Tuesdays with Stories! - #644 Abraham LinkedIn

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

Mark's parents completely miss the big gesture! Joe becomes a gay tourist with Matt Wayne and gets propositioned from a promiscuous elderly bag! Mark wants to go nuts with the promo! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - For a limited time, Tuesdays with Stories fans get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping,  & 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://mengotomars.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Hey, folks, schedule's got a little whack-a-dew, but we're going to make it right. The pod is still going to come out, just going to come out Tuesday. It is Tuesdays with stories after all. That's good point, yeah. Next week. Next week's up. Next week's app will be out Tuesday because I'm going to Austin.

You're going to New Mexico, Vegas, Arizona, someplace. Shee-she. So, she-she-g, gay. So just hold your horses. Yeah. Hi, hippie day day. And if you're mad, right to Chuck, telling me the piece of shit, get really, really irrationally upset with us for the episode coming out eight hours later than normal. We're not in the Epstein files over here.

It's just coming out 12 hours later. I know. We're very busy. We got a lot. We're traveling. I'm in Austin. You're in Vegas. So my sister's gay.

Yes. Georgia's saying, cut it. We'll see you now. Hey! We're here, baby. We're queer. do you tell you I was sick all day? Took a huge dump.

This big. I'm back. Sick all day? We're going to get sick now. I'm going on vacation. I dumped it out. It's out. By the way, that got I chain.

I wore this shirt for five straight days. I'm so glad I took it off. Fabletics. Fabletics. America, baby, right here. We're bringing home the gold. By the time this comes out, we'll be gold medalists. Ooh, curling.

Fucking A, baby. The Winter Olympics suck my dick, except for hockey. Very bold. boring. That one lady fell in her her ass pants split open. Like four,

oh, split open. I saw it like one lady fell like, she kept spilling, which reminded the old gullman joke. Why do you think you fell? Maybe it's so damn

slippery out there. It's like a sheet of ice. He's a funny guy. There's a lot of fun stuff going on. You go back for the drama. No one's actually watching this shit straight through. I'm watching a bunch,

but I've said this every four years or two years, whatever, the Olympics are every six months now. The problem with the Olympics is, it's so hard to know, where we're at. What's at stake? You're watching a skater, and I'm like, they skate, well, it's amazing.

They all high five. I'm like, did she win gold? Is it the first round? Is it the second round? Is the preliminaries? Is it the qualifier? I have no idea. They should say, this lady's skating. If she comes in the top ten, she makes it to the next round. That's why I like the hockey tournament. It's like if this guy wins, they keep going. They lose. They go home.

Skying, same thing. He jumps 300 miles. I'm like, was that good? Was that bad? I have no idea. The jumps, he's flipping and fly. and I'm like, is he having a seizure? Or is this, are we counting every duck and roll? And half these sports is like curling it all looks the same. Yeah. Long jump, it looks the same.

What the fuck it's called? And then the ski down the slope thing. Sorry for the slur, bleep that. This shit. It's like, you got to look at the clock. I'm like, are they doing well or not? I don't know. Like in summer Olympics, it's two guys running.

And you're like, oh, look, he's close. He might catch him. The black one will win. But anyway, and Derek had a fine point or an interesting point, an interesting idea. How do they make basketball Winter Olympics? Winter Olympics do much less...

It's indoor. They play it indoors. They play it during the winter. Interesting. And the winter Olympics don't get the ratings. Yeah. Throw the NBA in there. That's a great point.

You can throw more indoor. It's shooting and all that stuff. Archery, all that crap. How about flag football is going to be an Olympic sport? No. Yeah. Oh, well, that's it. We used to be a country.

I mean, a world, the planet. Oh, my God. Flag football. Skateboarding got in. I didn't see that coming. No, not in a million years. By the way, my tea. I ordered a tea. I just came from Starbucks. I pre-order, whatever you call that. Mobile. Got a brownie and a bucks. Brownie was sitting there. I shoved the brownie right up my ass. Comes out the same. They never made my tea. They were up there doing the chich-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

All kinds of slushy bullshit drinks. And I had to leave. I just donated $4 to Starbucks. Well, send the choo-choo. Well, if only we had somebody who doesn't have all. all that much to do while we're recording to walk over there and pick up a tea that's already been there. But he's watching the WWE vault over there. Oh, God. Where is it?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean. You don't want to go. It's the one in Target, right? I'll go. I'll go. Yeah, it's not in Target. It's not the one in Target.

It's the other way. It's the Barclay. It's in the big building. Oh, downstairs. No, no, it's upstairs. Street level. Street level. Yeah.

That's what I mean. It's. On the outside. So it's not downstairs. It's right on the... Sidewalk. Look it up. You got the Starbucks app, don't you?

You go down Hanson, you take a left. Hansen. Right in there. Yeah. Good band. You'll see it. Um-bop. Mop your way over there.

If I'll get you a brownie, I'll give Audrey a quarter to, Audrey. Get a coffee. I'll bend by you right now. I'll do it. I'll do a small. It's probably not even in there. They probably never made it. Yeah, or a hobo picked it up for warmth.

She wouldn't never made it. Well, don't forget. Should I order something? You want something? I'm good. Are you sure? Yeah, I just had a coffee. All right.

But are you going to do the thing with later on, I'm an asshole, and you go, I went over and got a coffee. I know you. I got to give you extra money or a brownie or something. You want to take the skateboard? No brownie. You're like the mob. You hold a grudge. Oh, I remember Soder, the love of my life, my best buddy, Dan Soder, he would be like, I'll get a cab.

This is when we were broke. And I was like, wow, awesome. And then like 30 minutes would pass. He's like saying goodbye to every Tom Dick and Harry because he knows how to work it. He's shaking hands, glad-handed, and I'm like, buddy, I thought we were leaving. He's like, hey, you're yelling at me. I'm paying for a cow. Right.

But if I know we were doing it, Tom, Dick, and Harry, goodbye. I get my own care. I would have been on the train. I would have been home by now. That's a good move. Smart move. Anyways. People pay for things.

They think they were on the world. Yeah, you got that straight. Well, hey, Prince Andrew got popped. What's that made? Oh, he got arrested. Oh, really? Epstein. Oh, nice.

Things are cooking. Cails are in motion. They got a Norwegian queef. He's off to the slamer, and now they got Prince Andrew. All right. The Americans are fine. Well, these Epstein guys, my God. It's a tangled web.

Show a little class, which reminds me the old Seinfeld win at Bonnick Lewinsky. He's like, if you've got to have an affair, show some class. I mean, if you're going to fuck sex slave, it'd be cool about it. You don't have the whole ring. Well, I don't know why they... You know, when you go to a party and is a guy snapping photos, you're like, all right, man. We're trying to have a good time here. Who is the guy at Epstein's going,

would they hire Salacus? Yeah, good point. Maybe it was Salacus. Would that not be unbelievable if we turned out, Matt Salacus was taking all those photos? Well, the photos would be shakier. I haven't seen Sally in a minute. How was he doing? He alive.

He's good. I saw him last night. Put him on last night and I slept in it. Yeah, he's around. Okay. He's moving and shaking. What do you got? Do I order?

I guess I'll order, but I already order. There should be a drink there, but I'll order again. It's going to be chilly at this point. All right. All right, I'll order a mine because that way, you know, you're not paying because then you'll hold that over my head. By the way, I thought of, sorry. Let's edit this out. Oh, you think this is good stuff?

What do you mean? The public want to know. I'll pass it around. No good? It's up to you. I forgot I was going to say. Oh, damn. You threw me off with the edit.

Who flips? What do you mean? I don't read the comments. I quit the comments. I blocked Reddit. I blocked YouTube. I blocked everything. What's the bill?

What's the beef? I don't want to hear Joe order Starbucks and talk to Chuck. Oh. Oh, we'll be okay. They'll get the engagement up. They'll be okay. There's some joke. We got,

where you got to go? Stay off of that shit. You got to get out of there. Yeah. By the way, I put time limits on Twitter. I blocked AI. Good for you.

You're off GBT already? I live in the free life. Chat, GBT. You were raving about it a week ago. No, no. I blocked the words AI off of my algorithm. Because they got me, Jerry. They kept being like,

we're going to die tomorrow. We're going to die tomorrow. We're going to die in a month. Fuck you. Your father's a robot. My mother's a robot. My father's gay. My father's AI.

