Tuesdays with Stories! - #624 Great Bulge of Fuego

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

Joe has a biiiiig hang with one Nate Bargatze! Mark goes to Nova Scotia! Joe has a cringe memory with an old flame! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Support the show and shop SKIMS Mens at https://www.skims.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Here we go. We're live. Oh, we're here. We're queer. A lot of stuff going on. The city's on fire. The news is crazy.

I'm gay. There's an alarm going off. Oh, wow. You don't hear the beep alarm anymore. I was just at Starbucks one second ago. And this is a sign that the end times are here. The smoke detector thing, like, like, goes up.

Nobody, like, reacted. Nobody looked up. up or from their phones or anything. And it's like piercing. I'd put my AirPods in. I was like, it sounded like hell was merging with, you know, Detroit. Next star. Yeah.

And everyone just kind of sat around. And it's crazy out there in this world. Crazy. I'd put the AirPods in. That'd be my move. The noise cancel. That's what I did. Hey.

Look at that. I said that one second ago. That's what I do with the baby. Baby's crying. I go. Put the AirPods in him? Me. Oh, I see.

He put the AirPods in him. He might be quiet then, too, because he'll be like, what's going on with my life? I can't hear it. I'm deaf. Mr. Holland's op-down girl. Yeah, that's what's going on in mine. How about this, though?

You want some hope? I need some hope. Do you need some hope? Hope and change. Hope and change. Hope floats. Obama. How about this for hope?

So I rode my bike here. I keep saying my bike, but it's a city bike. You know what I mean, though. You know what I mean. I do the city bike every day. I love it. I love it, too. I say my bike.

It's not my bike. Because he's my butler. So I'm riding on the bike. I'm getting on the Brooklyn Bridge over there, down in, uh, Chinatown. That's a great ride. Or is that Chinatown? What is that? The Manhattan side of the Brooklyn Bridge.

That's Manhattan Bridge. Williamsburg Bridge. Yeah, but what's, what I'm saying? What neighborhood is that Brooklyn? Pace University. I guess it's City Hall. Lower East Side? City Hall.

All right. So I'm over at City Hall. I'm getting on the bridge and this fucking Putsie-Doo. I got a green light. All right. So I start to go. Here comes a big van. van he's coming in and I had to stop

see me stopping stop stop I go What the fuck is this And the van goes by And he's going Doing this thing Uh oh Silent movie yelled

He's screaming And I go fuck you You fucking ran the red light You dirty fuck you know Oh shit And so I go what the hell This guy's yelling too I go oh you believe this fucking piece of shit

Yeah So then I get around I take the corner Now he's run the light So he's kind of at the back of the traffic So I'm getting on the ramp of the bridge. Okay.

And I see he's got his window down. Oh, shit. Here we go. So I take out my, you know, self-help air pod. Sure. Podcast. And I'm like, all right, let's have it out. I'm on a bike.

You're in a car. You cut me off. I'm clearly in the right, you piece of shit. What's he look like? Can you take him? Is he gay? White guy, I can't take anyone. White guy shaved head, big spaces between his teeth.

I would say some kind of Eastern European maybe. You don't want to mess with that Eastern Block. Christopher Gladden. So I pull up and he's going, and I go, what the fuck? You're mad at me? You're fucking yelling at me? You went through the red light.

And he goes, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize. And I go, oh. And there's a bunch of people around like, you're apologizing? He's like, yes, yes, I'm sorry. I got to get the thing.

And I go, oh, I thought you were yelling at me. I know, yell. I yell. I yell apology. How about that? That never happens. And I went, I'm sorry. Apology accepted, my friend.

And he said, oh, thank you. and I went, we did the heart tap. Heart tap. There's hope. Hey, I love an apology. Can we crank the AC? I told you. That white remote there, right by your face.

Grab that remote, shove it up your ass, fart it out. Don't turn it off. Turn it. You got your thumb on the, oh, that's the red button. Ah, geez. The red button ejects you. Open the flap. Very strong spring.

The flap is open. No, no, the bottom flap of that remote. Slider down. Oh, maybe. There it is. I like those remotes. I haven't seen one of those in a minute. That's old school Mitsubishi.

Oh, Mitsubishi. Yeah. Okay, now hit the fan button a couple times and you can crank up the... There it is. Crank it up, fuckers. What temperature you got on that fatty? 68. That might go 7.

Go 6-7. Oh, geez. 6-7. That's good. Thank you. All right. Rupert, everybody. Rupert's out here.

Where is Chuck? I don't know. Swingers Party or Comic-Con? Who knows anymore? Is he gay? What happened? Where do you go? I don't know. We got Rupert. You can tell because the camera's on a slant. The floor's leaning.

Hibis. He's here. He's queer. And, yeah. And you slimmed up a little bit. Slimed down? A little. Yeah. He looked good. You look like a million bucks. Well, he had a kid.

Mm-hmm. That'll wear on you. Mm-hmm. Is it true about muscle weighing more than fat? People like to say that one. You could put on 10 pounds of muscle. Yeah. Because I am really peaking weight-wise, and I've been lifting, but I've been eating nothing but Koso for three weeks straight.

You don't look fatter. Well, you know, but I'm bolted. You look buff. What do you work out? I've been working out. I've been doing a lot of kettlebells every day. I'm huge. Yeah, I'm huge.

Well, where you've been? I mean, I got some stuff. I've been everywhere, man. Great song. Have I seen, oh, we recorded in between Austin and Denver. We did, or we did? We did. Okay.

So I went straight from Austin to Denver. So I'm Richard Pryor right now. I'm George Collin. They need a fucking statue of my tits. I'm the greatest comedian of all time. I just did the two best clubs, I'm saying. Oh, you're cooking. And then I came home and did Souljoles.

Oh, another banger. So I've been burning down the house for three straight weeks, and now I've got that Irvine improv coming up, which is fun. It's another good one if you fill it. But it's a barn. Yeah, I can't fill that fucking thing. Yeah, that's where Rupert sleeps. It's a big old warehouse.

So that one's going to bring me back down to size, I think. Yeah, you're going to slim down. But I do think you don't go to L.A. every day. You can get a little buzz going. Well, I have a buzz, and I do sell some tickets. And, by the way, I'm a free agent now. I released my manager of his duties. Hey, would you?

Was he working for Kimmel? Oh, boy. And so now his manager is flying. in to see me. How about that? Woo! Is that right? Oh, that's right, baby. Flying in L.A. Well, not flying in. I'll probably take a car, you know, whatever, train. I guess they already live in L.A.

Yeah, they don't need to fly. Sure. I can get an helicopter. Kobe. But, yeah, that's exciting. Now, you get your pick of the litter. But here's, I'm such a cum-guzzling quefe that any manager who was interested in me, I'd be like, I'll take it. Yeah, well, that's what I've done in the past, and with women and managers, and here I am. So this time I'm going to be really selective. I like it.

And I'm going to go for the best, Jerry. And make them take you out. Wine and dine you? Sixty-nine you. Yeah, really work the balls, play with the clit, and tweak the nips. Now, what do you make of this? Because I've had several people, my agent, my wife, and Luke Monas, who's the smartest guy I know, all said, you need a woman. What do you think about that?

Women are more organized. I'm a little fucked up right now. I got children. My father's gay. The small brain, the bad driving, that's a tough one. Yeah, in the gash, but I don't know. Menstrual. Might be nice.

Plus, easier to confront. You can kind of smack them around a little bit. True, true. That's why I'm going to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, yeah, good point. So what do you, is your manager a man, woman? Break down all your managers and their genders. My manager is a woman.

Okay. So you might have something here. But I never saw a difference. I never saw like a pro or a con. Cons. Cones. So I got a manager, woman, male agent. Which you know what it's kind of like?

You know when you go on the subway, it says, stand clear of the closing doors, man. Then it goes, next stop, West 4th Street. Lady. They did studies. Yes, because the man commands and the woman informs. We take information better from women and commands better from men. There you go.

So the agent, I feel like commands. Hey, theater, you better book my fucking homo here. Or we're going to come after you. And they go, okay, we'll put him in. And the woman goes, can I get you a hotel? I'm coming on the phone with Hilton. So now you've got a hotel.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Well, my agent, who's the most beautiful man I've ever met in my life, top dog, pooch. Oh, the pooch. Tommy Pucciani, we call him the pooch. He's the greatest. But he, everywhere I go, the club owner, the man, they go, your agents, the best.

biggest ball buster I ever met. He's tough as nails. He ran us to the ringer. That I like. You want that. But your manager, I think you want people to be like, he's the best. We had the greatest time of our lives. He took us all out. He ate us out. He blew us. Sure. Or she. She blew us. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll go non-gender. One of those. A non-bi-bi-sexual. I like that. That's not me. Non-binary. That means you neither. I don't fucking know anymore. Non-bionary. I guess so? And then what is neurodivergent? I think that's us.

