Tuesdays with Stories! - 629 A Wink From A Twink

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Joe continues his possibly gay cleaner story! Mark heads to Helsinki! Joe has a beef lasagna debacle! Joe turns into a bus driver to Cape Canaveral and has an altercation with a crane, then hits the Turner Classic Movies cruise! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   -  Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Get your 1st month of BlueChew FREE w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://bluechew.com/ - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

A couple ankles here. Look at that. Ankle biter. You got to love an ankle. Yeah, canckel. Remember canckel? Oh, I remember canckel. It's weird when you see a woman with fat cancels.

You're like, yeah, that's a bummer. Yeah, how'd the fat get there? Because there's so much movement happening down there. You think it'd just burn off, you know? How about the Kevin Brennan joke? You got a little junk in my truck. Yeah, you got a little in your ankle, too. Because you're a whole junk drawer.

That's one of the great jokes. Boy, he had some good. stuff. My goodness, does he have good stuff? He had another one where he said, man, when I was a kid, it was hard to get laid, and it was hard to get around. Now you got Tinder and Uber. So you got an app that brings horrors to your house. Something like that. He combined them. And then he goes, I think my wife might be on Tinder because I'm on Tinder and I saw her on there. Perfect. Perfect joke. Oh, man. Well, he's trashed me quite a bit and I don't care. Well, he's doing his thing. I don't know.

He's one of the few guys where he trashes you and you're like, ah, he's an old man, yelling at the clouds. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what's going on there, but he's damn funny on stage. I'll tell you that. Maybe it's funny on the show, too. I've never listened to it. Don't listen.

I'll give it a sniff. Don't even open it. Well, is he trashing me, too? I'm sure. I don't know. We have a good relationship. He is trashing me too, the movement. Oh, all right.

I might subscribe. Get myself in there. Well, you know, I sniff every once in a while These internet shit on comedians I'll be like, let me just take a peek at this And see what it's all about And, you know Hope you got a clear sinus

Because you're gonna be sniffing a lot It is bubbling up It's a bubbling crude Yeah, it's not good We're definitely on the back end of this fun Fun The podcast, The boom?

Oh yeah, it's straight to hell I think we're in a boom It's a different kind of boom It's a shit talk boom I guess so It's a boom boom. Good point. The boom boom boom.

Was there ever, is there an equivalent of this? Was there ever a time where, like, more popular than movies? Was people shitting on the movies? I would say rap beefs. Rat beefs. A rap? There was always rap. And then they wrapped beefs, like the East Coast, West Coast.

Great point. Two-pack and Biggie. Yeah. Y'all ain't got no love for the West Coast. Well, let it be known. Exactly. What is it? West Side.

Yeah, west side is this And then east side is this Which is not as cool What is this? I think it's a lowercase E Oh, it looks like a retarded guy pointing Yeah, I think it's not as cool Yeah, that's the west side

That's a handicap man But yeah, that was fun That was cool And I like the West Well, I guess Biggie's my favorite But Tupac was great Snoop's great Tupac was great

Trey is great And Puff Daddy I just think stinks I like his later stuff All up in the videos If you all don't want a producer, all up in the video. Yeah. That was Shug.

Shug Night. That was fun. That's a bad ombre. Yeah. Don't fuck around. That guy. He'll dangle you from a hotel balcony. Is he in jail?

Oh, yeah. Oh, good. Okay. I believe so. Huge man. Everybody was scared of Shug. I watched one rap thing. You're under arrest, sugar.

And then remember a half-baked? You hungry buttercup? Fuck you. I kind of never got into half-baked. In fact, all weed comedy. Really? Really? I just never got into.

I tried to watch the Cheech and Cha. I hate Cheech and Chao Chish and Choo. Never got it. Didn't make any sense to me. I get that it was new at the time. No one was doing weed humor. Yes. But now it's like, eh. How high dude wears my car.

Harold and Koo. Yeah, and half-baked. I just never, I still hate it. I hate the pothead on the thing. and on the hat. Oh, yeah. And these people that are like, weed, man. And I liked weed.

Sure. I was never a huge weed guy, but I like weed. And there's people that just smoke weed. My uncle Greg would always be high, but like, not always, but he'd be like a high guy. Yeah. Tom Dustin smokes pot every day, but he's not like, we got to get the weed, brother. Put on Bob Marley and pull out my weed towel. Yeah.

You know, that whole thing with the bong and, oh, man, I'm in the drive. through and then it shows him in his closet. Yes. Oh, and then there was James Franco Pineapple Express. There's not one weed-centered thing that I was like, yes. Right, right. That's funny.

Louis had a pretty good weed bit where he's like, I was taking a bad company hits. Call the doctor. One, two, three, or whatever. And he's like, this is an ordeal now and he got in his car. I don't know. It's a great bit about being high. I don't even remember that bit.

Oh, it's killer. Yeah, you just see it a lot. Like, man, last night, I got so high. I mean, and then Woody did that in 1958. I got so high. I tried to pull my pants over my head or something. So I just think it's like, whoa, weed guy. Who cares? Smoke weed and just be cool.

I am with you on the weed humor. Never got into it. But half-baked head, it had jokes in it that didn't even have to do with weed. Right. I had the Harley Williams in the shower, you know, in prison dropping the soap. and I'm his bitch, fuck you, whatever. Halfback, I mean, I think I saw it. I have no recall of Halfback.

It just was never one of my movies. Never owned it. Never did the repeat. Sure. Like dumb and dumber vacation or something like that. Now, a guy just threw a cup out in my garbage can. You see that? I sure did.

Now, other people get mad. I had a friend over and he's like, what the hell's up with that? You better put a lock on those. And I'm like, if they're putting trash in the garbage, that's a plus. Right. I don't care that it's my garbage, because I get garbage all over the south. So if you put in my can, I'm into it. Oh, I'll throw it in your can.

Can it up. Well, the thing you've got to worry about is someone putting plastic in the trash and trash in the recycle because they'll nail you for that. Put it in my ass. They'll come in and say, hey, they'll sue you or whatever you call it. Give you a ticket. I put everything in those cans. Dead body, kids, you name it. I put it all out.

They'll take anything I put in that can. But I think you can get fine. Oh, really? Yeah, my landlord yelled because Ronan moved into my. building back in the day. And he just started throwing soup cans in the trash and shoes and the recycling. And our landlord was like, hey, this is

fucking crazy. Whoa. What a piece of garbage. Come on, Ronnie. You got a mix and match. Ronnie, baby. Soon to be a dad. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, not for society, but for him, I guess. Or the kid, yeah. No, it'll be great. He's great. Go check him out. We just did Joe and Ron On Talk movies. We talked

one battle after another, which is my least favorite title of a film ever. a great title. Yeah, a little long. I like a zippy title. Oh, this guy just dropped a chicken carcass on the floor. I'll eat it still. Oh, it's splattered. Get a napkin. There's one right there. Oh, that's going to get a rat in here in two weeks. Yep. Thank you. There's still

more down there. All right. So, what's cooking with you? I got lots of stuff. Well, first of all, last week, we talked about how I had the petite cleaner. Yeah, the big gay shirtless. And Chuck wasn't here, so you got to have to catch up. have to watch last week's episode, I guess. BGS. But, so we had the, if you don't, if you weren't here last week, here's what happened last week, in case you missed it. We, I had a cleaner, hired a cleaner.

Karen recommended, chef recommends. He comes over, I opened the door, and he seemed very, very petite and just had a, I told you, a sexual vibe to him. Asian? No, I think he was light skin black, I believe. Whoa. And boy, did he. The best kind. Nail it.

I mean, unbelievable. I mean, it was a deep cleaning. And I don't know what he did or how he did it, but he, it's like the Seinfeld episode. He, like, he brushed the eye hole. The peep. The peep. I mean, the toilet is spick and span. Everything's beautiful.

And he staged some stuff. He rearranged some stuff. Wow. There's a plant in my shower. There's a dildo under my pillow. He just... Christmas came early. And you were at the house yesterday.

He, what do you call? Organized the books in a color-coordinated way. Which, as I'm thinking about it, is not ideal because it's like you have an author who has a blue book and also a white book. They're not next to each other. Right, I agree. But it looks cool in the house. Yeah. But it's not the same category.

What do you call that? Genre. Genre. Yes, yes. So it could be tricky, and I got a lot of books. But he staged, it's unbelievable. I mean, highly recommend. Yeah.

