Tuesdays with Stories! - #628 Saga Genesis

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

Joe has a new gay housecleaner! Mark starts a new business venture! Mark gets into a toll both jam and then has the best set of his life! Joe has an electric emergency in L.A.! It’s Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and shop SKIMS Mens at https://www.skims.com/tuesdays - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/TUESDAYS #chubbiespod - Head to https://www.drinkag1.com/TUESDAYS to get a FREE Welcome Kit, including a bottle of Vitamin D and free AG1 Travel Packs when you first subscribe! That’s https://www.drinkag1.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

My radio is spitting at me. And I can't choose what I'm going to say. We're here. We're back. Oh, my God. My mom's upstairs. My baby's gay. We're all over the place.

I know. It feels like a kid again. We're in the basement smoking weed. Well, your mom's here. And then we went upstairs, and she said, I can hear every word. Did she say every word? That's exactly what she said. I heard every word of her saying, I can hear every word.

And we had had a seven-minute conversation. about how I can't face her alone. That's true. And I was like, what are you crazy? I can't talk to some old bag. And you were like, well, she sucks. She can hear us. Oh, I might have to go low.

Can you up the volume later and post? We'll just talk low. Well, I think people talk like this on podcasts. We're particularly loud. I think if you put on, you know, Ira Glass or... Good boy, NPR. Yeah, I think they talk like this. Doon, do, do, do, do, or that...

All things considered. New York Times thing. The Daily. People like that one. The Daily Wire. Yes. Well, geez, I'm all self-conscious. Every word.

Yeah. I mean, I actually can't even think of a worse thing that having your mom hearing every word. And we already went crazy. We were already down here just, luckily, we didn't talk sex. That's true. But she must know a lot about Riyadh. Yeah, I guess so. But I will say that.

The pod is public. Like, our moms could both just go, oh, my God. What's the hell happen to that giz? Well, first of all, it's so much different to have people hear a finished product. I mean, I don't want my family listening to the podcast either, but, like, as it's happening, because, like, if she listens later, I'm not going to see her immediately after she finishes listening. Where this time, we're going to finish, and we're going to walk up there. Yeah. I might bust out the window, like the cowardly lion.

Yeah, you could go, hey, Kool-Aid. Oh, wait, that's Rupert. Hey, no Rupert jokes. Ace Freely died last night. He's wearing a red shirt, I had to say something. I know, but is his hero, Ace Freely, R-I-P, 74 years old, fell off a ladder. Finally, the music god stepped in and put an end to this bag of shit. Well, it's been the farewell tour for 68 years.

We got enough Ace Freely. Beat it. I'm kidding, of course. I love Ace Freely. We love Kiss. Jim Norton, I mean, I can't imagine. He must be rolling around in the mud by himself. really crying over some tranny porn.

But, yeah, I... Oh, the baby's crying. That helps us out. Hopefully he cries for one straight hour. That'll be perfect. I never occurred to be. Tim Hortons is very close to Jim Norton's. Ah.

That's the kind of stuff I think about. Interesting. No one else is coming up with Jim Horton, Jim Norton's Tim Horton's. Tim Horton. I like it. That's big. That's his Canadian brother. Wait, I had some.

Oh, when you heard about Ace Freely, I picture him falling off the ladder in the makeup. Did you picture the makeup on? I got to say, I just saw a photo of him with no makeup. Is he Asian? What is his deal? He looks Hawaiian. No.

I'm telling you, this guy looks Hawaiian or Asian or something. He's got long black hair and squinty eyes. Asians can't rock like that. I'll show you. Hold on. All right. Everybody Wang Chung tonight. Wow.

Ace Freeery. That's news to be. Hold on. I'll show you the exact photo. Oh, yeah. He does look kind of Asian. Yes. I'm looking out right now.

He looks Asian. Wow. I thought it was Tommy. Chong. Let me see. Which is an Asian name, by the way. Why isn't Tommy Chong Asian? He is Asian. Is he? Yes. He doesn't look Asian. He's Mexican and Tommy Chong is Asian. Whoa.

He just blew my mind. There we go. Look it right here. Tommy, that's not an Asian. That is Aoki. Oh, I'm sending this to you. You've got to put this in the video. Yeah, look, he's part Asian. Oh, my Lord. Now I really hate the band. I had no

idea. I mean, almost to me. Oh, man. I'm sending this to Chuck. Rupert, I don't have your number. Please do. I bet it's just like 14 digits. Nothing? That's a big, because you're big. That's a fat joke.

I see. I'm sorry. I'll start. You look good, by the way. I'm serious. All right. Not good. Better. Better. Yeah, certainly not good. By the way, can I ask you a question? What kind of pants are they? Did Fabletics? Fabletics, baby. What are these people? This is it too.

I got a 48-pound box. Fagletics. It's unbelievable. Are they our new people? I guess so, but they are sending in the goods, and I'm not complaining. See that big box hanging out of my garbage? Yeah, that's fab, baby. I got the same box. It's on my wife, but

I couldn't believe it. I actually thought they sent all the clothes to me, and I was going to just lie. Oh, I thought the same thing. I was going to be like, well, he doesn't need to know. He's got plenty of money, plenty of clothes. But, dude, Fabletics, Fabletics, fabulous. Unbelievable. And

we have a cleaner at our house right now. I've got to tell you about this cleaner. Oh, cleaner, huh? Big gay. Not Tuesday. Just gay gay gay. Just a gay cleaner. Well, he comes over, and I don't want to say too much

because this could get back to him, but he's awesome. I mean, I haven't seen the finished product. There it is as well. Oh, yeah, I'm wearing fabuletic socks. Fagletics. Underwear, everything I got, the Oakland Fagletics. Hello. I'm in the dugout.

Okay. So, Karen sets me up. with this cleaner. She's like, you've got to use this guy. He's the best of the business. Interesting. So I thought there was like a team. I thought he was the front man. He's texting me like Ace Freely. I guess

Gene Simmons is the front man. They're both front men. Paul Stanley's the front man? Really? And who's Peter Chris? Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace freely. And they all, any other Asians? Because I don't be surprised. Gene

Simmons is Israeli. That's Asia. I guess you're right, yeah. Kiss the dragon. So anyway, so the guy shows up, and it's this weird. You don't have a cleaner that often. I don't, anyways. No. And so I'm like, let me get a nice, he offers a deep cleaning.

And he's like, I need you out of the house to do my thing. It's going to be gay code. Well, he tells me, you guys got to get out of the house. And so I text Karen, I'm like, does this guy leave the, would you leave the house when the guy's there? And she's like, I've never seen his face. I have no idea what he looks like. I go over there, I get the doorbell rings, I open the door, and he's like a little guy, very petite. Uh-huh.

He's got like a doctor's bag, like this big. What? Doesn't have much. I leave my vacuum cleaner out. He's like that, and he's like, does a, like an Asian. An ace freely. Like a, what do you call this? A bow.

A bow. Does a bow. And he's like, okay. And he just kind of like, I don't want to say prances, but he moves lightly. So he is Asian. He's not Asian. I think he's black. I think he's light-skinned black.

But he's bowing like hipster bow, I think. Oh, hipster bow. Now the bow breaks. I think so. And he's kind of looking around. He's like, anything special needs and whatever. And I was like, well, my wife. 48-pound bucks.

He's kind of looking under the carpet and everything. I want to watch him. I want to sit there and watch because I feel like he works in a way. And I go, okay, I'm going to leave. He's like, well, you got to let me know if you're coming because I work shirtless. No. Is he, Burt Kreischer? Who is this guy?

He works shirtless. I swear to God, so he's in there shirtless, and I got the baby cam, the nanny cam. I'm trying to see him. Oh, yeah. But it's above the rim. It's just looking down. So I'm trying to, I want to get a look at this guy.

