Tuesdays with Stories! - 637 Icky Mantle

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Joe's buying a sex toy and buying MORE sex toys when the first one doesn't work! Mark does the final Dr. Phil show with an A-list actress! Joe has an rude Aruba dude in the crowd! Mark doesn't make the thumbnail! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS & use code TUESDAYS to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/TUESDAYS - Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at http://RocketMoney.com/TUESDAYS - Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Whoa! I just farted when I yelled. That was kind of fun. Yeah, I wish I got that on tape. But, yeah, we are here. We're queer. It's the holiday season.

It's Christmas time. The bells are ringing. The whites are singing. And my balls are stinging. I'm loving it. I just left Macy's. It's like a movie set up there. It's crazy.

And a place opens at 10 a.m. We got there at 9.45 for this big Santa brunch with your wife. Yeah. And we went up there, and there's a line around the corner. Everyone's decorated. The windows have the things and the shops and there's bows of Holly. Yeah. What is a bow?

What's a guy? Yeah, bow. Who's Holly, by the way? I don't know. Holly Hunter? Oh, yeah. The, those displays in the window, people fly in for those. I'm telling you, Jerry.

I was out there, and there's people going, Skivokan Guduggan. Oh, good a good got it. Hey, nice, Korean. And, yeah, there was some of that, too. There was some, she, look at this motherfucking bluey. Oh, geez. That was just a homeless guy.

But it's beautiful. I've never been to a department store as it opens. And they ring a bell and you go in, everyone's clapping. They go, you really missed a hell of a time up there. That was fun. Santa Claus, the elves. Then there was these three hot bitches singing, acopella. Really?

Mrs. Claus or an elf? Or what are we talking? They were dressed in, like, mini-skirts. It was like mean girls. Miniskirts. It's fishnets. I took a photo. Ask your wife.

One of them was staring at me. And I kept me like, she's staring. Are you guys noticing this? And then I started pointing at Sarah going, this is my sister. I'm available. And I don't know.

I think your nanny was a little suspect. She's brown and immigrants. She's always on edge. She was like, why is he flirting with this woman in front of you? And my wife was like, I don't care. Who cares? But I'm telling you, it was three hot broads. I got the photos to prove it.

Oh, please. Now we're talking. Well, your wife's dumb head is in the way also. I'm trying to get hard here. Hold on. Here they are. Look at this. I'll cut her out.

Whoa, mama. You're not kidding. This is the one that was really staring at me. Yeah, yeah. Look at that face. Wow, that's a mug. White boots, fish nets. Hachimachi.

She's a little bit of a rough one, but yeah. And you could Photoshop a cock right in there. She's doing this. I mean, all three of them. It's like a blow-up doll's face. Look at that. Holy hell. I like that one on the end there.

That's the one that was looking at me. I said, I'm like, am I crazy this woman staring at me? And she recognized you from the pod. That's what I think. Oh, the Tonight Show, Netflix, Conan. You never know. I mean, I've done a lot. Conan's been over for a couple of years.

But yeah. Letterman. Way over. What's the other one? Comics Unleashed? Gordon, I did. Oh, geez. And I swore on it, too.

Wow. Accidentally. Oh, yeah, you had that spazz. Yeah, well, I spazzed because the guy was moving something. he stepped on a hose or something. Oh, really? Yeah, I want to fuck some hose. Yeah, it was like a clunk clunk in my middle of my set and I was like, what the shit was that? Oh, that was bad. Oh yeah, and then they edited it. Did you do Corden? I did once. Yeah, there's the hottest crowd of all of them. Oh, not for me. I ate a bag of turds. No way. I watched

it. I don't know. It was tough. It was tough sledding. Interesting. Well, give it a goog, I'm trying to remember. Now, this is what I was thinking about. This is why I got distracted. Is the Tonight Show set the same as, not the set, the studio? Is that where Conan was? Feels like the same studio. No, no.

Wait. Conan is in L.A. No, no. The late night with Conan. The New York 1230 show, the original Conan. Yes. I think it's the same. I think you're right.

I believe, yeah. It is, yeah. So what happened to Letterman? Letterman. He's at CBS. He became Colbert. That's right. And Colbert, I think it's the same.

I thought got fired and it was a big deal, and he's been there. It's been three years. Same with Kimmel. I thought Kimmel was getting the boot. Well, that came back like two days later. Yeah. That was like a suspension. That was always a suspension. I see. That was the thing. It got all twisted up into knots. Ah, and helped the ratings eventually.

But Colbert, they were like, he's fired, Trump. Oh, yeah. What's going out? But he's still on the fucking air. That's true. I think they spin, they buzz it up a little bit, so it seems more interesting. You got a buzz. By the way, how about the Oscars going to YouTube? That is a shift. We're in a shift, Jerry.

Yeah. Shift the gears because things are changing. TV is gone. Movies are over. It's all flipping and flopping. It's all TikTok and Grindr and Snapchat. The Academy Awards on YouTube. YouTube.

I mean, that's nuts. That is a sad, sad day. Yeah. I mean, who's the host? Mr. Beast? What are we doing? That's crazy. Yeah, he could. He would get numbers.

That's true. By the way, he's doing his next show in Saudi Arabia. Suck it, homos. Yeah, I mean, I guess they're just going to hate him, too, though. I don't think they will. You don't think so? I think he'll do just fine. I think he'll get a couple of quiffs, and then he'll escape.

By the way, speaking of controversies, did you see what Trump did in the Monument Hall thing, whatever? Monument Hall. So they got, you know, they have the, did you see this? They have all the photos of all the presidents. Oh, okay. He did the auto signature for Biden, which is hilarious. But now, just today, or whatever, three weeks ago, whatever the fuck this comes out, he wrote basically like tweets that are on plaques.

Oh. And it literally says, sleepy Joe Biden was the worst president in history. Some say he's homo. Some say he's a homo. He's got a little dick. It's like Obama, the most divisive president of all time. He was born in Africa. Whoa.

And they're like plaques, gold plaques in the hallway. Holy hell, tooth plaque. Now, wait, can we take him down when he leaves? I think you can take him down. Yeah, it's a plaque. You can just remove it with one of those metal things that the dentist uses. Sure, sure. Wow, that's crazy.

It's like, he's got tweets placked up. Is this an MFT? What is it? FTM? R.E.M. Sleep. Radical eye movement, rapid eye movement. Wow, Tweet.

Enough men. Hey, rape enough men. That's a good REM. Rave enough men. What are you watching the P-Ditty Docks? Sorry, I'm all over the place. All jacked up on caffeine. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I got one up left. I'm one up in. Okay, I'm saving the freak off for my jerk. All right, don't tell me about it because I'm one app in, but I'm sorry. I'm against all RAPE, obviously. Sure. But if you're going to RAPE somebody, you don't film it and play it on a party for your buddies. Did he do that?

Yeah, that's in the first episode. How'd I miss that? I don't know. Maybe I was too busy. Either way, that's insane. Wait, I thought there was a stampede. The stampede's in the same episode. Okay, I saw the peed.

The big stampede. And then he impedes on this woman's rights. He fucks her, films it. Oh, yes. And then the mother writes a letter to his mother. The mother writes a letter, yeah. She cried. Imagine so young that your mother's writing a letter to your mother.

Wow, that's a young. Who rins and films it and puts it on a TV? What's the deal with a film? I mean, this is crazy. This episode's getting quickly cut. Yeah, well, I spelled it at first. Then you said it, so I started saying it. Shit.

But it's on Netflix. Maybe we'll say rapping. Well, the Oscars are going to be on YouTube, so. That's true. They love the children. Oscar, big pedophile thing. What are you talking about? Well, hold on.

