Tuesdays with Stories! - #642 Ugly Sloppy Orca

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

Joe tries his hand with a casino kook! Mark gets fast and furious on the way to the Stress Factory! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns, go to https://www.Quince.com/TUESDAYS - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ - Get 25% off your first order of MASA Chips with code TUESDAYS @ http://MASACHIPS.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me. Here we go. Look at that sun shining out there. All over all the garbage and the snow banks. Mr. Sun, the sun, Mr. Golden Sun. How about yesterday, by the way, it was 31 degrees in sunny. I walked home from Soho. I was like, I'm basking, baby.

It's a beautiful thing because when you got the hellish eight degree, you go to 31. You're on a hog ham. I know. I was Josh Basking in it. I just, I was skipping around. I took my shirt off. My tits are all sunburned. Oh, let me see.

31. And I'm going to Texas in a couple weeks. I can't wait. I don't know if I'm going to handle it. Me too. I'm San Antonio tomorrow. But it just shows that if you have a horrible thing, if it's a little better, it's great.

Exactly. That's why, you know, I married my wife. My last girlfriend was a tub of shit. I mean, she was a big fatso with a, no, I'm making it up. But I didn't fuck a lot of fat ladies. No, Beckins, better than my cock. Fat ladies were a lot of fun.

I mean, they're giving, they're appreciative. It's like a crowd in the middle of nowhere. They're like, thank you for coming. That's a fat lady. Yeah, fat ladies are USO shows. Oh. And I say thank you for your service. Yes.

Thanks for putting your chubby ankles in the air. Exactly. I do one of these and say thanks for my privates. Well, I try to do this as a bit, but I guess it's insensitive. I used to fuck almost exclusively fat girls. I had very low self-esteem. And I had like, you know, metal wire glasses

and forehead and crooked teeth and bad jeans. So it fucked just heavyweights. And then people are like you got a real fat fetish. I'm like, no, no, I'm disgusted by them. I have low self-worth. Right. I think they're the grossest people on earth. But that's all that will fuck me. But if you

were drunk enough, it was a hoot. I guess so. It was a hoot. It was a to and I'm joking, of course, the grossest people. I love my heavy gals, our heavyweights, because there's plenty of... We need you, biggies. Buffalo sisters out there. There you go, pig. We appreciate you.

We appreciate you. We appreciate you. Okay. This is getting whirly. 40 seconds in here. No, but I had sex with a lot of big gals, a lot of bouncy gals.

And then in the meet, every once in a while, I would have sex with like a very, very hot woman. It was exciting. It would be like five tubs and one 10. Well, here's the clinker is I feel like on some girl

podcast like a collar, Mr. or whatever it is, calling Papa. You can go, I had a real problem. I was drinking. I was fucking all these short guys. These guys were so short. And they all go, oh, gross. Oh, you're fucking shorties. Yikes. And then they're like, now I'm with a tall guy. Thank God.

I got my life together. But I feel like if we do it, it's meaner. Yeah, well. Perceived as meaner. Well, we're also saying it. But I think they're mean. It is more acceptable. It's more acceptable. I think because they get beat up and raped. and everything.

Yeah. So we're skating high over here. I see. But the ladies, every one of them has been subjected to some kind of dick in the face,

balls in the forehead. Sure. So they get leniency. Right. They say we'll be leaning on it. Did you ever watch Blue Harvest, the family guy, Star Wars? I think I did.

I didn't know the title of it. It's called Blue Harvest. Oh, with the women joke? She's the only other woman on the planet. No, that's a different one. I don't like her. I don't like her. That's a different one.

Okay. The first one, do yourself. favor. Watch Family Guy Blue Harvest. It's probably on YouTube or iTunes. Lex, you've seen it? It's amazing. It's the first whole, they do a whole Star Wars. They did all three movies, but the first one is the best one. A new hope. But anyways, it's fucking amazing. But they have the, there's one scene in Star Wars where the two guys, the big black penis helmets, I don't know. I don't know Star Wars that well. But they're sitting there and there's no railing. It's where the torpedo takes off or whatever.

Anyways, in the real movie, there's just, it's just bottomless space. I remember that. There's no railing. And so then family guy, the guy goes, did I tell you, I brought up the railing? And he goes, you did? He goes, yeah, you know what they said? They said would be leading on it. And it's very funny.

Wow. I love jokes like that. It's so funny. That no one else is thought of in history. But you kind of go into crazy. You can just fall in. Yeah. And he goes, well, none of this will matter when we're famous singers.

It's fucking great. Every joke is perfect. Man. And they do the canteen up. Boop, boop, boop. And he goes, any request? Play that same song. Okay.

Same song. Boop, boop. There's another one. He goes, Hoth. Why don't they call it cold? And he goes, ooh. And he goes, I'm up after the band. Oh, man.

I got to watch this. You got to watch it. It's a million jokes per second. Wow. It's beautiful. Yeah. Hoth is cold. I love a bad joke that you can make good by letting everyone know you know it's bad.

Right. See, because they still thought of that joke, by the way. That's fun. I'm watching this show. I feel like you. I'm watching this horse shit show called His and Hers. Oh, I've seen the thing for that. It's like number one, two on Netflix.

It's very popular. More like number two. Yeah. It's so bad, but you keep watching. There's one scene, I don't want to give too much away in case you're going to watch it later with your wife. No. But this woman, she's got to be 35.

She's a news anchor on this big show in Atlanta. And she goes into her childhood bedroom. And she's going through the old boxes for a little nostalgia a trip down memory lane and she finds an old camcorder and she goes boop and starts watching it it's a 20 year old camcorder the battery is fresh as a daisy right it just starts playing on a part that's relevant to the plot oh that's always fun it's a hell of a good time his and hers i've seen the poster it's a guy and a woman right his and hers is and hers yeah it's about a divorce couple that are uh kind of going at it but it's john barrenthall bernthal he's got a great hairline and a big

fucking schnaz. I don't know. You've seen him. He's in Sicario. Oh, I know that guy. That guy's great. And Wolfo Wall Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that guy. Yeah, he's good. He's fantastic. He's the rip guy, the muscle guy. Yeah. Yeah, but boy, this is a real

piece of garbage, but it just shows it's number one, two on Netflix, so it's like, this is what our country is enjoying. Right. I just popped on the Epstein dock again, because I'm just all over the Epstein files. It never ends. It's like Groundhog Day. It's six more weeks, Epstein. This is

good, good stuff. And the guy videotaped and audio recorded everything. And Lex's just telling us there's 75 Garobites or fucking bunny bites. I don't know what it is. Bagel bites. Tons of bites.

Reality bites. So there's got to be footage. Eventually I want the footage. I want Bill Clinton fucking adult from behind. Adult. Come on. Give me the hard stuff. I mean, they're going to have Trump eating out twin girls and Bill Gay. I mean, fucking Stephen Hawking rolling over, whatever.

Yeah, bring it on. I can't wait. Michael Jackson, he he's in there and Diana Ross is in there. That list, it's like Adam Sandler, Jennifer Coolidge. You're waiting to see your name. Yeah. You're just scrolling. Like, how long?

How much longer? Every Tom Dick and Adel is on that list. Well, Louis Gomez is in there. Gomez, Tom Hanks. Keep it going. Yeah, a couple other people I'm close with. Yeah, that guy. What are you going to do?

