Tuesdays with Stories! - 634 Black Leznar

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Mark has a double AirPod issue! Joe (and the crowd) versus a heckler in DC! Mark the mogul starts ANOTHER new venture! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Support the show & save up to $600 on a Hydrow Rower with code TUESDAYS at http://hydrow.com/ - Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat Frames at https://on.auraframes.com/TUESDAYS Promo Code TUESDAYS - Treat yourself to gear that looks great, feels great, & doesn't break the bank. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & get 20% off all Raycon audio products @BuyRaycon.com/TUESDAYSOPEN

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me. Toss it. Why is your Beacon Theater poster in the closet, you dizzy fuck? Open that up. It looks too weird to have a poster of me out. What are you out of your mind? Yeah, it's weird. It's up.

It's there, but it's not broadcasting. I get a little reminder. You're retarded. Get that out of there. Frame it. Put it on the wall. What are you nuts? It's got my face on it.

I don't want my face on the wall. Your face is all over the place. Look, there's your face. There's your face. face. There's your face. There's your face up there. There's your face up there. This is a photo. This is a photo. That's a flyer. You went to the beacon that should be blown up and framed and matted and put above your bed.

It's stuck in the closet like me. That's where it belongs. Oh, boy. What do you think of Eddie Murphy with the puppets at the end? I thought the ending of that doc could have used some work. I thought the puppets were a little window into how kooky he is. I'm like, this guy's off. He's got to get out of that house. He's a kooky. Can I say this? I don't want it. smirch anyone, but I'm about to besmirch. Be smirch. Be smirch.

Be smirfs. We're talking about the Eddie Murphy doc currently on Netflix, our future home. Papa smirch. And Papsmere. What? How about when they had, and I

love the man, I respect the man. But they have Tracy Morgan, Dave Chappelle, Eddie Murphy, and Chris Rock, and they're like, the Mount Rushmore, the big four, the four, the four greats. Tracy Morgan, huh? I mean,

pregnant, the top Mount Rush. I mean, I love Tracy. I've worked with Tracy. I know Tracy. I don't think you'll hear this. I think he's hilarious. But I think it's a lot to put him in that group there, don't you think? Yeah, of course.

I mean, I don't even think he does stand up at this point. And at least get like a Kevin Hart or, I mean, somebody big. Right. I'm not saying Kevin Hart's on the rock list, but get a, get a. Bernie Max out. Yeah. I don't think anyone is on that. I mean, other than like Pryor and Cosby,

and one's dead and one's a rapist. Prior? Cosby died? No, wait, what the hell? Who's another black? On the level of Chappelle, Rock, and Murphy? They want a black. There's not one.

It should just be the three, the big three. But I think Tracy is from there, maybe whatever. He was on the show. He was on the show. That's it. And then Keenan joins. But luckily they were on the edges, which I think they knew also. Yes, yes.

Like they're five standing in a row, and they had them on the side of like the big five. Right. You know, like us with Chuck. Yeah. Well, Rupert makes six. But the crazy thing is Eddie Murphy plucked Chris Rock out of the comic strip when he was like 17 or something. He was moving chairs and he had buck teeth and a flat top. And now they're on S&L together like 900 years later.

It's so cool that he kept him. Very cool. And Eddie really is just the coolest. And he's cool. That house is crazy. It looks like the Louvre. Unbelievable. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

But yeah, he's fun to watch. That was fun to watch. And I was annoyed that they were like SNL where it all started. I'm like, well, it started the comic strip. You got that right, Fannie. I'm like, get out of here. You can't just start at SNL. Yeah.

He started the comedy club. But also, anybody. Murphy, he's real zen. He's like, I just let things come to me. I don't really go out there and make things happen. I'm like, I wish you would. I wish you would go out. When you were making things happen, we got the clumps and the nutty professors

and all that. Crazy the clumps, he didn't win an Oscar. So he's like, I'm going to show them. I'm going to be everybody in the movie. And he fucking killed it. Yeah, he's really, he's special. It's fun to watch. He's one of those guys, he's one of those guys, you just want to watch. And then he's talking about how he's been taking notes for a year. Like, he has bits written down. For 20 years, I'm like, do the bitch. Two of the bits.

But I don't know if he can do comedy without saying the F word, and that doesn't fly anymore, except on this podcast. It flies back again, though. Now we're back. Maybe it's tricky for him. He's in Hollywood or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a hell of a doc.

Check that out. The documentaries about people are out of control. It's crazy. On fire, we've got a Norm one coming out. We've got a Mel Brooks one coming out. I mean, it's cooking. There's also a Gallagher one coming out. And then there's a Chevy Chase coming out.

Wow. You see that trailer? No, I haven't. Does he say the N-word? I don't know. He's 82 now. Damn, I met him. Oh, is that right?

I met him at Dr. Phil at the Chicago Theater. Oh, wow. I met two huge S&L alums at the Chicago Theater. Larry David, Chevy Chase. It's funny to think of Larry as an S&L alum. Yeah, well, he dabbled. He did. He dabbled, right?

Or Fridays. No, he dabbled. He was there. That's the one he quit. That's the one he quit. The Costanza. There you go. Oh, Eddie Murphy, Seinfeld had the best line.

And the whole doc. What was it again? He goes, he's talking about how, you know, we praise all these comedians. And he goes, comedians get the biggest praise, the most flowers, the biggest compliments, and the most venom. And they're all lies. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you get the biggest, hey, you're the goat. Right.

How many people put a little goat on your Instagram when you post a clip? You know, hey, listen to the goat. And then they go, all right. Then they go, he's a piece of shit. Kill him. Everybody hates him. He sucks. And you're like, well, that's a lie.

too. Right. People don't want to kill me. All bullshit. Maybe your wife. My wife? My wife. My wife.

I will not move to a smaller room. That's nice to me watch Borat. I got to get back in there. That's a hell of a picture. Great movie. I mean, Ollie G. Really had a good run. Another reason, and I know I'm a cunt, everything changed.

Everything went political. Everything went pick aside. Everything went virtuous. And now you can't get an Ali G. Right. Yeah, I wonder what he does now, or if he thinks weird things about what he did or whatever. Like, is he like, oh, I fucked up, I shouldn't have done that.

Well, he lost his wife. Is that right? They divorced, Ila. Out of Ila. But I think that's just regular Hollywood stuff. Yeah, maybe, maybe. You know, you make the money and then she does the thing. And also, it's going to be hard dating an actor.

They're just always making out with a guy. They're always fucking a guy. That's a good point. And they, like, you go away for like six weeks. Yeah. You know what I mean? She's like, I got cast in this movie. It's going to be me and Tom Hardy will be sharing a tent.

Oh, my God. God, Hardy boys. And we fuck, and then we got to do, we got to rehearse the whole time. We got to do all this stuff. I'm Hardy. And then he's just going, okay, well, I got a role, and me and Courtney Cox are going to be doing a blowjob scene and whatever. Maybe not Courtney Cox, but someone who's, you know. Hardy Cox.

Oh, there goes your baby. There goes my baby. I think the nanny just covered his face with a blanket. Well, it's a burka now. That's hilarious. Things have changed. She's looking at us. Oh, that's awkward.

Hey, no more Duna. Yeah, we upgraded. Thank you. By the way, we have the same stroller. We're keeping the duna for the, maybe for number two. Whoa, tuna duna. Yeah. That's wild.

So I got a lot of, a lot of juice to put in here. I don't have a lot. Because post-SkangFa, I've just been sleeping. I'm like a vampire. I can't get over it. Everybody, I went to L.A. I'll save some of this, but I went to L.A. Everyone from Skankfest, who is in L.A.

is like they got the gout, they got herpes, they got AIDS, they got scurvy. Everyone is all banged up because we're 40 now. I know. And now we're drinking, we're doing Adderall, we're eating donuts, we're eating ass, we're up all night, so it hits you harder. I'm fucked up. I was in D.C., Chocolate City, I'm napping. It took me like 30 seconds to realize where I was.

