Tuesdays with Stories! - #621 Omahoma

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

Joe goes to Nebraska where he miraculously isn’t attracted to any women! Mark gets chased by Ms. Pat in Vegas! The boys rail against Hooters and share tales of Mark’s brother, the trivia champion! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and sign up for your $1 a month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS and use code TUESDAYS to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup.  

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is fitting at me. And I can't choose a lot. Hey, here we are, folks. We're back, we're here, we're queer. We had a bit of a dip in the ratings. What? Yeah, we went down about three clicks. What are you talking about?

Yeah, we're back up now. What are you serious? You hit me with this right on air? We could talk about this off air. I wanted to go in fresh. What dip? A snow dip. Big dip.

Not a big dip. Small dip. What do you mean? What are you basing this on? What dip? Double dip. Well, we usually hit at least 50 is our bottom. People?

K. 50,000. Yeah. And this last one's at 47. Oh, okay, okay. It might creep up there. I'm a creep. I'm a lover.

I'd say 60 to 70% of our listens come from audio, so you don't see those numbers. I'm not saying that they're up or something, but... Audio, you're missing all the farts and the legs up and the blow jobs? Well, I was just talking about this the other day. I've never understood how people turn on. Do I have those underwear on? I got the long panties. Look at their past the shorts.

Well, your shorts are creeping up. That's true. Those are good shorts. What are those? Chubbies? Yes. Chubbies and sheath. That's all I got.

Sheath. I got sheath. Chubbies sent me some stuff, but they sent it for like a big fat ass. I think they sent me Chucks or Ruperts or something. I got a sail. Rupert, you can do a hot air balloon. You ever been on one of those?

I don't like it. No, I don't care for that either. Too much wicker. We've got a flame throw. We got a balloon. I can't land it. It's dangerous. It's boring.

I don't care for it at all. It's so prudent. The way to go higher is to drop bags of sand. You know, because they got weights on the side. Those bags of sand are weight. Oh, you get rid of the sand. You get rid of the sand. And that's how you go higher.

I'm like, this is it? We got no pulleys, no brakes, no nothing. But then you can't get the sand back. No sandback. Sandback. By the way, I got to address this. Sandman. Dana Bash.

I'm upset with the both he is. I'm fucking furious with both he is. Why? You said Dana. I said Dana. You made me feel like an idiot. Then you looked it up, confirmed it. You guys both high-fived.

Yeah. It's Dana. Everyone says Dana. Everyone says Dana on the show. But you texted me. And I sent you the screenshot. And it's like, here's how to say Dana Bash. I sent you that.

Yeah, but that's because that's AI horseship. They don't know Dana. They don't know Dana. They don't know off AI. What do we know? I heard it's AI, by the way. Just for the record. Paul Dana.

Is it Dana or Dano? Oh, here we go. I think it's Paul Dan. I'm not getting involved. I think it's Dano also. I saw a movie called Relay. Have you heard of this film? That's the director of Hell or High Water.

Yeah, Dave McKenzie. He's good. It was pretty good. It was, I got some flaws. But I don't want to get into some movie no one's ever heard of. Anyway, so we dipped. No dip. Ah, well, we might, we might float up to the top like a turd.

Well, this is what I was going to say. I don't understand how people just watch a podcast. People put it on and eat dinner. They sit there and they look at us. They look at it. They eat each other. other out, and they laugh. I've never watched a podcast in my life.

I mean, I see the clips and everything, of course. What I do is I go to YouTube, let it play in the earpod, and then I just click it and turn off the video. Like, I turn off the screen. Well, that's because you got it. We talked about this before. You have YouTube pro or whatever. Premium, baby.

I got less than preview. I got shit YouTube. Best decision I ever made. No ads. Those ads were killing me, Jerry. You know, you're like, oh, I got 30 seconds. My life, you're losing lifetimes. But you're on YouTube a lot.

I'm not on you. I'm all John Boy. And John Boy doesn't have ads in the middle. So you get through that ads. What are you talking about? You know John Boy. I've explained John Boy. He does the baseball. Oh, the baseball.

Not lip sakes. Lipree. Oh, Lipree. He's good. He's a fan of yours, I think. What? Hey, Johnny, big fans. Jom!

With an M. Jammie. But his name's Jimmy. Jimmy Jomboy. Weird. Okay. Yeah, I don't get the name either. That's one of the things we fight about.

Slip repeat. All right. Well, good to have you, Jami. I don't know if he watches the show. Oh, all right, fuck it. What do you got? Last week, we had 48,000 YouTube views. Okay.

And 55,000 audio listens. Oh, wow. Yeah, usually it's a little bit higher than that, but I mean, that's a hundred and... So why we did it? What was the title? What was it? Like, something like, the boys have fun? We need titles like Mark Tears an asshole and Joe comes in it.

We've always done the puns. Isn't that what you want? What's the title? Les Baru. You did a Subaru. It's not the title. It was that glitch where we had to replay. posted. I think that's what did it. We didn't have to. We never did that. Oh, okay. We didn't do that. We didn't do that. I just saw comments like, hey, where's the pod? Oh, now it's up. It was up. It was up. Then it was gone. Yeah, it's up again. People are retarded.

All right. Whoa. What's the language, Dana? You cannot be calling these folks retarded. You got targets on your back. You probably saw it. It's like every week. They go, why is this up on Monday? When we've been doing it. Yeah. That's true. No, we didn't repost it. We texted about it. I know. Well, something happened. The comments were talking about it. Yeah, comments. They lie. Don't listen. All right. Well, this one's got to be huge. Big. Let's get a thumbnail. Look at this thumbnail. Now we're getting somewhere. Thumbail that. That's big.

There we go. Edward. Hey, let's just say great. Trump, kill Tony, Rogan. You say things to get buzz. Gaza. Biden died. You're here first.

It's a decent. It's a decent. shot because, you know... Yeah, he might die. He might die. It comes out in a week. Well, I also think that I have a suspicion.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I think if Biden dies, they'll hide it for like eight months. Eight months. To buy some time. Because if he dies, everyone's going to be like, we told you he was so close to death. He was president three months ago.

I knew he was dead. Yep. So he'll die and they'll just freeze him like Han Solo for like eight, nine months. Carbonite. Carbonite. Yeah, that's not bad. Or they could just do the very

because he's already stumbling through sand anyway. Well, I don't think he makes personal appearances anymore, does he? I think they've got them tucked away. Yeah, because anytime they show him at like a black event, he's like... Black event. They always throw him in some black event, like MLK's, Dad's, birthday, or whatever, and he's always like, ah! And then they all dance, and he goes...

I like the idea of Biden at the Globetrotters, you know. Oh, yeah. You ever go to the Globetrotters? That's a hell of a squad they got there. I would love to see that finger dance. You never went? Never went? My parents didn't take me to things.

Well, I went as an adult. My parents didn't take me to Harlem. My mother wouldn't go to anything called Harlem. Pretty kidding. She wouldn't let us watch Belbiv DeVoe. Oh, geez. Well, that's understandable. I don't even know what that is.

You don't know Belbiv DeVoe? ABC, B, B, B, D, D.C, the East Coast family. Black, it's a black group? Yeah, Belbiv DeVoe. My parents didn't let me go to groups. There was boys to men. I knew that. Belbiv DeVoe

Another bad Another bad creation Yeah Two Live crew Yeah well those ones aren't Associated These are the Boston And this is the East Coast family

Philly Boston people Oh I didn't know you had a family We had the hot boys In Louisiana This is Lil Wayne Manny Fresh Master P All that shit

Juvenile What? Yeah Little Wayne That's a little John Right I get confused I think it's John

Either way Well I worked at FYE, the record store, I would alphabetize. For your information, no. Entertainment. Entertainment. And formerly Record Town. It was like Record Town Saturday Matinee, F.E.

