Tuesdays with Stories! - 630 Monica Pooinski

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Joe comes in hot with sh*t pants! Mark runs into the ultimate pal at Gotham! Joe has a first class ruiner! Mark a sock j*zztastrophe! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   -  Support the show - first time buyers get 20% off their entire purchase @ http://mood.com/ with code TUESDAYS - Your Holiday wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code TUESDAYS at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/tuesdays #chubbiespod  - Head to https://www.drinkag1.com/TUESDAYS to get a FREE Welcome Kit with an AG1 Flavor Sampler and a bottle of Vitamin D3 plus K2, when you first subscribe! - Support the show and get 30% off Raycon products during their Black Friday / Cyber Monday deal at https://www.buyraycon.com/tuesdays  - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May The shit smell is palpable, Jerry. Is it bad? I don't know how you got on the train with that. Well, the train smells like shit. Is the camera pointed over there? What's going on here? I feel like it's off kilter.

It feels like it's down here. Am I crazy? Is it getting the poo? Oh, this is the middle. I see. Uh-huh. Is it getting this? Malcolm in the middle.

Well, so here's the deal, folks. Let me just bust open the wall, the fourth wall, kick it down, like Dane Cook. He was always kicking in doors That's true. Cool-aid man. Yeah, a lot of smashing of doors. Anyway, I just got it.

Yeah, it's a whopper. Well, so here's... It's potent. So here's what's happening, folks. You know me. Still the same OG, but I've been low-key. I traveled back from Dallas yesterday. Got a COVID mask over there.

Flew back. Uh-huh. And, you know, you get home. You want to run home to see the baby. Today's his birthday. We're recording on his birthday. because you're out of town. My wife is filming some porn or something.

That's about time. I'm wide every day this week. I'm like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you tell me, you leave Thursday. Sarah's shooting a film on Wednesday. Tuesday, you got whatever. You're out picking daisies. Yep, yep. And today's the day.

It's my son's birthday. He sobbed when I left. You're making my son cry. Oh, sorry. I told him. I said it's Mark's fault. And he says, I never like that guy. I get that.

So, I don't know. I get home. and... I never touched him. I get home last night. I hang with the baby, whatever, and then you wake up in the morning. He wakes up at 6.30 a.m.

It's his birthday. I'm excited to see him. Yeah. The gifts. I grab a pair of pants. I toss him on. Sure. That's what you do.

So then... One leg at a time. I have this thing. I put his clothes on. I go, up. He pooped. Yeah. Baby shit himself.

That's what they do. And then you check the diaper. You do this and you go, no, he didn't shit. Weird. Huh. So then we just got him some new toys. It's his birthday.

And I'm like, I think these toys smell like shit. So I'm smelling them like this. I'm like, yeah, the toy. I don't know what they do. And they're like zoo animals. So I'm like, what do they spray the zoo animals with shit? That's kind of fun. It's kind of a, like a, what do you call that?

Scratch and sniff. Yeah. So I'm like, must be that. Then I go, oh, well, whatever. And then I move around a little. I go, I think I smell more shit. Yeah. So I started checking my hands.

I wash the diaper. I clean the diaper, whatever. I go, now I'm clean. Could be that upper lip. I go, yeah, maybe I did eat some ass in Dallas. Dallas. Sounds like a country song. I ate some ass in Dallas.

Jerry Jeff Walker. So I go, maybe it's the rock. So I'm down on my hands and knees with the couch looking with the flashlight. Yeah. Because with a baby, they can be shit on the walls, on the ceiling, in your mouth anywhere. Well, then you get those people. What's up with these people that are like, do you ever see the documentary on TLC? There's shit everywhere.

The black light guy. Yes. Always the black light guy. They're like, you should see all the shit, the picture frame, the bowling trophy, Chuck's face. Your keyboard, your keyboard's basically an AIDS factory. It's all poop particles, which I don't buy it, Jerry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't believe in germs.

I'm like Brad Pitt from 12 monkeys. Oh, yeah. I believe it. I just, if you get into the germs and absorb it, you're better. Everybody's trying to avoid germs. You've got to fuck the germs, blow the germs. and eat out the germs. Well, I keep doing this.

I do a meat and green after every show. Same. Shake 300 hands. And then you go back to the green room. I'm biting my nails. I'm jerking off. Eating wings.

Yeah, yeah. Finger licking good. And then everyone goes, do you get hand sanitizer? I'm like, ah, I forgot. Never touch it. I don't either. I don't like the feel of it.

No. And you get 300 Jews shaking your hand and eating all those germs. You're going to be a superhero. That's what I think. But then I just get sick. Yeah. You don't get sick that much.

But you're supposed to. You're supposed to get sick. Of course. Well, anyways, so then we go to the playground. It was sitting there and I go, okay, now we put, I just really smelled it. Now for sure, I checked the diaper clean as a whistle, clean as my gun. And Sarah goes, I've been having this too, Phantom poo smell. Yes.

Which happens. It's kind of like you think your phone's vibrating. Right. Sometimes you think the baby's crying and he's not. You're like, oh, is that? No, no, I guess not. I get that all the time. I also think that with, like, women like me.

I'm like, did that woman want to fuck me? And then Sam's like, no, she doesn't want to fuck you. No, it's a stripper. So, anyways, so then I'd ride the train. Well, there's shit everywhere on that. Exactly. That's a poo factory. And then there was another moment where I was like, I still smell poo.

Anyways, fast forward, I sit down right here, time to podcast. I look. Oh! I shit my dick! Monica Poewinsky! Look at that. Yeah, I got a whiff from here, Fatty. That's a big baby streak of poo.

That is quite a skid. That's bad. That looks like a car went off the road. Well, here's what happens is, you know, you change the diaper and then he sits on your lap before he puts the new diaper on. Or whatever. Something. I don't know. Maybe I shit my dick.

I don't know. But I got shit on my dick. Yeah. Well, I think we've all had that with a stripper. You get the stripper on your lap. And then you're like, wait a minute. What are these crystals? Right.

You know, you get the weird gooey schmegma down there from, you know, Tom Dick and anal. What was flavor criss? Was that something? Flavor? Was that a rapper? I don't know. Wasn't there a gum? Yeah. I think there was a gum with flavor crystals.

Remember that? They pulled it out and they showed you like the ding, ding, ding, ding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I think it's just sugar, but it's a good, too good euphemus. Yeah, I remember here, it's like those things that stick in your brain from as childhood. Yeah. That you never really paid attention to, but it's still in there. Right.

Like when someone says, yikes, I still say stripes, fruit stripes, gum. Oh, yeah. I get those, too. Bad fruit striped. Oh, I just smelled it. It's a whopper, Jerry. I got shit on my pants. Pondent.

And I was going to wear these pants for another week and a half. Well, you're in the right city for having shit on your pants because you're blending in. Oh, boy. This is bad. I told you, get me some spray or something. Well, we got what the smell to be real. Oh, boy. How about this one?

After these messages, we'll be right back. That's in my head 24 hours a day. Sarah still says that any time she leaves, to the point that it's actually. annoying. I'm like, all right, all right, I get it. Yeah, you get it. Time for another cartoon. Six feet of bubble gum for you, not them. Remember that one? That was fruit by the foot. Oh, fruit by the foot.

No, no, bubble tape. Maybe you're right. Maybe it was bubble tape. Okay. Those are similar. Yeah, yeah. A lot of gooey poison for the kids out there. A lot of just sugary. I mean, the sick cookie crunch. It was Taste the Rainbow. That was Skittles. Oh, yeah.

Whoa. Oh, double trouble. Yeah, bring that over here. I'd rather the new fart smell than the old shit stain. Oh, that's bad. That's bad. They've combined. They transformered themselves.

This is bad news, bays. Oh, good Lord. Now, let me tell you. I don't have much. I got the poo thing. Luckily, this is the best thing that never happened to the podcast. Well, the poo is not ending. It's a gift that keeps on shitting.

