Tuesdays with Stories! - #643 Mail Manager

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

We're talking Joe and Friends' new Epstein comedy special! Mark heads to Texas and escapes Jack Frost! Plus, the guys have a few friends that are squaring up and scrapping, and baby List is jumping in the pool! It's Tuesdays!  - Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15 - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/TUESDAYS - Same night out - way better morning with Cheers. For a limited time, Tuesdays with Stories fans are getting 20% off their entire order by using code TUESDAYS at http://CheersHealth.com #Cheers #ad

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. We're back, baby. Hey, you got the Mel Brooks. We're always back. Oh, yeah. There's all these shoe companies I've never heard of to pop it up. Like, what's that one with on air? It's like an A or a D.

Oh, On. It's O.N. Is it O.N? It is O.N. I thought it was OU. I thought it was DQ. Dere Queen. Disqualified.

Yeah, those Ons are huge. The big, big one now is who. Huka. Hoka. Hoka. Hoka. Hoka. Hoka. Hoka is the biggest shoe. It is just one day. One day. And it's like a big, big pillow. It's like a big yoga mat they're standing on. Well, look at this thing. You can't get any smaller than this. And this is the smallest you can find. Oh, I see what you're saying. Like thickness, thinness. Yeah, well, we all comfort. I don't know, what it said, 2026, 24. No one wears a suit now. Have you noticed that? It's not 24. It's 20-20, I think.

Maybe it's 20-20. Because everyone started working in pajamas at home. Yes. Well, basketball coaches. It was a suit for 50 years. And then during COVID, it was like, we're all wearing socks because of some kid died or something. And now it's all warm-up pants. Everybody dresses like Maduro on the plane, you know, at the warm-up. Right. It looks like, yeah, the cast of Goodwill hunting at the basketball game. And even flights. Every flight now is a crock, a flip-flop, a tank top, and a jupeop.

But hey, I'm no better. I mean, I'm wearing warm-up pants every day. But, you know, I got a child. I got to go to work. Yeah, you're a comedian. And I'm going straight to the gym from here. You've got to squeeze it all in. Yes, yes, one-stop shop.

But even Wall Street, you go to Wall Street. There's no tie, all the shoes. People need to wear black hard shoes. Black hard shoe. Now it's like those, it's kind of a fake dress shoe where they're soft at the bottom. They got like a spongy soul. I see some dress shoe because I'm in it. I'm over there in the fine.

I'm right in it. You do see some fancy shoes, a lot of goot cheese, a lot of goat cheese. But these women, I love, this is my number one all-time fetish thing now. Okay. Business attire, Jerry. Business attire is exciting. Shoulder pads, a suit jacket, a Gucci, a tight pant, a high waist, a thin, that petite zipper. Oh, Hillary Clinton is your number one.

I mean, just give it to me now. Give me that. And this girl, you've got to come over to the mall sometime and walk around here. Well, there's something about a lady in a suit because you're like, all right, this lady can, she can do some stuff. She can type and walk to work because she has a couple bucks. She's got some pep or step. She's not like, oh, I'm a damsel. I can't drive.

No, these are serious women. Some have skirts and the tights and the chunky shoe. Very exciting. Let me run something by you. This might be a little bit. I hope you like a chunky person. us her. We got Rupert on the ones and twos, baby.

Rupert, we love you. Don't worry, I reinforce that chair. You look great. We look great compared to you. But what do you think of this? This might be a little bit controversial, and I am trying not to be, I like to be politically correct, as you know.

You're talking to Zepic. So we go down to the dent. My dentist is in a store. We took Marty for his first dentist's appointment. He's very excited about it, which... You've got to hike all the way up there for that puppy? Well, I got a dentist

down the street when I lived in a story and I finally fell in love with them and it's all bilingual Spanish bitches it's all what's the opposite

of Ombre? Yeah, what's the opposite of Ombre? Madre? That's mom. Mama, she's a hot mama. Chikas. That's because Chico's boy,

Chica is girl. Yes, yes. Chica. But Ombre is a dude. Ombre's good. That's a good word. Ombre. It's a,

Bad Umbres. Yeah, exactly. What's an ombra? Umbra is what Rupert wears. No, no, but Ombre is. But what's the opposite? What's the lady Ombre? It doesn't have one.

Come on. So what's a woman in Spanish? Pekena? What's dude for a woman? Dudeette, but nobody says that. Right. So we've got our stuff. But what do you call an adult woman?

Chiquita. I'm sorry. M-U-J-E-R, Mujer? Mujer. Mujer. Mou-H. Mujar. Mujar Jadine.

He's good. Muhar, huh? Well, a couple of muhars down there. But they're all Spanish women, Latina women, and I love my Latinas. Sure. And now when I was on the search for a new manager, people kept telling me, Luke Monas and other people said, you need a woman. Right. Because women are organized.

Very organized. Like crime. But this office, there's no men whatsoever. zero men. Whoa. They're always behind 20 minutes. The appointment's 30 minutes late. 20 minutes late.

They didn't even know Marty was cut. They're like, he's had an appointment too. I'm like, yes, we both have an appointment. What is this? They're like, are you better fill out this paperwork. We'd already been there for an hour. Everything's way behind. They need a man around.

I think you need a man. Maybe one to crack the whip. You need an ombre to go, hey, bitches. Why are we fucking 40 minutes behind over here? Keep it moving, Muhar. You need someone to slap their tits, grab them by the pussy, and shove a thumb in their ass to check the oil. They need a trump over there.

small. I couldn't do the voice. I tried to do the voice. Best dentist. Beautiful dentist. I've got to clean your teeth. Your teeth will be so you'll be so tired of clean teeth. Hey, beautiful teeth. White teeth. White only teeth. Yeah. Make teeth great again. But anyways, so I think you need a dude somewhere in the operation. Sounds like it. Just put them in the top office. They need to somebody to be scared of. Right. By the way, I have all male managers, mailman. Jurs. Mine's a lady.

I like my men. Sure. But I got a man with long hair and pink glasses, so he's a little lady-like. Long hair and pink glasses. Yeah, you know, Adam? No. I think you'd know if you met him. Long-haired pink glasses. I feel like I'd... What is he, Elton John?

Well, they're... Elton's got short hair. That's true. They got pink, their sunglasses. He's cool. Pink, sunglasses. I think they're rosy. With long hair. Get real. Oh, I got to see this cat.

He's cool in the game. All right, all right. Well, he's Hollywood. He's L.A. He's an artist. I get it. He's got to be a little funky. He's in New York. He's from Ohio.

He's from Cleveland. Oh, what? Cleveland. Oh, you're just trying to get back there. I'm trying hard. I'm like, hey, maybe I'll come to your house for Christmas. Sure. What are you going to do?

But anyways, he's first class. They're kicking ass. Where you been? How you doing? We got Rupert. It's funny you bring up, we got tits. It's funny you bring up the lady office because when we got the baby out, what do you call that? Birth. We did the birthing. It was all women. And one guy came in to, like, check her temperature. He put a baster at her clam or something. But he was the big gay. So it was all ladies. A lady at the desk, lady doctor, lady parts. Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga.

