Tuesdays with Stories! - #640 Dust Him Off, Man

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

Mark starts doing afternoon comedy shows and tries to do late night pods! Joe makes a big announcement about Skankfest 2026! Joe goes to Vegas with Luke Mones and comes back as Daddy Warbucks! It's Tuesdays!   Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15 Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays   Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15 Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify at https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays  

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at men. Life is good. It sounds like, y'all unblood. That was a one-hit one, huh? I think so. I don't think that guy did any other artistry. UHF, is that what that was?

U.H, that's a movie with a weird owl. EFM, EMF. EMF. I think. Look that up. You're unbelievable. I think it was EMF or Y2K, something like that. Yeah, HPV.

I can't remember. HIV. There was ELO. That's Electric Light Orchestra. They are good. They're underrated, I feel like. I was at their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. Come on!

It was ELO, Pearl Jam, and some other assholes. I can't remember. Well, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame gets real loosey-goosey. You know, they're like, hey, we're having Mystical. Yeah. And you're like, mystical. He's not rock and roll. And Warren Zivon just got on.

That guy should be first ballot fucking all-timer. They're all over the road, that Hall of Fame. Jay Giles band, I think hasn't got in. They're trying to get in. What's that, a New Orleans flag over there? Yeah, it is, actually. Good eye, huh? Yeah, why, quite an eye.

It looks like an old condom. You really put that together. I see purple and yellow. I think it's L. Lakers or New Orleans. What's the band? EMF. Woo!

EMF! You're unbelievable! Now, can we get an abbreviation what that is? Electric mother fucker. All right. Electric mother's pretty good. Bleep would you?

I don't want to get demonetized and thrown out. Let me put a note to make an extra video of that. Just boop, boop. There you go. Well, you beep it. Beep boop, boop. You got the bleeps and the meaps and the seeps. I mean, EMF in general stands for electromagnetic field.

Ah, like ACDC. Maybe. Right. Let me see. Which some people thought was gay. That was like a big thing. ACDC is gay. Do you ever hear that?

That was like a big rumor. AID. What's that? Oh, AIDS. Yeah, that's very gay. Boy, that was rough, huh? Tough tie. AIDS is cool now.

Happy to miss AIDS. I know, but like Johnson's still kicking. The other guy, Charlie Sheen, making movies with AIDS. HIV's no big deal. It's good for you. Makes your son a weirdo, barely. The band's EMF name is an acronym primarily understood as Ebsom Mad Funkers. That's why you're a one-hit wonder.

Get out of here. By the way. Last night, I came home late for me, you know, 10.30, whatever. Yikes. But I got to be in bed by 11 or else I'm whatever the fuck. Something's funny. Yeah. A pumpkin?

The Rip The new Affleck Dayman I'm like 30 minutes in This movie is stunning It's wonderful It's like a horror movie It's fun I'm only at the setup

I'm only at the setup So Okay okay Don't give anything away here But I didn't We were just I was just shitting on it You hated it?

Well get through it Get through it It's a little As Louis would say It's a little samey I feel like I've seen this movie 600 times Well it's definitely

I mean I was LOLing at one point I mean I'm only 30 minutes in But when they're sitting In like the locker room In front of the mirror It's like the mirror and Affleck's like, I mean, Damon's like, I don't know, man.

Time just passes and I don't know about time. I was like laughing. It's very silly. There's some cheese. A lot of cheese. But then the setup is fun because it's like a horror movie where the cops come down. And they're like, woo, and it's dark. And you're like, we got to hunker down.

So I was enjoying it. But I'm enjoying it in a way. I'm not like, oh my God, this is fucking Felini. I'm like, ah, it's 1030 at night. I'm sucking my own dick. It's a fun action flick, a who done it. You got a hunker, Marty Hunkhouser. But it's just like tropey as hell.

Hey, what did you say to me? You heard me, bitch. Then they fight in the office. Yes, that was very silly. That's why, you know, he's fighting with his brother. What's that? That's his brother. Oh, okay, God, we're going to lay that down.

They got to lay all the pipe. Yeah, there's a lot of that. There's a lot of that. And they're like, well, I'm not a cop murder. Are you a cop murder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun, silly. And I've been saying this.

It's not enough just cop. I agree. Give me some good old-fashioned. Two cops. Is one bad? He's got a tattoo and a chain thing around his neck. Less superhero, more cop-hero. Give me some cop shit.

And you know, this could be the future. First of its kind, they offered incentives to the actors if it does well on Netflix, which might be the future. That's big. Good for them. These guys are breaking barriers, racial, sound, whatever barrier. But did you hear that Netflix made them? add like gotta repeat the plot points.

I heard there. The retards are on the phone. They're all on a rotary, so you gotta make spoon feed them. I heard Damon say that. That should be on the audience. Rewind it if you can't follow it. Well, you gotta get the masses, fat man.

There, a bunch of homos. But did you see my big Goodwill hunting plot hole? I saw it. You see this? You see this? It's big.

Chuck, Chuck and Chuck. The car. The car. Yeah, some of the car. Big scene. They give them the car. Happy 21. You know how friends just give each other cars. Sure, especially poor ones. Don't have to register it or anything. They just give them a car. Yeah. Hey, you got your new job. You're going to be driving to Cambridge. I ain't picking you up anymore. So happy 21. Take your car. It's a real beater. 30 seconds later. There they are. Picking them up. And you think one of them would go, hey, I don't see the car. He's probably out.

That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah. I bet he went somewhere. He'd see about a girl. And then Affleck has to do the big face acting, he's like, Yes, yes. He's gone. And why no goodbye? Why is he like every day, I hope that you leave and don't say anything?

Yeah, that's true. Why not just be like every day I hope that you'll call me and say, hey, I'm going to go. Yeah, that's true. I got you a fucking car, no buy? Yeah. I'm going to thank you. A hug. A text, a high five, a butt pat, something.

And my other problem with the movie, that movie is amazing because it's so brilliant and so hard. all at once. It's just, you swing back and forth from retarded to great. Now, do you have a, because that's, that could be a great bit.

But then Louis has the Goodwill hunting plot hole bit. And so you're like, now am I doing a second plot hole for this movie in a bit? He's got that one. And then, but also the funniest thing

that I would like to do is a bit, but it's, again, it's hard enough to do a movie, a joke about a movie that came out 27 years ago and he already has one. But the funniest part

of the whole thing is that the, psychiatrists are quitting because Matt Damon calls him gay. He's like, hey, do you have a hard time hiding that you're gay? And he's like, I can't do it. Well, it's the 90s, Jerry. I'm quitting. Like, why wouldn't, a therapist would be like, why are you deflecting?

I don't understand. Are you gay? Yeah, good point. Like, he's literally like, I just can't handle this man. Yeah. He called me gay. That's a good point. It's insane.

And then the other one, he starts singing the guys like, I don't have time for this shit. He's singing in there. I quit. He's supposed to be the best psychiatrist in the world. But he can't handle this loose cannon who's singing. He brings it a genius and he's saying Star Rockets in Flight or whatever the fuck. So they're like, we can't do this. I also had, look, these are all great plot points.

My problem with that movie is he's sitting there with Robin Williams. They're like really opening up. He's finally, you know, letting a man into his life. He was beaten with a wrench. Okay. He's like, my dad put down a wrench, a traffic cone, and a piano leg. and he really went to town. I'm like, you'd be mangled.

You'd be dead. A wrench? It'd be retarded. You'd be retarded. You'd have fucking like elephant man head. If you got hit with a wrench over and over. It'd be all fucked up. They'd be like, I always took the wrench because fuck him.

Fuck him. Take the, uh, the cat of nine tails. A stick or whatever. Yeah. So then that's one thing. And then Robin Williams was like, yeah, my wife, she farted. And they're like, ah!

