Tuesdays with Stories! - #615 Tokyo Driftwood

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

We’re jibbing and jiving folks! We’re jumping topic-to-topic like Jack Flash! Joe gets into a fight with a toddler! And then… Joe gets into a fight with a ten year old! It’s a child-fighting Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Support the show and get 30% off your first Cornbread Hemp order. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.cornbreadhemp.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and shop SKIMS Mens at https://www.skims.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with Stories everybody!

Ah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't change it. Ah! Here we are! I had the garbage trucks back. Thank God. They did a garbage strike or something because they didn't pick my shit up for a week and a half. Oh no.

It just piles up Jerry It's a thankless job. You forget what these Zorons are doing for the country. It's like it's like the 70s. You ever read that book? Ladies and gentlemen The Bronx is Burning One of my favorite books of all time. I don't read It's all about the mayoral race and the pennant race and the garbage strike and son of Sam It is a hell of a book. So the blackouts in there. And the blackouts. And the Bush women.

Yes. Yeah, it was wild. The garbage was piling up as far as the eye could see. It smelled like shit. This is the thing with these people that are like, I miss old New York. And you're like, there was a garbage pile, a serial killer. Times Square whore.

Yeah, I mean, Colin Quinn always tells the story. He misses it. He loves it. But people are like, we missed the neighborhoods. Is this interesting at all? People are going to yell at me, but I'm like, one of the things that, like, we missed the old neighborhood because a neighborhood was a neighborhood, but I'm like, but isn't that also like segregation? Yeah. Like the people hate gentrification, which I understand gentrification is bad, but you're

also like, but you're longing for like all all the Puerto Ricans were in one place, all the blacks were in one place, all the Irish were in one place. I'm like, well, that doesn't seem great either. People seem to like that though. I guess so. You got your little Italy, you got your Chinatown, you got your Harlem.

Yeah, people seem to kind of, it's like you said with babies, don't babies, like the black babies, kind of tend to get together and have a gang war then the white babies get together and start a stock market that's not an exact quote but what did you say in that like a scientific thing I think there's studies that yeah you tend to be drawn to people that look like you even as babies yes you see with comedy go hey that's my guy I'm doughy and tall I'll go with with the Gilles. Sure. Yeah. I mean, all my friends are Irish alcoholics. Not all of them, but most of them.

I'm one of those. Yeah. Close enough. Yeah. You tend to go, Oh, hey, you like, I mean, all of my closest friends know Seinfeld really well. I'm like, you know Seinfeld? And there's just not a lot of black guys that know the deep cut Seinfeld. Yeah, that's true. Who else is? Well, there was no black people on the show. That was a big thing. Although I always push back on that, too. I'm like, there's black people.

Yeah, I'd say there's more black than Asian. Well, you have Ping. Same with SNL. You have Ping, and then the president, the lawyer, they call her the shock. Oh, yeah. You had the mailman. Why would I know where the restaurant is? Because I'm Chinese.

Someone asked me which way is Israel. I don't fly off the handle. Exactly. Hey, oh, enjoy the show, Harry. That's Harry Fung. Ha ha ha, caught right, four. Yeah, so we're up to like six Asians over 180 episodes. That's pretty good.

All right, well let's go black then. I mean, you got Mario joiners in there. You got the Terminator, Exterminator. Exterminator. Who's the Red Sugar Ray? Rheinbacker, yeah. Oh yeah, his Morgan. Morgan!

Morgan, and then you have George Wallace is in there as a surgeon in the late episode. Yes, Wallace. And who else? The judge is a black guy. Oh, people love the black. Couple black judges. Yeah, guy. Oh, people love a black guy. And a couple black judges. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Elaine had a black coworker.

Oh yeah, that lady. She's like, sometimes I gotta get to sleep. You know, she was trying to get laid. Yeah, back into your orgasm, yeah. Yes, yes. Take a car service. Yeah. Oh, oh, come on!

This son of a bitch is ice cold. Is that, yeah. And then Johnny Cochran. What's his name? Oh, Jackie Childs. Jackie Childs. Who told you to put the bomb on? I didn't tell you to put Cochran. Oh Jackie child's Don't you put the bomb on I didn't tell you put the bomb on well. What's that now? What are we at seven that's got to be seven eight black okay? Well sorry Asians you've been beaten

absolutely by Mark Wahlberg Spicy man how hard is it to blind an Asian? I feel like half the work's done for you What are we doing? It's early. Yeah, we just got here It's 11 a.m. We're wearing button-down shirt both of us in the exact outfits We saw each other in last night by the way put it on last night And I slept in it and I smoked a cigar the size of Chuck's dick not Chuck's. It was a tiparillo Just the tiparillo So I smell like a bag of farts, but I got an afternoon corporate gig. I'm going straight to a gig What is that, a Tipperillo? Just the Tipperillo.

So I smell like a bag of farts, but I got an afternoon corporate gig. I'm going straight to a gig. That's wacky. Not a corporate, it's like some, the Producers Club? What the hell is that? That's a rough room, Fetty. Oh no. You're in for a real treat, but at least you're indoors.

A lot of these outdoor or afternoon gigs are in the sunsets. What is the Producers Club? Did I do that years ago? Yeah, you've done it. It's a real shit box on 44th. It's right by the old improv. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that. And it's all black. It's a bunch of black box theaters mashed into one little shitty building and you gotta find your way. It's like a maze and it's all just as much a sad loser actors trying to make it and read Shakespeare. Yes I do remember that fucking place You know there's like the drag show in this room this room's got the the monologue show and this room's got the

Vagina monologue yeah, yeah, I'm doing that and I'm excited to do it Aaron Hayworth throwback from the past crazy You got to tell about Haber well Hayber. Hey, we used to run paper day the world Which was the club was just called The World. It didn't make any sense to me. No, I'm doing The World tonight. But it was upstairs at Broadway. That's where we really cut our teeth. Oh, do we cut?

Soder, me and Nate were there, before I even knew you. We were there every single night. We'd go to Barcelona Bar, which I think is still there, my favorite bar of all time. Yeah, that was a real hot dog down the hallway, that bar. It was thin and long. Real thin and long, and they did shots, and it was a very exciting time. But the world, it was the only place that booked any of us.

Yeah. Put us on every show. It was awesome. It was awesome, because it was a real audience. I mean, it was a bunch of tourists from Zimbabwe who didn't speak a lick, but I was doing open mics It was all comedian crowds, you know Like oh all a bunch of comics looking at their notes waiting to go on after you So you couldn't really get a role going and then to have a real

civilian audience was a magical it was quite a thrill al magical and But also it was like one of those rooms that it was all tourists and they bark people in. So it'd be like kind of the runoff from Broadway, which also isn't the best room downstairs. And so it'd be tough crowds. But then Christmas time, it would become like the best club in the world. The best like all those shitty clubs in the Times Square area and Hell's Kitchen whatever would suck

for 11 months and then Christmas time the tourists would pour in and it would be like packed. Oh man it was the best. It was real happy go lucky people from Cleveland. They just want to see the tree and the big Santa with the jizz on them, ding ding with the bell and then boom they get a comedy show and we were a couple of hungry cunts. We were in there like we're throwing our best shit at you baby and they had a great time. Yeah I had some tough sets. I remember I threw the mic stand one time because I was bombing so bad. Wow. Well it was one of those things where you just become you're there every day so at first

you're grateful then you're like I can't get a spot at the cellar I can't get this and then they were like Russian or whatever. They were rowdy. So you were like, fuck. And I just like threw the, I was pissed. Remember that guy, the Mania? Did you ever see that guy? The Mania? No, Lister Mania? His name was Mania.

He was a young black guy who was jacked. I do, he was kind of short. Yeah, he looked like he was on steroids. He might have had a regular name and then he became Mania. He was a little kooky. He was fucking crazy. He used to run full speed into the wall, like literally. Oh yeah.

And he would bring, I forget what his name was. Like Kool-Aid. I bet Aaron might remember, but then he changed his name to Mania. Whoa, never a good sign. Keep it going for Mania. And then he would run up and run head first into the wall. He was crazy.

