Tuesdays with Stories! - 632 Live At Skankfest 2025

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Brad Williams, Luis J Gomez, Joe Derosa, and Greg Fitzsimmons join the boys LIVE at Skankfest 2025 for a zing-fest that you won't believe! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show and shop SKIMS Mens at https://www.skims.com/tuesdays #skimspartner - Support the show - first time buyers get 20% off their entire purchase @ http://mood.com/ with code TUESDAYS - Your Holiday wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code tuesdays at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/tuesdays #chubbiespod

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, clap your hands for Joe Liss and Mark Norman. It's Tuesdays with Stories. Lewis has never been on ever. I'm on ketamine currently. Come on, it's quick. There's no hangover.

Special KKK. Which one do you want? How do you open your whiskey? Oh, boy, he's relapsing. I'll take this. Oh, this is nice. Sorry about the guests. We have guests.

We know you hate the guests. Especially this one. What the fuck? I specifically said I'll intro you. I'm going to get out. Joe's like, dude, please stay on the show. It would mean so much to me if you're sitting on the show. I had some good lines.

You're a fucking cunt. By the way, Lewis in a car that I'm doing well financially. He fucking says it on every podcast ever. You're the biggest piece of shit. I'm losing fans. All right. Like, hey, join our Patreon. Yeah, right.

You fucking rich. Jass whole piece of shit. Sorry. And Mark has a seven fucking story home. No one's ever upset with him. He's not doing that well. Yeah. I can vouch.

Mark just dumped a bottle of whiskey on his cigar. Fuck. Is that ruined? Yeah, it's ruined you, Jackass. It's wet. Can I get another stogie? I fucked up. That was quick. How about Matt Salke who's taking the best seat in the house? What a piece of shit. Hey, Sally.

A hot show today, boys. Oh, we got a big one lined up. What is that tea? Yep. Okay. What do you got? Vodka soda. I'm drinking bodega cat whiskey. Yeah! It is a good whiskey. It just, I've had so much it makes my ass bleed.

Yeah, sure. Oh, I want to be one of these guys. Let me be one of the guys that does the thing. When I open one, where's the one I open? Oh, there it is. He has a cup like a beggar. This guy is chipped his tooth. Sorry about that.

Hey, that was a good line. Yeah, this guy's just a homeless dude. He said I got 30-something of them. What did you think of the rye? Thank God. You threw the honestly in front of there. Jesus Christ. Anybody else want to try?

Take it. Spread some disease around the festival. Yes. COVID, COVID, COVID. Yeah, who drinks sitting down, you fucking idiot? That's such a funny idea. This guy's drinking sitting down. What an asshole.

Crazy. Hey! There it is. Don't touch your lips to the bottle, you fucking scumbag. What is wrong with you? Just do the thing when you pour it into your mouth. What an asshole. He's like if Joe Liss and Mark Norman were one person.

Very broad shoulders on this fellow. He's got shoulders like a broad. Come on, folks. I liked it. Tuesday's with stories. I thought we're doing jokes like that. That was very good. That we are.

Lewis talks like he doesn't love puns more than anybody in the world. I don't talk like I don't love a pun. I love a pun. Let's pun off, baby. This is a blind guy? Are you blind, sir? No. You're just lorpeg as a blind guy?

You just dress like a fucking asshole. Wait, this is like cultural appropriation. This guy's wearing dark sunglasses and a cane and sitting in the front row. Do you have a dog? All right. You do have a dog? What's with the cane? What happened?

Spines deteriorating. Is that guy blind? What? There's a fucking real blind guy in the 12th row and a fake-ass blind guy up front. Hold on, wait a minute. What would you rather being blind or your spine deteriorating?

I don't know, dude. That sounds horrible. I go blind. I'd rather be blind, dude. This guy's in probably excruciating pain at all times. Every step he takes is so much pain. Is it hurting?

Oh, sorry. Too bad we can't find any painkillers here. Yeah, the blind guy doesn't have to look at any of the women at this festival. Take that, bitches. You fucking ugly bitches. Yeah. I think it's one of the better years for the whores. No, there are some hot bitches here.

Yeah. I was just kidding. You guys are off. This guy's patting his girlfriend's knee. That's how you know, Skankfest is getting mainstream, is that we have hot women at Skankfest now. It's crazy. That's crazy. You're leveling up.

I met a girl who genuinely did. didn't know who I was. I was like, how are you here? I have no idea what happened. This one girl's beautiful. Right next to Salakia. Which one? Which one?

Yeah. Hold on. Do you move, miss? Is there a beautiful woman to someone behind you? Do you know a beautiful woman? Is that what they're saying? Do you introduce me? Do you have a beautiful friend you can introduce me to?

No, she's hot. You're very hot. You're very hot. I would smell. I'm laughing because he's irreverent, not because you're I'm not a reverent. I'm not a reverent. Oh.

You think there's a reverend, you're a fucking idiot, dude. You got white and black face, which I appreciate. Lewis was with Shane, and I said, Papa Shane Go, and then he tagged it with... Papa Shane Gomez. Okay, the pun! The pun is back! Lewis! Lewis! Lewis!

I love the show. I should be on Tuesdays with stories with you guys. Yes. Ah, we'll think about it. We'll think about it. Yeah. You should be on. Mark is from here, dude.

Yeah, this is crazy. This is crazy. This is wild. Is it fun to watch Skangfest come to New Orleans where you grew up? This is way better than Vegas. My parents have no idea I'm here. This is exciting.

Yeah. This is killer. I mean, this was Crackhead Central, and now it's, well, you know. But yeah, when I was kid, this was no man's land. So this is exciting and great choice of spot. This is perfect.

Yeah, this is great, dude. You guys are fucking killing it, man. Tuesday's with stories. Gangfest. Thank you guys for being here. I really appreciate it. Yeah, thanks for how we haven't missed a year. Yeah. Oh, I know it. Oh, I know it. True friends. I mean, you didn't invite me to your wedding, but that's okay. I might have been Yeah. It only hurts because now if I get married I can't invite Mark and I would want to because I love Mark. I'll invite you to the next one. Yeah. And Lewis, I wouldn't worry about your wedding.

I don't think. Look at that. An ashtray and a backup's to go. Hey, backup. Look at that. Where were you during Katrina? Lewis came to my wedding, and I've told this story before, but people don't realize how sweet Lewis is. We had a little picture where you sign the, what do you call it, a matting around the thing, and everyone signed their name. And Lewis wrote the sweetest thing.

Don Maddickly. Mark wrote, you married a cunt, Mark Norman. But Lewis, yeah, it's okay. We whited it out. But Lewis wrote something real gay. And we're making a documentary. Lewis cried the first day. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't, dude. No, I didn't, dude. Oh. No, dude. I got caught up. Well, you're not coming to my second wedding now. I got caught up at the moment, dude. You guys ask me a question.

I was hammered. It was like 9 o'clock at night. I'm just, I've been drinking all fucking day. They caught me. I got emotional. He was talking about you guys. Yeah. He said, I just mean so much to these fans.

And he started to come. I wish that was a joke. He was like, I could just see him, their dreams come true and started sobbing. All right, you know what? And then he came and a lady didn't recognize him. No, dude. Ah, shit, all right.

This was yesterday. She was like, straight up, who are you? I was like, bitch. I'm Louis J. Gomez. She's like, what? Louis Gomez? Like, no, Jay Gomez. Oh. By the way, Lewis, this gentleman right here

gave the biggest contribution to the film we're making. Which guy? Right? That's you, right? That guy, Sean Connery? Can we get him something, Lewis? Can we get him something? Stand up, sir. Security, remove him right now, violent. We're making a documentary about you because of that man right there.

What is the contribution that he gave? I don't want to, I don't talk about money the way you do. Joe's $1 million in his bank account. Just so you know. It's not true. Over $1 million. He's not doing good, well. No, that's not true.

How much did you contribute, sir? Don't make, don't say it. No, say it. Don't listen to Joe. He's a pussy, dude. $20. That's not true. is the most money anyone would give us for this movie.

It's mostly five and six dollar donations. You got a title for this thing, or you just going Skank Fest? I don't want to say it, because it's like telling your kid's name. Right. Let me say it to me here. I don't, I haven't heard what it is. He's going to say it in the mic. I won't say it.

No black people welcome. Do you like it? I'll see that. Just joking, sir. He's kidding, sir. There's one here. We got Cam Patterson in the second row here. All right.

I did that joke, three jokes, three times on the same podcast Wednesday, and Yamanika was like, you gotta stop doing that. And I was like, oh, all right. I don't think it was Thursday. Friday. I don't know what day it is. It literally was yesterday. I was like four weeks ago I made a joke like that on a podcast.

It was like four hours ago. Should we ask Lewis to leave? Yeah, I'm leaving. Oh, you're leaving? All right, this thing's about to heat up. You guys have other guests, please. Where do you got to go? Not get recognized.

