Tuesdays with Stories! - #622 Suge and Vanilla

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Joe meets a grifter artist. Mark heads to Texas and Salacuse can NOT HANG. Joe goes to the US Open, sees a disastrous mistake AND a severe case of seat stealers. It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS and use code TUESDAYS and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Hey! We're back, we're here. Boy, it's good to see you. We did a little vent sesh up top. We got the garbage out, and now we can really have sex. Yeah, now I'm excited. But that should just be a Patreon.

We should just go full-on. Here's who we hate. Here's who sucks. Bitch-fest. This person didn't deserve that. This guy didn't deserve this. This guy's ugly. That lady I'd like to fuck.

That's all they want, by the way. Every YouTube video is like, ooh, Big J shit on Lewis. Here it is. It's an eight-second clip, but that's all they want the feuding, they want the drama, it's housewives all over again.

Maybe we should give it to them. Let's do it. Fuck you, Brian Regan, you piece of shit. Yes. You fucking asshole showing up to everyone's shows to support and hang out and buy drinks. I'm glad Greg Geraldo's dead.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Patrice can suck it out. Yeah, Patrice, you fat ass. Richard Jenny, you fucking have... You deserved it. Mitch Hedberg, I never even got...

No, wait, no shit. Okay. Headberg, I never listened to the third album. Oh, my gosh, or something like that? I should get that in there. Yeah, I mean, it's rough, but there's moments. Oh, okay. I love a moment.

I was just listening to Old Woody album because I don't want to rant. We don't want to get into it. Bill Maher, who I'm the biggest Mill Bar fan there is, Roseanne Barr's cousin, Mill. Epstein's Bar. I love Bill Maher. Never miss an episode of real time. I haven't missed an episode in 15 years. I do the pod even.

I listen to the pod of Bill Maher. Yeah, I listen to a lot of it. They had Woody Allen on, my number one, my idol, my guy, my hero, my most important artist of my life. Buddy old pal. And he has 90-year-old Woody Allen on. You should listen to it to hear how much he interrupts. That is an atrocity. It's appalling.

Bill Maher should lose his podcast. license. Well, I'm not this guy, but I'm like on Instagram, all caps being like, Bill, listen back to the, I'm burning bridges here. That's how bad it is. It's bad. It's bad. You get Woody in your dumb club random, whatever that means. You sip it on your bullshit booze with your dumb cigarettes and weed and then you step all over them. It's Woody. Less weed. Less pot. These people, I like pot. I mean, I haven't had it in a long time. On the kettle of the N-word. Pot-belly cookies, I love.

Pot-belly sandwich. Yeah. Harry Potter. Rupert. Pott is great. Yes. Rupert's fat. Oh, yeah.

I'm not anti-wee, but some of these people, they don't realize. You are fucked up. You're altered. Like, he's just like, what? He's just cutting off. He has no self-awareness. I think because he's stoned or he's an asshole. I don't know.

But Woody is like, well, that film, I wanted to. I mean, I don't know why I'm making. him British. But whatever, I can't do voices. He's literally starts saying like, well, I felt this way, and Bill's like, no, get out of here. And then he just taught, you cannot believe it. You should listen to it just to hear how egregious

it is. I know, we're so close. He's like, it's like edging. I'm like, uh, what he's going to talk? Yeah. It's, uh, never came. It's bad. Bill, listen to it. Like I said, go back, listen to it. It's also funny because what he's like, did you play the bitter end? He's like,

the bitter end. He's like, I was 10. I started in 1985. Yeah, yeah. I know, it was a real problem. And Bill, I could tell he's... Can we hit the AC, by the way? He's trying to show reverence, but you're showing reverence by interrupting.

You know, you're so excited that you're like, you could have made that film. No, no, you were great. I got to cut you off. No, you're awesome. And you're like, let him talk. That would be reverent. It's crazy.

Exactly. That's how you have reverence for your elder. You let him fucking speak. And also, at the end, he goes, I'm a big fan. He's like, but you didn't make a couple turkeys. I'm like, why did you say that? Why do you need that?

The guy's 90 years old. I know. All he talks about is how his movies are bad. He made bad movies. He's never made a great movie. And then you just throw in, yeah, a couple of your movies suck. Yeah. What kind of person are you?

Well, I have a theory. And now we're going back into the Bill, the Mar, the Mill Bar. Mill Bar. We're going back in the Mill Bar. We're going back in the Milbar catalog here. So he had Bill Burr on, I don't know, eight years ago. And Bill Burr was still below Mar then. And Bill Maher interrupts him 18 times, and eventually Bill goes, hey, let me finish, let me talk, let me talk.

And it was like this weird flipping of the superiority or what do you have you flipping the power. It's good for the goose. It's good for the gander. And then Bill came on his podcast eight years later and totally just troutses him. He's batting him around like a rag doll. And I almost think it was like a wait till I get my hands on you again eight years later. and I'll show you who's what. I would love if Woody came on at 98

and was like, listen up, you didn't let me speak last time. Yes. You know, whatever. Soon ye. But I needed Woody so bad afterwards that I put on his old record and I'm giggling like a school girl

because he's number one. So good. My wife's very immature when I would take a bath. You would come in and sink my boats. Some great stuff. He's the greatest. Reformed rabbi. He was a Nazi.

He's great. And oh, and then he did he do. get to plug his novel. Like at the end Bill Maher literally goes so your book is out on paperback now as soon that's why you're here and earlier he had tried plugging his novel like he had talked about his novel and Bill's like you have a

novel? I swear to God. I couldn't make it that far. It's fucking nuts. The end of it he doesn't even know why he's there but whatever we're here to bring people up not bring people down. Well when have we we meet you Sam we're all texting like Woody's on a pod! We all got excited

that's never happened in history and then it was all fucking ruined all for not all for snot yeah one one for all all the family remember hook

you like that movie I did love hook that was fun run home jack and rufio the fat black kid but yeah I loved hook was maybe the fat black kid

would roll down the thing yeah he's a little patrice yeah and he gets the sword at the end he's like the new leader I knew whenever I was a kid and like rob Williams was gonna give the sword away

I was like, it's going to be the fat black kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because he was funny, he was cute. I knew right away. I was like, that's who's getting it. He was very likable. Jolio Roberts is in there. Oh, Tinkerbell.

Stinkerbell. Cockado do, do. Remember they would crow? Like, if you look back, that must have been real cringy to make. Rob Mulley's like an ex-cocad. He was fucking all these chicks on the road. He's an animal out there. He's a morgue and Mindy.

And then all of a sudden, he's wearing tights going, Rufio. Right. He's kind of hanging out with eight-year-olds. That's fascinating. All that talent. Dustin Hoffman, Roberts. Spielberg, I think, did it.

Spielberg directed it. Yeah, those kids. A young Gwyneth Paltrow, I believe, is in it as well. What? I believe so. Give that a goug if you can. Is that right? She must have been 11 or something like that.

She was the girl, Molly, or Wendy, or whatever. Oh. I think that was a Peltro. Wendy. No kidding. Put Gwyneth Paltrow hook. I'm going to bet my bottom dollar. Bet your bottom dollar, you were best done to

Russia. Oh, my God. Is that your neighbor? Yeah. She was a smoke show. Yeah, young Wendy. Thank you. I love young girls. Drop a Google image for me. I would like to see that. I'd kind of like to see that. Best moment of my life. That's my, that's the neighbor guy. He's a scary dude. Oh, yeah, he's cool looking. He's like a finance guy. He's like all business. He's one of these, get out of my way. Don't talk to me. I got work to do. But we were watching cop and a half.