I was like, where am I? This is crazy. My dicks in my ass. And now I'm watching footage from Skankfest. I'm sad, Jeremy. Oh, you get the footage. You get to relive. I'm reliving, but it's sad.

I'm watching. I'm like, I have a bedazzled cowboy hat, a leather jacket. I'm crowd surfing. I made out with three dudes, two chicks, and one half and half. Oh, Brad Williams. And I just, I can't get over it because I was a different person down there, Jerry. You know what it is? You're Edward Norton all day long.

What do you mean? Skankfest, you're Tyler Durden. You become the elevated you. I can fuck for hours. I can eat ass. I can drink. I can fight. Now, interestingly, isn't he also, wasn't he the Hulk?

Very similar. Ah, I guess you're right. Well, the Hulk makes you angry and big. It doesn't make you cool. Right. But yeah, I know what you mean. But either way, I'm somebody. And I was just a different person.

Now I'm back. I'm like changing a diaper. I'm like, I love you, Sarah. Over there, I was like, who wants to fuck me? I love my wife. She's a pig. I'm blowing the first two guys that come up here, and now I'm back to just, you know,

kissing on the cheek, changing a diaper. Well, that's the thing about skating. It pulls that, that jizz out of you because that's what our childhood was like. Don't you feel like that? You know, people always say, I feel like I'm losing my edge.

In my 20s and teens, I was a fucking pistol. I was a hot pistol. I would jump off a building. I would punch a cop and I'd ride a horse. Right. Those days, they fizzle, and they have to fizzle because you get older, you got to take care of the baby, you got to pay the mortgage.

Well, it's skank. They bring the skank out of you. I felt like a real skank down there. I was a skank. You were, too. What you mean? Well, we had that in us, that skank. I know, it's still there.

I'm repressing the skank. You repress the skank. I don't want to repress the skank anymore. By the way, I was talking to Ari. He's on WhatsApp, you know. Oh, I got to get on there. Yeah. Yeah, he's probably reached out to you.

Oh, geez. He sent me like 100 messages. Maybe I won't get on there. But he's a clown. Whatever. But I was restaging going, hey, I miss you. If I could Skank Fest was wild. And then how about this?

Pimple. Maybe you'd be mad that I said this. I was like, oh, I got a hilarious Salakue story. He goes, no comedy gossip. I'm trying to, uh, whatever. He wants it bad. And I wrote back, all right, I won't tell you a hilarious story about a non-comedian. It's like, what are you talking about?

Good point. Like, oh, no, I'm, I'm rehearse. rehabilitating down here or whatever. I'm like, so you can't hear funny stories. You're a different personality type. That's silly. Put the ayahuasca down and listen to a funny story about our kooky best buddy. See, this makes me feel better because we have a protect our parks chain where we send each other horrific memes and racist Joe, whatever. And Ari went off to Myanmar or whatever, so it turned green. It fucked up a whole chain because he's off in the, the Amazon. He's riding fences. So we kicked him out and we changed the new team.

to Fakhari. That's the name of the thread. That's good stuff. Suck it, Jewface. Well, it's just this thing of like, like these weird, oh, I don't talk about funny stories. I'm out here cleansing.

I'm in a deep cleanse and a hammock. And then I'm like, we've got to get you in this movie. I can't make the movie without you. And he's like, you'll never find me. I'm going to Guatemala on a bus, a motorcycle here. I'm like, well, could you meet up two days? I want to bring my wife and we're friends.

I'm friends with your wife. Sure. Why are you got to be so fucking like, what? Mysterious, yeah. Did he kill a kid? Well, what's he running from this guy? I don't know. He went to Zoroasus, though.

That seems fun. Oh, okay, okay. Now, we're coming back. So we can see Oasis, but he can't hear a story. Yeah, exactly. Don't tell me a Salakue's story. Oh, it'll ruin my life. He would love that story, too.

It's a funny story. Damn, well, you're lost there. Ebe. Yeah, but anyways, we missed you at Skank Fest. But did we really? No, I didn't even notice he was gone Yeah, it's like one of those things You're like, I guess that would be fun

Someone could shit blood on the stage Yeah, he would just throw an afterbirth on us or something Boy, that was special Skank Fest twice a year, that's what I say I don't know if we can handle it Somebody's gonna lose a limb or a divorce Well, you know he's gonna do skank fest Stank fights

I heard that Which that's good enough because I don't know I don't want to do stand-up comedy So they don't want it either I'll go down there and watch some spanky fights And some jiu-jitsu with the fucking knife Or whatever it is Yeah, sounds good to be.

Did I tell you, Tim Butterly had a great tweet. He goes, it's great to be here at the Retod Comedy Festival. How good is that? That's pretty good. He's very funny and very handsome boy. Where did he come from? Philadelphia. Ah, okay.

That never ended. That ran out of energy at the end. That far got the light. All right, so you're in L.A. I didn't even know you were in L.A. Well, let me say one thing about the skanks, and then we'll move on. Please. So, Great Fest.

everything without a hitch everything was up and Adam positive one hiccup lost the AirPods oh I remember that you were running around looking for the AirPods

but weren't they beeping you were getting closer and closer I was beeping I was bapping I was finding but I was shit house the whole time so I was like oh maybe they're over here

and I was like at one point I was under a train they remember there were train tracks I was under like an abandoned train looking for these AirPods I didn't know you could make noise with them Blu-lulu Yeah

I didn't know you can do the noise because I'm drunk. So I'm looking and people are like, what are you doing over there? And I'm like, I'm trying to find my AirPods. They're like a mile over here. What do you do? I was so drunk and stupid. So then I got the whole staff on board. Because I remember you came through and they were pinging.

They were pinging. We saw them. I just didn't know about the noise. So I'm like, all right, they're around here. So I'm showing the staff. And everybody's like, oh, they're over here. So then it would all run over here. It was kind of fun.

It was like a little treasure hunt. Yeah. And I was like, we're going to find these things. We're going to find. And the staff there is so cool and helpful and nice. So then a guy goes, I got them. And my guy on the mic was like, we got them, we got them. And I was like, yes, because I cannot live without AirPods.

I just can't do it. So they show up, they give me the AirPods, and I go, that's them. That is them. They got a little smudge on the side. They're dirty. That's them. Thank you. Case closed, problem solved.

So cut to blah, blah, blah, blah, flying home the next day. I pop the AirPods in. They don't connect. So I go, uh-uh. Well, maybe they were lost for a while, so they're just not connecting. So now I'm, like, doing the whole Bluetooth. I find them. And then I go, oh, these are about to die.

Let me plug them in. Different charger. Huh. So these ain't them. Ah, wrong pods. Wrong pod. So... Oh, long pod!

Peas and a pod. and I went on a Joe Wong tear the other day I'll tell you all about that The comedian? Yeah He's very funny Very funny You know I heard that 50% of marriages

Work out Come on He's great Why we always always say back in Boston Because he's a Boston guy I mean Chinese Boston guy But he's a Boston China town Uh huh

He used to have a great We used to always say He does the best accidental Christopher Wacken My parents didn't like me very much Yeah. He sounded like walking. You're right. You're right. All right. So I get the pods. I'm on the flight. They're not, they're not mine, but they're working. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. But right when you put them in your ear, you're like, this is kind of weird. Yeah. It's like sex with a man.

Yes, sex with a man. It feels good. And I'm like, well, I got the pods. Somebody will find mine. It'll all even out. So now I'm back home. I plug the AirPods in. I go, I guess he's just going to move on. It's kind of like you lose your kid. And then somebody goes, here's a kid. You go, that's good enough. Right. It kind of looks like him. I'll just fall in love with this kid now. Like us with the producers. Yes, yes.

You're sending any fucking piece of shit in here, we'll go, all right, what are you going to do? We'll make it work. Rupert, Shelby, all shapes and sizes. Lex, Salacuse. Oh, geez, yeah. Benji, Becky. Wow. Black Lou.