I see. I don't know how F.Y.E. That's such a shittier name than Saturday Matinee. Or Record Town. Record Town, I like. The Record Town was good, but I think people were like, well, I don't buy records because it became DVDs, CDs, posters. And it was Sam Goody.

Sam Goody, that's right. Isn't it weird, too, how it goes, records are over? man we got CDs now and then you wait long and up here like I like records records are cool it's cool to come back it's funny how that's all branding Jerry yeah but we had strawberries too that was local I don't know that was huge that was like a local New England you had strawberry you knew strawberries strawberries strawberries was big can we go to strawberries and you go and they had the tapes tapes and then the CDs later and all that stuff then there was tower records

tower records was huge that only died like eight months ago there's a documentary about Tower records. 9-11. Oh, boy. Different tower. 9-11's coming up. It's 9-11 season again. US opens back in town.

9-11's right around the corner. How about this? A guy hit me up a pal. A guy you know hit me up and go, hey, you want to, I got an extra ticket to the U.S. Open. And I said, when? You know, Elon Altman? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I know that guy. He texts me and I go, I'm on the road. So I told him to text you. Yeah, I haven't heard from him. Aye, aye, aye. I don't think he cares for me. Guess not. What time I think I called him the wrong name, I was all excited.

Well, he's Elan. Right. Everybody calls him Elon, and I think that rubs him. No, I thought his name was Eaton or Eton or something like that. I call him, yeah, I call him, I don't know. Igor. Yeah, Elmo or something.

I was like, hey, Elmo, tickle me. He's a comedian. Yeah, yeah, funny guy. Oh, all right, I heard that. No kidding. Sweet little boy. New York native. You always think New York natives are going to be like,

oh, forget about it. Suck my dick. And he's like this cute little quiet Jew. Yeah. Well, Isabel Hagan. She's not exactly like, hey, he's eat my pussy, you cock sucker. Oh, God, that'd be hot. Yeah, I guess so. What about Samariel? He's got a little grizzle on him. Oh, he's grizzled, maybe. So he's got a little New York in him.

Chris D. He's got some accent. Yeah, yeah, I guess so, Janus. Yonis has been shot. Yeah. That's something. Salacuse. He looks like he's from Florida with the Hawaiian shirt, the head. But it doesn't sound that New York. I think the accent is going the way of the dodo. I agree, yeah. Because I'm from New Orleans, and when I grew up a lot, the older guys were like, oh, New Orleans in the house. How's your mom in them?

And now nobody sounds like that. Right. But Boston, everyone still sounds like that. I think it's lessened. Less, I guess so, less so. By the way, speaking of going down on me, fuck me, I had an ex-girlfriend who would say, go down on me and like it. How hot is that? Is that not the hottest thing of all time?

That's pretty good. Go down on me and like it. Yeah, that's good. That's special needs. but that doesn't work in a restaurant setting. You're going to eat here and you're going to like it. How about I go on Yelp and tell you how I feel? Don't tell me what I want to like.

I suppose so. But I would be kind of cool, too. If you talk about New York, you went to a restaurant, they were like, here's some chicken pie. Now eat it and like it. You'd kind of be like, this is charming. I guess. But Peter Lugar, has you ever been there?

Yeah. That's the big steakhouse in Brooklyn. They've been there a million years. Their whole thing is, we're dicks. We're cunts to you. It's a New York attitude. And I go, just bring my. a coleslaw, you Nazi?

Yeah, I don't like that. There's people like that. We've talked about this before, too, there's people that are all like, hey, I'm a dick, and when you get the gnomie, you like me, you like me, but I'm a dick. And I'm like, you're just choosing dick? Yes, like a gay man.

I don't understand these people that are like, I'm all asshole, baby. I hate it. I hate it. There was a restaurant called Dix. Dix Last Resort. Yeah, that's one. Yeah, that one, they yell at you, whatever.

I hate it. I don't get it. By the way, I'm watching the Cowboys documentary. You're not going to watch that. That's not your thing. Oh, okay. Not the actual cow. No, so the Cowboys Duck, first of all, it's shot. I hate Netflix. I mean, I'd like to be on whatever.

Sure. So Netflix, I'm watching the Cowboys Duck. They're so silly and cliche these things. But it's about the Cowboys, and it literally is like, and there's like, you know, mountains. What do you call those flat-top mountains, like plateau? Plateau, yeah. Isn't that a word?

Plains? No, planes is plateau. What do they call? There's some name for, but like those Arizona mountains. And it's like the camera is down here and it comes up. It's like Michael Irvin. He's like, mm. They do like an actual cowboy thing.

It's very silly. Very silly. But they were America's team. They were America's team. Was it Emmett Smith? Emmett Smith, Michael Irvin, Alvin, Alvin Harper, Jay Novichick, Jones Johnson, all those guys. Check, please.

And I'll be in Dallas. Ah, me too. Improv. Nice. That's a great club. Oh, I love it. That's where we lost the airputs. Oh, that's right.

But, um... What was I going to say? Oh, going back to like, bad guy... Why were we talking about this? A bad person? Bad doc. Cheese on it. Plateau.

America's team. No, this is like 20 minutes ago. Yeah, we're back on. Oh, we're back on. For some reason, I started talking about it about being a bad person or something. But Jimmy Johnson, who was the coach. Yes, yes. Not the sausage guy.

He got the job. He just left his wife. He took. He told his wife. He was, like, married for 20 years, whatever, and he's like, listen, I'm going to have to spend a lot of time thinking about football. You're out. Wow. He's just like, you're out of here. I can't think about you. Wow. I kind of respect it. And she's like, oh, okay, yeah. That's a football family. She can understand. He's like, I love football, and I got hired to be a coach. We want to win.

Wow. Boy, him and Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw is the most football-looking people on the planet. Oh, yeah. They just look like football. Howie-Law. White guys with the flat top. and the bald head and the height, everything. How long is the Boston guy? I think he's from Charlestown. Oh, really? Yeah. He seems like an Oklahoma motherfucker.

He really does. By the way, I was in Omaha, Nebraska. Quit bragging. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here because we love you, Omaha. Many Tuesdays. Sure. Good club, good town.

Now, you know, me, I'm a red-blooded man. I look at every single woman and wonder what it would be like to make love to her. Sure, if you've asked me. We had three shows, about 600 people. came through, or more than that. Must have been 900 people, I guess. I'm sure you sold out of at least one.

I don't know if we sold up, that's a big road, but there was like 300 people at each show. So about 900 people. That's a show. And we walked around the mall and went over here, over there. 48 hours, not one moment did I go, look at this lady. Check her out. Yeah, it's God's country. Isn't that fascinating?

It's an ugly town. I didn't see a muscle, an ab, a leg, a cleavage, a lip. I didn't see one thing worth the elbow. No. No. Check this out. It's a cow town. It was like Chuck and Rupert and Wiggs. Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Geez, the Richter scale must have been off the charts. I mean, I was taking photos and all. You know how you smell the hair and you hope they touch your ass or whatever. Sure, sure. Nothing. Wow. Just a fugly fest down there in Omaha. That's why they drink so much.

It's crazy. But that's, you know what it is? It's like Oklahoma. I mean, sorry, Nebraska. It's corn husker. It's steak. It's meat. eating big white guys who go out and join

the army. It's not known for the beauty of the lady. My God, was it yucky? I mean, and then you come home. I'm in BPC down here. Every single woman's in a two-piece fucking sports bra. And you're just, my dick is on my chin. It's unbelievable

the thing about New York in the warm climate because you go, oh my God, look at all the hot bods in this town. Because we're all wearing a mink coat and a big fur vest and a Russian hat in the winter. And then when you see these horrors with the cleave in the summer it stops in your tracks.