The more I'm told about neurodivergence, I'm like, slap that of my ass and come on it. I'll take it. Maybe it'll help us get some love out in the world. I don't even know what it means. Can we give that a goog there, Rupy? Well, Lex, our camera guy, was the first one to say to me, I think you're neurodivergent.

But I don't know, because I'm always complaining about noises that no one else hears. So I don't know if I'm autistic or OCD or retarded or neurod You're hypervigilant. That's what you are. All the time, I'm like, can someone stop the fucking beeping? And people are like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. That's a problem.

It's a collection of conditions that affect how a person's brain processes, information, and interacts with the world. All right. I still don't know what it means. Oh, so it's an umbrella. So neurodivergence is an umbrella. Oh. So, I mean, I have OCD, so, you know, I guess I'm neurodivis. Is that included?

I guess so. Or maybe he didn't mention that one. I heard ADD. ADD? Oh, I mean, if you and I don't have ADD, then who the fuck does? OCD is. OCD, boom, I'm neurodivergent. How do you like that?

Nerovirus. Okay. MTV News. Am I any of those? Do they have gay in there or a bad wiper? I think you're pretty compulsive. Small dong. All right.

I think you're obsessive-compulsive. You're obsessed with comedy. You write jokes compulsively. say things compulsively, you work out compulsively, you like compulsively, I think you're compulsive. Okay. If you're not OCD, then my father's not gay. I think where the OCD boys, yeah.

Just different kinds. And neither one of us wash our hands, so that's interesting. Yes. Because people think of OCD as you wash your hands and you whatever. You count everything. Yeah, but I mean, you're doing pull-ups on the street, and I'm drinking the same beverage five times a day with a steep that if it goes too long, I'll throw it in somebody. his face. Good point. You know, it's kind of like

they go, hey, he's a narcissist. I feel like a narcissist is someone who thinks everything's about them, basically. I have that negatively. I walk into a party. I go, they all hate me. That was dumb. That's a form of narcissism also. I know, but it's only the bad. I have none of the good. Right. I have none of the good. Like, everybody loves me. I'm the man. I want everything. Give me everything. I'm like, I don't deserve it. I suck. So it's all about me, but it's only bad. Well, that could be vulnerable narcissism. Whoa! Yeah, that's a kind of

narcissism, which a guy said on stage, I was on stage at Denver Comedy Works, you know, a guy sits on stage with you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes it sound like, I'm at Otto and George, but, like, he's on the thing. The left. And I was talking to a psychiatrist,

and he's like, well, you're a vulnerable narcissist. And I was like, what are you crazy? What are you talking about? I'm a comedian. I'm like, he's like, well, you want attention. I'm like, well, I want attention now. Sure.

Performing. Yes, yes. But every comedian's a narcissist, every news reporter, every Tom Dick and Harry? Weatherman? Come on. Get out of here. Every politician? Oh, shit. You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Bob Villan.

You got that straight. All right. So, yeah, we're a little fucked up. Yeah, we're vulnerable. I know some actual narcissists. And it's one of those ones that people throw around there. They people throw around sociopath, too. I know. Throw that around about you. And I'm like, what are you crazy?

All the time, which it hurts my feelings, which is how you know I'm not a sociopath. That's always my rebuttal. Also, serial killer. Every woman calls every guy's... Oh, look at this guy. He's clearly a serial killer. I'm like, well, then you should report him.

Yeah, I've had that... What are you talking about? I've had that, too. I think I remember someone did a bit like this, but I think there's a couple bits like this. But sometimes I just remember dates, because I'm neurodivergent. But I'm like, hey, we met four months ago today. People were like, whoa, creep. Autistic.

And I'm like, I just remember. I don't get it. What do you want me to do? That's a skill, bitch. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, yeah, you said this and this and this, and your mom's name is that? Well, you remember that? Jeez. I'm like, well, you told me.

Right. And I remembered it. Yes, yes. Why is that creepy? It'd be creepy if I said it while you're putting the kids to bed and I slid out. It was like October 3rd. Yes, exactly. July 3rd.

Hold on. Uh-oh, what is it? Oh, the hot blonde. Oh, I saw the back of the head. Oh, yeah. Hey, suck my dick. Oh. Hey, you know what else is weird when people go, they go, hey, I saw you were in Hawaii on Instagram.

I'm not a creep. I'm like, yeah, I put it on the internet. I put it on a social media app that everyone looks at, and I hope to get followers, and I hope you're all going, I hope I get views, so why would you be a creep? Right. They go, I was stalking your Instagram. You weren't stalking it, and you were looking at it.

Right. Yeah, good point. It's public domain. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's a weird thing about being public and podcasting and all the stuff, because people think they know you, which is weird, and they'll say things about you that you're like, what? Yeah.

Yeah. I just don't care for the pretend. like, oh, you know, not trying to be a creepier, but I saw you were in Puerto Rico. And you're like, I posted it. That's funny. That could be something. I tried it.

It didn't work. Oh, right. That's fair. Oh, I got the other bit working that you said. Oh, Jesus. She scared me. I thought you're going to hit my nuts. I thought about it.

I got the other bit, the Hyundai with the black of Jew and a gay. Oh, is it hitting? It's doing okay, but it's getting better. It's pretty good. Did you say it just like I said? I forgot how you said it. Oh, fuck. And the episode's not out yet.

Playback. Yeah. Good point. Man, I did Royersford last, or whatever it's called now, Soul Joles. It's a Hots Town. Yeah. Dude. I love the roof.

So this is the thing. You always have the memory of just killing. And Lou is there and that guy that wears the eagle shirt and the other guy and Joel's awesome and they treat you nice. It's the best sets of my life. Also, this, fuck, I got so much to vent about. Vent, baby. Back of the head. Last time I was there, I brought Shavone, Andrew Shavone.

who's now a dad and Shavone Bologna congratulations to the Chavones my boys can swim so he brought a camera so in my head I thought

oh they filmed the shows there so now and this is one of the frustrating things about this business and this time we're living in

where previously for most of the time I've been doing comedy you have the set of your life and riffs and crowd work and fucking new bits you drive home

going that was so much fun, what a life, what an artist, what a moment. Here, here. And now you have the best set of your life, you go, I didn't fucking film it. I'm a piece of shit. Why the fuck don't they have a camera? Why don't I have a camera? I'm going to fail. My life sucks. I can't sell a ticket because I didn't bring a fucking camera. And now I'm miserable. No one's going to believe me. Now, yeah, you had a great moment, a great time, and it's all ruined because you didn't film it. Best show of my life. And now, instead of leaving going, that was the best show of my life, I'm leaving going, I ruined my life.

You know what I just realized? We don't do that with fucking. Because sex is also one of these magical, like, enlightening, levitating moment. You know when you have, like, as Tom Rhodes would say, up on one toe sex, where you're just like,

ah! You're screaming, you're wiggling, you're sweating, there's noises. You're making, like, animal noises, and you're like, oh, my God! And you lay there after, you're like, that was incredible. I was like, I was on the moon.

I was on another planet. I don't even know who I was or where I was. You don't film that. You just enjoy it. Right, but I would like to film it. Well, we'd love to film it. Although, if you watch it later, you'd be like, oh my God, look at that face.

Look at my ass. My balls are weird. Lay up the dejorno, you a piece of shit. Yeah, exactly. But I'm just saying, with comedy, you go, oh, I need people to see that with sex. You go, I'm just going to think about that later when I'm shitting. By the way, did you see there was a little meme clip of an old prior bit?

It was a bit I never heard before about the Chinese fucking fast. Oh, yeah. Somebody sent it to me. It is unbelievably funny. Wait a minute. He goes, Chinese, man, he's like, the Chinese fuck fast.

They're like this. He's like, there's 750 million of them. He goes, how do we know that? Do we count them? And he says the N-word. He goes, some N-word being like, one, two, three,

do you get the guy in the red shirt? Now start over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does that. And he goes, black people, we got to catch up, but black people fuck for days. Right. He's like, give me your arm.

All right, put your leg up here. There it is. It's so fucking funny. God damn, he's good. And that's a guy, you can tell, he just said, there's a lot of Chinese people. And he went on stage and talked it out and probably bombed the first time. But then the third time, it was like, they fuck like this, count them, black people fuck.

