Tuesdays with Stories! - #639 Bob Gnarly

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

Joe hears a questionable joke from a surprising source! Mark's pilot is in the audience! Joe gets a confrontational yoga instructor and his son does a perfect comedy bit! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories     - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/TUESDAYS  

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Good morning. Vietnam. I'd like to go to Vietnam. That'd be fun. It's far, I know. Watch over Charlie. Far East.

The bush. Charlie's right here. And I'm watching out. Oh, yeah, that's true. Have we not seen you in a while? I feel like it's been a long, long time. Oh, it was a good time. Yeah, we just...

Probably a month. Wow. Wow. Because the holidays, we had Lex. We had back-to-back Lexes. It's a Christmas miracle. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun.

And, uh, Rupert's a month. still alive? Is he still with us? The toes have got to be gone. He's doing all right. He's making it. He's going to have his new year resolution of losing weight. What do you mean? It's March 3rd over here. He's gearing up.

All right. Come on, Rupert. We believe in you, buddy. We love you. That's why we're always saying nice things and supporting you. How does this outfit work? Is this all right? I got maroon and red. Oh, you're clashing. Like, what's that guy's name? Who leads to the clash? Joe Strummer. Ooh, good pull. I didn't know that.

He did. Good poll. They're the greatest band of all time. That feels like a leap. I don't think it is, actually. All time? I think pound for pound. Get out of here. The clash, I would make a case that they could.

I could make the case. Rudy. Come on. Rudy. Get fell. All time. Absolutely. Pound for pounds.

The Rolling Stones. The Zeppelin. The Who? Well, there's not bad clash. That's the thing. I mean, you know, there's a, that's a few stinkers. but I mean all these bands have some bad. The clash fucking rule.

You got punk, reggae, a little bit of jazz, a little bit of everything. They're the coolest. Chuck just quit. That's all right. Don't forget the coat. I'd love to never see that fucking thing again. Oh, boy. We're teasing, of course.

Boy, I got some fun, fun stuff. Stuff that I wanted to call with. Oh, let me hold. Let me hold on. I almost text you this weekend for a song. I had a howling fit in the just in the hotel room on the road, just going too fruity. Too fruity.

And I just wanted to write that to you. Just too fruity. That's too fruity is great. I try to explain to my wife the brilliance of flight to Cleveland. And also the smugness is not a good quality. I spent 10 minutes talking about smugness is not a good quality to my wife. All three of those different accents. They're all accents.

Accents are funny. Oh, yeah. These foreigners are silly. They're cuckoo. Thank you. Come again. Come on. That's gold.

Leave them in the good. country ice you sons of bitches. Come on. Let's get these wackos in here. They're fun. What a wonky time. We're supposed to get the immigrants out and he's shooting the white negatives, the locals. Boy, that was something else. That was ugly. The fucking bitch. That's a bad look. Bad tagline. Oh, did he say that? He shoots for the face. He's like, fucking bitch. Oh, I didn't hear that. Yeah, it's tough. Geez. Even Alec Baldwin was like, yikes. Chaney came back and was like, my God. Chaney. But what are you going to do? do. Oh, Chuck came back. We wanted you back. How to go in there. It's a little mucky.

Murky, murky, mucky, yucky. It's, it's bad. It's Katrina. It's Darfur. It's Sudan. Darfur. What happened with Darfur? Do we get that all settled? Darth Vader? I don't know. He died. Well, what's going on with Gaza? Because now Iran's all wacky and then nobody cares. Well, Iran's been wacky for some time from what I understand. And Iran. And it's Iran, I've learned from multiple. people. Iran. That's how they say it, but I think we can say Iran because we're American, yeah. They go America. It's not America. It's America. Yeah. Or actually they call it infidel or whatever they say. Infidel, infidel. What's the other del? Is Dell and there's Apple?

Oh, yeah, the gateway. Is Dell the opposite of Apple? Now, Dell's out. Del's not even close to Apple. Del's down here. Apple's cooking. All the way down here. Well, I want to get, are we okay? Chuck keeps making faces and noises. He's pressing buttons. I don't know what's going on over there. Yeah, all right. All right.

You be a little quiet. There's wires everywhere. The wires showing. Good TV show. I didn't care for it. It's one of these. I love these shows. Like, you've got to give it nine hours.

Give it seven episodes. Then it'll kick in. That's what I don't get. But that being said, if I, someone was like, I've never seen Seinfeld. You say it's the greatest show. I would 100% be like, do not watch the pilot outside of that. Good point. Good point. So, you know, and funny because Seifeld, didn't he do a bit about that about people being like, don't, you want to watch eight seasons or something? I think he did a bit like that. Oh, did he? I think so. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he didn't. I think he did. I think he was like, you got to give it a chance, something.

Anyways, the point is, seasons one and two of Seifeld, not so hot. No, not hot. I mean, two's got some gold, obviously. But the first season, which is only four episodes, is dog shit. Yeah. Could have been less if you asked me. And the last two seasons I don't care for either. But we've discussed this. I mean, Andrea Doria's fun. But we'll move on. There's some fun stuff. It's a little ridiculous. It's a little ludicrous. Well, can I just jump into my headline story? Please.

Teet-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de. Headline news breaking. How about that Chevy Chase, by the way? Oh, what a cum-guzzling Nazi. It doesn't do any favors. But can I say this? I want to defend something about Chevy Chase. All right. And I got a thing, too. Because you saw the thing where he said, you're not brought. I'm too deep. You saw that whole clip, big viral clip.

Yes. The lady said, I'm trying to figure you out. Oh, yeah. And he said, you're not bright enough. You'll never figure me out. I'm too deep. Too deep. But I saw all these people comment, you know, oh, Fletch is too deep. We'll never understand the depth of Fletch. And I'm like, well, just because someone's in a silly movie doesn't mean they don't have depth. Yes. Yeah, Peter Sellers had depth. I'm not saying that Chevy Chase is, you know. Tick. Not Han.

Yes. But just because you're a silly good, like, Steveo staples his balls to his assholes for a living. That's true. Multiple assholes. But the old jackass. I'm sure there's a lot of depth in there. You know what I mean?

Yeah. So you can play Fletch and be really interesting. Of course, of course. I mean, that's the go-to. It's an easy. It's a straw man. Yeah. I believe that's what that is.

We'll never figure out, oh, we'll never figure out the depth of Clark Griswold. You're like, well, he can't. It could be a crazy, depth, deep psycho who reads Kurt Vonnegut books or whatever the fuck and just be a silly goose. And he's a character. We're talking about Chevy here. Chevy. You go from, hey, Chevy is a piece of shit. Fletch isn't deep.

But yeah, but that's a written part in a movie. It doesn't make sense. Yeah. I mean, Kramer's like falling off the wall and sliding down. But then you watch Michael Richards in an interview. He developed a circular chess game. Ooh. So he's a nut or whatever.

Just don't watch his act. springing you up. Well, that's what I want to get into with this story. But what did you want to add Chevy to? Oh, shit, Chevy. Oh, so there was a big Chevy Bill Murray rivalry, as you know, in the 70s. A lot of people picked aside. I'm a Murray man all day.

