Tuesdays with Stories! - #619 Sohobo

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

Joe gets into a bike fight! Mark has a mushroom mishap! Joe goes to see Dave Matthews Band and gets into ANOTHER confrontation*! It's Tuesdays! *Not with Dave Matthews Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Get 50% off plus free shipping on your first Factor box. Use code TUESDAYS50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/TUESDAYS50OFF - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Ready. Oh, my God. We're back. Hey. Chuck, thank you so much. Chuck's doing a run to Starbucks. He's a good man, and he's happy to do it.

He's not being passive aggressive. He's not rolling his eyes. He's not going, yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. And he's not paying for it. I offered him a grape soda. That's true. That's true. I should have ordered four to hand out on the way back just in case you run into any trouble.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's how you start. That's what you do out there, folks. It's a beautiful neighborhood, very diverse. Oh, it's diverse. It's actually not that diverse. It's black.

It's pretty black. Yeah, you could die. It's just black. And then you just see whites with bike helmets walking out of these buildings and sprinting. Yeah, yeah. The helmet's not even for the bike. It's for the attacks.

Well, I just had an incident out there myself. I got a, I got, can I tell you guys something? Please. Meve's beginning of ride bikes is a new chapter in this podcast history. I've been doing it for years. It's the best way around this goddamn hellhole. But I got nothing but stories. I just had a woman chew me out like fucking Earl Weaver, and she had a weave, by the way.

She puts the weave and Earl Weaver. Yeah, yeah. It's already ordered, Chuck. It's waiting. Don't forget to take the tea bags out. Please, pretty please. And don't forget my ollipop. Yeah, I got an ollipop for him and the brownie's mine.

Don't touch it. Don't sniff it. We got a couple brownies outside. Oh, a dozen. Baker's dozen. Good luck out there, Chuck. We'll never see him again. He's going to be a Chuck outline. It's a lot of Chuck. Rupert.

But anyway, so I'm riding this bike around. Just now, this is hot off the press. Ooh, we're exclusive. You heard it here first, Gweefs. Presses are hot. Erica Badoo just stepped on Chuck's shoe. Yeah. Bushu. I think he's running for mayor, Bushu.

I don't know. I'm all over the place. it, Mom Doughty? It's okay. So I'm riding the e-bike over here. First of all, I lost my helmet for a period of time. I was devastated because you know me. I love this helmet. You got to have the helmet. I'm wearing it on the regs. I'm wearing it here. Oh, good. I'm wearing it everywhere. Well, you put it well, you know, one 20-second, 20 minutes looking like a retard could save your life. Exactly. You just don't want your son feeding you bananas because you're like, right right but it's similar to a condom you know you don't want to put it on but boy it could really help you out yeah long run yeah i could have used a few in my day i never wore condoms i

got herpes and warts i heard about that it's rough and a kid yeah what's worse that we tried hard but that was a hottie um hey all right we got one but people i've said this before nobody ever made me wear a condom because they thought i was like a dorky nerd beta cuck homo Oh, right. So they were like, oh, you don't need a condom. You're clean. Great. And then I just spread diseases all over the world.

Ah, that's a shame. But your wife's clean. Oh, she's clean as a whistle. So there you go. As long as you keep in the house clean, you're good. Yeah, not a spot on it, not a drip. So anyways, I'm riding the e-bike over here. And this is what happens.

I'm over right down the street here where it gets real spicy. A little hairy. And there was a buzz. You know, first of all, it never occurred to me because I never rode a bike around all that much how little people respect the bike path hate the bike that's why these cyclists get all

uppity because they're fucking angry yeah it's I mean people stand there particularly in certain areas the source awards out here people just stand in the bike bat they chat they make it their whole they urinate in there so you gotta go around the bike pad

you gotta get in the street because people are blocking the path. Yeah. So I'm riding, and then there's a bus, a city bus, in front of me, and it's just kind of stopped. And I see there's a, what do you call it, a seam where you can kind of go around. So I'm passing the bus on the inside, to be fair. And then the bus starts moving and stops, and the doors open.

Uh-oh. So I stop, because the door's opened, and outsteps a heavy, she looked like dusty roads, if dusty roads was black. Oh, dirty roads. Yeah, like... Busty roads. Yeah, he had a manager. I don't know, you were never a big wrestling guy in the 90s. He had some manager who looked like him, but a black woman.

Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. I forget her name. Huh. I can't remember. It doesn't matter. Some of all write it in.

Yeah. But anyways, she worked, she was like a traffic cop. Whatever the light blew. I don't know if it was a parking meter lady. Sounds like a parking whore. But she got off and I had already stopped. I was just like, here. She steps off and she's like, you bike people, get off your bike.

I don't want to hear no sorry. You hit me. As soon as that bus stops, people are getting off the bus. You can't be coming by here because people are getting off the bus. If you see a bus stop, people are getting off. That's what you have when a bus stop. But you stopped. This went on for, I'm not joking, 60 straight seconds.

I thought she was going to be done. Yeah. And, you know, it's a road game for me. I can't be like, well, listen here. Right, right. So I just sat there and kind of bathed in it, and because it wasn't an incident, I just thought, well, this will be over in a second. Sure, sure. You didn't hit her.

So what's the hubbub? We're done here. No, and I was just sitting there. And I was in the raw. I mean, if we want to get fully technical, the bike path is blocked by a bunch of parked cars. Got it, got it. But, you know, you shouldn't be going around a bus on the inside. But it's a red light.

It wasn't anything crazy. and I didn't hit her. Yeah, was your foot on the ground? If it was on the ground. If your foot's on the ground, that's a stop, baby. I mean, I don't know the exact order of the thing. She might have seen me feet not on the ground, but I wasn't zooming.

I mean, already I was passing a bus. You check the tea bags out? Woo! Wow. Burrell steep. So, oh, it was 20 bucks. So I was very, it wasn't like I was like, oh, sorry.

Yeah. And she kept. saying, I don't want to hear your sorries. Because that's what you get. And then she started doing an impression of somebody. She's never heard me talk. Sure. So she kept going, oh, sorry.

Oh, geez. Oh, sorry. I don't want to hear no sorry. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say Jack Nicholson or something. She just went into walking. But I was like, okay. I didn't say anything.

And then it's a bus stop and a train stop and just a street corner. So there's like 30 people. None of them look anything like me. Yeah. And it was mostly met like shirtless ripped guys. And so I kind of looked at them. They were looking at me like, oh, I know exactly where this is. Yeah.

And I was like, I never said a word. I was like, all right. Well, as painful as that is, well, first of all, did you pop a boner? Because the last 20 years you've been talking about women yelling at you out, get you hot and heavy. Well, I'd like a less heavy, more hot. Sure, sure, sure. A little, I'm like a fitter gal to yell at me and step up my dick and put a shoe in my ass.

Yeah, I got to, well, I got to tell you, as much as it sucks for you, you made those guys day I mean those guys sit there shirtless in the heat hey thank you yes new sponsor and they wait and wait and you are their entertainment

they don't have an iPhone they're watching for a honky to stop short yeah it was something it was something else and I also had AirPods in which I shouldn't ride with AirPods but I wasn't even listening to anything

I just had them in because I had them in earlier and it went on and she was doing the thing when she was walking away still ranting about it and she was in uniform so you don't think of her

as a crazy person. She works for the city, which is not to say you can't be crazy working for the city, obviously. Sure, sure. Come on. Cuomo. Yeah, she just kept walking away.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to hear no saw reads. I've never done she's been hit by bicycles many times. Oh, that's what it is. But I felt good. I just kept the whole thing. Okay. Yeah, that's what you got to do.