And he asks for the Wi-Fi and the Bluetooth, so I think he's in there like, I want to dance with somebody. And I think it's just going to be spick and span beautiful. Easy. And he's out there at 1030. He's like, I'm going to be done 430 earliest. What?

Which is six hours. Oh, my God. But it's him solo. He puts on his ballet slippers and takes his shirt off. Wow. He slides in like risky business. I got to tell you, I honestly think, and I'm not trying to be prejudiced against the gay. What do you call that?

Homophobic. Not homophobic, but judgmental. His vibe, it felt sexual. I feel like I could have got laid. Okay. I feel like I could have been like, what do you say before we clean, we make a little mess of our own? We messed the bed up a little bit. I like it.

Well, he could clean up the jizz. I'll tell you that. Well, because he was kind of looking at me in a way. And, you know, these gays are quite promiscuous, obviously. That's what I've heard, the steam room. So, I don't know. I feel like I could have made love to this man. I mean, I wasn't that interested in doing it.

I don't know if you want to. It'll take four hours, according to this guy. He'll be done. He'll be shirtless and then done by 4.30. You'll be here four hour. You go home now. You want laundry. But anyway, so my house, I can't wait to get home.

I'm like, I'm pumped. Uh-oh. Is that the cream of some young guy? I don't know what happened. My baby spills on me, and so does my father. I see. But so I'm very excited to go home and see it, and maybe I'll recommend it. It's happening right now.

Oh, my God. Well, this is the other thing. So we're all out of the house. We have a two-year-old child. We're just, like, roaming the streets like hobos. Of course. What do you do for six hours? That is crazy.

I mean, we've got to put a time stamp on this guy, a limit. Well, I told Karen, I'm like, yeah, she's like, how to go? How's the house look? and I was like, he said he's not going to be done until 4.30, and she's like, what? I've never heard of that. But this is deep cleaning, and I think it's first impression. He wants to really show us what he's got. He's going to sniff all your panties and everything.

He's taking home a baby diaper. I'm okay with that. I want my panties sniffed. Yeah, why not? My wife's panties, whatever. Sure, the ones I laid out for you. But, yeah, wow, that's exciting. Because I like, what I like about this guy is I've had the cleaning lady before.

You get once every blue moon. And you're uncomfortable. She's there. You got a small talk. And then you're, like, trying to get into the silverware drawer, and she's doing her, you know, a whole thing by the sink. And you can't relax. Yeah, I didn't know you could leave.

I thought that, I don't know, maybe it's from my childhood or something. I thought, like, it feels like my family would be like, you're leaving a stranger in the house alone. Of course, of course. Yeah, well, it's like that Artie Lang thing where you'd get a bunch of hookers at the hotel room. And then you'd go, I got a pee. You guys have to clap. So I know you're not stealing.

Oh, wow. They would make them clap the whole time, so he would know they were busy, and they weren't put in their pockets. But I feel like you still go. Yeah, like push-ups. Yeah, exactly. I also couldn't, if people were clapping within 100 miles, I wouldn't be able to piss. I can't piss if a mouse farts. I think if you got eight hookers there, you're all on blow.

The pissing is the least of your problems. I suppose so. It's kind of like American gangster. They all have to be nude, so they can't steal the heroin. The heroin when they're making it. Yeah, those are great scenes. in a movie where you're like, oh, just tits. I miss tits.

Well, Rupert's here. Luckily. Get that shirt off. I really do. I miss tits. I miss seeing tits. I'm talking in film and on women. Obviously, I see my wife's tits all the time, and they're great. I mean, I'm never upset to see them, but I want to turn on a program and see a pair of tits. Well, when you're married, any sign of a tit or in the distance, it's like a mirage. But this is how sad I am.

these fat Portland hipsters they're doing a no king's protest on the bicycles they all look like Rupert but I'm like look at it, yams on fat whore over there and that's how desperate I am I'm like okay that guy's balls are in the way

they're all on bicycles in the rain but that hippo has got a couple nips on her we should really go to a titty bar have ourselves a nice time it hits different as the kids say when you're married maybe we bring a Sam or something

somebody, you know, or another person. He's getting late. He doesn't need it. Good point. Yeah, Veter's got three kids. He needs a tit bar. He's got that great joke. People are like, you know how expensive it's going to be to go anywhere?

He's like, we're not going anywhere. Something like that. But anyways, we've got to get into the shit. I haven't seen you since 1978. I was in L.A. six months ago. I was on a crew. I went on the big cruise. Cruise?

Yeah, the cruise. What? You know, I went on the cruise. Wait a minute. I've been on a cruise for eight days. This is like a lane when she went away with her husband. Atlantic, a Norwegian, Virgin. Oh, boy.

He hates your mother. Yeah, we all do. No, the Turner Classic Movies Cruise. Remember? Oh, the movie cruise. You know the movie cruise. Yes, we made jokes. How does this go?

Is there going with the wind playing? Is it Casablanca? Yeah, it's kind of like that. So, yeah, I've been on a cruise in L.A., but you went over to Iraq, Kuwait, North Korea. Oh, yeah, I saw action. I got shot. I mean, I've seen it all.

I got a lot to get into. Please. Now, first of all, I went to Europe as well, but we got a saga here. Okay, I need the saga. Give me that saga Genesis. Yes, exactly. So the night before or the day before Riyadh, me and my buddy, Eric Mann, started a company where you sell comedy vinals. Right.

We'd love to get you involved. Yes. So you just got to, so I have to go, he's selling my vinals like hotcakes, but you got to sign them. That's the key. Signals. Yes, sign language. So he lives in Jersey about an hour and change away. And I go, all right, what's that mean?

He goes, well, you've got to come by and sign about 1,000 albums. And I go, I'm flying to Riyadh tomorrow. It's a whole thing. And he goes, just get over here, sign them. You'll never see me again. We'll be good to go. You'll make a bunch of money. And I go, all right, I'll take the beamer.

So I get the beamer going. It's a little hiccopy. Makes sense. I wish someone had told you to get a car. I know. You know, like a dependable car, a Honda Civic, a little whatever the thing. Yeah, I love this car, but also, I should tell you, the fuel gauge is like, it's like Michael J. Fox's wrist. It's just like, you can't, I don't know what I'm full or I'm empty.

It's like my cleaner's wrist. Hello! So, the gay boy, it's never not funny. Car is not for doing things. I can't tell you enough, Jerry. Get a fucking dodge neon or whatever. Oh, I'd kill for a neon, a dart, focus. Get some kind of bullshit.

You can buy it with cash, for God's sense. I know, I know. I can get one of those minis to just pull it right up in the flower bed up here. Yeah. Ruper, you drive one of those, don't you? Yeah. So, I'll take the Beamer. I haul ass out there with traffic.

It's about two hours. Oh, boy. And I go, you know, the gas gauge is really flopped, like, I think I got some gas in there. So I fill it up on the way out. I get to Jersey. I put some gas in. I fill it all the way up. Get to my Eric Mann's house. I get in. He's there with his dad, his brother, and his mom. And they're just like, it's like a conveyor belt or what do you got? Assembly line. Yes. Both work. I'm signing. I sign. I hand it off. Another guy hands me the thing. I sign it. I hand it off. And we knock it all out. We did like 800 of them. And I go, I got to get back. I'm flying at Riyadh tomorrow. Get out of my face. I got spots tonight. So I jump back in the car, starts right up. No more traffic. I'm flying. back to New York, I get a weird smell.

Oh. Like an old panty in the winter, just, what the hell is that? That is kooky. I've never smelled that smell. That can't be good. And I'm on the turnpike, and I'm like, whoo, that stinks. It's just you. Just me, hauling ass back.

