Tuesdays with Stories! - 636 Ken Chucky

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Mark's back from a couple weeks with the Gill-man, Shane Gillis! Then the boys spend some time worshipping Anne Hathaway for her cinematic choices. Joe gets offered an illicit drug and is almost forced into a foursome! Then deals with the big old Norovirus! It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories Find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions with Rocket Money athttps://www.rocketmoney.com/TUESDAYS Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays Treat yourself to gear that looks great, feels great, & doesn't break the bank. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at  https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. It's freezing out. It's New York City. We're in the winter. We got a 17 inches of snow out there. Groundhog Day. About two inches. Two inches.

Nothing. A dusting. Beautiful dust, by the way. Love a dust. What a dust. One of the best dust I ever saw. We bought the Christmas tree. We set it up.

We decorated. Then it dusted. Tom Dustin. It was fantastic. Dusty bottoms. How about, you know, I had a little get-together to yesterday. yesterday. Didn't, uh, didn't, didn't see you.

And, uh, make it back to New York till 10.30. We'll talk about that. Woo. Delayed. Ian Laura. He goes, I'm coming. I'll be down there. I go, don't worry. Karen's bringing her fat, sweet ass. You know, you like her. She likes you. And he goes, I'll be there, buddy boy. And I go, great. And then we were laughing because I told the door guy. I go, hey, no reason to call up. Just, it's a party. So let everyone up. Love that. I hate to call up. But then I was like, I feel like when Ian shows up, he'll be calling. They'll go, hey, we got a you know what down here.

I just have never seen one. He's a Brown University. Yes, ma'am. They shoot. So I go, where are you? What the fuck? You said you were coming. He goes, I got snowed in.

Snowed in. It's like, it's less than an inch of snow. What is he? James Conn? Is it misery? Oh, he's miserable, all right, because he missed out the party. And I had all these N-words I wanted to say. You know, if you have a black buddy, you can just go, hey, how about these N-words?

but he never showed, so I had to be less funny. Damn, well, how was the party? I would love to go, and I was in Portland. I got stuck. We had to, what do you call that, reroute? Rerout. Rerout to Albany. What?

They're like, it's too much snow, we're freaking out, everybody's panicking, everybody's heads on fire, we're going to Albany. So we had to just fly to Albany. Oh, I'm eating over here. Albany. I know. Of all places, the capital, Jerry. Of Albany places, isn't it?

Albany is snowier than Manhattan? A little, but they cleaned it up. Oh, wow. Yeah. So what did you do? Take a train home? No, I did. We sat in Albany, and then he goes, it'll be probably like an hour.

And I go, all right, maybe I can run a car, but that'll take three hours. Yeah. Ended up staying there for six. That's horrible. It was horrible. Damn. Landed at three. He didn't get home to about 10.30.

Well, no, I was fine. You didn't miss anything great. It was a good hang, Donnelly. It was a lot of chicks over there. We had Karen, Katie Hanigan. Who was the other one? Dick Jagger. Dayton Bissett was there.

He's a girl. Yeah, he's girly. He just played with Marty the whole time. They're like the same age. Marty and Dayton were having a good time playing with trucks. Oh, great. Oh, Ronan came. Shibone and I saw the baby.

I got to meet the baby. Oh, how's the baby? She's laying a little peanut. Oh, I love a peanut. June. Yeah, I don't care for it either. June's aren't popular right now. Sandy and Chavone and June, they were great.

Who the hell else was there? I can't remember. It was a small get-together. Who would name someone after a month? Amay. There we go. Well, different spelling. That's true.

Yeah. There's only like four months that are names that are all sequential. April, May, June. April, May, June, yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah, why no August? That's a cool name. August is a cool name.

Yeah. It's my daughter, October. It's the last name. Vince August. I think this is the first name, August. I'll look it up. August Jones. Yeah, all right.

But yeah, it's weird that they're sequential. Yeah. And how come days of the week are never... What's the deal? What days of the week? Not being names. This Tuesday. And Wednesday Adams.

Wednesday Adams. But Tuesdays... She won an Oscar. Tuesday something. You're thinking of Marissa Tomei. No, no. Or is a Tuesday? Oh, no.

If they're not rolling in the aisles, is that Marissa Tuesday. I mean, I don't know what to do for you, folks. Yeah, uh, luscious lips, full head of hair. What's the, there's a Tuesday, Peyton. Tuesday, Payton. Tuesday, something. With stories, there's a Tuesday actor.

Tuesday actor. This is a lot to Google. Old broad. How much better is Jamie than Chuck, Joe Rogan's Jamie? Jamo's on it. He just got it. He's quick. There's a bunch of Augustus that are famous.

I'm choosing Augustus, Augustus season. Oh, Augustine. That's different than August. It's not Junis. There's Juneau. I think it might have turned into it. Oh, whatever. Too Junis.

Tuesday as a first name. Tuesday, yeah. As an actress lady. Tuesday held, weld? Tuesday Weld. Tuesday Weld. What, Tuesday weld. Wow.

Who is this day? Who the hell is that, bro? That was deep in the back of my aim. Yeah. What's this lady do? What she is? Give me some Tuesday. Give me some typical.

She won a Golden Globe for her most promising female newcomer in 1960. Oh, I thought you meant like some new hot chick. No, he's old. Oh, an old bag. Good name for a pedophile, newcomer. That's not bad. It's up there.

Play it as it lays is a movie. Oh, I don't know. From all the old shit, I don't care about this. It's black and white horror. Also, what a funny category. That doesn't exist anymore. Best newcomer. Once Upon a Time in America.

Oh, okay. Well, I've seen her then. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, there you go, folks. Tuesday is the name. April, May, June, April O'Neill.

Oh, yes, yes. My favorite April. What was she? That was teenage? Teenage Mutage Turtle. Yeah. Yes, of course. It's got to be another April. April.

April, come, she will. April. April Adams. Isn't that somebody? April Adams? Did I make that up? Ansel Adams. Oh, yeah, and Amy Adams.

There you go. Adams family. Wednesday. All right. Let's get cooked. All right. Sorry. Let's cook.

Let's put the kids in the oven and start cooking. All right, Holocaust. Yeah, wow. I've been everywhere. I haven't seen you in six weeks. Yeah, you look like hell. I woke up early. I had to take care of the baby.

The baby had a big old. I walk in the crib. Snod everywhere. And then I flip his ass over. Huge log. Oh, a log is good. Yeah, well, the problem is the Lincoln log. The log was in his ass.

all night and it got smushed. So it was a pancake. A little pancake and a little rashy maybe. A little rashy. It sits in there. Yeah. It's weird that shit gives you a rash. Yeah. Like quickly. You got four hours of shit rubbing and all of a sudden you just got a big purple anus. Well, there's a lot of evil in there. It's poison, Jerry. That's why the body expels it. That's a good point. It's a big brown bag of evil. And then it's funny too because they're like, they don't want to be changed. I feel like if I shit my pants and you were like,

Let me clean you up. I'd be like, oh, my God, thank you. What a friend. Appreciate it. I would never be like, get away from me. That's true. I want to go out of the slide with shit in my pants. That could be a bit.

Maybe that's a bit. That's funny. Is that a bit? Well, it's the same with, I think you got something there. It's the same with trying to bang your lady. And she's like, I don't know. And you're like, you got a jizz. I'll make a jizz.

