Tuesdays with Stories! - #617 Snap, Crackle, Pop Warner

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

We’re BACK from the break with a brand new ep, and we got stories up the wazoo! Salacuse intrudes on Joe’s life and they have a gay old time. Then Joe has the kook and bike experience of a lifetime. Mark has an airplane fiasco and a baby sh*t covered arm on the way to beautiful New England! The weather is hell, the travel is hell, the life is hell - it’s Tuesdays!! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and sign up for your one-dollar-per-month Shopify trial at https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Holy hell, we're back. I can't believe it all these years. How the hell are you, Fannie? Oh, man, I'm good. I mean, this is crazy. It's crazy. Everything's wacky.

Well, they haven't... It's crazy. They haven't missed us because we've been here. For them, they've been here. That's true. But I think a couple people know we pre-recorded. It seems like I'm getting dead through. I came home.

There was a swasticking on my door. It said, don't. pre-record, you piece of shit. Did you get a cyber truck? It's like, I mean, there's people hanging episties or epigraphs, autographs, autographs, whatever. Epiphany? I have no idea.

That's an epiphone. That's a lady in my neighborhood. There's some cuckoo ladies. I rode my e-bike over here. We're in a helmet. There it is. You got to do it. Got to do it.

I've been fighting with Salek. He's with the helmet. I got a bit out of him, I think. I was like, you've got to get a helmet. You have a chop. And he's like, well, it's all bike paths. I'm like, that's like saying, I don't need a seatbelt. We're on roads.

That's great. Doesn't make any sense. That's a good point. And he's not riding on bike pass. He's riding through the financial, he goes through red lights, wrong way. I'll get into that in a minute. I don't need a condom about a brothel. Right.

But it's great to see it. We haven't recorded. This is the longest we've gone without recording. I'm just going to say that. Is that right? It's got to be. How about that? Five full weeks.

I was gone for a month. You were gone for a month. And then they overlap. How long were you gone? Three weeks? Two and a half weeks? Fifteen days. Oh, yeah.

24-hour flight back. Cathay Air. You ever heard of that? Cafe Air? Cathay. Oh, Cathay. I've seen that. It's out of Hong Kong.

Yeah, Cathay Zeta Jones. Yeah, I have a catheter in my dick. That seems awful. The catheter. I think I'd kill my... I'm going to kill myself the first even remotely serious health thing I have. Really? I thought about it with acid reflux, so it can't...

Sir, forget about it. Well, if you need me, I can pull the plug. I'll be there. Well, I don't think I'll have a plug yet. I'll still be healthy looking. You've got to shoot me. All right, I can shoot you. Sure.

It's going to be hard to get a gun out here. No, you could get a gun. I'll get a gun. I think it just have to do some work. By the way, how about that machine gun fella? Possibly white. How about this? Possibly white.

I try not to get involved with strangers or even cooks on Instagram, whatever. But sometimes, every once in a while, I just... Some lady commented on the news story. I know this is six months ago. The guy walked into our town with a machine gun and started shooting people. Midtown Manhattan, AK-47. Some woman writes, how the hell does he get through security? I can barely get through security with a legitimate appointment.

You didn't shoot a fucker. I'm like, he's got a gun, you fucking asshole. He didn't show up and pull out his wallet and show him the license and say, call Judy. Yes, he shot everyone in the way. And then he got the wrong elevator. You can get anywhere with the fucking AR-15. Is that right? He went on the wrong elevator?

Yeah. They say he went to the NFL headquarters, but it was all, that was all distraction. He was actually going to Black Rock or Black Cock. Black Stone. Black Stone. Black Stone. Black Stone. Those are often confused.

It's Black Stone and Black Rock. What's the difference? They're totally different businesses, I think. But that Black Rock is like a bank. They have all the money. Black Stone, I think, is like a real estate. They have all the houses, something like that. Oh, I don't go to.

black owned businesses. Yeah, you try not to myself, but a little difficult in this neighborhood. That's true. Gee whiz. I've got to buy my sandwich somewhere. But, yeah, the guy shut up. I think he was going for like a Luigi moment, and he really botched it. But it was NFL? He wanted the NFL people?

Apparently he had CTE, and so he went to the NFL, which I think is a little unfair because he never made it to the pros. He should go shoot up the pee-wees. Yeah, shoot up some Pop Warner. Yeah, exactly. So that guy was a little too big for his britches, and then a couple ladies got shot and don't look at the internet

because they're like, well, she worked for black cock, so fuck her, she's a rich bitch, and you're like, she just work there. She's just like a secretary. Well, that's what happened with fucking Luigi. People are like, all right! I'm like, we can't just gun people down the streets, you fucking idiots. Also, what kind of name is Pop? Pop Warner?

Pop Warner, yeah. That's his name Pop. Is that what it is? Is that what it is? His name's Pop. That's a guy. Pop Warner. I didn't know that. Yeah, Snapcrack of Pop Warner. Hey, how about that? Popcorn. How about this? I'm watching Miss Rachel for a couple hundred hours straight. Jerking off?

Oh, yeah. Imagine her going to do a dirty talk. Oh, pull your dick out. Yeah, well, there's a book where she's making a... She's trying to show all the emotions, and one of them is, like, shame. And I'm like, this would be a great thumbnail for porn. Oh, yeah, that's true. But, what was it?

Oh, they sing a song. This is not worth saying, but they sing a song about popcorn, popcorn, popcorn, kernel, pop. And then at the bottom, it's like, do not give a toddler under the age of four popcorn due to choking hazard. And I'm like, well, why fucking sing a song about popcorn? Yeah, good point. Is that the most retarded thing? Yeah, might as well sing a song about knives. Don't give your kid knives.

Ooh, they're sharpened knives. So you really see my point about the popcorn. I'm like, I'm watching them like, just do a different song. You made the stupid song up. Just sing fucking spaghetti, spaghetti, suck my dick. Eat my mother's pussy mariner. Clip it. Yeah, no, I'm with you.

I'm with you. That Miss Rachel, she's doing all right. Yeah, I don't love her off show. I think she's a little kooky, but... Well, she's got to be a little kooky. Anybody who deals with kids that much is kooky. Elmo's a rapist. Barney fucked my dad.

All these people. Brimus. Don't get me started on Grimmis. Grimmis and Barney. Pretty similar. Kind of stole his shit. Yeah, a couple of purple fucks. Kind of a hack.

Same as my tip of my cock. That's true. Purple hack. One-eyed purple eater What is it? One-eyed, one horn flying purple people eater. I always wonder, is that a purple thing that eats people? Or is it a thing that eats purple people?

I think it's a purple thing that eats people. Oh, that sucks. Yeah. I wouldn't care for that. Yeah, they're out there. Watch out. Well, should we get it to some stories? Because I've been all over the map, mostly one small section of the map, but all over New England.

Yeah, well, I got to go all the way back. Because everybody's like, what was our show? Australia like, but I got stuff before that. Hit me with it. Give me the before and after. I wrote down a whole bunch of stuff. So first off, me and the neighbors were trying to chum up. It's like the 50s. Yeah. Except he's black.

Yeah, it's nothing like the 50s here. Leave it to Beaver, but he's, you know, black. Yeah. Leave it to zebra. Black and white. Oh, there you go. That's a sketch. That's me and him. So, me and him,

we go out with the wives, and we go to town and we do like a whole thing. It's very adult. We get an Uber, we go to dinner, we have drinks. Now it's wife swapping on your mind, because that's all that's on my mind all the time. 100%, but the black guy, I don't know, you don't want to bring him in the fold to my Turner.

Oh, I want him in the fold. Tina Turner. But yeah, so we all go out, they're British and they're fun, but it's one of those things we're like, it is a social thing. You're out there, hello, how's work? Oh, get out of here.

Oh, you like fish? You don't like fish? Oh, yeah. What's going on to the news? You know, it's adults talking. Yikes. News is scary now. You can't make small news small talk now.

