Tuesdays with Stories! - 631 Hob Nobblin

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Joe has a spicy crotch on the road! Dr. Normand performs an allergy test! Mark goes to kiss babies and press the flesh in NOLA! Joe has a Ghostbustin' Halloween! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Get your 1st month of BlueChew FREE w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://bluechew.com/ - This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/tuesdays - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS and use code TUESDAYS and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! - Treat yourself to gear that looks good, feels good, & doesn't break the bank. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at http://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & save up to $600 on a Hydrow Rower at http://hydrow.com/TUESDAYS

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Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. That's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is fitting at me.

Folks, here we are. We're back. We're here. We're queer. Joseph. I'm gay. You got the Hiv, huh? I'm da.

I think I got the Vid. I might have COVID. I don't know. The Vid. He got the Vid. Best Vizidio. Video killed the radio star. Sure did.

Last week we talked about getting sick, the fall, the winter, the change. And here we are. Last night, just boom. It hit me. I had the chills. Like fever chills. Dah! I got chills.

They're multiplying. And I'm losing control. Do you guys ever sing and then you're like this? Wait, am I really good? No. Well, not you. I can't sing. But me.

My God. Yeah, you got some pipes. I took singing lessons for like years and years when I was in the band. Well, take some comedy lessons. And podcast. Take that. Yeah, anyways, I'm sick as a dog. I was worried that you guys wouldn't want to be near me, but you guys don't give a shit.

Who cares? I don't wear condoms. You knock it out. By the way, I had a herpes outbreak, and I tried to wear a condom with my... First of all... Over the outbreak. Yeah. We don't wear it under.

Well, that's true. It's just weird to put something over that, those blisters. Well, they were starting to heal, but it still looked nasty, so Sarah's like, come on, what are we doing here? And I'm like, all right, fine. But I had this mistake. God bless medicine, because, you know, I had Valtrex for years, and I just ran out. And then I felt the peas coming on. Yeah, yeah.

Your balls feel funny and tingly. And then you can feel it. Really? And normally I'd fucking hammer some Valtrex in there, and it just wipes it out. That is unbelievable. How do they find that, Jerry? That's a great point. I don't know.

That's why people shit on, like, modern medicine and the medicine, what do you call that? Pharma? Pharma. And you're like, I get it. They take advantage. They're corrupt. The heroin stuff and all that shit. What do you call the oxy cotton?

Oxy cotton. But at the same time, let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, for God's sakes. I love bathwater. Whitney Houston doesn't. Ooh, that boiled her up. Is that boiled? I thought it was drowned. No, I think it boiled up her skin.

Oh, Susan Boyle. I'm telling you. Well, I think she might have drowned. I think she overdosed, but then it was so hot. Who's running the pipes over there? I believe. She liked a pipe. Remember that old Geraldo joke?

Yes, it's a weird way to test the water. A guy burns his genitals. But I think she was on heroin or whatever, oxytocin crack, got all whacked out, then got in the tub, but it was scolding. Give that a good. And then she died, and her skin was all burned up. I'm telling you. The bunny and fatal attraction. I don't remember fatal attraction.

It's a whopper. There's a bunny? Yeah, Glenn Close is like the quintessential crazy. broad and he's fucking her. Then he started, Michael Douglas starts banging another lady. She flips out. And at the end, he comes home and he has a pet rabbit and it's in a pot of stew. And he opens, oh, hey, what's cooking, honey?

She put the rabbit in the pot. Oh, man, I got to get back in there for fatal attraction. I think that's what it's called. I always confuse fatal attraction and indecent proposal. They were right at the same time. Exactly. Very similar sex movies. They're both about affairs and I think Michael Douglas is,

banging both. I think so. He was a sexy cook. What do you got? You got Boyle Whitney? Yeah. It says Whitney Houston's body was ravaged by scars, cuts, and burns. It says evidence from the police and medical teams showed swaths of skin was burned. It says was burned from Houston's back after she got into scalding water. I'm telling you. And it resulted in skin slippage on her leg. Skin slippage. Whoa. Whoops.

Yeah. Her skin's slipped right off. Skippage went wet. It says it was as high as 150 degrees when she got in the tub. Wow. Who set the meter on that thing? You're not supposed to get into a hot tub if it's over like 107. Yeah, I'm telling you. What is it?

What is your body temp? 98.6. Oh. Seven? No, you're right. I think it's six. 98.6. It sounds like a radio station.

98.6. Play it all. The slippery skin hits. You're right. Body heat. Well, anyways. So I thought, you know, I'm out of Valtrex. And then you ever have this?

I'm not sure you have where you're like, let me call in a prescription, whatever. And I have a, what do you call it, a sister-in-law who's a doctor and another doctor. I got people that can, Dr. Phil, whatever that doctor is. We'll be right back. I got people that can get your medicine, but I was like, I've got all this shit going on. You know when you have something you need to do, but you're like, I'll figure it out later. That's a story of my anal. And then I think, well, how bad could it be?

I'll have a fucking... Relapse. Outbreak. Man, it was awful. Really? I was out there in Dallas. My day... I've said it before.

It's like someone put matches out on your dick. Wow. And I had no medicine, Jerry. Wow. And then I was like, all right, let me text my sister-in-law because she's a doctor. She can write a prescription. Is that awkward? Hey, sis-in-law.

My dick looks like a fucking supreme pizza. It is awkward. And then also that morning I'm like, all right, here I go, I'm going to text her. She's good at doing me favors. I'll get this done. Family text. Happy birthday, Julie.

It's her birthday. Oh, yeah. You can't ask dick favors on the birthday. Oh, man. So then I just go with it. I go with the flow. I go no medicine raw dog, which is how I got herpes. That's true.

Worst weekend of my life, you have to sit like this. Nobody knows what you're going for. Right, right. You know, when you're sick, people feel. for you. Sure. Oh, geez, thanks for doing the show. I hope you feel better.

But herpes, nobody knows. You can't just be like, hey, my dick is bleeding. Yes. Is it just like, is it skin slippage? Is it just falling off? No, it's like, it's blisters. It's tiny little blisters, and then they pop, and they're just open soars. It'd be like if you wore like a flip-flop or a shoe, a high heel, and you know how

when you were high heels, your heel gets all. That's good. Yeah, it's kind of like that. but it's on your dick hole. At the end of the night, you can't take your dick and hold it while he walking down the cobblestones. That's good. So I had that going on. So then I come back and I tell my wife, you know, I've been outbreaking all week.

It's horrible. Dustin Hoffman, Cuba Gooding Jr. And then a few days past, I'm like, I think I'm good. I finally got the medicine. I'm like, I'm taking the medicine now. And now I'm getting horny again. Okay. But she's like, that still looks pretty rough.

I googled it. You're a piece of shit. Put a condom on. Yeah, that's heavy. So I tried fucking with a condom for the first time in literally 10 years. When's the last time you fucked with a condo? Well, maybe don't answer that. No, it's been a good decade.

It's a decade. So you've got to put it on. It's unbelievable how bad condom sex is. I know. And it's 2025. We haven't upgraded? It's like the craziest thing. And like it's wild that at one point I was grateful to fuck a woman with a condom on.

