Tuesdays with Stories! - #626 Dern's Done

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Mark and Joe give the finger to the finger! Mark runs into one Jimmy Kimmel and says EXACTLY the right thing! Joe sees a SHARK CATCH in MANHATTAN! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Support the show & get a licensed therapist to help you reach your goals this World Mental Health Day. To get started & get 10% off your 1st month, go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/tuesdays - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS and use code TUESDAYS and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! - Support the show & layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look. Go to https://www.Quince.com/Tuesdays for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. Ha! Hey, hey, folks. We're doing it. We're back. We're here. We're queer. We're in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, Crooklyn, B-Town, B-K broiler. Brooklyn. Was that what they said? Is Brooklyn in the house? I'm for Brooklyn.

I don't know. Brooklyn what? Brooklyn what? Was that it? I don't know. This N-word what. That was big. Yeah, yeah. N-word, please.

Yeah, they got please and what? That's pretty polite. Yeah. Please. Absolutely. Please and thank you. Edward, thank you. Do they do that?

No, Enward, you're welcome. I definitely haven't heard. No. Well, anyways, we're here in Brooklyn, and what a city. What a town. What a neighborhood. What a thing. The alumni is unreal out here.

Oh, yeah. Well, you got Chris Rock, Colin Quinn. Woody Allen, Larry David. Sure. Well, Woody and Larry, those are the top of the heap for me. And I think stones throw away from each other. Sheepshead Bay and what's that other place there? Coney Islandish.

I don't know if what he's from Coney. Bay Ridge. No. Benson Hurst. Something like that. I don't know. I've looked at many times, but I can't really remember. Yeah, I can't either.

It's one of the, it's down there. It's where the dirty Jews were back in the 40s or whatever that was. Did you listen to him on, what is it? Midwood. Midwood. That's fucking. in Brooklyn. Also, Jackie Gleason is Bushwick. Yeah. Which is fun

to think. I drove a bus for a living. Different times. Yeah. Did you listen to Woody on Barry White? I loved it. That was the one we needed. That was the interview I wanted. That was the one I needed. It was great. She's like, so-and-so. Some writer said the longest ride in the world is Brooklyn to Manhattan. And she's like, did you find that

to be true? And he's like, no. It was about to 35 minutes. He's so cute that Woody. Yeah, that's your nanny lady. I would let him dittle me. Or someone stole your kid. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. She probably needs my help, but I'm on air. Oh, geez, and Rupert can't get upstairs. Is May here? If you want to bring, yeah, she's on a call. You want to help her bring that trolley up the stairs there?

She's going to be, we're going about to hear, ah, who's this guy? Oh, boy. Getting attack, but pause. Nah, let it roll. Hey, speaking of Brooklyn, took the boy to swim lesson today. Oh, that's fun. The YMCA. How do he do? He just goes apesh. It's fun. He's like, oh. Oh, here we go. He's going, but then this guy was going to help. Oh, well, get Rupert in there.

I don't want to know where that guy's been. That was the perfect image of somebody that's going to take your baby. I know, right? Yeah, they splash around. It goes crazy in there. Yeah, yeah, it's fun. But then he splashed so much. He got water in his face.

Then he started, you know, he got in the mouth, and that whole thing. They do the whole thing, yeah. But it's so sweet. There's like a little black lady with the cap on, and she's like, you know, Okay, the wheels on the bus Go whoosh, wish, wish, and you take them in you Yeah, you wish them around Up and down, up and down

It's very wholesome And it's fun to be in a pool with a little boy Now, do you ever think about Making love to this nanny lady? Well, it's crossed everyone's mind, you know, If there was a guy in the house, I would think about that Of course, yeah Rupert even

Is he stuck out there? I think he's stuck in a doorway. Rupert? Oh, oh. I think you might be stuck. Wow. Oh, God. Well, he's above us because I hear the wall shaking and I see dust falling.

Oh, God. There's a ripple in the cup there like Jurassic Park. Poor Rupert. Someone padlocked the door. Padlock? Who padlocked the door? I don't know. I can't even last, but I didn't click a lock.

I didn't click a lock. It was locked. Oh, boy. Well, they got rupees here because otherwise the maids would be deported. Sorry, I came. and tried to unlock the door. I did. What happened?

I helped her bring it up the stairs and then I went in. Oh, okay. Oh, it wasn't locked. Oh, sorry, Rup. Thank you. You're a mention of a gentleman. So who locked the... Did you lock the door out there?

I locked it when I came back here. Oh, you're scared of the neighborhood. Yeah. I see. Okay, I appreciate the honesty. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, Brooklyn Swimming. And Brooklyn alum, Brooklyn, Phil.

A Woody Allen podcast. Yeah. He is the... greatest. He's the man. He's the best. He's so chill and relax and fun and he's just like, I don't know. I don't know what else to do. So I made the movies. And he's like, no, not really. That doesn't bother me. Yeah, he's so genuine. And he talked about the cancel. The whole thing. And he was like, yeah, what are you going to do? Yeah, that was in his book like that too. It was quite

fun. I mean, I love him. He's like, ah, it didn't hurt me. What are you going to do? He's a mold. Yeah, he's like, I did 50 movies. I got it all in. I'm good. How Zen is he? The whole world thinks he's a fucking, uh, Rape child, you know, molester. And he's like, well, you know, they think that. I'm not. What are you going to do? Yeah, Zenzzi. He's good. Even Shalamu was like, yeah, I'll never work with him again.

And he was like, he wrote in his book. Yeah, the guy, like, begged to work with me. I have the email. He couldn't wait to do a movie with me. Yeah. What are you going to do? He's a good man, and I'm glad he's still with us. And who's going to die next, do you think?

Big celebrity death. Charlie Sheen. I think Nicholson's on his last legs. Oh, big. Nick. They say that. St. Nick. Nick, please.

I assume his buddy that's in the Tarantino movies in Nebraska. He can't be lasting much longer. Who? You know what I'm talking about. Bruce Dern. Oh, Dern. Dern's got to be on the last legs. Dern's done.

We lost Redford. Rupert can't be too far away. Can't be too far away. Who else? Keith Richards? That guy, he's 80 years old, for God's sakes. Heroin addict. Chronic smokers, still smoking.

Still smoking, still rocking. I mean, I'm hoping for Chuck. But I think some people, they do so many drugs, they die. And then some people do so many drugs, they get over this hump and live longer. Right. You know, like the sheens or the Richards or the... Who else does? Oh, Rob Williams killed himself.

Yeah. Boy, poor guy. Yeah. Some people can get past that death and just keep on living. Is it so weird? People are just dead. Artie Lang. Rob Williams, dead.

Dead. Doesn't exist. Charlie Kirk. Gone. But not forgotten. Yes, I was at the Memorial. Looked like a Bargazzi show. Where does that money go?

They must have been, they must have made $2 million in that thing. It was packed. It's not going to Tylenol now, I'll tell you that. Oh, boy. Anyways, we're here, we're queer. We're back. Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Staten Island, the Bronx. Who, who, who, who, who, who, who, yeah.

Swim lesson. How about this one? New York thing I've ever seen. You know when there's a guy on the train who looks normal, but you're like, something's off. Because usually you go, oh, he smells like a big, big turd in the pants, or he smells like B.O. or a foot fungi or something. You know, he's got the crazy swollen, ashy thigh or whatever, the ankle. Yeah. And so you're like, this guy looks nober. He had a gym bag. He was ripped.