I fucked that up. I said the punchline. It's a big, it's like Halloween. Uh-huh. Everybody gets dressed up. Uh-huh. I used to watch it, now I don't. I used to partake, now I don't.

And it's a big knife for pedophiles. Ah, right, it's an old bit. That's not bad. I couldn't get it out, and I set the punchline first. Yeah, that happens. Is it a hot in here? Is my holly kicking in? Well, I'm all jacked up on caffeine.

I got another coffee. I'm all cranked, Jerry. I'm all jacked up. Ooh. Uh-huh. Hey, yeah. Yeah, it's been a wild week. It's only Thursday.

It feels like Sunday to me. It's just been so long. Went to L.A., came back. Podcasting shows, Ainal Baby. It's a lot. Well, Aynel Baby. Anything midweek fucks you all up. Plus, the week before Christmas is funky, because we're all about to leave.

You got to jam it in. And then you kind of had senioritis. Yes. You're kind of like, we're done. Our industry shuts down for six weeks because we're a bunch of home. That's why YouTube's winning. So it's all funky. And then you have a weekend.

I'm off this weekend. Next weekend's Christmas and I'm off. But then I'm going to Cleveland, even though I'm off. It's a big mess. I'm not seeing Becca. Don't worry about it. All right. We'll see what happens.

He's going to be moving to a new home with a... So you should show up, lady. By the way, he's like, well, we have movers. You don't need to be here. I was like, all right. But I'm getting the diamond status. It's all about the diamond status. I mean, the rumor mill is just going to go haywire with this.

Oh, he's like, you. bringing Karen. But wait, wasn't I supposed to not mention moving? Is that fine now? Remember, I had to cut that out because he was a job. Oh.

I will bleep his name. Bleep the name. Yeah. That'll be fine. Yeah. By the way, yeah, it doesn't matter. Just keeping tabs on. His job.

Ah, he's a job? Oh, yeah, big job. Big job guy. Steve Jobs. It is his job. It does his job. That's the same episode, by the way. Flight to Cleveland?

Oh, yeah. How about that? right, you son of a bitch. Every time I mentioned Matt Wayne and I mentioned Cleveland, we both go flight to Cleveland and we die laughing. It's very fun.

That's what you'd want is an artistically Seinfeldian buddy to deep dive. There's nothing worse. The only thing worse than a guy who doesn't know anything about Seinfeld is a guy who knows

a little. Right. So he'll be like, uh, master your domain. And you're like, all right, all right,

get out of here. Well, here's the worst, the worst, the worst, worst, and there's many like this. Ronon is one of them. The people that only reference seasons 8 and 9.

That makes me fucking nuts. They're like, Festivus. Right. I hate Festivis. Yeah. Doesn't make any sense. Coco the monkey. No mention of Festivus for the seven years previously.

Right. Get out of here with Festivus. Feats of strength. Yeah. Doesn't make any sense. Uh, that's a poll. I know. No tinsel.

It's a polling. There you go. We're having a nice time. All right. I'm all jacked up. Settle me down. Don't me. Don't you down, Fannie.

So, yeah, that Pete Ditty doc is good. TV's having a moment. I think we used to watch movies and TV, and now we watch crazy documentaries. It's the only way to get the country together. The only thing we're all watching is P. Diddy. Well, that's fine, though, because Carl Reiner made this point, RIP, made this point on Bill Maher's podcast.

He was talking about All in the Family at the time. Like, there was 200 million people in the country, 55 million people watched it, and they watched it at the same time. Exactly. But now you go to a party and people go, I've only watched episode one. So we can't even talk about P did. Right.

So there's no connection whatsoever. I know. We used to get together and watch The Grinch or some shit. Now we've got to watch A-R-P or whatever. Peep, beep, A-R-P. Who's A-R-P? Mispelling, I got dyslexia. R-A-P-E.

So you got to watch that. That's the only way to get the country to give a shit. I know. That in politics. Trump did this. He's tweeting, Biden, sleepy. That's the only way to get the whole group together. But even that, it's so splintered.

Mixed up and wacky. I know, I know. But, you know, I notice I'll watch a movie. I watch Castaway with the wife, and we had a great time. And I'm like, this movie's 25 years old, or whatever it is. I think 25, yeah. Yeah, and you're like, we couldn't sit and watch a new movie now. It's not the same.

I don't know. It was a great film. It brought you together. It had some emotion, some humor, some anal. Now it's just like, Pete Denny's all scandal. I feel like scandal is the only way to be. get people worked up anymore. It's so hard to watch a movie, too, because I started watching it.

Last night, Sarah was working. I was off. And so I popped on the new link later. There's two new link later. There's one. The theater's Blue Moon. There's the other one, New Val Rove. What do you think? I love it. Oh, great, great. But I can't watch a film anymore. I'm 45 minutes in. I'm like, this is amazing. What's this guy's name again?

I know this one from something. Let me pause. Let me look her up. Oh, I saw her in that. Let me see if she's naked in anything. Let me jerk off real quick. Let me hide the dildo. Let me clean it. Let me put it back under the pillow. And so I didn't even finish the movie. The next thing you know, I'm like, oh, my God, it's 10 p.m. The way it gets up at 5, I got to fucking suck my own dick. You got to go to bed.

Yeah, it's a rabbit hole, a wormhole, a butthole. You know, you go, oh, what's he in? Oh, she's pretty hot. What's she in? Oh, she looks like her. Now you're on an Instagram discover page looking at Norm McDonald's clips. Exactly. And how about this, by the way?

Speaking of suck my own dick, I wrote a sketch that we're going to shoot at some point. Katie left town for a while. We've got to wait until she comes back. But in it. There's like a black dildo, a funny dildo thing. So I went out and I had to buy a dildo. That's fun. Which is fun.

And then I feel the need. I go through with the beads. It's like, gling, and you go through the beads. Yeah. Hi. It's always a hot woman with tattoos. She's like kind of hot. Always.

Always. It has like tattoos and fish net arm for some reason. Yeah. It's the fish net arm. One arm. It's weird. Armed and dangerous. Arm and hammer.

So I go in there. I got the hammer. So I go in there and I'm thinking, I got to buy a dildo for the sketch. But dildos are expensive. I don't know the last time you bought a dildo. No, it's been a minute. So they're like $45.

What? It's just plastic. And they're, I think they're rubber. Ah. You can't have plastic. You wouldn't last five minutes in there. Okay. So I go, I'm like, I don't want to buy,

because you want it to be funny. Sure. The funniest dildo is like a double-sit. double-sided six-foot-long dildo, and I pitched it to Katie Hattigand. She's like, it's got to be a double-sided crazy. Yeah. But that's like 180 bucks. What?

To fuck yourself. Yeah. That's crazy. They fuck you. They fuck you. They can fuck yourself. So, but I'm also like, well, I don't want to never use this. I don't want to spend $200 on just a sketch.

So let me get a dildo that's reasonably sized. So if we want, you tuck it under the bed and you can bust it out every once in a while. Oh, smart thinking. And you can't return a dildo. No. Could you imagine going in there? They're going to sniff it, lick it? They go, what are you crazy?

This thing's used. Well, I have to say, though, it is a plastic package that's easy to open. It's not vacuum sealed. You open it and close it. There's a guy who's watching us. How do you do? Cheers. Oh, God.

We're talking dildos, sir. Come on in. So it does close back up. But like you say, you have to wash it pretty well. Yeah. Because that pussy, it smells on the outside, the inside. That's true. Forget about it.

Yeah, you're inside a human being. It's a cavern of eggs and blood and shit. It's like Luke Skywalker, who he slices open the donkey and gets in there. The Tatooine. I think that's Hoth. Hoth. Look at Seymour Hoffman.

