Tuesdays with Stories! - #616 Q and Anal

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Welp folks, you wanted to interact with the queen queefs and today, we make it happen. Q and Anal is a show we do on the Patreon where the gays get to ask questions and get answers from the horses' mouths. This is technically Q and Anal #38, and the previous 37 episodes are on the Tuesdays with Stories patreon! If you enjoy it, join up! patreon.com/tuesdays Joe's New Special! : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXAEFZ-z_ns Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Support the show and get 20% off Raycon’s Everyday Earbuds. Head to https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Ha ha ha ha! Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody!

That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose why I'm... Alright! Hey! Folks! We're here! We're queer! It's been so long, we've had the same laundry cycle.

Yeah, we're back around. Crazy. I just, I wear, you know me, I wear a buttoned up shirt a lot. Yes, that's your thing. You like to dress corporate. Absolutely, well we're here, it's Tuesdays with stories, and we're doing something a little bit special,

a little bit different, and we know how much you guys like different, new, weird stuff. Yeah, you hate when we keep it the same. Yeah, you don't like the same old, same old. So this is something of a Patreon preview. Yeah, I like that. We're going to do Q and A-nal power play. Bussy bumper.

Bussy power, OK. Bussy power is good. Yeah. Q and A-nal is our Q and A show where you get to write in. You write in. If you're on the Patreon, you get to ask questions of us. We'll ask the question, but we'll also pontificate and go off the rails and maybe tell a story, tell a thing and whatever it is.

Yeah. It's a fun way to be interactive with the, with the gays out there. We get to, you ask question, we answer it. Can't beat that. You know, Joe Rogan's not taking questions. No, he's not. He's asking the questions. But also, by way, I'm watching the Obama Osama doc. You're talking about fun. How crazy is the John Miller interview? They didn't translate the answers back. John Miller in it. Oh, that guy was a cook. He went and interviewed, but not in 98. And then they were like, yeah, we're just not going to translate what he's saying to you. And he goes, how do I do a follow-up question? Like, Oh no, no follow up. And so they get in the thing. And then afterwards he asked the translator, he's like, what did he say? He's like, he said a lot. We got to get out of here. How funny is that? Cause

the whole time, but London's like, everyone will die. There'll be blood in the streets. If you're in the army, if you're not in the army, we're going to kill you. We're going to cut your head off and fuck your mother. And the guy's like, uh-huh, okay. Yes, exactly. And then the translator's like, we gotta go. Like, get in the car. It was gold. I mean, imagine doing a podcast

with a guy speaking Portuguese the whole time. Yeah. And you just gotta go, oh, Bluetooth, got it, okay. And then your friend's like, he wants to kill us all, death to America, let's hit the road. Yeah, yikes. But anyway, so we've done 37 episodes of Q and A, and they're all on the Patreon,

and it gets a little spicy and dicey in there. And personal, we open up, we're open books. Oh, we open, maybe. Open gasket. Open asshole. Open sandwich. Open face. French open, US open.

Yes, yes. Wibbled it. Open and shut case. I don't care if you're barefoot, but the dangly thing, it's really gross. What about don't dangle? I don't like a you're barefoot, but the dangly thing, it's really gross. What about don't dangle? I don't like a man hoof. Well, don't dangle's better than the dangle.

The dangle's just very effeminate. Well, it's tough, because I'm at home, you know? I'm a homo owner, so I can really wear what I want. It's a great studio. We have the best studio now. I think a window shade might help, but I also like that bra lady that happened last week when we had the same outfits on.

Yeah, we get some good views and some bad views, but I don't know, the people looking in and seeing us on mic is really off-putting. It's not great. Have you ever worn linen pants, by the way? I don't believe I have. It's pretty nice. Oh, is that what that is? I think it's linen.

It breathes. It's good for the summer, it breathes. Yeah, it's very Miami. Now, what do you got? This is cloth. It's all cloth. I see. Cloth is you got? This is cloth. Ah, it's all cloth. I see. Cloth is broad.

Broad. Broad cloth. I see. Cheese cloth. I see you. Okay, well yeah, this is, you know, standard. Pants, yeah, just pants. It's from Amazon.

Corduroy pants. Yeah, pants. Cans. Clans. By the way, oh, I want to make a statement. Yeah. Pants. Pants. Cans. Clans. By the way, oh, I want to make a statement of apology. Oh, big statement. I got to come out now on the 30 for 30 about Reggie Miller and the Knicks and they did

the whole thing in whatever year that was, 95 I think. Miller time. And yeah. And Reggie Miller, I mean, Spike Lee, that pimple, who I don't enjoy his work. You did the right thing. He says the Ku Klux Klan started in Indiana. And because he said it and he's a filmmaker and a guy, I've been saying this for like 20 years. I thought that was true as well.

I've been saying it. I got it from Spike Lee. Some guy messaged me and was like, hey, I'm from Indiana. I've heard you says a million times. Spike Lee said on 30 for 30, it doesn't start here. He's like, it started in a God. I already forget Kentucky. I think pull it up. Give it a go. KKK origin. Was it Kentucky? Let me look at the map or the message. That's true. Kentucky clan. But he's like, you got to stop saying that. We don't want that fucking thing. You know, who is from Indiana is Michael Jackson. That's right.

Very well. He went white. Oh, Tennessee. Did I say Tennessee? Tennessee and then Georgia. Yeah. It started in Tennessee and then the next chapter was in Georgia. Okay. And Indiana's not even in the Wikipedia. So I apologize for spreading this rumor. I got it from Spike. Go to Spike. He's the source. Yeah. Take it up with the Lee. I don't know where the fuck he got it from. But Indiana, you've been absolved of your Ku Klux Klan, whatever you call that. And we just did Indiana with Dr. Phil. Absolutely. We did. There was no Klan there. By the way, I wanted to talk to you about that message she sent us because he was like, yeah, so and so did so and so. And I was like, did we say so and so did so and so? I didn't remember. I don't remember

the, I listed, by the way, it was a two and a half minute voice memo, which I don't care for. I was kind of nice. It was very complimentary and sweet, but anyways, you didn't respond. I noticed. I know I meant to write back. Yeah, I'll get I'll get in there. Well, because I was in shock because I was like, did we say because he references the thing we said and I'm like, that was not good if we said that. I don't remember. You know, talk about give me a couple of context. You said so and so bombed.

Yes. And he's like, well, they did bomb. But that's not the reason. But I'm like, we said that on the air. Oh, I don't think we did. Where else did he get it from backstage? We talked about a person bombing. Oh, okay. You ran. All right. All right Oh boy bunker buster. Okay. Well, let's get the Q and anal we got 39,000 locked and loaded I know but I think some people might be like what is this? I want to give them a little taste of the regular business But okay, let's go answer the question. All right Nice. What are your thoughts? on the dark side of want to give them a little taste of the regular business. But OK, let's go. Hit us with a question. All right.

Nice. What are your thoughts on the dark side of comedy TV show? I'm sure Joe hasn't watched it. Wait a minute. Is that about Greg Giraldo and the guys who died? Yeah, Chris Farley. Yeah. I thought it was fun.

It's a little morbid. It's a little sad because all these brilliant, funny John Panett and Sam Kinison and all these funny guys are like, this is how they died, this is what they were on, this is what their kids see and this is why their wife's crying. How come there's no less bid? It's only more bid. Folks. It should be less bid. Like something that's happy is less bid. Right. Instead of more bid, it's less bid. I like it, I like it. How you doing, folks? I'll do one further.

It's always digress. That's a livegress. I think it's regress. Well, I digress. Oh, digress is, yeah. That's like the whole show. Yeah, well, let's a livegress. A livegress.

Let's keep it positive. A livegress is you stay on topic. I like it. We're not good at a livegressing. No, we die. I digressed just a second ago. Yeah. Yeah, I never saw the show.

I saw the dark side of the ring. Is that the same people? Yeah. It's dark side of the night. I mean, I think it is. It's at least on the same network. It's got a dark side of the nineties, dark side of the two thousand dark side of the moon. It's really good. I actually like it a lot. They're wrestling one is fucking awesome. I hate reenactments, but there's our killer. By the way, that Obama, Osama, Doc, has a bunch of reenactments too. Oh yeah. I didn't realize that. Sorry. But how cool is it seeing Obama in the conference room? Well, I haven't got there yet.

