Tuesdays with Stories! - #638 Statutory Vape

Episode Date: January 13, 2026

Mark goes to sunny Miami and gets an eyeful of hobo on the way! Joe experiences art of the homosexual persuasion. Mark has an ALL-TIME bathroom issue that lasts for - weeks!!! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. We're back. Happy New Year. What are we in May? March? I have no idea. I'd love to be in May. Yeah, me too. It's not easy.

I don't know. What date is it? Do you know, did Chuck tell you? Chuck is gone. Thank Christ Almighty. You got deported. Hallelujah. By the way, you got to love Chuck.

He tries to break it to us. He's like, hey, guys. I'm so sorry. I hate myself. Throw hot coffee in my face. Please forgive me. Would it be okay if Lex filmed? And then we have to be like this.

Oh, geez. Meanwhile, I'm doing cartwheels down Broadway. No, I'm just kidding, Chuck. Hey. Never been happier, Chuck. Take all the days off. Are you kidding? I'll pay you to not come.

There you go. That's what my wife does. Now, are you paid by Chuck, Lex? Okay, all right. All right. As long as we're not doing it, it all works out. Now, we love you, Chuck. We miss you.

We're thinking of you. We wish you were here telling us about all the bitches you're dating and the girls you're fucked and tell him Steve Bob. and all your camera work. You're very talented. The Joker, we get it. I met this one girl. This other girl wanted to fuck me,

but I couldn't fuck her because I was fucking these three other girls. Must be nice. Yeah, it's got to be, must be nice to look like that. Ooh. How are you doing, buddy? I haven't seen you since 1987.

I saw you on Zoom. That was brutal. I was freezing my tits off. God, I hate Zoom. I hate it. I feel like tubing. I want to jerk off. But let me just throw this out there.

Well, the house. The house. We got our nice little pod bathroom over here. That bathroom hasn't worked since day one. Well, that's what I'm getting that, Faddy. So I took a big, fat, smelly dump right before the holidays. I saw it.

Oh, really? I saw it after the holidays. Well, it didn't flush, and it was a whopper. I mean, this was a Christmas goose. I pissed on it. Oh, all right. Well, thank you. Yeah.

That feels like some kind of, like, religious. thing. I think we're like Eskimo twins. Oh, yeah. Or whatever. Yeah, we're bonded now. We're blood, we're poo brothers. So I take this dump. I'm plunging. I'm plunging. It's doing the rise, you know, like Jesus. It's 11, like bread, Harvey Levin. These go to 11. And I'm like, ah, shit. This is not happening. Great show. Good show. So I go, well, I got a flight to Cape Cod. So I got to go. So I just said,

I'll get it when I'm. come back. So I let this turd up to here right on the meniscus of the bowl right on the edge and that turn was twirling like a coin and a wishing well. And

just got back two days ago, still there and now the whole toilet's black. Wait, so this is a different poo. Because there was a poo in here for days last time we recorded. Oh yeah. Yeah. Lex was here. I pissed on a big dirty poo. Oh. So you got that one down.

And then this one came? I think you peed and broke it up. But that toilet is weaker than Biden. You know, I can't even get anything down there. So if you take one turd the size of a cue ball, you're done. That's a big turd. Oh, I guess you're right. A cue ball, big round shit.

A cocktail weeny. There you go. So what happened? Did you get a guy in here? You getting Luigi and Mario? Luigi, and he killed my dad. But, no, I got the plunger. And once it marinated for three weeks.

It smelled. The whole house reeked. The cat died. The neighbors hate us. But I plunged. I plunged. I think it broke up enough over three weeks in that water that it went down. But the problem's not solved, Jerry. None of the problem is solved. I'm just saying the whole bowl is black because it's been stained. But don't you think it might clog again?

Because it's been clog since the 80s. I'm sure it'll clog again. That thing clogs every week. But I'm just saying if you see a black bowl, that's why. That's what that is. All right. So I got to, when I piss at the end, because last time I was here, I went to the third floor to piss. And I didn't know you had a cleaner here.

And I was shitting, and I heard boxes moving. I was shitting with the door open with a hard on. I was stiffing the cat's asshole. And all of a sudden, I heard papers shifting. Really? Would she go through my notes? Possibly. Someone should.

So then, yeah, I freaked out. You always got somebody in the house snooping around. Yeah, well, this lady of my. She'll just hire people. She hires a cleaner, a babysitter, a hooker, whatever. The nanny and I are besties, by the way. She's a good egg, that nand. Great egg.

Great egg. I don't know where she's from, and I don't ask. Well, she can hear us, too, we learn from your mother. I'm still shaking about your mother. Wow, she's an ice queen. That was one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I think about it literally every single day. I was telling Mad.

She was like, Mark didn't tell me that. It's the worst thing that's ever happened in my life. I'm trying to black it out. I literally was like, I don't want to talk to your mother. Fuck your mother. You're going to make me go say hello to your mother. And then we walked upstairs and she's like, I can hear you. No, she said I heard every word.

I heard every word. Even worse. Ooh, that's the worst thing you want to hear from your mom. Because it's never good. It's never like, man, I love my mom. She's a sweet lady. I heard every word. No, it's like I put it in her ass.

She jizzed in my face. And then I called the police and the Cups Scout blew me. Should I call her? Should I send her a letter? No. Oh, God, no. All right. Don't call.

I'll kill myself. Maybe text. I'll shoot her a text. Mm-hmm. Well, I'm glad the toilet's down. I'm excited to see the Black Bowl. That's a Harlem venue, I think. Black Bull. Folks.

Woo. I don't know how to get into this. I got all kinds of stuff to talk about. Let me just throw this out real quick. Yeah, I want the whole vacation. I saw this, the gayest movie of all time, and I don't know if it's because I'm a dad or if I'm divorced or what's going on. Gayest movie. Stranger Things?

I'm a strange by the lake. I, well, it's not that gay, but it's gay. Song, sung, blue. You know about song sung blue? That's gayer than the Lemon Party. That's gayer than, uh, boys. You ever see that? I don't know if I saw boys.

I saw boys don't cry. That's pretty gay. Yeah. But yeah, Boys was about a bunch of dudes at Fire Island, really lapping it up. Oh, I saw boys in the hood. Domino, motherfucker, what's happening? Not gay. Black Bull.

What's up, cuss? Well, I saw Song Sung Blue, which sounds like an offensive Asian accent. Song Song Blue. Oh, yeah. Song Song Blue. I like that. Hot to go you! Forever in Brew jeans!

So I went and saw it and... Sweet Caroline. I saw the... Well, we were going to go see Marty Supreme, which everyone's saying, Oscar Buzz, the greatest film of all time. You got to see Marty. My son's name's Marty. That's a little smoking a cigarette. You never see people just smoking.

smoking cigarettes anymore. I like it. It's a good look. I think it's going to come back. Better than the gay vapes. Hate the vape. Why does everyone have to vape from the side? Statutory vape. Well, anyway, so we're going to go see Marty's Supreme, but it's two and a half hours long. My parents are watching the babies of the year. Like,

I don't want to be gone four hours, the whole thing. And it's heavy. Oh, it's heavy. So let's go see Song Sung Blue. I love Neil Diamond. I like Hugh Jackman. I love Kate Hudson. She's cute. And so we said, let's go.

It's a 9.30 a.m. film. I didn't even know you could do that. You go to a lot of these. Well, I go to morning, but never 9.30. 9.30 is crazy. That's like basically work hours. You're going, you're clocking in at this movie theater. Oh, we clocked in, baby.

I'm Dynasty Supreme, but I want to hear about Song Song, Sung, Blue. We cropped in, get there. By there was a snow squad. We went to the Randolph Cinema. Old Cinema. Randolph. We call it Matapandolph.

Matapan. We call Murder Pond. I think I've talked about this before. Massachusetts great with town nicknames. I think your son just died. That was a butt plug. We have Matapan. They call murder pan.