I love Bill Murray. But I love Quentin Tarantino, as you do. And he said, I like Chevy better. And I go, I wonder why he likes Chevy, because I respect his opinion. And he said every Bill Murray movie, he goes. in, he's a dick, he's smarmy, and by the end of the movie, he's learned something, he's come out the other side, he's maybe a little warmer, a little more apathetic, empathetic. Chevy is a dick in the beginning and stays a dick, and he goes, I like that better.

Interesting. That's his take. Well, I like, I just think Chevy's funnier. Oh, way. As a comedic, I mean, Chevy in Christmas vacation, on the ladder, doing this, this thing where you can't decide, I mean. I'll give you physically. This is crazy. This is crazy.

I mean, physical, it's not close. I think Murray, he's got something to him that you can't even pinpoint. He's got like a magic to him. He can carry Groundhog Day. Carried what about Bob. Yeah, he's amazing. He's great in Rushmore. He has such a subtle brilliance.

Stripes he's incredible in the first half. Well, Lost in Translation and Rushmore, two of my all-time. There we go. You can't have Chevy in Lost in Translation. ruin it. I mean, maybe he has it in him. I don't know. I don't know how much depth he has. That butt chin. He's got no dip. He's in Fletch. But, uh, man,

but Bill Murray in Rushmore is the masterpiece when he says, I'm a little bit lonely these days. And he lights the cigarette with the other cigarette in there. And Lassen Translation is amazing. But just funny, funny, I got to go Chevy on funny. I mean, I, that guy makes me fucking howl. But then what's so fascinating,

the 90s hit and Chevy just Straight into the building like fucking Umar Hussein or whatever the fuck the guy's name is. Ali Al Jazeera. Yeah. I mean, 90s just nothing. Zilch. He was in Cops and Robbersons with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. So that was about it.

The guy went, oh, for the decade. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. That was bad. Caddyshack, Bill Murray's, I mean, Champion Chase is a hundred times funnier than Bill Murray. He's doing the lip fucking nonsense thing. I just never thought he was funny in that movie. Yeah, he went way over the two.

You got cartoonie in that movie. Yeah. You varmint, I don't know, all that shit. Is he dumb? Is he retarded? Is he stoned? What is it? And Chevy, I mean, with the massage, oh, now I've done it.

I mean, he's just amazing. You're not good. Yeah, which is one of my favorite lines ever. So even in Ghostbusters, Bill Murray kind of has, he's the comedic relief. He saves that movie in a lot of ways. He's the only funny one in that film. Hands. Well, Moranis is good. Yeah. But he's playing a guy

where Bill Murray's a funny guy. Yeah. I mean, I love him both. It's one of these things where it's hard, but certainly Murray, the much better career, certainly a better dramatic actor. Yeah. And seemingly a nicer guy. But also, plenty of stories about him being a fucking complete piece of shit, too. Both problematic. Yeah.

As you would say, quote unquote. Now, speaking of problematic, speaking of things. Lay it on me, Fatty. Now, this one is a little... tricky because I don't want to get anyone in trouble or fired or whatever. And Sarah's like, you can't tell this story, but I'm like, I can't hold it in. What did Matt Wayne do? So no one knows where I live exactly. No one can't. We have good people. These are good people. They're not tattletale people. You're talking with the listeners? Yeah. Well, they can put this puppy on

Reddit. Your whole dick size will be on the billboard. I think we're okay here. Be cool, everybody. Be cool, Jack. So I live in a building, of course. That's pretty good. And we have a... I'll see you in the building. So, accents. So we have, you know, a door guys,

and we have a super. Yes. Remember, I pitched the idea to you. Super Joe. Super's big. Super Joe. My wife dies. So I have to be the Super.

Toyota Super. It's a good show idea. Yes. But shows are hard to get made. Oh, you got to do it yourself. I got a show story after this. I can't wait to hear it. But anyway, so...

Super Joe, we have a... super. His name's not Joe, but he's a super. Yes. And his name will remain unnamed. Super Salad. What's going on? What do you got a cow up there? Oh, he got a bottom of a drum kit. Oh, fun. What'd you call my wife? Okay. So we got a super. He's a nice guy. You know, he's a working class guy. And I'm a working class guy. Hell yeah. So we try to bond. Because I want people to know, I'm living in a nice luxury building here. I came into some good fortune here. I won the lottery. Patreon. So, but I want to, you know, I get McDonald's delivered.

I got my stupid sweatpants with pistains. And I go, hey, you and me, you know, we're not like these fucking Wall Street assholes. The white trash comes through. So I'm in the, we're in the white trash buddy boys. Sure, sure. A couple of jerky boys. Now, one of the door guys, he's, he befriended him. He's a Puerto Rican fella and he's sweet as pie.

Very nice guy. Okay, watch the knives. There's some good Puerto Ricans. Lewis Jay. This guy. Is she Puerto Rican? I would assume. I think you're right.

She ain't Native American. Who else is there? John Ligizu? I hate that guy. I don't like that guy either. I fucking hate him. He's always bitching. He's my least favorite guy.

This is my impression. He's always doing impression of him in high school. He'd be on a late night. He's like, he's one of these tongue guys. He's like his tongue wagging. He's adjusting his seat. Interesting.

Hey, Conan. Listen to this. I never noticed it. Yeah. Look at this. Tongwagon. Pull up some tongue wagon, wiggling.

I don't know. He's like one of these guys that's like, let me tell you something. He's being kissed. He sucks out loud. And then he fucking also is like, we're not enough of this. It's not enough of that.

He sucks. Well, somebody nailed him to the wall by his dick because he was like, that guy's playing a Latino character. He's not even Latino. And they're like, didn't you play a Italian plumber? Right.

And he was like, do, do, do, do, do. He had to get the hell out of there. That's good. That's very funny I had that about Luigi Eliscape to the pipes But anyways

So I've befriended the door guys And the people They see me as you know I got a hole in my shoe What is that canvas So you don't have to Google The tongue thing How do you Google that

Jaguizamo? A lot of tongue guy Look up late 90s Late night interview You'll see him It's a tongue Oh look at that That is a Puerto Rique

If I ever seen one The chain the hair No tongue I use a big mouth There's a tongue somewhere. I haven't noticed a tongue either. It's a lot of wiggly. All right.

This is the thing, man. So, Conan, there I am. I get pulled over. The cops are, blah, blah, blah. He sucks. My shoes got a tongue. So, uh, what am I talking about? Dung a chick.

Cow tongue. Tung is a fun. Coutail. Jude Simmons. So anyways, we're walking down the building, and so Puerto Rican door guy. and Super are there and then one of the utility guys, whatever, maintenance guys. They're hanging out,

they're having some laughs. So this is, these are my boys. I always go, hey, there we go. How about these fucking rich assholes out here? Yeah, we're the good guys. So I got the baby in tow and my wife. And they're going, oh, we walked down, they're all laughing. It's like a movie. And they go, oh, you got to tell

he's a comedian, you got to tell Joe. The Puerto Rican guy says to the Super. Yeah. You got to tell him this one. And he goes, oh, man, I don't know about this one. I can't, uh... Oh, I can't wait. So I go, all, boys, go easy. My wife's here. You know, I'm thinking this is going to be some dirty, fucking eat-ass joke. Hell yeah. And he's told me a joke before. What's the difference between a man and a woman, a woman fucking shut, doesn't shut up? Those kind of jokes.