He was nuts, yeah. I'd drink with that guy after, he was kooky. Oh boy. And then Cory Jarvis, our boy. And then Tommy Comer. Oh, I love Comer. He was the nicest guy in the world. And I got Phil Hanley in there.

Wow. Yeah. Sam would do it rarely. It was John Fish would do it every now and then. It was a real who's who in there. Nate Borgazzi killing with a thick accent. Yeah, and then we would go to Barcelona in between sets and get hammered. Yes. With a thick accent. Yeah. And then we would go to Barcelona in between

sets and get hammered. Yes. It was fun. I was talking about this before. The funny thing about New York City comedy, you have periods of your life where you're spending all your time in one area and then you just never go there again. That's so true. I was at Carolines or Broadway, like 53rd and 8th, 49th and Broadway all the time time Those are the only two places I write and then now I'm never there I say with the East Village East Village was big It was like three years where every single show was in the East Village that we're doing Well, cuz the the the neighborhoods kind of represent your comedy career East Village had a lot of bar stuff You know

You could just jump on any bar show midtown had a lot of bar stuff, you know, you could just jump on any bar show. Midtown had a lot of clubs that would book us for real cheap and real shit rooms, a lot of bringers, a lot of graduations, remember those? Yes, or the proms. Proms, that's what I meant. Yeah, it used to be like 20, 15-year-old, 16-year-old kids on a prom date, and they're all just like, fuck you, bitch, and you're like, you're a virgin, and that would kill, that was always my go-to, you're a virgin. And they would all be like, ah, he is.

Now it's probably School Shooter. Right, School Shooter's big. That wasn't big back then. But yeah, yeah, now I feel like we're all West Village Union Square. Yeah, yeah, it's very interesting. And now I'm coming here once a week. Oh, yeah.

Which I was, I mean, I was never here ever unless I went to see Smashing Pumpkins at Barclays or whatever. By the way, I was, I mean, I was never here ever unless I went to see Smashing Pumpkins at Barclays or whatever. By the way, I was thinking about this on the walk in here. This is our best studio. Hey! Don't you think? We have the comfort.

It's our house. Yes. It's your house, but it's our place. Our house is a very, very, very fine house. Oh, I was going in the middle of our street. Our house in the middle of our street. Our house in the middle of our street. I was thinking Crosby Stills with two cats in the yard. By the way, what is this garbage truck doing?

It's been sitting here since we started. It's in the same place. I don't know, because they got my garbage already. So I don't know what they're doing. Maybe they're here to pick up my act. They might have got stabbed. But anyway, it's so convenient also. We're so close to the

subway. It's just, and there's a Starbucks on, I don't want to give too much information. There's a Starbucks on every corner in this town. There's a Starbucks right on the corner. They brought the Brownie back, by the way. Hell yeah, the people have spoken. Huge, huge, huge if true. Zoran and the Brownie, those are the two big things for the people. It's my shortest commute, easiest off the subway. Wow, because you, it magically worked out,

you live in the dick hole of Manhattan. You're right on the P-hole. Right on that P-hole. Yes. I'm clinging to the head of the penis. Like a herp. Blister, right on the edge. Now let me ask you this,

do black people have purple dickheads? Yes. They do. Clearly. Oh, I don't see black dickheads that often, because when I see the black dicks, they're deep inside someone that looks like my wife.

Oh, yeah. Who else came? But yeah, no, they're purple and they're throbbing and they're... The cool thing about a black dick is you can see the moisture on it. Oh. You know, you can see like the flood line in Katrina, how far it went in. Right, but doesn't yours glisten? Mine's white as a... I can, I can, I can gl gonna glisten we need to write the lighting to be right and a black light

Ironically because the head of my dick looks like Barney. It's fucking really right purple. Oh Barney was touching kids So watch out well mine is that true all these guys in the the Elmo's the Barney's the Teletubbies They're all diddlin. No kidding. Rachel's not diddling. Miss Rachel's a dude thing. Oh, okay. Oh, that was cute. It sounded like Rachel, one of her creatures. Yeah, because mine is like light pink until I'm masturbating or fucking,

and then it just turns, you know, purple, like that thing from the McDonald's toy. Grimace. Grimace. Yes. I got a real grimace cock over here. Oh, mine looks like the Hamburglar. It's all yellow and striped.

Mine's as purple as Rupert's foot after a big meal. Do they still do the, they're both cut. Do they still do the McDonald's, they had Burglar, they had Ronald, they had Grimace, they had those little, little kweef nugget cunts? I think kinda, there was, yeah, the Hamburglar. Who had the joke about the ham murderer? Was that Norm? Ham murderer. I think that was a weekend update, Norm McDonald.

I don't know that one. He said the Hamburglar, oh maybe it was Conan. I think it was, maybe it was a Conan thing. The Hamburglar just got let out of jail for his assistance in finding the more elusive Ham murderer. Ah. I think it might have been a Conan or a Norm. Yeah. Can you look that up?

I think either, it was a weekend update Norm or a Conan desk piece. Ham murderer. Did he funnel it back to OJ somehow? Because I feel like every murderer joke became an OJ joke. I can't remember, I'm picturing one of those two guys at a desk. All right. Chuck's got nothing.

Hamburglar, hamburger joke. I put in ham murderer and nothing came up. But that might think it's, you know, did you put in hamburger? Oh, you know what? Here we go. I think you're right. I bet it's a joke about OJ Simpson. Let me possibly because it has. I found 30 of it's a joke about OJ Simpson. Uh-huh. Possibly. Because it has, I found 30 of Norm MacDonald's best OJ Simpson jokes. Murder is legal in the state of California, ladies and gentlemen.

So you go ahead, I'm going to find this one. Alright, well we'll go ahead with the show. Remember my favorite Weekend Update Norm joke? It's like eight layers to this joke. He goes, something, something, women are bad drivers. And they go, ohhhhh. And he goes, well, have you know a woman wrote that joke and they go ah and he goes I'm kidding we don't hire women so he takes you on this fucking journey and then switch the rug out from under you at the end he's a hell of a guy funny guy very funny guy RIP you know what's great about norm too is the wealth like you

can put a norm YouTube on and your YouTube will turn off and it'll just go to the next one. He's got such a plethora of content. Yeah, a lot of content and not to mention dirty work is like amazing. Oh yeah. And the sketches and then he had, what was it? Weekend update, the stand up, the podcast appearance, the Conan appearances, the Lettermans. I mean the guy had a run.

Yeah, he was pretty good. He has a better, we have like the East Village than the Midtown, he's like stand up, SNL, fired from SNL period, Netflix period, you know, menstrual period, he had a lot. Yeah, special performer, you know? Yeah. We really got sad.

This is pretty weird. Oh, boy. I can't find anything from Norm or Conan, but there is a big thing from The Onion, the article that's about the ham murderer, and it's like 20 years old. Isn't that strange? That is strange, but I think this was before. I think this was in the 90s.

Yeah. I think it was Conan or someone call in. It was Conan or not because it was that ham murderer. You know, that kind of like, yeah, it probably doesn't matter. But we used to say it all the time. Well, I was like in high school. It would have been late 90s. I think I know it was Conan or Norm because that's what I was watching. I'm thinking because of the OJ stuff, it's like that's what the punch line is.

It's like OJ Simpson is dressing up as a, as a McDonald's character this Halloween, uh, with a little twist on it. It's the ham murderer or something like that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Something like that. I bet it's about OJ. I think it was Conan. No, it wasn't OJ. I'm telling you it was the ham Bert. The hamburger has been let out early or whatever out on bail because it was elusive. I don't want to get too caught up in this. I can feel everyone going, who cares? Move on. The joke sucks.