Just smiled with my silly helmet and went, all right. You play it right. You take the beating because if you clap back, now we got this thing. Lady. Keep going, M. F.er. Let's see what you got. There's that. And I don't want to trifle with any woman, particularly a Brooklyn black woman who works for the city. She's seen some shit. She's grizzled. Yeah. The post office, I go, and yes, I'm on my hands and knees doing the bow. And, you know, she had 14 people that I imagine wouldn't be on my side very long if I started being like, well, fuck you, bitch.

But there are those people that do that. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I've seen it. I've seen it. Lewis and others. I don't want to get too revealing, but I saw a guy out here there was a little kid, a little black kid with a squirt gun. He was squirting everybody.

And this older guy, like a Middle Eastern guy, went up to the kid and he goes, do I was watching out the window and he took the gun. And he's like, I'm taking the gun. And he like, threw the gun, you know, 10 feet away.

And he's like, you got to respect your, blah, blah, blah. And the kid was like, and he went and picked up a brick. And went and chased. Kid picked up a brick. And I chased the guy.

And it was out of my view. I couldn't see. see. It was out the window. So I missed it. Wow. How old is this kid? I was picturing six. Eight fat little eight-year-old. A fat eight-year-old got a brick and chased a guy. I don't know if he hit the guy. I don't know if he built something out of view, but he was chasing him with a brick. This is like Israel and Palestine out there.

Yeah, yeah. You got a guy. He's shooting and the guy responds and it's like, oh, shit, that got crazy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it was black in Middle Eastern. No Jew. Oh, wow. Well, I've had several bike incidents. I don't know if you want to hear others, but what have you been? I'm down. I'm down. I'm a little hungover, a little gay. We pushed it last night in the Hamptons. Yeah, what was going on in the Hamptons last night? Just a one-nighter. We do this place called the Canoe Place. It's like a little resort out there on the beach, and the queefs come out and get Buckwild, and it was a hot show. Who's we? Give me week. Give me typical. I had Raj and the Tesla. We drove out there. and then...

I meant fun group. Ah, well, the audience was fun. I see. And, yeah, I just got back an hour ago. You stayed overnight? Stayed overnight? They give you a bungalow, Jerry. Whoa.

Yeah, so I'm like, fucking, I'm staying here. The baby's at home. I get to sleep in a little, you know, the bungalow, then you drive back. You brought Raj to a bungalow? Oh, yeah. I don't discriminate in a bung. No kidding. What kind of bungal are we talking?

Waterfront? Waterfront, overlooking the bay. So I had to do it And you get a free meal Which is why I took the gig You want to get that meal, don't you? Oh yeah Put it on last night

And I slept in it And the show was great They give you a couple of And you sit out and watch the water And just drink heavily And then crashed and woke up And here I am You got a good agent

You think Don't you think? I'll take it I mean every gig you got You're in a bungalow You're in Australia Your father's gay I mean you're living life

Well Ari Ari is like my mentor He's like I want to go to Bangladesh for six months. Set me up with a talk show out there. He'll go do the show in a hut in a kibbutz and bomb and do whatever he does, and then he just lives there. Yeah, that's pretty smart. Where is he now? Nobody knows. No one knows. He's parts unknown. He's Bourdain.

Yeah, he's got a Bordain act. Hey. I don't know. I'll take it. Yeah, but I got a wacky one for you. Please. So I got free tickets. Okay. To a concert. Mumford and Sons. Where are you at on this? Oh, yeah.

You asked me the other day, and you said, I saw the Mumford and Sons last night, and I knew you weren't a big fan when you said the Mumford and Sons. Yeah, yeah. Because he's not the Mumford. Right, right. He's the Mumford, I think.

When people go, I saw Bart Simpson. You watch Bart Sipson? They throw a weird, you watch the Seinfeld? Right. So I saw the Mufford and Sun, but I only went because it was Forest Hills. And free. And free.

Right. Of course. So I go, I don't. know much about the ban. It's not really my cup of jizz. So why do we, I mean, the wife, why don't we take a couple of mind-bending psychedelics? You're asking why, don't you? I got a couple answers. Please, let's hear it. Well, you have a child. Yeah, but it's a, you get a sitter, you come back and it wears off. Yeah, something goes wrong. It's going to be a little weird, but sure, yeah, take the mushrooms. All right, so I go, huh, I don't have any mushrooms. How do you

acquire mushrooms? So you text some of your crunchier friends, they go, I'm out, I'm fresh, shout. I should have called me last week. Ruby? Text Ruby. Ruby's got shoes that are made out of the same thing as this couch. Yeah. You see those shoes? He's a wandering Jew, that guy.

He's got a walking stick. He looks like the lead singer of band of horses. He's got a big hat that goes around, and he's got, like, a necklace. He's got a necklace. A scowl. Yeah, he's high, right? Was he high the other day? He's always high, I think.

Because Sarah was like, does Ruby hate me? Is something going on? Did he say something to you? And I'm like, I don't think so. I think he's exactly normal. I think he's upset. And I'm like, I think he's just stoned. That's Ruby.

That's his disposition. I think people that are high should wear hats that say, I smoked a little bowl. That's good. So that way, you're not going, what's going on? He's not looking at me. He doesn't respond to me. Every time I think someone's hate to me, I realize they're on 75 kilos of weed. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like an I voted. Give me a little heads up. Yes. And then some guys are cunts. And you go, what's up with this guy? Oh, he didn't smoke. Right. You know, like, I don't want to.

say any names, but if they don't get their tokaroo, they are a cunt of bitch. No, I do a podcast with him, Lewis, and Bobby. I didn't want to throw it out there, but yeah. So I go, all right, let me get these shrooms, Roobes, and he goes, well, I don't have any, but I got a guy. And I go, well, I need them by tonight because the concert's tonight. And he goes,

okay, it's a weird system. Here's the number. You have to text the guy. Text him my number, my name. I have to text him your number and your name within a 10-minute window. I love this. And then you get a text back. Now, this is fun.

This is, I mean, this is good time living. I'm a 41-year-old man going, oh, baby, it feels like you're in on something. I want to see a short film about how this man came up with this system. How and why? Genius system. What went wrong? What went right?

Did he hear it from somebody? How did he come up with the text me a number, and you text the number in 10 minutes? And then is it a he? Is it a team? Because the guy, whoever it is, or gal, is somewhere in a loft. Who knows where? Bronx.

And he's got all these drugs, and he's got to get him out to the world and not get arrested. Right. So what he's doing is highly illegal. Maybe I shouldn't be talking about it. Well, you're not saying his name. That's true.

I don't even know his name. He's in the ether. He's with Kaiser Sose. Yeah. So we text the guy. I get the thing back, and all you get back is a menu. Whoa. Now you got magic mushroom.

You want the caps. You want the chocolate. You want the bar. You want the stems, you want the whatever. And I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I'll just take the bar. And they go, okay, when? And I go, right now.

And he goes, okay. And he goes, it can't be in a hall, an alleyway, can't be in a street. It's got to be in a house or an apartment. No dumpster, whorehouse, outhouse, crack house. It's got to be in the home. So he comes into your home. So May, the wife, is taking the baby somewhere in an Uber. So I picked the crib up, what do you call it, the stroller, pick up the stroller, I put in an Uber, and I see this scraggly looking motherfucker, white guy, dreadlocks, big glasses, and a backpack like out of a, you know, one of these kids that goes to Mumbai, to backpack in the mountains.

Oh, I did that in Peru. Oh, yeah. Huge backpack. Big backpack. And who knows what's in that motherfucker. It's going to be shrooms and acid and coke and blow and, you know, contraband. So he shows up and I'm like, oh, are you the guy? He's like, I'm the guy.

