Tuesdays with Stories! - #625 Male Man

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

Mark has a hard time in Huntsville and Hattiesburg! Joe goes to see Vampire Weekend starring… Isabel Hagen! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   -  Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month Shopify trial at https://www.shopify.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get 20% off Raycon Everyday Earbuds Classic. Head to https://www.raycon.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Use code TUESDAYS at https://www.bluechew.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't you... Hey, hey, folks, here we are. Hey, hey, we're the monkeys. I was about to say that. We don't monkey around. People say we monkey around. We're too busy singing.

To put anybody down. Which is trying to be friendly. Too loud? Back of the USSR. I don't know the rest of it. That was a great line in dumb and dumber. Underrated line in dumb and dumber. Perhaps the most underrated line.

And he goes, they got the monkeys. There are big infills on the Beatles. And then he goes, I know. He confirms it. That's great. That's funny, folks. We're here. We got a new producer who doesn't know how to produce, but man, is he fun.

And he brought a chicken palm. What a minch. The fat man himself, Big Sal, Sal, Sal, Sall accused, the coos himself is here on the ones and twos. What is going on with Chuck? This is the problem with Chuck. I don't listen. So he's like, all right, I'm gone for the next three weeks because I got the big project. And I'm like, congrats on the big project.

And then he goes into details. And then he's like, I got to send you a clip of this. He sends me a clip. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck this is. No idea. He's working on Star Trek, I think, or Back to the Future 8? Who knows? But God bless him.

Keep on working, Chuck. You got to pay the bills. And this is all working out for us. So he sent Rupert, but then Rupert cave through the first floor. We had to spend $30,000 repairing that. I would believe it's a sinkhole. Sink hole through the stink hole. So now we got Salick.

who brought a chicken barn the size of my fibula. What a mention. I mean, who does that? Unbelievable. I mean, I made a joke. You said, should I bring something? What did you say?

It was like a joke. I should have said, pussy, and booze. Yeah, exactly. I'll find the text. I said, tomorrow's going to be fun as hell. And you said, want me to prep anything? I wrote chicken parm. I thought you meant prep, like, questions or whatever.

So the joke was, food you're like Ron Burgundy you have to do whatever's on the text yeah if somebody was like thousand dollars you have to $1,000 on the line is Matt going to show up with the chicken farm or not I would have said I'll put $2,000 on not

because that would be psychotic yeah and when you walked in you had a big bag and I go what's that? You're like chicken farm like what's that for? I didn't even realize because it was clearly a goof well anyways yeah exactly like you said next time I'm going to ask for a fucking laptop

yeah I mean you ate them What kind of goof is that? You guys ate the arms. I'll eat anything you bring. Come. Of course I'm going to eat it. It is my favorite food, but it was a bit. It's like if someone says,

hey, do you want me to bring you anything? And you say, yeah, yeah, a fucking three-layer birthday cake. And then you show up with a three-layer birthday cake. Yeah. Is that a thing? Three-layer? Seven-layer. What's that mean?

It's a dip, which is seven-layer. What do you call three levels? Yeah, tear? Tier! Yeah, for fear. Tier. People say you're retarded, but I don't see it. All right. I'm getting better. I think you're all right. Three tier.

Three tier. Here, here. Three tiers for old Notre Dame. Wake up the... All right, so we're recording back-to-back episodes. Not in the same day, but pretty soon. Yeah, yeah. You're going to join Al-Qaeda. You got that right.

Can you say that? Not there. Oh, boy. I think they might love you if you do that. You can crowd surf. Oh, that's true. I've been saying praise Allah for the past 40 years. Maybe that's why you're booked. Maybe that's a, you know, Tim E.D., he got axed, he got decapitated, and he still got the deposit. He got axed.

He's off the fest. How come? Too many jokes. Wow. Yeah. Let me ask you a question. Yeah, because half the money, and you don't have to do the gig, that's pretty good. His deposit is more than my check.

So he got off, he pulled the best gay Yahoo on the planet. Wow. He dressed like a Sikh and destroy and did a bunch of noises and movements, and now he's off the fest, and he still gets the deposit. But how do they know there's not a fatwa on him? Well, he is a fatwa. Yeah, because I think it's a fatwa. Fatwa, but, you know, he's fat. But they could kill him.

That's what I said. I was talking to a friend who's doing it, and I'm like, you know, what if it's a big ruse and they get you all in one place? They're like, we've killed your clowns. Oh, my God. And they're killing some good ones. Bill Burke, Kevin Hart, Louis. Yeah, so watch out, but especially if you're fucking around too much, now that you're fired. That's a good point.

Well, he better stay off the roof shows, if you know what I mean. They'll throw that gay right onto the pavement. Luckily, he's tough to pick up. He's got some heft on him. Yeah, he's a large fat wa. There he is, see, with the tiger and everything. Oh, so he did a big thing, and then they got rid of him. Yeah, good for him.

That's funny. He doesn't need the money. So he gets to stay here and get paid and doesn't have to go anywhere. Pretty well done. But we'll see if he gets his hands cut off. But I'd be nervous. Yeah, they could chop him right up. Feed me to the poor.

Departed? Chop you up and feed me to the poor? Yeah, we should have on the departed last week, but it's fun to shit on. Oh, yeah, a lot of silly lines. Well, anyway, so we're doing back-to-back episodes. I have very little for this one. Tomorrow I'm going to be fresh out, empty. Yeah, the well is damp.

It's going to be dry tomorrow. but I got a couple of nuggets. All right, well, Denver Nuggets. Chicken Nuggets. Is that Spike Lee? I'm not even joking. I think Spike Lee is walking by. Holy hell, he's looking on hard times.

That looks like Spike. That's tall Spike. I heard his movie is the biggest bag of shit of all time. And it flopped a roo. Well, everything flops now. But also, do we talk about this? I'm all fucked up because we've recorded episodes. It's good to see it.

Kevin Bacon and Kira Wedwick. He can't go to Sally. Oh, the bacon. There you go. You're aching? Yep, yep, yep. Awesome bacon. Lion King.

I like it. They did a talking face. Like, if you go to Kevin Bacon's Instagram, it's like him and his wife, and she's like crying, it's like so Hollywood. She's like, what a film? They're in front of the poster.

She's like, the choices they made. Oh, yeah, you did tell you. Just beautiful. Did I say this on air? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. Sedgwick, great cans, underrated cans. Oh, boy.

It's all right. It's worth repeat. I mean, He lives a half a block away. Kevin Bacon? Spike. Oh, Spike. Well, I can't repeat.

They're not kind to repeats these people. No, no. We ever got dementia. We'd be fucked. I think we might have it. That's true. Dimition it. Looking forward to senility.

Wait, wait, so yeah, the movie bomb, but everything's going to bomb. Like, the new PTA they spent 200 mil on, it's going to make 40 back. Like, what, they haven't learned yet? Well, I don't know how to, no one knows how to make money, but my My friend, our friend, Danny Frankel over at Punch Up, he keeps saying to me, he's like, you should be pitching. You figured it out. Because Portrait of a comedian, we made our money back. Whoa.

We're in the black or the red. Which one's good? We're in the black out here. Black is good? We? Red is bad. We made our money back? Oh, he didn't spend any money.

He had to fly there. I spent the money. I didn't. I spent my own money. Oh. No, no, no. This is the kind of thing that will make me take my shoes off, put them on my hands, and stomp you out like a spider.

I tried to pay you. You said, I don't want money, don't need money, don't want to eat. And then, now you're going to use it against me three years later? And with a farm. How fuck is that? Grown on trees. I had to pay for two chicken farms today. The worst kind of person.

The worst kind of behavior. Do a solid and then bring it up years later. Wow. I spent $30,000 and was happy to pay you. And you said, hey, don't pay me. And I said, what are you crazy? You're the greatest guy. I can't believe it.

