Tuesdays with Stories! - #623 Nelly Frittata

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Mark has a nightmare flight with a blobby seat neighbor! Joe heads to the Mothership and kills so laugh that he knocks a lunatic out of his seat! Mark heads to Cleveland and gives Dave Chappelle a text - but double books himself yet again! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

It's Kelly Clarkson here to talk all things Wayfair, the best place to buy furniture, decor, and anything else you can think of to create a home you absolutely love. I know when I shop with Wayfair, I find options for every style, whether I'm feeling boho or farmhouse, modern, traditional, French country. I can find exactly what I need for my home and more. No matter your space, style, or budget, shop Wayfair.com to make your home way more you.

You. Wayfair, every style, every home. Hey, Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody.

Oh, that's terrible This is supposed to be cheesy My radio is spitting at me Oh, here we are in Aurora, Illinois Good to be, you got me with this thing That was fun That was big, remember that? You sounded like, you're unbelievable

Oh Same time area, I think, in the early 90s Oh, Wayne's World in that exactly yeah swing which i think is bad and someone was that us talking about that one time someone was like i guess you can't do swing anymore swing is out i think oh i think it was sarah telling me that and i was like she's like i don't get it and i was like why is offensive and i'm like well it is saying like big boner yeah yeah like whoa i'd like to bang you yeah like if i was in the green room and fucking shelley duval walked in i was like oh i could see why that would be offensive

Yeah, it was a newer version of like, with the tongue hanging. Yeah, yeah. And it rolls down and rolls back up. That's fun. And this one, all good. Then all those moved over to morning radio.

Oh, God. Yeah. That was big for a while. Oh, yeah, that was big. The clown horn. Clown horn's big. But yeah, Wayne's World, it's one of those things where like,

that movie was so huge for me I saw it in the theater and it was so funny and so wacky and I don't think anyone would have the balls to put that on a movie it's not even about offensive and times to change

it just it was too weird it's weird quirky hairnets and name tags it was very wacky but we were obsessed with that we all would do the foxy lady and you walk with the thing

and do that business and by the way Matt Wayne thinks Wayne's World too funnier film which I can't even remember Wayne's World, too. Christopher Walking is weird. I don't know.

I'm going to get back in there. It's good. Jack likes it. It's just a lot of repeats, you know, where they go back to that diner with the hockey, you know, and they try to do, I don't know, it just felt like that nostalgia sequel. Right. We're going to call back to this. We're going to call back to that.

Feed my Frankenstein. Shitty Beatles. It's not just a clever name. It was great. I mean, when I was a kid, I started in the theaters, too, when he did the hydraulic drill across the car. Oh, man. I mean, that was the funniest physical bit, because that was pre-A Sventura. Right. So that was the funniest thing I had ever seen at that point. It just did it all the way down. I mean, it was unbelievable. Excuse me, I'd like to get by now.

Oh, yeah. That was big. I've been, when I talk early 90s, I've been watching. I went down a tennis wormhole. This game, this open was unreal. Oh, I love the open. I'm all over the open. You know me. I mean, I get sad when it ends. I was saying this to Sarah because It's like losing a friend. Uh-huh. And that's all I did every day, every night for two straight weeks. And it ends, and you're like, I don't know what to do with my life now. Right.

And it's funny how the longer it goes, then you get to the bigger matches, the championship, whatever. The stars get better. Yes. You know, you're like, oh, my God, there's Donald Trump, and there's Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. But two weeks ago, it was like, is that Jason Biggs? What's he up to? That's not bad. I forgot about that guy.

It'll be a bit. You're full of bits today Maybe I'm a bit. I'm Jason Bits. I mean, you threw a big bit out there earlier. Can we talk about this? Should we say it? I still don't know where to go with it, but I'll take it. It's already completed, Jerry.

I don't know if it's completed. I told the joke that my friend Peyton Ruddy, I got to talk about this guy. I got to blow Peyton Ruddy. You know this guy? I don't know Peyton Ruddy. Big cute fat guy. He's Future Stavros.

Oh, Texas. Texas. Yes. Peyton Ruddy. This guy, he's going to blow right past all of us. Especially, Chuck. Oh, yeah. He looks like the big boy.

Oh, for the burger. Yeah, he's got that cute cherubic face. Well, he's Irish. He's Chicago. He loves cigars. He loves 90s music. He's very funny. He does some POV horse shit that's blowing him up.

You got to do the POV horse shit now. Well, it's hard with the POV horse shit because he's like huge, but he can't sell a ticket because people think he's the POV guy. But meanwhile, he's like the funniest standard, but he's got both going for him. Right. Very few people can do both. I thought if you got a face and you sold a ticket, you're good. Once you get them in there, you're good, right?

Not if you just go, if you're doing a character thing, these people, because they might not be comedy fans. I think what happens is some of these people, they do silly things on the camera. Then they go, that person's live. You show up and they go, yeah, my father's got a huge dick, but my mother doesn't. What's the deal with that? The people go, why isn't he doing the thing? The Adam Ray's syndrome.

Right. They've just never seen stand-up before. They're like, how come he's not doing the character? Yeah, stand-up can be boring to a lot of people. Sure. I had a show last night. I had a bar show. Three hot women up front, they're probably 18 years old. I'm hard.

And I'm doing well, but these three are going, you can just tell they're like, when can I TikTok? Yes. Well, we've had that before with Hannah Berner. I mean, we love Hannah. Good, big tennis player, by the way, tennis fan. Hannah Barbera. But she was bringing people into the stand, which should be on the show at the stand. it would be a lot of people that young girl,

14-year-old girls that know her podcast love her podcast. Oh, they slow down. They would stand there, and I remember, I'm going to talk to this in the podcast, the host brought me up. The whole front row was 12-year-old girls. None of them clapped. They didn't even know.

That's right. They just stood there like this. Like, they weren't aware that you clap when somebody comes out. Well, you show up. You're the camp counselor. I mean, they're like, who's the assistant principal? No, it was fun.

But you'd just do the stand-up comedy. You'd kill. for the people that came to see us and then there would be a bunch of girls just staring. Exactly. Exactamundo. But yeah, so I'm watching the, I went in the tennis wormhole. I got down to Sampras and Federer.

Oh, wow. I'm talking 92, 93, unbelievable. Fetter didn't come around until later than that. He was 19. He beat Sampras. At 92? Maybe 93. Give it a goug.

He was 19. No, Federer is not 92. You're out of your mind. It must have been later. Maybe 95? 95. He was 19 years old. Roger Federer and Pete Sampras.

Yeah, late 90s. Must have been late 90s. Because 92's 33 years ago. Well, you're getting old. You don't eat Oreos? But in Sampris Federer. You're talking 98, 99 something. I saw a 9 and I thought I saw an early number.

92. Federer was like 12. All right, all right. Well, give it a good. But, uh, Jimmy Kimmel said, uh, Adam Kroll looks like Pete Sampras's Down syndrome, which I was thought was funny. Hey, that's not bad. That's not bad. You ever see the clip of Agassi and Sampras and Agassi takes it a little far? No. Well, they were a big rivalry, Agassiz, Sampris. That was like the rivalry. Oh, okay. The two Americans. And then, um, they're playing a game, like a, like a, what do you call that? A exhibition. Uh-huh. And they got the mics so they can be funny during the thing.

In the game. Yeah. It's like like MSG, like an indoor. stadium thing. And it's like after they've retired, they're being silly. Right. And they do this kind of thing. And then Sampras goes, this is my impression to Andre. And he walks with his shoes tied together. And he does like a little funny impression. And then, which is just kind of funny. Hey, you walk silly. That's goofy. And then Sampras is notoriously cheap. Oh. Bad tipper. Okay. And Agassi goes, this is my impression to Pete. And he pulls his pockets inside of. Whoa. I like it. And the crowd goes, whoa. And then Sampras fires off like a 130 mile an hour serve at him.

But it was one of those ones where you were like, all right, all right. What are we doing here? So he goes, hey, you walk funny. And he's like, yeah, you're a cheap piece of shit. Ironically, a cheap shot. He went after the money. You are hot today, baby.