Sure. And then there's Satin Hill. Savon Hill used to be called stab and kill. Oh, I love it. But now the gays took over, so now we call it Satin Hill. Also good. Then there's Charlestown is Crime Town. Stoughton is Stochigul.

Stoch. Like Portugal? Portugal. It's all Portuguese. I love it. Stochigal. And then what else you got? Oh, you got a Slumberville.

Slumberville is another big one. That's a classic. And what was the other one I just said? Matt of Pandolf. You got anything for Southie? Southie's just Southie. I mean, that is a nickname. I guess that's true.

Yeah. It's South Boston? Yeah. Okay. Boy, yeah, Beantown is good. There's somebody with that region. You're good with words. It's all Irish and it's a lot of puns and wordplay.

A lot of puns, a lot of wordplay, a lot of fun stuff. Trying to think of other stuff. Yeah. Well, I went to Della Sal high school, which is a Catholic high school, but it was a big drug, you know, a lot of white kids doing drugs there. And we called it, it was Della Sal, we called it Della drug. Oh, deal a drug. Oh, that's fun. Then there was Dominican, which was all the whores, and we called them Duman I can.

Dominican. So we had a couple of those, too. So you guys aren't so good at it, but they're okay. Duman, I can. That's pretty good. It's okay. Two men, I can. Dominican.

Now, how about the big Boston College, Boston University rivalry? BC, they chant sucks to be you. Oh. Sucks to be you. That's one of the great sports chance of all time. That's big. I remember the seniors got manure and they wrote seniors are the shit. I thought that was pretty good.

Where did they put the manure? All over the football field for the senior prank. Seniors are the shit in manure. Oh, okay. I like that. But they put it on their own football field. Well, they were leaving. They're seniors.

I see. Senior citizens. I was thinking they put it on the rival. You know, the greatest rivalry prank of all time. No rival? We weren't that good. Okay. No one thought about us.

The greatest trick of all time. Maybe I've talked about this before. I don't know. We've been doing this show for a long time. The Harvard... I forget if it was Harvard did it to Yale. I think Harvard did it to Yale. Okay.

This is like in the 50s. Maybe you could look this up, Lex. There was a guy from Harvard. You know, these are smart kids. Sure. Fuck up some smart kids. There's Harvard kids, they penetrated somehow. The Yale, whatever you call it, production team or the color guard.

You know, there's the people that do shit. The AV? Audio video. People who do shit. What do you say when you see things? Who are you talking about? The newspaper? The people that do the...

The events? Events. Teams. They somehow penetrated the events or shit. Wow. And they handed out these cards. You know, sometimes you hold up a square, but if 40,000 people do it, you can make a picture or spell something. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, yeah.

You spell it like Go Jets or something. Exactly. But each person is just holding a white square or a square with a green line through it. You can't tell what you're holding. Oh, this is big. So they penetrated it. They pretended to be Yale. They had the big Y on their tits.

And they gave out these cards. So at halftime, at the big game, Harvard versus Yale, the entire. higher Yale student union student section held up a square and it spelled out Yale sucks. Oh my God. How did they orchestrate that? That is unbelievable. Well, they're Harvard. They made the nuclear bomb and good old hunting.

They know what they're doing over there. But that's up there. Yale did it to Harvard. Okay. And they wrote Harvard in the 40s. 2004. This is before the internet and all that. They could really get crazy back then.

That's crazy. It's kind of like the Mossad. beepers. They had to get beepers into whatever town that was. Where was that? Gaza? Jerusalem or Santa Claus. They had to get them to use beapers sign up. Cops 911 or whatever the fuck.

Boobeless. And then they had to get comfortable to get familiar with their beeper and then blow it up. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. The Jews and the Harvard's, they're good. Well, they're kind of one in the same. Are they not? Maybe. I'm not sure there's Jews. I think there's some Asians over there.

Whatever's going on. That's a prank. That's a prank. I mean, to get in, that guy, it's said that that guy didn't get any money for that or any fame, whoever did that. Yeah. And I'm saying guy, because that's no ladies thinking about that. No. That's a dude, but that guy should be

put on a pedestal. A mountain, a statue, a plaque. A bust. Thank you. I'm busting. How crazy that your nanny just listens to this for two hours, and then you've got to go up there and be like, so, how's you doing? She's a Patreon member. She's a fan.

She's on board. Well, so anyways, we went to see Song Sung Blue, and I mean, we just thought this will be light and fun and some music I like. I'll tell you, that Edward Cizahan's here making me cry. Song Sun Blue. Hugh Jackman was tremendous. Kate Hudson is just the love of my life. Sure.

I would shit at my wife's mouth just to get a peek at her naked. I'm a Goldie Hawn man. I love Goldie, too. Hermann. I had Kurt Russell's nothing to sneeze at. Oh, I'd sneeze the opposite direction. That's how much I like him. But it was funny, too, because I was sitting there, and I had this spiritual gay thought.

I was sitting in the same cinema 25 years earlier and fell in love with Kate Hudson during Almost Famous. Oh, wow. I've been watching Almost Famous by myself, same cinema going, I love this woman. Who's this woman? I'm in love with this woman. And here she is 25 years later playing this old cooze. You're a golden gay. I'm a Golden Gay.

Golden Gay Bridge. I thought it was a hell of a picture. I love the tunage. I love the thing. I guess I just talked about this on the Patreon, I realized. I don't get it twice. But anyways, that's a fun, goddamn film. And everyone's going to write, you're a faggot, you fucking piece of shit.

You call yourself a cinefile. You've never heard of this thing. By the way, I've never called myself a cinefile in my life. A pedophile. Yeah, the government calls me that. Sure, registered. So anyways, highly recommend. All right, it's a feel-good movie.

It's a feel-good. There's some programs, some recovery, some spirituality, some laughs. It's silly. It's fun. The tunes are great. Well, you think comedians are fucked up and all drug-addled and bad childhood and all that. These cover cunts, these guys that go out there and they do Van Halen cover band or Neil Diamond, Elvis and those are the most fucked up, weirdo, crazy people. Like, you ever see that movie?

What was that movie with Rourke? Was it Rourke? Crazy Heart. No, Crazy Heart. That's not Rourke. Russell? No, it's the other one. Oh, the dude.

Jeff Bridges. Jeff Bridges. Won the Academy Award for that film. You know, he's just like this bar room singer guy. Mm-hmm. And he just travels around to bowling alleys and warehouses and back rooms and does these twiddles his thumbs and plays a little tune and a ditty. Pete ditty. And that's what they make a living.

Yeah, they're scraping by. They're scraped by. That's with this, I assume. I haven't seen it, but he's an impersonator, right? Oh, they're scraping, yeah. Big-time scrape. Crazy Heart, a couple quick thoughts on Crazy Heart. One, one of the great character intros in the history of cinema.

Yes. Because it opens, he's in an empty bowling alley parking lot. He gets out and he pours out like a Gatorade thing of piss. Yes, yes. So right away, you're like, I got everything about this guy. I love it. And that's what I'm saying. These guys are fucked up.

And then they also have one of the great cuts in the history of cinema, where he finishes playing and there's like a kind of an uglyish older lady and she goes and it cuts directly to her in his bed like this. Yes. It's perfect. So good. So good. So little.

She just goes, woo. She just goes, woo. I got to rewatch this. It's great. Now there's a big major flaw in that movie. Ah, here we go. He loses the baby and that's his big moment. He loses the kid, the Maggie Gyllenhaal's kid.

And he goes, I was drunk when I lost. the kid, but they show him, he comes and has like half a drink. He gets to the bar, he orders one drink, he has two sips of it, then he loses the kid, and they're like, ah, I was drunk. Maybe he's drink before? I guess, but he didn't seem drunk before. He was just at the thing. They don't show him, but I'm like, why not depict him drunk?

Right. Such a weird thing to me. Show him get drunk with the kid. Well, it's a big cutty movie. I mean, it's cutty sark. They do the woo to bed. I suppose. They do like half a drink to drunk.