Hoth is the cold planet. Because then there's the family guy joke. He goes, why don't they call it cold? And he goes, I'll be here a week or something. What is the, there's a name for that animal? Rupert, I can't remember. Something he hides in. The lightsaber is what slices it.

Yeah. He had the weird guts. I would never get it. That would be an impressive pull. You could swing that later. Empire Strikes Back Animal name. Opened up. What did I say? That's what I said. That's a planet. But Hoth is where that happens because Hoth is the ice planet.

I see. Oh, Tantuan. All right. I said Tantuan. But Tantuan is a planet, I think. What, they use the same name twice? Am I crazy? But maybe Tatooine is a planet Tattoine's a planet

Or a black woman I met So what is there There's an animal called Earth Is a planet called Earth? You know what I mean? Earth went in fire I thought Tatooine was one of the planets I haven't watched Star Wars since 1985

But doesn't it feel like he ran out of ideas The Tantuan is the crazy animal And Tatooine is the planet? Yeah, is that the planet name? Planet Tatooey, no N. Good planet. Sorry. Okay, there you go.

What the hell is that? Wow. Lucas sucks. Come on. Tantuan. That's crazy. Jesus. Get out of here. Lucas.

Get some creativity, will you? Yeah, we're going to Mars, and I'm going to ride a Mars. Marsup. Yeah. That's crazy. So I go and buy the dildo. Pluto is a dog and a planet, by the way. That's true.

Uh-huh. So I bring home the dildo and I show it to Sarah. She's like, eh. And I'm like, well, this way we could use it if we want. She's like, it's not funny. You need a big dildo. Oh, she's going not funny. I thought you meant an animal like that's not going in me.

No, no. I think she'll put anything in her. But she's like, you got to get a funnier dildo. And I'm like, yeah, I was worried about that. And you know you know something. Yeah. And you hope no one else will say anything. 100%.

So then next day, glittloing. I got to go back. I'm back to the dildo store. Oh, double dildo. And it's the same lady. And I go, hi. Oh, it's the tattooing. So now it looks like I shove that thing in my ass.

Right. I was like, sorry, that didn't do the trick. Well, at least you got a bit out of this. Yeah. And so the thing I, the one I ended up buying is called Big Billy. Oh, Billy Club. And this is a nine inch dilded. And still, they have the double-sided torpedo thing.

Yeah. But Katie said, but I can't spend $175 in a double-sided dildo for a sketch. for a sketch. Maybe you're going to go fund me going. So now I got to go fuck me. So now I got to go see if this nine-inch dildo, it's funnier, and maybe my wife might want a giant. I don't know if you want to test those waters, Faddy, because then she's a changed woman

after that thing. Yeah, there's no coming back. She's got to run off with Seton Smith. Yeah, I mean, she'll run off with Billy. Billy the club. Billy the kid. Big Billy. And by the way, they have a 10-and-a-half inch or two.

Like some women have massive cavernous cunts. There's a real size queen epidemic because, you know, Greg Fitzsimmons, the former guest, he's always like, I fuck my wife, she loves it, but my ex-girlfriend dumped me because of the hog. Too small. Too big. That's what I'm saying. Like some women are like, this is a hell of a nice hog, and then some women are like, this is too much. Oh, I see. So I think the vaginal canal varies.

Right. From dong to dong. Well, now I got two black dogs under my bed. Do you put them on the mantle like guns? That's not bad. Uh-huh. Well, one, icky mantle. One of them is...

Hey, there's the title. We are hot today. Well, one of them, the first one, is literally the exact size of my dick. Like, it's the same everything. So I just have, like, a black version of my dick. So you got a stunt double. It's a stunt cock. It's basically like if Netflix made your dick.

Oh, Jesus, Marcus. What the... How the hell was that? I had some fuel. Fuel. Give me fuel. Give me fire. Give me that.

What's that. Cool. Man. Oh, man. Oh, you'll tank. Hularyl tank. Hularyus tank. But yeah, you got a stunt cock.

And if Netflix made a movie about your dick, it'd be black. Yeah, that's not bad. That is a stinky ass. Stinky ass. Literally stinky ass. Yikes. So anyway, so now I got two dildos. We'll shoot the sketch at some point.

Wow. It's probably not even funny. And I might have to go back for a third dildo because I'm like, it still is funnier. And you know when Katie Hannigan's like, you need a double-sided dildo. Yeah. But I don't think they know how expensive these things are. I had no idea. I figured it was like a nickel if it was a buck because it's plastic or rubber.

It's a lot. And you know what's funny? There's the old adage, the old wives tale that when you go to Burger King, they say, you want fries with that? They say, do you want lube with that? Oh. When you order two days in a row, same lady. They go, you want lube with that?

And I go, no, I got plenty of lube. I make my own at home. You got to get lubed, though. Lube has saved my ass. Wait a minute. That sounds bad. Lube has saved my dick many times. We're all lube all the time.

And don't get me wrong. Occasionally, I'll go down there and lick it up, you know, and then that's fun. Lick it up. That's natural. But lube is always good to have. It's just easy, especially my wife is 78. Sure. It's Sahara.

Sahara, Tolabash. Hey, that's good. I think we are hot today. Can I just say, I guess. I got to get more caffeinated. Maybe it's no Chuck. Maybe Chuck's holding us back. That's dead weight.

Yeah. That's also Rupert's fan. Plus, Lex is also further away. Chuck's right up on our grill. Yeah, yeah, bar and grill. Mm-hmm. Hey, folks, Tuesday's story is brought you by Prize Picks. Oh, yeah.

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to see if he's dead. And so, you know, he gives you the call. Adam Ray, he's an L.A. cool guy. He's the best. He's a great dude. He's fun. He's awesome. He's nice. He's like, hey, man, you know, I knew you on the last one.

And you go, when is it? And he goes, it's the 16th. And you go, that's a Tuesday. I got the baby. You got shows. You got to be in New York during the week because we're gone on the weekends. Right. So the week is all you have.

And not to mention, it's cross-cunt. Yeah. So you're like, God damn, it's not like I'm popping into D.C. or Philly. It's like, La La Land. So you're like, oh, and he goes, I'll fly you out first. I'll put you up. That's wonderful. That's great, but it's not even about that. It's about this, the getting back. Right.

So I go, all right, I'm in. It's the last one. And you know what the thing is? Once you do it and it comes out a month later, you go, oh, yeah. You don't have to think about the flight and the anal and the hemorrhoid. Everything. All that stuff goes away. I had this this morning. We had the big brunch the whole day. I'm like, I've got to go to this brunch. I got to leave the brunch. I got to get here.

I'm going to hustle here. I got to hustle back because Sarah has something. I got this private gate. And then once you're out the door in the coat, you go, wait, what do I have to do? I just have to eat. Right. And then come here? Right.

Do a show? I'm already almost done with all the stuff. But there's a little mental, too, because you go, where is it? What street? That's the part that kills me. It's not the actual movement. It's the, we got to find, what door is it? And you've got to figure it out.

And you've got to find the other person. and texting, you know, way and this thing and that thing, what time is that? And then I was like, what time is Santa? Is it last? Is it this? Am I going to take the D train? I got to get here.

Exactly, exactly. And it's also, this is where we have to be kind to ourselves. It's evolutionary. This is like from caveman time. The reason you don't want to leave your house, your brain, we're fucking cavemen. Your brain is like, don't go out there. A saber-tooth tiger's going to r-me and film it and play at a party.

And it's cold. I might freeze and freeze. and starve. Yeah, that's why when you're home, your brain is like, stay here, we're safe. Exactly, exactly. Especially this fucking city. You know, the guy got stabbed at Macy's like two weeks ago.