But the one guy there was a big flaming homosexual. Flaymagnan. Yeah. So I was like, oh, here comes a guy. And he was like, oh, my God. that baby's cute. And I was like, oh, okay, how about that? Which is it. It's like male cheerleaders. It seems gay to be doing it, but you're seeing pussy all the time. Oh, it's a good point.

They throw those girls up. You see all kinds of labia. Oh, yeah, they're just holding them like this, and they're strong. But same with delivering the baby, but you're seeing like an obliterated pussy with a big head in it. Yeah, that's true. Although she did a C-Sex, so the Vigai was ship-shaped. Same over here. By the way, our dear friend, my dear friend, your associate.

Ron on Hirshberg Daddy It just happened three hours ago As we record How about that? Mazel Toff He's a dad And a dip shit right off the bed

Just sends me a photo Just no description I'm like How about a name? Are you okay? Is she okay? Give me something Throw a name out there

Did he critique it like a movie? This baby's not great Not a lot of character development Needs an arc, no ending He's like I really didn't connect with this baby at all I didn't pay off. It wasn't aware of itself.

The writing's terrible. But anyways, he's got... Oh, I just hit my elbow. Oh, that's the worst. The funny bone. Good club. Yeah, I'll be there in Omaha. Yeah.

Wow. All right, Ronnie. That's exciting. He's a dad. How about that? Six million and one Jews. How do you like me now? Well, wait, no, there's 16 million Jews.

I keep a tally. Oh, good. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? They're very... The tally ban. They're very... minority. Oh, they're

minoritized. Yeah, there's not a ton of them. But they make a splash. You know, they're all, you got Epstein, you got Weinstein, you got Woody Allen. I mean, they're killing. They're busy. Yeah, they're busy. All right. They got Matt Lauer. He's a Jew?

I assume so. No, he's handsome. No, that's handsome Jew. Epstein's handsome. What are you kidding? Yeah, that was shocking. Even my wife was like, he's a good-looking guy. I was like, really? I have no idea who's handsome. Oh, he's a good-looking boy. You think so? I think so, yeah.

Oh, I couldn't tell. He's kind of got a... Faces a little out of whack. He's a funky handsome. Okay, okay. He's powerful. By the way, I think the Epstein files are... Salacuse's little project is on punch of that.

Oh, tell about that there, Fetty. I think it's out. I mean, it's out. It's up there. Yeah, because I think it comes out tomorrow, according to Salacuse. He had that thing slapped together. Yeah, well, he's busy. He's the man at the office.

He's telling all the bitches. Hey, edit that, do that. You know, the filming isn't great, but he can slap people. Yeah, he can come up with ideas that have been done before. He's like Will Smith. He, yeah, it's out there, Jerry. I'm loving it. It's you, me, Veter, Kramer, the Butler, Jim Norton, Rachel Feinstein,

Raanan, Sagalo. Whoa. It was a hot night. We talked about it, hot August nights. Great crowd. You got the boo men. Boo men. Remember a lady went, boo men.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that Yeah, I didn't. I've been pissed ever since. Yeah. But yeah, check that. Let's do a proper plug. Get on Punch Up. Get the, I believe they're calling it the after-school special. Oh, is that right?

That's kind of fun. Oh, okay. They were going to call it the 15 under 15, but it was over 15. Right. So you're getting a good deal. You're getting at least 20 minutes plus of content. I think it's 20-something minutes of content. And, yeah, it was Salacuse and Frankel had this idea.

They put their heads together. Yeah. And this is what happens. You get two talentless men. Yes. They say, hey, why don't we extort? What's that word? Yeah, to exploit.

Exploit our talented friends. There you go. And make a few bucks. So that's where you guys come in. There you go. And so the good news is we make a couple of clams. The bad news is we'll probably have to do another one if it's a hit. It's going to be a hit.

I can tell. I mean, Norton brought the heat. It was fucking awesome. And the crowd was just. On fire. Hot lunch. And I did some Epstein crowd work, which was fun.

Very fun. And I came up with some bits on the fly. And I had some come on my fly. That was it. I had an epist, a pedophile thought. And I told me what you think about this. I'm sure you did. I had them all the time.

It was a wet dream. But no, we got ice. Uh-huh. Ice, their whole thing is immigration, control, enforcement. Okay. Is that right? Maybe customs? Maybe customs. I pulled that out of my ass. Immigration and customs enforcement? I don't even know if it's enforcement. I'm just going off the dome here, Iron Dome.

So. Immigration, something. Control. Cucca. Immigration and customs enforcement. Oh, there you go. Okay. Their whole department is based on getting the illegal alien motherfucker. Then you got police. Then you got FBI. But all we keep hearing about is pedophiles. Ellie, the other guy, you know, Woody Allen, whatever,

Spacey. Why not having a department just for pedos? That's pretty good. Every pedophile hunter I see is this some guy who looks like Rupert out there with a clipboard in a parking lot going, excuse me, sir, did you email Susie? She's 13. The guy's like, oh, I'm just trying to go to GameStop.

You know, and you're like, why is that guy, the pedophile hunter, just some guy from Jersey with a hoagie in his hand? And then ICE is after the elite. Legals, what about the Just a Petto department? A peto department. I like it. I'm sure the FBI has some kind of child abuse, sexual abuse department, but they don't have, but so does. There's also Border Patrol,

which is different than ICE. So there's got to be different departments. I mean, there's so many police. There's the state police, the Texas Rangers, the FBI, the CIA, there's constables, there's sheriffs, there's SWAT. Oh, SWAT. There's ATF. ATF, there's ATMs. There's lots of stuff, but is there a full-on pedophile? That should be a direct department.

I'm sure the FBI has a peto department, but all these Epstein guys are still hanging out at coffee shops. Now, to be fair, there's got to be hundreds and thousands and millions more sneaking into the country immigrants than pedophiles, right? Well, I think there's a lot of pedos who are just up here. Right, mental ped. You got to act on it to be considered a ped. Yeah, but I think you got a lot of people fly it in, overstaying their visas and everything, and people lined up to get it. I mean, this is a hot club here.

You got a point. Where pedophilia, people, nobody's like, it's harder to keep it secret, I think, too. Right, right. Or it's easier to keep secret. Well, we had a show called To Catch your Predator, which went on for like 12 seasons. So there's a handful of kid fuckers out there. Hey, I'm not saying there's no pedophiles. There's too many.

Sure. I like the idea. I'm just trying to come up with a reason why. Yeah. There's not a full department. It just seems like every 10 seconds, it's like, this teacher fucked a kid. This priest fucked a kid. This celebrity fucked a kid.

I'm like, boy, we should crack down on that. Well, get ice. How about ice cream? That's very good. Hey. That's good. That's good, because ice cream is how you get the kids. Exactly.

Unruper. We're paying a Rupert and ice cream Yeah I just had to throw that out It's an idea And I like to run an idea By you got a good head I like that

I mean it makes sense to me Hey if you're gonna If we got police Get the pedophiles Yes yes But this Epstein stuff My goodness It never ends

It just keeps on It's the kid fucking It keeps on fucking And I so badly want Clinton to just burn it all down He's 88 years old Wouldn't you love for him to come out and be like, I was getting blown by a child.