Big, handsome black guy. Ripped. You could tell he just came from the gym. He had a t-shirt on and basketball shorts. But he kept pacing, and he kept pacing. And then he would get off the train, do this one and then before it would close he would jump back on interesting like the french connection yes yes connection black connection so i'm like what the hell's up with this guy and then there was a woman i don't know a latin lady with a baby like this sounds right yeah they they reproduce just one just one surprisingly the other ones were on top of the train but uh she's just sitting there at the edge of the bench on the train and right before he gets off he goes wow and then walks off the train the finger to the face if you're listening at home

yeah and the lady went oh and then we were all like what the hell was that we ever the whole train turned we were like you okay what was that about she was like i don't know i don't know sounds like rob williams and mrs doubtfire you for the giant outfire here was a run by fruiting why didn't he think of a name i don't get it you for the naja yeah uva geniva doubtfire yeah it was a weird scottish name but he went there Didn't we just talk about this? He went through the whole whirlwind. He crosses out the phone number.

He does all the things. He does the voice. He has the thing. And then she goes, what's your name? And he's like, whoops, I forgot. Yeah. Come on, fuck face. Right.

Why he killed himself. You got to have a name. So what do you think it was? Was she playing music? Was she selling candy? Was she one of the candy girls? Zilch. She was one of the rare quiet Latins.

And she was just sitting there and got the finger. I think maybe he hated kids. He hated women. And then I followed the guy. Because I was like, I'm fascinated by this guy. I kept my distance. 72nd Street on the two I watch him get out

and he sees another lady and he goes up right behind her and takes a photo of her from behind and then turns around and goes the other way and I went ah because he walked past me

wow something's up with this guy but he worked out he's ripped so nobody wanted to fuck with him well that's scary nothing more scary than the ripped homeless guy

yes you see a homeless guy with abs get out of there get the fuck out but this guy's scary because it's the unknown. Like, what's his deal? And you want to go up to him and go, sir, what's the deal?

Inconsideration. Yes. Why are you giving women the finger to the face? And it was, it had some stank on it. Do you think the finger's one of the gayest things ever? Fingers bad. People that think the finger is cool, they should be put down. You get from like 16 to 18 with the finger.

And then it's done. The finger, you know, oh, fuck you, dude. Like, I'm like, just say, fuck you. You don't need the finger. I know. I think we all did it. There's a million photos of me in college. I had double fingers a lot.

I would do that. The Tupac out the window was fun. But, I mean, I guess the pretend to pull something out of your pocket and it's a finger. That's kind of fun. That's a fun move. I like that one. And then there's the Jack Black. Oh, I don't know that one.

You shoot the other four fingers. Okay. You get creative with it. I'll let it slide. But Johnny Cash. Oh, look at this guy. A record banjo player. Real bad boy.

Heads up. He's giving the finger to his own photographer. Right, right. The cash one at least is cool because it was the 50s or something or the 70s, whatever. And top gun, I like. That was fun. What was that? Well, he flies inverted over the head and they give the finger. Well, sometimes it's all you have because if they can't hear you, if you're at a bomber jet, you can't be like.

But even that, you can still go. Hey, fuck you. I like this move. Very New York. Old school. I don't get that one either. What about this? Oh, the suck it.

Nobody, if a lot of people listen to audio, you got to tell them what you're doing. That's the wrestling thing. Whatever, yeah. Yeah, that thing I hated. I thought that was silly. And I'm such a wholesome boy.

I came up on wrestling 88 to 92. It was like Rick Flair, who Jim Duggan, who just gave a thumbs up, which I think is the funniest gimmick ever. Yeah. Thumbs up. Like him and Roger Ebert were the same guy. Oh, yeah.

And then all of a sudden, I tuned out and friends would talk about it And they're like, oh, yeah, there's these new guys. They tell you to suck their dick. I'm like, what? That's wrestling? Before that, it was, Hulk Hogan would be like, the prayers and the vitamins. These guys are like, hey, blow me, you fucking homo.

There's the attitude era, baby. We got to up it. I know. He's like, Stone Cold's smashing beer cans. And then Vince McMahon's, like, fucking his daughter. I'm like, what the hell is this? Yeah, those are good times. That he made, I think his wife is like Secretary of Transportation or something.

Oh, it's like the Department of Education, I thought. She's like the head teacher. Oh, yeah. It's coming in his pants over there. No, it all makes perfect sense. Don't worry about it. I think he was like plowing a lady and the sketches. Remember Vince McMahon would be like,

we're going to write a bunch of sketches. Like, it's a big soap opera. And he's like banging a lady in front of his wife. And she was like, I'm on board. I got to write some sketches. You got that right. Yeah, this is my dream. All right.

I got some sketch ideas. Oh, yeah. I want to, that's all the only reason you want to be an actor is so you can fuck women. I'm watching like Victoria, Vicki, Christina, Christina, Barcelona. Whee, hubba, hubba. Scarlett Johansson is making out with Penelope Cruz and Harvier Bardin. I'm like, first of all, how nice for our friend Colin,

who's now married to... I forgot her name. I just said it. Scarlet Johansen. Anytime he wants, he can go to the I thing, iTunes, whatever, and just watch his wife making out with Penelope Cruz. Well, you've got to cut it before Bardem gets his fat ass in there with his free Palestine, Cafifa.

Not me. That's where I really bust. That's where I really bust. The Penelope gets me hard. Fierre gets me over the moon. Your dicks like his cow prod and no country. I would love, if I were going to have a guy fuck my wife in front of me the way I think about, it would either be Barden with the haircut from No Country.

Could you step out of the bed, please? Or Rupert. Big Rupert. Get in there. We've got to mend some fences here. We've had some debates. One of the perks of the job. Just put him on the bottom for Pete's sake. Now, Harvey A. Bardin, he's one of these guys, and we've had this concession before.

Some men, I can tell our handsome boys. Brad Pitt, hot, you're a very nice-looking guy. You got Chris Di or, like, Jeff Dye or something like that. Harvey or Bardin, I'm like, this guy's hot? I don't get it either. It looks like a pan face. He looks like somebody dropped a case. What do you call that?

A fucking... Casadilla? No, like in the cartoons, they drop a safe. Look like someone dropped. He's popped a face on his face. A safe on his face. That's hard to say. Yeah.

He's got a big fat, flat face. He looks like a fucking monster to me. He looks good in that movie, though. Like, in no country, he looks like a 70s Mormon retard. You've got that page boy. But in Barcelona, he walks over to the table with all that swagger and confidence. And he's like, ladies, I'd like to invite you to my villa to eat my ass and for dinner. And they're like, okay, he's got something.

I don't get it, and Rebecca Hall's another one, who I think is a lovely lady. She's in the movie. The Burnett. People think she's so hot. I think my wife is much better looking than Rebecca Hall. I think Rebecca Hall's all right. She's pretty. Your wife's hotter than Rebecca Hall.

Wow, thank you. Well, I think you put Rebecca next to Johan, and it's a tough sell. Good point. Because she is a sexy, deep-voiced bitch. You can't call her a bitch. We know her husband. Oh, well, I mean, bitching like the rap way. Good point.