Well, you guys had another shooting right out here. Is that right? Yeah, last week. Big shooting. What movie? I don't know. I think it was just right out in the straight, right, they said your name. Oh, nice.

It was like outside of Norman's house. Boom, boom, boom. All right, well, shit. I'm glad I got a shout out. But, yeah, they had a stand. stabbing, so I'm sure Macy's needed this brunch to really kick things back off again. Wow, Macy's stabbing.

Yeah, give it a goog if you haven't seen it. But this city's in turmoil, baby oil. So, go to L.A., you get the first class, it's pretty great, that Delta 1. Unbelievable. It's something nice. And you get your own entrance at the airport.

That's what I'm saying. It's sweet. And that lounge is bananas. So, Norman Parker, that's his... Oh, yeah, yeah, I know Norman. His point man or whatever you call it, his logistics, flights, that guy. And Jack Fink. Fink's his manager, yeah, Fink's a good egg.

Love Fink. So, Norman goes, hey, man, I know there's a lot for you. I got you a black car at L-A-X to the hotel, which that is the biggest. If I ever hit it big, if I hit the jackpot and ride the ponies come in, black car, that's what I'm going. I'll come, but I've got a car to get a car to the airport from the airport. I think you're doing better than Adam Ray, but keep going. Well, you ever go to that L-A-X Uber?

You've got to take a bus to a shuttle to a prop plane, to a boat, to a raft. It's fucking horrible. Yes. And talk about evolutionary. Talk about thinking. When you get out of L.A.X, you're like, what? Where? Do you ask a guy?

He goes, fuck you N-Word. You're like, goddamn. All right. Shit. You got a vest on. And he's like, go over here, go over there, go up, go down. And you're like, I didn't get any of that. And you got to ask another guy.

It's a whole thing. This is the thing with LAX, and I've had this too. And, you know, Delta Diamond, I get upgraded, flying to Cleveland so I can get Diamond. You get upgraded. So you're flying Delta One, you get your own entrance. You're flying in a mattress the whole way. I'm in REM sleep. I got a black big billy in my ass.

Sure. Then within 30 seconds of landing, I'm on a shuttle bus. Right. With my suitcase. And I'm like, I was just first class guy a second ago. And now I can't balance. I'm falling on a wheelchair. I have AIDS.

I know. And I can already hear the cum guzzlers going, these fucking assholes talking about Delta 1, like a bunch of piece of shit. Then they got a bitch about a bus. It's the thinking of it. I got to get on a bus and go, huh, is this right?

Is this the exit? You're asking people? And he's like, I'm from Nigeria. You're like, come on. Where am I going? Well, and it's the juxt position. The juxt position, yes. Of going from, because, you know,

back in the day, I was in a middle seat in row 575, LGBTQ, LGBTQ. So I already was sitting like this. So I'm on the butt. But now I'm eating caviar out of my mother's asshole. And now I'm driving the bus. Yeah, you're Batman.

So yeah, so that is a bitch. So that car is a fucking lifesaver. Thank you, Parker. You're a fucking Mitch. Let's lunch. And I got the car right to the hotel and had this one. You ever just, you know, the baby, the shows, the pods? I get in that black

car. And the guy goes, you're good? How's the temperature? And I went, oh, how? I just fell asleep in the car. And I woke up and he's like, hey, we're here. And I was like, oh, sorry. I was truly holding myself. I had a boater.

And you're like, oh, God, that's when you know you're burning the candle at both dicks. Well, that's the other thing about L.A. You land in L.A. You feel like, if landed, I made it to L.A., and then you've got to get in the shuttle bus to the lift thing. Then it's six and a half days before you get to Hollywood. I know. It takes forever.

It's all back roads. All traffic. Traffic. There's bad traffic in L.A. You heard it here first, folks. Thank you. And homeless. But anyways, I still love it.

And everyone talks about what's the one, Burbank. I've never flown to Burbank in my life. I did it once. John Wayne. No, Bob Hope. Bob Hope. John Wayne is the one in Orange County. What's that?

Irvine. Irvine. That's John Wayne. Oh, wow. I never did that one. No, me either. But yeah, Bob Hope is, I don't know that a comedian, an airport named after a comedian. That's pretty good.

like a Cat Williams air. You know? Cosby's Air. You'll get a nap. So yeah. So I get the, you get to the hotel, you shower up, you're like, all right, I made it, I'm here, let's have a great show. Now here's where I got fucked.

So you got the whole flight to think about everything. I watched a movie. I watched some horse shit. And then now I have three hours to kill. So I go, let me hit the gym. I got the baby at home. You never get that alone time. Right.

So I put a pot in. I hit the gym. and I just start walking around L.A. Taking it all in, got stabbed, did heroin, you know, transitioned. And then you kind of start thinking like, I hope the show's good. I hope I do all right.

The more time I have, the more in my head I get. Right, of course. And it's evil. It's just you've got a bomb. You've got a bomb. You've got a bomb. And you go, what are you doing, man? But that's what my head does.

Well, Adam Ray is a tough show. Dr. Phil's a tough show. And we've talked about this with these live pods. You have no ammo ready. Yes. I have a stand-up show. I've done the joke 7,000 times. I've been on the road doing them twice a night.

And I'm like, he's hit. And if they don't hit, something's gone wrong. Right, right. But a live pod, sometimes Dr. Phil goes, hey, you ever have a weird dream? And you go, no? I know. You got 2,000 people staring at you. And you're like, fuck me, hard.

I know. I like when he does a game or a visual or a crowd, something I can use. Right. But if he just goes, how's the baby? You're like... I fucked him. He's retarded. He's black.

You know, you gotta think of something, but you got nothing. So, you know, you don't want to go, he's in the car. We've all done that one. Yeah, yeah. So you go, ah, I got nothing. Then they're staring at you. They go, this guy's not funny. And you go, ah, I'm a writer.

Right. But whatever. So now I get to the show and I go, shut up, you dumb, douche. I get to the show. You go in the green room, there's food. I'm chatting with everybody. In walks. Take a wild guest celebrity walks in the green room.

room. Wayne Knight. No, I wish. Celebrity in the green room. Comedian? No. I'm talking celebrity. This ain't fucking, oh, Dane Cook's here.

Oh, Seinfeld's here. This is like movie star. Now, my head is saying Tom Hanks, but that's not right. This is a trick to get multiple guesses. I'm thinking Tom Hanks, but that's not right. That's true.

It's not. Not Dustin Hoffman. He's too old. This is any of the guy that gets nine guesses? Dustin Hoffman, not Merrill Streep, certainly. Michael J. Fox. Ah, wow, all right, you're really shaking things up, but no. Sidney, Sweeney.

Oh. Arguably the girl. Oh, that's the tit with the jeans. Tittler, I call her. The hottest girl, and I mean like hottest is in talked about looks, tits, canceled, not canceled, buzz about her. just the it girl. She's there.

She is in the green room. And I'm like, I was already in my head before. Then you see her and it hits, you feel like this big, tiny dick. And you go, high school, I couldn't get late,

I'm ugly, she's hot, she's cool, I'm not, she's popular, I'm gay, you know, you just start doing that whole thing

and you just go, I'm all in here. Now what's she doing? What's her deal? Why is she there? Does she know Adam? Because he's a hot man. Yeah, he's a married guy

His wife is very cute But I didn't even know he's married Oh yeah Oh yeah So he wears the fill mask and fucks her So he's there I think he knows Pooper Braun

Or whatever than a boyfriend's name is Scotty Pippin Something like that I know it's so little now Yeah he's like a hot Record producer guy Gordy Berry Mopi Doopi

I can't remember saying But He's there with her and he's apparently a fan of the Phil. And how does she look? What is it? Scooter Brown. Oh, I think I've heard that name before. Scooter, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter. So, she's there and you're just like, and you're like, what am I doing in the room with her?