And I go, I'll be right with you. I just got to buckle this stroller in. So now my baby's like, who's that smelly cunt? And I go, hey, just go inside. So he's inside my house. I'm putting the baby in. I run back up. I give him 50 bucks.

She gives me a chocolate bar and that's that. Wow. I think Roseanne Barr, good name for a mushroom. Oh, yeah. She's crazy. Yeah, it makes sure you're a little wacky. Yeah, she's nuts. You start tweeting, hey, you know.

look like a monkey. Boom. Sure. Mushrooms. I didn't know the bitch was black. That was her rebuttal. Oh, that's a pretty good rebuttal. Yeah, which if she didn't know it was black, then I think she's got free. Well, hey, I've always said

George W. Bush looks more like a monkey than any black person I've ever seen. The guy's dead on monkey. He does. He does. You put George W. Bush next to a monkey. Twinsies. Yeah, yeah. He's as white as Wonderbred. Dead ringer for an ape. So, I don't know about it.

don't know my monkeys. I'm so bad with monkeys. Well, it's a decent band. Guerrilla. That's another band. That's the big thing. Big silverback. Yeah. I think ape is all of them. It's like human. You got boy, girl, Chuck. You know, those are all human. Isn't there another word for all of? Chimpan.

Now, that's a sect. This is an orangutan. Cimpanzee. Sect. Monkey. Well, maybe monkeys all of them. How about monkey was all of them? Ape might be all of them. Ape has to be a specific kind. Give it a goog there, chimp.

I think they're not all apes. No, there's another word. What's another word that encompasses all of those? Mammal? No, isn't there more specific? Chimp? N-word, I don't know. Monkey.

Guerrilla. Guerrilla, yeah, yeah, chimpanzees. Primate. Primate! But aren't we primates? Yeah, but still. Okay. But, you know what I mean?

We're part of that. Sure, sure. We're in the same family. Yeah. Ape, I think, is the orange one with the long arms. Oh, I thought that was orangutan. Oh, yeah, that's orangutang. Some crazy videos.

What's an ape? Yeah, I thought ape was all. Wait, planetly apes. So the ape is like a monkey, a bigger monkey. Because monkeys are little, too. That's a cat monkey or something like that. A spider. Spider monkey.

Yeah, but ape is also a verb. He was aping me, meaning like mimicking me. Oh. You know, and then his ape shit. Yeah, he went ape. Yeah, then his date ape. What do you got there? And his bathing ape.

Have you seen this? that's a clothing line. I just, I know it, because I just looked it up because I keep seeing babe. Bathing ape and B-A-P-E. It's like a Japanese clothing line, BAPE. Statutory Bap. Bap, Ben.

I mean, you're right about primates, obviously. All right, that's the whole... I'm always right. Kitting Caboodle. Monkeys and apes are not the same thing, though. Oh, okay. Not all monkeys are apes. Okay.

Well, what do you got? So what's an ape? Just Google image me an ape. I know what an ape looks like. I don't know. Planned to the apes, but... Because monkeys can be brown, white, gray. Yeah, all over the place.

So what's the difference between a monkey and an ape? It's like a dog. A dog can be a Cocker Spaniel, a collie, a basset hound, a wolf. A human could be a doctor, a vet, a basketball player. Yeah, a scooter driver. See, this is interesting because, like, I think that, like, orangutans are technically apes. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I said that was an ape.

Well, just give us ape definition. Well, I mean, I think that they're almost identical. It's just like... Ape has longer arms. Oh, interesting. An ape. Okay. Maybe.

Ape soda. I don't know. I mean, I looked up our all monkeys' apes. Differences between monkeys and apes. Uh-huh. The primary difference is that... Primate. Oh, here we go.

Monkeys typically have tails. Oh! Ring-tailed lemur. Yes. And apes don't have tails. No tail on the ape. Does a gorilla have a tail? The gorilla doesn't have a tail.

I don't believe it does. I might have a little nub. It also says monkeys are. are generally smaller than apes. Yeah, monkeys are little. Spider monkey. Got it. Monkeys have a simpler brain structure than apes.

Oh, okay. And monkeys are found in both the old world, which is Africa and Asia, and the New World, which I guess apes are not. Would you find this, the Bible? We're preferring to do it as the New World? Old Testament here? I don't know why it's called that.

But it says apes are further divided into great apes, which includes humans, gorillas, chimpanzees, bonobos, and orangutans. So we're great animals. Wow, I like that. I've always thought you were a great ape. Yeah, you're a great ape. Yeah, you're a fantastic ape.

Thank you. Okay. Are there bad apes? If there's a great ape, there must be a shitty ape, maybe. Have you seen those films? There's some bad apes. Oh, yeah, yeah. By the way, they're on like 38 of Planet of the Apes now.

We've got Plano, Return of the Planet, Neighborhood Apes. I mean, it's all over the place. Yeah, I can't do it. I'm not into any of it. I just don't care. The first one, even? The 1960 thing was. Yeah, I couldn't really get into that either.

Yeah, and they look so goofy. They're like, it's like a joke. Dr. Zias, get out of here. Dr. Zias, Dr. Zias, Dr. Zias. Anyways, where the hell are we? How do we get up on monkeys? So he took the mushrooms. He went to the concert, and I got to tell you, not a great idea.

Yeah. I mean, I'm a shroom guy. I've never had a bad trip in my life, but you get out to Forest Hills. It's a fucking hour-long ride out there. Took the L-I-R, which was kind of fun. Well, that is fun. And then we got there, and we pop them to take them. about 30 minutes to kick in, we get in the beer line, and I'm, they kick in, and here come

the, hey, Tuesday, hey, hey, quiff, comedy, and you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, and you're trying to like, oh, yeah, comedy, yeah, and you just can't relax, and then you go into the concert, we're on the GA, we're in the ground floor, and I'm just like, ha, ha, how do people act? And the guy's like, hey, that joke you did, whatever happened to that joke, and I'm like, and I so I pounded like four beers to get through it and then I had a great time but initially not great

all right by the way your wife is living at Forest Hills I saw her there three weeks ago at Dr. Dogg that's true now let me ask this was it full because I've heard around the campfire that Forest Hills is having a tough season and I heard that after

someone told me that and then I was like well Dr. Dogg was half full but I think it's out in Queens money's tight It's the summer of George or whatever But they filled it up the Mumford and Suss Yeah, they're pretty big They've been there for 20 years playing, they said

Which is crazy What? Something like that. Give it a good They can't be right. Maybe 15 20 years? They've been around. Maybe they opened for somebody there. Maybe. There's no way 05 They were doing stadiums, right?

It's a small stadiums. It's a small stadiums. It's trying to get so many seats. I think I knew this the other day. Capacity. 11,000? 13. 13. Yeah, which seems high. It looks like five to me.

Everything, look, I'm the, I've talked about this before. I am the worst at guessing attendance, and I miss both ways. You think you would consistently miss one way. Sometimes I'm like, what's there, 400 people here? People are like, that's 1,000? Right. And I'm like, what's that? 4,000?

Like, it's 800. Right, I'm the same way. You don't want to do that with ages. You don't go, hey, fuck the girl last night. I thought she was 80. She was nine. Right. Do you have any guesses?

You want to guess? What? How long Mumford and Sun's been around? Oh, you're talking total. Years? 25? I'm going to say, I mean, I'm a mess now with anything after 2000. I don't know what the fuck's going on.

I'm going to say they hit the scene in 06. 07. Oh, okay. So how many? That's 2019? 18. 18. Okay.

That was way off. Wow. Good for them. I only know a couple of the jay. I never got big into it. They did a movie where they were all on a train, them in a few bands. I watched that. They're very foxy, a lot of banjo, a lot of suspenders.