Well, I just shit my pants, I think. This is really bad. I mean, this is a bad. I'll give you some cologne on the way out. And I can't change for a while. We've got to do this whole episode. We've got to do a bonus. Then I've got to ride the subway back.

I've got to go to the balloon store. Blune nut. Man, you're going to get a few bucks handed to you on the train. And you can see it. Yeah. Wow. It's right on the hunker. Well, this is like primary color.

Evidently maroon and brown makes black. Oh, I thought you meant the Travolta movie. Remember that way? It was like Clinton? He was the president, I think. Yeah. I kind of don't. remember that movie. Isn't it weird that he went gay?

And he just lied his whole life. Then he finally was like, I'm gay, and his wife left. No, I don't think he came out. Oh, he didn't? He got popped thrice at a gay masseuse massage part. But I don't think he's out because of Scientology. Ah, they hold on to you. Yeah, I think they got him. I believe John Travolta has never come out. What? What? Wow. Is he still with Kelly Preston? She died, didn't she? What? I think she died of A. Cancer. Then he's definitely gay. He killed his wife.

Fact check me on this. I think he's not out of the closet and Kelly Preston's dead. I think you're right about the dead. Maybe she took her own life when she saw him fucking a dude in the ass. Right and right. All right. I know, Travolta. I guess so. It was Michael. Phenomenon. Those came out like back to back. I think they both sucked. And then we had powder. There was a big supernatural homo vibe going on. I hate supernatural.

I don't love it either. I just watched... It's my only problem with weapons. I know. It's tough. But it's a horror. I get it. I keep smelling boo. What was the one I just watched? Oh, together.

The body horror. With James Franco's brother. That's a horror. The fart and that shit stained together. Did you watch that? It was rough, right? I thought it was pretty good, but then it gets supernatural. I don't care.

The movie, I mean, I don't want to turn this into a movie pod, but they fall down a cave. Okay. And then they just stay there. They're just like, oh, we'll sleep here. What? And they have a blanket. Where'd the blanket come from?

All of a sudden, they have a blanket, and they're like, we'll just hang out down here. And then the woman's like, we got to get out of here. And he's like, and what? Face the storm? We're like, yes. Yes, Lee. He'll be in the rain. Who's in it?

James Franco's brother and then otherly, not Breed Larson, but Allison. They're married in real life. They're a real couple, yeah. They produce a lot of stuff together, and they produce that together and start in it, obviously. But they fall down a well, and he's like, wait, what we're going to do? Face the storm? You're like, well, you were just in the store. Right.

And it's like 100 yards away. You're going to just live in a fucking pit. Yeah, also it's a store. It's rain. We can deal with rain. Very silly. But there's a fun part where they fuck in her, his dick gets stuck in her pussy. Because the whole thing they start to stick together.

What? Kind of hot. Why are they, the jizz? No, no. It's like the supernatural. Oh, that's cool. It's all sticky. That's the whole plot.

Do they show it? Yeah, kind of. I mean, they just show him. Oh. Maybe you don't see, you didn't see his dick for a second. It's a stretchy dick. Yeah. What?

It's true body horror. Like, the most body horror I've seen probably since the substance. I saw a lot in college. It's really, well, Skankfest, you're going to see quite a bit of body horror. Oh, Zakabiko. That's body horror. By the way, let me just tell you this quick thing about our stupid producer over here. Oh, shit.

So we're shooting the film. Skankfest is officially in production. You're the first interview. I'm honored. And the best interview, I might add. I'm the only one. No, there's a bunch. We shot.

We got Mikey Figs. We got, I mean, it's going to be a packed house at this theater. We got stupid Mike Figgs. Oh, it smells like shit. It's rough. Mikey Figgs. My eyes are watering. Karen Feehan, we interviewed, um,

Peyton Ruddy. Woo, really scraping the anal here, huh? Give me something. Give me some juice. All right. We got a black. And you. Okay.

So we're going to get Tim Dillon this week. There you go. We're going to get some people. But I bet Gillis will pop in. Nah. On the, on the day. Maybe. Is he going?

he's not going. I don't know. I bet he goes. He went last year. He skipped Riyadh, so he owes us. That's true. He was there last year. Was he there last year?

He was, yeah. He skipped the year before that, and it was a big to do. But last year he showed up. And he did, of course, when he shows up, Lewis was like, you got to do every pod. You got to do every show in the other year. And he's like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah, he did the regs.

That's right. And Nate was there, too. We had Nate and Shane, the big two. Yes, that's right. Well, anyways, so I have a. meeting. I'm directing this film. I put together, I assemble a camera crew the best of the best. If you know a ugly white nerd with a camera, he's on our crew. Yeah, Chuck. We got Chuck, Lex, Salacuse, the other guy. I love it. Old Peter Strickland down in Atlanta. Of course,

Patrick Holbert, my main man. We got them all together. Big Zoom meeting. Hell yeah. This is the first meeting. Oh, I love a meeting. Clan. 11 a.m. 10 a.m. 10 a.m. from me. I'm in Alice. Everybody shows up. We're all there. Producer. We got a producer. She's great. Everyone's missing, but everyone's there, but chuckles. No Chuck. It's like 11.02,

11.03. Should we wait? Where is this guy? What's up with this guy? Interesting. 1110. 1115. Finally, he shows up and it's just the image. He's not even there. It's just like his headshot. Oh. And it's ugly. I'll tell you that. I hate the image.

We should have got Shelby. He's just sitting there. You never see his face. The only one who don't see his face. I'm going, this is this guy. This is this guy. My father's gay. That's the point of the Zoom.

It's a face-to-face. Otherwise, you can do a phone call? Then he pops in. I go, Chuck, can you ask a question? Pops in, he's like this. Oh. One eye open, one closed. I went to bat for the guy.

He looks like shit. His hair is swooped. He looks like my crotch right now. What were you in the bed with a couple of harem? What was happening over there? I sleep late. I forgot about the meeting. Forgot about the meeting.

How many film crews are you on? He texted me at 11-10 and I'm in my bed. Oh, man. You were laying down. I was laying down. I was laying down. I was laying down like this. I was like, I was pacing and then I was sitting like this. I was dressed. I'm up at 6 a.m. for God's sakes.

I was somewhat dressed. Anyways, he stinks. What do you have been up to? Where are you? Well, I got a lot going on. Let me throw this at you here. Let me pull my notes up. Sorry, I can't think straight. I know, I know.

It's pungent. Let me tell you why I'm a pussy and why being a pussy can hurt your life. Sure, please. Okay. First off, I do a set at Gotham Comedy Club for some benefit for, like, retards. Okay. So I walk in, they go, don't say tar, don't say this. It's a benefit for special needs kids.

And you go, oh, geez, thank God you told me. So I go bomb, you get a nice paycheck. I leave to go to another. set, I realized I left the paycheck. That's the whole reason you do these gigs. You don't want to help kids. You want the buddy. Of course. So I...

I know. They shit on your dick. I know. This is bad. I get E. coli. So I go, all right, whatever. I'll get the check tomorrow. So I get a call from Gotham next day.

Hey, you left your check here. Can you swing by and grab it? And I go, yeah, I'll come by at 8.30. I do a set. I go to Gotham. I walk in. Guess who's on stage? Jerry Seinfeld.

You got it. Now, remember how a week ago I was like, I'm going to text old Jay. I haven't texted him in a while. Yeah, what happened? I pushed out. I go, ah, he doesn't want to hear for me. I got low self-esteem. I suck.

Why? I'm bothering him. You know, you text a guy and you picture him going, ugh. But you had the end. Sam saw him in Paris. I know. Hey, you saw my buddy Sam. Yeah.

Easy in. Easy in. Smash bam boom. I didn't, I didn't. I couldn't pull the trigger. It's been too long. You know, if you don't text someone for a while, You can't go back.

