Tuesdays with Stories! - #620 Soder Arabia

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

Ubers stink! Mark does Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden for Netflix! Joe gets into his first bike accident and barely survives the ordeal! Joe has a fart attack. Mark gets accosted on a train by a disbeliever and gives him a taste of his own medicine! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Support the show and get 20% off sitewide at https://www.buyraycon.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 for shipping. Use promo code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS and use code TUESDAYS and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Ha! Hey, hey, folks, here we are. We're back. We're back, baby. I think we need to mix it up, like as scandals and animals. Remember Kramer? Yeah.

I should sit on your shoulders, or we have Chuck on camera, just getting Chuck. Or, like, you know, we read, we switch spots, new couch. Yeah, where are the cameras? Well, we switch studios eight times. We've switched more than genders. It's crazy. We're up, down, left, right, with different boroughs. I'd like to wife swap sometime

I think that would be fun Not you and me Just that's too awkward Yeah we know each other But like you know somebody Just whoever Zan Hathaway married I'd like to swap with him

Yeah that'd be fun He's pretty hot Evidently Do you know this movie Chuck you might have to look this up Matt Wayne was telling me about it There's a movie It's called sex drugs and rock and roll

Something something something Oh yeah And she's nude the whole time It's her and Jillenhall Sex lies and videotape No no that's too old That wasn't Hathaway that was the other guy.

There's a really naked Hathaway movie where she like masturbates and stuff like that. He said Hathaway's nude, 100% of the film. It's her and Jillen Hall. It's an old 90s indie flick or something. I mean, she's naked and broke back. That's why I watch it so much. Maybe not 90s because she's probably 11 in the 90s.

Hey, pull it up. What's it called? Radio, video, and... Kill the movie star. Keep keep talking. I'm going to find it. I'll throw it to you. But she's just naked.

I haven't seen this film yet. He said, it's not so great, but she's just nude. Who cares? Jillyn Hall and Hathaway. Just do that. A couple of hunks. Yeah, they're both hot. And I'll jerk off to Jillyn Hall.

Sure, sure. It's the movie that I'm thinking of is called Havoc. No, it's insane. No, it's not. It's something and something. Havik and Stevens or Big J and Silent Bob. There's another guy. You've got an Asian guy and a black guy, both peering in the window, walking around,

wandering around with clubs. I think my wife's in heat. Oh, boy. This guy's got gloves on. Chuck, you might have to go talk to this guy. This looks like trouble. He can't figure out the gate. We can't send Chuck out there. He'll kill him. Uh-oh. He's coming in, Chuck. Get in there.

What? Chuck, go talk to the guy. Put the phone down. Loving. Loving something. Love and other drugs. Loving other drugs. That's it. Thank you. Ask him when Ozana Hathaway. There's a man out here wearing gloves like he's going to assassinate us.

It's like the departed. Oh, is it a trash guy? I don't know. He looks like he could be a trash person. White trash. He hasn't come back. Oh. Asian people do the can't think.

No, this is a. a black guy. He's at the door. He's like literally down there. He's got like he's not like a hobo. He's got like a job for sure. He has two purple rubber gloves on. And Hathaway. Those cans are unreal. Unreal cans.

I can just hear Chuck saying I don't live here. We have a real incident happening here. This is bad. There's a man with a big... He'll kill Chuck. I did hire a guy. Broe a thing. He still doesn't come out. What did he say? Did you order cleaners? Oh, yeah. Okay. One of them down here?

Is your wife here? Yeah. Oh, she's here. Oh, tell him to go upstairs. I'll text her. I thought she was here. Uh-oh. Tell him to go upstairs.

Oh, good. Tell him to vacuum. Get behind the couch. A black male cleaner. I've never seen that in my life. I'm not good. Yeah, times are changing. I've only ever seen, like, Guatemalan Mexican women. Yeah, that's what I prefer.

I don't care for the black male. You have a black man in your house with your wife cleaning. Well, she hired him, so that makes sense. sets. Wow. She must have done like, they must have had headshots. He's a cute kid, too. I got to have to smell that glove. Oh, my God. He's a good looking fella. He's like quite handsome.

Folks, at home, I'm sorry. There is a handsome African-American fit man. He's a hunk. About to clean the home with your wife up there. Oh, great. Isn't it crazy how just, I try to do a joke about this. You're going to wife swap.

You go to the zoo, you look at the giraffes. You go to the zoo, you look at the giraffes. They all look like giraffes. That's true. Human beings, you've got hunchbacks, fatties, muslies, tall skin. I've thought about this. You have Rupert and Carmen Lynch. Well, here's my counter.

You never go to, like, the zoo, and you see a fucking 380-foot-pound giraffe and a skinny giraffe, and a giraffe with a limp. Well, one for what? The guy wants to clean. Yeah. Told him to go upstairs. That gate door is locked. Oh, we'll just tell them to come in here. Okay.

Coming this way. All right. All right, then we're done. You're really putting Chuck to work here. Oh, what are you talking about Starbucks? Well, Starbucks run at least as associated with the podcast. Well, so is this. We're on the air.

I'm like, you got him running errands for you here. So you. But coffee, that's like a normal, like, hey, we need coffee. I think this is easier. This is easier than Starbucks. Easier. He's going outside and talking to the guy. He's going upstairs, downstairs, come down here.

You got him a housemills. I bought him a coffee, though. You got to order up a coffee. Well, that's different. I'll get him a cleaning. I mean, where the hell is your wife? I don't get it. I think she's upstairs.

It's a big, big home. That's true. Big home, big home. But doesn't she know that he's coming? 12.08. Hey, I thought of a good thing, by the way. Oh, what about the giraffe? Hold on, hold on.

He's black. It's 1208. He puts the late in chocolate. Is that good? That's something, yeah. This motherfucker put the late in chocolate. I like that. That could be a good lie for a black person.

Save that for a rap battle. Shee, you put the late in chocolate. That's big. Chuck, what do you think about this? He was supposed to be here at noon. It's 1208. This motherfucker put the late in chocolate. That's great. There you see?

That's good. All right. Chuck, which is worse? Going to get coffee and I offer to buy you coffee. You've got to pick it up. It's right down the street. It's ready. Or going to...

Going right outside to the street and talking to one guy. Confronting an African-American stranger. Tell him to go upstairs, downstairs. Let him in. Let him out. Let him up. Let him in. Vacuum.

There is an African-American at Starbucks. He's dealing with. well. So they don't throw the Afro in there. I was just there. It was a whitey. Wow, that's the first. The neighborhood's changing. No, no. She was transferred in. I can't pick between you, too. Both of them are a lot of fun. Okay, okay. Mine's much easier. Maybe a Starbucks run would be good. That's true. I could use a cookie. Anyways, you put the late chocolate. Late chocolate. That's good. And then I had that other good one I texted you. Oh, you can't use that one on here. Great soul food menu item.

Yeah. It ends with peas. N-words involved. N-word peas. You know, like, please, but peas. And then now you put that on your soul food. That's good. I got some good, I got to write for a black guy. Write these down.

I need to find a black comic with bad material that I could write for. That's true. That's hard to come there. They're out there. They go long. She, you put the latent chocolate. I like it. Is this bad?

Am I going to get canceled? Probably. No, you're fine. We've got a black cleaner. We're hiring. Yeah, you're paying a black man to clean your home. Yeah, the tables are. of turd. That's pretty good. They used to be free.

Now... Whoa. Uh-oh. Back to the giraffes. So giraffe. I got a thought about this, because I've had the same idea. Dogs, Jerry. Dogs are the... You've got a poodle and then you got a Shih Tzu, then you got a pug, and then you got a bulldog, and then you got a collie. But those are different breeds, though. You're not going to see a German shepherd

that's six feet tall and a German shepherd that's one foot tall. Sure, different breeds. Like, you can have a child or you can have a black guy or a white guy or a Mexican guy. But I'm talking the physicality. Yeah, it's true. Hunchback, wacky back. I think we're all eating different shit. The giraffes are all eating that one leaf up on the branch.