Yeah, I like that stuff. I guess I should do a deep dive. I probably would like them more than I think. Very talented. Well, the main guy was fat. That was like his thing. He's the fat lead singer. And now he's on Oseping.

He looks like a hunk. He's like a rail, Jerry. And he ran all through the audience. The place went nuts. It was great. He would run up the stairs from the stage and then keep singing. No breath, no nothing. So you don't think of a folk rock band running up the stage.

No. You never see Garfunkel like, That's true. She's diving off the thing. Yeah, yeah. So that was fun. But how about this? So we're in there.

We're watching the band. I look behind me, fire department. There's like six firemen behind me. I'm like, huh. And then you start thinking, are we going to die?

Like, what's the, what's the beef? What's the fire? They're wearing coats and hats? Like the helmet? The full gear. And you're like, huh? And I'm on shrooms.

So you just start going. You're like, maybe somebody had a heart attack. Maybe the place is on firemen. There's a terrorist attack. And, And it's funny because they start just kind of bopping along, and girls are hitting on them. I bet.

I'm watching them more than the show. Wow, you're watching The Watchmen. Yes, exactly. And, yeah, we had a great time. I go, everything all right? One goes, yeah, we're fine. Don't worry about us. Interesting.

Did they have axes and hoses and stuff? Yeah, they had hose, all right. A lot of them. They were all over them. That was one of my first jokes. Firemen are like pimps. They're nothing without their hose. Hey, I like it.

It's not bad. Not bad. Yeah. Yeah, you can have it. $100 bucks. It's not my cup. But, yeah, so that was it. We came home and we threw the baby down the stairs.

Oh, nice. That sounds like fun. I love a night out. I love a forest hill. Anytime you go into a thing, it's exciting. Well, you forget, or at least I forget, how great the city is. You know, you get yelled at by a heavyset woman of color on the street, and then you go, fuck this town. It sucks.

It's a toilet. Then you go, like, I'm up in Forest Hills. I'm on drugs. A guy brought him to my house. I'm watching firemen get laid. I'm listening to music. Beautiful. it's a great city I love it especially in the summer

it's the best in the summer and the fall yes winter it gets rough brutal everywhere is rough in the winter but yeah except Florida yeah good point that's why they go there the entire south is pretty good during the winter what am I talking about California too yeah south thrives in the winter because it's finally

it takes a breather from the fucking humidity yeah I'm way off I guess just New York sucks in the winter yeah the northeast it gets dark at 4 p.m. is what I mean but I always say the winter if you have nature it's up But we don't have, it's hard to get to nature here. Hard to get to nature. Because all this shit dies in the winter.

And it is gloomy. It's depressing. But boy, when it turns, it's pretty great. Like when you get out of winter, those first couple days of like, hey, it's like 68. Yeah. Hey, the sun's shining. Hey, we've got an extra hour where all that shit's great. No, it's fantastic. Tomorrow, at the time of recording this, free Blues Barbecue Fest, Hudson Yards.

Now, how does this work? Give me a rundown of this. That's free. Walk over there. Well, if you want to bring the whole family, we're taking the boat. The boat lets you off right there. You come to our house. We meet over there.

We walk to the ferry. We take the ferry. Boom bam. Wow. You like the Gatsby's. Well, the lady and the baby are out of town. I went to Portsmouth. Ah, Portsmouth.

I love Portsmouth. I do, too. Well, then you'd come. Yeah, yeah, I've tried to. Yeah, all right, sounds good. I took the ferry from Navy Yard. to your house the other day. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah, it was like a 12-minute ferry, and I took the boy. You don't realize. First boat ride. He's like a slave. Wait, when do you get the house? My house with the boy? Huh? When were you at my house with the board?

I didn't go to your house. I just went to your area. Oh, I said, you could hit me up, for God's sakes. Wow. Shoot me a text. Going somewhere. Jesus Christ. I live there.

It was last weekend. Were you on the road? No. Oh, you came to my house. Yeah, I was at your house, you a dizzy fuck. Well, I figured, hey, you're. coming over tomorrow. Hey, folks,

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Even I can do it. Get into therapy and get ready to reinvent yourself. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Tuesdays with stories listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Tuesdays. All right, back to the show. Yeha. By the way, let's talk about this party because it fucking wiped out half of New York City comedy. I mean, we had the Dallas Buyers Club in here. Everyone got infected,

everyone's sick. Super spreader event. Yeah, so who is the source? And I got to say, I'm worried it was me because I've had diarrhea for a few days. But not barfie or sick. Just garden variety, meat and smashed potatoes, diarrhea. But the boy of yours didn't get sick till after our party. So that makes me think it wasn't you. Yeah, and he also barely got sick.

He, like, had a fever for a day. And then he was 100% the next day. Huh. So I don't know what the fuck happened to him. He was like, fine. These other kids got all sick. My kid had the same thing. Fever and weird shit, weird liquidy shit.

I had no liquidy shit. What, it may have, Barf? She had neurovirus. So that's heavy duty. I think you had that once. I had it twice this year. Yeah. And then Sam got annihilated.

Sam got sick. Ruby got sick. The Jews, I find it's a hard variable. They're not a good control group because they're sick from a fucking peck on the cheek. Right. But Ruby, Sam, all four. Salikus, Salakus's wife. His wife got all fucked up.

Yeah, yeah. You, you, your boy, my kid. But my kid, I think, is separate. It was three days later and wasn't any kind of diarrhea throw-upy thing. The girl with the jean shorts and the fluffy hair, the brunette, she got real sick. She's a hot one. She was pretty cute, yeah. Yeah.

So everybody got sick. Yeah, well, not me, not my wife. Yeah, but I think this is where it helps to have the baby running around, because I didn't even talked to anybody. I was chasing around the baby and I was smashing Charlie around. Yeah, you were having a great time and you saved Charlie's life because he was bored out of his mind. Oh, I had the time my life with Charlie. And then so Charlie is Salacuse's kid, which by the way, I thought of a great subject, speaking of Salacuse, for my

next film. Oh, here we go. I love it. You're like Tarantino. You want to hear the title? Yes. I was born here. Ah. The Matt Salacuse story. That's good. Is that good or what? This guy, he's shooting Jay-Z. He's from Brooklyn. He looks like the ugliest pimp I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, he's got no hose. He's all photographs, movies, he's half-retired, and everyone's got a story. Another title, I thought, was Salacuse, R. Kramer, which is it bad. But I think I was born here is better. Better, because Kramer, now you're implying he says the N-word. It's a, yeah, it's a different reference. And he doesn't really do this much, but anyways. He'll slide in, though.

He will slide in anything. He's a fascinating character. But he brings this 10-year-old. He's bored. So I grabbed him, started whipping him around, gave him a handy. That's big. And so then we had a little rubber football, a baseball. Oh, I forgot.

All right, Charlie, let's go. We're running plays and doing the thing. Hit me. I'm going to do an over-the-fence, rob a home run, which was fun. We were throwing balls and strives. I mean, we really had it. We went ham. We had a great time.

John Hamm. And then there was a little chew. ring, because there's all these babies running around. Chewing who? Rings. What do they call that? A teething ring. Teathing ring. So I set up the teething ring, and I put the football in it like a T. Yes. And I go, all right, we're special teams. I have my kid in my arms. And I go, all right, on the count of three, let's go. And we run. And he kicks off. He kicked this

fucking ball. Had to be 175 miles an hour. Oh, yeah. He's a paylay. Six inches off the ground, just on a line, frozen rope. And it just kind of slices and slight like a tractor beam right into an 11-month-old baby's face. A gorgeous, cute little blonde toddler with blue eyes.