Oh boy, that's good stuff. I'm still in the Bush administration. We got him. But anyways, yeah, haven't seen the show. It sounds like fun, but maybe I'll check it out. Is it streaming? I'm not gonna check it out It's dark. It's dark, but any kind of comedy stuff I'm all in for but I would love a documentary on Geraldo. That's just here's Geraldo. Give me the whole ups and downs I don't want just the down syndrome. They did the comedy sensual one. That's true, and I enjoyed it. Yeah, that was fun

It was weird one fun fact about that is Daniel Tosh praises Geraldo. I've never seen him compliment a person. Yeah, so that was fun to see because he's such a funny guy and for him to go Geraldo was unbelievable. You're like, hey, look at that. Yeah, Tosh.0 So from Taylor. Taylor! Yeah! Good profession. Swift. I know Mark and Theo's time doing standup in New Orleans overlapped a little. Very brief. I was wondering if Mark knew Sam at all from his time at Tulane.

I did not. Sam's a little younger than us, so I was off in BR, Baton Rouge, doing my horse shit. Sam went to Tulane, Jew Lane, as we called it growing up. Whoa. Which is fitting for that heave. Yikes. And Juslinak went there as well by the way. No kidding. Harvard of the South they call it. It's a great school but Sam couldn't handle New Orleans. First of all he's a booze bag. It's hot as shit. We got about four Jews

there. He said I'm Exodus. I'm getting Moses and let my people go and I think he flew back to Manhattan Right. Yeah, he's a New York City guy. He's all picture him in Toledo Yeah I've been to Toledo with him. You can't get a seltzer a bagel a schmear a whitefish a Lock so he I think New York is his superpower. That's like how Superman needs the sun. He needs a hobo jerking off to a rat. Superman needs the sun? That's how he powers himself.

I didn't know that. Like a phone charger. What's he do? He goes up there? He goes up and goes, he absorbs the sun. Seriously? And then he comes back down, he's full 100%. Hugs it or does he go to a rooftop with shirtless?

No, no. He doesn't have to go towards the sun. What? What's he do? I think the sun is his, is his, uh... I've never heard this at all. I thought he went to Jermell or Jamal. It's like the, just the sun is around. It just, it's good.

I think he... So he's just human then? He needs vitamin D? Yes. Yeah, he needs vitamin D. He went... But we all need vitamin D. I don't know...

But he can go up to it and touch it and go, Hey, sonny! So he just goes feet first, like, tsk, he just plugs in? I don't know about that. He puts his dick in the sun and he gets the rays. Yeah, he doesn't hurt his eyes? No, he's Superman. He has the laser eye, I think.

Oh, right. He's got supervision. Nate Barghese had laser eye. I don't see him going to the sun. Oh, that's lay sick. I'm a little sick. Yeah, me too. I think he is normal when there's no sun.

Give it a goog. I think the sun is his strength. What's Jarmel? Isn't that his home planet? That's Jake Jarmel. He with the jujube. Oh, that's funny. Everything I know of Superman is from Seinfeld. Well, Superman's the worst superhero, I think. It all works out. Oh, he's super strength. What else? He's got a, he can fly. Oh, what else? He's got vision. Okay. He can bend anything. He can touch anything. He can fuck anything. Now I've talked to some people about this Superman theory though, and Greg Stone is a big superhero queef. He told me about what things that makes him interesting. And then of course, there's the kill Bill speech that also makes him interesting. But is that he has to decide who to help because he's so

powerful. He has to, he's watching all the suffering. So his whole life is just feeling the suffering and he has to make decisions on what people to help. That's true. Cause other people are getting hurt at the same time. Yeah. So everyone's fallen off of buildings and he's got to be, I got to ignore these children getting fucked till I can go save my wife. Well, he seems a little partial to Metropolis. It seems to be around those parts a lot, which is not really where it goes. Go to Zimbabwe, go help the Uyghurs.

Exactly, and whites. A lot of whites. You never see them scooping up black kids off the streets and putting them in school or whatever. No, go to the South Side of Chicago, just block some bullets. Yeah, he's the man of steel. That's still your car.

Sorry. No, you're good. Solar energy from the yellow sun is the source of energy for his powers. He's like a calculator. Well, when Superman is exposed to large amounts of sunlight, his powers can be magnified. Thank you. But because it says solar, think of solar panels. They don't have to go towards the sun, they just sit.

I know, he can. But why doesn't he move to San Diego or something? He could really be even more powerful. Well, to him, he just- He could go around the world in a half a second. He just goes up, he's super. He can just fly up to the ozone layer and go, it doesn't matter what city he's in.

I guess so, but if it's overcast, you gotta get through the clouds, it's wet, you gotta come out wet. I don't wanna be wet, plus there's turbulence. When it's cloudy, it's like, bl-bl-bl-bl-bl. I think he's so strong, he doesn't get affected by turbulence. No turbulence.

No, no. When he's on a flight, that's turbulent. Does he feel that? As Clark Kenny does. But he's still Superman. That's true, that's a good point. So he feels turbulence. I suppose he can swivel.

His home is the Fortress of Solitude, and it's in the middle of the sun. Okay! Now we're getting somewhere. Wow! So you're smarter than him. He's a dork nerd that likes mutant turtles with the t-shirts. But you know more. Yeah, he goes up to Jor-El. No, Jor-El's his dad. Jor-El's his dad.

Sounds like a black guy. Oh, okay. Why didn't you correct me when I kept saying Jor-El is his planet? What's his planet? What's the planet? No, Jor-El is the planet, I thought. No, no, son of Jor-El.

Oh, so what's the planet called? Daily planet. Yeah, yeah, that's where he worked. Krypton. Krypton! Kryptonite. Kryptonite Krypton! Kryptonite. Right. Samsonite.

OK. OK, Krypton. And Kryptonite sounds, if he's from Krypton, you'd like Kryptonite. Kryptonite Shalemann. I don't know, I'm from Massachusetts, and I can't stand most of the people up there. And it does take your power away.

When you're home too long, you're like, I'm going to get the fuck out. If I wore this outfit, my family would be like, look at you, you big shot, you fucking homo with your buttons. Yeah, that's very healthy. Good for the psyche. I think on his home planet, there's no sun and he's just a big pussy. I believe, right? There's no sun on this planet. I thought he lived in the sun.

No, that's now. He was a baby. Remember how they sent the baby to earth and then he grew up to be Superman? That new Superman, by the way, you have to pay me to watch that movie. It looks like complete dog shit to me. Come on, James Gunn, I trust him. It looks stinky. Gunn is big. How do you know I like Ninja Turtles? I don't know, I just assume you like Ninja Turtles.

That's my favorite. I mean I liked them when I was a boy, I don't continue on. Sure, yeah. I grew up. Alright. Good question. Oh wait, did I even answer it? What was the question? Did you know you did? Did you know Sam? Oh yeah. That was a half hour ago. I wish Superman. Yeah. Theo was with Theo. It was like Elvis because he

had been on MTV. So I was like, Whoa, Theo Vaughn is here. And he was like a cool wigger guy with a hot girlfriend and he'd be on TV. I still remember his act too. Yeah. He had a joke. He goes, yeah, when I was sick, the guy goes, you're under the weather. And he goes, aren't we all under the weather? And I was like, put your money on this guy. He's going right to the top.

Wow. That blew my tits off when I was a brand new comedian. Yikes. That's funny. We're all under the weather. That's good stuff. Jarell. All right, for Joseph. Joe is hard on himself for having no discipline early in his career. But now he seems to have strong

self-discipline. For example, a few years ago when his cholesterol was high, he immediately changed habits. Yeah, you were a soda cum guzzler back when I knew you. Yeah, I mean, I tried to change that, but now I'm back again to eating a brownie a day. No, no, I have no discipline still. I did quit soda. I quit soda from reflux. I quit drinking.

So I got some. I got something. You get the big ones. And I get, I write a lot of new material and I work constantly. And so there's something there, but no, I eat fucking tiramisu every night. I'm a fat fuck. I put queso on my burrito every day sugar is addictive and the more sure you eat the more you want it right that's the hard part it's a vicious vicious cycle so I

eat a lot of ice cream and yodels my diet is fucking horrific what's a yodel yodel I think that's regional I realize white semen oh no Swiss roll yeah it roll. No, not cinnamon. Swiss roll. Yeah, it's like a Swiss roll, but better and cooler and gayer. But maybe I'll get some when I'm up in Maine. Easy, big fella. Is it regional?