Thank you. But any farts, yeah, bar damn, I don't get, I don't give a bar damn. But he's hot, I guess. Henry Cahill, that's a hot hunk of jizz right there. I don't know who that is. Can you pull him up, Rupert? You've seen. He's in one of the Mission Impossibles. I think he was Superman for a hot minute. He's on some stuff.

He's in that movie about the boat, the bus. Speed? No, that guy. Oh, yeah, he looks like Superman. That's Superman for a minute. Give me a filmography of him, because I don't know any of these films. But maybe he's in TV, too. A lot of these people are TV stars.

I don't really watch a lot of TV. Yeah, he's not in great movies. I might take this new Ethan Hawk joint for a spin. I love Ethan Hawk. I didn't know he had one. It's supposed to be a noir thing, FX Hulu. Hockalugi. And maybe I'll try to get in there.

I like that Hawk. He's good. He's good. He's a good writer as well. Oh, he's tremendous. He's all around great. We've got to start getting into some stories here. I think he was plow and who was he married to?

Somebody something. I don't know. Julie Delpy? That's in the movies for sure. He's got a wife on him. Uma? Uma? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was married to him. Wow. She's 6-1 or something. She's a tall glass of pussy juice. What do you got for Cahill? Cavill. Cable. Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare.

That was fun. Argyle. Argo. No, Argo. Superman and all those DC movies. I don't know that, really. That's the one. I don't know if I saw that.

I never saw that. He's an action guy. The Tweeders? The Tudors? Tudors. Never saw that. Oh, that I saw. That's a terrible Woody Allen movie.

Is that Woody Allen? Yeah, it's a bad one. With Larry and it's unbelievable. Oh, that one's tough. Somehow the two greatest comedic voices in the history of comedic voices got together and made a bag of shit. Well, Larry David is like a like a race. car driver where he can do his thing, but you can't just put Mario Andretti in New Kids on the Block and have him sing. Right, good points. You know, Larry, Larry does Larry. You can't

put him anywhere else. Uh, oh, oh, the right stuff. First time was a sweet time, and second time was a blast. Uh, third time I fell in love, now it's gonna last. Is that when he, uh, is that sex? I assume so. He's got to be. He's talking about fucking monopoly? I don't know. Nobody He plays Monopoly three times. I used to love Monopoly. It takes forever. It sure does. But when you were a kid, you had forever.

You had time. I was never like, I'm wasting my life. Actually, I was like that, even as a kid. Yeah, so was I. It's embarrassing. Well, I actually read when I was a kid. I've read multiple comedy books. I got a nice stack of comedy books.

I can't turn a page, Jerry. I can't do it. You got the TikTok porn and Only fans just rubbing my sphincter. Well, you're not smart. So that's the thing. Damn it. But I was, Jerry. I feel like I don't know if I was, but I read books because I had nothing else to do.

It was read a book or stare at my asshole. Well, now I still read, but I'm the same way. I'll read a page and a half and I'm like, oh, what town is that? How many people live in that town? Yeah, you Google it. That's the problem. You used to be able to fucking have a discussion, and that was part of life. You'd go, how tall is the CN Tower?

I don't know, 1,800 feet. What are you nuts? Yes. It's 4,000 feet. 4,000 feet. That would be fucking about. Bababababoo. It would bump into a plane.

No, planes don't go that high. Well, how high does a plane go? And that would go on for three hours. Yeah, well, Pete Holmes, to his credit, had a bit years ago, 10 years ago when Google came out, whatever that was. And he was like, we used to have discussions. You know, he used to go, where's Tom Petty from? Oh, Oklahoma. He's a southern guy.

No, that's too mid. Gainesville. Yeah, it was Florida. And you used to have a debate about it. And now it's just, where's Tom Petty from? Got it. And then two months later, you'd have a newspaper and be like, like, look at this.

Yes. And then the person that loses always goes, you're still thinking about that? And you're like, you were thinking about it too, fuck face. Interesting. But anyways. Ladies gentlemen, this episode is brought to you by prize picks. You and I make decisions every day. But on prize picks being right and get you paid, don't miss any of the excitement this football

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Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Once again, that's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. You know who I hate, can I throw a guy I hate at you? Please. I love guys to hate. Okay. Gaddafi? No. So, who is Gaddafi?

He was the Libyan president. Oh, he's gone. I guess we don't need Google. But, so I'm trying to play tennis over here. I got a racket. We got courts. Me and Ruby are going to play tennis. It's going to be quite a racket over there, if you know what I mean.

That's true, especially in the movie theater. But so I go, hey, so it's very primitive. You go up early and there's a booklet, and you sign your name to reserve a spot. Okay. But these quefs out here wake up at the crack of dawn. I'm sitting around a bunch of farmers. We are farmers. Bump-da-b-b-b-bum-cum.

Yes. Sure than come the whole time. I only thought of it halfway through. You got it in there. Instead of bum, you say, come, it's funny. Come, cup, cup, cub, cub, cub. Yeah. That's the grinder tune.

What did Elton John have for dinner? Come, come, come, come, I don't know. Bubble cum. All right, so I go to sign up, and, you know, I sleep in, I fuck up, I missed it, so I go there way too late. It's already like 11. And these people get up here at 6, and they start signing up. Sure. So I get over there.

How about this guy? I'm looking at the, I don't know where the booklet is. I'm new. So I'm like, where's that booklet? And one guy goes, you're looking for the booklet? And I go, yeah, yeah, I want to sign up for tennis. He goes, whew, you're way too late. And I go, all right, I realize that.

I just want to know where it is for next time. And he goes, buddy, you missed it. And I'm like, I don't know where it is. I'd like to know where it is, so I don't have to go through this again. Yeah. You're way behind, you overslept, you're done, your career's bad, you're fat, you're ugly, and I'm like, where's the booklet? He's shaming me.

Tell me where the booklet is. He won't tell me. So I'm like, I know, I know, I get it, I'm late. I get it, you're shaming me, you're chastising me, you feel good, you're cool, you got up early, I didn't. Where's the booklet? So where's the booklet? I don't know. I don't know.

I walked away. Well, that's the thing these guys, they don't want anyone new coming in. Is that what that is? I think so. You're the new guy. You got your fancy shorts and you're... silly socks, you complicated shoes, I think they don't want you, they don't want you poking your head around. Well, just tell me where it is. Obviously, I can't get up early. He can't. He just, he wouldn't let up on the shaming to tell me information.

Well, maybe it's Rogan's fear. Maybe he recognizes you. Hey, this guy's with Rogan. Maybe, maybe. Well, if he wants to buy any elk meat or testosterone, he missed out. Sorry, I got distracted. What happened? The police sirens. Oh, wow. It sounded like it was coming up the street. Welcome to the neighborhood. I think Rupert called him. Well, that sucks.

Well, maybe try tomorrow. I will. I will. I'm going to do it just to spite this guy. But I hate these guys who, they're so on a roll that they can't even stop and listen to me. Because he wouldn't even listen where I was like, I know, I just need to do it. It's over. You missed it. Bip, pip, pip, pip.

What are we doing here? No, that guy sucks. Well, tennis is a particularly fancy pants sport. They're very elitist. They don't want anyone coming in. And, you know, you're a rabble rouser. They can't have you in there. Well, this guy was rabbling my rouse. He was up my own tree park. I'm not saying he's not a rabble rouser. I'm saying he's a hoity-toity rouser. Right, right, right. Well, isn't it weird because, like, you always hear about white priv? I'm white, but I don't feel very...