I made a Megan Markle joke because they're British. And he's black. So it's kind of like, I don't want to tread. She's her, you know, they were racist towards her. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. Fucking Buckingham bitch. So that gets weird.

So, yeah, you got to tread lightly. Sure. Plus, I'm a comedian. So I like to go dark. and whatever. So does my wife. But we go out, we hit the drinks. It's one of those, it's like right out of a sitcom where the drinks come.

We're all like, you know, because it's just so many lulls and awkward moments. But we're trying to do good. They have a kid. We have a kid. We want to do some bonding here. They can watch ours. We'll watch theirs, whatever. And we go out, we just end up getting blasted.

We go shithoused, get back, go to bed, wake up, flight in the morning. I'm so hung over, early flight. Hung over on a double date, get to know each other? Well, and we just put them back, because there's nothing else to do. You have dinner, and then we're like, let's go to this bar and talk. Right, you put them black. Yeah, dark and stormy. So I'm at the, I get off, I get out of the Uber, thank you, and I go, oh, I'm at the wrong terminal.

Oh, gosh. It's such an easy fuck up, but it'll ruin your whole life. Easy fuck up. What do you mean? Well, I just put in, you know. Oh, I see. Because it's, I got you, I got you. I put it Uber, and then they just drop you off at the airport.

You're like, thank you. And then you're like, oh, I'm at Terminal 5. I need Terminal 1. Yeah, and then that train is not a speed train. The AirTran. Yes. So, which would be a great basketball player who's trans. Air Trans.

Yeah, that's not bad. Get that sneaker. If it goes to men to women, it's going to dominate. That's true. Where are the men trans sports? What do you mean? Women to men. Yeah, it's all men to women.

Men to women. Leah Thomas, the UFC guy. What about other way? Well, I think if a woman transitions to a man, she's not going to make the big leagues. I guess that's a problem. Physical disparity, yeah. All right, good point.

I thought we were all the same. No, not physically. Okay, well, that's controversial. That's crazy. So we, I'm at the wrong terminal, and I go, oh, I hit the Uber guy, he's gone. That's over. So then I'm like, oh, what do I do?

Do I walk it? So I map it. It's like a 38-minute walk. I got the luggage. So I go, I see a guy in a shuttle, just like a Marriott shuttle. I go, buddy, I'm desperate. I'm hungover. I'm gay.

Can you bring me to Terminal 1? He goes, God. I go, I'll give you a 20 bucks. He goes, all right, get in. So I give that guy a 20. He drives me for 17 seconds. We get to terminal, whatever. I get there.

So hungover. Now, I'm on a flight to Eugene, Oregon. I've always wanted to go. It's a cute little town. It's Portland Light. No cooks. So I get there, and it's one of the, it's an Alaska flight. Alaska Airlines.

Yes. They're good, I heard. They're pretty good. That's Derek's go-to. He loves it. Oh, it's pretty good. But the, uh, I get the wacky crew. I hate the wacky crew.

Wacky crew. It's brutal. Crew team, crew cut. Crew ton. Crew ton. Hello! Here we are! And they're all in sync.

Hey, we're the same. the wacky crew, Alaska Air, Air Trans. Oh, boy. You know, woo-hoo, choo, where are you from? You know, the whole thing. Well, this is curb your enthusiasm. That's too much enthusiasm. Oh, yeah.

That's the show. Good point. It's too much. It's too much. It's too much. It's just like you. Oh, yeah. That was crazy.

That was kind of cool. All right. So if you're here, how's he there, bram-ro. I don't know. It was the ugliest guy I've ever seen, which is over. It wasn't great. But, yeah. Yeah, it was just the wacky crew, and I'm hung over, so you're like, God, enough.

And they do the bing bong, hello, we're the wacky crew, and you're like, all right, all right, I'm trying to watch Melrose's place here. Finally, we get there. It's a six-hour flight. Now I get out of the airport, and there's a shuttle to my hotel. You're like, oh, hey, how about that? So I jump on the shuttle. They're like, oh, we got to, he's like, we've got to wait for a couple more people. I'm like, all right, whatever.

Guess who shows up on the shuttle? Hmm, let me think Take it, take a while Is it a comedian? No, no, I wish. The pilot. The crew. The crew.

The whole crew shows up on the shuttle. So they're going, were you just on our flight? Get out of here. And then I'm just like, yeah, so dead, so hungover. And I'm just praying to Allah that they don't figure out who I am. So about, it's a 20-minute ride, about eight minutes in, some lady goes,

why do you look familiar? And I go, oh, no, I'm a choblastard. Because I was on your flight. Yes, yes. I'm one of the eight states. I've dittled every kid. They go, there's something about you. Hold on.

Beep, boop, boop. You're that guy. You're the guy, the annoying guy with the voice who sucks. And you go, yeah, that's me. They go, yeah, you got the podcast and the other thing. And I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now it's just an onslaught. Don't tell me a joke.

And you think you're better than me and all that. So I go, how about this? give you free tickets to the show. Just leave me alone. So we get to the hotel. We're all in the same hotel. We're in the elevator together. It's brutal. They're on. They're snapping. They're doing like a barbershop quartet, the elevator. I finally get out of there. They come to the show. We have a great show. Did they wear their uniforms? No, no. That would be fun. But we do the show. I get back. They're at the hotel. Hello. The show was great. Oh, my God. We love comedy. Comedy's what keeps me going. My mom died in front of me. I need to laugh, whatever.

Get on the flight the next day. Same crew. Come on. I cannot shake these queeps. They're everywhere. It's like having a marching band following you. You're like, lay me alone. It's like having cheerleaders. This is horrible. Horrible. Horrible. I don't even hot, sexy, cool.

They were kind of cute, but I will say they were very nice and they were on the flight together the next day. I was flying L.A. They were going L.A. and they gave me, you know, some free nuts and a cocktail. So it was nice, but it was a lot. I should have said, I'll give you guys a nuts and a cock. Huh? Yes. Not bad.

Tale. That's right off the top of my head, folks. I'll take it. It's been five weeks. But, yeah, so I go to L.A. I do the comedy store. We had a great time. Boy, L.A. is fun to get in and out.

I miss L.A. I got to go to L.A. I'm like, I got to figure it out because I just missed the Hollywood, and the Hollywood nights. I went there for a day and a half to do a bunch of pods nobody watched or heard of. Ah, shit. Yeah, so I got to get back out there.

Now I'm going to Austin, too, which is also pressure now. Austin used to be fun. Now Austin is like, I got to do Kill Tony. I got to text Rogan. I'm like sitting under my covers shaking, being like, Joe, can I do the show, please? I know, I know. And Tony, you're like, ah, I'd like to do the show.

I'm sorry about last time. Can you have me, please? What happened last time? Would you make a Puerto Rico joke? Nah, that just wasn't great, I guess. I thought it was pretty good. Everyone else told me I was a piece of shit, homo, cuck, son of a bitch. That's just the nature of the show.

That's what they do over there. I forgot about Segura. So now, but like Austin used to be, let's go. By the way, you're watching the yogurt shop murders? Who, what, huh? Yoget shop murders. Y-S.M? No, I haven't seen it.

Oh, you've got to get your nose and tits and ass in there. I don't care for yogurt. It's a, well, yogurt's just kind of a side note. I see. Four girls executed. In the face, teenagers, and then they burned it down, unsolved. Whoa, where? Thirty-four years ago.

Austin, 1991. Whoa, yogurt shop! Crazy, and it's a four-part thing. It's HBO, so it's good. It's none of this Netflix hacked the same shit. Right, right. Netflix sucks. Yeah.

They milk it. It stinks. HBO is where to go for all the blow. So get yourself in there. It's something else. Yogurt shop. I need a new show, so I'll check. it out. Yo play. I mean, you feel bad, and we've brought this up before and talked about this.