This is like Atomic Habits, the power of habit. No two bad days. So true. You're casting a vote for I Don't Text Him. Ah, you're right. You're a guy that doesn't text now. That's a good book. Wonderful book.

Yes. It didn't help me, but I read it. Sure. Atomic bomb. So I never texted. And then now I'm watching him on stage. And he's doing great. He's got some new stuff.

And I'm listening to the jokes. I'm saving him my head for if I see him. And then I go, well, now I never texted. Now he's here. Now I can't bump into him because then it's a whole, now he's got to be like, oh, yeah, you want to chat? He just wants to go home. But the bump in is easier.

Is it? Hey, yeah, hey, look who's here. What are you doing here? Yeah. I don't say, what are you doing here? Because then he's like comedy. Right. Yeah, well, I went too long with the text and I couldn't face him.

I couldn't do it. But you got to do the flippoor. If you were on stage and you came off, wouldn't you love for Jerry to go, hey, look at this? Wow, that's a different, that's a whole different world. You're talking about Jerry to me, not me to Jerry. But Jerry seeked out you. He likes you. You don't bring him on the road.

He brings you on the road. I think he did like me. I think the ship has sailed. Did he say that? Eh, no. Nobody would ever say, hey, this ship is sailed. I mean, he's not a psycho. If anyone was going to, he is a psycho, that's his whole thing.

That's true. If anyone was going to say, I've decided I don't like you anymore, it's Jerry. Ooh, you're right. Maybe that's what I'm scared of. I think that's what you're scared of. Yeah, he's too real. So what goes through, take me through, welcome to Mindful Mental Jacket. What goes through your head when you're in there, you see him?

I keep thinking, because, you know, look, we got people in our life. If you saw them at a show, surprisingly, you'd be like, oh, how do I get out of this one? I don't want to chat with this guy. Right, but there's no evidence that at some point I liked him and wanted him in my life. Yeah. Like the people that I see around town, I go, oh, fuck. I never was like, hey, want to do a huge gig with me? Oh, that's a good point.

That's a good point. We'll do a huge gig together, and then I'll take you out for pizza. Right. And then I'll be on the Mets broadcast, and when they ask me who I like, I'll say their name. Right. That's big evidence. It's big evidence. But don't. He didn't say anybody else.

Right. He said, I'll tell you, there's this one guy I like, Mark Norman. He didn't say, oh, there's, oh, there's Mark, there's Shane, this Pete, there's Bob, this Dave, this Ralph. I hear you. He said, Mark. I hear you loud and clear. Okay. Yeah, you got something there.

So there's evidence. There's evidence. I mean, the comment, I mean, we could probably do like a mental, what do you call that when they do, the medium. We could probably come up together with somebody I'm thinking about that I don't want to see ever. Yeah. And they might go. go, hey, but I'm not, there's no reason for them to do that. Yeah, yeah.

Because I never said, oh, that guy is my favorite. Yeah, you're right. Well, this is all part of what I'm about to say. Please. So again, I go, I can't face him because he's going, oh, I keep picturing him going, oh, hey, what's up, man? I don't know why. That's where my brain goes.

I'm fucked up. I know. I'm trying to help. So I'm like, ah, so I feel that he's starting to wind down his set. So I get the hell out of there. because I don't have him to bump into me. I do get this. Okay.

I've done things like this my whole career. That's why my career is in the toilet. And that's why we're friends, maybe, because we're a sympatico. But I go, all right, all right. So I get the hell out of there. Then I go, okay, this is your chance. You've been putting off the text. Text him.

But then I go, well, I can't text him because then he's going to go, why do you say hi? Yeah. So I'm already gone. I got to run to another spot, which he likes. That's true. That's true. And it's not a lie. I did have to go to another set.

Hey, I caught a little bit of your set. I had to run. Sorry, I missed you. Yeah. Talk soon. Hope you well. So I don't know if I told you this, but about a year ago, or a year and a half ago, he texted me, hey, I'm doing the beacon. Can you do these dates?

Boom, boom, boom. And I said, ah, I'd love to, but I couldn't. I had some big, some crate, like Europe, I was in. I couldn't get out of it. So I was like, I'd love to, but I'm going to Europe. He goes, ah, I threw it out there. What are you going to do? And I go, okay.

So then I don't do the high. I don't do the text. I leave Gotham. Next day, it's a Friday night. I'm never here on a Friday. Always on the road on the weekend. I'm walking to Upper West Side Stand-up New York Comedy Club, New York Club,

whatever it is. And, of course, I walk by the beacon. Tonight, Jerry Seinfeld, sold out. Wow. And I go, I bet if I had texted, I'd be on that gig. Because I'm never here. we could have been like, hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm doing the beacon.

You want to open? He's already asked me to open. Right. So if I was in town, which I never am on a weekend, I bet I could open that gig. And that's my point. That's what you get for not initiating. Well, at least you could have hung out.

You still could have popped in that day. That's true. You could have texted. You could have waited. You could have texted. Oh, I'd missed you. You could show up with the beacon. Probably.

The beacon show up would have been a bold move. That's bold. I would only do that with the invite. But Hamilton, of course, I texted Hamilton, you know, bullshitting. What are you up to tonight? Just left the beacon. Ah! You son of it, that could have been you.

That could have been me. Look, I love Hamilton. I'm happy for Hamilton, but it's a good musical. I didn't care for it. Oh, I never saw it. I didn't get it. Really? Hey, what's up?

Yo, my name is Sam Adams. And I'm here to say, they named DeBier after me because I'm gay. Who gives a shit? It just sucks. Yeah, I don't care for a rap, but a musical. No. It's too cringy. I find that Lynn Manuel Ruiz, whatever his name is.

Very off-putting. I hate him. I hate that guy. Yeah. He stinks. He's such a quefy guy. He's so quefy. He was in Curb.

I know, I didn't care for him there either. And then he did, he got kind of canceled, which was the worst cancel of all time, because they said, you didn't have any dark-skinned Latinos. He had like, I didn't book off a palette, the color palette here. I didn't book off pigment. So Hamilton, now, maybe now you text all of these things. Well, that's what I did. So then I said, you suck. Fuck you.

I'm on Broadway going, ah, people are walking by and giving me change and shit. I'm like, oh, my God, I hate what am I doing? Look at what you've done. So I'm like, under the beacon, like, throwing my hat on the ground and stepping on it. I'm an idiot. So this is where, what's going on in this head. So then I go, fuck it. And I just text him a whole thing like, hey, saw you at Gotham, didn't say hi, should have said hi, just saw you at the beacon on the marquee.

I love that one bit, and then I push send. I said, it's done. Live with it. You're a pussy. Grow up. Kill yourself. You're in your 40s. Okay.

I have a child. So you're a pussy. Yeah. So then now you go, okay, I did it. Then you start going, you haven't written back yet. Yeah. Oh, he's probably mad at me. Oh, I shouldn't have texted.

And then I'm like, what am I doing? So now again, I'm on the sidewalk yelling at myself. And I go to the set and it's fine. But it's just a little bit of a lesson where I could sit here and harp over this. I could sit here and dwell. But I'm just going to learn my lesson and go, don't ever do that again. And that's my takeaway. Does he written back?

He did. Okay. And he wrote, hey, thanks. So then today, I'm going to text him, how about breakfast tomorrow? That's not bad. I'm doing it. Okay. And look, he's just a man.

He's a human being. Yes. I'm a man. He's an unpleasant man, too. I mean, he yells at Bobby, he yells, he makes fun of orny. You're not, he's not better than you. Right. Who the hell is he?

Well, yes. And he's Jewish. That takes him down a peg. Yeah. Fucking Zionist piece of shit. I know. Kill it a bit. No.

But, yeah. So. Good on you. Good for you. The seal is broken. I know, but you could have been hanging out all this time. It could be besties. I've missed so many, literally years of not hanging out.