Cop and a half. Remember that with Bert Reynolds? Wow. Yeah, that's a poll. What was that? 90? 92. Easily 92. Bert Reynolds was like a grizzled cop kind of guy. He was like over the hill. He hates running. Remember that? Yeah, there's a lot of kids cop movies. Kid to Garden cop. K-9. Turner and Hooch. Turner and Hooch. Yeah. It was before we hated cops. Yeah. That's her. Wow. There she is. That's her. That's when I came. Wow. I had no visual of that. No, I got a poster in my room. No kidding. But yeah, we were watching. a cop and we were little kids and we skateboarded all the time and there was a kid skateboarding in the scene and like they bump into the cop he's like get out of here kid get a job whatever and

I go I think that's Andrew Reynolds as a kid who's that he's like one of the best skaters of all time like pro great skater street guy and all my friends like yeah that's Andrew Reynolds and I was like it kind of looks like him this kid's like eight you know skateboarding and I'm like I think it is and I sat there with the credits in the VCR what did I miss it and it said skateboard kid, Andrew Reynolds, and I fucking laughed all the way to the bank. That was your Dana Bash. Yes, exactly. Dana.

I got 20 messages already. Oh, really? Yeah. Dana, it's Dana. These guys are idiots. Google fucked me. People say Dana on the show, but I think they don't know her. They say it wrong.

Yeah. I got a couple things. I got some stuff to put in my own ass. I mean, these are little nothing thing. Well, first of all, this just happened today. Uh-oh. What do you make of this? I'm out on the battery park.

By the way, the weather has been fucking perfect every day. Unreal. This is it. Literal perfect. Seventy-three, sunny, breeze. Blue skies smiling at me. Today, I'm with the baby. We're hanging out.

This guy walks up. A lengthy, lanky homo, and he says, excuse me, excuse me? And I'm like, well, I'm playing with a baby. To me, baby is hands off unless you got a baby. I don't get, like, that's the whole benefit of having a child. Yes. As people don't go, can I get a couple bucks?

You're like, I got a baby. I'm busy. I'm busy. Occupato. These shoes are expensive. Pardon me, and he's not bothering anyone else. He's got a little pad, and he goes, I'm a artist, I'm a sketch artist, and I do art.

Oh, man. I'm a celebrity sketch artist. I've sketched Bill Murray and Seth Rogan. Could I, do you have a couple bucks that could borrow? Not borrow. Can I have a couple bucks? Oh, I thought he was going to draw you. I thought so, too.

First of all, I thought he was going to be like, you're Joe Lest, and I want to draw you next to Bill Burr or Bill Maher, whatever the fuck, whoever I said, Bill Murray. Joe Lisp. He's just asking for $2, but I'm like, but you're an artist. Yeah. Offer me the art. Yes, yes, that's the exchange.

That's the gig. And he wasn't bothering anybody else. And I went, no, and he was like, he did like a. I hate the. But I was like, I'm with. the child. He's on a wall. He's like climbing a rock wall thing. You can fall and die. Sure. And what difference

does it make who you've drawn? I can't see the drawing. Yeah. I could just go, hey, hey, I made a movie and you know, one's about cars, the other one's about farts. Like, if I can't see it, what the fuck do I give a shit? We can do this all day. Hey, I tell

jokes. Can I get two bucks? Tell me one then. You come because of Nazi? Didn't make any sense. And I'm like, let me see the drawing. You said that? No, no, I didn't say it. But I'm also like, it was a pretty quick exchange, but also like, well, I could draw Bill Murray. Aha.

It doesn't mean it's good. Hey, I can walk up and go, hey, I draw. Or Millbury. I draw, I drew fucking Cleopatra and my sister's ass and Ellen DeGeneres on a motorcycle. The big three. The trio. And people go, hey, can I have a few bucks? It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, yeah, right. Or just ask for money. What difference does it make what you do? I completely agree. What you're telling me is you have a job. Yes. So the whole thing was very bizarre to me. And not to get into it, but you're an artist.

Starving is the thing. You're supposed to be a starving artist. So go starve. Yes. Or sell me the drawing of Bill Murray. Right. Right. Say, hey, pardon me.

Excuse me. I drew Bill Murray. Do you like him? Because here's the drawing. And I'd go, fuck it. Hey, I love Bill Murray. His 30 bucks. Yeah, that's good penmanship.

Right. Is that one of those? No, I think. it's a drawing ship. Illustration. Yeah, good art, good draw. Yeah, good draw. Draw. Remember those movies? Draw. Well, good draw is a comic.

He's a good draw. Oh, yeah. So there's a couple draws. Then draw your gun, then let's draw me a bath, which is a little confusing. Oh, yeah. He can draw one. Draws, the Steven Spielberg movie? All right. Oh, yeah. I'm going to kill myself. Anyways, that was my small. That's also what black milk all underwear. Pulled your draws up.

Exactly. Anyways, that was just a little appetizer. Oh, maybe. A little mozzarella stick. Well, did you give him any cash? Because he didn't deserve it if you asked me. No, I gave him a little attitude. I was like, no.

All right. Well, what for? I didn't care for his pitch. It made no sense. I drew Bill Murray and Seth Rogen because he's implying that he was with Bill Murray. Oh. To me. Otherwise, he's like, these are some people I drew. I never saw the art.

Right. It made no sense. No sense. I guess I didn't even think about that. That means you were in front of Bill Murray at one point, which is kind of cool. Well, that would be the only thing that makes it... Interesting.

Yeah, a credit. Because anybody can look at a magazine of Bill Murray and go, okay. That's what I'm saying. I could draw Gwyneth Paltrow as a girl with a dick in her ass. It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean it's good. If it was good, I would love it.

Sure. But that reminds me of years ago when I was a boy starting out in comedy, there was a guy I was hosting the show and I was like, what do you want me to say? I was like, tell him I just wrote a movie script. And I was like,

well, what kind of credit is that? If I could do that. Yeah, I write one tomorrow. Yeah. I can write a movie script in the next 15 minutes. It doesn't mean anything. Doesn't mean it's good.

Doesn't mean it's going to get made. Isabel Hagen won best screenplay at the Tribeca Film Festival and grew up in Tribeca, which is crazy. That's cool. That's a credit. That's good. Oh, shit.

She wrote a screenplay that won an award. But just be like, this guy wrote a thing. That's crazy. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, yeah. And also, I don't love this one if we're talking credits that are annoying. And I'm an asshole.

But the, tell them I was, what do they call it, like announced in the New York Times or I was mentioned? Mentioned? Yeah, I was about, tell him I was mentioned in Time Out in New York. And I'm like, but you could have gotten robbed. Right. They might not have to do with comedy. Like, oh, this person has a new cancer. I got mentioned in New York Times.

It has nothing to do with comedy. Well, there's a comedian from Boston who's dead now. And they, I'll say they, so we don't. know the gender. They... Trans. Nah. Oh, okay. But, oh, that the qualities of old genders.

It doesn't matter. Anyways, they're dead. But they used last comic standing as a credit, but they were on worst of the worst. Oh. How funny is that? Oh, damn. Which would be funny if it was done ironically. Right. It was done just like, hey, fuck you.

I was on there. And it was like, she was... Oh, they... Right. She was in the... At the end, they're like, just for fun during the credits, So we're going to show you the biggest dog shit, horse shit, hack, axe. Yeah, people will really finagle a credit.

You know, when, like, you do a shitbox bar show and Jim Gaffkin shows up. They're the guy who goes, tell him I open for Gaffigan. Right. You just went before about a bar show that he dropped in on. Yeah, he didn't invite you to the show. Exactly, exactly. Or what's that award show where you get the worst movie, the Raspberry? The Razzie.

The Razies. You could go, I'm an award-winning filmmaker. Right. But you might have gotten the worst filmmaker of all time award. Also, another one was, there was a guy in Boston, a comedy booker who was on Letterman. Book of T. But he did stupid human tricks. Ah.

And then he did it twice, and each episode repeated. So he said four times on Letterman. Ooh. But he did stand-up zero times. Exactly. So, I get it. It's a tough biz. You got to do what you can.

You got to make it work. And it's not really a lie, but we know what's going on here. Yeah, yeah. It's something. Yeah. So what happened? That's it. By what story?

I'm kicking it over to you. Oh, I got some stuff. This was just a little piece of grass, and I got some more later. Touch grass. That's what they say. Yeah, that's a big thing. I'll literally, we'll go to the park, and I'll take my son's foot, and I'll just touch the grass. I'm like, ah, he's good.