My father's gay. I think it was Conan. Well. Maybe it was Todd Barry. Ah, jeez. Now we're off on a whole other tangent. But either way, hey, Norm, I feel like Shane is continuing to follow in his footsteps with the fired from SNL,

re-hosting SNL, now hosting the ESPYs. Wow. Yeah, he's the Espis. Wow. Yeah, he's really on a norm path. Good point. Which is pretty cool, because that's one of his favorites, his heroes. Wow, that's really something. Yeah, yeah, and you could see in Shane's act

there's some normy kind of delivery. Sure. Very matter of fact punch lines. Right, right. So that's really cool to see this passing of the anal. Absolutely. Hopefully he doesn't have stomach cancer that he's fighting from us for years. So that's really cool to see this passing of the anal. Absolutely. Hopefully he doesn't have stomach cancer that he's fighting for most years. Oh God. Well the Bud Lights will kill it.

Yeah, good point. He'll be okay. He seems healthy. Yeah, by the way, you're doing a corporate today. Sort of. Kind of. What is the gig? Do we know? I don't know, it's just the Producers Club. I think he's a member. It's not corporate money, I'll tell you that. It's a nice little, hey, one of those. A little Bob's your uncle, as the Brits would say. I'm doing 30 minutes, about a corporate's like thousands of dollars. This is hundreds

of dollars. Well, I bring it up because I got a corporate gig last minute last week. It was on Wednesday and they hit me on a Tuesday. Last minute corporate, that doesn't sound good. No, no. Well, somebody bailed somebody, you know, Brown bailed. So they're like, ah, shit, you're allowed to get a white guy if the Brown bales. Oh yeah. You know, so that's a minor league team in Brooklyn. The Brown Bails. Yeah. So, um, sounds like a black farmer, but, uh, so I get the gig Lincoln center. What tech company, a Lincoln center last minute.

I mean, this is big bucks, big, big business. Uh, I show up, they're like, show up at seven 30, the, the, you're going to go on at eight, you're going to do 25 minutes. Uh, easy peasy. I show up and I go, dress code? Nope. Come on. What do you call it? Language restrictions? Nope. Come on.

And I go, all right, but I still, we've done enough. I'm like, I'm going to clean it up a little. I'm not going right into Palestine. Right. You know? It's real is. Yeah. I'm not going right into Jizz, Jizz ass, Jizz-filled asshole. So I show up, Lincoln Center, I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans, everybody's in a suit, and I go, just tell me to wear a blazer or a collar.

But you can't put together Lincoln Center, corporate gig, tons of money at Lincoln Center, you can't put a collar on? What are you on your mind? This is my thought process. They said no dress code, and it's Tech Bros. These guys wear flip-flop, cargo short, and Hawaiian shirt. I guess so. That is tech people.

Yeah, yeah. Come on. You see Elon, he's wearing a leather jacket and a kid on his back. Right. So I go, all right, I'm going to fit in. I show up, everybody's dressed to the nines. These guys are zillionaires. They're all young.

Every guy was 6'6", and they all were 27. Wow. Because they're all young money. So I show up, and I feel old. I'm like, hey, what's up? We love you on Kill Tony, we love this, these are like bros. Right. But they all live in New York, and they all are young and have a ton of money.

So they go, you'll do 20, bring me up, and they're all like, what's Joe Rogan like? How's Seinfeld? Oh my God, they're picking my brain. And so I go out there. It's a beautiful theater, one of those old Lincoln Center theaters, it's very modern. Everything's pretty and nice.

And you go out there, woo hoo hoo. Hey, so what's up with Ozempic? And I bombed for 25 minutes, got that paycheck, and flew out the door. I think sometimes when they're all buddies, it feels too much you're on their territory. Because they're funny together. They all go, hey, remember that time, Phil,

you fucked that girl in the ass and called it a love story? Oh yeah, well, that's not as crazy as the time you threw up when you did. And then you come out and you do whatever you do, they go, what is this? They didn't appreciate it. But I could see a lot of this. There's a lot of ladies out there, but they got the HR cunt, they got the CEO douche. They're all, and plus they're all Gen Z. Well, the number one key to comedy is you have to have the audience mixed. Ah.

You can't have a group of somebody. It's never good when it's one group of something. Homogenous. Yes, you have to have strangers next to each other. You gotta have poor people, rich people, Republicans, Democrats, blacks, whites, women, men, everything in between, whatever the hell. Yes, non-binary.

And you gotta be sitting near people that aren't your group, because if it's a group, they just want to hang out. That's good. Think about if we had a hang, whatever, someone's birthday, and there was 12 of our best buddies, and then another person came over and was like, let me tell you guys a story. We'd go, shut the fuck up up this reminds me of that time you did boy doesn't negate you're saying you want to mix but if you're saying well we're in a group but a new guy comes in wouldn't that be mixing no but we're not

mixed if it was our group of friends I got you fatty the garbage men's group of friends and some guy goes I got a story for you guys. Yes. Now we're intermingled. So you're anti-segregation. We've got to, we've got to. Are you for segregation? No, I'm against segregation. OK.

You've got to segregate for the show to be good. For the show to be good? Yes. Got it. For your life to be good, you want segregation. There we go. You want a just man and no women. OK, so this is a great point.

There's no mixing. It's all one company, employee. The only difference is the hierarchies. So you got the secretaries up front, you got the big guys in the back with the cigars, and they couldn't laugh at anything. Right. Because then they see you laugh at the pedophile joke,

and they go, I knew it, Bob's a fucking kid fucker. Well that's why I like college orientations were also an awful gig. Oh. Because everyone just arrived, an awful gig. Everyone just arrived. Exactly they're on pins and anals. And you go yeah you have a fuck a kid in the ass and they go Jesus Christ yeah that's funny but if I laugh at that they're gonna think I fuck kids in the ass the way I do. But corporates are such a fascinating sociological experiment because these guys are like we watch everything you do we're huge fans we love your Instagram and TikTok these guys are like we watch everything you do, we're huge fans, we love your Instagram and TikTok. These guys are just like us, they're going to love you,

but the vibes aren't right, Jerry. Isn't it fascinating how the same jokes that are tailored for these queefs don't hit because of the environment? It's all environment. It's environment. It's like an orgy. It's so much environment. And how many people were there? 100, 300? 300. If those 300 people were mixed at a theater, Yes!

there was a thousand people of 700, Yes! all the same people would be laughing. I know! Fascinating. It's very fascinating. And cause you have it, and it's never more clear.

Last night I was at the stand, you go downstairs, it's packed, you just murder. It's hot, it's killing, even the news killing. Then you go downstairs, it's packed, you just murder. It's hot, it's killing, even the news killing. Then you go upstairs to the upstairs room, you say all of the same words in the same manner, and people are staring at you going, this guy sucks. Exactly. And you're like, I don't suck. I know. And you don't suck. It's just the situation.

The situation. I equate it to horniness. You go into a room at the strip club, you go, holy shit, look at the tits on her, what an ass, she's lap dancing, she's putting her badge on my friend's face, this is great. If I saw a girl at pre-K doing that, still be hot, but you're like, what the fuck is this? Now you're not jerking off, you're going, somebody spray this lady with a hose and taser That's hot at the strip club also. That's true. Just heard jiggling. Ah

It's 50 bucks, but yeah, you see my point. It's in the wrong environment. Yes Yeah, there's I'm trying to think of other examples like this. Yeah. Yeah well and and a horror movie to Sam Harris talks about this too because Like the emotion the feeling the physical feelings of like fucking someone for the first time or fucking someone you're not supposed to fuck. Oh, like a kid? That, that, that, sure, if that helps. Okay, it does.

But like if you met a woman on the road and then she said, I wanna come back to your room and blow you and you go, oh, I'm not supposed to do it. The stomach feeling you have is the same feeling. That's like a good feeling. You're like, oh my God, I got the queefs and the quivers. Naughty. That's the same feeling as if you had a doctor's

appointment and they found a lump in your tits. They're like, we gotta test it. You'd be like, oh my God, I'm so nervous. I have butterflies. It's all context. Like a roller coaster, that feeling is the same feeling as like, I got performance anxiety. Right, or I got pulled over.

It's you feel, yeah, exactly. You feel dizzy, you have to shit. Yes. But in one context, it feels great. That's a, you said it way better. That's beautiful. Another point he makes too is like, if you lift weights, you're sore all day.