Ah, come on. Is that bitch here? Oh, 10 women stand up? Who is that? I'm Spartacus. What'd she look like? I don't remember, fucker. Can we get him something?

A meat and green? I need to know how much money he donated. Very, a lot. Give me a number, Jeff. Half of the budget. Whoa. Everybody else sucks. Who are you, sir?

You're like a rich guy? Oh, jeez. You're not a rich guy? You're just an idiot? He just cares about the arts. Gumbass, what is wrong with you, dude? Why are you giving us so much money? It's going to make a lot of money this movie.

Here's what I'll do. Are you guys going to watch the movie? Here's what I'll say. You're contributing to this festival. You're contributing to what we're doing here. I will give you $30 in Lewis books. At the merch booth, you can be used here at the Stank Fest. At the merch booth, you can use it at the concession stand.

No drinks, but you use it for food. or merch. Yeah, you're Willie Wonka out here. It's pretty cool. You walk around, everybody loves you? You know what, sir? Speaking of Willie Wonka, fine. I'm going to give you a golden ticket so you can fucking skip the lies. Yes. Whoa! You can walk around anywhere, get into whatever shows you want.

Thank you. You know what? I'm going to give you a full bottle of bodega cat whiskey. Right here. Oh. Thank you, sir. And Miss, give him the bodega cat t-shirt then. I threw out to you before. Miss. Miss, fuck you.

Give him the bodega. Security. Security, remove. Give him the bodega. Yes, give it to him. He can afford it. He's rich. Give it to him.

Thank you very much. There we go. There we go. Wow. Thank you. You've done nothing. What the hell? You got cucked.

You've contributed nothing to our livelihood in our festival. Thank you, sir. I appreciate you. I just thought of a banger of a line. Buckle up. You're silly Wonka.

Easy. This ain't an easy job. I love you guys. Have an amazing Tuesdays with stories. I will see you guys in a little bit. I got a couple more podcasts here tonight, and I'll see you guys at the goddamn comedy jam later on. Get the comedy going.

Yeah. Just joking, Lou. Should we bring out some guests here? I mean, we got some bangers on this puppy. I think we should wrap up. That was a good-out show. That's a damn good episode. Works for me.

Yeah, we got some... I know you hate the guests, but we're doing the guests. The people at home hate the guests. You guys always have a great time. Yeah. This one's gonna be good. It's the people at home that are like, well, that's suck, but you guys always love it. But is the audience Mike, Chuck?

Will they be able to hear them? It always sounds like we're bombing, but we're killing. Yeah, yeah. You got it? How about it for Chuck right there, everybody? That's what he looks like. Can you believe it? There's some booze.

Couple booze. Couple booze. Oh, wow. Look at that face. Can you believe that's the guy who fucks girls? There he is. His girlfriend's here. Oh, gee.

Used to fuck girls. Let's move off a Chuck quickly. That's what the people want. All right. We got guests. You guys excited? They're fired up because all day we've been telling them how much the audience hates guests.

So, I'm feeling good. I'll bring this first guy up. This guy, he's on the show because I bumped into him at Starbucks. Hey. And he told me two very funny stories. Okay. Make it loud for Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody!

Yeah, he's known for his hog. Is that true? Yes, yes. Huge. Well, here's the thing. There was a lot of talk about my dick back in the tough crowd with Colin Quinn days. And Colin eventually asked to see it in the green room. Oh, shit.

And so I whipped it out, which by the way, you know it's big if you whip it. If you take it out, it's very small. it's very small. I whipped it out, and there was a black staff member, a woman, and she went, oh, and they went, oh, then that's, yeah. Oh, I thought she was upset about the whipping. All right, okay, okay. Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. So, thanks for bringing it up. I like to keep the rumor alive. streak alive, yeah. I've heard, I've heard rumors. I've never heard the rumor. Oh, yeah. I'd like to see it. We're under the This is audio only. I actually don't want to see it. I've seen enough penises.

I saw Jamar Neighbors' penis yesterday. Oh, man. Does his dick of a Mokokh too? It is fucking wild. Really? He walked across the stage and the tip was dirty when he got to the other side. Wow. I can give him a snip. Did you guys go to the naked show yesterday?

There was some real hogs. there. And that's just the women. Okay. That's what I was going to ask. We got another guest. He looks so handsome. It looks like a calendar. I'm telling him. It's the best he's ever looked. Matt, are you shooting stills or video?

Oh, damn. This is the one time I wanted a still because he looks great. Yeah, come on out. Get a still of this man because he very rarely looks even remotely attractive. Don't give away our guests, God damn it, you people over here. Shane is a surprise. Here he comes, everybody.

Joe DeRosa! I'm sorry? What does he say? What happened with Carrie, they're saying? Nothing happened with Carrie, you know? Who's that? The one trans person here? Oh, okay. I didn't change my shirt.

She changed your gender. I mean, you hook up with one transsexual woman once at Skank Fest during a podcast, and then everybody thinks every time you're on stage the transsexual woman at Sankfest you're going to hook up with her. We just walked off stage. She was very nice. She's a lovely lady. Is she here?

Well, I think the trans community is a buzz about you. Really? Yeah, because you are willing to do that. I finally made it in one community. Hasn't worked out in comedy. You're the Abe Lincoln of trans people. You're the Haki Robinson.

All right. I am the Abe Stinking. Okay, we're warming up. We're warming up. I'm not so sure. All right. How are you guys doing? Good.

Living the dream. I am teetering on passing out at this point. I am fucking hammered. Already? Oh, my God. Boy, you hide it well. I know. That's the side of a problem.

That's true. I said this to Joe earlier. He never feels fucked up. You seem totally regular to me. It's wild that you're dressed like that, and I'm dressed like this, and I'm the one that's hammered right now. Yeah. Well, I'm being silly. Yeah. It's a very silly festival.

It's a silly festival. Silly welcome. I'm completely shit-faced. This is my last thing. This is the last thing. This is my last stop on the first. Yeah, so here we go. You going to the strip club or no? I have to host the strip club party.

Oh, you're going to make it. With Kurt Metzker of all people. He's good. If you ever wanted to see a guy corner a stripper and tell her how COVID is fake for three hours. Tonight's your night. And he's right, this guy. This guy just waited the whole festival to yell that out. It's fake!

But yeah, so anyway, yeah. See you there. We got one more guest, and then we'll get this thing cooking. All right. Sorry. Do I go too far? No, no, I just don't want to leave them hanging out there. All right, watch that cigar.

Sorry, sorry. All right. Okay, one more? Yes. All right, here we go. Put your hand together. Make it loud for Brad Williams. I had to get a running start to get into that chair, but I got here.

I'm very triggered by being here because they have those rides out front. I can't get on them. Fucking Ferris wheel. Speaking of Willie Wonka, I got one of the fucking munchkins here. Is it a munchkin? What do they call them? Oompa lupa.

They're oompa lupas. Get my slurs correct, sir. Well, Joe can get on the fairies wheel. Oh, all right. What's Joe? Oh, I'm sorry, Greg Schittsimmons. Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy, easy.

I was fucking around, man. The fuck. That's too much. Relax. One more like that, you're out of here. I wonder whose dick was bigger. or your ex-girlfriends? It's a good question.

All right. That's the last. That story from Greg, I was puffing up backstage a little bit. Yeah, just pipe down, Joe de Grosso. Whoa. No, now I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's fucked up. How old are you now, Gregie? Jesus Christ. I mean, what is that? I sounded like a pedophile. Hey, little, Gregi, how old are? The same thing to Pepitone last year, by the way. Yeah, I'm younger than Joey Pepitone.

I'm 59 years old All right now how's the boner with that that hog going? It's not good Ah No I have to really focus now What about the blue chew? Did it?

I get lightheaded Oh my God Too much blood I get dizzy Yeah you lose all the blood But what happens is I get It starts to If I don't really focus

So I get the thumb underneath it And I just kind of shoo shoehorn it back in again? Oh, the old marshmallow in the keyhole. Yeah. I wonder, I bet we're in Dick order, if you're counting Brad. I'm okay with that. I bet Brad's packing, man.

Really, but packing on a curb? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm the only guy up here who can legitimately say it hangs down to my knee. Brad. Good point. Brad is packing. Brad is packing. Presence for Santa Claus. Hold on. We got to get done. I got to go to work soon. It's almost that time of the year. On December 24th. I'm not getting a better one than that.

I'm going to sit here. I really did bump into Greg at... I was thinking out loud. You say wisdom. I was just randomly. Well, I was thinking of other little people... No, that's not what you said, though. You said the bad word. Shut up.

I don't care about that. We're at SkankFest. You can do, you could say midget with a hard tea. The M-word, migger. Yeah, please. Well, it's one letter away. So it's nervous. One letter away, so is bigger.