And the men, by the way. I'm seeing shirtless men everywhere. Abbs, pecks, fur. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's a fucking giant moose walking by right now. We've got plenty of mees. Quite elizzo. But, yeah, no, I know what you mean. Omaha is not our finest hour.

Omaha. Homa. That sounds like a horror movie villain. Here comes Omaha. Sounds like an evil Indian. Omaha. But yeah. Yeah, it's not the capital of beauty. Now, it might be my draw, too. You know, I'm sure if Matt Rife does Omaha,

there's plenty of bates coming or whoever. I don't know how, yeah, Matt Rife is the exception or maybe like a Delia or somebody like that, but there's not a lot of hot ladies into zingers. That's a couple. There's a couple standouts. We've met a few, but it's not exactly their bag, baby. I guess not, but, you know, that's a broad brush.

I mean, I see some hot women at some of these shows. Okay, yeah, you're right. Plus, there's some hot funny women. That's true. That's true. Maybe not hot, but, you know, comedy hot. Comedy hot. I'm thinking of a few right now.

Yeah, I'm always thinking of a couple of them. And I'm hard. But, yeah, no, you're right. It's not, it's not there. You go reality TV, you go with Taylor Swift, you go with anything like that. I think you're going to get some hot ladies. This isn't reality TV. What's that from again?

Barton. That's Nicholson. Man, that movie is so retarded over the top sometimes. Well, Nicholson's a little silly, but it's fun. This isn't but for Lily TV! Yeah, he throws Coke on a lady's clam. When I tell you, he's in the mash. It's the worst accent of all time. He's very silly,

but a fun film nonetheless. Sure, you have award winning. Yeah. Finally. That's what I don't like by the Oscars. Hey, we'll make up an award. We'll make it up because we owe him one from 10 years ago. Yeah, they've always been like That's very silly. Yes.

So you want to talk cowboys. Yes, please. I was just in Calgary. Oh, yeah, the stampede. That's right. That's their thing. By the way, what the fuck time do you arrive at these gigs? I text you, I'm like, hey, what's going on?

You're like, I'm at the airport. I'm like, where you're headed? You're like Calgary. It was like 5 p.m. Well, you got to realize I go back two hours in the Calg. But I was going to Omaha. I was already eating dinner. I know.

It was brutal. Well, that was the longest flight of my life. The travel this weekend was a goddamn come-guzzling Nazi kicking the dick. Fly to Calgary, so you go Minneapolis, connect to Calgary. Okay. Now, I landed at five. The show's at eight. That's how I like to push it.

Landed at five. But you're really landing at seven. Seven, your time. Your body is seven. Yes. So the lady, she went to Martha's Vineyard and took the fat man. Nice. This lady is gallivanting. They live it up. I don't know this kid anymore.

Port Smith, one weekend, Martha's Vineyard the next weekend. She loves New England. She's spending all your money. You got that right, Patty. Jesus Christ. But she's sewing the boy of the world. He's at the beach. She's swimming with the fishes. It's great. Do we talk about that last week?

What's it now? Yeah, we talked about it. What, the vineyard? No. Suddy, being like, sleeps with the fish. What is this? Why doesn't Sunny know about sleeps with the fishes? Yeah, good point. Thank you.

Good point. the wolf of plot holes. So she's in the vineyard. So she's texting me. I'm on the plane. She's texting me like, he's in the pool. I'm like,

oh, my God. I left like eight hours ago and you were already in the pool. At the vineyard? Yeah, because it's a 48-minute flight. Right. And then you land and you're right on the water. I'm like barely out of Minneapolis.

And she's like, oh, we've already had the pool. We've eaten dinner. I put him down. He shit himself and he's mentally retarded. So I'm like, God damn, this flight's long. You land in Calgary. You got to go custom it up, passport it up, all the bullshit.

Finally get to the hotel. You got enough time to shit, shower, and shave. And then you run right out to the Great Outdoors Comedy Fest. Oh, it's a fest. Big fest. I'm talking, like, Theo's there, and the other guy, Adam Ray, Miss Pat, Chelsea Lynn. I don't know, Chelsea Lynn.

Trailer Trash, Tammy? I don't know. But Chelsea Lynn, those are two cities next to each other in Boston. Is that right? Yeah. Wow. I didn't know that. Lynn Coplitz.

But she was hot, by the way. You got that straight. Yeah. So you land, and, you know, it's a whirlwind. You want to kill yourself with the travel and everything. Hey, that's pretty good. And it's like those rocks on the beach, you know, you find a way to stack them. Which they say is horrible for the environment.

How? Because they pull these rocks out of the ocean. crabs and blacks live in there. So now you're ruining their whole home. He got it up on the beach. It dries out that kills them. Oh, I see. So all these hippies are throwing the rocks back in.

But side note, a live grass. This episode is brought you by prize picks. You and I make decisions every day, but on prize picks being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this season on prize picks where it's good to be right. You don't have to know everything about sports to start. playing. Just pick more or less on player stat projections. If your picks come true, it could be your lucky day. Prize picks couldn't be easier, even as gays figure it out. They've got every player listed. Just click on a player you like. Prize picks shows you their stat like 43.5

rush yards in the next game. You hit more button or you hit less button and you're all set. That is easy. Even if your lineup isn't perfect, you can still cash out. With flex pay, you can double your money, even if one of your picks doesn't hit. Download the app today and use code Tuesdays to get 50 bucks in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Tuesdays to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, it's good to be right. So I just got to say this outdoor comedy fest, the Great Outdoors Fest, it's unbelievable. It started during COVID. There was 8,000 people there.

What? It's insane. They got a drone flying over. They show the whole thing. It goes back. It's out in the park, the Stanley Park or Prince Island Park. Unbelievable. Stanley's Vancouver.

That's where we rode the bikes. That's right. I did that one last year. What a lineup last year. Theo Soder, Santino, Barbosa, Fahim, Hosting, and myself. Wow. I remember that. No women.

Miss Fahim. Ah, Fahim, underrated. Absolutely. So we get there, and Adam Rade's getting all filled up. Oh, he's doing Dr. Phil. Yeah, and Ms. Pat's there. We're hanging out. There's a bonfire.

There's snacks. There's a bar set up for us. There's TVs. You can see the stage. And, man, it hit me. I had a hot set. Miss Pat crushed. And then, uh, shit.

Grace, look this up. Grace Allen? Grace Allen. Grace Allen. Grace Allen. Grace, that's, Grace, Grace. That's Burns's wife. Oh, from Nichols of Bay.

Wait, what's her shit? I want to get this right because she's kind of blowing up. Yeah, she's on barstool. George Burns. I couldn't think of his name. It's Gracie. It's Gracie. Her name's Gracie Allen? Her name's Gracie what?

Let me see. Oh, no, hold on, hold on. That's like, that's crazy. Cut some of this. No, no, there's another, like, famous, famous actress named Gracie Allen. Yeah, she was married to George Burns. Yeah. She's really funny.

She's on barstool. She did Theo's pod. She's a really funny comic, you know, cutting her teeth or whatever you want to call it, coming up. And she's blowing up. She's everywhere now. But she did the show as well. And great hang. We had a blast.

And it hit me. I watched Adam Ray, or Dr. Phil, run on stage. He closed it out. And he does like the, here we go, folks. And he runs out. And the place goes nuts. And they show the crowd. There's like 20 people dressed as Dr. Phil.

They got the bald caps. We'll hold their drinks up. girls are going nuts and I was like this is unbelievable I cannot believe what I'm witnessing the state comedy is in

he created quite a phenomenon he really did he really did and they were a hot crowd and they were going nuts and he was on fire zinging zanging zanging riffing on Canada

riff it on the stampede and it hit me you ever had that where you're just like watching the wave of humanity fall over and laugh they're all cheersing and he's killing

and he's got the costume on and I was like we are really part of something special Yeah, well, I think... This is really something. I think all the time people will look back and be like, wow. Because, you know, now there's, like, documentaries about, like, New York City, rock and roll, 98 to 2001.