I'm a homo. So, yeah, so I'm taking care of business. Get a coffee. Go ahead and put yourself a coffee in there. Hey, I'll take a hotty. Hot coffee. Small with a little milk. They'll be okay.

This is going to be one of the best episodes ever. I'm sitting on a gold mine, Trebush. If you're here, you're only going to knock something over. This is for the best. Blonde roast son, Sarah? Yeah, I'll try a blonde. I don't want you drinking Sarah. I don't you get a medium.

I see. Yeah, you can't have Sarah. All right. You want some milk in there? Chuck can put the milk in. He put the milk in. Who told you put the bomb on? I didn't tell you put the bomb on.

You don't want anything? Get a cookie. Come on, you got a saucer. I know you're going to hold it. A seltzer. You hold. Oh, boy. Salek used took that great photo at the wedding.

Oh, that was nice. You want a cookie, a croissant? No, okay. I already had a lot of sweets. How about this? Peter Rabbit Organics, these little squeezy boxes. Derek, my best friend, was eating them every morning. And finally, some guy at work goes, why are you eating beer?

Baby food, dude. He had no idea. He thought it was just like snacks. My kid loves those. Mine, too. He's got a little bunny on it. Yeah. You're a fucking child.

Derek's a special needs weirdo. Oh, he's got special needs all right. They were serving those at Epstein's Island. All right. It's ordered, baby. Hey. It's got to be under Joseph. So you can get over there at about 45 minutes.

Flat 139 Flat Bush Avenue. Can't miss it. Tank rolling down. Oh, you can miss it. It's actually tucked in there pretty hidden. But there'll be a hobo outside screaming. They'll definitely be a homebo. hobo sexual.

Yeah. Are you got to come in my drink or spit it? I can feel a vibe here. You never get me stuff. No stuff. Oh, I've been to stuff. Many times.

A couple times. Maybe twice. Oh, we have footage. I think one battle after another is a masterpiece. I've watched it three times. That is one hell of a picture. Very good. The Rolling Hills.

I love Leo fighting with that kid at the doorstep. The whole thing's amazing. One of those they-thems? Do you like black girls? I love them. It's incredible. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, please put a dash. A touch. Just a touch. A little cream. Oh, would you remove my tea bag, too? Because I don't want it to be too caffeinated. Is that your real jacket? I'm having a nice time.

What is he talking about? He doesn't know what the fans like. They love this stuff. He reads them. He wants to edit them. I don't like the reading. Yeah, reading sticks. Reading's gay.

What are you going to do? Put this on my list, by the way. I went to Target earlier. Oh, boy. A bag is a nickel now. Put it on my list of shit that used to be free. I know. Bag's got my...

What the hell's happened? Chuck is pointing it. Oh, he did, oh, he's doing a bit. I think he said he quit. He did a little gag. God, I hope so. Well, we haven't had Chuck in a long time. It's been all Lex and Faso. Yeah, yeah. Lex and Lexus.

But yeah, yeah, the other thing is, I swear to God, they're going to charge for milk eventually. You know, you get the milk on the counter. That's coming. That's coming. Put that in your pipe and jizz on it. You're probably right. Yeah, and I think all the chat GBT's and the clods and the thing, that's going to be $20 a month. Easy. No problem. Coming right up. They get you hooked. You need it. And then when

they charge money, you go, I got to have it. Yeah, yeah. So we're fucked. But anyways, we're here. The show's free. It's always free. The Patreon's not. That costs $500 a month. Just kidding. It's $4 a month. That's how much we make. I think it's $6. Yeah. I think it's like six bucks a month. I got tons of stuff. I have been all over creation. Oh, I got my got to get you money too. Please. Yeah. We're at the end of the month, the guts eggs. Period. It's the first. of the month. I miss my Uncle Charles. What was I about to say?

Well, I just had the craziest. I had one of these three flights. I woke up in the fours and flew four a.m. Oh, I hate the fours. Three days in a row, alarm off in the fours, three flights. It was wacky. That's a goddamn nightmare. And I was all, I wasn't me, Jerry.

It was like a low-flow shower head. I just couldn't get going. Right, right. So I'll take you right through it. Please. Wednesday I flew to C-Tac, which is an actual town. It's between Seattle and Tacoma, but it's... So you think it's short for Seattle, Tacoma.

Right. But that's actually the name of a town. C-Tac. Oh, I thought it was the taint between the butthole and the puss. I thought so, too, but it's just C-Tac is a place you live. I'm from C-Tac-Wisconsin. Damn, how about that? Which I think I like Tacoma more than I like Seattle.

Whoa! What's going on there? Well, Tacoma's beautiful. It's underrated. It's quiet. It's got like one little section of gnarly. Seattle's got tons of gnarly. It's all gnarly.

I don't know. I like it. Both are great, of course. Anyway, so I flew, woke up at a 7 a.m. flight, woke up at 4.30 in the morning. Get out to JFK. Go! All the way out there. You fly across the nation.

And I get picked up by my friend Erica, Derek's wife. I've had a great time. We bullshit it catching up. It was nice. I used to go there every three weeks. I remember. So it's sad now because you're like, you know, the kids are old. They got a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

They're married. They're pregnant. Sure. And you're like, God, this is so crazy. And you see them and you can feel. You don't have the heat you had before. Oh, I love the heat with children. They used to be five and eight.

They'd go nuts. I'd blow out of there and stand on my head and take a shit in my mouth. Now it's like, I'm Fonkel Joe. They still call me Funkle, which is nice. But it's like this. Hello, Foncle Joe. Oh, they get old. I know. It's crazy. You lose the innocence. So it's like, it was like a, what do you call that?

Double-edged sword. Bitter sweet. Bitter sweet. Because you're like, I'm back, but I'm flying to Vancouver the next morning. So you know that feeling where you can't really sink into the hang? Yes, I know the sink. It's like, I'm there, but I'm like, I have a flight the next day at 7 a.m. So I'm like, all right, it's like the old Dane Cook joke when you're, you sleep. late, and you're like, I have exactly enough time to do nothing before work. You're like, so you get there, they have a hot tub now, which is pretty fun. He bought a $35,000 hot tub. Who is this guy? Fucking Bill Clinton?

I think it was a big mistake, but he's got a big old six-seat hot tub. Wow. You have a bunch of Asian businessman in there? It's beautiful. You've got to get in a hot tub over there. I love a hot tub. It's a wintery mix. It's chilly, and they got the big tall green trees up there.

Oh, yeah. I might move. I swear to God, I'll do it. Pacific Northwest, baby, here I come. You sink in there. You're sitting in the hot tub. It's great. I had four cigar.

I was like, I'm away from the baby. I'm there for a day. I'm like, take me straight to the cigar store. I bought 350 cigars. Hell yeah. Hit that hot tub. The stars are out, whatever. But I was just anxious because you're like, what do you want to do?

We could go to the beach. I'm like, well, I've just traveled all day. I woke up at 4 a.m. I'm so tired. Yeah. Do you get a nap on the plane? A little bit. It's tough to nap on the plane.

It's tough to nap. A hard nap. Thing about it. But anyways, he hadn't seen one battle after another, so he's like, you've got to put this movie in your ass. And so we watched it. He's like, this is amazing. I'm like, and he's one of these guys, too. He's got a job and a wife.

Right. He's like this. What is it? I'm like, you haven't heard of this film? And they go, how long is it? I'm like, you never heard of it? Yeah, these dads are you going to so much free time. Right.

It's limited. So anyways, it was fucking great. We have the hot tub. We sit out there. We played some shit. They have a big trampoline now, too. When's the last time you jumped around on a trampolade? I love a tramp.

I grew up on trampolades. You're gassed after like two minutes. I didn't realize it's like exercise. Oh, it works the core, Jerry. I was bouncing, and then Erica gets in, and she's... We're two adults, so we have a little kid in there. Oh, yeah. We were sending them to the fucking moon.

Double bounce is no joke. It was crazy, and then you play Crack the Egg, so you've got to go like this, and then, you know, two jumps, and he's like, whoa! Yeah, but you realize how dangerous. That metal coil is a death circle. Well, I said it as I'm bouncing. bouncing around. Now I'm 44 years old, for God's sakes, and soon. And in the middle of it, I'm like, isn't this kind of danger? She's like, oh, yeah. And you're in the woods and all the stuff. My father's gay.