So anyways, I bump into Greg at Starbucks. And who did we have fun? Oh, yeah. A couple of teas. Well, there was a, do you go? Well, there was a couple there. and I don't know how we got to talk about it, but they said, yeah, we're leaving on a cruise

and there's a whole mass of fat Midwestern people in front of the Starbucks waiting to get on a bus to get on a cruise. You could just say Midwestern people. Yeah, right. They're here, too. And they go, and Joe goes, well, what stops are you making? And one of the stops was Bolivia.

Oh, Honduras. Oh, Honduras. And I go, I go, oh, shit. And they go, well, you didn't hear there's a civil war. It just broke out this morning. And they were like, no. And I was like, yeah. And Joe's like, yeah.

And I go, and they're using swords. But what made it great was you go, yeah, I guess the president killed the secretary of state with a sword. And they were like, Jesus. I'm like, yeah, it's fucked up. And then they were like, I guess that's why there's a delay. And he's like, that is why there's a delay. And they were getting like really bummed out. And then as they were leaving, I was like, well, be safe.

and then they go like, I guess so. And then Greg goes, you'll be fine. Like in a real fucking, you're in trouble kind of way. He's like, you'll be fine. And they were like, fuck. And then you can see them like waiting for the bus being like, everybody. People are trying to get refunds.

Can I get the Bolivian refund please? But how are you guys with, because I'm just fucking howling laughing, but he's so dead serious. Yeah. And I'm like, can you pull off pranks? Joe. Are you a pranking guy? I got to be honest with you.

I'm so shit-faced. I didn't know that was a prank until just... I was like, holy shit, the Civil War is happening here? He's literally Googling it on his phone right now. Wait. You were joking, right? Yeah, that's the story. They're setting down Carlos Menzsche to calm things down.

No, I'm terrible. I'm terrible in pranks. I laugh too hard. I give it away. Well, a girl pulled a prank on you last year. Surprise. That was the last one. She pulled it on purpose.

Yeah, no. No, I'm terrible at it. I can't keep a street face. I'm terrible at lying. You can't keep a handsome face either. Boom. Oh, wow. You're very handsome boy, Joe.

You're very handsome boy. Why don't you go fuck yourself? Okay. Wow, he's really mad at me because I don't dress as a woman. You're about two fetish ticks down the list, buddy. We'll get you eventually.

It's a small world. Are you good at pranks? Can you do pranks? Well, I am pretty good at pranks because, you know, I can really hold a straight face after God pulled a prank on me. I feel like I'm pretty good at it. Those hands of you guys have are crazy.

Small hands. That's why I love masturbating. My dick finally looks big. And they're puffy. Yeah. Are they? Oh, no one told you? All right.

Shit. You shot that joke right out of a cannon. Don't talk about my ancestors that way, Greg. Now, where are you at on Wii Man? Do you guys have beef? No, he's good. Or cocktail frank? He's great.

He's awesome. Actually, the last time I was here in New Orleans, that was a great joke. totally wouldn't. I got it out too late. Sorry. No, me and we men are good. It's that fucking Dinklidge that I got a food with.

Oh, Dinklage! Yeah. That fucking cunt. Dude. Yeah. I'm friends with Dylan. We get it. You're famous.

Dylan? No, Dylan. Hornswoggle. Yeah, Hornswoggle from WW. Yeah. I see him at the meetings. Yeah, you guys all hate Dinkl. Yeah, we all really

fucking hate Dinklund. You fuck that, Snowwagelwage. it up for you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because he got Disney

to not cast dwarves as dwarves. Damn. In Snow White. Yeah. So we've been replaced by CGI. They did a CGI short face.

What? No, did you know this? So it was so funny. So Peter Dinklage did an interview. Now he's dwarfs-blading for me. We, man.

We man. Dwarfsplaining, we call that small talk. Dink, glitch, ding, glitch, ding, glitch, ding, glitch, ding. Come on, Mark, it's just a little chatter. What really burning this guy? It's a small a cost. You burn us up in microwaves? I know, I know, no.

They put him in an easy bake oven. That guy got offended. That guy's out of here. He's like, I don't like this shit. All right. No, no, but he said, but like, take what you in an interview where he said, he goes, I thought we were supposed to be progressing,

and now they're making Snow White live action, and seven dwarves, excuse me, and he got offended. So then Disney, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Disney said, oh, shit, oh, fuck, we've got to kick all these little people out of the movie that we already hired. Yeah, all these rich little people.

with all their jobs. Yeah. And they replaced all the little people with CGI, like, weird monsters and stuff. Yeah, ironically looking more fucked up than actual dwarfs. And then the pictures of the weird creatures came out, and everybody was like,

what the fuck is this? So then they just made CGI little people. Yes. So no, everybody got fucked. Everybody got fucked. That's wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the craziest things I've ever seen.

Yeah. So he fucked his little brethren. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't want any other dwarf actors to work, apparently. But he was in Game of Thrones. He was the King Wharf. He was in the most offensive movie about little people of all time called tiptoes.

If you've never seen the movie Tiptoes. That's hilarious. It's streaming on Amazon Prime. I want everyone to go out and watch this movie. It stars Peter Dinklage. It stars Matthew McConaughey. It stars Kate Beckinsale. And in the preview, it says,

and in the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman. Because Gary Oldman plays a fucking dwarf in the movie. But they didn't CGI anything. They literally just put his shoes on his knees and tied his arms back. Like Dorf? Yes. They didn't have the technology yet to do the fucking Peter Jackson Lord of the Ring shit. So they're like crawl around on your knees.

Yeah. So they got like Gary Oldman behind a table, like half the fucking movie. Wait, was this a short film? Yeah. I'm just mad they didn't cast me in it. Yeah, right? Yeah, no, it is wild, man. I feel like Dinklage really kind of fuck you guys.

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Just head to Chubbies.com. Make sure you support the show and tell them Tuesdays with stories. Set you, chubbies. But also, we had this whole thing where, like, trans people have to play a trans character, gay people or whatever it was. What about the midge? You know? Sorry, he can't concentrate. You said trans.

He got hard. No, but, well, I do think that's a little. I agree. I don't like it. Triggering? That was going on. I wasn't even trying to be funny. I said a little.

It's like, that's a little. little different to put Gary Oldman on his knees. Oh, sure, sure. You know, that's minstrel. That's a little different than somebody going like, I'm straping up playing a gay guy guy. Like Sidney's in that No movie, wherever he's mad because he's playing a lesbian. Yeah, boy, how about that interview, huh?

Oh, I didn't see it. Oh, I made her hotter. They were like, what, do you want to apologize for being a white supremacist? And she was like, no, I love burning crosses or whatever she said. Wow, that's a pretty... Yeah. A good quote. I'll send it to you. Peter Stinklage

That's what I call him None of us could get a word in with jokes like that He sat like he was in a trance for the last three minutes And then that just came out Like it took all that focus to come up with that I've been sitting on Stinklage baby Don't say trance again Tell the others

I don't want to set you up and then it's like not a But that was another funny story the penis. Oh, yeah, yeah. So my friend's gay, which really is just saying I'm gay. No, my friend's gay,

and we're walking back from that party they had the opening night, and we run into these people on the street, these two couples, and the woman is on LSD, and her jaw is this way, and her eyes, she looks like a Picasso painting. Oh, wow.

One second, what's a jaw? It's a great movie from the 70s. And so she says, you're not gay? And he goes, yeah, I'm gay. She goes, I don't believe it. And so she reaches down and she grabs my friend's dick and starts massaging it. Whoa. You ain't gay.

And the husband's standing there, and he goes, she going to get you. Ha. And for like a minute, she just kept rubbing his dick. And then they finally went, yeah, I'm kind of getting something. Wow. Yeah. I would love the way, if that's how, like, it works. If that was the test?

Like if a guy just starts rubbing my dick and I'm like, that was it, I'm gay. Or Joe, is that how it works? You jerk one dick off and now you're gay. No, I've jerked one dick off. You've jerked two dicks off. Thank you.

I don't know why the audience hates these when they come out on the podcast. I know. There's 300 people chanting on their car. So was the dong bigger, or? the same or smaller than yours? Oh, we talked about this in the bonfire earlier. Bigger. Bigger.

That's tough. And you were still able to perform? Well, no, as I said earlier, I don't want to go to a restaurant and eat a meal that I could make myself. Give me some experts. What was the restaurant? Long John Silver? Long Don Silver. Was it Dix?