Yeah, he's dying. They're dying, and that's how they connect. I'm like, oh, the wife farted. This is the height of humor here. What are you, Carlin? Is that Richard Pryor over there? And farted and woke her up. But yeah, Damon loses his mind on that one.

He's like, ha, ha, ha. She woke up? Yeah, the plain blowjob joke is way better than the fart thing. Also, to see about a girl, he could be like, hey, great to me. Give me your number. Right. And then she gives the number. He's like, I'm going to call you first thing tomorrow morning,

but I got tickets to games. six of the world series. Right. How hot is she? Yes. Just get the fucking number. Not that. She's farting in her sleep.

I don't feel like she's a real catch. But yeah, I don't get the thing of like, we bought him a car. The car's not here. He must have gone and got a snack or something. Now, what's great about that is the movie's 800 years old. No one has mentioned that. Right. You caught it, Fattie.

Thank you. That's very exciting. But, I mean, you're ruining someone's life. These guys who wrote it, they're like, hey, who's this asshole. But still. I think they'll be okay. They're in the rip now. The rip.

But last point, Luke Monis made this point. That's amazing. You watch this movie, and Affleck and Damon, they're 25 years old. They win the Academy Award for Best Scream. They're two buddies, neighbors. Very exciting. They write this movie. They get it made.

They star in it. They get the Oscar and the thing, and they're the hottest guys. What are the chances that one of their kid brother is by far more talented than both of them? The best actor in there, and it's not even close. Great actor. He's just this schmucky kid. He's amazing in that movie. And I will say this about this movie.

In that movie? Oh, he's awesome. He's got such a little dick. He's got a lot of parts. A lot of funny lines. Chuck, I had a double burger. Oh, yeah. He's great.

And also, the funniest part of the whole movie is when they give him the car and he goes, Morgan wanted to get you a T-pass. And he goes, that's not what I was saying. Which is hilarious because there was some conversation we didn't see where they're like, we're going to get him a car. And he's like, what are you nuts? Right. We'll get him a train.

But a train ticket, whatever. but I will say this, the scene in the bar where they bring many mini driver down there to meet them all is one of the best ever depictions of a bar hang telling stories and jokes, which is so hard to get right in movies. Most scenes you watch in a movie with it like, all right, let's have them hanging out. Yeah.

It sucks. It's cheesy. It looks forced and stupid. It's a bad story. They're so good. And that other guy whose name I forget, who's in dazed and confused. The blonde guy. Yeah, he was incredible.

he's fucking awesome so there's great moments in that movie and uh good point about Casey though he is a I mean what's that Manchester by my ass

he's unbelievable incredible the town is he in the town no no the gone baby gone which is amazing great abortion title great

that's good point thank you that's a great movie and uh all right hell yeah yeah hey how about this one

you ever have a joke you think of six years later Brad Williams was talking about getting head? How do we miss? That's a real low blow. Hey. I was in the shower. That's very good. Oh, I missed out on low blow at the live app. Oh, boy, that sucks. That's what's great about stand-up. Yes. Get another crack at it. Crack. I love crack. Amico. And I'm sure you'll get another podcast with Brad. Come on B-dubs. Let's set it up. Small world. He's a funny guy.

Just for one line, then I'm leaving. I'm doing that line in the first eight minutes, and I am. By the way, every time we have a podcast at a festival, first text is, let's get Brad Williams. Ah, well, he's a joke bag, that little Nazi. Yeah, small bag, small ball, YouTube. There you go, a million views, folks. Yep. You got that straight. I got to get some jeans, because all I want to do is touch my dick.

I got a thin layer of whatever. I'm just beaten off over here. Yeah, thin layer of Aberdeen. Anyways, Aberdeen? No, that's where Kurt Cobain's. from. There's a Seinfeld line. Is it just up between a...

Gaberdine? Is it Gaberdine? Grab her dean? Grab her clean. Paula Dean. Oh, she was good. What a hilarious fuck up that was. You ever say the N-word?

I got to admit. I don't feel good about it, but I did. Get her! Get her! It's like hilarious! I know. But the beauty of that was, all these black guys made videos like,

man, I had her chicken. She can say it. Right, right. That's got to feel good to be a big deany. Yeah, I would love to get permission to say the N-word as much as I want. I've had permission and don't believe it. They're lying to you. I know, I know.

They go, say it. Say it. Say it. That was my whole childhood. Then you say it. Then here comes the wrench, the whip and the other thing. Well, don't say whip. Jesus Christ.

Sorry. Whip it good. Too soon. Cool whip. Whip is now what they call cars. I heard about that. I discovered that right here. My whip.

Yeah, which is, you know. Gabardine. Gabardine. Gabardine. Some kind of fabric. Gabardine. Gabardine. Yeah.

What were we saying? Grabher Dean. Similar. Gaberdine. Gabbardine. There's no R. Got a gift of Gabbardine. Well, let's get in it.

Wait, yeah, we were going somewhere. Oh, the rip. The rip. I listened to them on Rogan. It was fun. Affleck is poignant. I mean, he's got great AI takes. He's on it.

He's a smart guy. He looked like he didn't want. I feel like there's a little part of him that hates Rogan. I mean, who doesn't? Well, you know, he's a big liberal guy and all that stuff. I never really. Oh, yeah. I remember the Ben-S-Harris.

Yeah, that was like 10 years ago now, by the way. And the microphone, like, he was standing, like, the microphone's like over here. And he just looked like this. I've only seen clips. He just looked like, he was like, ah, this is the thing. We got to go do this thing. Interesting. Well, I will say these are, they're cool guys.

I love how much they love movies. They're just upset. The whole three hours is about movies. I'll give it and listen. It's a fun listen. And it's just cool to see them together and, like, not on Good Morning America. They're having a real conversation. But their stories, because you hear, we know,

comedians. We know all these funny people. Their stories are so blah. And they're trying. But like, Rogan's like, so this UFC fighter and Matt Damon's like, oh, I got to tell you. He cuts the whole thing off. He's like, one time I was hanging out at a UFC fight and this guy walked up to me in a suit. It was Henry Sehudo. He was in a suit. That guy could kick my ass. I'm like, yeah, they wear suits sometimes. But he couldn't believe a UFC fighter was wearing a suit. It blew his mind. Yeah, that's the story stinks. I didn't care for it from you here. Yeah.

We might cut that. That was the point. But then Rogan's like, oh, yeah, crazy. So when the guy, you know, lost an eye or whatever, it was like a real story. Right. It was cute. They were trying. I'll check them out.

They're on everything together. They were on seven other podcasts together. Got to suck to have a duo. Yeah, it wouldn't like it. Ugh. That Damon's hot in that movie, by the way. Goodwill Hunting, I met. Yo, so hot.

The rip, he's got the, uh, the great. whatever beard there. Yeah, he's aging. Aging. Oh, boy. Steve Agee. The comedian? Yeah. I know him. Deep cut. Big of the old seat.

Was there a Mark A.G. too? Oh, yeah. I think there was. Texas? Give that a goog. A.G. A. A.G. And Steve Aegee. Yeah, then there's AG1. Oh, yeah. They're good. Athletic greens. Very good. So I was just in L.A.

Oh, yeah. I saw you at the airport. How about that? Oh, yeah. Delta Lounge bump into. The big bump into full gray sweats top to bottom over here. You got that straight. And by the way, the worst seat in the house. You're sitting right in the middle, right with the entrance, totally exposed next to two old ladies. Yeah, well, they couldn't hear.

And also, I go, I see the first seat. I take it because I'm on a crunch. So I go, I got nine minutes, get all the food I can get, get all the coffee, get all the beverages. I plan it right down there. and then I wolf it down and I leave. I do full laps. I'm trying to find the least offendable, won't listen to me person.

I got to go find some isolation. I find the most comfy seat away from everybody. Yeah, yeah, that is nice. But you get to the airport at the crack of jizz. You got the rooster crowing up your ass and you're already there. I like to get there eight and a half hours early, which, by the way, now I'm going to Carolina this weekend. They're saying historic levels of snow.