Why wouldn't you want a jizz? Same with the baby. I'll make you come. Well, I've been doing this, judge started doing this joke about my wife. I go, hey, let me go down on you. She's like, I'm too tired. Too tired. I'm too tired to get eaten out?

To receive oral. You can literally sleep. You don't want that either, but yeah. I don't care. It's all for me. I don't care about her. I want to eat pussy. Wow.

And I'm not allowed to eat anyone else's pussy. She just told me. She should have told me earlier. That's true. But she's like, I'm too tired to get my pussy eaten. And can you imagine the situation? Like, you just flew from Portland or Portugal and Albany. Sure.

And Chuck was like, let me blow you right now. I feel like you'd jump on it. Of course. That's why I hired you. But yeah, that's crazy. You heard it there. He hired him. Yes. What does that mean?

Well, I get a lot of flag for bringing you in. I have to tell him, I don't even like this guy. He's cheaper. He won't leave. More expensive than Jamie. But yeah. Probably. Wow, too tired to be eating out.

How about that? Yeah, that's crazy, talk. Damn. I mean, I could be, you could do sleep deprivations, military secrets, playing Metallica. whatever, zero dark 30. SOS. And then someone said, hey, let me suck you off. I'd be like, that would be dynamite.

I could get sucked off while running. Like, I can be doing anything. You can suck me off. Like cooking, running in the courtroom, whatever. You cook. Nah, I'll make an egg. Yeah, I made spaghetti in Aruba. What?

That's a weird sentence. Yeah, I suppose so. What the hell are you making Spagudo for? We were hungry But you had to go to the grocery And get a pot In a pan and a hotel? Well, you don't buy the pot

I mean, we were at a It moved It's in a fucking It moved What do you call it? What do you call it? Extend to stay? Oh, a condo.

A resort. I see. Excondo. And we were hungry, we had diseases I'll get into that in the second. I got so much to talk about You got so much to talk about I got nothing.

What are you talking about? You've been out gallivanting with a big celebrity That's true. I got the Jerry. I talked about that. And then I've been gone. I did two weeks with Gil. And that was wild. It was bigger than Jerry, which is weird. Isn't that something? It's something. All right. Something. Just out to lunch with this guy. It's like the Beatles. He can't get a bite without a photo. That's wild. Wild. And they see him driving. It's one of the things where they...

He drives? Well, we were in the back of like the black SUV. And we pass by and he goes, where we're staying? Becky, the four seasons? She goes, no, no, no. And we drive by the four seasons. There's 700 guys out there with posters of Shane's fat face waiting for a sig. And then he goes, oh, thank God. And we went to some other hotel. And they ran and chased the car. I never understand, because I did the whole Louis tour. I never understand how these people know where they are. I think they assume. They go, oh, it's Portland. Everybody's going to stay at the seasons. Yeah, that makes sense. It's only one of a few hotels. Maybe they get some insider trading.

whatever. Yeah, yeah, and they check the flights. They go, okay, he lives in Austin. It's like watching the ponies. You know, like, okay, I bet he comes in on that one. That one will get you into Portland this time. He'll check it at that time. That's fascinating. So, give me, give me some typical. Take me through. Give me a little. Pretty wild. How about this?

We did, uh, last week we did Tucson Phoenix. This weekend we did Boise, Portland. Wow. Yeah, Boise. Cute town, underrated, a lot of nature, a lot of whites. Never been to Idaho. One of four states I haven't been to

Or six states. You're half Irish. You can get a potato. Potato. Famine. So we did Boise and then Shane goes, any chance we get on that blue turf? Oh, I like that blue turf.

What do you know about the Smurf turf? I know a little bit of the blue turf. I had no idea. I didn't know either. So we go out there. We throw the baller. They turn the lights on. It was like a make-a-wish.

We do the gig. It's amazing. Great crowd. And you go out into the football stadium. and just they pop the lights on. We got bud lights on the ground. We're throwing a ball. Is that what the show was at the stadium?

Yeah. Wow. Crazy. That's unbelievable. The show's in the basketball, I guess. And then we went out to the football. And look at that. What?

Can you see the purple? Purple? Oh, there. Yeah, yeah. What happened? I went for a Hail Mary, and it just did the... Oh, on top of the finger. Yeah, and it's smushed.

It happened to be the wedding ring finger, and now it's like... What do you call that? Losing Circulation. Oh, you should take that off. I can't. It's too fat. Oh, they might have to cut it off like a fucking jaws of life. Yeah, yeah. God damn. That happens to a lot of gay men.

Yeah, it just happened to be that finger. Brutal. Damn. That's my anal finger. So, yeah, that was a wild time. Then you go out drinking, and we're like, we're talking to this one kid at the show. And we go, what do you got for low-key, dive bar? Nobody will be in there except for, like, a toothless.

biker and they go, I got it. We go to this one bar, this one little Mexican guy drinking a four loco at the bar. He goes, El Giliso! And then he texts the whole world, the whole college shows up. Wow. It was crazy. Damn. I called ice on him. The whole thing was ruined.

But yeah, the horrors. My God, the horrors, Jerry. Now, what goes on with Gil? How does he do he do in new? Does he try new? Does he work new? How the fuck do you do that in an arena? He's working out new in an arena. He's throwing extra lines in, where we're working tags in the back. He's workshopping in front of 20 grand. That's the craziest part of all this is the idea of being like, hey, is this anything? I know. He's 48,000 people there. It's insane. I mean, he doesn't do the, hey, is this anything? He just slides it in, but it's like you said. If you got a hot crowd,

you should do new. Absolutely. And they're there for him. They're foaming at the mouth. They love them. It's just crazy to think about pulling a note card out and be like, oh, here, check this out. Anything here? Right, right. The other day, I'm on a, what do you call it, a tricycle, and there's 60,000 people chant your name. And they love it. Wow.

He pulls it out, and it's a hot hour. He's killing. It's fun to watch. I bet. So that's that. Then you go to a bar, and then you wake up at noon, you get on a PJ, and then you go to the next one. Now, who else was there? Was it Le Maire and O'Connor and Pope?

The Marathon. Now, the first weekend was Nate Marshall. Okay. Cute Black. And Matt McCusk. Love McCusk. What a great guy. Great guy.

Great hang. Good hang. He's in the chat with. Yes. So then second weekend was Kevin Isso. Yeah. And. Also, I just thought that would be funny.

And James McCann. The Australian. Yeah, yeah. He's a hell of a guy, too. He saved the day when I was in Nashville. The MC was sick or dead, and they brought McCann in. He didn't save the day in Bondi. I'll tell you that.

He's going back to Australia. Perfect timing. Right back to Sydney. Ish. Sidney. She's hot. Oh, yeah. I might see that new film with her and the lady that looks like her.

The fighting? Oh. Oh. The house warming. It's like two chicks that look the same. Yeah, that's true. By the way, somebody sent me the thing about, oh, we were talking here about, what's that movie, sex and other drugs. Is that what's called?

Sexiles and Videotap. No. I think it's sex and other drugs. Isn't that what it's called? with... I don't know that one. Yeah, the movie. That Tuesday Weld?

Didn't we talk about this with Jake Gyllenhall and the chick I love? Ann Hathaway. Really? That's right. That's called Sex and other drugs? Didn't you and I talk about this a week ago? And you were like, yeah. I don't recall the name.

I remember Hathaway. I remember Hathaway. Well, anyway, she's naked. And then on Twitter, there's some Twitter feed that has every sex scene from every movie. Chuck's nodding. He knows. Really? and this guy's tag me in the video.