That's how the shots are done. But they show him walk away. There's no cut. They just show him walk away. And then he's like, so that's my one problem. But he's amazing. Great film. Won the Academy Award.

I love that movie. And I love music. All right. Well, I'm a big Neil Diamond fan, the Jewish Elvis. So I'm on board. But when I was a kid, my parents had a bed and breakfast, a B&B. And so we get a lot of traveling musicians. And I would hang with him like Forrest Gump did with Elvis.

And these are a little. Huh? Kurt Russell plays Elvis. Is that right? That's right. That guy was Russell? That's Kurt Russell. He looked like a 20-year-old kid.

No, he's out of focus. You can't see him. He's out of focus. Yeah. I didn't know. That was Russell. That's Russell. There you go.

Put that in your pipe and blow me. By the way, I don't want to start a war here, but I watched 20 minutes of Forrest Gump today. A lot of plot holes in that. Well, yeah. It's magical. It's like a magical movie. It's silly. Yeah.

It's a silly, a lot of crazy things happen. Certainly. Why don't they all recognize him? Wouldn't this man be a celebrity? Of course, yeah. He's a college football, all-American Vietnam war hero. He meets the president, who's the greatest ping pong.

Bet the president is the greatest ping pong player of all time, and he owns the biggest business. Wouldn't they be like, oh, yeah, I know who you are? He's retarded supreme. He's like, yeah, he's like Steve Jobs sitting there. Right, right. He's done everything. He's a Renaissance queen.

Yeah. Another weird thing about Forrest Gump I didn't like was, remember the teacher fucks the mom? that was a weird choice in the script because the kid the dad goes Your mom's a She really cares about your schooling boy And he goes

That was very antagonistic That is not consistent with the rest of his personality He was very like Hey you just fuck my mom I'm gonna mock you I'm gonna make fun of you He's never done that in the whole rest of the movie But is he mocking him

Or is he just impersonating him Either way It felt a little I think he was hip to what was going on there. It just felt a little meaner than Gump was the whole other part

of the movie. Right, well, it's the only time someone's fucking his mother real hard. That's true, that's true. Not a great thing to witness or hear as a child, trust me. I know. I think I've heard my mom getting railed. I've heard, seen, and filmed. Oh, wow. Yeah. She heard everything.

She heard everything. It's up to sell a kid. I said it to Chuck. I'm still waiting on the edit. But, yeah. All right. So what? We went off on a tangent thing. Oh, anyway.

I saw Song Song, Sung Blue, and it was fun. That was it. Nothing. I mean, I didn't think it was going to go that long. No, that was great. I had a great time at the cinema and good fun. I love music. Supreme was sold out.

You couldn't get in? No, no. We just didn't want to be gone that long. There hasn't been a movie sold out since 1988. That's what I was asking. I was like, oh, maybe cinema's having a moment. Was anyone in the theater with you? No.

Well, that was one couple. realistically there was a couple, but it's also 9.30 a.m. during a snowstorm. Good point. So, and it was New Year's day. So nobody was out. Everyone's hung over. Hi there, folks. It's Tuesdays with Stories, and we could not do the show without our

sponsors, and I could not do my wife without Bluchu. Here, here. Man, we've been together a long time. By the way, I'm talking to one of my close friends. I don't want to give his name up. Oh, boy. He called me the other day, and he goes, dude, my life has changed.

I've been hearing about Blue Chew for six years because of podcast. He goes, I finally tried one. He was like, it's unbelievable. You got to, he convinced me. He's like, you've got to try one. He's like, I am rock hard right now. I'm sitting at my desk working.

I'm still rock hard. I fucked my wife for two hours last night. Wow. She came her brains out. And he's like, I'm still hard. I'm ready to rock still. Wow. And I'm like, wow, I don't have boner problems.

He's like, no, no. I didn't either. But it's like swollen, wicky, wacky, full dick, purple, veins. It's black. It's an eggplant. Louisville.

It's time to level up your dick game. Blue chew just dropped Blue Chew Gold. It's gold, folks. Blue Chewold is a 4-in-1 tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and your arousal. I got something in my eye. It's come.

Make life easier by getting harder. By getting harder. Discover your options at bluechew. com. We've got a special deal for Tuesdays with Stories fans. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. Visit BluChu.com for more details and important safety information.

Thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. We appreciate you. Yeha. Hey, hey, folks. Two-Hat Stories brought you by Fabletics. This is literally Fabletics. I'm wearing it right now. I love this goddamn jacket.

I wear it all day, every day. It looks cool. It's comfortable as all hell. New workout gear is the best Fabletics. New VIP membership makes it easy to upgrade your athletic and loungewear at an amazing price. Sign up as a new VIP Fabletics member and get 80% off everything. After that, the membership is about 70k. Oops, sorry.

After that, the membership is about 70 bucks a month. Your monthly membership, including. a credit you can use towards a full outfit or bundle up to $100. Skip any month you'd like in Fabletics. Reminders mean there are never any surprise charges. Hallelujah. We love it. The pants are great.

The sweaters are great. I saw a cool black guy wearing the track pants the other day, and I said, once you got the cool black guys in the clothing game, you're in. Well done, Fabletics. They look good, they feel good. Get premium fit, feel, and performance at a front. fraction of the price with Fabletics. Fabletics already has incredible deals, but we've got an exclusive offer for

Tuesdays with Stories fans. Get 80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Damn, 80%. Just head to fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock your 80% off. That's fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. You won't be disappointed, folks.

These are nice threads. Back to the show. Perfect. Well, let me throw this one at you, Faddy, because I know you got a lot of stuff. Not a ton, but some. Okay, okay. Well, I'll tell you, we flew back to New York, January 3rd. I saw something at LaGuardia I've never seen before.

Let me try to guess. Take a guess. A lady with a basket of fruit on her head. No, no, I feel like I've seen that. Guy on roller skates. Seen it. Maybe not a LaGuardia. Mick Jagger.

Yeah, seen it. See him, actually. No kidding. I saw him at Jazz Fest, and right before he performed, he goes up, and the mayor of New Orleans was sitting in a, or the governor of Louisiana was sitting in a nice bleacher seat, best seat in the house, and he goes, oh, the governor's here. You made abortion illegal. I guess you're taking us back to the Stone Age. And the governor went, and that was it. But it was fun seeing Jagger, get all activisty.

That is fun. The middle of an outdoor concert. Yeah, not usually a political band. No, no, but he got one in. Well, that's nice. Good for him. I love a good way. There's nothing better than someone's shooting on you.

You go, all right, thank you. Yeah, I mean, what's the guy going to do back? I go, fuck you, fuck it. Yeah. He was 10, 100 feet away. So what did you see in LaGuardia? Okay, I saw three, count them. Three homeless people in the airport.

You know, you always go, why aren't there homeless people in the airport? It's warm. You don't need a ticket to sit. in the baggage claim, just get to the airport and sit in there and go to sleep. That's what I would do. Interesting. But I've never seen it until now.

Wow. Is that the decay? Is that somebody going to make a video? Hey, New York's over. It's done. So would they take the M60 over there? I guess the M60 or took the Airtran. I guess one of them,

there's no air train at LaGuardia. Good point. Wrong airport. They got a, I guess once one goes there, he texts his buddies and says, hey, come on over here. Yeah, or carrier pitch. smoke, single, whatever they do.

But there was three. You know, you see one, you're like, huh, 18 bags, slumped over, you know, dirty, smelly, fumes, flies. Then you're like, wow, I've never seen that. It's a homeless guy in the hallway at the airport. Then we got the baggage claim right up against the belt. No kidding. Yeah. Wow.

Are you sure it wasn't a guy whose flight was canceled? Did he have a bag? I said the same thing, but he had the hobo dog. Hobo dog. No one's flying. It was a service dog. Now, that's a show. We should be pitching.