Very good for him. I had somebody yell touch grass, not yell, but like comment that on one of my, oh, it's like a YouTube video. Someone was like, touch grass, Joe, and I'm like, I'm in the most grass. Yeah. I'm in the grass every day. Right. I'm like, I just did a month. vacation, I'm in the ocean.

You just heard that. You're using it. You're like a YouTube commenter commenting on somebody's thing. You're touch grass. Yeah, you touch grass. You're talking about the internet. I'm like, I'm in the grass. Literally every morning I get up, I take my son to the playground.

We're outside in the playground on the grass. That's healthy. And then at night, I work. I don't really understand. I'm like, yeah, get out of here. Touch grass. Socializing every day. You're with your friends.

You're hanging out. You're chatting. You're talking. It's good stuff. I'm rolling in the grass. I had a park hang yesterday. Frisbee, the works. There you go. Bill Mars, smoking too much grass, and he's interrupting. But, yeah.

You got that straight. So last week was like one of these, the toughest week ever. I had to have a sit-down with the wife. Like, next week is going to be insane. I'm doing 10 shows in, sorry, 12 shows in Texas. I'm going to be gone for five days. It's almost a week. I'm doing soul Joles the night before that.

And I have podcasts. So I'm just like, this is going to be one of those weeks. I'm out. I'm out, baby. So don't give me the Wait, when are you gone till? When are you coming? I'm like, let's lay it all out

So you don't have to feel sad or be mad or whatever So Did Soul Joles on Tuesday? All right. Two shows and it sits a hall You got to get out. You always forget how long it takes To get to Soul Jules.

Very long. And then you go, oh, the shows at 7 and you're looking at the ETA. You're like, hey, Joel, we're going to get there at 708. Always. Every single time. I've never been early for Soul Jules. No, no one has.

but it all works out, and Joel's the man, and it's one of the best clubs. I'll be there September 17th. Hey, there you go. It's a great room. It's just the hottest crowd. They love comedy. They're so appreciative. And Joel, he made a new green room.

It's bigger. The food's great. The whole thing's great. It's great room. Hey, getting married. That's right. Yeah. Congrats.

And I think he's got a documentary coming out. And a book. And a book. Book is out. Or he sent me. Maybe he sent me the whatever. And the indigent. Yeah.

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Oh. I know. That's one of the homeowners. No homeowner. I know. I had this conversation all the time. Lewis is like, I had to fix the railing. It was $5,800.

Yes, yes. So the guy comes in. He's like a guy with a uniform on. He's like a Long Island guy, thick accent, you know, hairy forearms. And he comes in, he's like, yes, this is all I got to go. You're just like, you just hear toching, to ching, to ching. He's like, Asian guy? Like this pipe's no good.

He's like, that should be going to the sewer and it's going right up your ass. This is good, this is bad. Your wife's ugly. Your dad's gay. He's just going all around. The cat's weird. And then he goes, he's sitting down to the counter. He's like, oh, yeah, you know, you're going to need to do humidifier down there.

We got a grade A, highest volume, octane, dehumidifier. We'll get that down there. He's just filling out that yellow carbon paper, you know, doing this. He's got the calculator out. He's got the green visor, that whole thing. And then he goes, all right, I'm going to give you a deal, though. I'm going to cut that off, and then we'll cut that. We'll get rid of it.

You don't need that. Okay. Try to take a wild shot in the dark on the price of this. All right. Well, I don't want to go too high because it ruins the story. But I don't want to, it's got to be high. Yeah, it's a number. It's a whopper.

I'm going to say $5,700. $28,000. What? 28 grand. I can buy a Honda Civic. What? Yes, 28 grand for a leaky basement. And I'm like, I'll buy a humidifier.

Like, what's that going to pull off? I go to Target and get a dehumidifier. Like, what are we talking here? What are you, are you rusing me? Because this guy was like, we've been around for 70, years. I'm legit. I'm the number one guy on the internet. Everybody recommends me. I got five stars. So I'm like, the guy is a pro. He clearly knew what he was talking about. But is he taking me for a ride or is this just home owning? But what? I'm like, I'm spacious. I mean,

I don't know all the lingo because he came in and did a full overhaul. What the fuck's a dehumidifier? I've heard of a humidifier. Well, it's moisture down there and you got to get it out. You got to suck it out. So is it a permanent? It lives there? Or is that a one-time deal? No, no, he's going to buy us one. But aren't we in the basement? No, no, this is the first floor. Basement's basement. Oh, there's basement below that.

Oh, yeah, it's like, you know. Oh, I didn't even know that. Oh, I didn't realize that. Oh, I didn't realize that. But I had stuff down there all goddamn. So it's like Katrina all over again. Oh, my God. I know.

So it's just. Oh, what about the guy that sold you the house, the realtor and all these people? Shouldn't they fucking pay for some of that? That's a good point. Hey, you sold me a lemon, you fucking ass. A wet, moist lemon. That's a good point. Maybe I will hit him up.

Maybe talk to the realtor and go, hey, not for nothing. People, they like that. People would say that, hey, not for nothing. Here's the thing. Listen up. All that shit, you say. One of those things. And say, hey, I just got hit with the, I've had the house for a year.

I just got hit with a $28,000 bill because it's wet down there. That's good. I'm going to do that today. When you leave, I will text the guy. Please. And see if he can get you a deal or a. a thing or go, oh, fuck. It just seems crazy. 30,000.

That's a down payment on a house. I know. It's insane. So, like, maybe I'll text my guy and go, how about this? Do you know a guy who could do it for $5,000? Because $30,000. It's insane. I could buy Epstein's Island. Well, rule of thumb, if something costs $28,000, you don't want to pay $5,000.

But you'd like to pay $20,000. Yeah, 18. Which is still a lot of money, but at least, I mean, 10. Yeah, I mean, if a camera guy says, hey, I'll film you for 4,000, and someone goes, I'll do it for 300. It's probably going to be a shitty job. Good point. Especially with a hooker.

This hooker's 2 grand. This one's 11 bucks. Yeah, yeah. Hooker is probably the biggest. Yeah, yeah. Watch out, but 28,000. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, it's a real kick in the dick.

And, of course, the lady's like, ah, you know, the guy's got a uniform on. I think we should just do it because it'll be done right. and I'm like, that's easy for you say. Right. Coming out of my purse. Yeah, yeah. I've been in that spot before. They're like, hey, they got a good-looking fillet.

And I'm like, they sure do. Yeah, must be nice. I'm like, they got a good look at additional topping, too. Exactly. Shut out Justin McKinney, great bit. It's like one time I was on a flight, I was sitting at first class, and I had a dad and his little four-year-old daughter walked on, and she goes, well, dad, why don't we sit here?

This is nice. That's shit back there. like they're walking into the plane. And the dad was like, well, you know, this is $8 million. We couldn't afford it. And I'm getting all this. Just walking by. And she's like, yeah, but it doesn't make any sense.

We should sit here. That's crap back there. And he was like, yeah, we can't afford that. And she was like, why not? And it was a whole. And I just felt so bad for the guy. And I almost gave him my seat, but I did. Right.

No, you can't give him the seat. Come on. What are you crazy? Well, that's, I mean, that's, so they're basically saying it's going to keep happening. Unless you take care of it Like hey it's gonna key And he's like Hey it's gonna be the rainy season

Hurricane season's coming up buddy That's September So we might as well Get to work And you're like Is this adulthood I got a baby screaming I got a hairbrush up my ass

And I got 30 grand in the basement Well I talk about this all the time Is every fucking homeowner Goes you're a retard If you don't buy a house You're a more I get it all the time All day people are like

You're a fucking idiot Your kid's gonna be homeless You're paying too much rent You piece of shit Throwing it down the toilet. And everybody I talked to, Bobby Lewis, they're late for every podcast because they're in three hours of traffic. They live out in the sticks. It's $5,800 for this.

It's a $5,000 for this. Yep. My sink breaks. I text a guy. He comes down and he fixes it. I know. Yeah, you text to Hector or Paco or Pablo and they're right in there. But I understand it's an investment and you can sell this thing as you should.