Drakes? I think so. We don't call them yodels. Yeah, yeah. There's like, you can't find. We found this. I think this was on an episode at one point years ago. I was talking about yodels, and people were like,

what the fuck are you talking about? What's a ho-ho besides our wives? Well, those ringdings and ho-hos are the same, like Swiss rolls and yodels. What were like what the fuck are you talking about? What's a ho-ho besides our wives? Well, there's ringdings and ho-hos are the same like Swiss rolls and yodels. What's a ring ding? See, we had ringdings and yodels. Well, ringdings also in Seinfeld. Yeah, but I never knew what it was. It's like a puck.

It's like a it's like a yodel and hockey puck shape. Like a moon pie. A yodel is a dick and a ringdings a hockey puck. Got it. Got it. It's all chocolate cake and then chocolate like hard around it. Yeah. Yeah. That's not like a. Is that a moon pie? No, a moon pie is like oatmeal cookies with cream in the middle.

Right. No. Yeah. I have no idea. Give it a go. Let me get a ring. I'll show you. Look up Moon Pie. I'll give you a ring. Moon Pie sounds like a slurred. I mean, this neighborhood's full of moon pie. Absolutely. It does. I thought it was. Maybe we'd turn it into one. It it's interesting because it's This neighborhood's full of Moonpies. Absolutely it does. I thought it was. Maybe we'd turn it into one.

It's interesting because it's kind of a combination of yours and mine. The middle is oatmeal cookies with cream, but the outside is chocolate. Yeah, there you go. Oh, there's also Devil Dogs. That was a big thing. Devil Dog. When I was a kid, Drake's. That's a good name.

Yeah, see, there's a Ring Ding. Oh yeah. Oh, those are so good. Yeah, yeah. So good. I forgot about, yeah. Oh those are good. Yeah, good I forgot about devil dog. So these are all drinks. There's yodels ring dings boy Devil dogs coffee cake funny bones Boy RFK jr. Is pissed right now. This is that drink shit is this whole enemy funny bones They're they're the same thing as as yodels, but it's peanut butter in the middle. Oh bones, they're the same thing as yodels, but it's peanut butter in the middle.

Oh! I'm hard. That's good stuff. Just got a text from Sam Morrill. How about that? What are the chances? Hey, Tulane. But anyways, yeah, I don't know how disciplined I am.

What was the question? So basically, his actual question is, is this self-discipline a byproduct of becoming sober? Oh, well, you certainly have more self-discipline when you get sober, that's for sure. You have to. I had none before. I have very little now.

But I don't know why I say that. You're right. I beat myself up about it. But I do go to the gym almost every day. I run. I meditate. Steam. I steam.

And I'm there. You read. I read. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think being a good dad is a lot of discipline, too. Well, you've got to do it. Yeah, there a lot of discipline too. Well, you gotta do it. Yeah, there's some really bad dads.

Some dads do not do it. Dad Jarell. That's what I'm saying. Many, yeah, some just leave. That's always fascinating, like my buddy, my best buddy's dad just, he left. He was like, I couldn't do it. That was crazy.

Wow. That was stressful. I know a bunch of people that had that happen too. The guilt would just eat away at me. I'm a piece of garbage, but I could never do that. Yeah, but I think people do it at a high rate. Yes. Wow.

For sure. Certain communities. Yeah, I was going to say that. Easy. OK. Jarell. But yeah, I do my best. I don't know.

Yeah, you're great. Thank you. You're welcome. You're great. I don't know anybody who has transitioned. Well, you know what I'm saying. I don't know anybody who's been a full 180 as much as you. Oh, thank you.

I appreciate that. It's pretty impressive. Oh, thank you. The willpower. I mean, sure, you got your brownie up your ass. But other than that, I mean, even a soda, not to call him out, but he still smokes a shit ton of dope. Yeah, that's true. And you and you don't even do that right? Oh, you won't touch a shroom. You won't touch a

Barbiturate no drugs. Yeah, no drugs. No soda. That's tough. No hugs. That's what I'll cry. So I got some problems Yeah, diarrhea Dope is weed and dope is heroin. I Think dope just means same as junk. Well, junk never refers to weed. That's what I mean. Because cocaine is not dope. Yeah, smoke's dope.

Yeah, good point. It's weird, right? He's smoking dope is one thing and he's hooked on dope is heroin. Yeah. And then he's a dope. Oh, he's a dope. So you get his rope a dope.

Good point. He's a dope for being hooked on dope. Dope, weed, grass. Grass is out He's a dope for being hooked on dope. Dope, weed, grass. Grass is out. My dad says grass. Grass is out. He's born in 1957, so he's like, yeah, I'm smoking some grass.

Weed is kind of fizzling out as well. Is that right? I feel like it's all, maybe weed's in. I think weed's still in. I think the dispensaries made it like 50-year-old moms are trying gummies. I think that's the thing. Yeah, but I hear weed still. OK, weed is in. I think the dispensaries made it like 50 year old moms are trying gummies. I think that's the thing. Yeah but I hear weed still. Okay weed is in. Pot is out. I think pot is fizzling. Pot. Oh you mean the name. Yeah pot is like

going that's like my dad like he's smoking pot in his room. Yeah. I think pot is fizzling. Yeah I smoke pot. Yeah you don't hear that much pot usually is like calling the pot black or whatever. Right, right, Jermell. Yeah, weed replaced pot. Yes. Yes. And I think smoking weed is like the phrase for the most people, you know?

THC, well it's all vape now. Everything's vape and gummy. Yes, I like the gum. Well anyways, yeah, I guess I'm disciplined. You are, you really are. I think so. All right, anyways, yeah, I guess I'm disciplined. You are. You really are. I think so. All right.

This is from Lucas. How many times do you think of a bit and then think, this would be better for a different, specific comic? Every now and then you get that. I think a bit is so rare to pop a bit in your head that you're like, I want to make it work for me just because, you know, bits are few and far between. But every now and then you're like, this is for a black guy. I have a lot of those where I'm like, I can't pull, I got the N word in it. I got to give this to Jarmel. Yeah. Well, I think I might have told this story before. Colin Quinn helped

with this years ago because I was like, I had a bit about how everyone talks about how there's no black baseball players anymore and I was like, but half of them are black and people were like, those are Dominicans. I'm like, but black is a color. Dominican's not a color. Right. You're not like, hand me that Chinese crayon. You're like, but they're not black. The're brown. Right, but that's the same term we use. I see. We call brown people black. Yeah, true.

Like Michael Jordan's black. Yeah, we're not white. Yeah. Pink and beige. Pinkish, yeah. So that was like the bit, but I was like, I remember saying to Colin, could you do something with that? I don't know, it's not my, it doesn't fit my act.

And he was like, but you thought of it. He's like, if you thought of it, then it fits your act. It's you, it's your thought and you are you. So you could, and it actually helped me because I was like, anything you come up with, you can just make your act. That is the fattest woman I've ever seen. That's true.

That was female Rupert's luck bud. You beat me to it, it's Rupert. Yeah, I did have one bit with the N word in it where I noticed some guy yelled the N-word at a loud place and everybody went, Jesus, and it shut the whole room down. And so I said, wouldn't that be funny if you could do that in the library? Like if people start talking, you just yell the N-word. I was like, now we're quiet again.

I gave it to Baron Vaughn, he uses it. No kidding. Yeah. Wow, you could have just kept it and said N-word. I think it's better if you shout the N-word. I think so too, in general, in life. Yeah, I agree. That's my dad's motto.

But yeah, I don't know. Usually if I come up with a joke, I don't think like, oh, this is... I never try to write a joke in someone else's voice. I guess I could. You never did like a for a roast guy or a board show or anything? Oh, I've done that. But even a roast, it's like you're just writing a roast joke.

That's true. And then you give it to them. They can do whatever they want with it. That's true. So I guess maybe I have had a few jokes where I was like, this would be a good Hedberg joke or a good whatever joke. I've thought that way a little bit. But I can't think of one of the jokes, really.

You think roast jokes are kind of universal because they're just one-liners and they're short? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Although I feel like on this pod alone, we've written a lot of, You think roast jokes are kind of universal because they're just one-liners and they're short? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Although, I feel like on this pod alone we've written a lot of, oh shit, Chuck, can you let her in? The wife hired a cleaning lady to come in.

Keep riffing. Oh, nice. Keep riffing. Well, maybe we should get another question before you... Stairs? Yes, please. Oh yeah, I'll do a question real quick. All right.