And he probably is going, well, Mark's busy. He's the busiest comment. He's probably saying, I'm old. I'm out of touch. What the hell does he want for me? I'm just some asshole with a show 30 years ago. I'm doing the same old act, even though I talk about how much I write. Yeah.

He doesn't want to hear from me. He's young. He's out. He's having fun. So he's probably in his head about you. Maybe. Well, yeah, you always hear women talk like, that, you know? Like, my

girlfriend in college, she had all, she lived with like four girls in a big house and I would go over there and they'd be like, Bobby doesn't like me, but. I'm like, man, you're like smoking hot. Bobby'd love to fuck you. But they were like, oh, I'm fat. I look and look at it. I gained an inch here. My tits aren't that big.

My pussy stinks or whatever it is. And you're like, but you're like, wow, it's weird hearing girls because we're always on the other end going, she hates me, I'm a nerd. I got a tiny dick. But They're all out there nervous, too. Well, that's the thing is everyone's all fucked up and going through their shit.

You got that right, Faddy. Which is important to remember all the time. You get intimidated by people, but they're not thinking about you as much as you think they are. And they're not even upset. They're just not, you're not even on their mind. Yes. The most part. You've got to be used to it. I can't even smell it anymore.

Well, I get it in waves, Fatti. It's a distinct baby dung. Well, it's not just baby dung. It's been hanging out all day, all night, from last night. It's growing. It's alive. This could be a good, like a John Carpenter movie, you know? Yes.

Like a baby thing, and then it becomes a thing. Right. Then you have like, wha, you've got a baby growing out of your ass. I've been watching Toy Story 3. That movie is heartbreaking. All those Toy Stories are pretty good. Yeah, very beautiful, touching film. Pixar.

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That's it. But I learned my lesson. That's what I want to take away from this. Yeah, you got to get in there, and he likes you. He wants to be friends with you. And, like I said, it's such an advantage with a guy like him because he'll be like, hey, you've got to stop texting me. He's not like us.

That's true. He's not like, oh, I don't like this guy. but I'll just text back. Right. I got people in my life for 30 years that I can't stand, but they keep texting me. So I'm like, all right, I guess. That's how we're here.

I know. But did I ever talk about the time he texted me drunk? Or I was drunk and he texted me, like on a random Saturday night, I was drunk after a show at some, I was in the middle of nowhere. Like I was in like St. Louis. And he's like, hey, that YouTube video you posted is really funny.

And I wrote, you like that? And he wrote, yes. And I go, wow, thanks. I didn't think he'd like it. He goes, yeah, I liked it. And I go, really, you liked it? And he goes, stop questioning me. Well, there you go.

Which I was like, whoa. So he's already advised you on this. Yeah, he's already like, let me just, I'll just tell you how I feel. So I've got a button up my ass. I've been telling you about this for years. The buttons are bad. It's in the hole now. I can't get it out.

It's inside me. Buttons. They're on your pants. They're on your shirt. Red buttons. So yeah, so you're right. He keeps it blunt, which I actually like. A lot of people don't like his directness.

but I like it because it keeps you, let you know where he's at. So there's a red buttons and a red skeleton. Yeah, and a red fox. Wow. And a... Redhead. Red Butler.

It's crazy that some names were there. Red was like a name. I like that. That's a cool name. Red. I know a red. An old red. Really?

Yeah, from a sober guy. He's like 100 years old. Well, Morgan Freeman was red because it was supposed to be an Irish guy, but they just kept it. Otis Redding. No, Boyd. Ellis Boyd Redding. Is that right?

His last name was Redding. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. I thought it was because he was an Irish guy with a fiery... Well, I think it was in the book. Uh-huh. And then they just got Morgan Freeman.

But his name is Redding. I think when they... By the way, Otis is out, too. Where's Otis? Otis Redding? Oh, Otis is a name, yeah. Same with Adolf. Otis Nixon.

Otis Thorpe. Who's that? Otis Nixon was a baseball player I think it dabbled in cocaine Otis Thorpe was a basketball player. Otis Anderson was a football player. I got an Otis for every sport. There you go. And then, yeah,

Otis is out. Otis is an Air Force base. Okay. What's the youngest Otis you ever met? I bet there's some white lady who named her kid Otis just to kind of shuck and jive a little, you know. By the way, have you seen the perfect neighbor? Yes. I told her last week. I was like, It's great PR for cops.

Oh, is that what you were talking about last week? Yeah, because I couldn't visualize this thing. Boy, that was, I cried. I had to turn it off, literally. When the bomb... Yeah, I turned it off. I was like, I can't watch this too much. Wept.

Wept. Wept like a baby. No, it is. Okay, so when you were talking about, I didn't know what you're talking about. And it really is. It's like these people that hate cops. It's like hilarious to me. I know.

They keep showing up. They're very nice. They're talking to the kids. Everybody's black. No one cares. It's great. And they're like, Just the beginning, they're like, there's a shooting.

Someone's been shot, and they just jump in their car and drive 150 miles an hour straight towards a cycle with a gun. And then there's people all over the place going. These people are pieces of shit, they're bastards, their assholes. You know many cops pulled out or what do you call it? Tired or gave up? Quit last year in NYC? I don't know. 2,500.

That's 2,500 people were like, I got shot at, people threw shit at me, I got yelled at, and you're mad at me? I'm out. Yeah, it's a bummer. It's a bummer. Well, they got their problems, too. Sure, sure. But the whole thing of all cops are bastards. We've covered this.

I'm like, the Chinese cop, he's a bastard. The lesbian cop, you know? Oh, you're on the West! I'm sorry. I like it. I'm going to kill myself. Well, let me tell you a little bit about my life. Yes, please.

Just got back from Addison. Oh, that's a fun time. That whole area that's like Addison, Arlington. Arlington, Plano, Fort Worth, Dallas. It's all pipes out there. Yeah. It's all comedy clubs. Yeah, well, there's a new club that's hyenas,

Fieny was at us. Is this not the greatest feeling in the world? Feeney, our pal, he's like, hey, I'm in Dallas this weekend. We should hang out. And you go, all right, well, I got a lot of stuff going on. You get your openers. We're in the movie. We're doing the thing.

Yeah, you got a Zoom with Chuck, one eye. You go, all right, all right. Well, maybe we'll see a movie Saturday. and then Friday night you're like, and I love Feeney but you're going, oh God, I got the Feeney hang tomorrow. Yeah, it looms Jerry.

It's just a thing. I get it. I get it. And then you get the text. Hey, man. I'm like, here it is. All right. Let me put my pants on.

I got to go find Feeney. He's your Jerry. He goes, hey, it looks like it's a 48-minute ride. I don't feel like going that far. 48-minute ride. He's like, I don't want to go that far. And I was like this. Oh.

The best. The best. All right, well, it's been fun. I'll take care. And you did your due diligence. You answered every text. You said you'd go. So you're in the clear.

I'm just back flipping up the road. I'm naked. I'm squeezing my own balls. Well, here's the clinker. You guys live in the same city. You're not going to see a movie in Queens. Well, that's true. But we have lives.

You have wives. You have spots. You have podcasts. There is something about the road. And it is a great feeling when someone fun is on the road down the street. Yeah, why is that? What do you mean? Well, why is it?

Because we live in the same city. We could see each other anytime, Feeney or whoever, but you're not going to really hang out. Even without the kid. I don't think you're hanging out. If this were a festival, that was my big talking point. I know. I used to say it all the time.

If this were a festival, we'd all get together. So I was just talking about this with Feeney on his pod. Fun pod. Did you do that one? Not yet. Yeah. That one in Ron Ones. You're really blown off.

I'm trying to change. I appreciate that. It's about time. Thank you. So... I should change your pants. I know. I should just cut the front out of him

like a pop singer. Oh, yeah. What was I talking about? The movie, 48 minutes, 48 hours. Feeney. First 48. Oh, we were talking about this on his pod. What were we talking about?