It was awesome. But I told you I had a sexual vibe. And he said he worked shirtless. He's like, you got to be out of the house. I work shirtless, which everybody I've told is like, what is that? I know. What's that part? That's cookey.

And you're like, why? It feels strangely inappropriate. It's one of those things that is funny to me. And then I tell other people, and they're like this, I don't know, what are you crazy? You hired a man? He's working shirtless? Yeah, is he a life card? What are we doing here?

So I get home. I can't wait to see. I look, it's beautiful. Now, I have about four photography books. You know those big hardcover book? They're like three feet high. I got one right to see. there. UnEasy. Portraits

from 1966. Exactly. They look like that. Yeah. And this one nude photo in any of them. It's this guy, Meyerwitz is a one of a win. He's big. He's big. And he did 9-11. It's all 9-11. He was the only for 10-11? Yeah, yeah.

It wasn't Saudi Arabia after all. Oh, all right. It was one guy. It was the Jews. Get back to the festival. So. Meyerwitz. There's one nude photo in all these, but there's 7,000 pages of photographs. One nude photo, the book is staged, it's open to the nude photo on my bed.

Whoa. And I asked Tim Dillon, because Salacuse was like, well, this is a gay thing. This is some kind of operation. They do this as a service. They clean the house and they clean you. It's the godfather with the horse head. Yes. It's a gay lady.

So I asked Tim Dillon, I go, what do you make of this? Because he's a homosexual man. And he goes, well, it's definitely not nothing. Oh, but he knows you're married and not gay. Ah, nobody knows if someone's gay or not. You can know if someone's married. They got a ring. There's a woman next to him.

You can't know if someone's gay. Too chay. Too gay. There's no such thing as too gay in my house. But the photo is a woman naked with Bush. She's like this. And he left it open to that page. So he had to sift, Jerry.

He had to go fine tooth comb through every page. Now it's possible. He just flipped to a page and it was that one. But even that, he still left. there. Yes, yes. The message is clear. But I think he was licking his finger and flipping those pages and found the bush, found the tits, and

so I think it's the dance continues. Yes, yes, the artist's deduction. Yeah, it felt like something. Oh, it's something, Jerry. There's a nude photo on my pillow, and also he did such a deep cleaning. He must have found our little satchel under the bed, which has a brown dildo, a white

dildo, an Asian dildo, it's teeny, a vibrator, the lube everywhere. Oh, yeah. So he knows we're down to clown. Exactly. DTF. Wow. The nude bush on the bed. How do you like that? Now, do you text them and go

wink, wink, wimk, homo? I don't know. I didn't so much that. But then he called Karen, who referred us, and I was like, they're awesome. Thanks for recommending. I love this couple. So I don't know what went on. But it feels like something. Yeah, yeah. I think it's just a little

a little wink. A little wink. A little wink. A tongue and asshole. I like it. A wink from a twink. There we go. But it was awesome. I'll give you his number if you want to hook up or get the house cleaned. I can use a Twinkie. Yeah, your house is pretty good. What are you got a maid that comes by? Do you think? I think so. Oh, really? Because I got fluffs everywhere, Chuck's here. I got mayonnaise on the floor now. I mean, I don't know. It's all over the place. It looks pretty good. Well, it's a little easier because the baby's not mobile yet. Yes. So that helps. He's not really eating crackers and shit. Right. Once they start doing that, then it's like.

He's eating chip, and you're finding Doritos in the fucking bedroom and Oreos in my asshole. Right, right. Yeah, that's going to be a problem because we've got a lot of nooks and crannies here. So we're fucked. And we got a gate. We've got to build that wall on the stairs. Oh, yeah, water gate. Yeah, it's gateway drugs.

So I'm actually enjoying this stationary moment. Yeah, it's pretty nice. You know, because you take the kid on a flight, and you're like, this is brutal. He's screaming. He's crying. But then you're like, well, it could be running up and down the aisle. Yes. So this is actually the best time to fly with this handicapped Nazi.

Yeah, it gets a little trickier, but also funner. That's what's exciting. Yeah, they keep saying, everybody says, it gets better. It keeps getting better. It's like being gay. Yeah, I suppose so. How does gay get better? Well, that was the old gay slogan.

It gets better. Oh, it was? Meaning like, hey, gay marriage is here now. Oh, hey, you can ask fucking the streets. Pete Buttigieg is around. Boy, it must be so exciting when you finally go, that's it. I'm full gay. Everybody knows it.

That must be a good feeling. Well, you know, I did some research for a bit. Gay sex acts were illegal until 203. 203. Isn't that wild? They just never updated it. They were like, ah, the gays. Oh, sodomy.

The state looks down on sodomy. Wasn't that a lyric for your band there? Oh, there you go. Yeah, sodomy was illegal, which is weird because I do sodomy with the old poop face. Hey, she's not going to like that. Wow. Not talking about it. The sodomy.

itself. Oh, yeah. She doesn't love it. Sodomy is low jobs, too. What? Blow jobs? I think so. I think it's anal and blow jobs.

Give it a good. I think so. In what state? All states? All states. All state. Good insurance. Affleck.

Sodomy. I went to Sodomy Arabia. But yeah, sodomy is very frowned upon. Yeah, that's so weird because nothing gets pregnant. Yeah. It's a victimless.

Well, not a victimless, but it's a... Well, if you're doing it as a crime. Sure. Let's see what Chuck's got. here. Sexual intercourse involving anal or oral copulation. On hetero? It doesn't matter. Wow. That's a

what kind of puritanical bullshit world we live in? God didn't intend for us to do that. Oh, Sodom. And Gomorrah. Right. Yeah. You never do that? Sodom Hussein. There's also Canaan anal. All right. That's pretty good. But any, fart, so I got to tell you about the Cruz.

Oh, speaking of the gays. But I don't want to do back-to-back stories here. What are you good? You got something? You want to throw something out there. Cruising Joe. Well, all I'll say is, I did Oslo, I did Helsinki. Oh, yeah, you got all over Europe. But it was great.

It was every town was awesome and got the worst flights imaginable. We did Norwegian air, which don't ever do that. That's the spirit of Scandinavia. It's funny because Norwegian cruises is like the Primo cruise line. I know. They're all landlocked. They got to get, or ocean locked. They've got to get out of the sky.

It's bad news. It's one of those flights where you're like, all right, I'm in 38 C. I watch a little TV. There's no TVs on these. All right, I'll just plug my phone in, do a little phone. Oh, there's no plugs. All right, I'll just get on the Wi-Fi. There's no Wi-Fi.

You're like, what is this? A hot air balloon here? I think they read over there, Jerry. They're no reading. Read this. Yeah, I think you get a book and you thumb through it. Oh, what am I, a gay cleaner looking for a bush? By the way, I'm listening to Ethan Hawke's book.

Ethan Hawk might be my favorite artist of any kind. I love Hawkman. I love listening to him. He's a great actor. He's a great novelist. He's a great director. He's great everything. And every time I hear that guy talk, I'm like, I love this man. Hockalugi. Well, you know about the little pimple on his record? No pimp. What's the pimp? Big pimpin. Big pimpin. Big pimpin. Spending. Spending G. I think there's one more. I think there's one more. One more sentence. The folk show, brother, jig about now. Big pimping on B-L-L-A-Ds. That's it. B-L-A-D's.

Yeah, he's talking about Osterpiscorius. Blade Runner. Well, whatever. But anyway, so what happened with Ethan? So he was married to Uma Thur. Sure was. Who's a fine, fine cup of jizz. She's about 6'1.

Too tall. She's a little tall, but he's 5-8 or whatever. I do not like a long woman. I don't want legs that are wrapping around. I like little stubby bullshit left. I want a kid. You want an amputee. But she's a very attractive woman, great cans.

Absolutely. A great actor. Good actor. But they were a hot Hollywood item. Sure. Guess who he banged? The nanny. Oh, really?

And I hate to besmirch the hawk man, but yeah, he's a nanny banger. Oh, I just made him cooler to me. I'd love to bang the nanny. We all would. My nanny's a guy named Hector, but... And she can hear us we found out last week. What? She can hear us.

Oh, God. That's my mom. But she, he banged the nanny. Get this. Divorced, Uma kicked him out, said, don't even talk to me again. The whole family hates him. Marys the nanny. Well, that's pretty good then.

I know. It's like Woody Allen. So that's not a pimple. That's nice. He left for a better woman. I guess. But, umma got fuck. That's all right.