I'm like, I don't even know anything was going on there. No. I think eventually they'll be like, you know, stand-up comedy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 21 to 2030 or whatever it is, yeah. Probably 20-23, but I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. You sure it's not Grace O'Malley? Grace O'Malley.

That's nice. Irish. Thick accent, Beantown, I believe. What? Really? I've never heard of this lady. She's around. You're going to see a lot more her.

Grace O'Malley. Really cool, really funny. Good hang, good com, whatever. So, yeah, it was just one of those great nights. Then Adabre invited us all out to panel with him. And, man, just zigging, zanging, Ms. Pack, I'm mad at me. And I went, she chased me, and I went, Stampede. Plays with nuts.

Oh, that's big. We had a lot of great time. That's big. Nothing like a fat black woman. you're cool with, because you can Zing a fat black woman is the most dangerous thing on the planet. But if you're cool with one, it's almost like having a fucking pit bull as a pet.

Right. You know what I mean? Like, you've got a pit bull. Everybody's like, a pit bull on the street, you're like, don't fuck with that. But if it's your pet, now you're cooking, because it's on your side. You're cooking unless it snaps too hard and kills someone, and then you're like, now you've got to put it down. That's true. You might have to put her down. Watch out, Betty,

because there's a target on your back. But, yeah, so we just had a great time, and it was one of those magical nights, and then, you know, Jack Fink is there. He's the manager. Fink's a good man. Good Egg, and Adam Ray's wife is there, and we just... I didn't know he was married. Oh, yeah. No kidding.

It's pretty cute because he kisses her, and then he runs on. That's fun. He's a hot man. He's a good-looking Jew, that Adam Ray. And just a great guy, and he is living. We've got the bonfire going. He's in the suit, bald caps askew, mustache is crooked, because he's a good. At the end of the night, we've been drinking.

And he's like, did this tonight, tomorrow, flying out, going straight to Chappelle's club. I saw his post. Doing a weekend there. I didn't know Chappelle's thing was back. Oh, he's back, maybe. Wow. Shane just did it. DeRosa did it.

Everybody's there this weekend. No kidding. So I'm doing Akron and Dayton in like, who knows when this comes out. And I'm going to invite Dave. I have his number. I'm going to go, hey, come open. Oh, oh, he's going to come to your show. Then I'll probably try to go to his as well.

Wow. I didn't know that was back. Does that go on every summer? I thought that was just a COVID thing. I believe. Well, that's a club now. It's like a full-on club with a building.

No kidding. So I think they do indoor, outdoor, out-house, dog house. I didn't even know. I'm out of the loop. I need better representation, I think. You know, we're aware. I got to find somebody that's going to plug me in.

Yes, let's plug. I'm telling you. My guy likes you. I don't think Chappelle's, I don't think that's going to be my scene, though. I can't picture. Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.

But, yeah, no, he would love to have you. All right, I'll talk to him. I think he does an hour and a half before every comic. But either way, if you're all right with that. Yeah, that's what I do at my show. That's true. You guys are very similar. I got a fun lineup coming up.

Oh, yeah? Daniel Simonson, H. Foley, Mikey Fing's. I like that Figgs. He's first class. That's a great group. And someone else. Oh, Ron, Ron, on. Yeah, you had to water it down.

But, yeah. Oh, that's crazy. Yeah. Good crew, good time. And then, you know, it's one of those things where you go out drinking, then you go out again to another bar. And then before you know it, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, and, let me tell you this. Finally get some sleep, you know, you're like, hey, I'm on the road.

No baby. Let me pull this up. This was at the hotel, stayed at the nice Marriott in Calgary. Finally go to bed, 2 o'clock, 7 a.m. pickup. All right, I'll get a good five hours. This played from 4 a.m. to 5.30. Oh, my God. Oh, shit.

I'm going to put the wrong one. Oh, geez. That was going to be you. Please stand by for further information. What is this? 4 a.m. to 530. Over the loudspeaker in the hotel. May I have your attention, please.

I had to record it. What's she saying? Fire in the building? There has been an emergency reported in the building. I think somebody pulled the... Please stand by for further information. That's horrible. I've had that before, and it's the worst thing in the world.

The worst noise on the planet. This is an hour and a half, so I have eight pillows on my head. People are going to throw the pot up. We're going to be down to 44,000 to keep playing that fucking thing. That on a loop for an hour and a half. Did you go down and say, hey, what's the trouble? No, I was so drunk and lazy, and I'm like, it'll stop, it'll stop, and it just never stopped. And I even looked out the window that's some people milling about in the bath robes.

you know, in the parking lot. I'm like, I'm not going down. I'm going to burn with this fucking hotel and finally stopped at like 5.30. Isn't it so funny how you just, nobody believes a fire alarm? No, not a chance. No one ever thinks like, oh, there's a big fire.

Everyone's like, oh, some fucking asshole. Yep. I think people, the deaths must go up because of how little people trust fire alarm. That's true, yeah. Smoke detectors, whatever you call it. I need smoke, I need flames. I need a guy with an axe to come in and go,

here's Johnny or Jami. But that's about it. Well, I think fires are way down. Uncle Dale talks about this all the time. They're more responding to heroin addicts than fires now. Because it used to be people would smoke in bed. People like would those heat lamps, heat things. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Electricity's gotten, everything's gotten better. So there's just less fires. Now, is that good? It's one of those weird, it's good for us, but bad for the department. I think it's bad for the department. They like the fires. Yeah. They love a fire.

If you're a fireman, you want to slide down the pole, suck on a pole. and put out a fire. I think it's fun. You're kicking over tables, smashing windows, spraying things. It's like, Dan Cook had that great joke. It's fun to spray things. It is. It really is.

And you've got the Dalmatian. Yeah. And the chili. I've been to a lot of firehouses. Never seen a single Dalmatian. Really? Maybe they, maybe Pete a kibosh that. Well, the pumpkin eater?

Folks. I think it's a lot of work to have a dog. You got to feed it. That's true. You got to whatever. I mean, like, 90% of their time is playing chili foosball. and then zinging the new guy. Well, I think that's the way it used to be, but now everyone's on smack.

So there's always run around Narcanning people. What a bummer, because you really want to picture them as heroes kicking doors in and rescuing old ladies over the shoulder and going down the fire escape. How about that big thing where they jump off the roof with the circle down there? Oh, the trampoline thing. Yeah, I love that. That seems like a lot of fun. I think I would like that.

You know, it's a great YouTube compilation, if you ever have the time. firemen negotiating with the jumper the guy was going to jump he's on the ledge and they go all right buddy got a lot to live for give me you son of a bitch and they just yank him right right and then they kind of like throw him down and tase him yeah that's kind of fun I think we should just really encourage people killing themselves get out of here if you've gotten all the way up to the roof

you know adult abortion yeah because really they just want attention they want to go my fucking wife's fat my dad's gay I don't know what to do, and you go, all right, just go. Now, do you know about this guy? I just learned about this from Instagram. This fella that stole the plane back in 2018. Huh? This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. In Seattle, a

man, a suicidal fellow. Oh, I did see that. He went and stole a fucking Alaska Airlines flight. And he gets on the blower. And he does a blower. He gets on the mic. Yeah, he does a blower. That's not a blower. A blower is like a... I don't call a phone, a blower.

Or a microphone. What? Wow, what did I make that? The horn. The horn works. There's no blower. That's what they call the loudspeaker. He's on the blower. Give it a good.

He's not a loudspeaker, though. He's on the headset. All right. Well, he's on a mic. I never heard blower in my life. You're a snow blower. But anyways, he does a barrel roll, and then he flies into the thing. And they're like, let's land this thing. He's like, I don't think so. He's like doing stand-up.