And my manager's like, we'll see. if we're going to, this is not the problem. This is the nice thing, weird thing about having, like, good manager and agents. When you're young, you go on a weekend and they're like, there's a blizzard coming. You're like, I guess I live here for a week. Yeah, I did that in Philly. Now they're like, we're not letting you go. That's true.

There's going to be snow. We're going to call it as we see it. We might not be. We're not going to send you into a blizzard. They take care of you. Great. Yeah, yeah. I had that with my agent.

He was like, we got an interview request for this show. And I was like, okay, just let me know when. And then they're like, no, no, no, this is like a Nazi show. You can't do this. I was like, oh, good thing you were there. I would have done it. Nice. Full, you know, regalia.

But yeah, so you see Russia? Did I see Russia? 130 feet of snow. It's like a record-breaking amount of snow in Russia. What? 130 feet? Give it a good. That's 100% of them dead?

People are jumping off skyscrapers and sliding down. It's crazy. You got to see it. They show people's cars. They're buried. This feels like, A-I. It might be A-I. I'm telling you, Fannie.

Maybe they got a different... You can't shovel that. Maybe it's a metric system over there. Yeah, it's got to be a decimal point. 1.3 feet. Yeah. But holy moly, it's records. Well, you forget, I mean, Chuck and I are New England cunts.

I used to have, like, snow forts. You would spend the day, like building a fort. And I saw it in a book. I bought Marty, this book called Snuggle Season. Great Kids' book. Shout out. And we're reading it and I'm like, oh, I forgot about snowball fights and snow angels and snow forts. Yeah.

You would build a home and hide in there inside the snow. And now you get half an inch. It's like, you know, you're like, oh, this is exciting. Chuck's dying over there. How many feet of snow do they get? Don't look at Raleigh. I'm talking of Russia. Russia snow.

What are they got? Six and a half feet. Six and a half feet. Okay. That's pretty good. Six and a half feet's a lot of snow. I'm thinking of centimeters. It's a lot of.

Six feet of snow is crazy. Okay, okay. That's me worth of snow. Look at this. I'm almost six and a half feet. Luke Monis is six and a half feet. Yeah, that's a tall snowbank. It's a lot of snow.

So it sounds like six seven. Oh, shit. Six feet of snow. Your car is going. 24 more feet and that's going to be something else. Yeah, baby. Where'd I get 130? I'm thinking millimeters.

Either way. That six feet of snow is crazy. Thank you. Still crazy. It's crazy. After all these years This is crazy This is crazy

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All right. Let's get going. We haven't even started the fucking thing. So yeah, I did the Brea Improv. Now I got a new thing because I'm doing clubs again because I want to work out some new material because I am plum out. sure the well is dry so uh you go back to the clubs and they go hey you sold out you want to add a show at 3 p m 3 p's crazy you're like cosby that shit or Nate or Nate or Nate yeah so that shit comes up

quick so you go all right how about this you don't want to add the show and then have eight people show up believe it me now I'm here at 3 p.m. with eight people so I go I'll add a show but if we get to less than 100, we got to cancel. And they were like, okay, so that's my new rule. So if we get over 100, I'll do it. So what happens to the 88 people? There's out of luck. I guess they got a free ticket to ride.

I don't know. Okay. So we got about 200. So we do the show. Okay. But then it's weird because it was like not the greatest crowd. 3P is tough. I know, but I'm like, you show it.

Part of you think, hey, if you're here at 3P, you want to see a show. But then they're kind of like, eh. They're also the last ones to buy tickets. That's the other thing with these added shows. These are the people that were like, nah, we're good. And then they see another show and they go, I don't think so. And then they're like, all right, I guess. I guess so, yeah.

I guess we'll try if it's at 3 o'clock. Yeah, I'm still glad you came. I'm grateful, but it's always weird when you're like, oh, this is going to be a ripper. And then you're kind of swimming up there. Three P's tough. I mean, that's my dream, though. I would like to do every show at 3 o'clock. Well, that's...

I'm not going to be done at 4 o'clock. My life would be different. Yeah. Well, the shows are great. Bray is a cute little suburban, just asphalt town with a mall and all that shit. But I did Julian Edelman's pod. Oh, formerly Sam's pod. Huh?

What? Is that not the same pod that he did with Sam? They had a pod? Julian Edelman and Sam Rill. Oh, yeah. What's wrong with you? I forgot about it. that. Well, this is his pot. I don't know. Right, but I think Sam left and he kept going. That's what I thought.

Oh, okay. I don't know if he started a new pod or that's the same pod. But, boy, I'll tell you, you go to this guy's home. It's up in the hills. Beautiful home. You look in the backyard. It's like a rock climbing thing, a coal plunge, a pool, a giant trampoline, a tree house. And then you're like, oh, yeah, this guy was a MVP, I believe. I think he might have won an MVP. A Super Bowl MVP. And he's a Jew. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's got to be the only one. I'm just going to take a leap of faith here and say there's not a ton of Jewish MVP Super Bowl winners. Yeah, I don't know.

Multiple Super Bowls. Multiple. Yeah, I made that great catch. One of the great catches in history. And yeah. And he's 5'10. The list of Jews that are that good at sports is not. It's not a ton, I feel like.

Here's a question. Whoa, buckle up. More Jewish athletes or trans? I mean, professional athletes? I mean, athletes is a very broad statement. That's a good point. I mean, I don't think there's ever been a trans pro athlete. There's been tons of Jew.

What about Leah? Thomas, the swimmer. Was that pro? That's not pro. That's like Olympics, isn't it? I don't think there's professional swimmers. Phelps? Well, I think he gets some.

What are you, endorsements? But I don't think they're like, here's a hundred bucks, go swim. How weird is that? Why can't they be professionals? I think, because you've got to get people to buy tickets to see you, I think. Maybe they're professional. You don't go to see, like, the Toronto Dolphins play the Winnipeg. Flippers.

Yeah. Right, right. I don't think. I don't know. I mean, maybe there's payment. I don't know where the money comes from. I guess, yeah, endorsements, but I've seen swimming on TV. There's a full house.

You know, there's people in the audience. They must buy a coat. but I think that's amateur Olympic-y stuff. Oh, wow. A college swimming. Isn't that crazy? Again, we've covered it forward. Pro wrestling is fake bullshit with pink tights and a folding chair.

And then Olympic wrestling is real meatheads with cauliflower ear. Shouldn't they be pro? Well, I don't understand how pro wrestling even, what do you call it? Exists. Because you have UFC now. You have guys actually kicking each other. I agree. I'm with you.

He drops the elbow. Yeah. And they also literally are like, I'll fucking kill you, matey, or whatever. So it's like... They'll have gay theme name. Like, I'm the shipwrecked. Yeah.

I'm a pirate with one eye. I'm in a wooden leg. And then he's cash money man or whatever. Have the real thing. I agree. But people, these homos, they like the fanfare. They like the hoopla, the drama. They like all the bullshit.

I think so. I mean, Chuck's like shaking over there. This guy loves the WWF. Well, they call Broadway gay, but these guys are all 69ing. And then pile of them. driving with panties on. I think that's why they beat the shit out of the fucking newscasters.

You ever see that guy that slapped the guy twice in the face? Oh, yeah. That's hardcore. And then Roddy Piper almost beat up Bill Maher. Do you ever see that one? No. Oh, that was on the old show, politically incorrect. And Roddy Piper, Rod Stewart, what of the fuck his name is? Bill Maher was like,

it's fake. And he shows up and pulls his ass out and is like, that's an iron fucking thing. Damn, I miss that real time. Oh, yeah. It's politically incorrect. Oh, oh. But then I get annoyed.