Well, she really got fucked by the Miramax and all that stuff, too. Didn't she get in the car wreck and they didn't care or whatever? Is that crazy story? Yeah, yeah. What is it? Kill Bill. Yeah, she was all fucked up. But anyways, it doesn't matter.

Ethan's cool. He's fucking. I like him. You're smart because you got a nanny that you wouldn't really want. Yeah, yeah, wheelchair lady. Yeah, she looks like a bowling ball. Yeah. I put three fingers in.

Stey, found her in the gutter. But yeah, yeah, just a little fun fact about that. a hawkeye. Well, I love him and I saw an interview the other day where, and he might have inspired me. Now, tell me what you think of this. I want your honest opinion on this. Lay it on me, Faddy. Because I can't, I'm not sure which

way you'll go, but I think you'll go in the right direction here, and maybe you could do the same, but we could be buddy boys. All right, I'm excited. So I'm watching Ethan Hockey's doing this little interview on the street. He's wearing a, now you might know the term for this, a real one piece, like a driving suit. You know what that?

Like a jump suit? A jump suit. A jump suit. He's got a He's got like Pensacola, STP little patches on there. Oh, like a NASCAR. And he's like, this is what Paul Newman wore in Sobel and So. And he goes, I got a big road trip. When I have a road trip, I put this on. It puts me in the mood to drive. Oh, I love it.

And I'm driving up to Whitman, Massachusetts all the time. Holidays, I might get myself a jumpsuit. What? How do you feel about that? I like it. Oh, boy. But good luck taking a shit in that thing. You got to go all the way down to the cancels.

That's all right. You unzip and then you just take your shirt down and then you pull it down. I mean, women do it all day every day. That's true. They got the romper. They got to get unzipped. So what do you think? I don't know. Should we get them? I'm down. We'll do it up in them. I always love the jumpsuit. Chappelle wears one. Oh, that devalues it a little bit. A little bit, yeah. But they're fun. They're looking like a mechanic. You get the jumpsuit. You're hopping the car. I mean, sure, I'm driving a Nissan Central. You at least have a classic car. Right. No, I can't find it. But I'm not going to get a jumpsuit.

I love it. Plus, I always see patches, and I think that's a cool thing. I love the patches. What am I going to do with a patch? Nigg, it's quit smoking, I guess. You're on today. You know. A patchy.

Helicopter. But yeah, I love patches. When I was a kid, I was the patch fucker with the backpack. See, I like buttons and patches and stickers. But stickers is the only thing I collect because I can put them on the guitar or the bureau or whatever. But a pin that you stick it in you. Yes. hurts and the patch.

What am I going to do? So, what's you're in your 40s? It's tough to be the patch guy. That's true. But if you get it for a jumpsuit specifically for a ride, I think you're good. So I'm going to get a jumpsuit. This is my vow to you, folks. I'm going to get myself a jumpsuit.

Get me a small. Huh? Get me a small when you order yours. You're a medium, I think. All right, I'll take a medium. Small is like Veter. Oh, all right. Give me a medium.

Small, you'll be tearing through it. What is shmedium, by the way? You know what that is? It's a joke. It's half small, half medium. Oh, here we go. Oh, that looks like a package. Hey, all right.

Check, do you want to grab that package? Get that FedEx. Will you there, Fennie? This is part of your job description now. Yeah, get that brown package. That away. There you go to Starbucks, too, if you don't mind. Oh, he dropped it off.

I guess you didn't have to go. You get some diapers at Target. But anyways, I want to be a jumpsuit. I love it. I love this. This is fun. I love a jumpsuit. It probably makes more sense in the, in the bemer than the Centra.

But that's kind of fun. No, it's fun. It's fun to put something on for a thing. Yes. You know what I mean? I have my show pants, my show jacket, my show, dildo. What a hell, Tony. Yeah.

Showmanship. Well, this is fun. Ira Procton. You used to talk about that. Remember when we worked with him here, he used to wear a suit. Oh, yeah. And he said it was like funny because it felt like a comedy uniform. It gets you in the head of comedy.

Like, I'm putting the suit on. Here we go. Exactly. Is it for me or the wife? For you. Oh, nice. Maybe it's Fabretics. ORA frames.

Or a frames. Maybe it's sung. Or maybe it's picture frames. This is a debboxing. This is big. Yes. Deboxing? Deboxing is no good.

Detoxing. Ah, yes. But you could use one of those, too. You got that right, Fannie. All right, let's see. Chuck is opening the box. There's a big bush above it. Crinkle, crinkle.

That's a photography book. Oh, it's a frame. That must be a gift. That's the go-to, that's the new house gift. Like, you used to be a candle or a tie. Yeah. Now it's the frame. Thai food.

It's got to be. All right, throw it in the gutter. Yeah. We'll talk about how much we love it soon. Yeah, love you, aura. We love you, aura. You got an aura about you. Should I get a frame or something I want?

Boy, you are hot today. Hey, hey, folks, two stories brought you by Shopify. Starting your own business could turn into a nightmare if you don't have the right tools, let Shopify help you realize your dream. Shopify is the commerce platform behind 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. because they make it incredibly easy to start and run your biz. Shopify lets you tackle all those important tasks in one place from inventory to payments to analytics. Don't even know where to start? Well, Shopify is hundreds of ready-to-go templates for your website to show off your style.

No coding required. You got to get on Shopify. We sell shirts, mugs, posters. What do we sell? We should start selling things. again. I never was involved in that. All right, Shelby

fucking flew the coop and took the business with them. Never worry about being left out in the cold Shopify is always around to share advice with their award-winning 24-7 customer support.

Turn those dreams into Chiching! Reality, and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month

trial and start selling today at shopify. com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Tuesdays for Stories is brought to you by Blue Chew. Guys enter the room Dick First. So make an impression with Blue Chew.

Oh, I see. Guys enter the room with Dick First. Oh, boy. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. It isn't just a tablet, though. it's a cheat code for your crutch. Stronger, harder. Longer lasting, like someone gave you downstairs a pep talk

and a gym membership. Guys, Blue Chew is the only thing I can even name. I don't even know another alternative source. Blue Chew is number one. You know what? If you've been listening to this podcast for years, you've known Blue Chew for a long time. I've had Blue Chew all over my house for days.

The baby tries it. My wife loves it. I eat them like Eminem's the movie thing. it's the best and it's discreet. That's what it's all about. Give her group chat something to talk about. Oh, boy. You know when you lay it down.

They're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue choo. Discover your options at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluechew free. Just use promo code Tuesdays at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Blue Choo's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time.

head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. Yeha. Hey, hey, folks. Tuesday is brought you by BetterHelp. You better believe it. It's getting dark and cold out there, and it's time to reach out to someone. It's a good time to talk to someone,

so reach out to BetterHelp. Better help is therapy that's totally online and works around your busy schedule appointments, whatever you can, pause your subscription, whenever you need to, and switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. We love BetterHelp. Sucks getting on the train, getting on in your car, parking, finding a spot, finding your guy, going out there, seeing a person.

This is all online. It's all on your Zoom. It's easy. It's queasy. Get on it. Better Help Therapists work according to a strict code of contact and they're fully licensed in the U.S. So you know you're getting the help you need. This month, you don't wait to reach out, whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself. BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Tuesdays. That's better help.com slash Tuesdays. So what happened? You give me some normal. Oh, yeah. Give me typical.

Well, Oslo I've been before. Oslo has the son. There's more saunas than cars. Fun fact. I've been Googling. I don't know about that fact. Give it a good. That seems like the most retarded fact I've ever heard of my life.

They got a sauna and every up, up your ass, nook cranny. Chuck, do you just quickly. Boathouse. What is it? Might have been Helsinki. Sondas versus cars. In Helsinki. Helsinki.

Yeah. Changes everything. They have roads, though, right? I've been to Helsinki. I didn't see a single sauna. Oh, you've been to Helsinki? Absolutely. What are you doing it in the Finn?

I open for Louis, of course. Ah, the Finland. Two K's. Chuck's going to tell you how stupid this is right now. I guarantee it. It says it has more saunas than cars. Oh! On what website?

On what website? LINE.com. It also says it also says Finland has 3.3 million saunas and only 5.5 million people. Oh my gosh. More than half the people is saunas. That's the equivalent of us having

285 million saunas. I think we only have like 12. Yeah, you're right. They're all in Equinox with gays. At Rogan's house. Straight from AI. It says that. Thank you.