The Dix? Dix last resort. Mark, you're like the opposite of Byron Allen with the question. So was his dick bigger than your dick? You don't hear Byron saying that a lot on his show. Oh, yeah. He sucks. Oh, he's the worst. No, he's a great guy. I know, but I did his show, and he

really, he really hated me. He got my back really hard once. Oh, you fucked him too? Wait. I'm in my front. He got my front really hard ones. Oh, so you're at the bottom. No, he got my back. Man. I was, okay,

so I did a back one podcasts were a brand new thing. I auditioned for Last Comic Standing in New York. How'd that go? Do you guys remember this? I did it. I did it at Gotham. Yeah, remember, and it was... Greg Giroldo. I did it when it was Kathleen

Madigan, an aunt. Oh, wow. I remember that. Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay, so Ant was... Big gay comic. Really, really shitty to me. Mm. And I...

And then Patrick... And wasn't kind? What's that? All right, go ahead. and then Patrick Milligan who's the guy that books the stand in New York City he called me and he goes hey I have a podcast this back when you had to put

your podcast on like MySpace there was like no other place for it and he goes I have a podcast he goes do you want to talk about your experience for the last comic standing and I did and I trashed aunt and I was like he was a fucking dickhead to me blah blah so anyway cut to a month later I'm supposed to do comics on lease with Byron

Alan and I'm supposed to be on the same episode with aunt and aunt was like a regular on the show and the producers of Byron Allen called me and they said hey there's a problem and I said what's the problem? They said Aunt said he won't go on

the show with you. Oh wow. So we have to get rid of you and I said well fuck it then fuck him he's an asshole and whatever I don't know what to tell you and then they called me back and they said actually Byron said you don't tell me what to do on my show and I'm moving you and I'm keeping Joe and he kept me on the fucking show.

The man. That's a fucking G move, dude. He didn't even know me. He didn't know me at all, and he knew aunt, and he was like, you don't fucking tell me what to do with my fucking... Well, I take it back. Comics Unleash is a fantastic program.

Yeah. But how fucking cool is that, right? Very cool. Yeah, and then he had you on and immediately regretted his decision. Yeah. Did I ever tell you, Mike? Yeah, then I went on and went,

these fucking queers, let me tell you. He was like, oh, Jesus. I was on Byron. You'll appreciate this, Joe. I was on Byron. Comics Unleashed. And it was me, and I can't remember the comics, but it was like three black comics,

and they were kind of high energy, they were killing. And I was just going like, hey, will you ever be nervous? I don't think. And then... You're like, silly Wonka? Nothing?

Byron goes... I'm sitting right here. I'm Byron. I'm there. He goes, to the warm-up guy. He goes, hey, make sure you really juice them up like right before the joke, especially...

And he just... Right in front of me, he's like, this fucking... I was like, dude, sorry. I don't know. Yeah. It was a bummer. Artie Lang used to always make fun of the craziest transition that Byron Aronardineh.

Because if you don't know the show, it's four people, and they all have their jokes prepared, and he just turns, and he goes, So, I heard you bought a camper. Hey, I heard you went to Disney World. He just set you up for your jokes. You feed him the setups before the show. And Artie Lang had the funniest one that he pointed out. John Lovitz was on the show, and Byron Dauer goes, John, I hear you're getting older. It's inevitable, Byron.

Well, he got mad at me because it's such a cheesy show, and I felt so silly doing that. It's so forced that he was like, so, Mark, I hear you have a dog. And I was like, nah, who told you that? And he was like, well, we're told you have a dog, I heard. And I was like, now I hate dogs. And he's like, so. Didn't you keep calling him Brian also?

Yeah, called him Brian. Called him Brian. And then also, this is in the early days of our podcast. We both went on and just trashed the show. Oh, that's right. And then they were like, hey, the Booker guy is after you. And we had to run and be like, does anyone know how to delete a podcast?

Yeah, it was a lawsuit. By the time he got to the podcast, it just went, like, we went like, yeah, I did Comics Unleashed. My mother is a real weird, like it's just a big jump in the episode. And he was like, you mother, fuck. I hope he's dead that guy. He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. He's super nice. He owns the Weather Channel, which I thought was the, you know.

The Jews. Byron Illan. Greg, did you just turn off? Sometimes he gets Harry through the punchline and he's just guy, I don't believe in this one. Oh, absolutely. This guy, you want to talk, could I bring, yeah? Yeah. I mean, I was going to say this guy's worked for some TV shows.

Oh, we got into that. that. Oh yeah, you worked for Ellen. Well, I was a writer on the Ellen show for the first two seasons and I talked about it on We Might Be Drunk and page six of the New York Post picked it up and then Fox News

ran the clips for two days. And I'm under a non-disclosure agreement. I can lose my fucking house. So yeah, let's talk about it some more. She moved to England. You're good, dude. You're good. When all that shit came out about Ellen, it was

Because I was writing on the Pete Holmes show, and we were on the Paramount lot, and Ellen was on the Paramount lot, and it was before I knew the shit broke. So, okay, so when you work on a lot in Hollywood and you write on a TV show, there's a commissary. Don't you speak them, Joe. Huh? Don't you speak them. Do you speak them? Well, you're talking about show business. I'm not talking about the weather. We're off the weather.

No, but when you work on a studio lot, there's a commissary, and everybody eats lunch there, and it's like a fucking high school cafeteria. And you go in and you hear all the stories from what happened that day in school. And the three stories out here about were two broke girls, Rebel Wilson, and Ellen. And every single day, it would be like, somebody cried at Ellen again. And we knew, we were like, she's a fucking monster. And then when all the shit broke, I was like, that's fucking wild. Well, she moved to England, but I think it was just because she wanted to be somewhere, where being called a cunt is like a good thing.

It's a term of endearment. She is a cunt. You are what you eat. It's weird, though, when you hear a thing before the thing breaks, then the thing breaks and you know. I heard that already. I was in the weeds over here.

That sounds like an SAT problem. You hear a thing, and then another thing. But then before the thing, you hear a transgender person. I was in a limo once after a comedy show with Jimmy Doran James Adomian and the limo-druber goes, I get to drive a lot of famous people.

And we go, come on, tell us a story. And he goes, you guys know Tiger Woods? We go, of course. He goes, he loves to fuck hookers. Wow. And we were like, get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about that two years later? The news was like,

this is breaking. Tiger Woods likes to fuck hookers. Holy shit. That guy was right. How many? Four. Okay, sorry. No, that's just how you would rate them.

Well, how long, like, did everybody know the Cosby rumor before the story came out? That seemed like it was the worst kept to me. I didn't hear anything about it. In fact, I was on Bennington the day it came out, and they played the Hannibal video. And I was on the radio being like, fuck Hannibal, what a piece of shit. I was like, he's full of shit. He's jealous. And you're making all the right moves.

Byron Allen, Hannibal Burris. You're pissing off all the popular blacks. I literally was like, he's out of his mind. Cosby raised me. What a piece of shit. And then like two days later they were like, yeah, he's a rape. Oh, shit. Well, it was on.

Tried delete that podcast too. But you can't blame me. The initial two allegations were on his Wikipedia page forever. And that's what Hamill was talking about. Oh, wow. They were on his Wikipedia page forever. And that's what Hannibal was talking about. But Cosby's one of those things.

Nobody talked about it. And then as soon as, again, I was in writer's rooms at the time. As soon as it happened, I remember going into work on that Monday and going, guys, you think this is true? And everybody was like, oh, yeah, it's true. Anyway, my friend worked on Cosby, and he would go.

Bill came in every Monday going, we got to go to the cookie jar to pay another lady. Whoa. Like, yeah. And I was like, holy shit, everybody knew about this. Yeah. Underrated impression.

I actually think it got quiet because people were like, God damn. Thank you. You don't want to make me. I got that. Oh, no, I got way better than you. Whoops.

I shouldn't have complimented you. You lost it. You turned into Tom Waits. You're like, ah. Do it again. Let's see. If you could split the difference. Oh, no, it's going to go,

I got to go on the Tuesdays with the story. You're back. And tell the story about how I raped a woman. That's what I was going to say. And it didn't work the second time either. You got to go on to Tuesday stories. There you go. Is that good?

That was good. Sometimes I think I'm more talented than I think. Don't ever do that, Joe. Hey, Chewy. That's what the women sounded like. Which women? The Cosby women. Oh.

Damn it. Come on, guys. was a good joke. Come on. We got to pick it up. We're telling you that was a good joke, guys. Was it not? We know comedy better than you.

That was very, very good. It was a great joke. By the way, that guy really didn't come back. No, he's dead. We were using racial slurs. He was guffawing, and then we made like a pun about a midget. A midget. He's like, all right, I got to get out of here.

This is crazy. Very triggering for him. Yeah. Who sits in the front row and then leaves? Besides that guy. The fun part was when he left, he, like, did the duck down thing as he was walking on the midget joke. Like it's a helicopter. Yeah.

How about the blind guy? You still with us? Hey. He can't go anywhere. Yeah, he can't leave. Oh, Jesus. Hey, Jay. Holy hell.

Sure. Who the hell is this lady? There she is. Oh, wow. Do you have any... Can I get some milk? Okay. How did we get a naked lady?