That's what it is. You're eating chocolate brownies and he's eating ass. That's a good point. It's a whole different diet. You look the same after the brownie and the ass with the lips and the chocolate late. That is a good point. What are you doing, Chuck? Chuck's putting his hair in a ponytail.

He's got an earpiece. What the fuck is going on? All right. Chuck now has one of these earpieces with the wire that goes down the back. Yeah. Caitlin Collins or something. I know. You were there at the Thomas Matthew Crook shooting.

Sloped roof. All right. So, yeah. Oh, hell, we talked about 19 different things. I had something. And now it's all gone. The black cleaner threw me off. Why is your laughter?

I'm just kidding. I'm distracted. Aaron Glazer. Not Aaron Glazer. What's that guy's name? Rick Glassman is. Fold it down. Fold it down.

It's too much. I got black cleaners and Rick Glassman on the laptop. There's a lot going on. We've got to focus. Ah, shit. What the hell is there. Giraffes. Yeah.

Chocolate late. Cleaner. Wife swap. And Hathaway. Well, Wife Swap's a great show, by the way. And I've seen it. Oh, it's great. But all you can think about is fucking the wife.

Why isn't the guy fucking the wife? And then Chappelle did the sketch. Oh. And nailed it. So that's one of those things you're like, that was right there and he got it. Wouldn't that be exciting, though? You're with the couple, and then you go, all right, that moment of like, we're switching. Yes.

I'll see you tomorrow. Yes. And you go in, you get to know the lay of the land. Oh, wow, you got wacky tits and a silly puss. Right. My wife has silly tits and a wacky puss. It would be such an exciting time. That's true.

I'll talk to her. There you go. I'm sure she's down to swap as well. Rupert's got a wife, right? Is she a heavyweight like him, or what's what she got? really okay cut that yeah you can't talk about the man's

plus size fiance well I don't know her I'm all right Roop are you listening she just had a second child like a week and a half ago oh geez I can't wife swap with a new mom I can't

I'll find somebody anyways what are you up to how you doing this is a hot start if you ask me yeah hold on I had some stuff inward peas is throwing me off that's a funny line That word B's

Put the late in chocolate You know what I like Starbucks better I think thank you Oh come on Thank you spider So How about this one

You ever have this I do a couple sets last night Got it all in I was with a guy A friend of mine And he goes You're going home I go yeah I'm going to go back

To Brooklyn He goes oh I'm driving to Brooklyn And I go Oh And he goes you want to ride And I go sure And I was like hey How about this

Free ride? Get pass up a free ride, New York. This is where you and I are very different. You'd rather the subway? I would take a lift, but I don't want to have to chat with this guy. Well, he's a friend. Oh, it's a friend. I like him. I like it. I like it. He's a good egg.

So I was like, oh, free ride to Brooklyn. Here we go. So then we're over the bridge. And I'm like, hey, this is pretty good. I'm sitting pretty. Hit the traffic. Then you start going, this is actually longer than the train. And then it's pouring out rain, whatever.

So then you go, all right, all right. We're almost there. We're almost there. I'm watching the little E. and then I go, wait, where are you going? And he goes, oh, I'm going to Williamsburg. And I was like, oh, I just assumed he was going to my, like, he would go to my area. Well, that's what I was going to say.

Brooklyn's a massive area. So I fucked up. So now we're in Williamsburg, and he's like, where do you want me to take you around here? I can't, I'm not going to your neighborhood. And I was like, ah, I guess the G, because I'm off the G. And he was like, no problem. So then we put the G in the G's 10 minutes away. So that he was annoyed by that.

We drive to the G. And I'm like, okay, thank you. I get out, it's raining. The G is there. G's canceled. The G's out. Cancel culture. The whole thing's done.

The G is not running. No train's running. It just plastered right on there. The G is never run. I know. I hate the G is the worst train line of all time. G whiz. So now I'm at the G.

It's not running. I'm in the pouring rain. I go, let me check the lift. So now I'm getting a lift from Williamsburg. where I could have just taken the train directly to my home. Yes. Or a lift from wherever. You have multiple options.

I had multiple options. But the free ride was so enticing that I had to take it. But this is why you got to work this stuff out before. You got to say, well, where in Brooklyn are you going? Because that's like saying, hey, I'm going to Missouri. Oh, sweet. Well, I'm going to St. Louis, and you're going to Kansas City. Right, right.

You've got to say, where in Brooklyn are you headed? Yeah. Or you're going to say, hey, I live in so-and-so. You're going anywhere near there. I know. I fucked up. You have a nice convo? We had a great combo.

We had a great chat, but it starts hitting you. Like, oh, this is like an hour and a half excursion now. It's the worst. So I go for the lift, and now I'm like, ah, now I'm taking two car ride. What the fuck am I doing here? And it's raining, and they jack it up. I'm soaked. So all the lifts are like 18 minutes.

Be there in 19 minutes, because it's all surge, Jerry. It's all, they know what they're doing in the rain. It's fucking horrible. Horrible. They gouge you. The citizens. They gouge. But then yellow cabs don't exist anymore.

I'm glad they don't exist because they wouldn't pick up brown people and black people and all that stuff, or they wouldn't go to the out of borough. So they deserve to be out. But the lifts now, they jack it up. So everyone's fucking horrible. Everyone's horrible. I will say that they're not picking up brown people. Most of the cabbies are brown.

Well, different kinds of brown, though. Ah, brown on brown. Yeah. Blonde on blonde. I think, yeah, different strokes for different folks. But I remember, did I tell you this story years ago? This is like 20 years ago. Yeah.

Way back in the day, it was like after some, I don't know, show. It was me and Nate and Dave Smith and Lewis, the whole gang. And Lewis was talking about how we couldn't get cabs won't pick them up. Yeah. And we were like, oh, get out of here. Us white fellas were like, oh, stop it. That's an old wives tale. And he's like, watch this.

So me and Nate, we all hit around the corner. Yep. And Lewis, this is Fat Lewis, stood on 8th Avenue going, hey, whoa, cabs zipping by. I'm talking 25 cabs in a row. Come on. Light on. Don't even look. So then he switches. He goes back and hides.

Nate comes out. Old Red State Nate with the shaved head, the coconut necklace and the fat body. Oh, yeah, yeah, bad necklace. He goes to put his hand out, 14 cabs up on the sidewalk. It's like a sketch. We couldn't believe it. We were like, wow, it's real. And that's just Lewis.

He's like a light skin Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican rattlesnake. Forget about the guys with the big fro, the guy cleaning your house right now. I think I couldn't get a cab with a $100 bill tape to his forehead. Well, I'm hiring the man. I'm trying to sway the, sweep the scales there. That's good on you. But Lewis had a bad look.

He had a bad attitude. He had a bad mug. He had a bad stash. He had that little cheese stash, and he's holding a knife. His dad was killed. I don't know. I would be weary as well. Well, I think part of it, too, is the cat.

I'm not defending racism here, but they know the neighborhood is probably going to be far away. And they want short. They want short affairs. Yes, yes. That's how they make their money. Because I would have this a lot, too. They'd say, where you're going? Which is illegal.

You're not supposed to do that. I'd say, Astoria. And he goes, no, no, no, Astoria. And I'd say, hey, fuck you. And they'd leave. Yep, yep. But so I think a lot of times they were like, this is going to be Brooklyn or Harlem or the Bronx because, you know, that's where these folks are living. Fair.