It was like the JFK assassination. A head like came clean off. We were picking up brain. Pink missed. I mean, it was like slow motion. His whole face and cheeks. Couldn't have been happier and just sitting up by himself,

playing with a ring, and then bam! Oh, it was ugly. Perfectly centered, like, smash. I mean, Matthew Thomas Crooks couldn't even get in close to that. He hit the ear. This was like bullseye. And I was like fucking Harry Dunn and dumb and dumber.

I was doing this shit. Lloyd Christmas, whoever. I saw Salukes go like this. Oh, he was horrified. Horrified. And poor Charlie, I felt bad. And I'm a piece of shit. I was like, Charlie!

Yeah. Oh, my God. Charlie Falcuse did that. Sounds like the dad. and Wonka. Charlie. I was like, I can't believe he did that. I had nothing to do with that.

That was crazy. But, yeah, I put it on a team. It was like, kick it that way. We'll run full speed. Crazy to kick full speed towards the group. Go towards the fence. Go towards the behind you. Why are we going right into the tit?

Well, the last thing you want to do is kick the ball over the fence. That's true. I'd rather get hit in the face and lose the ball. And also, we were trying to kick it long with a kickoff. You can't do a short kickoff. It wasn't an on-side kick. This was to start the game. But, boy, that kid took it right in the fucking grill.

Well, you wonder where autism comes in. It's from getting pegged and beamed in the kisser. Oh, I didn't know he pegged him. Oh, yeah. I'll send you a link. By the way, the fascinating thing about a kid getting hurt, because obviously you love your child, you never wanted to get hurt if it's sick,

you feel horrible, you just want to take the pain and he doesn't have to deal with it. So this kid gets beamed in the face. he's 11 months old. He can't talk. He can't walk. He has no money. And yet, they have to still be members of society and go, that's okay. You're fine. Even though you can tell, they're like, oh, God, my boy. They handled it very well. They really did. Then they got sick.

Yeah. Maybe it was the ball. Maybe the shit was on the ball. Well, everybody licked the ball. I sat on the ball for a couple days. I wish my wife would lick the ball. Yeah, that was quite a scene I'll tell you that But what a great, great kid Salacus is a hell of a father And a good man

Oh yeah, I like him I asked him, I said Does anything hurt you? Because we had the discussion In the last episode Oh, we did a full rundown on that quiff But we said, can you be hurt And he texted me back like four days later

I forgot the conversation happened That hurts a little And he said If somebody said You've embarrassed yourself You fucking embarrassed yourself you fucking embarrassed yourself He's like that would hurt

And he said one time Like 20 years ago Him and a bunch of buddies Were out to eat And they were like All right We'll split the bill evenly It's whatever

80 bucks each And then he was like Well I didn't even have a drink I had like two wings And then his other friend was like Salicus is cheap And he's like that hurts So now that's why he's so generous

So we owe that guy Wow he's not cheap at all Every time I see Salikus He shoots a film for me And it's like free. I know. He barely charged any money. I go out to eat with him once a week at a diner. We have a weekly diner hang

and I always cover the bill but he'll throw in, it'll be 60 bucks. He'll put a 20 in. It's the last 20 he's got. It comes out of his pocket and a moth flies out and I go, feed your kid. Right. What are you? We're buying pancakes here. Yeah, he's a hell of a guy. He met me in Central Park the other day. It was very delightful.

Oh yeah, but everybody's sick. I told you. I went to the bodega. The wife was in bed like comatose and she goes, NyQuil. I need NyQuil. And I go, I got you. it. I run out to the bodega. The guy puts it on the counter and goes, everybody in New York sick. And I go, thank you. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it sits around. Well, I said this. We brought our baby to the doctor. So did I. She said, oh, there's a new COVID that causes diarrhea. And I was

like, you think I have COVID? I've had diarrhea for eight days. And she's like, you can't believe how many people are coming in saying they have diarrhea for eight days. Whoa. Something's going on. So I might have been the source. But I felt like 100 bucks. I just kept taking watery shit. Interesting, that you had the watery shits, but you still fell fine, because usually that's a real symptom. Well, I might have had bad spinach or bad Chipotle or bad McDonald's, or bad pussy. Yeah, Erica Badu. So, yeah, I guess you were the patient zero, or whatever they call it. Maybe it mutated, but I had no sick days.

Oh, yeah. I just had a watery dump. Same, same. But yeah, so I took the baby to the doctor, too, because I'm a new parent. I'm newer than you, so I panic. And I go, he could have scurvy. Let's get him out there. Right.

And she goes, was he around a couple other kids? And I was like, yeah, she goes, all right, that's all it is. Oh, way to the winter. I mean, the winter, the three of you just rotate being sick for six straight months. Oh, God. It's really a P.U. Because they just, every week and a half, they recover, and then they go back and they shove everything in their ass and then they get sick again. I guess it has to happen.

Build the immunity. Right. Whatever. So it's goofballs. But also, I'm like, we have insurance. The doctor's office is across the street. So you just go. Yeah.

Yeah, here you go. And they go, yeah, they tested him for the shit. And they took his temperature and go, all right. Yeah, the lady goes, you didn't have to bring any shit in, did you? And I go, no, I didn't think that was a polite thing to do in society. Bring shit in? She's like, do you have a dirty diaper on you? I'm like, no, I tried to get rid of that before I showed up.

Oh, what is she trying to bum a diaper? Well, she wanted the feces sample. Oh, I see, I see. I thought she was like, hey, can I be. Can I buy my dirty diaper off you? I got a guy. No, I don't know, whatever. I let her sniff my pinky.

That was the closest I had. But, yeah, she wanted to see the dump. I got a couple other things here. I got some more stuff as well. Well, I didn't tell you about this. This was six months ago, but I didn't tell it in the last pod. Please. So we got to Dave Matthews band, which I think we mentioned.

We left eight songs in. That's a legend, this guy. Do we not talk about this? No, I don't remember DMB. Are you sure? I thought we'd talk. about this a little bit. I think I would remember a little Matthew.

Well, whatever, we went to Dave Matthews band. We left fucking after eight songs because the traffic. We were an hour away. The baby wakes up early. And you've seen the guy 75 times over 50 years. I've never seen him. That's a hell of a show. That's what I hear.

Well, so we go there. And... Mrs. Terry had the memory positively. Why it's a time. Oh, baby. You got one of the worst voices in the history of voices. That's what I've heard. It's really, really bad.

Well, I'm not a singer. Yikes, my God. I mean, I'm not a singer, but I don't sound like that. Well, I upped it a little. I went curb with the frog on your ass. Oh, I thought you were, it sounded like a... I wasn't trying. I see.

That's here you try. Nah, I can't do it. I don't know the lyrics. To me, he just sings in tongues, this guy. Then I look up the lyrics. I'm like, oh, shit, satellite. I didn't know idea he said that. Well, he talks also, like, he talks like Adam Sandler.

His, like, rock talk. Between songs, he does like a... Oh, it's good to see you. Thank you very much. Scooby-boo. It's crazy. Yeah, it's more like that. It's like...

Oh, no. With, thank you. They look beautiful. I'm doing like an Elvis, but it sounds more sandlery. Interesting. Ojo, boo-ju. It's really fucking horrible. He's an odd guy.

What is he? Is he Massachusetts? No, he's South African. What? Virginia. They're from Virginia. He went to UVA. South Africa.

Charlottesville. They're a big Charlottesville band. But I believe he's Southwestville. Africa. Oh, that would make sense because he sounds like a fucking doofus. Yeah, he's got a weird thing, but a wonderful singing voice, but he's a strange bird. He is, and half his band is black, which explains the Africa. The whole damn band is white, except for Jimmy.

What do you got there? Born in South Africa. When did he move to America? 1986. 86. How old was it? He must have been 20? No, not 20.

