Tuesdays with Stories! - #641 Black Pleasantville

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

Mark goes to MSG to see Shane Gillis - and makes it backstage with a mistaken identity! The boys are trudging through the snow as they travel around the country - it's hell! Joe meets a kook at the meet and greet. Mark comes up with a race relations theory! It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TUESDAYS & use code TUESDAYS to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS  

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Owie! It's a chilly billy out there. I got snow piled up to my asshole. I did a full... What do you call that? Shovel yesterday. I shoveled the walk.

I shoveled the steps. You got any salt? Get a little salt out there because I was slipping and sliding like Gordon Bombay out there. I'm a pepper man. I don't do the salt. And it's not even that slick.

How about Gordon Bombay? At the end of Mighty Ducks. He comes out and he bumps into Mike Madano and I forget who the other guy was and he goes, you ever want to shot at the pros? Let me know. Shot at the pros. He's been a DUI lawyer for like 10 years.

He's like an alcoholic lawyer. Oh, yeah. He's like, but you kicked ass when you were eight. I'll give you a shot at the big club. What is he talking about? I thought he meant to coach. No, I think he meant to play. He's like, this guy dominated.

Maybe he meant coach. Because he was a coach in the movie. He is a coach, but I think he was a shot to play. And I think in the next movie he might play. In the pros? He's going to get creamed. What is pros, by the way? They're always like he's got great pro, like a writer.

Oh, pros. Yeah. The fuck does pros mean? Get out of here. Is there amateurs? Is there pros? It's Proust. He's a writer.

Oh, yeah, he's German. He's big, yeah. Pabst. Proust. Pros. Yeah, he's got, like, good, what's diction? Diction. I think that's pronunciation.

Ah. Then this prediction, that's like a fortune teller. Yeah. That's like who's going to win the Super Bowl. Right. But prose is just like the style of writing. Because I read all these Patty Smith books. I love Patty Smith.

People are like, it's all pros. And I was like, oh, boy, I don't know if I like prose. Then I'm reading it. It's just a book. Well, I think it's kind of like, as the rapper say, like he's got a good flow. You got a good flow with your sentence. Proz is the white flow.

Now, Chuck's about to read the definition, and I'm going to be no closer to understanding what it means. Then there's heavy flow. What do you got? It says, The Ordinary Langu's, language people use in speaking or writing or a dull or ordinary style quality or condition. So I think it's kind of trite. Trite.

Trite. You're throwing triton at the end. Come on. You're making it worse. Yeah, I don't know, trite. A dull. I got to go ride by tritcical. I think a dull or ordinary style.

It doesn't stand out. It's just like how people talk. No, but prose is, that's the second bullshit. What I'm talking about is the first thing. Yeah, give me the objective. The style of opinion. Writing. The ordinary language people use in speaking.

or writing. Okay, so maybe you're writing naturally. It sounds not written. But they say write in prose. So it means like, yeah, I went to the store. It was crazy. And they're not like, Doth Nuth, how my store, buy it. Prozac.

Oh, yeah, I took that for a while. Really? Couldn't come. No, not Prozac. I took Paxil. Bill Paxil. Uh-huh. Yeah, Paxil is anti-depth.

I think so. Yeah, yeah. That's like anxiety, depression. It's all under the. same umbrella. It all makes you not come. Right. Yeah, well, I think my wife saw it. Get that flag up. It's still folded in the bag over there. I know. I put it up. It was too big, and it changed the room. Huh. You know, it's a feng shui. I got a good thing going on with his office. I put that thing up, but it was too fruity? Too fruity, but too intense. It popped too much.

Well, I have to tell you, I don't love the purple yellow of the New Orleans flag. I wish it was a different, And green, yeah, I wish there was something a little more. Like, I like the black and gold saints colors. Yeah. But you need a centerpiece over there. The folks at home can't see. I think you should put the family or swastika, some kind of something. Yeah, that's not bad.

Because you got something motivational right in front of the desk. Oh. You know, my old routine, we used to talk about this, I would go to Starbucks and sit in front of the mirrors. So then if I wasn't writing, I would be staring at myself being like, oh, you piece of shit. That's good. And you've got to look down at the notebook.

Because if you look up, you're like, I hate you. Your teeth, your face, your asshole. That's good. I think a big mirror is helpful because it's metaphorical. Yes. And it's pros. You know, you just look at it. Addiction.

Well, it's the worst thing about the barbershop. You got to look at your fucking ugly fat mug the whole time. And I'm like, turn me around. This is torture. Turn me around. Take me back to the start. I must be losing my mind. Are you blind?

Guns and Roses. Turn around. Bright eyes. Yeah, just when they put you sideways for a second and snip the side, I'm like, oh, I got a new view. I'm looking at every blemish, pockmark, zip, scrape, scratch pros. Well, the thing that is good for me is I'm blind as a bat. I don't wear my glasses going to get.

So I'm just a blurry, handsome fella the whole time. Oh, that's not bad. It's like beer goggles. Yeah, exactly. For yourself. Well, I had the whole bit about it. The lady, this is true. She buzzed my eyebrows with clippers.

I never had that before. She did, like, and because I'm so blind, I couldn't see my eyebrows. And there was a moment where I was like, I think she might have just shaved my eyebrows off my face. It really is. Yeah, my lady is blind as a bad. She wears contact. So at night, she's looking around for my dick, and it's so small. She's not finding anything.

But anybody broke in, it'd be over. Like, the cat comes in, and she's like, I hope that's the cat. And I'm like, wow, you got nothing. Well, if she could see color, she'll be fine. Yeah. She'd be like, that ain't Mark. It's a black buck. Big black blob coming towards her.

But yeah, like she gets off the bed and she's got to feel her out. It's wild. That's kind of hot. Steve you wonder. Well, I would have her fuck without the contacts in. That way you look a little better. We do that all the time. And she gets to pretend on somebody else.

Right. Yeah, do you ever do glasses with her? Because Sarah has blue blockers. Is that what they're called? No. What's the computer? What's that called? Oh, you're the yellowie.

They're not even yellowie. They're clear, but they're... Aviator. I know what you're talking about. It's called something. Something. But anyways, every once in a while, I'll be like, put these on, you nerd. Yeah, I like that too. A little librarian skank.

Yeah, so you know what I'm sticking. Well, you said something. Sure did. Yeah. What did you say? Well, it's funny how... You're talking about the flag. A black and gold.

Oh, yes. Well, isn't it funny how black is tends to be associated with rich a lot. Yeah, we got the black card. Then you got Uber black. That's the nice one. That was another one I had. Black tie. Black tie affair.

Black is fancy. Well, it's sleek. It's slick. It's hot. Yeah. But then you go black neighborhood. Yeah, it's a good story. Yikes.

So with the card and the black tie and the Uber, they're doing all right. Black, what else? Black. Black. Black lung. Black ice. Black ice Tom Dustin had a joke When we first started

About black ice Sounds like black guys And his mother was like Watch up for black guys And he's like I always do Something like that Some kind of joke Like that

I was saying the same for a black eye Sounds like black guy Oh yeah I got a black guy In my basement Exactly Black guy Black eyed peas

Oh Which did they sing Let's get retarded in here Was that them That was the original tune And then they flipped it Yeah they had to You'd think a producer in the building was like,

we might be able to sell more records if we changed retarded to it started. It's a different time. That was just like, it is getting retarded in here. Right. Well, but it wasn't that different because they did have to change it to it started. That's true. That's true. But I think the fact that they even made it and had no questions like, how the fuck did Soul Man get made?

Soul Man. Soul Man is the movie about a guy who goes, I'll get into a black college if I'm black. Oh, I thought you meant the song. Soul Man. Steve Cropper. Great song. But, yeah, they see Thomas Howell goes full black face, hands, neck, feet, and dick. Woo-wee.