You just, you just, I don't. She's just a lady. I know, but I got the self-esteem. I don't see a celebrity and go, holy shit, I've got to get a photo. I go, oh, that's a real star. Wow. Well, she's got massive cans, right? And she's been eating out. I know that in a TV show. Yes, yes. Euphoria. Euphoria, which I got to dabble in because every time someone mentions it, it's like it's kids' 69. It's a life hack to watch kids fuck. Wow. Yeah. Euphoria. That's, I'll do that today. Euphoria. I for you. So now in my head, so then it's the hottest crowd.

Adam goes out, rips it, Harlow Williams. I don't, shit, I shouldn't be saying who's on it. But everybody rips it up, and I went out there, and you know when you're like out of body, I walk out and I'm doing this, like, hey, everybody, and I'm watching me from here do that. Right, right, of course. I'm not doing that. A guy is doing that. A body is doing that. I'm going, there's me.

Right. I'm having that moment, and it's a will turn theater. It's like thousands of people. They're all going apes shit. And what I do when I'm not feeling when I got the mental block, I just go wildly offensive. Yeah, that's fine. I don't want you to be the edge lord quiff. You got nothing clever.

So you just go like, I was like, Rob Reiner. And he's like, Jesus Christ. The crowd's like, oh. And then in my head, I'm like, what are you doing? Stop it. Then I'm like, Bondi Beach. I got offensive Tourette's. Oh, boy.

And it was bad. And he's like, yeah, Bondi, what about it? I'm like, it was good. You know, I got nothing. So, yeah, the. There was all these agents there and they saw me after. So then... That's the problem with the L.A. show.

I know. Everybody was there. Sidney, Sweeney. So... Did you talk to Sydney? No, I didn't go nearer. The restraining order. So then, now I hit the booze hard.

This is my classic pattern. I hit the sauce because you got to wipe the shame off. Soss it up. Sauce! So I wiped the... I hit the sauce. And then Adam goes, there's a big after party. What time's your flight?

And I go, my flight's at 710, which means you've got to be there at 610, which means you've got to leave the hotel at 520 because it's L.A. Yeah, yeah, sure. Well, that hour at least is a little not too bad. Oh, that's true. Like 5 in the morning, L.A. is not too bad, especially when you're going from Hollywood to the airport. That's a little bit easier. Yeah, but not great. Weather and traffic in the morning.

So then I go, okay, you're an asshole. You bombed the last show. You flew out here to bomb. You made a fool of yourself in front of tits. you're done in this business every agent's there just go to bed wake up

you're gonna get you gotta wake up go on the flight and go straight to the botanical garden winter wonderland with your son so I go

okay I do shots I get home at 4.30 I know I fucked up I do shots till 430 I have to wake up at 530 do you see Sidney there no

Oh, God. I pictured her and I talked to her in my head. I did a pep talk in the bathroom. And I get to the hotel at 4.45. I'm like, the room is spinning. I'm puking up jizz. My asshole hurts. I conk out.

I fall asleep on the couch in the hotel room. Not even the bed. It's a nice hotel, though. Couch. Yeah, pretty nice. Full clothing, shoes on, retain her in, Billy in my ass. Who told you put the bottom on? I get up, I put water on my face, and I just get an Uber, and I go right to the airport.

People are like, hey, comedy. I'm like, ah. I'm like Dan Aykroyd in trading places in the Santa suit. I'm like, ah. I get on the flight, fly in, I sleep from take off to take down. And I get out of the fucking... I go right to the... It's a flight 93?

I wake up, I go, ah, I get the whole Uber situation. By the way, JFK, there's only one place that can Uber you. You have to get a shuttle. We don't have to get that in again. And I get to the Winter Village, an hour and a half of traffic, make it to the Winter Village. And now she's like, where are you? Where are you? And I'm like, I'm just sitting in traffic.

I'm hung over. I hate myself. And I'm running through the Winter Village. And it's just like... Do you have a suitcase? Yeah. And all these silent night. There's carolers.

I'm pushing them out of the way. I'm kicking Mrs. Claus. I'm uppercut and an elf. And I found him under a big, lily pad of lights and I'm like, here we are. Dad's here. And the kid goes, ah. And it's just, it was like out of a movie. Oh, Jesus. Good time. So I had to get that out. Oh, boy. So don't start drinking. Yeah. I won't. Well, what can you do? I mean, well, first of all, the mind thing, you got to get out of your head because I know this episode's going to come out

and every single comment's going to be like, Norman killed. He's the greatest. This is the best. I mean, Rob Reiner's son killed. I'm going to say, oh, my God, that was the best. There's going to be a whole Reddit thread. Mark said he bombed, but he killed. YouTube's going to say he's the man. I wish. I'm telling you.

But what's the trick, Jerry? How do you get out of your head? Because you got a fucked up, Noggin. Look at that five head. I'm in the head. I don't know. I mean, I don't put that much. You go, okay, well, hopefully it goes well.

Yeah. And then I'm walking around worried that AI is going to take us over. We're all going to be dead and have no jobs. I think that's kind of healthier. Because at least you think about something else. I guess so. You're not attacking your own brain. I mean, I do that too, I suppose.

I don't know. You just go, oh, yeah, that's just my anxiety. What are you going to do? Yeah, well, somebody told me if you say how you're feeling out loud, you feel better. Name it to tame it. Well, I try that. It did not. There was no taming.

I was walking around backstage going, I'm nervous. I'm scared. I hope this goes great. I don't think it will. Then some guy goes, you all right? I was like, oh, shit. Sorry, I was in there with the brink. fucking janitor. Well, but this is

the thing, you just said, that's this part of my process. When's the last time you did a show where you bombed all the way through and it had a horrible negative effect on your career? Probably the jelly roll roast. What negative effect did it have on your career? It's not even a blip.

The other comics go, ugh. Yeah, that's nothing. All right. I mean, you're killing it. You're still selling tickets. You're still writing material. You're hanging out with Jerry. You got Jerry on the pod. So all these things You don't have to lift me up

I appreciate it I'm not trying to lift you up I'm telling you keep these things in mind I'm saying it's an irrational fear Sure it is irrational Because it's all irrational You never You'd never had this thing

That you're worried about Oh my God I'm gonna bomb so hard I'll have no career left And they'll kick me out of society It's not even close to happening I guess so But it's a personal thing I mean it's I'm saying

This is how you counteract that Sure What are you going to do And you say This is part of my process. Sarah says this all the time. She's like, I haven't written a new joke and six months. I feel like I haven't come up with anything funny.

And I'm like, you have been saying that once a week since we started dating 15 years ago. And you've put out three specials. There you go. So that's part of your process. I guess so. I'm talking about this with Goldman. In Torgasim, Gary Goldman's like, I just feel like I'm never going to write another funny bit again. Yes, same.

And he has been arguably the best comedian in the world since that time. Yeah. In my opinion. By the way, I saw it the other day, I didn't get a great greeting. See, a great, a bad greeting, I'll really mess your head out. That's what's in my head. I'm like, well, it's over from Bozo. B-O-Z-O.

Nobody likes me. I got that, too, by the way, don't you worry. But no, I have it all. I mean, I have it all the time. We're making this Skank Fest talk, and I'm like, who am I kidding? I can't do it. I'm watching the footage. I'm like, I can't figure this out.

It's too much footage. My father's gay. Is that imposter? Is that what that is? Imposter sin? Is that something else? I think there's something like, that.

