Tuesdays with Stories! - #618 Lesbaru

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Hey, nanny-nani. Here we are. We're back. We're here. We're queer. We're podding, baby. Stop texting me.

Too many texts coming in. Go silent. You've got to go silent. Maybe I'll go silent treatment. Do not disturb. Yeah, yeah. Why would you leave that on? Let's go here.

What do you do? I go, do not disturb. Look at the little moon. Oh, is that what that means? Yeah, the moon. It means I'm sleeping. Do not disturb. Oh, it's like the thing on the hotel door.

Yeah. Those things, none of them says do not disturb anymore. It's all, I'm tied up. Oh, yeah, that's true. We're having kitten time, private time, I'm sleeping. Me time. Now it's like, if you're a hotel that has a do not disturb, you're like a hack asshole. Now it's got to be like...

It's going to be cute and clever. I'm winking, but not stinking, so stay out of my asshole, whatever it is. That's a good asshole slogan. It's winking, but not stinking. That's pretty good. You know, a horse winks its vagina when it's horny. Is that right? That's what my horse told me.

Horoscope. Hey. Four floors of horses. I got this thing going on now. Marty, he loves to ride on my back. He says, horse, horse, horse. And it's adorable, but now I'm running around, and then he doesn't hold on. So I got him like this.

I'm just spreading his asshole apart. Yeah. Because I'm holding it like this with two hands behind my back. Sure, I did that in my fraternity. But you're like, were you in a frat? Well, I got kicked out. That's fair. Did you have to eat cum?

No, I was hoping. Never happened. That's why I quit. Because Apollo tells the story they had to have come on a cracker and crawl in their hands and knees with the cracker balanced on their back. If it fell, they had to eat the cracker. The hooky cookie. Similar. I mean, hooky cookies is a little different than that.

What's that one? Hooky cookies, we all jerk on. We get around a cookie. We all jerk off. The last one to come has to eat the cookie. Whoa. Which I would eat the cookie every time because I can't come with my wife. Oh, you'd be eating my jizz because that'd be the first.

first one on that saltine. Well, it's because you're gay. I can't come near a man or a woman. Oh, man. I'll put my writs in your ass. But anyway, this is the problem with being an old dad. You have a kid when you're 20, he wants to horsey. You go, yeah, hop in my back.

I'll ride her. I'm 48 years old. I went to the gym class. Oh, yeah. My spine is in three pieces. I can't carry this son of a bitch around anymore. Yeah, yeah. What do you call that?

Scoliosis. Scoliosis. I feel like that was big. in the old day. He's got scoliosis. Watch out. He's got a real spine problem. But now every kid's just autistic and neurodivergent and gay. His back's as crooked as a politician. This will make him straight as a arrow or something. There you go. Straight as a altar boy. Forrest Gump. Thank you. Hell of a picture. She fucked him for the

free therapy or whatever. Sure did. He does care about your schooling. That does that work for men? He, he, he, he. Also, what kind of noise is that? The guy's fucking. He's like, it was the woman she's making that noise yes that's the mom what kind of noise is that

well some women get fruity down there are you sure it's her I've had gals make all kinds of squawking but she's only fucking I think it was him making that noise give it a goog it's gotta be her no I think it's him yeah deep like him

I think it was her because then he gets upset because Forrest is mocking him why would she be making that noise if she's only fucking him to get her kid in school she'd be silent staring. I thought she liked it.

Maybe it's the bed. I think it's him making the noise. How am I supposed to look this up? Forest Cup. I know. Fuck scene. Who's making the noise? Something like that. Also, maybe you're right, because it would be weird if he was mocking his own mom's sex noise. Yeah, it's a deep voice. And she's just laying there like a fish. You're right. Getting the kid into school.

I thought it was her. It was hotter if it's her. I guess. I was enjoying it. I was enjoying it. I don't fuck like that. I'm into Sally Field. I love her. Cute face. Playing the field. I like cute. I liked when she was old and, you know, rotting in the bed. Oh, what's it called? Smokey and the Bandit. She's just adorable.

I want to just rub my balls, Norma Ray, Forrest Gump, Mrs. Doubtfire. What's it say? What do you mean, man? What does it say? Well, I'll pull up on you. I'm telling you, it's the guy. It's probably the guy looking back. But I wanted it to be her.

I wanted her to be getting plowed and having a great time. Forrest Gump. That's my go-to and porn. I want the girl to be enjoying it. Oh, principal and mother. Here we go. There is this all right, Paramount? Are we going to get flagged?

Oh, we got time. I got the shits. I ate too much Chipotle or have a bug or something. I got to pull this over. I got the YouTube premium. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Oh, she is a dirty bird.

She does care about your schooling. He's on vacation. Okay. Yeah, that's him. You're right. Who fucks like that? Me. Takes a big man to realize I had the fucking wrong.

Your mama shows care about your schooling, son. I'm going to try to do that with my kids in school failing. I'll just blow the principal. Are you kidding? In this school district, he's going to be the valedictorian. Yeah, we got a point there. He'll be the diversity. That was inappropriate.

Oh, how about this? I got stories up, though. Great. I got one or two, so put it right in my ass and twist it. Yeah, I got lots. Well, so we just did, sorry about the shorts. I can't find a pair of shorts that fit me. Nothing fits on this couch.

I'm sliding off here, like an Italian kid on a wax paper. I don't know. Well, by the way, you watch the Billy Joel, Doc? I have it. Woo! That is a hell of a picture. Directed by two women, I think. Ah, gross.

But it's great. But this thing, I got this not. in my ass two girls one movie I'll check it out I love a doc about a music guy I watch the Zeppelin

I watch the beach boys I watch the Elvis well the Billy Joel's great because it's HBO as is the Elvis it's uh it's Gibney it's awesome

I don't think it's Gibney it's two chicks two women what the hell is that fuck there's a woman in panties just walked that was exciting all right so

I got stories up the assall we just did one full month in New England, on the road, a 2-year-old, a 47-year-old, a 43-year-old, all in a Nissan Centra. If you want to test your marriage, test your will, test your luck, skill, everything, you pack up everything into a Nissan Centra and drive around homeless for a month. Yikes, sounds like a weird reality show.

It was really something else. It was quite ambitious. Now, I've wanted to do the month of July in New England for years. And I should have done it years ago because definitely a lot easier, Sands a baby. Because the whole thing about being in someplace like New England or on the road anywhere for a month is you want to pull over and go, let's pop in here. Sure. Let's shop over there. Sure.

Let's check out this movie house. Let's go to the bookstore. We'll read for a little bit. We'll jump in this body of water But with the kid, it's a little tricky Yes, not easy And you can't get chunks of ground Because you've got to pull over and let him out

Let him out Of the car seat Ah You gotta let him move around a little You know, he's locked up Sure, sure So it's tricky So we went everywhere

And I'm very proud of myself I navigated this whole trip Booked all the hotels The Airbnbs, the campgrounds Wow, good for you My agent, shout out Tommy Poochiani, the fucking greatest agent of all time. The Pooch! He's the bad.

This guy, I would like to just suck him off. First of all, let me say this. He's the only representative I've ever had who started as a fan. Wow, you have a fan? He was a fan of my kid. He was a kid. He's like a 20-year-old kid. Yeah.

And look it up at me. He's 4-8. He's like, I think you're the greatest. You guys should be big. I listen to Tuesdays with stories every week. Well, that's a sweet boy. And I rubbed his head and spun his propeller hat. And I said, well, if you ever amount to something, I'll throw you a bone.