Yeah, and James Earl Jones is in it. Well, also, I mean, not that long ago, Robert Downey Jr. was nominated for Academy Award for wearing blackface. Deserved. Yeah. I mean, so. Killed it. And the crate. You want to talk Oscars, Times Change, whatever, in 2002.

I've definitely talked about this before. 2002, Roman Polanski won best director and got a standing ovation. Wow. This lets you know how hoarshit Hollywood is. This man admitted to fucking a 15-year-old. And moved to the Europe.

Yeah, it was like, yes, I farted her. I didn't drug her, but I didn't fuck her. Yeah, it had a hot tub in the ass. And the keister. Whoa. Keystone Cops. I never know what that means either, really. I think it's an old show.

Pennsylvania. Is that Keystone State? I think that the Keystone State. It was a beer called Keystone. for a while too. Oh, that's right. Well, whatever, but yeah, Roman Polansky convicted child rapist

or admitted, I don't know about convicted, but the whole Hollywood press, they all voted for him and stood up and said, whoo! Which ironic, or coincidentally, interestingly, it was for a Holocaust movie. So back then it was like, it's about the Holocaust, so he wins.

Because Holocaust was big. But now, if you made a movie that was like the Jews, you'd be like, Hey, we're not voting for this son of a bitch. Yeah, Jews are out. This son of bitch is ice cold. And on top of that, if the guy had fucked a child, they really would be upset. Well, you want to throw a little cherry on top of that child fucker cupcake.

Will Smith slaps a man on stage in front of the entire world wins the Oscar. And it gets a standing O also. Did he get a standing O? They got partially. Wow. Maybe they were just like, I can't believe this. I gotta take a better look. Andy's bad at acting.

He sucks. And he's a bad actor. He sucks. That guy sucks. I like Fresh Prince, though. That was fun. That was a good time. Yeah.

You didn't like Hancock? Handcock. That was one of his big action movies. Oh, I can't watch him in an action movie now. I hope Chuck falls under the stairs right here. Not serious. Just like a whoop. Yeah, that'd be fun.

Like a nice bump. Right on the butt. I take it back, Chuck. You're going to hear this. I don't want you to get hurt. Oh. Well, that's a fact. guy falling. It's tough to beat. Yeah, it really

is. But any farts. Anywho. I mean, Will Smith, I just think he's like going for it, guy. Yeah, he's no good. Welcome to Earth. But we just, you're right. The point is Hollywood is just, they'll just go with the flow. Whatever is whatever's cooking, they're looking. That's all it is. But, I mean, the idea of even, like, it's not like 2002

was the third, I mean, what time period was everyone, I mean, I guess in the 70s, you would think? Like, fuck to 15-year-old against her will. Whatever. It's a great movie. Great film. Like, 2002 was not, you know, the 30s. Sure, sure.

So, you know. Well, also, now we're going to the Wayback Machine. Marlon Brando brought that Native American. Oh, yeah. On stage, and she went, hello, I'm Long, Labia, whatever. And she got booed. If you watch it on YouTube, she's getting booed. Oh, wow.

Not the whole crowd, but partially. I think it turned out that also she was. wasn't Native American at all. She was like Guatemalan or something. Yeah. She was like your nanny. Boo them. Yeah. Boo, Guatemala. Guatemala. But, yeah.

She might have just been tan. I have no idea. There you go. Yeah. And I think he fucked a lady in the ass with butter against her. Last Tango in Paris. He did some funky, funky stuff. Whoa, I didn't know. In real life or in the movie? Yeah, it's not good. It's in the movie. But I think the actor years later was like, I don't know what went on there. I signed. There was no scene written.

I went in and they just shoved a can of butter and a bust of Brando in my asshole. Well, maybe she was obsessed with Indians because they got one right on the butter packet. What's that lady's name? Landlakes. Landlakes. Yes. Minnesota. Hashtag.

They're having a great month. Ooh, boy. Hey, yeah. Hey, yeah, hi, hi, yeah. Yikes. Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Oh, Nelly.

Well, you're ready for this, hum ding? Please, ding my hum. So, you know, our old pal Gil, Gildet, Shane Gill. He's doing the garden last week. Yeah. Whatever this comes out, three years ago. And he sold out, I don't know, five of them, something like that. Unbelievable.

In a blizzard, mind you. But so I go, all right, he's doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I leave Friday for Oregon. So I'll poppin Thursday. A pal of ours is doing the garden. That's a milestone. Pop in. I pop.

So I text his people. I text Becky. Remember Becky? Of course I know Becky. That's his manager. I go, hey, Becky, you know me. I know you. I've opened for the guy.

I think I've earned some green room status. She goes, I got you. Your names are at Wilcoll. And I go, can I bring a friend? She goes, sure. I go, okay. You got two. You plus one at Wilco.

Utah. Get me two. There you go. Tutah. So I do my sets and I run over there. It's freezing cold. and I go to one entrance. They go, oh, you're way off.

You got to go around the 7th Avenue to 35th Street. And I go, oh, God, so you run out there. You get to that window. And the clock's ticking, by the way. I got to catch him before the show's over. Right. Because they're going to flip that room and get us all out of there. So I've got to get the cameo in.

I've got to get the face time. So this is late in the night now. Late in the night. I think the show started at 8. We're talking like 915. Okay. So I'm hustling. So I go to the second entrance.

Who the hell set you here? Are you nuts? This is crazy. This is where the union guys come in and all that. Who do you think you are? You got to go to one Penn Plaza, whatever the hell. I remember this the few times I've gone. It's a whole shigaboo.

What to you, Penn Plaza? The guy goes, look, you got to go to the main entrance. That's where Willcall is. And I was like, I know, but I'm a backstage guy. You're VIP. Yes, and he goes, it's at Willcall. So I go, gah, so I run all. way to 7th Avenue back and then go into the main, you know, the general pop.

Oh, boy. So I go through, you got to go through the peep, boop, poop, poop. They wave you, they wand you, they dilder you. And you go, okay, great. I go to Willcall. They're all shut. Yeah, it's late in the evening. It's late.

It's union. They all went to bed at 8.30. But now I'm pissed because I'm running up and down. I'm huffing and puffing. And some lady goes, whoa, slow down there, big fella. And I go, look, you don't know. I've been all over the. place, I'm backstage guy.

And she goes, what's your name? And I go, Mark Norman. She goes, oh, here. She had the album. Crazy. The lady? A lady? The random working lady with a vest. This is crazy that's so frustrating because you're like, you know where you belong. But also they have to do this

because they can't just have Tom, Dick, Harry, and Chuck walking in being like, hey, I got a camera, let me in there. Exactly. And look, I didn't kill Tony at the garden. I could barely get in. So they're doing their job. They're doing it right, but comedians don't give you any information. Right. I remember doing this with Louis.

We showed up together. Yeah. And it was still not easy to do. And he's like, I'm on the poster and you've got to still go through security and the thing. I'm on the digital thingy. So she hands me an envelope. I go, finally, I'm in. But then I open up the envelope.

It's two tickets. No pass? I'm in row B, seat A. I got like a ticket ticket. And I'm like, hey, bitch, I'm not watching the show. I've seen the hour. I know the guy. I went backstage.

So she's not answering because she's running around, doing blow and whatever. So I go, all right, I'm going in. And I'm just going to walk backstage at the garden. Oh, boy. So I got my tickets. And I'm walking around going, hey, my ticket. And everybody, every usher is going, where are you sitting? Let me see the ticket.

Let me see the ticket. I go, look, I'm a backstage guy. I'm going backstage. Like, you're not going backstage? Who the fuck are you? Do you want to show the text thread of like, here's Shane sending me a picture of his mom's tits and I'm texting him a picture of my dump?

I showed one guy the email, because I had an email, like, here's your two passes, whatever. And he was like, I don't know, anybody can make that AI is a thing. And I was like, all right, all right. So I just keep the guy goes, you're over there, blow it. And I just keep walking. I just keep going towards that tunnel. You know, that entrance.