Because it sounds like, hey, I'm not good to know who am I to make a doc, who am I to write a new Joe, it sounds like a little... But here's the other thing that Alan would say and does say, he's like, you're saying this like, oh, I hate myself, I have no confidence, I'm in my head, but obviously you have a tremendous

amount of confidence, or else you wouldn't have done any of the stuff. You say yes to the gig. I said yes. So obviously there's an amount of belief in yourself and confidence that you're like, I'll do it. Yeah. I'll go do it.

I have enough confidence to do it. Right. But not to get out of my head. Right. But I'm just saying so you can look for that. Oh, there's May. Hey. I assume the baby also.

Oh, there's the baby. Oh, there we go. Boy, they took a while. See, I couldn't have gone. I guess you could have left early. I could have left when I left. That's true. I'm sure they went and did things.

Oh, he looks better. It looks a little less. Sickly. Who's she saying by to? Sarah come? I don't know. What's the hell she's talking to? She never comes.

She does now with Big Billy. But I'm saying you just remind yourself of this that, like, obviously I have some amount of confidence because you've done all the things. Sure, sure. I mean, there's so there's confidence in there. It's in there, but I wish I knew how to get it out. I wish I knew how to get it out when I needed it. Right. I even had an Allen conversation in my head backstage.

Like, Alan would go, I'm going to go, I can't think of anything funny. He's going to go, but you will. And I go, how do you know? It goes, because you're funny. You would always say that. You cannot not be funny. Right. Well, we'll see.

But I appreciate it. But yeah, it's a real problem with me. I don't know what my deal is. I'm going to go to the comments and I'm going to look and it's going to say, hey, well, this was great. He's great. Norman's the fastest. He's the best. He's the quickest.

That's what's going to say. I'll bet money on it. Well, you know, it's funny. I was in L.A. And I saw all the agents of the managers and it was all people you shot down. Yeah. So I went up to and I go, hey, you lost list. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm joking. I have that, too, with all these managers and the. stuff. My agent's like, well, let them down gently. I'm like, let them down. What are you talking about? They're dodging a bullet. I don't have to deal with my stupid ass. Dush's door is brought by Huell.

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One word. Tuesdays 15. New customers only. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting the show. All right. We all hate each other. We all hate ourselves. We all hate everybody.

You got that right, Fannie. It's hard out there for a player. And a pimp. And a Jew. Oh, boy. Wow, they're having a tough go. Yeah, they certainly are. I came up with a conspiracy theory.

Yeah. I've never been a conspiracy theorist, but I'm going to get involved. Oh, it's about time. Here we go. Here's my conspiracy theory. All of the conspiracy theories that Jews are responsible for everything bad in the world is having a negative effect on Jews. Whoa.

All the biggest podcast hosts being like, the Jews killed Charlie Kirk. That's causing a problem for the Jews. Yeah, that's my conspiracy theory. This is wild. I would also argue that, you know, we talk about all these groups, these minorities, they have a target on their back or this country is systemically, I would say the Jews have a target on their back, forehead, and nose. Yeah.

Well, I mean, they get shot every 10 seconds. They're at Bondi. They're getting shot to the windows of their homes. Brown University was apparently a brown. Yeah. And why don't we do the Jew hashtags? Yeah, well, people, I mean, every comment on every thing. And I went here one time was like, well, anti-Semitism is getting crazy.

Like, you motherfucker, you piece of shit. I'm like, all right. Well, you know, my saying, everything is the opposite. everything they're telling you is probably the opposite. This group's being held down. You're like, well, I'm looking at the numbers. They're actually being propped up. Or are this group's in trouble?

Actually, they're doing great. You know, whatever it is. Right. And everything's the same with the Jews. The Jews run everything. They haven't made. They're great. You're like, they're miserable.

They're scared. Right. Well, I'm straight. Huh? I said, I'm straight. The opposite. That's a joke. Gay is the joke.

I see. I forgot to tell you about this last week, by the way. All right. Aruba. I had the worst heckler of hand. Oh. I would say 20 years. Oh, wow.

I'm excited because I... Heckles, the worst kind of heckle is an innocuous heckle. If somebody goes, hey, small mouth, weird dick, forehead. You go, I got to come back for that. Right. But if they go, yeesh, or oof, or next. Yeah, well, I had something similar to that. Okay.

Well, who was, you listen to podcast, Lex. Who just had the one Bobby was telling the story. Somebody was on stage, the guy went flop. Oh. Who was that? Did you listen to that? It was on the regs. See, that's what I'm talking about.

He was talking about it in the regs. I think maybe it was Danny Braff. It might have been Danny Braff. Somebody was on stage. The guy went flop. That was me. Flop is hilarious. It's not even like a comedy term.

It's like a movie term, but to just say that to somebody. But you get it. It's flop sweat. This bell. belly flop. Flop is never good. Flip flop. Never good. Right. Flop is bad. But anyways, so we're in Aruba and Sarah's on the show. We talked about this last week. So she's going first, then Christine Hurley, who's hilarious. So in the time, Christine's on stage,

Sarah comes back to the hotel. I leave the hotel because we've got the Bambino. He's asleep. So I'm missing the beginning of the show. So Sarah would come to the hotel and I go, how is it? She's like, it sucked. I bombed. I hated here. I hate my life. I hate my husband. Yeah. And she goes, there's a woman to the left just chirping everything, every single thing. She's like, I had to tell her to shut up because it's the whole time. She goes, oh, yeah, oh, that's like us.

Oh, we do that. Uh-huh. That kind of heckle. I know the chirper. So I go, okay, so now I'm going down knowing the crowd sucks. My wife hates me. And there's somebody chirping on the left. Oh, that's a tough combo.

So I'm bullshitting with Ray, Aruba Ray. I go on stage, and the lady's kind of hot. She's got sleeve tattoos. It looks like a little bit white trash, basically. Her husband is wearing those shoes, like black slip-ons, no socks at a nightclub. Like, he's out. Well, it's a roo. It's a beach town.

It's a Ruba, but it's a comedy club, and he has black slip-ons with funky nails. Funky nails. Townails. Wacky, dumb and dumber toenails. And he's like this. That's what he looks like. Just deadpan fucking stupid hair. He looks like that Lou Farigna, you know.

Oh, got it. Not Lou Forigna. The Hulk? No, no, no. Who's Lou, the wrestler? I had the Elastic, the manager with Cindy Lopper. Oh, Vince McMahon. Lou Brown.

Lou. Louie Armstrong. Louis Gomes. Louis-Gomez. Louis C.K. You know what I'm talking about Lou? Lou Lou Levin. He was in the Sydney Lopper video.

All up in the video. P. Did he. Lou. Sweet Lou. Come on, Lex. W.WF. 1985, Lou, Cindy Lopper. Lucifer. Don't make me Google this. Come on, Lexi.

Lexa pro. I'm going to get it. Lex is not a pro today. Wrestling manager, Lou, Cindy Lopper. Yeah, that's it. Lou Albao. Here it is. Is it my landlord? This guy, right here.

Looked like this guy. Oh, wow. I know that guy. He looked like this guy. Here. Old age, Lou Elbano. Can we get a shot of this? Can we, can you see that? I can send it to you too. Looked like this guy. Lou Vega. Looked like that fellow. Lou Elbano in 2009. How did he pull a hot milf wife? Well, he looked something like that. Okay, okay. And she was hot-ish. She had dark hair and light eyes, which I like. Sure. But anyway, so I go on stage and it's old people, whatever. And this fan, first time ever, there's two fans. Wow. They go, hey, we love.

You're the last member of the regs we've seen. So they probably all saw Lewis and Bobby and Soder at fucking some theater. Or a club, more likely. But I go, this is where you're seeing me? Yeah. You're completing the bucket list at a Rube-erase comedy hut. Right, right. So I, you know, do my, hey, my father and I were talking.