And then he started working with Berkowitz, the agent of the stars. Wow, good for you, poochy mama. And I said, well, why don't you represent me, for God's sakes? I need someone who's a fan. He said, well, I'm only 11 years old. I still have braces on my legs like Forrest Gump. Sure. And I can't.

And then one day, all of a sudden he's an agent. He says, hey, I'll be your agent. Wow. I've never looked back. And he books me, he booked me in Fort Lauderdale during the Miami Open, the tennis thing. Oh, yes, yes, the open. Gets me New England every year for Patriots Day. And I told him, I want to do all of July in New England.

He comes back, he goes, all right, we got Northampton, Portland, Maine, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, some other gig. A lot of opioids on that tour. You got that straight. And then Woodstock, New York, not New England, but on the way back. Have you done that Bearsville Theater? I saw a photo on Matt Wayne's Insta. That is a peach. Unbelievable.

Wow. So fucking cool to be in Woodstock, New York, legendary town. And it was just fantastic. But that's the end of the trip. Can we take a minute to realize that you can go, hey, Dick Cheese, put me here, here, and here. I want to go to the beach. I want to go to the farmhouse. I want to go to the bookstore.

And they can make it happen. And the room fills up. It's unbelievable. That really is a special thing. Well, we're the luckiest people on Earth. I was thinking of this today. I was riding the e-bike over the Brooklyn Bridge. Yeah!

The top three most famous bridges in the world. Only the Golden Gate, I think, can compete with Brooklyn. Golden Gate is big, yeah. Yeah, but that's pretty much it. Yeah, burning bridges. There's Jeff Bridges. Yeah, he's very fan. And Bo Bridges.

Yeah, a little less. Jeff Bridge's dad. Oh, yeah. Lloyd. That's right. So, uh, although he's in the worst Seinfeld episode of all the drag. You ain't like Mandelbaum? Oh, it's fucking awful.

Oh, they're rolling up too tight. The Cubans. It's so, so bad. Oh, I thought it was some fun. Yeah, I guess. But anyways. He's great in hot shots as well. Oh, of course.

Wheels up at 0600. Wake me up at 0.5.30. I still do that joke. 30 years later. Anyways, what the hell was I talking about? You're talking about New England, bridges, Jeff Bridges, a playing bridge. Oh, Brooklyn, with the luckiest guys in the world. That's what I'm saying.

Yes. So we go up to Maine, drive all the way up there. We do Booth Bay Harbor, which is. the greatest. I've got to give a shout to the Booth Bay Harbor Opera House. Wow. I've been going to Booth Bay since I was six years old. Booth Bay Harbor. Never been.

There's an opera house. It was built in 1884 or some shit. Just never been. Because we're not exactly a cultured family. Sure. I've heard that. And just never ever worked out. So this time I go, I'm going to the Booth Bay Opera House. This is the thing

about life. You just have to decide to do things. Yes. Yes. It's all available, Jerry. You can do it. So I go, I don't care who's playing. We're going. I'm going to get tickets for everybody. You don't want it to be opera, though. No, it's an opera. It's more of a like Jackson Brown has played there once. Mark Knopfler played there, two of my all-time favorites. What's an opera sing? He's dire straits. Oh, we got to move these. It's like the greatest guitar player of all time. Yeah. Um. Color TV. That's Gillis's a walkout. Oh, is that right? Do, do, do, do, do, too. Oh, that's a fun walkout. Yeah.

No tick on No pick for Knopfler He's just all fingerpick in that Chalice, Maria Callis He is unbelievable Anyways So Nafi's played there J.B.'s played there

But this night It's a band called Cecilia. I don't like the sound of that. Spelled like Cecilia but it's Cecilia. I hate them already. French Canadian

Oh, yuck, you're digging a real hole here, Faddy. Kind of traditional, a little bit of Irish Canadian, traditional. It's a accordion player. Ah! A piano player. Oh!

And what was the other guy playing? I think a fiddle. Oof. Or a violin. I think a fiddle. What year is it? What are they Amish? Dude. Get on an electric guitar. One of the best shows I ever saw my life. First of all, get out of here.

I look them up. They have like literally eight YouTube subscribers. Yeah. I ain't one of them. And this group, threesome band, whatever you call them. outfit, they blew my pants off and then blew my cock. They're unbelievable. Wow, Cecilia, check them out. Cecilia, I mean, I bought their CD. I got to go buy a CD player now.

Yeah. But this guy in the accordion, the squeeze box, Jerry. Yes, yes. I'd never seen anything like it. And I think he's like maybe the top five best players in the world. Wow. He fucking, I can't even do it. The lady was a classical piano player.

At one point, she tapped dance. What? They're all from musical families and stuff. Are the Ireland people? They're all French-Canadian. Oh, got it. And they were unbelievable. Blue my socks off.

I brought my niece, my two cousins, Sarah, my parents. My mother was like, are you kidding me? She was furious. Wow. She's like, I don't want to go to the goddamn opera house. My mother has real class issues. So she's like, we don't have any outfits. Are you crazy?

It's going to be rich people. And everyone's in their late hundreds. We met the group afterwards. Whoa. Which was really fun. that happened? You got VIP? Meet and greet? It's the Booth Bay Opera House, Cecilia. There's 40 people there. Yeah, good boy.

I mean, I could have kissed them all in the lips if I wanted to. Probably get Mariah home if you wanted. Yeah, it wasn't a big meet and greet. So we talked to them. It was great. Just a great show. And the audio, the acoustics were unbelievable. Yes, yes. And I asked the guy, I was like, was this a hot crowd, a good crowd? He's like, are you kidding? This was

awesome. Wow. Look at it. For the love of the game. Forty people ripping. It was fantastic. I might have a hundred people. It was decent. Even better. And it was just fantastic. Just good good home cooking music. Yeah. Oh, I love that. It was awesome. Good for you.

If you get a chance, if you can find it on wherever, check them out. They rule. See, isn't that funny? Because I saw John Hyatt at the, uh, something or other on Martha's Vineyard. And it was in an old church and I really talked about this is going to be the best show ever. We took shrooms. It could not have been more boring. My friend fell asleep I looked out the window for an hour At a tree that was melting

And everybody kept yelling Play my love Or whatever the what's his big hit Cry Love And he goes shut the hell up I play what I want Get out of here And people were heckling him

It was brutal Yeah that sounds awful And then you take a shot On a random squeeze box band And they killed it Oh they were awesome It was fantastic We loved it

And just perfect night Glad I did it Wow good for you Fetty And you check off the Booth Bay Opera House. Yeah, it's off. And you get to look at it too, which is nice on the

eyeballs. Oh, I love a venue. V too. So then we went everywhere and I'll jump around, but one night we were in Bethel, Maine. And all these towns have the same name. All these towns in New England have the same name. There's a Randolph in every town.

There's a Bethel in every state. There's a Portland. So we go to Bethel Maine, which is the middle of nowhere. I've only been to coastal main, really. This is the middle of the state, almost to the New Hampshire border, hours away from everything. Bethel-Merman.

And we're just passing through, booked this old shitty hotel. It was like, you could tell it was awesome at one point. Right, right. We ended up getting a free night because it was a bug infestation. Whoa.