Hobo dog. I don't know what happens, but that's a title. That's a cool old black homeless guy. I'm hobo dog. Hobo dog. Yeah. Shee! Motherfucking, yeah.

I lost all my money on the black bowl. All right, all right. So, yeah, I just had to throw that out there. Three hobos in the airport, inside the airport. You're kidding. Yeah. Wow, well, we'll see what happens. Mom, Daddy.

Oh, yeah. He's in. Oh, he's in, baby. I didn't know what he did that. January. first. That's so weird to me. Yeah. New Year's Day. So New Year's Eve. You can't hang out

New Year's Eve. I'd be so hung over. You got to be like, I got to go to bed. I got to swear in. Hand on the Korean. All right. So this was seven months ago. Yeah. But we haven't recorded in six months. Oh, well, lay it on me. So, you know, I was going to Cleveland. Yeah. Ah, yes.

Big Cleveland trip. Flight to Cleveland. Did you see any Browns? No. No. All right. No. Indians? By the way, is spiders a racial term? Have you ever heard that before? I've heard Rock Spider.

Oh, geez. Yeah, I didn't make it up. Did you ever hear that before? Oh, because we were talking racial slurs as you do, me and Lewis and Soder, Bobby, and then he was like, yeah, something spiders. And I was like, is that a racial start? Because the Cleveland Indians,

the original name was Cleveland Spiders, and that was getting thrown out there as a possible replacement. And one time on stage, I was like, they should have been the spiders. And it got quiet. And then I was like, is that a slur that I didn't know about? Was I like, hey, there should have been the N-words. Yeah, I'd never heard that.

I mean, I guess they're black and long legs. I guess so. Do black people have long legs? I mean, some do, I guess. Karim. To Kimbe. Yeah. Put up rock spider, too, because that's when I heard from the old honkies back in the south.

And what does that mean? Black. Oh. Oh, that's not black. That's not black. I thought it was black, but it's from Africa. So I assumed. You didn't really have about black pedophiles.

Michael Jackson, but he had transitioned to white at that point. That's true. That's a great point. There's no black pedophiles. There's no black magic either. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Black magic.

That's funny. Black magic. They amaze himself too much. That's a great point. They do a trick and they run away from their own booth. Oh, shit. This is a very offensive episode. Yeah, we're getting in a weird space here.

But anyways, so I flew to Cleveland to help Jason move. and people hate the travel stories, but you're getting one. Lay it on me, Fannie. So I'm flying out Friday night to make my diamond status. Oh, yeah. So I got to make the status. Which, by the way, somebody messaged me and was like, hey, if you're $200 short, you can just pay them and get the status.

And I was like, well, this is information I could have used. That's true. It's kind of like when you don't sell out. You're like, oh, we had one ticket left. Like, I would have bought it. That's a good point. I have a point. I've never been that close to selling out.

But if I ever am, I'll buy those tickets. I sold out with our yacht. I'm usually like 175 ticket short. A 200-seater. But anyways, folks. So I'm going to Cleveland. Now, I'm pumped because I got... We've talked about this before.

I'm flying out. I got no show. I got no nothing. I ain't got nothing to do. All I want to do is be on the road with no gig. Oh, clear Cal. I think about that... Matt Wayne and I talk about this all the time.

We'll be on the road and I'm like, I wish we just didn't have a show. I'd love to just go to Charlotte with a buddy. Hang out, go to the movies. You fuck each other in the ass. You walk around. We did that with Tampa. Oh, no, we had a show in Tampa.

Never mind. I did three shows. One night. So. Edward. I'm flying there going, hey, what do I care? So my flight is supposed to be at 8P. 8 p.

8 p. I'm flying because I'm like, I'll just take the last flight out so I can be with my kid all day. And then I'll fly out. What difference does it make? I'll get in at 11 o'clock. Who cares? Go, jerk off. Wake up.

Maybe I'll take a yoga class in the morning. Love it. And go help canter move. We go with yoga. She's slipping in slowly. I'll go help Canter move. I didn't go to yoga. I'm joking.

All right. So I'll help Canter. I'll see Canter, the whole thing. And I get to eat Mama Santas, my favorite restaurant. As you know. The guinea joint. Everybody knows about Mama Santas from me. I've been spreading the word for 15 years.

Yeah, the red sauce. Tell Cantor, I'll come out. I'll help you move and I'll eat some Mama Santas. Oh, yeah. So 8 p.m. flight. The night before. Ah, here we go. Excuse us. It's Delta here. We just wanted to let you know. Your flight's canceled.

I go, canceled. I got my whole plan. I'm going to go make diamond status, do yoga. Not do yoga. No yoga. Going to go out there. See, Cantor hang out, get my diamond status. Flight canceled. We went ahead and rebooked you. Oh, they always rebook you a month away, too. So they go, we rebooked you. Now you're on an 8 p.m. flight to Detroit. What? You get to Detroit. 10.30 p.m. You got an 11-minute layover. Then you fly from Detroit to Cleveland. You're now get in at 3 a.m. I'm like, wow. What are you fucking me? Get out of here. This is Delta.

This is Delta. Boy, they don't want you get that diamond. Well, I think what happened is Justin Diamond. Nobody's flying from New York to Cleveland on four days before Christmas on a Friday night. They probably had 11 tickets sold. Oh. We're not used in the gas. Got it. Now, in the old days, pre-9-11, I want to sound like some old man here. You used to get on a plane. You used to get on a plane. and there'd be eight people on the plane. Those are the best flights. Now you're never on a play with an uncle. We have an extremely full flight.

Fuck your mother. Don't bring any luggage. Yes, yes. So the flight's canceled. So I say to Sarah, hey, I think I'm going to get on a 4 p.m. flight instead. Because I don't want to fly to fucking Detroit. And I'm going to get at 1 a.m.

That's crazy. So I call them up. I'm Diamond. They answer. Go ahead. Hey, no problem. Boom, boom, bang. I love being Diamond.

They're going, all right, you're now on the 5 p.m. flight. Okay, still pretty late in the day. You get some love time. Exactly. I got all day. I got till 3 p. And then nobody's on there. Again, it's Friday. I guess it was kind of busy actually. So I hang out all day. Get to hang with the kid. Boobly boop. Skippity bop.

We have breakfast, lunch, dinner. We eat 69. I head to the airport. It's one of these ones. I'm paranoid. I like to get there early. It's Friday. A lot of traffic. Get in the car. Car leaves. Kids crying. I'm so sorry. I'll be back in a day. I'm just going to do yoga. I drive five minutes.

Your flight's delayed till 7.30 p.m. Ah, you couldn't have hit me 10 minutes earlier. You could? Exactly. So I go, should I turn around? Should I get out? Get another 60 minutes with my kid? I'm going to be five hours earlier with that airport.

Yeah, you got to turn around. No, I go, fucking, I'm already in the car. You got that lounge waiting for you, too. Exactly. So I go, and then you have this. I'll get work done. I'll never buy myself. Okay.

I got to edit this documentary. I got to do this, that. The other thing, I'm working on 7. projects at once. I'm going to go get some work done. Skankfest, Doc. Get to the airport. Now, this is a new thing, and I want you to be careful about this, because they're

going to get you with this. Oh, what? Hudson News, got a security guard? No. Okay. And now I know you better than anyone knows you. So I want you to know about this. Maybe you already know. I get to the airport.

I got four hours to kill. I'm doing Starbucks, boob-a-boo. I'm at the bucks. And I'm working. Okay, good. Your flight has moved back. up to 530. Okay. Did you know they're doing this now? I've seen it once. They'll tell you there's a two-hour delay

and then they go, ah, just kidding. Now is that a ruse? Is that a move? Is that a work? Well, I don't know. I don't know. Now they go, we overbooked this cum-guzzler. Let's shift some times around. We'll lose some people. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm being paranoid and I'm just throwing ideas out. Well, evidently they solved whatever problems. So they moved it

back up again. So now I go, oh shit, it's a good thing I came here. Because they could fuck people on this. That's what I'm saying. Because you go, yeah, I'm delayed. Oh, I see what you're saying now. Yeah, yeah. So I go, okay, great.