I mean, I can see that building. That's how they fuck. It sounds like a duck or a chicken. So funny. And anyway, so Potsdam was great. I had this great moment I was talking about. You know, oh, the Phillies, I mistook the Philadelphia of Philly. I was like, that's a horse that's three years old, which is not a female horse,

but three-year-old horses are who's in the Kentucky Derby. Three-year-old? You have to be a three-year-old. Did you know that? I did not know that. Kentucky Derby is made up of horses that are three. That's why you can't win it two years in a row. What?

So you can't be four either. You got to be three. You got to be four. Whoa. I think that's right. How about that? So anyways, a woman goes, yeah, and she started pointing at her shirt, but it was dark. And I was like, do you have a horse on your shirt?

or you show me your tits. I can't tell. And that got a big laugh. And then I was like, so you race horses? And she's like, I jump horses. And I'm like, boy, that's the most silly thing I've ever heard. You jump out of the bushes. You beat up the horse.

And it killed, Jerry. Yeah, that's fun. And you just go, what a clip. Ah, I'm not filming. Ah, you post that on the Kentucky Day. You blow up. Kentucky Derby Day. Yeah, it's true.

Wow. Threeway. I didn't know that. How about that? Well, you learn something every day. A little Philly break your heart? No, it was a girl. Okay.

But yeah, you've been trail. I mean, Tejas to Colorado to Potsdown. That's a lot of moving and shaking. Well, first, I went to New York for a day to record the pods. I was in Austin for five days, flew back, got home at 7 p.m., and then recorded the podcast in the morning, and then went straight from there to the airport to fly to Denver. So I had three time zones in three days. Hey, ha, yeah, hiya.

And then this was fun. Now we dealt with a lot of tragedy that week and the shootings, and then there was a school shooting too that nobody noticed usurped well in Denver by the way the question is the Kirk is on a campus is that a school shooting it's a good question I have a question

well yeah it's kind of like what do you call it the old comedy vault I don't know if you ever did that room in Boston in the alley it was down in the bank vault and which is funny because New England has two bank vault comedy clubs the Providence comedy collection also yes yes but I forget

which school that is oh fuck what's the school where all the comedians went it's like an art school Dennis Leary and Emerson Emerson Oh I didn't know that Dennis Leary Beau Burnham I think Alex settlement There's a few of them Bill Burr as well maybe You went to Emerson

You went to NC State you just told me for a couple of semesters Isn't that weird? I saw a bird the other day How about this? Bill Burr brought like fine cigars from L.A., unique cigars from some place And he's like I'm going to mail you these cigars And I said great And then he texted me he was like

I'm in New York I'm going to a restaurant in your neighborhood. I'll bring them to you. Whoa. So I brought the baby and Sarah over there. He met my boy. He shook hands with Bill Byrd. He gave me some cigars.

How fun is that? He gave you a gift unpromptu. Came to my house and gave me a gift. And I met the wife, too, which is also funny because she's not a public figure. I guess she is kind of. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I know you, but you know, I don't know what you do, but I've seen you. Yeah, yeah.

Anyways, how about that? How about that? Bill Burr and my son are friends. He loves you. Yeah. He loved the movie? Jay Leno went to Embers, yes. Yes.

There was a guy named Alicia Yafi. I don't know if he's around. You ever meet him? He's a funny guy. Yafi. Alicia Yafi. It was a man. What the hell kind of ethnicity is Alicia Yafi?

I assume Jewish or some sort. Oh, that sounds about right. Yafi maybe is, could be the other one, too. Middle East. Yeah. He was white as snow, though. Oh, okay. I bet he writes for something now.

He was very funny. No Bill Burr. Okay. Shit. Maybe he's Boston College. I don't know. I don't know where he went. I thought he went to him.

Oh, but anyways, so the school shooting thing brought up that thought. Emerson College, technically the alley was one of the drinking places in Boston. And there'd be all these fights, but it was technically on campus. So campus, eventually they just bought up all the places because they were like, well, every night we have a fucking street brawl on, quote, campus. Right. Because it was just like Boston jackasses. Oh, yeah. Beating up each other.

And they're like, oh, God, this is campus. So, I don't know. My point is, you make a good point. Well, yeah, yeah. It's a wacky time. And then three cops died yesterday. And then there was a shooting today where a principal got killed. I mean, it's, it's a mayhem.

It's not good. What's the word? We're in Hawk. Oh, but that's what I was going to say. So I landed in Denver. Came in for radio. Oh. I had radio at 6-10 pickup.

Oh! Three radio shows. My alarm goes off at 5.50. I want to kill myself. Hey, Joe, the first show's canceled because everything that happened yesterday. So then there's a moment where you're like, woo-hoo! School shooting! Because the school was like 30 minutes away.

Oh, that's the lady I creeped out with the red hair there. Oh, I see. Feel bad. But, yeah, I was like, it was kind of nice. I mean, school shooting's horrible. It's tragic. But it got me out of morning radio, so I went back to bed for an hour. I mean, I had the same with 9-11.

9-11 happened. I woke up, hung over, and me and my dad were in a real contentious period at that time, because I was drinking and driving. I was fucking up, barely finishing school. And he goes, we got bad news. And I go, ah, shit, did I wrecked the car? Did I fuck mom? Did I eat out my dad?

Whatever. And he goes, look at the TV. And I saw buildings on fire. And I went, woo. Woo! Wee! No school today. I thought I blew up the kitchen or something. Yeah, every once in a while, a big tragedy will really help you out. Yeah, same with a miscarriage. Of course.

You know, people are like, oh, a miscarriage. So sad. I'm like, whew-hmm. Yeah. Really get you out of a bind. You really got me. It's a free of borsh. It's God's a borsh. A borsh belt. But any farts. So what were we saying? Oh, Denver. I feel like I've been talking too much. My throat hurts. My voice is

gay and my father hates me. Well, I just got to say, it's always great to have a fun comedy weekend, but it doesn't make for good pod. I had one of those great, perfect, everything locked in weekends. Well, people email me every day going, what happened to Australia? Did you edit

Australia? Australia. You were in Australia for three weeks. The people were pumped for the stories. All these Australians about the stories. And you told me, you're like, I got nothing. And so you didn't tell them, but now they think you've been silenced. They think the administration got you. I'll tell you. I mean, no FCC here. It was just a great time. Me and Umar went Muslim and killed a do-do and had a great time.

Oh, dodo. Folks, Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Skims. Oh, yeah. Get ready to level up that underwear drawer. I always find it hard to say drawer. Skims launched a line of underwear for the guys so you can look and feel great all season long. They're available in the classic colors. So even if you have no sense of style, you can't mess this one up with briefs, boxer briefs, two different lengths, knit boxers, trunks, and the most comfortable loungeware out there, you will be set for the season. I love skims.

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Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select Tuesdays or stories in the drop-down menu. Shop skims, men's at skims.com. And thank you for supporting the show. to the program. But, so I did Halifax. Nova Scotia?

Yes. How about that? Never been, never thought about it, never cared. New Scotland. Hidden Jim. Yeah, I went to Yarmouth, but I never went to Halifax.

What's Yarmouth? Yarmouth's the neighborhood, the neighboring city there. Oh, okay. It's Halifax and there's Yarmouth. I see. Well, this place was right on the water, lobster, pier,

seven, you know, the whole thing, Rivertown, Ocean Town. Beautiful. Hidden Gem, great people, great architecture. I think it's like the Boston. It's like where the people, the settlers, the pilgrims, the Jews, or whoever showed up. I don't think it was the Jews. Well, they made a, I don't know. I think it must be the Scots because it's New Scotland. I assume, yeah. French and Scottish must be. And there's all these war memorials and you're like, oh, yeah. You guys were in a war? I always think of Canadians. It's like, oh, sorry, hockey. I didn't think they were shooting people. What war were they in?

I think they fought the Brits. Give it a good. I thought they asked nicely. That was the old Colin Quintzog. The only country that got its freedom by asking nicely. That's funny. Well, I talk about this a lot and it never gets a laugh and nobody cares, so I shouldn't say it. But I says about the Canadians, they had the big Canada versus Russia back in 72.

It was the big thing, the two big hockey teams in the block. And, again, you think of Canadians as friendly and manners and like, oh, no, no problem, eh? And the Russians were just annihilating the Canadians. And then the Canadians just started hitting them with their sticks and stuff. Bobby Clark and all these got. They just started beating the fuck out of them and assaulting them with sticks. And the Russians were like, what are you doing to us? Yeah.

So that's like, that's Canadians. Yeah. Deep down, there's like a piece of them that's like, well, we're losing hockey. Let's hit them with our sticks. Well, they get it out on the ice. I feel like they're very nice. They're very sorry. They're very polite.

And on that ice, I mean, remember when they beat America in the hockey last, what was that last year? Every year. When Trump was like, hey, you got to fuck them up. And then they just started fighting within like eight seconds. Oh, right, right, right. That was crazy. I still rewatch those highlights. Those fights were bananas.