We join the hotel on a golf course. We wake up, it was like a bug parade. Every kind of bug you can imagine. Ladybug, mosquito, flies, ticks, gnats. VW? VW bug. Yeah, fucking FBI bug. Punch buggy. Every kind of bug. I go down. I go, hey, sorry. And I didn't even care because we were checking out that day,

but you just had the video, you're like, I don't know what to tell. Look at this. And the lady's like, oh, my God, I'm horrified. I'm embarrassed. I go, don't worry about it. So you can just give me one night. Didn't bother us the first night. They're in the room. Free night. Oh, this is in my room. Wow. Maybe it was worth it. Fuck it. Yeah, exactly. You know, you got a free night for a one lady bug. That's a good deal. Absolutely. And it's a lady in your room.

First night there, we go down to the restaurant. It's in the basement of the thing. It's an old crickety hotel. Yeah, yeah. Sit down, we order our food. Guess who walks in? Oh, geez. Mick Jagger.

No, no Mick. You're never going to guess it. Is it a celebrity? Is it a comic? Celebrity? Fucking, just a horrible fucking beastage trash. Really? Holy hell.

Hold on. Hold on. Harvey Weinstein? Tucker Carlson. Whoa! Walked in! How about that? We're sitting there, eating dinner.

Wow. Babies run around. Sarah's chasing the baby. I'm eating dinner. I look up and, whoa, man, it's Mickey. It's Tucker Carlson is in there. I'm in the middle of nowhere in the woods. He's got a bow tie.

Wow. I hate Trump on the front. Just kidding. I love Trump on the back. Wow. I go, what the hell? It's so weird to see it. a guy that you've just seen for years. That is unreal. Did you go, hey, how was that Ari episode?

I know. It's crazy because Ari did his podcast, and evidently he has a place up there. I believe it. Which is very interesting. I guess during COVID he was up there. He was a place the next town over. I forget the name of it. It's Rock Pond or Pond Rock and Roll. Crocodile Rock. Fascinating guy. Did he love the great... No, and I didn't chat. He was with his wife, I think. What's she like? I didn't chat with her either Well, what she looked like Pretty ugly

Okay Yeah Pretty ugly It's very confusing Oh yeah It's an oxymoron Or a paradox or both Oxymoron

Yeah If you're a foreigner That's got to be a tough one Same with dress shirt Dress shirt Oh yeah Kind of like jumbo shrimp Yeah

That's another one There you go George Carlin does this is a bit Military Intelligence Ah yes But then you look back And you're like I think that pretty intelligent

Yeah They get shit done and they shoot stuff, rockets. Yeah, and you're like, well, they were sent to the war. It's not like they're retards. Yeah, yeah. They made them go fight Vietnam. And they can do satellites, and they have all the radar, sonar.

Yeah, politicians made them fight. Yeah. So they seem relatively smart. Yeah, that's true. I'm with you. Yeah, that's a funny joke. Sure. What are you going to do?

But yeah, Tucker walks in, and it was just crazy because you're like, what? And then Sarah came back. She's like, I think that's Tucker calls. I'm like, I have Tucker calls. Wow. So then he's just over there eating, and you're like, I don't know, there's no story, nothing happened, nothing, anything, but you're like, this is wild. I mean, even though you don't like the guy, it's pretty cool to see a guy you've seen on TV for the last 30 years. Well, it's fun seeing a celebrity, but he's just, it's just, he had that the, what do you call it, the disposition or whatever, depose, he got deposed, and they showed all his text, and he's like, I hate Trump, I hope he dies, I can't wait to get rid of this guy, but he pushed him into office.

Yeah. So, as Lewis would say, he's not a real thing. I'd say he's not a real-ass dude. Yeah, well, not with that laugh, but also J.D. Vance hated Trump, RFK hated Trump. I mean, the list goes on. Yeah, everybody. Pretty much everyone that's ever known him at some point hates him. That's true.

Yeah. His wife. Yeah. But anyways, yeah, Tucker Carlson, in the flesh, and it was wild. Wow. But, you know, no story, no photo, no meat, no nothing. That's crazy. I would have never guessed it a million years.

Too bad you didn't hear that chuckle of his. He's got that kooky laugh. Is it a nice chuckle? No, it's all hooked. I can't even do it. It's kind of like a Jimmy Car, but a little gayer. Oh, interesting. Yeah, well, he's a weird guy because he's like, I don't know, he's a strange guy.

He's a deadhead, but then, like, where's a bowtie? Yeah, he flyfishes, I know that. Yeah, interesting, interesting fella. But anyways, Tucker Carlson, just not someone you expect to see. It's also weird seeing a celebrity. Usually you see a celebrity in New York. Hollywood, if you're on tour, you go to see a band in Kentucky. You see them that morning.

You're like, whoa, they're there. Bethel, Maine, Tuesday night. Unreal. In a hotel, like a decent, at best, hotel. Wow. But I think up there, there's only five restaurants. Also, the interesting thing about Bethel, everybody there, it's like women with hairy legs and, like, it's like, you know, Greenpoint. Yeah, it's very, like, goofy hats and whatever.

Yeah, hipsterville. Yeah, so that was interesting. Wow, he must get a ton of shit walking around by the hairy leg ladies. They must be like, like, hushy. spoo. I asked one of the hairy leg ladies, I was like, what An HLLL. I was like, you got Tucker Carlson living down the street. What's going on

there? She's like, I know, some people agree with them. I don't know. I was like, all right. I love the, I know, I know. That's classic. Because I see Tucker Carlson, I'm like, oh my God, that's crazy. That guy sucks, but whatever. Some of these people, they must be throwing blowdarts at them and water guns. Nelting down.

Anyways, there you go. I believe he did he do. I believe he did. Yeah, Ari loves him. Ari's like, oh, my God, he loves peace and grateful dead. I'm like, oh, that's terrific. Yeah. But he hates Israel. Yeah, he says a lot of wild shit about Jews.

Yeah, and I think he's boys with Putin. Is that right? Well, he went to Russia for 10 minutes and they fucked or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think he started throwing out some Russia propaganda. He hates the Jews. What are you going to do? Yeah, I don't fuck with props.

Yeah, I think he stinks. But anyhow. Yeah, what happened in Booth Bay or whatever? Well, Cecilia and let me get down to some of the nitty gritties here. Please, please. Which I heard is racist now. Nitty gritty? Yeah.

Get the fuck out of here. I heard that somewhere. No, your algorithms all fucked up. Nobody cares about nitty gritty. I don't care, but I think Sidney Sweetie's a Nazi. I don't know what's going on. No, no. No one cares about nitty gritty.

You can say nitty gritty. I like nitty. But I just heard it was an N-word. There's a band, the nitty-gritty band. Uh-oh. While nitty-gritty is a common phrase, it is disputed origin that some find offensive. Some etymological sources suggest it may be rooted in the slave trade,

referring to the debris left on slave ships. Get out of here. This is like master bedroom. People started saying that's right, but it turns out that's total bullshit. Is that right? Yeah, it's not even real. Ah, now you have to say primary. Primary bedroom.

That's the new term, which is like, just say, well, are we going to get rid of masturbate? because that's also beating something defenseless. There you go. All right. All right. So this is just a nothing burger, but nothing burgers are fun. I love a nothing burger, better than a veggie burger.

So we did the Burlington, the Vermont Comedy Club. Oh, it's a good room. Which I fucking love Burlington. By the way, Burlington's gotten a little cuckified itself. A little bit. Not bad, but it's getting there. Not horrible, but... I just did the theater with DeVito.