Sure, yeah, my favorite. So I'm thinking, all right, Sarah's going to probably hear this, but she's cool. Oh, she's with you. She's with you. I'm saying, it's me and the baby. I'm holding the baby. Got it. And he goes, hey, what do you? Now, this might have, we don't have to bleep this? I don't know. He goes, hey, what do you call a Vietnamese black guy? Ooh.

Vinegar. Hey, that's good. You don't have to bleep that. I go, wow. And Marty, for whatever reason, Marty just, I think he knows something silly. He's going, so he goes like this. It puts his hands over his face, like a peek-a-boo. I think he's doing peek-a-boo, but right away.

And so that was good because it allowed them. to be like, even the baby is offended. But this is what's so crazy. The whole joke is, basically, you can take off the Vietnamese part. Yeah.

The joke is, what do you call a black guy? Yes, yeah, the black pilot joke. And Edward, yes. And this is the joke he does. He works in the building. He's at work.

Like, he's so lucky that it's Sarah and me. I could have, and he's the super, he lives there. Like, he lives in the building with his son and wife. We could, go to the whoever and be like, hi, this man

did a joke to us where he just said the N-word. Basically, he covered two races. Yeah. And I'm like, we walked out, we were like, oh, boy, that's a naughty one. We walked outside, we were like, that was fucking crazy. Wow, that's wild. Crazy. The joke is the hard R-N word.

That's the punchline. With a V in front of it. Yes. Wow. Man, let me write that joke down. because he's not going to use it. I've heard the joke before. Oh, I've never heard that.

What a fucking gamble. This is 2026. Yes. Because didn't you drop, you dropped the naughty lady joke about six months ago, and the super was like, well, I felt guilt because he was like, guess what I'm doing this weekend?

I was like, go into a brothel. That was it. No, Joe Coy. And right away, I was like, I feel better about that. Also, the Puerto Rican guy told the white guy, he'd be like, hit him with this joke.

Whoa. And I'm like, you could at least tell it since you're Puerto Rican. At least have something. Yeah, it's a little brown in there, a little flavor. But can you imagine? Like, I could go, I could have, this would be a fucking New York Times news story. You could be, I'm uncomfortable, I'm triggered, I don't like who I'm living with. This is appalling.

Get them out of here. And Sarah's like, we could have black people in our family. They don't know. I'm like, even removed from that. It's 2026. Most Manhattanites aren't like, Enward. I was kind of shocked and chagrined. Again, there's no red light on the camera.

Is this thing rolling? Yeah, there's no red light in this camera. All right, I just want to make sure. But, uh... The old red light back. Ah, the back of the red light. Yes, yes. What do you make of that?

Well, A, we're both a married, quiffs. At least you got something to talk about. You go back to your apartment where you go, that was crazy. How about that? So that's nice. But again, you're right. And I used to have a joke about this.

Whenever someone's racist around you, you know they trust you. Yeah, I suppose so. Something kind of nice. And you go, it's almost as if he was like, hey, man, you want to hit this joint? And you're like, you're on the clock, but I do want the joint. Right. So he hit the right guy. Yeah, well, it's, you don't know if you want to be complimented or hurt that someone's like, we could say the hardy or Edward around this fellow.

He'll be cool. I'm like, geez, what kind of vibes am I putting out? But, you know, I think it's because I'm not a buttoned up suit guy. Blue collar. Well, that's an interesting thing to analyze. Why is it that lower class, blue collar, maybe what do you call that, lower income people, like horrific offensive jokes and the upper crust is offended by them? Well, that's an easy one.

Please. Because they got bigger fish to fry. They're already about making rent. It's what we talk about with, like, you know, I was talking about my family, and people are like, hey, there's too many white guys working at this comedy club. I'm like, is this a real problem? My mother's like, hey, I'm sick, but I got to get to work. Because if I don't work, I can't pay my thing.

Yes. So some joke about whatever, Mexicans, she's like, I don't give a shit. I got real problems. But I think if you're in the ivory tower, you got no problems up there. Yeah, well, they said, they did a chart and they said, what's up with the, what is the most, did I tell you this? The number one attribute of people who like vote super left, get offended, have blue hair, highly educated. hate comedy. What's the number one trait of all those people?

I don't know. Privileged. They all had a lot of money. They all had a two-parent household. They all grew up in a big house. They all went to Harvard, whatever. So you're kind of like, oh, well, if you guys are getting upset, don't ruin it for the poor Jews.

Right. Poor Jews. Never heard of that, folks. That's true. They're going very well. But anyways, yeah, he tossed it out there. And, oh, man, it's Mickey. Wow.

That is a do wild. So you're just kind of like, you want to be like, I'm cool, but for love of Christ, be careful. You're going to be homeless. You're going to get sacked. Like, this is not 1988. You can't just be dropping the N-word around. I will say that word holds water. Vinegar is just a word.

Yeah. So, or vinegar. But, you know, it's, he's kind of, he's kind of safe. Yeah. He's safe. Yes. I mean, he did just say vinegar, but in reference to a black guy. I mean, on paper, he's clean. Like a lawyer could go, hey, I buy oil and vinegar every night. Right. Or whatever. I put it on my salad.

Yeah. Wouldn't put a black guy on my salad. It should be. It should be called the V word. It really should be. It should be a little salt and V word chips. Yeah. I like that. Maybe that's a bit. Could be a bit. But, boy, it was a spicy meatball, but we couldn't believe it.

We were like, my God. Yowsa. And mostly all I could think about was like, dude, you can't do that. Yeah, yeah. Because if you get the wrong person. Exactly. He hit the right guy. Yeah.

And there was no part of him. And we weren't like this. We were like, goes, oh, boy. Good for you. This guy. Well, remember that Larry David moment, which I think about all the time where he goes, boy, your son's got a huge hog, huh? And he goes, why would you say that about my dick?

And the guy goes, I took a risk. I took a risk. I think about it all of me. My wife's like, why did you say? say that to that fucking bellhop. What are you crazy? I'm like, ah, I went for it. I tried it. Because if it works, it's a celebration. But if it doesn't, yosa, you're going right to jail.

Yeah. By the way, there's more clever Edward jokes. Very clever. Yeah. And no one gets the credit, by the way. I know. Who came up with a, what do you call a black pilot, a vinegar? No one, no one, uh, who somebody wrote that? That's clever. I know. That's a good turn.

Bill Burr had that old bit. He's like, The greatest right in the world, no one knows who he is. Oh, is that right? His example was, what's the difference to be a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips. Yeah, that's a classic. He goes, somebody wrote that. And he's like, but he can't get a job because he's just too racist.

They bring him into a writer's room. And he's like, how about the black? Whatever, and then it went on and out. Well, I used to have this old thing when a crowd got too offended. I go, just because you guys are soft doesn't mean the writing's not good. Because we do this thing where we go, oh, oh, yeah, but it's still just as clever as the dog joke. Right. It just happens to be wildly dark and offensive.