Footage is out of focus. You're like Bouchemy and Billy Madison. You've got a list. You put on lipstick and then you cross out. He owes me $38 with that chicken parm. He owes me $50 for the Key West trip. What am I supposed to do, roll up the cash and slip it in your pocket when you're not looking? I asked you if you wanted money, you say you don't want money.

By the way, we're doing the Skagfest, Doc. I go, what can I get you for? You know, keep in mind, small budget. He quotes me, you should see the numbers. You can fall over. we talking? Four figures a day? Oh, wait, what happened? True. You changed. I did $7.50 a day, which is standard for a camera guys.

Factor in the hotel and the flights. $1,000 a day. You know what? It's like, it's a wonderful life when he's like, all right, everyone, just take what we can get, because I'm dying over here. I'm about to lose my fucking house in business. And there's the one guy that's like, I want everybody. Yeah. And he's like, come on, hit me straight. And then the black lady comes in. She's like, give me five cents. And he kisses around the lips, which I think you can get executed for. Back then for sure. Yeah, and the future, we'll see.

Every black woman in the 20s was fat. Oh, yeah, good point. You know, those numbers aren't proven all that much from the window of the view over here. Diabetes. We're kidding, you look great. But anyway, so yeah, he's half my budget for the next film. He's busted my balls for the last film. But when you think about it, if you pay him for this one, you're getting half off.

That's not bad. Uh-huh. That's one way to look at it. That's true. But also, cameramen don't make their money back. You get paid for the service. Yeah, you're not a producer. You're not a, well, you're an associate producer.

But you're not a, you know what I mean, you're not an investor. Yeah. Look at his face. Like he's getting one over. You ask for no money. Well, maybe you're thinking, hey, I'll ask for no money in the early days. And then once you rehire me, now we're getting paid. He had no money to make the first one.

I didn't want to take any money. I thought he's going to lose money on the project. So I was like, I'm not going to take it. Everyone thought I was going to lose money. but you know what? Daydream believer. Also a monkey's son. There you go.

Last drain to Clarksville. Ah, okay. Well. Snarksville. Maybe you're paying for this one and everybody wins. I am paying them. I'm paying it a $900 a day. So you agreed.

Should I not have? Maybe I should have countered. Get Chuck. Oh, God. We got Chuck. We got a hell of a crew. If you like middle age, balding white guys with bad posture, you're going to love this film. Oh, yeah.

I love this crew anyways. Yeah. You're going to love our whole friend group. It's going to be fun. But, yeah, we got Chuck. We got Lex, who's been shot. Oh, yeah, that's right. Salacuse, who carries Mace, and Chuck, who's gay.

All doughy. Shelby was pretty lean. Shelby, he can't get to New Orleans. What are you crazy? That's true. We have to fold them up and put him in a bag like a stowaway. I'm in a military coffin. But yeah, all right.

Well, I can't wait to see the movie, and I can't wait for Skankfist. That's going to be a hoot. It's right around the anal. I know. We haven't booked any. Whatever. I don't want to get to that. But we'll get it figured out. You're going to be right in there, right? Oh, yeah. Well, I'm missing. I'm there Saturday, Sunday. I'm missing Friday because of a gig. You and Soter always miss it.

I get there every week or every year, but it's the one day. One day, yeah. So I'm getting two. And it's my hometown. I don't need to go back. That'll be fun. Are you staying down there or are you staying away? I'm staying down there. I'm not even telling my parents about it. Good idea. I got a whole parental chunk on here, Faddy, that'll really chip your scrotum. Oh, yeah, because you predicted. what it would be like with the parrots.

Good T's. So hit us with it. Well, I mean, we've got to start from the start here. Please. First things first. So they fuck. Yeah. So then they meet. They fuck.

I was an aborted, but I've made it through. No. So first off, going to Saudi Arabia to join ISIS. Then got to get a new passport. Expired. And I said, well, while I'm going to the DMV, I might as well get the real ID, dog. Yeah, that sounds. Yeah, it sounds like a hip-hop guy.

Yeah, I'm the real ID. I'm the real ID, as you can see. You know me. Something, something, something, N-word again. Yeah. So I go down to the DMV. Now, I look on ChatGB anal, and it says, hey, you've got to have a passport, you've got to have a Social Security card,

you've got to have some identification, and a letter of proof of residence. That's how they get you. So I sift through, find a little bank statement. All right, we're back. I go to the DMV. I wait two hours. By the way, D.A.

Appointment only now. Yes. I had to do this recently, yeah. So it's a whole different ballgame. So I show up and the lady's like, what's your appointment to the guy in front of me? And I was like, oh, I don't have an appointment. So I see on the wall it says make an appointment. I made one right then.

Oh, that's good. Quick. Made the appointment. Got in. Wait two hours. They send you to the photo. You got a photo. Passport photo.

They send you here. I got to get that. Finally get to the window. Ladies, very nice. She was African-American persuasion, heavy set, as we mentioned before. Uh-oh. Recordings over. Oh, God.

Chuck blew it. We heard the wrong guy. So get up to the window. She goes, you got the proof of residence? Yeah, I got the passport. Yeah, you got the bad, blah, yeah. You got a W-2? I go, I don't have a W-2.

She goes, you got to have a W-2. And I go, what are you talking about? Chat-GBT doesn't say that. She goes, I don't know. No, Chad-GBT. you need a W-2 and I go I got one on my phone

I pull one up quick She goes Hey all right Need a print it I go can you print it She goes We can't print it But go down to UPS

Down there They'll print it out And come right back And I was like Do I have to wait in line again I've been here two hours She's like no you don't have to wait in line I look at my phone

It's 445 PM They closed 5 Yes I'll never make it So I had to go back The next day But I got it

It's in the mail It's coming Okay But the DVD really is hell and it's fascinating because you see every form of humanity. You got the Hasidic Jew, you got the hot Puerto Rican chick, you got the fat black lady, you got the ghetto guy, you got the white guy in the suit, you got the little girl, it's everything.

Yeah, it's really something else. It's like speed, the bus. Well, the bus is very diverse in speed. Oh, yeah, that's true. I guess, right? Sort of. Oh, God, Salicus is pulling it up. Well, they had camera. I'm saying, you know, you got Cameron Fry, you got like a Muslim woman, you got a deaf guy, a Latino guy.

I don't know if he was deaf, but you got a fat old lady, you got a little bit of everything in there, right? Yeah, a lot of Muslim women of the DMV, by the way, and I watched him take the photo because they have to lift. Oh, wow, it's like girls go wild. Yeah, exactly, exactly. And so I was like peeking in, and you can tell one of the husbands was like trying to box me out. I'm like, I'm looking. So I got a nice peek at old Akbar. What was I going to say?

Oh, I had to do this recently, and I have to say it was quite pleasant for me. What? Although I got turned down for the real ID because I was missing a piece of paper because I still have a Massachusetts license. I never switched. So now I have to do the opposite. I have to prove I'm still in Massachusetts, but I'm not. Right.

So all my papers say New York. So I showed up with a birth certificate and a $20 bill and my first headshot. Sure. I get out of here. wait but I have a passport card so I don't have a real ID but I have the passport and the lady skinny black lady was like oh she's like sugar you don't need no real idea if you got your passport and I said all right well I got my passport and she said oh get the fuck out of here motherfucker okay great that worked out she was very friendly yeah but I had the appointment it was very

little weight really absolutely you went downtown no I'm telling you this is Massachusetts this is in Brockton Massachusetts that's a good one yeah by the way the whole every count it's like 25 windows, all black women. Yeah, I think that's a black lady job. It's a black lady job. Yeah, I think so. Nothing against it. Just black lady job. It's a BLJ. Where's the diversity, by the way? Good point. Oh, shit.