Is he Greek? What is Samper's? Sample's Greek. I knew it. They're both Greek. Whoa. Sampress and Agassi. Agassi, wow.

Agassi, one of the very few Greek people that doesn't end in this. That's right. It's always like Gallifanakis or Park my carcassus. Popper. I'm telling you. You're hot. Well, that's Albert Einstein. I want to tell him the premise, though, real quick, before you forget. I was doing the Peyton Ruddy. He had a street joke. The street joke was Indian guy, Jewish guy, black guy.

We'll cut off the punchline because it gets a little naughty. I think it's a little spicy. But email me. I'll send it to you. But anyways, you had the point. What did you say? Tell them what you said. Well, every street joke from when we were kids was like a black guy, a Jew, and an Asian walking to a bar. A Native American. and a Muslim and a rabbi walking to a pizza shop, whatever. Now, that's just every commercial.

You know, you know when you watch a commercial for herpes and you're like, why is this black guy, this bald white guy, and this 10-year-old boy hanging out? They all have herpes. But, you know, see, that's the bit. So I said the punchline should be a Jew, a black guy, and Indian guy get into a Hyundai. Want to buy a Hyundai? That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

I'll try it tonight. Try it. What the hell do I got to lose? What did he got over there, chuckles? Is it 2001, you think, was the math? No, he was 19. He's 19 in that. Yeah.

It says, it's 92, I'm telling you. He's like, he was born in 81. Oh, okay. This is, it came out in 2002, this article. It says Roger Federer's epic victory over Pete Sampras, 21 years on. 21 years on. Oh, 20 years ago. But this is the thing now.

2001 looks like 1985 now. It's all grainy and squiggly. It's square and great. I mean, you put on something from 19. 96. It looks like it's, you know, shot by Zabruda. Even the old curb. You ever go back to Old Curb? You're like, what the fuck? Who filled this on a shaky Michael J. Fox flip phone? No, Salacuse is still going for the first season of Curb look. I told you we had him in Dallas. He fell asleep on the last night in the

green room. Fell asleep. I go, what do you do? He goes, I can't live like this. I was like, Welcome to comedy, you fat queef. That's funny. Oh, yeah. So I got a couple. I got some nugget. Did I talk about the fat guy on the plane? I don't think so.

Flying back from, I think, Texas, I get the, I'm in the front row of comfort, Delta Cum. Pretty good. Front Row Com is not bad. Yeah, Com's okay. I flew Come yesterday. I have Come today. I'm number one for the upgrade with one seat left. I'm a little nervous.

Oh, boy. Boy, you're rolling those dice. I'm scared. But, I'm stretched out, got the window and Delta come. First row, a little curtain dangling on my balls. And then the lady goes, excuse me, Mr. Norman. If you want to go up to first class, we have a seat for you. Which is like, who doesn't take that?

Right. You know, I'm like, of course I want to go up. It should be like, you're in, baby, cheek, cheek, cheek, and a bunch of lights should go off. That's a good point. But it could be a window. You have your eye, you have the nuts. Some people, different strokes are different folks. Some people like, I have the bathroom here.

I don't want to be bothered with food, whatever the fuck. But I'm with you, for the most part. I mean, a psycho. But you have, like, retarded OCD people that are like, no, no, no, I like the color and comfort plus. That's true. I told you, my honeymoon. He flew to Amsterdam, and a guy went, I got to get off this plane. They were like, sir, what's going on?

He's like, I have a feeling. This is going to crash. I have to get off, and he got off. That was the first day of my honeymoon. I told this story on the pod. Give it a go. That's a real goof, too. Yeah, he's a goof.

And, you know, of course, your brain kicks in. You're like, should we get off the plane? Does this guy know something? But everything was fine. No, he doesn't know anything. He's a retired. He missed his flight. I hope the next flight he got on and crashed.

That would be fun. That would have, I appreciate that. All right. So she asked you, do you want the first class? So I go, are you damn right? I kicked her in the clam. I went up there. Now, I will say small plane.

I'm at 1A, the window of the first row of the whole flight. And I got that wall. I do hate the wall. That's another thing. People don't like the bulkhead, and you can't put your backpack underneath. A lot of people would rather first row of comfort plus over first row

of first class. Looking back, I think I should have kept it because the wall sucked, build that wall, and I'm next to the fattest man on the planet, giant dude who had the fat coming out of here, so then the arm has to sit on that. Where was Rupert headed? We love your Rup.

Rupertere. So I got the fat guy. Now he's doing this shit. He's got the elbows digging into me because he's, oh, you know, that console on first class is big. Yes. You can get eight arms on there

and you're good. Octopus. So I'm like, yeah, I'm like, what the hell? All right, this guy's all over me. And you're like, what happened? How'd you get this fat? This is this bother you? So now I'm just analyzing the guy.

I'm like, come on, man. And he has to do this one to get out. it's like hurl his body. Yes, yes. He's going to shoot the butt out first and then hurl his tits up. Right. That's the only way he can get out to pee. Like when you used to have to move the whole bench seat.

Right. Right. The mechanism. Exactly. Exactly. So then look, and I'm no fat hater. I was a fat kid. My dad's fat.

My sister's fat. But you want to go. what happened? How did you get here? And he's eating the whole flight. He's goshing on gummy bears and chips and uh, juju bees and all this shit. So you go, you're not even giving yourself a chance, whatever.

And again, I always say, I don't care about fat people. I don't care what you do with your body. But now you're obstructing my life. Now we have secondhand fat. Yes. It's like smoking. Go smoke. I don't give a shit, but now you're smoking in my face. Now we've got a problem. Yes. Secondhand fat. So then

the waitress comes by or whatever an the flight attendant lady. There you go. You almost said stewardess. We went ahead to bleep them. Oh, God. So she goes, we have the meal. Here are the options for the, we have a breakfast.

And you go, oh, baby, this is exciting. We have a frittata with potatoes. Kelly frittata. We have a granola with yogurt. And we have a French toast drizzled in honey, lard, and gum. And I go, I give me the frittata. And the guy goes, I'll take the French toast. And you go, come on!

You had to get the fast. Fattest meal! Well, of course he's going to get the fattest meal. I know. He's a fatso. He's huge. By the way, maybe the flight attendant was trying to give you the signal. She's like, Mr. Norman, if you want.

Like a subtle, like, you can take first class. Yes. Like, maybe she was trying to let you know because you can't wait until you get up there and see the guy and be like, you know what, I'll keep my seat. So maybe she was trying to give you a little nod. Yeah, and you might have something there, Faddy, because I was the third on the list. I kept checking my upgrade list. And I was like, ah, I'm third, I'll never get it.

So I wonder if other people saw Jabba and said, I'm going back to Tatooine. This is good. What did you do push-ups before this? You're hot. Oh, thanks. Hey, you too. Well. But, yeah, so I just, the flight was ruined.

I couldn't sleep. I kept getting an elbow in the cheek. That was a sharp, too. No matter how fat you get, you still have a pointy elbow. That's why they call him John Bones-Jones. He's the elbow guy because he'll kill you. Oh, geez. But, yeah, so just.

to the people out there I'm not fatphobic I'm just fat annoyed well and also there's fat you know it's kind of like pedophilia is like a three year old or a 17 year old

it's like well they like oh Jerry Seinfeld's a pedophilia he dated a 17 year old and you're like come on 17 right I think it's legal technically yeah that's what I mean so it's like a six year old I'm not I'm not defending fucking teenagers here

my wife's 58 but you know you fuck a 16 year old lady it's much different than a three year old so my point is just because you're annoyed by a 700 pound guy doesn't mean you hate chuck right right good point this chubby there's puffy this could use of lose a few yes this guy's a different thing you're talking about yokezuna here yeah and we do have a thing in our society where if you're mean to like an underdog he's the underdog he's 800 pounds whatever he's the underdog. So if you're mean to an underdog, it means you hate the whole group. I used to have a joke about how a trans lady yelled at me. And it was like, I don't know where. So I yelled at

her. And then people like, whoa, what are you transphobic? I'm like, no, no, I'm just responding. Yeah, I hate this lady. I hate her. I don't hate the whole group. Which is progress. Aha. Which I talked about this before. When Buttigieg tried to run for president, everyone was like, nah, we don't like that guy. Nobody was like, fuck that homo. Good point. They were like, ah, he stinks. Yeah, maybe the blacks aren't crazy about him. I like him. I love boot-edged. I like him, too. I think he's a cute little twink, but yeah, that's true. And you judged on your merits. That's what MLK

said. MLK, milk. Mm-hmm, Harvey. He was good. Oh, yeah. I like 2% of his stuff. But yeah, so Fat Flight finally landed. We landed nose first, because this guy was in the front, but got out of there.