He's like, I don't know. I'm a cook. I got to screw loose. It's the most fascinating thing. He stole a fucking plane. It's gold. Listen to that. His dialogue is hilarious.

It's quite touching. And they're like, all right, let's see if you can land. He's like, nah, I was kind of hoping I would die on the barrel roll. He pulls off a barrel roll in like a fucking, a cargo jet or a passenger jet. So he has experience. No experience. No, he just got that thing up? I don't know how he did it, but I guess I think it's self-explanatory.

I think it's like, I used to do that joke. I think you just pushed the thing forward and off it goes. The yoke. Yeah, you yoke it. Interesting. Yeah, it's all pipes. It's all dials. Yeah, and now I think it's AI, robot, shit.

I have no idea, but he did it, and I think you must have been an engineer or some kind of thing, something adjacent. Well, the funny thing is I'm like, dude, you're smart. You obviously figure this out. You shouldn't die. We need you. Yeah, well, that's the thing I always think of like, I've said this before, maybe it makes no sense because it's like depression is more a factor, but you're like, I always think if you want to kill yourself, don't kill yourself, just do something wacky. Because once you no longer You care so little

That you're willing to die Yeah Why not go take a shit on somebody's hood Or steal an airplane You know what I mean Or go bungee jump Because you don't care if you die Yeah well I think the

If they don't die They're still living with the misery and the depression Yeah yeah They got depression obviously It's something deep going on there But you know what I mean But you know what I mean I understand the problems with the theory

But you're like Yeah If you want to Joe have a building, get a trampoline, do some backflips. Yeah, go nuts. And do it with, you know, a dildo in your ass. Why not try it? Or make yourself useful. Like, oh, there's a bomb in this building.

Everyone's too scared to try to defuse it because they might die. Let's send the suicidal guy in. Let's use this guy. That's not bad. You know, hey, oh, there's a fight going on. You step in. You don't care. Well, that's why I like, I think about suicide every day because I get sad or down or whatever.

And you just take yourself to, like, if I could kill myself, and then you're like, I don't want to do that. Right. So let me work with the problem here. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're like, well, killing myself would suck. Then I can't jerk off anymore. I can't watch Seinfeld.

So let me move backwards. So weirdly, suicide's like a safety net for me. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. And then I'm like, why don't I try to pitch a show or, you know, cheat on my wife if I'm going to die anyways. You're going to die anyway. So live it up. but no takers yet

but yeah that is your go-to whenever something happens you always go ahead I'm gonna kill myself yeah I really think about it a lot I think if they gave me a cancer

diagnosed just right away they'd be like I'm gonna kill my they're like no this is skin we just zip it off and be like that's okay yeah it's a quick fix that kill yourself

but then they always say it's so selfish it's the most selfish thing you can do well particularly once you have a kid that's really a fucked up thing to do that's true yeah yeah that's a good point

it's never gonna be all right So you've got to really, that's the problem with a kid. You've got to really ship up and fly right or whatever they say. But also the good thing about a kid. It gets people in line. I suppose so. You know, not all. Some people can just continue to shoot heroin and beat their child.

A lot of people just leave, which is classic. Classic. Classic move. My best buddy, his dad just took off. That guy's got to eat away at your ball sack. I think it eats away. And did I tell you this? Well, this is too personal.

It's a funny story, but it's too personal. It's not my story to tell, but... Ah, please. It was like, yeah, your mother got all weird. She kept wanting to be with you guys, so I couldn't handle that. What? Yeah, he was like, yeah, all of a sudden, she was different. Wow.

And he's like, so, whatever. But anyways... That's wild. Yeah, some people... Isn't that just crazy to think about just being like, I'm going to get cigarettes, and then you're like, whoof, that was a close one? Yeah. I mean, it makes sense on paper.

Like, this is hard. This is a lot of work. I don't want to do it. I'll just go. Yeah. But it's insane to do that. I'll send you some... and that'll be that.

Yeah, if you're lucky, most people don't even get the cash. That's true. Now, what do people, no one really smokes anymore? So what do people go get? I guess, vap or a soda. The cigarettes are not essential. I think you could just go, I'm going to get diapers. I'm going to get milk, yeah.

Good point. Yeah, smoking peaked 1997. We were in high school when high school smoking peaked. Every friend of, I didn't smoke, but every guy in my crew smoked. A lot of this. Yeah. All day long, I heard this. And it was cool.

Yeah, it looked great. Women loved it. And you get to throw it down. You get to put it out. You get to do this one. What's that one? You know, it's just the lighting it? Oh, yeah.

You know what else is big? Lighting two, giving a girl one. Oh, yeah. That was a smooth move. That was a big move, absolutely. Yeah, good look. They always had it on the ear. Ear was big.

I'm going to smoke this thing soon. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I remember undoing that pack was big. And I always had the lucky one that was flipped over. There's all this superstition bullshit with cigarettes. Yeah. And then there was Lucy's. That's how old...

Oh, I remember Lucy's. It was just in a jar for a quarter. Yeah, Lucy's were big. Hey, hey, folks. Two stories brought by Shopify. Starting a business is exciting, but it's easy to get in the weeds with details. That's why there is Shopify.

It's the commerce platform behind household names like Mattel and Jim Shark and millions of other businesses around the world. Not only does Shopify make accepting payments a breeze, It can also help you design online store, write product, descriptions, enhance your photography, and create marketing campaigns. Wow, they thought everything. Shopify even helps you manage your inventory and process returns. We love Shopify. We sell all kinds of goodies, merch, t-shirts, mugs. Get a mug.

I'd be dead without Shopify. Love Shopify, big fan. Stop trying to do everything yourself and let Shopify take your business to the next level. Turn your big business idea into... Chiching, with Stop Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays.

Folks, we've all turned to a bartender for lice advice. You know, when you get lice, you go to the bar and you say, hey, how do I get rid of this lice? Shampoo. Well, they have helped you through a rough night when you're dealing with. with clinical issues like anxiety and depression, you need a credentialed therapist. Better help has you covered with 100% online therapy with over 30,000 therapists in their network. No matter what's going on in your life, there's someone who can help. 30,000 folks, if you can't find a good therapist out of 30,000 in the network, you've got bigger problems than this.

That's on you. Better help is an awesome way to find a therapist. and even if you're thinking you don't need therapy, you are wrong on behalf of all of us who are sharing an earth, a country, a city, a town, a society with you, please go to therapy. It'll make you feel better. Meet with your therapist on your own schedule

and even pause your subscription any time. All you got to do is pause it. No big deal. It couldn't be easier to get the help you need. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, Better Help can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Find the one with BetterHelp. Tuesdays with Stories fans get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P-P-P-P-P dot com slash Tuesdays. Cute little blonde walking around out there. Oh, yeah. What was I going to say? I don't have much. I went to Omaha. It was fun as fucking hell. Great.

I had this in a flight home, by the way. I was in first class, got upgraded, and no one in the seat next to me. That's like double awesome. Double class. I've never had that in my life, because usually they want someone in those seats. They want to upgrade people. But nobody came, which was pretty cool. Should they invite Wayne up there?

Like, hey, let me fill this. Well, I thought about that, but the problem is it's a $1,000 seat, and he paid $180, and they give it to him. They're like, why does he get it? And that's why they upgrade people, I think. so it's always full and exciting, and you want to be up there. Well, when I was a kid, and I don't want to cut you up, but I remember the airplane would go, we have an extra seat, we're going to do trivia in first class.

You don't remember this? No. Oh, this was the thing in the 90s. What airline is this? I mean, Continental, that's why they went out of business. No kidding. One of them. There was a couple airlines that went out of business in our life.

Pan Am. It was a ton. Continental. I said that. There was, what else was there? Pan Am. Jet, what was JetBlue before JetBlue? It was like Qantas.