I felt good about myself. I did the signing. I went out to Jersey. I got the beamer. Weird smell. All of a sudden, gas gauge. Doing this, and then just goes, clunk it doesn't even hit e it just dies it just goes all the way down to hell off the chart

tilt and i just go stops highway whizzin whizzen jerry oh boy so i go oh this is bad i am in the middle of hell and uh i go all right let me just pray to god here rarer i got it started again i got a toll boost a hundred feet away oh it starts again it starts again so i just gun it and i get to the toll booth, and I go, my car's going to die. Where's the nearest gas station? He goes, it's not bad. It's like a five-minute drive that way. I go, okay, I just throw a 10 at them, and I put it back in gear, and I go, and it just dies. I'm stuck in the toll. I'm literally in the toll booth. I'm just talking

to this guy. Willie? Yes. And I go, what the hell do I do? He goes, well, you got to get out of the toll booth. And I'm like, it's dead. And he goes, you got to get out of here. This is like a government thing, you know. So I'm like, okay, so I get out and I push it out of the toll booth and I kind of, no power steering, jerk the wheel, and I'm just on the end of the highway, on the shoulder next to the toll booth. So you're pushing from the driver's seat with the door open. Yes, like with the steering wheel and pushing. Oh, my God. And it's a little car. It's a light beamer. That helps. Yeah. So I get it off to the side. I try again. I try again. And I go back to the toll booth. I'm like, can you radio a guy? And he's like, I'm a

toll-boot guy. I don't do anything. You don't have AAA or triple-A or triple-A? I don't have insurance. I don't have registration. I don't have a condom. I got nothing. I don't have seatbelts on that thing. So I look up the nearest gas station, and it's a 21-minute walk. And I go, all right, that's doable. So I walk to the gas station. I just leave the car there. And I go, who's going to steal it? It doesn't run. Good point. Hi, folks. Tuesdays with stories brought to you by skims. Boys, you might not hear this often, but you deserve comfort.

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buy the gas can, fill it up, walk back in the sun, Riyadh tomorrow. The sun? It's sunny. Oh, I thought it was like 9 p.m. I had the wrong image. I'm thinking it's nighttime. I got spots to that done at night. I'm going to get back.

And so I'm texting, Salak, he's like, how about this bit? And I'm like, I'm on the highway. I can't talk. And he's like, what? Tell me everything. And I'm like, I got to go. So, whatever. So I fill the car up with gas.

I get two gallons of gas in there. Rer, rah, ra, still won't start. I'm like, huh, I wonder why. So I Google it, and it says, you might just need more gas, because it's got to, like, get through there, you know? It's just sitting in the tank. So I go, fuck, so I walk back again, the 20 minutes. I fill it up, and I walk back.

And a guy pulls over, and he goes, hey, man, you all right? I'm walking. And he goes, I go, yeah, yeah, my car broke down. And he goes, really? Oh, boy. What kind of car you got there? And I go, I got an old Beamer 50 years old. He goes, I'm a car guy.

Let me take a look at it. at it. Really? And I go, okay. So he goes, jump in the car. We'll go to your car. And I'm like, okay. So we go back to my car and I put the gas in. He's like, fucking with it. He's like, yeah, something's off here. And he's like, this is beyond gas. He's like, it stinks. Something's going on here. And I go, huh, all right. And he goes, all right, I'll see you later. And he leaves. So I have so many questions about all of this. Please. Now, are you jogging at all? Is it 20 minutes there and back, because that's 80 minutes we're talking. And I'm on the side of the highway.

So I'm like, and then I have to go down the exit. I'm running down an exit. Wow, you're that guy. I'm that guy. And you're a celebrity to some. I mean, that's pretty wild. D.E. List. It'd be like if I saw a fucking Mark Ruffalo running down the highway. Wow, that's not go that

high. Yeah. A different mark and a different caliber. And you're less retarded than him. That's true. He sticks. Same hair. Anyways, that's crazy. And then So when you get in the car, are you chatting with the guy? How long of a ride is it with this guy? That's like a five-minute ride because it's a 20-minute walk.

And he just doesn't sound of the goodness of his heart. Yeah, well, you're out in Jersey, so it's normal people. It's not these selfish cunts who live in New York, you know? Oh, geez. Your mom just heard you say the same word. Dach. Selfish runts. Also, New Jersey does have the nicest people I've ever met in my life.

You got that right, Fannie. You ain't lying. Class act people over there. Good eggs, real salt of the earth. just regular old honkies. Yeah, people love to help over there. So I get the second tank in, or whatever you call it, the second gas can. So now I've got four gallons in this fucker.

I start, it starts. Okay. I go, oh, my God, I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it back home. And I get up the hill, and I see the exit. The exit I've been walking down twice for two hours. I see the exit, and it dies right on top. And I go, no.

No, no. But you can go neutral and roll down there. I go neutral, but I'm stuck at the plateau. So I've already lost, I've just got, and so I got out, and I pushed it, and it starts taking off. So I run next to it. I jump in the driver's seat, and I'm just yanking the wheel. I'm Batman.

It's like Little Miss Sunshine. Yes. You know, so I do some heroin, and I got this kid here. So I pull it off to the shoulder, and now I'm down on the road. I've gotten off the exit. Okay. So I pull it off the road, and I go, ah, what am I going to do? And I look under the car, soaking wet.

Oh, boy. You're leaking the gas. I'm leaking the gas. So I sit there, and I pop the hood. Do you pretend to know what you're doing? A guy comes by again, different guy. And he goes, younger guy, nice guy. He goes, what's up, man?

I go, ah, car ran out of gas. I'm embarrassed. I'm gay. And he goes, huh, I have a hitch. I could tow your car somewhere. And I go, yeah, that's not bad, but where's it going to go, you know? A mechanic. I guess.

I guess. And I was like, all right, all right, let's do it. Because I'm so desperate. So he goes, all right, let me go home and get it. I'll come back, hang here. And I go, yeah, where am I going? So he leaves. This is insane.

Now I'm just sitting with the car, just wanting to kill myself. I'm picking daisies. Is your phone charged at least? Barely. Okay. So then another guy comes by. Hispanic guy, thick accent, and he goes, let me take a look under the hood, and I go, and he goes, there's your problem. The hose that connects the gas tank to the engine is undone.

Oh. And he's like, you could plop it back in there, but right when you start the car, it's going to plop out again. Right. What about the gum? Can't you chew up gum and stick it in the hole and shove the hose? But it's still a two-hour drive back or an hour and a half, so it's too long. So I go, ah, I'm just going to wait for this guy with the tow thing. So this guy comes back, sweet guy, puts the, cranks it up, puts it on there, puts those weird things around the wheels.

I have to push it up onto the, you know, onto the trailer. This is a good Samaritan. Just a great guy. I get in the car and he goes, gobbity. And I go, oh, okay. I mean, there had to be something. Something was going on. Yeah, I mean, that's just crazy.

So now I'm like, oh, my God, you saved my life. I'm so desperate. You know when someone gives you a hand. doubt in the middle of your, the worst part of your life, you want to blow the guy. It blows your mind. You can't believe it. You can't believe anyone can be so nice because you're like, you could easily drive by. It's so easy to drive by. I would have driven by. Sure. But this really opened my eyes. I was like, I'm going to start being more like this. I'm going to change. I'm not going to Riyadh. You know, so I really made some changes.