Yes, sure. So eventually, like three guys are on to me and they're like crowding. me. Like, you're not going anywhere. So now I'm getting boxed in. I'm like, and I'm like, I swear to God, I'm a VIP. And I look like, Lee Harvey-A, like I look like a psycho at this point. Like, I deserve

to be back there. I know Shane. Now, do you have a buddy? Did you bring a buddy? No, I didn't bring a buddy. No, buddy. Okay. So I got there, and I'm boxed in by these three mooks from Long Island with vests on. And then another guy comes over here, and then another guy comes over here. Meanwhile, there's a giant show going on. Uh, Matt McCusker's on stage, you know,

killing, and I'm just like fighting in a in an aisle. And so then one guy comes over, he's like the head usher. And he's like, what the hell? I'm about to crack some skull. I'm about to tase this motherfucker. And he goes, Sam Morrill. And I go, yeah.

And he goes, get back here. I got in. As Sam? That's amazing. Did you do Sam all night? That would be funny. You're like, is this funny? Sorry, would this be a bit?

But yeah. So finally, I get back there. It's like soda and Salvo Cano and, you know, Lev and all these guys. So you're like... Well, they're friends. What was he? Bussing tables? But he was eating it.

But, yeah, he was back there and a bunch of people, Big Jay and all these people. So I made it. Oh, thank God. And it was food galore and a spread. And Shane, I see Shane, he goes, you should be doing the show. And I go, do it. I can barely get in. You know.

Well, that, and you're like, I think he could get me on. That's true. Yeah, how about that text? Well, last night, I'm on state. We'll get into Sesh, but I was on stage. There was a guy wearing a Shane Gillis hoodie, Mass Square Garden. And I was like, oh, you got this great show. You saw Soder and Voss, and he was like, Soder and Voss.

He's like, I saw David Tell and Louis. Oh, wow. And I'm like, that's a tough one. I mean, respectfully to Voss, my main man. But if I went and saw Soder, Voss, and Shane, and then the next night you were there and you saw Tell Louie and Shane, I'd be like, hey, let me get a couple of bucks. back. Yeah, I heard one night it was Atel Chee Louis or something like that.

Apparently Chee just stole it. Wow. Yeah. Apparently Louis is working on some new I heard. But a tell, you know, annihilated. But yeah. Working out new at an MSG guest spot. Yeah.

That's a funny place to be. The joke book out and everything. No, there's no way. I don't know about the joke book. Joke book can't be true. I think you brought an easel and some props. I don't know. I mean, that's disrespectful if that's true.

the joke book at MSG. But it's also hilarious that Shane's like, I'm doing New York. I'm just going to get the best comedians in New York to do my show. And we've, well, we got all into like, you know, you got to have a black guy, got a white guy, can have a lady.

He's just like, I'll have Louis, Attell, Colin Quinn, Dan Soder, Michael Jay. Like, he's just like, I'm just going to book the best show. Yeah, of course. Which is just so fun because somehow that's controversial. Right. But he's like, I'll just do the show I want.

I'm at the garden. Of course. I think that's where we're at now. I think we're done with all the other crap. I don't know. I don't know. I'm saying we. I don't know about the other people.

We've been done with it since day two. Speaking of which, Sesh last night, boy, it was a calcate of cis-white gendered bros. And Rachel. Yeah, we had Rachel. At Sagelow is a little hairless. He's smooth. Yeah, and he's blackish, too. He's got jewelry.

He wraps. That's true. He's fat. So we got that going on. No, I think he knows is dead. I was joking. All right. Hi, folks. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. Man, I love prize picks. We are so close to the big game. It's almost here. Just a week away. I'm pumped. I'm a big Patriots guy, big New Englander. There is no better way to cash in than prize picks when it always feels good to be right. Where it always feels to be right.

close the season outright with prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. I am loving prize picks.

It just makes my day more enjoyable. I got involved there. I was reluctant at first. It was one of these things where I'm like, what is this? Then it was explained to me.

I got in there. I have a blast playing prize picks. This thing is so much fun. You make a pick. If you're right, you win, it's that simple. You'll have a great time. Make things a little more enjoyable on the big day.

You're going to be hanging out. You're going to be watching the game. You're going to be having fun. You're going to be eating snacks. Why not get prize picks involved? It's a lot of fun. I love snacks. Prize picks now has early payouts.

Cash out. You're winning before the game even finishes. That's the way to do it. Get in there, make a pick, win, get that cash, and get out. That's how you stay up. baby. Go girl. Prize picks even lets you see friends lineups, send them your picks, or copy and paste

their picks into your lineup. So that way you got your buddy that's not a huge sports fan go. This is what I'm going with. I got a great pick. Take it. Just take my pick and we'll win and celebrate together. Maybe we'll make love. Download the prize pick app today and use code Tuesdays.

That's to get $50 in lineups after you play your first five bucks on a lineup. That's code Tuesdays to get 50 bucks in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, it's good to be right. Hey, hey, folks. Tuesday's stories brought you by Fabletics.

I'm wearing that puppy right now, and I'm wearing the other guys. Look at this. Fabletics, Fabletics, Fabletics. Wow. I am hooked. I didn't even know that was the ad today. That's how much I love Fabletics. Because he's my butler.

New work. out gear is the best, and Fabletics' new VIP membership makes it easy to upgrade your athletic and loungeware at an amazing price. Sign up as a new VIP Fabletics member and get 80% off everything. After that, the membership is about 70 clams a month. Skip any month you'd like, Fabletics reminders mean there are never any surprise charges. I mean, I don't know what better endorsement I can do than wearing the gosh darn stuff right in front of you. I wear it every day. I wear it every I love it. I wear it on stage. I wear it out to shows. I wear it around the house. It's comfortable. It's sexy. It feels good. And it looks very nice.

Fabletics already has incredible deals, but we've got an exclusive offer for Tuesdays with Stories. Fans get 80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Just head to fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock your 80% off. That's fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Back to the show. But I've said it before. I'll say it again. Brendan Sagalow is the hottest act in America. I'm telling you.

I got to watch this guy. You've got to stick around and watch it. He closed the show again, and he has to. Nobody can go after this guy. Wow. Come on. I'm telling you. He's like a black act.

I mean, he's doing act outs. He was doing a horse. I mean, people, it looked like someone threw a hand grenade in the fucking room. Kill Jerry. And the show was so long. It was like a two hour and 15 minute show because Salikus booked every fucking Tom Dick and asshole he ever met. Two people bailed, by the way, and it was still a long show. Yeah, it was very, very long.

It was like a Springsteen concert. It was four and a half hours. And that crowd was hanging in. I mean, I went on second, but you were going up in the middle and murdering. And I got to say, I've never seen you. more comfortable as you are in that room. Oh, thank you. Oh, I'm very happy up there. I love the show. Have you seen the show?

Sesh, show list, downtown comedy showcase. We built... It's a hottie. The greatest show of all time. And then Danny Frankel, that pimple and Salacuse, that wart. They fucking commandeered my show. Together they make a herpy. So they...

We shot this thing last night. It's going to be called Epstein File under 15. 15 and under. 15 and under. Something. Clever name. And we all did our Epstein jokes because there's no one more relevant than Jeffrey Epstein. Seigler came out and goes, by the way, I looked it up.

He died seven years ago, which is very funny. Wow, I didn't know that. So we had Norton. Oh, Norton's got 20 minutes on Epstein. He was amazing. I think he knew him. He did the funniest thing ever. He went up and he's like, I don't know.

I wasn't watching the show. I don't want to step on anybody's jokes here. So if I repeat anything, I just, I apologize. but Epstein was a great man. He was a good friend. And then he did a whole Epstein. He did like 100% Epstein thing. He had like brilliant jokes.

It was fucking hilarious. Oh, so we'll hit the 15 then, because I did about three on it. It's going to be long. Yeah, I did a couple minutes. I basically just rift. I mean, if anyone's Trump support, they're not going to enjoy my set.