Here. Nice to see him. Here. More a little here, will you? How come your boobs are out? I don't know. He wants... I'm not a man, sorry.

Jury's out. She still got her pants on. Oh, I'd love to see a full bush. Gavin Rosdale, the other guy. Can that go on YouTube, you think? Yeah, you can put Bush on YouTube. Oh, all right. George?

No, it's wild. I'm seeing bear pussy on Instagram now. Are you guys seeing this shit? No. I swear. What? Huh? And they take my shit down.

I don't know, you're put the showbush. Who are you? Where'd you come from? This is crazy. We're running late. This is the next show. By the way, this woman doesn't work for the festival. My mom finally showed up.

Did Brad make my wish come true? Are you guys stayed in the quarter? And Brad, I assume you're in a tree. Yeah. Oh, geez. All right. Thank you. That was great.

No, I don't drink, but I love tits, so this is wonderful. Sure. He's hard. No, no, it didn't fall up. That's the side thing. Sorry. I love this. She's like, I got to keep these on.

Zachomiko was Red Eagle nude on a couch yesterday in front of 800 people. And his tits are bigger. Thank you. We'll enjoy women. Thank you. Deroza will enjoy guys. Do you know who that was? I'm not kidding.

Who the fuck was that? I'm also confused. No, who was that? That just shows women could just get Topless to go anywhere they want. Oh, look at this guy with a shirt on. Poor blind guy. Yeah, take your shirt off, pussy.

Can you hear tits really well? It is so funny to me, she's like, I gotta leave these on. I'm like, we did a four-hour naked show. That was, anyways. We're at work, by the way. We're at work. They're bringing alcohol. Chicks are walking by topless.

Somebody had any mushrooms. before we got on. They're giving us every drug that they need here except Ozambach. This is the best fest of all time. Come on, this is the shit. New Orleans.

It is funny. Do you remember when Mad Men first came out? Who? Mad Men? Yeah, yeah. When that first came out, I had a bunch of friends would be like, man, work was crazy in the 60s.

These guys would have a martini at lunch. I'm like, do you know what the fuck I do? Good point. It's insanity. I jerked a lady off. What? For work. That would not fly on Mad Men.

They would kill you if you did that. I always laugh about that when comedy clubs have Christmas parties. They're like, we're going to get together, let our hair down a little. We're going to give out a few free drinks. You're like, okay. We all fuck a waitress. You guys have been working hard all year. We're going to really have some fun.

So the point is it's not an office. You're drinking all year anyway. Can we get the mics up a little bit? I think there's volumes all fucked up. That was the whole thing with the back when the comedy club Christmas parties would happen in New York, that was like your one night where you're like, I've wanted to look up with this waitress all year. You would really try to make it happen on that one night.

And then you'd strike out horribly. And then you just go for the waiter. Yeah. Yeah. Guaranteed. You know what? Stop cheering so much against me. Only one time did I really try to hook up

with a comedy club employee and I shit in her shoe and fell through her living room table. Big O for one. Wait, what? That's the shoe story? Yeah. How did you work shit? You work to Carolines. Really? Yeah. Oh, is that why it shut down? And then I had to go, I had to go see her like the next

Monday. I had to come to a spot. And I was like, hey. She had a big spot in her rug. Was she the bartender? No, she was the girl upstairs. Why did you shit in her shoe? How does that happen? Where do you shit?

I don't know. I thought I was at the toilet, I think. How big was her foot? This toilet's got a Nike swoosh on it. This is weird. No, I don't really remember. But, yeah, I think I just was like, I got a shit. And then I saw her,

black hole and shit in it. They say don't shit where you eat, but I guess if you shit in a shoe where you eat, that's like an exception. You're a foot guy, right? I don't, I'm not a foot guy. I don't

dislike a good foot. You got two of them. I hate my feet. I hate my feet, but no, I like I like foot fetish guys because it's an opportunity. Like, I love tits. And it's not often a woman just walks in with tits. Sure.

But flip flops are everywhere on the street. Good point. If you're a foot guy, there you go. Can you imagine how great my life would be if I was a foot guy? You're a three-foot guy. Yeah. Yes. Four foot four.

Hell yeah. 52 inches. Is five feet is the cut, right? Four foot 11 is the cut. It's got to be four foot, ten, and below. So if you're four foot eleven, you're just Asian. Yeah, Danny DeVito's four foot eleven,

that's why he... Is that right? He is not, yeah, he is not allowed at the meetings. By the way, if you're from New Orleans, next July, this is real, the Dwarf National Convention will be in the city. Whoa! And I am absolutely coming back that weekend. as well.

Wait, that's what they're talking about when they say DNC? Yeah. You didn't know? Holy shit. Dude, it's weird. I haven't been to dwarf conventions in so long because I've been married for

eight years, but back when I was single, man, those were fun. Oh, really? Oh, I've been in a dwarf orgy. Whoa. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody taped my shoes. A broom closet. Sardine box. No, but it's great Because then when it's done Like we could literally all fit in the kingbed We just twitch sideways And then we just all slept that way

It was fucking great Wait, so you heard the stories about when they made Wizard of Oz In Century City Do you know any of those stories? I mean I don't know them personally But they've all been passed around Yeah

Much like Dorothy was There was a hotel in Century City When they were shooting Wizard of Oz And apparently the little people just were fucking fucking really yeah like crazy and they were like assaulting Judy Garland the whole time they were like putting their head up her dress

and be like whoa grabbing her tips and stuff she claimed that they got like purvey with her really she did she really did that's what I they weren't oh I thought you said I bet they were no no I'm telling you oh okay I'm telling me no they weren't no I thought I'm sorry no I thought you said

this spider I am all right you ain't all right Joe they weren't Purvy. They were just hugging her and their heads happened to go right into her pussy. Actually, I want to hug that lady if she could come back. Yeah, she was peeled out of her fucking head.

What's a midget vagina like? Is it like a kid's? Because that I get. It's like a kid's with hair, I assume. So this is true. Every time I dated a dwarf woman, I would tell her you have to have a bush. You have to.

can't be with a dwarf woman and then it's shaved down there. Right. It's too. Because then I'm like holding up the little booties too like I'm holding up the feet. It's too fucking close. Wait, are you circumcised? Yeah. Holy shit that must have been hard to do.

Wow. Best surgeon ever. Yeah. No, but have any of you guys ever fucked a dwarf? No, I'm not against it. No, I fucked. The girl I got herpes from was like four what's the lady cut off? Because she was right there.

And then some of the people know the story, I fucked her on a playground at night, so from any distance it looked like I was fucking a kid. I was like, on top of a yellow slide, fucking a four foot nine woman at night. And I was actually like genuinely

in the moment paranoid, like I think this could be bad. Because I think they shoot you if you just have a kid like fucking spread. They don't like arrest you. They fucking and she's wearing a mini mouse shirt. It was really weird. Yeah, yeah.

I did have a balloon also with me. My clown nose on. My dick look like a clown nose after. Herpes. I'm just going to keep saying things until something happens. We lost Joe again. He fucking, his switch turned up. Oh, okay.

Oh, we talked about fucking dwarfs, and he hasn't done that yet. No, I'm just listening. I'm not against it. I'm just listening. Okay, okay. The way you tell the story, a funny guy. I've just... I got to be honest.

I feel like I've talked a little too much. and I tell you my stories. Oh, don't go there. Stay with us. Come on. Don't victim out. No, no, not victiming out. I'm just saying, like, I was just trying to shut up and let everybody else talk for a minute.

I just felt like I was talking about it. Okay, but you're fucked up and I'm not. Your slice of the pie is very even. Okay, that's great. So stay out of your head so you can be you. I remember when you got herpes. Oh. Shut the fuck up, would you?

Shut up. You're always talking? Yeah, shut up. She said shut up. You're always talking. No, I remember when you got to. Herb is you told me. You go, I got herpes. And I go, how'd you get that? And you go, I've

been wanting to fuck that girl for a long for five years. And I finally got a chance to. And she said, I have a herpes outbreak. And you said, there's no way I'm not doing this right now. Well, that's the trick. If you have herpes and you want to have sex with someone, wait, and you're a woman. Wait till they're, or whatever. Wait till they're hard and naked.

And then you go, I have herpes. Once your pot committed, you're not, she could have told me she had razor blades in her pussy. I would have been like, all right, well, this is going to be weird. you know? Yeah. So I just went ahead and did it. I agree.

And then Soder, who's such a sweet, sweet boy, I had a fucking horrible outbreak. It was like, it's like blisters all of your dick, and I'm like, this is the worst that's ever happened to me. And Soda goes, I feel you, man.

I've had some scares, and it's fucked up. And I'm like, no, I have it. It's not, I'm not scared. I have fucking open sword. It's not like, whoa, I hope I don't. It would be like, he's like, my dad's dead.