Yes. I put it on. Horrible. Horrible. You can last all night. getting it opens weird, rolling it on is weird. You feel nothing, Jerry, nothing. I mean, I was inside of her, and I think when you have the condom,

you just got to be excited that you're seeing fresh tits, a new face. Sure, sure. But with your wife, with a condom, you're like, immediately I was like, all right, now I'll just jerk off. Wow. So I just, you know, I fingered her, got her off. That was great. And then I just beat one.

There you go. Wow. Yeah, it is a bummer. It's not good. Yeah, one time, boy, I was at a hoaxie. hotel room years ago. I was banging a guy with a condom. And it wasn't going great. I was like, what are we doing? She hated it. I hated it. I finish, or I, you know, I pull out, I finish the condom. I throw it on the ground. She wanted to go again like two hours later.

And I was like, we're out of condoms. And she's like, what if you put that one back on? I put it back on. I put it back on. You know how hard is you get an old condom back on? It's like getting cereal back in the box. I can't even imagine. That's not that hard. I guess you're right. I think you're thinking toothpaste. Toothpaste. Toothpaste is tough. Toothpaste.

Cereal pours right in. Serial, yeah. You just pick it up and put it in. Yeah. Well, this was not aqua fresh. Well, yeah, it was crazy. And now I'm back and finally, better than ever since last night, we're finally back. My sister was in town staying in our house.

You couldn't fuck. Now finally we're back. And I hit with a fever. But I still plowed through it, which is also sick because you're like, could you go get me medicine? I'm dying. I need to cancel everything. You take the baby tomorrow. and then she's like, you got it.

And then I'm like, would you mind if we fucked real hard? Yeah. Because sex, you can always overcome everything for sex. That's true. Overcome. Hey. But I think also sex is good for sick. Interesting. We are like, you're sick.

Sick is good for sex. Wait, sex is good for six. Because you kind of break through, you get your heart pumping, you're sweating, you're moving your body parts. Well, I've thought that too. I joked. Like, maybe I'll come out the, COVID.

Yes. And then she gets it. Right. Right. They got you. She was wearing a mask. But one time I was hung over in college and I rolled over and I banged my old lady and I felt immediately better because it just your body gets going.

It's kind of like stage health. Yes. You have a call. You do a set. You feel great. Exactly. Or the shit goes away. Exactly.

Because, you know, when you're sick, you're just kind of laying in your own bullshit and it's just ruminating. But if you can like get the wheels turning, it's kind of like a car. You can get the gunk out. That's how I felt to this morning. I got up. I took the – she said I had a workout class. I took the baby around.

I went to the gym. Lightlifting, but it still makes you feel like whatever. And then you steam, so you get some snod out. Now here we are at work. And you're like, oh, we got through it. So let me throw this at you. Speaking of sick, my baby, I said, let me give – let me do a little trial run here.

I got the kid there. I'm home with the baby. I take a – just a pinky. Hold on And I scoop up a little P.B. Peanut butter. Yeah.

And I just went Right on the tongue Just because you never know. Turned red coughing, screaming. And I was like, Oh my God,

what have I done? I'm killing this kid. So I called a pediatrician. She's like, how much did you give him? And I'm like a dollop Just a dab. And she was like,

all right, he'll probably be fine. He's going to be uncomfortable for a little bit, but he'll be fine. And I was like, Jesus Christ. But now I've got a kid with fucking peanut allergy. Oh, no. Because you're supposed to do that early as early as possible.

Oh, really? I figured nine months is pretty good, but I guess not early enough. No, I think it's, well, he doesn't have, he has two teeth, right? Two and a half, yeah. Two and a half teeth. Two and a half men. I think that's right around the right time. You did the right thing.

And then you got to give him some fish and some other bullshit. You've got to give him all those allergies. But you got to shove peanut butter right on his ass early. Well, that's what I thought because I was like, well, it's so scary, though, because you don't want to kill him. So the next day I was like, let me get him on none of the thallop. And he seemed to even more annoyed. Is he annoyed or is he dying? Well, annoyed meaning, ah, uh, uh, k, you know, he's, he's not into it. And he turns, these are two major different things. Is he not, oh, what are you saying now?

Mount turns red. His skin turns red all around here. And he's like, kind of itchy. I see. Well, those are two different things. Not into it. It's like, hey, I don't like, I'm not into dick. But it doesn't make me break out in hives. I don't know. I'm into pussy. It makes me break out to herpes. It's very close to HIV. Good point.

Yikes. You throw it E on there. It's kind of like improv and improve. And canker and cancer. What's up with that? Whoa. Cancer culture. People are like, hey, you got a canker on my...

What do you call that? But now we're all over the place. What do you call it? What's a cancer? What do you do? Radiation. Chemo. Chemo.

Chemo. Cetolent. HEMO, Curley, and Larry. Does he have a peanut allergy? I assume, I mean, he goes red. Take him to the doctor. You might want to do this stuff under the supervision of a doctor. Yeah, that's the plan.

That's the plan. What did your wife say? She said, same thing. But I thought I could kick it. I was like, oh, he's clearly got a little allergy. Let me hit him again and then again and again, but it's not helping. Yeah, you got exposed. I forget everything so quick.

I can't remember if it was three weeks or nine. months or two years, but I know you've got to shove shellfish in his ass, peanuts in his butt, ketchup, whatever the fuck, what are the other allergens? I don't know. What do people are looking to? My cousin is allergic to eggs and apples. Oh, apples, certain apples

fuck me up a little bit. Oh, really? I get itchy gums. But not like, I don't die. Then there's eggplant, there's gluten, there's lactose. Right. There's blacks. Yeah, a lot of things can make you uncomfortable. He's allergic to blacks. He's in big trouble. Well, I know it. I'm like, die. You're such a

Brooklyn Cqueef. You got a peanut allergy, you Puss. But what could you do? But I do have a good... Let me throw this egg. I have a good feeling for this next generation. I'm not talking about Gen Z. I'm talking about the one after it. What is that? Alpha? I can't remember. Alpha Romero? Yeah, that's something

like that. Okay, here's my theory. Trans has gone down 50% with young people. 50%? In the last what? A couple years? In the last year. Like from last year to this year, it's 50% down. That's insane. Wow. That's quite a drop because you see the older people do it.

And you go, well, these are nerds. They're on Facebook and trans. Right. I'm on TikTok and I keep my dick talk. Right. So then that's good. Peanut allergies are down, ironically, with kids. Also great. Another thing, women are dressing like horrors again.

I love that. I was just in New Orleans and I'm at the college bar selling bodega cat. And all the young gals are wearing the short skirt, the boots, they're all smoking. It felt like the 90s, Jerry. I'm excited. I mean, I love a slutty outfit and a cigarette. Something about bad breath and thighs. That's my bio.

Well, you got to meet Chuck. But, yeah, no, I'm with you. And they said garage bands are coming back. There's a lot of good. Nature is healing. Retard is back. Gay is back. I think things are cooking.

Yeah, everything swings. Swings, Jerry. I'd like to swing. Yeah. I'd like to spread this disease around. Wow. So I'm worried about the boy here. I know.

I think so you make an appointment? I did. Yeah. You go in there? I think they can fix that shit, though. I think so at this age. I got to get in early. It's like gay.

If he's nine months, it's just a little itch. He's not choking. He's not dying. But, I mean, I gave him just a dab. Right. Like a bugger worth. Right. A good-sized booger.