That was fun. But I think they... I think they did win, yeah. So, Nova Scotia, two shows, got Anthony DeVito out there. It's like an hour and a half flight. Easy-peasy. Great crowd. They're all doing the...

Thanks for coming here. Nobody comes here. And you're like, no problem. I'll be back every year. We got to all go. I'd love to go. Go to Halifax. Everybody.

Go to Halifax. Killer crowds. Killer venue. Killer city. Halifax Nova Scotia. That's lunch. Love the facts. So then

we go getting a flight called Porter Air. I don't know Porter Air. No one knows Porter. Chris Porter. And we're like, okay, what the hell's Porter Air?

It's like a, it's spirit of Canada. It's a real shitbox, wicker seats, chickens in the back, you know, turn the propeller by hand, one of these. And we get to Ottawa, our flight, whatever.

Ottawa, you think, oh, Ottawa, who gives the fuck? It's the Capitol. Oh, yeah. It's their D.C. Weird. So it's like parliament and all these old Supreme Court and city hall. Beautiful.

Bill looks like Big Ben out there. National Guard, all that stuff. There you go. And the Senators is their team. Right. Which might be the worst name. Well, but it was old school. They brought it back.

The senator? I don't know. What are they going to change abortion laws? We had the Washington senators, too, for a long time. Baseball. I thought we had the Bullets. Well, that was basketball. We had the senators, then the bullets.

and now the nationals. And the capitals? And the Wizards and the Capitals. Yeah. Wait, what's the National? That's a baseball team. What's the wizard? That's a basketball team.

Wizards. Is that still there? Yeah. The bullets became the Wizards. Got it. Got it. Okay. Yeah.

Could be the Grand Wizards. That's not bad. Okay. Well, D.C. It's not great. That's true. That would be like an Indiana team or, you know, Toledo or something. Yeah.

All right. So, Grand Wizard. Ottawa, beautiful city, beautiful day. It's one of these town. It's freezing cold, so when it's sunny out, the whole town is out and about milling, cleafing, jizzing. We go out, me and DeVito, put on sundresses and frolic and hold hands, and we do a full Tyler Moore, Tyler Perry, Mary Tyler Moore. And Stephen Tyler Moore. So I go, all right, the show's at seven.

Venue, boop, boop, boop, boop, southam hall. All right, venues 15 minutes away. We'll get an Uber. So we'll meet down here at 615. We'll be at the venue by 6.30. He goes, great. Most low-maintenance opener on the planet. Oh, Davido's the best.

He's the best. And killer comic. So we meet down. I get the Uber. I'm like, man, why would the manager put us in a hotel so far from the venue? It doesn't make any sense. So we finally get there.

I call the manager, the tour manager, Dustin. And I go, hey, man, I'm outside. I don't see anything. And he goes, I'll drop a pin. You like the pin? I don't hate a pin I have a hard time finding the pen But other people are able to find the pin

So I do a lot of pin dropping Oh you drop with that Well I don't pin drop I location share Is that different? Is that different? Is that different? I think so

I don't know if that's different I don't think so Because the pin stays The location goes with you Oh is that right Yeah sharing my location Wherever my phone goes You can see

Got it Pin is pin it's in the ground I think Pinhead I believe If you drop a pin and then you leave, I go to where the pin is. If you share a location and leave, I go to where you are. Oh, that's good.

The pin is mightier than the sword. Nailed it. Okay. Well, he drops a pin. I click on it. Venue is directly next to the hotel. Now, how does this happen? Well, there's two Southam halls, apparently, in Ottawa.

And they're 15 minutes away from each other? One's on a university, and one is at the National Arts Center. So we were next door to the National Art Center. I got our fat asses in an Uber. all the way over there. We're in the middle of Gisville, and we've got to go all the way back. So he's like, how are you looking? The show's starting.

And I go, ah, we're going to be there in 12 minutes, five minutes, eight minutes. We finally show up. It's like a Fort Knox. We don't know how to get in. The doors are locked. It's one of those that we run around the back. We're on the roof. Careful up there.

Yeah, Dylan Roof. And eventually I call him. I'm like, I don't know where you are. He's like, I'm by the street, go on this side. So I finally find him. I'm on the second floor of this building looking down. It's like a government building. He's like, go down the elevator, go to the parking garage, whatever.

We get in there, finally. DeVito has to run on because we're so late. Run on Hursberg. Yeah. Run on sentence. So he runs on, and it's one of these, we didn't know. This is like the Carnegie Hall of Ottawa. Whoa.

It's beautiful, tiered, glorious, ornate, and DeVito walks on. He's like, holy shit. No sound check or anything? We'd ever do that. I haven't done a sound check in 20 years. Google Image? They don't send you... You need a female tour manager. I guess so. I wouldn't listen to her.

But I don't open anything. Anything by a woman, I don't open. I hear that. Leads. Or legs. But, yeah, so we get there. We're just like, whoa, what the fuck? So DeVito rips it. And then I go on.

It's the set of my life. I'm talking about Charlie Kirk. I couldn't lose them, Jerry. I tried to lose them. They were just so pumped and so Ottawa and so cool. and then we get off stage and the filmer guy's like you ever been to absolute comedy club?

Oh, I keep hearing about that. That's supposed to be the greatest room. I've been hearing about that since I was a boy. Same here. Moody McCarthy sent a letter to me from there and he's like, Dearest Joseph, you must work the club. Right, like a telegram. And John Fish had an album there.

The lore about Absolute Comedy Club is people wouldn't take a tape from there because it was too hot. And they used to book you for two weeks. You'd do like back-to-back weekend. You'd be there for 14 days. Yeah, so I go, I've been here about Absolute for 30 years. It's like the white whale.

Let's do it. So we go to Absolute, and it's just a, they keep saying it's the best club in Canada, and the best club in the whole country. So you're pit, what could it look like? I've never seen it. Is it ornate? Is it glamorous? Is it shiny?

It's like a, just like a club. Like a, I don't want to say rinky dink, but divey, almost. A dive small. What are we talking? One. 150, 180, 220. I'd say full house, 210. It's almost like the olive tree.

Wow. Yeah. That's beautiful. I know. And so you go up these stairs, they're all very nice. And the headliner was nice enough to let me do 10 minutes. Who was it? Go.

Fuck. Shit, I should know the name. He was nominated for the big Grammy in Canada. Canada Grammy. The comedy. Shit. If you look up who was there last week, we can plug it right in. He was super nice, super cool.

Sorry, I blew out. I shouldn't have said anything. It was probably 40 people in there. And it was fun as hell. Great crowd. And then we got the hell out of there and drank. Fun. Great time.

I've never been to Ottawa. I'd like to go to Ottawa. I'd like to do this absolute business. I've been hearing about it since the 70s. You would clean up an absolute. These are comedy nuts. They would love us. Big Tuesdays out there.

Wow, I've got to get up there. I'd like to go, Tommy Pooch. I'm going to hit him up because he'll book something around us. Sends game, the Ottawa Senators. He's so good at booking me around sporting events. You found your manager was a full-on special needs mongoloid goof retard, but boy, your agent, he's good. I like my manager and he's a good man, but my agent is just, he gets me, Jerry.

He's got me work in Miami the weekend of the Miami Open finals. So I'm going to do shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday, go to the men's final on Sunday. hopefully see my boy Alcaraz and try to blow him. He's a hot Spaniard. He really is. He's got the best legs I ever saw. Great bulge and a big old soup cooler.

He's got a mouth like a Doverman. Great Bulge of Fuego. Yeah. Great Bulge ofuego. That's a title. I like it. We lost Rupert. He's trying to find the comic.

We're never going to find him. You can't find. It's so hard to find comedy websites. By the way, I've got no manager right now. So I got to Google my own showtimes. it's crazy how hard it is to find a show time. It's bad news. I'm on the show.

I'm like on the website being like, come see Joe List. He's been on the Tonight Show. Okay, what time? Get tickets. Okay, get tickets. Yes, yes. Tickets are $12.

Okay. Doors open at five. Okay. Two drink minimum. Okay. What time does the show start? I completely agree. I have this with Sam's always like,

fire your manager. You don't need a manager. He has a manager now, by the way. And I'm like, yeah, maybe I will. Maybe I'll save that extra 10%. What am I do? doing? I'm throwing money down the toilet. And then I had a manager, no manager for like a week. My whole life fell apart. I know. And your life's apart with a manager. Every day you're

in a middle seat, wrong flight, wrong hotel, and that's with a manager. Yeah, yeah, wrong baby, wrong life, wrong everything. You need two managers. What the hell is that? Let me see. That guy of the top. The top. Monti Scott? Monti Scott. That's the guy. He was cool. He was funny. Is there a more Canadian name than Monty Scott? That's Sounds, yeah, it sounds very Scottish to me. Montgomery Scott. Oh, yeah, Monty Scott. I'm Montgomery Scott, God damn it.