And I'm like, dude. My dad went to work one day, so I feel you. Yeah. Is it under control now? It is, but I think I just told this on the podcast before, but maybe it's not out yet. But anyway, I had an outbreak. You can take Valtrex. Sure.

And it's like a miracle drug. It just knocks it out. It's not a problem. But I ran out of Valtrex, and I just put off getting more. And I was like, well, how bad can it be? I've had it for years. I don't need the pills. And it was fucking horrible.

Wow. It's really, really awful. Now, when you take the Valtrex, do you do the canoeing and the hiking and all the shit that's in the commercials as well? You have to. It doesn't work if you don't do it. You're a convertible with every race?

That's almost worse than the herpes. Doc, I don't get it. I've been hiking, and I keep getting my herpes. I just fucking hate hiking. It's twice as long. You see a pebble and you're like, I'm fucked. B'an-ba-da-ba-da-da. It's rolling after him.

I'm just so scared of large birds. Oh, yeah, they can swoop you. I know. Terrified. I assume that's how you got here. Dude, I did. Yeah, fuck yeah. Uber has stepped their game up.

You guys haven't tried Uber Owl? Incredible. That's what the girl said when she saw Lewis. What was Lewis dressed as, by the way? Papa Shango. Oh, the wrestler. Yeah, a wrestler. Okay, okay.

Why, though? Because Papa Shango's fucking awesome. But is it connected to New Orleans? Yeah. In New Orleans voodoo shit. He would do voodoo on his opponents. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Oh, shit. All right. Yes, wrestling nerd. Right here. Okay. I know shit. Every year, one of my favorite gigs besides this one, is the Chris Jericho Rock and Wrestling Rager at sea,

and it is comedy, pro wrestling, and heavy metal on a boat. It's fucking... They stole our idea. Brad goes overboard, they throw a cheerio. Those cruises are wild. They are. That and, yeah, the wrestling crews, not a lot of women. Sure, sure.

Joe would love it. There's not a lot of women on any of these cruises. The impractical Joker's cruise? It's just not a lot of chicks on any of these cruises. It's a cruise, but the boat never leaves the dock because it's wrestling, so they don't actually really do it. You know about Siemen. We should sure use some bodega cat.

I could use a cigar. You can use a cigar. Oh, we got one over here. By the way, can we get the bodega cat? a cat bottle that's been passed around that Joe List was sipping from right before his herpes story. The lady with the tits had it and she took it away. It was out

here and she just took it. Wait, you're on mushrooms, aren't you? Nope. What happened? I'm on mushrooms. Oh, hell yeah. You are or are not? Oh, yeah. How are they treating you? They're good. They're good. Yeah, I feel like you're talking a lot, but I'm enjoying it. Then you are high.

Wow. That is a first. I'm not going to lie, I've never tried mushrooms, and I'm kind of scared. I thought you lived under one. No. Yeah. I'm scared. It might be like Mario and I'll eat one and I'll grow. There goes my fucking act.

Eat them tonight if I'm going to. Yeah, take advice from that guy. Yeah. The fucking two degrees away from Down syndrome is telling me to take mushrooms right now. Let's go, buddy. That's a good dwarf slur, Down syndrome. It really is. It's the downest of syndromes.

I love with how much conviction he said that. If you're going to try mushrooms for the first time, do it with 4,000 strangers that want a photo with you. Yeah. That won't be anxiety-driven at all. That have devil horns on their t-shirts. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Where are you from, sir? A box. Is your tongue swollen? Boy. Under the freeway. That's called Kentucky. What's the town near Cincinnati, Ohio? Trenton.

Trenton. That's in New Jersey, sir. Capital. Okay. All right, sorry I asked. Yeah. I also feel strongly you've been thrown out of all these places. You haven't moved.

You've been asked to leave. my fucking, my ears heard from the brakes screeching. Follow-up question. Are you black? He's taking a long time to answer this. He couldn't answer where he lives. You think he's going to identify his kind of brown face right now? Black guy. Do you claim him? Can you tell? Is it like Gator? No. He doesn't want to admit to anything.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, thanks. There's got more cigars here. The cigar guy, not as attractive as the whiskey guy. No. Oh, shit. Your drinks clown. Oh, fuck me. That's twice. God damn.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Joe, what movie is this? That's twice. I want some butts. Some what? That's you last year. Oh.

It's top gun. Top gun, anybody? Joe's a bottom gun. That was pretty good. Thanks. Sorry about the spilling. I like it. I was hoping I would get a wet thigh.

Speaking of wet thighs. Where's that whiskey again? That was really something else. That was distracting. Yeah. Why is that guy standing? Hang on. Is he going to shoot us? Oh, no, it's all right. You can stand up.

I'm okay. Like, he'll miss me. Wait, what were you asking? I won't. That's over. He asked me he was black and he didn't have an answer. He didn't know. That was wild. He didn't know what he was.

What nationality are you, sir? Ethnicity, dummy. He's American. Ethnicity. Take it easy, Joe. I'm sorry. Take it easy. Oh, boy. You said you're Italian?

The southern part? Africa? I think he just passed out on the Ferris wheel for a couple hours. Boy, we really lost the crowd, but I'm having a great time up here. It's like a rotisserie grill. Oh, that's all right. Yeah. Because I asked about him. I honestly have no recollection of anything I was saying. No, I don't, what, what, do you remember?

No, it's all right. clue? Yeah, I got to remember. I got nothing. Okay, that's all right. Do you hate when you're talking to somebody and then they'll lose their train of thought and they'll like, what was I talking about? And then you have to be like, I don't have any fucking idea. I have no idea what you're talking about. That's every

married man on this day is right now. Am I the only not married man on this day? Yeah, but give it like 30 minutes. Do you guys like being married? I mean... I hate it. Yeah, it's great. You don't have to worry about getting

laid or if it's a man or having fun enjoying life. I'm not a great time. What are you kidding? No, it's great. And then I married to tall women so now I can put things on shelves and they get got. It's awesome. Before I was just like I can never be with a dwarf

woman because it's like a light bulb burns out. We're fucked. Yeah, how many dwarves have you banged? Ooh. And do they count as one? Yeah. You were fucked two with a trench coat on?

Yeah, it was a one and a half some. Yeah, somewhere between, like a baker's dozen. Oh, okay. So 15 feet's worth. If I could lay the men to end. We lost another couple. Oh, damn it. Oh, damn it.

Greg, you've been married for quite some time. How do you like it? 25 years. JuBroad. I'm fucking, yeah, I married a Jew broad. So yours can put things on shelves. Mine does the taxes. Sure.

No, it's great. It's great. It is weird to think sometimes that I am currently having sex with a 59-year-old woman. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm 59, too, but that's her fucking problem. But I... Imagine my husband. wife, she fucks a bitch.

Every time. She looks at me and goes, I have to fuck him the rest of my life. Well, God fucked you first. Yeah, he did. Brad, it's not every time. The joke is she's cheating on him. That was the joke.

Fucking other people. Okay. Brad's more of a shower than a grower. Does she have a fetish, or does she actually like you? She actually... Jesus Christ. When she met me, I was doing morning radio, so she at first just heard my voice.

Oh, no. I know, because I don't... I don't sound like one. Yeah. You know, I'm not on the radio like, oh, god, blah, blah, blah. We can all do that, Joe. It's like Byron Allen being black.

You'd never fucking know if he was on the radio. Oh, right, right, right. But yeah, we, we, we, we, we matched on a dating app called, uh, what was the fuck, okay, uh, yeah, we're called a field, F-E-E-L-D. Okay, some of you know. Yeah. That, that's an alternative lifestyle dating app. Oh. Yeah, so, Joe, you're on there.

I thought you're going to say it was called front lawn. Get it? Because there's gnomes on the front. God damn it. Come on, guys. Come on! Anthony from the old O.B. and Anthony show had the best line ever when he heard that I met my wife on a dating app.

It was, I hate blacks. How'd you know? He likes young women, so he met her on Littlefield. Yeah, when he found out that my wife is tall, he called me Uncle Tom Thumb. That's great. And then Bobby Lee said the app that I met her on was called Thumb. thumble. How long have you been married? Because apps you're not too long, right? Eight years.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, it's like 14 and dwarf. She's a 5'7, sir. Oh, she's a normal. I know. I go up on her. Joe, why don't you get, why don't you settle down? Why don't you get married? Find yourself a nice girl. I'm not against it. Yeah. I'm not against it. I would love to find the right

woman and actually settle down. I'm kind of tired of being single, to be honest. I bet. Right, woman? I'm sure we can find one right here at Skankfest. Oh, yeah. A nice woman for you to settle down with? Any blind women? Does anybody want to marry me? That lady right there is very sexy and just clapped and said,

Yeah. Ooh. Come on up. Are you single? Oh. Come on up. That is a good-looking woman. Hey, I love the tattoo. How big's your clit? Because it's going to have to be pretty big.