She's all hot. She's blowing Jillon Hall. What? So then I put it on and you can swipe to the next fucking thing. It's the next video. So now I'm spending two hours watching every porn foreign film. Hell yeah. Then the next day I get like 300 Twitter notifications.

I'm like, I'm blowing up. And I look and it's just a person named Melanie 500 times a different headshot. I got bought it. Oh, you bought it? Because I watched porn. I go, what the fuck is this? And Sarah's like, have you been watching porn? And I'm like, yes.

Damn. So I busted with the wife. I busted on the wife. There you go, I'm all bots. Wow. You know how you can find it quick, Chuck? Go to my Twitter and look at my replies. Because I replied to the guy.

I was like, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. You're not replying to the horrors, are you? No. Oh, God. Be careful. No, but it was fun. And then my life and I were making love. And I said, how about we put this Twitter

threat on. Oh, that's dangerous, baby. Well, it was fun until it wasn't, because then it cuts to like two guys fucking. You've got to skip, and then it skips to like a cartoon, and I've got to skip against. So now I'm trying to fuck my wife. I'm just skipping, skipping, skipping, skipping. Yeah, you're scrolling. Exactly. Watch out of streams by the lake. You don't want that to pop up. You find it? I went to your replies, and it's the, there's a game, and then there's, like, days and days ago. I don't see it. Yeah, it was like a week. It was like a week ago. I don't reply that often. It's just the replies. I see the halfway stuff.

when you're pro. Okay, there it is. Yeah, yeah, thank you. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Show Marcus this video. Wait, were you harding the bath? Oh, my God. Look at that day.

Hey, what are you doing? Stop turning it. Chuck just turned it back to himself, this piece of shit. What year is this? No slouch himself. No, no, I'd go down on Jill. There's a sexier Hathaway where she's masturbating in a movie. I swear to God.

Oh, my God. Now, what's fascinating about this is, I know a person, I heard a story, I read a story about a guy who wrote a film and she wouldn't do the film because the word retarded was in the script. And she has a down syndrome niece. And she's like, I won't make a movie that contains the word retarded. But here she is fully nude ass in the air blowing Gillow. Isn't that fascinating? Yeah, she'd rather a mouthful of Jillenhall dong than a mouthful of retarded.

That's a hell of a pair of tits right there. Do they show the cans? Yeah, they did at the very beginning. They showed their ass in the cans. You turned it, you queef. It keeps turning out. Oh, cans. Oh, man.

Cans indeed. I mean, look at that. She's in between his cock, fully nude, ass up in the air. Those tinnies aren't retarded. No way. Wow. Yeah. So this guy's doing the Lord's work because that used to be called Mr. Skin, right?

Yes. And that cost money and it gave you viruses. Well, I guess I have viruses. Herpes. Sure. But, yeah. Anyway, so thank you, kind, sir. Well, Twitter, you know, you go on the road, you do these red states.

No abortion, no weed, no porn. And you go, maybe I'll try X videos. They got hip to that. Maybe I'll try lobster tube. Hip to that. May I'll try Hamster X. Hip to that. So you got to go to Twitter.

Twitter's good. Twitter works. Now I got nothing but like, these robots are like harding a tweet I did 48 years ago. Right, right. And by the way, in the tweet, I'm like, Black shit really not as smart as a... And then I'm like, oh, God, delete, delete.

It was a different time. Those bots are no good. They are evil. Yeah. Bought the farm. Robots. It's not really a pun. Bottleneck.

But, yeah. Wow. Twitter porn is fun because it's quick. And there's so many. Oh, what is this? Is this jerking off? Oh, my God. Is that her again?

She is really something else. This should be. a new show. What's she doing, though? Retards watching porn. Now her hands are going to go down her pants, maybe? Wow. What movie is this? What is this? La La Land?

Havoc. Tavoc. Tata Land. Joe Pesci just texted you. What the fuck is that? Funny how. Joe Pesci nominations. God, she's hot. Hachimachi. Um. All right, so what else?

You got? Anything else? I got some stuff. Oh, boy. we went to one bar with batting cages. That was a good time. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Although, running around with a bat when you're drunk, not great. That depends on what you're doing, I guess.

Well, there's just a, I'm in a blackout going, ah, chasing women. But, yeah, trying to think of just a great trip. Went to Portland, had a great time to the Moda Center, which is... Oh, yeah, I did that one with Louis. That's a special place. Yeah, well, they're just the hottest crowds on earth, no matter what venue you're in. Yeah, well, I think they over there. competent because they know that the crunchy quiffs, so they go, ah, we're going to, we're going to

really sink our teeth into these F-bombs. But I was thinking it's a good mix. You need the mix, because you've got the rednecky people, the right-wing gun woods people with the hippie, crunchy homoes. And then you get them all together and you got a good crowd. Here, here. There, there. All right. So what did you, what did you get into? Well, first of all over the plane. Well, first of all, I went to Kentucky. I did Lexington for the first time. Did you do that club off Broadway? I love that club. Yeah, it's great.

And I was kind of like, what's going on here? Every person I've ever met, signatures on the wall. That club's lunch. You, Sam, Ian Fidance, Bill Hicks is there. Oh, yeah. Seinfeld did it. It's legendary. Everybody's there.

I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? I've never been to this club in my life. Yeah. So it was great to be there. You stay in that hotel? Right across the way. Yeah, it was a great time. And what the hell's story was I going to tell?

Kentucky's love the rolling hills. the bourbon, the horses. It's a hell of a state. Well, I've made the decision. This is it. Final answer. I am moving to Kentucky. Come on.

Walk stock and barrel. Woo. I've been saying it for years, Northern Kentucky, Cincinnati area, Louisville, I love. Kentucky fried chickens. My buddy Brady, who produced Fourth of July, he lives down there.

You ever meet Brady Nass Fall? He produces Rogan stuff and UFC stuff and Louis Specials. Maybe. Maybe. Great guy. Brady Bunch. His wife,

got a job there. So he moved there. He said he's been in LA for 25 years. Move there. He said, everything's a third. Every price. Groceries, rent, mortgage, taxes.

Teeth. One third. Yes. And I was talking to a guy. I was talking on stage, of course. I was like, I'm going to move here. This is crazy. Afterwards, some guy goes, I got to tell you.

I know you're joking. I'm a big fan. But he goes, I have a three-bedroom house. His mortgage is $1,500. Wow. Three-bedroom house, Jeremy. Hachy, machi. And then the lady, his boyfriend goes, his girlfriend,

whatever the fuck, she goes, oh, don't listen to him. You should see the basement. It's a mess. The backyard's small. I'm like, but I could own six of them for what I'm paying. Exactly. I could have 18 bedrooms.

Kentucky, I did, you know, I did the same thing. I fly there and you just flying in, you look down. You're like, holy shit. It's like a farmhouse. It's a chimney with a little puff of smoke. It's a guy riding a horse. I go, I can live here. Outhouse, everything.

Back house. It's shithouse. And it's. Beautiful. And everyone's so damn friendly. I know, the Southern Hossp. And you're so close is Louisville, Lexington, Cincinnati, Cleveland, Nashville, Chicago's not even that far. Indianapolis is two hours. It's a forgotten state.