Wow. Who's the longest? Shelby, I think. A couple years. Who was the other guy that first? The first guy with the curly hair. Friedman. Friedman?

Adam Friedman or... Remember? He was at Stand-up Labs. John. Well, John, Fatigate. And also, though, the other guy, though, was Friedman. Fatigate should be Rupert's name. Sorry.

Fat Eskate. Yeah. He had a big Jew-Fro. Freedman. You don't remember? He was very quiet. He was there for a while. I like quiet.

Something Friedman. Lex Friedman. Adam Lex. I don't know. You don't remember? No. Seriously? Not ringing a bell.

I blocked it out. He was before Shelby. He was the main guy before Shelby. He had a big jufro. Very quiet. Shelby. You know it's like the fresh prints where they keep changing moms. That's what that's us.

Viv. Viv. Well, anyways. It's been a lot. So I'm at home. A couple days go by. I've adapted to the AirPods. I'm out on the porch bringing my baby down the stairs because I'm going to take them to the park.

Okay. So I'm waddling down the stairs, and this guy goes, Norman! And my first thought is, oh, great. Some fan now sees me with my kid, now knows where I live. I'm awesome. And I go, hey, what's up, man? And he goes, you have my AirPods. And I go, get the fuck out of here.

We're at my home. I'm on my stairs right here on the stoop. And he goes, yeah, yeah, those are mine. And I go, come on. And he goes, b-de-l-l-l-l----------------. Wow. And I go, I guess you got me. I can hand him right over

That was it Oh So wait He tracked you down with the He's like I saw you on the Delta flight I saw you in Manhattan I saw you in Brooklyn

I saw you in New York comedy Because he was pinging me Doing spots So he's like Oh my God My Manhattan map It's like ziggin and zagin You're like the Vince Champ

Rapist guy Where they find you Then they look at your schedule Yeah without any of the fun I was just doing shows Wow And so he tracked you down To your home

Track me down to my house Track me down to my house. Where my wife sleeps with my children. Yes. He fucked my wife. And so I just had to go, all right, it was very sheepish. Like, you got me.

Dead to rights. What could I say? He had the ding-de-ling. So he just took him back? Yeah, he just took him. He's like, those are mine. And I go, do you have mine? And he goes, no.

Why would I have yours? I was like, I guess I was just thinking of the perfect world. So this is like very much like an orgy because his earwax was in there. Then you crammed your in there. Now his is back in there. Well, he's like a good. get an ear infection. It's an earwaxed orgy, the EWO.

Yeah, well, wax poetic. But we, so then I go, all right, well, now I just got to suck it up. They're lost. By the way, I can still see them at the Skankfest building on my phone. They're still there. So I call Mardi Gras world. You need Luke Monis. Ah, I would kill from Monis.

So you call them up and go, hey. I call Mardi Gras World and I can't get through, blah, blah, blah, blah. Leave a message, so I leave eight messages. Finally, I hit up Rebecca, and I go, give me the name of somebody there. I call a gal there. She goes, we'll look for them. I got the whole staff on it.

We love skanks. We had a great time. And I go great. So then I go buy new AirPods. I just go, suck it up, be an adult. You got an Apple store 10 feet away. Go buy new ones. Yeah.

So I go over there. You spend 300 bucks. I got the new, fancy ones. I'm a Raycon, man, myself. I love Raycon. Me too. Raycon. Ronald Raycon.

I literally have been. like nine boxes of Racon's right. I could have just used them. That's how much we love Racon. We won't even open these things. We hoard them. Because they're going to be worth something someday. Yeah, that's how good of a product it is.

So can you kill the heat, by the way? I'm spitsin. So then I buy the new ones. I get them all hooked up. You know, you've got to do all the skip. Series, skip. Shut up, blow me. What's my maiden name?

I've never read a single thing. I have Apple, everything. I got Apple, AirPods. iPod, iPod, I've come, ice cream. Never read a single booklet thing ever. Not once. I look at everything. I keep the charger.

I throw everything in the fire. So I put that thing on. I got my new fancy-smancy AirPod threes. 300 bucks. Get a text from Rebecca. We found your AirPods. I just bought these fuckers and I threw every receipt in the garbage. So where are the air?

Are they going to mail them to? going to mail them. This is very nice, by the way. These people are above and beyond. And she's like, I'll put your check in there too, so do not miss this envelope. I keep forgetting she wants to. I have this thing. We've talked about this is exactly what we always talk about.

When people are like, just fill out this form, she's like, I just need your banking info, and we'll shoot the money right over you. And it's a substantial amount of money. I can't bring myself to go into my bank account, write down the number, go back to the text, Text to the thing, whatever. I'd rather just lose $7,500,000. Because I'm like, I don't want to look up a number, then write a number, then I'm with you. But I got a little hack for you.

Gary Vayner. I was about to make the same joke. Oh, really? Veter. Well, I got a little, I'm the same boat. I go to my bank, and I just screenshot it, and I just send that to them. Oh, that's not bad. You can crop it so they don't see how little money you're making, but you crop it up.

Yeah, that's the problem. And then send that right over to them and you deal with it. That's not bad. Chuck, you look like you're hungry to say something. I email myself the information, so you just go in your Gmail. You don't have to sign in. You put bank and it comes up and you copy and paste. Now, Sarah said, now, we probably shouldn't be saying all this.

People are going to crack into your email account, your email account. Bring it on. But Sarah said there's a notes. You can put a lock on a notes that needs face recognition. Is that right? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah.

I love it. Kind of like your hidden photo album. So I've read. I read that in the manual. You know how I read the manual. Love man. You will. Manscape.

So yeah. Wait. What did you say? Oh, the email. What do you say when you see things? I do that because I get all these, go to New Orleans. What do you recommend? And I hate, for 16 times I've gone, what's a good?

Oh, yeah. Okay. It takes like half an hour to think of all these things. So I just wrote a list down and I just put it in a folder. And I got to go, here's my New Orleans shit. Leave me alone. Hey, folks. This message is sponsored by Raycon.

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I just sign with new management. Very exciting. Big, big manager. I mean, this is crazy. I got, you know, Gordon Gecko fucking. Big phone. Whatever you call it. Yeah, yeah.

It's crazy. So anyways, that's what I want out of a manager. I don't want to manage my career. I want fucking send my bank info. Yes. Send my recommendations. Everything. Hey, is there a good pizza place in Boston? Talk to the manager.

Yeah, everything. I can't, you know, can you digitally sign this and send it to the Department of Buildings? I just go, manager, sign it, send it. I can't do any of it. I can't look up the address. I can't figure out how to, how do you get the PDF version? versus the APF versus the IVF, you know, and you got to sign the, I can't do it.

I don't know. I literally don't know. And then Sarah's always like, you got to do it on your laptop. It's easier, but I don't even use a laptop. Right. I got unzip a bag, pull it out, open it, type in a code. I got 78 pop-ups, but I'm thinking about change my way. I'm making a new laptop. Can I have the old?

It's old. Oh, really? It's from 2015. It goes like this. I never use it. phone guy. Yeah, fig phone guy as well. Fig phone? Big phone. Fig Newton. So I had to get that AirPods story out, but then you go, because I got more. I got a lot. I don't have too much, but I just got to give a shout out to Washington, D.C.,

Chocolate City. Did the improv. Smoke crack, got his job back. Which the improv, I mean, I can't go to the improv and not think about, can I get a photo? Not, no. Sinfell, comedian. Oh, that's so good. Like that hungry guy. First, that poor guy, he must have committed suicide. I hope so, because he was a bit much. If you haven't watched comedian, it came out 27 years ago. But first, he's in the green room. He asked Jerry, first he goes, so I'll just bring you a water while you're up there,

which makes no sense. No, it's ever done that ever in the history of water. That means let me go out on stage with you and I'll get a photo. He's got a guy in the back waiting with a, like an old-fashioned one with the pop. Jerry goes, I'll just bring this water bottle. He's like, oh, okay. And then he goes, can I get a quick photo? and Jerry goes, not now.