Well, you know, it's not fair. It's illegal. Well, it was satisfying when Uber came in because you're like, you guys were. for cunts for years. You had us by the balls. You were the monopoly. The only game in town, you yellow cabs, sons of onions. And then Uber was like, hey, they're telling us how much it's going to be. Hey, there's a rating system. Hey, you don't have to tip at the beginning. And you'd have to tip. So it's like, hey, this is a game changer. It's like when FedEx came in. You're like, fuck you post office. This guy's not calling me a homo and yelling at me. Right. So then Uber now is

the dominant. But now Uber sucks. Now the guy's on the phone. He's turning. into a cab. He's got the B-O. He's on the phone yelling, hello, but-de-go, but-ca-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c. And then he's got the seat lean back, and he's got the music blaring, and you're like, well, now we're just back in cab, and I've got to tip you. Right. So it's funny how that works. Yeah, it all goes around. But they do also have, you can request no talk now, Wyatt Cab. That's nice. You can request more room, no music, whatever. I think you can start to request more, which is exciting. You know, it's the best is when you get the, your driver is hard of hearing. I'm like, whoo, deaf comedy jam. Give me that

deaf motherfucker. And nobody's chatting in here. Where you headed? Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, that's always exciting. Hearing aids. Am I fearing aids? Cat. Metalla something. That whole thing makes no sense. That whole section of the thing. It's like, all of a sudden he can just get tickets. He's just going to get them Metallica tickets? Why don't you get him to a concert?

We're talking about Seinfeld, of course. And Elaine offends the limo driver. And Jerry's like, why don't you get him tickets? And Kramer's like, how about Metallic? She just gets some Metallica tickets? Yeah, it was a weird back and forth. You know, I thought of a fun flaw in The Godfather. Randomly.

I wasn't even watching it. The wolf of plot holes. Well, there's a moment in the Godfather, of course, famous, where they kill Lucabrotsi, and they're sitting around, and then Sonny gets a pack. from the mail. He opens it, and it's a big, it's his bulletproof vest with fish in it. And Sonny goes, what is this? What is this? And Clemenza says, it's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brodsie sleeps with the fishes. And it's like, bong. Why doesn't Sonny know about the sleep with the fishes?

Oh, yeah. He's a big walk. He's like 35 years old. He's in the family. He's living the life. He's never heard this. They've never done this. Right. He's involved in the family. He's the heir of the biggest crime family. He's Sicilian or a Sicilian. Yeah, he's connected. It doesn't really make sense. It's like, obviously, they just need to explain to the audience or whatever. Sonny should have been like, oh, geez, Luca Bratzi. Also, he's like, sleeps with the fishes.

What? I never heard of this shit. I know. That's like a common term. And also, it's a bulletproof vest with fish in it. You don't think it's a message? Yeah. He's like, what the fuck is this?

He's not a mint on the pillow. Like, he knew about the horse head. Right. Everybody knows the horse head. So it doesn't quite make sense. No, no. He should have been like, oh, shit, Luca Baratzi's. did. Yeah, that's a good call. Good call.

They should kick him out of the group, or at least berate him a little bit. You don't know that, you fucking idiot? Come on. Damn, you put the late in chocolate. Hey-hoo! Uh, you see weapons yet? Nah, no, no. Weapons is good. Weapons is big. I see them all over my neighborhood, so I'm covered. It's fun. Weapons is fun. It's a damn fine movie. Sarah and I, so we just had our anniversary. We have two anniversaries, which is fun. What? That sounds like hell.

Well, we got married on the 16th in the courthouse, the city hall business. I see. And then on the 19th. we had the bullshit with Bobby Kelly said some nonsense. That was fun. That was a great time. I appreciate you being there. You were there, right? Yeah, I was there, a lot of dancing.

That was when Nate was still drinking. No. I believe so. I got some photos, and he is pretty tuned up. Maybe you're right. He looked rough. I know he left the wife at home, so that was, you know, it's going to be fun when that happens. He didn't get a cab that night.

Although she's a fun wife. But anyways, I wonder if you'd still come now. Well, he went to Veciones. Did he? yeah wow we had a great time PJ I think so he's at the four seasons still so that was fun he is a loyal friend we did the Ari Shafir show

PJ did for one night told a five minute story and I tell it out of there no one's more loyal he's got Dan Shacky working for him he's got Dustin Jafin out there Nick Novicki he could easily be hanging out he could be hanging out with Michael Jordan

and you know Bill Russell Vladimir Putin. He's got his old gang, I decide. He doesn't return my calls, of course, but... I'm kidding. He texted me the other day. There you go. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Well, it was a golf question. If I text golf stuff, he's right on it. If I'm like, hey, would you mind plugging my thing? He's like... Yeah. But I'm a little dirty, you know. That's true. I guess so.

You could clean it up. Nah. All right. I don't feel like it. Well, I was doing the rhyme in, and we had a couple of tickets on. I couldn't get over that hump, and I texted to old old pal Nate, and I go, hey, hey, fatty.

Anyway, you could just throw a tweet out there, throw a line out, you're the most famous guy on the planet. You're the king of Nashville. And he goes, I can't. I'm doing a show there with all my people, like his minions or whatever you call him. And he's like, we're not even sold out. So I've got to work on that.

I can't help you. That's fair. I responded. Yeah, that's nice. Taxi fair. What was I going to say about old Red State Nate, though? I can't remember why he came up.

Oh, the wedding. The wedding. Oh, so Sarah and I have two anniversary. We got married in the courthouse, and then we went and did an actual wedding thing. So we have, the 19th is like our wedding. Yeah. But the 16th is when we got married, but it was just us. True that.

So the 19th, we had no babysitter. So the 16th, I was like, why don't we celebrate tonight, Saturday night? There you go. You get laid twice. This is smart. It's pretty good. I like it. So we had, what the fuck was that?

That's the black cleaner. The cat just ran down. I think the cat got to look at the cleaner. Ah, yeah. He's a big. races. I'm out of here. He's got Maine Coon right in the name. Yeah, that's a good point. Same breed. So

anyways, Sarah and I, Saturday night, so we text... The name of the breed. I didn't name it. We text... I text Fian, it's Saturday night. So she's around, obviously. Sure, sure. She's not working, so I go, hey, you want to watch the kiddo for a couple hours? She goes, oh, great, I'll be

right over. She comes over, we go to the movies, we walk to the movies, and now, I don't know, I talked about this a lot with movies. Sometimes it's the situation. you know what I mean it's date night you got a babysitter it's for Saturday night the theater was packed by the way wow there's a buzz about these weapons weapons is big so we go over there it's full and it's New York City so there's a lot of people that are like oh shit you got that kind of fun sure sure and we got a big bucket of candy big M&Ms we

smooch on the lips it's the anniversary so you're feeling good yeah and I'll tell you this movie it was magical people were screaming jumping guessing singing oh oh hey and it was just quite a night that's great this is in your hood is my hood yeah that's a lily white well it's manhattan still so people come around there's the five eyes right there and all that stuff and it's quite it's quite diverse all right it's just well-off people of all races i mean this ain't the 80s anymore i didn't know they made it so uh it was a hell of a picture we had a great night and then you have that thing where you're like, you text, you're like, everything good, we're heading back. And then she's like, stay out, be romantic.

But you're like, I'm pretty tired. Yeah. When you get, when you don't drink, you're like, what's up there for what we got to do? What am I got into a finger? We're in our 50s, for God's sakes. Yeah, we're going to an amusement park. It's an escape room. We're done here.

Baby wakes up at six. Then you see, walk home. It's beautiful. It's all lit up. There's water. So you look at the water for a second. You hold hands, but you're like, that. Yeah.

Plus, I want to get laid. Sure. But then you have this. This is the problem with a babysitter you like. You go back to the house. This is why you got to get just a Guatemalan woman or whatever. That's what I do. You go back to the house and it's like, oh, did you hear about this?

Oh, my God. I was looking at this post. It's like 45 minutes of chatting. I'm like, shut up. I get laid once a fucking month. Leave. Kick her to the curb. Or stay and get on the casting couch over there and watch or, you know, throw a finger in my ass.

Pick a camera up, bitch. But you're like, get out of it. So then you finally get laid and the whole thing, and then the baby wakes up five hours late. Now you're exhausted. But a great date night, but you've got to see weapons. Get in there. When you're on the road, go to weapons.

Although you sleep in the theater, I feel like. Nah, that was one time. That was two times. This was Cosby's movie. I think it was the only time. We've been to the movies three times. I think you slept to all three. That's crazy.

Well, let me say this. You know what you need with Karen is the no chit-chat feature. Like an o-ha. Wouldn't that be fun? She's like, ah, and you go, sorry. Yeah, mute. I'd like that with all women, if you know what I mean, these bitches. Except for just Lane Maxwell.