Oh, I can't wait. I high-fived Trump. Epstein ate me out from behind. I mean, just do it. Who cares? I did not have sex with women of age. They were all young. Just get out there and Hillary, too, all these people.

Bring it on. I want her legs up, heels on, just going, yeah, a kid ate me out, that I spit it in Bill's mouth, and we high-fived. And Galane, did you see her? She got ugly fast. What'd she do? What'd she do? She fucking recruited all the kids.

Did she say something? Did she have a podcast? Well, she just came out and that she pled the fifth and all the stuff. She wants Clementine or Clemency, whoever. Oh, I don't know, Clemson University. She needs something. Clementine. I was one of the girls, I guess, but I don't know. Maybe we'll get Arn Rogan.

She's singing like a canary. She was sitting there, but she looks ugly as hell. Her head looks like a dick now. Oh, no. She used to be a smoke show. She was very attractive, hot French broad, but that's what jail does to you. Not that Harvey Weinstein was a prize, but when he got out, he looked even more like an ogre. Is he out of jail?

I think so. Give that a goob. I think Cosby's out as well. Yeah. Didn't he plead? I think he pled... Clemente or something? Guilty of something. I can't remember.

I can't see Peter. He's still in jail. Harvey Weinstein? Yeah. I saw pop out and do a courtroom thing. Yeah, he came on a plant and left. I don't know. But anyways, yeah, check out the Epstein.

and file on punch up. This thing is going to soar to the tie. It's a comedy special. I mean, you can go watch a comedy special with like eight comics. It's a comedy with a little variety. Because how long do you want to watch Tom Segura's mug? You know, a whole hour of Burke Kreischer. This is, you start hating Jim Norton. There's Rachel. You start hating women.

There's Sagalow. And you start hating Jews. You can skip over Veter. And Ron on. Oh, yeah. He's a little more the kind that people don't like. That's true. Yeah. yelling and the spinning. And he's a dad.

Loud. Yeah. That's a happy kid. Go check out Ron on special. He's got some of the best specials going. He's got a brand new one. It's hot. It's called morbidly Jewish.

It's so fucking funny. He's a great writer. Go watch it. Funny jokes. Good stuff. Great stuff. His Michael Jackson joke was probably the highlight for me. That was great.

He had a great viral Woody joke. Did you see that one? Everybody stole it. I texted him. I was like, dude, everybody's stealing your joke. Yeah, that's fucking horses shit. That's the internet. Hey, folks, Tuesday stories brought to you by Cheers Health.

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slash Tuesday. But anyhow, so how you been, where you been? What's going on? I got to say, I just got back from Taye Haas, and I'll tell you, you go to Texas in February. Woo!

You have to see in the snow, the hobos getting frozen to a goddamn subway train. It is a treat down there. I mean, it's 61 at night, 75 in the day, the sun is shining, there's no black history. It was a hoot.

I can't wait. going there a week. I'll be in Austin. Oh, my God. I'm jealous. I was in the pool, Jerry. I mean, it was magical. I got sun. I got vitamin D. I can't wait. By the way, Sunday the 22nd or 23rd or the 20-something, 20-something. I'm doing Joe Liston.

Friends of the Creek in the Cave one night only. That's fun. Two shows? Just one show. Okay. I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm going to host. It'll be like a fun little showcasey thing, nice and easy, dip in, dip out. Beautiful.

That's fun. That's fun. You got a kiss Rebecca on the cheek. Maybe get something out of the food truck. Sure. Maybe fight a guy in the street. Sure. That's Texas. Bring a lasso. How about Lewis J. Gomez? He said, someone filmed the fight. He's like, by the way, if you're a comic and you're filming your friend or another comic fighting, you're a pussy, you're a piece of shit. Fuck you. I'm like, we don't want to see it. I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, you should be breaking it up or jumping in. I'm like, you decide to fight a man in the street? I have to get involved? the hell you're talking about

And I can't film it? Right, I don't get it Oh, he wants you to jump in and not film it He wants me to either stop him from fighting Or join him and beat up the guy But that's not fair to the guy That's two on one It's not fair to the guy, it's not fair to me

Why am I in a street fight? I think of another guy jumps in You can jump in Yeah, if he's getting jumped Then you got to jump in and help or do what you can Call the police or run away, whatever But you're 44 years old And someone said,

meet me outside and you said, all right, doggy, and then you go out and square up. What the hell? I'm supposed to be part of this? No, I'm with you. That's on you. You're writing checks. Your Puerto Rican ass can't shake. And I said to him, that's not very alpha.

You can't make your own decision? That's kind of beta. Kind of beta. I need someone to help me. I like it. You got to come help me. Beta Max. I'm a beta.

Yes, yes. Also, if he would have fought that guy and kicked his ass, he would go, thank God you got that on tape. Now I go viral. Well, I think he's. I think he might, you know, he might be like, can you please destroy that? I don't want to go to prison forever. I still get him.

Well, I'm browned in my ass all that kid. He's bad buddy. But it's, I thought, you know, fights a fight, consensual. Is that illegal? I don't think it's legal to street fight. I guess you're right. Yeah, no. I never thought about that.

Yeah, you're definitely not allowed to fight. Oh, yeah, it's a good point. Especially if you win the fight, it's like extra illegal. That's what's crazy. Oh, yeah, you want to lose legally. Yeah, if you lose, you lose. I feel like it's still illegal, but they don't press charges and stuff. If you don't land a punch, it's not really a salt.

You could just be like, I dance that way. Yeah. I'm a goofball. That's Chris Brown, great dancer. But I saw the fight. I saw the fight. The guy kicked him twice in the foot. He checked one of them, which was nice.

Okay. And that was the end of it. Then he tried to kiss the guy. Yeah. It was a little gay. They were in traffic. But we love you, Lewis. I'm only kidding.

We're making a movie about you. Sure, sure. So what happened? The guy heckled him and he went, let's go. I guess the guy's a real problem. He got kicked out of it. He was fighting people to kill Tony bucket line. Jeez.

He was trying to fight people there. Then he went to the creek and he was shouting and then they were kicking him out. And then Lewis, he was like, meet me outside. You fag or something. And Lewis was like, you got it. Oh, he's waiting for that. And then they went outside and they squared up. They're in traffic.

Yeah. And then, I don't know, people came over and were like, hey, stop. But the guy filming, the footage I saw, the guy filming, this is gay, y'all are gay. That guy is hilarious. save the whole show. But also, if this guy's fighting to kill Tony roundup, that's like a hate crime. I mean, half the people are in wheelchairs, four are retarded and six are burn victims.

Like, this guy should be, he should be in jail. That's a great point. I mean, you're going around hitting retarded people in handicapped. Like, one guy's got a crutch, knock that out. The other guy's got a voice bug. Don't hurt me. You know, like, this guy's a maniac. Well, this is Austin.

I mean, you go to Austin. People think I'm crazy, but Ian, a friend of ours will just got a number. a fist fight the other day and Austin knocked a guy out and then Lewis is in a fight? Yeah. Oh wow. I think we talked about this on the reg so I think it's fine to say yeah

for dance. I fucking blasted some guy. Wow. Well see that's the thing about these guys who like trans women. They can take it. They can fistfight because you're you're fucking a dude. There you go. So you got to be ready to square up sexually and physically.