Well, I, I, I, I think he'll be okay. Okay, okay. I know that boy like I think I do. He's going to be just fine. I eat peanut butter every day. Yeah, I love peanut butter. I had a peanut butter bagel earlier.

I had a B, B, B, B, B, and J. B, B and B. So, yeah, I had a crazy weekend if you're ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm a fun weekend, but not crazy. Let me get up. I got to get up because if I'm going to, I'm too sick to lay down.

Oh. I got to get straight up. Get some circulation. Woo. There you go. Warified air. So I'm doing the baby thing now So I do Friday, Saturday, home Sunday

That's my new schedule All right You know, you used to do the Thursday to Sunday Right You come home Monday Just get all the weekend shows And you can't So now I'm Friday Saturday

But my bodega cat guy Matt Herman He's our distributor He's the lifeblood He keeps the train on the tracks Me and Sam We don't know what the hell we're doing No you don't

So he goes, we got to get you down in New Orleans one night for a full day and just, we're making good headway in New Orleans. You're from there. It's a drinking town. If we can get you down there, we can sell the shit out of it. You make you shake hands. You get into a restaurant. You schmooze. You drink. You hobnob, whatever you want to call it. This sounds great. But it's a lot of work. Certainly. It's basically a meet and greet all day. Yeah, well, you're a business guy. I know.

businessman. You think, hey, I'll start a whiskey. I'll put my name on it and Sam's name on it. We'll put it on a shelf. Jed's a millionaire. No, that's the thing. The thing is you. I know, I hate me. This isn't, you know, Pete Silverstein's vodka. No, those Jews know how to do it. This is Mark Norman and Sam Maril vodka. They want to see you. They want to meet you. Or whiskey. Anyone could just get a whiskey. They want to get your whiskey. I know. You're right. I know you. They want to see you. They want to feel you. But Kevin Hart has a tequila. He's not going down to hob-knob, is he?

I don't know what he does. Well, he's big. Well, he's little. But you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, he does. He hob-nobs everywhere else. It's all he does is hobnobs. This is a fucking guy. That's true. He's a hobnoblin. He's literally just a salesman. I haven't seen him tell a joke in four years. No one has. It's crazy. Okay. Well, hopefully he doesn't hear this. This will go over his head.

So he goes, this is months ago. How about this date? And I go, all right, October 30th. The next day, I'm in Baltimore. So maybe we'll go down October 30th at like 8 a.m., land in New Orleans at 1030, and just go. And he's like, all right, fuck it. And I've just been dreading this date on the calendar for weeks and weeks.

Finally, it's here. Get on the flight, land in New Orleans. They pick up at the airport, and you go right to a restaurant. Oh, boy. And he set up a whole handshakes, bottle signing. There's people drinking. There's a bartender. There's food. And we just get right in there. My parents show up. High school friends show up. It was fun. That was Sam there also? No, no, no. Just me. I'm the New Orleans guy. He'll handle the other places, I hope. So we made a lot of sale. People from restaurants coming in, bars coming in. Hey, we'd love to be on your menu. Hey, the taste, it's pretty good. Oh, yeah, this is good. Where'd you go to high school? You know, the whole thing.

So then we go, we finished that. That's three hours. All right. Then we go to a pizza joint. And this pizza place is going to put you on the menu. It's all about getting on the menu. Right. Because if you're the old-fashioned on the menu, that's a guarantee they're going to pour out of your bottle. Right.

So that's what it is. It's all about getting on the menu. We're on the menu at the seller and the comedy store. Wow. Which is very exciting. That's big. Yeah. Not big enough to, you know, sustain or make any money, but it's a start.

But it's steady or something. The aisle. Yeah. So, boom. We do the first one. Then it's off to the pizza place. That's a couple hours. Bam, bam, bam, man.

We do like five of these. We do another with the Windsor Court Cafe, which is the nicest restaurant in New Orleans. It's like the tavern on the green of New Orleans. And it's all these turtlenecks and tuxedos and all these hot people. And there's a guy playing a piano. I meet the guy who owns Caesar's Casino. What?

Yeah. Julius? Yeah, 8-2 Brute. And he owns the Superdome. Wow. Or Cesar's does, not this guy. Right, right. But Cesar's is big and Nola.

Yeah, Cesar's is huge. Yeah, pizza pizza. So I meet him. He's going to hook us up with the casino. So it was all very productive. Okay. So far so good. So far so good.

Now, this is where it gets heavy. They go, we're going to bring you to the boot. Now, the boot is the hottest college bar. It's right next to Tulane. It's where all the kids, I used to go there when I was a kid. I got beat up there. I got thrown out there. I fucked a girl there once.

It's just the old staple. It's like Flora Bama, you know. It's one of those things, where everybody gets dressed up and it's a lot of broie guys and hot chicks and shots. They used to have quarter pitcher night when I was a kid.

That's insane. Yeah. A quarter for a pitcher? Yes. I mean, that would be obscene. That would be ugly. You'd roll up with a lot of change and just throw it at the guy,

and then he would hand you nine pitchers and you'd black out. That's fucking one. And we all drove. Sure. Yeah. Well, in Massachusetts, it's illegal to do that. You can't even do that.

What? You can't have any drink specials. What? Yeah, at least it used to be like that when I was banging. Wow. It was against the rules to be like happy, happy hour was banned. Wow. Yeah, because everyone would just fist fuck each other.

And you guys close it, too. For this big Irish drinking football town, you guys roll it up early. That's just in Boston. Everywhere outside of the city was one. Wow. Yeah, it was crazy. Jeez. And then the subway stops at 1230.

How about that? The subway shuts down at 1230 a.m. And you can drink till 2. It's literally an trapment. That's an entrapment. It sure is. Wow, we couldn't have different childhoods. I grew up with 24-hour bars, and we knew the days of the week by the drink special.

You're like, oh, it's Monday. So that means it's penny shots over at Hoo-hoo's. Drink specials were banned. I told you, Derek got thrown out of a bar called Bogartz in Bridgewater, Massachusetts, It's because he ordered a pitcher was just drinking out of the pitcher. Oh. And it wasn't even trying to be funny.

He was just like, well, this is the beer. I'll just drink out of that. Why don't have to pour it in a glass? It's a receptacle. You can't do that. Wow. DJ Jazzy Jeffed him. Interesting.

Yeah. Well, so we go to the boot. My friend goes, I got your costume. He gave me a pickle. I was Don Pickles. That's not bad. Something. I like that.

I came up with that. I liked it. Did you do it? You should do it, schick? That's not bad. And I kept saying, what's the deal? This is how you got to the top. I'm trying.

These kids didn't care for it. Hey, hey, folks. We're live at Skank Fest. So I apologize about the audio. I'm drunk. He's gay. That's the water. I'm going to kill myself after this.

But we're going to do the ads. It's been a long weekend. I'm hurting and my assholes bleeding. Hey, two stores brought you by, Blu. Fellas, you may hit it out of the park every time, but what's the harm in keeping a little helper just in case? Pick up some blue chew and be ready to perform 110% of the time.

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days to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup prize picks. It's good to be right. Go make some money and enjoy a game. Praise Allah. But I get there and you know what's weird is I'm 42-year-old Keefe. I'm at the boot. All these kids are 19, 18. They're all dressed up in costumes. The girls look amazing. They're all dressed as whores and cats and skanks or whatever they are. And everybody's dressed up as fun stuff. Labowski over here. You got a hobo over there. And I still feel like

these kids are cool. These are the cool kids. They're all the Tulane rich, hot, sexy guy. He's on the crew team and he's a football player. Well, any group is intimidating because you worry that there's like six bros being like, this guy sucks. He's not even funny. He's a faggot.