But quickly, I'll just say this side note. You can go watch the clip. It's politically incorrect from like 92 or something like that. It's Roddy Piper and Sting and some woman. And he's like, it's fake. And then they're like, fuck you. And then... What does it fuck you?

It is fake. Roddy Piper goes, you ask Owen Hart's mother if it's fake. Which always bother me because I'm like, well, he's like on a thing that broke and he fell and died. That does nothing to do with whether or not it's real or fake. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't like he died from a macho man elbow.

Right, right. It's all like, Hogan leg dropped him and he was like, ah! Yeah, exactly. His fucking belt broke and he fell off the ceiling. That's nothing to do with whether or not wrestling is fake or not. Yeah. Good point.

I mean, a guy died at a Phantom of the Opera. He fell off the top rope or whatever. He didn't, you know, he didn't. It's still fake. Well, it's like if somebody just walked up and shot Ultimate Warrior in the streets, and then you were like, you tell me it's fake? He got shot. Right, right.

Not part of the wrestling, though. Yeah, yeah. So anyways, what do you got there? I forget what we were even talking about. Professional swimmers. It says, yes, there are professional swimmers who compete in events like the Olympics, and they earn salaries and stipends from governing bodies. Oh, interesting.

Like what, Cuban government? Maybe if they're on the American team for the Olympics. Yes, I don't get it. That's few and far between. What qualifies as amateur anymore. Yeah, I know. Because NBA players, that was, that became. a thing, but they weren't getting paid

to be in the Olympics, so I thought that was their go-around. Maybe professionals is people, it's just people that get paid to participate in a sport. That's a professional maybe. Interesting. Yeah, it's like porn. Amateur porn is not paid. Right. Right. Just random

people making a sex tape. And then porn is, we got a payroll here. Yes. Okay. A gay roll. So, yeah, L.A. was awesome. Julian Elvin couldn't be cooler. Did the pod, so fun. Then my manager goes, I got you on

a porn pod. And I go porn pod. She's like, yeah, it's a podcast where porn stars and comedians go on and fuck with each other. Okay. And I was like, and she's like, here's a clip, but it's a clip of some crazy big lip, big tit lady, like, how'd you like to see my clam? And you're like, well, why not?

Whatever. So I was like, I'm in. So she goes, okay, I'm going to set the whole thing up. You got to go over there, but you got to remember, I'm in L.A. Brea is an hour and a half, two hours away. And I got to make my 7 o'clock show. So you're like, okay, it's three. I'm going to get caught in traffic, the whole thing. So, but you got to get to this porn pod.

You got to see this. You got to see the porn pod. Pee-Pee. So they go, here's the show or here's the address. It's up in the Hollywood Hills. You know, beautiful, like out of a movie, boogie night shit. And you go up there, ding-dong.

It's this crazy, gaudy white house with all these silly chandeliers and pink giant things, like sculptures in the front lawn. And you're like, this is crazy. And a guy answers the door with no shirt on in a bathing suit. He's like, got blonde hair. He's like, what's up, man? How can I help you? He's all hung over or something.

And I'm like, oh, I'm here for the porn pod. And he goes, what? And I look behind him, it's clearly a porn house. There's like a infinity pool in the back. There's weird glass furniture and like a white ceramic or porcelain greyhound. You know, like all this shit There's like all this gaudy, retarded stuff, pink couches and shit.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm here for the porn pod. He goes, porn pod. I don't know the name of it. And he goes, oh, yeah, we're not doing that until February. What? Oh, okay. And then a guy walks in behind me with like a DJ table and dreadlocks. And he's like, excuse me.

And they're like, hey, Reggie, what's up, man? So he comes in. So they're clearly having like a party or something tonight. And the guy was clearly on Molly or something. And he's like, yeah, man, I don't know, you got some bad info. We're doing those in February. We're all locked up on the porn pod. And I was like, oh, all right, all right.

So I just left. Did you call your manager and say, what the fuck? What did you do to do? She was like, oh, the guy had the date wrong. He said, we'll do it tomorrow. And I said, I'm not going back there. But, yeah, they were going to move some stuff for me and do one tomorrow. But the guy whose house was was so just out to lunch.

You didn't know who I was or what was going on. but they definitely had, I mean, he smelled like sex. Everything was sticky and wet and gooey. It was a crazy place. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. So you just drove in the traffic for no reason? Yes. Well, at least I got to get out early.

So you kind of have that like, well, I don't have to do anything. So I hightailed it out of there. It took me two hours to get to Brea. But I made it and did the show that night, two shows. But yeah, no porn pod. Wow. Well, maybe next time. Next time.

The guy eventually texted me like three days later. It was like, sorry about that. I heard what happened. I was like, ah, that's fine. I'd be furious with my manager if they sent me to the fucking porn house. Well, she did the, oh, my God, if there's any way I could repay you. So I said, yeah, I can do this, this, and this. And so we're, we're good.

Yeah, we're good. Nice. Sometimes it's good to have a little credit. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's why it's like the best when you have a show or something, if you're booking a show. And then you go, hey, I'd love to have you on the show. It pays $9,000, and you get with a dope. And they go, oh, I'm out of town.

It's great. because now you get the credit for the offer and you get to offer it to somebody else so you get multiple credits. I love the credits. It's great to have fun offers that people can't do because now it's like, now 12 people owe me a favor. Yeah, and they go, thanks for thinking of me.

So now you're in good graces with that quiff. Which is a good move. You find out if someone's out of town, then you ask them, even though you didn't want them on the show. Exactly. And then you get the credit. That's even better. They're like, oh, I'm going to be in Hawaii for two months.

And you're like, oh, geez, I don't know how I forgot about that. That's big with relationships, too. go, hey, let me take out the dinner night. I got a great place. We'll get a bottle of champagne, some candlelight. And she goes, ooh, I got a gynecology appointment. And you go, well, I tried. Yeah. And then she's, what about the next night?

And you're like, I think I'm booked pretty solid for the next three, four years. I got a gyno thing tomorrow, unfortunately. Guy know. That's a guy I know. Ginosaur. Is there a gynosaur? That'd be funny. The big pussy.

He's like the weakest one. Oh, my God. We're halfway through. We got to a thing. So L.A. was awesome. and yeah, I got some more stuff, but you go. I love L.A. We're going to be there in May. We're going to be there in May.

Live pod. Is that on sale? When is that going on sale? Yeah, LivePod is up, and it's at the improv, I believe. That'll sell out in six minutes. Maybe we should do two. Who are we getting? Brad Williams. That's funny. It's a low blow.

Callback. Yeah, we should get some big swinging deck. We should get Santino. Oh, he'll do it. He's in town right now. I know. That would be fun. He's good. You're away this weekend. You're not going to the big gillis at the garden. No, I'm out. I'm in Charlotte. Well, maybe there's snowstorms coming.

Oh, snowstorm in Charlotte. This is topsy-turvy out here. It's cats and dogs. Pardon me. Hopes I get down there. Then Sunday, snowed in. It's championship Sunday. Patriots. Everyone's in the champion. The big exciting championship. Then you're stuck in the hotel and you're like, well, I'll just sit here. No distractions. Watch the game. Yeah. Come home Monday. That's my hope. That would be nice.

You know. Yeah, Gillis at the guard. I think I'm going to go on Thursday. Check it out. Who's opening? I assume Santino, because he's here. That's already passed by the time they're here. Yeah, that's true.

I'm sure he'll have some, you know, fucking Lil Wayne will show up or some crazy shit. That's the Diver guy. Oh, whatever. Little John. I get my little's confused. Brad Williams. Gary Veter. What?

That was fun. That was a fun time. It's fun to say. That was a long time ago, because I remember... 25 years. Yeah. 25 years and my life is still trying to get that great big. Remember?

No, no. Four non-blons. That's like the big closer at, you know, Skank Fest. By the way, how about this? Every year Skank Fest, there's three nights. We do comedy jam every night. The last show, that's the big show, except 2026. Friday night.