And one leg goes through that open area, and your balls are gone. I mean, ankles, knees, the whole thing. And then the kids, like, rolling underneath you and you're like, what do you? And I'm about seven feet in the air. He's, like, running underneath me. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit? That and diving boards were just like a neck snapper. Absolutely. So that was fun. So we had. We went. trampoline and then I bought him a kettlebell. What? 40-pounder.

You didn't fly with that. No, no, right, Amazon, but then I got it. So I was showing them the kettlebell action. They haven't touched it since. It's collecting dust. That sounds about right. But it was nice because you hit the trampoline, you hit the kettlebell. I actually got a workout.

Hey, you need that after those flights. They'll kill you. So you jump into the hot tub. That's fun. Then the next morning we wake up, send the kids off to school. You wait for the bus. You go get a breakfast. You get a donut.

We went to Pows Donuts. Shout out in Tacoma. Best Donut in America. They go powwow. B-A-O. Is it a Filipino brother? I think they're all Filipino or Vietnamese, whatever it is. I watched that doc on the plane one time.

Yeah, so did I. One of those jungle people. It's like 80% of the donuts in America are from, is it Philippines? I thought it was Vietnam. Maybe it's V. I thought it was in Vietnam. They fled the war, and then they were like, like we'll make some donuts.

Maybe it is. Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, well, either way. Well, Chuck could look it up if he wasn't getting this coffee. This guy's good for nothing. Any fart, there might be two tease over there, by the way. That's true.

But anyways. It'll tease me. So the next night, I'm in Vancouver. Now, please interject here because I'm just going through this whole shit. I'm riveted. So the next day, I'm going to Vancouver. No wonder you couldn't get a good hang in because the clock's ticking. Well, and there's something about international travel.

You need the passport. So every 10 minutes you like, do I have my passport? Oh, that's true. Especially these days. Yeah. You're like, I'm doing this all day long. Fuck me, the passport. And then there's just something to be.

You get there. And now Canada, America has this fucking rivalry thing going on. You got the hockey jersey on. They don't like that. So I have my face painted, just black, but whatever. So you fly out. You're just unsettled. Yes, yes, settled.

And the traffic from Tacoma to Seattle. and then your friends driving you. So it was just stressful. Yeah, it's like trying to jerk off with a time window. Exactly. You know, and you're like, oh, I can't get a groove. I can't see Peter. Also, I'm going to Vancouver.

I have two shows, but two different venues, which is funky. Wait, what? Well, we sold out the first show, the Rio Theater, which is like a movie theater. Oh, fun. We sold that out, but then they had another show coming in already. It's a festival. It was JFL Vancouver. Got it.

Which that's the other thing that makes it a little more stressful. You get so used to your life. You're like, I go to the hotel, I have my opener, I jerk off, I look at the Epstein files. Sure. But now I don't have my regular opener because it makes sense to bring Matt all the way to Vancouver. So I'm like, I don't have my opener. I'm in two different venues. In two nights.

In the same night. Oh, in the same night. Whoa, that's unheard of. And I took the later flight because I wanted to maximize my time with my buddies. Maximus. So you fly there and you're like, all right, I have 80 minutes to go for a walk or nap or jerk off and shower before I get picked up. So it was very stressful. I bet Yaakov Smyranoff in the elevator.

Oh, in Russia, elevator rides you? 75 years old, new baby. What? Get out of here. That's what I heard. Wow. Better than an old baby. By the way, you think he's a tall guy?

How tall you think that guy? I'd say 5'8. I think he's about 5'8. I thought he was like 6'6. Really? Yeah, in the old videos. I thought he was like a big tall guy. Also, I assume Russians are big men, I think because of Rocky or Putin.

Right. Good point. Yeah. So he was little. I met him on the elevator. He was very nice. Bullwinkle. It was also funny because he's like, I'll be seeing you around.

And I'm like, well, I've been doing comedy 25 years. He's been doing it 50. We just bumped into each other for the first time. Yeah. Where am I going to see you? Exactly. Not going to happen. But anyways, not going to work here anymore.

Anyways, so I meet him. And just like I was saying, you got to, hour, so you're like, should I jerk off? Should I watch the news? Should I do pushups? Should I go outside? I know. Those small windows are tough because I end up looking at my phone. And then you go, oh, 30 minutes went by. I had 60. Now it's half. Now I'm down to 30. So I went out, walked around, ate Chipotle, came back, got picked up, go to the Rio Theater, which I'm like, hey, great, theater. This is exciting. 350 seats sold out. It's like an old cinema. It's like a movie house. It's got ceilings

580 feet high Now one of these theaters are dying So I'm like Oh, all right And then like the opener who was very funny Samuel was his last name Shit Beckett

No Clemens He had a great bit Josh Samuel Fuck Trevor Samuel I'll have to plug it in Yeah

boy Samuel I didn't know we needed Chuck He was funny He had a great joke He goes, he's like, as a Jew, I don't really like this they, them stuff. He's like, that was our pronoun. We had that pronoun way before.

All through time, people have been like, what are they up to? Oh. We've got to round them up. Hey. He's like, to this day, if you're traveling abroad and someone's like, what are they doing? They're like, the Jews. That's good. That's good.

He had some great bits. Call in if you know this Jew. Adam Sandler, Samuel. Samuel's the last name. Okay. Samsonite. I didn't know that was a Jewy name. Well, I don't know.

He's a... The dad's a Samuel. Oh, Jacob. Samuel. That's a Jew. J.S. Jerry Seinfeld. There you go. Jeannie Simon. John Steinbeck.

Hey, hey, folks, Tuesday's stories brought to by Blue Chew. Fellas, it's time to level up your dick game. Blue Chew just drop. Blue Chew Gold, baby. Blue Chewold is a 4-1 tablet mixed with key ingredients to increase blood flow and your arousal. Blue Chewold gold dissolved. in under, under your tongue. It works in as little as five minutes,

so you want to have to wait long for the fireworks. Woo-hee! Blue chew, you can't deny it. This stuff works. It's good. It's quick. It's reliable. Oops, sorry. That was my dung getting erect. Get on it, folks.

Why take the risk? You got the pills. You know, I always hear people of this generation are soft. Well, that would blue chew. Get your confidence back in a single tell and make life easier by getting harder. Discover your options at bluechew.com. We've got a special deal for Tuesdays with stories fans. Get 10% off of your first month of Bluechew goal with code Tuesdays.

That's promo code Tuesdays. Visit bluechew.com for more details and safety information. Today stories brought up by Fabletics. New workout gear just makes you feel good. You look good. get the new VIP membership, makes it easy to upgrade athletic and lounge wear at an amazing price. Sign up as a new VIP Fabletics member and get 80% off everything. And that, after that, the membership is about 70 bucks a month.

Your monthly membership includes credit you can use toward a full outfit or bundle up to 100 bucks. Skip any month you like. Fabletics reminders mean there are never any surprise charges. I got to just say, I'm wearing the pants right now. I wear the jacket every goddamn day. These clothes look good, they feel good, and I wear them. I love them. I mean, they got hoodies, zip-ups, track pants, sweaters, the T-shirts.

The T-shirts are killer. I just can't say enough good things about these clothes. And I know a membership is scary, but you can cancel any time, get a premium fit, feel and performance at a fraction of the price with Fabletics. Fabletics already has incredible deals, but we've got to be. We've got an exclusive offer just for Tuesdays with stories fans. Get 80% off everything when you sign up as a VIP. Just head to fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Take a quick style quiz and be sure to select Tuesdays when prompted to unlock your 80% off.

You can't beat that. That's fabletics.com slash Tuesdays. Fablatics. So I go to the Rio and he's like, yeah, this room is, you know, it's going to be whatever. And I'm like this. This is my big theater show. I'll never do a movie theater again because they serve popcorn and I bomb so hard. I could hear the hush.

I was like, I'm out. It smelled like popcorn. And it was good. It was fun. It was like a good show. All right. But you're like, this is not hot. So you finish the show.

And it was not. They were all very nice. It was very good, good show, solid show. Nice. Okay. Then we're off to the fuck. I forget the name of it. Some rock and roll club.

Ooh. Do you feel cool? you're leaving one club to do another. It feels very cool. You're not used to doing two shows in two different venues. Yeah. So we get in and he's like,

this show's going to be way better, way hotter. Now, I feel bad because these are all the people that didn't buy the first ones, like the diehards. Got it. They bought up the seats first. They scooped them.