And he goes, here's what I can do for you. I can bring this car to my house. And then you can have a guy come get it and I know a guy who's a mechanic and I called him and he said that's fine I live in Jersey I'll go get it on Monday and I said great so we go to this guy's house he puts the car in his lawn

I have dinner with his mom I know it was weird but she was super nice just like a classic Jersey lady she was like the lady from the sopranos I walk in she's like who are you I'm like my car broke down your son's a saint she goes he's okay

she's chopping up vegetables and she's like you want chicken. I go, sure. And we're eating chicken. And then I go, I got to go. I got an Uber for $200. Got back to the city. Went straight to New York Comedy Club. Wow. Yes. So the car is out there. The car is still in New Jersey. That was like a month ago. It's still in New Jersey, but it's being worked on. How long does it take to fix a hose? Well, the guy's like, he's like, Brad Garrett and Seinfeld, my friend. He's like, I love this car. You don't take care of this car. Let me do some work on it. I go, do whatever you want. So he's out there. The guy I got at my

house right now. Yes. Yes. He's like, he's like. I work shirtless, so don't come over. I'll be done at 4.30. Yeah, yeah. He's a big gay. His name's Andrew. He's a great guy. That away, Andrew.

So he's out there working on the car, wrenching away, and fixing hoses, and rose before hose. See, he had to take an Uber all the way back. All the way back, sat in traffic, took like, you know, two hours and change, $200, but I made it. Just buy a car. I could have bought one for $200. Buy a car. Put a car. You got a child.

You got road trips. Your mother's in, what of the fuck her name is. your wife is in Massachusetts, from Massachusetts. Sure. Get a little car. I know, but then you got to house it, Jerry. I know, you can house. Where do you house?

Houston Street, folks. No, no, I got a garage. It's not cheap, but it's over there. It's a walk. And I got in and out access, 24 hours a day. Pretty good. I keep mine at the Barclays or the Atlantic. New York is such a nightmare.

Anyone that's not from New York hears your life, they're like, what is it? I know. You pay $400 a month. month to have your car four blocks away. I know, exactly. And you've got to wind down. It takes me a half an hour to get it out. Yes. Yeah, I know.

It's a great day and cook joke. That's a great joke. He's like, I'm packing up. It's brutal. It really is. They go, I park my car, my driveway. It's my car. Why would I pay to put it somewhere?

You're like, I know, I know. It's New York. No, we used to get back from a long flight. By the way, how about this? I'm all over the place, but I'll just give you this one nugget of story. Give me the nugget. I come back from the cruise, Florida. Florida. And, you know, you have a kid now. It's like, you have the duna. The duna is a stroller that turns into a car seat and vice versa. It's the best thing ever. It's unbelievable. We took it to grease. Once they're over that, though, then you just have to have a car seat and a stroller or whatever. Is that right? So you can take the baby on a lit with a lift, but you've got to hold the baby in your lap. Right. Which it's illegal. You're putting the driver in danger. You're putting the kid in danger. And it's not like.

back roads to the airport. You're going to take the fucking Long Island Expressway. Oh, yeah. So I'm like, well, I'll just drive the car parking at the airport. And you're supposed to book a spot ahead of time, but I forgot it was a last-minute decision. I drive the car to the airport. That way he's in a car seat.

We're not breaking the law. He's safe. I feel good. It'll just be there when we get off. That's true. Back to the trip. I get in, get in the car. It says ticket, not reading.

Problem of the ticket. It's after the cruise. After the cruise. And you know how it is to travel. It's like you got a, it's a flight. It's a shuttle, a rental to the shuttle, to the monorail, to the security, to the flight, to the lock, to pick up the things. And the whole time I'm carrying a 40-pound baby. We get to the, the fucking arm of the parking garage.

Ticket not working. Fuck you. Press help for help. Help. Oh, I hate to help. Yo, what is it? Hi, it says my ticket. It's the problem.

I'll fucking wrap. Yep. Okay, well, the ticket, and I got my card here. I don't know. I'm gay. I live here. I want to leave, please. Right.

Yeah, I was I. What is it? Jack in the box. He goes, okay, your total's on the screen. Just pay when you want. $748. Yeah. How about that?

I go, excuse me, is this the price, or is this Rupert's scale? I go, what? $700 to park. $748. I could have flown first class to Orlando and gotten two strippers to blow my father. I'm voting for Zorant. That's it.

$740. And this is at the end of a vacation. The hell is that? That was Greg. But this is at the end of a trip. And also, you know, like, you go on a cruise and it's like, you got dinner, you've got to tip the chambermaid,

chip the chamber maiden. You got to rent a car, this, that, the other thing. What the hell's a chamber made? And you go back, you're like, all right, let me just get back to my life. Here we go. Yes, I made it home. I'm done. And I go, 700, and it's like the guy was mad at me.

Like, I'm got to pay. I'm not trying to fight. I go, $780. He goes, yeah, sir, you came in last Tuesday. It's Tuesday now. It's $89 a day plus taxes. If you're booking ahead of time, you get a discount, okay? So that's the price.

And I'm like, why are you yelling at me? Right, right. And so you just got to go, boo. And my card, of course, is like, the bank is calling me. They're emailing me. Like, a fucking pigeon with a letter showed up to, like, someone stole your card, obviously. Smoke signal. So I had to use my wife's platinum dildo.

Whatever, I had to use her card, so it's going on her thing. Damn. I'll pay her back, obviously. But you're just like, 700. That's what people pay in rent. And that's what you, there's nothing you can do about it. The arm is closed. Like, you can't just be like, like, you know, almost famous.

But my whole feed is people of fist fighting at the airport and fights on buses and McDonald's. And you go, that's why. Because everybody's just sick and headed up to here, Jerry, with all the quiffs and the quaff. So we just can't pay $700 to park. $800. I could have taken a $60 lift, but I was like, well, let me be safe. It'll be easier. It'll be convenient.

But I would rather my kid flunk through a windshield than pay $800 to park. Sure. I'd like to see that. That's a Texas abortion. I forgot to get a water. Damn. I can't go back. up there.

Ball Walker. But anyways, yeah. So that was a fucking kicking the tits. Let me text my mom told her to bring you out water. No, please.

I'm just kidding. What are you good? Maybe I'll have Rupert go to the sink and fill it. Well, it's all right. I don't need water. It's 30 minutes. Come on.

He can't walk by a fridge. Too risky. Okay. But then you made it back. I made it back. Let's get into Riyadh. People want to hear about Ritard. That was the night before Riyadh.

That's crazy. Yeah, so. That's controversial. So I'm just going to I'm just going to paint the whole Riyadh picture. Let everybody know what they're trashing, what they're shitting on, what they're talking about. Yeah, I've talked to Louis and Santino, and they made it sound like this was the greatest night of their lives. I know, nobody wants to hear it, but I'm just going to give you the whole what for.

Give it to me. So what is it, an 18, give this a goo. I think it was like an 18-hour flight. It wasn't pretty. Is it direct to Saudi Arabia? Now I had to stop in Istanbul. Oh, I've been there. Oh, yeah.

A hell of an airport, very big. I think it's like an 11.5 hour flight, if I remember correctly. Is that it? I think so. Well, with the layover, it didn't help. It didn't make it shorter. I can't remember. I thought that's what it was, something like that.

Well, here's the question. It's like 15 hours. 15. Now, here's the question. I had a direct economy flight and a first-class flight with a layover. What do you take? First-class layover. That's what I did.

No question about it. The lay-off is nice at that point. Why? You can get off the plane and stretch out a little bit. Yeah, but if you got the bed. you're already stretched I suppose so but I mean I'm just expressing that

both first class no matter what even if I had three layovers but if you got first class you're like oh you get off the plane for a little bit no sweat well that's what I thought

no sweat it's funny to say that because I had the shortest window on the planet I mean I had to get from the one end of the Istanbul airport which is in Istanbul

so I'm like what the fuck is going on it's all green to me. I go all the way. I got luggage. I'm wearing a jacket. I'm wearing jeans a sweater. I'm hauling ass. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm trying to make it. The clock. Which way Z, B, D, Terminal 4, 6, 8.