I like that. Is that good? That's something. I don't know. All right. Sometimes I think I could have been a thespian. I, you can definitely act. I'm Montgomery Scott.

God damn it, you! Give me back my son. That sounds like Alan. Oh, okay. I was going for Harrison. Get off my plane. Oh, yeah. You watch the Emmys?

Yeah. I loved it. I thought the clock with the bank was great. I thought it was beautiful. I had no idea. I don't have my ear to the asshole. By the way, I got a big Nate's story. Or Nate, Bargettze. I don't have my tits to the asshole.

I was like, Nate's great. And then the next day it was like, what a bag of shit. He should die. The reviews are not great. I had no idea. I thought the bit was great. I got to see him the day before. That was fun. Well, this is the thing. Nate Bargatsy is, he's at the top for a reason.

reason for God's sakes. I mean... Talented guy. He's doing Denver Comedy Works, the ball arena, the ball room, ball center with an avalanche play. We went. You and I were to a game. Oh, yeah. I feel like you guys connect a lot randomly.

We do. We were in Nashville at the same time, Vegas at the same time, and Denver at the same time. There you go. And we'll be in New York at the same time. He's doing MSG probably this week when this comes out. Is that right? Three of them, I believe. Yeah.

So he's doing the ball. arena which is nuts and it's one of those things I love Nate old friends and he's got Julian there another old buddy and it's exciting but you also have that thing and I know you know the feeling you know where I'm going with this

you have your weekend on the road you're all sold out yeah like this is going to be fun we're going to get out there we're going to work we're going to write we're going to exercise yes and then hey you know Nate Margatsy's in town you're like gah it's

great, but also you're like, I was looking forward to being the boss and having the opener, and we go and get breakfast, and then we go to the park and get our steps in. I know exactly what you mean. We sit at the coffee shop and write, and then maybe we're sneaking a movie. Yeah. And when someone's in town, it doesn't matter who it is, it could be your best, best friend. Could be you, for God's sakes. It could be your dad.

It could be this party that's like, ah, all right, we'll have to make a plan. We've got to do a big plan. Are we going to meet here? we're going to meet there. We got to go this time. You have that thing. I have this thing. And we all love Nate, but it's going to be his plan. Well, there's no, if you're like... If you're the arena guy, you're going to win. And if you're like, I really want to go to Illegal Peets.

It doesn't matter who it is. They're always like, illegal Peets. Yeah. We'll go to the fucking best steakhouse in the history of Steakhouse. No, I know. The Steakhouse is good. I really like illegal peats. I love it. I love it. Oh, that place is fucking the tops. So anyways, you're excited. Again, it could be Mick Jaggers in town

and he knows what a fan you are. He wants to meet you. You're still like, oh, God, I've got to tell you about the Mick. I know. I want to go to the movies. You got Uber to Mick, find Mick, hang out with Mick. Then you're like, when can I leave? Do I do an hour?

Is it all night? Can I go home? And then you got your show. So you're like, I have my routine. Mick, Mick, McLodeon. I don't know. Stretch. Mickey's Big mouth.

Mickey Dees. I never noticed that. Mickey's Bigmouth was of liquor, but he has a big mouth. I don't know Mickey's Big Mouth. Oh, you don't know Mickey's Big Mouth? It's a 40. No kidding. I've heard of that.

Did you have that? Mickey's Big Mouth. Where are you from again? Jersey? Staten Island. Oh, true New Yorker. By the way, I was driving to Pots Town yesterday. We were driving for one full hour.

I'm like, where are we? And I zoomed it. We're in Staten Island. I'm like, we're still in the city I left. Weird. I went across the Hudson River to Jersey, back across to Staten Island and back across again. It's the Bermuda Triangle.

Oh, traffic is gay, whatever. That's it. Oh, there it is. Big mouth. I never saw that. Big green bottle. It's like a southern thing or something. Yeah.

Anyway, so Nate's in town. He's at the arena. And you also have this thing. It's like, I got five sold-out shows at the best club in the fucking country. Added a show. We had a Sunday show. Love that. So you're feeling off top of the world.

Yes, yes. And then you're like, let's go over to the arena where Nate's doing three. He's doing 45,000 tickets. Wow. So you go over there and... But this is the day? Are you going to open a pre-show? Like, well, you still got your show?

He's got a 3 p.m. Oh, there you go. He's doing a 7 o'clock Friday, a 3 p.m. Saturday, and a 7 p.m. Saturday. Oh, coming to join you, honey. So this one's going to say, to blow Nate a little. He's hosting the Emmys on Sunday. This way you've got to really respect Nate. Yeah.

They offer them the Emmys. Do you want to do the Emmys? Sure. Sure. They go, okay, it's September or whatever day that was, 15th or something. He goes, oh, okay. Well, I'm in Denver Saturday. I'm doing two shows.

And they go, well, you've got to cancel those. You're hosting the Emmys on Sunday. You're not doing Denver on Saturday. And Nate was like, I mean, yes, I am. Yeah. So you've got to respect it. This is a man of the people. He's like, I sold 30,000 tickets.

I'm doing my shows. I'm doing it because those are the fans. The Emmy people, they don't give a shit about him. You think Hannah Angbinder gives a fuck about Bargatsu? Oh, she fucking made me fart. Well, we'll get you to that later. But she made me fart. That's funny a thing to say.

But anyway, yeah, she stinks. But anyways, so Nate's doing two shows at the fucking arena. Yeah. And so we go over there. He's like, come by. They're at the four seasons, him, Julian, Aaron Weber, Justin Smith, and a guy, Johnny W. Do you know that guy? I don't know, W.

I think he's a Nashville guy. Very funny. So they're all over there. Plus, he has Eric the Barber. He's got his two tour managers. He's got two attractive women. I have no idea who they were. They were just there.

They weren't around for him. I don't want to make it seem like he's... Oh, he's like Charlie Sheen. And then they're all getting IVs, too. The IVs, all the rage. You got the IV. He didn't even drink. Well, he's got two shows and the travel to Emmys and vitamin C, whatever.

Boy, oh, boy. So Karen gets IVs all the time, too. She doesn't drink. People want to feel all juiced up or something. HIV. I don't really get it. But so we go in, everyone's hooked up to IVs like it's Vietnam. Yeah, exactly.

It's like a weird sci-fi movie or something. Like, what are we walking into? It's minority report. I think it's nuts, personally. But people seem to like it. It's fun. And the guy doing it's like Jack. He's like in a great, he's like, this is going to make your B12 go up there.

Your asshole is going to be smelly. Your dick's going to be huge. I'm like, maybe I should be getting this. Yeah, and it's always, it's the best way to get health without doing anything. Right. So it's like the best of both worlds because you're like, I'm getting soaked with nutrients and vitamins and chemicals and I'm sitting here.

But then it's like he pulls one out and like it squirts every, it's like he had a thing I was like literally blood just spraying everywhere Luke passed out

he's a Jew he can't handle that and so I got like blood sprayed like a Tarantino movie get the friend a felt pen a black fucking magic marker

a fucking felt pen also oh Rory Scova was there too who lives in Denver I love the scone it was just the greatest guy I might move to Denver I swear to God

good comedy scene I'd put it over Austin it is fucking awesome. It's sunny every day. It's, oh, it's just perfect. Anyway, so we're all hanging out. It's sunny every day here. Look out the window. Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it.

Great film. We hang out, and then it's like that thing where you're like, all right, we're going to go get some food. He's like, you order room service. I'm like, yeah, no, I know, but we're going to go get some food. Well, I got to get some steps. We got a treadmill. Oh, you're fucking treadmill me.

Don't worry about it. I'm going to go shower. We got a shower. I'm like, all right, I'm leaving. So we leave, we go get lunch. I got to call my dad. We got it, dad. So then we go back to the arena for the show. We'll check out the show for a little bit. We'll hang out. We go in there. Everyone's hanging out. He's got three tour buses just lined up. It looks like guns and roses. And we go in, they're watching TV on the big screen.

He's got Eric the Barber, who's the man. And he goes, get a haircut. Go get a haircut, get a shave. I mean, he works. He's on the team. He's like, Might as well get a haircut. Yeah, he's on the clock. I go, I'll go get a haircut. So the show's going to start. I got a haircut. Eric's, Eric, the barber.