So these are the, they scooped the nibblets. So this is the second group. We travel across, it's kind of a seedier neighborhood. Okay. We go in the back. This is like the ceiling you can touch.

It's like the cellar. Oh, okay. It's a rock club, low stage. The stage is this high. Everything I love, hottest show of my life. Come on. I'm not kidding. The number one best crowd reaction audience headlining show I've ever done.

And the whole time I'm thinking, these poor people. At the Rio. They bought the tickets up. They were like, oh, Jillis is coming. Give me those tickets. And then you add a show in a much better venue. Wow. How many seats was that?

I don't know. 200, something like that, 300. Yeah, yeah. Tight. So it reminded me of when I did Toronto in 2017. with Louis, we did the Scotia set, like the arena. And then he added Massey Hall, legendary Massey Hall. And that show, again, 18,000 people bought tickets before this one.

It's like a 300 times better. They got the better show. Thomas Massey. So you want to say, hey, wait for the second show. But who knows if there'll be a second show if you don't buy the first tickets. I wonder if the locals, they know the venues. So they're like, yeah, Rio. Whoa, look at this one.

This is way better. They might have known it was the hot room. I mean, it was fire, but it's all about the setup. Because for the rest of my life, if I become Shane Gillis, I want to work on a stage three inches high with people sitting right there. I know, it's just better. It's just better for our medium. You're like, what do you want to blow me, you bitch?

Exactly. The movie theater, you're like, look at that guy. It was so intimate and rock and roll. If people were going to take a piss, you think they're coming on stage. You're like, Jesus, fine. I think it's a laugh. I always say comedy's supposed to be like an orgy. It's got to be a little sticky, a little hot, and tight.

I like that. You don't want it all. You don't want a warehouse orgy. You're going to, well, who's that fat chick over there? You know, it's too far. You want it connected. A small road. This is a good orgy room right here.

This is an orgy room. Something to think about. All right, I'll get the oil. Boy, Chuck's been gone a while, and I feel bad. He's got, you know, he's not swift, and his near-do-wells around here. Yeah, yeah, something's up. By the way, my parents are in town, and they're like, subway. guys. They're like, oh, we'll take the subway. And I'm like, it's 11 p.m. Let me get you at Uber.

Like, we won't take an Uber. So they'll just go out to Barclays in the rain with these crazy trench coats on. And they're old with a cane. And they're just wandering amongst the derelicks. Didn't he fall too? Like three weeks ago? Yeah, he fell. It wasn't pretty. Oh, geez. You know how he fell? Are they up there? I don't know. No, no. They're not here. They're out to lunch in the city. Thank God. Hey! Hey! What a guy! Look at this guy. Our hero. Favorite producer of all time.

No brownie? I ordered a brownie. This feels like a Rupert's game. This is hilarious. I went there earlier. I got a brownie and a tea. They gave me the brownie, but not the tea. So now I have given them one brownie and one tea.

I've donated $10 to Starbucks. You got some brownie on your lip there. What's up with that? You also got a brownie and a tea overall. Yeah. That's pretty good. There you got. You got a big ass coffee.

Oh, I wanted a little guy, but thank you, Sarah. You did the ordering. All right. Thank you, Chuck. You're a good man. Thank you, Spider. Thank you, Chuck. Oh, I just spilled it on my nuts. Sue them. Like that McDonald's bitch. Oh, yeah. Tor his balls open or a vagina open on that.

Did you see that doc? No. It's amazing. Hot coffee. Yeah, no, it's, it's, oops, sorry. It's crazy. And it's horrible. She had, like, fucking horrible burns all over her pussy. And then Seinfeld and everyone, like, made fun of her. It was, like, the worst thing that's ever happened.

Remember that Geraldo joke? Oh, my God. One of my favorites. That's a great joke. He's like, she said a headline that said, Man burns his genitals in the shower. And he's like, it's a hell of way to test the water. He does the whole act out of his... One of my favorite jokes. Leading his balls into the shower.

Yeah. Good times. Anyways, whatever that show was, whatever that second venue was, one of the best shows of my whole fucking life. Wow. It was insane. It was like, it was crazy. You ever try to do when you have these great shows or bad shows, you do the psychology?

You know, you've got a 4 p.m. show sells out because you sold out the other two. And you're like, well, are they going to be hot? Because they're like, yes, he put another one on there. Or are they going to be horrible because they're like, you're lucky we showed up at 4 p.m. Right. See, you always try to do the psychology. So with that one, I wonder, did they see a second show get added?

They were like, hell yeah. Well, I think that's part of it. I think it's all venue. This venue is pitchblatt. Like the Rio, I could see every face in the place. It's kind of lit. It's a 45-foot high stage. Ah, the face act.

Deep room. I mean, this one was pitch, black low on you and I think that's a lot of it. Hell yeah. It was a little later. It was more of a bar. People were probably drinking more. Yeah, so I like that. I'm doing Pittsburgh and they go, hey, you want to do the

improv and I don't really love that improv. I don't know if you've been there. Yeah, I have done it. Something's tough. It's out in the burbs. It's retards, whatever. So I said, I'll do Pittsburgh. I'll do two at the improv and he goes, we got this crazy rock room that all like the alt guys like the Kyle Canaan's

and those types. And I said, put me two nights in there. So I'm doing two of the improv, two and there. Mix it up. I like that. So you get to do Pittsburgh, but you're not just stuck in a corporate chain club. And the audience, they get to chew. Yikes, that is a gnarly

dude. Oh, that was like a... Oh, he stopped. Oh, my God. What's that guy? That Denzel movie? Book of Eli. That guy had like fucking dirt on him from the biblical times. Yeah, he had socks on his hands, like mankind. Big white.

Hood, dirty. Yeah, that was a, that was a coo-o-o-o-h. Cook and a half. Anyways, yeah, I think that's nice, because you give options out, which is nice, and I don't know. And we were in our part in our career where we can dilly-dally

a little bit. Hey, let me do a little this, a little that. You got some options. Yeah, yeah. I was like, please have me in whatever room. Options is big. Oh, yeah. So, let me throw this one at you. Please. Ooh, off the dick. So parents are coming in town

And this is a big step for my parents They go, hey, we're coming in town We want to see the boy We're old, who knows how much time we have, he's gay So I said, good idea Come on up And they go, no problem Do you mind how many miles do you have

Do you mind covering our flights Which they never would do So that was a big deal that they asked So I was like, I got you So I hit my guy I said, get my parents two first class flights They've never flown first class Wow

That's surprising. Two first-class flights, two New York, two LaGuardia, then the sweet in the pot. I said, hire a cum-guzzling limo. I'm talking tinted windows, black car, the guy with the suit and the little hat and the sign. All right. I want an airport pickup. All right. And the guy was like, all right, I'm on it.

So I spent all the money. Then I got him theater tickets. What a son. What theater? What show? O Mary. Oh, Mary. Mary? That's the hot show

with all, it's a Mary Todd, Lincoln's wife. Oh, I know about Mary Todd. Yeah, it's a comedy about Lincoln's wife and her side of the story. Boy, Lincoln just keeps cooking this guy. You've got the Spielberg movie, you got the theater, you got the penny, the nickel, whatever the hell he's on.

John Wilkes Booth had a show for a minute. It's crazy. I mean, that Lincoln really, he freed those slaves and my God, he's lasting. Don't forget the penny. I think I said the penny. Oh, he said the penny. Yeah. They might be retracting the penny.

Camden did that. They're way ahead of us. Penny Lane. But either way. So, and you got the Lincoln car. Lincoln Memorial, Lincoln Tunnel, Lincoln, Nebraska. Oh. Lincoln Logs.

Oh, man. You're right. Lincoln is moving. Lincoln. That's a... LinkedIn. Chain and the link. Abraham Lincoln.

The chain. Not bad. Okay. Thank you. All right. So. This is cold. Ah, geez.

Fucking Chuck. Mine is blazing hot. This might have been the original one. Oh. Is it two there? So they just fucked me on the first one. I'm just donating money over there. You know what it is?

Nobody gets tea there. We're in a black neighborhood with a bunch of roughnecks. No one's getting fucking tea. I guess so. But it comes out, a sticker pumps out and says, pour this. Yeah, it's a black tea. It was hot when I took the, when I did your shirt. short steep for you?