Centurally located and the money, Jerry. I mean, I could be fucking Daddy Warbucks down there. I know. It's pretty sweet. I'm paying $7,800 a day to live in a fucking shoebox. Tell me about it. So, anyways, I'm moving to... Kentucky. It's beautiful. It's fun. It's nice. It's something special down there. Hey there, folks. It's almost the new year. It's time to start that business you've been dreaming

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to sign up as a VIP and get 80% off. That's fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Thank you. Back to the show. And then how about this? So we do the shows, great shows. Matt Wayne's with me, of course. Guy comes up to me after the show.

Big tall guy. Got to be 6'8. and he goes, he buys his shirt, which is very nice. And he goes, and let me know if you want to buy some coke. Oh, boy. I thought he was joking. Because I did something on stage about like, somebody's selling me some Coke, whatever the hell I said.

He was like, let me know if you want me to buy, you sell you some Coke. And so I just assume he's laughing. I go, oh, I'm good. Thank you. And he wanders off this big mountain of a man. He was skinny. All right, all right. He called tall and skinny.

That's more of a cool. cliff or a plateau? Yeah. Maybe a palm tree. Yeah, it's a palm tree. This big old palm tree leaves. And then the next guy comes up, he buys his shirt. And the guy behind him, he's his buddy, he goes, what the fuck?

Leans down. I go, what's going on? And I hear him go, what's going to? And the guy goes, I go, what's going on? I get kind of uneasy. I'm like, what is going on? The guy pulls up a bag of cocaine. Hey.

The guy dropped it on the floor. This guy's like the worst Coke dealer. Oh, no. It feels like an old cop in the 80s. He's trying to get you. No, I think he's just a big retard of a drug dealer. Wow. Because first of all, he didn't do the, like, touch the nose, pull the ear.

Hey, you want the thing? You need the thing. Right. That's what Tom Dustin taught me. You walk up to people and you go, hey, you got the thing? Uh-huh. And if they go, what thing, you go, ah, weed, whatever. If they go like this, what?

Right. What are you talking about? Thing. What happened? You party? Well, party's fun, too. But the thing was different. Yeah.

That was like a unique, original. I like the thing. Well, anyways, so the guy offered me Coke and then also just dropped Coke on the floor. So the next guy gets it, he's like, I just found cocaine. Yeah. And I go, I know who it was. It was that guy. And he goes, well, I'm taking it.

And so one guy bought a shirt, one guy bought a free bag of cocaine. Hey. They held hands and skipped out of there. I love cocaine. It's weird to just see Coke. I know. And that's Kentucky Coke. Kentucky Coke.

Damn. So that was exciting. Coca-Cola. Then the same show, maybe it was later that same night. Again, a woman comes up to me after. I do the meet and greet and the thing. By the way, nobody, great club, but they have no, like, real door guys. It's like a comic, a local comic and a T-shirt.

Yes, exactly. So the meet-and-greet's were, like, seven hours long because everyone's so friendly. And the improv, there's like a guy, takes the photo. Okay, keep it moving. Keep it moving. Yes. Whatever. This was like how long you lived in New York.

Where's your wife from? Would you mind blowing me? Do you want to buy Coke? Can I tell you a joke? I'm thinking about doing stand-up. Here's my first hour. We listen to it. Yeah.

Exactly. So there's a lot of that. Then these four women, they're kind of, or maybe it was three. It was three women. They're hammered. One of them was celebrating her 44th birthday. Big tall broad, which I hate tall broads. Big tree.

She's like 5'10. She's a bomb. And they're taking photos, you know, like all sexy. They're kind of in my face, bad breath. And you can tell they were a little nefarious and drunk. And they're taking photos where they put their leg on you like this. Oh, yeah. And one of them goes, don't worry, we won't post these.

We know you're married. And I'm like, no, you can post them. I don't. Post away. I don't care. I don't care. Your three, yeah, your three ugos just put your arms around me. I don't care.

Oh, they were hugs. Well, I'd fuck home if I was, uh, had half a drink. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. So these are like a Kentucky four? Yeah, I think so. I see. But one of the ladies was her birthday.

She was drunk as she goes, I think she was trying to get laid. She's divorced. I see. And this is her big pickup line. She goes, you got a two-year-old? And I go, oh, yeah. She goes, I gave birth to two 10-pound babies. Oh.

And I go, oh, wow. And her friend goes, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, like she was breaking up a five. Right. It was a long time ago. Like you could tell she was like, Cindy, that's not the move. Yeah, yeah, I got a crazy birth canal. Because it was just, it felt like she was like, we're taking you out, we're going to get you laid, you're tall and ugly, you're divorced, you got two kids, you got a babysitter, let's get you laid. Yes.

And then she comes up and just goes, hey, I had two massive babies. And her friends like, what are you doing? My vagina is a goddamn tunnel. But I related to the lady because I was always that guy with her like, you're sad. You're depressed. I get it. The girlfriend's not coming back. Let's get you laid.

And then I would be like, I got herpes. You're right. My father hates me. Right. Okay, okay, Joe. I'm in love with you. Please kiss me. So anyways, gave birth to two 10-pound babies and then, you know.

You know. To meet them. And I did have that thought of, what if I fuck three women? I'm on the road. Two, right? Those three total. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

Jeez. And I was like, maybe it'd be fun. Maybe I think Sarah wouldn't be upset if I fuck you. three women? I beg to diff. Well, it's worse if you fuck one, I think. Wait, I mean, wait, I mean, wait, I don't know. Wouldn't the tally of more numbers be worse?

Well, because I think if you cheat on your wife, let's bring May down here and ask. Sure. You're cheating on your wife with three women, you're like, I don't know, it was crazy. They raped me. One held me down. She gave birth to two ten-pounders. Right, right. When I'm going to get an orgy again?

I got tricks. Yeah. One woman is like, you cheated on me. What are you doing? You had this conversation. But three is like, I don't know, it was wild. It was crazy. I don't even know their names.

There was so many of them. They were everywhere. Got away from me. Interesting. What do you think about that? I think you got something there. Like, oh, I slipped on a seely postropedic and I ended up inside of a 10-pound puss.

I do think, I'm not saying a wife wouldn't be mad. Actually, by the way, if they're all ugly, Oh, that helps too. I keep saying ugly. Maybe they're fan. They were, you know. They were Kentucky women. They were like Chuck. You're not ugly, but you're not elbowing going to check out this guy.

Kentucky. That's how you get to the top, folks. That's big. That's a title. Well, the Kentucky, what's the name of Wild Broadway? Off the Broadway? Off the Broadway. That's the club where I was doing a meet and greet,

and I was selling merch and a lady came up to me and she goes, I like the show, I like comedy, but you got to stop saying the R word. And I go, what do you talk about? She goes, I have a niece with Down syndrome, you got to stop saying the R word. And I go, what did you think about the Holocaust stuff? She goes, that was great. So I go, oh, so it's just your stuff. Of course.

If I cater to all you, queves, I'd have no act. Exactly. You know, everything's a joke until it hits them. Ain't that the truth, Fannie. But anyway, so I didn't sleep with three women. But I do think on a scale of, you know, I don't care to Furious. Yeah. I think close to Furious is one woman.

I think you might have something. You went out with a lady. You're one-on-one. You tried three, a four-some, you're like, I don't know. Yeah, the night got crazy. And she had two 10-pound babies. So whatever. That's 20 pounds.

So that was something. I picture holding up the babies like with two fishing rods. Two 10-pounders. So then I'm talking to the women. All of a sudden, like Kismet, I get a FaceTime. It's my wife. It's like a bit of them. Oh, they can feel it, Jerry.