You wouldn't turn on a hang with Woody Allen. No. Well, I remember hearing about the hang, but I never heard a Jeffrey Epstein at the time. So you're just like, oh, okay, crazy. Who cares about, that's the thing. Woody's like a flare-up in the sky, a herpes flare-up, where everyone else can shoot out the other way. If you're someone's like, hey, I had dinner with Woody Allen,

you're like, what? Did he talk about Andy Hall? Did he talk about Bill Cosby? Did he talk about, you know, the movies? Groucho? Yeah. And meanwhile, you got Epstein scarring over that direction. Sure.

And no one ever notices him. And you're in a mansion. He said the food was amazing in the email. He's like, thank you so much for the food and all that and hanging with Woody. I mean, why wouldn't you go? You don't know who Epstein is. He's just an accountant to you. He's a big Jew in the Upper West Side.

Well, I think some people knew who he was. Oh, okay. I guess I was in the dark. Yeah. He had been arrested for. soliciting child prostitutes. Oh, yeah. 2006, 2005.

I'm an idiot. You know, people say all these Dershowitz. I'm like, I don't know who that is. I'm out of Scarabucci. I don't know anything. What was I about to say about something? Epstein, Doc. Epstein, Doc.

The Epstein is kind of like when I went to Auschwitz and I was there and I was like, ran a train. I don't think we should be making jokes about that. You go there, you're like, this isn't funny. we shouldn't joke about this. Yeah. And it's the same when, then of course, you know, three weeks later, you're like, woohoo. Also, time helps.

There's been a lot of time and it's far away. Sure. But then. Didn't mean to Heil. Epstein, I'm watching the dock and you're like, I'm like 10 minutes in. I'm like, we shouldn't, we shouldn't have done that show. This is horrible. It is horrible.

This guy's assaulting children. And meanwhile, we're like, buy it on punch up. We'll make fun. Yeah. And it's all shot and Freud. We're all sitting there like, who else is on the list? Give me more files. Keep the dirt coming.

This is so exciting. Meanwhile, the ladies are getting no attention. All the women who got railed are just like, hello, my vagina hurts. I can use some help. And we're like, shut up, bitch. I'm reading a file. Yeah, you forget. But it is spicy.

But the reason you want to see, because you want to see these people go down, I will take you down. Yes. You do want to see some downage, some down syndrome. So, but yeah, it's a horrible, horrible thing. Same with serial killers. Sure. It's, it's, you don't feel great about it, but it's entertaining. It is entertaining.

But the problem is a lot of these women who were killed are dead. A lot of these women on Epstein are still alive. Right. So you want to hear them out. Let's get her on the pod. Yeah, well, there's a couple of them out there. And brilliant, the first episode, Filthy Rich, the Epstein doc. These artists, they're wonderful.

These doc guys, they're very talented. I watched the Chevy Chase and the, the Mel Brooks in like a two-day span and loved every video. Huh? The Stiller Dock? I haven't. The Stiller Dock is one of the best movies I've seen in the last five, ten years. Wow.

I mean, I'm a comedian, I'm married to a comedian. I have a son, so it's made for me. I'm the target audience, I guess. And you like comedy. You live in New York. And I love Stiller. But man, how about this? Jerry Stiller and Ann Mirror, they bought their apartment, 74th and Columbus, I think.

Okay, I know it. 11 grand. God. It's like three bedrooms. Jesus. It's the size of this place. $11,000. Wow.

How do you like that? What year? I don't know. 1970, something like that, maybe, 68, 65. $11,000. I mean, it literally would be more than $11,000 a month now. Wow. It's like a sprawling apartment on the Upper West Side.

How do we go from here to here that quick? It's quite a jump. It just keeps going up. Well, I mean, you've got to think that was 50 years ago now. Sure, sure. And I think it wasn't, the Upper West Side wasn't the Upper West Side. I think it was nice, but it wasn't so gentrified. Yeah, I think there was a lot.

I mean, they kind of allude to that. I think it was a little spicier then. That's where you got to go. You're going to go spicy and let it blossom. But it's crazy because, oh, I had something. 11 grand. Oh, soon we're going to be like yen. Yeah.

Or lira, 50 million lira for a fucking rental with a little. key. That's going to be, soon it's going to be, hey, how much you're paying? Ah, $600 million a month. Yeah, that's like, back to the future, too, when he's like going and buy a Coke, here's a 50. Yes, yes. We're getting there. Whoa. A Coke is $450 now. Well, I remember when a Coke was, now he sounded like a couple of boomer quefs, but a Coke was, you put 25 cents and poop, Coke would fall out. Then I remember when it flipped to 50. That was a big deal. 25 cent Coke. Oh, yeah. And then you got a dollar Coke. Coke is a dollar even.

Okay, we'll deal with that. Then it was $1.25. Now I think a Coke's, what, 180? I mean, I don't know. I'm from Massachusetts. We never had no dollar coax. I mean, quarter coax. Oh.

Quarter Coke? Give it a goog there, Lexington. Quarter Coke. Quarter Coke. I bet it flipped in 1991. I don't know about a quarter Coke. A 50 cent Coke, maybe. I definitely remember putting quarters in the thing.

Maybe I think of a phone call. Phone call. A phone call. Dad, I remember a dime. A dime. A dime. A dime. A dime.

A dime. When a dime went from a dime to a quarter, I said, oh, that's what I started calling, 1,800 collect and say, collect call from pick me up at the school. Yes, we did that too. I remember the dime. What do you got here? Lexi, what do you got? He's got no microphone. Okay.

When did it go to 50? 50 cents. 50 cents. The 90s. Yeah, see, I feel like 50 cents was about right. But I was just talking about this the other day. Everything was like a buck when we were, even like when we were in our 20s. Candy bar, a buck, a Poland Springs, a buck.

Now a candy bar. Who was I just talking on the phone? I think it was Derek or somebody. Bought a candy bar that was like 260. 260 for a candy bar. A candy bar should be a single dollar bill. Same with the Poland Spring bottle. Single dollar.

That should be one dollar bill. Give me this. Yeah, buck naked. Now here's a thing I thought of and feel free to kick me in the balls here. I'd love to. Okay. So we got everybody's on Ozempick now. Like half the population of America's on OZemPEC.

Okay. Not me. Not me either. Lex, you're on OZempec? All right. You've taken a couple shots. But everybody's on OZepic. Shouldn't and it kills your appetite.

That's the whole thing. It suppresses your appetite so you're not hungry. So you eat less. So you lose weight. Okay. Should we have excess food? What do you mean? If everyone's eating less, should we be shipping?

Oh, give their food to the homeless. Yes. That's what I'm saying. third world country or something. You see, this is how you got to the top. Well, if people are eating less, I have friends on OZEPA. We go out to dinner, they're like, one bite, thank you, and I eat it all. But they're on OZIPIC.

So I'm like, well, look, all this food is being not consumed. So you must be ordering less, buying less from the grocery. When's the trickle down? Something D-O-O-O economics. Yes. Roodoo economics. Exactly. Well, but I'm going the homeless route.