Well, you took a long time getting back. Did you get lost? We were worried about you. No. Check your only face. You know what? Check the time. You could check the time on the side. See if it's the original. Ooh, check the time. Well, it's all faded.

2.47 p.m. It's the original. Wow. 247 p.m. Then yours must not have been ready. When you're done here, you can go get yours on the way home. That's crazy. There was no other one. It tastes very steep.

It's all very extremely steeped up. Steep is good, right? You want steep. 247 p.m. That's a long steep. And I left there at 257 p.m. So that's 10 full minutes. Man.

Then they hadn't started making it. That's exactly what must have happened. Because there was no other cups there that were hot even. So both times it took 10 minutes. But that's what's crazy. They're making all these pink drinks with a fucking side of cum. This is just water. Yeah, you got that right.

Oh, my God. Seriously? We're going. We go, all right. This is steep prices. All right. Your parents are here. You got the theater tickets.

So I got them on a first class seat. They're excited. My mom's like, oh, my God. You didn't have to do this. Blah, blah, blah. So I go, well, text me when you land. Can't wait to hear from you. I got a surprise.

So they're like, oh, okay. So I text the guy. He's the chauffeur's down there with the sign. He's got the hat. He's ready. And so I go do a pod. So then I get off the pod and I got a million texts from the chauffeur. And I was like, huh, what's up with this?

But I was busy. And then my text, my mom, you're at the hotel? And she was like, yeah. And I was like, how's that ride? She was like, ah, a little smelly. I was like, wait, what? They missed the guy. They just walked by them?

My parents have such low self-esteem. They saw a guy with a sign that says Liz and Rick Norman. And they went, that ain't for us. they walk right by. I swear to God. That's on the guy. Fuck that guy. This guy should be looking out for them.

You should say, hey, look for these two assholes. They're two elderly Nazis with a limp and dandruff, and he missed them. Did you send a photograph and say, hey, keep your eyes peeled? No, I should have done a photograph. But I figured, hey, this guy's got a publisher's clearinghouse check with their name on it. They can't miss it. Well, I think these people, they're fronial. the 50s, they think I'm getting

run. That's a trick. Because I think all these people look at the city as like New York City, heads up, duct tape your wallet to your asshole. They're going to fucking come. They're going to take our necklaces. They're going to rape our wives. And if they saw the sign, they probably were like, oldest trick in the book.

They probably googled who's on the plane, came up with a name because the people in other countries are calling them on the phone saying you won Publishers Clearing House. We got free movie tickets. They probably thought it was a rook job. I guess so, but it was a big

rook in my ass because I wasted all the money and all the effort, because you want that moment. You want to, like, oh, my God, he got us a car. My dad's a big, he's a big queef, so he'll get in the back of that thing like Kevin McAllister and start pouring drinks. So what they did? They just got

a yellow cap? They got an Uber, like a bunch of Roobes. Oh, geez, rubers. And they spent, Rubber Murdoch, but they spent all this money getting an Uber because they're staying up in 66, Street. Why come the staying so far

away? They got a free hotel from a friend. They got fucking free everything these people. A bunch of

freeloaders. Yeah, they're mooching me. Well, so. Doesn't skip a generation I guess.

Wow. So, yeah, so now they're staying here for the next tomorrow. They're staying here. Oh,

okay. And they're here for like two weeks, right? Yeah, I'm leaving, but they'll be here. I got gigs.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, wife. She'll be dealing with them. But they're babysitting. That's nice.

So that takes a load up. But yeah, they're real, they're really spruce. The idea of the booch. My parents, coming to New York at all, but coming to New York, and then I'm out of town

is like bananas to me. Oh, I can't wait. I set up extra gigs. How about this? You ready for this? Guess what I'm leaving town. So I got the special coming out. So I'm doing,

I hired like a real publicist. Coming out or coming up? Coming up to come out. Wait. Huh? I'm all. of my timeline. You shot the special in the can. It's coming out.

Where did you shoot it? Remind me. Boulder. My brain is... Oh, that's right. Okay, that's right. Now, I got to get reminded of things. And Sam's about to shoot in Tampa. Yes. All right. And Soder shoots in October. My rods and cones are all screwed up. Okay, I remember now. You shot in Boulder. It's coming up soon. In March. Mid-March, we'll say. I don't know how much

I'm allowed to divulge because Netflix is... Not only does Netflix make you do all the promoting. They make you wait to promote. Right. Which is so strange. I'm like, shouldn't we just promote all the time? But whatever. They got their gay rules.

It's all funky. Yeah, it's all pipes. So, uh, what the hell is that talking about? Boulder, it's coming up, March, why are you leaving town? I hired a publicist. I spent a couple of coin on this real hot shot L.A. Cief. Okay.

He is cooking. He got, he said, what do you want? I said, I want this. I want to do Dana Carvey, David Spinn. I want to do hot ones. I want to do the view. Put me out there. The view.

I want to do the view. and burn it down. You can't do the view. Are you kidding me? Well, that's what the guy said. He goes, if you do the view and act a fool, they're never going to have you back. I'm like, I don't care. Let me do a one and done.

You got to be careful on the view, though, because they'll send it out to their fucking bees hide. These people are serious. These are the people that will, what do they call that when they put out your address and come and murder you? They'll docks you. These coops. I can't think of a word. These coozes. They're crazy.

Yeah, they're crazy coozes. Whoopi was on Epstein's list. Is that right? Yeah, they came out. Boy. She said, can I go to the island? They said, no thanks. So she asked to go.

They have an email saying, no thanks. They saw Whoopi's name, and they went, she's a vibe killer. Well, respect to Whoopi, but if you're trying to get hard and fuck some kids, you don't want to see Whoopies. You got that right. My God.

By the way, this will be a great video to put together. We take this. Whoever Salak used will hire someone to do it. and put his name on it. But you take this, then you put the clip of you saying the N-word on the view, and then you have the video of all the backlash. That's a nice little video. I love it.

Get Lex on there. So, yeah, I asked to go. Chuck's right there. Okay. I figured he's busy. He's getting coffee. But I asked to go on Club Shay-Shay. What's that?

No. You know Shay-Shay-Shay. I don't know Shay Stadium. She-Shay Stadium. They tore it down. City Field now. Shee, Shee, Shee, Shee, Shee, Shee Shee. Shee your booty?

Yeah, well, no, I'm just goofing around. But, hey, Clef Shee Shee Shee. Oh, Shee Sheff. I didn't know the name of the show. Okay, I know that he has a show, and I know Shannon Sharp is, yes. It's a very homosexual name, and I hate saying it's Shea, but... I never would have guessed that the name of his show is Shea-shea. But he's having me on, which is...

Wow! That's the one Cat Williams did that... That's right. He was like, yeah. I think he was like, these people suck. This guy sucks. So I'll suck on it, but I'm going in. Now, does he ask sports questions?

Do you need me to beef? I want to be like Newman, an earpiece. Oh, I love that. That was the greatest game of all time. You're like, that was the greatest game of all time. Well, Bert just did it. And it was just about Burt stuff. Okay.

No sports. Oh, good. So I'm pumped. And it's good to get out in the different worlds because we all, hey, do Bobby Lee. Oh, we do Santino. Oh, we do Theo. Oh, we do Kill Tony. Oh, oh, we do the.

It's like, they know us. Every time I talk to Danny Frankel, he's like, you got to get on a cooking show. You got to get on a fucking gardening show. I want to jizz on Rachel Ray and Kweef on Martha Stewart. Let's mix it up. Right. I'm trying to get on Miss Rachel, but they won't let me near the kids. What's that?

That's my impression of Miss Rachel. She always goes, ooh, I'm sad. Sometimes you get sad. I'll send you the clip. I mean, I watch a lot of Miss Rachel. I've never seen her to do that. Oh, that's a meme of her doing that. Oh, oh, okay.

So it sounds like you saw a meme. I saw a meme. I got you. I'm like, I watched the program all day. I've never seen that once. I can't stand her. Yeah, I like her. All right.

Well, I got some problems with her, but she's pretty cool. The show's good. My son likes it. She seems like a good hang. I'd like to make love to her. Wow. I'm excited to see some of these appearances. The view, though, I got to put my foot down.

I think this is no good. Well, that's what he said the same thing. He's like, you don't want to, you don't want to fuck around on the view. Let me fuck around. No, they're too, it's, that thing, that could end your whole life.