Ironically, the one woman you want to talk, quiet. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, something there. That's not bad. So I've got to talk about Kill Tony. Yes, for God's sakes. Tell me about KT. That was the same night, by the way.

Ah, weapons, yeah. That was at weapons? You were at MSG. Well, first of all, MSG is shooting for Netflix. So they're going long because they want to shoot fat. like Rupert. And they go in log. He shoots the fattest.

And so you're up there for three goddamn hours and change. Cohort or whatever panelist is Matt Rife. Oh, yeah. So I finally get to hang out with Matt. I never hear of Matt Rife, the lore, the handsome, the headset, the crowdwork, the arenas. What's this guy up to? So I get to pick his brain a little bit. That's fun.

Yeah, it turns out we connected on. sleeping pills. The guy can't sleep. We're the same drug. No kidding. How about that? That's pretty good. Blutechew. So it's called Syracquil. Sarah Quill. I've tried everything. Yeah.

Saracquil-a-mage. I tried everything. And I tried melatonin. I tried heroin. I've tried everything. Nothing worked. This works. So I'm sticking with it. All right. I've already gotten 20,000 DMs. It's horrible for it. You're going to rot your brain. You know how people do. Yeah. Doesn't seem great. Nah, I'm sure it's not.

But, uh, well, What was I talking about? I'm just kidding. All right, so I get to chumming up with Matt Wright. By the way, talking to Matt Rife, you feel like a ghoul. You know, he's tall, he's handsome, he's jacked. He's one of these guys where you do this, and it's all just puffy, hard muskel. Been there.

Yeah. So I'm like, oh, you're already feeling just inadequate talking to the guy. But isn't he like 10 years younger than you? Probably. He's probably 34. Give that a goog. Let's take a guess. I think I just suck

because I watched a 14-minute video of him on stage with Dane Cook at the arena You rub one out? It went on a long time I think he's younger than that Sub 30 Oh my God

Yeah Because he sent Dane a message In 2015 He was 15 So he's got to be like I think he's like 25 26 Gee well he's got the world

By the short and curleys He's 29 29 That's pretty wild He's got one year left there Rifee until it's all over He bought the Conjuring House recently

And he bought like 80 acres in Rhode Island To build a sound stage Oh maybe it was 2011 He was at Dane Cook's show in 2011 And was like 15 years old Wow well pretty cool to write a guy At 15 and then the guy

Then you start opening for the guy And then the guy brings you out for your big whatever Yeah I didn't know him and Dane were boys It's crazy And then they're just like on stage together In hockey jerseys he broke a record He saw him in the arena He emailed him

And then there's a funny moment where he's like, my dream is to be on Comedy Central and they're both like, we could buy Comedy Central now. I actually felt bad for Comedy Central. I was like, oh, this is sad. But it's also fun because he was the hot guy. Dane was the sexy, young, cool guy, and now Matt Rive, they're very similar.

Right. Although I have to give the, I don't, and I don't mean this disparagingly to Matt Rive, but Dane's a funnier guy, in my opinion. Well, you know, to each his anal. I've actually not watched a lot of, Rife's content. I've watched a bit.

Okay. It's very funny. Also, Dane, I don't think, did crowdwork. No. So he was more of a straight shooter with the material. Oh, yeah. Dane's stuff is some of the best. I don't say this to take away from Rifee Pooh.

I'd say this to lift up old Danny do. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, good on you both, but whatever. So I'm in the bowels of MSG, and it's a buzz in the air. This show's got a buzz. Of course it's a buzz. MSG. That's insane.

It's insane. So I'm trying not to let the bullshit evil brain take over. What are you crazy? You're going out there with no script, 20,000 people, Netflix. You're going to have a meltdown. You're going to have a panic attack. What are you talking next? You're sitting next to the hottest man in the world.

He's the 29-year-old conjuring. You're fucked. You know, the evil's slipping in. You know what does? Yes. Well, we've talked about this before with Kill Tony. It's, there's no, you don't have an act. Yes.

You don't have anything because you're like, I might not. come up with anything. Of course. It's all off the dome, the Iron Dome. And there's 50,000 people, and you're like, ah, and then, like I said before, we talked about it, like, sometimes you're like, I got something horribly awful and mean to say, but this is just a nice person trying to do comedy. I know.

So it's hard to be like, hey, you fat piece of shit, homo. Yeah. And then after the show, they're like, I really, you're my favorite comic. I know. I'm so sorry. I had a moment like that, too. So I'm like, can we edit that? Right.

The editing turnaround. It's coming out like Tuesday. So is Chuck. That's unbelievable. It's coming out Tuesday, and I'm like, that was a three-hour show. What are they going to keep? What are they going to cut? I have no pull and juice, whatever.

So it's all very loosey-goosey. It's one of these things where the shows at seven, I show up to the guard at like 615, and I can't get in. They're like, we got you nowhere on the list, and I'm like, now people like, Tuesday, oh-ho, photo. I'm in the line with all these mooks from Long Island and Jersey. It's a total bridge and tunnel fest. And I'm like, hey, all right, and I'm sweating, you know. I'm like, I swear, I'm on the panel. I'm on the stage, you know, Jerry.

Like, I'm in the show, and they're like, we never heard of you. And I'm like texting Tony, he's busy, getting blown by, you know, Rogan. So I'm like, fuck, what do I do? Finally, I get a hold of a guy and they have to, like, come down there. I'm like, you don't have me on the list? They're like, yeah, we forgot.

It's all very wackadoo. I feel like this happens all the time and all the years. I've been opening for big people doing big things. It always feels that way. You're like, hi, I'm opening for Shane at the Greek. Yeah. I don't think so. And I'm like, I swear.

And then you're like showing a text, but I could just put Shane Gillis under my cousin's name and go, look at it. Shane Torres. Yeah, exactly. Yikes. So, yeah, so I finally get in. Now it's like 6.48. You know, the show's in 12 minutes. And I talked to Rife, whatever.

We have a great time. Show went good. But here's the problem. I'm cooking. I got the evil out of the brain. I pushed it down. I said, shut up. You're going in.

I had a gay pep talk in the bathroom with my. in the mirror. That was embarrassing. Like, you got this. You're going to be fine. Shut up. I accepted, as Alan would say. Just accept. You're nervous. You're nervous. Accept it. Pushed through. So I go out there. It's fun. Matt Rive's hot. The comics are fun. We do a good job, but I got to tell you, Fatty, three hours. That's a lot of dome time. And at about an hour 52, I just kind of, I'm out. I'm out of gas. I've been there. it's too long and look I appreciate him having me it's an honor it's on Netflix it's cool it's a great credit it's a huge show but boy that you yeah I just started drinking I told the the hot broad there whatever it is I was like yeah she's very nice Heidi I was like you gotta give me a vodka soda I got like I got a kick in high gear right and then you start having some real lobs out there like big bomb the Indian guy came up who stunk and I went what is a Zoran bomb Donnie And the crowd's like, who?

They didn't get that. And I had a couple of stinkers in a row. And then I had a back and forth with a guy that wasn't pretty. And so you leave really defeated. Well, here's what I try to do when I'm on Kiltone. Please. I've done it a few times. And hopefully again at some point.