He puts the thing on. He's shaving me up, buzzing me, giving me the Nate do, scooping me, scoffing me. And then Luke Monis, he's going to get a haircut next. You better get your money's worth. So I go, great. This is going to be great. That would be fun if you were like, I got to go get a haircut. And he was like, we have a barber.

Oh, yeah. Just another thing you can't leave. Well, it was a beautiful haircut. And Eric rules. So we're doing the thing, clipping it up, scooping it up. Show's about to start. Luke's next. He's in line.

I'm like, all right, you're going to get a haircut. I'm going to get a haircut. Fantastic. My haircut finishes. I'm like, I'm going to go watch the show. Luke gets in the chair. Julie McCullough is hosting. He's already, he hosts the whole show.

He's done a set for 25,000 people. Comes off. Aaron Webber's on stage. He goes, hey, can I jump you in line, Luke? I got to get my beard trimmed up. Whoa, while performing. Is it in between acts? How crazy is this?

Oh, that's too comfortable. What kind of top. see Turvy World, because I'm always, when I host a show, well, Sesh, I've left people on stage, because that happens, you forget. You're hanging out, and all of a sudden, and I'm like, if you leave someone on stage, he's on the stage in front of 25,000 people. Yeah, that's insane. And just a neck trim. So he's

getting all trimmed up, and Luke is like, I've been waiting for half an hour, but I guess I'm not on the show. Yeah. It's a free haircut. You can't complain on a free haircut. That's true. And he's working. You're not working yet. Exactly. So Luke's like, all right, so I'll just stay in here. Yeah, never got a haircut bumped. He got haircut bumped. How about that? H-HCB.

So, I think I had my dick when I was in high school. So Julian goes back out. All right, Luke, you're in. Let's get your haircut. So he starts getting his haircut. They shave the side of number two, a number one, 69, whatever. Number two. Julian brings in the next comic.

He comes back. He's like, hey, let me get my mustache. My mustache feels long. And I get my mustache. I'm going to do the pubes next? What are we doing here? And Luke thinks he's joking. So Luke's like, ah, that's a good bit.

Because Julian's a jokester. Sure, sure, funny guy. Yeah. So he goes, oh, that. That's funny. And he goes, no, no, seriously, I've got to get my mustache shaved. So Luke's like, okay, so Luke's got half a head shaved, Hitler mustache, a monocle, he's got, you know, his hairs and bows. Mohawk.

Yeah, that foam, whatever, tinfoil shit on. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's got, you know, big tails. So he has to get up. His beard's fucking half. He's got shaving cream on his face. So now every time Julian goes back out in front of 15,000 people, he's got a new trip. Oh, my God.

I'm like, we're like through the looking glass. is crazy. This is too much. He's abusing the barber, I feel. So I'm in the I'm not on stage. I'm on the floor of the arena going, where the fuck is Luke? All he had to do was get a haircut. So I go back. I'm like, what the hell's going on? He's like, I got bumps

three times here. Oh my God. And he's got all the shit on his face. And I'm like, what are you doing? You're missing the whole show? He's like, I'm trying to get my fucking haircut. I'm like, all right, sorry. That's great. So I go back out. I watch Nate come out. And Nate has the video. You know how like Shane has that big video? Nate's got the big video. Like a little

promo. Yeah, and it starts with Nate. He's like 20 years old. He's like, I'm Italian, but I'm not. He's like a kid. He's got the glasses. Crowds going nuts. That's great. He got him in an interview. He's like, I'd really like to be a successful comedian, and it shows him like growing. The music's building.

The crowd's going nuts. He's hosting the fucking Emmys tomorrow. He's all dressed in his thing, and I'm swooped up. He's swooped up. He's swooped up. He's swooped. This is crazy. Crazy. Eric the Barber. He goes on. The place is going absolutely nuts. He's killed.

He's talking about the Emmys. He's doing the bits. I get to hear all the bits the day before. And I'm like, you're going to kill. This is amazing. Wow. So then I'm watching Nate. I watched Nate for about 10 minutes.

Now it's 4.30. We have a 7 o'clock show. We haven't showered. Luke finally pops out looking fresh as a daisy. And he's like, all right, I missed what's going on. I'm like, we have to go. That's what's going on. Yeah.

He missed every single second of the show. Poor guy. Because he was getting haircut bumped. Damn. Didn't see a second. Did he look all right? Hey, wasn't that great? Like Forrest Gump.

Oh, well, hats off, literally, to the barber because it ain't easy to cut a haircut again. You know, like, if you're in the zone cutting a head, you got it down. But if a guy steps out and steps back in, that's a whole different animal. That's a good point. And he's got to cut a dog, a lizard, a cat. He cut everyone's hair. There was most moments, too, I'm like, do I tip? And Nate's like, he's on salary.

You don't have to tip him. It's fine. I was like, great. But then you're like this. How much money is he making? You know when you're like, should I give that guy a tip? And they're like, he doesn't need a tip. You're like, whoa.

He's making more than us. I'll tell you that. So anyways, it was awesome. Then we went back to our shows that we had two sold out shows that were insane. I mean, Depp Comedy Works is just fucking nuts. In the words of Pete Holmes, that audience is a, what do you call that clear cut cocaine? No, not clear cut. Pure?

No. Ah, shit. What do you say when you see things? You know, pure... Raw, uncut! Uncut jam! Uncut jams! I think it's raw, uncut, coke. Raw uncut coke.

It's just gold killer. There's no bad. It's just all good. There's no stepped on or, you know, baby laxative in there. It's just hot. Yeah, they were... It was amazing. It was fucking awesome.

And then they treat you so nice. They're such big fans, meet and greet. and the guy Oh, I forget his name I'm so bad with names He sold my merch for me And he's going to Skank Fad It was just fucking awesome

You don't want to go home You want to go home And that condo is amazing We had the best time We went out to a Columbine too Which I'd never been Oh, that's a weird little day trip Very, very religious town

It was like an outdoor sermon going on Like by the grace of God You must combine And I am black God You're like Jesus Christ Yeah where's your go now literally yakes but yes that was that was neat are you you tell me something that i feel like i'm talking too much that's shave story that can be a bit maybe that feels like a you you could

think about you i think luke can have it he needs the material it's not his style though yeah maybe not all right all right i think you'd take it but um so you mentioned having your your weekend ruin with a shoehorn thrown in no i don't want to say ruin it was great it was great you got to adjust Adjustment, yes. So I've been just having these great road weekends. We're humming. Things are cooking. Now this weekend I'm doing Alabama.

Oh, niller. Huntsville, NASA, Von Braun, the big Nazi. Oh. You know him, he moved to Nashville, or he moved to Huntsville after the war to work on rockets. He was like the genius Nazi scientist. And then they were like, we'll kill you. Or you go to Alabama. Yeah.

He was like, ooh, it's close. I don't know if I would call him the big Nazi. I think Hitler lays claim to the big Nazi. Well, middle Nazi, medium Nazi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's diet Nazi. There you go. Good drink.

Because there's gerbils and Himmler and Hitler. Yeah, there's Himler and Hitler. Oh, yeah. Those are close. Yeah. Him and hit. Him and hit. So, yeah, Diet Nazi.

Not selling, but you're like, all right, whatever. next night is Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Wow. Now, Hattiesburg is hour, half, two hour from New Orleans. So I got a lot of Nola cats driving in. This includes every asshole I went to high school with, every jerk off went to college with, every cousin, nephew, incest partner, you name it.

And my parents are coming to Hattiesburg. Now I'm getting pulled in every which way because I got, we hired one of my friends to be the bodega guy down south. Bodega cat. Ah. The liquor. So he's in charge of that. So he's like, oh, you're coming down here. I got to get you to sign 8 million bottles.

We're going to do 8 million videos. We're going to do 8 million things because I got you for a second. Right. And I'm like, I don't want to do 8 million things. I got a show. So I'm like, all right, so he's pulled me one way. Then all my jerk off drinking high school people in college people are like, we are doing shots.

We're renting a goat. We're fucking it in the ass. And we're filming it. And we're drinking our faces off. And I'm like, well, I can't. really do that because my parents are coming. My parents want to go out to dinner, and my mom is so manipulative.

She's like, how about this? You don't want to fly out of Hattiesburg, shitty airport. Why don't we drive you to New Orleans? You sleep at our house, and then when you go to fly out of New Orleans. That's not bad. It's not bad, but now I got to get in a car with my parents, drive for two hours, sleep at their shitbox house, and then drive from their little suburb town

back to the New Orleans airport. It's a lot. It's a to-do. It's a whole to-do, and you just want to have your hot show and your cocktail and your feet up and you jerk off watching storage wars. Yeah, you don't, you don't, you don't. To-do to-d-d-d-d-d-tie-d-d-dard. Stinky-dew. Flat-tire.

