Tuesdays with Stories! - #645 Wong Information

Episode Date: March 3, 2026

Joe goes to Austin and plays tennis with a champion! Mark hits Club Shay Shay. Joe stands up to an airport employee! It's Tuesdays!   Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Get 25% off your first order of MASA Chips with code TUESDAYS @ http://MASACHIPS.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & get 20% off your first Nic Nac order with code tuesdays at http://NicNac.com/tuesdays - Support the show & get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May Back, baby, we're here I haven't seen you in a month and a half It's been a while, yeah, we took a week off My father's still gay And it's still all pipes All right, that's lunch Well, lots changed

My kid is walking up and down Like Mitch McConnell, he'll just freeze Wow But then he gets back into it That's exciting It's a fun feeling They walk, they say things They're very funny

He's got a weird E.T. Wobble, it's a good time He goes through my legs And he's like Ah! Loves it. It's all pipes, Jerry. They get silly and funny and they have thoughts and they're gay.

It's very exciting. Yeah, he has weird urges. He'll be like, ah, ah, he's a big pointer. And he'll point at the fridge. And I'll open the fridge and he's like, and then I close the fridge. He starts crying. Oh, wow. Yeah, so he's autistic.

Yeah, he'll be a fat kid. That's true. They love the fridge. I was a fat kid. That's fun. I hit puberty. All went away. Really?

Yeah, it was like roids. No kidding. Yeah. I was a little loomster all the way through. A nice, skinny boy. I like to eat mac and cheese, burgers. I'm thinking about moving to Austin. I'll be down there by the fall.

Don't worry about it. I saw the Fabletics are rocking. Fabletics. That was the shirt you were wearing. Oh, yeah. Well, that was a whole thing. We'll get into that. But I'm down there in Austin.

The problem with Austin, Texas is I walked about eight steps a day. Here, I got 25,000 steps. I'm walking everywhere. That's true. downstairs, ramps, running from hobos. There, you're just driving around and queso, they hand it to the airport. Oh, it's unbelievable. It's coming out of water fountains.

You do sets. They're like, here's your queso. And then if you're like, I'm a little cassoed out, they're like, well, here's some brisket, shove that in your ass. Yes, yes. Plus the ice cream. I mean, I don't know how you don't blow up like a fucking balloon in that town. It's, well, you got to work out like Rogan. That's why he works out nine times a day.

Does two steams, a hot bath and shoots an elk. I mean, I've never eaten so much salt. Casa, queso, beans, rice. I haven't stopped farting. I'm just taking shits a mile long. Well, my old joke was you don't need a portion here because you have a miscarriage every day. My shits are like Iran.

I mean, I was just eating a bowl of queso three times a day, literally. And then I look at my step count. I'm not like 1,200 steps because I'm driving everywhere. It's in those, you see those guys with the protein, those big old canisters that's just queso in there. But you got juice land every five minutes. So I was drinking smooth. So it was all queso and spinach and blueberries.

I've been shitting out fucking brown babies. It's just like the size of my... Put them in cages. It's just like baseball bats shooting out of my ass. Yeah, but that's the thing. If you ain't moving your body, if you ain't getting the steps and the burning the cow, you're going to turn into John Panette.

Well, I got a nice run in. I went running Hirshberg. I went down to Zilker Park along the river, which is a river. They call it a lake. That's the other thing I can't handle. Is that right? It's Lady Bird Lake.

but it's totally a river. I don't get what's going on there. That's all branding. It's like when they say Williamsburg East. No, that's Bushwick, baby. You're getting your head cut off out there. Right. Well, they did that with Tribeca, too.

Tribeca just keeps moving south. That's right. It's like, you're surrounded by big buildings and like, well, this is a nice Tribeca apartment. I'm like, this is literally Wall Street. What are you talking about? Right. Good point. Yeah.

They know what they're doing over there with the wording. Nobody wants to live in the financial district. But Tribeca, that's where, you know, the Olson twins live. Right. you go, I'm Kanye West. Fuck the Jews. I'm yay now. You know, you gotta keep switching.

He should go Kanye East. Hey. What can buy them, Kanye yeast. Folks, this stuff writes itself. I'm hot today. He has risen. By the way, it's 10 a.m. So we're a little fucked up here.

Oh, yeah. What are you going to winter coat on? Yeah, I guess so. I was walking around outside. I took the garbage in. I went, ooh, and then I did the pot. Took the garbage in. We got to get the cans in.