Yeah. The poor guy, double thing. And then in the commentary, whoever's on stage, which is also crazy to think about how much times have changed. Jerry doesn't have an opener with him. It's just like a local MC. Yeah. And he does the joke.

He says, I knew the date wasn't going anywhere sexually because I was all out of chloroform and rags. Yeah, and Jerry's like, ooh. And he says in the commentary, that is the perfect hack joke. So Jerry Seinfeld calls this guy a hack. on a DVD Meanwhile he's the biggest comic in the world At that moment

The show just ended And also you're like Crazy to think He just has a random MC He didn't What do you call that When you book? Not book

But when you go through Someone's files To see if they're okay Vet Vet Yes He didn't vet him The guys literally like

Yeah I'm a rapist But I wasn't gonna rape this lady That's a great But he's the cleanest Comed on the board Yeah that's the MC's joke I couldn't rape her because usually I rape, but I ran out of my rape fluids.

That's a great point. Yeah, why would he book that? Or why would that guy, why would they pair him with Jerry? It's crazy. Why would Jerry bring anything? So, anyways, all that, DC Improv, legendary room went down. They loved the Mayflower Hotel right across the street. Can't beat it.

That is pound for pound one of the best weekends. Starbucks, lipstick, dogs. And I know the whole set list. I've seen it too many times. And then him and Shapiro sitting there. he walks across, he goes, boy, this feels really good. That's great stuff. Boy, I don't want to dock.

That duck fires me up. It's very good. It's very fun. Of course, speaking of rape, Bill Cosby kind of fucked up the climax. I've heard that before. I mean, the whole climax is he goes to see Cosby, and Cosby's so wise and beautiful, and then he's just a serial rapist. I know.

I still love it. How about Colin Quinn? Name one black guy, Bill. Come on, it's getting weird. You're making us uncomfortable. Then Jerry yells at Colin. He's like, don't ruin this. Right.

Right, right. All right. Well, we're nerding out. Sorry, but yeah, great, great point about the doc. Thank you. Well, that kid should have, I mean, look, I get it. He's fanning out. I've fanned out.

You've seen me on the couch. But he should have gotten fired for that. You got the biggest celebrity in the planet doing a club, what he could do in the fucking garden or whatever out there. And you got a guy harassing him in the green room who works there. Get out of here. That kid shouldn't have been in there. Yeah, it's crazy.

Double, double annoying. Double! Wanted to bring him a water. He just wants to be seen like I'm connected with Seinfeld. And then he wants the photo. Everybody knows you don't ask for a photo. That's like faux pa number photo. Right before he goes on stage.

Right. But anyways, so went down there with Matt Wayne. I love the room. Shows all sold out, not all sold out, but three of the five sold out, packed out. It was beautiful. Sold out of merch. How about this? Oh, that's the best.

So late show Saturday. I think it was Saturday. It was Friday. It must have been late show Friday. least best crowd, but still hot. Still killing. I mean, it's just a hot room. You can't not kill in there.

That's a great place to be when the least best is still hot. Exactly. That's hot. And I got this new hour is really cooking. I feel really good about it. Yeah, I feel good about it. That was quick. I try.

Thank you. You do. You do try. So I'm just tearing it up, hot crowd, fun. And then I forget how it started. The video will be out at some point. Uh-oh. We got some filming happening. Content.

Lady over here goes, oh, fuck, how did it start? I got to try to think of it. She goes, I was like, oh, I'm joking. She's like, joke better. Ooh. Joke funnier. Something like that. And I go, what's that?

She goes, be funnier. Oh, wow, that is so mean. What a cooze. And I go, and I didn't even throw me. I was in the pocket. I'm tired. I got a new life from Skankfest and the thing. And I'll go, what are you talking about?

She goes like, I think you just be funnier. I'm like, I'm killing. I don't understand. Yeah. And everyone's like, woo, yeah. Oh, this is already triggering me. And she goes, I'm sorry.

I just haven't laughed at all. Oh, my God. What is that? And I go, wow, I don't know what to, and as I'm saying, a thing, boo. 200 people just start booing her.

Suck it, whore. Fuck you. You suck. You fucking cunt. Yeah. I mean, they just turned on it. It was wild. That's going to change her mind,

but yeah. And then after the show, like, everybody came up to be, like that lady was a piece of shit. She was a whore. She never smiled once. She didn't laugh. And she was with it on a day. I said, you're alone, I assume.

And that kind of, you know, in that situation you can't miss. And evidently, they all booed her, and she just went to the bathroom. Like, she hid in the bathroom. And then when she came out, she didn't even go back to her table. She just went straight out. And, like, the boyfriend had to, like, look and go find her. Oh, my Lord. So it was pretty fun because

she just got booed off the planet. Wow. She got booed off the room. Yeah. Not you. And fled. But it was one of those ones where you're just kind of like, what do you mean? Like, I didn't even have a clever thing. I'm like, but I'm killing. Yeah.

Crowds going wild here. And she was like, well, maybe it's me. And then everyone afterwards was like, we were watching her. She's a piece of shit. I hope she dies. So that was fun. And then the same show, this isn't even a story because I missed the whole thing. The paramedics came in and dragged a guy out.

He, like, had a fucking heart attack or an episode or fainted. And credit to the Washington, D.C., police, fire, and army, they got him out of that. I never even knew. People were like, you didn't know that? I do a long paraplegic bit right after. The paramedics have just taken them out. That's why the joke didn't work. And I'm like,

I feel like I was in a different plan. I'm like, the paramedics came during my set. They're like, oh yeah, ambulance. They pulled them out. They put him in a chair. They strapped them down. I'm like, what? By the way, fuck you to the wait staff. I see every check going down. I hear every drink order. Paramedics come in, pull a dead guy out. Don't even notice.

You're telling me. I'm telling you, all right. But it was a great hang. I saw John F. O'Donnell, by the way. I haven't seen him since 86. Wow, that name came back from the dead. Jay Fod. He was in the other room, and he's like, I want to pop in the green room.

And it was crazy. I haven't seen him in so long. We were with him all the time every day for years. Yeah, good guy. Great guy. Funny guy. So it was nice to see him, and shout out to Dale Dunlap. She was emceeing.

Oh, wow. Cool name. A Lady Dale. You can't see Lady Dale's that. that often. No, no. And there was Matt Ways. It was Matt and Dale.

I kept doing Matt and Dale in the morning. That's fun. No one laughed at it once, but I had fun. All right. Well, yeah, that's a great room. And you get all the paramedic stuff on camera? Because that's content right there. It's a good point.

I don't know. But I never even addressed it. I don't know. They were in the back of the room. But I got the lady and that'll be fun to have her boot off the stage. That's big. But it's funny when you have like a heckle that doesn't even go into a comedic situation. It was just like, what?

Yeah. She's like, I haven't laughed. I'm like, oh, everyone else is laughing. And then it was just like, bo-oh. And that was the end of it. Can I throw on a theory that's going to be controversial? I love controversial theories. That's a theory.

So don't yell at me too hard. But when I started comedy or maybe in the 80s and 90s, it was always dudes going, You suck. Look at this fag. Homo. Kill yourself, whatever. It was like a tough guy thing. It was like an alpha guy.

Like, you're making the room laugh. I don't like it. Now, with the shifting of the cultures and everything, I think women are going to college. more, women are CEOs more, women make more money, whatever it is. I notice the ladies are the only one heckling. The men don't really heckle anymore. It's flipped completely.

Yeah, I don't know. It's a good point. I mean, I've always said about 90, I've said this before on here, I'm sure. 90% of the time you have problems with an audience member, it's a lady. It's a white lady. But I think men, in my experience, do the heckle like,

hey, fuck you. The women are like, it's funny! That's funny. Or like, no, no, no. It's more like talking to the whatever. Yeah. It's like they don't realize they're doing a thing. But yeah, it's a good point.