15? 19. No, I was close. Okay. How about that? South African. Like Sarah. And Elon.

Elon, Sarah, that Morgan Freeman guy. What's his name? Morgan Freeman. You know, the guy that was in jail and got out. You know the one. O.J.? Nelson Mandela. Oh, got it.

That was a Mandela effect. So anyways, so we go to see the show. Now, I'm from the 90s. The show's 7.30 p.m. I don't even think. I just think, well, we'll get there at 8 o'clock. They probably come out at 9. I'm used to, I forget that we're old now.

And this is a gig in New Hampshire, which Seinfeld just played this venue. It's an outdoor venue up in, like, Laconia, New Hampshire, way up in the lake. How many seats you think? Oh, here we go again with the... I don't know. $10,000, maybe, 11. I'm thinking... That's a whopper.

8,000? I don't know. We can probably get a reading on that. Somewhere around 10, 11,000, I think. It's a shed. It's called the Bank of America, New Hampshire. Bank of America, New Hampshire Pavilion. Great artist name there.

I mean, that's everything now. But we say that, but also Wrigley Field is named after Wrigley Gump. Yeah. It's a gum. Or the guy that created it anyways. 11,000? 9,000. 9,000.

9, 11. Never forget. And Seinfeld just did it. Hey, good for the sign. He still packs a punch. So any farts, we're going up there. And I'm thinking, yeah, we'll get there at 7.50. Probably they come out.

Because rock stars, you know, they come out late. I've been seeing Pearl Jam my whole life. They come out at 855. Guns and Roses comes out at 10 o'clock at night. No opener? There was no opener, which is the fuck up. So we get up there. It's like 7.30.

We're pulling up. I'm like, why is there no traffic here? Oh, boy. I go, what the hell's going on here? We just breeze through, and it's a weird area because it's the middle of New Hampshire. It's like, it's not a city. No. It's a lake and a thing, and we're driving, and I go, all right.

And then it's one of these weird things where I'm like, where the fuck is the parking lot? It's in the woods. So I'm taking a street And there's a sign that says like parking this way And there's not a bit of traffic No cars And so then I have the thing You know I got a two year old

So my brain's all mushy I'm like are we here in the wrong nights Did I fuck up? Sure And finally we're driving down this street And there's like one other car over there And then there's a big thing A little sandwich board

I see a bunch of cars parked in grass And there's a sandwich board that says Crew parking Okay It's like okay we must be getting close So I drive past that, and maybe, I'm going to say 100 feet later, there's another entrance to this parking lot. Okay. So I pull right in.

And this old man, long beard, Santa Claus Zizi top beard. Sure. Goes, hey, what the fuck are you doing? The fuck is this? Hmm. And I go... Have you said black woman? I stop.

I go, what? I go, oh, like, right away, I'm like, all right, obviously, this is wrong. Yeah. He's got an orange cone. He throws it in front of him. running my car, and he's like, he's doing this. Oh, geez. And I go, all right, sorry. He goes, what the fuck are you thinking? What is this?

Geez, I hope you're wearing your helmet. I rolled in the window. I go, are you all right? Yeah. And he goes, fucking turn around. Oh, fucking New York. Go back to fucking New York. Oh, he got you on the plates. And I go, all right, dude. I'm like, are you, are you okay, sir? What's going on? He's like, does this look like a parking lot? It looks like the woods. I go, yeah, literally. I'm like, I can't tell if you're joking. I go, it's a parking lot. And he's like, you didn't see the sign? You see the sign? I go, well, I saw a sign that said crew parking. It was back there. And then there's another entrance. I thought this is a different entrance. Sure. And he goes, follow the traffic. I go, there is no

traffic. Yeah. There's no cars. I'm the only car. Sure. And he goes, yeah, all right, fuck. I called him wise butt at one point. That made Sarah laugh. I go, okay, wise butt. I forget I was, I wish Sarah was I was here because I forget how it started. It was a month ago. What the fuck did he say? But he literally said, does this look like parking? Yeah. And I go, why are you being so aggressive?

He goes, because you're being a jerk. What did I do? And I'm looking at it. And Sarah gets nervous when I get into these things. Sure, sure. I'm looking at her, like, can I have permission to? And I go, how am I a jerk? He goes, fucking, go back to New York.

Go back to New York. Wow. That's got a prejudice. I'm like, well, first of all, I'm from New England. Right. And I haven't even done anything. Yeah. All I did was pull it.

You could just as easily be like, oh, no, this isn't it. Yeah, exactly. And I'm turning around. It's not like I'm like smashing cars and throwing dog shit at him. And then I was pulling away and he's like, give me the finger. Yeah, he's like doing this. Give me the finger. It was the craziest.

Wow. What's up of these bearded guy? He's supposed to be crunchy, free love with a hacky sack. Well, I think, I don't know. He's sad. And then as I was pulling away, I'm like, I'm sorry about your life and jobs, sir. There you go. That felt pretty good. And then the whole concert, I'm like, what am I going to say when I drive back past this guy?

Yeah. But he's going, follow the traffic. I'm like, literally, there's no traffic. Nothing you're saying makes sense. He's like, does this look like a parking lot? I'm like, there's 300 cars parked here. Right. Wow, what a kook. He's like, you didn't see the sign.

I'm like, I saw the sign, and this is a different, the sign was in front of a driveway. Yeah. This is the next place. Weird. So whatever. He was, that was crazy. Jesus Christ. Boy, you got a face.

Your face is starting a war. Well, they think they can push me around. Yeah, I think you're right. I don't think so. Well, they heard all that Bukaki talk about how you want to get jizzed on. God, do I ever. So we end up going to the real parking lot, and I'm still fuming by hearts racing. Now we find there's a couple cars waiting a lot.

I look, the parking lot is full. There's 50,000 cars. I'm like, oh, boy, we're like late. This is crazy. Yeah, you're missing ants marching. So the guy goes, well, he's one of the, these guys that doesn't play that stuff anymore. It's all like the new shit.

Get out of here with the new shit. I pull up. It's a new world. It's a great Simpsons joke. Jackson Brown goes, I'm going to play a new song. I'm going to play a new song. And he goes, just kidding. So then I get up there.

Now it's like a young kid, like a teenage New Hampshire kid. And they go, just to let you know, I have no idea where you're parking. Oh. Boy, oh boy, Dave Badger's just changed. Back when I was bagging, that was a, it was melody, free love, good time vibes. Well, these guys work for the venue. These are just New Hampshire maniacs. That's a good point.

So I go, okay, and this is after I paid. I paid like $40 or whatever. He goes, I got no idea where you're parking. And I'm like, okay. And then I go, does somebody have an idea where I'm parking? I don't understand. Right. You work here, I don't.

So then the other guy goes, all right, just go that way. Follow this car. I'm like, all right, again, with the fall of the traffic. We're driving. It's just miles of cars. Then we get all the way down to this corner in the woods, mud, and the guy's like, my boss is telling me that he wants you to park over here

and it's like, the land drops off. Like, it's, everyone drives trucks up there. I'm in a Nissan Centra. So I'm like, all right, you think I'll be able to get out of there? He's like, uh, he doesn't go, of course. He's looking like this. I think so.

I don't know if you had the suspension for this. What? And I'm like, okay, well, what do we do? And he's like, well, I think he can get out. I think you'll think you'll be able to. So there's no real answer. This is kooky. And I go, okay, so I park, like, the grass is, like, across the frame of my car,

whatever you call the bottom of the car there. Sure, sure. And we part, and I'm like, I'm looking around, and I'm like, this is going to take us a week to get out of here. We end up parking in this weird spot, go to the show, we watch about eight songs, and he puts his 20-minute jam sessions, and I'm like, let's go ahead and get out of here. So we got a bite on it. We got a feel for the vibes.