Oh, I got a dad. Oh, I'm sure you do. Oh, wow. What a pull. She's got a dad. So that was the other thing. She had her hand, like, on the guy. dick, so I didn't realize she was

the chirpy. So I went, oh my God, this lady's giving her husband a hand job. So I've engaged now. I didn't realize that. And then it's that kind of thing. Well, yeah, anyone here have anxiety? Oh, yeah, my father has anxiety. Okay, well, that's great. Yeah, I went to the doctor. Oh, he went

to the doctor. This guy goes to the doctor. Okay, we all go to the doctor. It's that for eight minutes. Finally, I go... She's a Ruda. Huh? Oh, Aruba. Thank you. A rude awakening.

There you go. Ravitchie Rick Rood. So. Rood boy. She goes, yeah, and finally after 10 minutes, I'm only doing 15 minutes, by the way. Okay. After 10 minutes of this, I go, hey, I'm sorry, you're distracted. You got to knock it off.

And this is getting to be a lot. I've heard about you. And she goes, no, no, I'm helping. Come on. I'm helping. Oh, wow. And I go, you know, and by the way, there was a bunch of shit. I should put this on the Patreon.

I should get the same. from Aruba Ray and put it on the Patreon. Are you kidding me? We got to see this. It was very, very bad. So I go, okay, why don't you quiet down? She goes, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all quiet now. It's like that bit.

I go, okay, great. So anyways, I have a wife. Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that. Ooh, what I'm going to quiet down? Starting now. I go, lady, you got to stop. This is out of control. Jesus, fuck.

Now, I did this analogy. It's like when you're counting money and someone's like 14, 36. 78. She's like doing that thing. So I say that. And she's like, oh, yeah. Is that the best you could do? Yeah. Your wife. That kind of shit. It's getting worse and worse. And Don Gavin is headlining, who's 77 years old, started in 1978. He's a legend. I go, hey, you got, okay, you're doing this thing. Whatever. It's fine. Don't do this during the next guy. He's a fucking legend. He's 77 years old. He's my favorite comic of all time. You got to not do that. Okay. I won't. All right. Ha. I go, is that a deal or what? Okay, that's a deal. Great.

Then she juckles again. And she goes, I'm helping you. You need help. I'm helping you. And she goes, come on, everybody. Clap, clap if I'm helping. Please tell me no one clapped. Nobody clapped.

And then a guy goes, oh, we had talked about guns earlier. And this guy goes, shoot her. Somebody should. He literally did the Jurassic Park line. Shoot her. He literally is doing. They can open doors. Jurassic Park.

He's screaming, shoot. I go, they literally, now I'm fluting in my mind. I'm like, a guy. literally is saying he wants you shot. Shoot her, they're saying. Yes, yes. And she goes, no, I'm helping. Come on.

And I go, fuck. It's fucking bananas. Sandy hooked this coos. That you fucking think these people are on your side. I know. You fucking crazy. I'm like, these people hate you. They literally hate you.

So now I see a rumor ray. He's like, he's like scrambling. Then he tells Christine Hurley's husband, fireman, Jimmy Hurley, he goes, talks to him. He goes, well, you go say something? He's like, me? He's watching the show.

He's like in the crowd. And he's like, I guess. So now a fireman from Boston, a Boston firefighter has to come up and be like, hey, fucking, you can't shut up or I'm going to beat this knot on you. Did he hit her with the hose? No, she's a ho. So I go, what the fuck? She goes, just get off the stage.

Just get off the stage. Wow. Who is this broad? I wanted to kick her head off. And the husband is just staring at me now. And I go, dude, you're looking mad at me, but this is crazy. I'm like, do you not think this is crazy? And now it's weird because he looks like a psycho.

Yeah. And he's not... Lou Elbana. He's not... He shuts down. Then Jimmy goes and yells at her. Jimmy... Jimmy the fire.

Jimmy likes his chicken spicy. So... Jimmy's getting upset. So he yells at her. I do one more joke. I dust it off a joke. I was like, suck it like a man, which is from 2008. Dusted offman.

So I get off the stage and then I'm in the back of the room. I got to order food for Sarah. She's hungry. She wants a salad, whatever. So I order her a salad. And they're like, it's going to be 15. minutes. So now I'm waiting and I'm looking. Now she's mad because she's been spoken to. So now she's doing this. She's upset. She's got her head in her hands and she's just scrolling her

phone, literally crying. She's like this. Wow. And Lou Elbano is next to her like this. Just furious staring at Don Gavin. Don Gavin's killing. Oh good. And you can just see her literally crying while her psycho. And they've talked about how much they love guns. They have guns. I'm going to be fucking shot at some point. Yeah, I'll shoot her. So he's like this. and now Christine Hurley comes up and she's like, hey, I'm not trying to be an alarmist or an asshole, but you're going to get the fuck out of here. Whoa.

I'm like, come on. She goes, no, no, seriously. Like, look at his face. She's crying. He's furious. You can't be here. And we're on a resort. We're there for two more days. Oh, boy. It's an island. So those farts are crazy. It smells like trash that's been doused and vomit. Oh, I had the

heel, the energy drink. Throw the heel out. The heel with the baby water, whatever that's saying is. I don't know. I'm running out of juice. So what happened? Did you shoot her? No. So now I'm waiting on my salad, and I'm like, I'm sorry, can I get that salad to go? And they're like, oh, yes, it's coming, sir. And I'm like, all right. And every time I poke my head in, he's just looking angrier.

And Gavin's only doing 20 minutes. Oh, okay. So I thought about being like leaving and being like, Sarah, you got to eat my cum for dinner. Yeah, offend for yourself. You know, go get your own thing. Eat Billy. And it's a ruby. So there's no security whatsoever. No.

It's just a ruby or gay. What does Ray think? Ray's like, oh, I think you're fine. I don't know. He's like, maybe you're right. Maybe you should get out of here because they seem like just white trash maniacs. I'm like, well, they have guns. They talked about how much they love guns. That was a big part of the whole thing. So it was ugly. And then finally my salad came. And then as I'm getting the salad, the doors over. The show ended. So I tucked it in like Thurman Thomas and just fucking ran up the stairs. And I spiked it on her head. You're Joe, the refrigerator paring. I was like, there you go. Eat your salad. And it was crazy. But get off the stage. got. Damn, this one, too, the shoe. Yeah. Wow.

Now, don't you want to take that broad? Clearly she was a shit-shed-house mouse. Yeah, she was hammered. She was drunk. So you want to take her sober on a Sunday morning and go, look at this video. Look at what a cut you are. What do you think about this? What do you have to say?

She pouts and cries. I know, but no wonder the husband is in catatonic, just a, you've got to shut down after that. He's had years of this. No, it's horrible. and the thing that was so crazy to me, the most mind-blowing thing about it is that 10 minutes into the... And then Christine hated her too.

So everybody hated her. The whole show she was doing this. The whole crowd hated her. They were like booing her and stuff. And then the next day I saw people in line at security, they're going, hey, man, we hated her too. We felt so bad. That lady was awful.

But the craziest part is the whole 20 minutes of my set, she was literally like, come on, Aren't I helping? I'm helping it. Legitimately thought she was helping the show. I know, I know. And you know what's crazy? Now that we have kids, I just picture her as a baby.

How much of a pain in the ball sack must she have been as a kid? Right. Anytime she does, she lights a house on fire. She goes, I'm helping. And then you go, you lit a house on fire. You killed eight people. And she goes, ooh-hoo. You go, it's okay.

It's okay. That's how she gets out of it. Well, I imagine she wasn't a pain at all because her parents didn't even factor her in. That's what was going. on, I think. Maybe. Maybe they diddled her or something. I hope so.