But you have to go, I'm not the show. Because in your mind, you're like, everybody hates me. I'm bombing. This is a horrible episode. Yeah. But you're just a small little piece. Tony's the stunt. I feel like you're on the show

the whole time. You are, but so is Kramer, but he's not the whole show. I guess. So is you know, uh, fucking John Elway, but he's not the Broncos. I see. You can bomb and still have, there's a person next to you. Rife has to do well. Yeah. The comics are such a

huge part of the show there. Tony's a huge part. Red band. He's got the sound effects. Tony shits on him. The crowd work. The crowd is a part of it. So you're already a small piece. But in your brain, you get conflated into this moment of like, I'm bombing, I'm ruining the episode,

this episode sucks, I can't believe how bad this is. But like with Rogan, it is just you. That's it. Although he's the host. He's got to bring something out. It's his job to make it work. But I don't know. I think it's important to remember that that you're like,

you're a sliver of the show. Because Tony's like 40% of the show. Oh, yeah. The comics are 40%. And you and Rife are each tip. Yeah, that's a great. great note. I need your little tiny mouth in my head saying that

at about two hour point. I think it would fit in your ear hole. Probably in my dick hole. God willing. At least around your dickle. Yeah. But yeah, so Tony carries it, but then don't you feel guilty? Like, Tony's doing all the work. Redband doesn't talk. Yeah, but he's like a punching bag for Tony

in a weird way. That's true, and he's got the sounds. But I'm like, am I letting him down? I'm not saying enough. Am I a waste of a guest? But then I've watched a few episodes. And some of the guests say four words in two hours. Yeah, so you've got to think you're never going to be the word. There's no way you're the worst. No, I don't, I'm not saying I'm the worst, but you want to be good.

You want to bring it. Of course. He's nice enough to have me. You want to prove yourself, but it's all pipes. That's what I'm saying. In your head, you've got to remind yourself, no matter what I do, there's no way it's going to be like, did you see how bad Norman was? That's what I'm thinking there. That's what I'm saying. Deadline.

Norman Stiggs. Deadline. I never heard of it. it. Yeah, no one has. But so, yeah, so it was fine. And of course, of course, we go to the after party, and I'm shit house, because I just got to, like, get through that, just turn my brain off. Where's the after party? A rooftop bar, Skylark, Midtowns. The Buick Skylock. Very nice. And this guy comes drunk guy, Rando, he's like, dude, Long Island guy, he's like, you were funny as hell, you were great. Petered off at the end.

Notice you didn't say much. And I'm like, who are you? My brain? Where'd this guy come from? And he's like, then you had that weird thing with that guy at the end. That was weird. Like, everything I thought, he just regurgitated right to me. Well, that's what they do.

They love to do that. Hey, didn't you used to have a bigger debt? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I lost an inch and an accident, a lawnmower. But yeah, so that was fun. That was classic. Just boom. I finally got over it.

But this is the genius of Tony. these Netflix ones He had a tell to a set He had DeRosa do his set He had Norton to his set And that really Because you could have a couple of stinkeroo's With these buckets

Of course And then you have a tell come out there A tell goes Well look at these guys What's your band name? Jeffrey the Epstein's like He's just on fire Zingin and Zagget

He goes, oh New York There's no place to sit But you can lie down everywhere You know Places going nuts Such a pro Just killing And

And Norton had a great set. DeRosa came out, did great. And then, of course, he did the... This is awesome. Tony, you're changing cut. And we all made fun of him because he got too real. Oh, yeah.

He likes to do that. Then he texts me the next day. He's like, was that bad? And we were all like, oh, that was horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself. Well, that DeRosa's first class. He's a great egg. And check out his special.

He's a funny guy. But, yeah, we had a good night, and it was great to be a part of it. But then you wake up. And you know, you have this after one of these big pods where you go, I should have said this. I'm being flooded with lines, flooded, like Katrina.

And I'm a home, a black lady's home, just floating away. Like, I should have called him that. I should have said this. That was a perfect line. And now you're rewriting the whole night. And it's pointless because it's not going to, you can't go back. That's what makes these podcasts in general so hard. That's what makes stand-up so great.

I know. Is that you do the show, you listen to the show. Yes. There was 80 people in the room. And then you go, okay, well, they got a pretty good show. But the next night is going to be better because I can listen and adjust and make it, I can control everything I'm saying. That's what makes a podcast so difficult

because you come in and you're like, all right, this will be fun, we're hanging with the buddies. And then you're like, I don't have anything, and then later you come up with something. But with stand-up, you can come up with the thing later. I know. And you can hone. You could put it in the act, and there you go, that's writing.

But this is all, which I think is why people like it. It's all just in the moment, baby. Right. And it's what makes, like, Skank Fest so tricky because you're like, here are my bits. And they're like, no, no, we want off-the-cuff crazy, call me a retard stuff. Right, right, right. That's going to be fun, New Orleans, baby.

I can't wait. Can't wait to get down there. That's going to be exciting. What's that, October? I think it's November. Oh, good. All right. Great.

Oh, really? That means I've got to go down for Thanksgiving, come back, and then go back. Just stay. Maybe I'll stay. Yeah, there's plenty to do, I think. I'll be able to bring the baby down. I can stay with Nana. I think it's close to Thanksgiving if I remember.

Oh, okay. Well, maybe it's all going to work out. I thought it was like the same. to the 9th or something like that. I thought it was like the week beforehand. Give it a good. Oh, 14th through 16th. Okay.

That's before. Yeah. It's before. I'm not sure when Thanksgiving is. That's a long time to stay. We've got a pod to do, folks. Hey, folks, Tuesday's stories brought to you by Raycon. As you wrap up your back-to-school shopping, don't forget, a little something for

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Join Blue Choo's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to BluChiu.com for details and safety info. Big thanks to Blu for sponsor in the pod. How about this? I'm going to Austin, Thursday through Tuesday. The Comedy Capital of the World are here. I come back Tuesday to New York and then Denver. They're like, can you come out Wednesday and do media?

That's the worst. So I'm coming home for like 14 hours. So you're going, whoop, whoop, whoop. Yeah. Yeah, that sucks. And I was like, I could just stay in Austin the extra day, but then it's Sarah's to fly by herself with the baby. It's a whole thing.

He really likes being with me. So we're like, oh, get the miles, whatever. But yeah, I'm going Austin, New York, cab home, all the stuff, unloading everything, and then sleeping for eight hours, then going straight back to the airport. I've done it, and it's a bitch. to go to Denver. But, man, two of the funnest weeks back to back coming up.

And Denver, by the way, we added a show. When does this come out? I have no fucking idea when this comes out. September 2nd. September 2nd. Okay, well, Austin, this weekend, Denver, next week, we added a Sunday show, which last time I added a Saturday show. Oh, 3-0-9.

Yeah. This time we're like, well, we'll just do Sunday. So I'm gone next to day, which I don't care for. So please, buy tickets to the Sunday so we can fill it up. You'll get better seats because we just added it. So do that. I do feel like it's sell. better on a Saturday.

Because some people are just like Sunday, I'm not going out. I'm like that. Me too. So, oh, you go out Sunday. What are you crazy? No, I do with the night off. No kidding. Yeah, it's a big shift for me.

Oh, wow. Well, the baby. You want to hang out with the baby. How about this, by the way? I teased this last week. I tried to talk about it, but I forgot. It's spaced my brain or, what do you call that? N-word tease.

Flaked my brain. Space. Brain fart. Something like that. Yeah. Brain-queaf. Something that. Brain freeze. What does that mean?

Escape my mind. Yeah. Well, I was saying, I'm like, me riding these city bikes everywhere, the best thing that ever happened to pod, gotten my first bike accident. Oh, that was exciting. Thank God I had the helmet, by the way. I guess so.

I also lost my helmet briefly. I think I alluded to that, too. It was in the gym. I went from here, rode home, went straight to Equinox, put the helmet in the locker, worked out, somehow forgot it in the locker, it takes up the whole locker. Yeah.

It was like, bummed. I ordered a new helmet. I was like, somebody took it from the fucking park. God damn it, I lost my helmet. I love the helmet.

The next day, I go back to the gym, go to the same locker. I just open it. It's just sitting there. That's how they get you. I was like, wow. So nobody took it.

Maybe someone came in it. It feels sticky, but I like it that way. Yeah, sure. Anyway, so I'm riding my bike home the other day. I got the e-bike. Yeah.

The pedal assist, electric bullshit. It zooms. This thing fucking zip. It just zips around. You feel like you own the sea, the wind in your hair, you're just cling, cling, woo, wait, you're going like 78 miles an hour on that thing. Oh, you're zipping around, it's nice.

Zippity do that, bye, bye, bye. I'm riding, bye, Dave. So I'm riding home down the West Side Highway bike path there. And there's a couple in front of me. They're on e-bikes. It's a woman, nice ass, guy, decent ass. Okay. And I'm just riding behind him, and we're all, none of us are flying.