It feels good. You're like, oh man, I'm sore. Right. But if you just had a condition where your muscles hurt like that, you'd be like, oh my God, I wanna kill myself. Context. I got sore, my pecs hurt, I can't even sit down. You'd be like, I'm dying.

Context message, that's big, Jerry. And you know, the fight or flight is a big one. They go, if you get a, you're squaring off with a guy at a bar, you got fight or flight. But you also get it before a show. Right. So it's all, your brain thinks you're about to fight a lion in the Serengeti, but you're really about to go bomb

at the Chuckle Dicks. Absolutely. Who books that now? I'd like to do that. I'll send you a link. Oh, please. You gotta send a VHS tape. Oh, great, I have one.

Okay, so yeah, just a fun corporate, but I got that money, and we've been doing Cobbling long enough where you're like, just count the minutes, and get that big publisher's clearing house, and ride into the sunset. That's what I feel like I'm gonna have today. And then, what a great feeling, we're doing two pods today, which is fun,

it's work, but it's fun. Yes. Silly goose, we're goofing off. We're hanging. Then I go and do a 3 p.m. afternoon show which could be work and not easy but when you finish, you feel great, you get the extra cash and then I'm off. It's vacation time.

And that's all Lanyap as we say in the Nolans. What's that mean? Lanyap's like extra. It's all Lanyap, it's like, it's all gravy because you're gonna have that extra cash. Yes. And you're going to be buying ho-hos and ring dings out on the vacation.

And you're not going to even care. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. I can't wait. Except this happens every year. I go to Maine, 4th of July week. Look at the weather. It's like high of 60, chance of rain. You're like, come on.

Wow, really? Yeah, well, it's far up north. And I got bad luck or something. But the next week after that looks okay. All right Beautiful boy. We're gonna enjoy that time cuz we've been really grinding. Oh, we're grinding. The car, the grove, the here, the garbage truck Chuck. Grove something. Garbage Chuck. Yeah That could be your garbage pail thing. This garbage truck is still sitting here by the way

We got how far into this podcast are we this guy's been sitting here for 25 minutes. No idea Wow, I don't know guys walking around. I don't know what they're doing. I have a very good sense of time from comedy Yeah, I have no sense of how many people are in an audience. No, no, but That's Rain Man shit. Yeah, but but time I'm very good. Mmm I'm very good at guessing time Is on my side. Yes it is. We don't have to pay for that, right? When we do that little jingle? If you sing it, you know, if you play it, the actual recording you do.

Yeah. Great. In that case, wet ass pussy. Sorry. Mad books to the stories brought to you by Cornbread. Life can be crazy, so when you're ready to unwind, it's time for CBD gummies from Cornbread Hemp. Their organic CBD gummies are made to help you feel better, whether it's stress and poor sleep or just needing a moment to unwind.

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so you can stock up. Shop Skims Men's at skims.com. Let them know we sent ya. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select Tuesdays with Stories in the drop down menu. Get on it folks and get some skims. I got a couple things. Please. How about this? Yesterday I got in a fight with like a five year old kid. Oh wow. Fist of Cups? I mean a foul argument almost. It almost went to

that. I mean I almost squeezed his fucking head off. Wow. And I'm talking heart rate up. Wow. Red, the little bit of shakes. Yeah, yeah, wow. And a child. You're Kramer. A child, Jerry. I mean. What the fuck happened? So. Give me the whole kitten caboodle.

Well, I go to the Wonder, that's the playground over there. Yes, yes, the Wonder. Your band. Wonderwall. For jumping in the ball pit, we'll say. Well, put a sign up, folks. How do I know not to do that? Well, a sign is gonna come into this'll say. Put a sign up, folks. How do I know not to do that? Well, a sign is going to come into this.

So. Oh, sign language. So great book. So I go over there, and yesterday was 158 degrees. Crazy. So I'm like, well, I'll just take the baby into the wonder, the indoor part, because it's air conditioned or whatever.

And now during the summer, they have a camp, a quote unquote camp there. Concentration? No, no, lack of concentration, Kip. I see. So you know the place. The place is about the size of this office. It's a small playpen.

I mean, it's sizable. It's got a bouncy castle, a ball pit. Then there's like a little corner over here with a few outfits. You can put on a Batman outfit or whatever the hell it is. They got a costume changer? They got a little costume thing. Oh, that's fun. It's like eight things, whatever.

Okay. And it's got the magnetiles, which are fun. That's like their Legos, but it's magnetic. Oh, cool. And then they call it the tent, where there's a bunch of padded things you can jump around on in a little slide. OK. It's fun.

It's intense, folks. Better than Magatiles. Absolutely. Miga. I ran great again. Ah, was it ever good? That's his new thing. Oh, I guess 79 it was good.

Miga, please. 79 is when they took over and took all their people. Yeah, regime. Regime. Yes. Forever in blue regimes. I don't know, that's a real stretch. But I got the senioritis.

Anyways, I go up, so they have a camp, they call it, where you can leave, normally it's the nannies and the parents and the little kids running around. But they have a camp where they drop kids off. But it's not a camp. They're just in a shitty, small playground. Just run amok. Yes.

And the people that work there are in charge. And they have no child education. It's all actors that are like, I can talk to a kid. Exactly. And it's just such a ripoff for the kids because they're like, this isn't camp. We're inside. Yes.

Fucking, they're just singing the same songs they would for the free stuff. Ah, but I think the parents they need somewhere for the kids to go. It's too hot out. So anyways, and they got to work. So it's like five kids with no adult supervision, no parents, no nannies. What age? I'm going to say between five and six, four and six. I'm hard. Now they're in. All right. Maybe four and six. I'm hard. Now they're in the ball pit

and they're just throwing the balls off the wall. Got it. Which is fine. And I'm with my baby who's 20 months old. And there's a little fake tree. There's a lot of take in here. There's a little like fake tree thing. And he has these little blue cylinders that are part of another toy.

And one time there was one stuck in the tree. So he saw it and pulled it out and he became obsessed by putting it in the tree, taking it out of the tree. You know, little kids, they get captured by a little thing. Love a kid capture. So he does that. It's one of his favorite things to do. And I just hear behind me a little voice go,

you can't touch that tree. You're not allowed to touch that. And I hear it, but it's a five-year-old. And I go, I don't know, whatever, who cares? So the kid jumps down and he gets right up in my face like this. Whoa. And he goes, you're not allowed to do that. And I go, okay. I got it. And my baby's one and a half years old and it doesn't matter. He's not fucking climbing a tree. It's like a little plastic thing. No one's ever cared.

He does it all the time. And I don't even know that that's a rule. I think his mother maybe told him because he was eating the fake leaves. I have no idea. Right. Leave me alone. So I go, okay, great.

And then Marty keeps doing it. And then he reaches in, he grabs the thing. He goes, you're not allowed to touch that. Whoa. And then he throws the little blue cylinder. Whoa! What is this, a Karen? Now I'm ready to fucking beat him to death.

Yes. And I go, what are you in charge? Yes. You think you're in charge? And he goes, no, I know the rules, though. And I go, well, don't worry about the rules. Go back to playing. Don't worry about my child, and you do your thing.

Yeah. And he goes, well, I know the rules. And so then I get up, and I stand next to the ball pit. There's a big thing with all the rules. And I go, all right, let's take a look at the rules here. Oh, yeah. I go, it says here, no throwing balls. That's the rule.

Was he throwing balls? They were all throwing balls. Oh, let's go lock them up. I feel bad because the four other kids go, they freeze. Because I'm an old man. I'm going, hey, look at the rules right here. I don't care that they're throwing balls. No, live it up. But this fucking homo is calling my son out.

Yes. Playing with a little blue cylinder. Yes. Says it right here. And he goes, you're not in charge. Whoa. How about you take the L, you queef kid? And I go, yeah, but I know the rules.

Aha, he's not in charge either. How about that? And he goes, I think we can throw them if we're throwing them this way. And I was like, it says right here. I was like, can you read? No ball play. And there's no parents around, which is me and this kid. It is.