I mean, look, I just read it somewhere. I didn't make it up. It's from pblmagazine.com. PBL. PBL. Peanut butter and lettuce. Banana loose. Wow.

I mean, that is crazy. I'm telling you, they love a steam, and they also are the most coffee drinkers in the world, which is weird because they don't talk. They're the quietest country in the planet. And I'm like, hey, which way is Third Street? And they're like, interesting.

I'm like, don't you guys drink coffee? Most caffeine drinkers that start yapping. Now, what would you think is the most coffee country? I would think America, because everyone drinks. Oh, yeah, good point. Everyone's tea. We're like the most coffee culture to me. But maybe South America, too, I would think.

And I thought Middle East, because they're always sitting there plotting with their coffee. Like, oh, but we're going to take over. But I think they drink tea there, too. A lot of black tea, I think. I don't know for a tea right now. Yeah, not a black. But Starbucks clothes, crazy. I know.

There's one a block further. Oh, I went to that one. That one's a little spicy. It's a little dicey. Yeah, spicy and dicey. But, yeah, so Oslo was great. The show was killer. Now, I got hit up by a guy.

I'm going to fuck up his name. Byron or Myron. Leftwich? He's a Somalian cat. Whoa. Minnesota? No. From Oslo.

Wow. But that's his whole act. It's about a Somalian from Oslo or, you know, whatever. I'm hungry. Yeah, yeah. I'm the captain now. And he goes, hey, I got a pod. You want to do it?

I said, sure. I go do his podcast. I'll do any pod. And then... Except for Ron Ons. I gotta get on that. I'll do it, Ronnie. He's hurt.

Really? Yeah, well, there could never be anything more hurtful than you being unwilling to do someone's podcast. I mean, that is the height of insult. I will do it. He just hit me on a... I had a baby up my ass. My wife was yelling at me. My mom was fingering me.

I was in a bad spot. Yeah. I'll get it. Maybe I'll do it this week. It's kind of worth the joke, though. That was the one podcast you never did. Good point. It's kind of like when you roast a whole panel and skip a guy.

Yeah. It's actually the ultimate roast. You're not even important enough to write about. I do that with Tony. Huh? I did that with Tony and the Lewis one. Oh, that's right. What happened there?

They roast the ones you love, so I'm skipping Tony. That's good, but that counts as a joke. Yeah, that's a joke. That's something. But that was a great roast. Thank you. We'll get into that later. So, what was I talking about?

I have no idea. Coffee. Oh, the Somali. Somali. Somali. So I do his podcast. Then he goes, I got a show. Oh, boy.

And he was a great guy, super funny guy. I gave him five minutes on my show. And then I go, I got a show. Or he goes, I have a show at a club. You want to do it after? And I go, sure, I'd love to. Now, he puts me in a cab. And the cab driver, this is like older black guy, was like, oh, oh, is that him?

Is that Byron or whatever? And I was like, yeah, yeah. And he's like, oh, my God. He's like, I'm your biggest fan. I didn't realize just talking to a random guy. He's huge over there. No kidding. So everybody knows this guy.

So I'm like, oh, glad I did his pod. I'm glad I'm going to do his show. We go to my show. He goes up. He does great. Then Sean Murphy kills. And then I get off stage. And the tour manager goes, I got you food from the best most trusted place in

Oslo. They love fish. This is the best fish restaurant. And I go, oh, my God, I can't wait. And then the guy comes back and he goes, we got to go. They're waiting for you at the other club. And I was like, oh, you forgot the show. I knew I had the show, but I didn't know it was immediately after.

I see. So I go, ah, about to eat this. And he goes, we got to go, man, we got to go. And I was like, okay, so I scooped the fish up. We jump outside. He's like, we'll take a bus. Nah, we'll get an Uber. Now we'll take a train.

Bus. We finally get to the show. It's jam-packed. The guy's been stretching and stretching. I got the fish. And I was like, God, I just want to eat this fish. And they go, get in there. and the guy sees me walk in, he's like, oh, thank God.

Mark Norman. I go up, do okay. I get off. I want to eat the fish. And right when I get off, everybody goes, you got to take a photo, you got to meet this guy, you got to beat that guy. I never eat the fish. This is terrible. That's not the best story of all the time.

I hate to hear it. You should have eaten it like a cat in a cartoon where you just strip it and there's a fish bones left. Yes, yes. So you never got to have it? I took it back to the hotel, and by that time it was co-eastern. wagulated and gay and hard. It doesn't keep. And you can't microwave fish. That's like a big thing. Oh, you can't. If you do it at work, they'll fire you.

That's what I mean. They'll shoot you. Yeah. I think that's most of workplace violence. Yeah. Boy, I hate that because, Oslin, that's their whole thing is fish. I know. I was so excited. They took it right out of the river. Oh, fuck me hard. I have two ways I judge a city. How good it is is a city. You can get in the river. Like in Copenhagen, they just swim in the river and then go back to work during the lunch break. unbelievable. You just see people jumping into what would we know is right off the Brooklyn Harbor. Like Kramer. So you must hate New York then. Hey, New York. This is trash. The second thing, hot girls on the bus. You see a hot one on the bus? That says everything about a city.

That means the buses run on time. They're safe. The women aren't cunts. They're willing to get on the bus. There's so many factors with a hot girl on a bus. Or it could be they're poor, though. But the poor girls are hot. Wow. Hot poor girls. I guess I married one. Poor girls here look like Chuck. Good point. I have a point. Yeah, that's not bad.

Okay. So that's my two ways. But I finally got back to the hotel and I picked up the fish and it winked at me. I just threw it in the toilet. Oh, that's terrible. You couldn't eat in the car on the bus? It's too much. I didn't have utensils and it was smelly.

I didn't want to open it. Well, I do hate not being able to eat a meal properly. Yes. We had people over yesterday. You came over. It was fun. It was fun hang. But you just have pizza and fruit.

So every once in a while, you're in the middle of a story. You grab a slice. You shove it in your ass. You have a couple grapes. By the end of the day, you're like, I never sat at a table with a knife and fork. Yes. So even though I ate a bunch of shit, I still feel hungry. 100%.

Because I'm hungry for the dinner, the TV dinner tray and the microwave goes up. The ritual. Yes. You want the phone out or the TV on, meal in front of you, and just... enjoying every bite, but this was carrying it everywhere and all that. It was a nightmare. But thanks for having me on. Get the guy's name.

What's the guy's name? Somali, Pirate, Finland, Norway. Jonas Joseph. It was a great moment because he gave me, I put him on my show in New York Comedy Club, and he said I was the first American check he's ever gotten for comedy. Oh, wow. And so he brought me up as that, and the crowd went nuts. But great crowd.

Oslo has killer crowds. I've done Oslo. It was fun. I did the club there. Did you do the club? Is that the same club? I did, yeah. That's where I couldn't eat the fish. Was that the place with the upstairs green room and you come down the elevator thing? Yes. Yes. It's kind of in the corner. Yes. I did that one time. That was fun. And it's just fun. You go to these places and you're like, wow, there's a whole world here.

And these people are all driving and eating and fucking. And then you leave. Then you come back and they're still there. Yeah, it's a great big, beautiful world. It really is. Except for this thing. neighborhood. But I don't care for the neighborhood. So then you jump on a flight, go to Helsinki, more saunas than cars.

Helsinki was a little bit of a rough show. And one guy, I'm kind of bombing. And one guy goes, excuse me? And I go, yes, sir. And he goes, why don't more comics come here? And I go, you saw the show. This is what it is. No one's like, I'm dying to go to Finland.

By the way, I did the whole Louis tour. We went fucking everywhere, as you know. And you went to a lot of the show. Hells think he was like the worst show we did. Is that right? And it was in like a big hockey arena, 15,000 people. Wow. And it was, by worst, I mean, just laugh, the crowd reaction.

Subpar. They may have loved it. The jokes were the same. And they may have all left whatever, but worst based on our scale. That's what it is. Of like, you're not like, and another thing, motherfucker. This was like just kind of dehees and a couple of haze. Yeah, it was like, it was tough.

Yeah, yeah. So I got off and I was like sweating. My dick was inside me and I was like, who, that was tough. And then you go outside to meet and greet and they're like, unreal, mate, that was killer. I don't know why they're British. But yeah, great time. And then we went straight to Helsing. Straight to hell. Stockholm. That is a beautiful city. People love Stockholm. I'd never been. I was a gassed. A gassed or a gasp? Gast. Yeah, it was a gassed and gas crisis. And man, was this city beautiful? The people are handsome. I had meatballs in the old town, the cobblestone streets, overlooking the river.