It's like the most horrific thing in the history of things. Right. And then here we are being like, you got to watch it. It's fun. Yeah, the ladies love it. The ladies like, ah, I cut her head off. Yeah, you feel terrible, but like my wife and I are coming together like never before. We're like laying in bed, I'm fingering her. We're watching the girls get executed in the head. I've always said, like, we go, hey, that joke's a little over the line, but then, oh, the Michael Jackson docks out. He fuck's kids. How great it is. right let's put the popcorn on also michael jackson's just playing at our neighborhood playground all the time beat it beat it scuba i mean he jerked off on kids assholes i don't get it

r kelly plays in the public bathroom i'm like i'm peeing right now but i can't move i took a workout class it i'm dying that's good soar is good soar is good sorry uh yeah i did i did this I did this shit where I'd never done this before. Like the clean and jerk. Usually I do jerk and clean. But it was like, write that down. That must have been done at some point.

The jerk and clean is big. Surely somebody's, if you Google clean and jerk, jerk and clean. Count it, baby. I'm sure everyone that's ever done a clean and jerk has made a jerk and clean. I don't, I've never heard it, and I love it. All right, maybe I'll try it. I don't usually clean. But anyways, I just jerk.

You do this with the elbows? in, and you go, ha, ha, ha! Oh, yeah. Guy, yell, put your head up, you'd lock the elbows, suck my dick. Yeah. And I went with Karen.

She's all weightlifty, crazy. All pipes. Oh, she's all pipes, baby. See, she's been piped down. So I go, and I think it's, I've taken classes before. I thought it was going to be a headband. Sure.

And a gay lady being like, to the left, to the right, and goes, hey, is anyone taking, is anyone here for the first time? And you go, oh, me, I'm a homo. And they go, okay. Okay, well, we'll be nice to you. This is a class that's like a team. Like, they take the class every week, these people.

Yes. It's like I joined a team. And so then they pair us off. I'm with the teachers of big, strong, ripped gay man. Very nice. Oh, wait. Gay man. Gay man.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So, and then he splits us up by height. He goes shortest to tallest. Wow, that's body shaving. Well, the other thing is, I'm going with care. I'm like, you're my buddy. We're going to this thing.

I'm nervous. Right away, she's on that end. I'm on this end. So now I'm with these two people. Yeah, she's 4 foot 1 and you're 6'8. Exactly. So I go over, I have to meet a woman who's the biggest woman I've ever seen. Hot, too.

She's like 6'4, 215, blonde, like Nordic. Like a Viking. Yeah, I feel like she could really put a shoe in my ass and deadlift me. Or a dyking. That's not bad. Count it. Google that one, too. There's no jerk and clean, but put it down.

And there's another guy who's a gay man who looks like Jeff Ossmiss. Am I saying his name right, Osmiss? Asmus. Asmiss. Yeah, Asperger. I feel bad. He's a great comic, but I don't know how to say his goddamn name. A killer comic, but it's a wacky spelling back there.

I think it's German or gay. I don't know. Is it A-U-S-M-U-S-M-U-S-M-S. Or A-S-M-U-S. Is a U in there? Yeah, maybe a T? And he spells Jeff with a G. Ooh, that's no good.

He's got a cuckoo name. Yeah. Great comic. Anyways. He should go with some. like a, go with a black name, like, you know, pizza, a cornbread. Oh, cornbread. Something like that.

That's why black guys, they just throw out like a one word out there. Lil's big. Lil or earthquake. Maybe it could be tornado. Ooh, I like that. Hurricane, something. Well, anyways, so I'm with the gay Jeff Alsmiths and a big Nordic lady. Okay.

And I've never done that. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Sure. So they're going, who chop, whoa! It's just lifting it, and it's crazy. And then you're kind of like, can I just stare at this person's butt? Because we're partners.

I got to make sure she doesn't injure herself. Oh, yeah. And everybody's in the tight shorts and the business. It's really quite a, what do you call it, racket to just go to a workout class. I agree. You can just do it at home. But everybody's, everyone, you can go and watch with the sexy, stringy bras in the back and the shoulder. It's really hot, frankly.

So you should take a workout class. class. Chuck, you should take a few. Well, guys used to watch workout classes for pornography. I mean, it was just women with tits and short shorts doing this. And, you know, they bend over. Remember the, what was that, Suzanne Summers, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was big.

Summer of Love. But, yeah, there's a movie called Perfect with Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta. And they just work out together and blow each other. Well, I'm not to get in there because this was hot stuff, but. What is the clean? I get the jerk. I'm jerking. I think you clean it off.

What are you cleaning? You're not cleaning the weights. Well, the clean and jerk, I think, is that's when you pick it up off the ground to your shoulder. That's the clean. Clean. Jerk. Can you Google that? Why is it called clean?

Why is it called jerk? Well, jerk, and you're, I'm jerking it up. But it could be lift and push. Lift and push works, too. I don't know. But anyways, we were doing it, and it was embarrassing because I'm with this thin-looking, homosexual man and a woman

and every time it came to my chair we had to pull weight off I was like would you mind taking the weight off I don't really know how to do it and they're like if you don't want to hurt your back you've never done this before so then they would stack all the weights back on

I would just kind of sit there I feel like a real cuck piece of shit yeah yeah cuck and jerk hey folks we're back and we're happy to be back we're happy to have you and we're happy to have our new sponsor Chuching, Shopify, if your business plan is wing it and see what happens, you need Shopify.

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You need it. You need therapy. Boy, this thing really sticks out, huh? I keep whacking my head over here. Yeah, well, thank God you're wearing a helmet. Yeah, no, therapy's the best. I mean, our therapist is gone all of August. I miss them.

I'm crazy. I'm having panic attacks. I'm jerking off my own mouth. I need help. You got to have help, and you need a friend to catch that jizz. You don't have to shoot in your own face. I'm a dribbler. I can't reach the mouth.

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I got it. All right, so during the clean, the lifter moves the bus. barbell from the floor to a racked position across the deltoids. Right. Without resting fully on the clavicles. During the jerk, the lifter raises the barbell to a stationary position above the head, finishing with straight arms and legs. Yeah.

I just don't get why it's called clean. I think it's everything's wacky. Why is curling called curling? Yeah, all right. You're not curling anything. That's true. Same with the sport either. There's no curling there either.

That's what I'm talking about. Oh, I think about a bicep curl. Oh, that's like a curl. That kind of curls, yeah. But a curling, yeah, where's the curling? Yeah. But that's Canadian. They're all topsy-turvy.

But whatever. Is it Canadian or Scottish? I think it might be Scottish. Well, I was Canadian. Maybe I'm crazy. You might be right. Either way, it'd be a great Swiffer commercial. I always thought that.

I think Curling might be Scottish. You know, good. Look that up, too. I know they got golf. Golf and curling, I think. Oh, maybe. Maybe I'm gay. I might be totally wrong about this.

Maybe I'm thinking of golf. I thought it was Canada, honestly. Okay. Well, I imagine Canada is very good. at curling. They're big in the curl. They are Canadians. Yeah, Curly Sue. Scotland. Oh! Freedom! There you go. Well, so anyways, I do the thing, and I'm jerking and perkin, turkent. It's just embarrassing. I got to be like, would you mind taking more weight off? Can you take some other weight off?

And then we were doing these V-ups. So I can't move. My shoulders are hurting, my abs hurt, and my father's gay. I'm dying over here. Yeah, that is tough. But it It means you got in there. It means you work those muscles. Oh, I got in there, baby. And I was pushing 100 pounds right over my head, Jerry. There's a hue. Oh, pick a shoe.

I'd like to be able to get it out. But let me tell you about Salacuse real quick. Oh, I can't wait for this. Now, if you're on the Patreon, you may have already heard some of this stuff. We appreciate you. You got it ahead of time. But I got to tell it again because I got to hear your take on this. I can't wait.