Their vaginas are tapped into the ocean and the moon. Like, what the hell is this? So I talked to her. Marty is just barfing everywhere. It's like 1130. He's throwing up. He's hungover. And just puking everywhere.

So it's concerning. And then there's party that's like, maybe I'll have to fly home. skip out of here. That'd be fun. There you go. Be sick enough. Baby, the best out in the world.

It's pretty good. So then the next day she's like, he's fine. And now I told you, I teased last week that I had to go straight from Kentucky to LaGuardia. Yeah. And then get in the cab and go all the way to JFK. I see. Right back to back. And I was going to, I'm barely going to make it.

Yeah. So it's like. To Aruba. A three-hour flight to LaGuardia. Then a 30-minute cab ride to JFK. Don't even get you. get home, get on the flight, fly to Aruba. So you work? They worked out.

Well, so here it is. So I wake. So now I'm stressed all week, all weekend. Going, oh, my God, shouldn't have said yes to this fucking gig. Why can't I just fly down Monday? But then I had a sense of relief because there's no show on Sunday. We're just flying down Sunday. All right. So I had this thought of, if I don't make it, I look at Delta flights, whatever flights. There's flights Monday morning. So I can get there if I have to. There we go. Sarah will go down a day early. She can do it. It'll suck. she can do it.

So I go, all right, that's no big deal. And then maybe my flight to a ruble will get delayed. Who knows? Hopefully, it'll give me an extra time. I wake up, go to the airport and you get to wake up at 5 a.m. That alarm, you go like this. Oh, been there. I hate that alarm.

Brutal. And then you think, like, oh, maybe it's part of my dream, whatever. Yep, yeah. So Matt and I, we start the day. I get into the rental car. You got to go return the rental car, drop off the luggage, get in the shuttle, getting the thing, you get on the plane. Flight is delayed on the ground.

for 35 minutes. Okay. Now, I only have 40 minutes to get to the JFK. That's true. So I'm like, oh, boy, here we go. It's all happening. Hell on Earth. Here it is.

The big fear. I feared it. I manifested this fucking thing. I'm screwed. I don't want to tell anybody. Ray doesn't even know this is going on. A Rubea. Yeah.

Let me see the Jet Blue Flight just to double check. Look at the Jet Blue Flight. Delayed 90 minutes. Oh. Oh, my God. My prayers have been answered. You never want to delay. and then when you want the delay, you get the delay.

You're even Steven. So that was beautiful, so I go, okay, I can relax. Plus, I can't control anything. I'm on the plane. Yes. You get the sense of relief. What are you going to do? And half delay.

Eh, that's not bad. Art van delay? There we go. That's good. I think they were both good. So I fly, land at LaGuardia. Got to take a shit, stop, take a big money crazy shit. I know, but I'm like, I got time now because of the delay.

Okay, okay. Go downstairs, get in the cab. The cab is moving. Now I'm cooking. I go, fantastic. I'm going to make it. All right. No problem.

Get to JFK. This is the problem. You know me. I'm Delta Diamond all day. I love Delta. Delta up my ass. Sure. Aruba.

Aruba Ray books the flights. Jet Blue. So I'm on JetBlue. I'm in seat 3748B. Welcome to my world, baby. So I go, ah, this is a different terminal. I got no status. Yeah, no lounge.

And Delta, I hate to just blow. a big corporation, but they're the best corporation in the sky of all time. Love them. We love you, Delta. Except for yesterday. Yeah, what can you do? I get to JetBlue. You know, you go to drop off the line. I've got to check my bag, because I got the baby, all this stuff.

You go to drop off, they have it. You know, they have like the bank line where you go through the thing. It's closed. You can't just walk up. The lady goes, whoa, where you going? I was like, going to drop my bag, check in. She goes, what time's your flight leave? Uh-oh. I go. You know, I'm a little

squirly guy, I go, I don't understand. What's the relevance? Didn't care for that. She goes, what's the relevance? I go, sorry, yeah, I just, I don't understand. She goes, what times your flight? I went out. So I have a moment, I'm like, all right, relax.

What am I doing? Don't fight with this fat woman of color. I go, 1140? And it's like, whatever, 950 or something. Okay, okay. Yeah, because it's delayed. She goes, all right. Well, you got to go over there and get the thing over there.

Okay, like over where? What? She got the ED card. I need a rectile dysfunction card. To get to a robo, there's some kind of whatever. Oh, exactly. You got to fill it out over there. I see.

International waters. Yeah, but I still don't understand what times you fly. I don't get it. Just let me go drop my bag. What difference does it make? She was trying to fuck you on the, if you don't check the bag an hour before, you can't get on the flight. I guess so.

So I go, okay, so I go over, and then it's one of these things. I'm looking around and being like, where's the thing? the thing? What is it? So I go back. I go, I'm sorry, where is it? She's like, it's over there. Very vague. And it's a QR code, the size of Chuck's dick. It's like this big, and it's like in a sea of all the stuff. Ah, hate a cue. So I got to scan the QR code. Cue on. Then I go back. I go, okay, I got the thing. I'm going to check my bag. And she goes, well, where's your bag stickers? I'm like, I don't have bag stickers. That's what you do up there. That's why I'm in life. And she goes, no, no, no, no, you got a self-bullshit. It's all self-bullshit. It's all self-bullshit.

I know. So I go, okay, I go back. Boop boop boop doops. Put the thing in. Go to glue it up together, stick it together. I go back. She goes, you don't do that here. You got to do it over there.

It's another bag point. I go, what the fuck? Give me back to Delta. Yes. Anyways, got through. I make it there in time. Meet up with the baby. We fly down to Aruba.

He's feeling better because he puked Friday night. Now it's Sunday. Okay. We get on the plane. We take off. And now because we have to buy him a seat. We have a row with an extra C. It's nice.

Live and large. So you got the extra room. Bo, boo, boo, boo. We're in row 13. Unlucky. Across the aisle in 13D, the fattest man alive. I'm talking Rupert plus Chuck plus Shelby. God, damn.

How do you get on the plane? He's 800 pounds if he's a foot. Immediately the flight takes off. It's this. Oh, he's so on logs. I mean, and everyone, the lady behind him was, fake, punch him on the head. Like, they're doing this to him.

Everyone hated them. I mean, a gringest scoring. Yeah. Well, the fat guy's sleep apnea is on another level. It was nuts. I mean, like, Rose and Rose could hear him. It's a bear. So we all hated him.

Yeah. Then, Marty, sitting on my lap, having a nice time, he goes, Oh, geez. Blah! Just the exorcist, 40 minutes into the flight. This guy's stored like an asshead. I mean projectile all down. This hoodie, by the way, all down everywhere.

My neck down the side in the ear. You finally got Bukaki. Oh, I got it, baby. Reverse Bukaki. Chunks milk. Wow. Everything. In my beard.

Wow. All over his shirt. What was it you think? Was it a weird meal? Noro. Oh. But what's crazy is it was every other day. These kids, they just.

They just lick and smell and snort everything. They eat shit. You all right? Yeah. Oh, all right. Holy no. Norro, Jerry. It's everywhere.

So I got to take his shirt off. I take my hoodie off. He just flies shirtless. We checked all the bags. There's no extra luggage. Burr-Krecher? It's great. He looked like Bert.

Yeah. Burp. So. Hey, burp crash. I take the hoodie off. My T-shirt is just covered and vomit. It stinks. I mean, it's like the bowels of a baby.