Just leave the cleaning lady out there. We had a version of this on one of the Q&A-nals, but not exactly. And because this is going in public, I think it's interesting. Question for Mark. Whatever happened with the Mark Normand Needs Help series, just the trailer alone was great.

Oh, thanks. I don't even remember this at all. Oh, really? Wow, thanks. It's so high production. It's like, it's crazy. I've never saw it in my life. So this guy, Matt Baxed, B-A-X-T, he got a wild hair up his ass and said,

I got an idea for a show and I think you'd be perfect for it. And this is, you know, seven, eight years ago when you had nothing going on. So you're like, a guy's interested in me? I'll blow you. The Baxed of life. Yeah. Sorry, I was sitting on that. So he goes, he goes, the show is it's a super, what do you call that? We, uh, wait, what do you, oh God, he would know where it's spider miss, the universe, the multiverse, multiverse. So it's a bunch

of multiverse Normans. Oh, I kind of remember this now. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. So he's like, you're not good at anything, but the multiverse version of you, you're a rabbi, you're a Wall Street guy, you're a mechanic, you're whatever, you got the real you in this universe then the multiverse is all other kinds of a clan member, car wash guy, mailman Norman Norman. So that was it. And you shot it? We shot a sizzle and the guy, he works for True TV, he works for all these sci-fi networks.

The guy had connections. So he goes, yeah, we'll just shoot it. We shot the sizzle and the sizzle is unbelievable. It's beautifully edited. It's me as a rabbi. It's me as a mailman. It's me doing this. I'm a doctor.

I'm delivering a baby with the full scrubs on on we really put some money and time into this and we shopped it all over LA nobody got it. Everybody hated nobody knew who I was they hated me. She touched my leg and The guy goes sorry. I just spent you know, half a mil on that. It went nowhere Welcome to show business and I said, great. Can I have the sizzle though? And he goes, yeah, fuck it, what do I care? So I put the sizzle on YouTube and it blew up. Wow.

The comments were like, I would watch this, where's this show, let's make it, whatever. So can't you take that to the network now and say, hey, read this? I guess I could, but it's his property. So can't he do it? He's gotta get on that, yeah. All right, Baxdee.

Yeah, it's great. The production quality is crazy. You should watch it. It's really, really good. Put the link down there. Yeah, I'll put the link. All right. Backstab. How'd it go with the lady? Pretty good. Oh, shit. Some weird stuff. I'll tell you later. Oh, geez. Made a comment. All right. You ready? She made a comment. It's an interesting comment. She's a can't hear it on the air. I don't think so. She's a... We can't hear it on the air? No, I don't think so. I don't think...

Oh, Jesus. What the hell? Jermell? She's a little late for a funny reason. Oh. She's late. The reason is... Oh, all right, so we're not in trouble. No, it's just the reason is interesting. Oh, I can't wait to hear.

Yeah, yeah. Reason chocolate chew. You ready for Joe? I just watched Small Ball, fantastic special. Hey! Thank you. YouTube right now. I just watched Small Ball, fantastic special. Hey, YouTube right now. I'm curious about the thanks. How do you decide who gets the thanks and the credit?

And are the thanks the same on all specials? Good question, Fetty. Yeah. You can look at the specials. They're not, they're different. Some of them are different. Well, he's wondering how you decide. I'm thanked on yours and Mark's Netflix. Oh

The typo yeah Really? And the last one which one the one that we shot at the seller I think because I was there oh Enough for everybody. Yeah, oh When you said that marks that's like they meant both of our Netflix. No, no. Did I even know you then? It was your third comedy selling in Mark's Netflix. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, sometimes I feel like I forgot. And then sometimes you just want to thank, it's a place to publicly thank people in your life. But then you're like, I can't just have everybody on. And sometimes you're like, I had that guy. This time I tried to shorten it. Because sometimes I'll have 75 people over there. Because you're like, well, that guy gave me a tag. That guy lent me money. This guy kissed my father. This lady fucked my mother in front of me for fun. So, um, I don't

know. It's hard to decide. There's some people like, you're always going to be thanked because we do a show together where all the people coming to to the show listen to this show. Maybe not all, but so many of them. And then, you know, for a long time, years ago too, you and me and Sam were bouncing every bit off of each other. You got that right, Fanny. So it's like, well, this person heard all these bits first. I got to thank them. You have to thank your wife just because whatever, you don't want to look like an asshole. And then your family, you throw that in there. And my therapist, Colin Quinn, I talked to before every special and he's like my spiritual guide in life.

He's your sherpa. Yeah, then Louis Gay, and I kiss him on the lips and watch him masturbate, so I got to thank him. And then the clubs that book you, you want to thank them. And then you're like, OK, well, you did this. Your manager and agent, you have to have on there cuz they'll get pissy Have you gotten yelled at for not putting those thanks up for somebody? I did think so I'll tell you later, but he was like wow, no, thanks really after all I did

I was like, I didn't think of you in my life poor Salacuse all I did and I was like, I didn't even think of you in my life. Poor Salacus. Yeah. Great response. He's my dad. But yeah, so you put them thought this time, like I said, I try to do less because sometimes I'll have a ton and then I usually put in some kind of a celebrity or athlete that I found inspiration from and I had, you know, Nadal and Alcaraz because you watch them and

they're like, man, this is inspiring. They just forget about the negative and they keep working and they work so hard. Whenever I'm watching tennis, I'm like, I want to go right. I want to listen to a set. I want to do pushups. Yeah, so you can kind of get inspiration from there. The dollhouse.

And yeah, I think I thank Patti Smith on this one because I kept reading her books and it made me want to go to a coffee shop and sit and write. Sometimes as artists that you're like, God, I just want to go work because coffee shop and sit and write. Sometimes there's artists that you're like, God, I just want to go work because I'm reading this person or listening to them. I get that with directors.

And they're never going to see it, but you're like, I'll put that in there just because it's for me. I like that. I like that. Yeah, it's very cool. So yeah, so you do that, and that's it. And then we made the movie. You put thank yous in a movie, the Fourth of July.

Like Mike Lee, the director, Mike Lee, we watched, I can't think of the name of the movie. I'll think of it in a second. But like- It was Mike Lee and Spike Lee. Oh yeah. Director. Different spellings. Different words.

But yeah, you're just like, hey, why don't we, that's how the movie started. We're like, we'll just make that movie he made. You know? And then you go, shit, well, we got to thank him. So kind of stuff like that movie he made. You know, and then you go, shit, well, we gotta thank him. So kind of stuff like that, I think. Yeah. Cool. Good answer. Yeah.

Good question, Iguato. I was waiting for that. Yeah, me too. I made an Iguato reference earlier, nobody heard it. I didn't hear it. Hit me, fatty. Do either of the boys have any dorky hobbies? I've recently gotten into Magic the Gathering

and was wondering if they had any secret nerd tendencies Like Mark knowing everything about Superman. Well, I'm a skateboard junkie still. I don't know how dorky it is But at 41 it's kind of sad to be like look at this little whippersnapper grinding that rail so cool and I'll see kids at the skate park and I watch them to the fence like a pedophile and it's it's unbelievable what these kids are doing and I try to keep up with it, you know, kind of like you try to keep up with a new young comic. You go, what the kids doing now? He's different. He's got a he's an original. And with the skateboarding, I still watch the X games. I watched the videos, the clips, all that shit. I follow half of them. It's pretty sad.

Yeah. Dorky. I don't know about dork.. It's pretty sad. Yeah, dorky. I don't know about dorky. I mean, I guess baseball, is that dorky? Yeah, I watch a lot of baseball and... I watch UFC. Yeah, these aren't dorky things. I mean, Magic the Gathering. I mean, I tried to get into chess for five minutes.

Oh yeah, what happened with chess? Well, I played my niece again. We played to a draw. I'm really bad. And then I got signed up for chess.com, which was exciting. But then you're like, it's just looking at my phone again. And going back to the discipline, I don't want to look at my phone.

You got the board. I have the board, but you need someone to play with. And Sarah doesn't like me. And she's like, the pieces remind me of your dick, so I don't want to touch them. And so, and I signed up for chess.com. So you're like, oh this gives you lessons or whatever,

but I don't have the discipline, I don't have the fuckin', the mindset to, I can't be a chess guy. So I tried to get into chess for five seconds, and I still like playing it, but when you have, you need a partner, a fartner, so yeah. And then mandolin, I'll pick up the mandolin here and there, I guess that's kinda nerdy, I guess.