We're just going kind of an easy pace, and it's like, They're on e-bikes, so it's hard to pass them. So I'm fine just riding behind them, sniffing her butthole. Yep. And, oh, is this you two? Gutter maker? Oh. Shingles, flat roofs, vinyl sidings.

Hey. There's a lot of work going out out here. So anyways, I'm riding the bike, down the thing, and then this fucking fart head decides they're going to take a left into Tribeca. Okay. No signal, no pull over. It's a green light. I got the green light. We're doing like fucking 49.

knots here. Are you coming the other way? We're both going the same way. I'm behind him. He can take a left. He can take a left, but he needs to signal or put the left hand out. Yeah, give me one of these. Or pull over, whatever.

So he just stops his bike and turns across the whole bike lane. That's curle. Cuckoo. Stops. And I go, no, no, no, no, no. Do that thing. Yeah, yeah. I go, boom.

Luckily, I braked or. broke. Sometimes those brakes are shoddy. They're very shoddy because it's a used bike. And it just goes, boom. And I hit his leg and the bike and sent him like, what? Not all the way over. I almost blew you. But it was quite a thing. And I almost went over the handlebars.

I go, what the fuck? Whoa. And I feel bad because the guy was like, I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's a crazy move. And I was like, dude, what the fuck? And he's like, I know. I'm sorry. And you don't want to like shame the guy. But you're also

He was so furious. Yes. And he's like, oh, God, I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm so sorry. So you don't get the satisfaction of being like, you piece of garbage. I know. And you just kind of go, all right, that was nuts.

That was bad. Because it wasn't even like he slowly went this way. Like, he fully perpendicular across the lane, full stop. And his girl behind him was like, honey, no. And I looked over at her and she was like, it was fucking. Slow motion thing? Yeah. It was nuts.

Of course I text Salakus right away because he's like his whole thing is I don't wear a helmet because I'm only on the bike path which is a lie. He's on the road all the time but also I'm like

He cuts left like a motherfucker It's not how accidents work It's such a retarded thing to be like I'm on the bike path I'm like right but you have complete morons that stop against traffic Yeah

Yeah So I tried to shame him But I don't think a helmet Can fit on his fucking wacky hair That's quite a nugget on that that whop. Damn, I'm glad everybody was okay. And it wasn't your fault, which is always fun.

Yeah, not my fault. I'm very careful on the old sickle. When I got doored and I fell over the door and went over the whole handlebar and almost killed myself, it was totally my fault. Yeah. Because I was in, I was just on the edge of the street

next to the cars and I saw a car double parked and I said, I can get between them, between the parked cars and the double parked car. And, of course, right when I slide by, that door came open and I went flying. Yeah, no, it's scary out there. It's terrifying. I should have rode today, but I was running behind the baby, the whole thing. Well, last night, when I took the ride, I rode home in the rain.

It was brutal. It was like my punishment. Right. That's kind of fun, though. It's romantic. Yeah, but I was wearing a coat. It's all soaked. I wear jeans.

It was one of those things where you're like, you walk in. You're heavier than Rupert. Yeah, wet jeans is really the worst. Yeah, Sydney Sweenies wouldn't be bad. Oh, yeah, good jeans. Those are wet. How about this, by the way? Sarah and I, I didn't tell you this one.

This is from six months ago, too. We were on vacation. We went to, oh, that lady just picked her ear and looked at it. Classic. Oh, it's fun when they don't know you're looking. Sarah and I were on the way the Dave Matthews show nine months ago, and we stopped this roadside burger place. Did I tell you this?

No, no. I know about the cum-guzzling parking lot guy. Well, we stopped, and there's, like, a picnic bench. It's one of those, everything in New England's like, you pull over, and it's like a little stand, like a burger stand, lobster, old ice cream. They got it all there. I got a burger and fries and an ice cream. I know how to live. And a haircut.

And there's a hook shot. There's all these picnic tables. So we're sitting at the picnic table. Nice romantic night. We got the babysitter. We're going to see Dave Matthews for 10 minutes before we leave early. Keating the burger. And it just hits me.

I'm eating a burger and an ice cream. So I got a ripper. Yeah, oh, yeah. And I just go, you know those bench farts? Yes, a nice wood fart. Yes, you can hear it, you can feel it. It's just, and there's picnic tables everywhere. It's, you know, July in New England.

There's people over there, people over here, I go, and then I go straight face. Sarah kind of giggles, and there's a whole family over here. Two kids, two uncles, a mother, a father. Yeah. And the kids just start dying laughing immediately. So then the mother starts laughing. Then you hear, like, the guy go, was that you, honey?

She's like, no, and they lose it. So now Sarah loses it. That's great. And then these people over here, they start laughing. They'll go, something's in the water over there. Oh, fun. And I just kept the straight face, kept eating, talking, Sarah's all red, can't breathe. They're looking at us.

The kids are laughing. It was just a big laffy-taffy fest. Love it. Love all glory all red. I just love a good old classic bench wood fart in public. Nothing beats a fart. You get you, Louis C.K., George Carlin. Richard Pryor, well-written bit.

That's one of the most brilliant. You fart on a bench. They're out of the business. It's good stuff. Colin had that little bit. How do you know when a butterfly farts flies straight for a second? That's true, yeah. He had a lot of fart stuff.

But you had that fart bomb at Louis Hotel. That was rough. Well, yeah, that was bad. That was real bad. He never used me again after that. That's not true. Well, he kept using. That was the first ever weekend.

Oh, that's right. Special. That's right. Yeah. It was crazy. Fucking four seasons, hotel, night one. I'd been on tour for a year. I was like, you've got to use Mark.

He's the best. We'll have a great time. I appreciate it. You come in, you grab each ankle, put your head over on his feet on his bed. Yeah. I almost dropped trout, too. He's lucky I didn't do that. And I'll tell you something about Louis.

As many fart and shit jokes as he has, he's never farted once in front of me. Wow. I did other stuff in front of you. but not a fart. Yeah, that's not fart. He's a classy fella, so that was bad. That was really bad. I got a, what the fuck?

Yeah, that was while he was ordering us like $1,000 with the food. I know. And there was a woman there, too. I think it was... It was Morgan Murphy. Morgan Murphy, that's right. She didn't care for it either, but, you know, she's a woman. Yeah.

I had a fart on a flight the other day that almost got us the old, we're rerouting to Denver. You know, we got a drop trail. We got to drop the landing gear. So I'm on the plane with the lady and the baby. The baby's going apes shit. We're on the tarmac. We're not moving. It's all that wasted time.

You're like, we could have been there by now. The baby's freaking out. Let's get there. So you're just sitting on the tarmac. And I kept letting out some, just like some, just letting the valve open. And then eventually one got a hold of me. I was holding the valve and the valve shot off. And it just starts steaming.

I farted. the baby finally fell asleep I fart The wife's going Was that you? Oh my God I looked to my right There's an old guy

And he's taking the safety thing And put it over his nose like this Oh wow So the whole airplane's mad at me The baby wakes up The baby's like What the fuck was that? Jesus Christ

And we haven't even left yet So there's no cycling of air Oh geez And everybody in Delta Cupford hated me Valve Kilmer Yes. Sorry, I was sitting in that one. There was no break in the action. I had to get it out. I had Gloria all read 20 minutes later. But yeah, the whole plane hated me. What was I going to say about the first? Oh, I had a similar two nights ago. I was up in Boston. I took the train up. Marty and I took the train, which was very sweet. It was a father-son train trip.

Hey. Up to Boston. I wanted to golf and go to the Sox game. Sox fucking ate a dick. But it's like a thousand-dollar trip, by the way. I've got Excella. $400 bucks, round trip. It's not worth it. What do you get it? A cupcake? I mean, there's nothing different, really. $400. I mean, it's much faster, which is much.