I haven't had a male heckler in a while. Well, first of all, I feel like we don't have hecklers very much anymore. We've reached a level where it's like, it's pretty rare. They police the room. But this one was egregious, and you might be on to something there. Because the men will give you like a use of not funny, but women are like, I don't like this. It's all about me. Like you're not funny.

I haven't laughed once. or this is inappropriate or no, no, you can't say that. It's very like almost dictatory. Like, let me tell you what it's what, and I got to approve it all. Whereas men are like, you stink. Maybe it's a generationally thing, too. I think it is. I think it is.

But a man does have the all-time greatest heckle of all time. You're not funny, you're ugly, and I've had it. A three for, I've had it. That's amazing. 800 people. He's in the middle of the room. He stands up and says, you're not funny, you're ugly, and I've had it. Which is impossible to come back from.

You cannot come back from that. If you had a rifle and you shot him in the forehead, he's still... He wins. He wins. Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I'm going to piggyback. Please. Which is Rupert's podcast.

But, so I'm working on this TV show. Uh-huh. Or our internet show. This internet company, I did a... This chicken podcast. Did you see this? It went crazy viral with me and three Jewish guys. We ate chicken.

No, I don't know the chicken podcast. It's all my Instagram. It's got millions of views. These guys are old cooks. I made fun of them. It was fun. So this company comes up to me and goes, we had a blast working with you.

If you have any ideas, which they always do. And I just said, you know, I got a dumb idea. I threw it at them and they loved it. Oh, wow. Which is so funny because I've pitched 9,000 things that never have gone. This was like a throwaway. And they're like, we're doing that. Perfect.

It's one of these companies that are like, fuck meetings, fuck production. Give us the idea. We'll just go do it and put your name on it. And I was like, perfect. Which is how it should be. Yes. We've talked about for many years, comedians with podcasts now, too, but it's like every night, we write a bit, we go, this will work, it works, it's direct to audience, we know what gets a laugh, we know what will work. Yes.

Just get the comedian to go, this will be funny. Exactly. So this company, I'm not going to say their name, but they're really good, they're on it, they just want to make stuff and they want to get views and they want to pump it out. So I tell them the idea, and the idea is basically, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but basically it's kind of like a don't tell, but the audience changes, meaning like it's all nuns, one show. One show is all cops. One show is all clan members. One show is all fat chicks. One show is whatever. I think I heard about this. Okay. So they go, we love it. We'll do all the work. And I said, great. And I said, I'll do the show when you get everybody together. So we did two shows. We already shot it. one was all bald men so it's just a sea of scalp wow and it was fun it when you walk out and see all of one thing it's jarring you're like what the hell it looks like the future right the second show all gen z girls i'm talking blue hair nose ring tats uh wacky outfits a lot of rainbow shit big boots uh-huh and so of course i went up and it was a problem.

And at the end of the show, but that's what we wanted. It's painful because you're getting called a racist and all this shit, but this is good content. So at the end of the show, we do an interview, and we have a guy out there with a clipboard

going, would you hate, would you like, how'd you feel, would you dead, but do, and all these, you know, there's a couple normal girls who were like, I liked it. I thought it was funny, and then some girls like,

I thought the pedophile stuff was a little too far, but overall I had a good time. One girl stands up, I hope she never hears this. She's going to fucking sue me. She's got the short hair. She's got the outfit.

And she goes, I'm non-binary. Watching you ladies laugh at these horrible men makes me realize I'm less of a woman and more non-binary than you girly girls. The fact that you approve of this is appalling. I'm sick of men. I hate men. I'm not going to coddle men anymore. And the guy interviews a guy. So he's just like, you hate me?

Okay. whatever. But you got to use this. It's gold, but the whole crew is like, this is great. We're getting great stuff. This is fascinating. And I'm like, I'm getting sad.

I'm like, this poor woman's at a comedy show. We're having it trying to have a good time. And she's spinning it into this like moral injustice dilemma. And it bummed me out. And then all, here's the crazy part. All the other girls were having a good time. When this woman started talking, she flipped the whole room.

Now every girl in the room doesn't want to seem like problematic or a piece of shit so they all started agreeing with her. Oh, she said this in the room? This is at the interview. It's all together. They're all in the room together. So now the whole room is going,

oh, geez, maybe you're right. Oh, yeah, the men were horrible. Oh, I do you. She swayed. She swayed. And it was a microcosm of the whole culture. Like, oh, you're the biggest victim? Well, I don't want to seem like a bigot.

So I'll get on your team. It was fascinating. And it just made me sad to like, this is how easy it can happen. She's crazy. Right. It's a crazy person. By the way,

we don't want to be coddled, though. I'm not going to coddle men. We don't coddle us. And also, you're being coddled. The whole room's going, oh, I'm so sorry you felt that way. Don't know, sorry.

But, you know, so it was fucking fascinating. But I also was bummed because I was like, this is the state of the industry. But I imagine once it airs, most people, especially if they're fans of yours, will go, look at this.

fucking idiot. What an idiot this lady is. I hope. I hope. I think so. She was 100% sincere. She was full speed ahead. This is problematic. These people should be ruined. Men are a problem. And you're like, I hate the, I hate men thing because, A, you hate all men. You hate gay men. You hate trans men. You hate black men. Your father? You hate Chuck's uncle. Isn't that crazy? You hate Chuck's uncle. What a crazy concept. I can imagine hating Chuck's uncle. I guess I can see that. I can imagine he's great. That sounds like a thing. Like, if you don't shape up, you're going to be hanging out with Chuck's uncle.

It just sounds like an old-timey phrase. Chunkle. Chunkle. That's Rupert. That's what Rupert's nephew calls him. Oh, I love this one. I love it. I love it.

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But yeah, it was fascinating. It was saddening. And it was eye-opening. Wow. To say the least. Well, I'm excited to see it. I mean, that sounds wild. It's a cool show.

It's a cool premise. But, boy, it just, when I saw that room flip, because I'm sitting here watching her going, look at this fucking kook. And then the whole room's going, oh, yeah, good point, sister. We're behind you. Oh, my God. So sorry. You're feeling that way.

and I was like, oh, we're doomed. We're doomed as a country. Well, but now next episode, just chill to the next episode, you get old women. Women in their 60s. And they'll be like, I wanted to fuck that young boy. I'm horny. I don't have my period.

I fucked Chuck's uncle in the 80s, whatever. So it's just one little nugget of asshole. But I know what you mean. It's disheartening. It's disheartening. It's like seeing, like, this sounds bad, but you see, you know, they go, you see one roach. That means you got an infestation.

It's kind of like that. Like, this is going to be a bigger thing. Uh-huh. And, yeah, then the funny thing is, this is what I love about reality, is the girl goes, you made an ice joke. And I have immigrants in my family. And the guy goes, so do I. Right. I love that shit, because you're like, okay, so you get the, you get the last say, because you have an immigrant?

He's got an immigrant. Right. Why does that make you, you know, when they go, I have a weight problem and you made fat jokes. The guy's like, I'm fat a shit. So I can't make fat jokes because you're, do you see what I'm getting at? Also, you should be upset with the guy with the mask that's rounding up the people. Yeah, but in her mind, she's like, joking about it is horrible because it's a horrible thing. Right.

But some people deal with things with a joke. Right. Also, doesn't America, by the nature of America, we all have immigrant family other than the Native Americans, but they don't go to comedy shows. They run casinos. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, like, that's a weird.

argument. Like, white man, you're an immigrant. You're the real immigrant. Like, well, then be nice to me. I'm an immigrant. But you love immigrants. Yeah, that's a good point. I have a point. Lots of points. Points. All right. So, sorry, I got too real there. When does this program come out? Probably, I think it's being edited right now. Wow. We're going to do a big rollout. But a rollout. But then the funny thing is the bald guys with a second show, which is a bunch of middle age dudes. Best crowd of all time. I'm sure. Incredible. You should get bald women.

Oh. Or cancer patients. That's a little dark. Well, no, they're grateful to be alive. So they survived. They need a laugh. Yeah, or they're about to die. That's scary.