I mean, if I'm being selfishly, I'm relieved. I was worried you'd get the mandolin, you'd get the chessboard, you're gonna be all smart and hanging out in a coffee shop in the 60s with a scarf on, I'm like, it's good to have you back, you're eating brownies and watching baseball with the rest of us pieces of shit. I'm a big retard, so.

All right. Dorky, I mean, I'm just not into, yeah, magic and dungeons and dragons. Just get out of here, get real. I know, I try to play the piano at all. What the hell? Joe, you like wrestling. You don't watch wrestling, but you love documentaries about wrestling. Yeah, I do watch old, old wrestling stuff, like the WWE Vault.

Because I like anything that takes me back to my childhood, because- Nostalgia. It's really interesting to see things as an adult that you watched as a kid. Yeah. Because when you're a kid, you're like, oh, Dusty Rhodes. And then you find out that Dusty Rhodes was wearing polka dots, because Vince McMahon hated him.

Oh, I like that. And so you're like, oh, this is fascinating. So I will watch old shoot videos they call it where they tell the real story of what was going on, which is all I ever wanted. It's similar to John boy who I'm obsessed with and just went to a studio yesterday, which was cool. That is a hot mother. Milt, we call it in the business. When you're a kid and manager umpire fighting, you just want to know what they're saying. That's the same thing with wrestling. I'm like, I want to know what's going on behind the scenes. And now they all do that.

Because when we were kids, that was like, you did not do that. No. It didn't matter. You did not ever come out and say, I hate Hulk Hogan. He's a piece of shit. So now it's fun to know. And you're like, this guy's coked up. So I do have a nerdy thing for old.

I can't watch current wrestling because it's gay. But old wrestling, where they were characters and wore smaller tights and makeup, that wasn't gay. No, you got there right, pink hot pants. But documentaries we both love, I don't know if that's considered dork, but I like to watch a Winston Churchill doc. I watch a doc on, it was a fashion lady with the big glasses, New York lady, I forgot her name, she's old with short hair.

I watched a Ralph Lauren doc on a flight yesterday. I met him. Really? Actually, I didn't meet him, but I was at a party with him, and I thought he was Joe Liebman. That was at the Paul McCartney thing. Little guy. Yeah.

Ralph. I think it was Ralph Lauren, yeah. Ralph Lefkowitz. Cuz I was like, that's Joe Liebman. And Louie was like, that's Ralph Lauren. And I was like, well, whatever. Eh, small Jew. Yeah, small Jews.

They look very, very similar. Well, there you go. Joe, when wrestlers pretend real life is wrestling, it's called kayfabe. Right. And back in the day, Undertaker wouldn't fly on the same flight as like, the phone. That's fun.

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. It's funny, because people try to do this with comedy. They'll make a whole video like, Tom Segura clearly hates Matt Reif, and they make them fight, but they don't hate each other, but they'll just make it up. Right. Back then it was real. They'll compile like one line from podcast. Yeah. Mark, you also like ska. Oh, I like ska. Yeah. I've faded on it, but I still enjoy. I still love rants that I got the record up there. Yeah. We talked about catch. Well, I mentioned Catch 22, I guess,

and a bunch of people in the comments are like, Catch 22, Catch 22. Yeah, I love the misfits. Oh yeah, I remember this guy, but punk rock. Okay. Love it. All right, how about this? Would you ever roast battle each other?

I mean. We don't have to. That's one of the beauties of success. If somebody paid me, I would do it. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Sure. An amount of money. But roast bat, I'd rather do roasts. They're so much funner.

That's what we should do. I miss old roasts. I mean, the the I don't know who we roasted. Oh, the Lewis Gomez roast was like one of the funnest roasts ever. And then, of course, the Yanis and Nate ones. Yeah. Roast battles are frustrating and they're also kind of strangely tilted. It's like someone always has an advantage.

Whoever's going first or second always just feels like weird. I did the one with Sarah, which did really well. Did great numbers. Yeah, that one's like the biggest thing we've ever done. It's like insane. Talk about tilted. That was like a height of a lot of bullshit and you had to, everything you said about her would be like, Jesus, you can't make fun of a woman. Then everything she said about your tiny dick or whatever, they were like, go girl!

Well, roasting a woman, I feel like they're always going to be on the woman's side. And then I ran into trouble because I was like, Sarah used to be a stripper and everyone went, woo! Like empowerment. And I was like, oh, well, this joke's not going to work. Right. I'm like, the whole idea of this is, I'm going to call her a fucking despicable whore. Right.

And everyone's like, yeah, she was. And I'm like, oh, well. I'm like, oh, her cunt fucking sucks or whatever. And people are like, boo. But if I ever roast battled again, I would do it the same way we did it, where we wrote together with Fred. I had Tom Dustin wrote most of those jokes.

That's the way to roast battle, I think, is to work it like a team. I would want to sit down with you and be like, all right, you're going to say that? Okay, then I'll say this. And then, because we've talked about it before, the worst thing that can happen at a roast is you learn something about yourself. But you're like, wait, that's what you think that? and because we've talked about it before, the worst thing that can happen at a roast is you learn something about yourself. Yeah. You're like, wait, that's what you think that?

I know, I have halitosis? Yeah, and then now you're on stage going, well now I'm like furious. Right. That's a bummer, like I'm sad now. And you're just thinking about the halitosis. So I think that's the way to do a roast battle, but I'd rather do a roast roast. With a roast roast, where we're both on the

dais, or one of us is the roast person, whatever. That would be much more fun to me. And the other thing that I hate about roast battle is like, it's fun to be a judge, but you're like, I hate the winning and losing aspect of it, of like, oh dude, you got fucking, I'd rather just be like a fun thing. That's why roasts are fun. Cause naturally everyone's gonna rank who had the best set anyways. But like, it's not like a declaration

of a winner and a loser. You're like, roast battles frustrate me. And they go, I don't know if you watched any of them, it just became jugular after jugular. Your mom had cancer, your dad died in front of you, your sister's a fat whore who's a prostitute, and you're like, man.

It used to be, you watch the day of stuff, like with Sammy Davis Jr. and Don Rickles, it's like, get back in the kitchen, you spick, or whatever. It was all fun and games, and now it's just like, your dad slit his wrist wrists and that's hilarious right so they got they got a little dark yeah hi there folks this episode of Tuesdays with stories is blot to you blot to you by brew chew why I really flipped it around there it's brought to you by blue chew if you're having trouble getting it up and getting it on when you want to, you need BlueChu. BlueChu is the closest you get to giving your

junk an on switch. BlueChu sends you chewable tablets that taste like mint and will make you go God in the bedroom. They taste like mint and the, and then you'll bang like mint. You know what I mean? Yeah, mint. I love mint. I love blue chew. I love having sex and this makes sex better. We assume a lot of you are middle-aged, you're overweight, you have bad hearts, and that's just the producer.

Folks, and his assistant, I love blue chew. I have one at my desk. I have one on my bedside table. I have one in my asshole, one on my pillow. It's the best. You know about it. If you listen to podcasts, you know about Bluechew and you know how great it is. You've got to get it. It's discreet. It's easy. It's helpful and your woman or man will be absolutely thrilled with you. All you got to do is just sign up at BlueChu.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and if you're approved,

you'll get your prescription in just days. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChu free. Just use promo code Tuesdays at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it Join blue choose mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time head to blue chew.com for details and safety info Hey folks Tuesday stories brought to you by Ray

Everybody loves when that classic comes on just like Jurassic Park movies and sunburn This summer Ray cons everyday earbuds classics are back when that classic comes on, just like Jurassic Park movies and Sunburn this summer. Raycon's Everyday Earbuds classics are back. Better yet, the latest version of Raycon's Everyday Earbuds Classic now features active noise cancellation, the one thing that we're missing. Ooh, do I love that noise cancellation.

Raycon's audio quality rivals all the big audio brands and half the price. Pair that with eight hours of playtime and a 32 hour battery. Your Raycons will never leave your ears. You gotta love Raycons, they were already great. The sound was crisp, but now that they got the noise cancel, it's a surefire bet they're

the best in the biz. Gotta get on it. Love it. For a flight, for a jog, for the gym, whatever you're into. Don't believe me? Just check out their tens of thousands of 5-star reviews. Go to buyraycon.com slash Tuesdays to get 20% off fan favorite everyday earbuds classic. Right now Raycon is offering 20% off their everyday earbuds classics. Buyraycon.com

slash Tuesdays. This episode is sponsored by Raycon. Thank you. All right. This is mainly a question for Mark. In the past, he has described himself as desperate in his teenage years and socially awkward. Yet, he said he had a steady girlfriend in high school, lots of friends, got up to a load of mischief, and lived in a mansion with both of his parents. I'd call that a pretty idyllic life. Oh my God. Well, this is why nuance is key.