Good gravy. There's some nutcases up there. Oh, yeah. A bare foot on the show. Sorry, I had to crack a knuck This is terrible That's racist Crack a knuck

You can't say that What does that mean Hit an Asian Crack a knuck Or canuck There you go There you go Well

So we go to Vermont Comedy Club Burlington I don't even know What week that was Of the tour But it was crazy How about this

We go to breakfast My parents come up They're going to watch The baby They have a good time At night So Sarah can do the shows Shows are all great

Every show is awesome You can see all the riffing All the bullshit It's on my YouTube You go check it out. Check it out, baby. Some great stuff on there. We go to breakfast in the morning, and I just get this thing.

And maybe I'm neurodivergent or autistic or gay or something, because one of the symptoms is that you get annoyed by sounds no one else seems to hear. Okay. And the whole time we're eating breakfast, because this happens to me all day, every day. The whole time we're eating breakfast, you hear this. What is it, Charlie Brown's mom?

I'm going, what the fuck is it? that? What does that noise? And everyone goes, what are you talking about? I go, ah, maybe I'm crazy. Eating breakfast, eggs, waffle, suck my dick. What did at a diner? No, we're at the lobby. The fucking hotel breakfast. Was it a loudspeaker? Is it a jack-in-the-box? I think it's someone's phone. I go, what the fuck? Is someone watching fucking YouTube on the thing? I'm looking around. No one's bothered. I'm like, am I a psychopath? I'm like, isn't this driving you guys crazy? And like my

sister, my Sarah, my Sarah. Yeah. I think my wife's my sister. She goes, yeah, no, it's annoying. I go, all right, yeah. But like, should we fight, should I fucking beat the shit out of somebody? Should we ask for our money back? Should I light the place on fire? She's like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, everything's wrong with me.

Yeah, maybe you're a hypervigilant. Maybe. Yeah, give that a goug. You know what that means? Not really. You notice everything, you hear everything. You're completely aware of everything going on in your surroundings and no one else's. I have that a lot, because I'll be like, look at how much over this guy. People are like, what guy? I'm like, the guy with the

brass knuckles is fucking snarling at us. Right, right. Well, give that a good. Yeah, I get it. Hypervigilant. I might, you might have this. It's a talent. It's a condition in which the nervous system is inaccurately and rapidly filtering sensory information. Inaccurate.

Well, yeah. Oh, I'm accurate, baby. And the individual is in an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity. I mean, I think it means inaccurate in terms of of like sounds are louder. Ah, you know what I mean? Inaccurate. Yes, enhanced. You're enhanced. I might be enhanced. Well, maybe I'm

Batman or Spider-Man. Whichever man... You got the sense. That's the thing, yeah. Your hands are gooey. Yeah. They're always gooey. So I go, and I'm in the booth. So I go, I'm sorry. Can you slide out? And my father's gay. He's like, what? He's got a mouth full

of, you know, waffle. Yeah. I go, I got to get... This is crazy. I just can't... I can't handle this. Spani's coming. So he slides. I slide. I slide. And now I'm on the case. I'm, like, trying to sniff out where it is. Oh, yeah.

And it's emotionally open. There's, like, a couple people over there, a couple people over there. Maybe it's Tucker Carlson doing a podcast. So I'm doing this thing, and I just hear from, and I take the quarter behind our booth. There's a lady because there's, like, a restaurant, and then there's, like, places to hang out in the lobby. Yes, yes. Which I never understand these lobby hangers. You have a room.

Oh, yeah. They have, like, a whole family down there. They're just, like, drinking beers in the lobby. I'm like, get out of here. Oh, yeah, that's a big thing. It's very strange to me. Well, it feels like you're doing something. If you're in the room, it's weird to drink alone in the room.

But now you're out. There's less seats. I understand that. Whatever. So I look around. There's a lady feed up on the thing. I can't even lift my legs. Feet up in the thing.

She's in a Zoom meeting. Oh, wow. She's like a middle-aged white woman. Zoom meeting. Just no headphones. That should be in the room. There's 14 people with little boxes. Oh, I think we should fucking blow me on the second term.

Oh, what about the third quarter? Shouldn't we eat shit in our mother's house? Yeah. And I just went, pardon me, everybody can hear your Zoom. Oh, my God. Who do you think you are doing this? I'm Batman. Can I tell you what she did?

This is the great thing about Vermont. She went, oh, gee, oh, I'm so sorry. My gut turns it down. It's like, I'm terribly sorry. Oh, good for her. And then she starts swimming around looking for her headphones. Like, oh, like she's a startled. Oh, good.

You don't see that. In New York, you'd get fucking shamed. If you did that. They'll say, fuck you, motherfucker, you suck my dick. If I suck your dick. And I go, what the hell? Hi, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Blue Chew.

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Try Heel today for complete nutrition bottled. Hey, there you go, I'm voting for that. But any farts, so I go, yeah, everyone can hear you. And I think she genuinely, I think everyone's in their own fucking planet now. It makes me crazy, I'm like, because I'm so hyper aware. I'm like, when I'm talking, I think we should go out. Yes, you are aware. If we go to Chipotle, that'll be fun.

Like, it's just so crazy to be like, yeah, so anyways, my father. I'm like, what are you nuts? I know, I know. Go to your fucking room or put headphones. it blows my mind. Especially if you have the headphones lady, you already own them they're with you, use them. It's just it makes me insane. I'm like, so we're all having a nice

breakfast, coffee, nice early morning, whatever, and you just hear this and computer fucking audio. Yeah, yeah. Can I throw a devil's anal at you? What is it about, because the curb did this, they covered this, but what is it about if you're having a conversation with your

dad, your wife, your gay uncle, it's fine, but if they're having a conversation on the phone or with the computer, why is it annoying? Because really, what's the difference? You're talking, they're talking. Well, the computer, first of all, it's preventable. I understand what you made.

If I was on the, if I'm on the phone, just, I'm talking. Yeah. But if I'm talking to this person, you're also talking. A couple things. Please. Well, the phone and the Zoom is mobile. It's a mobile phone. You could take the phone call elsewhere.

But you could take your conversation elsewhere. You could, but you're in person. Like, you have to have the conversation there because you're eating, whatever you're doing. You're eating at a restaurant. The Zoom is crazy because all you need to do is have headphones. I'm not mad that she's talking. Right. I'm mad that I can hear her employees talking like, so shit, talk, blah, but I'm not mad if someone's talking on the phone.

I'm mad if someone's talking on speakerphone. Or if they're lingering around. Like, I was at the pool yesterday or two days ago, and there's just a man, and he's pacing through everybody. This is a relaxing area. This isn't a phone call area. Right. I mean I think that's a big part of it Yeah well I was on I had this with myself

I was on a flight and a guy was like You know we just landed the phone immediately Yeah I'll be there We're taxing now with that I'll be there Don't you worry 20 minutes 25 minutes I'll be I'm gonna get an Uber and I hate this guy But I realized if he was talking to the passenger next to him Going I'll be there in 20 minutes

It's gonna get an Uber I wouldn't hate him Well it's volume too though Volume I think part of the phone is people can't hear you on the phone Because it's loud If you're just talking, you go, hey, yeah. Like, if I was on the plane, and the guy was going, well, so my assholes bleeding. You'd go, shut the fuck up. This is true.

This is true. So any kind of noise in a public space is the problem. Right. And a Zoom meeting, like I said, go do that in your goddamn room or pet headphones on. Yeah, yeah. And they've got these business center, little weird queef cages that they put people in. Go in one of those. Right.

So I think that's the issue, but I had another one similar. But you tell a thing, and I'll save my other one. All right, well, that's a good debate. I've always wondered that, and you just answered it, so that was good. All right, let me throw this in your asshole and see if it hits the walls and makes you come. Oh, geez, I've got to pull it up. All right. Ooh, I had a tough one.