What did that sloppy weirdo do now? Well, you brought this man into all of our lives. That's true. I feel proud of that. Yeah. Well, you brought everyone in. You brought in Chuck, you brought in Salacus, you brought in Jason Katz. I'm a connector.

Yeah, you're a connector, and these people won't leave me alone. Well, it's not a great group, but you're bringing in ticks, Jerry. They're all borrowed in me. I'm sorry. I can't ditch these people. Yeah, they don't. They put their hooks in. You can't leave them.

Who else did you bring in? Chris Allen, he's another one. Every fucking day. Hey, man, did you see a fucking Pearl Jam, too? I'm like, what? Get out of here. Well, the problem is, I think there's a thing in psychology called the, what is it called? Look this up, Chuck, where there's like a distant and a, and a, and a, a, a clinger and a distant, or something like that.

The personality types are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, and these two people connect, like relationships. It's always a distant person and a, uh, a clingy cunt. You're the clingy with Sarah. She's more does her own thing, I think. And I think it's a person. with me and the lady. What does she do on her own?

Well, she's like, she'll sit in a room and stare at the wall. I guess. I think she clings to me. Oh, really? I'm out gallivanting. I'm the traveler. He doesn't do shit without me.

What are you nuts? Well, give it a good. There's a term here. She says it all the time. She's like, I wouldn't do anything if it wasn't for you. Oh, really? I'm going to New England. What do you think that was her idea?

Well, but that's you bringing her. That's what I'm saying. Yes, she clings to me. She would sit in a room alone without you. Oh, that's clings? Yeah. I thought Kling was coming with. No, no, you're Kling. Kling on. But I'm not clinging. I'm a free spirit.

Yeah, you are. But you bring her. Right, because she's clung. Don't you see? But you need to bring. If she was clung, you would have to bring. She would just go. I see. Uh-huh. I don't know about this.

What's it called? Well, it's called attachment style. Attachment style. Attachment style. Okay, give me the proper, because I'm in the weeds over here. I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. layman's anal here. Well, there's a bunch of them.

It doesn't say anything about the ones that specifically attract each other, but, I mean, he's right about two of them. There's, like, one that's, like, more distant, one that's a clinger. I don't know. There's a bunch of them. Yeah, I think. I thought there was a specific term for each, but. Yeah, there is.

Yeah, there is. I could find him. Well, Salacus is as clingy as it gets. I'll tell you the story. You can't even, you can't even believe this. He's a Velcro cunt. But he's a fun guy. No question about it.

He's quite a hang. Oh, yeah. All right, let me get right to the store. You've figured that, I need some research. You work on the psychology. So I had my Cess show. Next one, August 27th, by the way. I got the best show in the goddamn city.

That's a number right there you got cooking. Come back, by the way. August 27th. Come to do a spot. I'd love to. There's a charm. So we had a hot show. Oh, you got something, Chuck?

Yeah, it says secure attachment is one. Anxious attachment. Uh-huh. Oh, that's my lady. Avoidant attachment. Avoidant. That's the word. Give me some avoidant attachment.

That's Mark. He doesn't want to tell anybody anything. I'm avoiding it. Highly independent from a young age. Experiences taught them the only people they can fully rely on are themselves. That kind of thing. I'm avoidant. So I need a clinger or else we wouldn't do anything.

Then there's fearful avoidant attachment. Uh-oh. And the last one is... We have to send these to me in a document. I've got to do some research. I'll come back. We can't sit here. Oh, my God.

Look at that. That was like a librarian. Hotty. I'm not against it. I'll read her book. Whatever it is, I'm against it. Anyways, so I got my SES show. Hot a show at town. By the way, I had Gary Veter, Isabel Hagan, and Todd Barry, just a high energy acrobat of a show. You got that right. Electric. Real Joker. Joke people. Yes. Plus I had Jason Lawhead and Luis Lopez, funny guy. So, uh, I booked the show. Salakuse goes, hey, what are you up to tonight? Kling. Yeah. I go, well, I got my show at Sesh.

He says, are you free tonight? So I thought he was going to ask me to go something. To the movies. Which is a good trick, by the way. You free tonight? That is good. Makes it sound like he has something. Yeah, it's like when they go, you're available on Thursday?

And I go, I am. They go, great, you got to do my show. Yeah. Or they go, yeah, can you help me move? And you're like, oh, wait a minute. So he goes, you free. So I thought he was going to ask me to go to a movie or a photography show or babysit, whatever. I go, no, I got my show at Sesh.

She's like, you got a photographer? Which, what do I just have a photographer? What am I an asshole? Right, right. About every comedy show didn't start booking a photographer, which is very strict. And a DJ, which is off-putting. I don't care for that. No, thank you.

I've met a DJ I like. I like DJ Hazard. Oh, yeah. Yeah, what about Seifah? Anyway, so Salakuse text me. I love Seifah. Who came up with, that was him. Oh, now I don't like him.

Yeah, well. I hate the air horn. He's a fun guy. Look at these shorts. These are insane. This is going to get us kicked off YouTube. Yeah, that's an only fan. So, um, anyways, so, are you free tonight?

I go, I got my show at Sesh. You got a photographer? Clay, he sinks the claws into me. He uses a camera, Jerry. That's the way to end. Those talons, those cannons. So he gets my talons in. I go, uh, all right, yeah, come, come shoot it.

He's always a great hang. I love seeing him. And I'd like some photographs. Sure. So I go, sure. He goes, want to have dinner before? Oh, there we go. Now I've got to have dinner with the fucking guy.

Yeah, you do. And I go, no, I don't want to have dinner. Salis is great because you can just shoot them straight. I go, I don't like you. I can't eat in front of your face. Yes, yes. You're off-putting your piece of shit. He's un-uh-he's, what do you call it?

You're rubber-ro-glu. Well, he's unkempt. He's uncut. What do you call that, would you? Oh, nothing gets him. Yeah, he's un-zignable. Like, he doesn't absorb. What would it take to hurt this man's feelings?

I don't know. Maybe say, don't your photos suck. Don't take my picture? No, because we say his video sucks all the time. Yeah, that's true. Maybe he is hurting him, but he's just at home crying with a knife to his neck. Well, he does laugh. I made this up.

He laughs like he stepped on attack. He goes, oh! He does. He goes, up. He'll get one of those every now, then, too. But anyways, he's the best. We love him. So he goes, you want to have dinner?

I go, no, I don't want to have dinner. I don't have time. I'm stressed. I got a baby. I'm exhausted. I don't like you. Don't ever call me again. Woo, that's a mouthful.

45 minutes later. Pick up my phone. Hey, I'm downstairs at Chapoile. He goes, I'm out here at Chipotle. You want to get a burrito? I go, what are you out of your mind? If I was a female, I would have to report him to the police. Of course.

This is aggressive. I go, no, no, I don't. What are you talking about? He goes, I thought we'd ride bikes together. I go, oh, okay, yeah. Take a hit, Sally. All right, yeah, we'll ride bikes. Okay, sure.

What the hell? He goes, okay, I'm downstairs. Wow. He's in my lobby, this guy. Oh, my Lord. You've got to tell the doorman. Get rid of a... I'm like, all right, all right.

So I walked downstairs with my helmet because I got a helmet because now you have a baby. You can't... You don't want to smack your head and be like a waterhead retarded lady. Sure. And have a child because you didn't want to look like a dork. Yeah, now you're regarding Henry. You know what I mean? I don't want to go...

I'm in a wheelchair with a tube. Yeah. He's going, sorry, son. I can't play catch because I didn't want to look like a dork. Now he's raising you. Exactly. So I bought a stupid helmet off of Amazon. I don't think it would work, but it's sad.

I wear it. Not a bad. It's a pretty cool helmet. The hard thing is my jaw line is not good for a strap. Ah, yeah, slips right off and no chin. It's on my nose. Right. So anyway, so we ride bikes.

Like a horse. Bite it. So I tell him, you know, you should get a helmet. You got a child. He goes, oh, don't worry about it. I don't ride on anything. And this guy literally goes through red lights. He's weaving in out traffic.