But what are you going to do? I went pretty hard on the old fellow. But we had Sagalow, Ronan Rachel Who else There's like 12 people On the fucking show

Maybe they weren't that many actually Jonathan Van Halem Who I only met last night He was very funny Oh it's Norton Rachel myself You Yeah

Sagalo Ronan Jonathan I feel like we're missing One person Veter Oh geez Vita was on

Sorry Gary And he killed me It was fucking magical The show is so packed in there. He's hot. There's hot people, hot women, hot men, and the room is amazing.

They puff smoke in there. They release... Yes, yes. Hayes, they call it. Hayes, Rob Hayes. So that was amazing. Lex was there, and Salakus was running around, tripping over every two minutes.

Someone was stumbling, and I look, and Salis is on a knee down there. Yeah, doing a full caperick. What I love about Salacus, A, he's got his boots got a hole in it. His sweater had weird flower. on it. I don't know what that was about. But he's on his knee filming you, and I'm watching him, watch you. He's holding the camera. He's giggling like a school girl. Watch he's having the time of his life going, he, he, he, he, he, he. I see the camera, and I go, that's the shake.

That's the shake. That's where he gets it. And then he goes, oh. Yeah. He does that thing. Oh, ho. Yeah. He does that crap. It's like a date. It was amazing. And my agent was there. My manager was there, Salikers was there, Danny Frankel was there, it was like a, who's it? It was industry was there. And Veter had some great stuff, he's a great hang, and everybody fucking killed.

And the crowd never got tired and everything. They just kept, we just kept going into the night. White hot. And Ronan fucking killed, but man, Sagalow, he's got something special going on right now. Wow. And he's no joke. He's with UTA. Oh, good for you. I didn't know that. He's taken off.

He's through the stratosphere. And my respect to Sodor, bring him on the road, and respect to Luke Monis and Matt Wayne, my openers, but I wouldn't want to deal with Sagalow. I mean, he's up there like, like doing crazy shit and kill the jokes. I'm telling you. Frankl send me his clip.

I want to watch. Well, Salakuse could shoot it right over. Oh, that's true. I mean, it's like deaf comedy jam. It's unbelievable. Everyone's like, I can't go up to Segal. I'm not going up to Segal. I'm not going up to Segal.

And he's got, I'm like, can you close? He's like, yes. Oh, I like that. He's not even like, well, I don't, you know, I was late. He's like, hey, I'll close this fucking thing. So he's got the, he's got the goods this fellow. Hey, all right, all right. I can't wait to watch.

Did his podcast also, and he's hilarious on there. Oh, boy. Maybe he doesn't like the sound of this Segalo. He does not a fan. They have the same body. But the baby did like a half step today. He's right there. Oh, that's fun.

I'll probably miss it during this episode. That's good. He did one of these. Oh, that's exciting. I'm counting it. Very exciting. It's very exciting. fun and then it's just

on the move. I know. It's just going to go right down that stoop. Well then it becomes that thing of like, oh my God. Holy shit. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. A lot of smashing the face, all that good stuff. He's already opening drawers. He's chugged like cleaning supplies. Oh, that's fine. He'll take plates and smash them.

Like a Greek. Connie Corleone. Yeah. But anyways, keep an eye out for this. Epstein Files. 15 under 15 or whatever. I don't know if it's going to be pay what you want or something like that. And it's dicey. I mean, every single person literally was like fucking kids, rape kids, kid and rapes.

Bringing it back, baby. So, and Punch Up, it's nasty on that. I want to give a show to Punch Up. You got to get in there. They are like doing ticketing and email and they got every date up there. This is the website comedy fans have been praying for. Yeah. And they got Bill Burr.

They got Samaril. They got you. They got Louie. They got everybody. Everybody's on there. And Danny's the man, and he just loves comedy. But also, we're putting up all kinds of crazy bonus stuff. And I think that might be the new Patreon over there.

Oh. Well, because here's the thing. I mean, I don't know. Does Patreon listen to this? Because... Is that a person? I don't know. Yeah.

Is it like Bill, Patreon? Because Patreon takes a big cut. A bunch of will take a smaller cut. Plus, our website is on there. They're promoting our shows. Yes. Yes. And so there you go.

Put that in your pipe and blow me. We may be shifting gears and I don't know if anyone's left in our Patreon anyways. Well, yeah, we're doing all right. You know what I think is somebody is going to offer to buy punch up in like 10 years. You know, some big cum-guzzling corporation is going to go like this guy's annoying. Buy this guy. Give him a billion bucks. Right.

It's a good point. He is annoying. Yeah. He's a disruptor. He looks just like Ben Shapiro. I see him and I think I'm talking to Shapiro. Oh, I never thought of that. dead on. Wow.

I mean, he's a dead ringer for Shapiro. And he talks fast. He's got the high voice, and he's a dirty hebe. Oh, whoa. So yeah, you might have something there. All right. What else you got? I haven't seen you since the 80s. Well, I guess I saw you last night and last week. Yeah, well, how about this? So I flew

to Oregon. What do you live in Oregon? I feel like you were in Oregon three days ago. I was because of the snowstorm. I got snowed in. But didn't you go there recently? Bend? Or am I just mixing up stories? Oh, I see. So I went to Bend. So you got to fly to whatever the hell. Denver.

I hate connecting in Denver, that fucking airport. Fly the Denver, then connect and go to Bend. Now, Bend, have you been to Bend? I've been to Bend. It's like my dick. It's crooked, but it's beautiful. It's like Aspen. I love Bend.

And yeah, there's a little arcade in the center of town that we rented out. It was during my buddy's birthday. It was like me and my niece and nephew, and we had the time of our lives. It was like we had it for an hour. We went crazy. Wow. Yeah, they put you in a fun hotel, the mountain ranges and all that shit, the snow caps. It's freezing out there.

Everything's snowy. It's cute. A lot of L.L. Bean. A lot of big dogs. A lot of hemp. So we do the rock club. Oh, I love a rock club. Yeah, I like it, but they get rowdy.

They're chugging IPAs these animals. I guess I don't like them either. Whatever you like, I like. I don't love them. Yeah, me either. I like Dick. Well, you know I like a rock club? I like being backstage.

You see all the posters. I love that. And you're like, whoa, dispatch was here. Hey, Rushmore played here. The gay farts were here. Right. And you're like, Arcade Fire did blow right here, whatever it is. So, you know, I go out there with my opener, Brent.

He's a Portland guy. He killed. What's his last name? Lowry? I don't know Brent Lowry. Skinny guy. Sounds ugly. So he goes up, he kills, and then I go up, and it just,

It's a firefight. You know, like, oh, p, p, p, p, p, p, you know, you get this guy, a lot of yelling, but they were fun. And then we painted the town red. We went to McMinnamans. McMiniman? You don't know McMinimittam? A two-drick-minimum? No.

I don't know, McMinimin. Is this company, I don't know, it's a family, a guy, something. Look this up, Choochoo. So this guy, Jeff McMiniman, he bought all these old schools, hospitals, chocolate factory, whatever it is, and he turns them into bars. Oh. And hotels. So you go there and you're like, what was this?

An old convent? You know, you see a picture of a kid getting dittled and a swastika. What do you call it? Not a swastika. The cross. Crucifix? Hulk Gogan. You see the crucifix and you go, what is it?

And they go, oh, this is an old little boys home or something. Now there's a bar over there. There's a ski ball over there and a wet t-shirt contest. That sounds wonderful. I like this McMinnam. They're all over the Pacific Northwest. What do you got? It's true.

It says McMiniman's and his brother, Brian, are famous for transforming historic derelict buildings, including schools, poor farms, and hotels into unique destination, pubs, hotels, and breweries. I didn't know a bar could be derelict.

I thought a person is derelict. Yeah. How about that? Derelict just means out of function? Yeah, I'm not kidding. Yeah. I thought, uh, dilapitated. Yeah.