The house, I lived in a poor black neighborhood where everyone hated us and they thought we were rich. We got broken into all the time. We had no cool shit in our house. It was scary. You'd wake up at four in the morning to a guy in your living room. You could hear him breaking shit downstairs. The cops had to come all the time. So you can't just put the mansion out there. It was a horrible childhood situation. I still look at my parents I'm like, how did you do that to us? Me and my brother were like little boys just freaked out like I had to give police reports all the time like I saw

The guy he had white socks and flip-flops on and jean shorts and they were like, okay Thank you little boy like it was we knew the police it crazy. But whatever. So what was the other part? Oh, social life. I was a chubby kid with braces, curly hair. And I was a nerd. I wasn't good at sports. I couldn't do anything. I was sweaty.

I had the same sense of humor, which didn't really fly back then. And it was not pretty. I hung out with the punk weird kids. I was a misfit from day one. And I had a sweating problem. I had dandruff. I was a mess.

So yeah, it was not idyllic. What's those ear lobes, sir? Yeah, the ear lobe problem. Couldn't talk to a girl. So when I got a girlfriend, I held onto her. Because I was like, I'm never going to get laid in my life. That's not far off. Yeah. So I did have a steady girlfriend, I held on to her because I was like, I'm never going to get laid in my life. So I did have a steady girlfriend because I was like, you're not going anywhere. I had

a chain to a radiator and yeah, that was it. I was getting steady sex. So you better believe I was sticking to it. That's interesting. All right. You ready? After being in Hollywood so long, do you think Jackie Chan has to make his accent stronger after being Americanized? That's a really good question. If so, what would he sound like specifically, Joe? Well, we both know a comic who straight up told me when I go on stage, I up my accent because I think it makes me more interesting more funny whatever so yeah, of course you want accents are a

Asset oh yeah accent asset absolutely Yeah, I don't know. That's yeah, that's a strange question. I think he just wanted me to do that But I thought that was gonna be for us being in Hollywood for years, which is hilarious But I thought that was gonna be for us being in Hollywood for years, which is hilarious Somebody said that was a great Stephen King clapback tweet. Someone was like you Hollywood liberal piece of shit He's like I live in the woods in Maine. I always have right. It's like I've been in LA like six times in my life Yeah, have you seen Stephen King? He ate Hollywood. He's a ghoul He lives in like Bangor right Let's see He's a ghoul. He lives in like Bangor. All right.

Let's see. Question for Joe. Bangor text. Have you ever considered writing a book? I'm sure it would be nearly impossible right now with the baby, but if you do, I'll buy 10 copies. I'm listening to an old G Tuesdays, and you told the story about opening the shower curtain after 9-11.

Oh, yeah. You mentioned how you had a page a day sports trivia book, but stop tearing them off after nine 11. I found that so beautiful and poetic. Thank you everybody. Oh wow. I mean, those are just two things that happened. I don't know. It's not like I was like, it was the 12th of September all through the house. No, I did try writing a book during COVID. I think I told the story. I assume I told it on here. I was like the, everything shut down and I was like, I'm going to do it. I'm going to write a book the way I've always wanted to write a book. And then I just started writing these stories. I think those might've been in there. I don't know.

I wrote a bunch of stories. I got a literary agent. Whoa. WME was like, we have a literary department and we can send it. And then I sent sent it and this is the thing that's so hard about Everything that's why I like comedy is you send the thing I wrote like 25 pages of just shit and I said it I was like, this is good. Here we go I got a literary agent. I'm gonna have a book forget about it. Here we go I'm Stephen King. Yeah and here we go. I'm Stephen King. Yeah.

Now I'm driving the bus. So I sent it off and then the lady, she called me and was like, this is like a fire hose, none of this makes sense. She's like, I don't even know what you're going for with this. Fire hose.

This is- What about your book? My car. I sent a picture of my dick with a jacket. It's a hard copy. So she was like, this is crazy. You gotta get this organized. This could maybe be sent in as comments. And I just went, this is crazy. You got to get this organized. This could maybe be something that's comments.

And I just went, ah, never mind. Yeah, fuck it. You know, I'll just write a bit, or I'll do a podcast. And I'd like to write a book, but we have this. This is our, we tell the stories here. But so yeah, I think about it all the time. And my manager always pushes for it, but I don't know. Maybe that one man show could be a book oh yeah that's just a book of me talking

about my ex-girlfriend you know what you need is a ghostwriter yeah bad movie good good move because I'm writing a book weirdly enough about my childhood because I try to sell the movie no one will buy it my agent goes if you're making a book I bet you can sell it as a movie. So I'm like, oh great, so now I gotta write a book. But I just hire some nerd and then I just go, hey, this, this, this, and this. And he just, he can make it all the best of time,

the worst of time, the gay of time. And so I'm gonna just try that. Yeah, that's not bad, but. Hey, I could write you one in 10 minutes probably too. Yeah, I'm not really into that. But yeah, so maybe, maybe, and then you're like this, why don't I just write a self-published book like Dayton Bissett.

Or Sam Tal. Who just, yeah, and Sam Talent got his option for a movie. Oh. Maybe that's not out there. I think that might be Google. Heard it here first. I think that might be out there. I don't know.

We'll find out. I'll text him. He listens, so we'll know right away. Big Tal. But, that's out there. I don't know. We'll find out. I'll text him. He listens, so we'll know right away. Big towel. But, oh, he needs a big towel. Hi, folks.

But anyways, so yeah, maybe someday. But yeah, then I'm like, I talked to Dayton. I'm like, I'd rather just self-produce something and sell it on the road. You make more money that way. That's true. He makes a fortune on those suicide books. Forget about it. All right. This one's really funny. Did either of you go through an emo phase?

No. My brother did, so I got to see it firsthand at how gay and annoying he was with his dyed hair and his nails and his fishnet bullshit. And I was like, thanks, but no thanks. I mean, I talk about it all the time. I went through no phase. I've been wearing, I mean, I have a linen pants phase right now, I guess. But I've worn basically blue jeans and running sneakers and rock and roll or sports t-shirts 100% of the time, hair blown back, and that's it.

There you go. I got no goth phase, no emo phase, no hippie phase, no pot phase. Your glasses changed. That was about when I met you, you had some gay serial killer dad boomer glasses. Yeah, wire glasses. I got a man, like my first real manager,

was like, what's going on here? She broke them in half and threw them in the toilet. Right. And made me get these. But, um. By the way, as a manager, you're allowed to trash people's looks. Like, I knew a guy who had crazy teeth. And his manager was like, I'll hire you.

We got to fix your teeth. And the guy was like, okay. And he had to get his teeth fixed. Enough about me. Yeah. Sarah and I always talk about that with female tennis players. It's the only time you can just be like, she's carrying too much weight. I don't know what she's been doing, but look at her. She's got fat thighs there. I always say about the UFC whores. They're always like, she weighs 38 pounds, she's this old. You get the age and weight. The two things you're not supposed to ask a woman. They put it right on screen. Good point. I have a point. So yeah, what was the question? I have no idea. I was about to ask the same thing. Did you go through an emo phase? Oh, no emo. I did a skateboard

phase. I had a chain wallet for 10 minutes and some kids took it from me and I never saw it again. Yeah, no emo. I have no emotions. It's horrible. I got you. All right. What is the stupidest question a Tuesday has asked you? Second part, is it this one? That's an emo thing. It's meta. No. You know what I get a lot that's a funny one is I get this the most out of any question from the gays is you and Joe going to do a tour? Oh, that's the next question. Okay. How hard would it be for you guys to do a tour? Oh, that's the next question. Okay. How hard would it be for you guys to go on tour?

They like comics. Audiences like comics interacting and doing stuff together. Like, what, you and Sam and Joe going out? You guys gonna headline together? Well, I think they also, it's two for one. They wanna see both of you, but if we don't tour together, it's this amount of money for that and this amount, then all of a sudden they're $200 in.

And you go to one show, you knock them both out, I guess. I guess so, yeah. You have to watch a shitty opener or whatever, they just see the both of us. It's like Hall and Oates, you don't wanna see Oates. No, hate Oates. You want both. Right.