Now, I got to get to a saga, but you go if you got something, because I got a humdinger here. All right, all right. You got Saga. I got a bunch of little things. Peyton, I got to give a shout out. Comedy mothership.

Okay. What a club. Rogan's Fear. Watch out, everybody. He's a cuck, shill, Republican. I sure am. I'm half of those things. Actually, you only name three.

I guess I'm one and a half. I'm a cuck. I'm half a shill, and I'm not a Republican. But that club, they really made something special. I never saw Joe. He wasn't there. at all. It was just Adam Eaget, who's, by the way, a hilarious

guy. One of the, he's funnier than half the comics there. I would say 80% of the comics. Well, I didn't know Metzger was around. Very funny guy. I saw Metzger de Rosa. It's a great hang. Rachel Wolfson, she's all right. She's a good egg. Bonus was featuring. Peyton Ruddy was emceeing.

It was the best weekend of my whole life. Hell yeah. Every show sold out, packed. How about this? I'm trying to get the tape. There was a bunch of Tuesdays everywhere. Tuesdays gay, the whole thing. Guys sitting over. here, and, like, you know, there's like that little upper level? Upper level. There's like a lip over there. Oh, yeah, on the sides. On the side. There's a guy

over there, and he's Canadian, and I go, oh, yeah, something, something talking. I'm killing, Jerry. Yeah. I look over the guy goes, whoa! As I looked over, he fell, like a feet overhead, just oh, God, all the cushions just came up. Like a fat guy trying to get off a plane. Literally, I go, that was like a dunk tank. He fell down, and I had a bunch of great riffs. I looked like Lincoln over there. He got shot by a guy. A guy. I've never had this happen my whole life. Wow. I'm killing so hard.

A guy just flipped out of his chair. And then he popped up and was like, oh, it was crazy. You wish you had a video on that guy. I wish, I don't know if he'll be on. They're like, there's three angles, so it's possible. They'll see what happens. It's like a shooter. I would like to have it.

But then the security guy was like this. The guy's like he didn't get paralyzed to die. He literally fell back, hit his head. It was just two feet. He was on a first date. The girl was like, what are you doing? But it was pretty fun. I mean, seeing the guy pop back up with a thumbs up.

That's up there with spit take. I mean, it was like, it was better than spit. It was like the coolest thing I've ever had. Wow. Fell straight out of the chair. Almost died. Tuesday. Shout out, sir.

You're retarded. Hey, it's all pipes. But every show packed out, sold out. De Roses in there. We're all busting balls. Hinchcliff came by. I got bummed from Kiltony. What are you going to do?

Well, bleep that. Yeah, bleep that. He gets weird about that. But anyways, just a fucking awesome hang weekend shows. I mean, of course, you've got to get escorted home because it's... Well, it's a zombie land out there. Worse every day. And then there's the whole Gillis crew.

They're all great. Nate Marshall, Sean Gardini, love the guard dog. James McCann. La Merr. Le Maire. I didn't see him. I love McCann. He's got a new special out.

Shout out to him. Oh, yeah. What's it called something crazy, right? It's called Black Israelite. Yikes. Yikes. But... Funny guy.

Just an amazing weekend of shows. I don't even know where to start. I want to hear your big thing. No, no, keep going. The only problem with that mothership is I always go, hey, can we get that tape? I had a great riff with a fat guy. And they go, yeah, the cameras aren't great. We'll send it to you in about a year and a half.

They said a couple weeks. Okay, I never got it, by the way. God, boy, I hope I get it because this was big. But C.J. Landry was there. Just a great fucking. They really made an unbelievable club. I mean, you have the balcony you can watch from, the green room you can smoke, which is unbelievable. You sit there, you're smoking cigars.

This guy, Peyton Ruddy, was all class. He went out, the first show of the weekend, we tagged, so he could go get cigars. He's like, I'll go get cigars. Came back, he went and got food, which was great. I mean, I paid for the stuff. I don't want you to think I'm an asshole here. Sure. Well, he likes food.

He was fucking awesome. I mean, super hilarious guy, big Tuesday. Hell yeah, Pete. I might have made that up. I don't know. He never said that. But he was a fan. All right.

Anyways, that was great. And then, how about this? Yesterday, it's a crazy travel day. We're recording in the morning right now. I had this thing where I fly from Austin to JFK, longest travel day of my life. I got the two-year-old sitting on me. The whole time, I land, and you get the message.

Time to check in for your flight. Back-to-back flight days. That's when you know you're a road dog. I mean, it's crazy. I flew from JFCA, Austin to J-FK yesterday, New York, LaGuardia to Denver today. because I'm going in a day early to do media, which is brutal. Media. The media is there.

It's one of those things we're like, we're adding a show, and I was like, great. You sold out, so we're adding a show. Beautiful. We usually come in early and do radio for the new show. Well, if I knew I was going to do radio, I wouldn't have added the show. Exactly. But when you get that check, you'll be happy, Fannie. Nice.

But yesterday, how about this? This felt good, and then I'll kick it over to you. Keep going. I'm on the flight. The baby's there. The whole thing, he takes a nap. We have fun. Thank God for the nap.

Tap on the shoulder, which is rare. And you're nervous because you're like, did he shit his pants? Did he fart? Did she hear my street joke? Right. Taps on my shoulder. I look back and said, oh, lady. She's like leaning in between the seats like Costanza.

She got the chain glasses. Oh, yeah, yeah. And she goes, I want to say, I've been flying for 50 years. In 50 years of travel, this is the best I've ever seen a baby behave. Wow. How about that? old Amelia Earhart, huh? Giving you the what for?

How about that? Half a century. She said, I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it, Sonny boy. Look at that. She probably blew Orville. Pretty good. So, I feel good.

I got chill. And then, like, 30 seconds. We have eight minutes left in the flight. He starts screaming. But, like, not crying, doing, like, I'm just being funny. So he's like, ah, like the highest bitch scream. And I fucking duct taped his mouth and asshole.

I'm like, shut the fuck up. We got to compliment your piece of shit. Yeah, right? But that felt good. Fifty years of travel. That's great Wow I love these ladies

And I had a guy At a diner once Being the wife We had a diner with the baby And the guy goes That is a cute ass baby You did a good job Which is always weird

What they say did a good job I'm like I just plowed her And then dumped a load Yeah It is weird Yeah You're like I flipped her over

Smacked her ass And squeezed her tit And called her my dad Yeah I called her a whore And really put a pinky In the pooper But hey

Some good cooking Went on in there I guess Yeah More her She did it Well Sarah will say that too She's like, how did we get such a cute baby?

And I'm like, it's hurtful. Just say, he looks just like you. He's so cute. That'd be nice. Yeah. Good point. But anyway, so landed, got home at 7.30 p. Also, I parked the car there because it's easier with the car seat, the whole thing.

$302 to park. Oh! Which used to be a flight. You sound like Timmy No Break's. Which used to be a flight to Austin was $300. Yeah. Right. Now parking is $300.

Well, what's up with parking? Because I get inflation. Yeah, the omel. It's a million dollars because of eggs. We get the tariffs. This is a lot. Yeah, they just, it's a heck of a lot. They just fucking...