They do a thing there where we went to an outdoor cafe. They're known for cinnamon buns. That's their thing. Cinnamon buns and meatballs. So we go to an outdoor cafe to get a cinnamon bun and a coffee. And I go, sitting there, watching the water. Boats go on by them. And all you keep.

here in his and you're like, huh, must be a macaw around here. Then you hear like, like, what the hell am I,

an aviary? And then I go up to the lady at the desk, and I go, what's up with the bird noises? And she goes,

oh, we find it soothing. I'm like, soothing. I'm sitting next to the river eating a cinnamon bun with my friend

in the sunshine. I don't need the bird noises. This is weird. And she goes, also, it scares birds away. What?

And I go, what the fuck? I got Puerto Ricans around here. I can't just blare bad bunny. You know what I mean? That's funny. If you had a little... What do you call it?

Speakers. Being like, She! Yeah, exactly. Yeah, get the gangs out. Oh, no, you did. Oh, no, you did. Believe that.

Yeah. Edward, Nward, Nward. But, uh, yeah, so that was weird. Cut to, we do the show, the best show of the whole tour. Get on the flight the next day to Dublin. I mean, I'm shitting in the Swedish bathroom. and I hear, McCaw, McCaw.

And I go, what the fuck is this? Soothing. They think it's soothing. I don't mind it in the bathroom. The bathroom I kind of like, because it's all, and then you hear. I know, but now you hear a,

you hear a, that's nice. And a bird. It's a brown bird. I guess so. But I like that because, well, here's the thing, though, America, it's music everywhere.

I'm at the fucking bathroom at the gym, it's music. The cruise ship, which we'll get to, it's fucking music playing all day. I can't go anywhere without fucking music playing. It's all shit music. And you go to the gas station, they got a commercial on the thing. Hi, folks, why don't you buy a hot dog?

So I'd rather bird noises than TV commercials and songs. I guess so. But when you don't know it's coming and you're like, it's a little jarring. You're like, whoa, where the hell that come from? So I talked about it on stage and we all had a kick out of it. By the way, Sweden is paradise, blonde people, blue eyes. They got a real bombing problem.

Well, so do I. Like, they throw pipe bombs and grenades in the street. Oh, wow. That's what the gang warfare. We shoot each other. They got Afghan and Syrian gangs are going at it. Wow. They import and export it.

Yikes. Yeah. So that was, I brought that up on stage. That killed because they're just like, how do you know about the bombing? Well, that's what they're. I'm afraid of here is that we're going to have left wing, right wing, bomb things happening. And the right's

going to win because they got all the artillery. I suppose so, yeah. But, you know, all you need to get is a bomb. They're rolling under a car. You know what I worry about? They say meat might go away. Like in 2050, they're going to look back and go, can you believe they ate meat, these fucking savage pieces of shit? It's like slavery.

Oh, get out of here. That's a worry. You think so? I think it meets out It's a theory for sure That we're gonna eventually be like I can't believe we were killing animals all the time Yeah yeah people are gonna talk like it's you know

Slavery But that's such a minority though The people that are anti-meat I feel like isn't it? Well we had a minority that thought That slavery was bad I suppose so You know but that's that's all it takes

Is a group going this is horrible Then it bubbles up And then now you got a civil war And then they won Well, I got to tell you, the baby doesn't like the sound of that. I got to tell you, I think there's a lot of problems that we're going to have to run in move before this. Okay. Good.

Because I like meat. And there'll be a black market or a red market where you fucking, you go somewhere and we're chopping cows' heads off back here. Yeah, like a prohibition. Yeah, a cow easy. Yeah. A cow easy. I think we'll be all right. Okay.

All right. Well, either way, got to Dublin. And, you know, Dublin. Dublin is just a hoot and a holler. You get a Guinness. And the Vicker Street is one of those. Did Louis do that? one with you? We did the

three arena. Oh, geez, okay. Yeah, the Vicker Street is one of these magical, it's almost like a Wilbur or a Carnegie Hall where it's just like this perfect comedy room. I don't know why there Carnegie Hall in there. What's a better one? More, the more theater.

Beacon. Beacon. Beacon is good. Wilbur, beacon. What's the one out in San Francisco there? Masonic Temple? Sure. ship. I don't know. There's a lot of great things. Winterland. No, what's the one that Chappelle did the special ad? The music. Lenny Bruce did it. Lincoln Theater? No, the big San Francisco. Oh, the Fillmore.

The Fillmore. Philmore is good. Yeah, good comparison. Just the greatest crowds. They know comedy. And Dublin is scary because they're funny. Right. You know when you're around a funny person, you're less funny? Really? I get that. I'm like, oh, this guy is so funny. I'm just going to step back. Right, I see. So sometimes when the crowd will, like, heckle something, I'm like, that's better than anything I got. Well, they got the famous heckle. You're ugly, you're not funny, and I've had it.

I don't want to say who received it, but that's a tough heckle to come back from. Yeah, that's a, what is it, the vast ye, matey? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll come back for that. Imagine that. A female comic on stage in Dublin, a man stands up in the middle of room and says, you're not funny, you're ugly, and I've had it. And I've had it.

And storms out. What the fuck can you possibly say? Oh, sir, you're... I mean, you're just done. That's the end of your career. You've got to drop the mic in a bad way. I want to know who it is, but there's so many ugly comedians. Yeah.

So it's tough to say and ugly bad ones. You're not funny. You're ugly, and I've had it. I mean, it's just top to bottom, complete. You can't do anything. Covered every base. Not only you're unfunny, but I can't even look at you. Even if you're the biggest fan and you think they're attractive and

hilarious. Yes. You're still like, yikes. Exactly. That was rough. And there's, oh, boy. Sorry. But, yeah, so then flew home and that flight back.

Why is the flight back longer? What is that? Well, going from Europe, you're against the jet stream. Ah, the jet stream. It's the reverse of the United States, sort of in a way. When you're flying home, when we live in New York, so when we're flying home, the jet stream takes an hour off. Got it.

You're going to reverse. You're going east to west. So you're going into the jet stream. Yes, yes. Oh, there's one. One thing. All right. You go, but then I got one thing to end on.

All right. Well, I got to get into this cruise ship a little bit. Okay. Because I had a lot of fun stuff going on. All right. Well, first I had to fly to Orlando. Ah. Because we left from Cape Canaveral.

So we got to fly to Orlando. Florida. And it's an hour drive to Cape Canaveral. Got it. And Musk launched a rocket the day we were there. We didn't realize. It was like shooting across the sky. I was so bummed.

Yeah. We're in Cape Canaveral. The next morning we watched the news. Like, here's all the footage. of the rocket shooting across the thing. And I'm like, we were standing underneath it. I didn't fucking know. Did it land in Australia, I think?

Maybe. That's what I heard. I can't remember. The Caribbean, I don't know where it landed. Yeah. Australia, no, that's too far. Give it a goog. I think it did.

No shit. How about that? Well, whatever. It's impressive. So we fly to Orlando, and then I bought a couple first class dig. I said, we're going on vacation. Let's live.

And this is Marty. last flight that we don't have to pay for. Oh, how's that work? Last free flight. Two years old. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, I'm dreading it. Because now I'm going to New Orleans. I've got to buy him a ticket. Everything's added 33%. That's why the Epstein Island plane was so cheap. A bunch of kids.

So it's just going to be rough from here and out. So I said, I'm buying first class. We're flying down in style. But I forgot to book the seats. So it's time to, like, choose your seat. We couldn't sit together. Uh-huh. So I'm sitting in the row five with Marty. He's on my lap. He just wants to be with me.

It's very sweet. Sarah's up there. And I got to eat second because I got them on my lap. Right. I'll hand them off so I can eat. And they're doing the, I had pre-ordered. Good for you. The lasagna, the beef lasagna,

classic beefy lasagna, marinera sauce, just like a kid like I like. And this is what the first class does. They give you one great option and then one. cold noodle giz salad. Exactly. It's like the old Regan joke. Cold fish head.