Oh, yeah. He's ringing his bell at every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Uh-huh. He's got to get killed. That's true. So we ride over, great adventure. It's beautiful. It's wonderful under the bridge.

We fucking go this way. Zips up, boom, bang. It's a hell of a city. Oh, it's wonderful. So we do the show. The show is fucking awesome. Everybody kills. Nice.

Just a great night. It's all on YouTube. I do all riffing, crowd work, shit. It's all up my YouTube. That's the move. That's the new world order, baby. Good for you. Absolutely. Get on that YouTube. I'm doing big things. Or punch it. I put it on punchup a few days early.

Oh, smart. Yeah. Colbert's out. You're in. I'm in. You're in. Feses. Yes. Art Kelly. So the show ends. It's fucking great. It's killer. We have pizza. We laugh. It's a beautiful hang. And I go, all right. Rapping it up. Salekius goes, let's ride bikes back. Okay. Why not? Well, it's 11 o'clock. Oh, that's 11 for you.

Yeah. I go to bed at 10 o'clock. I go, it's 11, we've got a bike, it's nighttime now, we're in the Lower East Chinatown, it's a little gnarly down there. So I go, no, I don't think so. He goes, what are you talking about? Come on, 14 minutes, what are you crazy? And I go, I don't know, he goes, there's three bikes right up here. We'll go get a couple bikes.

I'm like, uh, a couple electrics. Electric bikes. So I go, all right, against my better judgment, because he's such a great hang, he pulls you in. Yeah, he's fun. You don't want to leave him. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He's a fun guy. Well, he's laughing.

He asks quick, this is what's nice about Salacus. He goes, say more. Tell me more. No one in my life ever says say more. Right, right. I say less. My wife, I go, boy, I'm really thinking about killing myself. She goes, huh.

Yeah. Salacuse, I go, man, I love the moon. What do you love about it? Tell me more. Yeah, yeah, he's good. He really is. He listens. I go, all right, well, I guess I'll bike.

It'll be fun. Fuck it. So I put my helmet on. He's got no helmet, no hair. No, nothing. We go down. There's no bikes where he said there was bikes. So now he goes, oh, don't worry.

There's more bikes four blocks down. And now I'm looking around. And now we're over by the Manhattan Bridge, Chinatown, Lower East. It's 11 o'clock at night. I go, four blocks, huh? And you look and you just see like a pair of green eyes. Yeah, the zombies are out. Yes.

And you see a guy with no shirt and a diaper. Yeah. Scurries away. Crackhead going this way. Yeah. It's just. nuts. And I'm like, actually, I don't know. Maybe we should just get a car because I'll be home in 10 minutes. And he goes, what are you crazy? Come on. And I go, yeah, all right, whatever. He goes,

I got Mace, whatever he's got, fucking pepper spray. He's like Batman. He's got a utility belt with all kinds of weapons. Well, this is what I hate about, and I've talked about this many times. These folks that just act blaze about neighborhoods and crime and stuff, but then they always have a fucking gun on. Oh, interesting. It's the Rogan effect. Ah, shut up, Austin's great. Well, you're in a fucking armored car with seven Marines. I've had this exact dialogue with Rogan. He's like, what, this neighborhood? What are you crazy? I'm like, you literally

have a truck following you with armed guards. Yes. And for some reason, you hired 14 Navy SEALs. Exactly. To work at the club. And you're acting like, what are you nuts? It's fine. Yeah, you got SEAL Team 6 in the lobby. And you're a black belt that weighs 280 pounds despite being

4.4. And you've got a Chinese. Yes, exactly. So I'm like, well, certainly you see. Yeah, the guy's carrying dump checks. So anyways, so I go, okay, we don't get a nut check eight feet from the club and a guy starts running across. I swear to God, he's got like shirtless, torn shorts

and, you know, just a crackhead. Sure. And he comes running at us, like a critter. And I go, ah, zoinks! And I go, you know what, I forgot something? He goes, don't worry, I got the pepper spray. He's locked and loaded with pepper spray. Just because you have the weapon, never even want to use it.

That's what people have said to me to. They go, you took MMA. I'm like, yeah, I fucking wrestle with my buddy to treat anxiety. I don't want to fucking have a triangle on a fucking. No, now you got hobo goo on you. Hobo goo title. So he takes it out. And luckily, now, like most homeless people, he's just looking for food.

So he's scurrying around looking for food. Then you feel bad for him. You're like, oh, Jesus, I'm a piece of shit. But we walk past. So now that guy's behind us. And he's desperate. Yes. I'm not, you know, he's probably just looking, but maybe he pretended to look so we can take our wallets.

Nothing to lose. My wallet's gone. The tearing sound. So we go, okay, well, that's averted. Yes. Then we have a different kind of, because kooks come in all shapes and sizes and colors, as you know. That's true. That was the shirtless, squirly-haired black kook with the fleas.

Now we got a new kook. this is the ripped white guy, no shirt, cargo shorts, backpack. I know this guy well. With like the... Yes, yeah, he's always hopped up on crank. He's angry. He's drooling. So now he's coming.

I go, get it out, get it out, get the mason. He's like, Matt's fumbling with a camera in one hand and a mason in the other hand and a fake mustache in the third hand. And I go, get it, get it, get it. The guy's coming right now. He splits us. He's like this. Oh, God.

And I go, fucking. Soyx, what the Christ was that? That's the scariest guy I ever saw. Yeah, but he kept going. He kept going, but he had pouches and bags with who knows what and where. I think I know this exact guy. So he walks by, I go, oh, my God, that's two. We're only 50 yards from the club.

Right. Then we see a car totally stripped. No tires. Oh, boy. No wheels, no tires, flat. What are you in GTA? Where are you? Well, Salky goes, oh, my God.

I haven't seen that since the eighth grade. Yeah. Spray painted. Whoa. Literally spray painted, on the floor, totally stripped. Wow. And I go, I fucking hate you. This is awful.

I live in the cushiest, nicest neighborhood. It's an eight-minute car ride. Oh, yeah. We're walking through this thing, and the sewers have the steam coming out. Finally, we get, there's a third kook that walks by. Jesus Christ, you open a portal. Three kooks and a broken down car. We get to the bike thing, and it's not working.

You're going to scan it. I'm like, looking right, because you feel vulnerable now because you've got the QR code. You're trying to do this. Head on a swivel. Finally, we get, sorry, this is a long story. Finally, we get the bikes right across town. He's whipping through red lights everywhere. He doesn't give a shit.

And then there's still, you're still vulnerable on a bike because the cooks are the only ones out. They can just push you off the bike. Oh, yeah. So we get to the west side highway. He goes, all right, I'm splitting off. I'm going up town. I go, okay, great. Is he going to ride all the way to Hell's Kitchen?

He's a, uh... He's riding to Hell's Kitchen. Wow, that's a long ride for a fat old man. Oh, he goes, I'm going to switch to an e-bike. Oh, he had a regular. We had regular. That was all that was available. I'll tell you, when you ride e-bike all day, then you get on a ride, you feel like the big brother in Goonies.

You're like, oh, you know, on that girl's bike? Josh Brolin. Thank you. So, I rode an e-bike here. It was awesome. So anyways, he goes uptown. I go downtown. Now it's like 11.30.

We get through it. I go, that was nuts. You did it. Good for you. Get to my apartment. Uh-oh. Now, this is late at night. Baby wakes up at 6 o'clock.

Oh, boy. There's one slot open. bike, it's all in little slots and you've got to return them. I know, and sometimes it's full, and you want to kill yourself. I get there, one slot, and the guy was just pulling the bike out, and I go, boy, you just saved my ass. Yes. I put it in.

It gives you a little green light when it works. Very satisfying. This one goes, oh, here we go. And I go, all right, well, no big deal. So I fucking cram it in there. Yes. Smush it in. Yeah. I go, all right, all right, let's not, Lou. You know, I meditate. Let's not lose our cool here.