And then you go to the, I go to the mail house. What do you call that? The post office. No, it's a gay bar. The mail house. Ah, yes. The post office, that's all white. Where I'm at. Really? Well, that was a story. I haven't been to the mail house in a while down the town. Okay. Male man, post office.

Male man. Redundant. You see, this is how you got to the top. Male man. That's big. A male man. A female woman.

Yes, exactly. You hear about a male man. You don't hear about a female woman. What's the deal with that? What about a tom boy? It's already Tom. We know it's a boy. This is better than anything you got.

We're cooking. We called Jerry. So, yeah. I did that, but. Got all the good stuff. Now, here's the meat. Hopefully we get some meat, for God sakes. Sorry, that went nowhere.

There's a lot of salad. That's salad, goose. Salad goose. Toss salad. And scrambled eggs. So now we get the big weekend that I've been dreading for six months and a half. I'm taping a special this weekend. Hey.

So I feel like the weekend before was like. You're going to go through a little hell. Then it'll be good on the other side. Sure. Now, this is a good lesson in just gritting your teeth and bearing it when you have to. Grit and bear it. Grit and bear it. So it's Hutsville Friday.

Massa. Alabama. Hattiesburg Saturday. Now, Huntsville, that's a tough market. Oh, yeah. That is a deep Alabama. You've got to take two flights. And it's a bunch of redneck good old boys mixed with the.

NASA autistic engineers mixed with like southern black folk. It's a tough room. Yeah, I've done it a few times and you know, we're like special event people which means they don't give away free tickets and you really find out about yourself and you go to Huntsville and it's a special event. You ain't lying.

It wasn't all that special. No. It was a special needs event. There was like 14 retards of me. Yeah, that's my demo. So I get to the airport, me and Sean Murphy by opener and I go, we've got to get a rental car because we're driving to Hattiesburg. So we get to the rental place that have you had this enterprise she goes license okay uh whatever okay credit

card proof of insurance and i go oh prove insurance geico i just threw one out there that's what i do oh really yeah and then she goes all right what's your claim number and i go i don't know six and she was like i never heard this in my life yeah and i go and she goes what no what seriously what's going on here what's your insurance you got an insurance card. I'm like, I've never been asked this. And she goes, you got to have insurance. And I go, I'll take it without insurance. And she goes, well, what's going to happen? I go, I'll pay for it. She goes, no, no, we can't give you a car without insurance. Have you ever heard of this? Well, you got to pay for their insurance, but no, you have the option to say, fuck you, I don't want any insurance.

Yeah, I always do that. I always, I've never had them ask for a claim number. They say, do you want insurance? And I say, no, I have my own car insurance. She says, what company? And I say Geico, and then she goes, and that's it. That's it. And I rent a car. And I rent a car. almost every single week. Well, I think she could tell, I was like, Geico? Right. So that she was like, what's the number? Maybe that.

So I couldn't rent the car. You don't have car insurance? No, I'm riding dirty. Oh, boy. Hell yeah. Don't get we started on break tags. But, so Sean had to pick up the reservation. He had to get the car.

Wow. I mean, I've never heard of that in my entire life. Maybe she didn't like your look, the cut of your jib. I get that. Or maybe she knows your comedy. Yeah, that's fair. because I've never heard of that. Literally, as long as they write down,

their ass is covered. Exactly. Because then even if you don't have insurance, then when you wreck the car, they go, okay, well, your insurance cover. And you go, I don't have insurance. I was just kidding. And they go, all right, well, you owe $75 million.

Exactly. Fuck your mother and call it a love story. Yeah. I should have done my mailman bit for. Either way. So we get the car. We start driving. We go straight to the theater

because it's a six-hour drive from Huntsville to Haddysburg. So we're going to break it up. up. Okay. So we get no hotel in Huntsville. We go to the show, and 7 o'clock, it's like the National Art Center of Huntsville. We don't sell it out. Tough market.

So we go, all right, let's just try to have fun here, knock it out. Here we go. Sean walks out. A guy in the front row starts going, quiff, quif, quiff, quiff, quiff, quit, just like that. Like, he wouldn't stop. And Sean, you know, he's walking to the mic and there's music playing, so he's like, okay, buddy, got it, assuming he'll stop. He grabs my, hey everybody, here we are, good to be here. Quif, quif, quif, quif, quif, quif. And he's like, okay, sir, we got it. Let me just

start the show here. He won't stop. So I go up to the sound booth guy, go throw him out. You know the guy with the headset on the side of the stage? There's always one guy. I go, throw him out, throw him out. This is crazy. Sounds like this guy's mother took a couple of Tylenol when she was pregnant. Yeah, exactly. Antipistamine? Sedaminophen. Cetamidapin. Thank you. Antistamine.

Yeah, that's Benadryl. So I go throw him out. They go, all right, all right, hold on. And you got, like, secure. It's a big theater, so there's security, like, sitting on the edge of the stage, which I always found off-putting. There's, like, three guys just sitting, staring at the crowd like this. Seriously? What are you, a rock band?

Wow. That's for, like, crowd surfing. They send him back. You don't need that a comedy show. I've seen them. They're in the theaters a lot. They just sit on the edge of the stage, like, monitoring. and now you have to stare at some black guy not laughing

like four inches away from you that's crazy it's horrible I thought that was just like Metallica and it was for the pit if they tried to come up they got it out there wow you gotta tell them you're in charge you say hey go sit over there you fat fucking sad fuck

I don't want to yell at the help so uh so I go throw them out and go all right we're on it we're on it oh Robbie Billy Scotty get down there and throw out the guy so I'm like god damn so the guy stops and then Sean goes into his act but you can tell he's sweating he's talking fat they're not really picking up his vibe

whatever he has a bit about drag queens I didn't care for but whatever so I'm walking I do my thing where I pace behind the curtain that's my move sure I listen to the show listen to the crowd I'm on the stage but not on the stage no one can see me so I come back five minutes later to the headset guy and I go

how to go do you throw him out and he put up a fight and they go we never threw him out and I go what do you talk about I said throw him out he goes we couldn't find him You couldn't find the guy in the front row yelling queef over and over So they never threw the guy out So, but he stopped

So I'm like, all right, fuck it So Sean goes short Because the crowd's tough Brings me up Chatty, talky, whatever And the whole time You can't pause Because you're worried this guy's gonna start screaming

It's the worst It's like I always use the analogy Oh, Sarah's analogy originally I always steal it from her It's like when you're counting money And someone's going 31, 49, 79, 75 Yes, yes, yes, exactly. You, motherfucker.

Great analogy. Thank you. My life is nice. Yes. So, that was brutal. And then you hate to be this guy, but you're like, I'm a Southern man. I'm from the great state of Louisiana. Damn, the South can be, I felt like the Blues Brothers with the chicken wire.

Chicken wire. Yeah, just getting glass thrown at me. I'm like, all right, buddy. It's a bunch of good old boys with pots and pans. and the slot, what do you call that thing? The washboard. The washboard. The spoons.

So that was a tough, tough show. And then we did the meet and greet after, which is always a treat where they go, fuck those guys, we liked it. Those guys were crazy. We're cool. I know that guy. He's my brother.

He's a little off, whatever. So Sean gets a DM. We're driving to Haddysburg. Sean gets a DM from a guy going, I'm at the bar with the Kweef guy. He's in a headlock and he's about to get tased. Come on. He was in a blackout or something.

Oh, that's fantastic. I know. I would have turned around to go check it out. I thought about it, but it was a win. Headlock is such a classic move. You just have him down here. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes.

So that was Huntsville. So then we hit the highway. Can I tell a quick story? It reminds me a Henry. One of Henry's great story. Henry Phillips, who's got the best comedy stories. He's got doing the same thing. Guy heckling.

He's like, hey, can we? get that guy throw it to the opener? He's like, can we throw that guy out? And then, you know, Henry's about to go on stage.