And so you're like this. What are you guys saying over there? I know. What is this? That's why intermodalogue. Because you think you're cool. Because here, you're cool. Right. I mean, we got Chuck sitting across from us. We couldn't be any cooler. You got that right.

But you go to Tulane, all of a sudden, they're into TikTok, they're into pussy, they don't know you. They're young, they're handsome, they're sexy. They're cool. They're in the know. How about this for Don Pickles? Hey, you, uh, cucumber here often? Hey.

Cucumber. Cucumbers are pickles, right? Right. This is tough. Yeah, that's not easy. I got caught girking off. Okay. All right.

So I'm at the boot, and then, you know, one of the owner guys is like a fan of comedy. So he's like, I got you guys up in the crow's nest. I got you the best seat in the house, whatever. So they got us up in this nice little lifted up place. So I'm in the boot. I'm just overlooking, like, just thinking, reflecting. Like, I used to come here 25 years ago. Is that right?

Math was. Sounds right. 18, 17. Yeah. One time I went to the boot. And the boot was always like, all right. get your head on straight. We're going to the boot.

This isn't just some dive bar. We're trying to get laid. We're trying to have fun. Boot is big. And I couldn't. I was, I was 17. It'd be 18 to get in. So I found a wristband on the ground.

And I put it on and I just sealed it tight and it stayed on. I was like, I'm in. I go up to the guy at the bar or the door guy, big giant black guy. And he goes, you've been in here? I go, yeah, I've been in here. I got the wristband. And he goes, all right, all right. as I'm walking in, it just falls right off.

And I saw it in slow motion. He grabbed me. There was double doors. One was closed and one was open. He grabbed me, slammed me against the closed door, pulled me back, and it threw me out onto the sidewalk. It was the most embarrassed because you're like, you know, it's glass. So everyone outside sees you like, hoit! And it made this big thud.

And then he pulled me back. He peeled me off the door and then threw me on the sidewalk and I rolled eight times. Oh, boy. And people just step it over. me like look at this fag. Now, is there any party that's like, what if he's here? No, he's dead. Yeah, probably.

Diabetes, something. But that was 25 years ago. But now I'm in. Now I'm surveying. Now I have the best seat. I'm in a pickle costume. I'm half in the bag. This is great.

We're serving. And then the owner guy goes, okay, so we had Kylie Jenner here last week. The whole place went on TMZ was here. And I'm like, ah. He's like, now it's good to have another celebrity. I'm like, what? This is the biggest. fall from greatest drop-off

in celebrity in history. You're better than Kylie Jenner? She's huge. I don't even know what she looks like. Who gives a shit? Jenner. She's a hot hunk of giz. She's a Kardashian?

Yeah, she's the young, hot one. She's dating all the rappers. Or Timothy Schumlamu? She's banging. Salame? Yeah. Let me see this woman. You're not going to like her.

Pull her up. I know. She probably has big giant lips and stupid. And big tits and a fat ass. I can't stand these women. She's very attractive. I disagree. I like Kendall the best.

but I'm alone on that one. I used to have a Kendall. Folks. They're the same body. Pretty generic Kardashian-Rashy. She's hot. Not my cup, but she's hot. She's hot.

Lips and eyes and all the whole thing. It's all fake. That's pretty... That's a good-looking woman. Yeah, it's just not my thing. I don't like too grand of a thing. She's grand. Whoa, I got big fake lips and I'm all made up.

My hair's swoopy. Give me like a bag of shit kind of like... You like plane. It works at CVS. Give you a plane. Jane. I want Emma Stone, who Stavros is friends with that pimple. Yeah, yeah, that's a big pimple.

My God. Who's at her house? That's crazy. I know Greg Stone. My tissue's coming apart. All right. So, go ahead. So Kylie Jenner, fuck her.

She was there a week before, but the news is there. TMZ is there. Everybody from New Orleans showed up to see this horror on the bar. So they're like, Kylie Jenner went on the bar. She poured drinks for everybody. a place went apes shit. You should do that. And I'm like, ah, no one's going to know who I am.

And I'm going to be interrupting the music. They're having a good time. It's Halloween. These kids are cutting loose. And I go up there, excuse you, hello. You guys want to be bodega cat? They're going to go, Bo, who? Get out of here.

You come guzzled Nazi. Now, did anyone come to see you? Was it advertised that you were going to be there? I had about four nerds come out and say, hey, I want a photo. Hey, this is cool. Hey, one guy called me Andrew Maril. That was fun.

I think he mixed like six comics up. One guy called me Norm MacDonald, which I get all the time. But, you know, good times. Now, here's the clinker. So 30 minutes before we go on, I'm pretty sloppy. I'm by the bar,

getting another drink. And this girl, really pretty girl, walks up to me. She must have been 18. And she goes, are you that comedian guy? And I'm starting to feel pretty good. I'm like, yeah.

She goes, fuck you. That's our seat. you took our seat no one knows who you are fuck you you ruined our night you piece of shit you're not famous no one cares that you're here

and I'm just like everything I thought she was yelling at me that's amazing that's like a horror film it was a horror film I mean that's amazing because it feels like a thing

that later on it's revealed that wasn't a real person there wasn't a big twist she was real Jerry and so I was like and I go fucking cunt and she walked away

That's all I can think of. That's pretty good. I mean, it was, it's cutting. It's something. It's no Don Pickles, but it's good. She got me, though, but she got me right through the heart with a wooden steak. And it just came out of nowhere. And I was like, geez, it was like one of those things where you're like, I need a minute.

That was jarring. I like hurt my feelings. It was a surprising element of surprise. I was on my heels. Did you have a buddy with you or just this Matt whatever guy? I had a guy from high school there. But he was up, you know, getting drunk. Right.

So I was alone in that moment, and you're like, ah, what am I? I'm like, I can't go to the bar, Kylie Jenner. So I was just back. I went back to the table, defeated. And I go, this fucking gal yelled at me. And the guy who owns the place goes, what? Who? And I go, I don't know, just some girl who was at the bar.

And he was like, point her out. Wow. I'm like, no, I don't want to get it. And he goes, no, that's crazy behavior. No one should act like that. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, fuck her. I got such low self-esteem.

I was like, she's got a point. I'm with her. But he was like, what? That's insane. So I go, I don't know. She blends in. 20 minutes later, I'm about to go on the bar. I'm walking up the steps to the get up to the bar.

I see her. And I go, that's her. And this guy with a flashlight goes, hits her once. They swarm her. They throw her out. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Very satisfying. Just because you nailed it. It doesn't mean you get to run your mouth. Yeah. That's so fun to have a flashlight. I always wanted to be a door guy with a flashlight and then you fucking cattle prodig guy. I wish I was big and black just so I could fuck my wife in front of me. If you could film it once and then you just watch it forever.

Yeah, exactly. That would be nice. So did they cuff her or they zip tire? Did you get to say, hey, see you later, lady? She was a little Twinkie broad. They just dangled her right out of there like Tinkerbell. Speaking of Twinkies, how's Rupert? Folks.