I see. Now they have a new train that goes 150 miles an hour. It's like three hours. Anyway, so I take the train up. We went to the socks game. They ate a bag of dicks. But then afterwards, me, my buddy Bart, my dad, and Uncle Dale,

we get in a lift to go to Cambridge where Bart lives, and, you know, now I've had two Fenway Franks, a pile of ice cream, a box of M&Ms, and it's bussy. And we're in the lift, and I'm like, and I go, oh, I got a shit. I just go, and it's one of those ones.

I don't know. I didn't realize it was going to be a fucking, you know, H-bomb. And so everyone rolls down the window and goes, what the fuck? And the driver, he's like, what is that? That's you? That is you?

And I'm like, I know, I'm sorry. And luckily everyone was goofing and he was fine because he's from wherever. It's a Bangladesh. They live in a fart. It was a rough one. Everyone looked mad at me. I'm like, I'm sorry. What can you do?

But nothing worse than like, you're like, I'm going to get some good tickets. We're going to go. And then they just suck. I know. That's a bummer. I wonder if we've had that. You know, if you're like, going to see these guys and perform at a show and a theater. And then they're like, that was bad.

We wasted a lot of money. I'm sure it's happened. Yeah, yeah. One time I did a full, like, 50-minute set, and I did like a 10 minute of bullshit Q&A at the And a lady wrote me this long thing. She was like, that was appalling. You should be ashamed to yourself. Ten minutes of Q&A.

You didn't even do a full hour. You're a disgrace. And I was like, ah, shit. So I stopped doing the Q&A off of her email. Oh, some of that email. I'd like to talk to her. It wasn't pretty. But you want to talk trains, autism?

I don't mind. So I did a gig in Long Beach. Oh, I remember. One of the great moments of my life. This is what I live for. So we do two, we might be drunks. and it's a 3.30 episode with Sodor. And I figure, I will be done my five.

The train in Long Island, the last one I have to get, the only one left is at 5.16 p.m. Soter Arabia. Yes. So I have to make that one. That might be the title. So I got to make the 516. So now I'm such a wuss that I'm too scared to tell the comics

and the producer that I have a 516 train. And I go, now it's 504. Soda's still doing an impression of macho man. And I'm like... He can go that soda. He can go. He's a talented queen. And I go...

Now it's 506, and I've got to get to Penn Station, Jerry. That thing takes off at 516. It ain't like I can get there at 560. I got to be on that thing. Right. You put the latent chocolate. Yes, exactly. I'm white chocolate.

So I'm like, okay, I hate to tell you guys, I got a train to catch. And everybody's like, what? I got a 5-16 out of Penn Station And they're like, why didn't you tell us? And I was like, I didn't want to bother you. And so then, of course, that it was a shit fest on me. What are you fucking crazy?

What's wrong with you? Yada, yada. I go, hey, talk to Alan. I'll see you later. So I went, and I did a poof of smoke. I'm running down 8th Avenue, down after the studio, off to Penn Station. I get there, 514, find the track, go down, doors close, right on my dick, and I made it.

Oh, nice. But here's the problem, here's the clinker. So I'm on the train, and it's full. It's rush hour. You know, it's a bunch of Long Island people going back home, and I'm standing. I didn't get a seat. I'm the last guy on the train. And one guy goes, are you that comedian? And I go,

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like eight people in this little standing area, and I go, yeah, yeah. And some lady goes, you're a comic? Tell me a joke. Oh, my God. And I go, I don't want to. I'll offend you, whatever.

And she's like, oh, you can't tell a joke without offending me? And I'm like, probably not, if I'm being honest. And I go, well, how about something with the N-word? So I'm trying to, like, go over the top with it. And she's like, oh, my God. Who is this guy? Do you guys all know him? And eight guys with briefcases and suits go, yeah.

And so the whole train knew who I was. Oh, Jesus. And it was brutal. And then one guy goes, can I get a photo? And I'm like, yeah. And she won't stop. She's like some Karen from Long Island. And she's like, nothing, you got no clean material.

I'm like, I got clean material. I used to open for Seinfeld. So now I'm, like, dealing with this lady while, you know, a bunch of guys with suits on and Budwisers. And she's like, nothing, huh? Boy, so I'm coming you are. I'm like, I haven't even done a bit yet. You're already heckling me?

Like, what is this? Now, this lady sucks. She's jealous and weird. Something's up with this lady. Something's up with this lady. She's about eight foot tall. She was a giraffe. She looked like Dana Bash from CNN.

Oh, I know her. Yeah. I think it's Dana. Dana? Yeah. I think it's Dana Bash. Dana. Kind of like Danica Patrick.

It's Dana White. Interesting. I'm telling you. He's got some wacky names out there. Dana? I think so. We've got to have a fact check on that there, Tubbs. How do you say Dana Bash's name?

That does have a ring to it. I think it's Dana Bash. Dana Banana. She's married to John King, the political guy. John King. Who's from Boston? I don't know, Johnny. He's like the election number guy.

Ah, okay. I think he's from Charlestown, matter of fact. Boy, quite a power couple. How do you get a read on Dana or Dana? Dana. I looked it up. I said, how do you pronounce Dana Bash? And it says, Dana Bash.

Count it. All right. Okay. So Dana Bash is bashing me. She's gay bashing me right on the train. And eventually I go, I'm getting a seat. And she goes, you should. Because you can't stand up.

And that kills! She killed? She killed! Wow! She got me, Jerry. No kidding. She won the whole thing, and I sat there and I go, ah, Matt Rife would have come up with something, he's handsome,

I sucked on killed Tony, oh, and then the whole train ride was ruined. I'd like to have a threesome with her and the Q&A lady. That sounds like my kind of couple. Boy, well, buckle up because he'll write a review. If you had to have a threesome, would you rather be you, a guy, and a girl, or you and two guys? I've done both. Chuck, all right. Hey, put that in the act.

That's not bad. That's good. Maybe I'll put that in. It's no N-word peas, but... Or late in chocolate. Yeah, yeah. You've done both? You've been with two women at once?

Yeah. No kidding. When was that? One was unbelievable and one was a real... I've told the story. I can't remember. One was a real bomb. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. I was on a Tinder date years ago, and I was like, this is not going well. I was one of those like we're sitting across from each other like bad energy. Nothing's going to happen.

I was like, let's just cut it off. Let's just cut it off right here. And she was like, okay, geez. I'm like, no,

we're just wasting each other's time. Like, we're not going to hook up. You don't like me. I'm scared of you. Whatever. And she was like, okay,

okay, all right. I'm like, well, what, do you want to hang out? She's like, not really.

And I'm like, all right, well, let me go. She kept busting my balls. I hate the negging. Yeah. Depending.

Never mind. So then I go, all right, well, I'll see you later. Since this is over. I'm going to go back on Tinder. Sure. And she was like, wait, what? I'm like, I kind of remember this. Well, what do you care?

We're done here. And she was like, well, I don't like that. And I'm like, I don't know you. Like, we have no relationship. There's nothing here. Yeah, so why are you upset that I'm, it's not like I'm cheating on you? We're not together.

And she was like, well, let me see someone. of these girls. And I was like, okay. So now we're tindering together. I meet a gal. She's like, oh my God, I know you. I'll come meet you. So I'm like, you got to go. This other lady's on the way. And she's like, I'm not going anywhere. Wow. So it's

the crazy scenario. So now I'm hitting it off with the new chick. And this lady's just like, and I had to explain like, she's mad. We went on this is a movie. This is insane. And then so the other lady goes, well, you want to come back to my play? I live like two blocks away.

this is in New Orleans and I was like yes please and this lady goes well I'm coming too and what's the new lady saying about the old lady she's blown away

she just can't believe and she's like this is crazy I'm like I know tell her she's listening to everything she's just sitting right there we're just talking about her openly and the whole thing was wild so now we go

we're me and her canoeing arm and arm having a great time laughing and the other lady is just two feet behind us huffing and puffing wow so we go she's like you're Chuck

yeah she looked Like Rupert. But so we get to the house, and me and the nice lady are necking on the couch, and this lady's at the... She kept making all the stuff? Yeah, she's Batman. And so then we go in the bedroom, and this lady comes to the bedroom and just, you know, hangs out there.