How about this one? I'm walking down the street, trying to get a city bike. It won't get out of the thing. And this guy comes up with me, older black guy, little disheveled, and I got headphones in. And he goes, hey man, hey man. And I go, ah, it was a long day. I couldn't do the hobo. I was like, I'm good.

I'm good. And he goes, hey, hey, hey, I'm on the phone, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, I'm not asking for money. I'm trying to get directions. And I went, ah, and I took the head phone. I said, I'm so sorry. I suck. And I gave him directions.

But it's the same thing. He's still interrupting your day. I get, but I was very get the fuck away from me. I don't want to do the money thing. I'm trying to get a city bike. I could have been... You know, sometimes you've got to get cold with these guys because they keep pounding you.

So I was like, I'm good, man, I'm good. No, no. Leave me alone. And he was like, I don't want money. I'm just, I'm lost. And I felt fucking horrible for the whole day. Nah, I think you need to feel horrible. You're still, you're working on your thing. Yeah.

He doesn't have Google Maps. He doesn't have, uh, we can figure things out. Yeah, maybe his phone was dead. I don't know. But also, I think he might have wanted money. And when I said no, he flipped it. Oh, he deflected. Which is pretty genius.

That's not bad. Because he might be one of these guys. I've had this before. Hey, I don't want money. Yes. And you go, oh, okay. And then within 30 seconds, he's like, but if you gave me a couple bucks, that could help me out. That's a tool they use.

That's a move. Yeah, yeah. I love this one. Hey, man, I don't mean to bother you. I just need to get home. I train tickets, $11 if you can give me any chains. And you're like, ah. And I'm like, you need $11?

Come on. Is that really what's going on? on here, you're just going to go buy a fucking 40 with it? Yeah, you never know. You never know. But that guy, I just think, I think you're okay. All right, I felt horrible. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but I'm saying, you don't have to

feel bad about that. Well, I gave him $100. But either way, it was a switcheroo, and I felt terrible. But, I don't know, you walk up to me in New York, I assume you want money. That's just how, if you're a Girl Scout or an old black guy, I don't know what the hell to do. Right. So, whatever. So I do some gigs over the

weekend. This is a while back now. I did Foxwoods. Oh, wow. I'm sorry. Mohegan. Did Mohegan's son the theater part, which felt good because we've always done the shit club. Yeah, I like the club. Ah, you know, the good club there with the mechanical bull. We love your Mark and Michael. Yeah. So I do the theater there. Have a great time. We hightail it to Ben Salem. Ben Salem. What's that? That's where the Parks Casino. I did two Casinos Friday Saturday. It's called Ben Salem? Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. Oh, I was going to say, what state is that, Pennsylvania? Yeah, yeah. It's an hour and a half out of Philly, something like that. Okay. So really, it's Philly. It's one of these things where Philly drives in for it.

Right. Like King of Prussia. Yes, exactly. And, boy, that's a dramatic name for a town in Pennsylvania. Very fun. I think I'm doing Soljol's in a couple weeks. September. September something. I don't know when. I love Soljol's. The best. So we go to Park's casino, and, you know, it's a ballroom. Let's be honest. It's one of these, like, small casinos at the middle of nowhere. Town is a real, real, just a bummer town. Go to a diner before the show, eat some horseshit, go to the show, do the show, show's fun, get offstage.

Oh, what's going on here? The wife. she goes Hey, I don't want to alarm you But I'm at home with the baby It's probably like 10 o'clock at night 10.30, I've had a couple of vodka sodas She goes, I don't want to alarm you

But I think I hear footsteps downstairs Holy shit, that's going to make me Wow, that was a classic Yeah, I got some problems over here That was a beauty So I go, wait, wait, wait, well, ha, what? And she goes, yeah, I'm not positive But I'm a little freaked out

And I go, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? I don't want to alarm you. I know. It sounds like you want to alarm me. You literally are calling to alarm me. Yes, yes. We need an alarm. Yes.

That's the whole point of the call is to alarm you of the situation. And you know me. I got home invasion issues. That's my big fear is home invasion. You picked a perfect neighborhood. I know. It's a problem. So, you know, you could fuck me in the ass.

You could eat my dad out. I don't give a shit. They bombed Syria. I go, good for them. Home invasion, terrifying. I'll drive the wrong way down the street, drunk. I'll take a pill from a fan. Home invasion, though.

I got some problems. But it's interesting because you think it wouldn't be a problem because you've lived it. You've experienced it. You think you'd be like, oh, well, I've been there, and I survived. That's true. But I think it's kind of like a molestation where it triggers you, Jerry. You know, so I go, oh, my rods and cones, I start spiraling.

I'm like, home invasion, home invasion. Right. Home alone, I didn't even enjoy because I hate home invasion that much. What does that mean? So, I'm like, what the fuck? I'm freaking out. So I go, ah, she's like,

I think someone might be in the basement. And I'm like, oh, my God. So I go, all right, I'll jump in the car, but I've been drinking. Where are you? Pennsylvania? Yeah, it's a two-hour drive. What is jumping the car?

Why don't you call the police or a neighbor? Call your black British neighbor. I got, I just got a feeling. I got to get over there. So I go, ah, shit. Let me call the cops. When Vader stays there for two hours. Well, he can meet her up with her and make out with her.

I don't know. I guess so. If he sees her, you know, it's a good time. So I go, ah, all right, I'll call the cops. Okay. Now, by the way, when you call the police, that whole defund the police thing, when you call them, you're like, thank fucking God for the police. Of course.

What a system. Of course. We pay taxes. There's a bunch of people answer the phone and go, I got you. Hold on. Yes, we need more police. It's incredible. Lots of police, for the love of God.

So I go, I call the police. You know, you call 911. I'm in Ben Salem, and I'm drunk. Now, why do you call? Why doesn't she call? Because that way they know where she is. Now they're going to show up at Ben Salem. Well, she's holding the baby.

She's nervous. She called you. She texted. I don't know. She's a woman. They panic. I don't know. She's hysterical.

So I go, well, do you see anything for her? You know, like, look, did you see broken glass? Like, how did the guy get in? She's like, maybe I left the back door on. And I'm like, well, that would mean a guy would have to jump in the backyard and go to the, but whatever. So I'm just freaking out. So I call the cops and Ben Salem answers because I'm in Ben Salem. You call 911.

And it's like, hello, how are you, sir? Good day to you. Top of the morning. And I go, hello, good sir. I'm calling about my wife who's in New York. And he goes, oh, geez, that sounds pretty hairy. Let me patch you through to New York. And I go, okay, great.

This is like, home alone. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, what you want, bitch? And I'm like, I'm in Ben Salem. Why are you in Ben Salem? You call New York? I'm like, what are we doing here? The flip from Ben Salem to New York City is a 180, Jerry.

By the way, you're acting like we had no stories. This is crazy. This is huge. It's crazy. Yeah. We went from Annie to the Black Annie real quick. And I'm like... The sticky thieves.

Sticky bandits in here. The wet bandits. So I'm like, hey, I know it's crazy. She's like, wait, let me get this straight. You at Parks Casino? I'm like, I'm at Parks Casino. My wife is at home. She's in a house alone.

I think there's an intruder. Home invasion. I got problems. I grew up in a mansion in a dilapidated neighborhood, whatever. She's like, God damn it, motherfucker. Hang on one second. She puts me on hold. I'm like, golly.

So then the cops, I don't know when the last time you called the police was. I call them twice a day. Well, they give you. They do a fucking rap sheet. They go, what's your name? Here's your phone number. What's your phone number? What's your address?