That's exciting. I'm glad you got revenge on this twat. By the way, Big, they should do a remake as a big black guy. That would change the whole movie. Didn't we talk about this? I don't think so. That's a good idea. I just came up with it.

Where was it? No, somebody... Wait, what show was I on? Oh, maybe it was the Regs. Oh, no. Because you changed the Big, you changed the letter. I think this was on the regs. Yeah, I think it was on the regs.

But it's, yeah, it's not bad. That's something. Sorry, I got confused because I was like, didn't we just do this joke? Well, every other never... They make it a black guy. So make big a black guy. And make him huge. So, but is he a little, is he white to begin with?

That's a good question. I thought you were saying he makes the wish and they make black by accident. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. So yeah, make him a little Jonah Baskill, a little white kid in the burbs, and then he gets zapped or whatever by the video game. And maybe he gets zapped by like a food stamp or something. And then he becomes the big black guy. and then his whole life is better in some ways and worse than some.

He gets pulled over, but he's also plowing the high school team. Yeah. I haven't played Shaq. Shack play him, I meant to say. Yes, yes, Shaq. Sometimes Shaq's voice is so deep that I'm waiting for him to be like, no, I'm just kidding. Like he's like, yeah, you know, we got the game. And then he's like, nah, no, I don't talk like that. That's crazy.

How crazy that. I have two podcasts and both had a conversation about Big as a black person. That's crazy. I'm dying over here, by the way. So whatever. I'm stuffed. I do the bar, and I got to say it went great. I got up there, and people just started going,

it's like baby birds. I was just pouring jizz in their mouth all night. And pretty hot, by the way, pouring a bottle into a girl's mouth, and she's like, and it's going everywhere. You're like, damn, this is kind of sexy. Yeah, that's like the hottest thing I can imagine. Yeah, and I'm just up there like, whoa, I'm in a pickle. Holy shit.

And I go up and down the bar. I do it. Everybody loved it. And then I got off stage. I kept drinking. then I go, holy shit, I'm trashed, and I still got to go to Baltimore tomorrow. Oh, boy. And it's like, you know, two in the morning, flights at seven, get it together.

So woke up, got on a Southwest flight. Oh, my God. That's all they had direct. You know you pick your seat on that? It's the weirdest system with Southwest. No, I haven't fly. I mean. They go, you're in Group A, you're in Group B.

So Group A walks on. It's an empty plane, and you just pick where you sit. Oh, wow. It's like a first come first serve. Yeah. General admission. Yeah, but you're like, well, just sit in A1. Right.

You know, why would I go? What am I going to go to the back? Right. It's just feel it. So I'm like, is this okay? And they're like, it's open. I'm like, well, why did everyone walk? I'm in group B and people walk right past one.

Well, I think some people don't want to sit in the front. They think it's not cool, like a bus. Oh, not me. I'm white. They think they're going to die first. I'm Rosa Park. I went right up there. They think they're going to like, you know, if you crash,

it's going to be them dying. That is silly and dumb, but God bless you. This, I was up in the front and I was like, I went from Haiti Southwest to Loving because I'm like, I bought a regular ticket and I'm in the front. That's pretty good. It's pretty good. Now, isn't it like first class, too?

No, no, that would be hilarious. I had a slave and a Butler, but no, no, it was just regular seating. It's all one class. And, yeah, just got up to the front. So I was like, I love Southwest now. And flew to Baltimore and just nursed that hangover and did two shows on Halloween. Halloween shows. How was that?

Were people dressed and retarded? It was good because it was one of those like, oh, no one's coming. The tickets are horrible because it's Halloween. Everybody's like, I'm going to go to a party. I'm going to trick a treat. Why would I go see your dumbass? And then it just sold out that night. It was one of those things.

Oh, no. Well, I think a lot of people don't want to be out on Halloween. Maybe. You can run over kids and there's people egg cars, people take shits on your forehead. Also, you get the costume riffs. And there was an Asian guy dressed as a hot dog. And I go, shouldn't you just be a dog? You know, and we're having fun.

They got the witch lady. The guy dressed as a Homer Simpson or a minion, whatever. So you get the whole thing with that. Oh, that's fun. I don't think I've ever done stand-up on Halloween, or not ever, but not in 20 years. Well, it's a good time until your wife is like, here's your son trick-or-treating. And you're like, oh, what am I doing? I'm out here.

They're all dressed up and the burbs eating snickers. Yeah, where was she? She went to Newton. I saw the photo, yeah. I think it's Newton. Newton, the safest town in America. Then they had a murder. A lot of comedians from there.

Oh, really? Well, Louis C.K., John Fish, Matt LeBlanc. Oh, wow. Yeah, they went to high school together. What? Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. Who else is from Newton?

Is it Newton or Needham? Needham is a different place. Might be Needham. Maybe it's a Needham. I don't love them, but I need them. Chuck, would you do me a huge favor and grab me some toilet paper or something like that? I got to blow this nose. I'm disgusting.

I'm dying over here. I can't breathe. I can hear it. Thanks, buddy. I'm going to blow my nose off camera. Boy, that's quite a sash you got there. Yeah, yeah. So Baltimore was fucking awesome.

Magubis is really leveled up. All the comments you've got to go to Magoobis. They really put it through a coat of paint on that place. And we had a great time. Umar killed it, opening. Love Umar. We went to a, Fells Point in Baltimore.

You've been there? It's like the cute, swanky area that's all cobblestone and brick. Yeah, that's where the other club is. That's where the port is. The port, and that's what I was going to say, I think this improvement at Bougbies, they got the port to think. Oh, interesting. Because that's what happens.

And this is why capitalism works, Mandami, is that the port gets all hot, new, cool. Comics go there and go, this place is awesome. And the other guy goes, we got to step it up. He goes, fuck, we're losing people. We're in the suburbs. That's not cool. They're in the cobblestone, waterfront. It's a crazy location.

Yeah. Sleepless in Seattle house is right there. What? And so then Magoobis is like, we got to paint this place and make the green room better because competition breeds whatever or something. Yeah. Oh, my God. Dining. Sorry.

Excellence, I think. But yeah, yeah. It was cool. And I went and saw the other club. It's very, it's very cool. Oh, you never did it? No, I'm a McGooley. The Goobie's guy, because the problem with the port is, I think it's like 80 seats.

It's very small, but yeah, you'd have to do 75 shows. Right. But if you were in town on a Tuesday or passing through, that room is hot. Good point. Good point. For me, Magoobies, and I'm grateful to Magoomis, and I'll probably be back at Magoos, Andrew's a great guy. But it's a fucking stadium. It's big.

It's a barn. And then the... It's vaulted. Yeah, it's absolutely huge. The stage is 80 feet long. Right. and whatever. And then the port is just like intimate.

Yeah, and Baltimore is such a kooky city because you're like, okay, everybody's like, oh, CVS is on fire. The bridge fell down. It's all murderville. But then you go to Fell's Point, you're like, this is goddamn beautiful, stunning. But then you go two blocks that way and your car gets broken into and your girlfriend gets ass fucked. And then, but then you go out to Magoobies and it's a bunch of honkies out there. I can't get a feel on it. Yeah, it's a crazy city.

But then they can fill up a Ravens game and an Orioles game. Yeah. So there's a lot of people, I guess. Well, Maryland is also one of the wealthiest states. So I think on the outskirts, you have very affluent people, and then you've got inner city troubles, but it's a beautiful town. It is. And we've got some great buddies from there.