What? They'll come at you, Jerry. These are crazy people. I'm not going to call her a fat Edward. I'm just going to go, hey, what's up with this, you ditsy cunt? But people have gone on the view

and been like, yeah, I don't know. I went to Israel one. What? Anything can get you in trouble there. Yeah, you can say, well, I feel a little fat. You can criticize yourself

and they get mad. Oh, weird. You don't know about the view? Look up some view cancellation crazy. That's the whole thing. I thought they were just a bunch of cackling old bags who were yapping about shopping. I'm telling you, you're getting trouble over there. Wow.

It's the woken-woke-picy, PC politically boobly groups. How did we've gotten so far? It's a show with a bunch of menopausal skanks and we're like, be careful. Don't ruin your life. I'm like, it's supposed to be a daytime show with a bunch of yappy broads. on it. Maybe I'm wrong. Am I crazy? Isn't the view like it's like enemy territory over there?

Wow. But I guess you get the viral and then you take it out and then your fans love it. My thing is just no one from the view is going to be like, we like the cut of this guy's Jim. The people of the view come and watch you, they're going to be like, we got to shoot this guy. No, no. They'll

hate my guts. But yeah, I figure I could get a clip and then that'll be up there. Yeah, maybe you're right. It could be right. Well, Norm went on there and and cut a rug and was like, Bill Clinton killed a guy. And they were like, Jesus Christ, Norm, shut up. What are you talking about?

It was hilarious. All right. I don't know anything about the business, but that makes me nervous purpose out of service. Maybe they killed Norm. What the hell do I know? You're talking about it. I'm like, you're a Mossad.

How did it work out for him? I guess so. What are you looking at? I think Norm McDonald probably said O.J. Simpson killed someone. No, no. That's a Clinton. You said Cosby? I thought I said Bill Clinton.

I think he said Clinton, too. Anyway, I can't find anything because looking up a TV show and canceled is all about the TV show. I just think it's crazy over there. It's a scary place. It's not a safe space for us. I guess you're right. But that's why I wanted to go in. I wanted to get behind enemy lines and cause a ruckus.

I caused the ruckus, but I'm worried. Now you're worried me. Maybe they killed Barbara Walters. She's good. Is she dead? She's dead. Oh, geez. Wow.

I can't keep track of anybody. Yeah, she banged. What was that guy? I think she's being Will Chamberlain. Wow. She had a black thing. No kidding. Well, I know that her and MLK and Helen Keller were all born the same year.

Whoa. Not Helen Keller and Frank. I always confuse. Oh, yeah. And Frank, MLK and Barbara Walters. Isn't that crazy? And Frank wasn't allowed to talk either. Who else wasn't?

Oh, never mind. Bad joke. Helen Keller. They both couldn't talk because she was in an attic. I know. I confuse them. They're all wacky lady. They're young women who didn't exist.

Well, people give me shit because they're like, how can you confuse those two? I'm like, they're the only two young girls that we learned about in school. That's true. You learned about two adolescent ladies, so that's why I confuse them. Yeah, I guess so, but Keller, they didn't write no book, I'll tell you that. I thought she did. That was what she was famous for. What is she going to use a crayon and a hand stamp?

I mean, she couldn't see, read, talk, eat shit. No, she could read. That was the whole point. What? I thought she was blind, deaf, dumb, and gay. That's why she was famous, though. She learned to read and communicate, right? Oh, you're thinking of a Coco the Monkey.

Isn't that why we know Helen Keller? She learned to read and write, despite being blind and deaf. Just the most retarded person. So that's why she was, like, number one, retarded. I think she went on the view and fucking said Nazi. I think she could read. Okay. She could read.

Yeah, that's why we know who she is. Otherwise, she would just be the same Tom, Dick, and Harry dummy. You know, that sucks for Floyd Mayweather. He can't read. How much does that suck that Helen Keller is a better reader than you? He can't read. He cannot read. That was the big 50-cent joke.

He goes, I'll give you a million dollars if you read one page of Harry Potter. Oh, that's funny. I mean, how funny is that? I'm missing everything. I'm watching too much Rachel over here. Yeah, yeah. You've got to watch some grown-up TV. All right, well, I'm excited.

Get on the view and let's... Boy. Yeah, we'll see. I want all of the view. Tell them you on SNL, by the way. I could use a... couple hondo. Oh, yeah. I don't think I can get on that. I think you get on. Your, your, your, uh, S&L soda thing. I've just,

planted right in the brain. That is gold. Yeah. Well, it's all soda. I mean, I'm just the messenger. Still, still. Still. I'm glad you told me. Still, still. I like to go in fresh. I'll stop short. I got a wild one when you're, oh, okay. Hey, folks, Tuesday's stories brought you by Mars Man. Let Mars Men help you. and back the clock, Marsman helps optimize your body's natural testosterone production. You'll feel improvements in your energy, strength, and focus. Take capsules daily in the morning with food, no synthetics, no needles. Marsman has real ingredients like zinc, boron, and vitamin D.

Yeah, most Americans, I think like 85% of Americans are lacking in vitamin D. So this is a great way to get things moving. Testosterone's good. Zinc, I take all the tough. that helps me from being sick. This is good stuff. And it tastes good. It's nice.

I like it. Mars Men has made in the USA and a third party lab tested with a 90-day risk-free trial. You have to check it out. For a limited time, two-send-stories fans get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts at men go to mars.com. That's men go to mars.com for 50% off and three free gifts. when you check out. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about it. Support the show and tell them Tuesdays with Stories Sentia. It's all pipes, folks. Marsman. Hey, folks, Tuesdays brought about Shopify. There's never been a better time to launch your new business with Shopify. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the USA. They got the tools to help you grow your business and succeed. Choose from hundreds of templates and customized to match your brand. Shopify's

built to scale with your business. Reach your customers wherever they are. Create social and email campaigns on their built-in marketing tool. Start your business today with Shopify, the industry's best business partner and start hearing, chiching, sign up for your $1 per month trial at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. That's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Chee-choo! Well, so I left Vancouver. I fly to San Francisco the next morning.

One of my favorite towns in the world. I think it's my favorite city. I mean, it just, it's always been one of my favorites, but it just shot right up the charts. It is the crown jewel of the United States. I mean, it is just the most beautiful city. It's like being in Madrid or something. I know.

The architecture, the street layouts, the people, the pier, the sea lions, the trolleys. The hills. The food. It's fucking unbelievable. North Beach, the Italian food. How's the Italian food in this restaurant? We went to this place called Louises.

It was fucking fantastic. Another place called Aquilino, Carly Aquilino. Incredible. Incredible food. We went to the Mrs. Doubtfire house. We went to the full house house. Matt Wayne and I had the gayest day in the history of days.

We got up, went to breakfast together, a place called Home Plate, which was out of this world. which cost $350 fucking dollars for a scrambled egg and a potato. Almost as much as a Starbucks order. It was, I mean, it wasn't that much of good, but it was hefty.

So we went to home plate, great breakfast place, and then we went from there, we walked to go see the Mrs. Doubtfire house, then we walked from there to go see the full house house. Are they close? They're relatively close. All right, that's cool.

Beautiful hill. I mean, you can't believe how beautiful these neighborhoods are. And then we went and took a steam at Equinox. Then we went and saw the new Jody Foster French film. Oh, my God. This is so gay. We're just homosexuals. What is this? Pride Week?

But how about this? So we go to all in San Francisco, we go to the full househouse. We're standing outside. It starts raining. Of course. So we're looking at the house. It's like whatever how. You just take a photo. You're like, oh, there it is. Okay. My father's good. It's kind of hilly over there, right? It's got some

grass. Well, they trick you. Ah, they got me. The house, they show the house for a split second. Then they cut to the hill. Yeah, the hill. But we did go to the hill also. Okay, okay.

That hill's amazing. The hills have eyes. My dick loves guys. I don't know. So we go to the house. We see it. We take a photo. The hills are alone.

And everyone's walking by, taking photos. And we're just talking like that. Hey, I ordered a lift. Yeah, we'll go to the movies. We're gay. We'll get a steam. And then I hear. Damn.

Old lady. Oh, that's a loose pussy. Opens her door. Well, that's where I'm going with this. So this old, and I mean old. Older than baseball. She's like 180 if she was a foot. Opens her door, big townhouse and goes,

hey, you boys want some gin or some wine or something like that. Now, I think she's setting us up to yell because we're standing outside of her house talking. So I thought she wanted us to be like, oh, no thanks. Well, then get the fuck out of here. Sure. You know, you have this. There's a sign on the full househouse.