I'll die on stage. But either way, yeah, it was quite an experiment, but I remember I was talking to the comment. How crazy was that? And they're like, eh, what are you going to know? Ian Lara's like, get over. What is that shit? And I go, why am I so affected? Why does that shit affect me so much?

I was ruined the rest of the night. I was like thinking about it in bed. It was ruminating. Well, I think you probably, you know, you're more triggered by it. And you're more vulnerable to this than Ian is. You could get canceled or whatever. But, you know. Well, to me, it just was a thing that never existed.

And now it's like this big fringe group. But I think it did exist. It's just social media. They didn't have a voice. You hear all the things of like whatever. George Carlin did whatever. And the phones were lighting up. The switchboard was all broken.

That's true. I mean, look at John Lennon, said, well, more popular than Jesus. Yeah, good point. He got murdered for it. A guy shot him and was like, I didn't care for that. And then they steamrolled over all the records.

They lit them all in fire. So it's been going on. It's just more frustrating and gay now. It's very gay, and it's pointed. It's pointed at comedy in a lot of ways. Right. But yeah, it's not great. But I think it's better than it was five years ago.

That's true. That's true. It is improving. So we got that going for us. Yeah. Better is better than worse. But then it's weird. People get mad if you bring it up.

You know, you go, oh, what is this weird thing that's going on? People go, shut up, get out of here. And I'm like, well, don't gaslight me. Right. It's the thing that wasn't really there. And now it's there. And like the Joker. What's that guy's name?

Joaquin Phoenix? No, the writer. Right. Phillips. Todd Phillips. The director. He said, they go, hangover, road trip

old school these are like banger after banger of comedy why don't you make another one he's like bad time

climate no good and then people got mad at him for that he's like why are you mad at me about being nervous

about the climate right but that's what I'm talking about like why are they yelling at him that's how he feels yeah well these are the times we're living in

it's a big bag of wet farts but we have skankfest that's what we love about skank fest we're fucking tasing people

and uh Spank fights. Lewis is boxing a lady's tits. Yes. So there's... Here, here. There's still sanctuaries.

Is that what it's called? I'll say, safe space, ironically. Safe space. Yeah. That's our safe space. Exactly. Weird, huh? That's what, like, Legion of Skanks is. We can go and say whatever in podcasts.

Yeah. We just do comedy. All right, sorry. I got a little... No, no, it's fun. A little too passionate there. That's what we're here for. All right, well, I got...

I'll light it up with some stuff. Please. Okay. So, I just want to say... I did a gig, San Diego. One of the great cities. Love it. Friday, San Diego, and then I took the surf liner.

What's that? That's the train, the Amtrak, that goes from San Diego to L.A. It goes along the Pacific Ocean. It's a three-hour train ride. I'm just watching surfing. Wow. It's beautiful. Just right along the coast.

That sounds. I got to get out there. I got to get back to L.A. Peyton Ruddy was just in L.A. It makes me think about it. You're in L.A. I just love L.A. Beautiful.

I love LA too And all you see on the news is just fires And homeless and traffic And the other guy And it was just perfect I'm staying at the Andaz on sunset Right by the store What's that place?

Ziggy Love the Ziggy Right by the Zigger A Fahim opening I mean They hook you up Because we sold out the main room So they just like

Sandwiches in there There's Bodega Cat in there I mean it's just magical And you see everybody at the store Hey there's Jet Ski John and Laura Peake and Jessica and Michelle Singleton and all these people. So it's just a love fest. I love it.

I remember how fun that live one we did was? That was great. We're doing another one, hopefully. I think so. So, yeah, I just had a great time. I love L.A. I just love that main room. You feel like Pryor up there.

You're killing. You're like whipping the mic court around and Fahim murdered. Yeah, he's my favorite. I watched the at Skagfest twice. He's just so funny and so silly. I saw the Jets joke. It's out of this world. It's amazing.

It's lunch. It's killer. Yeah. So good. I mean, he's got the writing down, but he's also got these movements. He's almost like a Sebastian with better writing. Right. It's incredible.

He should be, he's funnier than like, you know, famous people. I know. Well, it doesn't always translate here. Yeah. It seems like funny is not always the most important thing to the industry. Isn't that cookie? And he's brown. He's brown.

and I think he'll get his. I think he makes a nice living. I think comedians love him. I think he's got a nice cult following. And I think someday he may just explode and be huge. Yeah. But it happens that way. It's often that way.

That's true. People go, that guy was just like hooting the blowfish. We're like, oh, this is hilarious. We want best new artists. We've been playing for 20 years or whatever it is. Oh, interesting. So I think that happens. It goes both ways.

Sometimes you have Eddie Murphy who's huge at 19. Sometimes you have Rodney Dangerfield blows up when he's 50. 58, yeah. So, you know. By the way, cult following, we never say that about cult leaders. You know what I mean? You know the guy with the Kool-Aid? What's his name?

Jim Jones. We never got out of Jim Jones at a real cult following. He literally had a cult following. I think they translated to he's a cult leader. So once you say cult leader, it's implied. I can't just be like, but for him, he's a real cult leader. No, he's not a cult leader. But he has a cult following.

But if it got bigger and bigger, it'd be a cult leader. I don't know about that. Cult leader has a couple more layers to it than just being a big comic. But I think once you say cult leader, the cult following is implied. I guess so, yeah. Because like, what's his toe? Who's the asshole from Seattle that was hot and kind of gay, I think, and he killed everybody? You know, the most famous guy.

Kirk Cobain. People thought he was hot. Oh, Ted Bundy. He wasn't, he didn't have a cult. following because he wasn't a cult leader. A little following. Did he have a... Well, girls would show up.

But he didn't have people following him. No. That's our guy. Right, right. There's a copycat. Uh-huh. But there's not a... He didn't have a cult following.

Right. But they'll say that about a director, like John Waters is a real cult following. But you don't hear that about a cult leader. I guess it's implied. I think it's implied. I guess you're right. Because once you have the cult, you're a cult leader. You have a cult following.

Cult 45. So you don't have to say, let's try to think of another example here. We're like, once you have the thing, you don't need to say the thing. We sound like Cosby. Once you have the thing, you can't have a thing. You don't have a goat. A goat is a motherfucker. I don't know what I'm talking about.

I listen to him. I watch himself again, just for the hell of it. God, it's impressive. Yeah, he's amazing. Bill Cosby 49 is my favorite special of all time. It's just amazing. It's amazing. Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, did the store, incredible. and got the upgrade back, which is, how about this? I got the upgrade. By the way, they have first class in Delta, premium select. Oh, for the cross-country flights. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Then Comptor, Delta Come, then Maine.

Yes. So I'm in Come, and it's sticky. I love Come. Yeah, and I'm in there, and I'm going, what do I'm on? I'm six on the list to get the premium select. So I go, that's not going to happen. I'm six on the lineup. So they go, how about this?

One guy doesn't show up. So now I'm fifth. So I'm checking it twice, like Epstein, the list. And then I go, oh, I wonder what I'm at now. And I watch this guy go up to a couple, two Asian people. And he goes, would you guys together want to go up to Pre-Mis-Like? We have a seat or two. And you guys are together and you're one and two or whatever on the list.

And they go, we're good here. So now it's three. They shave three. Okay. Not to mention, by the way, the premium selects are also getting upgraded to first. So every time someone goes from premium select to first, that opens a premium select. Good point. Yeah, because first, I was like 38th on the list, and that had a few openings.

Right. So then they ask another couple. Do you guys want to move up? And they go, ah, they had their feet up, their dick out, they're drinking coffee. They're like, I'm good, I'm good. Fuck it. So you're already sitting. I'm already sitting.

I'm watching him go to them. And I got the, do you want to go up? And the guy was, like, defeated at that point. Like, do you want to go up? And I go, do I? And I tumbled all the way up there. All right. It was a great feeling.

No, premium select. Is that the laydown? Or is that just like a first class, regular first class? It's a regular first class with a nice recline. Your leg, you get the kick flip thing. I think I had that recently. Yeah, which is all I need. I don't need a pod.