But sometimes I think people go, whoa, just because they want to know, they want people to know, like, I'm not down with this. Yeah, I guess so. But I'm having fun. Right. Sometimes I think people think grown is bad. Yeah. Or not whatever. They're like, oh, they're offended.

They're, what do you call it? Soft or whatever. But I think they're just like, oh, shit. They just recognize it like, you're doing something and I like it. Right. But, you know, the super woken, whatever you're going to call up, they're very, they're very, all about the. people. We've got to help the people. Help the people. The poor people need help and they need housing and they need money and all this. But you want to go, hey, how about you not take their

dirty jokes away? Yeah. If you love them so much, these are the people who say those jokes. Let's keep the jokes. There you go. I saw this video of Ukrainian soldiers and they were like in the trenches and like bullets whizzing over and they were saying like, they were saying like vinegar jokes and just to like stay sane. I'm scared of all these vinegars. All right. Well, they're in the neighborhood. That's what I meant. Chuck's making faces That is a weird loophole vinegar It's a tough one

Yeah Don't keep saying it It's like beloved aunt My favorite chip Don't keep saying it Okay Okay This can be a problem

What do you think Chuck's making a face Oh you're just playing along We're against the word For the record Put that up there That's what I mean If I wasn't clocking it

I'd be a bad guy Good point You clocked Let you hear this joke There you go I'm clocking This ain't cool Yeah. People other than that aren't me.

Right. I'm pretty cool. Clock and balls. Hey, folks. This episode is brought to you by Kints or Quince? How do you say? Quince. Quincy Jones. Your wardrobe needs a winter reset. Quince is here to help you stay warm and look sharp. From basics to statement pieces. I love a statement piece.

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Get on it. Okay. Well, let me say something. Come out of the clock. Yeah, please. I saw F1. Me too. I liked it.

I thought it was fun as heck. It's a popcorn, Hollywood horseshit, but the dialogue is atrocious. But it's a, it does everything you want a movie to do. It's entertaining. It's your root for the guy. There's an up, but a down, and an arc. I liked it. Yeah.

Well, Brad Pitt, very sexy. I could watch him. fuck chucking the ass. And it was cool to see that old, like, Clint Eastwood man type of guy to move. Like, quiet. I can do whatever I want. I push a guy if I hate, if I hate him. But he was still likable.

Boy, I watched Jeremiah Johnson yesterday. Wow. You ever put that puppy? Put that puppy on. Yeah. I mean, I've seen it. Not in a minute, but those are two very different kinds of films. I just had got a wild hair by ass.

I've never watched it. I've seen the meme where Robert Redford goes. Yeah. That's the big meme. Big meme. And it's a cheesy part of the movie, but I loved it. Yeah, it's a fun one. John Milnes.

Milnes? Milnes? Millius. Millius. Yeah. Big, big Republican Psycho did Red Dawn and Conan. Yeah. And took a crack at Apocalypse Now also.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, solid little res on that guy. Extreme Prejudice. Absolutely. We saw the primate. Have you seen that one, Chuck? I want to.

It's a horror picture. It's 86 minutes long, and there's, there ain't nothing to it. You show up and they go, hey, we're a family, we got a monkey, and then it's like two minutes later, Rob Delaney's in it. A couple minutes later, the monkey gets bit. They go, I think you might have rabies. Monkey kills all the people. That's the film.

Not all the people. I'm not giving it anyway. But, I mean, it is, it just cooks with grease. Oh, boy. There's the monkey. He's cool. Oh, he's not cool anymore. That's the film.

92% on Rotten Tomatoes. It's a fun picture. I mean, there's literally zero character development. Wow. Absolutely none. Just a bunch of hot bitches getting killed by monkeys. Oh, my God. That's my fantasy.

It's not bad. All right, I'm in. Prime Aid, it is. Yeah, it's fun. Okay. So, I'm on the flight. This is one of the career highlights for me. I can't wait to hear.

So I'm on a United Flight. I got bumped up to first class. And it's just a flight to Chicago. It's like two hours. hours, whatever. So I got bumped up. Nice seat. I'm in the back. I'm snoring. The guy next to me goes, hey, hey. And I was like, huh? I look up. The waitress is there. What's her name? Flight attendant? Thank you. She goes, sir, sorry to bother you. I have a note for you. So she slides me a note. This is exciting. So I'm like, oh, my God, I'm a walkie. I'm just awoken. This guy's nudging me,

flight attendant waitress, notes. I'm like, what could this be? I thought they were going to say cut your snoring out or get sleep apnea, get a CPAP.

I opened the note, it says, Dear Mark, thanks for flying with us. I'm a huge fan dash the pilot. How about that? The pilot, Jerry,

is in the audience. Holy hell. What do you call a black pilot? Wow. So I go, oh my God. And I go, well,

I hope my don't bomb and she goes so that was fun that was a fun moment. The pilot yeah how about that so you gotta frame that I got I got it in my suitcase I showed the wife she didn't care but I brought it to the

or I walked out to the you leave the plane and the pilot sometimes comes out and does one of these yes exactly he didn't come out he's just sitting there I saw the back of his head I had the note and I went thank you sir thank you and he goes yeah yeah all right all right so that was it He's probably nervous. He doesn't want to meet you.

And he's embarrassed. He wrote a note like a fruitcake. Well, I wrote like me, yes or no, Circle 1, and he didn't partake. But, boy, that I... So I had that moment. I was, like, beaming from that. And I just watched F1. So I had to make my connection.

So I felt like Brad Pitt. I was like, who, who, whew. You know, and somebody went, he's flying, you know? And I ran to the airport. I had like a cheesy-ass F-1 moment. I had music in my ears, just whew! And made it to the... flight and went to Des Moines.

Nice. How was Des Moines? That is a great comedy club. The Des Moines Funny Bone, they take care of you. The crowds were amazing. It's a 300-seat killbox. I like that room. What's the lady's name there?

Ooh, you're going to get me in trouble here. Vinegar, I don't know. I can't remember. Sweetness. Connie. Connie Chung? Remember Connie Chung? Chung Staten?

Eugene Chung was her brother. He was a lineman for the Patriots. What? An Asian lineman? Yeah. And then Connie Chung was... A Rhynezzam? Whatever you call it.

Luz Broadcast. Yeah. Anker. Anchor, baby. Yeah. So... This episode's going to get us canceled. The only problem with the Des Moines Funnybone is the bathroom is in the lobby.

So you're in the green room and the whole place is jam packed and there's a line for the next show and you're like, I got a shit because I'm eating 800 pounds of comedy club food and drinking vodka sodas. All right. So I'm like, I got to shit. My brain's out. So you have to wait for the feature to go on. Then it gets dark. I run to the bathroom. Eight guys see me to go, that's the guy.

I unbuckle. Now I'm shitting with like 12 people in the bathroom who know I'm in there. I'm shitting on the bus. Yeah, well, Denver Comedy Works is like that. The greatest club ever built by a man. And it's the same thing. You've got to walk through the kitchen and the hallway and the whole audience. And this is the problem.