Oh, you're kind of friends with people, but you don't see them for like eight months. Like, Cannon and Feeney, I never see. And then Skagfest, we just have a text thread, and we hang on every day. but you're like, I don't want to go out to Queen sometimes you have the park hang, of course.

Yeah. But you're like, yeah, if we're in the same town, same hotel, we'll get lunch every day. Right. But if not, you're like, ah. Yeah, yeah, I get it. And now, like I always talk about,

comics, we're just working all the time now. We're working, Jerry. And then when you do hang, you're like, how do we monetize this? Should we film this hang? Should we get content? Should we get Salis? Do you?

Do you take photos of us hanging? It's so gay. Well, that's pathetic, yeah. I know, but like your hang, you had a hang the other night or the other day with Stavros and Ruddy and Salakus and me, you, and the ice cream truck. Yeah. And look, there is, that's why you need those hangs because there is that moment of like, it was kind of awkward. There was a silent moment there. But you got to go through those things.

Yeah, that's a great hand. We're doing another one today. It was a great hang. Fart? No. The button. So the button's bad. Finally your buttons, because I feel like you've been looking at me with the button for a year.

I got the button. I just never had the button. So now the tables have buttoned. Yeah, I think so. Thanks for button. Between the buttons. So. I like that film.

I don't care what anyone says. You worked on it. You're the one. No, that's a damn fine film if you ask me. A little heavy-handed. Oh, yeah, I suppose. But there's some good moments. The hummingbird thing and the other thing.

Too much slavery. It doesn't really make sense at the end. Thank you. Movie sticks. Get it. You know, I worked on that film. I heard that. I see.

But, so anyways, Feeney cancels, whatever. Let me tell you about my flight out because I have this guy. I'm in first class, of course. We're killing it. I get upgraded. Who, who, who. Let me check my notes again. All right.

So I'm sitting there. I got the aisle, 3B. Nice. Guy in 2D, window. over there. Across the way. Yeah. He looks like,

I don't know, like he's straight out a wolf of Wall Street, slick back hair, you know, and at first, you're not noticed because you have your AirPods

in, you're just trying to go to bed, early flight, whatever, listen to a podcast, whatever it is. And I just hear, oh shit, look at this.

First class, I got the upgrade. This is wild. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? And you're just kind of hearing

it through the AirPods, but it's just, you know, like things that kind of, when you have, music in or a podcast. Everything over there is just noise. So you kind of hear it like bo-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-a. Yes.

So after about 20 minutes, I'm like kind of half in my own asshole. I just go, I take the air-part, I go, what is going on over there? Look, this guy doesn't know this guy or the one behind. He's like, this is crazy. You ever been in first glad? This is not. This is what? This is how the other half lives. This is fucking great. And I'm like, oh, I hate this guy.

Shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to talk to you. It's an early flight. Shut up. Yeah. Put the AirPod back in. I doze off. I wake up.

Long story short, this guy talked like that. Full volume. Four hours straight. What? I mean straight, Jerry. Never ever stopped talking. He doesn't know the guy next to him. And it was conspiracy theory.

Trump, the economy, race. Charlie Kirk. Whoa. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was fucking insane. And the guy next to me, he was like an African guy, and he was like, Oh, he was mad. And I was like, how about this?

And he's like, all right, like a silent movie. Yeah. Well, this raises the question. You can get bumped up to first class. If you're not class, maybe we should be able to bump you back. See, this is how you get ahead. You're always thinking. I think we got something here because, hey, if you're not part of the first class, you're not classy, you're out.

You blew it. I'll tell you what, he should get bumped to comfort plus, and then if he keeps acting like that, he should get bumped to the toilet. Keep going back. Yeah, you're on the wing, buddy. And then you put a backpack on him and punt him out the side because, I mean, I'm not joking. He never stopped talking. And the guy he was talking to, and I've been this guy before, where you respond,

you try to lull them down, you know, well, you know, the elections are tricky. Right, right. What do you mean they're tricky? They're not tricky. Tricky dick was elected twice. That's crazy. And it was just insane. And also, like I said, talking like topics that you're like, dude.

He's like, I'm telling you, you can't find one guy that's worth a billion dollars that isn't Jewish. The Jews have all the... And you're like, are you fucking crazy? Wow. Shut up. It was clearly his first bump up. First bump. He's freaking out.

He thinks everybody cares. And it sounds like this guy's mom likes him too much. Well, speaking of bumps, I think he might have been coked up. Oh. He felt he had that five. That's interesting. Never took a nap. Never watched a program.

And I'm so grateful I wasn't sitting next to it. I was sitting diagonally across, but that's all I have. Wow, that's crazy. Well, I have good news on a flight. I love good news. So I'm flying back from Dublin. Dublin. And it's a whopping eight hour and change that flight.

The way back is always longer the jet queef or whatever it is. So I go, ah, I'm in the, I'm in the, I'm in the, main cabin, and I go, I'm third to be bumped up, but there's only two seats. That's the worst feeling. The worst feeling. So I go, it's not going to happen. Just get it out of your head. Stop daydreaming.

Kill yourself. I walk in the plane. There's a big, jolly, jovial, tubby, cute stewardess guy. Peyton Ruddy. Yes. And I go, hey, how are you doing? He goes, you're that guy. You're that guy.

Whoa. And I go, oh, yeah, I'm that guy. There you go. And he goes, you're that guy on TikTok. And I'm like, am I on TikTok? I don't know that. He's like, you're all over TikTok. You're that guy.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm that guy. And he goes, Kevin Hart, eh. Wow. You know. So he likes the Kevin Hart. He likes it. Nate hates it. Nate's always told me.

He's like, you've got to stop doing that. Somebody messaged me Fabletics is Kevin Hart's company. No. Did you know that? Give that a goo. I thought it was Kate Hudson. Kate Hudson. Oh, yeah.

She doesn't have enough money for pants. She tried to kill herself. Is that right? Yeah. Well, that's too bad. Or maybe there was Owen Wilson. Yeah, he did. They looked similar.

They looked the same. Same here. You're thinking of Kate Spade? Kate Spade did kill herself. Yeah. No, no, no. She hung herself in the bag. I'm thinking of Owen Wilson.

Body bag. Owen Wilson tried to kill him. That's right. But I think they were banging for a minute. Or they were in the same movie. Well, their kid would look, you know. The same? Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

Yeah. No, Kevin Hart. Yes, Kate Hudson. Oh. Oh. Doesn't own Fabletics? No, but K.H. .

Maybe that's why you get confused. No, someone wrote to us that that's what he owns it. He might have a stake in it. Somebody wrote. It says he has a little stake of it. He's a little bit of an investor. But Kate Hudson is way more of like an owner. So both KHs.

How about that? How about that? Wow. Trying to think of another one. Kevin Hart. I was thinking Kevin Foley and Kevin Ryan. Kate Foley. Hey Hudson.

King Rich, King, King. King Henry. Hey. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. All right. So the big fat, jovial,

cute, gay flight attendant was like, you're that guy. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go way back into the main. And I go, well, I got to buckle up for eight hours. Here we go. Let's see what the movies are. And this guy comes up and he goes,

excuse me, Mr. Normand, you've been bumped up. Hey! And I go, what? Get out of here. He put a word in. Wow. Yes.

So somebody got to. screwed because I was third, so I moved over somebody. Well, it's possible every once in a while someone moves to a different flight or something like that. That's true. They don't make it to the flight. They never check in. Something. But yeah, total game changer. So that was exciting.

And I told the guy, we'll get a photo after. You saved my whole life, blah, blah, blah. And then I forgot to get the photo. So I want to apologize to the jovial, chubby, cute gay flight attendant. Yeah. We'll blow you next time. Yeah. You know that guy. Folks, oh, baby. I love this new sponsor, Chubbies.