You take all that food, you shove it in the homeless people's assholes. Yeah. Maybe they don't try to scare me so much. They're starving, or we just give them Oz Epic. Hmm. Well, then they won't be hungry. Yeah, that's not bad. They'll die. They'll die, but they'll die how comfortable.

Well, I've got to tell you, a few homeless people kick it off. Wouldn't be the worst situation. We had 13 die this winter. Thank you, Zoran. We appreciate that. Uncle Bob's out of my corner anymore. But 13, frozen solid. Is that right?

That is correct. Like Nicholson and the Shining. Lucky 13. 13 going on 30. Wow. Yeah. So that's just saying. If we're eating less, we should have more food laying around.

Yeah, it's a good point. It's a point. And I'll take it because I do cardio. So give me the food. Yeah. I eat the food and I'll go to the gym. Well, I'm getting a little chubby myself, but I'm not a Zepic fat. How about this?

Obesity is the number one killer in America. Make OZepic like a vaccine. Free. You can't say vaccine. These people don't care for that. What? Well, I'm just saying the vaccine was free. You can go get it whenever you want.

Make OZepic like that. But I think OZepic's not like a one-time deal. You've got to do it every week or something like that. What about the flu shot? Yeah, that's a once a year. That's once a season. Good point. Methadone Daily.

Yeah. That's a horrible newspaper. Very thin paper. Yeah, I don't know. But people that are against the show, we're getting less vaccines. So if you say OZepic is going to be a vaccine, that everyone will stop taking it. All right, all right. I didn't think about the political aspect.

It's so fascinating that everyone's like, fuck you with the vaccine. Osepec, I'll take it. I know, I know. That's how it shows what we really care about is our appearance and not our health. Right. Well, big is beautiful. What are you going to do? Yeah, I like big.

Apparently, you had quite a run in the 90s. Oh, my God, did I ever? I don't know if there was much running going on, but you know what I'm saying. Boy, I like to. eat that fat pussy too. I like to lift fat to go, you know. We'll be right back. All right. A little Adam Ray there.

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What are you doing? I don't know why we're dressed the same either. Oh, yeah. How about that? We're in the Tuesdays uniform. Let me see. Where have I been? What am I doing?

But who knows? I got a couple of doosies here. Well, I was in Atlantic City, A.C. Slater. Vegas with AIDS, I call it. Anderson Cooper. Yes. Atlantic City is a fascinating town. I'm about to, I'm going to find a book,

the definitive Atlantic City book, audiobook, and get in there. Because I know nothing about Atlantic City. Fix your hair up pretty and meet me tonight. in Atlantic City. Well, here they blew up the chicken man in Philly last night. So I went down there and you're driving down the Atlantic Highway, looking for a love getaway. I'm going down the highway and you're like, you start thinking like Atlantic City.

All of a sudden you're driving, there's nothing. It's grass, it's dirt, it's sand. And all of a sudden there's just this big, big little city on the water. It's like six inches off the water. And it came in like 79, the 80s. No, it's earlier than that. Pretty sure. That's what the guy told me that lives there.

Can we get a reading on that? You see all these old pictures with ladies with the big dresses eating taffy on the boardwalk in like 1908? Well, I think there was a town, but I think the casino gambling stuff. Oh, the gambling, yeah. Which is what we know Atlantic City as, right? I mean, Monopoly was way before. Exactly. Whatever.

But the Harris and whatever the fuck, Hard Rock and all that. And then Trump came in the airport. I think. When was the casino, did it become casino-y? Because it used to be an attraction. You know, you get the, it was like a Ferris wheel and a merry-go-out and the beach and you walk around and buy gifts and whatnot. But I think it was like a shore town not unlike Asbury Park and Belmar and Coney Island and all those places. And then it became this mobby alternative to Vegas. Yes.

The Vegas to the east. Yes, yes. I think that came after Vegas, right? May 26, 1978. It's the casino world. That's when the first casino went up. Because before that, I think it was wholesome. I think it was a little more wholesome, yeah.

And I think the mob came in. But it's just a interesting thing. Because Vegas, you have some idea of, you know, Sinatra, the Sands, and then Sam Rothsteed and those mobsters. Lodgeo. And then it built up and became a thing. And then it became Disneyland. Caesar's Palace.

All that stuff. So Atlantic City, I just know so little about. All we know. We only know the CD because it had a heyday. I think in the early 80s it was bumping. Yeah. And you had WrestleMania, four and five were there. Wow.

Wow. That's right. That's true. Okay. Yeah. See, I should check that out, I guess. It's fun show. I've heard it's good.

Bishemi's in there and Scorsese produced. Nick Nevicki's in it. I never watched it. I've never seen my friend in a show. I feel bad. You've seen billions. No, I never watched billions. I didn't either.

And it's funny because when I a friend in a commercial. I'm like, oh my God. Right. Look at them. And so does it in billions. I'm just like, ah. Well, a commercial. It's a nice, quick bagel bite. You know, it's a sound bite. You're in and out. A TV show, I got to get invested and watch the whole thing. It's 30 minutes for pressing. Well, and you're watching something you want to watch and the commercial pops up. Uh-huh. TV, you're like, I got to meet the characters and get into a world. Good point. So I'll watch it eventually. I watch the specials. That's something.

But AC is a real shitbox. Yeah, now it's a little hairy. But I did the Borgata before a couple years ago. And that hotel was, it was in a weird neighborhood. And the hotel wasn't great. This time I did Harris, which is a nicer hotel. Yeah. And a nice room.

The guy that runs it or manages it was a big fan of ours. Hey, Tuesday. He was really, he loves you. He loves Lewis and myself and you and the whole thing. Lewis. Anyways, it was a freezing day. It was like one of those eight-degree days. The heat into the showroom broken.

It was 57 degrees if it was a foot. Well, if you're there, there's no heat. So everybody's there. They got coats on and blanket. Look like a Gallagher show. Everyone had blankets over their head and tarps and shit. It's like Islam. And it was just, it was frigid, frigid air, but the show was amazing.

It was one of those things where we're all in this together. it's too cold, it's crazy. And of course, it's a comic you love it, because you keep calling back to it. Of course. I go, oh my God, my dick just fell off. My assholes frozen. I shit ice cream. My sister's cold. Whatever. Well, it's actually not a bad tactic because as a community, you want the crowd to be a unit. You hate when you're killing over here. This guy hates you. That guy's walking out. He's asleep. But this guy likes me. If you do some kind of, uh... Phobia. Well, if you do some kind of like fuck up, now the whole rule. in on it. If there's one leak, oh, we all talk about the leak. Now we're a unit.

It's actually kind of a cool idea to get a crowd together. Right. Well, that's funny because there was, maybe I've talked about this before. I'm all jacked up on caffeine. So, I remember when I was first started doing comedy when I was 18 years old. I was talking to this guy whose name, I forget, he was an older guy comic, veteran of the game. Janariario? January. Arianeuario. That's the one. No, no, not him. Different guy.

Okay. Doesn't matter. Even if I said his name, you wouldn't know who it was. I could just make it up. Got it. Steve Balloon Head. He's good. Big head.

His closer was amazing. It was similar to Howie Mandel's. I got popped. So, so anyways, he was telling me, I went and I saw Jeff Ross at comics come home, and Jeff Ross used to do poems. And he would say, hey, can we turn the lights down? And then nothing would change. And he'd go, perfect.