Yeah, but if Zoran Mamdudu comes in here and he goes, hey, well, that house is a house is. going to begin. We're going to give that house to the government to make it subsidized public housing and you have to live in a, you know, a broom closet. This is going to be a grocery store. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, this will be a trans hospital or something. That sucks ass, but maybe with the $30,000 it becomes a beautiful base. Maybe you can put a water slide down there or really make it into something. Have a band practice. Sure, a gym, something like that. Rends it out to Chuck. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, I can do an old podcast. We're on green screen.

porno casting couch, you name it. Wait, this isn't bad. What if you get, because comics are always looking for shitty places. You get one of your shitty comic people. You know a bunch. Oh, yeah, big time. Everyone you name is terrible.

Sure. You get a rent. You go, hey, there's no windows. It's soundproof. $600 a month. You'll never hear anything. It's a great neighborhood right next to the subway. And I'll go cheap.

What's Gotham Studios charging you up? $11. No, I'm talking to live. Huh? I'm talking to... Oh! I don't want some quiff, open mic are down there writing bad jokes. I guess that's a good point, but...

I'll run it out. You want to film stuff? You want to do porno? You want to do child porn or brothel, whatever. Put a studio down there, green screen, all that shit. I mean, Rupert probably can't fit, but some of these guys... Oh, you got a package. We've never done an episode where someone's not arriving at your house.

This is Grand Central Station out here. You want to send Chuck out there or what? Yeah, get out there. Chuck can come out. What are you doing? You're sitting here. I'm going up to stoop. Oh, boy.

Well, I'm just worried somebody's going to steal the box, because I don't know if you've gotten to look around in the hood, but you've got the lady and the other lady. You've got two ladies up there. Well, one lady's up on the second floor doing work, and I saw the other lady go to the park. Ah, did she bring the baby? Yeah. Oh, thank God. Anyways, that's a kick in the ball.

I mean, that's fucking crazy. Because I have that thing with everything I buy, even with a bar of soap. You're just thinking of all the stuff you could buy. I know. I know, I mean, 30,000, you could fly private to fucking wherever. Tell us, Saudi Arabia, do a gig. Yeah, you don't want to do that. That's 9-11 people.

Oh, so I'll bomb over there. See how they like it. But yeah, yeah. So that's a bitch. And you're like, you get right off the road, and you're like, here we go. And then boom. Big Bill. Clinton.

I'm speechless. I'm utterly speech. I was going to say 12,000, but I was afraid of going too high. 28. That's a pretty penny. That's what my mother makes a year. Exactly. From a basement.

I never go in there. Who am I, and Frank? So can you just leave it wet? Just have a wet basement. I guess I could, but... Take all the stuff out of there. You've got plenty of space. Let it be soggy.

Fuck it. Yeah, I guess you're right. I do think this guy, I'm not saying he's riding me, but I think, or gouged me, but I do think, he thinks I want to, like, live down now. air. So he's like, we got to make this sealed proof, not a drip, not a drop, not a tee. And I'm like, no, I just want to, like, not have it

flood. That's it. I don't care about looking good or patching shit up. What about sand can't you fill a bag of sand and fucking pile it up? I'll talk about the wipe that way. But yeah, I don't know. It's something with the sewage and the draining and all that, so. By the way, is it sewage

or sewerage? Because I hear both. No, it's sewage. I can look it up. It's a sewer. So I always thought it was sewerage. It's a sewage pump. So it's S-U-S-E-W-A-G-E? That's correct.

It's a mixture of domestic, institutional, and commercial wastewater. But that there's a sewer. So I always thought it was sewer age. Well, I was going to finish. That's what's carried by a sewer system. Oh, okay. It's a sewage. And then what is it when women vote?

Women vote. Suffrage. Suffrage. Oh, oh. It's a bummer is what it is. It's a suffer Disappointing Edge

All right Well that sucks I'm sorry So then you go to Soul Joles You go to Addison Texas to do 12 shows And you're like

This is why I'm going Because of this shit Yeah Yeah So yeah I just got to tell you About Addison So you know

One of our favorite clubs Right outside of Dallas The Improv Supposed to be there in January Had the baby Had to push it back And I remember at the time January ago

I can't do it We have just had a baby that go, we understand. How about August? And you go, nothing closer, huh? August is so far away. It's like seven and a half months. And then here we are. It's there.

And it's there, and it's gay. And I got a couple guys opening. We have fun. Now, how about this? Everyone's a buzz now. Everyone's hip to everything. So a guy, a random guy with a cowboy hat and an accent goes, hey, buddy, hey, partner.

I see you're at Addison, Thursday through Sunday. Why don't you come in on Wednesday? I got my own club down here in Tyler, Texas. It's about an hour and a half, two hours away. We can make you a quick buck, a couple grand, get you a steak, and a beer, and a horse. I heard about Tyler, Texas. And I go, ah, it's pretty good. You need the money.

So you start going like, yeah, well, what are we talking here? He's like, hey, a couple, a thousand, we can make this much. We sell this many tickets, and you bring some merch down there, and you kind of go on, it's like you said like you're hard up you buy a bar of soap but you're like my family's gonna be starving right so I'm like fuck it let's do it and we kept it away from the agents

and we go uh all right all right he goes okay that was uh two weeks ago a week later he goes nothing's going on in Tyler everybody's coming and the whole town's coming we gotta go to a bigger venue

you gotta make more money and I go oh I guess that's a good problem to have maybe this is working maybe this was a great idea after all. And he goes, this is such a shitbox town. All we got left is an amphitheater, like an outdoor kind of thing in the park. Like a shed. Like a carport. Okay. Yeah. And I was like, uh, outdoor, it's hot. It's, it's Texas. It's sunny. It's going to be bugs everywhere. And he's like, it's going to suck, but you'll get paid. And I went, fuck it. Let's do it. That's all that matters. Yeah. And, uh, I'm talking, man, when I tell you we're to part with a big hill,

of grass and you just go out there you get hit with a horsefly you see everybody sitting on those hills out there with a cowboy hat you see one tooth and an overall and you go we are doing it. That sounds fun. It was kind of fun. It's like Woodstock

if it sucked. Yes, yes. It was Woodstock. And no one had stocks there. But we had a great time and the flight was a bitch because I had to fly to Dallas and then get a puddle jumper to Tyler Okay.

Middle seat, by the way. I got to see where Tyler is. Tyler was two-hour drive from Dallas. Okay. And it is a small little town. Patrick Mahomes is from there. Oh, okay. Maybe that's why I heard of it.

You went to Texas Tech. Yeah, yeah. It's one of these talent. Everything's football. It's all football, and the people couldn't have been nicer. They were happy to have you. And you couldn't hear the laughs at all. Probably because I didn't get any,

but just because it was outdoor. Oh, I see. So east of Dallas. Yes. Wow. They have an airport. No kidding. Believe it or not. I'm so confused. So you flew or you drove? I flew. I was going to fly to Dallas, get picked up my opener, Corbyn. Oh, I know Corbyn. Corbyn McMaster.

Lee, Master, yeah. Funny guy, good guy. He was going to drive us, but I was like, I can't do like a four-hour flight and then get into a car for two hours. No. I'd rather just suck it up and connect because I don't have to think. Right. you know so I connected layover to Tyler land

go right to the gig and boy it was like a heist we did it we did two shows we had stakes in the middle probably the best thing I've ever had place called Black Creek was the name of the amphitheater and they had a bar next door and everything black down there Terry Blacks

yeah that the people what else Black Rock Black Smith Black Smyth Black Stallion yeah Mahomes is

half black. Yeah, half black. But the show was great, and it was one of those things where you finish, you shake the guy's hand, you grab a couple of beers, and you get into a car, and you're, woo-hee, we're like shooting into the sunshine, you know, choo, choo, choo, what's that movie where they start shooting, the bag is still on the gun? Goodfellas. Goodfellas.

What movie? Yeah. That's burned into my brain. I couldn't think of where I've seen it before. Yahoo! You motherfuckers! Yes, that was us. We're just shooting up in the sky, and I'm chugging Heinikins.

swerving, but we made it to the Residence Inn and Addison right next door. Love that right. That's where the AirPod story happened. I'm coming back there also, by the way. I'm on your heels everywhere. October 22nd or something like that, 21st or the 22nd. That was Wednesday. So then we had still to do Thursday to Sunday, so I meet Salacuse.