This is a private residence. Right, right. This is a private residence, man. So we go, oh, no, we're okay. And she goes, are you sure? You don't want some wine? She got bare feet. She got the gnarliest flintstone feet I've ever seen with toes all a jar and a stray and wacky and walking.

Sure, sure. She, like a house senile? I don't know. She looked a little bit like your mother if she didn't take as good of care herself herself. Yikes, that's pretty bad. Yeah, it was like an older lady. probably got to be 70s. Okay. So we go,

oh no, we're okay. We're just going to see the house. Oh, yes, the full house house. People love it. Did you love it? And I go, well, we just took a photo. Come on, see my garden. I got a better house. Come see this garden. What the fuck? She's lonely. It's a little bit like, I assume lonely, but a little bit of a horror movie, a little bit porn. Ah, good mix. And it feels so cliche to be like, this is how horror movie starts.

This is how porn starts. But that's where we're at. Yeah. And I go, well, we got a car coming in three minutes. She goes, three minutes is plenty of time to see my garden. Come on in. Whoa, this is kooky. We're looking at each other like, what the fuck do we do? But she's old, so you're like, what's you going to do? But then who knows what she has?

Maybe her son's in there. Good point. Got a machete. So we go in and you kind of step in and it opens. It's like a townhouse. It goes all the way out to the back. You can see the garden. She's like, look at that garden.

Go back there. You went in? Well, we went inside the home. This is Kuku. I got photos of it. I tried to get a photo of her, but I missed it. All I have is her feet. She's blue.

lorry like Bigfoot. So she's, and she had big feet. So she's like, look at that garden. I go, oh, wow, but I'm still like weirdly nervous. It's like a vampire. Don't go in. Don't cross the threshold. Right.

So she goes, you sure you don't want some wine? And I go, no, no, we don't drink. We appreciate it. We're going to see the new Jody Foster film. We're gay. And she goes, well, say hello to my dog. And she goes, Brutus. I came around the dog's name.

Big, I don't know, doodley thing. It gets up and walks up and goes, whoo-room-roo. Oh, here we go. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up. And it just kept barking, which makes me think she's a psycho and he's trying to warn us. Like the dog's like, get out, get out. Right.

Get out. I'm like, what the fuck? And she goes, come on, have a glass of wine. I'm going to have a glass of wine. And we're like, what the fuck is going on? I go, the car's going to be here any minute. She goes, oh, you got time. Is she hot in any way?

Is there any kind of inkling of like, we'll throw her out quickie? Well, for sure, we both were like, we could double up on. this old bag. The dog had its own bed with steps up to it. It was like a little dog bed in there. It was a nice house. Yeah, yeah. I got the photos.

I can't wait to see. So we're like, oh, we're good. And then she handed me a card. I haven't looked it up yet. Oh, maybe I could find. Oh, I have a photo. You could look it up. She's got a YouTube video.

She goes, I have a YouTube video. It did well. Okay, so she's with it. She's lucid. Oh, yeah. She's got a cooking video. Oh, here it is right here. R-I-S-L-E.

Yeah, she's like your mother Yeah I mean her address is on here So don't post this He's the name Whoa Cookey W www.

We're giving her a plug here I mean I'm a little nervous I calling her ugly Maybe we'll bleep some of this I don't want people harassing this lady That's true Be nice to Marie Sending it

Sending it your way So you can look But she's got a YouTube video She goes you got to watch my YouTube video Tell people about it And then you can say you got offered sex from that lady.

And Matt goes, offered sex. You offered us gin. She goes, well, I know where gin leads, boys. Whoa. So she confirmed we could be,

we could have double teamed this this old chef. Wow, this is my mom. I mean, how about, how do you like them apples? This is bananas. This is what every boy dreams of. It was wild that we were leaving.

And then he was like, what if we just did it? It was crazy. I'm like, I think you need a lot of loom. And then Matt was like, you never know. But if she was 20 years older and a guy, I would have gone for it. Yeah, that was the garden. But we were in the home with the dog.

Wow. Now, you're finding anything over there? I bet that garden's full bush. Well, I see your video you sent me. Let me go look at this. Cooze. Okay. I looked up, but there's a thousand videos that say.

Yeah, yeah. We got to bleep all this. I feel like these people will docks her. They'll fuck her in the ass. They'll be knocking on her door trying to get laid. Yeah, that's true. But I did go on stage in front of 400 people, and I was like, if everyone's looking to get laid, go across the street from the full house house house house and knock on that door because there's a desperate old chef in there. She's looking to get filled up.

Cream filling. Yeah. So that was a spicy meatball. And then all day, we were singing the full house song. And I was like, she's a little, she's out there and she's all alone. Is that her? That's her? Yeah.

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, that's an old brood. Yeah. Yikes, she's an old sock. Oh, wow, it's got a couple thousand views. Ah, well, I'll have about 1,000 more after this. Oh, wow. Oh, she's a cook.

Look at that. It's got almost a million views. This is from 14 years ago, though. That's a great house. Is that the house? That might be the house. This might be a studio. I don't know.

Oh, she looked much better there. This is 14 years ago. Oh, wow. She still looks old, though. That's almost a million views. Quarter of a million views. Oh, this is it. Just put the fucking turkey in the,

the oven. Oh, she's a crass old bra. That's the hook. Look at that. Wow. She was better looking then. We're going to have to somehow protect this ladies. Give her a like and a share and say hello for a much. Because I'll feel bad if she sees this. It'll be like the Scott Hamilton

thing all over again. Oh, Hamilton. Oh, boy. Good play. Wow, that is a crazy tale. It was something, and she's a bit of a celebrity. By the way, seeing this now and seeing that she's been on stuff or like made, gotten views. I assume she had like 300 views.

Ah. And was like just crazy, but who knows? Still strange to invite two random quiffs into the home for cocktails and a garden look. You know what I should do? This might, this is, hear me out. Oh, this is good. Uh-oh.

This is what these young women do. I should go back, find her, contact her, befriend her, get divorced, but like, you know, as a faux divorce, marry her, weighed out the death. That house is going to be worth $8 million. Get the property.

That's not bad. She's lonely. She's by herself. I like dogs. I like it. Ah, yeah, dogs. So, you know, that's not bad. That's not bad.

You get that beautiful primo real estate. I mean, she kicks off. Now all of a sudden, I'm living across the street from the Tanners. Everywhere you look, there's an old bro. When you're lost out there and you're all alone. The light is waiting to carry you home. Come inside, boys. Yeah, it was pretty hot.

But, man, best weekend of my life, Cobb. I sold the most tickets I've ever sold and the most money I've ever made. Went out to eat. We ate dinner. MC was great. I've got to give a shout out to Miriam Munsavi. There you go. She was hilarious and great.

Just a treat. Matt Wayne was killing. The manager over there. Cody, Jim McCambridge. The photographer, you know him? Yeah, he's good. He's fantastic. One of the best photographers I ever saw.

You rent a car out there? No, he just walked around everywhere. We walked 20 miles a day. It was crazy. We were 18,000 steps a day. It was fucking unbelievable. Did you see downtown? Is it dicey and shady?

We drove through the tenderloin. It's still the tenderloin. But I think the Super Bowl had just happened, so I think they were sweeping them up. But also, I saw a tweet from, I'm all jacked up on caffeine. I saw the tweet from the mayor. They're doing a new thing. They're arresting people.

If you're doing drugs in public, they're arresting you. That new guy is the tops. he's lunch. That guy's going to change that whole city and turn it back around. I'll fucking move there. I swear to God I'll do it. Cobbs, San Francisco, that city, that club, I mean, that neighborhood, North Beach. Can't beat it. It is just fucking unbelievable. It's one of those towns where you just can't stop taking photos. I know. Look at that. Look at that. I took 800 photos.

It's a beautiful thing. Nothing better than, what is it, North Beach? Is that the way to come? North Beach, yeah. I would walk around there and the dusk, what do you call it? that magic hour. When the sun starts to, every restaurant is full outside, everyone's eating out, these beautiful restaurants, and the bars are full, and there's music in the air, and the houses look so good, nothing beats it. We watch the City Lights bookstore and the Marina District. Oh, and then Place the Arts, that fucking thing is a cathedral.