A lot lizard. They take, they could just fuck you. Well, everyone said my whole life, parking lot is the business to be in. Because all you do is hose it down once a month. If you're lucky. You're getting, well, yeah, that's 80 bucks a spot. There's no electricity, no employees, no fucking...

No inventory, no overhead, no shit to buy. No vacuuming, no nothing. Yeah. So... Knock this fucking house down. Seller could put cars in here. You can put seven, eight cars in here. You got to knock it down before Mandami comes.

I know he's going to turn this into a mosque. Grocery store. You got to wear your mask during COVID. But what was that? Turn into a parking lot. Put up a park. They pave paradise. And put up a parking lot. Hey, fama, farmer, put it with a DDT now. Johnny Mitchell.

Is that right? Oh, yeah. That's my girl. She's good. Very good. All right. Give me this epic, because sometimes epic take a while. We digress. We move over.

We come back around. And I'll bring home the rear with my bullshit. Please, because this is a fun one, but not a crazy ending. Okay. So, uh... Endings are tough. I know. So I'm in Ohio.

A big weekend in Ohio. I got my pal, Sean Murphy opening. Akron, night one Friday, drive to Dayton. Second night, fly home Sunday. Ackron, Dayton, that's it. That's it. Easy. Two banger.

So I fly to Cleveland, get the rental car. Beck. Akron's 40-minute drive from Cleveland. Beautiful. No sweat. And it's a nice, easy flight. What is it, an hour and ten to Cleveland? Yes.

So, you know, you map it out every night. But so... Hey, Jack, can we hit the AC? I'm sitting over here. Good idea. Thank you. Big red button. Clifford, the big red dog.

So we fly to Cleveland. Cleveland, me and Murphy are on the same flight. Nice, nice fun. I get them in the lounge because these young cats, they got limited lounge. Yes. Which is a new thing. They go, hey, you get 14 a year or something. It's like a period. Oh, they changed it. I don't have a guest anymore. Oh, really? Diamond used to come with two guests. Now it has zero guests. It's 50 bucks. Is that right? That's right. Did I just buy 50 bucks? Because I got them in. You might have spent 50 bucks. I had no idea. You're welcome, Murph. Yeah. I've never seen you spend 50 bucks in your life.

I'm Sampras. You are Sampras. Similar hair. Yeah. Very successful. Uh-huh. Fetterer. Fucking asshole.

But, so I get them in the lounge, whatever. We do the flight. Boom, bang, bang. Rental car. We're off and running. Avis. We get to Akron. And I go, you know, we got a show tonight at this theater.

Blah, blah, blah. Do the show. Show's great. We're working on bits. We get ice cream at the end. One of the great things we're having a sober opener. We got ice cream after. the show.

Love ice cream. So we're eating ice cream, we're licking away, and I go, you know, tomorrow we're in Dayton. Uh-huh. Dayton is 45 minutes from Cleveland. Yellow Springs. Oh, Yellow Springs. Chappelle. Yeah.

Now, years ago, during the height of the pandemic, Chappelle texted me and said, hey, I've got, having everybody at this compound or whatever you want to call it. Hey, Chappelle texted you? Yeah, yeah. Plantation, whatever they're on over there. and he goes, you know, I've got Gillis coming out, I got Jim Carrey, I got Letterman, and then, yeah, why not? Easy. He goes, why not you?

And I go, I would love to come, but I had a schedule conflict. So I go, I can't do it, Faddy, but I appreciate it, stay black, or whatever, Rick James, bitch. She. But I have the number. So I said, why don't I just shoot him a text and go, you know, come out to date and I got a sold-out theater? do an hour and 45 minutes or whatever you do. Oh, my God. This is bold.

It's bold. Bold and the beautiful. So it's about 1 p.m. on Saturday. I'm walking around Dayton, taking in the heroin and the syringes and the homeless. I like Dayton. I like Dayton, too. It's actually a great city. Wiley's is gone now, right?

Oh, yeah. Good riddins. I love that room. Really? Oh, my God. Oh, I heard it was rough. No, it was great. Big old bricks.

They had a radio studio upstairs. Stairs. It was fun. Classic comedy club. Chappelle used to go there all the time. Oh, I'd never set foot. I'd love to. What's the other one? Jukebox I never did. That's in Peoria. Yeah. I've done that a few times. Dan, he's a nut. Is it still there? Yeah, yeah. All right, Peoria. There's a prior statue there. Oh, no Kinnison, huh? He's not from there, is he? I thought he was Peoria. Maybe he is. Give it a goog. I thought Kinnison was like Texas, isn't he? I know he cut his dick in Texas, but I don't know if he's from Tejas. I thought he was like a

Southern Baptist guy But maybe that's just a religion I have no idea He was a preacher I never got into the Kinnison I feel bad saying it Does it make sense Yakima Washington

Huh? Sam Kinnison was born in Yakima Washington He's born in Where did he grow up? Washington State? I had no idea That's what it says

In 1953 Well give me yeah Maybe one of it was like I'm born there Then we moved down on a train Yeah Let's see Keep keep going

Give me some early life I don't know why I thought he was from there. Hey, hey, folks. Tuesdays of Stories is brought to you by BetterHelp. Thank you for sponsoring the show. Mother might know best, but she's probably not a licensed therapist. If she is great, and if not, you need better help. Better help is therapy that's totally online.

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Hey, Dave, I know it's a long shot. This is crazy, by the way. A little bold. I'm just throwing shit against it. What do I got? I got a kid now. I got nothing to lose except the kid in my career. And I go, hey, Dave.

Dave, a long shot. I got a sold-out show. Be cool if you popped in. I know you're a busy guy. Just throwing it out there. Hope you're gay. And send. Now it's one of those things like,

oh, that's a big matzo ball out there. Like this could get rejected. This could get a eye roll. This could get Dave. You're just picturing Dave going, ugh, why would I want to go to this guy's shit? I'm so uncomfortable. This is the thing.

People get so successful that you text them and you're like, oh, my God. I remember talking to a friend who was like, when I started hanging with Louie, He's like, you just text Louis? That's crazy. I'm like, haven't you known him for 30 years? And he's like, I know, but he's you.

But that's a weird thing. It's a weird thing. It's almost like a hot girl. You think you could talk to her? Who are you crazy? I'm like, that was Shane. I text Shane. I'm like, oh my God, I hope you're not too busy.

I'm so sorry. You're probably playing football for the cowboys right now on piece of shit. Can I do a podcast? And meanwhile, you're like, this guy used to listen to our podcast. I know. The flip-flop is wild. Big flip-flops. So his family moved to East Peoria,

Oh, okay. When he was three months old. Okay. That's Peoria. Well, he should have a statue next to Primer. That's what I'm saying. Maybe they couldn't get enough iron. Interesting.

He's a big dude. I would never have pegged him for Illinois. I thought he was always just like a Houston-y guy. They did the laugh stop with Hicks and Carl LeBove and the untouchable. Outlaws. The Outlaws. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that wild?

Two of the biggest, most influential comics in the world are from the same place. That is seriously insane. Well, that's the thing I'm like, I feel like someone would have mentioned that before right now. How did I not know that? I think I heard Colin Quinn say it 48 years ago, and I went, that's interesting. Well, how about this? This is my fun little fact. In 1988, the presidential election was between Michael Dukakis and George H.W. Bush, both born in Milton, Massachusetts.

Whoa. A small town where both my parents happened to have been born. Whoa. Which that part is just an extra little fun. Sure. You have two people running against each other for the largest position, powerful man in the world. That's crazy.

Born in the same town. That is crazy. And happen to be running the same year. I mean, so many colliding bullshits there. Coinkie dinks. All right. All right. Text is out.

So the text is out. You know, you kind of sweat over it for an hour and two hours. You're like, all right, he's not texting me back. I'm just going to go home and shower and shit and shave. so then I'm a yanking my pud at the hotel phone lights up I got the porn going and the phone just says incoming call he calls oh my god so I'm half in the half in the boner I got my pants around my ankles I got my dad on the on the screen it says Dave Chappelle's calling Dave Chappelle calling see what is the baby I hit that swipe

you know you're like oh good hello hey man is Dave Hey, I got you text. And I go, oh, hey, my dick goes, whoo. And I go, hey, just throwing it out there. I know it's kind of crazy. Sorry if it was too bold. He goes, nah, I appreciate it. I'm very grateful you texted.