And it would kill. Oh, fun. And this guy was explaining to 18. year old me. He's like, well, all of comedy, you have to get people to come along with you. They've got to relate. It's all about relating. And a joke like that, 100% of the people experienced it. I love it. You don't have to do it like,

you ever take a shower and it's, you think it's hot and it's cold? Some people were like, I never had that happen. Or like, I was beaten as a kid. We were all beaten, right? And then half the crowd's like, we weren't. Right. Don't tell us what we were. We weren't. Right. So this one, if you say turn the lights down, no one turns the light down, you say, perfect.

The whole crowd just experienced it. That's great. Well, that's probably why crowd work can be weak, but it hits harder because we're all in it. Well, and it takes away the illusion of like, maybe he's rehearsed these things. Because that's what stand-up is about too. It feels like, oh, my God, is he just talking like this? Is he just making this up? Right.

But crowdwork, people think, oh. Wow. Did that read? Okay, great. He snuck out. Lou Reed. Yeah, and crowdwork. There's attention to it.

Hey, look at this fat fuck. Where are you from? Jersey? Okay. You know, you get that moment, that tension. And you get to pop it like balloonhead. The old Billy Balloonhead. What's his name?

Steve Balloon Head. Billy was his kid brother. Yeah, he'll pull some strings. But Andy Farts. So we did the show. It was awesome. But then we get there and it's one of these gigs. It's a casino.

So like security will meet you at the door. And you're like, okay, I guess. And you pull into the casino and they got like the two guys with the yellow things and the handcuffs and the radios and this thing. And you feel like kind of a jackass because you're like, you're like, I'm just a schmoshmuck. I'm not Elvis. No. They're just like following you.

One's behind you. One's in front of you. They're taking very seriously these guys. I know what you mean. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, great. It's like, we got the Eagles coming in. Popo, Troop.

And then I go past the VIP lot. Like, all these people are in line. And it's like Goodfellas where they're walking to the cabana. And they're like, why can't we get a table? I walk past everybody. Right. Get my thing. They walk us up.

We go to the room for like 45 minutes. because we're just killing time. They go, all right, we'll meet you outside the door at 7-10. This is like Secret Service, these guys. It really is. So I'm in there jerking off, emailing Epstein, and I can hear the security guys outside my door. You see like, yeah, we're outside the nest of the eagle. And I'm like, he's laying an egg.

I guess I'll go out there. So I opened the door. There's just two men with fucking things and guns. I'm like, hey, how's it going? Yeah, well, the funny thing is, too, I've had the same thing. and they come to your door and you walk, it feels like you're walking for nine days. You're going through every corridor.

It's like Star Wars. I'm going through the trash compactor and the no railing. You keep walking, keep on. And you see like a Mexican guy doing dishes. You see an old lady fluffing a pillow. And then you're like, should I make small talk? Right. So you go, how about this ice?

And they go, love it. You go, all right, or whatever it is. And it's, then you get the old elevator that has like a thing. They pull, the doors shut like that, not like that. It's a long run. Well, we had everything exactly that. The guy walked us through the whole casino and it's one of those things that's like, we'll give you $5 million to retrace your steps to get back to your room.

There's no way I would ever be able to do it. A thousand percent. We walked through every kitchen employees of the month. Yeah. And then behind the scenes of casinos is fascinating because you're in the casino. It's all blinkly and blankety and balloon-headed. And there's old chairs and dishes piled up. There's all kinds of shit back there.

You go in the back. It looks like Gaza. It's just a fucking peeling paint and rubble. Barney rubble, flintstones. You go through there. And then again, you make a small talk. What year did this? None of it doesn't matter to me.

Sure, sure. What's the deal with Atlantic City? More like Pacific Town. And the guy's like, well, man, we've come on some hard times now because the police, I don't want to get, one of these guys that says, I don't want to get political, but then just talks politics. Yeah, yeah. And I noticed he had a pin, American flag pin, of Trump with the fist.

There you go. In the thing. So, of course, I'm like, I love ice. I love the whole thing. You go with it. So we go all the way through. And then we're walking up. We're on like the 11th floor.

And, you know, I used to work loss prevention at Sears. So I'm no stranger to security. Sure. I like law and order. As we're walking, this guy comes around the corner and immediately I clock him because he's, you know. Black guy? Sure. I see.

And he's got, you know, paper. Owl shoes and he's got a fucking sports coat like Frankenstein. It's ripped. Oh, you're outside. No, no. We're in the 11th floor. We're in the hallway. He's got a Walmart bag, a pizza box, and he's walking like, you know, a zombie. And I'm like, we got a crow. We got a bogey. So, Jim Crow. So the guy, I'm like, this is weird. I'm like, he must be like an Uber drive. You try to give the minute of the doubt. You don't want to be an ass hand. So I'm like, huh because we're up at the VIP Harris the sweet section

yeah how do you get up there you need a key and he looks a little funky little funky town sure and this is not he looked like not homie the clown who was the other one you know the homeless guy yeah Tyrone biggums or whatever yeah scratch and sniff smells like me

remember that he scratched the thing and he smells his own fingers anyways oh we don't play that this home of the clown was the other guy the homeless guy would drink his own pee at a jar of pit Yeah. It was Damon Wayans, and it was before Dave Chappelle did the crack hit. Yes.

They were very similar. Yeah. What was his name? I'm interesting because then Chappelle hates Key and Peel because he's like, they stole my show. Oh. And I'm like, well, it's just a sketch show. It's a sketch show with a host. I don't really get it.

A black host, yeah. I never understood that. I never got that either. Yeah. He's like, that just took my show. Like, well, you took S&L. And in living color. In Live in Color and Fridays and SCTV.

Carol Burnett. Any farts. Anywho. We love you, Dave. Ooh, who, who, who. So I'm like, that's interesting. And then as soon as he walks by, the guy goes, Hey, we got a Billy Bogie bed.

And they go, oh, Billy Bogie bed's back? Oh, no. He's a known guy. He's been kicked out 11 times. He's like, that guy's been kicked out 11 times. He's like, I would have tased him and fucked him in the ass, but I got you guys. So I got my assignment, but they're on him. Whoa.

He's head to the East elevator. And I just hear like, Oh, my God, he's back. We got to get him. And he's like, he's always in that outfit. He's got, they got eight tickets from this casino, 11 from that casino. He's a bad ombre. He's whatever.

So that was fun. We got to see. So did they take him down? Do they apprehend the perp? Well, we had to keep going. But then the whole time we're in the elevator and doing the maze walk. We just keep hearing updates. Okay, he's in the cell tower.

I got him on camera. So I got to hear all the fun surveillance stuff. And then, of course, we got the political part. Like, we just give him another ticket. He never pays it. they don't arrest them. In the old days, they used to, you know, shoot you in the head with a fucking cattle prod and suck your dick and throw you in the ocean.

I think that's one of those cop things now. They get, unless it's a gun crime, they just let you out. Yeah. So Billy Big Boy or whatever his name is balloonhead is, uh, he's roaming the streets willy-nilly. So, but I don't think he's a, I think he's like a casino criminal. He, you know, steals decks of cards or something. I don't know.