Cathedral. It is just dynamite. I wish you could live multiple lives. I know. I would like to live a life in San Francisco. These people grow up there. You know you see kids running around in San Francisco? Like, you don't know what you got.

The Tanners. I know. He's a she. She's a he. What an insane thing. Matt brought up this point. How insane is Mrs. Doubtfire.

The judge is like, you're a piece of shit. You can never see your kids. I'm taking custody away. Like, he threw them a party. They were playing jump around. Like he had a petting zone.

They're like, you're a fucking scumbag. Like, he didn't hit him. That's a good point. He didn't molest them. He didn't molest them. He didn't molest them. He was like, there he loves them.

And they literally threw a birthday party. And the judge, like, throws the book at him. That's a good point. He's like, you're a complete piece of shit. You're out of control. She knows that. It's insane. That's a great point.

I mean, I watched that as a kid. I was like, oh, they got them dead to rights. It's crazy. He's like petting a donkey. They're playing jump around. He fucked the house up, but get a cleaner. Yeah, the house is dirty. They're rich.

Just clean the house. Yeah. And that's what he can't see his kids ever again. Yeah, Sally Field really came off like a big, fat bummer in that movie. And another great point is, Pierce Brasden is like, he's playing the heavy. He's like this guy that's like, oh, he's taking my kid. But he's just sweet as pie. There's like no bad guy in the movie except the judge, I guess.

Like, Pierce Brasden is actually quite sweet and he loves the kids. Like he overheat, when he throws the fruit at him, he's like overhearing Pierce Brasden and be like, I love this woman, I want to marry her. I love the kids. The kids are great. I just want to take care of the kids. and he's like, oh,

you're a piece of shit. Like, he hits him with an egg. I think there was one line where he's like, I heard the husband was a real loser. Oh,

maybe that's what it is. That was it. That's what it is. But it's like, all he's finding out is that this man loves his children and wants to take care of his wife.

Yeah. And he's like, I'm gonna fucking kill this piece of shit. And he ripped his hood ornament off too. I remember that scene. Yeah. That's what's, uh,

vandalism. He's just kind of an asshole. Yeah. But anyways, it's a fun film. It's cool to see the house. I should rewatch that. That's a good point.

I think it's on Netflix. I kept seeing it. Ah, it's surprising with the trans controversy. I was in a band called Severe Tire Damage. Ah, yeah. Toodaloo. And my other beat for the movie is he got the makeup and the voice and the thing. He came with the whole story, but he didn't come up with a name.

He just totally spaced on what name he was going to say. He's like, hello, I'm Yuvicine, I'm a adult fight, and I'm from Scotland. My parents died. I've been nanying for 35 years. What's your name? Fuck! Yeah. It's like, how did you not?

You'd come up with that first. Right. Well, he saw it on the newspaper, Doubtfire. Yeah, so he improvised. But you're like, he didn't come up with something before. He came up with the accent, the story, the name, everything. The outfit, the makeup. And change the number to do the other characters to get them not to call.

Oh, yeah. Just completely spaced on what's the name of this person who I'm going to pretend to be? Also learn to cook and clean, by the way. Yeah. Didn't know how to cook. Now all of a sudden he's doing lobster at Tuesday morning. But man, what a city. Great movies shot in San Francisco.

great setting. And great club. That Cobbs is one of the top clubs in the country, and the crowds are great there. They're smart. They get it. They don't get upset.

They're great. Which, by the way, going back to the venue thing we were talking about, punchline's still a better, hotter venue because they're right on top of you. Cobs is quite cabinet.

A lot of those shows at Cobbs, you're like, does everyone struggle like this? Not struggle, but like, you're not like rolling. It's good, but like you're not feeling that like,

Oh my God, this is a murder. But it is one of those rooms where you walk in, you're like, oh, there's history in here. These walls have laughs baked into them. Well, the manager, I think it was, or maybe it was McCabridge, the photographer. He said Lars Roweck came in and was walking around, went to a show,

and he was like looking around like this, and after a few minutes, he was like, we used to play here all the time. Before our first record, we played this event. It was called whatever. Rocka docker. Spikies or something. But Metallica played there.

like pre-kill them all. They were just playing at that at Cubs. I love it. Did a Witzer Face pop in? No. Okay. That's for the best. Well, you did.

I had a lot more fun. I went to Tulsa. There's a new club there. The Bark guys, you know, the Spokane, the Tacoma, the Appleton. Those guys are running rampant. They open a Tulsa club, and they're opening another one, I think, in St. Louis. Maybe. Maybe it is St. Louis.

Something like that. But they're just. open it up clubs like crazy, and it's great room, great crowds. I had a fucking blast there. You get a lot of work done. And it's one of those clubs where they're like, thanks for coming. Right. I got to the airport.

It's like a four-hour flight. You land. I'm like, let me get an Uber. And the guy goes, hey, I'm here to pick you up. You're like, oh, how about that? You almost missed him like your parents. Exactly. So he scooped me up.

We go to the hotel and just great tons of birch. Go to Tulsa. I love to go to Tulsa. I love those guys. Adam's a great guy. Oh, yeah. And those clubs are awesome. It's one of those clubs where, A, they give you a card at the end with all the names, like all the waitresses sign it.

And they go, I love this bit. That bit was crazy. I love what you said the N-word. And then you take a photo with the staff on the stage. It feels like the 80s again. That's fun. It's very a community. There's one guy in Tacoma.

He always writes, I didn't see shit, the chef. It's funny. That's a good bit. That's good. That's like the spaceballs joke where they're combing the desert. We ain't found. shit. That joke blew my mind when I was 11. That was great.

Blacks are funny. Yeah. My people are funny people. Yes, yes. Not in this neighborhood. Do you like black girls? I love them. One battle after another, I can't stop watching that film. That Sensei is one of the great characters of all time. Yeah. That's heavy metal, bro.

I mean, that's one of the great lines. He's like, I got this guy locked jaws after he wants to kill me my daughter. He goes, that's heavy metal, bro. The great thing about the Sensee is he's nothing but help. He never asked for anything. He never says, hey, you owe me, motherfucker. He's just like, what do you need? He's running an underground railroad.

He introduces him to everyone in the family. It's unbelievable. He's like the greatest character. I want to live my life as the sensei. And what a fucking picture. Couple of beers. There's a couple of small beers. Small.

He's amazing. Jump out. And then when he fucking throws him out of the car, forget it. That is one hell of a pill. A film. I don't know what blows licorice pizza out of the water. Your back piece.

That stunk. Where were you going to be there, fat man? I have no idea. I drank too much caffeine. I'm talking too much. I'm all jacked up. I want to thank Chuck personally for getting the coffee and my father's gay. Where am I going?

I'm in Fort Lauderdale, the improv. Hey, me too. This weekend I'm in Virginia Beach. Good luck with that one. Fort Lauderdale Improv going to the Miami Open. Very excited about that. I got Providence Comedy Connection. That's Patriots Day weekend.

San Antonio, March 5th through the 7th. Ticket sales there. My God. I haven't been there in 10 years. It's a tough market. So come out to that. Of course, the Tom Dusted movies for sale, six bucks. And then two girls, one cuck, also six bucks. It's like five hours of Sarah and Karen and I fucking around. And you can get that all on Punch Up.

Go to Punch Up, sign up for my email list, and join our Patreon. It's a lot of fun stuff over there. You got that right. How does Patreon going? I'll be in Spokane, Indianapolis, Philly. uh, Fort Lauderdale, also doing Flagstaff, Arizona, but after Club Shay, we set up a little secret show in Vegas. Don't tell anybody. And, uh, that we're doing Swaharita, Arizona, and, uh, Seattle, all kinds of stuff coming down the pipe. Charlotte Comedy Zone, Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Give it a goog. Hit the website. We're both on Punch Up. Where are you going to be? Chuckles. Check on my podcast. Funbearable. Fundbearable pod.com. But more importantly, we're doing a big film project, and we need some backers for it. And a lot of, actually, Tuesdays did reach out. I bet. And one of them is really helping out. Wow.

We got the best fans in the business. No question about that. Yes. Got that right. So if you want to do that, you know, DM me anywhere. I'm at discount Chuck on Instagram. And thank you very much if you're interested. All right.

Maybe hit that, turn that heat off for a second and we can relax. Thank you, folks. Raise a lot.