And I go, oh, well, hey, we got a sold-out show if you want to come by. And he goes, it's my wife's birthday. I would if I could, but I have a prior obligation. Richard Breyer. Beoria. But you want to get a drink after? Oh. And I go, oh.

On his wife's birthday? Well, she'll go to bed. I guess so. So I go, of course. I'd love to get a drill. Let's do it. And he goes, all right. Shoot me a text when you're done.

And I go, okay, thank you. Click. Come again. Yeah. I did. So I was like, holy shit, that was crazy. I finished rubbing one out. I rub one out to half baked just for the, you know.

And I was like, oh, man, that's crazy. And then it hits me. I'm a psycho. I booked a bar show after the theater. theater gig. Oh, wow. I have all these people coming to see me. I booked it a month ago.

The guy hits me up on a DM. He goes, hey, I got a bar show. You want to just headline it. We'll give you $16. And I go, I would love to. But by the way, when I was walking into Mothership on Saturday, a guy goes, hey, Joe, Tuesday. Want to do my bar show for 15 people? And I said, you got the wrong game.

And he laughed. He's like, I know, I know. I think it was worth a try. I'm like, it wasn't even worth a try. But talk to Mark. He'll do it. I'll do it. Okay, I will.

Hit me up, weirdo. I'm down. So I go, ah, and it's one of those things I'm like headlining. I'm on the poster, so I can't really bail on this guy. So now I'm like, how do I, you know, me, I want to do both. But that makes perfect sense. It's a bar show. He wants to have a drink.

Yeah. You have him at the bar show. I know, but he's out in Yellow Springs. The bar show's in Dayton. I don't feel like he's not coming to me. I got to go to him. It's Dave Chappelle. I suppose so.

And I got to, it's a bar show with a bunch of open micers and young comics. They're going to swarm his ass. I can't bring him there. That's the belly of the ball. beast. I feel like he might like that. Okay, okay, I hear you. Holding court. I hear what you're saying. So I go, oh, how do I get

out of this one? What do I do here? So I do what I always do. Nothing, I put it off. So I go do the show, the show's killer. Dayton crowds are unreal. They were a great time, great theater, the Victoria Theater. Now I get off stage and I get a text and it's just

an address. Like, come here. Oh, boy. And I'm like, oh, I going to go to the bar show. So I go, look, just be a man and call him and tell him what's what. Stop. Enough with his running around. Enough with the bullshit, the avoiding. Grow up. You got problems. I got problems. But I'm trying to fix the problem. So I called him. So I go, hey man, I got weird news. I still want to get the drink. But I'm a psycho. I booked another show. Can I see you after that? And he goes, you're not a psych. I get it. Hit me after.

Well, first of all, yeah. First of all, he's a comedy guy. He does five hours on stage. He also stays up till 9 o'clock in the morning. Yes. So I think you look okay here. Thank you. Not Jerry. Right. Chappelle.

Well, they're both giants. Well, but I'm saying Jerry seems like he wears his suit. He's like after the show, we eat pizza, then we go to bed. We sleep for seven hours. We go to a movie. Yes. Chappelle, I feel like you can be like, can we actually meet at 3 a.m. and he's like, shit, motherfucker, yeah, I don't care. Right, okay, yeah, that's my prime time.

So I was like, okay, great. And he goes, but I'll be moving around. I'm in the cut, which I didn't know what that means. I love in the cut. What is it the cut? In the cut means, like, in the shadows. The cut is the shade. I'm in the cut, which means I'm trying to stay low.

Okay. D.L. I thought I meant I'm in the woods. I'm in the cut. I could be wrong. Yeah. In the cut, I think, is like, I'm cutting, I'm staying low. Oh, in the cut.

The D.L. Well, why is it a cut? Keep it in the cut. I'm in the cut. In the cut. Shit, I don't know, player. Yeah, me. Let me see.

Get some, call up Ian Lara or something. Yeah. Very, very accurate. I nailed it. Yeah. Oh, really? See, I know blacks. Okay.

To be hidden, secluded, or staying out of the spotlight. Yeah, in the shadows. Yeah. All right. Our career was in the cut for a while. Oh, yeah. Mine might be going back there, I think. Well, I go, um, uh, I go, okay, great.

I'll cut you later Bye bye You know And So I go skipping back to Murphy I go this is great Blah blah blah

Now we do a little finagling Because I got Murphy On the bar show too Because he's opening But you can't bring Murphy To meet Chappelle Why not

Well he looks like An old elderly man He's got a cane Yeah Yeah he's sickly He's Iqabod train He's balding He has glasses

I mean You can't bring him Into a Chappelle hang Well, David Tell had the best line. He goes, you look like a butler in a haunted house. I mean, that's next level. Next level, Zing. David Tell, the king.

So I got to bring him. What am I going to put him on the curb and put a help me sign on him with a can? No, it's a good point. It's a good point. We love you, Murph, Doug. Murphy's the man, killer. He's got a new album, he just recorded. He's putting it on my YouTube.

His flag football team just won the championship. I heard that. Yeah, I saw the photo of the team. You've got to see them. They look like they have AIDS. It's a rag. The whole team. group of riffraff, I'll tell you that.

So I go, okay, now I'm headlining this bar show. The bar show starts at 10, and you know a bar show. That means it's going to start at 10.40. So I go, okay, they're paying me a couple hondo to do 30 minutes at the end. So I go in there and it's a nice joint, a pizza joint

with a big room in the back, and I go, what do you say I go up first? Give me 100 bucks. Shave the whole thing, down. And I'll do 20. And the guy's like, yeah, whatever you want. Okay, great. And I go, oh, great, all right. So it's, you know, 50 people. It's pretty damn good show at Brickies. That's the name of the joint. I go up. I do 20 on the dot. I make fun everybody. I make fun of the room. I do my jokes. I get the hell out of there. Murphy says, I won't do a set. We got to go, this is more important. Okay. Now, we run to the car. We sit in the car. It's like swingers. We're like,

who, Chappelle, where are we going? I'll text him. Get the new address. He's in the cut. He's moving around. Right. So I go, all right, Dave, we're free as a bird. Where are you at, baby?

Hit me with that address. Nothing. And then now we're just sitting in the car. It's running. We're outside of Brickies. Oh, boy. And I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have said baby. That's no good.

He's going to be like, this guy's on some gay shit, you know, whatever. Right. And I'm like, so I edited it. I took Baby out. You know, you can edit it now? I didn't know that You could edit text Oh that's good to know

Very good Get that NWR out of there This guy's taking a piss on the tree By the way This guy right here Just pissed on your tree That guy? Yeah

Wow He looked like a student Yeah he's got a backpack And warm up pants Just pissed right there Wow What a hood I'm in the cut

So I'm like All right Here we go And now we're sitting there For 20 minutes With no address He's moving around We don't know where he's at

So And Murphy lost out In a set I know And I forgot this nugget We have a 6 a M flight because I had to get back to get the baby. Dayton's one of these.

You leave at 6 a.m. or you leave at 9 p.m.? I got that with Denver. I can either get home at 7 a.m. if I leave at 4 or I get home at 5 p.m. What is that? Give us some options, will you, Delta? But whatever.

So I got the 6 a.m. So now you've got to be there at 5, so you've got to wake up at 4.30. So we're like, damn. Now it's already 1055. and it's a 45-minute drive to wherever he's at probably. So I go, this is getting ugly. And a party is like, eh, I already pushed my luck. We talked on the phone.

He doesn't really know me that well. He's not dying to hang out with me. Maybe we bail. And Murphy's like, well, before we bail, we should send a second text. And I go, I can't do a two-fer. If he doesn't answer one, now I'm a nuisance. Right, Gavin Newsom's. He can't hit him back.