Ah, the cans. You got a cans. Garbage goes out. Cans come in. Well, with Zuzu, Zwa, Zora, Zima, Zoran, he never picks the garbage up. It used to be on a direct schedule, and now it's like, catch-s-catch can. You got to put them out and just hope. But I don't understand.

So what happens? So are they on strike? He just fired him? What's going on? I don't know. I shouldn't blame him. I don't know if it's all him. But right when he got in, the garbage was not picked up anymore on schedule.

I think maybe the workers don't like them. So they're needling them. They're trolling him. Oh, I see. I assume. I don't know. But it's been all off. It's been all wacky since we went Muz.

But what about the snow removal? You must have been blown away by that. Wait, did they do it? There's no snow anywhere. I came home. It was a big blizzard. I came home. There wasn't a second, a pinch of snow.

Oh, he picked it up. And he gave civilians 40 bucks to shovel. That's right. That's good stuff. I'm a communist now or whatever. Socialist. What's the one will they give you money to shovel? I don't know.

Capitalism? I think. They gave everyone $25 to shovel up the streets. Yeah, it worked. Well, he got so much shit for the no snow pickup two weeks ago. Then on this one, he was like, get that snow. Yeah, it was pretty good. I missed, this was crazy.

So we had the big snowstorm, whatever it was, three weeks ago. Dairy Queen Blizzard. We were leaving. We're on our way to the airport to head to Austin, our future home. We're all in the car. And I made a common because it was like 50 degrees. in raining that day. I was like, wow, that's the last of the snow. Not one

piece of snow left. The snowstorm is all come and gone. We fly to Austin. The blizzard hits while we're in Austin. Oh, that's nice. Which was nice, because I'm knee-deep in Koso, blowing my father, got a cowboy hat on, a belt buckle, and my sister's tits are nice.

Yeah. So I'm down there eating. We come back. The snow's back, but the sidewalks were clear as mud. So I don't know what's going on from who. You know, Very clear. Yes. But yeah, yeah.

No, he got right. He stepped it up on the snow. So we're back. But the garbage is still an issue. And that's why I hate the prayer or the whatever bullshit because I'm like, just get the garbage. Right. And a lot of people go, what are you, Muslimophobic? And I'm like, no, I just.

Just slumophobic. I don't care. I don't want a preacher in their white guy being like, Ezekiel 912. Just get the garbage. Get the garbage. Fuck religion. I need the garbage taken. You know what we need is that Chicago system.

They got the garbage underground over there. What? You go to Chicago, you don't see a garbage bag. It's all pipes. I thought they had alleys. They got alleys and pipes. Allie Wipes. It's good stuff.

I might have Wong information. What, Alley's? Suction trash. Yeah, they just... Suction trash. They suck it right under there. Wow. We got underground trash, too.

It's called the MTA. Yeah, I'm out of here. I'm out. I'm going to Texas. These winters, they're... They're harsh, they're cold. Bitter. And in Austin, if you live in the right spot, you can be eight minutes from the creek.

Have you been to Black Rabbit, East Austin Comedy Club? There's Cap City. There's the two rooms at Mothership. You got Metzger talking about Tom Hanks eating babies. He's a little cookie if you ask me. Oh, don't get sucked into that tractor, baby. You can't get out. But it's sunny.

It's brisket. It's cheese. Great. The girls are thin. And it's unbelievable. Yeah, the lake, Lady Bird Lake, not a river. Great to canoe down and paddleboard. It's a beautiful thing.

Well, Sarah's like, have you noticed the women are all hot here? I'm like, I do. I know. I didn't notice that. But now that you pointed out, I guess I'll take a look. There we go. God damn, those Austin bitches. Yeah, you know, it's also a weird one.

My wife threw this one at me. These Hughes brothers, they're blowing up with the hockey. The Toothless, the Jews, the whole thing. Jews brothers. So she was like, oh, he's dating. some pop star in Canada. And I was like, oh, good for him. Look at this little hockey guy getting laid by a pop star.

And she goes, I don't think she's that pretty. What do you think? And it's a picture of her like, you know, it like tits out in a miniskirt, doing all these dances, then does a split. And I'm like, yeah, not hot at all. What are you talking about? Your tits are jumping around, just doing backflips and being like, I'm just a girl. Well, these women, they don't know what hot women are.

They're like, Sarah will be like, oh, yeah, this girl, she's so pretty. It's like a photo of Margaret Thatcher or something. I'm like, pretty. Pretty nuts. And then other people would be like, yeah, she's not hot. She's gross. You know, it's fucking Courtney Cox in 92. I know.