Oh, boy, you'd be careful here. You better pump the brakes. Well, I don't feel very hoity-to-to-dy. Like, when I'm up around a bunch of tennis people, I feel like the black guy. I'm like, she... Oh, hell no. Yeah, don't you feel... I think it's like a... You get to a level of white trash and low self-esteem. You start to feel left out of even white stuff.

Yeah, no. I mean, I feel... I was talking about my therapist with it. I feel like a big retard learning disability, OCD, asshole. I got no self-esteem. Monis, he's calling me. He's like, every time somebody says something nice, I'm going to text you, because you got problems.

He's concerned. Huh. Because he'll be like this. Oh, yeah. Dane Cook mentioned you. like, oh stop. He doesn't know who the fuck I am. He knows who you are. He likes you. I'm like, he doesn't like me. You shut the fuck up. He loved you. He used you for years. So as an opener. No, just twice. Ah, boy, I've been really selling that. I was like, he told

Dane Cook everything. He did the Boston Guard. And he wrote the bit about the DJ. No, no, I didn't do any of that. The BK. Lounge. I was like, that was Liz. How about this? I just came from Bennington. Speaking of Luke Monas, guess who I was in the elevator with. I want you to take three guesses. Whoa. All right, all right, all right. Make him quick, though. Three guesses? Three guesses. Well, I'm going to go with music because it's the Sirius XM field. All right. I'll go

Bon Jovi. No. I'll go Missy Elliott. I wouldn't recognize her if she sat on my face. All right. My face would collapse. She's a heavy set woman of color. Mick Jagger. No. All right. Nope, nope. No. Gary

Della Fonty. Oh, Baba Booie. How do you say his name? Gary. Bonte. Yeah, in the elevator. Bababooie. I go, how about that? Because serious radio, Stern, the whole thing. That's over, right? No. Stern? No.

I thought Trump made the call. No, he's going. Oh, okay. He just does it from home. No, I thought Stern was out. No, they did a big thing. Like, he was going to be out. And then he came out, was like, it's just rumors. Fuck you. I think he signed up again, I think. I heard he was Dunzo.

I don't think so. Well, by the way, Marin said he was quitting. He's put out 750 episodes since that. Every day he's like. Like, today's Rupert Day on WTF. It's like Sting. That's our last tour. Or kiss.

Oh, that's what I bet. What he loves? What do you got? He said on September 28th, he's going to stay with the platform. Yeah, he's staying. Oh, okay. I didn't hear that part. Which is good for us, because I think it keeps people on serious.

Oh, yes. Which I love serious radio, by the way. I think it's like the fucking greatest thing ever. It's fun. You get on that Pearl Jam station on the Bruce or the Beatles. I love it. 22, 20, and I think six. And I got a hefty paycheck from soup to nuts.

Absolutely. So, wait, so Delabonte, unfortunate-looking man. Well, Luke was still, Luke Bonas is like a stern super fan. He still says, hey now all the time, which I find annoying. But he did say it after a fart the other day, which made me laugh. That's Larry Sanders. I know what Stern. I think half the people, more than half the people that say, hey now, are doing Stern doing Larry Sanders.

I didn't know that. Okay. What are you crazy? You know what I'm talking about? stern commandeered hay now he took hay now from Hank yeah I mean he didn't take it

but he was doing I guess he took it but it wasn't like he was like I came up with that he was quoting hey now the way we quote yeah oh stern I think if you did a

hey now count it's stern 7000 more times than what's this toast transparent what's his name uh Hank is the show

yeah what's the actor's name Jeffrey tambour tambour tambour Yeah, I thought you listened to Stern. Were you a stern guy? I was a huge stern guy, but I haven't listened in 40 years because I don't have serious. But he was a big hey now back then.

Hey now. Oh, he was a hay now. Yeah, when I think of Hay Now, I think more stern than tambour. I guess I go timbre. Because I watched Larry Sanders more recently than I've listened to Stern because I used to listen to him on the radio. That makes sense. I see. But anyway, so I mean, I get annoyed with the hay now, but then the other day I was like,

and he went, hey now. It's just funny. That's a good time. But anyway, so I texted him, and he was telling me that they used to have some kind of contest where women have to come, and they would put a bag over Gary's head because he was so ugly, and the women wouldn't come. Think about how crazy that is to do to your buddy. That's good radio, though. I mean, that's funny stuff.

Anyways, he's on the elevator, and I'm going, wow, I'm on the elevator with Gary Delafonte. Yeah. And then there's a young kid, and he goes, I'm sorry, what's your name again? Because he must have been like an intern guy or working. To you. No, no, to Gary. Oh. It was fun. For me, I'm having a celebrity, but we're old as shit now.

Gary's 75. Yes. And there's a young whippersnapper going, what did you say your name was? I'm over here going, there's a celebrity. Wow. It would be like, you know, if you saw Michael J. Fox shaking his ass into the elevator and you go, oh, my God, there's Marty McFly. And this guy's like, what did you say your name was? We didn't shake.

And that motherfucker hit all the buttons, you shaky bastard. Now we're going to 38 floors. Now, you know, it's funny. Were you done with that? Yeah. Okay. Last time I was at Sirius, it's been a while, I did Bennington. Did you do what?

The Portion of a Comedian or whatever it's called? Bennington. Yeah. I think he said Bennington. Oh, did I say Benigan? I think he said Benignans. Oh, sorry, I haven't eaten there in years. Jesus, that's not a good sign for wrong.

I saw Rupert. So anyways, I'm doing I hop. So I'm at Shoney's. I don't think Shoney's made it up here. I don't know what Shonies is. Oh, but I was going to go a showties? Okay. The Elizabeth Berkley movie, which she's got her tits up.

Shoney, your tits. Shoney Shoney Shoney. Shoney's was like a Ruby Tuesday shitbox restaurant with a salad bar. I love Ruby Tuesdays. Me too. But good song, Mick Jagger. So I'm in the elevator with... Do I got three guesses?

Three guesses. Okay, let's get right down to it. Young MC. No. Okay. Well, I can tell by the reaction. It's not a black man rapper. It's got to be...

Uh, Jew Steven Spielberg. I wish. All right. I would let you know if I met the big spiel. Oh, yeah. So you don't know. Something that you weren't.

He's of note. Of note, but not worth telling me. Not a black guy. It's no way it's a woman. Nah. Yeah, I would remember that. You wouldn't mention a woman unless their tits were out. I'm going to say.

Relevant to today. Relevant. Very relevant. Jimmy Kimmel. That's it. Wow. Whoa. The Kimmel.

Wow. Yeah. No kidding. Coming down the elevator, he was like, looking at his phone. I was like, oh, shit, there's Jimmy Kimmel. And this is Kimmel, Kimmel. This is before all, the hoopla and everything. And I was a man show guy.

I was a Win Ben Stein's Money guy. But I knew as a comedian, I couldn't just hit him with a, hey, big fan. I had to get in there. I had to be niche. Yes, sly. Yeah, so I go, just want to throw this out there. Windy City Heat, one of the best comedies ever.

And he went, You know Windy City Heat? Wow. I'm in, baby. I said the right thing. That's pretty good. Yeah. So what did he say?