No comedy jam. You know the big show? The big apple pie, the big huge show. What's that? Joe Liss roast 2026 headlining. That's going to be big. You want in? Yeah, I'm in, baby. You're in, baby. It's going to be fun. Hell yeah. That's going to be a wiser. By the way, I'm on to Lewis. We were talking about who should be on it. And someone's like, we've got to get Zach Amico. He's the best roaster.

And Lewis is like, no, no, no, I don't think so. He's, you know, you guys aren't tight. We better not have him on. And I'm like, I know. I know where every joke from Lewis is coming from. Of course, of course. That's his ace in the pie hole. So it's going to be you, me, Karen. Come on.

We've got to pick it up. Bobby, Soder, Lewis. I'm forgetting someone. Sarah. All right. And you, well, you're the big headliner. We've got to make some calls. Well, DePaolo.

Okay. Okay. Well, dust him off. All right. Dustin Hoffman, dust him off. Man. What about, uh... We called Colin.

We called Nate. Neither one of them answered. Well, Bobby called Colin and Nate, I mean, Lewis called Nate. So maybe I'll make the calls. There you go. You call. I don't think Colin will do it. And then people are like, Louis, but I'm like, Louis's not going to do a roast.

I don't think he's ever done a roast. No, never. Not a bad Louis story the other day. A different one. Oh, yeah. We all heard of the times, but... A guy was filming him, and he flipped on the guy. But we'll talk about that later.

Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, in Skankfest world, those are heavy hitters. I mean, this is... Sure, sure. It's not going to go to the top of the charts here. No one's ever heard of me if you talk about the masses. Right, right, right.

But at Skank Fest, that's a hell of a group. Yeah, you got that right, Fetty. So it'll be fun, and I already hired one gun. I'm already... I'm chipping away at Sam. Needling. Because, you know, he's not a Skankfest guy. But I got him to do skanks with me on Monday.

Uh-huh. So I feel like I can slowly get him down there. I don't know. Yeah, probably not. I've asked him before, are you going to Skank Fest? And he's like, no, I would never do that. What's wrong with you? Well, yeah, go ahead.

I'll tell you who is a Skank Fest intern, Marcello Hernandez. I heard that. So he just reached out to me. I mean, S&L, now he's got a huge Netflix special that will knock it out of the top 10. The guy's fucking killing it. He's a cute little Cuban man. And he was a Skank Fest intern. That's wild.

I just heard that. But he also just has. the best Fallon I've ever seen. He fucking murdered on Fallon, which is hard to do. Stand up or couch? Stand up. Oh, wow. The stand-up set was like killing.

He kills. I saw this morning on Subway takes, and his take was all sauces should come on the side, and I couldn't agree more. So this guy's quickly becoming my favorite comic. He's a great egg, and a good dude and a killer comic. I mean, that guy murders. I told you, I was at the stand one night. He was like an MC.

I didn't even know his name. He was just like the little Mexican kid that hosted. Cuban. And he came in one day. everyone was congratulating. I'm like, oh, what happened? When did you get engaged? He goes, I got S&L.

I was like, all right. And then he hosted the show. He was the MC. And I was like, keep it going for the new S&L guy. I don't know his fucking name. But I know it now. Marsilius. Yes, yes.

What is it? Marcus. Marcy, Carsey. I don't know. He opens for, he used to open Tim Dillon back in the day. And he was like, yeah, how about Tim? It's such a nice guy for having me. I'm like, you're four foot eight and you're adorable.

What are you crazy? Yeah. You got a tight ass. It's like me using Natalie Portman to open. She's like, boy, he sure is nice to me. Yeah, yeah. What a lucky lady I am. But anyways, the roast is going to be the event of the season.

We're going to get DePaulo out of retirement. It's going to be fun. The big throne and the thing. It's going to be very exciting. Oh, man, this is very fun. I love it. Maybe we can get Greg Rogel and who else. Russ Beneve over there.

We'll see. Yeah, we'll see what happens. It's got to be fun. We got a year. Yeah, November. We got, well, it's already almost February. That's nine months. We got time.

You'll be there, right? Yeah. It's premiering. The movie's premiering, too. Oh, is that right? Yeah. It'll be done by then? It has to be.

That's where we're premiering, so we have a deadline. How's the progress? Not good. Okay. We don't have the money and we don't have the time. What?

I thought people donated. We got some money. It's coming. All right. Holbert's working on it. Yeah, yeah. He's at it. Yeah, he's sending me.

I'm working on something. Don't let sail like he's near it. Well, we have like a thousand hours of footage. So I'm staring at it. I blocked his number. To hard their numbers. So how was Vegas? The city of angels?

No, Sin City. Windy City. Vegas was fucking awesome. New club out there. Key Stubbs. Shout out who has Salt Lake City-wise guys. He opened Vegas-wise guys. Yes, the man with the plan.

My new favorite club. Fucking awesome club. Great green room. Great staff. Great hotel. Great crowds. And everyone was so great. It was like doing a U.S.

tour. because we were like, thanks for coming to Vegas. We only get these big fucking David Copperfield and David Blaine's and shit. So that was awesome. Luke Monis opened. Derek flew out, my best buddy. So it was me, Luke, and Derek.

That's a hell of a group. Good ahead. Do they know each other or they had to make it work? No, they know each other. We worked together in Spokane. They came. Derek came and we did Tacoma together and we did something else together.

So they're boys. I told you. Luke is Derek's favorite friend of mine. He's ever met. No offense. He's like, you're number one. and vice versa. So they're thick as thieves.

He told me that in person. I think it's an in-person thing. Nah, he's told me how you feel it's about you. So anyways, we go out to Vegas. It's beautiful. So we go, what do we do? We've got to go down. And it's so easy, because it's in like a little mall,

the square mall or over. And there's a guitar center and an AMC theater across from the hotel. Now, when I'm on the road with Matt Wayne, you're out in these podunk shit towns. Sure. That's what we do. We rent a car, we go to guitar center,

we fuck around, I didn't know that. Then we'll go see a movie. Got it. So the part of you is like, wow, I got both the things right here. Wow. Some nice restaurants. Yeah.

Cheesecake? No cheesecake, but they had Brio Tuscan Grill. You ever have that? I don't know, bro. It's very good. Ah. So I go, well, we are in Vegas. And Derek's like, well, I don't want to go to a fucking guitar center in a movie.

I don't either. I don't either. So I go, all right, let's go down to Caesar's Palace. So we hop in. Whoa. Three abreast. Now we're talking. Luke is 7 foot three.

Derek's 800 pounds. I'm 6'9. So we're all jammed in the back of the fucking Toyota Camry. Oh, got it. And then the guy, I go, I wanted to buy Derek a kettlebell for Christmas to work out. Now, what do you make of this? Okay. I said to his wife, you should get him a kettlebell because I love kettlebell.

I'm all kettlebell all the time. I didn't know that. Love the kettlebell. Kettle corn. And his wife was like, well, you know, he's doing better. he's getting in better shape, he's lost weight. She's like, I don't want to hurt his feelings. Would that hurt your feelings?

Someone got you a kettlebell? Would you be like, you think I'm fat? Not at all. I'd be like, thanks. It's a free gift. Right. And also it's like... You can be anything.

I'd be appreciative. I feel like if you've got someone like an Ozepic pen, you'd be like, hey, what the hell do you mean? But I'm like, dumbbells or a weight bench. You're not... It's just like, hey, this is fun. You can get strong. Especially for a guy.

I mean, you give it to a girl, you're like, you're a lesbian. Right. But, guy, that's what you do. Yeah, I think it's a great gift. So anyways, we brought that up. So I said to the driver, I throw it to the driver, I go, would that be a hurtful if someone got you a kettlebell? And it's just like, it's not like a Muslim guy.