Well people are fistfighting like crazy like hotcakes down Apparently, yeah. It's a scary place to be. Good for Ian. I think fucking trans people is a good prep for street fighting. It's going to be a bit. Now you're off on a topic.

Well, you know, we fuck women. They're easy to throw around, manhandle. This guy can manhandle back. That's true, because I felt I was very tough in my 20s because I fucked nothing but Ruperts. Every woman I fucked was picking me up and body slamming me like Hogan at WrestleMania 3. They would scoop slam me. Yeah.

The only way to win is throw up. pizza slice across the room. Hopefully they go chase it. Like a T-Rex or whatever. I don't know. T-Rex, the only dinosaur that got a cool name. Because he's a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but he's like, call me T. Isn't that weird?

That sounds like a bit from your first year. I never thought about that. Yeah, I'm T-Rex. The other one, I'm a Dilaposaurus, a Galapagos, island, or whatever they are. I'm a brontosaurus, bronchitis. Now there's new dinosaurs. I watch Miss Rachel every day all day,

even when the baby's out of town. But it's all, there's an elephantsaurus and a miasosaurus. There's like, there's new dinosaurs. No. And there's a dinosaur that's the size of a chicken. What? There's the teradactal. It was like genders.

They keep popping up. I know. Now there's like a transosaurus. A poohy dactyl, yeah. It's like the size of a hen. I was like, what? A hen. That's called a hen.

I'm telling you, there's some crazy stuff going on in the past. Oh, this feels like D.E.I. It's funky-doo, but. Anyways, yeah, T-Rex is cool. T-Rex. Yo, I'm T-Rex. And by the way, Jurassic Park made the Raptor like cool. The T-Rex is like the good guy and the Philoso Raptor was the bad guy.

I don't know if he's a good guy. He saves the day at the end. Oh, that's right. He catches the raptor in his mouth and eats it. That's a good point. You know what else? Here's a plot hole for you. There's a scene, I've seen that movie I saw in the theater.

There's a scene where their kids are in the car and the car has a clear roof, you know, because they want it to it's an amusement park. You want to see everything. Sunroof. Well, yeah, but it's huge. It's the size of like two beach towels, you know. And the T-Rex sticks his head down

to eat the kids, and of course he hits the roof, and the kids are going, Oh, yeah. They're holding the Plexiglass roof up as if this guy wouldn't just shove them straight into the earth and smush the whole thing. Right, right, yeah. These two children are managing to hold up the whole head of a T-Rex.

Right. Like a couple of miles. times. Well, maybe he's just trying to nibble and he's stupid. He doesn't have the hands. He's got no hands, which is weird. That's true, but I feel like if he's coming down on the head, he's coming down. Well, it's strong glass. I'll give you that. It's one of the stronger pieces of glass I ever saw. I guess so. But yeah, it reminds me of that old joke I saw a guy do, and I don't know. I was on VH1 spotlight and always stuck in my asshole, and I have no idea what he looks like or what year it was or when it happened. But the guy had a joke, he goes, when you squish a bug, you always do. this. Like the bug is in there like this. Yeah, that's great. It's kind of similar. That's so true. These kids are bugs. Yeah. The only thing I'd say

against that, not to knock this brilliant comedian, but I've stepped on a roach before, and you pick your foot up, and he crawls away. Well, roaches, they're Syria. They're like dinosaurs. Yes, and they got that smushy skeleton. Yeah, what's that called? Exo?

Exo. Exo? Exo. Exo, exo, ecto cooler. Exoskeleton. Okay. So skeleton. Thank you. Rupert's a smart motherfucker. Oh, yeah.

Look at the big brain on Rupert. Look at the big everything on Rupert. Look at the big pants on Rupert. I just rewatch that as well. What? Pulpiction. Yeah. That's a hell of a picture.

Yeah. Well, I just, yeah, I was in Texas and, you know, I got the call. Hey, I see you're doing San Antonio. You might want to come down to Houston, make a couple extra K and run your set a couple times of the secret group. Sure. I like it. So I flew down on Thursday. We did two shows there, and then high-tailed it in the Tesla all the way to San Antonio.

So he did Houston first. Houston, two shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday, San Antonio. I love Secret Group. That's a great room. The crowd was white-hot, very cool. Houston, I think they're closing that club. I hate to tell you. Oh, no. Yeah, there's all kinds of construction. Ruined the whole block. All the business is closed. Oh, that's terrible.

I know. somewhere else? I think he's done. I think he's done. I don't know if I'm supposed to be leaking this, but that club had, like, Chappelle did it. Norm did it. I mean, Pat Nosswell, Mark Mayor. Yeah, everybody went through there at some point. We had a skank fest there. Chappelle did secret crew? Yeah, he popped in once. No kidding. Oh, yeah. I mean, my Christmas, 2019, I think it was like the best headlining show I ever did in my life. Well, it was up there, but it's probably been surpassed since. But it was one of my favorite shows ever at Skankfest South was my favorite week of my life. Oh, that was the roast. The roast was big. Wow, that was epic. It was

awesome. So, RIP, one of my favorite places ever. Yeah, I don't know how lucrative the business is and it's hard to promote and yada yada, flying comics in as a nightmare. Yeah. Whatever it is. But we had a good time. There was a good run. So then we drove to San Antonio. And I got to tell I think that is one of the better comedy towns that no one talks about. Really? I'm there in two weeks or something, March 5th to the 7th. First of all, the crowd is all Hispanic. It looked like Bad Bunny Show.

I mean, it's just Mexican people. And I think if we're talking race, Hispanics have the best sense of humor. Absolutely. We talked about it in the past on this show as well. Latinos are great, and you can make fun of them, you can stab them, you can kick them out of the country. They're resilient and tough and fun. They'll build you a kitchen. And they all got tattoos.

Yeah, that's true. I never thought about that. I think so. Them in the Jews in the 40s. But yeah. Good people, good times, work some stuff out. Got my bad bunny clip. You got to have the clip.

You got to have the clips. You've got to have the clips. You post that puppy. The only problem with the San Antonio, no direct flight. So I had to fly to Atlanta, hop over back to New York, and then had the Super Bowl. over here. Ah, you had a, like a little get-together.

Yeah, we had the neighbors over. We had the babies together. They have a kid. We have a kid. Let them have sex with each other. And you watch the game. And boy, maybe the most boring Super Bowl in history. One of the worst Super Bowls ever.

The fourth quarter got kind of exciting. Back-to-back kind of crummy Super Bowls. Yeah. And just a stink fest. Stink, stunk. I mean, no touchdowns for three quarters. I know. What the hell happened?

That Derek Mayer. Drake May. Drake May. I think he had a panic attack or something. Well, he's injured, supposedly. The offensive line was absent. And I think he's shit in his pants a little bit. But what are you going to do?

He's a young kid. Not everyone's Tom Brady. What can you do? Sure. You had a great tweet about Green Day. That's still going. It's at like 700,000 views, which is exciting. By the way, some guy messaged me.

Every once in why you've got to respond to people. Some guy messaged me on Instagram and Twitter. Some guy wrote, yikes, swinging a miss. And I had to write back, it has 12,000 likes, 800 retweets, and 600,000 views. This is like categorically not a swing and a miss. Exactly.