So he just leaped right into a full conversation. We were equals, Jerry. He goes, you know, that scary Perry, there was no acting. That guy was legitimate. That was all real. I still talked to me to this day. fucking crazy. He just opened up to me. No kidding. That's fun. And then the

doors opened and he poofed out of there. And his initials, J.K. Rowling. Just kidding. Yes. That's, you know, Kismet. Kismet. I should have gotten the photo, though. What was I going to say? I thought that was that with Gary Delahoupu. Yeah. Because I'm like, I would have just been exciting for

Luke, but I'm like, I can't ask for a photo. I feel like a jackass. I feel like an asshole, too. Wait, what was I just going to say, though? Jimmy Kimmel. It was something. Oh, I forgot. to mention this, by the way, I had a kook on the way here, which is fun. You always hope for something on the way to the show. Well, we're out of stories. I got a couple things here. Big, big. I mean, I'm lying. But I have something. But anyways, I'm on the train because I went and did Bennington. So then I take the train down town. I go to the train. We stop at Union Square. It's one of these ones where just stops for fucking 45 minutes. We're just sitting there. Oh, brutal. And then it's a mostly empty train. It's like two in the afternoon. It's me and an Asian boy. He's over there. He's kind of hot. He's got earrings. He's looking at his phone. And I'm sitting here like this, doing that. He's got his feet out like this. He's looking

at his phone. And then, similar to your situation, a kook that he doesn't fully present as a kook. Yeah, he doesn't identify as a kook. Well, this is a woman. This is a lady kook. Oh, lady kook. How about that? Yeah, so that's my favorite point category. So she walks up, she's got a cane. Well, the cane with the prongs, the four corners, which feels like all the canes should have that. Oh, yeah. That's Good point. Why I have a little nipple-sized rubber stamp? Yeah.

If you can have four rubber stamps. I think it's a stroke cane, they call that in the business. Yeah, good band. Strokeane? Yeah, the stroke canes. Well, kind of like cocaine, but stroke can cause a stroke cane. Do do do do do do, do, do strokeane. Not bad.

Okay. Well, so she's walking. She's got a plastic bag, which is the sign of a kook, but also the sign of someone that just bought some stuff. Or David Till. And she's got, you know, kind of a frail body, but not crazy looking. So I'm in my own business. I'm looking at my thing. And then she stops here.

So I think, oh, maybe she's just going to stand there. And she goes, get your feet out of the aisle. And I'm like, well, my feet are like this. And then the Asian kid, he's got his headphones in. She goes, get your fucking feet out of the aisle, you selfish asshole. Wow. And the guy, I just start laughing. So the kid's like, oh, it's like a young boy.

He's like 20 years old. He's like, oh. And she walks by it. She's like, fucking selfish assholes. Then she walks through and then gets off the train. Wow. I kind of like her. It's kind of fun.

Yeah. So she wasn't even going on that train. She's just kind of passing through. She's kind of the sheriff of this town. Like she laid down the law and then made sure it happened. Then she got off. I guess so. But it was an empty train.

There was plenty of space. She could have said, excuse me. She could even tapped him with the quadrues. triple cane. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know. I have some theory. I think once you have a cane, now you're handicapped, cripple, what's the word?

Ableist. ADA, people say, which I'm not sure what that means. Attention deficit anal. I don't know ADA. Yeah. Adaptable? ADA compliant. Oh.

American Disability Act. Uh-huh. Nice. Look at the big brain on Roupe and the big belly. Yeah. So. Caves and the big arms. Yeah.

yeah i think you're right okay well done so uh i think once you got that cane you can you can do that you got open open uh carte blanche you're able you cane and able yes cane and anal oh boy this show might be a low point what that wasn't bad cane and able that was something all right all right maybe so who are keen and abel by the way they were the gays in the bible right they did anal so there's David and Goliath and Cain and Abel? Well, then there's sodomy. Yeah, Sodomy and Gimor. It's all pairs.

It's all radio teams in the Bible. Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Steve. So there's Adam and Eve, Jesus and Mary. Joseph. Joseph and Mary. Jesus is the only singular.

He's the only independent. But isn't he all of us? That's like a group. Oh, yeah. He's in all of us. Sodom and Gomorah. Yeah. Kane and Abel, Adam and Eve.

Who was the first one? The other one we mentioned. Timon and Pumba? Who's the other one? I can't remember. Canaan and Abel. Kane and Abel? Yeah.

Are there other pairings? Joseph? What we said? Mary? Who's Paul? Does he have a buddy? That's Peter Paul and Mary. Oh, yeah.

But then there's the all the Mark, Luke, John, and Joe. Yeah, those are saints. That might be the Beatles. Hold on. Well, the new kids. Jonathan, Joey, Jordan, Danny, and Donnie. Wow. Yeah.

That was a big. fan I'm from Boston. Okay, well, Walgberg Blanked a blinded that Asian kid. What's with all the teams? Well, I think it's good for the story because you get both sides. It's like Seinfeld and Comedian. You've got to have the foil.

Right. You've got to have the protag and the Antag. Jerry and Orning, another couple in the Bible. Yes, exactly. Did you ever read the Bible? Give it a skim. Yeah, I kind of skim it in the hotel. Skim it, the Koran I've read.

That was a great Greg Rogel bit. He said, I mean, this is 20 years ago, but he said, you know, George Bush said he reads the Bible every day. You're 61. Finish the book. That's fucking funny. That's great. That's a great joke. That's a great bit.

Finish the book. Finish the book. Sixty one years. He's just been reading like a little bit a day. That Bible's tough. I've peaked at it. It's like, thou vow to thar thrust your wicked penis into my beautiful gaping rectum. I mean, it's like too biblical.

Well, it's like Shakespeare. I need the, the crib notes, the cliff note. I need somebody to tell me what they're talking about. I don't know what thou and thy means. I'm out on that one. By the way, my dad was in the law department. He was a lawyer. You ever read those affidavit dukes?

I mean, they're like crazy jargon, lingo. And they say everything's so confusing. So you just signed the fucking thing. And then before you know it, you're Bob's your uncle. You're in jail. Yeah, no, I don't. I can't read anything. It's too difficult.

Directions, instructions, I mean, when I get a package or something, I don't know what I'm going to do with my kid is five. Hopefully we have AI robots to blow me. It's coming. Because I can't, a Lego, a Tinker Tog, a Lincoln Log, a Tinker Tailor, Sailor Spy. I cannot follow instructions. I can't cookbook. I can't do anything.

Yeah, my brain's all scrambled. If you go, I find if you go one by one, because I'm with you, it's not easy. I go by the photo. It's like a Chinese menu, you know, I'm like, give me that. The Chinese menu in his hand. Yeah, Warren Zevon? Yeah. Hey.

But yeah, yeah, I, you know, with the IKEA shit, it's all in Greek, Islam. What is that? A Swedish. It's all Greek. So I just go, I got the Allen wrench. I'm going to start going. Yeah, I just, I can't follow instruction. I mean, I just got a new commercial agent.

I'm getting back in the game. How about this? After 20 years off, I go, hey, give me a commercial. I love it. Well, I got a two-year-old. You guys are all going to Saudi Arabia, so this, you know, ethics is out the window. Put me in a fucking Tylenol commercial. When was ethics part of this?

You were in a Captain Morgan commercial in 84. I know. Well, then I was broke. So now I'm back to being like, well, what the hell? Took you long enough. I know. I got a two-year-old homo at home. I got Mr. Musinex over here.