Did you buy the, it was an $800 ticket here? I mean, it was like $140 or something like that. And you'd see eight, but this is the thing, it's an hour from the campground. And then the baby at that point was waking up at 5 a.m. Because we were camping. It was all wacky. So you also just want to get out for a little bit and have a time. And I saw the songs.

I get it. All right, eight songs. What does that equal? About an hour? Probably about an hour, plus maybe. All right. That's a lot. That's substantial.

But it's also one of those things where we're like, we're an hour from the campground. and if we wait, it will take us legitimately two hours to get out of this fucking venue. It was like one road out of the woods but it was fun.

How was the people watching? I mean, we get some Birkenstocks, some hemp necklace. What are we talking here? Well, this is always the way too. You get in the row and you're sitting there

and then now we're old and exhausted because literally he's waking up at 5 a.m. It's 10 p.m. So I'm like sitting during a slow song and I feel like a jackass sitting during a concert and this lady comes over.

She's two seats down. She goes, I got to ask. You're Joe List, right? Hey. And I go, yeah, she goes, my husband's the biggest Tuesday ever. And I feel like a schmuck, because I'm like sitting like this at the concert. Like, oh, I just want to rest.

And I'm like, oh, God, now I feel like I have to be. Yes, yes. Oh, the next song, I'm like, woo-hoo. Right, because she's watching you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, she's watching me. Watch on the watchers. But anyway, so there was a fan, two seats over.

And, yeah, it was pretty good. It was fun. All right. But the parking guy, I don't know what's going on with that guy. He's got a sad existence. I don't care for that guy. I picture the guy in Lord of the Rings with the long beard and the acts. I don't know why.

I don't know if you've seen the film. I haven't seen the film, but I think I know the guy with the big point of he hat. Yes, yes, the hat. Isn't that what's his name, sir or something? Nah, that's Gandalf. I'm thinking of the guy with the act. Give him a goon. I don't know the X guy.

Lord of the Rings, the X guy. I think his name's like Gargamel or Garifor. It's something macho. How about the people that say the sir earnestly? Yeah. I saw Sir Elton John. Yes We don't just say this, sir

We're Americans Yeah You see Dame Judy Dench Shut up It's Judy Dench Yeah It's the same Duty Dench

Gimley Gimley Gimley There you go Yes Walt Gimley So yeah Wow

We've been seeing Some shows We're living life Oh yeah I'm going to see X and Los Lobos At Town Hall I can't wait

Latin X What's X That's good Latin X That's very good Thank you All right Okay

Now about this Now, you had, I want to give the Afro-Americanis some love, because I feel that we'd come down hard on the browns. We don't come down hard. We joke around. We're joking around. We did the butt of the joke quite a bit. They're coming down on us, by the way. I'm riding my bike.

This lady's telling me she doesn't want to hear my sorry. Stop my sorries in a sack. That's true. I love a good sorry. You want to hear a sorry. She's off. I love a good black. Sure.

There goes two of them right there. Back to back. Back to black. Black Sabbath. All right. So, I'm paranoid. But, uh... There goes a war pig.

Ha ha ha ha. Uh, all right, this is a crazy train. But... So, uh, later, we'll get on one. So, wait, what the hell is I talking about? Oh, on a happy black. So, uh, I go, you know, the wife is sick. She's laid up.

She's got the neurovirus. She's yaking. She's got the bucket by the bed. The bucket by the bed is the nail in the coffin. You're fucked. One of my favorite novels, Bucket by the bed. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, he's good.

So it's got the bucket by the bed. She's like, I need this, I need that, and the baby needs this, the baby needs that. So I'm like, okay, let me take the baby. I'm on full duty. Let me take the baby. We'll go to the grocery store. She needs pediolite. The baby needs coconut water, whatever the fuck it is.

So I go out there, and I'm looking at the coconut water because I googled this is good for dehydration. Okay. I don't know. I don't care for the stuff. You ever drink it? I'm drinking coconut water like in Hawaii from a coconut. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I know the box of coconut water.

I don't really care. You might like it. It tastes like semen. Okay. So. Throw my back. I'm up on the shelf. I got the baby here.

I'm a cunt in the grocery store because I don't like to get the basket. I just go in and get shit and I'm this guy. Uh-huh. I don't know if that's an ego thing or a man thing. Like, I can handle it. Yeah, you feel like a homo with the basket. I hate the basket. So a basket case.

So I'm reaching for the coconut. And now there's chocolate coconut water. which I didn't know about. So I'm reaching, and one of the chocolate coconuts falls off the top shelf. Bam! Slams on the ground and just sprays, because it's one of these fucking quefy,

hipster cartons that's made out of you know, pubs and hemp. It's like Matt Ruby's shoes. Yes, exactly. Like, Tom's makes the shit, you know? I hate Tombs. So, yeah, suck it, Tom. I had a stick of Tom's deodorant.

People were throwing up every time they saw me. What's that made out of? Muslim snot? I hate that shit. It smells weird. It doesn't work. So the thing slams on the ground. It's like slow motion because I'm in the stop and shop, which is, you know, it's kind of like the black whole foods.

And so I go, okay, boom, hits the ground and just, it was like spin the bottle. It was pointing directly at a black woman and just nails her with the chocolate milk. Oh, boy. Like, boom. What do you call that? projectile. Projectile chocolate coconut. That's what I called her.

And it hit her. She's wearing a white shirt and white kind of pants, gray pants, just speckled everywhere. Oh, boy. With the brown coconut water. Oh, Jesus. And I go, here it comes. I mean, you know. I want to hear you, sorry?

Yeah, I was waiting. I was like, I'm about to get an earful. I mean, the outfit's ruined. I'm a white guy. I'm gentrifying. I'm a slave owner, whatever it is. I'm like, here it comes. Talking about you, Chuck.

Huh? Oh, yeah. So then she goes, ah, what are you going to do? And I was like, Wow. Well, let me get you some paper towel. Let me get you some paper towel. She's like, ah, I got some.

And I go, uh, no, no, no. I'm panicking. I'm like, no, I run to the front. I leave the baby. I run to the front desk. I drop everything. I have all the registers. I find a roll of paper towels randomly. I come back with the roll.

I'm like, here you go. I give her 80 bucks. I blow her out. I get some grape soda and some cool cigarettes. Exactly. Some menthol. Yeah, I gave her some cognac and Hennessy. Yeah.

And she was like, no, that's fine. It's coming out. Look at it. It's coming out. And I was like, okay. I was like, can I buy your groceries? Can I put you in the United Negro College Fund, whatever you need? And she was like, no, I'm good.

And that was it. I left. Wow. I was terrified. But no, it's, you can't. Well, here's the thing. You got that baby. This is why I really treasure having a child because you get wonderful attention.

Everyone's smiling, winking, high-fiving. They're happy to see you. They give you leniency. It's unbelievable. Actually, having a child in New York City has given me hope for humanity. Wow. Because everybody, every Tom Dick and Harry holds the door, lets you go in front of them. They go, I know, you get head nods.

They hand you stuff. It's a very special feeling. You got a baby. She's thinking, this is a retarded guy. He's obviously never been on his own with the child before. He didn't mean to spill milk. He's got a small dick. He's half gay.