It's like a white, crusty Vegas guy. Sure. And he's like this. The fuck's a kettlebell. He goes, what the fuck is a kettlebell? Is this a white guy? Yeah, he's just like a crusty old Vegas guy. And it was one of those ones feel like this.

All right. Yeah, okay. So we included you. It's like a dumbbell. and then Derek goes, Lucas, it's like a dumbbell, and Derek goes, but smarter.

How funny is that? That's good. That's how funny this guy is. That's a funny guy. Right off the top of his asshole. He doesn't need to work out. He's funny. So he goes,

it's like a big ball with a weight, and the guy's like, I don't know what the fuck that is. Yeah. And he goes, you've seen it. It's a big weight

like in the cartoons. I don't know, guys. I don't know. I love these guys. This is too rich for my blood. It's above my pay grade. It's a fucking bar with a,

ball on it. He wanted nothing to do with it. You know when you think you're like, we're going to entertain this guy? We'll be fun. I'll bring him in. He's like this. I don't know, guys. What are you doing? And so you're like, all right, forget it. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. My dad was like that. It reminds me that Malaney joke where his, he's got like six friends in the car and his dad's driving. And the dad pulls up to McDonald's and the kids are like, oh, McDonald's, I want an ice cream. I want a happy meal. And the dad gets, he goes, shh, one black coffee and drives off. Whose joke is that? Malady.

That's so relatable. My dad was just like that. That's beautiful. That's a beautiful. You wonder how these guys get to the top. He's a funny drug addict. That is very, very funny. Funny guy.

Good guy. That's from the first special, too. That's old. Yeah, the treasure chest is always too small. That's very funny. Sartan live. Sard in live. Free time.

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They sent us these pants. The t-shirts are my favorite shirts. I wear them every show. I throw a light jacket over the t-shirts. I wash them. They don't shrink. They're kind of stretchy, but light, but fluffy. They're the perfect t-shirt.

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That's a ton. That's insane. Tuesdays with when prompted to unlock your 80% off. That's fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Back to the program. All right. Anyways, so we go down. I say, let's go to Caesar's Palace.

Now, I spent a lot of time in Vegas. Caesar's Palace is my number one joint. They got the best cigar lounge. What a buffet. Oh, my God, Buff Gae. Jimmy Buffet. They got a nice food courts. You don't have to break the bank if you don't want.

They got a Peter Lugers if you do want to break. Hell, yeah, court side. And then they got the best poker room. The poker room's all lit up nice. Some of these poker rooms are dank. This is bright. Yes, it's sad in there with these divorced men and the losers. Exactly.

The insoles. And me. But everyone looks like Chuck, by the way. They all have a track jacket, glasses, hat. Facial hair and herpes. I had another funny guy. I overheard a guy on the train. You take the little airport train, and the guy goes, I brought sunglasses in case we play poker or hit the slots.

And the guy goes, the slots. He goes, you got to wear them so the slots don't know what you're thinking. I'm like, that's funny. That's very funny. The idea of wearing dark glasses at the slot machine. Yeah, I thought he's going to say because the lights are like a seizure factory. No, he's doing it a bit. I love it.

You want to be like, hey, I'm a comedian. Can I hang with you guys? Can I use that? Yeah, I thought that too. But anyways, so we go there and we're gambling. Now, Luke is one of these guys. He doesn't want to gamble. He's like, you know, Jew.

So he's this guy. Derek and I are playing roulette. We're just putting money everywhere. He's like, put it on 14. I guarantee it. So you're like, all right. And then they take my money. I lose.

I hate that guy. He goes, put it on two. It's going to be two. I'm telling you. This goes off for like four hours. After a while, you're like, break out your wallet, your piece of shit. I'm losing all my money because you're picks.

He's backseat gambling. Exactly. And then you don't want to pick his number because then if it comes up, he wins. He goes, hey, you should have listened. So every time he says a number, I'm putting it on there. And they're just taking all my money.

He's like on their team. And he's using you to sacrifice. He's having a good time, but not putting skin in the game. Good point. For skin. Eventually he did. How about this move, by the way? He puts $40 in a slot machine.

He's on it. It gets down to, it's down to $0.23. The game freezes. It's like a video slot. So we got to, he's like, I got to call the lady over. This is a Jew fantasy right here. 23 cents. And the lady was from Boston.

She's like, are you from Boston? You just wear the hat. And I go, yeah, I grew up in Massachusetts. She goes, me too. You're fucking. is he fucked. Nice. And he goes, okay, well, we got to get this $0.23.

She's like, $0.23. How small is your pecker? You peck ahead. And Luke is like, it's principal. And so we had a whole kerfuffle. Wow. They had to go get the machine and come back for the machine. And then eventually, the lady just gave him a dollar bill.

Oh, good for her. So he made 75 cents or 77 cents. I'm telling you. This is Jew heaven. So they were like, here's a buck. So I'm like, you just tripled your money or quadrupled, whatever it is. Yeah, but you lost. The 40.

Yeah, he still lost money. That's a good way to do it. Get the game frozen. I know. They pay you out an extra 70 cents. But if the waitress from Boston with two teeth is going, here's a dollar. Get the hell out of here. Maybe get your priorities in order.

It was a little rough. But it was funny. The whole thing was hilarious. I videotaped it. We'll put it out for content. Oh, that's fun. And then big apple pie posters, David Spade, Nikki Glazer from Coliseum. Wow.

Coliseum. That's exciting. So then I texted Nikki. I go, this is a cool poster. Congrats. So cool. You're great. Whatever. Now, what do you make of this? She's like, lunch tomorrow? Whoa. So she's in vague. She's in Vegas at the Coliseum with Spade, which sounds exciting.

I haven't seen her a long time. I love Nikki. She's blowing up. She's hilarious. She killed it. So I'm like, well, I'd love to have lunch. I was like, but I can't ditch my boys. So I'm like, what do you make of this? Love to have lunch, but I got Luke Monis, who you know, and my best buddy from high school. Oh, you're bringing in randos. This is no good. She's like a massive celebrity, and she texted back, that's a lunch you're going to have to have on your own.

Oh, good for her. I like that. And so Luke was devastated. He's like, that's about me. She hates me. And then when we're leaving on Sunday, Derek texts us both and goes, hey, great trip guys. I'm having brunch with Nikki.

I'll see you later. That's funny. He's on. He's a funny guy. I always wonder what the, because I've seen the Nicky and Spade thing, and you go, I don't know about that. they look the same. Interesting.

They're two spindly ladies with blonde, long hair. And you're like, I don't know, who's had more work done? Who's thinner? Who's got smaller tits? But this is an odd choice. Well, I think she's a foot and a half taller than him. But they're both very fighting, funny joke writer killers. But you get the Rock and Kevin Hart.

Hey, we got a poster here. Look at it. One's big. One's little. Holy shit. But you got Spade and Nicky. It looks like the Sclar brothers. It's two of the same

Well, it's a hell of a show I'd like to see the show But I had my own dumb shows Which is a bummer Because you just All you could think is We'd be treated Would have a visit

And say hello But it is fun when you're like Boy, that would be great to have lunch My buddy flew all the way down And of course they're like Just go And I'm like I can't ditch my fucking best buddy

It's one lunch Yeah Grown man They'll survive I But that's what they said They're like We'll be fine

But it's not about them It's about me. I don't want to miss the buddy time. I want the buddy time. Yeah, but you got a beautiful bustling starlet here. Well, I'll see her another time. What are we going to have to fuck? I have a wife. Well, you can see them another time too.

You're going to see them more than her. This is my best all-time number one friend who flew all the way here to hang out. That's a good point. That's a good point. An associate. All right. You got a point, too. Yeah.

I mean, and I only see Derek. You've got to think about life, the whole stream of life. I got kids, he's got kids, he lives there, I live here. I might see him four more times. Not to mention I didn't get him the kettlebell. He could die any minute. That's true. What the fuck's a kettlebell?