So put me in. I'll sneeze. I got a good sneeze. Watch this. Achoo! Wow. I just got COVID. Screen Actors Guild.

I love it. I might get the vaccine again. Just despite all these people that are like, hey, you faggot, why don't you get a vaccine? I'm like, I'm not even talking about the vaccine. What? What are these people? Because all, you know, you're like, oh, wow, I didn't care about this Jimmy Kimmel seems crazy.

Why don't you get the vaccine, your piece of shit, homo? And I'm like, what are you talking about? But anyways. Booster. Elaine Booster. No. So I said Luke Monis. He's going on these commercial auditions.

I got a two-year-old. Let me make some money. at home. What do I care? I don't care about artistic integrity. This is the other thing. I stopped doing commercials because I was trying to be an artist. But now we're all on podcast going, hey, buy the dick pill, buy the horse pill, buy my shoes. Sure, sure. Yeah, better help. I'm already doing commercials. So why don't I just goof around with a hot lady? Big pharma, baby. You can be in the herpes ad and you're, it's method. That's not bad. It's a documentary. I'll be in a hot tub with a big fat-titted lady on my arm.

Oh, I love it. Rupert could shave and be the lady, and I'll kiss her on the lips and go, hey, I got herpes. Yes, now we're talking. Anyways, so the whole point of this, I have an interview with the college agent lady, and she goes, okay. You're a breakout star. All right, all right. This is how you made it to the top. I'm telling you.

I'm trying to tell you. This is how you made it. Breakout. So this is what we're talking about, the instructions and this, oh, my God, we left the window open. We've made so many off-color jokes. Oh, and before the pod started. They would have attacked us by now. Jesus Christ.

We're good. You can't hear out there. There's a lot of rap music. I heard her. Well, they're loud. That's a good point. But anyways, so the instruction thing, the commercial agent, I talk to the agent, I go, I'm getting back in the business. Luke's like, hey now.

You got to get back in there. You're an all-star. Get your game on. Get paid. Get paid. So I go. He killed himself. Plus, I'm like, you know, now I'm the retirement.

tired of dad. Every commercial is a white guy with like pancakes exploding in his face and he's like, I don't know how to use it. You pour an orange juice at a toaster. So get me in there. I'll be the big quiff. I'll shave my face and be a moron. They need the fall guy. Exactly. So I'm like, I'm in.

So I meet with the agent. First and foremost, I'm on the phone because I don't use a laptop. I mean, I have a laptop, but I'm just always on the phone. I'm on the go. Yeah, pretty similar. So I'm doing this and she's like, why is it shaking? And I'm like, I don't know. I'll put it on I need. She's like, you don't have a computer?

And I'm like, well, I have a computer, but I like the phone. She's like, well, you need a computer. I'm like, well, I have a computer. Don't worry about the computer. Fire. I don't want to get in a big dispute about the computer. So finally, we get over that. And then she's like, you're great.

You got a great look. You got a great look. You got a great experience. You're a great man. We're going to get you. You're going to be a millionaire in no time, beautiful. Snip, snap, clippity clap. You do have a look.

Oh, I got a look, maybe. I'll give you that. It's not a good one, but it's a look. So then she emails. She goes, all you got to do is sign up and casting banana boo.org. Get an account. Oh, not a sign up. Sign up.

Not an account. Get a password. Get an account. And then you've got to accept the invite from me. I literally, I'm like, I don't need to be in commercials. I am so with you. I swear to God. And it took me a week.

Sarah's like, I'll do it for you. And I'm like, no, no, don't worry about it. I go in. Just to open the laptop, I'm like, I want to kill myself. Now, I know everyone out there, you roof houses and you plumb toilets and you put out fires. I'd rather plumb. I'd rather roof. Well, I've done plumbing.

Hot on the left, cold on the right. Shit flows downhill. Don't bite your nails. I've done some plumbing. But crack, the whole thing. I've done some roofing, too. So I'm just like, fuck me hard. So finally Sunday, I'm like, all right, I got to do this.

Come on, your piece of shit. You're a father for God's six. You've got to put this kid through college, even though colleges will be bankrupt and AI is going to kill us. Yes. I open the computer. I go to the website. Sign up or sign in? All right.

Sign up. I've seen that. This email already exists. Oh, about. Fuck you. So I go, drag it in. The email is wrong. User can't even if it's wrong.

You're not on Wi-Fi. Your dad doesn't care for you. Your wife thinks about your friends, wouldn't you? It's just horrible. Yes, yes. I'm with you. I'm with you. And then you know what I love when they go,

you've emailed so many times, you're signed out. I had that. And I'm like, fuck you, I'm out. I'm done. I like being signed out. I'd lock me out. I had that and I'm like, why the website? You do it.

You do it. Just send them my photo and say, hey, here's a homo who wants to work. Otherwise, what do you need her? If you make the app, you just send all your headshots. Well, then she's like, well, there's one. You got to, it's going to tell you need to pay for it, but you don't. There's a way around. You get the free one.

So I go, okay, I go in there. I finally sign up. The page is like, you want 30. $30 a month. It's good. You get the tube. And I'm like, no, no. She told me about this.

Yeah. It was like an Indiana Jones movie. She's like, okay, she said this was going to happen. Oh, you're waiting. The rock's going to roll down. Yeah. She told me about this. I got to get the free one.

I click. No. You want the $30 one, though, because the $30 one's the one. Exit. I want the free. I go down to exit. I'm scanning the bottom. You ever roll the bottom of the actual bottom where it's like this like little fine?

I'm like, is this the fucking. Finally, I'm paying. $30 a month. And then I had this one. I text Monis. I'm like, hey, you're on this website. This is your agent. How do you get the free one?

He's like, he doesn't respond. Finally, I sign up for the $30 a month. He sends back, here's how you get the free one. But I'm like, you're too late, fuck face. Because don't you have that? I have a minimal amount of attention I can put on a thing. Yes. I'm like, if I don't complete this now, that's the end of it.

That's it. Boy, I'm so with you here. It's same with like, we're walking around out in the, The neighborhood, people are like, do you sign him up for preschool scubly boop? Is he doing free bop scubidibum? No. I'm like, I never heard of that. I don't know what that is.

Well, you miss the signups. He's going to be retarded now. And I'm like, fuck me. I don't want a retarded kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if there was a way to sign up to have him not be retarded, my kid would be of a head the size of a Winnebago. Folks, as it often is.

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That's BetterHelp H-E-L-P dot com slash Tuesdays. So you know what I love I'm trying to throw some positivity in here is the facial

recognition you know when you go to the Delta site and just goes it does that circle with the check because it's all your face love it is the only time someone sees

our faces and goes you're good well this is the thing Bargetzi had an amazing joke about this when I saw him at the arena the AI thing it was good

Why is that a bit? What? Was that a bit? I've thought about it, but I can't do what he does. He's got a very funny bit. He's like, in the 90s, everything was just, don't let him get your eye. Whatever you do, don't let him get the eye. He's like, we're behind it.

Now I'm like, you know, scanning my eye. It's very funny bit. I'm not doing it justice, whatever. The Emmys. But, oh, yeah, that's what I was going to say is I'm like, people are like, you know, if you're signed up for this, they're going to rape your mother. They have all your info. I'm like, I don't.

care. Even when the Patriot Act came out 2001, they're like, what are you crazy privacy? Read my emails. Please. Finger my wife, videotape it and play it for me on a loop, clockwork arm style. I don't care. I don't want privacy. I'm with you. Take it all.