Well, it's a swing and it went off over the park. It's a swing and a fucking three-run, walk-off home run. Yeah. It's still viral three days later. It's like still going. It's got every language has responded to this thing. Wow. And it's like 800 responses.

Good tweet. And he's like, yeah, swing and a miss. And I'm like, just say, I'm a retweeat. turn. I don't get it or I don't like it. Whatever. What did he write? He wrote back, oh, I guess I didn't get it. I mean, 700,000 views, 500 retweets. That's gold. It looks just like a 50s

housewife who's fucking Buzz Alder. Yes, I mean, so swing and a miss, my ass. Yeah, that was his comment was a miss. Yeah, you're a swing of a miss. Your mother should have swung and missed or whatever. Yes, yes, swing of a miss, Delphire. But it's one of those things where you're like, people are like, hey, you toothed,

sawless fag. You got me. All right. Keep it moving. And then someone's like, that bombed. I'm like, but it,

no, it didn't. But it didn't. Clearly didn't. Yeah. Well, that's the problem with Twitter is sometimes I'll tweet something. I'm like, here we go, baby. This is going to change the world.

And everybody's like, you used to be funny. What happened to you? Kill yourself. Boy, this is why I stopped following you, whatever. And then you start going, all right, it's not getting any retweets.

All the comments are negative. And then I just leave it alone. And I come back and it's got like 200 retweets. So you can't go off the first cunts because they just like to get in there. They're like the Rosa Parks or Jackie Robinson of cunts. Well, also, by the way, X, as it's called, ever since Elon took over, it is hell on earth.

It's mean. It used to be like, hey, I'm doing a show. Well, we love you. We wish you the best. Now it's like, I hope your parents die in a fire. Your father never should have fucked your mother. I fucked your father. It's Israel's fault.

Here's some tits. Oh, it's actually a guy. It's Rupert. Yeah, you can't win. It is nuts in there. And it's always been a little hairy. Sure. It makes YouTube look like a fucking...

Miss Rachel. Yeah. Blues clues. It's making a Miss Rachel. But... But yeah, yeah. So that was a good... I had one that I've enjoyed, but it didn't go that far.

But it was... You see the Jew commercial? It was like anti-semitism. I saw it afterwards because everyone had bits about it. Yeah. Well, the big slug line is two out of three Jews experience. anti-Semitic, whatever. And I wrote, well, that's progress.

Because in my day, it was three out of three. Hey, that's good. Yeah, it did okay. But I got some hate from Israel. I missed the whole halftime show because I kept Marty up for the first half. Because I was like, I don't want to put him to bed while the game is on. So as soon as the second quarter ended, I was like, all right, you're going to bed.

I duct taped his mouth and fucking tied him up and threw him in the bed. But he kept kicking and crying. So then by the time I came out, Bad Bunny was over. and then Twitter was just 58,000 tweets and every other tweet was it was the worst thing I've ever seen. It was the best thing I've ever seen. You're the best thing. Yes, yes.

So I have no, I got nothing. I missed a bunch of commercials. Well, I don't know his stuff at all. You know, I'm not a fan. But I thought it was well done. It was really great set-wise. I don't love his music. I know I'm not cool, Hispanic.

I have no rhythm. But it was, it wasn't like catchy. Right. It was just like, we're over here. How about Brazil? how about Puerto Rico? How about Columbia? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I got it. But give me some cha-cha.

But I thought it was cool. He could have gone out, and I thought he was going to dress his ice and make a whole statement, but he just kept it funky and fun. Well, I don't, I tried to, because this happens to me a lot with current pop music. Some of will talk about, you know, Lady Gaga or Miss Sweetie Pants, whatever their names are. She's good. And I'll go, what do they sing?

because I don't know what, but I've heard it in the mall. Sure. Most of the time, and you've heard it at a ball game or at the mall or at Epstein's Island, whatever. But Bad Bunny, I played all the top Apple Music. I'm like, I don't think I've heard any of this. I've never heard a single one. We're not cool. We're not in the mix.

I like Van Morrison, you know, so it wasn't for me, but I thought it was well done. Yeah, I didn't, I missed it. And he's getting a ton of hate, but I'm like, he didn't do it. He just got booked. Right. He's not mad at it. trying to ruin your life, he just got booked to do a gig. Well, they're all

just trying to distract us from all the you know. The bad food, the evil politicians, the corrupt bullshit? Yeah, I think so. Well, it worked because Twitter was a buzz and people are actually angry and making posts about it, which seems like a large waste of time.

Of course, it's all a waste of time. How about this? Let me throw this out. Please. I think you're going to like this. I think you, of all people, people, are going to appreciate this. I'm excited. So, you know, you walk around. I've talked about this before. I love an old school ad. I like going on the subway and there's a new magic show in Union Square.

Check out Stevie the Great. And you go, oh, I'd like to see Stevie the Great. He takes his thumbs off, whatever. And you go, I'm going to buy a ticket. I like to just go with like a... I saw a poster. We're going. Wow.

No one does that. I like to do it. It's fun. That's fun. I've come across some good stuff. I've seen plays that way. and I've met women that way. Whatever it is.

The brothel ad got you. So I go, I don't know what I'm talking about. I just lost my track of that. Stevie the Great. You saw an ad, you bought it, you took a trip on the Lolita Express. So I'm at Gristides, the grocery store today. Quit bragging. By the way, I don't usually grocery shop.

Pricey. It's stupid. It's the closest to my house. A jar of tomato sauce is like $14. I feel like a boomer and a half. I mean... Mom, Donnie! You go over there.

You buy tomato sauce and wherever you live? What's it cost? I don't buy the grocery. He makes his own out of a bit of a barrel. What are you kidding? He's stirring a big spoon. Well, I'd rather eat my wife's period blood than this Rios Marinera. It costs $16.

Say Rios. You've got to be kidding me. Yeah, that's crazy. Anyways, I go and buy some sauce. I'm waiting in line there at the Gristidis. and there's a little video ad, British Swim School. And it's little kids with swim caps and the Yukon, Jack. You know it?

Oh, I thought you were nodding. The ice cream department right there, by the way. This British Swim School, I'm sure it's a bunch of kids and panties. Well, so I go, oh, it's right around the corner. It's like a block from my house. So I go, oh, great. I'll sign them up. So I just scan the QRco while I'm waiting in line.

Blu-boop. And I sign them up for swim lessons. You go in there. And it's like 60 bucks a lesson, which also seems quite steep, but we live in Manhattan. 300 bucks for a private lesson. It's 30 minutes. What a fuck? Can't you just throw the kid in the Hudson?

30 minute lesson. 30 minutes for 60 bucks. I'm telling you, but it's private. So it's 60 bucks, but that's the city we live in. And it's a block from my house. It's in the winter. We need stuff to do. It teaches survival and all this crap.

So I go, all right, I signed them up. I sell Sarah. Hey, I signed them up. I'm taking them. Don't worry. 30 minutes is very short. It's very short, but I'm like, well, it'll be a big group. It gives you all these, you get 14 emails.

Everything you sign up for. I'm already out. I'll pay you 300 bucks to not do it. Sign this, sign that. You got to do this. So it says you can't bring a stroller because it gets crowded, one parent at a time. Fucking don't bring a sandwich. Make sure you lose weight.