I finally make it. I run right on the plane. I'm covered in sweat. I take my jacket off. I have the worst B.O. Because I never showered from the car breakdown. I can't imagine it's the worst B.O. They've had on that way. Well, that's what I said. I was so embarrassed and I look around. I go, all right. I'm on this with a bunch of Middle Eastern Muslims. Good place to have B.O.

So that was cool. So then I finally get there. I'm wonky. I land at 1 p.m. I get off the plane, Riyadh Airport. Not great. Oh, really? I thought it was going to be jewels and golden toilets.

And it's smelly people and donkeys. No shit. Yeah, I thought it would have been a castle with whatever. Yeah, you'd think. Yeah, oil. But, no, I don't think the press. Prince has been to this airport. I'll just say that.

So you get to the airport, it's dingy, women are crying. Yeah, I couldn't see their faces, but I heard them. And then I go, all right, I got to, I'm so tired. I've got to get an Uber to the hotel. They don't have Uber there. They don't have a guy? They don't have Uber. Well, I was like, this is Middle East.

I don't understand. This festival doesn't have someone to pick you up? Well, they did, but I didn't know that. Oh, because I'm like, you're getting your life threatened in the States and there. I know. The least they can do is pick you up with a horse or something. It'd be nice. Yeah, give you a Sherpa, something.

A magic car. carpet. So I go, ah, where's Uber? We don't have Uber here. And I was like, God damn it. All right. Shit. So I'm like, I just thought that was their thing. Everyone here is Middle Eastern on an Uber. It's a great point. Thank you. Half my drivers are Saudi. Exactly. Why aren't they driving over there? Right. It's like going to Germany and not having a train. All right. But, so finally, I go, let me check the itinerary. It says like Hubba Duba is going to pick you up. And I go, oh, okay. So I see a guy. So I see a guy. with a curvy sword. I go, that must be him. And he goes, hello. This guy's

name is Ishmael. He goes, we have an Ishmael friend. That's right. And he goes, I'm your, your hero, your savior, your confidant, whatever you need. He's kissing my feet. This guy is like putting rose petals. I felt like the king of Zamunda. Who Zamunda? That was trading places. Oh. No, coming to America. Coming to America. Yeah. Dowls. Which he will not be doing. but so I jump in a black SUV this guy's like whatever you need I got you and he's super nice super friendly does he sound like that

no no no no he sounds like a cartoon character in a racist cartoon gotcha and he's like you know I got the guy driving and then he's got the headscarf and the whole thing he's like whatever you need brought there we love having you we're such a big fan we love comedy and I'm like okay

the whole time you're like are they going to take me to a bunker and decapitate me? That's what I was worried about. Lean out of decapitate. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, here we go. Let's see what happens. So we drive an hour through the desert, and I'm like, here it comes. I'm going right to the Hurt Locker, and we get to the Mandarin Oriental. Hadoia! Yes, exactly. Oriental. You can't say that. Wasn't that in the rules? You can't say Oriental? Well, over there, they got them in houses. So we go to the mayor, and it's a very nice hotel. Now, this is when it gets weird.

I go, I just need to sleep, and I'll do whatever you guys want. I'll blow you. I'll give you the codes to the rockets, whatever you need. And the guy goes, just hold these flowers and take a photo in front of the sign. And I was like, okay, which felt very weird. But he's like, Bobby Lee did it. Santino did it. I was like, all right, all right, as long as everyone else did it.

Because you don't want to be the guy going, Riyadh, you know, here's me with flowers. I don't want to be the face of Rion. Sure. So everyone else did it apparently, so I did it. And then I go, okay, and he goes, I'll be back at 6 p.m. You've got a show at 7 or 8. I go, okay, great. So I slept for five hours, woke up, showered, got that gasoline smell off me, finally.

And I go downstairs, they pick me up, they go, brother, we love having you, oh, my God, we get in the car, we drive an hour. I see the city, the city's crazy. It's just, like, poverty, giant skyscraper, poverty, picture of a prince guy, poverty, skyscraper, Dunkin' Donuts. Really? Yeah. No kidding. Dunks made it.

Wow. All the way from Quincy, Massachusetts. I know. How about that? There you go. Started in Quincy is in Riyadh. Riyadh, baby. How about that?

Riyadh couple. Hey, hey, folks. Two stories brought you by Chubbies. I love the Chubb. You should have bought new clothes for the season ahead. Thankfully, Chubbies is here to make sure your full wardrobe hits harder than a linebacker who hasn't heard of CTE. with soft, stretchy fall staples built for maximum comfort. Chubby's fall collection is packed with cozy gear that brings the heat.

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and free AG1 travel packs when you first subscribe. That's drinkag1.com slash Tuesdays. Thank you. Back to the show. So I get to this big complex with like an arena attached, a couple theaters and a couple little theaters, and I'm in the 800-seater. Okay. Now we're sold out.

And, oh, I'm going to fuck this name up. Give this a good comic. Christina Mariana. That's not bad. Mariano. Mariana? Man or woman? Woman, Christina.

What's I thought, but then you said Mariano. She's a comic in Austin. She's really funny. She's like a one-liner gal, kind of deadpan. Oh, I thought it was going to be like the Saudi prince. Mariani. No, Christina Mariani. Check her out.

Really funny. I did not expect you to name a white Texas comedian. That's Sean Murphy That's her And she's opening Which I was like Okay And I barely know this woman

And she's very nice And cool We've met before But when you're in Saudi Arabia And you see another comedian I'm like I bet You know

It's a white person It's a comedian It's an American It's just Oh my God He touched my leg Yeah So I get to my green room

They go Hey she's in the other room I go to talk to her She's in there With her boyfriend or something We start talking. Yeah. Gross.

What are you going to do? I was waiting for a child bride, by the way. Also, I saw women driving. I was like, this place has gone to shit. How about that? Yeah. That away, ladies. So then Bjorn shows up.

Bjorn Wentland? Bjorn is my point man. What? I know. That's crazy. Our old manager. People don't know Bjorn. That's how we know each other.

I know. He lives in London now. He's a Canadian cat. He looks Swedish. It's very surreal. And he's in Riyadh. Yes. That's crazy.

I mean, we go way back through that's. I mean, he's like an integral part of our friendship, whatever integral means. Yeah, yeah. I'm still waiting for you to show up at that St. Patrick's Day bar. Yeah, yeah. That was horrible. My car broke down.

I read the gas. Mark's coming. I'm like, oh, yeah, he'll be here. Oh, yeah. Boy, did I learn about you that day. Buddy got us that gig emceeing for Joe de Rosa. That's true, yeah, in Sacramento. I think we shared a hotel room.

Sure did. So, yeah, Rea, a Bjorn show. up, but he's like, don't worry, I got you. They're trying to get you to do a bunch of interviews and TV stuff. I told him no, and I was like, thank God you are here. I've never been so happy to see Bjorn. Wow. And they kept coming in and being like,

we have a candy for you. He's like, we don't want any candy. And then they'd be like, okay, we have tea. And he's like, no tea. And they kept this happen like 14 times. Wow. And they're like, we want you to sample some of our dates. They love their dates.

you know, like the date rape. That's what they kept doing to me. And I was like, we're good on the dates. And he's like, do you want to do a TV interview? We have a camera out here? And he was like, no interview. And he would close the door. Yeah, no way.

And I would have done all of it if he wasn't there. Because I can't say no. Thank God for Bjorn. I know. Again Christian. Still Bjorn. So she goes out, Christina, and does great. And I was like, okay, I've never been this nervous.