What's your address? I thought they were just going to go, We're on it. We're sending a cruiser over. They get, what's your social security number? How much do you make a year? What's the name of your last special? What's the cat's name?

What's the baby? What's the baby? What race is the baby? What race is the wife? So I start getting annoyed because I'm like, let's get, she could be tarred and feathered right now. She could be getting skewered by two guys. What do you call that? A rotisserie.

Oh, boy. So I'm like, Jesus, let's go. So she's like, what race is your wife? And I go, she's a big, fat honky. Because I'm getting nervous. I'm drunk. Right. And my opener is going,

what are you doing? What are you doing? So I'm like, why, he goes, don't joke with the police. They're not going to take you seriously. They're not going to send the guy over there.

And I go, Oh, shit, I didn't think about that. I go, she's not a honky. She's a Caucasian. And the lady's like,

what's you doing, Willis? Like, she's all, she's not like listening anymore because she's like, wait, wait, are you fucking with me? Is this a prank call?

Like, no, it's not a prank call. So I'm all over the road. So I go, But just please send somebody. They go, all right, we'll send a couple of black and whites over. It was a black and a white cop. And they show up.

Well, finally, we get off the phone. She's like, we're going to send a guy. Don't worry. I go, okay, thank you. Now I'm texting the wife. They're going to send a guy, just stay in the room, get some mace, get a bat, call Salakus, get a knife, whatever. So she's like, good, I got the baby. We're hiding.

And I go, great. And now you, 20 minutes later, did the cops show up? What happened? Still not here. An hour later. Any police present? nothing. An hour and a half. So I'm like, what the fuck? So I call them back. Well, they probably got some stuff to tend to around here. I know. It's a busy area.

High traffic area. So finally, three hours goes by. Three hours. Maybe two and a half. But I'm just sitting there like, I'll take another vodka soda. Yeah, give me a shot of Yeager. I'm just killing time here. So eventually, the cops show up. And pretty crazy. They come in with the flashlights. And they come in with the flashlights. And they go, is anyone down there? Come out now. And, you know, May's holding the baby and the cat in one hand and smoking a cigarette. And she's like, this is crazy.

They're going down in the basement. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm getting a full play-by-play. They go down there. And here's the weird thing. Where they don't find anybody, they get a little annoyed. They're like, you got us out here for nothing. Right. Well, we wanted to kill a guy.

Yeah, it's interesting. I mean, they're probably dealing with shit all day. Yeah. It doesn't sound like an emergency. If somebody calls from 300 miles. miles away and goes, hey, my wife's got gauged, my father's gay. They probably go, what is this? I know, and a big fat honky. And also, you know how many calls they must get a night? Just some baddie lady with hair nets in her hair rollers. And she's like, I'm nervous. I heard a guy

outside my door. He's going to kill me. Like, they must get that shit all day long. Well, I'm sure they also showed up and looked and you have bars in the window. Nothing's broken. Nothing's crazy. Right. And time is past. They're like, if somebody's here, it's a hobo, whatever. That's true. They, I think they know. They have a sense. They know.

They know. They had a sense. And I think they made fun of our furniture and a few other zings. And then they got out of there. And she's like, all good. Sorry. False alarm. And she's not a false alarm gal.

Like, she's not a fly off the handle. A conspiracy cunt. But I just said, fuck it. I'm driving in. Wow. So I drove the two hours. I got here at like five of the morning, pretty banged up, and I parked the car, and I got in bed. By the way, walked right in, went up to the bedroom, and went, hey, I'm here.

And she was like, oh, hey, I'm like, I could have killed you. So what did she hear? I think she heard the cats chasing each other. You know, oh, there's two cats? There's two cats. We're cats sitting. Oh, you guys are always cat sitting. It's a problem.

It's enough already with this cat sitting. I feel like we're getting taken advantage of it. a little bit. I think so, too. It's like one of those things where you babysit, and eventually the family leaves, and you just end up with the kid. Wow.

But, yeah, so it was all a false alarm, but, uh, woo-wee, talk about a real fear. Don't you have an alarm system? No, we got to get on that. You should probably get on that. I bought the ring. Good movie.

On DVD. Yeah, I bought the ring, and I go, alright, now what? And then it said, download the app, but I threw the whole thing in the garbage. Oh, I got 17 things that needed an app. I bought tickets to see the Staten Island Ferry Hawks, the baseball team. Jesus.

You are really skimming the bottom of the sports barrel. You need an account. You got to get an email with a password. I'm like, are you cocking me? Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Crazy. I'm going to a, not even A ball. It's like, whatever.

Quadruple. Yeah. I'm going down there. A cup. It's $11. $50 you can play on the team. I'll bring it my son. It's a 10.30 a.

I'm going to go for an inning. I have to, like, let me get your Social Security. Yeah, what the fuck? Get it. What are you? Radio Shack? You need my phone number to buy batteries? Blow me.

Get out of here. So, well, I'm glad that it was... It was a false. Nothing, yeah. False anal, but I got that ring. If anybody knows how to install a ring, come on over. You got to put it right in the brick. Yeah, get some little cameras and a little...

Doot-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-d-do-d-d-t. By the way, do yourself a favor. Go on YouTube, type-and-ring camera. The shit they see out there on your porch is bananas. Oh, I bet. Just all kinds of porch pirates. and crackheads looking in your window. It's the new American's funny his own videos is a ring camera.

Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. I imagine. I don't know. The Jehovah's, I think it killed the Jehovah's Witness. Oh, that makes sense. You know, because they used to knock on their door.

They had the element of surprise. You go, who could this be? Let me open the door. And now you're like, hey, I see you there, Jehovah. Hit the bricks. Well, that's that great Sebastian Minescoccal bit. The only bit I've ever seen it is. But when you're a kid, someone knocked to the door.

It's like, companies here. Yeah. Now he died behind the couch. He's like, Get my sword. So fucking funny. Company was big. There's company.

We got company coming. Yeah, you don't hear company unless it's about, you know, Enron. I love company. I like a hang. You missed a fine hang we had out in the water there. All parents to be. Dude, I was in Australia. When you sent me that photo, because I'm alone out there.

I'm misty, Jerry. I'm lonely on the other side of the world. The time logs are all out of whack. And when you sent me the photos of our two sons... We should be having dinner with our son. Well, my son was leaning right in there, getting right up in Van's ass. Yeah, and he's smiling. And it looks like a guy hanging out with his friend from Nam because he's still, bleep the name.

He's still in a stretcher. So he's like, right. And your kid is like, hey, what's shaking? And his seat, which is fascinating. His own stroller there. So that was fun. Good times. Little gaze.

We had Chavone. It's about to be a dad in three weeks. Everybody's Prego. And another friend there who. also is going to be a dad, but I think they told people too early, so I don't want to say to me. Oh, yeah, that's a kiss of death. No, it's fine. Okay.

I'm sure it's going to be fine. It's all super sillious. It's a guy that when you find out he's going to be a dad, you're going to be like, what now? Yeah. I'm sorry. Poor kid. Yeah, it's got to be trouble. But what can you do?

Yeah. Look at my shorts. I got to get some longer shorts. Yeah, we're getting pretty comfortable. What? How long have we been going? Are we at the beginning of the show or the end of the show? I have no idea what day it is.

My rods and cones are all fucked up. 48. 48. Oh, shit. Well, you're like, I got nothing. Sorry. You're telling me the craziest tale I've ever heard in my life. Who else you meet?