Who am I? The pod father? Well, it's one of those things, though. You always, the grass always greener. The ass is always. stinkier, the cum is always gorier. Because once you're in the thing, you're like, this is amazing.

And then halfway through, I'm like, that pod looks pretty good though. Well, sure. Everybody loves a pod. Because you can sleep. Not everyone loves this one, but you can lay down and sleep. Because I had that one time going to Europe. Louis bought the flight. And it was the pod and I had zero, oh, it wasn't even Louis. It was when we did the TV show that we loved.

Oh, London. Yes. And I slept the whole fly. I had zero jetline. It was unbelievable. That's incredible. It's also those pre-children days. We could just sleep and then wake up and live your life.

Boy, that was a great show. Abortion. That's got to be coming back, right? That show stunk. That was awesome. I hated every minute of it. A lot of work. I've never done that much work

in my entire life. No, that was crazy. And I went to college. A good time, though. But yeah, got the, now here's the clinker. Clink me. I get to my seat.

I'm in the middle, but on the premium select, the middle's not terrible. You still got your wings out. I look to my right or left. There's a guy reading a book, perfect, quiet, stately. He's got the light on, which I don't care for, but I can live. Look to my right, it's a young cat with the phone open, watching bad friends.

And I go, oh. How about that? This is not good. Why no good? Because if he's in that world and I sit down and he goes, Oh, boy. Now we got a five and a half a journey on our hands here. That's tough.

That is tough. So now I went from like, Woo, baby, freedom select, moving on up to the east side. Big Castle in the Sky to... Right. And to this guy's credit, he didn't mention it once. Okay. The only thing I'll say...

Nothing. But the only thing I'll say is everything I did, he clocked it. Because I think if you're sitting next to a guy, you know, you're like, what do he orders? I wonder what he drinks. This is the tricky thing, because now everything you watch, He's wondering about every time you change the channel, every time you scratch your asshole. That's the hard thing.

And I was just talking about this with Matt Wayne in D.C. And I did as a bit. I think it might be a funny bit. Wayne's world. You know, we're at a level of success. And you can't recognize a lot more than I do. But, like, you don't know who knows you and who doesn't. And Sam Harris has talked about this, too.

Like Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks and Madonna, they live their life. Everyone knows who I am. So I got to be on my best behavior. because every single person knows who I am when I'm in here. But at our level, it's a smaller percentage. So the other day, I'm talking to Matt at breakfast. I'm like, look at this mother. She's got huge fat tits.

I didn't like my asshole properly. It's all itchy. I'd like to fuck this lady. I'd like to fuck that guy. And then at the very end of breakfast, there's a woman right here. And she's like, by the way, I'm a big fan. And there's no chance that she wasn't listening to it. If you sit down and you're a fan of somebody and they're right next to you,

of course, you're going to listen to everything they say. And I'm literally talking about this mom's tits and that father's asshole and who I'd like to bang for 45 minutes. Yeah, and you're a paranoid guy. You've always been like, hey, I think that guy's listening. So I can't believe you didn't catch her. Well, I was whispering, I was talking quietly, but also she was like a lady and a hoodie and most of our fans are men except for like three. But she was fat. That's, you know, I should have clocked that.

Yeah, that's more our speed. But, yeah, and then, you know, I am still whispering, but she's right there. And then you're like, oh, Jesus Christ, she's going to email my father and tell him he's gay. I know. And every decision I made, it was based on this guy. Right. You know, like, so I'm picking a movie, and he's going, I know what movie's going to pick. And I go, I put on Naked Gun because I knew he would go, oh, that tracks.

Right. Well, I don't want to watch Naked Gun. I had this story before when I was on the flight from Paris to Montreal, Oh, Wanda Sykes was my sitting partner. And I had to watch Amistad and MLK and Milk and Selma. Because I'm like, and I'm watching it like this. Hmm, this is crazy. That's hilarious.

That's a bit. You wanted to think you're a good guy. I tried to do this a bit a long time ago about how I was watching a Nazi doc on Delta Flight. And I had to watch it like, moo! I had to keep me like, oh, damn it. Yeah, yeah. Because you know what I lost. Fuck.

You're laughing as a child's going in an oven or whatever. Sure, sure. Extra crispy. But, yeah, no. So I watched naked gun. I watched the whole thing. Just so that guy can go, well, that makes sense. He's a comedian.

He's watching the comedy movie. I wanted to watch a crying game or whatever. Right. I watched Naked Gun. And then I fell asleep. I took 10 sleep tablets or maybe nine. I was just popping him like, I can't because I'm like, I'm getting some sleep on this five-hour flight.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck your mother. So I'm just popping these. What do you call those? Sleep easies. That's what I called. I stole them from the Hudson News. Slippery fingers. Got them in. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Do you want to move seats? You better believe it. So I went out pretty quick, like a horse. And I woke up twice to my own snoring. Oh, that thing. Twice. So this guy's got that on the books. Oh, that's horrible. Plus you probably leaned on his shoulder and stuff. Probably drooled on his ear, yeah.

But I did the... Yeah, that's the worst. I had that recently, and Marty was, like, sitting next to me, and I was like, and then he was like this. And I couldn't tell how long he'd been staring at me, but it felt like he was probably like, this guy's a piece of shit. Look at my fucking idiot, middle-aged dad, he sucks. Well, my dad, he snores like a grizzly, but as a kid, it comforted me because I was like,

oh, my big, scary dad is in the front room, you know, sleeping. So I felt like, you could walk around the house, you just hear like, and it was like, oh, my dad's home. Oh, so you knew. You mean it was comforting because you knew he was there? You knew he was there. We lived in a bad neighborhood. If something went down, he might wake up.

I don't know. It just felt like, it felt so familiar to walk around my home in the dark and my dad just hock and a loogie. Be careful because he's upstairs. He's got bad hearing. They can hear us. We could say all kinds of things. Oh, okay.

The wife, she's definitely. I know it's scary. She's working right up there. I know. But we're good. Okay. The dad, though, he's... We could be a player in NWA, you wouldn't know.

Out there. Yeah. I feel bad for the nanny. She's like, hello, how are you? And he's like... Well, that's my dad, and he can hear. I literally... At Skangfest, Sarah was just hanging out with my parents all day because I was at the festival,

and she was like, she was dying. Yes, what is that? She was like, this is horrible. Like, if I said the same thing, she's like, I'll literally say words and they both just look at her. like this. Yeah, my parents do that too, actually. It's tough. I don't know.

I can't imagine at some point my child is going to be like, yeah, I did a show. It was amazing. And I'm going to be like this. It's fucking nuts. I know, I know. We were watching a movie. I made a great point. I felt like I was like, this is going to get them.

And they just nothing. And then they were kind of like, you're going to push play? I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, it was tough. And May looked at me and she was dying laughing. So that we have that at least. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's fun.

That's the fun thing. about family. Sarah and I call it podcast. At the end of the night, you just do like an hour long podcast. Yes, we do that too. That was crazy. This is gay. You believe he does this. Yeah, yeah. Well, my parents, I looked it up. Two things. What you get with the no responding is it fucks with a kid. It messes with your brain because you don't know. They do it to a kid where the kid will say something and they have an adult as an experiment, just go. And the kid starts crying. Yeah. Because he's like, you're not listening. Are you here? What's going? Am I? Do I exist? you know, so they do it with babies, and that was us growing up.

Yeah, destroyed my life. Completely. But then my parents do it the other thing, where they go to the other extreme where they interrogate. And I've looked this up, too, and this is also bad for a kid, where they go, how was your day? And you go, good, what'd you like about it? I got an A on the test. What test? Math test.

You like math? Yeah, and you start going, I don't know, let me the fuck alone. And you start panicking because you're like, is this the right answer? You're being grilled. And it also makes you crazy. And I had that, that was the other side of it. Grill cheese. Yeah.