It's like Kramer and the Monkey. Oh my god. Which is a great name for a movie or a book. Yeah, that's true. Kramer and the Monkey. It's like a novel. Anyway, so. I think he might have said that on stage.

So I go, yeah, that's the rules. And he goes, okay, well, you're not in charge. My heart rate was like pounding. Well, I think you got this kid dead to rights. Well, I'm right. He's wrong, but he's five. And you know, Marty's just looking at me like, oh, dad, what's happening?

Yeah, yeah, don't hit him, papa. So then they go, he packs it, cause he's like the leader, He's the alpha of these kids. And he goes, let's go to the bounce house. So they fled the scene. Good, get out of here. And I could tell he's a nincompoop asshole, because he was like wrestling.

And then one of the kids comes out, and he goes, are we allowed to fight? Does the rules? Oh, the kid goes, does the rules say anything about fighting? And I was like, well, it doesn't say. Now I'm in charge. Now I'm like the adult. And I go, Lord of the Flies. I'm like, well, it doesn't say anything about fighting, but you're definitely not allowed to fight. He goes, okay, and then he runs back in

He's like he said no fighting Company you're just the tallest guy there. That's it and So then like a few minutes that I'm just hanging on with Marty. I'm like trying to like, you know, calm down Yeah, I just want to fistfight this kid sure and then he comes up to me with one of the costumes. He goes, you need to help me put this on. Whoa, a lot of nerve on this fucker. And he's like a sweet boy. He's a poor boy whose parents probably suck.

They drop him off at the worst camp in the history of camps. I don't know. I've been to that place. The ball pit is very nice. It's fun if you're just playing, but that's not where you want to get left for the day. Speak for yourself. All right, you're right. But I go, oh, okay.

And I want to be like, put it on yourself, you fucking piece of shit. You know the rule. I'll fucking kill you. But he's like, and he doesn't say please. He goes, you need to help me put this on. I don't need to do anything. And I wanted to pull it over his head and just beat him like fucking PJ stock or something. I assume that's a hockey player.

Yeah, it's an old Bruins player. So I put it on him and I'm like helping him out. Now I feel like a pedophile too, because they've got to come in and they're like, why are you touching my son and dressing him? Well, dressing is a little better than undressing. I suppose so. So I put it on and he's like, no, no, it's not on right.

And then he just takes it off and he goes, never mind. And he leaves and I'm like, I hate this child. I don't like him either. But. Maybe he'll come on. And finally, it would come on my face. And then finally, camp starts. They went into like the tent area.

And I could hear over and over again, like you need to go to time out. You got a problem. So he's a problem child. OK. But man, when he threw my child's toy, I just wanted to pick him up and punt him in the asshole. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I find it strange. There's so many things I got to unpack here. I find it strange too to get proven wrong by the old guy at the, you know, when I was a kid, the old guy told you something, the adult. You were like, uh. Well, that's what the other kids did. They were all like, the kid was like, can we do this? And he was dropping the ball and like, you can do whatever you want. I like the other kids, but this kid's not scared of you. And then to have the altercation where your blood's boiling and you prove him wrong and he still goes, help me with his costume.

This kid's got some boundary issues. Yeah. I think he wanted to win me back over maybe because he felt stupid. But the other thing, it's like, I don't care that you're throwing balls, but if you're going to be the rule guy, let's be the rule guy. Exactly. Cons, consistency. Also, there's no post saying you can't put a little blue cylinder in a fake tree. Of course.

And a ball, you can hit someone in the forehead. This is not bothering anybody and whatever. So I put my cylinder in the tree. Yeah, that's how you make the kid. But now I got an analogy here. I think this kid is a microcosm of all the queefs and cunts in the land. Another great novel. Yeah, I think hemming gay.

But so the lady goes, hey, you can't call people fat. That's Lena Dunham. That's fat shame. You can't call Lena Dunham fat. That's body shaming. But then you go, hey, this Chris Christie's a real piece of lard, and they go, that's funny. I'm like, wait, wait, so you made rules,

but then I break the rules according to you, but your rules matter, but mine don't, but I thought you couldn't body shame, but you can when it's Trump's hands, or whatever. It's very similar. Yes, I agree. You know, you can make rules about, I make rules because I don't like this,

but then I can break my own rules. Right. I don't care for that. Consistency. I didn't care for it either, and I'm going to keep my eye out for that kid, because I got it out for him now. You don't want to get on my bad side.

No, no you don't. I'm like ice baby. If I don't like you, you got problems. Yeah, you're getting deported. So, but yeah, that's crazy. This kid, I don't like the, you got to have Yeah, you're getting deported. So, but yeah, that's crazy. This kid, I don't like the, uh, you gotta have some, um, what's the curve though? You gotta absorb some shit. Like if you prove him wrong with the rules, you gotta go point taken. You got me there, but that's, uh, it's hard to do. Yeah. It stays a child. I see adults

doing it, but, uh, get them early. Yeah, but they stopped throwing the balls, which again, wasn't even bothering me. I know. And then it was kind of fun, because then I started throwing the balls after they looked, because I wanted them to say something. I got some problems. Well, where are the adults?

Where are the, you know, the supervision? Well, I think so. There's three people that work there. Two of them are the camp people, counselors, whatever, Nazis, they were in the tent getting it set up. They were putting down the things and the thing. And then the other one just at the phone, it's the easiest job ever. They just sit there and look at their phones. So the time it's something they're reading scripts because they're actors. Thank God you were there or

else this kid would be just pushing Mar around and you're like, Hey, this, you want to tell your kid like, don't listen to this quiff. Oh, yeah. Well, I think Marty knows who the complete psycho piece of shit is. But yeah, I just, I can't handle it. I couldn't, I can't handle being like, fuck you, you fucking rat asshole. And I don't even think that's true about the, you can't touch the tree. It's a tree. It's a fake tree. I love it. Bill Maher. Yeah. This kid's got problems. He's got issues. He's a control freak. He's a gun. Now thinking about now speaking of other country kids, how about this? I got all kids stuff. Please. This one was a couple of weeks ago now or nine months ago now actually we're in gig Harbor out there in the Tacoma gig Harbor area. One of my favorite places. We're at Owen beach in Tacoma and Tacoma, which I highly

recommend beautiful, beautiful spot. 300 foot trees, the ocean, the whole thing, whatever the ocean, Pugetan sound, whatever the fuck it is. Anyway, so we're hanging out on the beach. It's one of these rocky beaches. They have all that driftwood, which is beautiful. And people will make little teepees with the old dead driftwood Tokyo driftwood. So there's a beautiful little manmade teepee thing that are really cool. And you know, I'm trying to get Marty to settle in and have fun, but he wants to go in the water, but it's cold and we're not dressed for it. And so I'm like, all right, well, we'll go over here. And then he's kind of like, I don't love that. Whatever. Right.

So finally I got the teepee. I put them in there. He's loving it. He's in there going, he's playing with the sand, the rocks, the grass, whatever. It's a teepee. It's exciting. I'm going, you know, doing Indian things. Yes. Yes. We're doing a rain dance. Garbage truck is still here for some reason, blocking all the traffic. So we're playing and then about a 10 year old boy comes in. Oh shit. You got a real problem with these young, you're like the opposite of Kevin Spacey. Well, he's shirtless with shorts. He's got no shirt on, pair of shorts, barefoot. He looks like he just came out of the woods. Yeah. And he comes up and I love these kids. He's adorable. I'm a kid guy. So he goes, Hey, you know who built this teepee?

Sorry. I want to use the tone right. He didn't say it like that. He said like this. Do you know who built this teepee? Like a question? Yes. Okay. And I go, uh, no, I don as a tone right. He didn't say it like that. He said it like this, do you know who built this TP? Like a question? Yes. Okay. And I go, no, I don't. He goes, well, it was me. Oh, jeez. And I go, oh wow.