They gave me a list of shit, what to say, what not to say. and I go okay Are you doing an hour? I'm doing an hour Oh sold out I look out It's a perfectly lit crowd Everyone's wearing the

Tajiki The what do you call The burqa It's a sauce I think Tachiki sauce Dishiki Bill Burka I mean everyone's covered

And so you're like Well this is gonna be weird It's kind of like COVID With the mask Oh yeah yeah Are they honking horns So I'm like

Here we go And I just did my act and I did every joke I wasn't supposed to do. Oh, really? Because you know what you're in the pocket? You're like, I'm just doing my act on autopilot. Sure. And they said, don't talk about gay.

Don't talk about the government. Don't talk about their religion. I drew a picture of Muhammad. I mean, I went all in. I did everything. I would love if a fucking bullet just came through here. Wow. And were they laughing?

Was it going well? This was the hottest crowd on the planet. That's what I heard. That's what Santino said. I mean, I could do no wrong. I go, I got a Muslim joke. And they go, do it. fucking do it pussy yeah and I was like okay and I did a whole joke about stoning women

and they were like ah we love it that they hit a woman are there women there yeah it was women there wow it was insane the whole thing was surreal and you keep waiting like you said I was like here it comes you know I'm gonna get charlie kirk down here but uh no it was couldn't have been hotter standing ovation high fives I felt like Chappelle and killing them softly I'm like I'm like dapping people on the front row yeah Yeah, I crowd surfed, and Charlie don't surf, but best show of my life. And then they go, we want to take you out, and I go, I'm good, and Russell Peters is down the hall. Oh, okay.

I was wondering if there was other comics there. He's in the big room. He's a big deal over there. That makes sense. So they go, hang out in Russell's room. He's got the rider. And I go, oh, really? He had three buckets of KFC, two boxes of Shake Shack, all the candy could want.

and this British guy who's running the whole fest He comes up, he goes, I have booze Which is like a very under the table thing over there Because it's illegal So I go, I love a scotch So I'm sipping scotch under the table I'm talking to Russell Peters He was super nice

He apologized for not passing me In the last comic standing He said Roseanne didn't like you I liked you. I was like hey, that was 20 years ago It's all good But I'm telling you, Jerry, when you see an American comedian You're like, you're my best friend It's like a foxhole

Yeah, I mean, I can't imagine It must have been in such a weird feel Because you're not showing up with the comics You feel so isolated over there It's such a stranger in a strange land Yes, and everyone's on their own Like I love Santino I love Bobby Lee

I love Sam is over there But they're all different And everyone's like worried about themselves Now did you ever see Sam there? No, he was there three days, four days after I got in, I left at 1.30 in the morning Because that's what's so weird about it is I was with Santino in L.A.

And he had already been back long enough to do a podcast at 11 o'clock in the morning. And you hadn't even shown up yet. Exactly. And then I had dinner with Louis, and he was, like, still a week and a half from going. Wow. And I was like, Santino was back, and Louis hadn't gone, and you were on your way. So the whole thing was topsy-turvy. And then Sam was after me.

Yeah, it's a kooky banana. But you had Louis, he did Mar. I had dinner with Louie the night before he did Mar. Wow. Which was crazy because he was like, He was like, should I talk about this or should I talk about that? And it was crazy. We went to the, what's that restaurant?

Chateau Marmont, the hotel where John Belushi died, which if you ever get a chance to go there. Beautiful restaurant. It's fucking lunch. Beautiful and awesome. And the women, you just can't even fathom what these people look like. I mean, you watch Fox News. It's like, L.A.'s on fire. Mudslides, hurricanes, Malibu.

And then you go there and you're like, that's the hottest chick I've ever seen in my life. And the birds are chirping. but in the sun is shining. It was unbelievable. It was so cool. And you feel like, it was funny, too, because I'm walking to the restaurant. Of course, in L.A.,

you're always looking for celebrities, especially at the Chateau, which is like a big celebrity haunt. Haunt. And I walk around, I'm like, all right, I got to look at everyone in the face. That's how you find celebrities. You got to look at everyone.

And then I realize, I'm with a celebrity. I'm walking in with the biggest celebrity in there. He's just ugly. Yeah. That's the problem. Yeah. But everyone else was hot and exciting. And then you're like,

is that Gene Hackman? No. Is that Gary Sinise? He died. Is that, you know, Ace Really? Exactly. It's very exciting, but, yeah, L.A. was fucking crazy. So I mentioned it's a couple episodes ago.

Oh, you're undone here. Oh, fuck me hard. Well, I'm like 46%. Oh, yeah. Get some more juice there. You saw they took the juice box out of the TikTok? I don't know what that means. You're speaking a different language.

Juice box was the code for Jews. Oh. They put a little juice by, like, the juice box killed Jesus. And they got wise to it. And they got rid of it. No kidding. Oh, you're all conked out again. Hold on.

Hey, we're back. Well, any farts. So, L.A., so the episode... Gone again. Fuck off. Gone again. Fuck you. I think you got a bad hook.

I know, I know. My phone's two years old. I need a new phone. It fucking pisses me off. I'll figure it out after. You want to try the black? Yeah, let me get the black. Bad ticker.

See you can stick that in there, would you? That one's a little funky, too, so maybe they'll cancel each other out. All right. Did it go? Uh, no. Can't give it a flip-a-roo? You got to play with it. Tickle the clip.

I got a piece of shit phone thing. This is bad television. Sorry. Don't worry about at least I'm at 46%. What do you got now? Did it work? It says it's connected. Okay, don't touch it.

Don't touch. It's like a strip of it. Club. Anyway, so the episode, I referenced getting rid of my manager. I wasn't getting rid of, but, you know, you know, we went our separate ways. All right. So this episode comes out

on Tuesday. I arrive in L.A. Wednesday morning. Whoa, the word is out. So I get in my rental car and it's show business 310, fucking 818, 212. Hey, this is Russell Dow Ripple.

This is Peter Bogdanovich. This is Russell Crow. Harvey Weinstein calling. My agent calls. He goes, hey, we got WME, HIV, fucking J-K-L-O-L. Everyone's coming. You know, NWA is coming.

And R.E.M. is coming. Hold that easy e-come on you. Every management company you ever heard of is coming to my show. So now I'm going to Irva. And you know me, I have very low self-worth. I hate myself. I'm a bag of shit. I want to kill myself.

Low T. So it feels not real or right. Every manager, but you think everyone's hooked up, signed. I'm the biggest free agent there is. I'm A-Rod. Ace free agent. Not bad. All right.

So it's crazy. They're all coming, Jerry. Yes. I don't know any of the names of the thing. Who are you with? Brillstein. Brilstein's coming. And revenge.

I don't even know the names. What's it called? They all sound like X-Men to me. It's like Parliament and Raygun. Oh, Range. Range is big. They got Shane and Sodor. I don't even know range.

Range is the biggest. What are you crazy? Shooting Range. You don't know Range? I know Range Rover. Oh, he's good. Come right over. Well, Range Rover came over, Land Rover, and Fort Torres.

Alec Baldwin crashed one recently. Is that right? A range Rover. Oh, how about that? Boy, he's at a tough time. Yeah, I think he was loaded, like the gun. Well, anyway, so it was very exciting. But now I'm going on the road.

You know, you get away from the family. You're like, all right, I'm hitting the road. Here we go. But now I got every Tom, Dick, and asshole coming to see the show. And I'm doing it out. My act is nowhere. It's filthy. I haven't, it's not nowhere.

It's good, but it's not... Diled in. Honed, Jerry. I still got to check... Oh, is this something? How about that? Right. And now you feel like you're auditioning for these managers, but they're coming to see me.