I know that foul stench. Oh, it's fine. foul, baby. He filed out of the game. Falball. Also, I left this out. We're having the worst turbulence of every experience. The whole plane is... Oh, no wonder. Sarah hates turbulence. She's

sobbing. Oh, man. She's like, are we going to die? I don't want to die. I'm like, grabbing her a cunt. I'm like, shut your mouth. Grabbing by the pussy. And then this guy's going and everyone around us, around 13, the noisiest snore. The vomit. The stinkiest

vomit. The crying woman. He's two, so everyone kind of is like, oh, boy, the two-year-old. Yeah. And I think only we can, because it's right on me. It's on me. You hope. You hope. But it was stinky.

That is unreal. I mean, the whole five, three hours of just puke everywhere. It was fun when he landed, he felt better, and he was like, you're ready for the beach. Everyone was like, oh, he's ready for the beach. Sure. So we've got to go. Who's this fat fuck going to Aruba? What's he going to do out there?

Whale watching? I don't know. You tie your boat to him. guess. Yeah, this guy's an iceberg. He was fucking horrible. And Sarah was like, if you snored like that, would you want me to wake you up? I'm like, of course, I want you to shoot me.

I want you to put me down. Yeah, shove a big fat sock in there. You got to wake up. I'm like, everybody hates it. Like, it was the talk of the plane. Sure. Now, I've done the snoring on the plane, but I got the guy next to me and went like this, like...

Right. You know, like the fake... Oh, I bumped into you, but I was clearly snoring. He was trying to wake me up to shut me the fuck up. And there's different kinds of snort. Like, you're a healthy guy who's sleeping upright, so you're snoring. Yeah. It's more like that.

The mouth open. People snore. But this was like a, you are going to be dead soon. You wasted your life. You fat piece of shit. Grizzly bear. Yeah. Now, here's a question.

Please. Fat guys like that. You're on death's door. You could croak at any moment, heart attack, or whatever it is. Why don't we consider them darede? You're pushing life's edge every day. Right. You're a fucking day.

I mean, a guy who bungee jumps off Mount Sufias or whatever. He's hot shit. This guy's, he's evil-cnievel. Yeah, it's a good point. He's, yeah, fat caneeval. I couldn't think of what rhymes with Ceneval. That's tough. Yeah, that is a tough one.

Evil caneeve meal? I don't know. Yeah, that's good. That's a stretch. but yeah. Too many meals. Evil too many meals. Evil too many meals.

Yeah. Well, he sucks. Yeah. But it was a horror show for everybody involved. I felt bad. Yeah, he needs the OZM. He's just got to hit him like Pulp Fiction. Stab.

And then you're leaving. And then like it's worse than I thought, too. There's like just puke all that white shit down my pants, down my t-shirt and four hours. And you just kind of have that thing of like, well, that's it. I'm dead. Yeah. They puked again, but we got it mostly in the bag, but like it came out the side, too. It's warm, too.

It's hot, and it's a certain smell. I know it well, and then you kind of go like, go, like, you got to start gurgling. Like, stand by me. RIP Rob Runner. R-IPR-R-R. Hey there, folks. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. It can be easy to lose track of your finances, but you can keep an eye on your spending patterns with Rocket Money.

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Show notes, place above the folder. YouTube as possible. Thank you. So then we get to Aruba. We immediately take off the clothes, whatever. We go straight to the ocean. It's evening time. You know me. I love the ocean. It heals. I take Marty in. The sun has said, it's nighttime.

It's a night swim. Me and the baby. Spiritual. He's feeling better. We're in the water. We're the only ones in the water, literally. Cold? No, it's warm as piss. It's a room. Really? It's unbelievable. It's warmer than the pool. I've got to get back there. It's fun. Well, just go on vacation.

because, man, I was eating shit on those shows. Oh, really? I was dying on those, too, but that was 10 years ago. I remember with Don Gavin, 77 years old. Still killing. Really? Yeah, oh, yeah. New stuff?

No. But what's amazing about this? So now, you know, we are very excited about new material, and, you know, I think comedian should write new material. But what's amazing about this guy is he wrote these jokes in 1981. They're killing. Yeah. I can't imagine.

I imagine writing a bit that is working 50 years from now. Yeah, that's crazy. And there's something to be said for the marination of it. You know, like that bit and that transition to the next bit is so flawless and beaten out time-wise. It's like an old catcher's met. Yeah. You want that old one. I mean, he's murdering.

I mean, the crowd is going crazy with jokes that are older than you and I. Now, what are you eating it for? What's going on? Well, I think, well, first of all, it was sad. Then Christine Hurley. You know Christine Hurley? I don't know. I think so. She's a Boston lady, and she's got a thick Boston action.

She's 61, so she's an older lady. Okay. And she's a killer, and she kills. And the crowd is old. Yeah, they're all old. And, you know, her husband's a fireman, and she shits on her husband, and it says, you know, he was in my pussy. He found the clicker in there. Like, it's very Boston, there, New England.

And she's just hilarious. and magnanimous and all these things. Brassy Broad. She's a brassy broad, and she's closer to their age, and she's murdering. Although I think one of the nights, I'll get to that, but she had a harder time, and then the next night it wasn't as hot. I see. But she's killing, and then I'm now one of these guys.

I've just been performing for young men, our people. Yeah. And you go up, and I'm following her, first of all, And they're just not that smart. They're a little older. They don't want to think. The sex stuff works. Yeah.

They want shitting on your spouse funny sex stuff, which I have a little bit of. You got that. But some of my newer stuff, they just don't get it, I think. I'm not eating shit, but it's just not hot. Sure. And it's very strange to be in that position now to perform for no one there has ever heard of you. Yes. Yes, yes, exactly.

They're just like, who's this guy? It's an eye opener. But it was a couple of these where you're like, oh, my wife, I hope she dies. And they're like, this guy goes, oh. Yeah, you feel it right when you walk up too. Yes. You know, you're like, so, uh, and you can just feel I'm getting nothing back.

There's zero warmth in this room, and you've got to earn it. Yeah, and I was dusting off old bits. I was like, maybe this one will work. I was doing like, suck it like a man. That would hit. Wow. Yeah. Which is older than baseball, that joke.

Oh, yeah. Good vote. So. Ended up being fun, but one of the nights. So then, you know, Marty was sick. He feels better. Then this is what's weird about this version of the norovirus. He was sick Friday night.

Then Sunday. Then Monday, he's fine. Tuesday morning wakes up. Weird. He's like a model. All over me. This time worse. Like, I got in the shower.

I mean, all the way down. I looked like powder. Just fucking nuts everywhere. Yuck. Sarah barfed Monday. So where everyone's barking every other night. Oh, weird. So I was healthy throughout until Wednesday.

So then Tuesday I was like, all right, this is norovirus, which is highly contagious. Everything that says about norov was highly contagious, highly contagious. And he's barfing in my face. Yeah, in your mouth. So then I had this weird thing. It was like, um, execution or whatever, that thing where you're like, I know I'm going to be sick tomorrow. So I had one day, they were both sick. And I was like, you guys, hunker down, I'm going to live.

Live, damn it. So I went for a run. I ran three miles. I went to the cigar place. Wow, good for you. I spoke to back. Wow. I made all my phone calls.

I talked to my manager, my thing, the other thing. That's great. I'm like having a cigar because I know it's coming. It's in me, too. Yeah, it's like that movie. What's that movie where the guy knows he's going to die, so he does all the crazy shit? Bucket List. A bucket list.