Bill O'Reilly. You see another guy at the mall? Rush Lumbow and I, 69. You got Jesse Waters up your ass? Well, here we go. So I have another one. Okay. Similar situation.

Okay. So, and I got more stories from the trip, but. Please. So Sarah ended up bailing it. We did the whole month together. Wow. The last show, we did North Hampton, Massachusetts, on Thursday. We ran out of babysitters.

You can't have people just traveling all over to babysit for you. Yeah. So the Thursday in North Hampton, which is like the lesbian capital of America. I didn't know it. How about that? Fascinating town. Interesting town. I saw a license plate that said Lesbaru and a Subaru.

I love it. How good is that? That's great, but I mean, it's a little redundant. We see the Subaru. We know it's Lesbo Village. Lesbaru. It sounds like it could be like a TV host. Welcome to Late Night with Les Baru.

Oh, yeah, or a weird Dr. Seuss character. This is the Lesbaru. He comes out at night and eats your box. That's not Dr. Seuss. That's like Dr. Deccle? I think it's Dr. Ruth. All right. Cizzer.

So the last weekend. We do Northampton. Sarah can't do the show anybody. We don't have a babysitter. So I'm like, and then Saturday I'm in Woodstock. I can't get someone to come out to Woodstock. so Sarah's like well why don't

I suggested I was like why don't you guys just jump on the train get him home he's been gone for 28 days he's all

whacked out so I go Friday I got Matt Wayne coming up to open for me Saturday in Woodstock what's that two hour up

two hour train yeah two hour train two hour car ride so Saturday Friday afternoon I drop her and the baby

off on the train they jump on the Amtrak that's nice and I fucking cry because I'm like we've been together every minute for a full month and it was like this dream to have this trip and we made it happen so exciting when you're like I want to do the whole month of July in New England we're going to go to New Hampshire, Vermont, every state we did it. Yeah. And then they get on the M track. She's got a suitcase and a baby and I'm like can I carry the suitcase on the train so she doesn't the guy's like you can't get on the train if you don't have a ticket. So she puts him on the train. He just takes off and then I just throw the thing and they just disappear. So I didn't get to say goodbye. Oh, my God. It was very strange, so I got emotional. I'm gay. After you get unemotional, I get my car. Now, I've been in a Nissan Centra camping, 15 hotels, six-state.

Mom, dad. Her mom came for a week. My parents. Now it's just me. Wow. And after you calm down, you're like, woo. And for the first time, I can park the car and just get out of the car and walk into Chipotle. Oh, what a feeling it is. I mean, you feel like the weights are off. It was amazing. So I went straight. Right away, I went to the hotel, checked in, napped for a half an hour. Then went to the movie theater. Went and saw F1, which is seven hours long. I didn't even give a shit. I was just sitting there beating off to Brad Pitt. What is it, three hour? Two and a half, I think. That's a lot of car racing. Yeah, it was fun, though. It's hackney, silly, Disney shit.

I can't wait. And go to the movie. Got nothing to do. And also, you know, We talk about this all the time. I like isolation. I like not talking to anyone for five, six hours. Love it. That's my favorite thing. So I go back to the hotel and I notice the pool stays open until 11, which is pretty late. And it's like 9.15.

So I go, let me go glance. It's Friday night. So it's either going to be packed or nobody. Right. That's what I would think. So I go down there, I'm like, let me just take a look. It's a little bit of mine. They should have a camera, a ring camera, on the pool.

So you can check to see what it looks. looks like. Ah. That way you don't have to walk all the way down there with flip flops and a bathing suit. Right. And then it's, you know, there's a bachelor party going. You go, oh, fuck. Right, our kids.

So anyways, I go all the way down there. Dressed. I'm not in my bathing suit yet. I go all the way down there. Because there's also a gym next door. I'm like, maybe I'll work out. Pool's wide open. Oh, nobody there.

Love it. So now I, like, walk as fast as I can, back to my room the other end of the thing. So I'm like, let me get dressed and just go get the pool so I can claim it. Yes. Because you'd much rather be the guy in the pool when somebody else arrives, that the guy arriving to someone in there. That is an awkward feeling. So I run down there, get my bathing suit on, and I run

down, I got the pool to myself indoors, it's heated, and now I'm alone for the first time in five weeks. Oh, my Lord. I get in that pool and I'm just swimming, even as I think about it, it felt so good. I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. I made

money on the trip. The shows were all great, got my wife and child home safely. I'm going home tomorrow night. Yep. And got one more fun show. Matt Wayne's coming up, so I got him. I haven't seen him in a month. Hell yeah. I'm swimming. I go, I'm going to swim for 15 minutes. Then I'm getting in that hot tub. Oh, baby dull.

I own this place. You got that right, Faddy. I'm swimming. And then as I'm swimming away from the door, I hear, you just hear like a little noise. And you go, what was that? Uh-oh. I get to the other end of the pool. I turn and I look. Hypervigilant. And here comes classic guy, big bathing suit.

Yeah. Down to his knees, shirtless, worship. Farmer's Tan you ever saw. He's bright red arms, bright red neck, pale white, fat guy, big bushy beard out to here. Bald. This guy makes his own beer. All the tattoo, the big cross, the Celtic cross. Boy, you got a real look at this guy.

Yeah, the fucking, the middle finger over here. Barbed wire here. Yeah, keep on trucking. Yeah. No fear. Farmer tan, big dirty beard, oversized bathing. It's like Chuck if he worked a real job. You know what I mean?

He's got the phone going. He's just watching YouTube or TikTok. Oh, man. And I think when he walks in, oh, he's going to see there's a handsome, tall, beautiful, sexy man. A lot of courtesy. Let me turn. Oh, he also has a white claw or whatever. Oh, baby.

Cocktail in one hand, fucking phone in the other hand. And it's just. You can't make up the sound And I'm like, no way There's no way he's going to keep watching this He's watching Tucker Carlson Kicks off his flip-flops Gets into the hot tub

So now I was about to go in the hot tub And this guy just stands waist deep Watching YouTube Oh my God, wow And that phone audio That's like It ruined your whole tranquil experience

It was fucking awful I'm like, we're in a pool We're in a shared space This is a community We're living in a society Not this guy And you're not even swimming You could put

AirPods in Yeah, yeah Your upper body out Or for the first time You could read No, that guy ain't reading Or just go to Instagram Fucking flip through

Something that you don't need sound Scroll 25 minutes Not even in the hot time Just like waist deep Your legs hot Yeah What is he whizzing in there?

So I tried to accept, because I was, like, in a good place in general. I'm like, I'll just keep swimming, whatever. Maybe I'll last them, but just a waist-deep asshole watching YouTube and TikTok. Crazy. Full volume. And I can just hear it. I'm, like, trying to relax. Oh, my God, my asshole.

Oh, that was another humdigger. But, uh... Another reeks, by the way. I haven't gotten a whiff. Let me see. Let me toss it at your way. Anything? Not a thing.

Yeah. This is a clean anus. Yeah, I'm farting cloud. over here. Oh, yeah. But anyways, yeah, that's the whole story. Just a fucking dickface, our society is... Oh, I didn't say anything to him. I only talk to women. I confront women. That makes sense. Well, this guy's got a beard.

But they should have a sign up. You know, it's like, no syringe, no drinking, no loud music. Headphones. Headphones. These people don't care about signs or anything. You get to point to the sign. It doesn't even matter. It's just crazy to not have common courtesy to be like, oh, there's one other person the pool. And I don't care. If you're the only one in there, watch TV as loud as you want. Sure, sure. When someone comes, you go, oh shit, sorry about that. Yeah. And I love a headphone.