Fat-tire, great beer. Uh-huh. And my nickname for Rupert. But, yeah, so this weekend's going to, I'm just going to, like, go rape victim, go to a special place, get through it, and hopefully it's over. Oh, that's this weekend. Yeah. Oh, I was confused. I thought this happened.

No, I was excited to see what happened. It's coming up, but I'm like, hey, great, we got two hot theater shows going back down south, but now everybody you know is up your ass and you can't enjoy it. Well, there's nothing worse than a hometown gig. It really is not. It really is not anything worse. I told you I filmed the Comedy Central half hour in Boston because that's where they filmed them. Yeah.

And I was on stage. I can just see 14 members of my family like this. Oh. And then afterwards, you just filmed your half hour special, and it's like, my uncle and aunt did getting divorced, my brother and sister are fucking, I'm like, it's horrible. Like a manager and umpire. Well, you didn't pay for the trap?

And I'm like, this guy's, I did it. I know. And then my cousin's like, can I use your shitter? You got a hotel, right? I got to take a fucking dump. And I'm like, oh, my Christ. And the show is like 13th on the lip. My parents don't want to see my show, but they're like, you're here.

So we're going to fuck in the ass. But they don't see the show. but the show, to me, the show is number one. But they don't see it that way, you know. Plus, you're dressed and they're like, where do we park? I know, I know. What time do you go on? Yeah.

Oh, my Christ, Christmas. Look, but they charged me for the shrimp. You're like, I don't know. I don't care about shrimp, but so that's going to be a nightmare. And I can just, you know, they'll do a thing where my friend will be like, I'll finish the show, I'll get right off stage, my phone rings. Where are you? I'm in the green room.

I just walked off stage. You saw me walk off. And he's like, what are you doing? I got to sell merch. I got to sign some shit. I got to pick up my check. And he's like, all right, well, we're going to the bar. And I go, okay, great.

Five minutes later, we're at the bar. Where are you? I'm like, I'm still here. I'm avoiding you is what I'm doing. But they think, like, oh, we'll go see your show. That means you have to hang out with us. Right. But I just want to do the show.

Well, sometimes, too, there's like, this feeling, too. We're in the alley waiting for you. Oh, the alley. Now I'm like, I got my old parents just sitting like, a Boston Alley. They're going to get fucking Batmaned out there. And so I'm having a banana and kissing my wife. I'm like, I got to get out there because I got a bunch.

My parents are just living with the street people out there. I know. Also, you just told jokes for an hour. You were on your feet tap dancing. You're sweating. You're like a black comic with a rag. And you want to sit for a minute. But they're like, let's go.

Yeah. I'm like, let me just sit for a minute. Yeah, give me a minute. Give me a minute. That's all I'm asking. What did they do that with like Cirque de Soleil? You know, your cousin comes to see at Cirque de Soleil, you're dressed like a cat and a gay mouse, and then he's like, all right, we're at yard birds. Where are you?

And you're like, I'm dressed as a gay cat. Give me a second. And you're like, I just had both my heels tied around the back of my ass swinging from a hook. I'm wearing a fake tail in high heels and a cock ring. Give me one second to take a dump and a smile. But enough about my honeymoon, folks. You'll get it. Yeah.

So that's happening this weekend, so I'll report back. Yeah, I can't wait. Just trying to get through it. Now, how about this? How much time do we have left? Do I have a time to tell a tale? Yeah, yeah, you got like 10.50 minutes. Oh, wait, wait, wait, that much?

It just hit an hour and I was rolling to three minutes before like you got. Oh, yeah, we chatted up top quite a bit. Wait, just hit an hour. It's 59 minutes. But we recorded all that horse shit up front. Just a little bit. That was maybe three minutes, I think. Three minutes audio and like 13 video.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Wait, the video was rolling on all that stuff. Christ on Christmas. But no audio. All right. But the camera picks up some audio. Because we really... Soda had a great point. He's like, that's all comedians. That's how comedians warm up for podcasts. We're just like, who do you hate? Right, right. Like, fuck that piece of shit. That guy can blow me. By the way, I saw Soter do the Bill Burr in Riyadh. That was brilliant.

He's very funny guy. Funny guy. Speaking of warming up, man. I've been watching season four a curb on the Delta, flights. Now I'm finished, so I'm bummed, but how funny? I fucking burst it out laughing. I very rarely L-O-L on a plane, but when it's like the final episode and

Schwimmer and Larry are doing the thing. They're doing the producers and Larry's like, you want to walk over there? And Swimmer's like, we have an hour and a half. He's like, I'm doing some stretches. He goes, do you warm up? Larry goes, warm up. Warm up. I'm just making a mockery of acting.

He's like, I'm going to do, I'm going to do warm up at all? Warm up? Larry's like, I'm going to walk out. I don't know. I'm going to say the things. Oh, I love the Pirates Booty. I mean, there's some great stuff. The Ben Stiller, sit in the back seat.

Oh, the beginning. Stiller is just amazing. It also has the episode of, somebody got a sponge. I don't understand. When are you going to sponge? That's like one of the great lines. It blew my mind when I saw that. Survivor.

Warm up. All right, well, I'll just say this real quick. So I'm back in Denver. So, you know, the people know, they think of a creep fucking rapist or something. But I bleep the R word. Would you make a note? He didn't make a note. They didn't make a note.

Yeah, yeah. They think I'm a whack job. Who's they? What are you talking about? The people on the Internet, because, you know, I've reconnected with my former girlfriend out in Cleveland. Oh, the big B word. Yeah. Beechakka.

Yeah. Bekeleca hi. Mechahini, ho. Well, so now we're friends again. And her brother lives in Denver. He's a huge Tuesday game. Oh, her whole family's coming out. The whole family's in Denver.

So they're coming to the show. Oh, better than your family. Better than my family. But now this is a whole new thing. Right. Because now I got my ex-girlfriend's mother, family friends, and brother coming. And so I'm married with kids, but you still want to be up there killing. Of course.

Well, I'd say, do you? You're not married to this broad. You're not facing Becca. Well, you do you, but you still want it to go well. Of course, of course, yeah. So I went out and bought a leather suit, backless, you know, biker gloves. These fagas are looking at my ass. And then I'm like, just a real fan.

Woo, woo, woo, woo. So, you know, I'm like, I got healed boots and, you know, spikes down my ass. Yeah, rhinestones, flat top. Like a rhinestone cow girl. So I had to really bring the heat, but I felt nervous because you're like, You want to nail it, be killed, because you can't have your, you know, ex-in-law people. The one that got away. Go up and be like, boy, he sucks.

Yeah, yeah. That sucked ass. And you want their parents to go, you should have married that guy. He fucking crushed. Of course. I want everyone to feel that way. Sure. He was strangers.

We should have married that boy with the socks at. Right. But anyway, so it went great. Then you got to meet him afterwards. And I told this story on Sotter's podcast, so apologize. for the repeat, but I go to do a meet-and-greet. They come to the meet-and-greet,

and her neighbor, friend, goes, last time I saw you, this is so humiliating and cringy. She's like, the last time I saw you, you were eating a box of blue box craft mac and cheese out of the pot

with a PBR in my back seat. Wow. Now these people... What an image. These are class people. They're from the high-end Denver. They're like wealthy people. Yeah.

And my first time meeting the family. I'm such a white trash, neurodivergent, homosexual piece of shit. Yeah, that's like a white trash photo. Literally. B.B.R. Box of Mac. Pot. You got the pot.

I'm eating it out of the pot. And also it's her mother's fan. Like, they're having, it's Christmas time, too. They're having a dinner. I just didn't eat the dinner. I brought my own mac cheese and cooked it. What the fuck? Like they all ate dinner, whatever, turkey and jizz. And I just sat there

like, I don't like that. I don't like that. I picture you with a coonskin hat and a stick with a bag on it. It's so humiliating. I was like laying in bed. My wife is like dying. Sarah's like, that's so funny. And I'm like, cringe. I want to kill myself.

Why did you have the pot? Why did you have a beer in the car? Because I'm a piece of shit. You brought a beer for the road? I had a, I shut up with a six pack of PBR and mac and cheese. So they ate, they literally ate a family dinner. And I just sat there being like, I'm good. I got my mac and cheese.

Oh, my God. And they live in like a fancy town. You know, they like, they're neighbors with Joe Sackick and John Elway. Wow. And I have a hole in my jeans, leather jacket, literally, and wire rim glasses. And I'm eating mac and cheese like, oh, look at this. This is crazy. You all got big houses right here.

Yeah. I mean, literally, they're like, do you want a glass of wine? No, no, no. I got PBI. I'm all good. Oh, my God. That's wild. How did you not know that was crazy?