Bucket list. Bucket list. You had your bucket list. Yeah. So I went and blew two men. I slept with Ray. Finally. Should have had that Kentucky threesome.

So then I go to bed and I'm like, what if I don't get it? Maybe I won't get it. Who knows? Yeah, if you get puked on twice, you're shooing. Surely it's highly contagious and you can just get it from being in the same house and he puked into my mouth. It's like pedophilia. A lot of pettos were dittled.

So it's almost like you got dittled and you're like, I wonder if I'll be a petto. And then here we are, you're a petto. Well, either you're a petto or you're a guy that like, murders peddows. Right. You go either way. So I'm like, maybe I'll throw up

or I'll eat vomit. Yeah. But I ended up, this is interesting. Normally in Saroni's relationship, anytime she's sick, I get sick and I get it three times worse. This is the first time ever the other way around.

I see. I never puked, but I had like diarrhea every 30 seconds for a full day, one day. But I'd rather have no puke. I'd rather that too. And I only had it one day.

She had it every other day. It was very strange. Wow. But yeah, much better coming out the old back hole than the front face. Well, because you can sit, which is comfortable, I look at your phone, you're like, I'm getting some work done. Yeah. And sometimes it feels good to flush the system. Yes.

Just get all that shit out of me. I think I lost some weight that day. There you go. I put it right back on, of course. But also the irony of going to this tropical, beautiful resort island stay, and you guys are just ruined. It was awful. I mean, there was not a single day where all three of us were healthy.

Wow. And we had one day that we were close and we got to go back to the ocean, but this is what's so frustrating about it. And also having a two-year-old, you know me, I've never set foot in a pool in Aruba until this trip. I'm all ocean.

I think it's insane to go to a pool when the ocean is there. The pool is strange. But with the baby, it's just easy. It's closer. It's not as crazy. No sand. We had to stay close.

Right. The pool was still great. And there was a water slide. I got to go down the water slide. That was fun. Now, how's the kid with the... Because I feel like when you're sick, you're not just puking. You're sad.

You're upset. You're cranky. You're pissed. Well, he's... In between pukes, he was like, he was pretty good. Wow. He was sleepy because it was exhausting. But he gets freaked out because he doesn't know what puking is.

Yeah. So he's just looking like, he's crying. He's like, what's going on? Yeah. Yeah. It's like the Old West or whatever where they thought, The devil was in you. Yes, yes.

Well, puking has it. You see somebody like, who, oh, it's very exorcism-y. You know, it feels like they kind of expel the demon or something. Like it's insidious. The devil is that. So, I mean, if I was like a Native American, I saw a guy puke, I'd be like, kill him. Absolutely.

He's tainted. He's done for. Yeah, putting an arrow in his dits. My kid puked, I took him to some restaurant. I got some Thai food. There he is. And I go, eh, a couple pieces of rice. Eh, a little more rice.

You want to try the lo-main? Whatever. So I'm feeding him this horseshit panda express garbage. And he goes, and I go, he's choking. I'm freaking out, I'm yelling at the whole restaurant. He's joking. I started hitting his stomach. Like that's fire.

Yeah, punching him in the face, drive-by fruiting, and eventually goes, wha! And just rice shot out, like a big bag of wet rice shot like a mile and a half away from him. And I was like, oh, my God. I thought he was dying. Now, he was allergic to rice also, maybe? No, I think he's got a little bit of an allergy. He can't chew. He's got one tooth.

So he was, I think he got one little pebble down there, and it triggered him. Right. What's going on with the peanut butter? Do you see the doctor? Well, I've just been going old school. Just been giving him a lick every day. Yeah, all right. I want to get a doctor involved.

Maybe you're right. Think about it. He's actually not doing great. What I mean? He's, uh, no, I'm just kidding. But he's fine. But, yeah, I've been giving a little. old, like a, just a

about you put on a mouse trap. Oh, wow. Every day. My most traps. See how that goes. I haven't seen them in a while. I missed the old bastard. I guess I didn't even hurry, but you could pop up.

Well, I hear him crying. That's true. What was the other thing? It was something else. I can't remember. Let me just tell you about this. Please. Okay, sorry.

This flight. So yesterday, the gang is they got it made. They wake up at noon and they fly to Austin. on a private jet. That's it. Yeah, that's nice. So I'm like, I've got to get back to the baby. I live on the East Coast. 5.30 wake up.

Get to the airport, Delta. Now I go, there's one first class seat left. It's not cheap because it's coast to coast. Sure. But they said, we'll take 80K miles. It's a lot of miles. A lot of miles. But I said, you know what?

Maybe I'll do it. There's one left. I'm doing it. So I get the first class ticket. I go over there, Portland, good times, in the nice seat. They don't lay down, but, you know, they're good. We fly, we cook, we eat, we have a great time. I take a nap.

They go, hey, we got to go to Albany. And I go, ah, but I had the first class. So I got to sit in the first class. Imagine if I had not gotten that, I would have been screwed. Yeah, that would have sucked. I mean, it still sucks. But 10 hours. 10 hour travel day.

Maybe 12, actually. Oh, so you never got off the plane. You just sat on the tarmac in Albany? Well, they let us debaward, but it was for like a half hour. Right. But I had the movies. I had the food. I had booze.

So thank God I pulled the trigger. It's always worth it if you can swing it to get it. Especially coast to coast. Absolutely. Because that's a bitch of a bitch. Absolutely. And that's the tricky thing about miles. I was just telling Sarah, because I have about, you're going to shit when you know how many miles.

I have. Oh, yeah. 475,000 miles. Oh, I got more than that. Really? I think I've double that. Why don't you use them? I don't know.

Well, here's what I don't. I don't understand how you have the miles. You're flying a different airplane every time. Every time I talk to you, you're like, I go to United, I flew JetBlue, I flew, what's it called? I've been sick with Delta also. Don't forget, Faddy. I went to Australia on Delta. I went to Riyadh on Delta.

I went to Gaza on Delta. I'm all Delta on these long flights This is the thing with Miles By the way, here's another fun thing I'm doing And the people are going to get a little Their panties in a knot And you guys are too I'm $285 short

Of Diamond for next year Oh, just pony up the dough You can't do that You gotta fly You can't just give them the $200 You gotta buy a ticket So what are you going to do Just take a little lap around the country

I'm going to Cleveland Wait Really? I'm helping Canter move. Oh, you're sick. You're sick. You're not going to help him move. You're going to be going,

is she around here? Where is she? Oh, I accidentally texting her. Whoopsie. I haven't spoken to her. But Canter, I'm like, I got a fly, $285, so I'm like, I need a short flight. Yeah.

And then Matt Wayne, his mother is sick. So he's going to Buffalo. And I was like, all right, I can go to Buffalo or Cleveland. Either way, I'm a great friend. What are you going to do in Buffalo? Well, his mom's sick, so he's up there. So I could go be the guy that's like, hey, take a break, come hang out, we'll have lunch. Oh, wow.

There's not much to do in either city. No. So I texted canter, I'm like, are you there? And he's like, I'm actually moving in Saturday. So I was like, well, that does it. I'll come. I'm helping move in. You're going to lug boxes?

Of course. Hey, what a guy. Well, he's a good friend, and I need the Miles. I guess so. It is. On paper, I'm like the greatest friend of all time. But really, I'm just getting my diamond status. Miles Davis.