And this is my hypothesis. Yes. And some dingleberries, they see you go into the bathroom. So they go, here's my chair. chance. So they go, oh, I'm going to piss. And then they go and stand next to the urinal and go, hey, you call that a penis? I'm a big fan.

My father's gay. Exactly. And I want to wait. You know, you're wiping your ass. Your pants are on your ankles. Your dick is inside. You're very vulnerable. And they're just waiting there outside.

And I like to do the thing where I wait for everybody to leave. Then I go out of the bathroom and pretend to wash my hands. But they won't leave. So you're like, I guess just got to just got a face it with shit in my fingers. You know, you have a good idea. Bring an extra pair of shoes to the club every night. Put a pair of high. heels on a pair of red pumps.

Wee! You go in there. This is why you're making all the thousands of dollars. You take them in there. You bring in your backpack. You put on the pumps. You go in. Excuse me. That's good.

And then you leave and they don't know. Well, I might get beat up. They go on trans is in here. Well, you don't have to be high heels. That's for, that's for meekedic purposes. But you can put on a pair of clown shoes or moccasins. Yeah, all right. I like it.

I like it. So that's not bad. but yeah, great club, great weekend I got some work done I tried to get an ice joke the whole weekend I hired a filmer guy and he was like, I'm nailing this ice joke this ice is the biggest thing everybody's talking about

the lady got shot in the head and I was just pissing off the crowd they're like, I'm doing well and I'm like, what's that with this ice lady? Who hired her? Alec Baldwin? Dude, too soon. That's really sad.

Keep it moving. So that ruined it. So I got no clip. Right in the face he shot. I know. Three times. Bada bang, right in the face. No, Bueno.

Woo, my goodness. You know, the guy's wife is an M. Is a what? Immigrant. Is that right? Yeah, Filipino broad. Wow, how about that? Yes, no wonder he shot a honky.

What do you call a Filipino? I'm kidding. Filipino a vinegar? Oh, boy, okay. We're going to be in big, big trouble here. You ever have this one with a flight? The flight was at 10 a.m. So you've got to be there at 9.

So I live in Brooklyn So I can leave at 820 and I'll get there With plenty of time So that's a good 40 minute window Now I had the thing where I woke up at 7 I just woke up early Got the baby out

Played with the baby You want to see the baby before you leave Fucked around Punched them in the stomach The whole thing And I'm like man I'm up so early Look at me I did a little workout

I fed the baby whatever I packed my bag And you're like man I'm up so early That you think you have all this time in the world I'm just kind of hanging around of the house. And I look at my phone, it's 850. Yeah, boy. I got to be there in 10 minutes. I was like, what have I done? In my head,

I was like, I have so much time that I just lingered. I know this feeling. Okay. You know me. I'm compulsively early. I'm a psycho. Sometimes you're so early that you're late. Yes. Because you go, all right, well, I got out here five hours early because I hate traffic. My father's gay. So I came out at 11 a.m. So I go, I'm going to

go to the movies, pick some daisies, making apples sauce, and then all of a sudden you go, oh, man, it's Mickey. I have three minutes to get there. Yes, exactly. And then you've got to be the guy

that's like, I'm sorry I'm late, but I was in the area two hours ago. I don't give a shit. Exactly. I'm so glad you get it because it's such a weird, unique, rare,

specific fuck up. Yeah. Oh, what happened? You overslept? No, I got up three hours too early. Right. Yeah, that happens. Now I'm running through the airport

and pilots in the audience. I haven't been gone in so long at the time of recording. I haven't worked the road in, like, I can't even remember. Well, it's got to be, what, November? No, beginning of December, I get something. Okay. And I went to Cleveland for a day, flight to Cleveland. What was the first weekend in December?

Where was I? Do you remember? Where the hell was I? San Fran? No, that's coming up. Oh. Where the fuck did I go? December 5th, 4th, 6th.

Oh, Cleveland with Becca. No, no, no, no. I never saw her. Okay. I swear to God. Where the fuck was it? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

People don't care about this. We're losing viewers. Yeah. I was somewhere, though. Yeah, you were. Jesus fucking tits. Christ, where the hell did I go? Keep it moving.

It's got to be in the cow. Yeah. Where was that? You remember? No, I found Liguizamo. Oh, you got a tongue? Licking? No tongue, but he came out with an eye patch.

Well, all right. That's still sucks. That's wacky. Yeah, he sucks. Ligizamo sucks. same initials. Could you imagine me in the greed room with him at Leto? Like, I'm going to come out with an iPad.

You're like, yeah, that'll get him. I just have never found him of being remotely humorous. There he is. Well, he was a comic, too. She'll see what I mean. Like, see how he's, he's like, hey, he's like doing like. Well, he's a Puerto Rican New Yorker. He's got a big, big mouth with big teeth.

Yeah. He does have a huge soup cooler. And he's all full of baloney. I don't like his face. I don't like him. He's in The Pest. The Pest. That was one of his big movie.

The Pest. Super Barrio, and then he was at the Spike Lee Flick joint. I don't know any of that. Son of Sam. Oh, Summer of Sam. Sorry. I was so excited for that film. I couldn't wait for it, and I thought it was so disappointing.

Every once in a while, I'll go back and try to watch because I love some of son of Sam. Yeah. Son of Dad. The guy? Well, I just like 70s. I read Ladies Gentlemen in the Bronx is Burning. One of the great books of all time. I love Summer fucking Murder.

Yeah. The garbage strike and the lights go out. Blackout. The people are killing and great stuff. Yes. So you're like, oh, my God, a movie about that thing I'm interested in. And then I thought it just stuck. Ah, shit.

Maybe I suck. I don't know. We all stick. Vinegar. Where was I? Vinegar, please. What do you got else? What else are you cooking with?

Where the hell did I go? When's the last time I saw Matt Wayne and we did a show? Oh, he was hoping his mother would die because she had a brain thing. By the way, I'm going to L.A. this week, I try to get Monez. Where is he? He's booked. He's the best. I'm in Vegas with him this weekend.

Oh, that's what it is. He's fun. Well, he's fun to talk with. I would love to. You can get some real good talking in. What are we talking? Dirt on comics. We're talking gossip.

We're talking news. We're talking politics. What are we talking? Oh, the whole. He's very opinionated. Okay. He's got funny takes and smart takes. Does he agree or disagree with you?

Oh, he agrees. Yeah. He's an agreeing guy. What's that face? Well, I'm trying to look up the dates you're thinking of. Yeah. This is when you're offered drugs and there's like a girls that want you to force them. Oh, that's it.

That's it. Kentucky. Lexington, Kentucky. Lex. Yes. Oh, we figured it out. That was the last time I was on the road. It's been eight months.

Wow. So I'm going to Vegas. I got Luke opening and Derek's coming. Wow. And Noah Garden Shorts is going to hang. Hey, I love the Schwartz. A bunch of six-foot-five Jews and Derek. Yeah, and you.

Yeah. I think there's something in there. I told you, I went to Auschwitz, and Joseph List is in the list. Whoa. I think I might have something. Two lists. Yeah. In the Holocaust.