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slash Tuesdays. Get on it and get healthy. So yeah. Now, how about this one? Please. I flew. Let me just give you my flue. flight schedule and then you can blow me. I can't wait. So I had a gig in Valley Center, California on Saturday night. Valley Center. Sounds like a mall. Yeah. It's basically a fake town so they can put a casino in it. Uh-huh. And it's two hours, hour and a half outside of San Diego. So you got to fly to

San Diego. The only flight left was Alaska. Oh, I've heard Alaska's pretty good. It's all right. It's all right. Never flown. A Derek flies it. He likes it. But, you know. I think if you got some juice, it's all right. Okay. So I fly Alaska, whatever, no juice, long, motherfucker. Fly there, and then you got to get there early enough to still drive the hour and a half to the valley center. But east to west, you're getting three hours. That helps. That's true. That's true. So I land, who, long flight, Alaska, no juice. Get in the, get in the shuttle or whatever the guy's driving. Drive all the way there. Then you go, Okay. Now, all I want to do is rub one out.

I don't know how you feel. Right when I get in the hotel, I got to rub one out. Yeah, I think it's a weird Pavlovian thing because we're so used to it. And then now you're like away from everybody. I put the remote in my ass. I put the lube in my eyes. The shit on your dick. Yeah. Yeah. It's off a pillow as tits up my shirt. Right, right.

And it's a same. And it said, Chris Rodd that good long, ain't nobody at home jerk. You know, you got your legs are wide open, a Kimbo. You're not doing that. Who'd at? Yeah, exactly. You're just going like this with the lube and the lotion. You put it in your mouth everywhere. Put the lotion in the basket. Yeah, then you really go to town. Now, I packed a couple things.

It was only a one-show night, a one-nighter. So I packed like a little gay Kate Spade bag full of stuff. A grip. I had a sock, an underwear, a T-shirt, you know, just the essentials. So then, that's my neighbor. So then I'm about to bust. as the kids say. So I grab one of my old socks.

Throw it on. You don't do that? No. I put it on the dick. Like a glove? No, you don't do that. That's crazy. I've been doing it for 20 years.

That's not what you do. You do the glove? It's just super common in pop culture. It's like Ben the thing. I thought everybody did that. It's a perfect catch-all. I don't put it on. I put it on my hand and eat it like this, like a puppet, sock puppet.

What are you? Jim Henson? And I go, and I go, why? Jiz Henson. Jiz Henson. Put that in clean. Will you fix that? Jiz Henson.

Yeah, you put it, you wear it? Yeah, you just put it on. It fits. It doesn't fit. It's just the width of my foot. My dick is like the size of a toe. I'm not saying anything, they're going to the ball, but, you know, the balls. But it goes in. All right, all right. It's a perfect world.

Doesn't it fly off when you're jerking that? Well, I put it out at the end. Okay. Yeah. Also, don't fly off. You're holding it. You could jerk off with it. Oh, you hold on to the sock?

Yeah. Oh, I see. It's just for the last second. I thought I'm still cranking my dick. I thought the sock was on top. I thought the sock would kind of shimmy off. No, no shimmy. No shimmy, no shimmy, Stewart.

So you jizzle the sock, you throw the sock on the floor, it turns into a crusty medusa stone. You never see that? It just gets, it flavor crystals. I'd like to chew that gum. Yeah. So then I jump in the shower. and I get out and I go,

oh, put a new shirt on, put a new underwear on. No socks. I didn't bring new socks. Now, what are you doing that situation? I think you go French. I think you go no socks. I can't. These shoes smell so bad.

Well, I got poop on my dick, so you're asking the wrong guy. That's true. That's a good point. I got a big smudge of cum. Well, shit, I meant. So I flipped the sock inside out. Oh. It's full of icicles,

the lagmites. It's horrific. It's like a crime scene. It's like a SV. you law and order. So I kind of dab it and I have to put it on. But you're in a hotel. Why not use a towel? Why are you using your sock when you have towels?

I regret it. I was in the heat of the moment. I didn't go for it. I had the sock right here and the towels had to get up, get out of the bathroom, come back. See, I don't even prepare cleanup. I just beat it like Michael Jackson, like an egg. I get it all scooped up and then I just walk with jizz all over me. Really?

I go in there and it's all illuminated. I watch in the mirror. I clean it up and then you just toss that underneath. Oh, you hit the body. Hit the body. You jizz on your own body. Of course. Oh, I don't want to do that.

Like a man. And then you wipe it. Oh, that's gay. Because now you're a man jizzed on you. Well, you got a sock on your dick. I mean, it's crazy. Boop, I'm done. I picture it again.

Is it white with the red stripe around it? Like a bowling pin? It's actually literally this sock. I'm still wearing it. Oh. So we're in combing. That was dead now. Get your fucking come away from me.

That's insane. I'd rather eat baby shit than have fun. That's disgusting. Well, who's worse here? Jizz sock or shit dick? No, Jiz sock is crazier because first of all, you can get new... You're in your hole. That's true.

And it's been days, and it's come as worse than baby poo. I don't know. I don't know. Would you rather swallow cum or baby shit? Come. Oh. Chuck wants to drink Cove. This is all a ruse to trick you.

Chuck likes to eat them. Well, Chuck loves eating jizz. But this is like a smear. It's not a load. Well, I cleaned a little bit. Oh, God, this is appalling. I could cut glass with this thing. It's just razor sharp from all the dried semen.

Crunchy, crunch, crunch, crunch. Bubble cum. This may be the most disgusting episode. I think so. Well, thank God your mother's not here for this. And your nanny can hear this. Your nanny must think this is crazy. Like, she can hear us.

is a little broken. No, she understands me. I say, hey, how you doing? She says good. That's about it. And she laughs, too. I don't think she knows jizz or cum or a shit dick. I think she could figure it out from context.

Baby, well, no one's thinking we got jizz on our shoe and sock on our dick. She must just think we're horrible animals. And then the worst part is, we have to go right up there. Hey, and I pick up the baby. Well, she's leaving now. I can see her on the stairs. Oh, okay. Maybe she'll slip and fall and crack her head open.

And forget everything. Yeah. Like, red and black. Yeah, I'm sure she's had a few. So, just wanted to run that by you. I've got semen on my toes and on my brain. I always want to come on a lady's toe and suck it off. Oh, she's bringing the baby.

I thought she was done. I'll never see that thing again. That's all right. That's gone. Getting abducted. She's a nice lady. She is a sweet, sweet Indian woman. She's Indian?

Yeah. I thought she was Asian. Well, she was in Asian, I guess. Look, she stopped right there. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. What happened? She's hitting him?

No. Oh, okay. I don't think she... Yeah, she's gone now. All right. Did the casino and then a fun gig, and then they gave us a nice reservation at... Reservation? Woo-woo.

And would you scalp these tickets? At Hell's Kitchen. Is that a restaurant? Gordon Ramsey. Oh, is it out there? Yeah, well, you know, these casinos that'll get a couple of nice joints inside. Okay, so how was it? It's fine.

It's fine. It's a little ridiculous. The pictures of Gordon Rams ever were like, that's what I don't get. Explain this to me. So he owns the restaurant, but he doesn't work there. Of course. I don't understand chefs, really. Like the chef, you've got to get this chef,

but can't he just tell another guy what to do? That's what they do. I mean, there's 18 chains of Hell's Kitchen, Emerald, Wolfgang, Puck. He ain't there. So that's what I don't understand. How does the chef, I don't get it? I don't really get chefs.

It's branding. It's a same thing. same as having, like, uh, Kenny Rogers chicken. Yeah. You know, he's not singing to the chickens. But I, but I think the implication with Kenny Rogers chicken isn't like, oh, I'm going to see Kenny Rogers before him. I guess.

But with like, uh, this is Gordon Bombay's fucking restaurant. You think he's like chopping up the shit. They're like, this is going to be good because it's him. That's true. I guess he made the recipe or something. I guess so. But it's all branding. Yeah.