So yeah, I guess, but that's the number one question, but you go, he's headlining in Denver, I'm headlining in San Francisco, Sam's in Tulsa, then we all come back and cash the check. Well, and I mean, not to sound too creepy, but if we toured together, you'd be losing money. Right. Well, you would too.

Now you're splitting the, well, it depends on what kind of make it make it. Two flights, two hotels, I think you were gonna get paid less. Right, but if we're doing, you do bigger venues than I do, you do them by yourself, you're gonna make the money. If you and I did it together, we have the same fan, like I'm not bringing in different fans, so we'd be doing the same size venues that you're doing, and then you would get half the door instead of 100% of people.

Right, I hear ya. So that's the main problem, is you'd have to just take a massive pay cut. Well, also, but I think comedy is the only thing people ask. Michael Jordan is doing personal appearance. They're not like, you got Pippen? You got Rodman with you? Well, they hate each other now. Oh, okay. Well, the wives fucked each other, whatever.

But yeah, it's just weird that I think it's a comedy only thing. Yeah, I suppose so. But I guess anytime there's a duo of any kind, I'm sure people are like, hey, is Robin coming? I guess that's true. That could have been Howard Stern or Batman. Oh, yes, the Dark Knight. That's what I call Robin.

I think people love comics being actual friends, and so they like to see them together. Yes, they do. They like comics being friends and enemies. But by the way, we'd have the time of our lives. We were just in Indianapolis together. I've not laughed that hard since Golden Girls finale. I think that that's part of it.

It's like if you guys each. Thanks for being a friend. If you guys each did a set, and then you came on stage together in Rift, I think people would flip. That would be something, yeah. I mean, we did that in Phoenix. Phoenix. We did it in Phoenix, but we also did it in Albuquerque or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We had about six people come out. But yeah, that was fun.

That's fun. What else you got to chew chew? It's funny. Jessel Nick was like, comedy is not about friends. Comedy is not about groups. You should be doing it by yourself and you shouldn't be linked to anybody else. That's really stupid. A lot of absolutes, somebody absolute. Comedy has to be this, has to be that, come on. He was talking about the Rogan verse.

All right, from Matthew Benz. I'm gonna pee so bad. But keep going. What is one weakness in your life that you wish you could make a strength? Oh, geez. For me, diet. Diet discipline, going back to the earlier question. I mean,

I eat Tiramisu, chicken par, McDonald's, and it's not even that food. I like, we were talking about this in the regs the other day. Like I like salmon and steak and asparagus and broccoli and salad. There you go. But I just don't have the wherewithal or the discipline or the money, not the money, but the, the just sit and cook it. just don't have the wherewithal or the discipline or the money not the money but the the Sit and cook it. I don't want to cook. Yeah, if you order Fish and vegetables delivered. It doesn't hold up as well, right? It's not like that's good gets all squishy and shitty So you can go out and buy it at a restaurant, but it's a million dollars

You can make it at home, but you're not gonna do that exactly I'm like I can't just go to Del Frisco's fucking four times a week and eat a $75 meal right so yeah I wish I could eat well cuz I exercise a lot and I think I might be ripped if I could stop eating tiramisu seven times a day yeah so that's a good one yeah there you go you would be it'd be a lean green machine. Yeah, I'll try someday. My thing is like anything What's the word? Officey or you know anything? Clerical I can't sign up. I can't sign in. I don't know any of my passwords

I don't know you asked me a tax thing. Well, what's your tax ID number everywhere? I go I check into a hotel They go, what's your rewards number? I go, I check into a hotel, they go, what's your rewards number? I go, I don't know. And they're like, you're losing a lot of points. I'm like, I know. I can't do anything with numbers. I'm the same way. Anything on the computer where you got to fill something out. I don't have healthcare because I tried to fill it out twice and they went error. And when I'm out, I can't do it. I'm the same way. This is why you should have an assistant.

I know. I want to get an assistant, but it's a lot. But I feel the same way. And not only that, we've talked about this before, but it's like, not only can I not do it, it triggers me in a way that I can't even describe. Which I think is just ADD, by the way. Sarah gets frustrated, and I'm like, I need you to help. And I had my mother do all that shit for so long,

and now I'm like, I pay an investment guy. I pay a tax guy. I pay an internet guy, an edit guy. I can't do it. I cannot focus. But I've always been like that, even in elementary, middle school. I'm like, I can't take it in. But at least back then, it was analog.

Now with the computer, it gets so like, give me a two-factor authentic, we're going to send you a text and you put the code in from the text and I'm like, I won't even get a text sometimes. So I'm like, what do I do here? So stuff like that drives me nuts. I have this too because I can't focus. I have to leave everything out. And Sarah gets, drives are crazy because I'm like, oh, I'm loving this book, but I'll forget to read it. So I have to like leave that on my bedside. And then I'm like, I have a gift card, I gotta put that on my bedside.

That's a different problem. I mean it's all like ADD shit, so I have to have stuff laying around. I bought a basketball, I'm like, I gotta leave it on the floor or else I'll forget that I wanted to play basketball in my life. Thank God Sarah's walking around, you'll never get laid. Yeah, well that I think about constantly.

That's true, that's in the biology, I guess. But yeah, anything clerical, I'm out. Anything. The DOB is up my ass about everything. Department of buildings. Cause we got this, this house now. So now you're in the system. So they're like, we need to do an inspection. We need to do an HV. We need to do a landscape, a rat thing, exterminator. I'm like, ah, well, this is why I'm like, I can't even think about buying a, I might never own a house just because of that. Like, just the idea of taxes and a guy. Yes!

But I remember being a kid, a boy, and seeing like, envelopes on the table, and it would trigger me. Yes! When I was eight, I would see like, bills and stuff. My parents would do their taxes, and I'd be like, it made me feel sick to my stomach I kind of relate to immigrants, you know, these guys like come over the border and they live under the radar

They they they landscape I would totally do that because I need to hang out at Home Depot and go I'll work 100 bucks a day that I understand but like coming in getting the green card doing the tests Doing of the language and then paying a tax thing, and filling out a certificate. I wouldn't do it either. I would just completely live illegally. Right. So there you go.

All right, from JP Fishing. Fishing! California poppers. Okay, I know that Mark was a poon hound back in the day. What did you say to women if you didn't want to see them again? Oh, that was the hard part.

You're talking about this guy? That was the hard part, was like getting out of it. You know, like, hey, we had a great night, we had a great time. Ideally, I'd love to never see you again. But the one thing that you're good at is confrontation. Yes, that's me. So I think the whole thing is you got to like lay it all out early. You just got to have a little little chit chat and just go,

hey this is fun, I'm not looking for anything right now, blah blah blah. Women go, of course, and they go, what are we? Right after. So it was, that was hard, but I think if you're honest with them, women want to get laid too, so just keep it keep it on the the up and up and keep it clear. And it helps to not live in that city. You know? You want to leave the next day. Yes, exactly. That's funny. From Small Peen Big Dreams.

Hey! He said, would you rather fart every time you come or come every time you fart? Wait a minute. He said, would you rather fart every time you come or come every time you fart? Wait a minute, fart every time I come, for sure. Fart every time you come or come every time you fart? Well, I fart like 17 times a day. Exactly. I would have to change my pants.

Right, right. 12 times a day. Yeah, and this microphone would be full of jizz, just because we fart on here quite a bit. Oh yeah, good point. This room would be, we'd need like a taxi driver guy to come in and wipe the jizz down. Well, and I'm married, so I don't mind farting when I cum.

We'd just giggle about it. You know what I mean? If I was single, I'd be a little more self-conscious to blow a load and be like, psst. Yeah. If it was short when you cum, that would have to be, I'd have to go back in there and look at the stats again. That would suck.

And farting after or during a cum is OK. If you fart before, I think that could ruin it. Because if you fart before and your lady's like, what the hell are you doing? Like, it stinks. And then you go like, oh. But then she can queef as much as she wants. Why can't I fart if she can queef?

Well, a queef doesn't stink. Yeah, that's true. It depends on the veg. OK. We answered fart the veg. Okay. We answered. Fart when you jizz. Yeah. All right. From James O'Brien. Hey! That's John Boy's name. What do you think you'd have to say to get canceled? Oh, I think I said cancer. Hand me a pack of cigarettes. And do you think that certain people are given more

leeway than others because they've set their stall from the beginning? I don't know what that means. I think that's a big part of it. Well, here's the thing with canceled. Obviously, we've said stuff that's worse than people have said they've gotten canceled. But people don't understand always.