Please, send me the video. But anyway, so that was the big Aruba heckle. That is crazy. And you're like, funny, because years ago, we used to do Aruba, and people would be like, you're doing that Aruba gig? Why don't you just go on vacation? I'm like, well, it's a free vacation. The show's nothing.

Same thing. And now I'm like, we should just go on vacation. Yeah, well, she ruined the whole thing. She's worse than the hurricane. Well, it's one of those things. You have this great day by the pool. And then all of a sudden, you're like, there's a woman going, get off the stage. because you suck, and you're like, why did I do this?

I wish she was Amy Smart. No, Natalie Holloway. Damn it. I got the wrong white brood. Navy Smart. Who was she? She was a girl. She was the...

She was nice. She was pretty. She was in the companions. What's that called? Huh? Will you wear the sash? Yeah. America.

American Idol. Pagent. Pagent. Pagent. Yeah, she was a pageant chick. Natalie Holloway. She was a pageant chick. Natalie Holloway was killed by Vandersluid.

Yes, yes, exactly, exactly. Which, like, ruined the whole island. Exactly. Everybody was like, you can't go to Aruba because of Greta van Sustrin. They all hate her. Because she went down there every day was like Aruba's a hellscape. They steal your kids. Oh, wow.

Well, that might have been Greta. Yeah. Because I hate her. Well, I regret her going. Greta Thunberg. Whenever you go down there, everyone's like, you know, there's a person goes missing every 10 minutes. in Florida. Aruba's had one lady

missing. Yeah, isn't that interesting? Boy, it shows the power of the media. Aruba, great place, by the way, to get rid of a girl. You just go off the coast. You put them on a boat and Trump will bomb them. Well, I know somebody we should put on that boat. That lady? Yes. Absolutely. There we go. Well,

I had a weird one. I don't know how we're looking on time here. I don't want to... Where are we at here? Oh, okay. Well, you give us a weird one and we'll dismissal. I forgot to say this last week as well. So I'm doing the Gillis gig, the gig, and Arena, Phoenix, bad friends are in town. Nice. So they go, hey, Shane, you want to do the pod?

And I go, and he goes, I'm lazy. I don't want to do anything. And they go, come on, do the pod. We're in Phoenix. We might as well knock it out. You're a huge star. We got a huge pod. And he goes, all right, I'll do it.

And he's texting me, like, come do it with me. I don't want to go. I'm lazy. Yeah. But then I'm thinking, well, they don't want me. They would have asked me. Right. And he goes, just come on.

So I go on. I don't think they want to be there. No. Well, in the YouTube, I'm not in the thumbnail. Boy, I've been there. That hurts. I'm not even in the title. Not even like a featuring or parentheses.

Did they say Shane Gillis? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. I got that when I did flagrant with Louie. Oh. They put a black square over my head, the whole podcast. Yeah, right.

You can't even find me in there. I know. Shane's mom got a plug. Or no, Bobby's mom. Well, maybe they have a specialist, an algorithm specialist. Like if you put more than one name or one face, the size, could be something like that. Yeah, but you'd think like, all right, Shane's got a zillion fans. I got eight.

Take my eight. Did they throw it to you at all? Did they say, what do you think, Mark? No, they would lob jokes at Shane, and I would get in the middle of them. and go, hey, what about me? Well, it sounds like it's all over for you, buddy. Based on this episode, I think it's over for Bozo. Dr. Philbom, no thumbnail.

I'm moving to Aruba. I think that's not a bad idea. You made a good push here. You tried your best. Yeah. You had a good run. Yeah. Ah, geez, it's all done.

I had Seinfeld. I peaked. It's all downhill. That's why I poked. By the way, Seinfeld said his worst heckle, did you watch, I'm telling you for the last time, on HBO? Yeah, of course. So did I.

So he told me the worst heck we ever got was he's shooting for HBO, this big special after the show is wrapped, telling you for the last time, suit on, beacon theater walks out and a guy had a blood-curdling scream and goes, Jerry! Vaguely. That was in his bedroom. That's before he got to the mic. So you have to address it. It was like horrific, banshee scream. Jerry! and I knew what he was talking about.

Wow. And how do you start a special? You got to address it. I guess so. Yeah, he said it they edited out of the video, but it's in the HBO one. Oh, okay. So maybe I only watched it on like the DVD or the VHS or whatever. So we got into it because I was like, I remember that.

He goes, no, no, no, no, no, that's not on the CD. And I go, I've heard that. He goes, you never heard that. And I go, I saw it live. And he was like, maybe you heard it, but I doubt it. So we got into it about that. Oh, wow. That's a tough heckle.

Yeah, well, any kind of heckle before you get to the microphone is rough. Yeah, and what do you go? Hey, that's my name. Don't wear it out. You know, that's a tough one. Yeah, it's awkward. And also the heckle response, it takes you out of the thing or away from the things. Yeah, shut your mouth, you fucking asshole.

I know. Then all of a sudden everyone goes, oh, geez, they see a side. Yeah, aside. Yeah. Well, now he gets the Gaza heckles. Side piece. He gets a lot of comment heckles. Oh, my God.

The comments are bananas. but it helps engagement. That's where I'm at. I'm like, hey, it's boosting the algal. Yeah, exactly. Well, we got to put a bow on this puppy. I mean, when does this come out? January, February, March, April May.

I have no idea. I don't know. 2028? Who knows? Well, happy Hanukkah, happy Valentine's Day, and happy St. Patrick's Day. Yes, January 6th. Yeah, so I'm going to be,

I don't know when this comes out. I think Vegas, maybe this is on my phone. Lou Elbato. That's shocking. Scared the shit out of me. January 15th and the 17th, I'm at Wise Guys. That might have passed already. I have no idea. And we take Christmas off, you quiff, so don't get angry.

Well, this is past that. Oh, all right. Sorry about that. Pass gas. January 31st, Atlantic City. I'm coming to Virginia Beach soon. Not the Funny Bone. I think so.

Charlotte. I'm doing Charlotte, the orange peel. That's somewhere. That's a great room. him. That's in Asheville. Asheville. I'm doing the orange. Ashville, Peel, Pekipsy, March 20th of the 21st. I can't figure out why I can't sell out.

Governors? I'm doing governors. I don't even know. June 12th through the 14th. Jesus Christ. Long Island, baby. I had no idea. That's really Alabama. Charlotte, North Carolina, Comedy Zone in Charlotte, January 24th, Atlantic City, January 21st. Oh, here is the real deal. Rio Theater, Vancouver, February 12th, one night only. and then Cobbs in San Francisco, February 13, 14, and 15, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, San Antonio, Texas, March 6 through the 7th. Let's laugh out loud.

And that's enough. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a comedian is available right now. It's $6. $6. $6.000. Fucking 90-minute movie. Go get it. Go along there.

Hell yeah. I don't know when this comes out either, but I know I do come out soon. That'll be Des Moines, Funny Bone. Brea Improv in Irvine County, whatever that's called. Stress Factory in Jersey. That's a nice gig. San Antonio L-O-L-L, Bricktown Comedy Club in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Then I'm in Casino Desert Diamond in Sahawarita, Arizona, Indianapolis,

helium in Buffalo, and Empire Comedy Club in Portland, Maine, which I heard is good. Oh, I love that place. Great room. The only hard thing is the green room is like a sheet. It's kind of there In the closet It's awesome And what's his toes is great

He was at Skank Fest I'll think of his name As soon as we're done talking But he's great Okay well thank you folks We'll see you all in hell Sorry about the Dr. Philip Sorry about the cunty lady

And Aruba Hopefully she gets kidnapped And yeah Sweep it up Get on the Patreon For love of God please We're about to do a couple M You're a podcast listener

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