Yeah, exactly. If it was just you, she would have called the police. Well, maybe not the police, but she would have called somebody on you. Ice, I don't know. But yeah, I think you got something there because who gets better treatment in the world than a pregnant lady? Take my seat How about a free dessert You want an upgrade on this flight

Everywhere I go When my wife was pregnant I was I was like I was with Queen of England Yeah Let her go forward What are you crazy Take my seat man You know

Same with the baby You got the baby They go You guys go Go ahead We don't care It's quite delightful It's quite delightful

And I'll throw you another one Fannie just to prove your point I've been opening my sets With so my baby My baby And I can tell I'm more in You know

you don't have to earn it as much. They're like, oh, he's all right. He's got a baby. There's a subconscious there. No, people get it. And I'm texting everybody I know four and five days after they wrote to me. I'm like, I'm sorry, the baby. And they're like, hey, no problem.

That's the other thing. I can't imagine. Right, right. You're like, ah, it's pretty great, actually. It's kind of like, it's a little off, but that Alec Baldwin's seen in The Departed where he's like, yeah, you get married. People know someone can stand you for a day. You're not a fag.

Yeah. Same with a baby. Like, people know you're decent. I guess even though you might not be Yeah, a lot of horrible parents out there That's true Guilty So yeah

So I got out of there It's got free, I couldn't believe it This lady looked like she got hit with a fucking You know when the bank The bank robbers leave And the shit explodes She looked like that I was like that sound

Love that sound They got as a name for that That case of cash That pops Ink pop Ink pop Inkblot Ink something

Ink, inky I know ink No crazy ink. One of the pink, one on the ink? I can't remember. But, yeah, so got out of there. Now, how much time we got? Because I got one more little nugget.

Four minutes. Yeah, I'll nugget it up. I'll nugget it up. Chicken nugget. DiPack. Die pack. Yeah, I think that's my Indian neighbor. So, this is one of the all-time head scratchers.

What is? What I'm about to tell you. Oh, okay. I can't wait. I didn't die pack And I was like, I'm not all time But I didn't get it So I'm walking down in Soho

I got the hobo clocked On my on the street So hobo Yeah So I got the hobo 10 feet away I'm walking towards him And I go oh god

But he's out of it He's one of these like tranquilized hobos He's just kind of like this He's leaning up against scaffolding like that And I go ah this guy's no problem So let me walk past him He's staring at the ground So I'm like he's probably

cracked out on something, fentanyl. I looked down, like, what the hell is he looking at? There's a $100 bill at his foot. A $100 bill, not a $1, not a $20, a $1,000, a sawbuck. A C-note. Z-note. So I go, your first thought is like, oh, my God, it's a $100 bill on the ground.

You know, I go full Greenberg. Well, you, I picture drop kicking him in the chest and taking it, shoving your asshole and running. Well, that's my first instinct, but then I go, no, this is too easy. This is a set-up. It's got a fishing rod. What's his name? Johnny Knoxville on the other end of the road. Hey, my name is Mark Norr.

Welcome to Jackass. So I go, this is crazy. I'm going to go for this fucking C-note, and he's going to hit me with a wrench. Right. So I just keep walking. But what do you make of that? Oh, that's the whole story? He's just staring at it.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should take it. I know if I should go, hey, you got you getting this? You need a hand? What do I do here? I would have picked it up, ripped it in half, giving him half and taking the other half. That's not bad.

Everybody wins. No, I don't know. I mean, it feels like you might have been on one of those shows. Do the right thing or whatever it's called. The Jokers. Yeah, one of those shows where they do the thing or, or like I said, it's attached to a fishing line and you go to get it. It's like, then you chase it. I scanned the area.

There wasn't a van with a camera. There wasn't three Puerto Rican guys going, can you believe it? You know, there was none of that. And I looked around, no fishing line, no nothing. It was just a hobo staring at a hundred. Well, Soho, I'm sure hundreds are dropped all the time. That's a very uppity, super rich neighborhood. I guess so.

The richest. Maybe you're right. Maybe it was a setup, like a show. But easily, you know, you could have Mary Kate and Ashley Olson or Heath Ledger walking around dropping hundreds. Not likely with the sucking guy. Yeah, I know what you mean. So I just kept walking.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done to leave that, but I didn't trust this guy. Yeah, well, I hope he got it. I hope so, because the guy could barely, he was frozen in fentanyl. Of all the neighborhood, I feel like you're not going to get a lot of help in Soho. It was right off Houston and Lafayette area. Okay, yeah, it feels like if you're a hobo, you got to get out of there, because they'll shoot you. It's all, soho's, you know, high-end, everything. I feel like that they got security and all that stuff.

They'll come in and cuff you. Yeah. Well, if I would have had my helmet, I could have just gotten in there, taking it and taking the hit. Yeah, well, next time. Next time. So, yeah, this city is full of surprises, twist and turns. You never know what a hobo is going to have money on them. All right, let's do some plugs here.

Plug it up. Hold on. People, they don't listen to the plugs. It hurts my feelings. Hair plugs. Here we go, hair plugs. Hair plugs. All right, Austin, September 5th through the 7th, mothership.

That's going to be a good time. That's going to sell out like that. Oh, yeah. It hasn't already. Luke Bonas is down there. Karen's in town. Sarah will be there, the baby. We got a gang out there.

That's going to be a good-ass time. Denver Comedy Works September 11th through the 13th. Fill that thing up, for God's sakes. How about this? I'm staying in Austin until Tuesday. Flying back, but I forgot I have to do Denver a day early to do media. So I'm home for 20 hours.

What? Yeah. What is this? 1981? Well, I offered, and they were like, all right, we'll take it. You offered? I know. What the hell?

Nick Offerman. Well, I got to keep people in my good graces. Vice versa. Omaha this weekend, I believe. Right? No. Omaha was last weekend. Fuck me.

Boy, take it. You got a good agent. These are top-notch clubs you can cook it on, Faddy. And Omaha. I like Omaha. Oh, I love it. I love Colleen. I don't hit there, though.

I don't sell tickets in Omaha. I mean, I sell like, you know, 200. I don't sell a thousand. Anyways, Fat Black Pussy Cat. I'm doing an hour there on the 21st of September. That's fun. August 27th. I'm doing the show at Sesh. That's always fun. Oh, killer. And also August 27th, the Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian comes out. It's going to be on Punch Up Live.com for like five bucks, I believe.

That's a steal. Steal of the century. Totally worth it. Tearjerker, funny, interesting, poignant, great flick. And there's a shitload of bonuses. I did an audio commentary yesterday, deleted scenes. Tom stand up. So go to the extra three bucks and get all the goodies. And Tom's hilarious, so you're going to want to check out that comedy. I told you, Bill Burr text me. He's like, I can't stop thinking about this movie. Wow, put that on the box.

I might put it right in the box. Do they do the box? No box. No box. Okay. And join the Patreon, for God's sakes. We have children. Yes, yes.

I'm all over the road. Coming to Boulder, Colorado, Baltimore, Huntsville, Hattiesburg, San Jose, San Diego, District of Columbia, D.C. Chocolate. it. Some other dates. Mark Normancombe.com. Mark Norman Punchup,

buy some bodega cat, and some big, big things in the works. Oh, baby. I'm just putting out seeds. I'm planting. I love a plant. A plant, I got a piss.

What do you got there? Juckles. Check out my podcast. Funbearable. We have new merch, which is Narragansett beer and a fun bearable collaboration. Hot dog?

It's the hot dog can. Oh, God. It's the hot dog can. There's a big run. running joke in the podcast. You'll have to watch it. It sounds like a hot dog? It sounds like Tom's. Yeah, Narragansett beer made the can for us. They offered. Fun.

And inside of it is a hot dog scented candle. Now, is this Steve Dave on the front? No, that's Brad. That's my buddy. I know. I'm sorry. I know Brad. I thought he died. Yeah. All right. Well, yeah. Good stuff. Very, you know, big thanks to Narragansett. But check out funbearablepod.com for the live show where we announced this and blah, blah, blah.

I got a peat. Thank you. See you to help. Thank you.