You got to send that guy a photo. That's the perfect reaction, by the way. Yeah. Sir, what do you think? Would you got a kettlebell? I don't know what that is. All right? Well, that's the thing about life.

You're seeing your friend. You might see it four times. My parents, my mom texts me randomly. She goes, we're coming to New York for 15 days. I go, golly. And my first instinct is, how do I get out of this one? But then you go, my parents are old as shit. They're in their late 70s.

Flying up to another state and getting an Uber and then another Uber and then going upstairs. That's a lot for them. My dad is very immobile. And so I go, yeah, yeah, come on up. Good idea. Because how many more times are they going to be able to do this? Right. So you've got to take advantage.

Exactly. So I bought up a shelter. In the shelter. Now, how about this one? Hold on Oh boy I got a bunch of stuff here Also good that Nikki's like

So famous now And she's still like Hey let's hang Yeah Well we had a nice Text exchange after the Emmys And it was very sweet Very sweet

That's good stuff Good good gal So And now as we get older You're like I've done Nikki for 20 years Yeah You know weird

You made that move Remember that You had the bit about it What Every had the bit about it You were like Hey we're from What do we do

Let's just hook up And then she was like I can't hook up because it'll ruin the friendship and you said actually I think it'll help it because this is ruining it was a great bit you never got it off the ground was that her or sarah it was her i don't want to get you in trouble again this is 400 years ago i don't remember this at all we were on a stoop in queens all hanging out my stoop i imagine yeah your stoop in astoria and it was a like a gregg warren i think other people were there and she was uh just a little just a regular comic and you were

like, boy, you were killing, you were making her laugh, and she was, she touched your leg. And then, I think at one point you were like, what do we do it here? Let's just go blow each other. And she was like, it'll ruin our friendship. We got such a great friendship. And you were like, well, this is kind of ruining it. Right. Interesting.

Something like that. It was a funny idea. But maybe I'll bring it back. Got off and she never got off. All right. Well, I'll try it. That's pretty good. Yeah.

Not bad. Yeah, just saying, maybe that lunch could have been something. Yeah. Damn. Maybe I could have had sex with her at the Coliseum. Wow. All right. Are there lions around?

Is it the same? Is it like a gladiator? I don't know. I don't know that much about the Coliseum. So they wrestled lions and then Joaquin Phoenix was there. It sounds wacky. Denzel's gay. I don't know what's going on.

But that Netflix fest, it's like the Greek theater, the Hollywood Bowl, the Forum, the Mountoban Theater. I'm like, how is this many people filling these rooms? Well, it's a big city. You've got six million people there. I guess. Well, we're doing the improv. That'll be fun. That'll be easy to fill.

I think so. Hanley. And you're doing two guys, two girls, one cup. I'm doing the improv also on my own. May 7th, I think that is. And then after that, I shoot to the big theater with it's me, Jordan Jensen, Samarillo, and Rachel Feinstein. How about that show? That's a hell of a picture.

That's going to be a good hang. And then, oh, that one had lips. That was deep. That was like Shelby exhaling. It was like when Barney burps. So anyways, so we're down there in Vegas, and then I want to play poker. I'm a poke and playing homo. Put a hot poker up my ass after you chop my dick off.

Poker at the rear. George Carlin? Yeah. Yes. So I'm like, let's play some poker. And then they don't play poker. They don't want to play poker. And the problem with poker, once again, you're there for an hour, two, three, four, five hours.

Yeah. And I don't want to miss the hang. So it's one of those ones you keep kind of walking by the poker room to be like, all right, let's see, maybe. And then I'm like, maybe I'll get up early, the whole thing. But you just want to be part of the hang, but I also want to play. So finally, we're walking by. And I go, let me just add.

You know when you really want to do something so you keep getting closer? You're like, it's like ice cream. We're like, let me just see the menu. Yes, yes. Let me just check the prices. Let me just look at the brothel brochure. Yeah, let me just ask the lady if she's single. And then eventually you're like, just give me the fucking two gallons of ice cream.

and I'll be on my way. Yeah, yeah. So I did that, and I'm like, is there a doll, one three blind? Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, Derek, come on, come play, you fucking homo. And he goes, well, I don't know.

I'm nervous. I've never played at a poker table. I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm like, don't worry. There's no pressure. Who cares? It's just poker. I don't know.

Those guys give you some glares because I'm with him. I don't know how to play that well. And they don't want you around. Yeah, that's fair. So anyways, they'll go, we're starting a new table. And I go, can my buddy and I get in, which never happens. You never get to be at a poker table,

just you and your buddy next to each other. Sure, sure. So I said, let's jump in. So we ditch Luke. At one point he came and stood over the table. He's like, six, seven. This guy's like, can you get him out of here? Is this a guy standing over your shoulder?

Yeah. This is crazy. It's like a hawk. So we sit down. We're next to each other. We got a fresh table. Everybody shows up. You get your money.

You cash at your thing. And he's like, what do I do? I don't know how to play. My father's gay. Cute kid. Every time he comes around to him, he kept saying, he kept saying push instead of check.

Ah. They go push. And I'm like this, you don't say, you don't say push. That's a terrible. I didn't know that either. I don't come back around. I'll push. And I'm like, you don't push in poker.

There's no push. What is that supposed to mean? Well, push in blackjack. Yeah. He means check. Okay, got it. But push in blackjack is like, we tied. So there's no money exchange.

So it doesn't even make sense even, it doesn't make sense. Yeah, I'll pull. So I'm like, every time it comes to, I'm like, oh, my God, I got to pretend I don't know this guy. I'm like turning my back to him. I'm like, how about this asshole, kettlebell? Yeah. So he goes, push. And then the little Asian dealer, she goes, oh, you want the push?

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, she starts making fun of him. Which is hilarious. He want, he want push. Oh, what a pushy. Why are you no push? You get kettlebell. And I'm like, this lady's gold.

So she leaves. She does the claps out. I love the clap. New guy comes in. And so now this is where it gets fun Because he's saying push But whatever, it's all good He wins a couple of hands

I win a couple hands, whatever It's like a make a wish We're playing, make a push We're all playing Then it comes around to him Now this is the first hand With big action He must have something

I'm out of the hand He puts in, this guy bets 30 He calls, he pushes This guy calls Now there's like 200 bucks in the pot This is getting hot and heavy Oh mom I'm nervous So they flip the river

Now there's, you know, the five cards out there. Everyone's got their cards. River Phoenix. Goes to this guy, and he goes, oh, let me think. And Derek just flips his hand. He goes, I got us straight. The hand's still going. He just throws his cards down.

Poor guy. In the middle of the fucking game. Straight. And I go, oh, I throw my hands up. I'm like, oh, my God. And the guy goes, all right, well, I'm out. And then this guy next to him is like, you got to be kidding me. He has a flush.

Now, this is the problem. I don't know if his poker players out there. but a flush beats the straight. But if you have a flush, you're hoping your opponent gets his straight. So they bet. So they think they have it. So this poor guy, he still wins the hand. But Derek's like, I got the fucking straight.

I got the nuts. I'm going to win. This guy has the winning hand. So he's like, you fucked me because I would have bet 80 bucks. And your fucking kettlebell asshole would have pushed. That's what I'm saying. You can't go in there without knowing everything because these psychos get mad at you. Well, he handled it.

well, because he still got to win his money, but I was like, I wanted to bury myself in a bucket of cum, because I'm just into that. But it was like, one of those moments where he's like, look at this. I got a straight. That's adorable. I love it. He's just his ass. That's a cute guy right there. But he didn't care. He was like, ah, what can you do? I'm learning. Who gives this shit? It feels like, like, Galifonacca's in the hangover where they're just like, oh, this fucking guy's killed us. And then everyone out of the table was like, he's a fucking retardant. I can hear that. He's like, ah, nobody cares. I'm like, ah, nobody cares. I'm They're laughing and lying over there. You should have just brought him in, gave him a kettlebell and let him hang out.