So the lady next to me, I got the baby on me. The lady next to me, she brings her the food and she's like, he goes, here you go, beef lasagna. She's like, no, no,

I pre-ordered the chicken. Uh-oh. And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry. And she's like, no, it's fine. I'll take that. Oh, no,

you ordered the chicken. I'll go get you the chicken. I'm nervous. And I'm sitting here with the baby listening to this whole dialogue. he's asleep on me, so I don't want to say anything. Yeah. Because if you make a peep, he wakes up.

So I'm just sitting here listening to this. She goes, no, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'll just take the lasagna. He's like, are you sure? Because I have a chicken. Yes, yes, he has a chicken. And she goes, no, no.

And so the whole time I'm going, that's my lasagna. They're not going to have lasagna. And then you have the other half of your brain going, relax. You're doing a thing. This hasn't happened yet. You're down the road. This is what you do. Let go.

And what is the chicken, if I may ask? It's cold chicken, cold sliced, grilled chicken with a fucking pile of arugula and jizz on it. Oh, this kills me. I order the chicken. Kills me, Jerry. So finally, he gives her the business. Marty wakes up. Sarah takes the baby.

Yep, I ordered the beef lasagna. Yeah, it says you ordered the beef lasagna. I'm so sorry. I'm out of beef lasagna. That's on him. You gave away my meal. Yeah. And there's no getting it back.

There's no getting it back. ordered it. You got to get a free flight. I don't know about a free flight. I mean, that's a blatant fuck up because he had one left for the guy who pre-ordered it, and he gave it away willy-nilly to the chicken bitch. And she didn't even want it. She wanted the chicken.

Then she was like, ah, fine, I'll take it. She was just being easy. She wasn't like, no, no, I decided I want that. She was like, I don't worry about it. You know what you're doing that sitch? You go, you go folksy, you go, don't go, don't go with my lasagna, buddy. Yeah. You play like you joke to be.

You're dead serious. I had the baby. He would have woken up, and then he woke up the baby anyways, because he was like, are you ready for that meal now? And the baby's like, oh, what is it? Now, what do you say when you go? I pre-ordered, though, Dickless. Well, what can you do?

It's not worth a beef, a beef lasagna, because it's gone. Oh, you want him to know he fucked up. Oh, he knows. All right. You pre-ordered, but I ran out. I guess I could really go, hey, what the fuck, you son of an onion. Well, sometimes you get that email from Delta saying, how is your flight, any problems, any anal?

And you go, hey, I ordered a pre-ordered a meal. And I didn't get it, Dickliss. I just don't want to be too carony. I get it. I get it. But that would have crushed me. Like, you could step on my foot. You could fuck my wife.

But the beef lasagna, you pre-ordered. You did the due diligence. Well, can I tell you this, though? They brought the chicken. It wasn't bad. All right, all right. It was pretty good. And it wasn't cold chicken head.

It was like, it was hot chicken. Okay. And I think there was like maybe a mashed potato and a broccoli or something. So it was pretty good. All right. All right. Not bad. And I'm like, now I'm like, now I'm eating something.

broccoli, which is good, so it was fine. Okay. But no less frustrating. I was on a flight, I don't know, a month ago, and the guy goes, I didn't pre-order. But I forgot about the whole pre-order thing. So he goes, what do you want for breakfast? And I go, I'll do the omelet. And he goes, ah, all we got left is the yogurt. And I gave out such a depressed, disappointed grunt. The guy felt horrible. And he's like, I know, I know. Nobody wants the yogurt. But you got to. you got a pre-order.

And I was like, you're right, you're right, but, I don't know. The Shake Shack Burger on there, too. What? You can get a Shake Shack burger on Delta. Is that right? Oh, that's right. That's due to me.

But I don't like it because I like a customer. I don't want their orange cream shit on there. Oh, give me the cream right in the face. They put you that Trump cream on there, orange. Sherbert. So anyways, it gives away my thing. Then I decided, so we're flying down, and I got to figure out.

out, how are we going to get to Cape Canaveral? I got the baby and I'm like, I guess I tried to rent a car and then the cars are all sold out because it's Orlando. It's October, so it's not a car in sight. Disney World time. So I'm on the flight

and I'm going, fuck, why are we going to do? I guess we'll get a lip, but I'm like, I don't want to be in a lift for one hour. You're in the back seat. You can't really have a conversation. The baby's squiggling. There's no car. I guess we can order a lift with a car seat, but even still, it's like we want to talk about

rape and race and whatever that's episode 80 and so we're just sitting there like I don't want to sit in a fucking lift with a drag plus in Florida it's not like New York

where it's like the Muslim guy yes just quietly sitting there this is Florida it's gonna be a shirtless guy with a camouflage underwear going so what brings you down to Florida well you know there's more saunas than birds in Florida and I'm like I can't do it

so at the last minute While we're descending, I go to kayak, which I never use. I put it in rental car. And the only thing, the kayak goes across every rental place, Alamo, National, whatever. 15 passenger van is the only thing available. And I go, bucket. I want to drive. I want to be able to stop at Starbucks.

I want to be able to get a meal. Change his diaper. Because if you're in the car, too, the baby shits his pants. You can't be like, hey, lift driver, could you pull over for 10 minutes? This is like a John Hughes moment. Oh, it was crazy. I'll go to share you the photos. So I order a 15 passenger van.

Oh, my word. We land. I tell Sarah, I'm like, this is going to be a little weird. We got to go get a van. Is that a sprinter? What does that look like? No, it's no sprinter. A sprinter's nice.

This is like, I'll show you the photos. I mean, I'll have to send them off. I'm picturing like an 18 van. It's fucking huge. No, no. It's, hold on. Where is it? Oh, my God.

Took a lot of bathing suit photos. I'm very attracted to my wife. Oh my God, I took a lot of photos. I got to go way back. You know, I want to take a photo. I guess I here to show you after. I could tell you, yeah, you can show me after. Yeah, you tell me the thing.

Well, I feel bad I shit on Finland. I just want to say we had a fish soup. Everybody said, what do you get in Finland? They go, we got a good fish soup. We got the fish soup. It was the best meal I've ever had in my life. Really? Get the, it's a salmon soup.

Get the soup, Jerry. Salmon soup with lemon and potatoes. It was unbelievable. They put a cream right on top. Unreal. Thank you, Finland. More saunas than cars. Incredible.

Then I got to the airport in Oslo. I'm Group C. Okay. Oh, that's not good. Group C. So whatever. My opener goes up ahead of me. The tour manager goes up ahead of me.

They're in Group A, group B. Finally get to Group C. Group C, I go in, beep, beep. The gate opens. I scan my boarding pass. And the lady goes, what's that? I go, it's a carry-on. It's tiny.

It fits everywhere. She goes, you can't have a carry-on in Group C. What? Get to the wall. See for carry-on. Ah, C-for-Cunt. She was a bitch. So I go, what?

What is that? This room? This room. And she's like, no, no, get on against the wall. It's my job. It's policy. And I go, okay. So she keeps sending all these people in C with carry-ons to the wall.

So now there's like 30 people on the wall. We're all like, what is this? And people are just walking by with backpacks and purses. So eventually, I just go, this lady is like arguing with so many people because it's like a hot button issue everybody's pissed and I just left

I just walked away and just kind of like morphed into the crowd that was getting on the plane and then you're in that jetway what do you call that that tunnel but it's clear it's a glass jetway so I see her like okay

bub bub she's going where's the guy where's the other guy did he leave and you know this is this is aviation This is big biz. This is serious shit. So I'm like, oh, shit. So I slid behind a fat lady and just kind of hugged the wall behind this fat lady.

Harder to come by out there, too. That's true, yeah. And we just started boarding slowly, and I was, like, kind of shadowing the pig. And I got on. No kidding. I got on the plane. Yeah, I was waiting. Like, here it comes.

She's going to come on with a clipboard and an officer and tased me. but now I got on. Hell yeah. I'm glad to hear that. The rules don't apply to us, God damn it. Well, it's a silly rule. It's a stupid rule, and you got on with no problem.

Exactly. Why is the rule there? I know. I walk on and they go, hello, welcome, gorgled, Nurgan, Durgan. And I put my bag up and I had a great flight. Well, did you goggled Durgle Durgan?

Oh, he got gorgled. Gorgled Durgens sounds like an actor from the old west. There it is. Oh, my God. Look, that's great. I mean, when you back up, it would be like, beep, beep, beep. That's huge.

That's like a mile long. It's fucking crazy. You're Clark Griswold. That's what I felt like. I felt exactly like Clark Griswold. Oh, here I am in the van. I mean, here's the baby drive in the van. Oh, that's great.