Anyways, how about this one? So I've been doing yoga, you know, hoping to bump into an X. Sure. I did a hot yoga here in the financial district. Id yoga, I think it's called ID or Id. I think it might be Ed. Ed. Like ego and I.

Oh, sure. What is the id? I don't know. Is the ego, the id, and the odyssey, or what is it? Ego, id, and... Odd? I think the Eid is like... Candlestick maker. The candlestick maker.

Yeah. That is another... There's like the opposite of the ego. The id is the... The brain, the subconscious? On drugs. It's like the unfiltered, whatever you... Yeah.

It's the id, you know. I'd go. I see. I see. It is big. It's big. Ego is bigger. Best left unsolved. Got it. But I thought there was three of them. The id, the ego and the pinta. Super ego. Yes. The super ego. That's the super ego. That's the... The vinegar guy. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Well, we'll get to the bottom of that later. This is... This is Id Yoga. So you're in Yid Yoga. We go to Ed Yoga. Hot yoga. I mean, it's 110 if it's a foot. It's hot in there. That's what a hobo should go to, just to warm up. I suppose. I think he'd die in there. Oh, okay. Well, if he's freezing out under the overpass, get some hid.

Well, this is the thing. As crusty and cool, as hippy as these people, yoga people are, a homeless guy walks in and they're like, get the fuck out of the studio. That's true. They're a little, they're elites. They're elites. And so, you know, I've been doing a lot of yoga for 20 years now. Sarah went to this yoga class the day before, and she's like, oh, you'd love it. She's like, every girl is so hot. They're smoking hot. And I go, great, even better. I'm in. Beautiful. I go. I'm all excited for the hot girls. It's 150 degrees in there. Next to me is the hottest man I've ever seen.

Just a hot guy with sleevy tattoos. On the other side, just the fattest pig I ever saw. A Rupert? A New Year's Resolution pig. Oh, yes, yes. She's like, I'm getting in there. I'm going to start doing yoga. This lady weighs 220. Sure. Get the OZM, you cow. And you want to go, can we switch spots? Because I was there early. Because I wanted to get as much looking in as I could. Oh, but now you've got a big old raw hide staring at you.

So I'm sitting there going, I got the good spot. And first, this guy comes. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ, I'll be staring at this guy's asshole. And then this thing beaches. Great film. So, my God. Jesus. In beneath my wings.

Just Jesus Christ. So anyways, the instructor has got like a wacky eye. She's got like a... A ligazamo. I see. Which is fine, whatever. But then... Is she hot at least, with a wacky eye?

No, no. So she's teaching the class. And, you know, yoga can be tough because they give out instructions like it's fast. Like the gulog. Take your left leg, put it up over your asshole, take your right foot, put it to... Turn it all about. That's what's all about. Left foot blue, red foot green.

So you get mixed up sometimes. Sure. And then at one point, she goes, am I speaking English today? What's going on here? Oh. It was a little like a little gnarly where I was like, oh, boy, someone's in trouble. Sure. This is funky.

It takes you out of the yoganess. Bobnarly. Afterwards, is that Spike Lee? I'm not even joking. No, that was a lady. Yeah, ugly lady. So I come out and, you know, it's 120. I'm fucking sweating.

I'm dying. Does it feel good to get that evil out of you? You get the toxins out? Yes. Toxin. Male. Beautiful. It's great, great, great stuff.

We should go to do yoga together. Do a Patreon. I can't stretch. I did it with Ari on the roof once, and he was like, I've never seen anyone this unlimber. But Ari's a full of shit nuts. It's not hot. You know, you're probably doing some wacky stuff. He's being silly.

You've got to go in the 120-degree room and you got to get some hot bitches around. All right, all right. That makes you do anything. Yeah, it's like with those NBA players, you ever see those NBA players where they got like, oh, they got Kylie Jenner and Sidney Sweetie in the front row, and they're like, woo, woo, woo, woo, you know, they're doing like 360 windmill helicopter dunks, because

they're like, I got some shits out of here. I got, I got impressed. Exactly. It's just you and Ari, I'd be like, yeah, I'm not even doing this at all. I couldn't even touch my knee. How about Ari did this video with Sarah in our basement? I'm like, what's this? He's added some contact. Can I do yoga with your wife

in your basement while you're out of town? I'm like, what are you nuts? It's a bad sentence. So anyways, he's He's got a huge dick, big balls. Big nose. His balls are so big, they're detrimental to his dick. He's got a huge pipe of a dick. He's got a solid dreidel.

But his balls are so huge, no one even talks about it. That's true. That's why he just whips the balls out sometimes, because we don't even need the dong. Right. Well, anyway. The sides are bigger than the entree. Eugene Dong. This is one of the best episodes in history.

I mean, this is historic. Dong story short. It's historic. What was I talking? Oh, so I come out of the yoga class. I'm pouring sweat. All the chicks are getting dressed. And the instructor goes, the instructor goes, hey, sorry, I was hard on you in there.

And I was like, me. I realize that my speaking English was directed towards me. Oh. Because I didn't know. She's like, sorry, I was riding you in there. And I was like, me. Oh, you were too busy looking at the rider. She's like, I'm trying to protect your knee.

Yes, exactly. I couldn't tell because there was a dude in the whale, the squid of the whale next to me. So I didn't realize I was the one that was like, hey, am I speaking English over here? Oh, wow. She apologized afterwards. I felt embarrassed. I was like, oh, geez. Damn, what happened?

You're usually pretty limber. Well, I'm limber, but I think I pointed my toes the wrong direction. Because another time she was like, don't change your foot unless I tell you to. And she's like, I was just looking out for your knees. And I'm like, well, don't worry about my knees, whatever. And my nephew. So anyways, I don't know if that's funny. That's crazy.

and you don't think it, you never think it's you. Because you go, look at this fat piece of shit. I'm, I'm all right. I'm going to skate through this. Well, you know, don't get me wrong. I'm no yoga expert, but I just thought, like, there's 50 people in the room. So one of the chances, it's a reference to me. So I was like, boy, someone's getting in trouble over there.

And then afterwards she was like, sorry that I yelled at you, you dip shit. Well, by the way, again, much like the super, she's lucky you're a cool laid-back honky because you can't be going, you learn, you know English to a fucking a migrant out there. Exactly. Now, that's offensive. Good point. I could have said, hey, fuck you. I got a learning disability, bitch.

Ooh, that's good. I'm deaf in one ear. I like it. I'm dyslexic and have discalcula. Bingo. That's just a BL. Beautiful lines woman. Yeah, yeah.

Well, hey, I mean, I can't say that. Never mind. All right. Shit. If you can't say it on this episode, my God. Well, it's not offensive. It's big news. I'm not allowed by law to divulge.

I'll tell you off here. I'll tell you off here. You'll remind me, because I won't remember. You see Sal Volcano get popped? What? He got, you know, dragged. Oh, for what? You see this?

I'm always worried about Sal. It seems pretty slight. It was slight, but he got, you know, he got attacked or whatever online. Not attacked, but, you know, he got, what do they call that, a frag? There's a word for it with the, with the internet. He got zing, zig, zigzag, tallywag, give a dog a bone. No. He got, oh, what's the word for it?