All right, well, I'm getting my work done, but now I'm leaving again. So now I'm only delayed 20 minutes or whatever. That's a good thing I'm here. So I'm ready. So I get on the plane. Now the flight gets moved to 5.18 p.m. What's 5? Now it's 518.

Not bad. So we line up. I'm Delta. I'm flying first class. I couldn't be happier. and they can delay it or whatever they want. I got nothing to do. Okay.

And I got myself a nice hotel. Very nice. I'm staying in a nice hotel. Boy, you're living. End of the year. Plus, we got that Comedy Central money. I'm like a wealthy man. Oh, man, I got an extra couple of K coming your way.

It was wild. I got mine. Did you get yours? I think I got it. Yeah, it's crazy. My manager tried to take a piece. That's nuts. I said, blow me, bitch.

So I get on the plane, we board the plane. I got, all right. I got nobody. next to me. Empty, in first class, empty seat next to me. Oh, my Lord. 518, no delay. I'm going to get in at 7.

There's a big college football playoff game. I'm going to order a pizza pie. Captain comes on. Hey, uh, thanks for boarding. Uh, your mother's a cunt. And we are going to be delayed here two hours on the ground. Oh, wow. We didn't even give you a cushion.

Didn't give you an increment. I go, what? We just boarded. They boarded the whole plan. And he goes, if you want to get off the plane, you're welcome to, but have you ever heard this? I've never heard this before. If more than two people get off, everybody has to get off. That I've never heard.

Never heard that in my life. That, they're making up shit now. They're going willy-nilly, flying off the seat. So I'm like, I got to sit here for two hours. If I want to go get one of those sandwiches I like, that's a line from casino, which makes me laugh. When he gets banned, he's like, you're banned from the casino. What if I want to go in and get one of those sandwiches I like?

How funny is that? That's hilarious. You're not allowed in the casino, but what if I want a sandwich I like? I like those sandwiches. I want to give it with that one. You might have I grab a sandwich. I'm not going to cheat a card, I swear. That's a hell of a picture.

That's like getting banned from the cellar going, can I just get the falafel? Yeah, I just want to get a... I think I might be banned from the cellar, by the way. I'll put it in twice. I didn't get spots. Damn. I'm telling you. Damn.

Times have changed. Yikes. So, I'll talk to Liz. Lex's best. So I go, uh, what the fuck is this? So then I'm like, well, I don't want to get off and caught. So I think everybody was like, well, we don't want to be the person that causes everyone to get off. You don't want to be that guy.

I'm like, can we have a dialogue and be like, what if two get off, two come back and then two go? Shifts. Rotate. So it's a whirlwind because you're like, the flight got canceled, they got moved up, then moved back, then moved up again. And I'm like, well, just keep it delayed. Yes, exactly.

Why'd we get on you, quiffs? So whatever the fuck. So we sit there for two hours. But the same thing, I'm like, I'm not letting anything get in the way of my tits. I'm excited to go to Cleveland to have a night, no shows, nice hotel. I'm not stressing.

So I ended up reading, the way, I'm reading this Ethan Hawk book, A Bright Ray of Darkness. You love the Hawk. I'm obsessed with Ethan Hawk. Hawk Alugi. This book is amazing. You can listen to it audio.

I want to recommend it. Is it a bio? No, it's a novel. Oh, it's a novel. But it's very sexy, yeah. Oh. He says things like, I need my cock in your mouth. It's crazy.

Whoa. Very hot. Man, oh, man. Ethan. Anyways, let me just plow right through this. So we're delayed two hours on the ground. Finally, we land in Cleveland. Now it's getting late.

It's like, whatever the fuck. 9.30. I thought I was going to get there at 8. So you did the two hour delay. Oh, yeah. We just sat there for two hours. No TVs, by the way, because it's a regional play. So I'm watching, you know, YouTube and whatever.

Getting all the good gossip and comedy. Sure. Le Mare. So we land in Cleveland. Cleveland. I go, all right, we finally made it. I'm a little later than I thought. I'm going to eat late. Watch the football game. What time do you land? I don't know. 9.30, something like that. Okay. Okay. There's still some civilization out. Land there goes, hey, folks, we're sorry. We're going to get on. Our gate is blocked, gay, flat tire tire. Fucking, it was a fist fight. It was a fist fight. It was a tarmac. 45 minutes on the tar mark in Cleveland. Wow. End up being a five-hour trip to Cleveland. Flight to Cleveland, five hours.

Thank God you had no gig. No gig, fortunately. You're losing hotel time, though. I lost some hotel time. Then I get to the hotel. It's just a big, giant bed. I had a great view of the lake and the stadium and the rock and roll hall of fame. I'm going to move there. And then we had Showtime, One and Two.

Showtime had a home run derby of movies. I had Django Unchained. There was an Indiana Jones marathon. Not the new ones, I hope. Not the old ones. And then something else that was really fun. Oh, fuck. It was some other movie.

Boy, you get a pizza and your feet up. You're clicking all night. It was unbelievable. Then I go to Cantors, which was great. His house is great. The place is amazing. But I'm like, all right. Mama Santos.

He goes, ah, we had it last night. No. How about that? I go, let's a restaurant. Just get something different today. Yeah. So the reason I came here. Right.

My favorite restaurant in the country, it's the first time I've ever been to Cleveland, didn't go to Mama Santos. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, ah, my dad brought it over last night. Damn, that stings. Hey, a little hot dog. I'm not too hungry.

Yikes. What's the sandwich that? What? I don't know what you're talking about. We ended up having Mexican. It was great. His neighborhood's fucking amazing. Really?

Awesome. And he's got three bedroom, three floor, all new, furnished, rooftop. Unbelievable. When you go to hilarities, you got to go over there. I'll check it out. Now, he had the theater, whatever, sir. He had the apartment lottery back in New York. He kept that.

Oh, he kept that. Oh, yeah. He's a dual citizen now. Is that illegal? I don't want to get the guy in trouble here, but I think you've got to be... This motherfucker right here. All right, we'll move it along. Well, I think he's bi coastal or whatever you call it. He's bi. Sexual.

Got it. But anyway, so now Mama Santa, which was inferior. Aye, aye, aye. Flew home. That's my Cleveland trip. Tell me about Miami, the titty bar, all the stuff. Wow. But first of all, that's the hard part about travel. People go, oh, you bitch about travel.

You sat on a plane and had a cocktail for three hour. Oh, and you're like, no, it's the... the mental juggling. Oh, I got to get the Uber. Oh, now it's delayed. Oh, now it's back on time. Oh, now we got a D-Board. Or do we de-board?

Tarmac, 45 minutes. That's the hard part. It's all that bullshit. Yes. It fucks with your head. Well, and here's the thing, and I can't remember if we talked about this in the pockets if I just talked to this with my wife in real life. There's something about being, and you know this feeling, and we've talked about

it together, at least. I don't know if it was on the air or not. There's something about being fully. alone that's so different. You know what I mean? Where, like, not even with your wife or your best buddy. When I'm in a hotel, I am picking my nose. I'm putting it on the comforter.

I have my hand on my dick, a full heart on, I jerk off twice. I go to the shower. I take a shower for two and a half hours. Yep. I watch the, I'll watch Sleepless in Seattle with my feet over my head, licking my own asshole. You jerk off, you shoot it right in your face.

You mix it in your milk. Whatever you want. When you're on a plane, you're like, I want to watch this video, but I don't want to be judged. Yes. Yes. Yes. I want to text my ex, but I don't want people to know I'm texting my ex. I want to send a dick pick to Lex, but I don't want people who see the size of my dick.

Sure. You're just not fully yourself. Yes. Especially with a baby. With a baby and when you're a public figure, also you're like, which person knows who I am, which person thinks I'm a homo. Yep. So that's the thing. You just want to get to the hotel and fucking paint your toenails and be the true you.