Umar, Stavros. Nick Mullins from there. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Eldis. Edgar Allan Poe, Babe Ruth. Diner. now the movie yes

who's that guy Barry Levinson yeah Levinson he must be from there who else Baltimore oh Lane Medis oh really yeah yeah Baltimore and Baltimore on Cal Ripkin

played there oh yeah how about the world seer unbelievable one of the greats one of the great world series of all time game seven was insane so let me tell you a little bit about my Halloween

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Back to the show, folks. This is Halloween. Let me see some of these fucking notes here, because I got to make sure. I guess. Oh, how about this? This is wild. I just learned this. So Halloween night, I had my sister in town. She brings my nephew, her son, who's a senior in high school. He brings his girlfriend. So I got my sister and my nephew and his girlfriend all staying at my house. You've been to my house. It's a very small apartment. So I just have three people sleeping in my living room. Wow. Then you have a two-year-old kid that wakes up. So you've got to like sneak him through to my bedroom. Now he's just on the bed with me because you're trying not to wake these people up. But then they're in your... house, so it's kind of like, what the fuck. Yeah, yeah. And so we have Halloween, and these young kids, they don't always want to

do things. I, they're fucking quiffs. It's a, it's strange to me. Halloween was so fun to me. I know. Like an adult, you dress up, you go to a party, you go see something creepy. And a house, a haunted house, smash a pumpkin, or another band. A scary movie, anything. So, you know, Marty's two now.

So he's like, pups. We all got skeleton costumes. The big thing, me, Sarah and him, we all dress as skeletons. We're a family of skeletons. And in New York City, if you're not familiar, you trick-or-treat in buildings. We live in a huge building,

and people would sign up to participate. This is another thing that's weird. Maybe it's a lot of foreigners, I don't know. We have, like, 114 units, and you have to sign up if you want to participate in trick-or-treating, like giving out candy. I guess people don't want to get knocked on. I guess, but most people, it's inside the buildings.

People just leave candy out and say, Happy Halloween. Enjoy. That was like most of the houses. Okay. It was only like 16 units. Oh, that's appalling. You're like, buy some candy.

Leave it out, you fucks. Yeah. I don't get these, don't participate people. Cheap cunts, they're all stillborn or sterile. Well, I think a lot of them are from, you know, Pakistan or something. They're like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Right, right. They'll leave out a curry or a samosa.

But anyway, so we go, we've got to go trick-or-treating. We sign up. set up to can't. We had music playing. We had a little strobe light and a pumpkin and a balloon. It was fun. We got, we did it up. Three Q. And then you're wondering what kind of how is money going to take to trick-or-treating. So we go to the first apartment. He knocks on the door and he says, and trick-t-tick-de- And the lady comes and she's got a tray. And this is Manhattan. So this lady, I'm used to like white trash horseshit. She has a silver tray with full candy bars like lined up in order with a big circular thing.

Whoa. And he was very respectful. He just took one candy bar. Adorable. Very sweet. He said, thank you. By the way, this morning we were leaving, he's like, trick or treating.

He wants to go trick-or-treating every day now. That's lunch. So she was great. That was awesome. And then, this is the other funny thing. Sarah's like, we've got to get him a little plastic pumpkin to collect the things in it. Now I'm a white trash piece of shit. So I'm like, what are you talking about?

Pillowcase. Yeah, or a shopping bag. So we had a fucking, like, cum-stained, loomed-up pillowcase. This long. It's longer than him. Right. And everyone has these cutsy little things.

And Sarah's like, we got to get him something next year. This is embarrassing. I'm like, well, whatever. A bag's a bag. I know. Well, we're in a luxury Manhattan apartment.

We're walking around with a fucking pillowcase. But I thought it was fun and funny. And so we went door to door. There's only a few doors. You got to walk up all these floors of carrying them. But he had a great time. Wait, what's the costume? Skeletons.

Oh, both of you? All three of us are skeletons. Oh, wow. But Sarah painted her face up all. all crazy and sexy and scary. Yeah, it was all black. And anyway, so that was awesome. We finished trick. It's like 5 o'clock.

It goes from 5 to 8. So it's like 5.20. And then my nephew and his girlfriend are just sitting around the house. I go, all right, let's go. We'll go to the parade. Because New York City has a massive Halloween parade. That's true. This is thrilling. And I haven't been in years. I used to go when I was drinking.

You go down to the village and get fucking blackout drunk. It's a hoot. And I holler down. I mean, it's packed. The sidewalks are jammed. You can't move on the subway. It's crazy down there. It's insane.

And everyone should experience it. I've said this for many years. New York City, all the holidays are the best in New York City. That's true. They're amplified. Thanksgiving. You have the Macy's Day parade. Christmas.

You got Rockefeller Center. Santa with the bell, the tree. All the stuff, the big massive tree and Central Parks all done up, whatever. And then Halloween, you have the massive parade. New Year's Eve, of course. Sure, the ball drop. Fourth of July is exciting, whatever. So I go, fuck it.

We trick-or-treated. Marty's all jacked up. He's loving it. It's only quarter of six. Braids at seven, and it starts not far from us. It starts in Soho. Okay. Goes all over to the village.

So I go, come on, let's all go. Come on, you fucks. I got these young people just sitting there like lumps. Well, they got this. This is all they need. I'm telling you, they're barefoot, sitting on their laps. And they go, well, we're going to go out to eat. And I'm like, all right.

And it's also funny because they're visiting from Whitman, Massachusetts. My nephew's like, I found a place called Serafina. It's an Italian restaurant. I'm like, you go to Serafina? It's like a high-end place. Week. Week. Get a piece of pie, a pizza.

You know, get some New York shit. A cheesecake. So they're going out and I go, all right, well, whatever. We're going to the fucking parade, God damn it. So we throw Marty in the stroller. He's dressed as a skeleton. Everyone's going crazy because they see a family dressed as a, skeleton. They go, oh my God, you guys look

great, spooky, whatever, array. We jump on the train. We take the train up a few stops. We get off at Franklin Street. As soon as you get off the train, just Bap-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bbit. Big music, and I go, what the fuck? Look over. I didn't even

occur to me. The train stop is right in front of the Ghostbusters. Oh! What do you call it? The Firehouse. Have you ever been there on Halloween? No. It's fucking bananas. I got to show you the photos.

This literally a thousand people, the state puff marshmallow man is blowing. He's like 50 feet high. They have a DJ. The DJ is a skeleton. They had the, whatever you call the fucking car. Oh, the Ectomobile or Ecto I. They have that thing out there. The firemen are all handing out candy.

They're dressed up. On the way, it's an active firehouse. I'm like, if there's a fire, they got to kick out 800 fucking children. Yeah. You're going to burn alive. It was people. everywhere. It was awesome.

And then all everyone's posing with the fire trucks, the thing, and then Marty's obsessed with fire trucks. And so that was awesome. Amazing. And it was a total serendipitous mistake. We just got off and was like, hey, what's that music? And met all these great people. Everyone was so in good spirits.