Wow, that's crazy because a casino, they don't fuck around. I mean, you get caught counting cards or, or, or, right? and fences. They will, Don Rickles will take you out of there and put up your head in a vice. Let's say I want to go in to get one of the sandwiches I like. Yeah. But anyways, the gig was fucking awesome. You got to do that, really if you haven't

done it. Harris. I'm down. It's, uh, it's great. 1,200 seats. Wow, perfect. I love it. It's, uh, it was really nice. Matt Wayne came. The show was great. My manager came down, who he's great. And then I felt bad because he's like, I'm going gambling. I was like, I got to go home. Yeah. But it was well, bad news for Billy Biggie

because he, I think he died. He was one of the 13 out here. Possibly. I mean, that's what you think you'd do is put them on a bus and head him to the next beach town. That could be the problem. One of the big problems with AC is it's just seasonal. You get a boardwalk for three months or four months out of the year

and then you've got to just shut it down. Whereas Vegas is just 24-7, baby. It's a great point, but you can still go get, because I never thought of it because I like playing poker, but I'm like, I was there. And I'm like, I only lived two hours from here. I could go down if Sarah and the baby were out of town, which they never are.

But I'm like, I could take a two-hour car ride, play poker all day. In a real casino. Yeah. Not some fucking yonkers shit. Exactly. I don't know if there's a poker room anywhere closer, but I think they're building a casino in the city. I don't know. You think they're still look at those backroom poker rooms.

Those where you pull a head bust and a shelf opens up and there's some fucking Russian guy smoking with a bunch of Wall Street quefs back there. I think there's stuff like that. I know a guy who owns a place that has a legal card game in it. Oh, I think I know it too. Yeah, yeah. And Queens. Yeah. Yeah.

I went there once and there was a couple of fat Mexican ladies showing their tits. Oh, I'd like to see that. Yeah, well. Or I could ask the lady upstairs. I did a... Is it Mexican? Guy and he's. I did a weird gig.

I don't want to say what. But I left and I guess they had flipped the room. And these fat guys were playing poker and there was all these brown ladies behind them with their tits. And the guys would go, not bad. All right. I got a pair of three. over here, you know, whatever. And that was the game.

Wow. By the way, speaking of which, remember at the Skag Fest, there was one of your sales reps from... Bodega. Bodega. Sorry, space. She came and rubbed her tits on my head. Is that right?

I believe that's right. No, that was just a random lady. They put stickers on. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know her. Oh, because she came up at the stand and was like, hey, nice to see it. I'm the Tith lady.

I saw it. She was clothed that I was. was like, who are you? It's a very awkward situation. Yeah. To have a lady come out with tits and stickers and shake them and go, hey, here's some bodega cat. Yeah. Of course, you get a hard on for the whole pod.

And then you're in skank mode. So I got a cowboy hat on. I'm on blow or a boner. It's just standing on the table. I'm whipping fucking whiskey, I'm pouring whiskey to people's mouths. Yes, yes. And then you're at the stand at work with, you know, jeans and a tie on. This lady's like, remember me?

I put my tits in your face. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, bitch, my family's here. Are you crazy? I saw her there too. And it's weird because, yeah, this is why my rep is good. He saw this blonde lady with her tits out and he goes, hang on, Coochie. And he puts two bodega stickers right over her nips and shoves her out on camera.

We sold 20 bottles off that. So the rep is good and she was great. But then you see her in broad daylight and you go, ah, the mark of the beast. Yeah, it was weird. And I didn't recognize it because I didn't look at her face at any point. But it worked me, too. I bought a six-pack. I have a poster of you and Sam above my bed.

It's crazy. That put us in the black. The red? Red's bad. Red's good. No, black is bad. Red is good. I don't know.

We're in the red. One's a black guy and one's an Indian. Reds bad. We're in the red. We're in the red. In the black is good. Okay. Got it.

What's even? Even is no color. I don't see color. Yeah. All right. Well, let me throw this at you. Please take over. I'm tired.

So I'm at the stress. factory this last weekend. What? Yeah, yeah, that's Vinny. He's deaf. Great guy. Great club. Love Vinny. But here's the thing. You go, hey, no flight, sleep my own bed every night. We drive in hour drive, 45 minutes on some days. This is going to be a cakewalk. Yeah. Every day, we got stuck in traffic. I had to go up to Queens to get my opener. He would drive us over there. So that takes... He would drop me off a night. He would drop me off at night. like that's the rule. Okay. Or that's the deal. All right.

So, because for him to come here would be a whole other thing and then we got to leave from here as a whole, it makes it worse. So leaving from Queens, you get the RFK, you're right in Jersey. I suppose. I don't want you know what you can tell you. From here, you take the Verrazada, your south, your further south.

This is much, stress factory is south of here. That's true. Queens is north of here. Well, he's got the car, so I wanted to, I bent to him. All right. Bet the knee. We love you, Raj. Gaperna. Well, he loves you.

I'm so, so. Okay. So, uh, garage. So we go out there. That's good. We go out there. And, uh, every day, it's like, okay, it's 5.5.40. We'll, we'll get there at an hour.

We'll be there at 6.40. You can have a cupcake, uh, look at your notes and have a jerk. And then you go, yeah, that ETA is really climbing, huh? Now it's 608. And then it says, oh, we'll get there at 6. It's 6. All right. We're still there early.

now you're getting there at 704 or now you're getting there at 707. And then now you, once you hit 710, you've got to call. Yep. You got to go, hey, Patty, we're going to be a little late. She goes, it's fine, we'll put Vinny on. He'll do an hour and a half. Then Rob's will go on and do 30.

Then you do 10. Okay, great. So every night was stressful. It is the stress factory. Every night you're like, we're barely going to make it. Then you pull in. So how about this?

First night we pull in is that weird driveway in the front that all the people walk up. Yeah. I just said, pull in here, put the car in park, we're running in. So he goes, all right, we put the car in there. We get out. He's grabbing his camera out of the trunk, and some lady walks by and goes, you can't park there.

Don't you hate this woman? Yeah. You don't know what the situation is. We're comedians. We're on the show. Yeah. I'm the headliner. We're going in.

Damn right. Also, all we're going to do is park the car there, go in, say hello. Then Raj is going to do a set. He comes out and he moves the car. So I just hate that lady. And she just irked me all night. You can't park there. Yeah.

Like we don't know you can't park there. Thanks a lot, Karen. Yeah. Caring and Sherry. Yeah. You wish. So we do the shows. Shows are all great.

Little towny. They're a little rowdy out there. They'll give me the what for. Yeah. Yeah. They're that kind of crowd. They're just like, prove it. You're funny.

Earn it. There's no grace or leeway. You just got to like bang it out. You can't think you. your foot off the gas in that room. Now, did you get Victorias? Who's that? That's Vinny's wife that owns the Italian restaurant next door.

I got a chicken barcel. And I got a chicken noodle soup. And it was lunch. Double chicken. Oh, yeah. Rod's got the salmon. Good times. So then we're going back there on Friday.

Now, this is where I spas. I'm a pretty even keel, happy-go-lucky guy. But there's one thing that will fucking make me go into full dad mode and have a meltdown. Tell me about it. So we're back on track. Salacuse goes, Oh, boy. I'd love to come along with you guys.

Oh, God. I'm lonely. And I found the last poo-poo platter in America. This is Salacus. This is the most Salacuse thing. Exactly. He goes, look at this Instagram. It's an Asian guy with a seafood tower full egg rolls and the top of it's on fire.