Yeah, you had Sally with you because I texted Sally and he's like, I'm out here in Dallas with Norman for 10 days. Which is wild. Seeing that guy, this is how cute Salacus is. Sal Cutes. He's wearing these shirts every day. By the third day, he goes, nobody noticed. Like, huh?

He's all sad. Like, what do you talk about? He goes, I've been wearing a Texas-themed shirt every day. No one caught it. And I go, ah, you're supposed to catch you. I don't get it.

What he's supposed to say? Well, there's a bunch of comics around or the club staff. Nobody was like, oh, Conway Twitty, oh, Merle Haggard, or whatever the fucking people were. He's a real dead-fired guy.

I just love picturing him with his dumb suitcase open going, boy, this is going to really be a big thing. Everybody's going to love this, you know, packing it, and no one noticed it. Did I tell you about the story if he got me a gift that I thought sucked? Did I say this on the pod? I felt terrible.

Well, he's a weird guy. He met up with me. He hands me a Nat Geo. Nat GeoGrovia from 1979. He's like, hey, I got you a little something. And it's just a whatever cover. I don't even, it doesn't resonate with me. And I was like, oh, thanks.

No, no tits. No, no, nothing I like. No baseball, no tits, no whatever. So I'm like, oh, okay, thank you. And then I feel bad because I was like, what are you getting rid of old shit? And he's like, that's no way to receive a gift. And I was like, I guess you're right, sorry.

And then like 40 minutes later, he's like, did you open the magazine? And I was like, no, I fucking threw it under my cup. He opens it up. And it's got the painting from Goodfellas. The original photo was in Nat Geo. real photo. I didn't know that. And so now I'm like blown away. He's like, I saw it and thought of you and bought it. And I'm like,

well, fucking open with that. Open it. Say, bring the Nat Geo. I'm like, I'm just to open it and go through every single page until I find something. Throw a bookmark on that bitch. A bookmark anything. So it'd be like if I just handed you a cup and was like, there you go. And you're like, oh, thanks. And then you're like, bodega cats inside. And then peel it back. Yeah, right. Put a code in. And there's, you know, a yama or something. Oh, that's crazy. Anyways, all right. But that's the cues for you. Yeah, he's the great. Great gift.

Great gifts. So we have this idea because I'm trying to shoot a special in a theater. And he had the idea, what, you're doing this crazy run of nine shows at the Dallas Improv. Why don't we film it? We'll get the back and we'll do it as like a

gearing up for a special taping, tweaking material, green room, running bits, yada, yada. And I go, that's great. We could maybe put it on punch-up. So you can see the behind-the-scenes of how it works, like changing the order and all this shit,

getting heckled, whatever. And I was like, let's do it. So he came down there. He got a fucking crazy crew. I paid out of the ass for it. He helped me out. And then he was in that green room. He was all over that shovel board court.

I do nine shows. And he's got the fucking jib out there. He's in the middle of the crowd. He's doing a barrel roll. He's filming Felini style, a Dutch angle. He was all over the floor. Lens cap on the whole time.

Yeah, the whole time, shaking. And it was pretty great. And, you know, there was a couple times you really connect with him. We're laughing in the green room. We're eating ice cream and pushing each other in the bushes. And it was lunch. It was a great time. And we did the full run.

It was one of those weekends where you're like, wow, it's over? Oh, wow. We also had a pool at the hotels. We'd go to the pool every day and grill. Oh, my God. With the openers, we get the sunshine. We're in our bathing suit and flip flops, flipping burgers, eating weeners, and just going gay.

That's a great time out there. I love that club. I love that state. I'm off to Austin tomorrow. I'll be in Dallas, whatever day. It's just fun to go down there. You feel excited in Texas. You do.

You got some open space. You got a little more freedom. You can buy a gun and stop an abortion. It's a great time. It's a root and tooting good time. But I've got to tell you, the last day, Sunday. Salcus is like slumped over in a chair of the green room. And I'm like, you all right?

He goes, I'm hitting a wall, man. I'm like, welcome to comedy, baby. You're not even performing. Well, he's fucking 63 years old. That's true. That's true. He's up there. He's got a limp and a fat ass and a weird shirt and a bad mustache, so. Yeah, and he's also a dad of nine years.

So he wakes up at the crack of cock, and he's out there doing the leg lifts with a bungee cord on the doorknop. You know that guy? Old people do that. But yeah, so we had a... I don't know if you remember. I did a Netflix half hour, and I did eight shows at the Philly Helium to gear up. Yeah.

This is my move now. Ten shows, so we're sitting in the pool on Friday, and my opener goes, what if you try to do three on Sunday? You're doing two? You're doing three Saturday. You're doing two Sunday.

Why's well I had one? And you're like, oh, yeah, I don't know. I think I blew my wad. We can't sell another show. And he was like, well, text the manager. And he's like, peer pressure me. I'm like, ah, fucking, what else do we? we do it. We're just sitting in the pool. So I text him. We added a show on Sunday. We sold

it out. Whoa. That's crazy. You're a Batman. A Batman. I mean, you're Springsteen or some other guy that sells. It was a holiday weekend. And I think that's what put it over the edge. Because he gets people at 4 p.m. on a Sunday. I might have sold 50 tickets. But the holiday weekend is like, let's go out and do something. Yeah, I suppose. It doesn't hurt. But I think if fucking Rupert and Chuck went out there. and did Unlistenable, or whatever it's called. Oh, yeah. Tell them DadBod or whatever it is.

Unbearable. That's it. Funbearable. Unwatchable. Tell them Mike, John. Yeah. Whatever it is. I'm saying if, you know, if Veter and Ruby said, hey, we're doing a new show called two Jews with a cupcake and said it's going to be Sunday.

Then I'm going to sell out. Two girls won't cupcake. Yeah, yeah. Two girls one cupcake. That's not bad. That's not bad. That can be a pot. with some unfunny women.

What is Karen and Sarah did two girls one cuck, and then we never released it. That's a great title. Yeah, someone commented it, and we were like, winner, you got it. And then someone else was like, this is stolen. We're like, well, stolen from the guy that commented it.

Right, right. I remember realizing two bears one cave. Was it two girls one cup? That took me way too long to catch that. I didn't know that until you said it just now. Oh, really? I caught it like eight months after the pod came out. Like, it was in the shower.

Like, oh, yeah. It's one of those things. Two bears, one cat. cave. Two girls, one cup. Oh, okay. They're two berry, hairy, hairy, burly guys and one man cave. I guess so. Yeah. Is that still going?

Yeah, but that's Stavros. Or something like that. Yeah. For the summer, they took it off, and Stavros and DeStefano took over. Oh. And I think Tom and Burt are back just because I see all these YouTube videos tearing them apart. And I think people enjoyed

the new guys a tad more. Oh, wow. So that's kind of a dangerous game. It's like going, hey, take out my wife. And then you're all of a sudden, she's like, this guy's awesome. Yeah, we have that with the regs sometimes. Like, one of us is out of town. Just, we'll just do the three of us.

And you're like, eh. Because you just go, oh, my God, my prayers have been answered. Yeah, right. The dead weight's gone. Right. So, yeah, just a crazy while. So we ended up doing 10, and I got to tell you, I really, I drank too much. But the hour, the way it was before on the first show on Thursday,

to the way it was on the last show on Sunday is vastly different. We added eight or nine minutes to it. Wow. So callbacks, you know, change the order, mix and match. That's great.

Fun stuff. It was so worth it. Well, it's just so fun because it's reps. And then you get comfortable by the eighth show. You're so delirious that you're like, oh, let me just say this.

Yes. And then you get loose and it's fucking... A thousand percent. Wonderful. Yeah. The more you're up there. It's like anything else. Anything else.

Yeah. Woody Allen movie. Oh, yeah. Not great. Christina Ritchie was all right. Oh, my God. She's in her underwear. It was fucking crazy.

Great cans on her. She didn't get her due for those dupes. Yeah. But yeah, great time. And I was just, you know, when you said the material so many times, you don't have to think about it? So then you're up there, like, almost writing new jokes while you're telling the joke. The jokes are coming out of your mouth.