Stop terrorism. Read my emails. Text my asshole. Take my fingerprint, my semen, my DNA, my social security. I don't give a shit. Good luck with it. But yeah, so I love the face ID. And if I don't get the face ID, that's end of it i just i don't care so then to put a little ribbon on the uh what do you call it the

commercial story oh right finally get signed up i email the agent i'm in i signed up wasn't easy okay she goes okay 30 bucks by the way did you accept my invite uh you got to be kidding me i go okay all right don't beat yourself up in the ball don't panic now i got to go get my computer back out i've already put it away pull the computer out because i tried to sign it in my phone but my phone doesn't know the computer, so I can't get in. No. Get the computer back out, open it. I'm at 4%.

I don't know where the charger is. Put it in. Wrong email. I got to reset the email. Reset the password. Get in there. I don't see any message. I'm like, hey, all right, sorry.

I'm new to this. Where do I find the thing you're talking about? The invite. She goes, maybe look at the website. I'm like, lady, I'm about to take my own life here. Yeah, yeah. I look. see it. I don't see it. I can't find it anywhere. So I text Luke again. I'm like, where's the

fucking thing? And he's like, you're a retarded person. I don't know what to tell you. And so now I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to be in a commercial ever again. Wow. This would be a great commercial. It's going a commercial for VPN, whatever the fuck that thing is. Yeah, yeah. Or like going back to flip phone or something. Yeah, that's not bad. I think about it. I'm with you, man. This is, I'm glad I'm not alone because it's hell for me. And that's why I have a manager. People go, fire your manager. You don't need a manager. You're wasting 10%, I can't get in anything. So I need them to book a flight

or book whatever, and then now I'm on this train. The accountant goes, you've got to e-sign. And I go, all right, all right, send it to me, I'll e-sign it. They send it to me, it won't open. Oh, here's the password. Password doesn't work. You got an uppercase, lowercase, twist it, turn it.

They go, okay, beep it, pop it, spit it. Okay. Now you've got to sign up for sign a bitch, or whatever it's called. Right, yeah. Sign a bitch.org. Sign a bitch. So you got to get on sign a bitch. You got to send your da, your boop, poop.

Finally, I sign it and they go, it didn't send. You got to re-sign, whatever it is. So I go, you know what? You guys want to make your money? Send me a hard copy. I'll sign it. Send me a return envelope, and I'll put it in the mailbox. That's good.

So that's what I'm doing now, and it's working. Well, I just, I, very similarly, I had this from Rebecca Trent for Skagfest. I would see a W-2, W-9. What other fuck, W-WF, whatever the fuck it's called. and www.com It sounds so easy but I'm on my phone So then I find the W9 document

And I go to sign it But then my finger is now A marker Yeah So anytime I touch the app It's just shooting lines all over the place Like I try to move it I do this to try to move

It draws a big arrow I can't undo the arrow I try to zoom in it goes It's just lines I got swastikas on my fucking W9 It's horrible It's graffited up I didn't get, all I wanted to do in my life was go, you ever take a shit with a boner?

Hey, that's funny. Jop that down, go on stage and go, hey, I'm shit with a boner. I pissing my own mouth. Can I use that? That's gold. That's gold. So, you know, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah, yeah.

You need a little Asian lady. You can just, hey, you do this. Exactly. I guess that's what an intern is. Maybe that's why Woody Allen married Soon Dick. Well, I've been saying this since 1978. You need an assistant, my friend. I know, but I got the manager, it's working, and now I got this, I'm all paper.

I feel like an Amish guy. I'm like, mail that shit to me, snail mail. I love snail mail because by the time I figure out the app, the tax return is over. Right. So mail that shit. And mail is unbelievable. People shit on the mail. The post office is slow.

It's all fat, black women. But the idea that I could buy a 38-cent stamp with James Dean on it, getting in a car crash, and then put it on a piece of paper kick that out the door and it'll go to Florida is insane Yeah, it's pretty good That's fun Well I mean you used to get letters

That was great I love it Can you imagine being in jail And getting a letter What a great day That's got to be like Ooh I got a letter I get to open it

I get to read it Then you sniff it You lick it You touch it you fold it Well plus how fun Is all the footage Of like people dump it out bags Like when you'd go on

S&L and be like My father's a homo And they go they just pour out email and you can swim in the mail and then you get sober and you start going through the fan mail you flush the pills down the toilet

and you're like all right let me see what everyone thinks about me and they wrote I'm writing you from San Quentin I want to fuck your dad he always heard about that Ringo read every fan letter you're like how could he do that it's thousands upon hundreds of thousands of letters

well he definitely got the least amount of letters in that group that's true but I mean like he gave his runoff pussy trumps anything we're going to get. That's true. I don't get any pussy. I've got no pussies. I mean, I get my wife's pussy, which I love. I'm thrilled about the pussy. That's a pussy. I love the pussy.

Big grab him by it. Yeah. I wrote another thing. How about this? Now, how about this for, I'm going to do, this is the first in the history of Tuesdays with Story's Stories. I'm just going to go ahead and tell somebody else's story because I'm dry as a bone. Wait a minute. But I was so close to the story that I'm constantly. commandeering the story. Are they cool with it?

Yeah. All right. I think rain is easy. There's a similar thing, and it didn't end well. So today, this is today, I'm walking. I live in Battery Park City over there, right on the Hudson River. It's as beautiful as the day is long. You can't believe it.

Very lovely area. So I'm hanging out with the Bambino. My wife meets up. We're hanging out, the big three. It's you and me, and the baby makes three tonight. So we're walking around. There's always this Asian fella fishing. He's the only guy fishing.

There's one old, crusty man. He's got three fishing rods. the river. Ah, a lot. I don't know where, why, what he's fishing for. Compliments. And every time my wife goes, what do you catch in the Hudson River? And I'm like this, why don't you Google it?

Hmm. I'm like, you've said that 750 times. What are they catching here? You'd think after the 751st time, you'd go, let me see what's in the Hudson River. That's marriage for you. So today, I'm sitting there, and Marty's two now. So he's what's that, what's that sound? All day, every day, what's that sound?

What's that sound? What's that sound? Interesting. So he goes, what's that? I'm like, it's a fishing rod. Just like in your book. Okay, what's that? That's also a fishing rod. What's that?

That's a fishing rod. Fishing rod Woodson. I don't know what to say. So then we walk down. He likes throwing the acorns into the river. So we're throwing acorns in the river. It's very fun. I look at the time.

Whoa, man, it's Mickey. I got Bennington at 12 o'clock. It's 11.20. I lost check in time. Geez. Throwing stones. So I go, shit. I got to go.

I love you. Kiss him on the lips. her and the pussy. I got to jog because I'm late. Yeah. I'm jogging away. I'm not 100 feet away. It's Sarah. Well, what the fuck's this? I just left. What she already texted me about? Uh-oh. The guy caught a shark.