And he goes, this was a staple in America. It was a huge fad. And they all closed. Is that right? This is the last one in Lynnhurst, New Jersey. Wow. So I figure with my dumb head, I go, oh, stress factories in New Jersey, poop-poo platters in New Jersey.

Sure. Should be pretty close. Can't miss. It's a whole state. Yeah. So this time I go, all right, well, Thursday was a shit show. We barely made the show. This time we're leaving early.

And Salakuse goes, why don't we leave from my house? And Raj goes, well, that's going to cut us into Midtown. Then we're going to have to leave to the Lincoln Tunnel on Friday at rush hour. it's going to be hell. And Salcus goes, let's leave from my house. So we leave from Midtown. He's a guest. I know. So poor Raj, he's like,

all right, I'll be there at 5.30. All right, I'll be there at 580. I'll be there at 620. Like, it just kept going up because he's just inching from Queens to Midtown. Right. I don't want to get too into the logistics. No, no, it's horrible.

We finally get out there. It's giving me anxiety. It's giving me anger, actually. Not anxiety, anger. Poor Rock pulls up on 11th Ave or whatever it is. We jump in. Salis uses a giant bag, the size of Gibraltar in Greenland. We get out there and we got to hit the poo. Yeah, he got some poo.

So now we go all the way to Lynnhurst, New Jersey, and we have our poo platter. The waiter's very nice. He's super Asian. The place has been there since the 50s. It's owned by the same guy. He's on his deathbed. It's a teaky place with drinks and waterfall and all this stuff. Give it a gook.

It's called something Hawaiian. Joe's Hawaiian or Bob's Hawaiian Joe and Bob It's not like You know these Asians They change the first name That's why you meet a guy named Ken Huang Right

You know it's like Mike Nguyen You know They get the first name in Right So we get there What is it? Lees Hawaiian

Lees Hawaiian Not Bob not Joe Lees We get the poopoo platter I remember they go Well you want anything to drink Thick thick Asian accent And Salakis goes

You got Coke Zero Oh no no no no. And he's one of these guys who doesn't understand anything. So he just says yes. You know, you go, uh, how's the, how's the poop-poo platter? He goes, yes, yes. We go, is it good? Yes, yes. What comes on it? Yes, yes. We go, we'll take it. So we get the poop platter, whatever, a couple drinks. We hightail it. And I look at the ETA. We're going to make it for 658. All is right in the world. All right. Please, Hawaii. Here we go. We're hooting and and howl. We're just laughing our heads off in the car like a bunch of school girls.

Raj goes, uh, I missed an exit. And I look at that ETA, recalculating, rerouting, 725. Oh, it's the worst feeling in the world. The worst feeling. And you want to go, just go in reverse. I can't handle it, you know, because those exits, they're every four hours. So Salacuse, like being the crazy guy he is, goes, up there. There's a break.

There's a break in the highway. Oh, he sucks. Salcus sucks. What are you doing? For emergencies. You die. For cops. So we're going 80.

and a Tesla, and he's like, there's a break up there. I know it, I know it. So I'm so desperate. I go, take the break. Take the break. What are you doing? So Raj goes, we flip over eight cars. You know, we got three lanes cut over.

He puts the hazards on. And Raj's like, he's like a little Indian guy. So he's like, oh, God, are you sure this is okay? Thank you. Come again. And we take the break. Four wheelers are coming. 18 wheelers are coming.

Watch up with the four wheelers. What are you doing? you know, we're like, ah, it's like plane's trains. We get off on this thing. We're off the highway. Now we're on the service road. Same exits. Same exact exits is the highway.

So we still had to go the old 20. We go all the way back. I'm texting Vinny. He's like, what are you doing? You're killing me? I'm like, I know. He goes up, does an hour. We walk into Vinny's shitting on me.

He's on stage killing going, this fucking guy's a diva. His whiskey sucks. His podcast sucks. His partner's on. ugly, whatever it is. He's trashed us. And I come in and I go, hey, the crowd's going nuts. Whatever. I tell Raj you're doing four seconds. I go right up. Four seconds. Yeah, he walked on stage. I lit him. And we got the hell out of it. That was Friday.

So it was a stressful weekend. Now, Friday night, we get home. Did Salukes film at least or something? I think it took a photo. Does he know how to film? What's he doing? Raj even said, all right, I'm going out there, Salcus. Can you push record? and Salacus said, couldn't find the button and also I knocked the camera over. Well, this is the same man, by the way, Matt Salacuse, our boy, we love you.

We love you, Sally. This is the same guy that I bought a $5,000 camera for myself. He doesn't own a camera this guy. So he borrows my camera. He's like, can I borrow it? He's the first one to open it. He cut the cellophane off the fucking thing. Opens the camera.

Oh, the jimble. Takes it. Yeah, the gimbled jimble. Brian Gumble. He takes it. And then he texts me and goes, Hey, could you meet me at the stand so I can give you the camera? I go, what are you talking about?

I live in Battery Park City. He goes, I'm going to leave it at the stand. I got some things to do. So I never got it back. What? I mean, I got it back because he went and got it. I was like, you got to go get it for me. He's like, I'll just drop it at this place.

That's good stuff. He's a nut case. He's a nut. We had to get the poop poop platter. We had to get the Lees Hawaiian. Whatever. We had some good laughs on the way. Now we're driving home.

We've got to drop Salakues off right at his doorstep. You know, white glove service. I get home at 3 a.m. I get a text from my mechanic. Now, this is a whole other bag of hammers. So buckle up, because this is a whole other tangent. Remember months ago, my car broke down on the New Jersey Turnpike and I had to leave it at a guy's house that I didn't know who picked me up

and I had dinner with his family? Vaguely. Yes. Well, it was a big to do. So then, remember the guy? I had dinner with his whole family and I leave his house and he goes, comedy. He was a fan the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

That guy. Great guy's a sweet angel of a man. I forgot his name. Angel. Yes. Angel Salazar. So I get my mechanic who put the beamer together back in the day. And he goes, I'll go pick up your car. My shop is in Philly.

I'll bring it to Philly. I'll fix your car. I remember that. When do you want to come get it? And I go, well, I'm a lazy cut. I'll pay you to drive it to the stress factory, which is not that far from Philly, maybe an hour. I'll buy your drinks. I'll get your free tickets.

You'll have a fun show. And then I'll drive it home. and he goes, all right, that sounds like a nice night. So he brings a friend. We get him great seats, hot show. I meet him after. And he goes, just want to let you give you a couple things here. And Raj's like, we got to go.

We got to go. Let's get the hell out of here. And I'm like, hold on. This guy goes, okay, your gas cap is frozen. This is a summer car. I drove it here. I'm a professional driver. I do track laps, all this shit.

He's like, this thing was a bitch to get here in the winter. This is a summertime car. I had to feather the throttle the whole time. It barely starts. Every red light, you got to rev it. You got to put it neutral. You got to, like, ride the wave on this thing. Also, your gap cast is...

Gas cap is frozen. So you can't put gas in it right now unless you have a heater and you just blow it on the gas cap. So I put enough gas in it for you to get home and that's it. So how did he get the gas cap up? Oh, he had done it before. Yeah, he's a mechanic.