I mean, it's Kevin McAll, so you're jumping on the bed with the pizza. with the Pepsi, with the clicker. It's the real you. You're right. You can really strip down and forget all your inhibitions. Forget about your worries and your strife. I had one the other day. You know when you get too comfortable in public and you get caught?

Yes. So I'm with Salakus at Westway Diner. We had our big weekly diner hang. And I'm bitched about Mom Dani because he raised the prices. Of the diner? Of the subway. I know He raised the prices of the subway

And the bus I thought his whole thing Was free subway? I know! That's exactly my point Is this right? Could this possibly be right? Give it a good

It was planned months ago Oh Okay Months domi ago Not a great look To be like The free guy

And then Right when you get in They go up He should at least address it like That wasn't me Or whatever It wasn't me

But Point is I'm in the booth Going And oh He raised the prize The whole thing was free And I look over and there's a lady going

glasses sitting alone fat and I'm like oh shit she heard everything I got too comfortable I got too loose there you go does she know who I am is this a tweet yeah it's gonna be a Reddit thread

fucking Mark Norman's homo now how about this this is one of my best moments I can't wait she eventually leaves she eats her big pile of slop stands up puts a mask on so you're like oh I'm really

fuck now she puts the mask She walks out. She gives me a look. Like, I know everything. I got you pegged. Oh, boy. You're a piece of shit. I didn't know what to do. I feel like I'm two inches tall. Sal Acuse's hand is on the table. I put my hand on his.

We're a couple. Now she goes, whoa, I didn't know he was a homosexual. Maybe I judge this guy a little too soon. Maybe I shouldn't tweet. This is a fellow LGBT queef. That's not bad. Something there. Yeah, you should kiss him on the lips. I thought about it, but he's ugly.

Yeah, we should have done. Put your head under the table and just start fucking flinging your head off the bottom of the table. A little Holland days going. He's sucking down equal packets. Yeah, but yeah, it was a nice move. Like, hey, you're going to attack two fellow pridesmen? Queers. Two gays?

Two trans? That's pretty good. Good save. It was a good save. I felt like a Larry David moment. Like, how do I get out of this? I'm gay now. Absolutely.

It was when I was a single man. My old move was when the, uh, when the, uh, The clipboard guy would walk up, and I'd be on a date. I go, pretend we're making out. So then we just start making out. You see? It worked every time. That's how you get to the top.

Yeah. You go, pretend you're making out is making out. Oh, yeah. You know, the girl goes, oh, okay. And you're like, that's why I'm an actor. You're hard on the sidewalk. And this guy goes, well, I'm not going to bother them. That's pretty good.

Double whammy. No, my other move was, and I will get into it. We're doing a lot of side hustles here. Yes I would go to a show And I would go up to a girl I'd go hey I'm on next I hate to be annoying

But I gotta get some photos For my website Could you just snap some picks at me While I'm on stage And they go Yeah okay Then I'd get off stage Hopefully you do well

And then you go Here's my number Text me those picks And I really appreciate it Thank you And then an hour goes by And you go Hey thanks for the picks

I just want to get your number And it worked every single time. Wow. Never failed. That's pretty good. That was back when you had to get creative to get laid. Sure.

You know, now we get the apps and only fans and Bonnie Blue. She's good. Bonnie Blue Me too. I don't know. Bonnie Blue Bulls. So, yeah. Yeah, I went to Miami. Went to Cape Cod.

I mean, it was. Give me some goods. Give me some stuff. It was a full haul. By the way, the hard part with the flying with the baby is that runway time. You know, because you, you calculate, okay, how long's this flight? two hours and 43 minutes to Florida. Then you sit on the runway for 60 minutes.

And you're like, I didn't factor this in. Yeah. So now the baby's sleeping on my chest for the runway. And then you take off and it wakes up. And now you get the full time. You're like, that's not fair. Right. Well, it's hard.

But then you're like, but wouldn't have sucked if he was wiggling and screaming that whole time. Sure, yeah. But then that's the, it turns the volume up on delays when you have a baby. Oh, we got a 30 minute delay. and you're like, fuck me. That's why the Cleveland thing was like, ah, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? I can watch all my YouTube that I can't watch at home.

All right. Yeah, so I just got to say, Miami, I get it, man. That is a cool-ass city. It felt like L.A. used to feel. Interesting. Great weather, hot people. Everybody seemed happy and free and fun. We went to the beach.

We went to the pool. I took the boy in the pool. He's freaking out. I'm just drinking margaritas all day with a baby in the pool. I threw the floaty right off the side of the building. What do you mean? Well, I was like, I'll hold him. Oh yeah, we don't know, no floaties.

Okay, I hate the floaties. I feel like I got some dirty looks. Like, you're just going to hold that baby? You're not going to, you know, have a safety net. Oh, we're all whole. Hold is so much safer. Also, the floaties, I hate those as a kid that makes that noise. Like, brah.

It's like nails on a chalkboard. Horrible. I hate a float. He didn't like it either. We were putting it on. He was wigging out and screaming. No, no, no flow. I just hold him like this and, you know, he's splashed.

He loves it. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they go fucking nuts in the pool. It's the best. The pool was so shallow I could get on one knee like a Kaepernick And I could put his feet there And now he's standing in the pool

Right now I'm driving the bus Exactly I'm Batman So we had a great time And uh trying to think some crazy shit happened Hang on Oh so for New Year's We go New Year's gonna be crazy Maybe the night before New Year's

We'll go to 11 These go to 11 You know what 11 is I know from you This crazy titty bar thing Well, May told me about it first. Okay. Well, she got a wild hair up her ass. She said, 11 is the most profitable nightclub in America.

It's this big, crazy stripper, sexy techno music warehouse in Miami. It's known for being debauchous and crazy. She's like, we got to go. We're in Miami. We got to go. She buys eight outfits. She wears a G-string, a shoe string, a tampon string, string theory. And I put on the leather jacket.

I really cologne it up. I go full Cuban-cunt douche. Send me some photos. I will. Leave yourself out if you want. Matt Ruby is in Miami. I go, come to Miami. I can get us into 11.

He goes, I'll see you there. What's he doing down there? He was out there with some dame, lapping it up. He's always got a dame that Ruby. Ruby and Chuck, two of the big womanizers. Great Coxman. And he's down there. He brings some Middle Eastern whore out to the strip club.

And yeah, we've really. We really had a time. I mean, the strippers now, I mean, they have leveled up. It's like fucking trapeze and they're up on top of the pole. The pole ended at the top of the roof. And then you could just get up on top of the pole and spin like a top and they put their vagina on the pole. It was incredible.

Tom Dustin had an idea for a stripper awards back in the day, the strippies. That's a great idea. Because there's porn awards, of course. Yes, yes. and he had a an acronym acronym for it. The superior tits

ripple Indonesia poo poo elephant's not or something. I don't know whatever it was. Strippers You could just do strip probably. Stripper or strippies. I think it was the strippies or something but yeah

you'd have all the women perform and do a thing and then you give out a war or you have the 10 or the nine, whatever, the little cards. carbon sucks. That's a great idea because these women are unbelievably talented. They're unbelievably athletic. Oh, yeah. Back in our day, it would just be like a fat lady with tits going,

do you like this big boy? You know, and you go, here's a dollar. So what's the, they're all over the place. What's the club? Do you sit up against the thing? Is it stages? Everywhere different kinds of stages. Take me through 11.

I want to know more about 11. I got to say, we built it up a little in our head. We had this whole visions of grandeur, where we thought it was going to be this insane nine warehouses, an airplane hanger full of hookers, just doing ziplines with their cooch out. But it's really just a giant strip club with two dance floors. Okay.

And a DJ Fitty Cent was the music that night. He was there? Yeah, later. We went to the early show. Okay. Because we were like, we're old. We got a kid at the hotel. And it was a little underwhelming.