This is a commodeer. This is your story. I mean, it's my story, but I wasn't there for it. I missed it. I guess it's my, what do you call? Perspective. Shark tank. And you have this moment. I'm like, should I run back? There's a shark on the line? This old man is standing here. Every fucking

day with three rods. I've never seen one bend, not a seaweed, not a tee. Wow. Smile, you son of a bitch. So, um, never says bitch. So I'm sitting there, fun fact. So I'm sitting there and I go, should I turn around? Should I blow off Bennington? I want to see a shark. I've never seen this guy

do anything. I feel like you're allowed to be late on a shark account. Well, it makes me sick to be late. So I'm running through the park. I get the thing, I'm like, what a shark? And she's like, I think it's a great white. It's crazy. She said it's like, this law, it's a foot and half long. It's gray. It doesn't have teeth

it. It's like a baby shark, shark, shark. Wow. And I guess all these ladies start going, you got to put that back. That's a baby. Let go. And he doesn't speak any English because Sarah's going, what kind of shark is that? And he's just looking like, I don't know. I don't know. I've got no shock. Like he doesn't speak any English. So the ladies

are like, put it back. You piece of shit. And he's like, he thinks they're like, we want to blow you. He has no idea. He has no idea what they're talking about. These ladies, because they're like, hey, that That shark will kill you, lady. Like, it's kind of the same with the minorities. They're like, be nice to him.

I'm like, he'll kill you. I got that. Well, so then Marty's going, big shark. He's like, yeah, it's crazy. Oh, what's that noise? I mean, this kid, all he does is read shark this, shark that, shark nato, touch the sharks, the sleepy shark. Shark week. So he's seeing a shark in Manhattan.

Whoa. I miss the Manhattan sharks. We're very diverse. What's the deal with the Manhattan shark? Wow. A shark did Sarah get a click-click photo? You know, I didn't ask. Oh, you got to see the show.

We've got to post the shark. It's a great point. All she does is look at fucking TikTok, and now there's a baby shark, great white, or a mediocre white. That's me. And didn't get a phone. I missed it by three minutes. Oh, my God. Kim Jong Finn.

That's not bad. Yeah. Kim Jong Jaws. Kim Jong Un Momento. Yeah, but wow. Yeah, so she saw a shark. I pulled a shark, and she's like, I'm telling you, it was a great white. It was smooth and gray and long with the fin.

Wow, Shark Norman. I mean, this is unbelievable. And I can't believe you've got to get a picture of that with Marty in there. Google Baby Great White Hudson River, Asian guy, ladies yelling at him. Yeah, yeah. Just the first part. But what is, I don't know what a baby Great White looks like, but she was, and she does not usually a big communicator, but it was just text, text, boom, boom. Whoa, he caught a shark.

I mean, did you bring it up to Bennington? No, no, we were talking movies. I see. But I fucking, I missed it. That is really cool and good for Marty. He got to see a shark. Got to see a shark. That's once in a lifetime.

Do you see there were dolphins in the East River last week? Really? Yeah, that's probably why the sharks are there. Oh, maybe. Eat the Dolph, Lundgren. Let me see this. There it is. Caught a baby shark on the Hudson River.

There it is. Holy shit. Yeah, that's exactly what she saw. Oh, that's cute. That's a different spot, but... Did he have a tattoo? I don't think he has a tattoo. This looks like a white guy.

I mean, look at that. Wow. Baby Shark on the Hudson. So they're out there, Jerry. Wow. Well, they probably could eat all the Italian mob killings. But all I can think is, I'm going to Tuesdays with stories. I got nothing.

We're doing episodes two days in a row. I'm sitting there like an idiot without a piece of cake. I leave, and immediately a shark gets pulled out, and there's a whole cultural war going. Wow. You got to put that back. Fuck you. What kind of shark is it?

My son's yelling baby shark. I miss the whole thing. Women are fascinating to see a shark, and that's where your brain goes. That's a very lady thing because they're very compassionate. They're nurturing. They want to help. Right. I would go, let's get a photo and then eat it.

Right, right. You know, that guy's making shark lo main right now. There's no doubt about it. I would just be like, I hope it bites somebody. Sure, sure. You know, grab the kid and move back. But you're hoping, you want to see a shark. bite. I guess so, yeah.

And as far as shark bites go, that's not going to kill you. You know, there's quint. He's squint. Hey. Is that something? I like it. I like it. I don't know. All right. That was too far probably. That was it bad. It's got a little dicey. By the way, how long were you out here? Because I feel like we've been

on for three hours. Oh, 58 minutes. Oh, hey. I had a spidey sense that we were getting close to the end. Yeah, boy, that was jaws four. Did they go four? Oh, there's more than four jaws. What are you crazy? Where are we at with Jaws? It's at least, well, three is the water park.

Wait, wait, he was in a water park? Oh, yeah. They jumped the shark, ironically. They jumped the shark, yeah. I mean, Godfather, three. Four. Plus four, okay, Shark five. Not bad.

Jaws five. You know what? People didn't like, people gave me shit, but I love the Australian shark movie. Did you watch it? Open water? No, the new one I was talking about on the show. Barbarian. He doesn't listen to the show.

No, what's it called? He's listening to a fucking. Dangerous animals. Dangerous animals. It's a wacky, I saw the premise. I turned it off. Great premise. It's a serial killer that, it's an Australian serial killer who feeds his victims to sharks.

Yeah, it's a little much. That's a great premise. Well, that Asian guy's next. What do you like about the premise? Good premise. This felt a little too forced. Forced. You got to get a shark.

You got a, you got a... Well, he doesn't own the shark. Oh, I thought he owned it. No, no, he fucking dangles them in. He chums. He throws the blood in the shit. Oh, okay. He makes him up to a thing.

What do you call that? Harness. Harness. And then he lowers them in. And the sharks naturally eat them. It's Australia. They eat fucking people left and right. That's true.

It's wild over there. I was picturing a Dr. Evil guy with a tank. And he's like putting a lady in like, he-he-he-he-he. No tank. Okay. Thanks for nothing. That's not snowflake.

Where are you going to be, Faddy? I don't know. When does this come out? I'm going to be in D.C. Improv. One of the great clubs of all time. Chocolate Cittat. D.C.

So. black. I thought it's just for Duck Capital. And then I'll be in New Brunswick at the Stress Factory. And then December I'm doing... Oh, Louisville. Having done Louisville in years. Slugger.

Ten years, I think. And I think I'm opening for Louis in Vegas one night. Oh, Louisville and Louisville. That's good. And then Tom Dusted Portrait of a comedian. It's out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it. People are out there. You can get it for $6.00. You can

get the bundle package for $9. That includes a commentary, an extra comedy special of mine. Whoa. Q&A with Bennington, another Q&A with Tony V. Whoa. Get the $9 package. It's great. Small ball is on there.

I keep forgetting to promote it. I stop promoting things. I'm an idiot. That's going to, it's right on the edge of a mill. It's going to tip over at some point. Yeah, we're getting there. And, yeah, that's it. Patreon.

For it's sake, join the Patreon. Yeah, I don't know when this comes out either, but I'm going to just throw out Europe, Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm, and Dublin, Baltimore, D.C. as well, stress factory as well, and San Diego and Minneapolis. I'm doing a casino. So come on out, bring the Muslims, bring the Somalis, bring the Tamales, and we'll do it up. You got any plugs, Rup? Yeah, if you're interested, check out my podcast, reviewing history. We watch movies based on true stories and, you know, crack jokes. It's fun.

That's fun. Sounds damn. All right. Hopefully you won't ask us. But yes, thank you, folks. We'll see you in hell. And praise that long, we put it up on the end.