Yeah. I got no grill. Very little grill. Interrogation to a child. It's no good. You're supposed to go, hey, that's a cool car. Yeah, that is a cool car. Now we're off on the car.

But it's not like, is this the right answer? My dad will go like, who designed that building? I'm like, I don't fucking know. But you feel like a bad guy going, I don't know. So you're like, I don't know. Maybe a Bogart. You know, you just start throwing shit out. And now I'm lying.

And that's how that whole thing started. I don't get the origin. Sorry, I'm talking too much. No, no. I had a big coffee. Now, how about that, speaking of lies and eavesdropping? I forgot to tell this one last week, I think. We're in New Orleans.

The first day we arrived, it was me, Sarah, Marty, Patrick Holbert, my camera guy, and I'm producer. And Torrance, my producer. We all show up. We go to a diner in New Orleans. Do we talk about this? Which diner? I think I told you.

It was by the airport. I can't remember. Airport place. Just did a quick Google search. It had butter. This feels so Louisiana to me. Butter in like a ketchup squeeze. Oh, hell yeah.

But it was just like a yellow fluid. It was like old cum that had been liquefied. The big butt. We call that the Rupert. And it was like, is this? I was like, what is this? Like, that's butter. Yeah.

And I was like it is out of a squeeze tube. We love butter. It was nasty, but cool. But anyway, so we're sitting there as a group. And I feel. Forget why I brought, I think Jack Johnson was on. Oh, no, we had ordered pancakes. So I started singing banana pancakes.

Yeah. I'd make you banana pancakes. And then, oh, and then someone was like, oh, Jack Johnson. And I was like, oh, my cousin, my nephew met Jack Johnson. He went to his house because his, what doesn't matter, his nephew, whatever, blah, blah, blah. I started talking about Jack Johnson. There's a weird old lady on a laptop over here. And it was that feeling of like when someone's definitely eavesdropping.

She's like doing this and kept making face. Of course, we're comics hanging out, so we're trashing everybody. She's going to like, is this lady somebody's aunt or sister? And she's got a laptop. She can make a record. Right. So we finish. We're leaving. She hands a handwritten letter to Torrance by producer. Oh, my God. And so I'm like, what is this letter?

And the letter is like, dear friends, couldn't help overhearing. I need to put an end to these lies. Jack Johnson is not from Hawaii. Jack Johnson was born in Louisiana and did this, this, and the other thing. His sister is this, his father is this. And I'm reading the... Torrance is reading the thing.

I'm like, what does she have a mind? What the fuck is she talking about? This is bananas. And she's like, I'm teared of the lies. She has, like, spelling mistakes. But you just need to know these things. And we realize it from context. She's talking about Jack Johnson, the box.

Oh, wow. What a lunatic. She's listening to our conversation, taking notes and writing a letter, but is also just talking about... Literally, she thought we talked about the 1930s fighter. And I was like, make you banana pancake. Oh yeah, my nephew hung out with him.

He's from Hawaii. Wow. She was like, he's not from Hawaii. Wow. But I'm like, it's so obvious we're talking about a different Jack Johnson, you fucking coo. It's also a pretty common name. That could be 9,000 Jack Johnson's.

Yeah, isn't there another comic? Oh, that's Jack White. Anyways, it doesn't matter. It's Josh Johnson. Oh, yeah. Anyways, she's a lunatic. That's crazy. It never came out.

Ashley Gavin, Josh Johnson and me. Oh, yeah. Where's that? I don't know. Is that three years ago? I thought it was big, but maybe I was horrible. And it gets you some points of black and a les and you? Yeah, maybe I was too on the nose with it. I don't know.

Maybe. Maybe it's something. Yeah, problematic. Keep calling him black and lesz. So, Black Lesner. All right, we got to wrap this up. Wow. That was fun.

This is wild. We learned a lot. We got dumber and smarter at the same time. Yeah, sorry. I emoted, and I don't know Jack Johnson was from Louisiana, the fighter. It might not have been Louisiana. I mean, she might be also just completely insane.

Where is he from? I pictured that with crayon that she was writing that. It was crazy. Oh, maybe. Taking a call. Oh, baby. Oh, I'll leave that later. Anyways, I got a bunch of stuff in January, February, March.

I'm scared. Someone's outside. When's this come out? Who knows? December 8th. Oh, great. All right. I'll be in Kansas City.

And then I'm opening for Gillis on a bunch of gigs, the cult following. And going to Spokane. Ah, shit. Let me look. I got Atlantic City, January 31st. I'm in Las Vegas, January 15 through 17 at Wise Guys. And whatever I just said, Atlantic City, January 31st. And then Poughkeepsie in March.

A bunch of dates coming up. They're all on punchup live.com. Go over there. Subscribe to my email list, please, for the love of God. And I got a ton of shit on my YouTube. Crazy videos all the time. I got the Irvine video. I got a crazy Stress Factory video coming out,

which was a two-camera shoot that Dominic did. Hey, Big Dom. And it's just been, I got tons and tons of stuff up there. Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian, of course. And get on the get on all this stuff, please. Yeah, you got a ton of YouTube. It's crazy. Oh, thank you.

King of content. Des Moines. Coming to Des Moines, Funny Bone. Really going to work it out. Brea Improv coming back to L.A. Irvine. Or what do you call that? Orange County. Stress Factory in New Brunswick, Jersey.

Hello. San Antonio. And hottest fat women in America. Bricktown Comedy Club in Tulsa. Never been to Tulsa. And Desert Diamond Casino and Swaharita, Arizona. and then Indianapolis, Indiana. What do you got, Choo, Choo, Chew Train?

Check out my podcast, Fun Barable. This week we just put up Brad's live interview. Uh-oh. His panel with Chevy Chase, Randy Quaid, Beverly DeAngelo. Whoa. It's a big Christmas invitation. Oh, oh, I sure.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so that's on the Funbearablepod.com. It's a big live panel about Christmas vacation, obviously. How are you guys getting these panels? This is crazy. I find you so uninterested. enjoyable to be around and you're getting these big... Yeah.

That really hurts. I was only kidding. I told you. I loved you on the movie. You were the best cameraman we had. Just kidding, Lex and Patrick and the other three. The other guy. He was better than you, sell.

Because we did the podcast for a long time and then I started working professionally in journalism. What? You're a journalist? Yeah. I worked for three years as a food journalist in Providence. Did you know that? Ah.

He's a food journalist. In Providence? Yeah. She would interview his mom? That was Rupert. No, I... A journal Joe list. I did it because I thought it would be good for, like, writing in my resume and stuff like that.

That was fun. I had no idea. Do you have a girlfriend? Yes, I do. What? You were gay. Have you heard of Tell him Steve, Mike? And so, yeah, they, we started reaching out to do panels, and we've done a ton.

I had to do the one-on-one with Christina Ricci, and I almost just my pants. What the hell? Is that out? Yeah, it's out. Oh, my Lord. I did an hour with just me and her on stage and for, like, 400 people. I'm going to rub one out by covering half the screen. It was scary.

Covering her. I seriously was like tense about that. You know what I mean? Sure. It's a weird person. It's a weird person. Yeah, we've done a ton of that stuff. We've done multiple cast members of the office, too, like four.

That's crazy. Yeah. By the way, I turned on Greg Daniels' new show last night. Alan Havy's just right in there. Oh, he's big. Good actor. The paper. Yeah.

But yeah, check that out. We just reposted an episode with Mark from a while ago that we never posted on our YouTube. Oh, yeah. I heard about that. It's doing very well. So check out that episode two, funbearablepod.com. Okay. Yeah, yep.

Thank you, folks. Get on the Patreon. It's cooking. And we got some things in the works. Big stuff happening. Stay tuned, telefriend. And check out that live one. Even if you hate the live ones, you cannot beat this up.

It is lights out lunch, banger. Insane. Joe de Rosa, Lewis Gomez, Brad Williams, Greg Fitzsimmons, on mushrooms. Hell yeah. Merry Christmas. We'll talk to you. Great.