And you're like, what if I said this over here? Then I'll work on that. And you riff. And you tell stories. Well, we've talked about this before. That's how you get new material. People are always like, how do you get all this new material?

I'm like, because I do fucking six shows in a weekend. By the fifth show, you're like, I have to say something else. I cannot say this horseshit again. And Bill Burr said this years ago, and I never forgot. He goes, I didn't get good at comedy until I stopped giving a fuck.

You know when you're up there going, I got to say this word perfectly? What if they hate me? Oh, my God. Then after a while, he's like, man, women are dumb. Right. And he's like, I found my thing. Yeah, yeah.

Well, they are dumb. Yeah, there's a lot of bad ones out there. Well, they have smaller brains and no dicks. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Good point. Let me throw this in your ass to see if you come. So I haven't left New York in 75 years. I don't do anything anymore.

You're just in Maine for a month and a half. Well, that was a month ago. I see. Or plus, whatever. And I went to Omaha. I guess I left. But I'm hanging out a lot as, you know, it's fun. It's summertime.

So I go out to the U.S. Open, the United States Open. Oh, cool. I can't miss the U. open. I've got to get to the open. And now it's hard because you've got the two-year-old and your wife wants to go. She's like, maybe we'll bring the baby. I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? It's packed. You've got to be quiet. He'll be running around.

It's too crowded and I want to look at women. She's a BL. I go out there and it was like a Thursday afternoon and I see Matt Wayne's my boy. He's a tennis nut. We're best buds. I didn't know that. So I text Wayne. I say, hey, you want to go to the open.

Oh, I just... By the way, you've got to be quiet there, right? Yeah. Ironically, no racket. Hey, that's not bad. That's something. That's pretty good. All right, sorry to cut you off. Not worth of cut off, but it hit me.

So I liked it. So I go, hey, you want to go to the open? And I'm like, you feel like Daddy Warbuck, special uncle, special needs. You love tennis. Let's go to the open. And it kicks the wife out. Then I get this. I got to get my car inspected today.

Ah, what inspected? What is it? The governor's coming to town? And I'm like, inspected another day. Yes, yes, inspected deck. Now, I've had this before. Years ago, I tried to take my buddy Mike Whitman to a Celtics playoff game, but he didn't want to go. But in my head...

Who did a playoff game? Well, he had a... He had whatever. It doesn't matter. I had it in my mind. I'm going to get Matt Wayne and I a ticket to the U.S. Open. That's lodged in there. That's going to be expensive.

It's very expensive event. So I'm going to spend $500 today getting to... two decent tickets, he says no. So now some people might say, well, I'm saving a couple hundred bucks now. But my thought is, I've already accepted buying two tickets. I might as well buy one for the amount of price I was going to spend. That's one way to spin it. So I buy myself a seventh row courtside baseline ticket.

Whoa. About $350. In the smaller stadium, Louis Armstrong Stadium, but a beautiful stadium nonetheless. Who's playing, though? That's a factor. Well, I'm going no matter what, but I end up seeing Osaka. Good win this thing. Former champion, four-time Grand Slam champion. Half-black. Osaka, too, me.

That's a rare combo, by the way. Japanese black. A good point, yeah. Who else is Japanese and black? Maybe some women. Well, she is a woman. Ah. I just saw Maywalk by.

Oh, that's over, I guess. But anyways, so Osaka and somebody, oh, Mousetti, who's a hot Italian guy. Okay. So I go there, I spend a pretty buddy on the seat. I'm seven rows behind the baseline. It's awesome. It's a beautiful day. Now, in front of me, first of all, my whole row is open, which is amazing.

Interesting. Is that good? It's nice because I have the space. I see. I'm not great for the open. But in front of me, there is an Indian family, just painting of people. picture. I just want everyone to know what it looks like.

Sure, sure. I love Indians. I love Buddha and you know, Chief Yahoo and the Cleveland Indians. Curry, yeah, yeah. So they're all there. There's about six of them in front of me. Nobody's deal. One guy, the dad, it's like the Simpsons. It's like a dad,

a mother, a grandfather, two kids. The dad is sitting, for some reason. He's sitting on the edge of his seat. Not edge of his seat. This is exciting. One little, two, little three little Indians. He's sitting like this. He's facing his family, and he keeps, like, looking back this way. At you?

No, just in general. Looking around, sniffing around. I don't know what he's doing, but he's sitting like that. Like, here's the back. He's sitting like this. The match is going on. Weird. But it's like bleacher style.

So when you sit on the edge of this seat, his head is blocking the thing. So I'm like this. Right. But you can't be like, excuse me, could you sit back like a regular adult? Yeah, yeah. So I'm in this weird spot where he's blocking a big part. to the court. I've got a $400, seventh row court side seat. I can't see

because this fucking idiot for no reason it's just sitting like this. I have no idea why. And that's just frustrating on its own. Why are you sitting like that? It's bothering me. I can't see, and it's bothering me. He's talking like this. I can't see Peter. And I'm like, sit back. Yes, yes. You jackass. So what happens now?

So he keeps doing that. I'm doing this and this, the whole thing. Sit backistan. But, you know, you try not to sit Pakistan. Sounds like an old showbiz agent. I'll talk to Sid Pakistan. He books bananas. He books Saudi Arabia.

So I'm like, all right, well, I can't say anything. Whatever. Just let it go. I'm trying to let things go. Couldn't you pop down? You got the whole row. Can you slide down the row a little? I can't, but there's people in the row behind,

and then you look like a weird, you're like, excuse me, I'm going to sit in front of your legs. I guess I could have. All right, all right. So then time passes, and there's like five of them. There's two seats open up in the air. Black woman, kind of hot, classy, like a necklily, necklaces, undressed for the U.S. Open people dress sometimes. I kind of like that.

Well, it's a pricey ticket. It is, yeah. And I think it's kind of a, I think it's like a weird status thing. Yeah, it's a very statist thing. My neighbor was walking around with the U.S. Open 2025. It feels like a thing of, I'm wearing a U.S. Open shirt right now. Everyone's like, I went. I can go.

Upper crust. I know what I'm doing. Elitist. So this lady comes down and she's flustered. She's got a box with a hot dog and another thing and a cocktail, and somehow she kind of trips, spills her honeydew. That's like the big drink there, all over this old man in front of her.

And he's like, oh, he does that thing. Big icy beverage, ah! And he looks up, and of course he sees a black woman, so he can't be like, you fucking cut, bitch. She's like, no problem, I like wet juice on my asshole. Yeah, juice matters. So she's like, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. And she's flustered.

You can tell she's on the phone. her thing spills. She's like, God damn it, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. And it's just, she's having a tough time. The guy doesn't care, but now he's wet. He's got his Sunday tennis best this stain. And I'm sure that's all sugary and sticky. Sticky, sugary, like her husband. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. Sugar Ray. So, uh, he's good. Better than Sugar Ray. It's weird. You add a Leonard. Sugar Ray is there's some shitty band. Yeah. Leonard. Now we got a pro. Leonard's good. One of the greats. I don't think he's gay, or is that Carl Lewis?

No, Sugar Ray's a little shiny. They think he's gay. Yeah, he's got some, he looks too pretty. What's all the sugar? Sugar Ray, Sugar Ray Robinson, Sugar Sammy. What's the sugar and boxing? And there's Bert Sugar. Burt Sugar!

There's so many sugars. And there's Shug Night, but that's a whole other thing. Yeah, bad guy. Yeah, big, fat, scary guy. I like him hanging out with vanilla ice off the railing, though. That's pretty fun. That, was that vanilla? I believe vanilla.

Whoa. That was the story. Man, shug and vanilla. Good point. Ah. I mean, you didn't really make a point, but you know what I mean? Good connection. It's a sweet, sweet combo.