Oh, he loved it. He went crazy. White trash. I mean, it's fucking huge. That's great. There we are. Look at it. It's like four rows back.

Oh, man, you're living large back there. You could take a nap in there. It's fucking huge. Look at this. Wow. He could fit a bunch of migrants in that thing. Look at that man. You could stop ice.

Can we see that? Put that on the film. That was the only vehicle available. Does that 8,000 times more than a Hyundai? No, it was like 150 bucks or whatever. Oh, my God. Well, that's the problem. It was 150 bucks for the day because we only had to drive it once, one hour, one way.

So we get in the van and it's crazy because I'm like, I got to go pick up the baby. And I'm in the garage, the rental garage. And I have to like keep backing up because I can't swing it. I don't know how to hook it. Oh, right. And then we went straight to Starbucks the way I wanted to. I'm in the drive-thru doing like an eight-point turn because. It's not meant for the drive-thru.

It's like, it's like a hot chick. Wow. I got my ass, but I'm like, Bo-to-do-do-do-do-do. I'm like, hi. That's great. It's all I had available. So we had a great ride.

But then we're in the Swamp Land down there. We're driving the Cape Canal. It's all one shot. You just get on Route 4 east, straight, not a single turn. East side. And they have those white birds, not doves, not seagull. Crane? Crane.

Crane. Yeah, hey, I grew up in the swamp. Stephen Crane. Yes. That's a comic. No, wait. Yeah, is that a comic, Stephen Crane? Who wrote Red Badge of Courage?

Is that also Stephen Crane? Ugh. I'm not messing the wrong guy. Yeah, I'm more of a Michael Crichton guy. Who wrote Red Badge of Courage? Is that Stephen Crane? Because there's a comedian QS named Stephen Crane. Yes, Stephen Crane.

Hey! What a pole! Nice. So anyways. Crane kick. There's cranes everywhere. I'm driving the van. The van is 14 feet high.

A crane is flying towards us up, but he just didn't have the giddy up. Boom! I nailed him. Whoa! I hit his feet. It's like little clawed talons. Yeah, yeah.

Sam Talon. And I caught him and he went for the little one. I was like, oh, and Sarah was like, you just killed the bird. My God, you killed the bird. I said, we don't have any deal with them. Those are endangered in Florida. I looked out at the rear view and I just saw him flop and he hit the windshield. Oh, man.

And I didn't hit him. He hit me. Wow. He came. I was straightforward. Oh, my God. You're like Tanya Harding. You took out his knee.

10 and 2, 65 miles an hour, and he just didn't have the lift. Oh, Jerry. Did you? And I just... You got the van. That's right. And so, boy, did I cream him. Wow, that's the second animal you've hit with a car on this show.

What was the other one? You ran right into like a beaver or something in the Zion. Oh, that was Ari. Ari ran over a rabbit. We heard it crunch. But I also hit a deer on Christmas. That was 2012, though. We went and saw Wolf of Wall.

Street and it was a strip of deer hair in the my Dodge neon. They lipped away. But, so anyways, hit the crane. But then I got to tell you about this cruise ship. My God, was it fun. Crane and Abel. I mean, really? Really?

Cruise was fun. It wasn't been a white cruise. I've seen a lot of videos about these black cruises. Well, this is the best one to do. And I told you, I don't want to tell too many people because I don't want to getting out there. Oh, shit. But the Turner Classic Movies Cruise, Oh, yeah.

Best time of my life. Everyone's 155 years old. There's no kids on the bus. There's like three kids total. You brought the kid. So we had the kiddie pool to ourselves. Oh. We had the big slide.

You had to have the big slide, which we didn't discover because there's the slide, the regular yellow slide at the loop-ty, scoopy boo loo, which is very fun. Of course. You go up and it's like you've got to walk up three flights of stairs. There's no line whatsoever. There's a few kids on that one. but that one was really fun. You go up the side, whoop, whoop, whoop.

And one of the days we get to an island, Disney just bought an island, look out Kay. Jesus, Epstein. Or whatever. And it was cool. We swam in the ocean. I had the most spiritual swim in my life. Swam with the baby, which was fun.

He loves it. He never wants to get out. But eventually you're like, all right, my back hurts, my arm hurts. I'm holding the baby above the wave. Yes, yes. Take him out. I'm going back in. I swam for 20 minutes in the Caribbean.

Wow. Warm water, crystal clear, fun waves Because we're out in the middle of the Caribbean So it was like big waves, which I love first You ride them a little bit Then you go into the breakers And let them fucking smash you around Yeah

I'll tell you, I can spend four and a half hours straight Sitting in the ocean It really heals. It heals. I think about you every time I get in the ocean Because of that damn thing. I felt just refreshed And I never felt better my whole life.

Yeah, the ocean is something spelled We came from there, you know? We walked right out of that fucker. I've evidently. it was awesome. According to some people. What the fuck was I going to talk about? I don't even remember.

Cape Canab the cruise. We got off the boat. We're walking from the island, and we're looking at the ship. It's the best... What's that word of you for? View, but... Scenic. No, perception.

The best... Horizon. No, it's the best... Panorama. No, when you have a certain angle, the best... Perception, the best... Uh, Vantage point.

The best vantage point. No? It's the best, uh, what's that word? View of the world. View, but it's a longer word. The best perception, the best. Personality. Conceptual.

That's a abortion. It really gives blank to it, the situation. Perspective. Perspective. It's the best perspective of the ship. You can see the whole ship gleaming and I look at this big tube. Jerry, look at the tube. Joey.

Joey, look at the thubes. I go, what the fuck is that tube? And I'm like, is that another water slide? And I'm like, I don't know about that. I'm like, it must be. It's a big, high, straight down, twisty. And I got to investigate this. It's like day five. We've been on the boat for five days. Somehow I was missing it. I go over, I go, is this a fucking water slide? There's a guy, you know, lifeguard there. No one's been on it for five days because it's old people. He goes, yeah, it's a water slide. I was like, is it open? He's open for another 30 minutes. Oh. This is the last day. So I was like, I got to get up there. So I run all the way up the steps, and the slide is straight down, Jerry, and then it shoots out over the water.

Whoa. It's like a way beyond the boat. Yes. So I go all the way up there, and we know, we're like, the boat is eight stories high. Yeah. And then this is another three stories up. So you're way up there. Oh, yeah.

And then they have one of those little sandwich boards that said at the bottom that says the weight is 15 minutes from here. So sometimes you're there. It's a 15 minute wait. I see. But there's no one in line now. Got it. So I get up there, and there's just a lifeguard sitting there by himself at the top of the machine. And I go, hey, can I go down?

He's like, yes, sir. He's like, you're the first one all week. Wow. I go, oh, my God. Seriously? He's like, yes. And it's like a coffiny thing. Uh-huh.

Like the spinal tap. You know, the big things that close on you? Yeah, yeah. And he goes, yeah, you've got to stand in there. And then it counts down to three. You've got to put your hand on your shoulders and cross your feet. That's how you know it's a good slide. So now...

Is it a trapdoor? It's a trap door. So now I have a moment of like panic because I'm a middle-aged man now. Yes, yes, you're old. And I go, I got to stand in this thing. And now you're looking out and I'm 10 stories high if I was afoot.

Oh, my word. It's the best view I've ever seen just ocean. You can't see any land. We're out in the middle of the Caribbean. Perspective. And I go, okay. And it's just me. There's no one in line.

I can't leave. I've walked all the way up there. It's not Bob's line. It's just Bob. But my heart is pounding. Like a jackrabbit. These things are scary because when everyone there's a ride with someone's like, put your hands over your shoulders and your legs crossed,

all that you can think about is like, what if I have an itch? What if I don't do it? Yeah, right. Because the reason they ask you to do that is if not, something bad happens. Yeah, you're going to the infirmary. So I'm like, so I stand on there and the door closed, all of a sudden I've been so excited this whole time. And in that moment of truth, you're like, this is dangerous.

Yes, this is real. You don't want to be a fucking retard who just destroys my life because I wanted to go down a water slide. No, no, you don't. So I'm like, okay. And I was like, boy, I just got nervous. And the guy's like, I'll show you how it works once.

So he presses the button. The door closes slowly, like a coffin. And it goes, in three, two, one. And you watch the door open, but nobody's on it. So I'm just sitting there. I'm like, this is terrified. Oh, my God, I'm nervous. And the guy goes,

That's like four seconds. And I can't. So is a stabbing. Turning around is not an option. No, you're up there. I can't just slunk down the stairs by myself. I'd never be able to face myself again. Yeah, you got to do it.