Now, can a person be dilapidated? If a building can be derelict, derelict, can a person be dilapidated? Yeah. Also, Darylick sounds like a name. You know Darylick? Darylicked Eric's pussy. Yeah, exactly. Rector, damn dear killed her. But yeah, so we went to McMinnemans and we just got sloppy jalopy, and then you wake up and then you go, we got to drive to Grand Rond. Grand Rond. I never heard of that. That's where the next gig is. So basically I had this casino gig. So I told my agent, book me a casino. because the payday is insane.

And it's one night so I can be back back with the kid. Right. So he booked me on Saturday at Grand Ron Spirit Mountain Casino. And I said, well, if I'm going to Oregon, might as well hit me with a Friday. So he found this Rock Club. Okay. So that's kind of how my routing's working now. But we drove to Grand Ron, went to this casino, and, uh, woo, it is a wild sight out there.

It's like two hours out of Portland. Wow. Drugs out of Portland is a little funky. Oh, it's crunchy. It's funky. It's hillbilly. I mean, we're out in the mountain. These are mountain people.

Right. And we had a great time and drank again as well. But, woo, it's a scene out there. And then, whoa, mama. We got a big dump of snow in New York. Every flight I've ever had is canceled. Well, yeah, it's crazy because I was, like, blown away. So I was in Carolina dealing with this.

I was in North Kakalaka. We did the Rock Club, Orange Peel, which smash. Actually, Pumpkins did like a week there, which is crazy. Because I had the same thing. I'm like, Billy Corgan was sitting here? That's fucking nuts. What is it? Is it cool?

Do you like it? Is it hip? Is it bad? Is it? The peel? Yeah, the peel. What's the appeal? The peel is fantastic.

It's a big rock club. And these people were not rowdy or anything. This is an Asheville, which is a crunchy town. I love that. It's like a lesbian, Subaru, mountainy town. A lot of armpid hair. But it was a funky travel weekend. So it's one of these ones we had Asheville Thursday, the Orangeville.

Bill. Yes. Friday, Saturday, Charlotte Comedy Zone, which I've never been to. That's like the foundational comedy zone. Yeah, I love that. The Mother Club.

Charlotte, baby. Which somehow I just never did the comedy zones. Because for a while, it was like, you got to get past, when we were younger, it was like a thing. It was kind of like you've got to go to visit Stroop in Ohio to get at the funny boat.

It was kind of that kind of thing, so I just never was there. And then I don't know what happened there. So anyways, we did Asheville 13th comedy zone Friday Saturday. But there's no direct flights to Asheville on Delta at least. So I'm like

fuck it, I'll fly direct to Charlotte, rent a car. I got Matt Wayne with me. We fly to Charlotte. Rent to car. I'm like, all right, so we'll drive two hours west to Asheville. That's not bad. But then I hate losing my Friday on the road. I love

Friday morning. You wake up and you do whatever. You got the whole day. You work. You work out. You do yoga. You suck your own dick. Whatever it is. So I'm like, after the show, we'll turn around and drive back to Charlotte. Okay, two hours is doable. But it's a two hour, two and a half hour flight, rent a car, drive two hours, to the show, and then drive back two hours. True that.

Plus, I wake up at fucking seven o'clock in the morning. So I'm like, all right, so we get the hotel in Charlotte for that night. We fly down, we land. Then, now I have like a good manager, good agent. Yeah. We're doing well in the business. Becky. So in the old days, you would just be like,

well, it's going to snow. I guess I'm going to live in North Carolina for a month. But now the manager's like, I'll tell you what, we're not sending you into a snowstorm. I'll tell you that. We'll figure something out. We're not sending you if it's going to snow. But part of you is like,

eh, wouldn't mind getting snowed in in Charlotte. Sunday was championship Sunday. The Patriots go to the Super Bowl. Very exciting. How about this? I tell this. I don't like we've done it since. So we made Marty his first dentist appointment.

We're going to the dentist. Oh, no. So the Patriot. Oh, he's excited. He's pumped. Well, wait until he gets there. and they give him the old heave-ho. They just brush you these two.

The teeth don't even matter. They're temporary. I'm picturing drilling and his little feet going up. No, they brush his teeth. They just give him a sticker, I think. He's going to be rinsing in like this is out tomorrow. So he's all excited with the dentist. He's like, can we go to the dentist today?

That's adorable. So the Patriots win the game, and I scream, we're going to the Super Bowl. And he goes, and the dentist. Is that gold? That's cute. I mean, I was like crying. I was like the Patriots won. I couldn't believe it.

I picked him up with jumping. I'm like, we're going to the Super Bowl. That's adorable. And the dentist. And the dentist. So he's pumped for the dentist. He doesn't care about the Super Bowl. No, he doesn't get it.

And he fart. So I was like, part of me was like, maybe I'll get snowed in, watch the games all by myself. It'll be great. What do you got there? That's me watching the Patriots game in the casino. Oh, fun. Just leaning on a slot machine. I'll send it to you and put it in there.

Yeah, stick it in there. But that snow. I love that snow. That's why I text you. Great game. You were back. Incredible. It was wonderful.

And the good guys won. So we fly down to Charlotte. We drive the two hours. And then they're like, it's going to be the snowstorm of the century. Forget about it. Ice, snow, your mother's cunt. So we move the Saturday shows. We're like, sorry, we've got to cancel those.

But if you have tickets to the Saturday, you can come Friday. One of those deals. Wait, minute, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But what in the show Friday? We have two shows, Friday, two shows Saturday. At the zone. At the zone. So Orangeville was Thursday.

Archfield Thursday. Got it, got it. So the Saturday ticket holders, you're like, you can take those tickets. And you can come in Friday. We'll just pack it out Friday. Got it. So we drive to the Orange Peel. Orange Peel was fucking fantastic.

Big rock club. It looks like a big rock club. Big brick building. Legendary room. Yeah, great room. And we packed it out and they were fucking great crowd. Hell yeah. Then some of these fans, as you know, a little bit on the psychotic side.

Sure. You don't say. So I'm doing a meet and greet and selling shirts. Matt Wayne and I. We go in the back. There's a man. right where you are this close. So I'm standing here.

I was selling the shirts. Guy standing here, vaping and drinking. He's got a baseball hat. And his head is, I thought I was going to get killed. He's staring at me like this the whole time. Oh, yeah, I know this tape. And I'm like, all right, you want a large? Hey, large.

All right, I'm going to get a large. And I'm doing the whole spiel. This is the best shirt you ever had. We're going to have this for a long time. And I just, on the corner, I glance. He's staring at me. Yeah. And he looks like an assassin.

And I'm like, this. is insane and I'm talking never breaks, stared, never stops looking, and he's not even facing me. He's facing this way with his head turned. So I'm like, this is it. I'm going to get my dick cut off and shoved in my own ass the way I've always wanted.

Is he security, baby? So here's the thing. So the line is down, the line just goes. It's very exciting feeling. It's 300 people in line. Everyone's very nice and he's got to hear me. It's embarrassing when there's security because they hear you say the same bullshit to everyone. Oh, hey!

I know. That's crazy. I'm gay. My father, because you're just in mode of life. I don't know what to say. So I'm like, whoop. I call it the pull the string in the back mode. Right.

Comedy. I'm gay. Sex with kids. My father's gay. Jews killed Jesus. Whatever it is. There's a snake in my boot. So you're talking.

And finally, and I just keep looking and I'm like, man, keep an eye on for this guy. And he's like, what is it? And I'm like, the guy over there, just watch him. Yeah. Huh? And now I don't want to be. controversial here. Oh, boy. Is it a vinegar?

The security at the rock club very nice, could not have been nicer, but it's like a woman. It's a woman not even like a like a cop woman. It's like a girl, like a nice girl. She's like, I'm the security.