Yeah. So I'm like, how about this? What if we start driving towards Yellow Springs? By the time he rides back, we'll already be there. Perfect. Thank you. So we start driving. 44 minutes. Here we go.

All right. We're driving. We're driving. Nothing. Nothing. 20 minutes, 30 minutes, nothing. I'm like, now what if we get to Yellow Springs? We just have to go right back.

You could pop into all the cutty-looking bars. Yeah, cutty start. It's a dark bar. You bump in. But I agree. But you've been to Yellow Springs? I don't think I have I'd never been there either

It's woods Cornfield and then you get there It's a college town Antioch Right Which I've heard of Yeah I've driven around that area And seeing the Yellow Springs Five miles

I've been like oh that's Chappelle But I've never been over there Yeah yeah It's a cute call like these standard College town bars with kids Spilling out of it Music joints You know hockey talks and all this shit

The Main Street The whole thing So now we're just driving around Yellow Springs And Sean's like, dude, it's 12.30. You either got to call him or we got to go. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. And you're right.

So I pull over and I go, all right, let me just do the call. Let me just pull over and do this right. Oh, boy. I pick up my phone. He calls. Whoa. And he just goes, he says an address. He goes, 408 Franklin Street.

See you soon. Click. And I go, Jesus Christ. So I go, 408 Franklin, 4. I'm just saying that out loud so we don't forget it. So we put it in 408 Franklin. It's three minutes away. Oh.

Perfect. So we drive to 4-O.8 Franklin. It's in the wood. We're on a dirt road. We're doing this shit. What the fuck? Hit the brights as a deer goes by, a cracket. And I go, is that it?

Is that the house? It's just a house. It's like a home. Oh, boy. With one light on flickering. And we go, okay. Some good-looking lady answers the door. I look in, there's like 30 people dancing, shucking, jiving.

There's food everywhere. Loud music. And I go. is Dave home? And they go, Oh, yeah, come on in. And I go, okay. This is home?

This is home. Oh, Jesus. So we get through the house. There's people everywhere. They're all very nice. They're all very hospitable. There's cookies and cake and all this shit. It's the birthday.

Oh. And so I go, oh, wow, happy birthday. Hey, good to see you. I got Murphy in tow. He's hideous. And we get to the kitchen, and he's in there holding court. Hey, he's got a sleeveless shirt on. Hey, everybody went.

I show up, oh, Mark, the handshake, the hug. I go, this is Murphy, goes, oh, yeah, you're ugly. All right, da-da-da. You want to drink, smoking, drinking, the whole thing. I go, give me a drink, whatever, we're drinking, we're guzzling, we're telling stories. He's an easy laugh, by the way. Really? Yeah, I had a couple good lines with him.

I was on, Jerry, and we're chucking and jiving for, like, a good hour, just laughing in the kitchen, bullshitting. and he goes, you guys want to go to the shack? And I go, what's the shack? Is that in the cut? And he goes, the shack, you'll see. And I go, I guess we've got to go to the shack. You got to see the shack. I don't know what the shack is.

Shack Daddy. Yeah, Shaquille O'Neill, Radio Shack. So I go, okay, let's go to the shack. And he goes, hop in my Porsche. And a lady, a little white lady, I don't know if I'm giving away too much of his personal life. I don't think so. Okay, well, a little white lady goes, I'll drive. So we hop in the cayenne

We head to the shack 20 minute drive through the woods We get to a shack I'm talking to a barn In the middle of a parking lot Like barn We get in there

We parked the car One of those long big wooden sliding doors You know that go Click click click click click click click click We get in there It's this beautiful bar It's like his bar With photos all over the wall

glossy prince of him with Bono, him with Mick Jagger, him with Keith Richards, him with Springsteen, him and Norm, him and Louis at the garden, him and a tell, whatever. And I'm like, oh my God, the bar is beautiful, fully stocked, and he goes, what do you want? I go, I'll have a cigar and a tequila soda. He goes, you got it. Now we're sitting at the bar talking, and he goes, a door opens, a guy walks out, like a hot Hispanic guy with a beard, a hat, and he goes, hey, play whatever. And the guy goes, you got it.

is a DJ on retainer. What? Like a DJ. He's like the gimp. Yeah, he's the gimp. He comes out and he goes, put on the one I like. And he goes, all right, boom, creep by radio head is blaring. And now we're all just vibing out. We're smoking.

Everybody's high. Murphy's crying. It was crazy. And we just start telling comedy stories and Norm Talk and Colin Quinn and Louie and and it was just the craziest night. And then at some point, I realized I've had 17 drinks. I've got to drive home for 45 minutes. Right.

Now, who was, how many people were there is my question? Is it like six or 20? It was us three. The girl, his assistant, whatever lady, is over there just on her phone. Right. She didn't want to hang out with us. And so us three. And then eventually two or three other guys showed up, like, some people in his crew who were like, we're trying to get drunk.

Let's hang out. I think one was his cousin. One was another guy. So it was very intimate Wow So now it's like two in the morning And I'm like Okay, this is fun as hell

This is awesome Dave couldn't be more hospitable He couldn't be more fun and nice But I'm like We gotta drive home 45 We'll get home at 2.45 We got to park the car Then we got to go to bed

Then we got to wake up at 4.30 Oh my God And you know me I get home at I'll get home at 830 And then it's just Here's the baby Right You know which is fair

but so I'm like oh god this is going to be hell so we go hey Dave we got a split I got an early flight he goes all good great night good to see you and you just think this is how he lives every night he does this this is just his home right isn't that great like right now he's there well hopefully he takes some nights off for God's sake

yeah yeah nervous he's one of our brilliant minds I know I know and he's funny on in hanging too like he says funny shit where you're like oh no one he's so charming of course He's so captivating. Everything he says. He's a fucking genius.

Yeah. And so it's so cool to be like, oh, my God, I'm in with this guy for a few brief moments. It's just me and him. I mean, that is, like, unbelievable. I think about 2002, season one, Chappelle's show. 100%. I mean, it's just unbelievable. Season one, season two.

It's just, it's unreal. It's unfathomable. Ashie Larry, Rick James, bitch. The darkness. The real world sketch. Remember that one? Of course. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, the N-Words. N-words. The blind... The blind supremacists. Yeah. That was episode one. Tyrone Bigel or the crackhead guy. You know where he does the dances with the suit on.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So I'm just like, this is crazy, whatever. So I go, we got to go. We jump in the car. We're going, woo, that was crazy. We get back to the hotel. There's a garage in the hotel.

Garage closed. Ah, shit. So now we're circling the block looking for parking, which is always risky because you're like, okay. This is giving me anxiety. The car is going to get towed or whatever. But it's a Saturday night going into Sunday. It should be fine.

So we parked the car, run to the hotel, try to fall asleep. We get, wake up, beep, beep, two hours of sleep. Jump in the car, return the rental. Then it's that whole thing where you return the rental and you're like, is this where we leave it? You know, it's a small airport. So it's not really, there's not a guy going, come on in, park it right here. Okay, here's your receipt. It's just put them in a box.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the box. Hate the box. It's just all very, you're like, is this okay? Is somebody going to, a homeless guy, going to take the keys? What are we doing here? So we get out, we get to the airport, and I go, we're sleeping on this flight. I am getting full sleep on this flight. I'm getting an hour.

You ever had this one? I'm in a first class, 2A, nice one, one row. You know, you get the oneer and then the twoer. I'm in the oneer. Best seat in the airplane, 2A. the airplane was so cold I couldn't sleep Yes

Sometimes they have that I feel like a bitch I'm like I look around Everybody's shivering And I ask the lady I go could you turn the heat on And she goes

I got it I got it Never turned an inch Yes Well they gotta remember My wife just said that She's always chilly She's one of these women I'm freezing

Great old Kevin Knox joke I'm cold Are you cold I'm on fucking fire But she's always chilly And we're going to Austin She's going to the airport In a tank top

Yes yes What are you on your front fucking minds. Airplanes are cold. Get a hoodie. They have that fucking steam. Yes, yes. Air steam, whatever, like they have the Dolphins game. I know. The mister. Missed. Yes. Mystery. Mr. Rogers.