It's what world you're in, where you're at. And I've said this before, like, if we got, if I got cast on a Disney plus show where I'm the principal or whatever, they would go, hey, wait a second, this guy on the kids show on Disney channel said fucking, whatever. Sure.

We're not in that world. We're in the podcast, YouTube, Rogany, Legion of Skanks, all this stuff world. And as I've said, I'm too small to cancel. Nobody gives a fuck. Small ball. But yeah, that's the scary thing about this bug is if you start getting too successful,

then people start to go, hey, wait a second. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, so I think cancel is tough. Because for us, we've built a fan base. So cancel is having your fans turn on you. Yes. Which to me, it's more dangerous when I talk about TRUMP. People go, I'll never buy a ticket to you again.

And you go, well, aren't you being a triggered snowflake? Right. That's another topic. That's a whole other bag of hammers. So yeah, for us, it would have to be the thousands of wonderful fans we have. You guys allow us to not have to worry too much about it. Yes.

And I think, to the guy's point who asked the question, you can't do the flip-a-roo. The flip-a-roo is the ultimate cancel. Like, hey, Ellen, you're all about dancing and kindness and joy, but I hear you're a big cunt behind the scenes. We don't like the flipperoo. We don't like the Cosby with the sweater going, pull your pants up, don't curse, be a good boy.

Behind the scenes, he's drugging the ladies. So the flipperoo is bad. So if you stay kind of consistent, I think people go, that's what he does. That's kind of his thing. Well, and I feel like I'm a reverse flipperoo. I'm on here being like, I fucked 85 women. I want to come in my dad's face and you should fuck kids and piece of shit. But in real life, it's like, I'm just like a loyal husband hanging out with children all day and working with kids

And I have a niece and a nephew and another niece and a nephew and a son, but I'm saying you're like reverse Yeah, word wise though. You're you're you've been edgy or whatever. That's what I mean That's what I'm saying is like we're saying this shit, but not living that life. Whereas. Yes, you're talking about the the flippy Yeah, yeah, which is all these people Bill Cos Cosby saying, well, he didn't get canceled. Somebody said that's true, which I think also we've progressed to whatever we're more actions are getting canceled now than words. Yeah. And it's even I don't even know if cancel the right word. Some shit is illegal.

Right. You're really just getting reprimanded and arrested. And also, I think it's so clear that we are. Joking, you know, fucking really very silly, but like Gillis, his thing was clearly a joke or attempting a joke, but yet he got canceled because he had the SNL carrot dangling. Yes. So if they could take something away, you can't really take our pod away. Right.

But if they could take something big away, I think that's a, people like that. It's a big kill. A network company thing. Right. Which I'm not talented enough to get. Nor am I, as you saw with Mark Needs Help. All right, last one.

Oh shit, wait, did we cover the time? Just about. Okay. Ricehole asks, if you had to live your 20s again in any decade, which decade would you choose? Ricehole sounds like an Asian pussy, but you go. 20s in any decade, I mean, it's hard not to do the one I did because it ended up being pretty good for me. The nineties?

I wasn't in my twenties and nineties. Jesus Christ. But that would be my go to, I think my twenties in the nineties. I mean, I feel like I would have a fucking sitcom. Oh, yeah. Or could have maybe. But I don't know, yeah, those were great times and money seemed good. I don't know. I have a hard time with these kind of questions. I just life to me is what it is. It's hard for me to be like, oh, the 1840s or something. I don't know. The 20s would be kind of cool. I mean, the booze is flowing, it's roaring 20s, it's right after the war, you're a white male. But your 30s is going to be a bummer.

I mean, do you have to stay on that path? That's a good question. Yeah. It'd be great to prush. So yeah, I don't know. I would hate for that stock market to crash. And I'm like, fuck, Meardar. You're in a bread line.

Yeah. Yeah, good point. Zorian. In bread line. So yeah, that's a tough, give us another last one. Yeah. Fuck that guy. You suck, Pete Dreams or whatever his name is.

Rice Hole. You suck. Oh, Rice Hole. I love you Rice Hole. Ha ha ha. That's quite a good one. That guy Reese in England, he was good. Oh yeah, cute kid.

Say bye. Riff for a minute, cause I gotta weed this for a good. That's so bad. I gotta piss and I gotta go to a corporate gig. I know. Oh yeah. Every time with the stripper, he used to slap her ass. So I thought I'd probably weed through this for a good... That's so bad. I got to piss and I got to go to a corporate gig. Oh yeah. Every time with the stripper, he used to slap her ass. I'm probably telling this story.

Tom Dustin and I used to go to the strip club all the time, the cabaret. And there was a stripper, she would slap her ass so hard. It was just red and it was like purple and she'd go like... Oh, easy. And then we literally had an intervention at the table. We were like, you got to, that's not good. You got to stop that. I mean, it was like literally bruised up the loudest slap. We were like, you gotta, that's not good. Yeah, yeah. You gotta stop that. I mean, it was like literally bruised up the loudest slap.

We were like, that sucks. We hate that. I've never heard this story and I'm with you. And she had Google, yeah, her eyes were really far apart. I think she hit her eyes apart. That's how hard she hit her ass. Jesus Christ. It's like, what's that guy? Who's that guy with the wacky eye? Sammy Davis.

Thank you. That was it, really? I think so. Oh, wow. We'll go with that. But yeah, I don't like the aggressive stuff in a strip club. Like these women who do a back flip, and they climb the wall,

and they're like, ah. You're like, whoa, just be a fun lady with tits. That was the first joke I heard Ari do when he moved here at the cellar. He was doing a joke. He was sitting on the stool. He's like, sometimes you go to a strip club, and they do this with their shoe.

Yes. And they look at you like, huh? And he's like, nah, that's not anything. I could do that. Nobody's scared, nobody's like, oh God, she clapped her shoes together. I can't believe Ari wrote a joke. All right.

Seeing as comedy is more prominent now across the country, if you had to start over today, and you couldn't move to New York or LA, where would you begin your career? That's different. Oh yeah. I think Chicago's got an underrated scene. I think Denver's got an underrated scene.

Philly. Philly's good. Philly's producing all the big guys right now. Yeah, Tampa's a fun town. So yeah, there's options and all you need is the interweb these days. So you can kind of go anywhere. I'd go Cleveland. I just I have some people there that are very special to me

and I just like to be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice one club. Yeah. That's fun. Hilarities. Good choice. Beautiful, beautiful club.

Great club. A lot of history there. Good yoga. Yeah. Good yoga instructors there in Cleveland. And I might, you know, I don't know. It's good. I like the winters. I like, you know, I don't know. Whatever. I like the winters.

I like the cold, harsh winters. Yeah, lovely ladies there. Sure, yeah. One at least. Oh yeah. Too bad the city's married. We gotta close it up. September.

I can see Mark is suffering. 9-11 through the 13th. I'm gonna piss right next to you. 9-11 through the 13th, Denver Comedy Works, one of my favorite places of all time. Yes Join the patreon join punch up live go watch small ball. Yes on YouTube We're up over 7 million views now by the time you've heard this and Tom Dustin Portia of the Community will be coming out I think in August this month. Oh month that's gonna be coming out on punch up. So get on punch up live go go go

for next month. That's gonna be coming out on Punch Up, so get on Punch Up Live. Go, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. I'm in San Diego, DC, Boulder. We got a sea in Boulder. Rochester, San Jose, make updates. Going to Europe in October, Athens, Helsinki, Oslo, Dublin, all the fun ones. Get some bodega cat, get on the Patreon. I gotta take a whiz like you wouldn't believe. Chuck, take it from here. Woo! Check out my podcast, Fun Bearable. It's gay, it's stupid, everyone hates it. Brad is cool. But it's really fun, funbearablepod.com, at funbearablepod. It's good stuff. I also have to piss very, very badly. Me too.

Yeah, well we've been going for about three hours here we had to get all these banked don't tell us you hate us we're trying our best for God's sakes we had to bank all the episodes and Mark is gay he had a nanny you know the way poor people do but anyways thanks for listening to the show recommend us thumb it, whatever you're gonna do, and join the Patreon, I don't know, George is saying cut it. Yeah, if you like the Q&A, then sign up, there's so much more. We have 37 more of these, and we have a lot of fun on there, we go deep. So, yeah, do it.