Try to lift the seat. It says to lift the seat. That's big. So you lift the seat. Ah. You're a long hole. All right, no big deal. I'm downstairs in my house.

This is the worst part. My bed with my wife, when my children come and play with the toys. Right there. Yes, yes. And it's late at night. Best night in my life. I try to squinch it, wrench it, cook it, crack it, smack it. The city knows how to fuck you right the ass.

I go, you got to be fucking kidding me. So then, you know, in life, when you accept something's going to get a little worse, but you have no idea how bad it's actually going to get? Oh, boy. I go, all right, you know what? No big deal. There's one over there. I'll ride over there, and it'll be like an eight-minute walk back to my house.

Not ideal, but whatever. I ride over there. Only one slot left here. Oh, boy. So I squish it, wrench it, crack it, smook it, smack it. That doesn't work. I text Salikus. Hey, what the fuck happened?

What do you do when the thing doesn't work? I'm still not home. He doesn't respond because he's riding his bike. Right. So I go, all right. Fuck it. There's another one five minutes this way. I'll ride to that one.

Here we go. So now I'm a 15-minute walk from my house. I'm riding. In the pocket, I feel. I pull over. I answer it. It's Salekuse. Hey, what's going on?

The thing you got going on is, first thing he says, by the way, I couldn't find an e-bike, so I'm riding a regular bike. I don't give a fuck. Okay, yeah. First thing you're going to do that. If the lip dick is the thing,

he tells me to lift that. You've got to lift the thing. Lift the back tire is what I do. Now I go, no, this is the front flap. He's like if it's like a limp dick. Oh, he's got a little dick and you've got to put it in. So I go, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, there's a limp dick. So I ride all the way back to my original one.

Okay. I'm going home. The limp dick doesn't work. I've been there. So he goes, here's the number. You got a call. So I call. Hello, how I may help you?

I don't know. Oh, you called IT? I call IT. I go, hey, what the fuck? I got a bike. And I'm losing my mind now. I got low tea. I go, what the fuck?

For Christ, all my mind. Mighty. Just turn the bike off. Stop charging me. My sister's ass. Oh, don't that's a bit of... I go, motherfucker. So, I just hang up. I'm furious. I ride all... Salukes has texted me. There's 22 spaces at this... Oh, he's good with the digital, whatever.

So I ride all the way back to that one. I'm smushing it, smacking it, wrenching it, it's not working. I'm screaming at Salikus. I go, you dirty, fucking guinea piece of shit. Fuck me. I'm going to get killed out here. I'm never going to go to bed. You got a babysit my kid. You fucking foul-mouth piece of shit. Eat my cum. You hear that? You could have been home in bed, jerking off.

Oh, I was furious. Finally, bloop, it accepts it. I'm on the phone with IT. Just randomly it takes it. And the guy's like, oh, sounds like it went in. Looks like you're all clear. And I go, yeah, but I got to get the money back now because I just had 30 minutes. So he's like, let me put you on hold.

So now I walk all the way back. It's a beautiful night, but I can't even enjoy it because I'm on stupid hold. Trying to get my nine bucks back. Right. Was that much? Something like that. I mean, this was like four. 40 minutes, by the way. I shorten it, if you can believe it. So I went to bed at like 12, 15.

The baby wakes up at 5 o'clock. I had to suck my own dick in front of them. God. I'm exhausted. I still haven't recovered. That is hell on earth. Anyways, it's all Salacuse's fault. Ah, you hear that? You fucking Wap, Diego? Too long of a story. I'm sorry. No, I was riveted. I was on the edge of my seat, but I'm glad you got it in. You got it go in. But this city, this city, Jerry, will fuck you right in the pooper.

But you've had that, right? I've had a million times. Long ride, and there's no fucking place to put it. The worst is I had the, and I go, all right, going on my way, and I get a text like an hour and a half later, like, your bike is not docked properly. You've been charged this whole time. You must go back, and I'm like, what the hell? Then you go back, the bike is gone, so now someone stole it.

So they tried to charge me for the bike, so I had to call and fight with them. It was a whole thing. Yeah, no, it's a pain in the ass. Then you're like, I want to buy my own bike, but then I got no storage. Yeah, and then it is nice to dock it and just move on with your life. The e-bike or the city bike is very convenient. it works. But when it doesn't, it's a fucking jizz dick. Yeah, I wrote it here. It's a lot of fun over the Brooklyn Bridge.

Never wrote over the bridge before. It was fun. It's a beautiful, beautiful night. Well, that back hill, when you're going downhill, you're just zipping. Oh, nothing better. People do it every day. That's like their thing in New York. They're like, I do the Brooklyn Bridge. It wakes me up. It's fun. Yeah, it's pretty nice. You get a little extra cardio. It's nice.

Yeah, that's a hell of a view. You really feel like I'm in the city. I'm in New York. All right. Hit me with something. I'm sorry. I hugged. I got a weird one because I got a saga here, but how much time do we have? Saga Genesis. All right, I can do it.

Give me a saga, give me a shorthy, whatever you want. I want to get this out, because I want to get to Australia for the next step. We'll do it to be continued if we have to. All right, first of all, I saw I guess what I saw at the airport? The guy from Perfect Strangers. Balky? The other guy. The white guy. Yeah, what's that guy's

name? Larry. Larry. He didn't look great. I'll say that. Well, we haven't seen him in 40 years. Perfect strangers It's like 88, for God's sakes. That's true. Yeah. I guess he looked exactly how he should look, but you go, oh, there's that guy. And then you go, ooh, and then you move on. But fun to see him in the lounge.

So, doing the melody tent. Cape Cod. Yes. I hope for Dan Cook there, July 1st, 2004. Not a bad room. I'm sure. I mean, I did it 21 years ago, so I don't really know. You know, you hear tent, you go, ah, what are we doing with our lives?

I was a Cub Scout. I've been fucked in a tent before. But whatever. You go, ah, tent, how great can it be? But it's the 4th of July. It's Cape Cod. By the way, Cape Cod on the 4th of July, it's right out of a Norman Rockwell. It's kids getting ice cream.

It's ding, ding, ding, dee, kids on bikes, the beach, American flags, apple pie. Put it right in my ass. Well, New England sounds like you were tentative. Anyways, New England is the greatest. That's why I spent the whole month there. New England in the summer, you cannot beat it. You just can't beat it. It's lunch, Jerry.

So we had a great time. But getting there, you know with the Rug Rat, the whole travel, it's all a thing. So two days before, it's a big trip. We're going to the Grandma's house. We're doing the Melody tent. We're going to the beach. We need all the goodies. So we go to JFK.

But the night before, I go, hey, I got my flight. You got your boarding pass. She goes, I'm having some trouble. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, I can't find my flight. It's not in my email. I'm going through looking like JetBlue and the search. nothing. And I'm like, did you buy your flight? She's like, I bought it. And then I go, wait,

wasn't I supposed to buy your flight? And she goes, oh, were you? So now I'm like, I fucked up. So I text my manager. I go, buy her a flight for Cape Cod tomorrow, get her all the same as me. I fucked up. I never bought the flight. So we were all over the road. He's like, I got one. It was $8 million, but I got one on your flight. You're good. You're not sitting together, but I got her a flight. I go, great. We go to JFK with the baby in an Uber, stroller, the whole thing. I know where this is going already. Oh, geez.

So we got the big baby bag. We got our carry-ons. We get there. The traffic was crazy. I'm like, we're going to make it, but we're going to be, it's going to be tight. We got about 15 minutes to get through security, check a bag, and get on that fucking plane. She goes, great.

We show up, and I go, let's just check the bag. So we check the bag immediately. Get that over with. Then I pull up my boarding pass. And I go, where's yours? She goes, I can't find it. I go, we'll just go to the gate. We'll go.