This is also funny. She's like, I'm also the food runner. So if you order food, I'll go get your food. And I'm like, well, how can you be both? Yeah, what if I get shot while you're making a run for a pizza? Exactly. I'm like, you're going to get the tacos, this guy's going to rape my father. Exactly. So, I'm like...

Also, imagine that in the news. What happened? Why did you stop the guy? I was getting nuggets. Yeah. Joe wanted McDonald's. Yeah. So anyways, so I'm sitting there, like, saying to Matt, like, you've got to watch my back. Here, there's a guy here. And he's like, what? And then I am like, you got to watch out. There's a guy. This guy's crazy.

And Matt's like, oh, yeah. I was talking to him another show. He's nuts. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. So now the line is dwindling. This lunatic is staring at me. At one point a guy came back behind the counter and goes like, hey, what's up, man? And this guy, the psycho, gets up and goes, hey, sir, you can't be back here. Oh. So I'm like, oh, he's security, who, which is weird because everyone's wearing uniforms and has the earpiece and all black. This guy's just dressed like, you know, you are. And he's vaping

and drinking. So I'm like, one of the security guys is drinking and vaping, but he came back here and yelled at that guy. All right. So I'm relieved. Yeah. So then we sell all the shirts. Fishing. He gets back to the bottom.

And the guy, finally, the guy who's been staring at me without breaking eye contact, stands up and goes, I don't work security. I'm just a huge fan. I think you're great. And I'm like, there's a twist of fate or whatever. Did you go, hey, you're a big fan. Maybe you know not to stare at me. That might bother me.

That might make me nervous? Well, I was so scared of him and I still am. But I was like, okay. Okay. Thank you, sir. Yeah. Goodbye. Bye, bye, kids.

Yeah. I just was shitting my pants, and he walked away, and I'm like, sweating. And then you go to the security person, you're like, that was nuts. And she's like, yeah, yeah, he was crazy. Whoa. And I'm like, but could you tase him or whatever? But evidently, he's on our team. He's great.

He was very nice. And he was like, thanks so much, man. I love the show. Well, two words to the wise. One, if you're Matt Wayne, if you're anybody and somebody whispers to you, don't go, ha. Because if someone's whispering to you, they've, want it to be quiet. Right. So that's already

a fuck up. And two, the fans, we love you dearly all that, blah, blah, blah, but the staring is a problem because I've had this where I'm out with the wife, and she's like, this guy's staring at us, and I'm like, oh, and he's got a beard, and he's ugly, so I'm like, I'm like, I'm probably one of ours.

But just get it over with. That's my point. Just come up and go, hey, I'm gay, it's all pipes, and I'll pat your ass and then lick your dick, and then you can move on. I say it all the time, and it happens all the time because it is because they're trying to figure out if it's you

so but it feels and I think it's like the city life or the New England they're just like Yes and so you're like here we go I'm about to get my ass fucking kicked And then they're like I'm a fan You're like oh Jesus I know just knock it out

And we're all happy to oblige But also I think they're doing the Is that the guy? Is that what I'm saying? So we see it is this Right But they're going Oh is that him? You know so they're

they're assessing, whereas I'm like, you're staring. Yeah, well, this guy was intimidating, but very, very nice, and people were so kind. So then we ended up staying in Asheville, because I didn't feel like driving back, so we got a hotel there. We had two hotels. We had one in Charlotte and one in Asheville. You lost the money. Well, you spend a couple bucks, whatever you're going to do. Sure.

So then we drove Friday morning to Charlotte. Now, I'd never been to the comedy zone. Oh, love the zone. That is like one of the best rooms. I want to shoot a fucking special there. Killer room, perfect comedy layout, underground. low ceiling, dark, wide. It's like a bowl. Yeah, it's beautiful.

And their security, they're amazing. It was a black woman, I forget her name, but she was amazing. She took every photo in the line, security. She walked us everywhere. She took us everywhere. They had to shoot, a guy with a gun there, not that long ago. Yeah, they get that. I was like, what the hell goes on here? And there's

a nightclub next door. So it's a little dice. And there's like a detail cop there, which I love. Put cops right in my fucking showroom. Well, it's an urban room. Oh, is that right? Yeah, mostly. I'd say it's about 70% urban, so they get their security in there.

Well, they were great. The staff, one of the nicest staffs ever, great fucking green room, and great crowds. I mean, it was awesome. I started there real early because it was a southern thing. Right. Very southern town over there. Interesting. Just the food, the culture, the hospitality.

It's got a good, good southern charm. No, they could not have been nicer. And I said this to Matt. I'm like, anybody. that hates black people or is like fucking racist, whatever, which I think is less than there used to be, a lot less. Go to North Carolina. Oh, that's great.

Every waiter, staff, security, door guy, hotel, just a black, hey, y'all, come on in, what you doing, I'll get you this, let me, I'll give you a biscuit. We got free breakfast. I'll watch out for that, Sonny. I mean, it was like, I felt like I died and went to Black Pleasantville. I never saw that movie, but is that movie? Isn't that movie about like a pleasant?

It's really nice. But yeah, that is very white, Pleasantville. But the airport, every single person I bumped into, it couldn't have been nicer. Yeah, you go to LAX, the fat black lady's like, move, bitch. You're like, but you go to Charlotte and she's like, how are you doing, sugar? Yeah. You know, I always say the South, we got our history. But we're way more integrated than the North.

And the North claims to be this like, Bastion. Oh, we're the Union. We stopped the Confederacy. I get it. but I think there's, it's almost like if two people live in a house and they get to a fight and then they're actually closer after the fight, or if you live in a house and there's tension, but you just never address it. Yeah.

That's what the North feels like with black and white. The South, we got it out. We fought each other, we kill each other, we get some cotton picking. Yeah. It's a theory. I like the theory. Thank you. You're the only one.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. We have to do some asking around. I live there. I've lived on both. I've done the research. Okay, all right, fair. But, yeah, I don't know. It's a...

Great club. Great club is the foundation of the thing. But I think we all get along just fine. I'm always seeing people talking to people. I don't see anything happening. The internet fucked it up because race relations, they said in the 90s were like on an all-time high. And then... In the 2000s.

In the 2000s. But then somehow it went down after Obama, and you're like, well, how do we get here? Algorithms. I think so. That's what it is. That's the black guy's name. Well, all the white people get the video of a black guy running up and punching a white kid and running. And then all the black people get the video of a white guy stomping on a black guy's head.

And so both are watching and going, Jesus Christ. But then I'm like, use your eyes and ears. Like how many, we live in New York City, it's like how many black people are you bumping into all day, every day? And everything's fine. Nobody's ever like, get out of here, you son of a bitch. I know. Ever. He got his car punched by a black guy just today.

Oh, that's just New York. It wasn't a white thing. It was like you're a fucking asshole. Yeah. I will say, I live in Crown Heights, and everybody thought I was a Jew. So the black guys were like, get out of here, Jew. And so there's some stuff going on over there, but that's a specific area. Well, the Jews aren't so popular these days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's, which is also just horrible. That's another thing. Yeah, it's a whole other bag of hammers. Have I told you by the Charlotte Zone story? I don't think so. It's a good time for it. All right.

So I'm bombing at the Charlotte Comedy Zone. This is like two days ago. No, this is like, I don't know, 10 years ago. It's 16 people in the audience. I'm floundering up there. What do you want to talk about? Whatever. And one guy in the back is going, ha ha.

And I'm like, well, I'm doing well with that guy. Fuck you guys. Whatever, that whole thing. And bombing, bombing. Ha ha! I'm like, boy, this guy in the back. He's MVP. saving the show. I wish you guys were like him.

I get off stage. I'm covered in sweat. I hate myself. It's Brian Regan. Wow. He was in the back, drinking whiskey, sitting alone. And I go, what the fuck? This is 10 years ago when I was like, a celebrity headliner, famous guy, you know. Of course. And I was like, oh, my God, Brian Regan. He goes, yeah, I did the theater. And I was bored and lonely. So I said, I want to see who's at the club. And, hey, funny stuff, whatever. You want to get a drink. We got a drink. That's amazing. Yeah, he does that, which is incredible, because I feel the complete opposite of that. I finish that. Someone's like, oh, so-and-so's in town. I'm like, well, that's great. I'll talk to him later and say, sorry, I missed you.