Oh, I ratioed. No, that's one of them, but it's, uh, the kids say it. He got, he got swatted, swatted. Swatted. Swatted. I don't know swatted. Swatted is when they all come at you and just start fucking, hey, you suck, kill yourself, cancel this guy. They swat you.

That's what they call it. Because we got to stop saying cancel. Because it's always that one guy goes, Louis wasn't canceled, he's a millionaire. You're like, all right. It doesn't mean literally canceled like he's a TV show in the 80s. It means he got in trouble or whatever. So he got swatted. Apparently, it's a crazy story.

He put out a poster. He has a social media team because he's doing very well. And he put out a poster, hey, this is my dates. And he said, put some sound on it, some music on it. Oh, I did hear about this. Sorry, yes, yes, I did hear about this. TikTok auto-generated some one of his... queefs at home was like,

put it out automatic music and it put a Nick Fuentes clip or like sound bite. How does that happen? I don't get it. I think it's just all generated sound bites. Hey, you got, you got play that funky music white boy, and then you got Nick Fuentes,

then you got Andrew Tate, and then you got Tony Robbins. It's all sound. So they put the Nick Fuentes and it's like, I'm a real vinegar, I'll see in hell, honky, bitch,

fag, uh, gays should, go to hell, whatever. And so that's just Sal's poster, come see me in my dates, and then, like, kill the N-words. Oh, boy.

So it was a bad look. So everybody, rightfully so, everybody's like, what the hell is this? Why is he promoting himself with this? And he didn't even know he did it. So then... So it was like a glitch in the... It was a glitch in the Matrix.

Right. So it just went out there, and he went to work and got laid and had an ice cream code, and he came back to his phone. He was like, holy shit, I'm a white supremacist. Boy, that's my worst.

nightmare. So then he had to make a statement and, you know, I picture with a bunch of microphones in front of. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Camera's going off. But the funny thing is he got a lot of trouble or whatever. He got some heat. But then I asked him about it goes, my tickets went way up. So any presses, good press is kind of real. I mean, unless you're a pedophile. I heard that about Chris Red. Chris Red did a big fan. He was emotional and someone was like he added four shows. There you go. I did that bullshit prank show. Remember that where I had a guy come on stage. Yeah, I was terrified. I was worried about you. Terrifying. And I had two shows of the Beacon. It was one of these gifts from God. We sold one out. The other one was struggling.

Very much, it's a 3,000-seat theater. I think we sold like four tickets for the second show. That happened. It sold out. Crazy. I got to come up with something. I told Sean Murphy. Go watch Sean Murphy's special. It's on my YouTube. He's a killer comic, funny guy. I was like, you got to go kill a dog in public, do something. Strangle a baby. Fight a fight a fat lady something maybe i'll chop my dick off oh wow you know that could help your career too if you get a wig good point uh-huh so yeah so it's just been a well chris red that came out of nowhere i still haven't seen it i just heard someone was telling me about it in the green room at the stand was like oh my god huge it's heavy i mean he's like yeah it was on pills i sold a lot of pills

don't worry i'm not going to snitch on who but i had a real problem wow well good for him for getting things together the weird thing was the pills were atarol. And I was like, Adderall. That doesn't really, like, alter your choices. No one's like, I took Adderall, and then I stole a cop's gun. I think if you did it enough, right? I bet if you did six, seven Adderall, you start getting a little wacky, I imagine. I guess. You probably write a term paper and read the Quran. I don't know if you're

going to, I think you're more focused-based. I never did any Adderall. Oh, I'll give you some. I'm okay. You would love it. I might need some Adderall. I can't focus on anything. I got 78 projects going on. They're all half-baked. I would say that's like a superpower. Don't do Adderall because that'll calm you down maybe. Right.

They say if you have ADD, you take Adderall. You actually level out. I don't have ADD. I take Adderall and I'm baiting the barn. Right. Interesting. Yeah. I could learn physics.

Vesox. Vesox on Adderall. But, yeah. So good for Chris Red for coming clean. all that and then good for Sal for not being Nick Quinty. Yeah. There's a good man. I got one last quick thing. We got time for it? Oh, all right.

Well, so, what day? Saturday. I was home this weekend. So sometimes you wake up and you go, I got a fucking wild cuntare up my asshole. I love it. I go, we're going to the village. You know, we take turns waking up early. I come out. I'm dressed. I go, pack up, we're going out. We're going to the village. We're going to have a day.

It sounds like, it's going to rain. I'm like, I don't give a shit. It's not raining until 1 p.m. So we get up, we go to the village. I'm like, I bought Sarah a gift card to Bedford Vintage over your neck of the way. Okay. Bedford, Beth and Beyond. What is that great bookstore on your old street?

Three lives or three of us live, three dog night, whatever. Yeah. I guess you're not a bookstore. But, no, never went in there. They're not the kind of guys that write letters, man. So anyways, I go, we're going there. There's a playground. We'll go to La Bonbe. La Bonnier.

La Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bo Bar. And we'll go to the bookstore. We'll go to the vintage store. We'll do a big, all pipes before nap time. I love a big all pipe. Man, you get to ride the subway. This is a nice about a two-year-old. You go, we're going to the subway.

It's the best day of his life. He's doing backflips. He's pissing in his own mouth. He can't wait. That's great. So, which to us is a nightmare. I've got to take the two all the way up town. It's a local trip.

Whatever. I've got to take the one local. Sure. It's 15 stops. It's weekend service. But he's like, shit and come. He's never been happier.

Fiss in your mouth. He's Mar Kelly. Not bad. Take a swing. So. Take a risk. Bill Mar Kelly. Maybe that's a character.

Next Halloween. Yeah. Bill Mar Kelly. You know, he's very poplisses on the audience. That's not bad. You know. You know, Islam and he's pissing. Maybe you can do R. Kelly, but it's Robert Kelly as R. Kelly.

Oh. Robert R. Kelly. Robert R. Kelly. Maybe there's an R. Kennedy in there. RFK. Get everything going. The voice of a generation.

So, we get it all together. We go, we're going to go. We go up to the playground. We play for a while, which is fun because it's a different neighborhood. It's just fun to change things up. Great thing about New York. Yeah. So it's awesome.

So we play in the playground. That's exciting. Different parents, different women to look at. Hey, that's lunch. Then we work our way down. We go to the bookstore. We go to this store. We go to that store.

And then I go, finally, go, all right, Sarah's got a gift card. Let's go to the vintage store. Now he can't stay in the vintage store lock Because he wants to break everything He's grabbing earrings He's doing this So there's the music inn You know the music inn?

I love the music inn Been there since the fucking 50s Bob Dylan went there Beautiful old music store You walk in the first floor And it's all guitars and mandolins And shit hanging And it's a little scary

Because it's an old wooden place And it's packed It's cluttered This is not like guitar center It cluttered exactly So I go Can he I walk in Clang Ongoing

And it's an old man who's 350 years old. Sitting in a chair with a big beard. Exactly. Beard past his asshole. And I go, can he be in here? And the guy's like, well, is you going to behave? Oh, geez. I can't have him knocking stuff over and shitting and breaking the instruments and shitting everywhere.