So I go, all right. I can't believe this is there the whole time, but nobody's utilizing it. It's there the whole time. What a waste. So I stand on there. You got the best view I've ever seen in my life. Perspective. Cross my legs.

I fold my arms. He's like, higher. And I was like, what? He's like, you've got to get your hands higher. So it puts you even more scared. What? He's like, you've got to hold your shoulders up here. And he's like, okay, that's good.

And I'm like, well, what's the difference between here and here? Yeah. Death? Or is it? Right, right. So I got him up there, and it sets going three, two, I'm going to shoot my pants. Yes, yes. Boom!

And you go, you can't even really enjoy it the first thing. Because you're just eating water and splashing you. My underwear is like up my asshole and coming out my throat. Oh, yeah. And then before you, it's like rocking you, jostling you. And my eyes, I can't see because the water is splashing my face. And all of a sudden you just go, boom, and you're at the bottom. Wow.

And there's another flight attendant, no. Lifeguard. Stand there and he's not even like phased. It's like when you do late night and no one gives a shit. I finish. I thought he was going to be like smiling and high-fiving. He's just looking at me like. Yeah.

And I go, all right. So then you're like, well, I got to go again. Now I survive. Because now you got it. Now I got it. You got it down. I go back. I find Sarah.

I'm like, I found the slide. It's crazy. You're going to get up there. And I can't even go with her because we have the baby. So she passes me the baby. And I'm like, all right, go. So she disappears for like 10 minutes. Of course.

All right. Well, you can't have your spouse do it. You don't do it. I guess so. That's why I suck dick. That's why I don't suck dick. So anyway, so she did it. And I went again.

So we ended up going every other person. Wow. Then you realize the smaller slide is actually better. I see. Because it's longer. Yep. And you have more kind of time to enjoy it. It's not as intense.

Right, right. So I'm glad I did it. it was awesome. But yeah, the regular like, whoa, I'm going around, up the thing, slide is more fun because you can kind of get a little more loose. It's kind of scary. It's kind of like a friend. You got that friend who does blow, he jumps

off the roof, he fucks every guy, he's cool as shit, he's driving drunk. Then you got the friend who's a little more mild-mannered, but it's easier to get along with it. Every now and then, you want to hang out with Big Pete or whatever, but you really just his name, yeah. Yeah, but you really want to hang out with Johnny who's a little more

low-key. Yeah, Tommy Johnigan. There you go. So, yeah, it was awesome. That was great. But then, do we have time? How much time is left here? We're at the end. All right. Well, I'll just say real quick, I got to see all these fucking movies. It was so incredible. Wow. Because they're just

playing movies from the morning, all the way through the night, and we got to watch. My final list was Sunset Boulevard, which is amazing. In a crowd with all these old people. People were saying the lines and stuff, which was really fun. That's the big ending with the joke on the boat. No, that's something like it hot. Also, Billy Wilder.

Got it. But also, I'm ready for my close-up is the big ending. And then the apartment we watched, which is also amazing. We saw Duck Soup with my parents. My dad's like, this is the stupidest movie I've ever seen. I'm like, ah, you stink. It's supposed to be stupid. Capricorn One, which was a blast.

That's like a thriller with O.J. Simpson. What? They're fake, like, it's like they fake going to Mars. and then they get caught up in a thing. They have to run. It's really silly and fun. Okay. And then I saw the steel helmet,

which is a 1951 movie about the Korean War, the first year of the Korean War. So it was very controversial and fun. Then we watched sneakers. Remember sneakers? Oh, with Robert Redford? Yes. Yeah, I saw that as a kid.

Yeah, that was fun. My mom had a crush on him. McClintock, which is a shitty John Wayne Western comedy, which was the worst movie I saw. I've never heard of it. And then I got a little bit. watch my language here. Niagara. Ah, please.

With Marilyn Monroe, and that was fun as hell. Good? It was good. It was fun. It was kind of like a Hitchcock movie, but it was fun. Is it surreal watching a movie on a boat in the ocean during the day? Yeah, it's pretty wild because there was like a nine, my parents came, so they watched the baby. We'd go to a 9 a.m. movie. One day I saw three movies in a day. Wow. Wow. That's so fun.

Six hours. They're all packed theaters. Wow. That's beautiful. Well, this is the thing. there's only so much to do in the boat. It was a day at sea. So you see a 9 a.m. movie. It's out at 11. You go.

That's not bad. Hang out with the kid. Have lunch. And he wakes up at 6. I had three hours of them before that. Yep. Have lunch. You go to the pool.

You swim in the pool. You hit the water slide. I go to a 5 p.m. movie. I think a 3 p.m. movie. Put that. Come back. Hang out with the baby.

Then you go to 815 movie. Wow. What about swim? What about buffet? What about gym? I said all those. Oh, you did? We ate, we go to the swim.

You eat, you read. Well, Tarantino watches three movies every day. Wow. Which I've thought how crazy that is, but again, you wake up at 8 a.m. You watch a movie from 9 to 11. That's true. Then you watch a movie from 4 to 6, and you watch a movie from 10 to midnight. I know, and then you go, well, when does he see his family?

Well, my dad worked from 9 to 5 every day. Exactly. That's 8 hours. So, and most people look at their phone fucking 12 hours a day now. You ain't lying, N-word. So anyways, we got to wrap it up. This was a fucking classic. Classic Tudder movie.

Classic. I don't know when this comes out. Does D.C. already happen? I have no idea. November 3rd. Golly. November 3rd. Good gravy.

I'm in D.C. this weekend. D.C. Improv for the Love of Christ. One of the best rooms ever, one of the best cities ever, in my opinion. You ain't lying. I'll be there. And then Lexington, Kentucky, December 4th through the 6th. I'm sure I'm somewhere else. No, wait.

No, this weekend I'm in New York. Brunswick. When the fuck is my weekend in DC Improv? Maybe that's later this month. November 6 to the 8th is Stress Factory. I should probably learn my dates, huh? I don't know mine either. Let me go to the website. Punch Up Live. Go to Punch Up Live. That's my favorite website of all time. Yeah, November. This weekend I'm in New Brunswick. I'm a fucking idiot. And then I'm at the DC Improv. Wait a scroll through a lot of stuff here. November 20th through the 22nd is DC Improv.

I see. And no, these are all New Brunswick. This is Dallas, which already happened. So New Brunswick this weekend, D.C. improv at the end of the month. And then Lexington, Kentucky, December 4th through the 7th. And, of course, I've got Tom Dustin movie on Punch Up. And Small Ball is approaching a million views. Please.

Yes, over 900K. I'm at Lincoln Theater this weekend in D.C. We love D.C. Then we got Kodak Center in Rochester. That was a make-up date, so everybody's mad at me. So please come out to that. Falls View Casino in Niagara with Marilyn Monroe. Speaking of the anal, that's on the 14th.

Come on out upstate New York. Then Skank Fest, Nola. We'll see in New Orleans for the big skankeroo. Then San Diego, the next weekend after that at the Observatory. And Phoenix. Oh, we're doing some dates with Gillis. and then I'm in Minneapolis for another casino. So check it out.

Chuckster, what do you got,ster? Check on my podcast, Fun Barrable. We just did our big Halloween special we do every year, live from a porch where we hand out candy and podcast on Halloween night. Oh, that's fun. It's fun stuff. And then during this month, I'll have a one-on-one live interview with Hank Azaria. That's crazy.

And that's going to be a lot of fun. Amazing. Check it out, funbearablepod.com at Funbarablepod.com at Funbarablepod. socials. Chuck and Hank Azaria. That is not a couple I ever imagined. Two peas in a pod. Although you've dated someone that looks like Hank Azaria. That's true. And you have a girlfriend? Yeah. I thought so. She moved here from Colorado. Oh, Steve Dave. Big mistake. It's her name, yeah. All right. And we'll all be down in New Orleans. The Big Three, baby. Hey, we can do a nice

live app. Not a live app. Well, we'll do a live app. But also we'll do it to do a regular app maybe. I don't know. We'll be making a film. It's going to be crazy. So come see us. My hope town. I can't wait. Let's do it up. Pembance is a wedding, huh? No. All right.

Well, I'll show you around and we'll try to get killed. Thank you. Take care. We'll see you next time. Praise you a lot.