Go to the desk lady. We'll get that puppy because I bought you one yesterday. I don't tell her that. But I go, I bought you one, and you probably bought one. And she goes, great. We go to the desk, and it's getting tense. You know, the clock's ticking. We got like 11 minutes to get through security.

The line's crazy. But we're going to make it. Because you still get 20-minute window of boarding. Sure. It takes a while to board every passenger or whatever. So we're at the front of the desk. I'm holding the baby. The baby's crying.

She's yelling at the lady. the lady's like, huh, somehow you book two tickets. I knew it. And it cancel each other out or something like that. And I go, well, well, we'll just cancel one. We'll just take the other one. She goes, it doesn't work like that. You fucked yourself.

And she goes, well, how do we buy two? And then I go, I bought you one. She goes, well, I bought one. I go, ah, what the hell? So now the baby shits on my hand. It just, I'm holding the baby like this in the arm, and it just shits through the diaper. It just goes everywhere. So she's flipping out yelling at the lady.

The lady's yelling back at us. And she goes, well, what do you want me to do? And I go, we already checked the bag. Our bag is going to Cape Khan. And she's like, oh, well, can you get the bag back? She's like, the bag's gone. So we go, well, we got to get there. So now we have to call her mom, go get the bag.

Oh. And we were going to fly right into hyanus. Right. But that's out. We missed that flight. So I go, can we get to Logan? And she goes, I'll get you to Logan. And I go, tomorrow, I got a baby.

All the baby shit is in the bag. The diapers, the thermometer, the pacifier, the butt plug, whatever it is. It's gone. You're checking all the baby stuff? All the baby stuff, because we wanted to have it all in Cape Cod. But you're supposed to have that in your baby bag? Well, we figured it's a 10-second flight. We're going right to grandmas.

We'll be right as rain. All right. So that's gone. Might want to hold on to that in the future. That's true. I didn't think this would happen So we're all fucked up So the lady's like

May is like going at it with the lady Like going full care And I'm like hey we need this lady Shut up take it easy I'm covered in shit Let's get through this So we work it out We find a Logan flight in like four hours

So I go We'll figure it out We'll go get a meal We'll change the diaper I'm in the bathroom Just covered in horse shit I change I wipe down I clean

We get a ticket we get through security we get on the flight okay we're in the back baby's freaking out usually it's nap time no time for a nap

he's up he's at him he's you know we're just sitting there two seats holding a baby so like he can't really lay down he's like trying to lay him across me to try to let him sleep no dice she holds him screaming screaming I'm getting the looks

I've always been the looker right now I'm the lookie I'm getting this one Like a teenage girl gave me the death stare And I'm like, what do you want me to do? He's screaming. I'm trying, I'm trying. Finally, I just picked the fucker up. I put him over my shoulder and he falls asleep.

Okay. Thank God. It's amazing what your attentions are high. You're just trying everything. Like put him in the overhead, I put him on the floor, I stepped on him, nothing. Finally over the shoulder got him to pass out. Now we're doing the tarmac. Tarmac for an hour.

Tarmac for an hour and a half. just sitting on that runway and he's sleeping. And I'm like, if we just go, we'll make it. Right. But now it's an hour and a half, two hours. Delayed, delayed. Finally, the plane takes off. He wakes up. He wakes up.

I'm walking him up and down the aisle. The whole thing. We land at Logan. Now, she lives on Cape Cod and sandwich. Right. So it's a good hour and change drive. And legendary traffic from Boston to the Cape. That's why we never went.

So we get an Uber. We got in the Uber. Uber. It's a nice lady. No one could pick us up. They're like, yeah, yeah, we're all at the beach. We're living life. You know, you fucked up.

We're supposed to get you from hyannis. Right. So, we get in an Uber. Torrential downpour. Just right there. We pull out of the fucking airport. So the lady is like an older lady. And she's like, we're going to go real slow.

We're going to take it easy. And I'm like, come on, sister. Just get to like 30 miles an hour. We're going 10, 11. So. This is horrible. It's like a fucking West Craven movie. We're in an Uber with a horrible rain, just like crazy monsoon bullshit rain.

The baby's freaking out. The baby's crying. So now we're in the crying car with the baby and the monsoon going 10 miles an hour on an hour and a half drive. It took us about four hours. We finally get there. I fall asleep. I cry. The baby's crying.

We fucked. It was a whole thing. Finally get there. We get to the house. nine-hour travel day when you divvy it all up. From New York to Boston. New York to Cape Cod.

If you're driven, it would have been four hours. I know. I know. You could have taken an Amtrak. You could have taken a bus, for God's sakes. Never again. I'm renting a car and I'm driving straight to that house. I'm telling you, well, you got to buy a car.

Buy a fucking Hyundai. CRV, whatever the fuck it is, some bullshit. Some piece of shit. Yeah, POS, because that was hell. I mean, we could have gone to Hawaii, basically. Yeah, that's horrible. That's one of those Hawaiian joints. But so we finally get there, it's like 11 at night or whatever the fuck it is, and everybody hates us.

They're like, what's been? You know, they're all like tan from the beach and they're kicking sand up their shoe. They're eating dinner. They're having a great time, drinking. We're like, you know when you get there and you want to just kvetch and they're like, oh, shut up. We don't care. We're watching TV now. But once you get there and you finally crack a cocktail or whatever, that feels good.

I definitely did that. put the baby down, I put a sock in his mouth, I kicked it out the window, and I just, yeah, I had a nice libation and watched a murder mystery, but who was that hell? Never, something about, it's like the Bermuda Triangle that Cape Cod. Well, that's why people from the South Shore, we never went, first of all, it was expensive and crowded, but the traffic, we never went there. We always went north, which was traffic there, too, but you're like, get me up to Maine, for God's sake, to Hampshire. Yes. Because the Cape is crowded. and Kunti, and it's too cuckoo.

It's only one way down there. That's true. It's one way down right to hell. And I got to say, though, once we were there, that is a magical play. I was like, you grew up like this? I'm talking kids with a little flag. We went to a gay Fourth of July parade with, you know, choo-choo, the police car goes down, the bicycles.

The little kid thing. The kid thing, and there's a little choo-choo and old trucks going by. And it's, it's, we go to the. the general store and get some penny candy or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, it's the best. It's the best. And we went and watched fireworks in one of the Yarmish or whatever the fuck. Dennis, Yarmouth.

And it's just kids playing bonfire, fireworks, ocean. I was like, this is unbelievable. I grew up in hell in New Orleans. We didn't have any of this. We had hookers and drag queens and black kids stealing my bike. We didn't have any of this shit. And it's sparklers. And kids are I'm like, you guys got it made.

What a country. And then they had little sweaters wrapped around and stuff and the salmon shorts and the pants. Yeah, the lofers. Drinking a high noon. It's fucking money out there. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's money.

All right. Yeah, it ain't cheap. But I was like, this is incredible. She's like, yeah, the cape in the summer is like the best thing ever because I'd only see it in winter because you go for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all this shit. Yeah, if you can get there, once you're there, once you're there, it's one of those deals, once you're in there.

I mean, not unlike New York City. Getting here is a fucking. come in the face That's true Once you get the cum cleaned off It's come in the ass Yeah Both fun

Yeah So yeah We had a great time In the Melody Tent We did not sell it out So that was awkward Because you're in the round And you gotta rotate

And you're just like Yeah you got that right And all of a sudden You're talking to 17 empty blue seats And then you keep rotating And you're like Oh some people again So we had a great

The crowd was amazing Everybody killed it Through the lady on Local gal Crushed it Great time, and it was all worth it, but God damn, is it a bitch to get out there? So when was the show? The next night, or was a couple nights later?

Well, I think the show was on a Saturday. We got there on like a Thursday. Okay, so you have some time to adjust and enjoy yourself. Also, the other thing about the Cape Cod Melley Tent, that's not an easy sell. It's not a market. You got that right, Ferry. And people from the city, we had this with the reg. We tried to do the regs at Cape Cod Mellie Tent, and I'm like, our people aren't Cape Cod people.