Do we have another microphone? I can give one up. Would you be at all interested in going out with this slightly more creepy, Jared, from Subway? I love Joe, so. Everybody loves Joe. How do you feel about Joe? You like him?

You love him? Thank you. What, may I ask why? We're sick in the head, I get you, man. Oh, she's a keeper. Yeah. I get you, too. Are you into the sleeve?

Because I think the sleeve is very hot, personally. Yeah, I love the sleeve. And you're very tatted up also. I've got some tats, yeah. One swastika. Does that bother you? The choice to put them all on one side of your body is mildly disturbing. It's the sleeve and one tit.

You've got one tit done. Did you run out of money? Oh, it connects. It all connects. How far around your back does it go? I don't believe you. And then I have back tattoos. I have a lot of tattoos.

Have you ever dated or hooked up with a comedian in the past? I have not. Oh, no. Now, when you came here, did you think there's a chance maybe you'll hook up with a comedian? Absolutely not. Didn't even cross your mind? No.

And then you just saw this guy and you're like, yes, that is what I'm into. A reject from Best Buy's nerd squad. Hey, what the fuck, man? I've been shitting on you. These guys been breaking your tiny balls all night. I haven't given any shit.

I'm trying to bank this, Brad. You want to help them out? I want to date a guy who looks like he's videotaping me with his glasses. Shut up. So you were the guy that was following me. He looks like a paper boy with that old man disease. I just can't reach the driveway anymore. You do have a Benjamin button towards the end of the film look.

The beginning. Excuse me. I'm sorry. I forget it. The movies. I'm a little fucked up myself. I can't stop doing Goodfellas references. I'm sorry.

Maybe it's me. I'm a little fucked up myself. Only your good side. Now, what's that? Only your good side. Hey. She fucked up the line, but she's a girl. She's a nice girl. Now let me, this is why I think this might work

because when we said Joe, you didn't do a big, yeah, you went, it was kind of a genuine like, ooh. That's how I felt like, I caught it, and it felt like a real, oh my God, I like Joe. Is that, am I reading this? I love Joe. Great eyebrows. Oh, my God.

There you go. Now, where are you at on pegging? Dominatrix vibe. Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. Why don't you exchange?

We can't make this the whole show, but why don't you exchange numbers and we'll see what happens? Yeah. After the... Well, because she could be a lunatic. Oh, come. No idea. She's a lovely lady. Take her on the Ferris wheel.

It's a lovely evening together. You take my number, you call me. Maybe we have a nice dinner together or something like that. Dinner. There's one day left in the festival. You gotta fuck tonight, you psycho. Come on, Joe. Dinner. What are we assholes at Skankfest?

Where do you, what's your name, Miss? Gina. Gina. Yuck, never mind. Eugenia. I'm trying to eat over here. What's wrong with Gina? Gina stinks.

What? Whoa. Maybe Elizabeth, something like that. That's my sister's name. Oh, Elizabeth! That's my sister's name. My name is literally Elizabeth. Oh, shit.

Get Elizabeth up here. Yeah. Yeah. Betty, Betty, Liz. My sister. Oh, good. She said, we're still coming to Skank Feds. You tore your ACL?

Yeah. That's awesome. Joe loves it when you can't run away. Joe, you can lick her orthopedic boots. That's kind of hot. Will you both suck, Joe? You're the sister. That's a little weird.

You don't want to have a threesome with your sister. I think it is. I love that you think it's only a little weird. Where'd you gals come from? We left you. Fucking him is a gamble. So, hey-o. Folks, this microphone keeps cutting in and out.

What are you guys do in Vegas? Ian Finance. Yeah. How about you, Gina? 33. What do you mean by a customer service-type job? The Starship Enterprise, Joe. You love that shit.

You work for the car company. What do you do for them? You know about cars. He loves tranny fluid. Can he rent you just for the night? I started with your stick shift. I got a friends and family. Put on a strap on and leave the driving to her. She'll pick him up.

And what do you do? Edward Jones. I'm a financial advisor. Oh, Edward Jones. That was the guy you fucked. Edward Jones is good. Yeah, I love Edward Jones. He's one of the best.

That's good. Yeah. That's my favorite finance. I love Edward Jones. If Edward Jones were here, I would say, dude, thank you for the finance. Excellent. Old E.J. All right, well, you guys, we should get Lewis. You guys can fistfight for a date or something, whatever we do at the stupid festival.

I think it's only Gina who's in the Jojo. Yeah, Elizabeth hates me. I want to marry both sisters. I think we have a three-way marriage. Well, we're in the South. I keep trying for Sister Wise myself, but it's not working out. Yeah. We'll do sister wives.

You will? Now, have you ever, like, made up with each other or anything? Did you hear this? Did you hear this kind of here? No. She goes, we'll do sister wives. And one guy under his breath

in the saddest way, he goes, that's weird. That's where he draws the line here at Skank Fest. I've had enough of this. That's enough, Skank Fest. Elizabeth, you're single as well? I am. Oh, baby.

This fellow's? A blind guy. He's missing all the action. Blind guy, you single? Oh, what do you like? Braille porn? You ever fucking blind guy? No.

What do he say? Oh, cellulites like braille. That's good. That's a fucking good joke. That's not bad. It's those Joe's herpes. Yeah. He would grab Joe's leg and go, this is infected.

This is the story of... All right, sister wives, it is. We're going to get married. The three of us, I don't want to move to Vegas. I'm sorry. How do you feel about Phoenixville, Pennsylvania? Very specific. Never been.

You're going to show me around. There's a great sandwich, yeah. Give me a little. It'll be fine. You can work for Ed Hardy there or wherever the fuck that guy's name was. And they've got an enterprise. I've seen it.

They're everywhere. All right. I think we just found my life. I think we got something here. Gina, you're in, baby. Gina. Elizabeth, we'll find someone for you. The blind guy seems very interested.

Oh, yeah. You can't stop staring at the ceiling. Can I just say, wait, Joe, I don't want to sell you out, but... But I will. Well, we had a conversation earlier where you told me that a woman here at the festival... Uh-oh. D-M'd you. Wait, can I just rip her up real quick?

If you sell him out, it'll be the first time he's sold out. Greg. Can I say this? I feel like you're about to say something you shouldn't say right now. Which means you should say it. Someone DM Joe. A lady DMed him? We'll edit it out and we'll get everyone.

Who gives a shit? All right. So Joe gets exciting because this girl at the festival and she DM me a picture of her tits. You sure wasn't DP? And I kept it private. I didn't show it. No, no, no. And I immediately go, can I see it?

And then he looked at me suddenly with this austerity of a town. elder and he's like, one doesn't do that. You don't share that. Well, because you don't. It was nice. No, but I felt like a piece of shit. You shame me. You should. You're a fucking piece of shit. That's what I felt like. I'm fucking married and I was like, I'm such a piece of garbage. And then Mark comes over

and I go, somebody DM him a picture of their tits and Mark immediately goes, can I see it? He showed me. No, he did. No, I did not. No, I did not. I would never do that. Anytime. I feel very strongly about that. I think it's really shitty when a guy goes, look at this, what this girl sent me? I think that's a real shitty thing to do.

It's a violation of, it's a nice like, fucking, oh, shut up. No, I hear that. No, that's great. Yeah, it's a shitty thing to do. That's really, really, really cool. Horting tit photos from married guys. Really awesome. Congrats, Joe. You woke. Listen.

I'm fucking old-fashioned if a girl sends me a picture of her clam. No, that's new fashion, you fucking homo. Yeah. Old fashion is, you posted on the internet. Old fashion, you fucked a dude. I never share pictures like that. That's fucked up. That's a fucked up thing to do.

So you can DM him a photo and you know it's going to be safe. Stop trying to impress Gina. Yeah, so girls, feel free to DM me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. Dude, Joe would never do that, Gina. And her sister. I didn't know it was a ruse.

Sorry. Yeah, Gina, this is good people right here. Oh, yeah. Get that to him, Pronto. Air drop. How long is this show, by the way? I have no idea how long we've been up here. I don't know. I'm about to black out.

What? Is that real? This doesn't work in years. I mean, what's happening after this? fucking Ralph and SDR shoot a porn scene? Who gives a shit? Mark's watch is on East Coast time. I almost shit. I'm like, we've been up here for three and a half hours.

But we have been up here for a while. Oh, that's the lady on mushrooms. Oh. I love that she, the mushrooms that she's come off the mushrooms that she's leaving. That's fucking hilarious. She's like, I'm sober now. I'll see you guys later.

Were you freaking? Freaking. Wow, you must have. Wow. Ego death. And then a midget walks on stage, you're like, they're still in me right now. Did you just get up to leave and then not leave? Oh, you can leave.