It's like 20 minutes later and he's like, wait, is that the guy? And they're like, yeah. And he's like, I said, you got to throw him out

and they're like, yeah, you didn't want to go. But you're the bouncer. That's your job. You don't want to go. You got to get him out of there. Nobody wants to go.

Nah, I didn't feel like it. He didn't want to. We asked him. He just said no. So you're going to have to deal with that. Magic cops doing that. Hey, Hey, I didn't want to go to jail.

We let them keep wielding the knife. That's what the people want, sometimes. Yeah. I don't want to digress. So, yeah. Now we get a little sleepy because we got a six-hour drive here, and it's 10 at night. Sure. We stop in Birmingham to hit the hay.

Oh, Birmingham. Yeah. Birthplace of Ozzy Osbourne. Oh. Birmingham. That's the U.K. That's the joke. That's the joke.

That's the joke. I'm aware that Ozzy's not from Alabama. Thank you, Matt. Thanks for piping in there. Roy Wood Jr., Birmingham. He is funny. Funny guy. I was driving to a gig.

I had XM radio on. Man, he came on. He is Aces, that guy. Funny cat. He's as funny as it gets. Yeah. Drive to Birmingham, pass out. Get to Hattiesburg the next day.

Now, I got a lot on my plate here. I got every jerk-off high school college buddy coming, because it's two hours. from New Orleans. Oh, boy. Then I got my bodega cat rep. Oh, that's right. Southern wing. Then I got my parents. Oh, boy. Now, my parents, they do this classic move. They go, we're going to meet you before the show. We'll pop in. I know you're busy with your show bullshit. So we'll pop in, we'll pop out, we'll get our seats, and then we'll drive back to New Orleans. And I go, I appreciate it. Thank you. It'll be good to see you. I can't wait. I pull up to

Badisburg at the Sanger Theater at like 405 p.m. Okay. I see my parents walking around shaking the doors of the Sanger. They're like trying to get in.

Oh my God. It's 405! They go, we'll pop in for a minute. It's 405. The show isn't for like three hours plus. Oh, Jesus. So I'm like, ah. And your first instinct is like,

fuck it, let's get out of here. Yeah, yeah, roll the windows. Yeah, yeah. Put them with the car. So, but, you know, it's your parents So you're like, Mom, hey, Mom! And she's like, oh, hey, we got here a little early. We don't know what to do.

Do you want to get, our plan was to do the show, get dinner, drive home. I picture them with big cable cutters trying to get in there. My dad's doing this one. You know, in the window. And so they go, you still want to eat after? And I'm like, yeah, we'll eat after. And she goes, we want to eat now. And I go, all right, we'll eat now.

So me and her and my dad go to a shrimp shack, we get some food, and then they don't know where. They have nowhere to go. So I go, you want to sit in the green room for a while? And they're like, well, sit in the green for a little while, and then we'll get out of your hair. We know it's a big show. So what they're going to do, just walk around? I don't know what their plan was. You dad's at those big shoes.

Big, clunky, orthopedic shoes. So, an pocket protector, by the way, which is something I thought was only in the movies. Wow. Eight pens. What's all the writing? What are you doing? What does he Seinfeld pretends to be? So got him in the green room.

I whip out the veggie tray. They love the veggie tray. Got to love the veggie tray. Big fan of the carrots. We love the carrots. Okay. So then shows at seven. So I go, I got a shower.

You know, because I shower in the dressing room. And they go, yeah, shower. We'll get out of your hair. Now it's, you know, 545. They sat there. from 545 to 6.59 p.m. Shows at 7. Never got a break, never left. And the bodega guy's like, I got you, you got to sign some bottles.

We've got to shoot some videos. We've got to get some photos of you holding the bottle. So all this is going on. And my parents are like, how much is that retail? And my friend's like, I don't know, 40 bucks. They're like, God damn, 40 bucks. That's crazy. Who's whiskey is this? And I'm like, it's my whiskey. And they're like, you have a whiskey, so it's just the whole thing.

And is Murphy sitting there this whole time? Sitting there the whole time? Does he talk to him? No. Oh, that's a bad opener. Bad friend. Well, he's a good guy, but he's just like. Well, of course he's a good guy, but come on, Murf.

I know. I needed some buffer. Oh, yeah. Murphy should be pulling his thumbs off and doing card tricks and asking him to tell the story of the whole life. We could have used you, Faddy. I would have really had them. I had eight plates spinning, the bodega, the signing, my mom, my dad, the butler.

brutal. So meanwhile, all this is going on, door kicks open. Eight drunk retards and polo shirts. It's all my college buddies. They come in. They go, whew! Where's the booze? Where's the hookers? They get me in a headlock. My dad's yelling, quiff, quiff, quiff. My mom's getting raped. It's a whole thing. Murphy's like, what was a crazy night? I think I'm going to go in my dressing room. He leaves. So I'm just like, go. So no shower, no nothing, and then $6.59, they finally leave, so you're like, I'm going to look at my notes for eight seconds, maybe trying to write a bit about Alabama. So are they going into the showroom? They're watching the show? They finally go into the seats.

Wow. And I hope they're in the back somewhere. I hope so, too. So I tell my friend, my drunk college buddy, I go, are you sitting near them? He goes, yeah, I think I'm literally next to your parents. I go, watch what they laugh at. I'm just curious. Just give me like a review later, what they like, what they didn't like.

blah, blah, blah. And he goes, no problem. Sits next to him. Full hour. I do a full hour. My new hour that I'm taping. And I see him after, and I go, give me the goods. He goes, your parents didn't laugh once. And you brought up Charlie Kirk at the end, and your

dad goes, don't do it. That's the only thing he said. That's pretty good. That's the only thing that was spoken or uttered. Wow. Cow utter. Boy. Well, maybe they were tired. At that point, they've been there for hours, you know, their butts hurt.

They probably had to piss. Yeah, they had a mouthful of veggie tray. They had a lot going on. Oh, boy. Hey, folks, two of the stories brought you by Raycon. It's Raycon's anniversary, and they are celebrating by making their everyday earbuds classics 20% off. Wow, reliable, super comfortable, and portable.

These have been a fan favorites since day one. The everyday earbuds, classics are packed with upgrades like active noise cancellation, multi-point connectivity and ergonomic fit. It actually stays put no matter what you're up to. We love Racon. I listen at the gym. I listen in bed. I listen when I run.

They don't even fall out and I sweat all over them. They're good. They sound crisp. They fit that ear snug with new colors like Bush, Violet, and Mint, along with their classic carbon black. No matter your style, Raycon has got something for you. Over 3 million customers already love Racon. And your purchase comes with a 30-day happy-day.

is guarantee. If you don't love them, for any reason, returns are easy. There's nothing to lose and amazing sound quality to gain. Go to buy raycon.com slash Tuesdays to get 20% off everyday earbuds classic. That's B-U-Y-R-A-C-O-N.com slash Tuesdays. With the next Tuesdays, for 20% off everyday earbuds classics. Hey, hey, folks. Tuesdays are stories brought you by Shopify, chiching. Are you stressed about taking your business from an idea into a reality, make them to wait easier with Shopify.

Shopify is the commerce platform behind billions of businesses, along with 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. Shopify gives you beautiful, ready-to-go website templates, enhances your product images, sell to write copies, and can even generate discount codes for you. It couldn't be easier to get started, and if you get stuck, they've got award-winning 24-7 customer support.

We're dumb. They make it easy. We sell shirts. We sell mugs. We sell stickers. We sell all kinds of stuff. And Shopify helps. We don't know what the hell we're doing, but they do.

Shopify even helps you find and maintain customers with their email and social media campaigns with Shopify. You're living on easy mode. Turn those dreams into a reality and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up now for your $1 per month trial and start selling today. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Hey, hey, folks, Tuesdays are brought to buy Blue Chew.