You're not a dumb guy? Well, here's the thing. This is what happened. When I met this woman, I met her at Caroline, she was with her mom, and they were drunk, they got drunk. And so I got drunk with them, and they were like, woo, but I didn't realize this is like her one night every five years getting drunk. So I thought like, oh, she's like my mom. Ah, got it. So when I went there, we had met one time, and we were fun, and we partied, and I was the comedian guy drinking.

So I thought, I'll continue to be the comedian guy drinking. And I was like, PBR, Mrs. B? And she's like, what? And so I must have left, and they must have been like, break up with this man, this guy's a piece of shit, he's got a hole in his pants, he's got crooked teeth. Not to mention the teeth, my God, the teeth. Didn't want to bring up the teeth. And I appreciate it. And so they must have been just, you know, December 26th, they must have been like, you got to break up with them by New Year's Eve with disowning you.

Oh, man. But just, oh, man, it's Mickey. I mean, to have somebody see you after the show and you're feeling great. and be like, remember the mac and cheese in the PBR? And you're like, yeah, yeah, remember the mac and cheese in the BBR. At least they're over it and you flipped them, Jerry. Yeah, they all were very nice, very sweet. And her brother's the man.

And she sent me a nice text. They all loved the show. You're great. We're proud of you. So it's all's well that ends well. But you're like, God, what a bag of farts. And I really thought that was kind of funny and charming. And it's who I am.

You try to be yourself. Yes, yes. I like to eat craft mac and cheese. I don't like vegetables at the time. Right. And I like PBR. And at least you brought your own shit. You weren't like, I'm not eating this horse shit.

You still brought something. Yeah, I wasn't like, go get me some mac and cheese. Yeah, exactly. So that's nice. Go get a rack of PBR. But she must have been, the girlfriend must have been like. Probably, yeah. But we were young.

Yeah. Neurodivergent. I'm going with neurodivergent. Well, I just, we have a neighbor. We have a neighbor over here, and they're like high-end, well-to-do French. They speak all these languages. Their kids wear cardigans and have combed hair. My kids, you know, wearing a shirt that says queef, a onesie.

Right. Shit in his ass. And I bring them over there, and it's like they have all these beautiful setups with cupcakes and all this shit and fruit and whatever. And they have a lady doing, like, petting stuff. The lady brought a bunny and a turtle. So they really went all out It's like a kid's first birthday or something

So I brought my kid He's like trying to fuck the turtle and all this And I don't I'm wearing sweatpants I'm wearing the flip flops I'm like it's the neighbor Of course It's an easy commute

I'll walk right over And everybody's dressed in nine Blazers and slick hair And I'm trying to be foxy Because I'm the comedian Right So one of the guy goes Oh you live right here

There's a lot of cool stuff at Barclays And he goes Yeah well a lot of cool stuff And the WNBA And he was like Not bad. What do you mean? I was like, well, I'm just, you know, WNBA plays.

I was like, man, you know, I did that thing where you double down because you're kind of bombing. So you're like, I'll go harder. That'll get them. Harder in the paint. Yeah. And I was like, you know, W&B, whenever they got a game here, this is just flooded with lesbos down the street. I mean, looks like fucking Lilith Fair out there. And I, the record goes, and I see the whole audience of like, who invited this chooch?

Like, where do you, where'd you come from? A trailer park? And I'm like, no, I'm the neighbor. I share a wall with these. Right. Oh, boy. It doesn't go away. It's still in there. Yeah, of course. Yeah, you always feel like a bag of turds, but what can you do? Yeah, what can you do?

Well, we're neurodivergent. Yes, we got to get a shirt that says that, just so I don't have to, like, surprise people anymore. Right. Find out quick enough. Right on the shirt. Yeah, neurodivergent sounds cool. It sounds like you can, like, travel through space. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like we can see through a wall or something. Turn on the... Nordifurgeant. I don't know. Big Heil. Oh, boy. Yeah. So...

The big Nazi. Yeah, so... I guess we're white trash to the core. But I bet they saw you and we're like, boy, he's really grown. I think so. Yeah, I think they were like... I think that was like, you know, it was like dog whistle politics. I think there was dog whistle texting.

What does that mean? What do you mean? Dog whistle texting. Well, you know, dog whistle politics is like... And you say, like, we're going to make America great again. The dog whistle is like, less blacks. Oh. That's not my interpretation.

I'm saying that's what people mean by that. The subtext. Yes, it's got to be like the good old days. I see. Like, if you run a stump speech in Alabama and you say, we're going to make it like those great old days here in Alabama, people, what do you call that, perceive that as being like, we're going to get the whites back on top.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's certainly plenty of other ways to do. do it. I'm just using this example. Don't at me. I don't care. I'm telling you. But, so the text is like, you've really grown. It's them dog whistly being like, you were a bag of shit.

We're relieved. You're not in their lives anymore. Yes, yes. Well, it's sobriety, therapy, the teeth. Yeah. And so a lot of fixes. Big fix. The warts. Warts.

I don't know if they knew about that one. Oh, they knew. All right. She knew. okay yeah she had her hands all over that I don't know if the brother knew we're getting the sign from Rupert that's time to wrap it up that's another episode

Big Rube you got spots tonight tonight? No I got nothing tonight finally a night off my week I came straight back from Austin to New York for a day to Denver came home and went straight to Royers for or Bots Town

and then Tuesday had something crazy too I can't remember the fuck I can't remember what day Tuesday was it's all a blur about I'm up down, I'm left, I'm right. I did the DMV all day today. It's my birthday, and I did spend the DMV. Is that adulthood or what? That's brutal.

Today's your birthday? Today. Happy birthday. Hey, Marzeltah. 42. Wow, 42bular. Yeah, that's, I think Jackie Robinson's numb. Oh, yeah.

They retired it, which doesn't make any sense for everybody. Nobody can wear it. It's silly. But who's the 42nd Prez? Forty-second Prez was. Obama? No, I think Clinton. George W.

W. was 43, wasn't he? Pretty sure. Yeah, George W. was 43. Okay. So Clinton was 42. I just somehow completely spent. Remember what I did Tuesday night, I'll tell it on the next episode. I went to Vampire Weekend.

Isabel Hagan's in the band. What? Got me VIP tickets. Me and Matt Wayne. And her husband, Will, is the fucking man. He's like the keyboard player. He's insane. He plays off his ass.

It's crazy. You tell me on Luke's haircut. You got Vampire Weekend tickets. I know VIP. We met the band. We were backstage. What? Isabel's on the fucking

Our parents were there It was nuts It was like the best night of my life This is how fucked up You get when you have a job And a child I'm like what did I do two days ago I'm like oh I was backstage

Meeting a rock band What a wacky life Crazy Anyways a bunch of dates coming up I don't know when this fucking comes out Irvine Any idea? I'm going to Saudi Arabia

Oslo Helsinki Dublin and what's the one in Frankfurter? Sweden. Sweden. Sweden.

Stockholm. Stockholm. I've been there. There you go. Stockholm syndrome. What? So wait, your wife left town

on your birthday? Yeah, you really used it. I got a lot out of that. A lot of mileage out of that one. She didn't realize it. She booked the tickets. And then she was like,

wait, oh my God. And I said, I'm crushed. I can't believe. you do this to me, you fucking bitch, I'll kill you, you fat whore. So she just went on a trip with your son

on your birthday? Yeah, I don't think she's coming back. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. She's neurodivergent. It was just an honest mistake, but yeah, I really, I got some mileage out of it. All right, hell yeah. Well, so Irvine, October 2nd

through the 4th Irvine Improv. And I can't remember what the fuck is this? I can't remember Where my other dates I gotta kill myself Something's wrong with me

Oh New Brunswick I know I'm doing Stress Factory New Brunswick November 6th through the 8th 8th through the 10th Whatever that first weekend is New Jersey Stress Factory

Come by Good club And I'll get you on the list The movie Tom Dusted Portrait of a comedian Is fucking killer I can't believe I'll tell you the numbers

It's crazy I can't wait And I just want to give a shout out To every single person and that commented and was like, why would anyone want to see

this movie? He's not going to make any money back. Really? You're incorrect. Wow. I'll just say that.

Well, we've got a lot of fucking horrible people that don't like us. But way more that do. And it's been

unbelievable and touching and wonderful, so keep buying it, keep watching it. And we're making a Skankfest movie. Check out the dates.

Punchuplive. com, please. Get on the Patreon. We're about to record one. Here, here. I'm tired We're queer

We got a bonus to do And yeah We'll see you in hell Thanks a lot Cleaf it up Get on the Patreon I'm gay And

Gobody Comey