It's tight space. For 300 bucks, they should be giving you a sandwich. Well, we got the $60. Okay, okay, sorry. $300 is the private. So we show up. This is last week. We show up there.

We walk in. I'm like a half an hour early, as always. It's just one tubby lady in the swimming pool. Hi, we'll start in 10 minutes. It's like 3.20, which is brutal because the baby's like, let me get in the pool. I want to get the pool. It's like putting a piece of young pussy in front of them and be like, don't lick it.

Right, both are wet. He's just staring at the pool. Be like, can we go in now? Can we go in now? Finally, like, okay, it's time. Know where the kids show up. There's doing else. It's a little pricey.

There's zero people. So we get the lesson. You get a private lesson. I'm getting $60 lessons for $300 lesson for $60. Hey, all right, you beat the system. And then she goes, hey, tell us some friends. It's better with a group. And I'm like, I'm not telling anybody.

No, except for these people here. Yeah, well, they're not going to show up. Nah, they can't afford it. So I go, I'm not telling anyone. We went yesterday. We're all the only ones in there again. Oh, that's great. Can you imagine, though, if I had signed up for private, what if I was a big asshole?

And I was like, hey, I want private lessons. Right. We have the pool to ourselves. Here's three, six, six. Here's $1,200. This is it. And so I'm getting private lessons for $60. This is a life hack of the year.

It's like paying for first class. You're like, man, maybe I'll do, I'll do coach. And you're the only guy on the plane. Exactly. Uh-huh. It's an analogy. Well, it's similar when I went on my trip to Peru, my big hiking trip with, you know who, Cleveland. Yes.

Cleveland Indians. So I signed up and it was like you could do a private trip for like $7,000 or a group trip for like $14,000. or a group trip for like $14,00, we're the only two on the trip. So it's the same deal. Genius. I'm lucky with this. Wow, this lady fucked up. She made the prices too high.

Now you're getting the benefits. Now I'm getting the private, and there's nothing they can do about it. They can't be like, hey, hey, this is a private. You know, it's $300. I'm like, I didn't sign up for a private. Get some more business, you dizzy fuck. Tell your friends, blow me, bitch. I'm keeping this thing on lockdown.

But if you want to go, it's Wednesdays at 8 o'clock. Yeah, yeah, the story. Yep. Yeah, it's deep in Jersey. Wow, so you're getting your kid private lesson for $60,000. That's unheard of. It's pretty good, yeah. We went a long way from Stevie the Great.

I didn't know we were going to the pool. Well, the point was, I just saw it on the billboard, and now he's swimming like a motherfucker, and he's got the survival skills, and we're getting the pool in the middle of the winter, which is nice. Also, pool. Great for the body, works every muscle. This kid's going to be lean, mean, and alive. Oh, he's jacked. It's crazy, because all he does is.

work out all day. Sure. So he's like ripped. Yeah, that's hot. It's pretty cool. Wow. Well, I got some different news. Oh, boy.

And you're going to like this. Oh. I hope. I hope so, too. I got a loose booger in my left nostril. Ah, it's a bitch. I hate it. You can't get it.

It's tickling. I could get it, but I'm on camera and everything. Sure, sure. But yeah, I don't care where I'm at the family reunion. I'm on a first date. If I got a loose booger, I got to get it. So there you go, folks. Put that on the clip.

Patreon on it. Are we going to show the bugger? No. All right, all right. That's too much. That's only fans. Just a piece of cocaine. All right.

So, flying all over God's Earth, coming back from San Antonio, you've got a connected Atlanta, long day, hungover, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I'm at the Atlanta airport, and I'm hitting the Hudson News as you do. You know, a little cliff bar here, a little hard-boiled egg there,

put a banana up my ass. I'll take a nice jug of milk. What is that, a hoagie? You're a Clifto-Maniac. Hey. I'll take it. And so then I land in LaGuardia, and I go, I always hear your voice in my head, because I go, I'll go to the lounge on the arrival. I'll get a coffee, and you went, coffee's $2.

That's a place with coffee, is $2. Coffee's $2. Meanwhile, you're getting a $60 flight, or swim pass. But so I go, all right, I won't go in the lounge. Fine. You're in my head. So I go steal some more shit from the Hudson News. I got a Vogue magazine under one arm.

I got a neck pillow stolen. And I'm walking to my Uber. Boop Boop, Boop. 8C section. Cop goes, excuse me. Oh, boy. Excuse me, sir. And I'm like, I'm like, 10 feet from the door.

And I was like, make a run for it. I was wheeling my little gay, you know, what is that? Hello Kitty bag. And I'm like, oh, I'm good. He goes, excuse me. Hang tight. Don't move. And I was like.

Hang tight. Yeah, I said something like that. He didn't say freeze, but he said like, halt or abort or something. And I was like, what, me, sir, who, huh? I was playing dumb. And he goes, stop right there. It's all pipes. Wow.

This is a 6-8 black cop with full regalia, nightstick, machine gun, bulletproof vest, Tuesday. Wow, thank God. I know. I had three, like, fruit roll-ups in my pussy. I was terrified. But, yeah, he was like, who goes there? He really put his arm out. I was like, wait, wait.

And he walked right up to me. And he got like right here and he goes, it's all pipes. And I went, oh, my God, black guy. I mean, he's got a pipe. I'd like to see his, Big Billy. Crack pipe. Wow, good for us. Good for us.

Thank you, sir. Blue lives, the whole thing. And my God, this guy scared the shit out of me. Yeah, that's scary. Well, you got away with it at least. Yeah, yeah, I got in the Uber and I snacked up. But, man, I did not see that coming. You see a big black cop coming towards you.

You're like, well, there it goes. Yeah, I'm done. He's going to tase you. Yeah, the tables have turned. All good. All good. Tuesday. What are these cops listening?

Are they in the squad car going to put my radio banter for the kids or whatever it is? I think so. I mean, I got a good friend who's a state cop. He listens religiously. He goes to church and gets on a knee and he's, He listens to it. Man, just imagine like a bunch of black guys getting beat up with nightsticks, and it's like, and the duck fell out of his bag.

But I think we're, yeah, I think we have a very diverse, I'm not very diverse, but a subtly diverse, because there's some hot chicks, there's some fat ones, there's some ugly ones. We got Asians still listening somehow. We got, we got the Jews are in, the blacks, the Latinos. Yes, we're in, baby. Now, don't get me wrong. It is almost 100% white. men 35 to 45 with rock and roll t-shirts and bad beards.

Yes, yes, of course. There is plenty of hot women, and there's a couple, like, really hot women that I'm like, I can't believe. Every time they message me, I think about emailing my wife. I know, and you meet them, and you're like, I feel bad for you. You're a fan of mine. I'm like, what's wrong with you? Yeah, there's one lady that I'm like, you want to be like, I'll follow you.

I think it'll be okay if I follow you on Instagram. Let me see your wife, your family, and your husband. and your kids, please. Spring break, show up the bikini, whatever you got there. Shoot me a bathing suit photo if you're a fan and you're a lady. You know who I'm talking about. There you go. Or without the bathing suit, if you want.