I met a whole family. There was seven of them dressed as Shark Week. They all had shark costumes with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Oh, that's great. And I was like, I got to get. a photo you guys and then I took one with their camera and then there was... Great whites. Same. All these people dressed up

and then we walk up a few blocks to the beginning of the parade. And it's just packed and everyone's got cool cotton. And then there there there there's people with scary costume. Yeah. Marty's just unfazed. He's just like... Good. People like chainsaw head, beheaded people, whatever. ISIS. Then we

check out a little bit of the parade, the beginning of the parade. That's exciting. It's awesome. Cops. He's like, he's going nuts because it's like a police, a clown. A bear, construction, everything he wants, is there. This is a fun night. Then there was a guy, a beautiful professional photographer taking a phone. He's like, can I get a photo of your family?

This is perfect. And I said, yeah, we pose. I was like, can you send me those? He goes, no, but I need your names. I'm the New York Times photographer. Whoa. And I have a moment. I'm like, nah, I don't want to be in the New York Times.

I was like, I'd rather not. I was like, could you send him to me, though? He's like, we don't really do that. And I was like, all right, I think he was mad because I wasted his time. Yeah, but now he's just a photo of your family. He just took, like, a bunch of photos, but I'm like, well, I don't want my son in the New York Times. No.

Good point. Yeah, it was kind of awkward. I was like, all right, I can't get those. He's like, no. And I was like, all right, well, you can't use them. Yeah. He just kind of took off. Well, hey.

You're like, just shoot me an email. Come on. I know. You got a great photo of my family. Anyways, so we walked through Tribeca. Then I'm like, let's just walk back. Then we're walking through Tribeca. There's a guy dressed as a perfect

Pennywise, like modern day Pennywise. And there's a person filming him with a camera, but this looks cool. He's got the balloon, and he's just standing there. And I'm kind of kind of shield Marty because he's got blood in his face. So I walked through the next day on Instagram,

I see it was Ed Shearren. What the fuck? Ed Shearin put on like this crazy Pennywise. We walked right by him. Wow, you couldn't tell was an Irish cunt in there? No, because he's all made up. You can find it.

I'll send you in the... Instagram thing. You see all these quiffs, they go, oh, you live in New York, I got a house in Michigan for the price you pay

for rent, I get 17 pools, a car, and a golf course. That's what it's all about. You're at the parade. You're at the firehouse with the Ghostbusters. You're fucking Ed Shearin.

It was really something else. And I told you that story. I saw him in an invite-only concert in Dublin. I remember that. And I left early. I was like this. All right, I get it.

Yeah, yeah. It was like 80 people. It was like a private thing. People would have paid a billion And I was like this. Okay, I get it. He's got red hair. He plays guitar.

I remember at the time, it was so long ago I'd never heard of him. And you were like, oh, there was girls everywhere. They were screaming. I was like, man, this guy must be like a James Dean or something, Beber type. But I looked at it and I was like, ah. That's how I felt. I never heard of him either. I was like, yeah, I'll go.

Sounds cool. And then, yeah, it was like literally thousands of teen. I'd be like, oh, my God. Yeah. And then I had the wristband thing. I was like, can I give my wristband to someone? They're like, you can't do that. That sucks.

Yeah. I have a wristband to see this artist Close up invite only Let me give it to some teenager Of course, I get a head Yeah, in exchange for a blowjump Yeah, head shirin So anyways, that was good

That's a good I hope these fucking queef kids appreciated it No, they didn't come They went out to dinner It was just me and my sister And then we got home And like, you're just telling the story

They're like, yeah, they're not You're like, oh, we should have gone. They're like, well, whatever. God, they can't be phased because the rods and cones are all numbed up. Yeah, so that was annoying. And then, I did it. Frustrating, but still awesome, fucking great Halloween. Hell yeah.

The next day, I took them to the top of the World Trade Center, the whole crew. It's right across the street from my house. And I'm like, let's go up to the tallest building in the Western Hemisphere. Yeah, you got that right. I'll take you up there. And I was like seven of it. It's like $300. It's like $300.

Let's get up there. They're all just on the bench looking at TikTok. I'm like, looking at this guy. I'm like, look at this. Marty's going nuts. He's running around, sprint laps. He's in the window like Ferris Bueller. Should have taken that phone and chucked it right off the roof.

I know. Like a gay in Afghanistan. This is a nice moment. I go up to, you know, people are hungry. There's like a little cafe thing at the top of the building. And I go, yeah, they'll give me a box of those, one of those, two of those. I'll take a vanilla donut, a chocolate donut. As a young black lady behind the thing, she goes,

just so you know, these are $7 a piece, these donuts. Seven bucks a piece. That's banana. The top of the World Trade Center. Because they got you up there, Jerry. Of course. It's like an airport. What are you going to do?

So I was like, oh, my God. Thank you for telling me. I'll just have two donuts. And then I go, let me ask you this. Is there a, I live across the street discount? And she's like, you're from here? And I was like, yeah, I live right there. You can see my building from the top of the tower.

And she's like, I'll give you a free donut. Hey! How about that? What's a boy? bunch of Cleveland cunts out there. You get to be a nice local. I love Cleveland. So that was cool. And then last but

but not least of my stupid gay stories, I got to talk about my SESH Comedy Club show. I heard about this from afar. This was a special night. The next one's November 19th. I don't know. Maybe that's this week. Maybe that's past. I have no idea what day it is. But we did the

SES show. Joe List downtown comedy showcase. Best show in North America if you ask me. It's a hot room. It's a hot crowd. It's a hot time. That club is awesome. So I have, here's the lineup. Me, Sarah Talamash, Nick Griffin, Dayton Beset, Colin Quinn, Brendan Sagalow. Hey. Now, can I tell you something? Luke Monos has been talking about this for a while. That Brendan, I made fun of him. I didn't believe him. I'm like, you're out of your mind.

Sagalow's a retard. He may be the funniest comic in America. This guy is just next level. I'm telling you, he's been on the row with soda. I don't know what he's doing. If he's listening to sets, if he's writing, if he, what the hell he's doing, maybe someone, you know, gave him a GL1 for comedy. This guy murders. That's Sal Q's City of the set of the night.

Set of the night. Quinn's next to me. He's like, that's a funny fucking bastard. Jesus Christ. He's like, who is this guy? I mean, Sagalow fucking murdered. Quinn murdered, Griffin murdered, Sarah murdered, Dayton was there. Boy, it was awesome.

Love the diversity. Yeah, well, whites are easier to talk to, you know. I hear you. No, I try. I try every week, but the problem is the... I don't care. You don't have to explain to me. A lot of the black people, the gay people, the women, they're busy.

They've got gigs. They're in demand. They're working. Yes, they're like, hey, I got seven other offers here. Yeah, I'm doing a movie with Kevin. at heart. Right. So, and I apologize to the audience up front, but they didn't care. And then, how about this? This is exciting.

Why, I am dying. There's a hot girl, front row, and I mean girl. She's like, I tend to she was 26, but 26-year-olds looked 11 to me. Yeah, they do. And I go, I was doing some crowdwork. They, whatever, I have, baboo. And I go, wait, you're single? Yeah, I'm single. What's, man, we can probably get you laid. I go,

hey, anyone here? This guy. This guy's hot. He's sitting across. I go, how old are you? 24. Okay. I go, you're hot, you're hot, you guys are equal levels of hot. You guys should fuck. Wow, I wish it was that easy. Then I kept calling back to it.

You guys, have you guys time? After the show, they exchanged numbers. Oh, you're a matchmaker. Every single audience member was walking up, pointing, going, look over there. I know, I know. Oh, wow. And he walked out, he's like, I can't thank you enough. I got her number.