You got two complete psychopaths here. Completely. And so then the other gal eventually, you know, slid in. Wow. Yeah. It was bad. It was really bad. That is something else.

You tell such a more detailed version of this on an old one, because I have to go through the OG Tuesdays. Yeah. It's crazy. The longer version is, like, insane. Insane. It's insane. It's insane. There's some eating out going on and some scissoring.

It was quite a, quite a night. Wow. Maybe I'll get divorced. Yeah. Wife swap. Yeah, I'm trying. I keep asking Rupert, but they got that damn kid running around. I know.

I think of a look at that kid. What's he like? By the way, I was on the train. I met there was an Asian guy with a six-month-old baby that weighed 26 pounds. Wow. How do you know? You weighed it? He said it.

He had a baby. I was like, yeah. He's like, how old are you a baby? And I was like, oh, he's almost two. And he's like, six months, 26 pounds. It's the biggest thing I've ever seen. It's crazy. Was he fat and weird?

Yeah, a big fat Asian baby. Whoa. 26 pounds. My baby's two and weighs 33 pounds. What are they giving? And he's big. Low main and egg rolls? all day? Well, you think Asian

small. Yeah. But there are sumo wrestlers. He came out sumo. It's like the giraffe thing. He just had a sumo baby. I guess so. They got to come from somewhere. Yeah, well, they came from this guy, and the guy was little. I'm like, you're going to need like, you're going to have spina bifida.

I mean, it's a 30-pound baby at six months. By the time he's four, he's going to weigh more than Chuck. And that poor Asian wife of his, I mean, that's quite a tunnel she came out of. Oh, yeah. It's got to be, it's it's not good. Yeah,

yikes. Ooh, good luck to them. Clambodia. Yeah. Folks. Woo, count it. Doggong.

I don't know. Hong dong. That's the guy's name. Yeah, hung low. But sweet chariot. We're back. Hey, hey. Now we're talking.

Is it warm in here or am I having a seizure? It's warm. Okay. It's warm. It's cold outside. Climate change is taking over. I know. Well, I just saw a prediction that it's going to be the coldest winter in the history of winters.

October's going to snow. My father's gay. Let's go down south. Let's get a Florida house and live it up. Well, New Orleans, we can go there for a couple weeks. I'll be there. I'll be there in Thanksgiving. How about this?

This is a big moment for me. My dad is, you know, getting up. He's getting up there. He's a little banged up. And so I'm trying to see more of my parents. So I'm like, let's hang out more. I'm coming down New Orleans. Why don't you guys come up here?

And they're like, oh, we'd like to come up here, but it's a whole thing with your dad and the Uber and the flights. It's a lot of movement, a lot of stairs, all that. And I go, I'll make it easy. Let me get your plane ticket and let me get you a car to the house, to the airport. We'll make it real easy. And my mom's like, she won't take money for me. She won't let me buy her things. Right.

So I lied and said, I got the flights all on miles. Nice. And she was like, really? Really? Really on Miles? I was like, all Miles. Miles Davis. It's also funny because it's still money. I guess, but they're okay with the Miles for some reason. Yeah, it's an interesting thing. I've done that before, too, where I'm like, I got free tickets. It's unbelievable my agent got me tickets.

Yeah, but you foot the bill. Yeah, yeah. So they're coming up here in like December or something like that. But my mom had to double check. I was like, here's your flights. There's the email. You're good to go. And she had to call me and be like, Miles? I was like, oh, yeah. Davis. So that's that. But then they'll stay here, though.

Yeah. Which is nice. That's good. Yeah. They're in the house. That's crazy. The calls for coming from inside the house. I know.

So if you want to meet my parents again. Ah, I met him a couple times. Yeah. I think I'm good. Maybe I'll come by. No pressure. But they're nice people. She likes Marty.

She never met him. Yeah, she did. She did? Yeah. I forgot where. Here, I guess. I think here. Yeah, maybe we came over.

What was that? Oh, that was the baby shower or something like that? Baby shower. Or a welcoming home. Was the baby home at that point? The baby was here. The dingo ate your baby. I can't remember her.

Did you have the house when the baby was born? I can't even remember. Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. We brought that puppy right back home. It might have been the... She was still... I think the lady was still pregnant. So is that a baby shower?

That's probably the baby shower. Okay. I think so. All right, well, there it was. I like they have a mama shower. That'd be fun. A who? A mother shower.

Oh, sure. Yeah, a golden shower. All right. Well, we've got to wrap this. All right. We ran out of Steve. This is like killed Tony. Ah.

I got some big apple pies coming out. Well, I got Austin this weekend, probably sold up. Maybe there's a few tickets left. Oh, that's going to move. Mothership. And then next weekend, Denver Comedy Works, we added a show. And the Tom Dust the movie is available right now on Punch Up Live. Nice.

And you can get all the. There's so much bonus material. It's an extra $3. You get a full bonus special of my. It's my old special. Wow. Wait a minute. Enough for everybody.

But before the special in Key West, there's some crowd work. It's wacky. It's more raw. Sure. So it's like a different version. You get that. You get a commentary track. Whoa.

Me doing a director's commentary on the whole movie. You get the Q&A from New York with Bennington. The Q&A from Boston with Tony V. Oh, my Lord. You were at the one in New York. Quite a bundle. It's a big bundle for just three extra bucks. And you can get that on your own.

If you already saw the movie, you don't want to buy the movie. Three bucks for that. Ted Bundle. Six bucks for the movie. And that's a cup of coffee in New York City. True dat. And it's a good movie. Tell them you like the movie.

Love the movie. It's funny. It's poignant. It's interesting. It's warm. There's a friendship going. There's a through line of comedy. I mean, it's killer.

You're in it. Nate's in it. Ari Shafier's in it. Joe Rogan's in it for a second. Sodor's in it. all just for about two seconds. But anyways, it's all you need.

It's a fine film. Bill Byrd loved it. He can't stop talking about it. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's your little box review. And so go check out that. And by the way, we're doing the Skank Fest doc. I got a few investors.

Wow. We're still a couple grand shorts. So if you have money and you want to invest, you can get a producer credit and back-end money on this fucking thing. Hit me up. This is exciting. Look at you, financier. I'm trying.

So hit me up. and, of course, the Patriot, and the special small ball approaching a million. Get on there, for God's sakes. Here we go. A lot of things cooking. Skank Fest, Doc. That is very exciting. So you have to go every year now.

I mean, I always go every year. It's research. I've never missed. I'll be there as well. I'm also going to D.C., San Diego, Baltimore, Mugubis. We're going back. Hattiesburg, Huntsville, all kinds of. fun dates, New Orleans, of course.

And, yeah, Marknomercom, hit us on Punch Up. Get on the Patreon. We're about to do a bonus right now. It's humming. It's cooking. Always good stuff. Always new stuff.

And Chuck, Chuck, what do you got got? Check out my podcast. Fun bearable with Ray Harrington and Brad Rore. Lots of good stuff coming out. Ray Harrington just came out with a special with Don't Tell Comedy. Hey, they're good. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the numbers are great.

They just came out yesterday. But yeah, come over to Fun Barrabble. We have a lot of fun stuff in October. We're doing four Halloween episodes just like every year. And our good buddy, Kane Hodder, who played Jason in all the Friday of 13th movies, we'll be on. Seriously? Yeah, he's on, yeah. It was from a live panel where I interviewed him, like, live at a Comic-Con.

Kane Hodder. Yeah, it's cool. And the guy who played Jason in the new one, and they have kind of a rivalry. It's really funny. Okay. But it's good stuff. Yeah, come over to Fun Barrabble. We're doing a lot of fun-bearablepod.com at Funbarablepod.

dot com at fun bearable pod grab one of those Narragansett beer Brad's brought soft seltzer cans good stuff It's wacky You got to look at this thing

Yeah If you don't see this thing You don't know what you're doing Yeah it's good stuff Oh our Adam Our Dr. Phil is out Oh nice That's fun

Indianapolis Was it? I think so Yeah yeah Indianapolis Oh yeah We went to that Italian restaurant Oh boy

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