Get out of them. No judgment here. All right. So, yeah, so I got a real spooked from that cop. Easy. All right. And, yeah, got home and we're back. Went to the Super Bowl and saw the Super Bowl here.

And I had a great time now. throw this at you. Please. Now, this is like a curb ep. So, we had some people over for the Super Bowl, and one of them brought wings, which is a hit. You can't go wrong with wings. Sure. Big pile of steaming hot.

You know, he had the lemon pepper. You had the whatever, the barbecue, and you had the hot sauce. Whatever the wings, the buffalo. I love buffalo. So I must have eaten 600 of these things. And I noticed during the game, the game's wrapping up. The score was like four to seven, whatever the hell it was.

low-scoring game. I look over, I was like, pretty nice pile of wings there. That's one of the perks of having a Super Bowl party. You get to keep the food. Sure. So game wraps up. What are you going to do?

Hey, here's your 20 bucks. Sorry. Ha-ha, bad bunny, controversy. I look over. Took the wings back. I don't like that. I don't care for that at all. I was planning on eating on the next day.

I mean, that's literally a Seinfeld episode. I'm sitting here with the wife going, It was like the raisins. Like, who took the wings? Where are the wings? The rainbow rye. Yeah, I'm like, would they take them back? And they're like a well-to-do couple of big swingers.

Uh-huh. So I was shocked and I was appalled. They took them back. Did they hand make them? Did they roll them and pluck them? No, they were clearly store bought. I mean, that's as crazy as a thing. I mean, that's like the biggest faux pie.

Isn't that wild? Yeah, yeah. That's not what you. You do? And I didn't even see it. I think they did it on the... Slyly. On the slide.

Yeah. No, this is the marble rye. You got to... Hopefully they'll bring it back and fishing line it up to the window. Put the wings back. Yeah, give me that, you old bag. But yeah, I got bamboozled. What's the point of having a Super Bowl party if you can't keep the food?

Now, how many wings are we talking? I'd say we started with 30. And by the end of the game... There was probably nine, and they took all-niner. They have kids, little kids? They got a baby. Maybe ain't eating a wing. No.

Yeah, it's vexing. Does Rupert have a key to your house? He might have come in after hours and just... Yeah. I noticed the fridge was knocked over. So maybe. I mean, that's troubling. I don't care for that one bit.

I would bring it up or not invite them back again. These people are high society, which is the most crazy part. Yeah, that's no good. Maybe this is karma, though, because remember, you used to bust tables that you didn't work at and eat all the wings. Yeah, that's true. But I waited until they were done with them. You waited, all right. Tables.

Wow. Yeah. Now, is this a comedian? Do I know this person? No, not a comedian. That's the comedian. I would go, all right, well, it's this fucking degenerate weirdo. But it's regular people who work at jobs, Jerry, nine to five in an office.

Now, I think it's okay. If they addressed it, if they said, hey, listen, I got my cousins. in town. I get it. And he's never been to Buffalo and we want us to give him these wings. No, that was the craziest part. You know, we're like doing the dishes and picking up beer cans and I'm like, oh, let me get a wing.

Huh. Did you move the wings? And she's like, no. I saw there was a couple left. I was excited to eat them. And I'm like, could they have taken back the way? It was just like a TV show. Wow. Well, I wouldn't invite those people back. No, they're dead to me. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Now, how about this one?

Please. This was about 14 weeks ago, but I I've totally forgot about it. Oh, I can't wait. It's kind of fun, I think. Blast for the past. This is a little wacky. So we were in, this is when we were in Charlotte. Oh, yes.

I remember that. Matt Wayne, the big snowstorm. Everyone's wacky about the snowstorm. Are we going to get out? Are we going to survive? We're going to live. Charlotte's Whib. They give us two rooms.

I don't know why these hotels. I mean, I get it. They don't realize we're comedian, buddies. We're different. Two dudes don't want to be next to each other. I know this one. Yeah, you hear the porn. They go, yeah, you give you a,

in 305 and 307. I'm like, I want to be on the 14th floor and the sixth floor. Yes, agreed. We're not husband and wife. I don't want conjoining rooms or whatever. No, no. And then I write out loud. So I'll finish a bit about macaroni and cheese and I get out of the door.

And he comes out of his door and he's like, craft, huh? I'm like, ah, you heard all that? You know, embarrassing? I'm holding a pen going, oh, mac and cheese. What's up with that? Huh, ho. You make it at home. It comes in a box, but then it's in a bowl.

Well, I had this with Topalo 25 years ago. Same thing. We met up to go to the thing, and he was like, you can't sing Elton John in your room. And I didn't know I was singing, because when you have it blasting in your AirPods, you're like, I think it's going to be a long loud. You don't realize how loud you are.

Tiny dancer. But I'm a tiny dicker, the kicker. So I was screaming out fucking, you know, Leavon or whatever. So this time, they give us. Levon Helms. Conjoining rooms. adjoining rooms, whatever, the door. Ah, I hate the door.

So you each have a door. What are your conjoining twins? So I ordered some domino, motherfucker, what's happening? So I ordered some dominoes the way I do. Is that ice cube? Yeah, and... Menace? No. Bad boys in the hood. Boys in the hood.

Boys in the hood. Yeah. Wonderful film. Boys of the hood could be about a guy in a clan outfit, too. Pretty good. That could be two. Boys of the hood, too. boys the cladhood goes to the

South Central that's pretty brilliant yeah they and it's him growing up in his tough neighborhood right because they're probably

from tough neighborhoods too these plants I'd imagine yeah that's rough and tumble like country boys they give each other

wedgies and like throw each other off the truck sure piss on your your outfit there but

sheets to the wind so so so we got the joining rooms I order dominoes

I text him it's one of these ones but we're only there for like, we have like a half an hour before the show because we drove all the way from, we went in Someday Supreme, we drove from Asheville, we got like 30 minutes to eat and get ready. So I say, hey, I got some pizza over here. Yeah. He goes, all right, I'll jump over. I'll eat a couple slices, then I'll shower. So it's one of these ones too. You have the adjoining

rooms. Yeah. And he goes, hey, I'll come through the adjoin. So I hear a knock on my adjoined door. Oh, weird. And I, you know, I'm in my, I'm showered. I showered early. He comes over. He's in his underpants. I open the thing. He's like, pizza's here. And he goes, this fun, huh? Adjoining rooms. Yeah, it's fun, whatever, yada, yada. I'm watching, uh, I don't know what the fuck I'm watching porn. He comes in, when he comes in,

the door closes behind him. Uh-oh. He goes, oh, that's no big deal. He eats a couple slices of pizza. Now, he's in his underwear. We've got to leave in 20 minutes. He hasn't showered. He's got a barret in his hair, a pigtail, and a candy thong. So we eat the pizza. Not thinking of anything

of it. And now I want my time to meditate, jerk off, see what fits in my ass. So he goes, all right, I'll see you later. I got to jump in the shower. And I go, well, you better be quick, because you stayed here too long, quick shower. Okay, I'll make it quick. Goes over. There's no door handle. Yes. This side of his door has no door handle. Yes. So he goes, ah, shit. He goes, well, I wasn't expecting to shut behind me, but I was ready for this. I got my key. Oh, he kept it in the Whiteys. Got the room key in the tiny Whitey. Wow. That would be uncomfortable. So he leaves. I go, all right, take care. And I have that

this moment You put your feet up I'm already showered I got his 20 minutes so I'm just gonna sit here and chill out and I hear fuck

oh no what the fuck I go what the fuck what is this we gotta go why aren't you in the shower he put his

pad lock on his safety lock on his door so this door we can't get in because there's no door handle it locks behind You go around to the front, he's got the key, but from the inside, he put the fucking safety padlock on.