And I'm like, good luck. So hopefully they fuck and send me a video. Well, here's the thing about ladies. Hot ladies don't get approached, believe it or not. So they're going, how do I get laid? How do I get laid? They need a herpes riddled comedian to make it happen. Well, I feel really good about it because it's hard to talk to a woman.

Yes. It's not easy to just meet somebody, meet cute or whatever. So when somebody gives you this thing, it was a running gag through the show. Really? Yeah, you guys should talk. And he doesn't look like a creep because you did all of it. Right. And then so naturally you're like, I guess we should, it wouldn't be funny if we went on a day?

Yeah. And if that guy couldn't get the number after that. he should kill him. Right. Well, he was a good-looking boy. And Sarah was like, what if he murders her? Wouldn't that be funny? I was like, that would be the ultimate if he just killed her.

Now, that's a rom-com. And I'm like, whoops? Enough with the murdering. Everyone's like, is he going to murder me? I'm like, the chances of that are very low. Yeah, no one murders. Nah, it doesn't happen. You die in a car ride on the way home.

Absolutely. But that was awesome. And, yeah, Salakus was there. He shot photos. Quinn's the fucking man. Hell yeah. It was great. Maybe there was something else.

I can't remember. Let me just say, how are we doing on time there, Choo Choo? Five minutes. Okay, let me just say this is an embarrassing, and wrote two new jokes in Baltimore, which is a great feeling, because I got the specials in the can. You know about that window. I love the window. Big window, rear window, and the specials in the can, but it's not out yet.

So I still get to do the old and then try new. So I have the cushion of the old. Got two new jokes working, no better feeling, and then got drunk, of course, watch the World Series. Me and Umar in the green room like, oh shit, that's crazy. You know. By the way,

he watched the Orioles in the 90s in Baltimore with Ripkin. That's exciting. That must have been fun. Yeah. Whatever. So we talked about that. We're drinking. I go to bed,

wake up. Meep, me, me, me, me. Got to catch an Amtrak. And I go, okay, look at that. It's the time. Bup,

B, B, B, B, boo. I run downstairs. and I go, I can catch five minutes of the free breakfast, and then I'll go to the Amtrak. Oh, boy. I'm hung over, but fuck it. I get down there, they slam the breakfast door in my face, and I go, what the hell? Come on. It's a, blah, daylights.

I'm looking at the watch. The Timex doesn't reset. It's not an iPhone. So I go, oh, I lost an hour of sleep. I got to sleep more, and I missed the breakfast. Oh, God. So I get the door slaved in my face. I look to my left.

Two people at the breakfast from the show. Oh, boy. That's awkward. So they're like, hey, that was bad. I go, yeah, what are you going to do? And they go, let's get a photo. And I go, okay. So the phone will be like, you know.

And then get the photo with them. I'm getting the Uber. I happen to walk down the hallway. They left the employee door open. Hey, I'm listening. So I sneak in. I get a handful of Captain Crunch. I stuff two hard-boiled eggs in my pocket.

I put a banana up my ass and I ran out of there and I jumped in the Uber got to the train station left my sunglasses. Oh, Jesus. Karma Kramer! That sounds like an episode of the Daily Double or Daily Trouble.

What was that Nickelodeon? Double dare. Double dare. You got to put this banana in your asshole and keep these eggs from popping. You ever have that too? I'm in the Uber. It's like a 20-minute ride.

I go, oh, my glasses are right there. back to the phone and then I got out. Sure. And you left him to my house the other day too. I know. I'm a mess. Oh, boy. I'm trying to leave the kid on a church steps.

It didn't work. Fair. Well, it's peanut butter allergy. Forget about it. You don't get around. Yeah. Damn. Late-term abortion, huh?

Yeah. It's one way to get rid of them. All right, well, where are you going to be there, Chachie? I'm the hospital if I keep feeling like this. My God. When does this come out? The 80s? 17th.

17. Oh, jeez. We are way. We're going to be talking about Halloween. well into Thanksgiving. Well, Wednesday is the next Cess show. I don't know who's on it. Maybe he'll be on it.

I would love to. I think Luke Monis isn't down. He'll probably be on it. Okay. And then Lexington, Kentucky. Oh, fuck. Lexington, Kentucky, December 4th through the 6th. Yep.

I'm in Vegas in January. I have... Oh, the Uncle Dale Firehouse Show we do every year. This year is on November. 28th. And I believe Holbrook, Massachusetts. I'll get those details to you. That's soon. That's next weekend. And, yeah, a bunch

of fun stuff coming up. I got the special coming out. The special coming out. The special is out. My fucking brain is rotten. Small ball is out right now. Approaching a million. Go watch that. And then the Tom Dusty movie you can get on Punch Up. Get on Punch Up for the love of God. Yeah, punch up's the best.

I'm coming all over your face. I'm coming to Minneapolis. Fort Lauderdale. Shit, hang on. I thought I could do it off the dome, but apparently I can... It's hard. It's very hard.

San Diego this weekend. Two shows, one sold out. Come on by. Then I'm going to pop into L.A. for some stuff, maybe. Then it's Phoenix with Shane Gillis. Prior Lake, Minnesota. Portland with Gillis. We'll see ice out there.

Boise. Kansas City Funnel. Honeybone, and then we are off and running to a whole new tour. It's called Mumbo Jumbo. I just announced it on my Instagram. Check it out. Get some Bodeca Cat for the love of God. Hopefully we find that horror yelled at me and chuckles where you're going to be at.

Check out my podcast. Fun bearable. We just put up, or maybe it's this week, my one-on-one live panel with Hank Azaria. Wow. So I'm very excited. Does that happen yet in real time? No. happening this Saturday.

Okay. A little nerve-wracking. I bet. In front of an audience. He's a legend. And I have to do the mallrats one with all the people from mallrats, Jason Lee, everybody. Wow. Same initials.

Like, six people. Michael Rooker is on it. I love Michael Rooker. I got to be like, hey, Rook, what's this? You know what I mean? Like, I got to take care of a lot of this stuff. I got to lead the panels. So it's pain.

Speaking of Michael Rooker. Yes. And you're a wrestling guy. Oh, yeah. No two people have ever looked so similar as Sid Justice and Mike. and Michael Rooker. It's fucking crazy. That is crazy.

I can't see one without the other. They look so similar to me. That is crazy. Also, Michael Rooker has one of my favorite line deliveries in the history of cinema and JFK when they shoot... Who killed Oswald? They shoot Oswald.

He goes, this is crazy. It's fucking great delivery. Love it. That's great. Thomas and hi. Joe loves that line. But yeah, so that's coming out. We're doing big thanks.

giving stuff, really, really fun stuff coming up for Christmas. So check out Funbearable. We're doing some interesting stuff over there, I promise. Funbearablepod.com at FunbearablePot on social media. Okay, sounds good. I got a wee-wee, and then we're going to hit a bonus on the Patreon. Get on it. Oh, wee, wee.

I didn't tell them. I owe you money, too. Oh, yeah. We've got to figure that out. September and October. All right. Marketing is hard. But I'll tell you a little secret.

It doesn't have to be. Let me point something out. You're listening to a podcast. right now and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it. You listen to it while driving, working out, cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts are a pretty close companion. And this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Lib Syn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre-produced ad like this one across thousands of shows to reach your target

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