And then they do this thing where like, she's so trashy. And I'm like, are you expecting me to marry this retard? I'm just looking at an only fan. She's like, oh, look at it. She's so trashy. I'd love to blow a load on her. Trashy's good. I love trash.

I like to pick up trash. Zor rant. Go to the bar and pick up some trash. Yeah, underground trash. I'm all itchy back here. You ever get a haircut? You didn't? But yeah, so women don't know what's what. No.

They always go. Gwyneth Peltro is beautiful. I'm like, I haven't thought about hers since 1981. Well, I like Peltro. She's all right. But Shakespeare love, you see her nipple for a second. By the way, I went and saw Send Help. Have you seen this picture?

Everybody's raving about Ramey. That's a hell of a film. Rachel McAdams is so hot. She's a good-looking dame. And I think you see a nipple for the briefest second. She's in a walk. Waterfall. Hey, nip.

That's a fun, fun film. I highly recommend. Horror? Yeah, it's like a horror, thriller, comedy, dark. You know, it's Sam Ramey. It's got some blood and some shit and some stuff. All right, I'll check it out. It's fun.

It's a fun, fun romp. And I didn't want it to end. Off of your wreck, I watch Blue Moon. Blue Moon's fun. It's fun, but it's a real test with like, put the phone down. It's all dialogue. I told you. It's a slog.

It's a slog, Jerry. It's a lot. I love Ethan Hawke. I mean, Ethan Hawks, my number one favorite guy. I wanted to be my dad. Yeah, he's a cool dude. Yeah, he's very cool. But the movie is like just dialogue.

It's one location and you're just like, you're going to power through. It was like reading. And so, yeah, you got to really tape yourself in. I watched it a second time. Jesus. Okay, okay. But there's some great stuff. Great lines in there, for sure.

Wow. Oh, well, seaman. Yeah, that'll get you. Well, anyways. So what did you do in ATX? Boy, did I love Austin. So I went down there for a tennis tournament, basically. And I did a couple podcasts.

McCusker, Renazizi was down there. What a great hang that guy is. He's a good egg. He's okay. I give him two towers. It was funny because I was talking to my friend who has a kid, and I was like, hey, if you're the same age, but she has an older kid. maybe you've heard of her.

She lives in Cleveland. And I was like, so what's the deal with this potty training? When do you start? When do you do it? Oh, yeah. I was like, now my buddy told me you can do it in a weekend. She's like, a weekend. I don't know about that.

And I was like, well, that's what my friend said. But then I realized I'm like, well, that same friend, though, also said he was in the World Trade Center. So what am I, you know, I'm like, who do I believe here? Right, right. Oh, boy. That is a tough one. No Jews in the potty. But ran as easy.

He's the fucking man. He's such a great hand. Great guy. It's one of those things when you're in Austin, another city, you're always feel a little off. You're visiting. We did a couple big shows together. We had a B&B? Not with him, but yeah. Well, no, I mean. No, we got a Verbo.

A who? A verbo. Ferbo. Is that a rustler? That's like Airbnb, but nicer. What? I've never heard of Verbo. Vacation rentals buy owner. You don't ever heard of Verbo? Verbo's new to me. Wow, Verbo's my go-to.

What? You gotta get on Verbo. Verbo's like just, how is the place you can rent, but they're nice. It's like Uber Black. I suppose so. I mean, you're still choosing the house, yeah. Wow, because I've had a lot of problems with B&B. AirB you're talking about.

Yeah, they've fucked me a few times. They're weird, they're overpriced sometimes. Because B&B is different than Airbnb. That's true. That's just a bed and breakfast. Taking over. But yeah, maybe I'll try this Verbo. Verbo's great.

Verbo rules. I love Verbo. No problems with it. No, not a problem. Airbnb will do like the check in at five, you're out at seven. I'm like, what? I just got out of here. And Airbnb, too, we did that in L.A. once, and we were just in a lady's house, and she was with us.

I've had that too. And then she wanted to take us around. I think I talked about this in the pod. She was like, all right, so I got a list of things we could do today. I was like, what are you mind? I'm not even joking. She had a piece of paper with stuff written on it. Well, you should have gone and show to your list and it just says threesome.

Wow, she was old and German and weird. By the way, the Tuesdays have found the cook that offered us sex. Of course they did. I told Chuck to protect this lady's well-being. Wait, what cook is this? Sorry. Remember the lady, she lived across from Mrs. Doubtfire's house, a full house house. Oh, the old bride.