I'm an AirPod man all day. I can't live without my AirPods. Raycons. Or Raycons. That's the best. But, yeah, just crazy. And we're all so fucking nebishy. I'm like, oh, sorry, huh? Even going in the pool, if I saw another guy, I'd be like, oh, this is the whole thing. I'm ruining this guy's night. I just don't get it. And there's no, this is one where it's like the phone call thing. There's no possible situation. Way to look at this where you're like I can see where he's coming from. No,

no. Shared space, another person, I'm going to watch videos on my phone out loud, full volume. And it makes you wonder what would happen if you said something like, sir, did you turn that down? What happens then? Either he goes, oh shit, sorry, maybe. Or he goes, well, this isn't your fucking pool, fucking bitch, or whatever.

Not his pool either. I had that exact dialogue years ago on the show at At the mountain camelback, yeah. I never forgot it. It's like, it's not your mountain. I was like, right. It's not your mountain. I'm not playing music.

Exactly. Fucking dick face. God, these people with the headphones or no headphones. Gassie. My God. I got mental, physical problems. You see it on the train, too, the people just blaring shit. You're like, what are we doing here?

Ooh, I think that's four. Yeah, well, I got, I've had a stomach. For a couple of days, I didn't eat Chipotle the whole time. Now I've had Chipotle. four days in a row and I think it's haunting me. Yeah, you've got a miscarriage. You know, it's crazy, and we'll get into this next step, but I did

15 days in Australia drinking heavily, eating kangaroo, eating ass. I shit pellets. The whole trip. I land in America. Huge log. Yeah, I think that's all travel, the water.

Is that what that is? What do you call that? Jet lag. Really? But it's almost like my body. knew I was in the right place and it said now we can get it all out. A hundred percent. That happens all the time. Is that right? It's a real thing for sure. Really? Diarrhea. Traveller's

diarrhea. It's not even just the water. It's like the pressure on the airplane. I mean there's like 15 hours of fake air and pressure. Interesting. You ever drive like three hours and then right when you're about to get home? You're like, oh shit, I got a shit and you have to run inside. It's the same thing. Your body feels like a level of comfort. That mind-body connection is so powerful. It's powerful, Jerry.

but I just was shitting pellets like a rabbit The whole trip And I was like, why am I shitting pellets? I land shit like a fucking bear Yeah Weird Australia, great or what? Well, it's a whole can of anal

But I'll get into it It was so great I love Australia I highly recommend going We gotta get your fat ass over there I know it's like my most requested place But the idea of flying For 22 hours

It's a haul With a two-year-old is fucking crazy And it's such a wacky place You know what the closest city to Australia is. No. Jakarta. That's how wild that area is.

It's like almost in Asia. You know, I connected in Hong Kong. Wow. I think if I was going to go, because you didn't bring the baby. That helps. No. But then you're going to be gone for two weeks.

That's tricky. It was hard. Boy, I've never missed the thing more. I think I would do it if I went to L.A. for like three days and then to Hawaii for two days. That'll buy you. And then maybe, you know, Vietnam. for a couple of days and sprinkle

my way down, but 22 hours. Watch up for Charlie. But yeah, it's a dozy. But it's so funny because you're like, you're on the other side of the world. You're on a 12-hour time change. So you're completely flipped. And you're like, you start to get acclimated.

You're like, oh, I guess I just live in Melbourne. I live in Sydney. Look at this. I'm alone. I'm out here. I'm doing shows. And then you land back, doing two pods, doing some ads.

You're right back in it. I know. You landed Sunday. and you did spots last night. I did five. You got problems. It's a mess. Yeah.

But, boy, it felt so I've been reading, I was on stage at the VU last night, having a good set, and I was like, oh, my God, I love this. You realize why you love a place. You see your baby. I see that baby. I just, he gave me one of these.

I walked in, he went. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, yeah. The delayed smile. I fucking picked it up. I spun them around like Mary Tyler Moore and, uh, It's been great.

Yeah, it's nice to be home. And I'm looking for, I haven't done spots in a while. So it's nice. I'm looking forward to going out and getting back after it. Oh, yeah. This is the other problem. I've been in the city for two weeks. I haven't done spots in eight days.

When I did do spot, I just did my show. Yeah. So now I'm used to be with the baby all day. And then he goes to bed, and I'm like, woo, I'm going to watch the socks and jerk off. Now I'm, like, used to that life. Right. You really get used to not working at night. I know.

It's a better way to live. It's the normal. Normal, most 99.9% of the world does not live like us. Right. And you get it. When you have that night off, you're like, I'm having dinner with my family.

I'm watching a movie. It's pretty sweet. She has dinner. Dumbent number. She's in here all the time. What do you mean by that? She has dinner. We've landed on the moon.

All right. We've got to wrap this up, for God's sakes. The sun is down. I know. We've been in this room. It's cloudy, I think. Ice is bunker here. I think maybe it's kind of a storm.

Oh, no. I think. That's what it feels like. Stormy Daniels. I mean, it's only 2.30 in the afternoon, for God's sakes. Oh, wow. Feels like it's 4 a.m. That just says, what do you call it?

Overcast. All right, good. I'm either having a heart attack or a muscle spasm. My chest is like a thumping up here. Do you smell almonds? Does your left arm hurt? No. All right, then you're good.

No, I think it's a muscle thing. It's like doing this. Oh, yeah, I know about it. I love a good spasm. All right, well, I got a, bunch of shit. Well, where are we, Choochoo? Oh! Oh, my God. We still got to do a big, fat bonus. You're one minute

over. Yeah, I can feel it. August 22nd and 23rd. It's this weekend. This weekend, I'm in Omaha. Oh, Omaha, Omaha. America's breadbasket. And then, of course, it might be sold out already. I'm doing what do you call it? Comedy

mother ship in Austin. Soul Jules is September 17th, by the way. If you want to come out to that. By the way, we're going to see X and Los Lobos on the 25th, town hall. First time I'm going to a concert at a venue I performed at. That's actually a lie. I've done it many times, but it's exciting. Anyways, Denver Comedy Works, September 11th through the 13th,

and then October, I got a bunch of shit, but I can't fucking remember because I'm an idiot. Please go to Punch Up. Go to my punchup page. Punchup. slash Joe list. Oh, my God. Here's October. Fuck me.

Here we go, folks. October, I have... Oh, the Brea Improv. October 2nd of the 4th. That's going to be big. Yeah, baby. And then the Dallas Improv, October 23rd to 25th. I love that club.

Happened to be back there. So, yeah, get on those. One of the best clubs in the country. That's going to be excited. That'll sell out, folks. Get a fucking ticket. I will be in. This is October, you say?

No. No, October is what I was just, those are my dates. Yeah, no, we're in August. Okay. I'll be in Akron, Ohio, Dayton, Ohio, the Midwest. Then I'm going to Ottawa, Halifax, Calgary, Hattiesburg, Huntsville, San Diego, Boulder, Colorado, and Washington, D.C., and Baltimore. Baltimore is almost sold out So get a goddamn ticket

I haven't been to Magoobie's in 78 years Going to hang out with Jerry We'll see what happens What do you got there? Chuck a duck Check out my podcast Funbearable We are doing a lot of fun stuff this summer

We do a lot of writing stuff We come up with alternate ideas For upcoming movies And a lot of strange games And fun weird things Funbearablepod.com At FunbearablePod everywhere I like that

It's good to be back and see you Jews, and we'll see you in hell. Sleep it up, praise Allah.