Oh, it's a perfect storm. And he's in the handicap room. There's two of whatever reason. He put two bolts on his door. There's one at like handy-tired level and one regular people level. What is this guy? Coke dealer. That's what I said.

I was like, what city do you think we're in? Yeah. What is this judgment night? We've got to be okay. What the fuck? So now I'm like, well, good luck. I don't know what to tell you. He's got a shower in your room, but he don't have any clothes.

He's got no clothes. He doesn't have his phone. No phone. No clothes. I mean, he's in his tiny whitties and he's got a fucking bra. He's got nothing on. Clock's ticket. He shouldn't have put that black face on.

So now it's one of those things. Like, you're my buddy. You're my boy. But I'm like, I need my chill time. I got to go digest this pizza and throw up blood. So I go, well, you better go down town. You better go get a key. Or you better go get the maintenance.

guy. So he goes downstairs. He comes back and he's like, send the maintenance guy. So we got to wait. And then they just send, but I'm like, I don't know what maintenance is going to do. Kick it in. They're going to have to break the door down. So the guy comes. It's like a 14-year-old black kid. He looks like he had to been 11 years old. Oh, geez. They said Jalila White. And they go, oh, yeah, that happens all the time. Usually it's kids. And he says to me, it says it happens all the time. It's usually a kid. And I go, no, no, no. They don't understand what you're saying. Right. Because the kids. is inside the thick. So if a kid does it, you go, okay, little Tommy. Flip it. You got to flip that thing. I'm like, they don't know what you're talking about. There's no way of getting around this. No, I mean, you need a battering ram.

So the kid comes in, this kid looked like he was 10 years old, and he's like, yo, man, what's this shit? He's like, what the hell? And he's like, what do you do? Yeah, he's like, what the hell do you do here now? And we're like, yeah, it's locked from this side, this bad. he's like, we're trying to look in. It's like this big.

And I'm like, he's like, I don't know how I'm going to get in there. I'm like, yeah, well, if you can get in, the locks don't work. Ah, good point. It's like the whole purpose is to keep people out. So he just went and got a crowbar. And so now I should have taken a video. It was like the slippery bandits or whatever they're called, the sticky bandits. Oh, yeah.

The wet bandits. He's got like the thing. He's just trying to pry the thing off. So we're just standing there. Matt's in his underwear. I've got a big giant Pepsi and a popcorn. while this guy's just crowbarring his way in. And we're trying to lean on the door,

kick the door, bend the door, and there's nothing else to do except fucking bust the frame off the door. It's the point of the lock. I mean, the lock is working. You ever get locked out of your house and you try to break in your own house? You go, man, this is hard.

It's supposed to be hard. Yes. So finally he just bent the thing like all the way back and it's all fucked up and dinged up and duty dude. And we finally got it in with like eight minutes to spare. Now, I hate to ask, does this come out of your deposit or whatever? I don't think so. He didn't fully break the door off.

It was just all warped and whatever. And then we were leaving. The manager was like, he didn't break my door, did he? And we felt bad. We were like, no, no, it's in perfect condition. But you're like, but if he did, it's not his fault. It's Matt's fault. That's true.

It's like, you can't blame this guy. So hopefully this kid didn't get fired. No, no. But I think ultimately would be. Matt's fault. Yeah. And Matt would have to pay, which means you would have to pay because you've got the room. Yeah, I should check my statements. But I think it's okay. But it was one of those like perfect like, oops. Oops. Yes. Uh-oh. Yes. And you're like, this is like such a crazy thing to happen. Like how often do you put both dead bolts on? I know. And then come through

the back side door with no thing. I want to talk to Matt Wayne because I don't know anybody who double locks. That is, I don't put that lock on. This wasn't even bedtime. That's kooky. He must be doing some wacky shit in there with Loub and a Tildo and a donkey. Yeah, I don't know, but maybe it's just fun to flip it, I guess. It's fun to flip. Because it wasn't the one with the, it's the one with just the metal, like, flap. Yeah, I know the flap.

It's not the old school one. Not the arm, but the flap. I know the flap. It's like two and a half inches, three inches of square. So we had to bend it out like Beckham. Yes. But it was funky, but you're like, you feel for your buddy. but at the same time, you're like, I'm in no help here.

Yeah, yeah. Well, also, maybe put a doorknob on both sides of the door. But I could walk into their door. That's true. If I don't know the person, I could just go boop-b-bip and walk in and go watch, you know, my sister fuck. That sounds so bad. What time is it, Rupy? 58 minutes.

Oh, geez. We got to wrap this up. I can't believe you forgot that story. That's a banger. Jesus Christ, I got a serious text. Oh, God. Are you in trouble? I hate the serious texts.

I'll tell you about it afterwards. Oh, no. Can't stand a serious text. Is it like, I love you so much, or is it like we need to talk? Yeah, it's more of that one. That's a nightmare. Not from the wife. We don't have any serious talks.

Oh, thank God. You know, what are you going to do? Where are you going to be there, Fannie? My ex wants me back. It's one of those ones. J.K. L.L. What day? What?

way what month is it I don't know what the fuck was going on in my life oh well San Antonio we referenced you March 5th through the 7th oh Virginia Beach

that's in next weekend Virginia Beach February 27th and 28 I haven't plugged that fucking show once and then Fort Lauderdale I think it's the improv down there Yes

Yes that's a good room End of March March 27th through the 26th to the 28th I think and I got governors coming up and I got a bunch of other shit coming up great stuff. Check out the Epstein thing on Punch Up Live. I forget the name. We're fucking it up

but it's going to be awesome. Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian, all four specials on YouTube streaming now. Woo! Hey! I'm in Tulsa this weekend. I'm not sure when this comes out. Probably Monday, so that's over. Then I'm in a whopping Flagstaff, Arizona

at the Orphium Theater, Desert Diamond Casino and Swaharita, Indianapolis, almost sold out Buffalo. We'd love to have you at the Helium. Then we're at Comedy Off Broadway in Lexington, Kentucky. Fort Lauderdale as well at the improv. I guess we're back to back. Good Nights in Raleigh. And Spokane, Washington, Philly Helium, Milwaukee, and Irvine Improv, Tempe Improv.

And then we're both going to be at the Netflix. Flicks Fest. Yes. Doing a live pod. That's in May. And Royal Oak, Michigan, Mark Ridley. So, uh... All right.

Hit us on Punch Up. Get on the Patreon. I'm about to do a bonus right now. Things are cooking. Rupy, plug your podcast. What do you got there, slobby job? My podcast is reviewing history. We go through historical movies.

We talk about what's real and fake in them as we crack dick and fork jokes. It's fun. It's fun. All right. Sounds kind of like this pod. All right. All right. All right.

Thank you, folks. We'll see all in hell. So,