You know we love the Blue Chew. The biggest dig in the world won't do any good if you can't get it hard. That's what I always say. No matter what you're downstairs is packing, make it rock solid with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. They've even got tablets that taste like mint You can take them any time of day And the whole process takes place online

No more waste in time at your doctor's office This stuff is amazing I always say you know back when I was a kid Old people would go back in my day We had to walk eight miles up hill to the snow Well I always say back in my day We had to suffer with a non-boner in front of a woman And just have to eat our way out of it

Uh Love Blue Chew Get Blue Chew and get ready to become an absolute legend. And we've got a special deal for our listeners, as always. Get your first month of Bluetooth free. Wow. Just use promo code Tuesdays at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it.

Join Blue Choo's mission to upgrade. If you mad at one thrust at a time, head to Bluotchu.com. First details and safety info. And big thanks to Blu for sponsoring the show. Now let's get back to the program. So, what are you going to do? So now my friends are like, they don't want to sit through an hour and a half comedy show of me.

They just want to party. Right. So they're like, we got a boathouse out here. My friend lives on a lake. We got 18 cases, two goats and a virgin. Let's get over there. And I go, I can't. I got to drive back to New Orleans with the mom and pop.

Now, my parents are getting old, so their driving isn't great. Sure. So I go, let me drive. So there's a fight there. Oh, you had a drink. I'm like, I had one drink, which is better than you're driving any day. Right. So my dad goes, all right, but don't speed.

And I go, no problem. So the speed limit is 70. I'm at 69.70 just teetering. And he's watching the speedometer the whole time. And if I hit 71, he was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow it down, Andretti. And I'm like, all right. So that was a long two hours. Now, imagine with his shoes, you'd be doing a buck 80 the whole time.

That's true. He's got 40-pound shoes. It's a heavy foot. Literally, lead feet. Literally. You notice the shoes. Oh, I noticed the shoes. He looked like Gene Simmons at the wedding.

I know. He's Frankenstein. Yeah. My dad's David Bowie over here. But, yeah, just that 10 and 2, 70, 71, you know, hit the break, trying to drive clean the whole way. You know what you got to do? You got to do cruise control. I thought about that.

And then put your foot on his lap. There he is with the limp wrist. Oh, he looks amazing right there. That is a great photo. Look at that photo. Is that you, Salacus? I think Chuck took that. That is spectacular.

That is really something. Yeah. That's a damn good photo. You got some real pearls at the wedding. That was the best weekend of my whole life. The batch of the party and your wedding, I cannot wait to do them both again. Should be three, four years. Very excited.

Those were two of the great weekends of my whole life. Ooh. Hey, appreciate it. Hey, who bet you. I had a great time. Remember that last dinner at the bachelor party? That was a really special. We made it at home.

we had the big long table. I mean, I don't, yeah, it was spectacular. And one guy was missing. It was beautiful. Very good time. Yeah, love that Thai food. So, uh, even the Rosa was fun. De Rosa was amazing.

We were trying to get him to light a fart on fire. He'd never done it before. He's like 49. He's like, can you really light a fart on fire? He's Hungarian or what the fuck he is? He's all furry, Egyptian, Egypt, Hungary, same place. They're right across the street from each other. He's adopted.

They didn't want him. He was, that was fucking glorious. We had the fire, and then I had to fly out and do Rogan the next morning, and I'll never get over it. It was awful. What a concept. Hey, party for a weekend, fishing, strippers, food, drugs, beach. Now you and Louis C.K. are going to fly to do Joe Rogan the next day. Two flights on three hours sleep, I was like basically hung over.

My brain was splitting, and that was horrible. Then you have to do the biggest radio show of all time with one of the great comics. Luckily, I didn't have to say anything at all. You got some laughs on that. I listened. Maybe. No, no, it was good. I got a couple of, nobody understood I was trying to be funny.

I was like, I got a piss. Will you guys be okay without me? Like, what are you crazy? That's the rogan way. Of course we will be. Yeah. I can read this, Mark. What do you got?

Just for posterity. What are we later? Just read that for posterity. Oh, you ready for this? What is this? Are you sending texts? No, no. No, no.

This is... It's a tweet from 2018. A tweet from 2018 from the Norm MacDonald, one of the best comedians of all time. When I began stand-up, they were 500 and 5-5 good ones. 500 comics.

There are 5,000 comics and 5 good ones. This says 500. All right. There are now 50,000 and 5 good ones. One is fantastic. Joe List Comedy. He tagged you. Who can be seen

and must be seen on the next. season of stand-ups on Netflix. March 23rd, 2018. How about that? Norm MacDonald. Wow. How's about that?

There's a couple other Joe-list tweets from Norm MacDonald, too, I might add. How do you not have that framed, Joe? No, I don't have it framed. Frame that, put that on a wall. A tweet? What am I got to put it on paper? It's called an, what are they? H-B-P?

What do they call those? H-P? No, what you... H-P-V. Oh, I know what you're talking about. D-M-T, what is that? Yeah, yeah, you sell it. J-Z, DMZ.

F-C-C-C. Well, it's called a... That's not even letters, is it? Oh, maybe it's not a letter. I don't think it's letters. It's called... Oh, maybe it is letters. You know what it is.

You sell it. It's like you take a photo of yours and you sell it as a thing and someone... They try to explain it to me. I don't know what the fuck they're talking. NFT. NFT. NFT.

Yes. I don't... Someone's... NFT and the coin money. What the fuck that's called? Bitcoin. People have sat and explained it to me for 45 minutes. Each time I'm like,

I don't... don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Same here. What about stocks? I don't even get stocks, because they go, you own a share of the company. I'm like, what's a share? Stocks, I kind of get. I mean, you have a piece of the company. Like, I mean, you know, Matt thinks

he has a piece of the movie because he worked on it, but he doesn't. That stock is plummeting. Well, the share, you know, the Dow Jones. Obviously, you know, Dow Jones. He's a cool black guy. And NASDAQ, that's his agent. Ah, the Jew. You know, so they go up and down.

The S&P. I can go up and down. A seesaw goes up and down. I don't know what that means. I own stock and I don't get it. S&P is Spanish and Portuguese. That's what you've got to know. So it goes up and then it goes down, but it always goes up again.

Syndrome. Okay. That's the thing. So the money... So it does go up again. Oh, it goes up, baby. It's all a long line. If you look at it, it goes up and down, but then keeps going up.

I know that. All right, all right. Well, I own some, and you own some. I got some. So hopefully it goes up and we cash out like a poker game. Yeah, because if it goes down, people want to get out. But then if you get out, you're not there when it gets back in. Yeah, but you've got to get out eventually or else you're just leaving it until you die and then you don't have any money.

Well, you kids get it. I don't know. I just did my taxes and I got to do all the stuff, the retirement, the tax, the other tax. It's always a bummer because you're like, because we don't have a jobs where it just takes it out of your thing. Exactly. At the end of the year, they're like, you owe him $400,000. you owe him $700,000, you owe your mother $800,000.

That's not a payment. That's a Jack. New Jack City. Chris Rock. Oh. We're in a New Jack City shirt. That's crazy. You sure are.

Boy, we will throw out some references. Now, may I just say that was very nice? I'm touched, Norm. What the hell does that have to do with anything we're talking about over here? I have no idea. We're driving out to New Orleans

with your father and his wacky shoes. It was a low point in the show. I just thought I'd bring it in. Bluff. You're a low point in the show. This is a low point, all right. Bring back Shelby. I love Shelby.

You know what it is? Chuck, here's a big metaphor. Chuck is George W. Bush. You think he's a war-mongering, retards, piece of shit. You hope he dies. You march to get rid of him. Then you bring in Salacus. You're like, give me back, Bush.

I want W. Those were good times. He could paint. He threw a baseball. He had a cowboy hat. He was charming. Boy, that 9-11 was fine with the megaphone and the eagle flying in. He threw a strike.