This is old New York. It's a sweet green. Yeah. And I go, well, yeah, I'll hold him. I won't let him touch anything. Now, Marty, he's obsessed with instruments because we have three guitars in the house. I bought him bongos for Christmas. He loves every instrument.

He knows the trombone. and he knows everything. So, you know, we're into music over there. So he's already like, let me fucking, I want to play with everything. And he goes, why don't you take him downstairs? That's where all the percussion is. He can play with the stuff down there. Okay, beat on something.

So I go, okay. So we walk downstairs. Now, this is New York. This is the oldest staircase. The angle is like this. It's a 90-degree, it's almost like a ladder. So I'm carrying him. He's wiggling and excited.

Yeah. It's one of these, watch your head. Oh, yeah. So you got a duck and hold on. And I go, okay, we make it down there. And it's bongos everywhere. Shakers, bongos, eggs. Kid heaven.

There's a piano. He's banging on. I posted on Joe List photography. There's a bunch of photos of the place and a video. So he right away runs over to this old, it's like home alone. It's like a bunch of, what do you call that, shelves? And the shelf has got all the shaker eggs and, rattling things.

We've been in there for four seconds. He goes, oh, eggs. He goes to grab one. The whole shelf break. What the fuck? It was like home alone and buses room. Oh, my God.

And it's percussion instruments. So it goes, it goes, it's like an Asian phone book. And he's just face down in the thing and I'm like, oh my God, this is historic. We're going to get thrown out. And I go, sorry.

I don't hear anything. up there. It was perfect comedy. He just Chris Farley this thing. He's like he's all right. He could have gotten hit with a big old snare. Well, he's totally fine. And he just gets up and grabs the egg and just goes, and I mean, stuff

is everywhere, so I had to be like, well, I'm fixing it. Don't you worry? Everything's good. It was within four seconds. I mean, it was like perfect physical comedy. Well, you know they do an open bike down there. Yeah, there's chairs and everything down there. It's beautiful. Not anymore. I've got the whole setup.

Wow, he trashed the joint. He just farleyed it right away. For the guy's credit, he didn't come down or say anything. He didn't scream or nothing. So you just high-tailed out of there? No, no, we still put it all back together. It was like a shelf that's like balancing on like two little screws. You kind of just put it back on and you put everything back in.

Wow. But it was like, oh, my Christ. Then he was banging the piano and playing. They were very cool. We spent like 45 minutes down there. Oh, nice. And we ended up going back. to the vintage. She doesn't make a decision. She doesn't try anything on.

She used to look. And then we opened the door and he goes, that was fun. Oh, that's cool. Imagine you had that on tape. Just that full shelf collapsing. It was perfect comedy, but it couldn't have been louder. I mean, not just a shelf, but a shelf filled with percussion instrument. Yes. Buzz's girlfriend, woof. So that was beautiful.

Did you see Marv got popped with a hooker? I saw that, and the same weekend, Timothy Busfield was a pedophile. Oh, the actor. He's from 30-something and feel the dreams, and he's been in other shit. Wow. So Marv was prostituting, huh? And every

comment is sticky banded, wet banded, you know, blah, blah, blah. Well, poor guy. Poor guy. Daniel Sterran is such a talent, too. And this is going to be part of his legacy. He's getting popped with a lady of the night. Could have played Kramer. That's one of my claims. I agree. One of the only guys that could have Kramer did it up.

Yeah, he was in Bushwacked. What else was he? Oh, yeah. Bushwack. Diner? Diner, he's great. He does the test to the woman. Celtic Pride. Oh, yeah. Celtic Pride. Yeah, yeah.

It's him and Damon Wains, isn't it? Did Colin Quinn write that? Yes, he did. Whoa. I think it got all re-scooped up. They did a bunch of shit to it. Damn. Well, there you go, folks.

I hope Marty's okay. I feel like we've been two hours long here. Are we not? 57. Oh, okay. We've got to do some dates here. Heinz 57. Hi, 57.

French fried potatoes. Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer. All right, well, Chuck, when does this come out? Because we've had Lex here. I have no idea what month we're in. This comes out, it's Monday. What? Yeah, the 19th. Holy shit. This comes out.

They come out really quick. People always think we record in badges, but they come out quick. All right. Good. Good to know. We did a lot of topical. We did Marv. We did Sal. We did vinegar. All right. Well, so then And that's the case. That's the case that they gave me.

Where am I? Oh, Thursday, I'm in Asheville at the Orange Peel. That thing's almost sold out. Who are you, Jack Johnson? Holy moly. You're like Bob Weir. RIP. RIP, Weary.

And then Charlotte... Funnybone, or no. What is that? Comedy Zone. Comedy Zone. This weekend. Carolina, this weekend. Asheville and Charlotte.

January 31st, Atlantic City. Come to that. That's a big old fucking massive theater. Nobody bought tickets so far. AC's tough. Vegas with AIDS. Tough, tough market down there. Air conditioning. And then I got a bunch of stuff coming up. I got Levittown, Long Island. I got, um, oh, San Francisco on Valentine's Day. 13, 14, 15, Cobbs. That's selling very well. Hell yeah. Vancouver. That's almost sold out. So get that one night only Rio theater. And a bunch of other stuff coming up. Long Island. Toledo.

Damn. Quimbaugh. Columbus. Funny bone? Yeah. Hell yeah. That's the best one. A bunch of other shit.

Los Angeles. We're going to do a live Tuesdays. The Netflix festival. That's at the improv. Improv. Comedy Club. Headlining a show there. The seventh, also at the improv.

Who, who, who, who. Which is also funny because then I'm doing a spot on one of our friends's big theater shows that's paying double what my headlining show is, which is hilarious. Is that Bert? No. Okay. I said friends. Thai food

Cut that Just kidding Cut that Cut and print Cut this motherfucker right here I gotta pee All right That's it

Oh go by the movie Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian Hey I'm in Oregon next week In Bend And in Grand Ron That's almost sold out New Jersey New Brunswick

Stress Factory Come on by That's gonna move San Antonio Yeah Coming down there Texas big room LOL

Tulsa Oklahoma. Never been there for this comedy club. I've done a little theater there, but let's do Tulsa. And then I'm in Indianapolis, Buffalo, Spokane, Seattle, all kinds of fun dates, queef it up, get some bodega cat, get on the Patreon. Checkles. It's a banger. I thought you're in Spokane every six weeks, by the way.

I've been to Spokane in years. Because I always hear Jeremy Spokane. You know what's about a real kid? Of course I know that. Okay. Crazy? Jeremy Runner. All right.

What do you got there, Chuck Cheek? Check out my podcast. Funbearable. We just started our Patreon, and it's doing a lot better than I expected. Whoa. Yeah. So go to Funbearablepod.com. The link to the Patreon is right at the top of the page.

We got a lot of fun stuff coming up and coming out on the Patreon. Hey, Chuck's coming out. You heard of here first, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Sorry, Linguizamo. We love you, Johnny.