He's got all these heater, tools, shop vac, you, David. Gadgets. Thank you. Inspector. So he goes, all right, tomorrow, I go, I'm going to drive it home tomorrow. I've been drinking. And he goes, all right, I'll leave it in the garage. So he leaves it in the garage.

And he goes, just remember, you got enough gas to get home. Gas cap is frozen, feather the throttle. Meanwhile, I have no registration, no insurance. I'm riding dirty. Now, what the fuck is feather the throttle? That's like tap it? Just don't let it die. You know, keep it idling.

I see. Keep it idling heavy. because that thing will just turn off. It's too cold for that little quief of a car. So I go, all right, next night comes around. We have a great two shows. Vinny won't let you leave. He talks your ear off.

You've got to tip everybody. You've got to take a photo with the staff. Finally, I go, here it is. We're doing the car. We're driving at home. It's already 1 a.m. I've been drinking all night. So now I'm drunk.

I have no insurance, no registration. The gas cap is frozen. The car's in a garage, and you've got to feather the throttle. So I go up, drunk, I look at that car, I say, it's me and you, Fannie, we're doing it, let's go, there's no one on the road, it's icy cold outside, I get it, I'm freezing. I brought a blanket, gloves, and a thermos of hot chocolate. Because I knew with the excursion, there's no heat. Does the heat even work in this guy? No heat.

I forgot to mention that. There's no heat. No heat. It's like your casino show. No heat. Wonder why Christmas missed us. Birthdays was the worst days. Now we sip champagne when we're Thursday.

So I get in the cook. and the guy goes, you're going to have to run it for like 10, 15 minutes just to get it heated up. It's like a late night set. You got to run it. So I get it. I'm the only guy in the garage. It's one in the morning, garage Balani. And I just get, oh boy.

And Raj is gone. He went home. Okay, feather, feather. Bo, wow, wow, wow. Big poof of black smoke. It finally starts up. But I go, okay, here we go. Oh, the people black smoke was good?

Well, it just kicked it off. Oh, I see. Cooking. Okay. So I think I had a dead cat in there. I don't know what it was, but I finally pull out. And now I'm at the beep beep. I'm trying to get the arm to go up.

Gotcha. While feathering. So I'm feathering. I'm trying to beep beep. And it's going, credit card not accepted. I go, come on, you motherfucker. Oh, that's the worst feeling. The worst.

When the garage thing won't open. Forget it. I always want to fucking sit on it with my fat ass and break it. I know. I get cards. I'm tapping. Please insert card. Do not pull out card.

Now pull out card. Credit card not found. Credit card not accepted. I'm like, black smoke's everywhere I'm hyperventilating trying to get this thing so finally I pull out a card from 1988 it's a diners club I got

that to work the arm opens and I'm on the highway I'm out there and now I'm shivering my hands are frozen to this fucking steering wheel I have no power steering no heat no insurance no representation so I'm just barreling down the highway

and this little tin can it doesn't really go that fast Also, my needles are doing this shit. They're going full Parkinson's. Needles, like from back to the future. Yes, needle park because the gauges are all old. And I'm just... And just cars are...

They're looking at the... You know, when they drive by and they go, what the fuck is wrong? Of course, yeah. They're doing that thing. I do that all day. I'm like, oh, yes, yes, yes, big coat. And I just keep barreling, barreling. It dies.

I'm on the turnpike drunk in two in the morning, just sitting there in a freezing cold. tuna can. The car's just sitting there and I can't hit it. I can't hit it. So I'm going, please God Allah, Scientology, herpes, whatever it is. Feather, feather, here we go.

Dot not feather, Raj. Oh my God. Finally, after like 20 minutes, I get it started. And I just go, ooh, and I push the whole thing down to the metal. I pop it in the first, and I just peel up. So then a cop pulls up.

So I go, well, this is it. Hey, you're never going to see me again. I mean, no insurance plus the vodka, plus the whiskey. Now he's behind you? Well, a cop pulls out in front of me, lights on. Like, pulls out in front, like stop behind me. Uh-huh. So I go, fuck, what am I going to do?

I got no seatbelts in this thing. This thing ain't street legal. No. So cop, wow, wow, wow, wow. Like the full brigade, you know, like the flashies, the rollers, everything. Yeah, all that shit. And I go, and he comes through from the other side like that. And he.

In the brakes. in the break. So he flips through and he's in front of me now, like right in front of me. And he's looking in the rear view. And I'm going, trying to look normal. I'm like, hello, captain. How you doing? Top of the morning to you.

And he goes and just peels off. Oh, thank God. I don't know what that was about, but it was great. He was an inch of hit in front of me. So then I just say, all right, I got to get home. I just keep going. It's a 45 minute drive. Probably took me, I don't know, two and a half hours.

Got home. Pull into the garage right over here. Thank Jesus. It's three in the morning. Go to the garage. I have a ticket for that car or a card. Boop. Card not found. So I'm like, ah! So I have to stop the car. I go up to the gate guy, the booth.

And he goes, yeah, we're having a problem with the system. So I'll open it. You pull it in. I go, thank you. I pull it in. There's smoke all in the garage now. The whole place is ruined. It looks like Cheats and Chong. I get out of that car.

I slam the door. twirl the key, went home, the wife goes, what happened? I go, not a thing, go to bed. So it's in there? It's in there. I got it. So what do you do? You just leave it in there until the summer? Yeah, I think so.

Get a car. I want you to get a car. I'm going to let that gas cap melt a little. Yeah, you got to. I can't get gas in it. Well, I got up to 31 yesterday, so it should be all frozen. That is fucking crazy. Crazy.

That car. I mean, having a classic car. New York is a, the kid is easier. Right. Well, I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I've been telling you for years, get a Honda Fit or a Chevy Spark or my sister's ass. I mean, you could go buy it with a half a gig. Well, you're, your centra's on ice, isn't it? Well, so I got to update the people.

By the way, how long are we in here? Because I want to make sure we have. Oh, 52. Okay, perfect. So I want to update everybody on my vehicle. Please. So you remember a few weeks ago, months ago, I don't know when the fuck it was. My Subaru.

not Subaru, Nissan Centura. Subaru is the next car I'm getting. I'm going to get a lesbian car. A Lesbaru. That's a good car. Honey Boo Boo. Well, I might buy one soon because my car,

I drive the Nissan Central. As you remember, I'll just refresh you. I drive it all the way up to New York. Me, Sarah, the baby, it's New Year's Eve. We go up. Car's running fine. My dad goes, this is my love language. He doesn't say this.

He just does it. He's like, I'll go vacuum the car and whatever the fuck he does. I don't know what the hell he does out there. He hates the family, so he just goes outside. Sure, sure. He's fixing door knob. and putting up basketball hoops and trimming the tree because he hates everybody. I get it.

So he's out there doing whatever. And he comes back in, he goes, how long's your check engine light been on? I go, it's never been on. I don't know what you're talking about. He goes, well, it's on now. Then he does the test. He puts the electronic thing in it. Oh, he's got one of those?

Oh, he's got everything. That's big. He's a mechanic. Oh, I didn't know he's a mechanic. Well, he's an amateur mechanic, but he can fix the stuff. So he's like, we've got to take this to the vet or whatever. Takes it to Subaru. They're like, you need a new transmission.