They know me. Sure. But it is a shitty feeling. You just want to riff it up and have a good time, and now you've got to bring it. It's a different kind of thing. So, as we all know now, my phone, I think it got sand or shit in the jack. But I refuse to just go get a new fucking phone. I bought that one two years ago. It's two years old.

Yeah. So you're like, I don't want to get a new phone, and I've tried the toothpick. You get into bullshit. I was going to say that. What about like a, you know, that air shooter? Shoot that right up the pooper. I got one of those, but it's not the good, like, what's that call? What it's a can with...

Yes, the can. Yeah, I have cans. I just have like a little balloon knot with a string on it. It goes like... Oh, yeah, that's crap. It stinks. So maybe I'll have Rupert fart in it or something. Sure, well, that'll melt that fucking.

So my phone's a little fucked up. So this is a long tail, and it's not funny. But the gig is in Irvine. Oh, I love Irvine. Irvine Improv, which is a fucking killer room. You could literally drive and hit a line into Orange County, and it's cleaner, and the road is smoother. It's awesome. It's crazy.

So Irvine, you know, at night is like 45 minutes, but any other time of day, it's an hour and a half. So, honestly, you have a hotel for the club in Irvine. Yes. So Wednesday, I stay in L.A., Hotel Ziggi, have dinner at the Chateau Mamal. Ooh, this is living. I went to Jay Moore's podcast, which was awesome. Oh, cool. Have you done that show?

No, no. Well, he's amazing. I mean, he's just... He's blunted. He's so fucking funny. One of the funniest guys ever. Did he do Quinn or Norm? He did some Quinn.

He did all the impressions. It was great. And just a great guy, first class. That was fun. I go there. I go straight to Hollywood. Check into my hotel. sit there for five minutes, walk down the street, Chateau Maman, have dinner with Louie, go to bed, I'm exhausted.

Could you imagine telling you at 15, you're going to have Louis C.K. lunch at Marmaw? After Jay Moore. Who are you? I mean, Jerry McGuire, which I don't really love the film, but it was like a huge movie, and Jay Moore is like a critical part. Show me the money. Show me the more. The whole thing. Anyway, that's his first movie, by the way.

He was unbelievable in that movie. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. He's a talent. I've heard he's an odd kook, but he's a talent. He's got some great stories. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you a few after.

But so I go down, then Thursday morning, I drive down to Irvine. And I'm podcasting the next day with Santino at like 1 p.m. So I got to drive Irvine back to L.A. Santino goes, hey, can you do the pod now? Can you move to 11 a.m.? Okay. So I'm like, all right, well, now it's 11 a.m. I got to get up.

Or maybe it was 10 a.m. So now I'm like, all right, well, I wake up early, but the traffic is a nightmare. Rush hour. So I rebooked the Hotel Ziggy. So now I have my hotel in Irvine. I go to Irvine. I shower there before the show. Do the show.

Management companies come. You got to talk to them. You'll glad hand them. This is a whirlwind, Jerry. Jump in my car, drive back through the night, Hollywood nights. And it's so exciting because you're driving into Hollywood at night, lights, lights, mountains, the glitz, the glamour. I love L.A. I love L.A.

So I get to Hotel Ziggy, I realized I left kind of quick, I made a last minute decision to go back to L.A. that night, because I don't want to deal with morning traffic. It's all because Santino, that pimple, he moved the time to early morning. Getting Ziggy with it. So I left my phone charger. I didn't bring a change of clothes. I just have a backpack with like a notebook, a pair of underwear, and a book. And I'm like, oh, shit, I don't have a charger. Yeah. I got to wake up. I got to navigate around L.A. Yeah, boy, you don't have a charger. It's like beating the desert without a compass. I mean, you feel completely lost. It's terrible. So then I'm like, I don't realize this until I'm at like 32%.

And it's, you know, 10 p.m. So I'm like, all right, I got to batten down the hatches. I put it on airplane mode, low battery mode. I put a pillow over it. I came on it. It's like rations. You've got to save it. You're fighting in the Everest.

Well, now it's hard, too, because you just, I just had a long night, Cara, everything, and people are texting you. Which man do you do you think? It was great to meet you. It was good to see you. What do you,

your wife text you, whatever, and you want to watch porn, you want to look at your neighbor on Instagram. So you're like, want to see the gay cleaner. So then I'm like,

all right. So then, speaking of my neighbor, Karen Finn is in town. Randomly. She's got a charger. I swear, it was random. So I tell her,

can you bring a charger over? But she's got the, quote, new one. Even though the phone is two years Oh, the new one. And everyone acts like, I'm a fucking pilgrim. This guy.

That's the newbie. Yeah, that's the new one. Yeah, I hate this guy. Me too. The flat whatever. Flat earth. And people act like, you still have that charger? I know.

This is the iTunes 14. It's only two iPhones ago. Exactly. I have an HD camera and 48,000 pounds of storage. Yes. Anyway, so I go, all right, she goes, let's work. We'll do a workout class at 730. AM, your fat piece of shit.

And I go, all right, I'll work out. I'll keep the phone save. She comes. She doesn't bring a charger. Oh, my word. And she goes, they'll have one at the desk. So I go to the desk at Equinox. I go, hey, can you get me a charger? No, they only have the new one. Oh, what is this? It's all

you're walking around with a VCR. That's how I feel. They're like, you got that one. Jesus Christ. So I'm at 8%. It's like when people gave you shit about the vaccine. You know, you go, I got the Johnson Johnson. whoee, what are you gay? You're like, I don't know. That's what they gave me.

Now they give you shit about any vaccine. You got vaccine in your piece of shit. I'm like, I thought we were all doing it. What do you want me to do? I regret it. I'll be fine. Okay. So anyways, I go, take the workout class.

I'm a sweaty mess. I go, okay, I'll see you later. Yeah. So now I got to get to Burbank, but I'm on 8% battery. And now I'm doing this thing. I'm like, all right, well, I can get myself to Burbank. I know the city well enough, but I don't know where he fucking lives or whatever. You can do that without a GP?

Yeah, you get in the Hollywood Hills, you take a left, boom, boom. That's impressive. Well, thank you. So, but I need to get there. So then, across the street from Equinox, there's a federal FedEx store. Yes, yes, X. And I go, okay, I bet FedEx, they must sell charges. I go into FedEx, because that's my only option.

Don't they have a bodega? I guess it's L.A. Bodegas have the shitty ones. It's like a piece of shit, red one. Well, I go to FedEx, like my cuck. I go to FedEx. There's one lady, and now I'm running behind. Because I had to shower, I worked out, and I don't have directions, I've got to go back to the house, get my car, it's valet, so it takes forever.

So I'm like, I'll just run in, get a quick charger, put it in the car. I go in the FedEx store. There's one lady ahead of me. She's trying to overnight a package to India. Ah, Riyadh. And the lady goes, yeah, okay, we can have it. I'm just holding a charger. All I want to do is buy this $10 charger and be on my way.

This lady's got a big box with bows on it and bullshit. Yes, so can you do that? up, okay, we can get there Monday morning. Monday morning, are you crazy? I need this there in the morning. It's India, you weirdo. And Santino pointed out, it's already tomorrow.

It's like 16-hour flight and 14 hours ahead. I'm like, how do you think this is going to get there? Yeah, what are you crazy? Is your face at Mecca? And she goes, is there anyone that does it faster? And the lady's like, I mean, we're FedEx. She's like, you try DHL.