No, it was bad. But I ended up winning a bunch of money. I won 140 bucks, which at a poker table is pretty good. We only played for an hour because we wanted to go find Luke. That's a lot of money an hour. That's not bad. 140 bucks an hour is pretty good. Very good.

There's a nice feeling. It's fun to win hands. And, yeah, it was exciting. What a weekend. It was awesome. Shows were great. So many Tuesdays. Love the club.

Oh, and then Noah Garden Schwartz came by with Esther. Olive Garden. How about that? You have Noah and Luke together. I mean, it's two six-foot-six Jews. The bare Jews, yeah. Yeah, huge. So that was fun.

He's awesome. And just a fucking great weekend. I love Las Vegas. I reached an age where I love Vegas. Not a fan. Well, I love the weather. I love the poker. I love you can smoke indoors.

Sure. And Caesar's Palace, these casinos now, they have the best, like, smoke eaters that ever. It doesn't smell like smoke in there anymore. You got a stogie going? Oh, yeah. You can walk around and they have a huge sports book. So we're watching the NFL playoffs. I'm smoking a big bat.

I got a pile of money in my pocket. We also won it roulette. Oh, and then this move. I did this baller move that was fun. I'm walking out. I got, I'm up, you know, 300 bucks. Plus, I'm selling shirts. So I got all that cash in my pocket.

So I got a fistful of cash. I'm like fucking the Babbit brothers. Fis full of dollars. So I walk about, I take, I go to the high stakes roulette on the way out. Oh, scary. I throw $100 down. It's a $50 minimum. It's like the super room, the special room.

Oh, special room. That's where I went to high school. So I go, give me some nickels. You know, I know the terminology. So I just spread 50 bucks all around the table. 12. Oh, I got nothing. She scoops it all up.

I hate a scoop. And I go, well, I got one more spin. $50 minimum. So I put it all over the place. Bling. 34. I win $275. Oh, you're all.

on fire. So I add 175 to a collection, put that in, scoop it right in the pocket and go, let's go boys. A hot streak. I love a scoop. So I just had fucking cash coming out of my asshole. We go do the show. Shows were awesome. Rulette was great. Poker was great. Buddy time was great. And then right before

the Saturday show, we all jumped in the hot tub. We sat in the hot tub and soaked together. Oh, man. A soak in a year. And it was like 64 degrees. So we ran out of the hot tub, jumped in the pool, which was like a cold plunge. Splashed around in the chili, went back to the hot, back to the cold,

back to the hot. Oh, that's a push. Two shows. I ordered Brio for everybody. Best weekend of my life. Wow. Man, her name was Brio, and she dances in the pool.

That voice. I'm not a singer. No, no. Me either. But anyway, so shout out to Vegas. Shout out to the Gaines. We got a wrap. this fucking thing up.

We love you. Sorry about the vinegar fiasco. That's all right. They're fine. That was all I don't want to talk about it. These people, they're like, you fucking piece of shit, whatever. Don't worry about it. Don't you worry? You're pretty little tits off. It's unbelievable. But anyways, I don't want to address it, but yeah. It doesn't matter.

Anyways, so where am I going to be? I don't know. Oh, wait, are we done? Yeah. Oh, shit. I had one little thing. But I'll say it. Oh, you want to do it? Well, it's nothing crazy. So I did a set two nights ago.

I'm out frolicing in New York City. The wife calls me or text me, goes, the cops are here. That's the text. Can you believe how little information you get with that? The cops are here. I don't know if it's good, bad. It's insane. If she's sleeping with them, if she fought one, if they shot her, whatever.

So I go, what the fuck? So she's like, yeah, cops are here. It's fine. I'm like, all right, well, I'm coming home. So I race home. Cops are gone. There has to be more communication than this. This is crazy.

I agree, well, she said she fell asleep on the couch, and the cops showed up, so she's like, the cops are here, and then she talked to the cops. So, now she's down on her phone, so I'm just like, what the fuck? So I show up, and she has a bunch of boxes in the living room. I go, what the hell's going on? She's like, don't worry. I was asleep on the couch. I see a bunch of lights in the window, like those magnums, condoms, and they're just flashing in the window, and she's like, what the hell's going on? And she's like, oh, my God.

So she goes out there. It's two cops, and they go, hey, we found a homeless guy, a crackhead, whatever, a derelict, going through a bunch of boxes. On the sidewalk, we snabbed him. Snap? I put grab and snagged together. We snabbed him. And we said, hey, it's two degrees outside. You're black.

You live here now. You're going through the boxes in the middle of the side. Who does that? So they had a suspicious hunch. And they look at the boxes, it's got my name on them. Oh, boy. So a bunch of people sent us baby gifts because it's his birthday the other day. Happy birthday.

And the cops brought them over. Oh. They brought the boxes over because they had our name and address on it. Oh, so the guy stole the boxes. He stole him right off the porch. She was asleep. But apparently there was a porch dealer. It was a pirate.

A butt pirate. So apparently there's a bunch of snabs in the area, and they got a bunch of calls. And we just happened to be snabbed that night, and they got the guy. No kidding. Yeah. So, thank you, NYP anal. Yeah, we love you, boys. Pigs and blue.

Yeah, so defund them, and, yeah, all's welded anal. Nice. Oh, thank God. That sounded scary. I see some boxes right now. That's them. That's some toys. The very boxes you were returning.

Yes, yes. Eat my box. I'd love to. So where are you going to be there? Fanny face. Atlantic City, January 31st, Wednesdays this come out? I have no idea.

Monday. Back to the poker table for you. Yeah. January 31st. Oh, January 28th, this Wednesday, you and I both will be at Sesh. Oh.

Which we're filming for some shit. That's tomorrow. We're filming some shit. Did you ever get added to the film crew? No. You're in the Salachuse dog house, buddy boy. You're out.

No, bueno. Well, maybe he knows you're much more skilled than he is. I'm joking, Matthew. What are you kidding? That's a joke. Oh, boy. We'll cut that. Just kidding. He probably just hates you. Sesh.

Sesh, baby. That's Wednesday. I'm looking at the wrong month. I got to pee. And Virginia Beach, the end of February, December, February 27th and 28th. It's not going to snow there. No, I don't think so, but maybe. Who knows? What the fuck?

Oh, and then one night only. Oh, you're here first. O&O. Austin, Creek in the Cave, February 22nd. I'm going to do a Joe. Listing Friends type of thing. Damn, you're turning on the mothership already. I'll sell out.

No, I just added another mothership date in September. Aye, yeah, yeah, yay. And then I got a bunch of other stuff coming up. Columbus, Ohio, Toledo, Ohio. Oh, San Francisco, of course, Valentine's Day weekend, Cobbs. Oh, I love it. And Vancouver, we added a show. Please fill that up.

It's February 12th, I think. There you go. There you go. Blow me. I'm in San Antonio and LOL. And then Tulsa, Oklahoma. I've never been there in my entire life, I don't think. Going to Flagstab, Arizona, Swaharita, Arizona for a casino.

Indianapolis helium, Buffalo helium, Portland, Maine, a Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale, Florida, at the Dania Beach Improv, and Rale, North Carolina for good nights. I love that club. Spokane as well. Get some bodega cat. Get on the Patreon. It's humming. It's a push.

Kettlebell. What do you got, Chucci? Check on my podcast. Funbearable. There's a lot of Tuesdays over there. We have a lot of fun in the comments. It's a good time. We all talk to each other. And if you got a lot of money, you love creative projects. We're doing a pilot. So reach out to me at Discount Chuck on Instagram. If you have any interest in investing in something fun and creators. Whoa. We got two investings. The pilot light is on. Thank you, folks. We'll see you all.

LEL praise a lot.