I go, that's awesome. He goes, I know. Wow. I'm like, taking a bet. Sarah and I were just looking at each other like shock. It was like somebody just took their dick out and showed us. You're like, whoa, what's happening? Are we under arrest? Jeez, Louise, a cocky kid. But he said it like sweetly, like any, do you know who made this? Cause I want to thank them.

Oh, I don't know. He goes, well, it was me. Yeah. And I go, it's cool. He goes, I know. And then he goes, uh, would you mind taking your baby out? Cause I want to move some stuff around. I don't want anything to fall on him. What? How old are we talking? 21? I'm telling you, 10 maybe. Where are the parents? If it maybe nine, 10. Well, I think it's very freewheel and hippie hobo out there. So I think they just let their kids do whatever. Wow. And he was like Hanks in a castaway. I think he lived on the island. He's Wilson. So I go, oh, okay. And then I, so I grabbed Marty. He's like, he starts crying.

He's having a great time in the tent. And I was like, okay, well, do your thing. And we like walk away and Marty's like, this sucks. I was having fun in there. And then the guy starts moving around the logs. And Sarah and I are looking at him like, an eight year old just bullied us out of this place. You got evicted.

I got evicted. Kicked out by the white man, kicked out the Indians. So precocious and sassy. Wow. And he was like more of a man than I was. He was moving driftwood and it was like his chest was all scraped up and scarred. Like I feel like if I had a scrape like him,

I would have been like, ow. Wow, can I move some stuff or can you get out of here? So I go, this is crazy, this guy's an alpha. Yeah, he was hanging up photos of his grandparents and he lit a fire. It was really something else. You should have hit him with a blanket with smallpox on it.

Get rid of this, Choctaw. Is there bigpox or just the smallpox? Oh yeah, that's a good point. Bigpox sounds way worse than smallpox. Way worse. There's two pox. That's true. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I know about two pox,. Two box. That's true.

No, no, two box chicken box. Yeah. Yeah. Is that related to smallpox? It's gotta be. I think all the boxes epoxy. A box upon me. Yeah. Why? Like herpes is related to chicken box. I know that. What's weird is as a kid, it was like you gotta get chicken box. That was a big thing. Yeah. Go fuck that kid. So you get chicken box. And then there's also what's the other one that adults get shingles shingles chicken pox herpes are all one family yikes yeah I never had the shing yeah I think you get that later it's not good really I had it once it comes all around your your band and it's real gay. Had the shingles real bad senior year.

That's Groundhog Day. Ned Ryerson. You remember me? Ned, Ned the Head, had the shingles real bad senior year. Had to take off. That's a hell of a picture. Bing! Wow, these kids are really pushing around.

And what can you do? You can't push back. Right. But maybe we should start, because these kids are going to take over the world. Well, I pushed back on the kid at the ball pit. But this other maybe we should start, cause these kids are gonna, they're gonna take over the world. Well I pushed back on the kid at the ball pit, but this other kid, I mean he frightened me, and he made it sound like it's a little dangerous for him,

so if you just scoot him along, and then he was working it. Jeez. He was like the kid from Jungle Book, like he had on like a cloth, and he was like upside down hanging from his feet. Right, I know these kids, they're outdoorsy. Yeah, yeah.

I had a similar thing in Hawaii. I was up on a rock, and not I ran, a rock, and I was gonna jump off, but it was so high that you had to really get your bearings. It was all slippery and algae up there, so I'm kinda like, and this kid, this fuckin' native kid with a necklace with teeth on it, you know, shaggy hair was like move. And I was like, Oh, okay. And he did like eight triple Lindy's off of there

and didn't did it with a perfect splash. And I was up there like, Oh God, I'm like 35. And they all hated me. They're like, get off and they climb the rocks and come back up. I had to do the whole trail to get around and jump off the cliff. He would climb the wet rocks. These kids are unbelievable in Hawaii. I've had this exact, literally exact experience in Maine. Same thing, these Maine kids, because their parents are all related to each other. Inbreeding. And it's the same thing where you go and everyone's jumping, so you're like, I'm going to jump, but let me just assess because I got more to lose and health insurance. I go, okay,

let me look. All right, so you got to jump lose and health insurance. I go, OK, let me look. All right, so you got to jump. I think you got to go out there. Right. Because there's a rock over here. And then you say, Wow, exactly. What the fuck was that? And it's like a two and a half year old.

You're like, all right, I got I can't even assess it now. I just got to go. You got to go. But they live in the brush. They have no supervision. They have no no hopes and dreams. They, but they live in the brush. They have no supervision. They have no hopes and dreams. They just like, they live amongst the woods. No, about two, three years ago, Sarah and I, maybe it was five years ago, time's weird now,

but Sarah and I were up in Maine and there was a kid like that, barefoot kid, climbing all the rocks and it's wet. This is Maine, everything's rock, it's wet and like, slipper-y. Moss and periwinkles, which will fucking tear your foot up. I like a little shell like a little species of thing but sharp you can cut your foot and they're and this kid had like abs exactly like he had pecs like square he was like seven literally shoulders and

like he looked like Jimmy superfly snooka and he was just climbing up like chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk chk right in the brown eye. It fits right in the hole. But it shows how scrappy humans can be, because we're all eating lattes and Cinnabon, and these kids are just out in the wild. They've got callus feet, they could climb anything, they eat roots and bugs, animals. Yeah, it's pretty good. I've got to get my son out there. He's out every day, but it's like, you know Playground and no playground. It's Manhattan. So he'll be streetwise, but I don't know if he's gonna be hanging from a tree No Yeah, God This neighborhood, but yeah, yeah, it's uh, it's scary cuz you wanted your kid to have a little rough and tumble

But we are in well, I mean different he'll be dodging dicks on the subway and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is good. What, you did that, is that a five minute warning or you were just waving or stretching your hand? Oh yeah, yeah, I have a wrist thing. No, it's not a five minute. Oh, you got a wrist thing. Carpal tunnel.

Whenever I edit too much, it just fucking sucks. Oh, okay. By the way, we'll talk about supervision with kids. Supervision sounds a lot cooler than it is. Yeah, it's like a power. Yeah Supervision, but it's also like hey put that down that could be something. It could be supervision Oh, yeah, really see well. No, no, he has a parent that has to be with him because he's right. It's kind of Like a blind person needs supervision. He needs supervision. That's it Hey, my cousin's blind. He really needs supervision. Oh. That's it. That's something. Hey, my cousin's blind.

He really needs supervision. Oh, you doubled up. That's pretty good. I love it. What was that guy's name? That good looking guy, Hayes, Robert Hayes. Rob Hayes? Not Rob. No, white guy, tall white guy. He was around the comedy world.

Oh, Roger Hale. Not Roger Hales. That's Fox Newt. Roger Hale? I think it was something like exactly like Roger Hale. Was it Hale? I think it was something like that. He was a handsome kind of very handsome fella. Yeah. Well, he had a great bit about how when you're a kid, the word blazer sounds so cool. Your mom's like, I'm going to get you a blazer and you're like blazer. What the fuck's a blazer? But then she shows up with a gay jacket. You got to go to church Oh, that's funny, but I always thought of that bit a blazer. It's like you got laser in it You know, it was very close to Roger a Roger smell Roger small It's an a sound Roger a hills Roger hails Roger hails Okay, I think you're right Some guys a comedy writer for stuff. He was in that like, Rafifi world, you know, that old alt scene. But he had some funny stuff and that was one of his bits and that's what the SuperVision

reminds me of. Remember David Cope? Of course. Great lips. Great lips, is that right? He had amazing DSL's, that Cope. I can't remember. Bob Kelly has some of the best lips I ever saw on a man.