I never, I just don't really get shit. They have the hat. And then they have all the Mexicans doing all. the stuff. What does the chef actually do? And then the oven does the cooking. Yeah. I don't mean to disparage chefs. I'm sure somebody can explain it to me where you're like, whoa, but don't you just, you put a little sauce on, a little salt, and then you put it in the oven, you press boop, boop, bo, pooh, p, p. Yeah, I agree. It comes out and then you present it. The presenting is something. Sure. But I don't, it's not like a musician or, you know, filmmaker.

Oh, whoa. The way he chose the lighting. of the camera. Yeah. I don't, it's like, yeah, the chicken, we put a little, we put a little ketchup on it. Exactly. It's crispy on the outside. It's soft in the inside. I think it's the legitimacy of like, oh, this is an approved restaurant by this famous guy. It must be good, but it could still be shit. Yeah. It's just got his face on the wall. Well, I go to Del Frisco's. I order a steak. I ship my bag. It's the best thing I ever have, but I never even heard of the shit. I don't even see him. Yeah, who's Del. Is he back there? Del Friscoe, maybe, of the Friscoe. Yeah, I guess so.

But either way, food was fine. Then you go to bed. You got to wake up at 6, get a 6.30 pickup, get back two hours to the airport, get on a flight. Longest day of my life, but we're here. Yesterday? Yeah. Nice. When you land at JFK.

JFK is such a cunt. It's brutal. It's so goddamn fire. Now you have to take a shuttle to the lifts. And the shuttle's a half hour, or you've got to take a cab, and the cab lines a mile long. Yep. All right. Bit to the moment.

But yeah, we live in New York. It's all going to shit with Mom Donnie. Although, I've got to tell you, I've been talking to people in the shadows, in the whisper network. In the cut. And they're all like, fuck this guy. We're going with the other dude. Right. So, who knows?

I mean, this could be like a Trump thing where you're like, no one thought he was going to win, then he wins. We'll see. We shall see. I'm not registered in New York, so I guess I should be. Did you see the tweet? He, Mom Donnie was on a mic and he was like, after nine of us. 11, my aunt was too scared to wear the hijab on the subway because of racism. And one guy tweeted under goes, yes, your aunt was the real victim of 9-11.

You're like, damn, that's hilarious. That's gold. Oh, that's great. And then it just came out that his aunt lives in like Cincinnati. So he made up the whole thing. Yeah, well, you're like, well, sorry. Yeah, we're a little, you know. We're all scared to ride the subway after 9-11.

Yeah, we're a little unsettled. I mean, you know, we just had 3,000 neighbors get fucking. get fucking murdered. Yeah, exactly. They exploded into fire and jumped off a building. It was a little, we're a little on edge here. But the racism buzzword, it gets clicks, you know. Yeah.

And you're like, well, it was 25 years ago, sorry. That too. It was, yeah, it was a bummer. It affected us. By the way, I was listening to 9-11 phone calls yesterday. It pops up my algorithm. What? I'm good for, like, 9-11 last phone calls to the family every, oh, six weeks or so.

I get right in there. Oh, yeah. Your pants are by 9-11. There's no way you can still smell it. Come on. You're probably smelling cum. Baby shit. I don't come. Cubs pleasant. Come is not pleasant. Mine is. No, I've smelled your cum. Up close. Come is gross. You guys both want to drink it evidently. Oh, yeah. I tasted it once. You ever get into those phone calls? It's really something else. Some of the people are very calm. They're like, I'm on a plane. It's been hijacked. I don't think we're going to be all right. I just want to say, I love you. They start breaking up.

It's really something else. I can't do. I don't want to hear those. The wherewithal to call. And then I get nervous. I wouldn't call my wife. I'd call you. I'd be like, hey, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah. You're not going to believe this. We'll do this as a bonus. Patreon. Hit record.

I'd probably call Seinfeld. I love you. Sorry, I'd call more. What's the deal with terrorism? 9-11. 9-11. Did they choose that? Because it's 9-1-1. Right. Flight 43. Yeah, it's really something else. You spent those calls.

You ever listen, Chuck? No, it's really something else. Remember that Chappelle joke? They record those police calls. I can't stop crying. I shit on myself. I shit on myself. Boy, that guy,

he was really something. I mean, I shit on myself is the funniest thing of all time. I feel like that right now. You smell like that, too. How about this? When I was on the cruise, this was like six months ago, but I never got to talk about it. I sure did.

Wow. TCM, baby. Damn. Cruising Joe. I was, we're at the cruise, and how do you feel about this guy? This guy at the cruise, I don't even know how to describe this guy. He looks like if Chuck gained 150 pounds and got uglier. So he's 800 pounds.

Boom, take that, Chuckie. Whoa. Thank you. That sounds like someone doing an elephant. I'll help the smell a little bit. Big fat and pale and red and blotchy. he's got the string, rainbow string thong on. At the pool, in the hot tub.

That's appalling. What is that? It's like you're doing a bit, but you're disgusting. And we know you're gay already with the thong. No, no, no gay. He's that gay? It wasn't rainbow. It was like green, yellow, camouflage.

It was like a goof, but he was with a chick. A fat, ugly chick. And he's just sitting there. And I'm talking like it was like folded over. Like it was so thin, double folds. Hey, new phone. And just string thing. String thing.

String theory. And should that be illegal? I mean, what do you think about this? It really is off-putting. It ruins the whole pool. And he's not doing like, huh? Am I crazy? I think he was trying to be like earnest with it.

Like he was just like, yeah, here I am. Live with it. Ugh. Did he at least have a good bulge? I didn't see the bulge. I mean, he was so fat. It was like Peter Griffin when you can't see his dick when he's naked. He was the bulge.

Yeah, I mean, just a fat piece of shit. I mean, I just don't get it. I'm like, come on. Yeah, what is that? You know, one time for a Mardi Gras, everybody gets dressed up or wears wacky costumes. I went as a gay. I got a long-sleeved Mardi Gras shirt and I got Daisy Dukes. Okay.

And I thought, ah, this is so funny. My legs are long. My ass cheeks are hanging. out and I showed up to meet my friends and they were like what are you doing? I was like, this is funny. I'm like a gay guy and they're like, yeah, we don't like this. What do you mean? Like, they were kind of like offended by it? Well, they were just like, this isn't cool. Now we've got to look at your

legs. Oh, I see. We don't think this is funny. And so I ruined the whole day. I was like, oh, shit, all right, but I'm already here. I can't go home. I don't have another pair of pants on me. Well, that's rude on their part. I see. I think that's rude. This is a fart off. Oh, man. That's a shit of my pants. Look at this.

Pooh street. Oh, God. Oh, that stinks. It's a poo streak, Jack. Oh, man, boo streak. Poo streak was a great Martin Lawrence movie. Our combined age is 85. Wow, that's crazy.

You're 43? Yeah. How about that? Yeah. Man, it flies. I guess. Everyone always says that. I feel like it's taken forever.

Well, the baby sure is. I mean, we've been doing the podcast for 25. years. Yeah, that's long. I know, but it doesn't feel like that long. That's what I'm saying. Or it does feel that long. I don't know. I feel like it's long. Life is long. Well, did you ever think

you'd be 43? I thought I'd be dead by 31. I did think I would be dead because I just always think that. I still think I would be dead by 45. I think the robots are going to shoot us. But I don't know. Move it in New York and you're like, they're like, Louis Zika is 43. And I'm like, oh! Oh, gross. That's so old. And then here we are. It was going to be 60 in a couple years. 58. Strig him up.

Well, now he's posting clips. I'm like, you got to stop doing this because he looks like a young boy. He's got a wedding band on. He's got a bright red hair. He's thin. I'm like, yikes. Yeah, you really fell off there. You really lost some hair. I'm aware. What were we just saying, though? And the Scarsese talk, he's got three hairs coming out of his nose. It's insane. The whole time, like, somebody patch this guy up, will you? Well, I saw a video last night of Springsteen played at the Stone Pony and he's starting to really look old.