I cannot imagine finishing my show and running to the club. A lesser venue. With a guy who's never heard of. Yeah. And being like, let me check him out. But he loves comedy. But also, I forget, he's probably more isolated than we are because he's on the road so much that lives in Vegas. He's probably not seeing much comedy. We're at the stand in the cellar all the time. So it's much more easy to see comedy. And he was a little tuned up, but I think you don't want to get tuned up alone. Good point.

And, you know, I was down to tune. Yeah, he's a Tommy tune. He's the best. He's such a great guy. And, yeah, I've bumped into him a few times. In Portland, it was last time, actually. Ah, well, it was just, A, I went from bombing my face off to getting laughs from the funniest guy. Yeah.

So I went from here to here. It was quite nice. You can have 300 people not lab, but if Brian Regan thinks you're funny, my God. Yeah, that's lunch. One of the all-time greats. Oh, yeah, great guy and a hell of a drinker. That guy can really pound it. What else you got going on there?

Well, so I'm going to send this also to chew-choo. I got the board at the airport of just canceled, and I have one flight that says delayed, and that's mine. Oh, okay. So I was like, I was like a gambling man. I was like, come on, baby. Come on ponies, we did you. Come on Mexico City.

Yes. So I had a flight out at 7 a.m. on Sunday, Delta direct to New York City from Portland. Wow. So I said, okay, that means I got to leave the casino at four, right? I don't know. Yeah, to get there at six, because it's a two-hour drive to the airport. Leave a casino at four, get there at six, fly out at seven. So I was like, oh, that's going to suck.

So I get on stage, I'm about to go on stage, flight canceled. Oh, boy. So I'm like, ah, so I text my manager, ah, flight got canceled. Help me. I'm worthless. I'm an idiot. And he goes, you're not going to believe this. I found you a red eye tonight.

So do your show, get right off stage and go right to the airport. And I said, done. Red eye's going to suck, but fucking. I get off stage, red eyes canceled. So I'm like, oh, this is getting real bad. And you get that hope, too. You're like, okay, I'll take it. So the last chopper out of Saigon.

So then I'm like, all right, all right, now what do I do? Okay, so now we're scrambling. He's like, all right, I got you on a 7 p.m. tomorrow night, and you land at 5 a.m. in New York, but you got to connect in Atlanta. And I was like, God, damn. Oregon to Atlanta. Oregon to Atlanta to JFK. I was like, you don't realize how lucky we are because usually he's like, here's a JFK flight.

I'm like, can you do LaGuardia? You know, like, that was, you know, that was dreaming. So I'll take anything. So I'm like, all right, fuck it, I'll take it. So the hotel was nice. I'll, we'll give you a free night. You did the casino. And I go, thank you.

Okay. So stay the whole day next day. I'm like, all right, well, I got that 7 p.m. Better leave the casino at 4. Cancel. So you go, God, damn it. So I just did the thing. I just pulled a Hailberry.

And I said, you know what? I'm just going to take the shuttle to the airport. and just be there. Nice. Doesn't it feel better just be there for some reason? Like Mrs. McAllister. Yes.

So now... Dangly ones. I'm texting with the manager. Hey, hey, I'm going to the airport if you got anything. And he goes, everything's canceled with his one American flight

that's going out of Portland to Charlotte and then LaGuardia. And I go, hey, that's pretty good. But it might get canceled. So I go to the airport way early, and I go, well, I'll go to the American Lounge, no lounge.

So then I go, maybe I'll go to that Delta Lounge, because I did have a Delta ticket. They canceled on me. Right. You can't go in the lounge without a ticket. Of course. And my ticket was canceled, but I did buy the ticket. Okay. What do you think?

I mean, well, aren't you, don't you have some status and credit card? They don't care. They want that ticket. Okay. I tried that before, too, where I just was flying United. I was like, let me go to the Delta Lounge. Yeah. They weren't having it.

it. Yeah, if you're a member, you're a member. That's what I thought, but you got to have a ticket. Okay. So I go to the Delta Lounge, and I get a lady named Dominique. Dominique. Very attractive, African-American woman, very pretty. Dominic Wilkins. And I go, hey, look, I had a ticket, but you guys canceled it. I'd love to get in the lounge. She goes, oh, yeah, that's no problem. You're in. And I go, oh. And she goes, what? What's going on? I go, well, you guys, I kept putting it on her. I was like, you guys canceled my flight.

and she goes, oh no, the Atlanta flight to JFK is canceled. I can still get you to Atlanta. And I was like, huh, really? She's like, yeah, give me all your info, and I'll just get you on a new flight. Did you know you can do this? The lounge has all this cool access to information, and I'm Diamond, so she was all over it. I mean, there's people, I mean, I know those people in the lounge that do things. I never thought about it.

Yeah. I just go right to the food. Yeah, I mean, I usually do too, but if you have questions, certainly they're there to help. I had no idea. Oh, yeah. So she's like, go get some food. I'm on it. And I was like, oh, my God, this woman.

I'm in love with this woman. And so I'm pigging out. I get a cocktail at the bar. I'm getting all this food. I got a pile high up to here on a plate. I'm sitting down. I got a napkin tucked in. I'm wafing it down and I see some feet.

And I look up. It's Dominique. Oh, I want to suck those toes. Yeah. She's like, I was like, she's like, I got you on a flight to Atlanta, then Atlanta to LaGuardia. but you're going to have to sleep at the Atlanta airport.

And I was like, I'm not going to lie to you, Dominique. I got an American flight. And she goes, really? Let me see the ticket. She goes, you should do that. Really? Yeah. So I felt guilty, but she was cool.

That away, Dominique. I got on the American flight, flew to Charlotte. Charlotte was delayed five hours. But then I got home. So I got home Monday night. Jesus. Well, we felt like it was, we were like Landau Calrizian pulling out as the death star. exploded because we left Saturday afternoon from Charlotte and the story was already snowing

in Nashville. We were like watching the news. It was a crazy storm. The storm was 2,000 miles long. Crazy. Which is funny because, you know, my best buddy lives in Seattle. The football game was in Seattle. You're watching, you're like, you're like the only area of the country unaffected by this storm.

I know. It's like blue skies out there. But we had it. It was like, we're at the airport watching the snow coming down in Nashville, which is like 100 miles over that way. Wow. And we were like, da, da, da, da. But then, where they are Sunday, the fucking big blizzard, I text Karen.

I'm like, hey, we're hanging out. Where are you spending this? She's like, I'm on a play. I'm flying home right now. What? She got home from Detroit. Delta, I don't know how it happened. I'm like, are you out of your mind?

Like, it was like white out conditions, and they flew her home. The fool flew all the way home in a snowstorm. She was like Harry Bailey. Oh, well, it's not a long flight, I guess, but still. It's a short flight, but I mean, it. It was coming down, and I was also like, that's a dangerous cab ride, but she made it home. Wow. So some flights were landing at LaGuardia in the middle of the snowstorm.

I was shocked. Wow, it's like a sully kind of thing. I thought they just closed the airport. So did I. Man, it was fun. It's fun to have a big old fucking snowstorm. It is, yeah. And I'll tell you, when I got that landed LaGuardia, got that Uber, and you're just like, oh, my God, you feel, you don't realize what you have.

You get to go to your house and the baby crawls up to you. it's all warm in there. And your wife's like, I'm cooking soup. And you're like, oh, my God. It's a beautiful thing. It's a pretty good, yeah. It's all pipes. It is pipes.

Wait, I might have one other thing here. Please. Charlotte, my father's gay, snowstorm, Orange Peel. Oh, we've got to give a show to Sarah Love. Comedian, Sarah Love. We had no one booked to MC at the Orange Peel. And I don't like a two-man show. Oh, really?