That's my kind of guy. Hell yeah. Fool me once. You're not going to get fooled again. I watch this drive. I don't watch this drive. The shoe duck. I mean, those were great times. I haven't seen a slip like that since my dad at Walmart.

Oh, yeah, those shoes. Banana peel. You slip on a banana peel. I got it. Yeah, right. Yeah, so. But the whole. whole time, it was just the longest night of my life

where you're like, this green room couldn't be worse. Then you're like, I just got to get through this hour set. They're staring at me, they're not laughing, got to get through the hour. Then it's like, got to get through the car ride. Then it was like, all right, wake up. They're going to drive me to the airport. Does your mom do this? My mom drove me to the airport the next

day. We leave four hours early. And she goes, this is her time to just trash my dad. Oh, that's nice. That's fun. It's fun to think about it. That's what May does, you know? Oh, of She drives someone to the airport just so she can be like, Mark's a piece of shit, he's got a tiny dick,

his ears are weird, his act stinks, his face is gay, his ass is fat. Then someone sends me the episode. I listen to it. But no, my mother does not drive me to the airport, but she'll criticize my dad a little bit, but not too much. So what do you do? A Uber

from Whitman? Well, I never fly out of Boston. That's the thing. It's so close to New York. I'm always driving or taking the Amtrak. I guess they would drive me to the Amtrak. Okay. But it would dead. My dad would do the driving, it would be dead silent. And you go, hey, how about those Mets? A little bit, I try, and I'll work the radio

dial a little bit. I'll try. Oh, how about this sucks? Yep. All right. He's one of those. Yeah. He'll do this a lot. Scooby-boop, boop. He doesn't say words. He goes like, Scoot-a-Doo. Sarah has a story. She walked in one time. We were cooking marshmallows. This is out up in Maine.

And she got like marshmallow all over. And she walked in. He was washing the dishes. And so they're the only two in there. And he's like, she's like, Steve, I'm covered in marshmallows crazy. And he just didn't respond. He's like a ghost. Yeah. He looks and's like, that's so funny.

Our parents are so similar. My mom doesn't respond. May told her this long story, but I just got molested and eating out. And my mom was like, I think I should wear a jacket tonight? Is it going to be cold out? And I may look to be like, I'm bombing here. And I was like, welcome to my childhood. Yeah, it's rough.

Sarah's mother's the same way. She's British. And I said one time, I'm like, you have great style, great taste. Everything is so well designed. And she looked at me, literally looked at me, a beat, and then left the room. What is that? Because I'm worried. You go, hey, you got a great style.

I go, whoa, mama. Hey, thank you. I overdo it. Right, right. Yeah, you got to say something. I don't know. It's just, it's crazy. And I'm so conscious of it now.

Anyone says anything. I'm like, whoa, hey. I just started making noises at the very least. And if someone doesn't, you always go, nothing, nothing on that? Right, right. Which I guess is like a, hey, hey, don't put me through this. Right. Hello.

Any words. Yeah. So, yeah, I got back, and I'll tell you, I got back to the airport in New Orleans, hit that lounge. Murphy's in there. Never been more glorious a feeling. Oh, yeah. Just being like, ah, I did it. And look, my parents are good eggs.

They're great people. But you know what it is? The stand-up portion of our life is I feel precious. We honed it. We worked on it. So when you spoil that, it sucks. Right. You can ruin my Thanksgiving.

You can ruin my first virginity loss. You can ruin my graduation. Don't fuck with stand-up. Yeah. No, I know what you mean. It is because it brings that fucking, this different world in there. And you're like, I needed this. Yeah, this is my safe gay mailman.

Right. Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah, it's tough. Because family, it's like the Kastanza, it's like two worlds colliding. You need separation, separate but equal or church and state. Yeah. What hell does that mean? Separation. Segregation?

I don't know. That's different, right? Segregation's different. That's better. Yeah, those are good times. Okay. But yeah, so did it. And this weekend, it's glorious.

We've got some sold-out shows. Going to shoot a special. Sally's coming. Where is it again? Boulder, Colorado. That's right. We sold a bunch of shows there, so we said, fuck it, let's do it there.

But I'm a little nervous because everybody's like, watch out, Faddy. They are crunchy. I'm talking armpit hair. Right. Even their armpit hair is blue. So we'll see. No, that'll be great.

It's a theater. Yeah. What's that? What are we talking? I think like 11 hun. Okay, nice. Yeah, like a Wilbur. That's going to be hell hell hell la nice.

Is that what the kids say? be lunch and how many shows you do it three okay yeah yeah filming all three oh yeah that's beautiful that's perfect yes thank you it's gonna be fantastic who's uh who's on the digits the ones and twos uh i got a guy named jordan levy he's good he's good i know levy same initials that's right absolutely so yeah that'll be fun ari it was one of these ari pushes ars you got to get levy i'm like all right all right last time somebody pushed a uh filmer on me well we won't get into it It was Salacus. Oh, boy.

And I haven't been able to get rid of them. I know. You got all your clingers. Oh. The Norman clingers. Big cling. We call them. A bunch of clingons everywhere.

They look like clingons, if you ask me. Did you ever watch Star Trek? I really wanted to yank that forehead. Didn't you want to yank it? I liked the Christopher Lloyd Klingon, which is excited. That blew my mind. That's the original Klingon. Pull it up.

That's really from a taxi? Yeah, back to the future. What? Not those the Klingon? No, the Vulcans. The Klingons? No, the Klingons? No, the Klingons?

Clingons. Clingons are brown. Yeah, that's Christopher Lloyd. Isn't that Star Trek 3, I think? He's the head guy. What? I had no idea that was Lloyd. How about that?

I think he's the head of Clingon, right? It looks like Salacus. Oh, God. Star Trek 3. Yeah, yeah. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah, Lloyd. Wow.

Because, yeah, and it blew my mind because when I was a kid, my dad was into Star Trek, so we'd watch Star Trek, but obviously I was obsessed with Back to the Future. Sure, sure. And when I found out Klingon was Doc, I shit blood for two months. I never do that, and I'm shitting blood as we speak. All right. I got to put a towel down and get a tampon out of my ass.

I don't understand why you get a towel. But, yeah, Lloyd's good. Oh, yeah. Love Lloyd. We tried to get him in Fourth of July, and he was like, the part's way too small, and I would never do this. And we said, Louis sent him a letter, like, you've got to be in this movie. You're going to be great. It's going to be awesome.

And then when you look at the script, you're like the grandfather says two things. Yeah, that's true. And you're kind of like this. As soon as he says, no, you're like, why the hell do we do that? That was crazy. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. But it was nice, though. Well, the Charlie Sheen doc, he gets out of rehab, and they're throwing scripts at him, you know, and he's back on the scene, and he's like, eh, this is weak, a supporting role. And I remember thinking, like,

this guy, who does this guy think he is? You're a crackhead. You're lucky you're getting any gigs. That's true, but I mean, he was at the top. Platoon. Platoon, Wall Street. Best picture, 86. Major League.

Major League, 89, Wall Street, 87. Yeah, he was a cute little Mexican kid, too. Dial-inil. Yeah, Major League was great. Ricky Vaughn. There's a scene where Denise Richards, his wife, he's banging all these hookers. She walks in, he's got a couple of hookers at the house,

and she goes, oh, my God, and she makes them all sandwiches. How about that? How about what a wife? And then she goes... She's like the Salacus. of wives. Yes, yes, exactly. What a chicken farm, and I'll tell you that. She goes, I'm sorry about my sandwich. They're not

the best sandwiches. And you're like, hey, lady, you just made a hooker a sandwich. You're good. That's unbelievable. I don't care if it's ham and cheese or P.B. and Jay. You're a fucking class act. Well, I remember hearing a story when Charlie Shee, he got like a new girlfriend or something. I can't remember the details. This is probably 20 years ago.