He's good. But, no, I've had that. It's horrible because being cold is like sickening. It makes you want to throw up. You could ask for a blanket, though, but a small plane like that, they probably don't have them. No blanket. And I did this one. I was like, it's freezing. And the lady goes, turn your thing off. And I'm like, it's

off. It's been off for an hour, bitch. You think I know about the thing. So whatever. So I couldn't sleep. I was like, huh, and I get off. And it was one of those things where you commiserate with everybody getting off. You're like, was that cold? They were like, freezing. I was dying. Like, okay, so no sleep. You get home. And it's just full on baby diaper in the face. And I just wrote it out for two hours. But you do it for the story. You do it for the story. I mean, that is unbelievable. Have you talked since? Did he go? Oh, man, that was fly. Well, this is again, my insecurity, my self-esteem. I I almost texted him like,

just want to say thanks for the hospital. That was a great night. But then I'm like, I don't want to bother him. No, you could do that. I think it's fun. You go ahead, that was great. Because I had that with Rogan. I'm like, do I text Rogan?

Boy, what a club. I'll like to blow you. But I never even saw him. Interesting. Yeah. You text Chappelle. I'll text Roebe. You should text him.

I'll text Joe. I'll say, hey, that was a hell of a weekend. Yeah. I think he would love that. I think he's going to love the fact that you said, great club, best in the biz, all that. Oh, the club is unbelievable. By the way, best condos back-to-back.

I had the Rogan condo and now the Denver Comedy Works condo. That is the two best. Back-to-back weekends, full sold-out shows, killer condo. You're cruising. You're out of the cut. I'm not in the cut, baby. I was in the cut in the summer.

Now I'm in the sun. Cutless Supreme. That's wild. Murphy must have been like coming in his pants the whole time. Did he get any zings in? Any lines or did you just sit there? He got a couple zings in? Yeah, luckily, Chappelle had seen him at the cellar.

So it gave him like, oh, you're a real comic, you're at the cellar, I've seen you there. Because it's tough to be the opener guy. I've been that guy many times where I'm hanging out with like, you know, Tommy Lee Jones or Paul McCartney and you're like, bye. Yes, yes, yes. I'm successful too, but lesser, you know. Well, it's one of the great things about Murphy is he's, I'm like, all right, I'm going to bring you, but just, you know, don't be annoying. He's like, I won't say a word. I totally get it.

He gets it where the, you know, you get that one guy in the green room who's like filming or something. and he won't shut the fuck up because he feels uncomfortable. And you're like, you're already on thin ice, we don't even need you in here. Why are you talking the most? Well, I'll keep this ambiguous as possible, but I have a friend who has a friend that had another guy come, and that guy left, was like, I got to go. And then this guy was like, that was awesome. And then this guy was like, that guy left because of you.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on. There's a lot of moving parts there. Well, it's just guy one and guy two, hang on. out and guy legend guy three is like i'll come see guy one and then guy two is so excited that he's like sclool lu guy one and the guy one is like you know a guy two whatever legend guy three guy three is like yeah no i don't think i'm going to make it an early night

and the guy three the legend leaves guy two's like how crazy was that guy one and guy one is like guy three left because of you guy two wow gitchy guy i'll give you the names after i can't wait i think i know guy the big guy guy is, but I don't know the other guys. Yeah. You know Guy one. Okay. You know all three guys. Guy Brandham. The four guys. That was my podcast commercial. It's a good burger at five guys. But, all right. Well, yeah, shit, that's crazy. So that's the story. And he couldn't have been nicer. He couldn't have been more generous. That's amazing. That's a great ending, by the way. Oh, all right. I wanted to say at the beginning when we started talking about bad endings.

What percentage of comedy sketches do you think end well? Endings is the toughest part of a sketch. 19% end well. Yeah, it's just there's no, you never, it's always like, oh, I get the bit, this is funny. Yeah, it just kind of was like, all right. Yeah, but I do think that's stand-up. Stand-up is all ending. It's a punchline. Right. That's where we shine.

Good point. They can have a good idea, a good premise, and a good act out, but the ending is really the hard part. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now, now, didn't you add a little. I got a couple things. I mean, what time are we at here? Because I don't know what I can tell or whatnot. We're at 55. 55, all right.

Right at the finish. Well, I'll throw in a quick thing here. Please. Put it right in my ass. What do I want to squeeze in here? A guy fell out of his chair. Oh, that's fun. Well, I've got to say this.

Luke Bonas opened for me out in Austin. Great guy, great comic. We went to the UT Game, University of Texas. Which is always, I've always wanted to do, you know me. If there's a sporting event going on in the town, I got to be there. I agree. It's fun. It makes me sick to not be there.

So they play at 11 a.m. Central. That's good for you. Very nice. Two shows. But I'm traveling with the baby, which is very difficult to do a road weekend with the child because he doesn't care. He wakes up at 5.30. He wants to see me. He likes me. So you're exhausted. And then you have two shows. And its mothership has seven and ten. It's like a long break in between. I hate the break. Because getting into the mothership is like going to an airport. There's like a metal detector and it's wild out there. I do the back entrance. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I mean the audience. That's why they need the break in between.

Bag the phones up, strip search, anal cavity, the whole thing. It's unbelievable. It's a serious undergoing. Yes. So the shows are late, and then we're having cigars, the whole thing. It's just a fucking unbelievable hang. But I'm like, all right, Luke, UT games. So I get up early with the baby and Sarah.

We go out to breakfast. I hit up Luke. I'm like, let's go to the game. We ride over there. First of all, we get into the stadium. It's like, it's one of those things where you just want to cross it off your list. Put a pin in it. They're playing San Jose State, who sucks, and it's like a blowout anyways.

So we get all the way up, we're in row 65 or whatever, starts raining. So many hot women, it's insane. Texas is crazy. It's crazy. Then Luke, who I love, one of the smartest guys I know, but it's fun when you're, because I'm retarded, but I'm smart about some things. Yeah, you got stuff. Yeah, so he goes, boy, this is a small stadium for a big school. I go, a small stadium, was he retarded?

And you don't want to just go, what are you dumb? This isn't small. Yeah. So I just looked, I just Google Texas Memorial Stadium, and then you have this moment. Ninth largest stadium in the world. In the world. Ninth largest stadium. It's 105,000 people.

Oh, my God. This is small. I'm like, what are you nuts? And I'm all fucked up. I can't judge crowd sizes. Me neither. And I miss both ways. Sometimes I'm like, what is this?

A thousand people? They're like, it's 300. Right. Is this a thousand people? Like, it's 5,000. You're by. So I've been there. before. And he goes, this is a small

stadium. It's literally the ninth largest stadium on the earth. Wow. 100,000 people. So then I'm like, it starts right. We see three touchdowns. Texas is just blowing them out. San Jose blows. So I'm like, all right, let's get out of here. Buy the baby some stuff. We're walking back.

Now it starts raining hard. Some guy, there's all these pedicabs. As we're leaving, we get recognized by a woman. Kind of a hot lady. She's like, Joe List. Hey. I used to work at mothership. I'm a big fan. Then the other petty cab guy's like, Tuesdays with stories. So we're killing it about a bunch of Petty Cab people.

Tom Petty. So the lady's like, you want to ride back? And it was one of those ones where you can't tell them, like, is this a free ride? I know, I know. Free ride. He's like, come on, I'll give you a ride. Yeah. But is this a recognize you're a fan?

I'll give you a ride. Or do we owe money? Exactly. And as a celeb in the cut, you got a tip big. So it could be a way over ride. Great point. So I go. we're okay, we'll walk.

We want to get our steps in. Although it's a little unsettling because it's a fucking, it's zombie land in Austin. Sure. I mean, literally, if you've never been to downtown Austin, it actually feels like zombie.