I prefer it. I had never done this in my life. And I don't want, I shouldn't even say this out loud, because then people start doing it. But yeah, people message you and they go, hey, I'm shooting my shot. Yeah, I get that. You never heard of me.

I've been doing comedy for three days. Yeah, I open for you. I get that all the time. Yeah, and so I usually ignore them. And then I was like, I need an MC, and I remembered reading it. She was like, hey, I would do comedy in Asheville. So I wrote back and was like,

I watched a couple clips to make sure she wasn't, you know, didn't have Down syndrome or anything. And I was like, I was like, you got it. You're in. And then she was, great, good hang, funny. And then we were doing the comedy zone. I texted my manager.

I'm like, they have an MC. He's like, no. So I asked her, and she came out and did it. Hey, all right, love burger. And how about this? This was like a joke out of a, that you would put in like a rom-com with a person falls in love. She's like, I never watched it with Matt Wayne and I,

who are artistically Seinfeld, like us, Seinfeldian. And she's like, I always want to watch it with people that, like, really know it and quote it, like that kind of thing. Oh, my God. What is you trying to get in your best? I was like, what the hell? So we put it on, and Matt and I were just doing the show, and she was laughing. Oh, what a perfect little fine.

I mean, if my wife was like, can you just watch Seinfeld and do all the lines? Oh, man. I would, you know, marry her. Yeah. But anyway, so that was fun, and then, because that's what we're doing anyways. Matt and I just, we communicate through Seinfeld jokes. But anyways, she was great, so you got a good comic there if you ever need someone. All right.

Yeah, good to know. And last but not least, how about this? So in all the excitement, I guess it is least, last and least, and all the excitement of like we've got to get to the airport, return the car, here we go. And I had all these extra shirt, Punch up, who does merch now also. They think I'm fucking, you know, Betty White or something. They sent me a box of shirts to the orange peel.

Yeah. Like 800 shirts in there. So I got a line two miles long. Every member of the audience buys a shirt, two shirts. The psychos watching me. And I'm like, now that was a haul. I got a bundle of cash. My Venmo breaks because it's overloaded.

I turn around. There's still 275 shirts. Wow, that's still a good, good sale, though. You've moved some product. I did, but I'm like, but I paid for these shirts already. Can you throw them in the trunk? So I throw them in the trunk. Then we get to the comedy zone the next day in Charlotte.

And they go, oh, here's your box of merch that was shipped here. I'm like, what? It's 2,000 shirts. They sent 2,000 shirts to both places. Oh, my God. I'm like, Danny, I am moderately successful. Right. So then I'm just walking out of there with two boxes of shirts.

I look like a Jamaican lady with the fruit on her head. You got to set up a bazaar or something out there. So then we get to the rental car return, and I got 7,000 shots. And I want to carry a box in the place. So I'm stuffing shirts in my asshole in the backpack. Matt shoving them in. I'm like, they look like fake tits. They're in my shirt.

Yeah. There's still 100 left. So I just gave them to a homeless lady that was dead on the side of the airport. I put him over her face. I just had to eat it. There's a homeless lady going to a list of mania. So I get on the thing, whatever, I get all the shirts stuffed in my backpacks like this, my suitcases like this. Forgot my hat.

I left my socks hat in the rental car. And we're just far enough away that you're like, I can't go back for it. Man, so over the weekend you paid for an extra hotel. You lost a ton of money on shirts. and you lost your lucky cap. I lost my cap. It's brutal. And my hair's gay.

I had mad head, bad head, fat head. And so I'm just like, I got like a center part. My head's flat. I'm like a jackass. And I got no hat and my fat and my father's gay. There you go. Well, hey, we made it back home. God damn.

So you made it home Sunday. Saturday. Saturday. Oh, you beat it before the storm. You beat it. Good job. So, uh, we made it back home. That was fun, and just a great weekend of shows.

And I don't know. And we got some plugs here. You better believe it, Fannie. Don't turn it up. By the way, some guys, like, I commented on a post. He's like, this is hilarious. I've been watching on podcasts for years. Never found you funny.

But then this is hilarious. And I'm like, well, first of all, I hate this. I'm a comedian. Yeah. What do you think we're doing here? Yeah. I'm not a podcaster. I'm a comedian.

I'm just doing this so you'll come see me to comedy. Like, how many have you listened to podcasts? for years, I've been like, this guy sucks. And then listen to one joke, and you're like, Jesus, he's pretty good. I'm like, yes, that's my job. I know. Well, it's flipped these days.

A lot of people are more pod than Com. I guess so. I love Com. But so you're like, go to the shows. Listen to the shows. We're like fucking around here. Of course. We were two retards on a couch being gay.

I can't even recall a thing I've said in the last hour. My specials are tight, sexy pussy. Something about vinegar and, uh, What else? But anyways, so Check out the special. I got four specials on YouTube. Count them.

I hate myself. This year's material. Enough for everybody. Small ball. And there's a ton of other shit on there. Tom, Dustin, Portch of a comedian. Go to Punchup Live.com. Sign up for our email list so we can just shoot you an email.

Yes. We're all over Punch Up. We got extra content on there. Get on it. Become a fan or whatever. Sign up and you'll get all the goodies. Oh, and our Patreon is cooking again. We just did some spicy stuff last week.

That got a little dicey. You better believe it. So getting there, we'll do a dicey one. We should just promote it. We'll do dicier. Yes. You want nasty. You want crazy?

Yeah, dicey and spicy. What? People write me and they're like, Joe said this is supposed to be crazy. How come there's, you know what I mean? Like, when you put it up it. We're going to really get naked and talk about Jews. Edwards, everything. We're going to go nuts in there.

It's going to be swimming in racial epitence Epithets, epiterm, whatever it is. Epipen. And let me throw some dates out, too, because I got all these dates. San Antonio's coming up.

Toledo, Columbus, yoga in Cleveland. That's a joke. That's a joke, everybody. Where am I? Oh, San Francisco, Vancouver. We added a show.

Don't make a fuck out of me. I hate adding a show and no one comes. You look like a dick face. So, you're going to Punch Up Live, all the dates are on there. Levittown. Okay. My father's gay. I don't know. What the fuck?

All right. Providence in April. When does this come out again? Who knows? Oh, wow. Okay. I'm also in San Antonio this weekend. Tulsa. That needs a little help. Going to Arizona. Indianapolis, Buffalo, and Portland, Maine.

Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale at the Impro. Raleigh, going back to the south, and Spokane, Philadelphia, what is, Brookfield, oh, Milwaukee, and Irvine, California, Tempe Improv, and Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak Mish.

Get some bodega cat, get on the Patreon, it's cooking with gas. What do you got? Juckles. Check out my... Geez, check on my... Whoa, flat tire. All confused by the word Patreon.

Check on my podcast. Fundbearable. We're at Fundbearable Pod everywhere. And also, we are looking for funding for a very special project, a pilot. I said it last week. Multiple Tuesdays reached out. They're good people, these people, these Tuesdays. They really are nice. If you have some cash to throw around, you want to hear about a fun independent project. We're shooting it with the impractical Joker's crew. Whoa. And we're looking for some funding. So find me at discount Chuck and DM me, Instagram, Twitter, wherever the hell. You could put the fun in funding. Yeah. All right. Well, we're going to go do the fucking most bananas, bat shit, asshole eating. Crazy. Comridden, Ku Klux Klan, fucking Patreon of all time. Mustika, Nazi.

It's going to be nuts. Hamas got nothing on us. Oh, that's May. And her dad. Uh-oh. Oh, there we go. Oh, God. Well, there was two windows, and I watched you walk by this window.

Then there was a brief pause, and I'm like, did she just eat it and die? Wouldn't that be crazy if we were podcasting and your wife just fucking? smashed her head and passed away he never eats it uh all right well and thanks folks we'll see you at hell we fill up