So she spills in the thing, and then this is where it gets cuckoo. So she's got, there's two open, she's like, I have these two seats, three and four. And the family, there's an old man at the end, he's like this. I think if he doesn't speak English, I don't know. He's the oldest one. He looks. like, I got three and four. I'm in these seats. Now the action has started. So she's standing there. No one can see. You're not supposed to be moving during the action. Well, you're very

observant. You've got a lot of plate spinning here. Well, this is right here. So she's like, I'm in three and four. And none of them budge. They're all just looking. She's like, I have three and four. And he's in four. This is the Indian guy. This is the black woman. She's trying to sit down to the Indian family. And then the Indian mom, who's, like, four seats down, she's directly in front of me. And she's like, can you just sit over there, though? Can you sit there? And she's like, well, I'm in three and four.

She's like, but it's just you. And she's like, no, someone's coming. And she's like, well, just sit there for now. And then people behind are like, sit down. Oh, this poor lady. But there are empty seats down here. And she's like, you're in my seat. And none of them are even, but they're not even like, should we move?

Even this fucking asshole has sat back Oh man So I'm like what is going on Fucking move She's here Yeah And then they don't move Finally she sits down

Like just in the seat She's furious now She's already flustered Yeah She gets the phone She's like I'm in my seat They start The other person comes

Her buddy And she's like Okay well I need the seats Now Yes None of them are moving Just sitting there Weird

And she's like We want to sit together We want to be together Yeah Well you bought a ticket And it's numbered, that's the ticket. So that's the end of it to me. So then it turns out, I

overhear them, they only have two tickets in the section. There's six of them. They want to sit together. I'm like, well then go up high. Yeah, that's it. You're fucked. It's like such a crazy thing. I'm like, this isn't your world. Of course. And upstairs and the balcony is general admission. So I'm like, you can't have courtside seats

because you want to be together. Exactly. So finally, the old man, he just gets up and leaves. He just flees the seat. Because there's too much commotion. Well, and there's like two people stand there and he's in one of their seats. Oh, the old Indian guy. Yeah. The family won't move. So finally he's just like, scuba-da-boo, and

he leaves. All right. He's out and they're like, where did he go? And they start calling him. I just see like, Roshubo-o-o-shub. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, where are you? They might have been getting an Uber. And they're like, where'd you go? Yeah. And I'm like, he went fucking anywhere. Yes, yes. Because people

bought a $400 seat fuck faces. Go upstairs. Wow. Are they like foreign? Are they not to be? They're Americans. Well, what the hell? Yeah, this is no excuse for this. They don't even have accents. They're just like, oh, yeah, we want to sit together.

This is crazy. Crazy. And so, finally, they end up moving down one seat. They stay seated together. Then a family of three comes. Now, they fuck up. They're in this row, but they're in like those. They should have gone down that row.

But supposedly they were told to come this way. You know how like, depending on where you're seated, you can go down this aisle or this aisle. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. It's like seats 1 through 16. They have like 12 through 15, but they came down this way. They're like, oh, sorry, we should have gone that way.

We have to, our seats are down there. So they have to cut through. None of the five family get up. You know how you do this? Yeah, you got to give them some leg room. They do that. None of them move. What is up with his family?

Just sit there. It's the crazy thing I've ever seen in my life. So everyone has to do this during a tennis match. Like climb over them. They're getting lap dances. Oh, my God. This family is so inconsiderate. It's like the craziest thing I've ever seen.

And now everybody's like, sit down. What the fuck? The tennis match is going on. Osaka's playing, running around. And they just don't even... I'm speechless, Jeff. I can't... You've got to get a security guard in here.

The authority has to happen. I can't run my head around. The idea of like people... Once they're like tripping and stepping over, I'm like, how do you not stand up and go, oh, go ahead? Well, it sounds like the dad is the only safe. guy. I mean, maybe that's why he was sitting like this, because he's like, I know we're not supposed to be here. Right. So I'm on, I'm on a head on a swivel. I guess, but it was

crazy. But he got out. He's the, he's the only good one. Well, and then you're like, this is like a weird thing in life. I'm like, does it pay to just be an inconsiderate asshole? I know. I know. Because they got to sit six rows behind the fucking baseline all together as buddies. Yeah, good point. But I never sit in any seat that's not my seat, because I just hate the field. I can't get comfortable. Right, right. Good point. Yeah, yeah. Even on a plane, I've switched seats and be like, let me see if I can ride this out, but it's not worth it. Well, you're just waiting for that moment. I can't settle in. You're waiting for that moment for someone to go, excuse me, this is my seat. Right. And then to have someone do that and be like, well, I'll just keep sitting

here. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah. But this is the show. This is in consideration. I want to sit down in a booth and be like, what's going on? Tell me more about this. Why do you think this is acceptable? Do you not give a fuck? Do you not understand? That's why it's such a great idea because I am dying to know.

And you would interview them and I'd be on the edge of my seat. Like, what are they going to say? How are they going to justify this? Well, it's like, we want to sit together. I'm like, well, I want my entire family to come to the U.S. Open. Of course.

But I can't afford it. Of course. So they're not here. Yes. I just don't understand that thing of like, but this is what I want. I know. But it's me.

though it's me so but I have it so opposite I know that I never get what I want because I'm just sitting there going well I'll just fucking do the YouTube special I never go God there give me this I'm with you I'm so the opposite of them that I've given up my seat you know you get the guy on the plane who goes hey can I sit with my wife I'm in a middle seat in the back you're in first class and I go okay I guess I you're with your family I guess I have to do it but I don't want to do it but I do it yes because I hate myself. Where's the Indian family sitting court side for free.

Well, this is what I have now too. And Janus warned me about this because now I have a son who's two, he speaks, he walks, he jumps. When you have a kid and I'm reading to him every night and tell him I'm proud of him and I'm carrying him and picking him up and shoving things in his ass, you realize

you're like, I fucked up so much because nobody ever was like, great job on that. You did a nice job there. And it makes you realize how good of a father you are but how lacking your parents they did the best they could

I'm not saying whatever human beings they were young they were drunk they're gay but you're like man I could have used someone being like that was awesome what you just did was fantastic you were afraid to do that

then you did it because you have the support so now you can do it whatever yeah yeah that's big kids need that validation but anyways that was fucking nuts I just couldn't believe it But I never said anything. I'm trying to have less... Confrontation.

Get involved and do the thing. And it wasn't my road. You just want to be like, are you fucking nuts? I know. Get the fuck out of here. You don't have seats here. And I have somebody quit, like, did they leave going, we pulled it off? Probably.

Or did they leave going, that was a normal day for us. I think that, yeah, I think they left and were like, well, we all got to sit here and that was great. Yeah, we had great seats. At least that's a little more normal because at least they're aware that they stole steeds from somebody. Yeah. Oh, God, that is roll. This just brings up a debate I want to run by you. Please.

So my opener and I were at the pool, and he goes, God, this hotel sucks. And that is a shitbox hotel. Yeah, I remember it. I even got a better hotel and then canceled it and went back because I wanted to be with the group because I have FOMO and I'm gay. But so we're sitting in the pool and it's like the third day. And my friend goes, my opener is like, they haven't cleaned my room once. I'm a room clean guy where I put the tag on. I'd never had, yeah, I'd never had anyone clean my room ever once.

I got cash in there, I got drugs in there, I got hores in there, whatever it is. So I'm like, just... I can feed my own damn room. Yeah. So, uh, also, I'm not Led Zeppelin. I'm not flipping the tables over and doing lines and banging hookers. Absolutely. I'm just sleeping and jerking off.

But he goes, I've called three times. They haven't cleaned my room once. I've been here three days. I keep calling down and going, can you clean my room? I will leave. I will let you do it. They're like, we got it. We're on it.

And they still don't do it. Weird. So he's like, I called one more time. and the guy gave me attitude, so I gave him attitude back, and somebody in the group, I can't remember who, goes, uh-oh, Karen, and he's like, no, no, no, no, that's their job. We can't just call everything Karen, because then it's Bedlam. I call my wife, Karen.

Make my Bedlam. What is Bedlam? Bedlam, I think, is a hell thing. Bedlam is part of hell. Maybe it's anarchy is the way. It's anarchy. Because I remember at the end of the 1992 NL. C.S. Braves Pirates.