It's going to be seven grand. and a christen your kid for 7,000. So that's all just on the previous episode. It's all pipes. So eventually I had to rent a car. I rented the A5, whatever the fuck it was called. Audi. Audi, which was wonderful.

Not on any. I got 750 messages like, don't buy an Audi. Audi suck. They break down. Is that right? Which is fascinating to me. Because everywhere I walk around my neighborhood, everyone's driving outies. Rich people.

So I'm like, someone has an Audi. Yeah, a lot of people. Lewis had one. Yeah, these people's lives all. destroyed because they suck. I don't get it. Yeah, yeah. But anyways, I'm not buying an Audi anyways. But sometimes we say things on here.

I'm like, I'm buying an Audi. Everyone's like, you can't buy an Audi. I'm like, I'm not going to buy an Audi. It's a $60,000 car. I'm not buying a car. Anyways, so I leave the car up there. My father texts goes, great news because they were giving them the runaround as they do. They're like, Subaru,

fucking, whatever it's called. Nissan is paying for the transmission. Wow. Because my car only had 55,000. miles on it. Hey, trainee fluid. I bought it five years ago. I never drive the fucking thing. It's all highway miles.

And they've been, whatever, sued and recall because they're transmissions. Redacted. So they're like, we'll cover it. So I'm like, great. The problem is it's not going to be ready until Tuesday. I'm back here. I'm working here. I live here.

Yeah. Well, can you get the, I bet you, if you do some smooth talking, you get the rentals covered. Because you got the rental because the trans is out. Maybe. I think you get the rentals covered. If you get a guy on. the phone, a real man. Maybe that's, that's, that's not bad.

Get pooch on the phone. He will, black woman. Oh, black woman. You'll get a free car. I got to meet a black woman, though. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah, they're tough to come by.

Well, you know, Bobby Binkobleoba. What's the AC guy? Call him. Well, anyways, so the car is now paid for, but my car is just living up in Massachusetts. So I got to get it back at some point. And then you don't think, because here's the thing about New York City living.

car just lives in a garage. It's not in my driveway. I don't walk by it every night. I don't drive it to Wendy's. I don't see it. It's just in my garage. So I forget that my car is not in the garage. Sure. Because usually I live my life, I'll go 12 days without driving. I know it's safe and secure in the garage. I'll go get it. Of course. So, you know, you're not thinking a gig comes up. I'm in Long Beach. I'm doing Ryan Reese's gig. Great gig. I go, all right, I'll drive out to Long Beach. Wait a second. My car is in Massachusetts. Bless your mother. I got to rent a car again.

So I had to go rent a car to go to Long Beach. And then I was doing a gig in Atlantic City. Right. So I was like, I need a car for Wednesday night. I need a car Saturday night. You've lost two car opportunities. Yes. So I'm like, I guess I'll rent a car, but I'm like, I don't want to rent a car,

return a car, then re-rent a car. Right. So I just rent it for five days. Ah, that's not cheap. No, it's like $400. And then I'm not driving Thursday or Friday. So for Thursday and Friday, I'm housing for a car. They will cover this.

This is on Nissan and Subaru. The car's just sitting there. So now I'm just eating. So then I'm like, should we go on a day trip? Should I drive to New Jersey for fun? Should I get a poo platter? Should I get a pee platter? Get the money's worth.

So I'm like, where are we going to go? But then I'm like, I have a podcast. I have this. I have that. I have the other thing. The car seat, whatever. So I'm just paying for a car to sit in a garage that I'm paying for. Right.

Well, this has been a hell of an episode. Ah, this has been one hell of a podcast. party. Yeah. He took. It took. It out. I mentioned the bisque.

Anyways. Oh, let me plug this thing. Plug it up in my ass. This plug comes to the PSA. We finally released Lex's favorite podcast of all time. Two girls, one cuck. Oh.

We've recorded this podcast, me, Karen, and Sarah. When I first moved down there, we started recording the podcast. And then I realized, I can't keep this up. Not to mention the two women they gang up when you got two bitches just trashing you. Sounds hot. And you're like,

all right, enough of this. Plus, I thought we're going to have a threesome that ever happened. But anyways, we finally released

it's five hours video, audio podcast. It's on punchup. It's six bucks if you want it. If you don't want it, I don't give a shit.

You don't have to buy it. You don't have to tell me. You don't want it. I got 50 people, you piece of shit, you motherfucking Jew, fuck. And I'm like,

the paywall you mean? Yes. And I'm like, guys, I put out one guy Paul, he's like, you're right, I'm sorry, you're totally right. He's like, you run ads on this, you fuck face. I'm like, there's no ads.

That would be crazy. Wow. Awesome. I'm like, you and I put out an hour podcast for free, once a week for 13 years. Yes. Clips. There's four specials. There's a million Joe List does fucking crowd.

Joe List sucks his own day. Every single thing I do is free except for my live show. And the pod. And this five episodes of Karen Sarah and I talking. talking trash. This is where Alan would go, but they want it. You got to look at it that way. They want to hear it.

They just don't want to pay, but they want it. They like you. That's very nice, but it's got six bucks. Yes. And by the way, a beer is eight bucks. Good point. A fucking cup of tea in New York City. It is four bucks.

Six bucks. Yeah. You own it forever. Yes. Anyways, it's very funny. Check it out. And a couple hundred people have bought it. I got all these people will be like, no one's going to buy this fucking thing.

I'm like, well, tell that to the 230 people that bought it the first day. Anyways, I got that going on. Check it out. Two girls, one cock, on Punch Up. And where the fuck am I? San Francisco this weekend. That thing is selling like hotcakes. I think the late shows have some tickets available.

I got Virginia Beach at the end of this month. I've got... I suck. I can never remember my goddamn dates. Virginia Beach. You're doing Cobbs, right? Not a punch. I'm doing cobs.

Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. What else am I doing? Fuck. I got Ohio coming up. Toledo, Columbus. I think Dayton maybe. Levitown, Long Island is coming up. Why am I fucking spacing? Dublin. London. Pelfast. We're adding Bristol. Whoa. Great town. Glasgow. Glasgow, Dublin, Bristol, the whole UK. Go check that out. You gay. And that's enough. I don't know. Fuck it. I can't remember my goddamn date. San Antonio. San Antonio is a big one. No one. No one. knows about that one. Hell yeah.

Thank you. All right. I'm in Tulsa. Never been there to perform in my entire life. Oh, wow. I'm kind of pumped. I hear it's a good club. It's the Bricktown folk.

Very pumped. Then I'm going to Arizona. Oh, I did that Tulsa Club. Oh, really? Yeah. Flagstaff, Indianapolis, Buffalo, Portland, Maine, Lexington, Kentucky. Love that room.

Fort Lauderdale. And Raleigh. Spokane and Philly Helium and Milwaukee. So a lot of fun dates. Get some bodega cat. Get on the Patreon. We're about to do a bonus. It's always a hoot and a holler.

Best Patreon going, folks. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. That's where we really get spicy. We really get gay. It gets nasty in there. Yeah, it's offensive, irreverent. We say language.

We say language. I'll just say that. Language. Yes. So we'll see in hell. Thanks for listening. Praise I'll like, weave it up.