But, you know, Forrest Shaw? Yeah, I think so. He's a Miami comic. It's a Canadian. He's doing for Patrice or Geraldo. He's the real deal. Okay, yeah, kind of. I texted him. I go, can you get this into 11? He goes, I got you on the list.

So I was like, hey, that's pretty cool. Oh, so this is like serious exclusive. Oh, yeah. Lippos, rope, velvet, rolls, royces, you know, all kinds of skanks there. It was great. So we get in there and it's early because they say it kicks off at one. And I go, well, we're leaving at one. Right.

A, I'm a dad now with the baby and B. I don't even want to be to be to. it's too much. So there's a DJ spinning and all that. We hired a nanny or a babysitter off a website. Yeah, a little risky. What website? Nanny bitch.org.

It was a little scary, but it was a little Asian girl came over with a mask on and she was all into the baby and we said, he's already sleeping. Just don't leave. Okay. Don't leave. Best gig ever, by the way. What, babysitting a sleeping baby? Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty awesome. It's always tricky, though, because if they wake up and then they're just like, who's this lady? It's going on here. But they ain't get over it. Yeah. They came around and started talking again. Also, wouldn't that be great if you went to bed, you wake up, you're like,

oh, it's a little Asian girl in my room. I would love that. I dream about it. Yeah, or boy. Yeah. So we do the 11, we leave at one, and we get pretty sloppy. We come back. We have the craziest, wildest Miami sex.

because there's this palpable fuck fumes in the air. Fuck fumes. That's something you should be selling. Okay. Yeah. Gwyneth Peltz got a vagina candle. I'm selling fuck fumes. You get fuck fumes.

Yeah. So we get back crazy sex. It's a baby two feet away. You wake up. Oh my God. I'm so hung over. We get the baby all day. It's probably one of the hardest things on the play.

It's a seventh circle of hell as being hung over with a baby. You didn't foresee that being an issue? You're in the moment You're living I think we knew what happened But when it hit you It is a whopper Yeah

It's a doozy Can't imagine It's the worst Longest Day of your life And you go I had a realization We should hire The babysitter

For the morning We're working all day With a baby You babysit all day Yeah Then you go get It's like a Cosby joke You hire a lady

So you can go Ruin your body Get fucked up get a hangover, then the lady leaves, you come back, now you're hungover with a baby. That's when you need the help. A hungover is worse. Well, you need the help too when you're gone.

I guess so. Can't you bring this nanny? She doesn't travel this lady? Wow, that's a pretty petty. Put her at a hotel, on a plane, and a bus. Doesn't she live in the hotel? You just have her on the end of the bed like a puppy. Yes, yes, she snores.

Fair. Okay, but yeah. So hungover, but we don't want. want to shortchange the fat man. So we go, let's take them to the Children's Museum. All right. So we take them to the Children's Museum. They're doing a thing called Happy Noon Year.

This is brilliant. These people are so smart. I know. How the hell do they come up with this stuff? The problem is they do a big New Year's for the baby at noon. It's clever. It's cute. He gets to the countdown instead of midnight. It's noon. We show up. It's

fucking jam with Miami parents and kids running around. And we're hungover. Right. So now we take an Uber there. We're both like this. We want to kill ourselves. The baby falls asleep in the Uber.

I take it out of the Uber. I'm like, we're not bringing this kid in until he wakes up. Because I want every penny's worth. Right. I'm not bringing him in. Having sleep through the whole thing. He's waking up. So now we're like, okay.

So now we're seeing. You're George Costanza. We're sitting outside the children's center, whatever. And we're both slumped over leaning on a wall like this. she falls into me. She falls asleep because we're so hung over and on no sleep. The baby's asleep. I'm sitting there like this.

We look like fentanyl people. This is probably who you saw at the airport. You're like, look at these hobos taking over our city. I know. So one guy's like, you okay? I'm like, oh, yeah, the baby's napping. And he's like, what about her? And I'm like, she's dead.

Don't worry about it. Keep it moving. He's like, okay. So then the baby finally wakes up. I nudge the lady. We get up, we go in and just screaming kids. And our kid hates it. And this is parenting in a nutshell.

You try to do something for the kid, for the baby, and he's like, this sucks. There's a million screaming kids. I can't walk. I'm stuck in a stroller. Kids are running by me. There's confetti everywhere, balloons, parents. He's miserable. We're miserable.

Now the kid's screaming. So then I go, he's got a shit in his ass. I bring him out to the lawn. I change his diaper. He's screaming. He's got shit everywhere. It was the worst day ever. Oh, God.

Well, it sounds like he's not. ready for the happy noon year. Yes. It feels like it was toddlers or something. It was, yeah, it was like five-year-olds running around. Is there a ball that drops? There's a ball. There's balloons. They did a confetti everywhere. And we're like, ugh, the baby's screaming. He's got

shit in his ass. His kids running all over his face. It was a big big... Big apple pie. Yeah, big misstep. We really fucked up. So then we just got back to the hotel and, you know, dealt with it. But you try to do a good thing for the boy. And he hated it.

Yeah. That's parenting. Well, that's the thing. You never know what these kids are going to love. But it sounds like later down the road, he might love the happy noon year. I might go to Miami next year. It's fun. It's worth it. The sun, though, the air is clean. We stayed in Coconut Grove. It's right by the water. The hotel at a pool on the roof. It was magical. Well, there's nothing better than warm weather.

We were in Houston for five days. It was 85. I was having cigars in the backyard. We had a little fire chimenea thing with a little fire. And then you forget what it's like to have like a nice sunset and be outside for it. I know. Because you got a good winter sunset. It's pink and whatever, but you're not outside. Yeah. And also, what's fun is you look at that New York weather. You know, it's like, woo. I haven't seen a snowstorm like that in 40 years, all that shit. And you're like, here I am. I'm getting a tan. I got the fucking silver thing, you know, doing that whole thing. And the baby's in the pool.

I got a margarita. It's great. Feels like 12 is what it said. I was in Texas. I looked at New York. It feels like 12. Yeah. They showed people snowboarding in Central Park, I saw. Oh, really? Yeah, it was a crazy snow day. That's kind of fun.

We had to go buy snow gear. My dad bought Marty a little remote, you know those jeeps that are like remote control? Wow. And he sits in it. It was fucking great, but it goes two miles an hour. You don't speed through two miles an hour, so everybody sees you.

Damn. Fresh prints. There you go. But yeah, we had him in the little thing. It's funny. He can handle the wheel. and then you just gas them up. Damn fun.

Wow, that thing's what, this big? Yeah, it's about that size. You got to take, you got to house that thing. No, it stays at my parents. I can't even if I know. Well, this is the thing, by the way. I tell everyone in my family, don't get Christmas gifts of the houses. I feel like De Niro and Goodfellas.

I'm like, don't buy anything. Yes, yes. Our house is the size of my father's asshole. Take it back. So I go, and then my sister's like, I couldn't help it. I bought them everything because I, you know, and I get it. You want to buy the kids stuff. So it's just a mountain of gifts.

got 350 fucking Buzz Lightyear, Woody Allen, Woody, fucking whatever. A baseball bat, a glove, a roller coaster, a motorized car. And I'm like, I can't bring any of that. We look like the fucking Griswolds. I know. And how about this, by the way? I bought a Nissan century years ago. Everyone knows about it.

As soon as I bought the fucking thing, I don't do any research. I just go, I drove a Nissan Central once. I like Nissan. I'm buying this car. Cash. Here you go. Fuck face. I remember.

As soon as I bought it, I told the. during the podcast. I got 375,000 messages going if it's 2015 to 2019, the transmissions are lemons. They're fucking lemon juice, lemonade, fucking Don Lemon. It's a piece of shit. A lemon party. You're going to die. The car sucks. I go, oh, well, maybe mine's special. Don't you hate that? Is anything worse than this? I drive the car. I barely ever drive the fucking thing. It's all highway miles. It has 54,000 miles on it. All highway.