And I just want to go, are you on of your fucking mind? How would you think this would even be possible? Unless there was a rocket going up Sunset Boulevard, how the fuck is he going to get there, you coos? So they start arguing, and I kind of gave a look to the lady, and I'm like,

do this, and she's like, let me take care of this gentleman. Okay, I love to take care. So I go, I just need this charger. I buy the charger. I get in the car. Here we go. I plug it in, nothing. It falls out. It's just flimsy, floppy bullshit. Oh, you got the big

vagina with the little dick. So it just sucks. It's just nothing. So I stick with 1%. I'm like you. I roll into the podcast studio on fumes, but battery. Battery fumes. Yeah, right. But you feel like your canteen is dry. I'm like, I'm fucked. So I do the podcast, I'm like, he'll have a thing. He better. He's got a couple, but the jack is all jacked. You got a bad jack. No good. It's a terrible Jack. Nicholson. He's not so great himself. That's my point. So I plug it in. It doesn't work. Finally, I finish the podcast. I go to CVS. I buy a second fucking thing. Okay. This one I can get in. It's on my dashboard just right. I can't move. I get it up to like 9%. I put the car in reverse. It turns off. So I'm like, I got to get home. The other thing is

I did this workout class, so I'm covered in sweat. I'm so wet. I don't have a backup shirt. So I show up soaking wet with no phone. It's like L.A. has just destroyed me. Completely. So now I've bought two effing phone chargers. I forgot your mother's listening. So I now I bought two phone chargers. And we totally forgot. I forgot. He said cuss.

Oh, boy. So anyways, I bought two phone chargers. I finally make it all the way back down to L.A. Now it's Friday night. I shower. And there's three management companies all coming to watch the show. Oh, my God. And one guy's like, hey, can I come, can we have a coffee after?

And the other person is like, can we have dinner after? And then another company just came in. in the green room. So then they're all like, where is he? We came all the way down here. So now this is like the most awkward experience of my life. I got Luke Monas, the MC, who was a nice boy, and three different management companies.

They each have like an intern and a secretary and another guy. So there's like nine people. It's like a gang bang and you're the only woman. Yes, it's like a reverse Pukaki like I always wanted and I'm trying to like maintain eye contact with all of them. Oh my lord. And they're just openly

fighting over you? Yes. And I just know me as like, pick my nose and eat it from Conley's school in 1986. I never ate my boogers. That's disgusting. But you know what I mean? I agree. But you're just like, what are you guys doing here? But also you want your road buddy time. Of course.

I got Monis just sitting there and I'm dying, Jerry. And they're all like, what do you want to do? And so I'm trying to be like, I would like to make movie. I'm trying to talk to all these people and I can feel their awkward with this person and that guy. And it was a whirlwind. I feel like a hot chick. It was the

First time experiencing what it must be like to be a hot girl. Yes. And you just want to go, just give me the shittiest guy. I just want to get this over with. Who's going to make me the most money and then leave? Or anybody, for God's sake. Sure. Well, who'd you go with?

I just had the first meeting today. Oh, wow. I talked to all of them, and I seriously feel like a princess where they're like, we want to the crown. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I'll make a decision later. Right. And then I'm scared I'm going to get duped.

Like, I'm in a meeting with the management company. They're like, this is what we'll do for you. just be in touch, and I'm like, well, I've got to meet with other people. Exactly. And they're like, okay. Well, they know it's awkward, but they know if we don't, if we're the ones who don't show a face, he'll just go with that guy. Right.

So they kind of have to do it. It's pretty brutal. Yeah, and someone was like, I think it was Luke, was like, get as much free shit as you can right now. You should be asking for tickets to games, concerts. They're all trying to get you. Good point. That's like a woman.

Get the dinner. Yeah, exactly. So it's a weird spot. And it was very excited. Anyways, the weekend was great and fun. Tuesdays galore, and it was awesome, and I just love L.A. I obviously have more, but we'll get to it another time. I've got to talk about the crews, but we'll tease it all for now. You know who I would go with? Well, two things. I need your input.

Well, two things. If I was a manager and I knew about comedians, I would go, this has got to be super awkward for you. Plus, you probably want to hang out with your buddy. I'll go out of the green room. We'll talk later. I go, I'm signing with that guy. Right. That's a good point, because, yeah, a lot of them just were there, and they're all nice people. Yeah, yeah. They're just a little out to lunch. But also, aren't you glad? What a win to be on your side. Right.

Like, imagine that's your job. You have to go into a green room with a guy you don't know and be like, we're going to get this guy. We need this guy. We need this guy to get, we need his 10%. Right. You're the 90 guy. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

That's pretty good. Aren't you so glad you're on that side of the room and not the other one? I guess so. I mean, as awkward as it is, it would suck to be the guy going, all right, we have no talent. He does. He's doing pretty well. Let's mooch.

The whole job is to mooch. But it's so much pressure because the whole thing is like, oh, no one fucks up like lists. You had that manager, you're that manager, this manager, you did this wrong. So now it's like, I got to really get the guy, but then you get the big guy, but the big guy doesn't pay any attention. Or you get the little guy, but they're too little to do anything. Exactly. So what about the middle guy? Like, well, the middle guy fucked a woman, the hard.

ones. Exactly. I can't believe your mother can hear this. This is horrible. I know. All right, we've got to wrap up

for God's sakes. We've got a bonus to do. Oh, boy. The bonuses are wild too. I know. We've got to get the soundproof eggshell bullshit.

Oh, boy. Oh, geez. Well, maybe we'll do it in the closet. I can't either. What are you crazy? You could leave. I've got to live here. She already said I can hear everything.

Yeah. And we were talking. The whole, the last five minutes was like, I can't. And we're kidding. I'm happy to talk to your mother. Not happy, but, you know,

I'm okay. Oh, I thought you were doing a bit. And we walked upstairs, she's like, I heard everything. I know. That's terrible. I can hear her. Well, where are you going to be coming up? Oh, boy. It's fine, now we're whispering. I know. I'll be in Baltimore.

I'll be in D.C. Improv. November, I don't know, my phone. November 6th through the 8th or whatever that weekend is. Yeah. I think I'm at D.C. then. Oh, that's perfect. I know. A different agent. Look at Hago.

Yeah, DC Improv, whatever. It's that weekend before Skank Fest. Oh, okay. I'm there before that. November 6th, something like that. And then, oh, big show happening now that you're on, November 10th of the Grammarcy. Oh, yeah, that'll be great. Celebrating my life.

I've got to tell you a story about that, off here. Lifetime achievement for you or something. It's very weird, but it's you and Sam and Karen and me. By the way, I was like, Karen's like, Sarah, are you on? She's like, nobody asked me. It's literally you, Sam, Bobby, and Karen, and they didn't hit up Sarah. That's perfect. So we've got to get a sitter.

I've got to get her on the show or else, you know. She can host. Karen's hosting. All right. I'll do less time. But anyway, so that's that. And then Lexington, not Louisville. I'm sorry.

Lexington first weekend in December. And, of course, Tom Dust the Portrait of a Comedian is out. Small Ball on YouTube, which is also on Amazon Prime. I didn't even read this. Oh, hey, that's pretty cool. not good at business. But now you've got another credit. Oh, yeah, I guess.

They'll get people in those seats. That's something. You've seen them on Amazon Prime. It's nice to list them all. I suppose so. Chill list. There you go. All right, I'll be in Baltimore, D.C.,

San Diego, Minneapolis for a casino gig. I'm opening for Shane with my Riyadh money and his hero money. And, yeah, we'll have a good time, queef it up. Praise Allah. Check out the Patreon. Rupert, you want to plug something? Yeah. Check out my podcast.

It's reviewing history. We watch movies based on true stories. We go through and we tell you what's really fake and we make shitty jokes. That sounds great. I love it. Love shitty jokes. My mom does it. Thank you, folks.

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