But whoever it was, or maybe it was Denise Richards was like, you can keep 100 porn tapes. And he had to go through it because he had like 50,000 porn tapes. And she's like, all right, we can get married and have a kid or whatever. But, like, you got to cut it down to 100. And he's like, I can't, dude, that's impossible. Wow, that ain't in there. Because he had, like, a

stadium full of porn. Well, he must love the internet. I guess so. You don't even need to have 100. I just need one laptop. But there's another great part where he's got this fat, big crackhead dealer, crack dealer, Mexican guy. He was in and out of prison. And he goes, when I

say, this guy smoked 700 grams of crack a day, This guy smoked 700 grams of correct. I've never seen anyone smoke that much and live. He's like, Charlie Sheen was superhuman. Wow. He's a really fascinating. He gets out of rehab.

His dad picks him up. By the way, his dad's a fucking saint. He just never let up. He always hung in there. Picked him up from rehab. Martin Sheen takes him to a baseball field. Charlie Sheen hits a home run. First shot in front of his dad.

What do you mean? They took him to a baseball field because he used to play baseball as a kid. So, like, he just, who was pitching to him? There was a couple kids out there. And they were Charlie Sheen, holy fuck. And he goes, throw me a ball. Homer. Simpson.

What I mean? Is it a little league feel? He's hitting him off a child. I thought you meant like they put him in the big leagues. It's like Kramer and the karate. I mean, they're throwing him a soft toss and he hits it out of a... It was a regulation field, Jerry. What he means?

It's like the size as a competitor. All right. So it's just a 360 foot to the offense? I'm just saying the guys strung out on crack. He goes to rehab for six months. Hey, no, no. As he lifted a finger, comes out, hits a home run. Well, I think they play in the yard, don't they?

They play stickball out there. Remember Andy Dufrains having the catch with Red? That's true. I mean, look, if he was coming out and getting raped, all right, he can handle it. But this is a fucking full-on home run over the draft. I'll have to see the film Rafters. Michael Rafterport. Back Rafter.

He is so good in Ferris Bueller, too. You know him. I mean, he is just amazing with the knuckle crack. Well, Jennifer Gray does the knuckle crack, but you know what I mean. It's fun. This is big John Hughes film, and then he shows up looking like a piece of shit, and they hire him because he looked like hell. Jennifer Gray got on the gig, and he stayed up all night because he wanted to look fucked up.

Oh, wow. Oh, he's amazing. And then he got all his buzz off the movie. He had like a six-minute part. He's a scene stealer. Yeah. Maybe the problem is you. That was good.

He's great. and then, yeah, Platoon is fun, although a pretty silly film, honestly. Oh, really? Do you think? No. You're giving the face. Okay, Salakus is upset.

You're going to chime in. I mean, the bad guy literally has a scar on his face. He's like, cut. He's like this, you better get over here. Like, the bad guy's so bad. And then Defoe is just dying and so much for like 40 minutes.

He's like, oh. Oh, yeah. It's just going to like, it's silly when you rewatch the goddamn thing, but, you know, it's fun. It's good. But, I mean, having a bad guy literally, like, all, like, snarled up. And then he just shoots his buddy in the middle of the woods, in the middle of Vietnam.

I haven't seen it. Holy shit, okay. But, dude, it's silly. It's fun. Yeah. You got to admit those things I just brought up as silly. That's a little silly. That's a little silly.

Check out the film, though. It's fun. The Doon? The Dock. Oh, the Cheen Dock. Yeah, yeah. Watch the tune. But Emilio Estabez comes off like a choir boy compared to Sheen.

I mean, the hookers, the crack, the blow, the gay sex. He seems like a good boy Estevez. Oh, yeah. I love... Charlie said he spent upwards of $100 million on hookers and blow in his life. Didn't he buy the Bill Buckner Ball? And it turns out it wasn't the Bill Buckner Ball. Is that story in there?

No, but it sounds like him. Yeah, I believe the story, I remember all these old Charlie Sheen stories, but they're not in the dog. bought the ball, the Bill Buckner went through the legs ball, and spent whatever, $500,000, whatever the bullshit. And then Bill Bukter came out and was like, no, he didn't get the ball. I have the ball. That's the story I remember, but I was

10 years old, so this might be wrong. But I think I remember that correctly. Buckner was like, well, you got ripped off because I own the ball. Well, we got a Google box here. Yeah, it says he did buy it, and it was signed by Mookie Wilson. Ooh. And then he bought it for

93,000, and then sold at auction for 418. Is there anything about it being not the ball? No. All right. Well, maybe I got only half the story right. By the way, how long have we been recording? Should we, what we got here?

5.0 minutes. 5.0? Good Lord. There's another scene where him and his dad play Michael Jordan in basketball and beat him. That's crazy. Charlie Sheen and Martin Sheen beat Jordan. Beat Jordan. Two on one? Two on one.

Horse and a shootout or something like that. It's fascinating. I mean, the guy's got a horse shoe up his ass. a crazy son of a bee. Wow. I got to watch this film. What did you say? You said something that made me think of another thing.

What do you say when you see things? Bill Buckner. Before that. Bill Buckner, the ball, the porn. Now look this, this might be a rumor. This is how fun Sheen was. Okay. He loved baseball.

So he rented out a full row, like five rows of seats at a game because he wanted to catch a home run. Oh. So he wouldn't let anyone sit next to him. So there's just a shot of a full game, which. Charlie Sheen alone. Is that real? Waiting for the ball to go. It never went his way.

I mean, the chances are still one in a million if you have the whole stadium to yourself, I feel like. It might be a rumor, but give that a goog. Sometimes people don't homer. All right. Reports to Charlie Sheen renting out bleachers in the past are not corroborated. No co-op. No corrupt. But don't you think even that is a fun thing?

FAP blackly. Even that, oh, she heard me. Even that is fun. that you're the kind of character where there are these rumors about you. Like, no one's ever like, hey, I heard that Sean Murphy fucked three women in a single...

Lifetime? Hey, I just corrected me. In 1996, Charlie Sheen purchased over 2,600 tickets in the left field bleachers at Anahein Stadium. Thank you. Increases chances of catching a home run ball. That's insane.

By the way, 2,600. I was picturing 20. I thought 22. 2600. It is crazy. What? That feels high. He was trying to catch a specific players. Oh, hey, Charlie, specific players.

Oh, that scared the crap out of me. He's trying to catch Seasumfield his home run. Hey, what's shaking? Oh, Charlie, Charger. No, talk. It's all right. This is the young man that kicked a football into a young boy's face. Oh, yeah.

He's in the hospital still. And whose idea was it to kick it over there? That was crazy. Who the hell encouraged that? All right. Who said, we're special teams? I'm not allowed near the child. All right, get that kid out of here.

That kid is aces. He's going straight to the top. Sweet, cute kid. That's one of the best young men I ever met in my last. What do you need? Could you go to Starbucks? I'm not your Chuck. So yeah, check out the doc.

Send Charlie. Yeah, and we're all looking forward to the John Candy. I can't wait for the John Candy. Love candy. Let me throw one thing right at your asshole. Please, see, but it's the walls. These people, they never stopped texting. Now, how about this?

I think you're going to like this. I can't wait. You want some hope. Hope and change. You look hopeless. Hope floats. Great film. So, I never saw it.

But I was, the other day, yesterday, I'm walking with Marty. Now, the child is two years old now. So he's running, jumping, leaping. It's fucking nuts. And we live in like, we live in this, beautiful area for kids with all grass and yards and whatever. But then when you leave, not yard, but you know what I mean.