Quantus is there. There was Northwest Airlines at one point. That was big. But there was another big one along with Continental, American, Delta, United. Yeah, there was. Is American still a thing? Oh, yeah. I'm taking it this weekend, unfortunately.

I hate American. Well, there was Continental. Is there American Eagle? Well, that's still around. That's part of Delta, or American. whatever, that's like a smaller plane. There's weird ones, too. There's Frontier, there's Spirit, there's West Jet.

There's... Oh, fuck. What was JetBlue before it was JetBlue? Oh, yeah. That was called something. Look up JetBlue. It started as Westport or Jet... Was there Air America?

Oh, yeah, that was a podcast. That was a radio, yeah. That was like left-wing radio that tried to do. Which is always fascinating that right-wing radio has always been a thing, but left-wing that never were. it was like NPR but like they tried to do that NPR's big but podcast has a lot of left stuff that works. JetBlue, New Air. New Air. I never heard of that. That's not what I was thinking. It says JetBlue originally was New Air. What about airlines that are out of

business? Give us some airlines that are out of business. This is a low point in the show by the way. Yeah, don't go, don't go international because we're going to get Air, Singapore, quiff, Dick, Dubai bullshit. Fuck, why can't I think of it? I'm coming up. I got nothing, Jerry. Continental was big. I remember the logo. It was a square. And there was Continental Airlines Arena. That was in Jersey. I think United scooped up Continental or something.

And then there's Continental Breakfast. Yeah. And then it's the Intercontinental Champion. That's right. I was like Ultimate Warrior when I was a boy. I think there was a hotel too, the Intercontinental. Oh, yeah. Something like that. But my point is, the lady would come out and go, there's a seat in first class. Who can name the 88th president or whatever? And my brother would always get it because

he's a fucking, he's a whiz. My brother's like a genius So he would He'd be like an 8 year old In first class With his feet dangling Come on This is crazy

I don't remember this I remember that That was a thing Call in And what do you do If multiple people know the answer They just called on him

And then he sat by himself Yeah Yeah my brother's up Me and my poor Families in the back Go ahead them Come on I never heard of this

Trivia bullshit Oh it happened a few times We flew to Florida And I remember that They brought him right up They said Come here a little fat kid, and they'd give them the seat, and they give them a cookie.

Wow, all right. Some defunct airline. Please. Pan Am. Okay, we had that. That was the Pan Am building, which is now the other building. Continental. Said that.

Okay. Hooters Air. Wow, I forgot about that. Wait, what? Do you guys remember this? Yeah, that was a Kaman West. Oh, yeah. Was it literally about tiths?

Yeah, they had the waitresses. Hooters, like, an orange and the panty-house thing? Yeah, they started an airline. Hooters sucks ass That's my barometer For someone that's a fucking dick Moron idiot They're like, let's go to Hooters

I hate Hooters No offense to Bobby Jewel But he was always like Come on Hooters And I try to do a jug about this It's like The food is not good enough And the women aren't

Naked enough It's like we can go to a strip club Or a real restaurant It's like oh let's split the difference Yes, good point Let's get fully clothed women And shitty food And then they wear those stockings

that I never got. That's what I'm saying. They're like brown. They're like dark, opaque brown panties. And the people, but the wings. I'm like, wings, I want to go to a restaurant. They're not even good. Yeah. I'd rather go to real wings and then go to the titty bar. And I don't want to be this guy, but I don't know if you've been to a hooters in the last 10 years.

The body positivity movement has slid in. Oh, it's all, yeah. I mean, it's some real frumps in there. Lady Rupert's in there. It's a real Omaha fest. Omaha. Braniff. Brandif. Trans world.

Trans world. Hey, that should come back now. That's true. Trans world. It's a trans world we're living in. You got that right. Some of these are old. Like this one went out in 67.

It was central air. Oh, TWA. Oh, TWA. That's what I was thinking of. Yeah, that was big. Central air. It sounds like air conditioning. Frontier.

That's still there. Value jet. Oh, value jet. That's what I thought became JetBlue. That's what I was thinking of it. a bad, you don't want to get on value jet. For some reason, I thought value jet became jet blue. That's what I was thinking of.

It's like frugal air. No, it doesn't say anything about that way. Well, I made a mistake. It said they merged with airways and became air trans airways. Okay, well, that's not what I was thinking. I appreciate it evolved. Close enough. Eastern air.

Eastern air. This feels like the end of family feud when they do all the answers. Yeah, they go, oh, Eastern Air, yeah, good answer. People Express. People Express. That sounds like a slavery ring. Obviously, U.S. Airways. Oh, U.S. Airways.

Yeah, that's a recent one. I forgot about that. That's the other big one, I guess. That was a big one. This is a big one. This is a buddy. Carnival Airlines. Carnal, I remember that. I remember that.

By the way, you see in the black fist fights on these carnivals? No. Oh, my God. Put that in your computer and jizz on it. I don't like these fight videos. You're on YouTube a lot more than me. I'm a wholesome boy. I like a good old flashing.

Flashin? I like a good old flashing. I love a flashing. But, you know, I'm watching the television set. I see. This weekend, a boxer almost like murder. I saw that. Rampage Jackson's kid. That was gross. He should go to jail for that. What I mean? In a boxing match or in a... He was like a wrestling thing, which is fake. So he body slams the guy too hard. In like the WWF. Yeah. He's not part of it. He just ran in.

Oh. Oh, wait, what? Well, of course he should be arrested. I didn't even know that. Before the match, what happened was he agreed to, like, maybe do something. And a wrestler hit him with, like, a can in the head before. And this is outside the venue. And he didn't understand what wrestling is.

So he was pissed. I don't understand. The cameras weren't rolling. He was just hanging out and he, like, hit him with a steel chair. There was, like, cameras like, it's a shitty indie show. Oh, okay. It's not like amazing. Ah.

Then he was like, he pissed. He was pissed. And then he waited during the match. Maybe he was supposed to do a run in. I don't know. He jumped in the ring. He body slammed the guy, like, Really, really hard.

The guy's out flat on his back, and he just starts... 16 unprotected. And these are hits, like... Well, this guy is unknocked out already. Oh, you can kill him. It's gross. Oh, is that right? He had to go to the hospital.

I mean, the guy... He was getting hit with no protection, just like... Yeah, that's like attempted murder. He's probably going to be retarded. One punch when you're unconscious can kill you. What is wrong with that guy? He's Rampage Jackson's son. Rampage is actually a huge UFC fighter, big black guy.

Oh. Well, his name's Rampage. I guess. Yeah. I don't want to see the clip. It sounds horrible. It's horrible. Gomez posted a whole thing about it.

Yeah. I hope he goes to prison. It's on camera. Oh, yeah. And it is not pretty. Yeah. Then he'll go to prison. He should.

Sorry. What the fuck? This is horrible. It was horrible. It's hard to watch. It's a guy getting wailed on with no, like, Jesus Christ, it's so gross because you see his head, like, flipping and flopping. It's really gross.

Oh, Jesus. That guy's a psycho. He should be in therapy. It's like the wokenest take of all the time. You've got to send him to therapy. They got to get one of those. He needs help. Social worker.

Yeah. No police. So what were we talking about? Airlines. So yeah, my brother got to go up every time because he's a supercomputer. Wow, that's nuts. Where does he live again? No, don't tell me, Madison.

He nailed it. Yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. So he's miserable. But, yeah. Here we are. What the hell? Oh, yeah.

So Great America was amazing. Sorry, great outdoors. Then I got a... Not that great of a movie. I got to fly to... I enjoyed it. It's silly. It's silly.

It's a John Hughes. But then I had to fly to Vegas. Oh, you were in Vegas? Vegas, baby. I love Vegas. Let's just see with this the other day. I love playing poker at a casino, but I just so rarely have the chance.