But I'm like, I can't, because you have to spend $28,000 on flights in a year to make diamond. Really? Yes. Well, if you have the credit card, whatever, you can do it other ways with Miles on the credit card. But this is what I was going to say about the Miles. The thing with Miles is, when you buy a flight with Miles, you don't get Miles or status. So I never want to use the miles because it takes away from my status. That's how they get you.

Oh, no. So you think like, okay, I could use these miles to get a free flight, but then the free flight you're not getting credit for. Right. Because I'm all about that status. Yeah. See, this is why I don't use them. Me either.

Shit. All right. You can get yourself a free flight somewhere. Yeah, but I'm diamond, but does that go away when the year's over? Yes. Fucking hell. How do I keep diamond? Look at your status.

Let me see. Well, this is probably more for a Patreon. Yeah, yeah. You got to go to your thing. I'll let you have the whole thing. It shows you. I give you my whole address, Social Security, baby name. Yeah, you go to my account.

I mean, we're losing everybody. All right, we'll do it later. But look at it. Yeah, so I need $1,500 of MQDs. What the hell of MQD? I need $1,000, and I got $1,500 because I bought this trip to Cleveland. I see. So you got to go.

So right now, I'll platinum for 2026. Got it. So I got to get, complete the ring. Uh-huh. And then you got your million miles status That's that That's 730,000 miles Once you get a million mile status

I think they suck you off on the flight Wooee! I'm too tired People are gonna be Hey, we wrapped it all up with a bow Oh wow All right well geez I I gotta just give a shout at to Kevin Isso Uh maybe I shouldn't say this

But he brought a lady who's like I think a lady DM me And you No him after the arena show and we're all like, well, go find her. And he goes, okay, he goes find. She's a beautiful woman. And she's with another guy.

And so he brings the guy into the green room. And we're like, hey. And the guy's like, how do you write jokes? I'm such a fan. Holy shit. And, like, you know, Gillis is like George Harrison. Now he's got a fucking rando guy in the room who's 23 years old. And, you know, we're playing Xbox or we're listening to music.

and he's like, I got a joke book. Can you write down some jokes for me? You know, like all this shit. And boy, oh boy, do we give ISO. Like, what are you crazy? You go hook up with a girl? Don't bring a guy back. And he never fucked her.

So we really gave him the business. Oh, wow. His balls were bluer than that turf. But, yeah, just a hell of a weekend. Gillis really makes it happen. Those arena shows are so wild. You do 15. you make a ton of a boatload of money and you get drunk and then you fall asleep in a beautiful hotel and you do it all over again.

It's crazy that you do like a minute of material for each thousand of a person. Wow. Crazy. It's this unbelievable. He's doing the stadium. I can't even fathom it. It's wild. Yeah, you go, oh, that section's the DC improv.

That's the Fort Lauderdale Improv. That's the Wilbur right there. It's insane. Unbelievable. That's very exciting. They really made it. And, you know, they'll be like, oh, you broke the Metallica's record. And he's like, oh, thanks.

They give him a plaque. And he throws it on a stack of plaques. Yeah, I know. It's like, that's one of those things is, you have to build a room just for the hardware. I know. And they're like, who is, I was like, who's here last week? That's like a club, you know? And they're like, oh, Chappelle.

And I was like, how about before that? Like, Bargazzi. And I'm like, wow. They're just doing it like clubs. That's unbelievable. How about that top 20 list they made of standups of the 20th century? I didn't care for it Yeah, a bunch of horseshit in there

I know, who was number one? Chappelle And then Louis number three All right It was Chappelle, then Chris Rock Which, respect to Chris Rock I love Chris Rock And he's something of a buddy

An acquaintance But his best work was in the previous century Do you feel? Yeah, well, definitely No question about it I mean, Louis Louis still producing You talk Louis and Chris Rock

in the 21st century, whatever the fuck century we're in, 2000s on. It's already had three... Five hours, what? Louis? Like nine hours. Nine hours. Something like that.

25 years. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, yeah, all of them. I mean, how is he not number one? I mean, Chappelle, respect to Chappelle, but... It's crazy. Not even close.

I mean, Louis, with a bullet, and it's a drop-off, in my opinion. Well, where was Dave Attell? David Tellin, nowhere on that list What? I don't think That's crazy too Where's that list? Can you pull that up? Well, we gotta go in a second point I don't care. Was it funniest? What is that guy's handle?

Stand-up's funniest or something like that? No, it was like a variety. Oh, variety. It was like a big magazine. One of those fucking things. Well, I'll give you, Chappellella's put out work. Yeah, I'll put it or not. I'll get it. Number two. Okay, okay. No, I agree. I mean, Louis is the, the main. Man. Yeah, absolutely. Anyways, we got to wrap up.

I got to get to the, you know what, the regs fucking Yankees shop. Which I would have plenty of time, but I forgot my gift. Ah, I'm going to go back to the house. The gift. Whatever. No, good on us.

And my Christmas sweater. All right, folks, I will be in Las Vegas. First time I've ever done my own show in Vegas ever. Wow. Lost wages. What is it? Wise guy? Wise guys.

Hell yeah. Did you wear clubs in Vegas ever? I did the seller a bunch. Yeah. I've done the seller, but not like a... Not really. I've never done like a three-man show. I'm headlining here I come in Vegas in my 25 years of comedy.

A lot of opening. You know, I did like the Riviera with Schumer and all these people, but that's about it. Louis. Yeah, I did that room with DePaolo. And anyways, yeah, January 15th through the 17th. Then I'm in Atlantic City, January 31st, one night only. Jay Leno? Yeah, I'm doing the casino circuit.

And February 5th, I'm doing comedy. Dojo, two shows back there and a bunch of other shit that I can't fucking remember right. Oh no, February 12th, I'm in Vancouver for one night only, and then Cobbs, February 13th through the 15th, which is one of the coolest cities and rooms.

Hell yeah. So San Francisco, Vancouver, Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Comedy Dojo, and Tom Dustin, Portrait of a comedian is up there. It's cooking. It's for sale all the time in perpetuity. And we just hit a million, a big

million on whatever my last special was called. I can't remember. Small ball. Hallelujah. So that's over a million. Thank you for doing that. Keep watching that. Keep spreading it around. That's the thing about these YouTube. They live, Jerry. Yes, yes, live. So spread the word.

Yikes. Okay, that's it. Yes, I got Nero. I'm in Des Moines, then Brea, California out there in Irvine County, New Brunswick at the Stress Factory. San Antonio, L-O-L, Tulsa, Oklahoma,

Indianapolis, Buffalo, and Portland, Maine at the Empire Comedy Club. I believe that one's sold out. So yeah, come on by, check it out, quiff it up, go gay. What do you got, Chucci? Check on my podcast, Funbearable.

We just put up a fun Christmas games episode with a bunch of the Tell them, Steve Dave, guys. Podcast? I know there's a crossover, audience because people talk to me all the time. They're like, get them together, get the podcast together. So it's Walt Flanagan's on it, Jimmy the Hair guy's on it, Rupert's on it, Tom's on it. It's going to be, it's a great time. It's a really, really fun night. Check it out, fun bearablepod.com at Funbearable Pod. Go check it out. What are you waiting for? If you haven't checked it out,

get on it. Give it a try. Give it a world. What's the worst thing can happen? You're walking around. You're listening to podcasts. Put it on. Stick it in your ass. It's fucking Christmas. Let's go. A lot of crossover Tuesday's fans. with fun bearable. They're siphoning. All right, well, hey, get on the Patreon. We got all kinds of hot stuff. And yeah, tell a friend, quiff it up.

No one wants to be themselves.