Just beautiful. You think it's Hales? It's got to be Hales. I the best lips I ever saw on a man. Just beautiful. You think it's Hales? I think so. It's gotta be Hales. I think it's Hales. He says, uh, where have I worked? Comedy Central, Jimmy Fallon, Roger Hales. Tall. Good looking guy. I told you, Hales. You were right. It's Roger Hales and Roger Hales. Whoa. It's crazy. What are the chances of that? It's like having William Burst. And Durst? Oh yeah him too. Yeah. It's Robert Durst. Right. William Randolph Hurst. Wasn't that the guy? Oh yeah then it's Patty Hurst. I think it's his daughter. Oh yeah. Patty Hurst heard the

burst of a Roland Thompson gun. Yeah so how about this for a little nugget. This was one of these fun comedy moments I had. So eight in the morning, I got a LaGuardia flight. I got 20 minutes to kill after security before the flight. So I go, I hit the lounge. By the way, the lounge, not to be high society on, they'll hate when you talk about having money, but the lounge is crazy. There's a line longer than Chuck's dick hole. And thank God we're diamond because you get in that short line. You get the short line but then you get up there you can't find

a seat. No! It's out of control. It's crazy it's like the it's like Ellis Island up there. Yeah it's bad. And so I get up finally to the to the lounge you know you got jizz in your eye you got jizz coming out of your ass you're like I just gotta get a cup of coffee get some some nuggets and some fruit, and I'll hit the road. And I walk in, and it's like 8.30 in the morning, walking out is Roy Wood Jr. Hey! And we both got the headphones in, the bag on,

the scruffy clothes, because we're traveling. And we just went, hey! We hug, and we just kept walking. I love that. It was one of these great, I know you're on the road, I'm on the road, it's Friday during the Friday day, he's coming home, I'm going out, whatever it was. And we both got it and didn't have to chit chat.

We hugged and kept walking. I love that feeling. You have that. I've had it before where you're walking, you go, Hey, what's going on? Where you headed? Cincinnati? Oh, what are you doing? Oh, I'm doing funny farts. Oh, nice. I'm doing skid marks. Take care. And then you funny farts. Oh, nice. I'm doing skid marks. Oh, cool. All right. Take care. And then you just keep moving.

It's great. It's almost military-like. What troop they send you in? What barracks you're going to? Just keep moving. That's true. Yes. So that was fun.

Then you go do the flight and do Wisconsin and all that. But yeah, that was a nice moment. Then I saw Noah Gardenschwarz in there. It's a real comedy club in there. I saw Noah Gardenschwarz in there. It's a real comedy club in there. I love Noah Gardenschwarz. Great egg, funny guy, cool guy. Got me that baseball gig. I made like 20 grand and had the time of my life.

Oh, that was him? Yeah, because his buddy was a part of the league. They wanted him to do it. And he was like, I thought it was Caitlin Clark. He goes, he was like, oh, I'm not a baseball guy. And I'm busy working on this show. He's like, who you want is Joe list. Baseball guy. And then they called me and gave me the gig. So I'm forever grateful to him. There you go. And a hell of a

nice guy. Great guy. Cool Jew. He's like a six for handsome. He's got flavor. He's like a black Jew. Yeah, he was in a black fraternity. What school in. Yeah, he was in a black fraternity. What? He went to school in Atlanta and he was in a black fraternity. Wow. He was like, he was taken in. He is taken in. He's a cool Jew. He's got his yarmulke to the side and all that. But great guy. Then this weekend, Eugene and then LA. Oh, that's right. I'm excited for Eugene. You got to tell me all about it. I've been dying to go to that town. It's a bitch to get there, but yeah, I'm pumped. It's selling

pretty well. It's a college town, huh? Oh, yeah. Are they in Sesh? No, fuck. No, that's better because you don't want the college kids. You want the people around there, I think. Yeah, the locals, the townies. And I bet a lot of people drive down from Portland, Astoria and Portland and the other place. Yeah. What's the Salem? Salem. Which trial? Absolutely. That's Massachusetts. But it's funny. Portland, there's Portland, Maine, there's Salem, Massachusetts. Yeah. Salem. It's all the same. It's all the same.

Every Oregon town has a counterpart in the East Coast. Yeah, it's true. Salem, Portland, and there's no Eugene here. There's Eugene Levy. Well, I'm doing Halifax soon. You ever been there? Halifax, Nova Scotia. Yeah.

I've been to Yarmouth, Nova Scotia, but not Halifax. What the hell do you do in Yarm? We took the Scotia Prince, which was from Portland, Maine. And when I graduated or my girlfriend, Steph Walls, Derek's sister, she graduated, that was my gift to her. We were dating and we took the Scotia Prince, which the terrorists took from Portland, from Nova Scotia down to Portland. It's how they enter the country. Yeah.

Whoa. Same boat. I was on that boat that year. Wow. Isn't that Wow. Like six months earlier or whatever. June, July, August, September, four months earlier. Fresh Prince. And we just took the ferry. It was so because it was, it was like a two and a half day track. I can't remember. It was a slow ferry. You had a sleeping car. Yeah. Which is not so crazy to think about. Our parents were just like, yeah, go do that. Right. Like she's like fresh out of high school. She's like, I'm going to go on a two day boat trip

with my gay boyfriend. And a fairy. There was a casino and we drank. I had like our first drinks there. And then we got to Yarmouth and we just kind of walked around and got back on the boat and came back. It was really fun. Well, they say Scotia is the first part of Canada.

And then it all spread from there because it's all ports and whatever So people showed up there and then that's how Canada started. I think it means New Scotland. Ah Give it a go fatty. Nova Scotia. But yeah, I can't wait It's selling well, and I've never been there and I hear it's like a cool old artsy fartsy kind of town Yeah, Halifax is better than Yarmouth from what everyone says. There was a boat to Halifax also that was the called the cat I think it was that faster one. I'd like to go up there. I'd like to go to Newfoundland and Prince Edward Island those are supposed to be really spectacular.

You got to go to you've been to that island off of Vancouver Island. Off of Vancouver in Canada. I think I've just been to Vancouver. Oh, that island is a it's a it's lunch. Yeah, I gotta get up there and the San Juan Islands is supposed to be the most spectacular place in the world. Ah, I don't know. That's in Washington. That's like just south of Vancouver, I think. Okay, okay. Well, yeah, we got some traveling to do. We really do. We will get there. We got we got plenty of days left on us. I hope so. Who knows? We could be dead by the time that people hear this. Oh!

Wouldn't that be weird? Yeah. And this is my lasting legacy is me being like, I fuck kids. Yeah, not great. It's going to be a hell of a eulogy. That would be too bad. What do you got on Scoti— What was the question?

Nova Scotia. New Scotland. Nova Scotia. All right. What else you got? Nova Scotia meaning. I got another story. Oh, please. Put it right in my ass. You got something there? Yeah, it says New Scotland in Latin.

What language, in Latin? In Latin. All right, see, I know things. People think I'm dumb, I'm not dumb. I'm smart. How did the Hispanics get the Latin moniker? Monica Lewinsky. Latin, I don't know.

Yeah, they're all Latin. The Latin Kings and the Latino. Yeah. Latina. Well, I think Latin, all the languages are based on Latin, aren't they? Well, there's the Romance languages, which is French, Spanish, Italian. Yeah. And then France has, Paris has the Latin Quarter.

Oh yeah. Boy, Spain did a number. People forget about Spain. They really killed a lot of people. Oh yeah. The Mexicans, they were, that's where, they speak Spanish because Spain fucked them up. Yeah. But we don't have to get into the history books. Yeah, Spain, the Spanish conquerors. Oh yeah, oh they went all over California and did some pillaging. Yeah, well it's a great state though. That's a hell of a time.

Absolutely, well how about this? Spanish Inquisition. What was I talking, oh god this was embarrassing. All my stories about kids and shit. Great. So, I got Marty the other day, Sara's, I don't know where she was, working out. He's got this diarrhea problem I was telling you about.

He's got a little diarrhea situation. Diarrhea Perlman. Now I didn't know this. I felt maybe a slight cold coming, cuz he was a little sick and I had a little tickle in my throat. I remember the tickle. So I got some zinc. Zinc is big.

Zinc is huge. The kitchen zinc. Love zinc. So I go, I'm like, I'm gonna take some zinc. That worked last time I felt sick. So I didn't read the small print or whatever. I wake up and I go, oh, the zinc is on the counter. Let me take a little zinc.