Have some gin and sex. Yes, yes, gin and sex. Well, you go to her video, it's 7,000 comments. My father's gay. It's all pipes. Let me smell your pipes. This is Doubtfire. Hello.

It's all Tuesdays getting. Drive-by-Fruiting. Drive-by-Tusgang. So she probably, I don't know, I'm probably going to get sued. I don't know. But her numbers are through the roof. Hey, can't argue with the numbers, Jerry. I guess so. But meanwhile, I'm out of here being like,

this lady offered to blow me. Her grandkids are probably going to shoot me. Well, hey, you offered a blow a guy. It's going to get out there. She didn't offer to blow. I think that's Spike Lee. Look at this. Fur coat, big frame glasses.

Almost. That's like limping Spike Lee. Like I was fully pimped out. Fur coat with a cane and a fedora. That was Spike re-tard. I don't know. That was a stretch. Hey, Lex liked it.

We got to get Mike, Lex Mike. By the way, I think, I'm not sure. I think Chuck is what the kids call soft quitting. Oh, is that right? He's been here twice in three months. Interesting. This guy's never here. Also, some guy messaged me being like, you piece of shit.

You made Chuck get your coffee. Your son of an onion. You piece of crap. And he's like, you always, as he said, you always making Chuck get coffee. Go back through. I think Chuck has gone to get coffee. under three times in the seven years he's worked here. I'd say three.

I'd say a hot three. I'll give you three. But yeah. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's just sitting there. Also, soft quitting. He's just soft. So is Rupert.

I mean, we've had Lex five weeks in a row. That's true. It's still here. He can't get out of the doorway. He's like Kool-Aid. Chuck is out. Wow, soft quitting. That's interesting.

And I don't, hopefully he's paying you because I've never set you any money for this. I'm sending him $7. him seven grand a day. No, I don't even give him water. My accountant and therapist both sat me down. They're like, you got to get rid of Chuck. He's bleeding you dry. Oh my God. They had a, what do you call that when you sit someone down? An intervention. They're like, this is crazy. We're looking at the numbers. The numbers are wild. He's very expensive. And Chuck, you could just quit. You don't have to soft. You can hard quit. I mean, I sent him for coffee. People were dive bombing my house. Wow. A piece of cunt shit. Well, he's going to hear this and sent us

a birthday card, a fruit cake, and a homeless man. He sent us a fruit cake. Rupert. Rupert ate it. Well, there you go. How about that? Soft quitting. I had no idea.

So anyways, I think he's making a movie. He's got a girlfriend. He's father's good. Yeah, I believe what I see it. But so I went to, so I got this friend. I've talked about her here before. And Becky Robinson, give a big shout out to Becky. Hello, Mrs. Robinson.

Her husband is a big Tuesday. Hey. He's as gay as the day is long. So she works in tennis, a few of the tennis tournament. She's in charge of content creation, I guess, or some kind of content. I don't know what people's jobs are. Even when I watch them do it, I don't know what it is. I have no social media director.

What does that mean? Who knows? By the way, I don't know why every social media person's not 13 years old. Good point. I remember we made Fourth of July, Louis and I interviewed a guy to be like the social media Kant, whatever. Yeah. And it was on Zoom back then.

We opened the thing up and this guy, his like frame was all crooked. He was like 60 years old. And it was like all empty frame. And I just texted Louis like, this isn't him. No, no. I'm like, give me a 17 year old girl who's like, hey queen, scoopie. Exactly. With emojis.

That guy's going to put you in the newspaper or in like the penny saver. Literally. He was picturing. He's like, yeah, I think I can get you on, you know, Regis Kathy Lee. I got you the Jack Parr show. Right, right. I got Dick Cavett coming in. I put up a lost dog side, but I put your face on it instead of the dog.

You're in, baby. He's like, milk cartons. What do you know about him? Yeah, exactly. It was crazy. I'm like, I want a 14-year-old girl with pigtails to be like, I'm going to drop you on to snitch and put you on Twitch. Yeah, and snatch. Yeah, that's what you want because they are always on there.

That's all they do. So pay them. Absolutely. So anyways, Becky's the man or the woman. We need a thing. I was thinking about this. We need an equivalent the man for women. You're the woman.

That's the thing I ever picked up. Oh, yeah. I like that. Yeah, because you're the man. I said it to women. You're the man. Yeah. What seems transphobic now that I think about it.

Yeah, you're the cunt. The cunt is good. C, but they don't like cunt. You're my c bitch. Something like that. You're my C, c bitch. See, my tits. It's always tricky with women.