That's low. Yeah, I don't drive all that often. And if I do, it's, you know, to my parents' house or Philly, whatever the fuck. Sure. Drive the car, 250 miles to my parents' house. Great time. We're singing wheels on the bus and baby shark on repeat for five hours. Get there. Says my tire pressure is a little low.

All right. Cold out. That's fair. So I tell my dad, my dad, he likes to help. He likes to do the stuff. I go, hey, tire pressure is a little low. You want to get on that fuck face. Yeah.

He goes, you got it. This is his thing. This is his love language. Sure. So he goes out there, fills up the tire. He comes in. He goes, hey, when the check engine light come on? Oh, you told me this.

I go, it wasn't on at all. We take it to, I didn't tell you this part. We take it to the dealership. $7,000. Ah, you Johnson rods fucked up. It's like how you, Chris and his kids, $7,000. Yeah, $7,000 I charge. I got to get a second a pin.

Well, they go. Second amendment. They go, yeah, the transmission's got a coil, fucking Charlie coil, whatever the fuck. I go, what? Yeah, Pupyed coil. So I go, what are you talking about? I paid $18,000 for the car.

Yeah. $7,000. Cooky. $66, $600, she says. We got to take apart the fucking thing. Boobooby-boop. What? The centra got you.

And it's Friday. And I go, well, I'm driving home Sunday. They go, what are you crazy? You can't have this thing until, you know, Trump leaves office. Oh, no. So I had to rent a car to drive back because I had to do the regs in this podcast, the other podcast. I got to get back to work. That's horrific.

So I rented a car. That was $500. I got an Audi A5, by the way. I want to buy one of those things. That's my wife's bra size. It was fucking unbelievable. And maybe I said this before. I never knew what zero to 60 was all about. That I always say zero to 60.

It's safety. You merge in the highway. I drive a Nissan Central, a Honda Civic, and 87 Buick. Tell me, I got an old beamer. I'm zero to 60. It takes me 10 minutes. I'm going to die. I never realized that's what they're talking about.

I never thought it was speed. Like, look how fast we are. Well, it's speed, but the speed, the reason it's relevant is when you get on the highway, I just go vooom, and I'm up to speed. I did not know that. My whole life, I've been merging like, oh, my God, shift, shift, we're going to die. Yes, same. This is a Mack truck going, right.

It's the fucking Tracy Morgan truck is coming at me. And I'm stuck in third gear doing 38 on the highway. Yeah, I figure Accentra has something. A little bit, but it's like, this Audi. silently just goes, Zoo! And I'm up to 75 miles an hour. It took me an hour and a half to get home.

Wow. I was driving like a buck 30 on the thing. Meanwhile, Marty's in the back seat. If he kicks, my whole seat moves because the back seat's as long as my dick. Oh, I picture him on the window. It was nuts.

I'm going to buy an Audi A5. Wow. It's a Germans, man. They know how to kill people. Is that German? I have no idea. Yeah, Audi, Beamer, Mercedes, all germs.

Well, I looked it up. It's like 50 grand. So that's a little steep. By the way, Tesla, ultimate pickup. Is that right? More than an Audi. Way more. Yeah, there's no shift.

There's no, there's no, way to call that, transmission. Wow. It's a computer. It's no transmission. But right now, my car is living in Brockton, Massachusetts, city of champions. And they still are like, we've got to find the part. We've got to fly in the part. We've got to smell a fart.

So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah. And this Saturday, I'm off. I was just gone for 10 days. I'm like, all right, I guess I got to go back to Massachusetts on Saturday. to get my fucking car. Oh, what? You shouldn't have showed your dad the car.

He fucked you. Yeah, it's brutal. My car's in Pennsylvania. But now they're like, we might not need it after all, because we bitched and moat. And it was 10 days after my extended warranty. So I talked to another guy, and he's like, you've got to call Nissan yourself and say, fuck your mother, this thing has 50,000 miles. You sold me a lemon.

Don Lemon. I already said that. Yes, yes, yes. Chet Lemon. That's a deep cut. an old Detroit Tigers player. Chet Lemon. How was that? Where the fuck was that in my brain? That was deep in your asshole.

But anyways, so my car's fucked. I'm buying an Audi. My father's gay. Gomez is an outy. Is that right? Yeah, I think he's got an A5. Oh. Oh, I can't remember that. That's, that's.

He's got a puppy, a house. This guy spends money like a fucking Dominican pimp, as DeBalo would say. Well, he's got a podcast studio, which I assume is. the hole. Yeah, I think he's stealing money from us, too. Plus Skank Fest. Feels like a Ponzi scheme.

I don't think I got paid yet. No. All right, well, we'll see you there next year, but... I never miss it. I think I got... I think I got it all in. A flight home was hell. How about it?

How about this, by the way? We were looking for investors for the movie, and Lewis Gomez comes in the pocket, he goes, if someone invests 10 grand, I'll give him a golden ticket for next year's festival. That woman writes to us, Hey, can I get a golden ticket for seven grand? I'm like, no.

It's $3,000 less. What is that? Maybe half a ticket. It's just crazy. If you give $10,000, you get this. How about if I give $7? No, that's not the deal. She's negotiating.

Well, negotiate, scumotiate, whatever that means. Yeah, you got that right. I'm going to kill myself. All right, I got a bunch of dates coming up. Boy, we really limped to the finish line of that one. I fucked us. I'm sorry. No, no, we got that.

Seven grand. But anyway. Oh yeah, that's how much of my transmission costs. Tranny fluid. I should talk to Lewis and say, hey, can this lady get a golden ticket for $7,000? I take it. I pay for the transmission. She gets the golden ticket. I love it. Ody. I might do that.

Okay. Well, he's not going to like that. No. He gets nothing out of that. But hey, you can drive to Skankton. But what does he care? She just has a ticket. Oh, this is for the dock? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's your doc.

Yeah. All right. I've got a golden ticket. Anyways, I got some dates coming up. I don't know when this comes out. I have no idea what fucking year it is. I don't even know what pod this is anymore. I'm in Atlantic City, January 31st. I don't know.

Virginia Beach, Funnybone is coming up. When the fuck is that? How do I know? This is why I'm so bad. Oh, Poughkeepsie, coming up March 20th through the 21st. Levitown governors, that's not until June. Vegas and January. Asheville, January 22nd.

Charlotte, January 22nd to the 21st. 24th. Vancouver. Oh, yeah, these are the big ones. Here we go. Vancouver, one night only, the Rio Theater. February 12th. San Francisco, Cobbs, one of the great clubs all time. February 13th, 13th through 50. I got choked up. That's lunch. 13th through the 15th. San Francisco, one of the crown jewels of America. I don't care what anybody says. Love it. San Antonio, March 5th through the 7th. And of course, Virginia Beach, February 27th and 28th. So come out to that. Buy the Tom Dustin movie.

That's still for sale. Six bucks for God's sake. $6 for a movie. Buy it. It'll be fun. It's worth it. All right. That's it for me.

Hey, I'm at Brea, California, at the Bray Improv. Then I'm at the Spirit Mountain Casino in Oregon. Also the Midtown Ballroom in Bend, Oregon. Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Love that room. Love that town. I can sleep my own bed. San Antonio.

Coming to LOL. Bricktown in Tulsa and all kinds of fun stuff down the line coming down to Seattle and Arizona. All kinds of cool stuff. Some big news coming out later in the year. So we'll keep an eye out for that. Get on the Patreon. Cqueaf it up. Praise Allah.

Go gay. Tell a friend. We'll see what happens. Hopefully Netflix writes us back. Yes. We threw a big email at them and I think we scared them off. But we'll see. What are you going to do?

I heard they're taking their time figuring it out. Hopefully they're not looking at our analytics. Good Lord. No. Bill Simmons got on there, I saw. Oh, wow. Yeah, he's good, bud. I never listen.

Hey, he stinks. All right, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Cweep it up. Thank you. All right. Take you.