Yeah, that's true. Because you don't want to be all those guys that's like, I'll be back, honey. I'm going to go... It only happens when I work in Vegas or Foxwoods. Right. Anyways. There is a charm.

to it. You don't want to be the guy who goes to Vegas eight times a year, but once a year, it's a good, it's a hoot. It's fun, yeah. I think I'm opening for Louis in December there at the arena. Well, you know, it's funny, all the news stories are like, Vegas is dead, it's over, nobody drinks, everybody's broke, it's, you know, all Vegas is is booze and money.

And I got to tell you, it's better. The riffraff's gone. No. I mean, well, you must have been in a nice place. I was at the Venetian. That sounds nice. I think it's nice. Because, I mean, the riffraff is all over. town. Well, I'm just

saying it was a lot less crocs. Oh, in the casino, you mean? Yeah, yeah. I'm talking out on the street. Fucking ship Central. It's, uh, the Vegas is, they're freaking out because no one's going anymore. It's down, tourism's down 20%, whatever the hell. Yeah, well, I was reading a thing about that and people made great point. The Vegas used

to be cheap. Yes. And free. Yes. Like you used to drink for free, there's less of that. It's hot as fuck. There's fucking heroin addict junkie. I mean, Trump's talking about coming into these cities and take it over. Go to Vegas. Bring the National Guard into Vegas. Shoot some of these shoot this motherfucker right here. And yeah, it used to be more free drinks. And now also you can gamble more places. And I think the online sports betting hurt. Draft Kings. You used to have to fly to

Vegas to place your sports bets. Now you can do it on your phone with your thumb up your asshole. A thousand percent. Yeah. So like people are like, I'm going to spend 48,000. And flights aren't cheap. You used to be able to fly to Vegas for 80 bucks. Stay in a hotel. for 140 bucks and drink for free at the table. Now it's up, up, up, up, and up. And then there's fucking it's, you know, cooks. It's like the warriors out there. Oh, it's crazy. A lot of nut jobs. You don't know

if it's Elmo or if it's a stabby guy. Yeah, exactly. So, yeah, it's, Vegas is hurting. But, yeah, they've got to bring it all down. Bring the shit back there because it was America's playground. You know, every Cleveland fat guy would go, we're going to Vegas. Cleveland, back up. There you go. But, you know,

those days are over. And, you know, Every bachelor party, every whatever was in Vegas, strip clubs, you name it. And now it's all priced out. Priced out and the sphere. Everything's fucking stupid expensive. And again, and now there's more and more casinos everywhere. That's true. There's Mohegan Sun, there's Foxwoods, Everett, Massachusetts, where I used to live, has a gigantic resort casino.

Cleveland's got a casino. Worcester has that big one now. Everyone's got casinos, so, you know, that's the way it goes. It used to be one town with fucking casinos. Exactly. And it was Sinatra, Rat Pack, Carrot Top. I will say the sphere is helping. It brings in a ton of douchebags.

I heard a rumor that the Stones may play a sit-down run next year at the sphere. If that's the case, I'm there. They say there's no bad seat. It's right outside my window. It's just this big orb with all these crazy lights on it. It'd be the Death Star for a second. Then it would go in with like stars and shooting. I was fun.

Yeah, I had that a couple years ago. I was there. So, yeah, it's great going to Vegas. You land, I land at five, the show's at seven. You go right to the Venetian, and you go to VIP. I'm one of the comedians, and they go, take this elevator, you're in the suite. And you feel like home alone. You forget, oh, I'm playing Vegas.

It's a great man. It's big bucks, yeah. I feel like an autistic guy, and I go up the elevator, you open the suite, you're like, oh, my God. You just want to invite all your friends over. Come on over. We've got the suite. It's like three rooms, a giant shower, a whirlpool. tub I got a bar in there

you get a room service cop Wow and it makes no sense I know because we talk about this all the time I still see myself as like a seven year old boy with the thumb in my ass crying jumping on the bed eating Twizzlers yeah and then you're like how am I here and you want to return it you're like this is a mistake yeah motel 6 I'm a bag of shit my fucking my mother hates me

my father doesn't hug me I'm sorry I'm here and it's just crazy yeah exactly you want to Everyone you've ever met in your life and like, look at this. Get in here. It's insane. I'm filming it. I'm like doing, who am I going to show this to? I'm just filming the whole room.

I'm jumping on the bed. I'm taking a bath. Splish-plash. And then you go down to the show and guess who I got opening? Let me guess. Hold on. All right. Oh, I got it.

Noah got in Schwartz. You got it, buddy. Nice pull. Daddy do. Daddy don't. Great guy. Killed it. Did 25 up top.

Hot stuff. Then they go. hey, here's your restaurant buyout. And I'm like, what the hell is a restaurant buyout? They go, if you want to eat, go eat. We'll make a reservation for you, any restaurant you want, and here's your money. So I go, hey, Noah, I take him and his wife out. We go to a nice sushi joint, we drink and gallivant all night.

Wow, he's got two kids now, right? Yeah, yeah. She's 35 with two kids. What's that I mean? They got in early. Oh, oh. I mean, early by our standards, I guess. I guess so, yeah.

Because, yeah, my parents had two kids at 22. Jesus, that's crazy That's crazy I was raised by like a 23 year old That is bonkers Isn't that insane to think about Is that why you call her Deb? I think so

I think it's more just Lack of warmth Ah Yeah, it's co-workers Oh, hey, hello my name Yeah But I mean, isn't that wild To think about

Like just a fucking 22 year old kid Being like All right When I was 22 I was like Let me do this open mic Yeah, when I was 22

I mean I don't know I was drinking quite a bit as well Oh I was drinking for Dane Cook when I was 22 After Beach Casino Ballroom What a thrill You're the original Matt Rife

Yeah I didn't really capitalize so well I mean Dave Cook was like You gotta stop drinking You got a problem Oh wow Isn't that crazy? He was the first person I should call him and say thanks

He was the first person in my life That was like This is insane Yeah I didn't even know him I was at a comedy club I showed up I was on a booze cruise

Came off and I was like I'm gonna run upstairs The Comedy Connection And then I saw him in the hallway I was like Remember I open for you And he was like, why are you here? This is nuts.

Look at you. And I thought I was like pulling it off. I was like, what? And he's like, you shouldn't be. I've had that twice. And then I came, when I moved to New York, I went to the cellar and was just drinking beers at the bar. And Colin Quinn was like, don't drink here. Yeah.

You got to get out of here. Don't make this the place you drink. That's crazy. Smart. I mean, it's good advice. It is good advice. But I really thought my retardation, this is why my career is where it's at. My instinct was like, I'll go to the bar at the olive tree, sit and pass.

beers and eventually they'll go hey you've been drinking here a bunch right why don't you go on yeah they didn't even know as a comedian i wasn't even like schmoozing i was literally sitting by myself like looking over my shoulder at gregg geraldo being like oh my god they're here oh this so fucking stupid that's crazy but that's kid brain that's drunk brain yeah so dang cook Colin Quinn both were like this is no good this might be embarrassing but remember we did that that's it video with yannis of course thousand years ago yeah yeah it was huge so at one they go, let's take a break, let's everybody go get lunch. So me and you got pizza, and you got a beer with your pizza.

That sounds right. And it was about 1 p.m., you're drinking a beer. And I remember Nick Turner. Remember Nick Turner? Of course, I know, Nick Turner. One of the funniest people of all time. Such a funny guy. Moved to L.A., whatever, funny dude.

But he goes, he still thinks that's cute. Oh, wow. He said that to me. And I was like, oh, wow. That was like, whoa, that was kind of a, what do you call? A wake-up call. How about Nate? Remember when we did that gig in Philly?

And Nate said to you, and then you told me. which is kind of a dick move, but I appreciate it. Sorry. You were like, he was like, yeah, Nate was like, what's he the party guy? He's just the party guy? Yeah. Yeah, that hurt, but it helped me. Well, I was trying to tell you as like, hey, look what this guy's saying.