I pop it up in the air. I catch it with my tongue. I swallow it. Finally. About, I don't know, 30, 40 minutes later, I'm like, I feel nauseous. Yes, yes. That means it's working.

I'm spinning around, my eyes are bugging, my asshole's plugging. Percolating. And I go all the way up to the playground with the baby, who also has diarrhea, we're at the playground, I'm looking around, he shits, I'm like, okay, I gotta go change him. But I got this,

Google. It's a wacky feeling, I know it will. Well, I googled because I'm like something's up. This isn't my garden variety morning Python. This is a mess. Right. So I Google zinc empty stomach and just read it thread WebMD ass Jeeves fucking everything Tevo. Everything is like never taken on empty stomach. You'llo, everything is like never take it on an empty stomach, you'll throw up. I went to Reddit, this is where Reddit's good. I just threw up in the way to work, I took zinc, a projectile vomiting, my blood, my shit, blood just fell out of my ass, whatever it is, and I'm going, oh, I'm fucked, and we're far from everything.

I can't eat anything, and the damage is done, so I'm like, I'm going to shit my pants. My baby already had shit his pants. So I got to go to the boat, the ferry terminal. They have a bathroom over there, but it's a, it's a ferry terminal. So it's, it's, it rocks. It's like floating. Yeah. Oh God. So now I got to go change his diaper and he's got diarrhea up his ass, out his back, on his nipples. Yeah, yeah. But I'm about to have that. So now I got to make a decision. I'm like, do I change him and then shit or do I shit and then change him? I think change him then shit like the airplane mask. But the airplane mask is reverse.

Oh yeah. Help yourself first. But I thought the same thing. So I go, let me change him because I don't want him to get a diaper wrap, all that shit. So I'm standing there changing him and someone's in the stall. Ah. because I don't want him to get a diaper round, all that shit. So I'm standing there changing him and someone's in the stall. Ah. So I go, okay, that makes the decision easier. So I put him on the thing, I'm changing him,

he's goofing around in the mirror, he's having a great time. I can just hear, gah, blah, pssh, pssh, pssh. This guy, he must have taken two Zincs because he's shitting his pants.

Yeah. Baby's shitting his, I'm wiping a million times, it's all over my wrist, up my eyes. I got a Hitler mustache, a baby poo. It zinks in there. Oh man, you better believe it. So another guy comes in, he's at the urinal, my baby's dick is out.

It's just a mess. Yeah. And the whole thing's rocking. Oh my Lord. So I'm nauseous and rocking. Finally, this guy leaves the shitter. So now I got that that fresh hot toilet seat see the guy he's a big he looks like Rupert if Rupert lost six pounds

again context we love a seat warmer unless it's another guy's ass yeah good boy I don't want someone else's ass heat no no you know not a dirty sweaty man who just took a big dumparoo no I know we're not supposed to point people out, but there is a woman in a bra in front of your building. Like, literally, I think it's a sports bra. Oh my God. No shirt. There's just a shirtless woman in the window.

Easy check, check. With the bun. I mean, it's not the hottest body, but it's a woman in a sports bra. And the ample bosom. And jean shorts. Quite a large racketeer. I mean, I apologize to everyone at home. I know you get annoyed,

but I can't. It's like Sue Ellen Mischke is out there. It's crazy. Right. Flaunting societies, whatever. Convention. Thank you. So anyway, so finally the stall opens, I get him cleaned up and I'm like, all right, this poor kid, you're like, you're going to have to sit on my lap while I shit. Whoa. So then I take them in the stall and it's a full Dumb and Dumber ass heat on my ass. Yeah. Fucking just a fire hose like in the deep south during segregation. Yeah. Everywhere and it's blowing everywhere. The whole thing is shaking and rocking. So it's adding to my nausea. The baby sitting on my lap. He just takes the toilet paper by the way. He's just pulling all the toilet paper off.

And I'm like, please give me some of that. I'm wiping my ass. I look up, the stall door is open. You didn't notice that? No, because you get in, like it's a big stall. Maybe I'll take photos. It's a handicap maybe. Yes, it is.

Exactly. It's big and spacious and there's only one, there's only one stall. It's like the Highlander. There's only one. So you got to have it is exactly. It's big and spacious and there's only one there's only one stall. It's like the Highlander There's only one right so you got to have a handicap. Yes. Yes and one So I go in and you sit down. He's on top of me, and I'm in like I'm seeing red I have zinc diarrhea So I'm just I'm not even paying attention plus. He's on me So I'm kind of wiggling him

And looking at my dick and I look up and there's a guy washing his hands. The stall door is just wide open. Oh. So I picked the baby up and waddled with my pants at my ankles to close it because I'm like, this is no good. I have no idea how many people have seen me in the most vulnerable position. This is parenting, by the way.

Everybody thinks it's feeding and diapers and crying and all that. This is it. It's diarrhea with the child. Yeah, he's unfazed. He's not like, this is gross. You stink. So anyways, I had to wipe my ass a million 50 times. No, what do you do? You hold him with one hand and wipe with the other. He's literally on my lap and I'm doing this. Whoa. And the poor guy is just smelling adult diarrhea. Yeah. Good band.

And finally got them all souped up. And then it's one of those things where you find your wife and you're like, all right, you take them. I'm going to go jump in the river for a couple seconds. I'm going to cry for a minute. But anyways, that was that. That's insane. It was something else.

Man, that is really where I had to pee the other day. I was dying to pee, but I was the only one home. So I had him locked in right here. He's wiggling and screaming, and I'm like... It's like peeing on a bus. Oh, that's all my pees now, and he wants to put his foot in my pee stream. Oh! So you've got to lift him up as high as you can, because his little shoe is kicking my dick.

He's Mark Kelly. Yeah. But anyways, we've got to wrap this thing up. Where you got to go? I don't know. Let's just go out, August 28th? This is six months from now, I believe. July 28th. July 28th, wow, I'm back in New York, which is crazy.

I thought we were further along than that. It's the second to last one. Okay, all right, where you gonna be there, fatty? I don't even know. I gotta look at my fuckin' life. Let me look at Punch Up. I know I'm at Punch, fuck. We both are at Punch Up. I know I'm at Punch, uh, fuck. We both are, Punch Up slash whatever.

I'm on Punch Up. Let me look if I have any dates on here that I can plug. I know I'm at, what the fuck's it called? Comedy Works Denver. There you go. September 11th through the 13th. I'm doing Morris Plains One Night Dojo Comedy August 15th. Oh, love the dojo.

And that's all I have on my thing right now. Oh, fuck me, I'm bad at business. Small Ball! There you go! Go watch Small Ball for the love of Christ. YouTube. Yes, YouTube it. I'm in Dallas, I'm in San Diego, I'm in DC, I'm in Boulder, Colorado.

Let's sell that one and we're going to try to shoot that. Then I'm going to Australia, going to Europe again. Greece and Oslo and Helsinki and Dublin. Dublin. San Jose and Rochester. Woo! Fuck me. Hold on.

Chuck, you go, but I might have my dates somewhere here. Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. We have a lot of fun. We write things, we do games we made up. It's a very weird creative time, but a lot of hardcore fans. And I think if you check it out, you'll become one too.

Funbearablepod.com, at Fun Bearable Pod on every social media. Absolutely, what do you have to lose? Just go listen to it. If you hate it, you hate it. If you like it, you got a new fucking pod to listen to you queefs. A lot of Tuesdays, a lot of Tuesdays. I'm sure it's yeah, I'm sure it's tons of Tuesdays. So go give it a listen. I guess that's all I have on the books for now. Not on the books,

but on sale right now. So go to punch up, sign up for that email list and join our Patreon. We got a bunch of kickass shit on a Patreon. Yes. Behind the scenes stuff, video stuff, Astoria. Riffing on stage, live audience, all kinds of cool shit. Car ride, you name it. Yeah, the big car ride. People love the car ride episodes that came out on the actual feed. Yes. Check out the car. The new car ride is killer that we did on the bonus. Carpool Tunnel. Good stuff. Get on there. Patreon. Queep it up. Tell a friend. Go gay.