Sean McDonough was on the call and he goes, this place is Bedlam. Oh, so maybe it's wild. When I was a key, it means wild, but I think it's associated with hell or it's adjacent to hell? Yeah. But not hell, but like, yeah, wild. Yeah, it's Bedlam. Mayhem.

Yeah, mayhem. Yeah, chaos. Chaos. Yeah, I think it's just a state of chaos and confusion. Okay, okay. Bedlam. It's fucking... It's a good word. Bedlam sty. It's named after a historic psychiatric institution known for its people inside.

That's good. So not hell. What am I thinking? Isn't there a hell thing that's like a Haiti? Maybe that's up? No, not purgatory. Yeah. They're next to hell. Bethlehem. Either way. So he's like, I'm not a Karen.

That's what they're supposed to be doing. They're supposed to get your default room clean if you don't have the do not disturb on. That's what they do. And he's like, well, it's a little Karen. You keep calling. guy when he's like, I'm calling because they're not doing the job. We got to separate Karen and actually, if I called and said, you didn't tuck it in right, you cleaned my room, but you didn't tuck the bed in right, I didn't like it, you didn't

fluff my pillow. Maybe that's a little Karen-y, but the not cleaning the room, I was in agreeance with him. I hate Karen, I hate the whole thing, Karen this, Karen that. It's like, people are like, oh, she's a real Karen. I'm like, there's a guy who smashed my window open. Right, right, right, exactly. I get called to Karen, and I'm like, yeah, sorry, we have to uphold the fuck. It's, it's, it's, uh, we're living in a society.

Yeah. For God's sakes. And what we do in this society now is we keep incrementally it, it's inching towards things. And then it just becomes that thing when it was never, it never made sense in the first place. Like, hey, maybe I'll, maybe you should tip at Starbucks. Then before you know it, it's mandatory. You know, you keep letting them inch. You know, look at, look at smoking.

Hey, you can't smoke in this section. Okay. now you can't smoke in the building. Now you've got to go outside. Now you're going to go 10 feet. You know, they just inch, inch it. And I'm like, I'm not a smoking guy, but I'm just saying that's how they get you.

Now, but to counter that, what if someone's smoking outside and you say, hey, get out of here. Are you a Karen? Ah. Or are you for that or against that? Well, I think if you went outside, you're good. But someone's smoking right outside here,

and it comes into your window. Yeah, it's a toe. Maybe smoking was a bad example. But I'm trying. kind of point out the inching. Yes, I understand the inch. Because before there was no such thing as a Karen, and now everything's Karen. So we tend to bring an idea in, and then it just never stops.

Well, then it becomes the norm. This is kind of like when we were boys, you got bread and butter, every meal, every restaurant. Oh, all the restaurants. I could go in on this. Every single restaurant. Yep. That was standard. And another thing about restaurant.

Standard chips and salsa, too, by the way. That was the beginning. the end of the meal this is a new thing that I don't know who started at first but when we were boys you'd say

oh yeah I got some leftovers they said they'll take the plate go to the kitchen and come back with a box now they hand you a box that's true and I gotta get

slop all the shitting that's true that's now that's standard that's big I'll throw another one in there well chips and salsa I mentioned

that was standard you sit out in a Mexican restaurant they'd bring you chips and salsa now chips and salsa is $8 But the new one, the biggest rubble of all, used to buy a burger and at a diner, and they'd bring you a plate with a hamburger on it and french fries. And the hamburger had a pickle, a tomato, and lettuce, and ketchup, or whatever.

Now you buy a burger, and they give you a plate with a burger on it, and they go, you want fries, that's deluxe. Right. Deluxe! It used to come with fries. Now fries are deluxe. But can I say this? That's New York only, isn't it?

Just New York deluxe since I was 20 years. No, that's a huge thing everywhere. There's, like, tons of memes now that's like, this is the type of place, $15 burger. Well, Shake Shack is like that. No fries, it's Shakesh. There you go. It used to be, do you want fries with that?

Right. You know, you just, you want fries or not want fries. Now it's you have to buy fries, which is fine, but you got to admit you changed. You changed. You changed with the bread, you changed with the chips, and you changed with the fries. The bread's crazy. The putting your own box thing, though, is so strange. Yeah, that just was a.

a flip one day. And then the bread and butter, I think, because everyone, it's all corporate greed, Jerry. They're like, we could save $8,000 a day on bread. They inch. That's what I'm saying. It's inching. They did it with airplane seats, too. They go, we'll make them a little smaller.

The next year we'll make it a millimeter. Then a million, and then 10 years goes by, and you're sitting on a fucking stool. Next thing, you know, old Jed's a millionaire. There you go. Yeah, very frustrating. Frustrating. Call it if you have, I'm sure there's other ones, too, we're forgetting. Oh, yeah.

Leave some examples. Got that algorithm going. Yes, yes. But yeah, all right. So where are you going to be, Faddy? I don't know. What day does this come out? I don't even know what month were it anymore.

September 15th. September 15th. Almost my birthday. What's your birthday? 18th? I nailed it. Virgo. Oh, we've got a podcasting your birthday.

Is that all right? Yeah. What do I give a shit? All right. Well, I got the night free. Good point. Okay, October 2nd to the 4th, Irvine Improv. Luke Monis will be there.

I'll be in L.A. for a couple days there. Then I go on the TV. TCM crews, which is very exciting. What is that? Turner Classic Movies. What? How cool is that? That's going to be fun.

And then October... This guy there. 23rd to the 25th is Dallas at the Impro, Addison Impro. Hell yeah. And I got other dates. I can't fucking remember them. But, oh, God.

The movie is out by the movie is kicking ass. Thank you to everybody that's left a nice review on Letterbox. Message Me a Beautiful Message. It's... We sold way more than I thought we're going to, which is amazing. That's the best. Great news. And most of you are buying the bundle package, which is awesome.

So thank you for that. Oh, my Lord. And it's on punch-up. It's Bill Burke loved it. Fucking Ari says the funniest talk of all time. I loved it. You loved it. It's poignant and funny and interesting.

My father's gay. So go get that bundle. There is literally hours of extras on there. There's a full 45-minute set of mine from QS that no one's ever seen anywhere else. There's a Q&A with Bennington, a Q&A with Tony V. There's an audio commentary and some other stuff for $9 bucks, which is... Wow, that's a steal. That's less than a fucking Burger King Burger these days.

Deluxe. And Small Balls on YouTube, join our Patreon for the love of fucking Christ, please. And let's get this trend going. Fuck the industry. Fuck the man. Fuck the corporations. Fuck the networks. Fuck the streamers.

Give it right to the band. Give it right to the comic himself or herself. and we'll help each other. We'll make stuff and we'll get it right to you. Absolutely. I will be in Huntsville, Alabama, right where NASA is. And then the next time I'm in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, going back to my roots. That's not far from where I grew up.

Then the big one, boys, September 25th, I'm at San Jose. We had to remake the date because Shane Gillis bumped me. Oh, right. And then I'm going to Boulder, and this is it. This is the big comedy special taping at the Boulder Theater on the 26th, 27th, and then I got a damn, I need a little break. And then I'm going all over the place after that, going to Funner, California, which is a casino. Back to Baltimore at Baguobie's, D.C. at the Lincoln Theater, San Diego, Niagara Falls, and Skank Fest. So that's in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Choo Choo. Check out my podcast. Fundbearable with Ray Harrington and Brad Rore. Also, we are looking for funding because we were invited to pitch a show to Warner Brothers and they passed on it. If you see a cop, Warner Brother. That's good. So we are looking for funding to shoot it ourselves and pitch it with some tape because I think that we need to do that. So go to funbearablepod.com or email us at funbearablepod at gmail.com, especially if you're interested in funding a individual. independent creative project. I like it. All right. Wheels are in motion. We'll see you in hell. Cqueef it up. Brayzala, tell a friend. We're going to do a bonus right now. Patreon is cooking.

30 minutes every week, on the nose. Scoopity boop. Best Patreon on the city is a million back episodes and quiffs and quaffes and videos. Yeah. It's nuts. And we say some. It gets pretty spicy.

Thank you. Praise all up. Up in the heavens where legends cry Homelessly watching the music die