Yeah. I wasn't trying to. Well, you threw him right under the bus, but I'm still mad at him. Well, he's done all right for himself, and so have I. You're doing great. You compare me to him. I'm doing pretty poorly. You compare me to, you know, Rupert.

Yeah, you're going to live longer. Well, now, let me ask you this. Someone just walked by and made me think, why are Asians, why is that the only culture that uses umbrellas in the sun? I think is they're sensitive to the sun, although so are the Irish. Irish are. I've never seen an Irish guy walking around with an umbrella. But Irish are also sensitive to being pussies. Right.

What are you doing with the fucking umbrella, you're fucking homo? Yeah, what are you, Mary Poppins, you're fucking. Now that's the title. Mary Poppins, you're fucking. Put a little bleep on that, just a little once. They know what we're saying, but, you know. A little... Bleep the first half of the word.

Keep good. Yeah. But anyway, that's never caught on. No, never. I've never seen anyone non-Asian with an umbrella in the summer. A hundred percent agree. And I'll throw another bone at you. The mask.

The Asians are doing the mask in 2001. Yeah. Well, Jim Carrey did it in 94. Then another guy did it in the 80s. But also, the umbrella we embrace at the beach, but not walking around. At the beach, everyone's got an umbrella. It's all umbrella. You pop it in there.

Yeah. But on the street, you don't walk around with the umbrella, but it makes sense. We only do rain. Where rain umbrellas, no sun, the ancients. Umbrella. Smart. They're smart people. Absolutely.

And very, I love Asian culture. I know I do the voice and everything. Everyone hates me. But I love the Zen Buddhism. Number one, culture, I'd say. Yeah. Love it. Now let me throw this at you and see what you think and give it to me straight.

All right. I did an Asian joke somewhere and some guy was like, you're punching down. And I go, they're actually doing better than us. So wouldn't I be punching up? And he was like, no, no. And I'm like, I looked it up. The Chinese immigrant or whatever the hell, the Chinese family is way more income.

They have way less divorce, way less crime, way better school. Yeah. I mean, that's just a moron. Okay. Well, the punching up in general, punching up, punching down is stupid. And also punching down when it comes to Ray is just so blatantly racist. It's a soft racism. It's a hard racism.

It's literally like, hey, we're superior. Yeah, there's a lot of that going on. It's like, I mean, how could you interpret it any other way to be like, we're punching down? Well, they go, well, they're marginalized and they've had oppression. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not talking about that. I'm just making a joke. Yeah, I'm making a joke, and you're marginalizing them by putting them in a category and trying to defend them as though they can't say anything. And also, I'm including them.

Right. Which is, I thought that was a good thing to include. Sure. Inclusion? You never hear about exclusion. I think you do Well you go this club is very exclusive Right

But it doesn't mean to not let in people You see what I'm saying Like we go hey that's club is very inclusive They allow everyone We're an inclusive club or Or restaurant or whatever the fuck But you never go this club is very exclusive That never means

Keeping out the blacks or whatever No but it doesn't mean keeping people out I guess so but it never goes to race You keep in the high quality But I'm saying inclusion It's always a connotation with gay or this is a very inclusive establishment. We include everyone, but if it's exclusive, that means it's high end. It doesn't mean we keep these out.

Right, but it means to keep out poor people, I think. I guess it's poor. Or people with holes in their jeans or their fat and ugly or whatever. But it's almost a compliment. Hey, this is an exclusive party we're at. Yeah, but it's a compliment, but it's exclusive in that you've got to have some status to get in here. Right, right. Just saying it never equates to gay or race, the way.

way inclusive does. Yeah. Exclusive. Well, what did they call it? Restricted was the old term. Oh, that's right. No Jews. Restricted.

Yeah. Well, no Jews, but also no blacks. There was no club. There was no golf club that was like, black people welcome just we don't want the Jews. Although that might come now with the everything going on out there. Well, what gives you hope is Irish need not apply. That isn't even in the ether anymore. That's not even an afterthought.

Right. You know, we bring, oh, slavery, oh, intermicanz with the Japanese. but Irish need not apply, it never even comes up, which is a great sign for the Irish. That means you guys really cleaned up your act. Yeah, I think so. That's really good. No one talks about that. Yeah, we had that president, too.

I mean, he only lasted two years before he got his head blasted off. Well, Bill Maher says JFK, Obama was to black, which was JFK to the Irish. Yeah, because it was the first one. Much more successful presidency. Obama. Yeah. Yeah, two of them. Not even compare it.

Comparatively. All right. Well, we got to wrap this fucking thing. What a wacky episode. Thanks for picking up the slack. I went to Omaha. Nothing happened. Well, just say Vegas was awesome.

Thanks for coming out. Noah killed it. And I had a fun time. But getting home as a bitch. I love Vegas. I love Noah. I love gambling. I love gambling.

I like playing cards. Yeah, it's fun. It's good for you. But, uh... Are you going to be there, fed stuff? I don't even know. When does this come out? What day has this come out?

Good question. Aguato. So second week of September. Yeah. Ooh, I got to pee. Well, this week I'm in Denver. We added a Sunday show. Go!

Oh! So, you probably missed out in all the other days. Denver Comedy Works Sunday. And then I have Addison Improv. That's Dallas, right? You got that right. Addison Improv coming up. I also have Brea Improv in a couple weeks.

That's a fun room. Oh, no, Irvine. Even better. Irvine's better than Brea. Yeah, that's the original. That's like the Orange County Club. Yes, I love that. club. It's fucking massive. So please, come

on down to that, come out to that. I got Luke bonus on that one. Irvine Improv. And the movie's out. For God's sakes. Please. I'm begging you. Please, Jerry. Great movie. Please. Get it on Punch Up. Go to Punch Up. It's fucking

six bucks, which is a... That's like... I went to McDonald's the other day. It was like $13. Just me. Donald's is out of control. Six bucks. That's what a coffee cost in Starbucks. You'll own it forever. It's a minute movie. Chuck, you saw it? Yeah.

It's very good. Did you? I didn't get to see it. I didn't go to the premiere. You got to buy it. Buy it. You owe it money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buy it. Mark, you loved it. I loved it. It's funny. It's point. It's heart breaking, heart wrenching, heartwarming. Heartwarming. Your heart will be warm. Bill Burr said it's a beautiful film. He texts me all the time. I'm really trying to make him sell this book.

Yeah, get that blurb out there. Bill Burr. Low blurb. Hey. That's not bad. I like it, right at the buzzer. Go buy it for the love of fucking Christ. Yes, not to piggyback on your fat ass, but I'm going to Boulder. We out of the show, let's try to sell it out. We're going to tape this fucker for Netflix or Hulu or 4chan, whatever it is.

And I'm also in D.C., San Diego, Baltimore, Or, Akron, Dayton, Hattiesburg, and what's that one in Alabama? Huntsville. Huntsville. There is. Appreciate it. There we go. NASA, Braun Vaughn, the Nazi.

I got a pee. Chuck, take it from here. Hey, everybody. Check out my podcast. Fun Barable with Ray Harrington and Brad Roar. We do a lot of fun stuff, very weird, written stuff, stuff that has to do with current movies and television. Weapons. Yeah, exactly.

We've got to talk about weapons. It's a witch. Shut the fuck off. It's been like six weeks. Funbearablepod.com at FunbearablePod. And check out Ray Harrington's new Don't Tell. One of the clips is up to like 120,000 views. It came out like two days ago.

Don't tells are big. Yeah, so check that out. Yeah, Funbearablepod.com. Fun stuff. All right. Thanks for being here, guys. Mark is dead. George is dead.

Call me back. Patreon. Join the Patreon. We've got a good Patreon. We've got a good bonus right now. Those things have been really fun.