Right. Our people are working retards. Like people that don't read books. Cape Cod is like... Upper crust. Yeah, it's upper crust, upper class. Our people are in, you know, Braintree and they go up to Old Orchid Beach.

They don't go to the Cape. Too much traffic, too much money, too much crowd. The same reason my family didn't go there ever. Also, they fuck you with these prices because the tickets are like 60 bucks, 50 bucks, which is great. But everybody goes, I show up to the grandma's house, and my brother-in-law goes, How about these prices, huh?

It was like $900 a ticket. I go, what is this? He goes, these scalpers, they fuck you. So everybody goes to buy a ticket, they go, 900 bucks? What is this? Taylor Swift? What am I doing here? So they say, fuck you. Oh, they go to the wrong site.

I know. You got to make an announcement. Don't go to these sites. I had to do that eventually, but it was too late. I had a guy do that to be treated that. I mean, he's like, you piece of shit. What do you think? You're worth $300 bucks at the Omaha Funnybone?

I was like, 300 bucks at the Omaha Funny Bone. You could fucking give them a compliment to let you in. What are you nuts? I know. And I was like, you're on the wrong website, you jackass. Yeah. Tickets are 1650. People, they Google it.

They go, Melody Tent, Norman, Gay. And my face pops up and they go, $500. What? They got to go right to the tent or go to Punch Up on my site. If it's from Ticketmaster, all the resales are mixed in. Exactly. They're all the same. So it's not even the wrong website.

It's just Ticketmaster also does it now. And they love it because they get a kickback from all those crazy surcharges and anal quiff, bitch, bitch. I can't move. Well, everything's expected. I'm taking the train. I'm taking Marty on the train just to go to a socks game and go golf a couple days, give my wife, let her cling at home. Sure, cling on. And 400 bucks, Amtrak.

$400. That's crazy. A train should be fucking 60 bucks, max. Well, everybody's scared to fly because of these female pilots and all this nonsense and the upside downs and the fistfights and all that. So they want to get on that fucking Auschwitz, Choo. I guess so. $400, I'm spending. to go to Boston for a day and a half.

That's crazy. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen in my life. Well, why don't you drive? You got the Hyundai Allentra? Well, it's a Nissan Central. I'll have you now. I see. Say Asian.

But Sarah's not coming. So driving with him is a... He hates the car. You need someone back there to throw gum in his face. Oh. You got to stop. And I can't even see him because my car's not set up with the mirror and the thing.

You can't throw him in the shotgun or the glove box? What is this? Ninete a year. Put him in the gun. They're not to sit in the front seat until they're like 14, though. Oh, geez. Yeah, it's crazy out here. I had them in the trunk last week.

But, yeah, so yeah, thanks for coming out to the tent. We had a great time. Yeah, that's a hell of a tent. I mean, we haven't even scratched my ass on. I got more scratching to do it, too, Fannie. We got a lot of stuff coming up. When does this come out? Three days, right?

I cannot move. Oh, God. My shorts are riding up my ass. I can't sit up. Yeah, my father's gay, but, yeah, where are you going to be? Oh, speaking of Omaha. I'm coming to Omaha. That's just one of those markets. Somewhere in middle of America.

That's a market. I have not tapped just yet. Really? Well, middle of the country, what do you call that? The flyover? No, no, no. The planes. Great planes. Plains trains and automobile.

Right? So it's not the Midwest. Nebraska's not the Midwest. Maybe it is the Midwest. I think it is. I think a Midwest is Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, but I guess Nebraska can be that. I would say that's more mid.

To be honest. Well, nothing's, you know. Yeah, the Middle East. Literal. Sure. No, Nebraska's not the Midwest, is it? I think they call it the Midwest. It's so far, I guess.

It is in the middle of the West. I guess. The Midwest is really the Mideast when you think about it because Ohio is kind of over here. Yeah, that was an old joke I used to do. I'd rather be in the Middle East than the Midwest. Uh-huh. That was a boy. Better in the middle seat.

Nebraska Midwest. Yeah, it looks like Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, North, Dakota, Nebraska, and South Dakota. Damn. No one calls the South Dakota, North Dakota, the Midwest. That's the bad lands. Talk to Google. Well, anyways, I will be in the Midwest, in Omaha,

August 22, 23rd. We're only doing three shows. So come on out. Take a ride down if you're from one of those other places. September 5th to the 7th mothership, Austin, come out to that. That's going to sell out. So if you're a fan, get the tickets now, because it'll

sell out just from the nature of people going there. move. And then the following week, September 11th to the 13th, I'll be the Denver Comedy Works. I'm doing mothership and Comedy Works back to back. Wow. I'm going to be riding high with confidence. Killing. You're going to be crushing Jerry. After those two weekends.

And then I got a bunch of shit in October. I can't remember what it is. But punch up. I'm putting all that shit on Punch up. My YouTube is fucking rocking and rolling. I got some other dates too. God damn it. I can't think of them. Yeah, go to that YouTube. You are putting out the content. King of content. Oh, I'm contenting, baby.

So yeah, go check it out. The Patreon's ripping and rocking. My father's gay. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I got so many spots tonight. Anyways, what do you got? We did some solo apps on that Patreon, and I haven't checked the reviews, but I had fun doing them.

Oh, shit. Never mind. People hated them? No, it was like a half and half, I think. Oh, geez. That's what I put in my coffee. Calgary, coming to Calgary with Adam Ray. We're doing a whole Dr. Phil thing, and it's going to be fun, the Great Outdoors Fest.

Las Vegas at the Palazzo. That's selling pretty good. You know me. I'm at Addison for nine shows. Dayton, Ohio, Akron, Ohio. Ottawa, Halifax, never been there. Pretty excited. Hattiesburg and Huntsville, Alabama, Boulder, Colorado.

We added a show. Come on out. Speaking of Colorado. And, yeah, all kinds of San Diego, D.C., all kinds of fun stuff. And Baltimore, going back to Magoobie. Seinfeld's there at the casino, the same night. I'm going to hit them up. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Old genocide, Jerry. So we'll see what happens. Put it right in my ass. And we'll see you all at hell. Don't forget chuckles. Oh, gee, sorry. Chuck is here.

It's been five weeks. I don't know how to pod anymore. Check out my podcast. Funbearable. We're talking about all the big summer movies. And we're coming up with our own plots and concepts. They're very stupid and very fun. Check it out, funbearablepod.com or at FunbearablePod.

I've seen a bunch of movies. Me too. Have you seen this Australian horror film? No, what is it? Dangerous animals? No, I want to see that. I want to see it. That's a hell of a picture.

That is a beautiful film. Oh, that's a good review. You got to go see that. I will. You see 28 weeks later? I haven't yet. I saw F1. That's pretty fun.

F you. I mean, I was also, I had been in a car for a month. Well, I'll talk about this on a later up, but I was in the car for a month with the baby. He went home. Sam, the baby went home. So I was like, I'm going to the movie. I sat and watched F1.

It was like watching Citizen Kane. I was like, ooh, I had popcorn, Eminem, a bag of dicks. And then I went the next morning and saw Eddington. Eddington. What the hell's that? That's Ariaster's new picture. Western. Yeah.

It's a Western? Well, it's like a modern-y Western. It's a COVID movie. It's the first kind of COVID movie. Wait, wait. Is he the guy who did Mids Omar? Yeah. And Hereditary and Bow is afraid.

He's kooky. It's kooky. I need to watch. again to really get my teeth in there. He's wacky. But it was fun. Go to the movies when you've been on the road with the child for a month. Forget it. I never want the movie to end. I'm like, it's so safe in here.

Yeah, it was wonderful. Anyways, we'll see you next week. Thanks for being here. Sorry about the canned episodes. Yeah, we're back in the place. No one wants to be themselves. Up in the heavens when legends cry. Homelessly watching the

music die. Please believe