No, it's okay. I'm not going to make fun of you. What happened on the mushrooms? And I'm sure this is what you were hoping for while you were freaking out on mushrooms. We did argue garbage, and she walked on stage and took over. You went off eventually, but it was weird. We have video of it.

What's your name is? Tusha. Tusha. Tusha. That's a fucking retarded name. Oh. No. I'm joking.

How are you going to talk to the girl who DM'd you like that? No, that's not her. I know. I'm joking. But wait, no, what, Tusha, where does that come from? Was your sister's... Oh, it's Ukrainian. So Joe sides with Russia.

That's the problem. Was your older sister name one, Joe? Well, hopefully I'll be Putin it in her. Come on, folk. Come on, folks. These are the bits. If she doesn't consent, it's a Crimea. A Ukrainian geography joke.

Didn't know I had that. Well done. You've got so much more love than my God. Tusha. You took a bunch of mushrooms with that. That's how a festival works. There's plenty of... There's plenty of comics here.

It's worth asking that. Sure. Are you attracted to Joe? Oh, she just turned asexual. Just now. Good job, Joe. Joe's a sexual predator. Hold on a second.

Let's not make it sound like I'm chasing after Tusha who suffered an ego death. Give me a fucking break here. Christ, guys. I like to settle down. I'm not fucking, you know. Tusha also suffered a broad death. Did you lose that while you were tripping? It's missing.

It's not necessary? God bless you. Free the nipple. Are you L.A.? I'm getting L.A. Vives. Toronto, Canuck. The L.A. of Canada. Is what they say.

Very now. This girl was interesting here. That's a man. A bald man with a beard. This red-haired... Callahan-Haw lady. Oh, yeah, with the cans. I love that show's like, I'm old school.

I don't show chance. I will point out a woman and say, this broad's interesting. No, I'm just saying she's got an interesting look. What is this? A slave trade? Leave her alone. I want that one that much.

There's a big one right there. She looks strong. New Orleans, big slave city, by the way. Bring me the interesting one. What's your name, Miss? what is this a speed date Joe? Come on I'm just fucking

their fourth one All right What's your name there Sister Kevin? Kevin Oh that's perfect Kevin

Are you home alone Shut the fire Hold on Somebody played password Kevin Devin Oh Devin Oh Devin

Yeah Still a man's name Just not a home alone Man's name just not a home alone Man's stuff All right Devin that's hot Yeah

Devin. All right. You're with this guy here. Yeah. What's your name, buddy? Steven and Devin. Always good. I got the sillies all of a sudden.

I don't know what's going on. Well, welcome, Steve and Dev. Good to see it. Joe's... I don't know what. I don't know what's going on. No, I don't know. Why don't you ask the beautiful lady

who seems to be by herself? Oh, with the curly hair. This lady. She's hot and alone. This lady. Are you alone, ma'am? It's always a good sign. somebody that comes to a comedy festival alone.

I'm going to go to Skank Fest solo. That's such a creepy vibe. Are you alone? Does anyone know you're here? What's your name is? Jesus Christ. Melissa. That's a fake name.

You came to Skankfest solo? Good for you. Why, though? Why did you? Wait, hold on. Come here. There's a microphone. Come step right up here.

She doesn't want to No, use Melissa. Melissa. Oh, no, she's good. She's good. There you go. She doesn't want to. It's all right. Yeah, you don't have to.

It's all right. But she has the microphone. All right. Well, this is getting real weird. Brad, talk about being little. I can't see shit. At a restaurant. How does that work?

You go stool or booster? What's the matter with you? Sorry, sorry. I got a million questions for the little bit. No, restaurants are fine. because my torso's average size, so I sit just as high. It is awkward when they bring me crans in a coloring book.

Brad went to get his COVID vaccine. He said, first I'm going to need the booster. Gene almost lit up her chair. These are the jokes. Threesome marriage with the sister. That was a beauty. That was a whopper. I didn't get COVID-19.

I got COVID-9-5. Rebecca Trent, producer of Skagfess is funny. Answer that. Answer that. Rebecca, we're on Tuesdays with stories. You're live on the air. What's up? Okay. No, give us on.

To hear the gossip. Yeah. Any hint on who this involves? Gina has a dick. She's here. Okay, I'll call you back. She hung up real fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gina, I'm so sorry. His ex showed up. Oh, boy, you chubbed up. So did she? I think that's who she was talking about? Yeah, of course. That's wild. How you feeling?

Fitz is going to go talk. I'm so curious what the gossip is. I think we figured it out. Your lady friend is back. No, no, she said, I'm calling to gossip. I'll say, that sounded like she was going to say, like, there was a that didn't sound like a positive,

like. Oh. Right? No, she said the girl from last year is here. No, no, I get that. What I'm saying is, it didn't say she was... Oh, no, I think you're good. I don't think I'm fine. I think she was calling to tell me a crazy story is what I'm saying. All right

You don't think so You're getting real cagey and weird on me Joe I think you're good I think the girl's back and wants to meet you again Listen if she's back Can I borrow these? Sure You might want some anal beads

An anal beads joke folks Come on Love a guy All right What about a Greg? He went to go do coke in the bathroom No He had to piss

He's fucking 67 years old That's true He'll be back like 40 minutes What's uh yeah Where did he go What happened? We lost the blind guy. Oh, no, that's not good when you walked the blind.

Wait. He thought we couldn't see him, but it's the other way around. Right. I've been a hell of a time with you boys. Yeah, you're doing great. I love you guys, yeah. Yeah. I like you.

Listen to that depleted audience. Yeah, this is a long show. Yeah, just a dying crowd. Well, you want to meet anybody else in the audience and get their name? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's cute. Oh. Filarious.

No, I don't want to. What the fuck's your name? Are you guys together? You in the glasses? Okay. You guys swing? No, that's my thing. I swing in trees.

I think they just turn the lights out on us. Yeah. Do we just get lit? Yeah. I think we're going to turn it. I think it's a pot after this. Mm-hmm. What's the pod after?

There's no show after this, is there? Oh, there is. Who? What's the show after this? Okay. Leach? No, there's no way to lead you to ganges in this room. What is it?

Spook show. Easy. Yeah. Good Lord. What's that? Is that a haunted house thing? Oh, Zach Amico. He's alive. We lost.

Have a good one, Tusha. What time's Zach's show? Zach over there? What time's your show? 10 o'clock. Oh, gee. Why didn't anybody light us? That should have told us.

Oh, sorry, Zach. Yeah, we're sorry, buddy. To be fair, Zach's show was nine and a half hours last night, so we're okay. The Naked Roast was like a Springsteen concert. Well, I guess we've got to wrap it up. Well, we don't have to wrap it up because everyone's leaving. This is a sad ending for this podcast.

Oh, man. Folks at home, literally half the crowd has departed. Yeah, good movie. It's okay. Why? Oh, wow. Zach, it's not looking good for your show. Hey, Greg!

We came back right when we were ending. Greg's back just to say goodbye. Where'd you go? I had to piss so bad. I was going to use the bucket, but I didn't want you guys looking at my dick. Guys, it's your job to wrap it up. Oh, right, right, right.

Sorry. You're the host. Jesus fucking Christ. It's my job to wrap it up, but I didn't. I got herpes. Thank you. Greg. You're a good supporter. I am. Well, I just love that. Earlier he's

smoking a cigar and he apologized like four times about the smoke. And then about five minutes ago, he stood up and farted in my face. Not in your face, in the microphone. It was a dandy. Gina? I love you.

You're in with Gina. Yeah, I think Gina's into you. Who the hell is Gina? Oh, my God. How quickly we forget. She doesn't have a He don't care. Stay the sisters from now on. Hocus pocus over there.

I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to marry this. Okay. I think we should just go until everyone's gone. It won't be long. About five more minutes and we're there. All right, well, stick around for Zach and Mick. Where are you guys headed now? Oh, Skanks.

Don't say that out loud. He could hear you. That's not starting on time. No. No chance. Dave's got to do a 10 minute. think about Israel. He loves that.

Yeah, I know. It's all over my feed. He loves that. Again, it's your show, so take the wheel. Our producer is literally doing this in the back. Oh, he's talking about Khashoggi. All right. Well, thank you guys.

I think this was awesome. I don't know. Hey, yeah, we had moments. Maybe one of our best. And, uh, Stick around. Zach Amico's about to do his show, the spook show. He's fucking unbelievable.

Do you guys see Zach's set last night? So funny. He's a killer joke writer. Un fucking real, hilarious. And he's going to die soon. So support the man, will you? That's the spook aspect. I see.

He drops dead halfway through. No, stick around. Or go wherever the fuck you want. I don't care. Yeah, thank you. Comedy. Hey, my father's gay. You guys were great.

Tuesdays of Stories. Praise Allah, queepin' up comedy.