You leave, you go across the street, the big street, West Street. Now you're in the financial district and the sidewalks are like this, like this, these guys, there's men in suits, there's terrorist attacks, there's all kinds of craziness. Sure, Jews. That's a little scary. We're walking around, he's running around, so you're all like, oh, my God, oh, God, get away, he's jumping off that, he's climbing up this. He's like, jumps in the hole at the World Trade Center monument, he's splashing in the water.

sure he's hanging from the survivor tree it's nuts so then he takes off running across this big long hallway back into the finance area i see building and i go watch where you're going he's like he's like you know he's like 50 feet ahead of me and there's a lady walking head down air pods in plunk plunks into him and i go oh geez buddy you got to watch where you're going meanwhile i'm like what a piece of shit this woman is and she goes beautiful smile hot lady she goes No, no, that's me. I'm so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going.

Million-dollar smile, doves fly out of her asshole. Love it. Peanut butter seeps out of her pussy. She goes, that was totally my fault. I'm not paying attention. I got to pay attention. Yes. That's rare.

That's all I got. I've been love with her. I go, thank you. It's funny because my thank you was like, yes, thank you for acknowledging you're a bag of turds. What did she do? That was wrong? She was just walking, but she was staring at her phone. She's like this, and then just walks into the child.

But I was like, watch where you're going. Like, pretending to talk to him, but really, I'm talking to her. Did she fall? Nah, not fall. Just kind of like a, blah, what, her? But she owned it, Jared. I love the owning. She took it. She owned it.

She was beautiful. She had an Elaine Benis dress on, kind of a long, red, flowy. It's also crazy to think Marty's Noggin is just hitting her right in the clam, basically, with the height. Yeah, he's a tall guy. Yeah. I love clam. I just want to be in that clam. That's what's nice about having a two-year-old.

Because you're down there, you're crouched, what is it, buddy? And then you look up and clams, clams casino is hanging out everywhere. It's a clam bake. And I'm always down there just trying to get a little of that action. But, you know, their hygiene is nice or whatever. Yeah, what can you do? But, no, that's great. You get the Clam View and Clucox Clam.

Title. What was it? That's the title. Oh, sure. All right. And then how about this? And then I know we're going to wrap up pretty soon here. Lomato.

Yeah. Salky's just gave the intentional walkside. So, I teased this last week. I'm never going to get the whole thing in, but maybe I should save it. We got a whole whopper tomorrow. Okay, well, I'll give a small piece.

That's a tease. One small piece for man, one giant cock for Salacuse's asshole. All right. Charlie's not still right out there, is he? He's heard it all. He's seen it. Beautiful kid. I think we need a Starbucks run

in between this and the Patreon. I'm okay, but I can pee. Yeah, Sally just needs it. I have an lollipop. Oh, so I go into a big show. Big show. I teased it before. I went to Vampire Weekend.

Yes. Matt Wayne, Isabel Hagen, our dear friend, my dear friend, your associate, she's in the band. Wow. She's in there. Skus, scut-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-it.

It's crazy. Holy moly. You know, I would not normally go to Vampire Weekend, but they're a hell of an outfit. They're good. Great pack of gays. They're good. I think the guy's name is Ezra.

He's from New Jersey. They're doing these home shows, Montclair. And she got the hook up. Her husband, Will, is like the heart of the band. He's playing the keys and the keyboards and the stuff. So we go out there, we drive to Montclair, which is a beautiful town. I would move there. Very nice place.

I think Stephen Colbert is from there. Don't hold it against the town. Montclair. So we go out there. there, Matt and I, and then across the street, we're getting there a little late, you know, because we don't need to see the opener, and we got VIP tickets. Now, tell me what you make of this.

There's like police around. We're all crowded. The theater's over there. Everyone's lined up. We're going across the street, and lights, we have the stop sign, whatever. Did you take that photo? Holy moly. Look at that. Wow. Composition Textbook, beautiful.

That is special. I would, I prefer the porch thing not in there. Kind of fucks it up. Eh, you can blub that out. Yeah. Look at that rainbow, right? You added that in with Photoshop. That is special. All right.

Especially because she's gay, so that's nice. Yes. But anyway, that is really beautiful. I was sad I couldn't be there. I was working. But anyways, we go to cross the street, and there's a bunch of people, you know how people start walking? So then everyone's like sheep.

They just start walking also, even if there's a car coming. So a group of people walk. I wait. I'm a safety first. I got my bike helmet over here. there's a guy, older guy, and his wife, he just starts walking. Head down, just starts walking. There's a car coming 50 miles an hour.

He just walks right in front of traffic. The lady goes, honey! And he goes, oh, geez, what? And he's one of these asses. He yells at her. What the hell's that? Oh, man. And she goes, well, there's a car coming.

He's like, I would have made it. Oh. He yells at her. This is the opposite of the lady who got hitting the clam by your son's head. So then I do this. I go, man, that was crazy. That guy walked right in front of a moving car to Matt, loud enough. Passive aggress.

And then this guy starts walking again against the light. But the lady stays, so it's the three of us. And I'm like, fuck this guy. And I was like, you were totally right. That was crazy. Good for you. And I think the guy might have heard. I was a little scared that he was going to turn right.

Because I want to be an asshole. But if someone wants to fight me, I'm like, I've got to get out of here. I've got to not go to the show. I'll have my own vampire weekend. I don't know what that means. But it was just so annoying. I hate the thing that when people can. can't go, holy shit. Thanks, honey. That was crazy. Right. He just shouts at her. Yeah, he must hit her.

He must. Hopefully. You walked in front of a moving vehicle, clearly not paying attention. Your wife loves you enough to go, baby, no. And then you're like this, you fucking bitch. What kind of life is this? And he start to wonder, like, how is this guy going to not die? If he's doing that, you met this guy for 11 seconds. You saw that. Right. How does he get through his whole life? Well, I think we're going to have, in the, the future, and maybe this has already happened, all kinds of people getting hit by cars, falling down wells. It's this shit. It's the old, they're just walking around.

People have AirPods. I saw that guy on a bike. I see this regularly with no hands texting with AirPods in, no helmet. Guilty. And by the way, you broke your fucking promise. Oh, shit. Salacuse calls me. He saw a bleeding kid, bleeding out and said, I'll never not put on a helmet again.

I see him the next day, biking, no helmet. You'd squeal. he's got no helmet I didn't know he set it up wrong I was like oh yeah he didn't wear a helmet what are you doing get a helmet the next day I'm wearing a helmet now

oh I don't buy where is it today I took a train I see I have time to wrap this up oh hey we wrap up we want to wrap up

all right you gotta wrap that head up yeah wrap your head up you fuck get a wig too would you oh come on all right

well this is fun what a time stay where you're doing tell him Steve Robert and keep doing your thing. I don't know what he's doing. I have no idea.

He's on some kind of big project. Unbearable? Something like that. I don't know. But he'll be back. We're doing the Skank Fest, Doc. That's going to be fun. I don't know how to get the money.

That's the problem. Oh, yeah. I don't know when this comes up. I have no idea. October. I'll be in Saudi praying to God in a hostage video. And, yeah, you got no podcast to plug,

which is very refreshing. and I got buy some bodega cat and get on the Patreon folks I got some dates right I'm going to Baltimore come to Baltimore come to San Diego

come to Europe Oslo Helsinki Stockholm and Dublin and DC DC I'm doing DC as well I'm doing

DC improv coming up November 6th or the 8th I got what's it called Stress Factory and October 23rd the 25th Dallas Improv. So I have Dallas D.C.

Stress Factory and Portrait of a comedian, Tom Dustin. Sal Cus worked on it for free, which I'm very grateful, even though he's now fucking giving me shit about it. It was the happiest time of my life, and go buy it.

It's a great movie. Bill Burr liked it. All right, we'll see it. I'll see it. I got a whiz. Sally. You want to say anything? Oh, you're sick. That's good. Up in the heavens where legends cry. Homelessly watching the music die.