He's like, can't move and he's like, 10th Avenue, freeze out. Oh, Jesus, these guys are all going to die. Everyone's going to die. The Nero looks like shit. When Keith Richards goes, that's going to be something. Yeah. That's like, oh, that guy who lived forever

who did all the drugs and smoking and never quit drinking is dead. It's over. Yeah, soon all those first rock and roll guys are going to be gone. Who are the legends? now. What you have Mick Jagger's still alive?

No, I mean, like when they die, like, who's next? Ed Shearant? You know? No, you got all the 80s and 90s legends still around. I guess so. Like, Kirk Cobain, he's still going. No, no, he's dead. What about Chris Cornell?

Well, the big four Seattle bands, three of the four lead singers are dead. But you have Venetor still around. That's true. Kim Thales around. Maryland Manson. You got, you know, Frank Black is around, and you got all the Ramones. Oh, he's dead. Yeah.

Ramones are dead. The whole band is dead. The band is dead. Bob Dylan's around. Oh, yeah, Dylan. But later than that, the other, the younger people, yeah, you still got, you know, Brian Ferry's alive. You know, the talking heads, I think, are alive. Yeah, they're alive. Blondie's alive. I'm talking about, Debbie Harry's alive. Like, Bieber, that age. Like, isn't it sad that that's going to be the Mick Jagger of its day? But still, that's still 30 years from now. What do you mean? Rick Jagger's 80. Justin Bieber's 30. I'm just saying young people, they got no one cool to look up to. I mean, they're cool to them. I guess.

I guess Kanye is pretty legendary. Yeah, but I think these people, the older people were like, who are they going to look up to? Kurt Cobain? Right, right, right. They're cool to them. Chuck wants to input something. M&M. M&M is cool.

He beat the Beatles. From 2000 to 2010, he's the highest. like selling artists and he beat the Beatles. Wow. Okay. The population's bigger. You see Godfrey with Dr. Dre? No. It was crazy.

He's doing Trump. It's hilarious. Yeah, you're going to watch it. He's on his pod? He's just hanging out with him. I don't know what the hell he's doing. Oh, wow. But you've got to hear, oh, we've got to wrap up, I guess. Oh, okay.

I got back to my son's birthday. I changed my pants. He's doing a Trump impression. He does an amazing Trump. He's with Dr. Dre. He's like, beats by Dre. He's a great doctor. Wow.

He had beats. He's one of my favorite black doctors. Oh, that's fun. But he does it amazing, and he's just hanging out with Dr. Dre. Is he laughing? Dr. Dre is doing a thing. He's like, come on, man, cut it out, whatever. What does that mean?

Yeah, he's like, yeah, whatever. All right. There you go. That legend. Dave Coolier will still be around. Yeah, my hero. Although he almost kicked off. Well, my friend had a good point, he said, because I keep going, why they have all these politicians on podcast?

Like Starvros is hanging out with Mom Dani, Tom, Tim Dillon's got Bernie And he's all. Like, what are we doing here? And he goes, it's actually really smart because it's the only thing in America that's homogenous. We used to go, we're all watching the Beatles on, it's a, we're all watching the Super Bowl. We're all listening to Kirk Cobain. Now it's, everybody's over here, splintered, up down, left, right, you're binary,

you're non-gay, you're neurodivergent, you're on Spotify, you're on YouTube. There's no TV. No one's watching Tonight Show. But politics is the only thing where we're all. come together and give a shit about? I suppose so. That's a good point. Yeah.

So when you put them on your pod, you're going to get the most views. Yeah, people want to hear what these people have to say. Yeah, the haters watch and the lovers watch. That's a good point. Let's get some politicians on. Let's get Mondami in here. I don't know. He'd make the whole episode.

He doesn't like whiter rich neighborhoods. Fair. Well, he'll like it here. That's true. All right. Well, where are you going to be there, Sloppy Jalapi? Where am I going to be? That's the great question.

I don't know why I don't prepare to say where I'll be because no one knows. I bet they're up here in the Noggin somewhere. Oh, my God. This is a lot of text. When does this come out? I have no idea. November 10th. Thank you.

Oh, tonight's stick or treat and your show. Yeah, but it comes out at like 9 o'clock, doesn't it? 9 o'clock. It's already happened. Yeah, you missed it. This weekend, oh, this weekend is Skank Fest, baby. Whoa. Hey, if you're at Skankfest this week and you have a crazy

story. Come find us. Come find Chuck. Tell them your story and he'll tape you and we'll put you in a movie. Maybe. And then Thanksgiving weekend. Oh, by the way, the Uncle Dale Firehouse show that we do every year this year at, I don't know if it's in Holbrook, I forget.

Plymouth, I think, or Brockton. Fuck, I can't remember. South Shore, I'll post the link. You'll know about it. It's this Friday after Thanksgiving. So if you're home in Massachusetts, it's going to be fun. Sarah will be on. Karen's in town. A couple local Boston people. That's going to be awesome.

November 28th. It all goes to the Holbrook Fire Department. It's a legendary show. Next weekend, I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky. And I'm doing Vegas in January of some club. I think it must be Keith. What's Keith's name again? Wise guys.

Yeah. Stubbs. Keith Stubbs, yes. Love Keith. Doing his room in Vegas. So Las Vegas, I always get requests to come to Vegas. I'm also opening for Louis there in December. So I'll be in Vegas twice in the next few weeks.

And go watch the movie. and the special small ball. There you go. Hey, I'm at Niagara Falls Casino, not bragging. You miss D.C. Then I'm in San Diego, California at the Observatory Theater. Skank Fest, of course. Oh, yeah, the Observatory.

Two shows, one sold out. Then I'm opening for Gillis and a bunch of dates. And then I'm going to Minneapolis at the Mystic Lake Showroom Casino in Pryor Lake, Minnesota. soda. So we'd love to have you. Then we got a whole bunch of new dates. Kansas City Funny Bone. I'm going back to the clubs to work out a new hour. Kansas City Funnybone? Improv. Do they change it? Oh, shit. Maybe I wrote it down wrong. Says Casey Funnybone. Maybe they changed it. It used to be the improv. It was honest. The improv. Interesting. Well, I'm in Kansas City. We'll see you there.

I get some barbecue sauce. Say hello. I'm coming all over your back. What else is? what else of clubs? I can't think of any. Oh, San Antonio, Fort Lauderdale. Ah, shit in my ass. I think Utah. Wise guys.

So yeah, what do you got, Choochooch? Check on my podcast. Funbearable. Today, November 10th, we're doing a relaunch of the podcast, all new stuff. We're starting our Patreon, which is going to be a donation Patreon with 386 episodes. that are not available anywhere else

and a new one will come out every week plus a new theme song that Mark and Joe heard I heard it last week It's clever It's something I thought you loved it I loved it I was going to say it's a little lengthy

It's long you gotta really live in it We're gonna make two versions of it One's gonna be like 30 seconds I see I see Yeah and then so yeah so check it out Funbearablepod.com at Funbearable Pod And this week we're actually putting up

an old interview we did with Mark. Oh, no. Yeah, from our old podcast that we filmed it, but we didn't really have a video component then. So there's a podcast coming out this Thursday. You probably haven't seen it. It's with Mark. It's in my house and Warren.

You went to his house? Yeah. Years ago. Wow. Yeah. So it was really fun with Brad. We had a good time. You're lucky to be live.

And I did that pod. Yeah, that's going to come out too. Yeah, it was right next to the Dunkin' Donuts Center. That was the first time we met. That was a long. time ago. That was a long, long, long time ago. Before we do the truth.

Yeah, funbearablepod.com at FunbearablePod. All right. Well, there you have it, folks. We'll see you at Skankfest. It's going to be a fucking nutty, good time. I can't wait. I love it. Sorry about my poop on my dick.

Sorry about my jizzy sock. We'll see it. Leave it up. Get on the Patreon. On Facebook.