Like, they come out and they're like, hello. Yes, yes. And they're all crazy looking. Like, they're all naked and ashy and Larry. It's crazy. It's very, it's a great,

it's a different kind to homeless. It is. People are like, oh, New York has homeless. People am like, not like this. No, it's like, nothing like this. Toxic Avenger.

homeless. It's nuts. So anyways, we'll walk. Then we'll walk and we see her zip by with some with a affair. There's people, not a fair. Affair and a fair. That's funny. Oh, yeah. Current affair. Anyway, she zips by, hey, there's Joe List again. She leaves. Then there's

another guy going. Now, Luke thinks I'm like a big celebrity. Sure. He's like, everybody knows you. You've got low self-esteem. You're crazy. Black petty guy goes by and he goes, yo. And he goes, Joe, this, this guy recognized you too. So Luke goes, yeah, that's him. So the guy turns around and pulls over and he's

like, I'm telling you, he wants a photo. And the guy's like, y'all want to ride? And Luke's like, he knows you. And I'm like, no, no, no, you yelled, hey. Yeah. He was saying, yo. And he's like, no, he said Joe. So we have an argument in front of the guy. And I was like, you know who I am? And he's like, are you somebody? I don't get it. Oh, there we go. So I'm like, no, he doesn't know who the fuck we are. Now you just hailed a cab. Yeah. And we're turning them away. So we're assholes. Oh, God, that's awkward. So he leaves. Then we walk another 100 yards.

The girl comes back again. Jesus. But we know is it because she dropped off. She's going back to the stadium. She goes, you sure you don't want a ride? Finally, go, let's get a ride. It'll be fun. Okay.

Fun adventure. Is it raining? It's raining, and it's picking up. Got it. So we hop on. The seat's all wet. She's going to wipe it down for us. You feel weird.

She's like working for us. Yeah. Now, Luke is 6-6, 285 pounds. I'm 6-3, 140 pounds. He's a big fat man. We get on. We're 500 pounds. So we get back.

there. I'm like, can you handle this? She's like, oh, I can handle it. It's like an e-bike. She turns up the tunes. It's blasting. Wet thing. Starts and immediately it's like, boom. And it's a low back, no seatbelts. And she's trying to give us a thrill, I guess. Oh, not a thrill. I think she might be a nut. So she's like zooming in and out. We're running red light. She's doing that. And literally, we're getting thrown. I got video of it. We're going back and forth. Luke's crying. At the same time, I'm also like, this is scary. Yeah, no helmet, by the way. No helmet. It's like a haunted Hayride, too. The cooks are, like, trying to grab us.

We're zooming away. They're just missing us. One brushed my hair with his fingernails. I mean, not joking. Literally a red light. We go through. There's a car coming through. It almost hits us. Oh, Jesus. It's psychotic. She whips on to Sixth Street. She's like, I'm trying to give you an adventure. Her ass is in bike shorts, right in our face, all wet. Then there's another bike guy. He comes wrong. Got a gun on his hip. It's legal, concealed, carry, whatever the fuck. Open carry there.

So he's got a gun on his hip We're like, that guy's got a gun It's raining, there's homeless people Then the next red light She pulls up, almost hits the guy She gets as close as she can Whips by, she's like, oh, he's nuts She's like, he's a crazy guy

Almost hits him He's got his hand on the gun Whoa! That part I made up But we end up skitting in We ride up into the sidewalk We're back And then I'm like, so do we owe you anything?

She's like, yeah, it's about 30 bucks Ah 30 bucks Wow, for 10 feet The ticket was 40 bucks. So I'm like, oh, okay. And you got a tip? I got a tip. It's one of these things. I have exactly $31 in my pocket. And Luke, he doesn't give a, I'm like, you got any cash? He's like, no. He just walks in the hotel. So I'm like, sorry, here's 31. Oh, Sampras. And she's like, can you get me

on the list? And I'm like, sure, I'll put you on the list. Okay, that's something. Then I put her on the list at the club. Adam's like, oh, this lady used to work here. She's crazy. She's a nut. And I was like, well, I told her I'd put her on the list. And he's like, oh, I'll put her on the list. We'll see. So I don't know if she came or not. I came, but... She shoot up the place, I mean... No, as far as... I mean, you can't get within 100 yards

at that place. That's a good point. But it was a wild adventure. I'll put the video on YouTube. It was nuts, but it was fun. Oh, man. I saw the whole thing. You painted a picture, Fannie.

Oh, it was wet and wild. Yeah, that was lunch. She's wet. All right, we've got to do some plugs. Asheville. I don't know when the date is. The tickets are going on sale today. September 22nd is when this comes out.

Yes, so the tickets go on sale today. It's Asheville. When is the date, though? Wee. Maybe we can cut this out here. Hold on. Ashville. 26.

I'm an idiot. Tommy. Oh, fuck me. Oh, maybe I'll go. You go. All right. You mentioned how much San Jose sucked. I love them.

I'm going there. Well, just the team. I see. Oh, by the way, real quick, the quarterback, Adamie gets cousin. Whoa. Is that weird? Weird, wacky, and wild. He's like, yeah, that was my cousin.

I was like, boy. Yeah, it's all connected down there. Everything's connected. Inbreeding. All right, so I'm at San Jose, the Performing Arts Center on the 25th. That's almost sold out. Come on by. Then the big special taping, Boulder, Colorado, three shows.

Tickets still available for one of them. We'd love to pack that out and come in with a smile and a laugh because we want to record that and hopefully sell it somewhere. Then I'm going to Greece, Ireland, Helsinki, Oslo, Norway, Baltimore, and Baltimore at Magoo. San Diego, California, and I'm going to D.C. at the Lincoln Theater, Chocolate City. And then I'm doing a casino in Pryor Lake, Minneapolis, or something like that. It's right outside of Minneapolis, Minnesota. I think it's called Something Mystic Lake. That's it. Oh, in the Kodak Center at Rochester, Skank Fest, Nola, and Niagara Falls, too. So it's going to be a wacky wild winter.

We'd love to have you. Come on out. Get on the Patreon. It's humming. It's cooking. All kinds of fun stuff. What do you got, Dickless? I finally found it.

Asheville, January 22nd and 23rd. Thank God. It goes on sale today. I also have Louisville, Kentucky coming up. Oh, I love Kentucky. That's December, oh, boy. December 4th through the 6th. I have Irvine.

Improvine Improv. That's one of my favorite rooms. Yeah, October 2nd through the 4th. Then I have Dallas Improv, October 23rd to the 25th. So a bunch of fun stuff. Lexington, Kentucky, Asheville, North Carolina, Dallas Improv, Sott. I can't retain information in my head anymore. What's that club in New Jersey? What's the name of the Chickletong? Stress Factory. Yes, Stress Factory. I'm doing November. 6th through the 8th. Yeah, so come to that, please. For the love of God, I'm skipping out on a big gig to keep my commitment to that gig.

So please fill up that stress factory. And I got to talk about this real quick. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. Yes. Is outselling my largest expectation. So many great reviews on Letterbox. You're messaging me. And it's done much better than I thought it would.

So keep that going. We put the first 20 minutes on. YouTube. You can watch it there. Smart. And get the rest of the film on Punch Up Live. And for the love of God, join our Patreon. We're doing a bonus in about five seconds. It's killer. It's lunch.

Get the bundle, folks. Buy the bundle. Punchup.com. What do you got, Choochah? Check on my podcast. Funbearable. Newest episode as of this recording has the cast of Rick and Morty. Oh, that show's huge.

That's a great show. The voices of Morty, Rick, Jerry, and Summer. So that's Chris Parnell, Harry Bell, Ian Cardone, and Spencer Grammer. Great episode, very, very fun. They're super nice. The second time we had Parnell on, which is really cool. He's funny. Check it out, funbearablepod.com at funbearablepod on social.

I'm going to urinate. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about the weapons. I was trying to be funny. I fucked up. I'm so sorry. I feel terrible. I'm an asshole.

You're right. I fucked up. I'm a piece of shit. I tried to warn you. Yeah, you should have cut it, you son of a bitch. You were like, fuck you. I was like, don't do it. You're like, fuck you.

Oh, I thought it was funny. People are upset with me. Very upset. I'm so sorry. Thank you.