I know. They're so sensitive. It's a whole thing and whatever. But anyways, she's awesome. I'm going to noodle on this while you talk. Let's noodle. She messaged and said, hey, I don't know if you're around, but the ATX, Austin Open, is here, and I'm doing the thing. I could have you shoot some content.

And it's one of these relationships that's mutually beneficial because they get a big comedy star. Everybody wins. So I'm meeting these tennis players. I'm like, over the mood. This is crazy. I'm hanging out with professional athletes. It's nuts. These people have watched on television I'm now chatting with.

So I'm like, I can never thank you enough. And she's like, what? You're doing me a favorite. Wow. You're giving us content. This is great. So it's working out great. So I go down there.

So I book the whole trip around it. I'm like, all right, we'll go down for the tennis match. I'll book a couple big podcasts. A big, you know, I can't say or whatever. But, you know. Yeah. You know the one. Not Rogan.

Okay. The other one. Ah, which one is that? There's a couple down there. Well, it's, you know, the one that the guy says, don't say anything about what happened because it's coming out in two weeks. Oh, got it. And he says a bunch of it.

other stuff. What's the other big fucking Austin podcast when it comes out two weeks later and they say, don't say anything about the show? Oh, I got it. I never think it was a podcast. I think it was a show. Yeah, that makes sense. Whatever the fuck it is.

I'm thinking Segorah, Shane, McCusker. Well, I did Shane's pod, but he wasn't there. But it's still huge. Still big. McCusker's great, by the way. Ah, he's a sweet, sweet boy. Big fan of the McCusk. So that's what I was going to say.

I had Ran Azizi down there. I don't know. I'm all over the. It's all pipes. I'm all wacky. I'm all crazy. I just got back. Yes, yes. I've been on two trips since the last time I saw you. By the way, ran as easy. I don't know if we should get into it, but I do think that killed his whole career. Not his whole career. He's working. He's still working, but he was cooking. He was headlining everybody. He was on a TV show. He would do Howard Stern. That's where he said the fucking thing. So he was Howard Stern level then. Yeah. Which is crazy. You know, that's like Bill Murray's going on there and some hooker.

Well, we've seen his house. I mean, he was certainly doing pretty good. Have you to his house? Oh, you weren't there. I think you were supposed to be there. I did the show. He kept being like, Mark's coming. And I was like this.

All right. I don't do houses. I'm not a fan of houses. Oh, you should see this house. It's a spraw. I mean, he's got a fucking, it's like the White House out there. That's what I'm saying, which I think got docks quite a bit, by the way. Oh, he's too far away to die.

Nobody's driving out there. Oh, is it that far? I guess Long Island, maybe. Hold on. I got a fart. But he was he's awesome. He's the man. So he was in town.

Hey, that was a real pusher. So I went down there. Oh, these bulls still. I can't tell who's who, but the combo is. I pushed out something fierce for that last one. It's like Hitler and Stalin. You know what I mean? Right.

Both bad. And then they're both working at the same time. It's hell on earth. Yes, yes. Gingas Khan and Mao. So anyway, so I'm going down there. I'm like, I had a, I'm very proud of myself. I had a perfect, I had a perfect, uh, mousa stinky.

I didn't know where you were going. Musa Stinky. I had nothing from Mussolini. Oh man, stretch your Armstrong over here. Musa Stinky. You paused the story. I was like, wait a minute. Is he having a stroke?

No, you were. I came up with mousseau. Stinky. I thought you're talking about Musinex. Muse is stinky. Stalin's stinking. Anyways, the point is I went down there.

So I'm going down there for the 10thbert. I was very proud of myself. I had a perfect work play balance. Oh, yes, yes. I set up Kill Tony. What? A Joe List and Friends at the Creek, which sold out like hotcakes, a Sunday night.

It was sold out like 10 minutes. It's Joe Listed Friends and McCusker Pod. So I had like a Monday morning podcast, a Monday night show. Yeah. And a Sunday night show. But I had Friday, Saturday, Tuesday with nothing. Oh, except tennis. Friday, Saturday, Tuesday.

Very nice. With just tennis and I had a fire in the backyard. This was great about Austin. You can live in a proper city. I know. But there's stars and a campfire. Oh. I'm smoking cigals.

That was the other thing. I had about 48 cigars and poor. pounds of cash. If I move to Austin, I'll be dead by at 52. Oh, easily. Just smoking cheese. So, I'm down there. In the morning. I'm under the stars. I'm doing the show. And then Ranazizi's in town. McCusker, Texas. He's like, are you cool with Renazizi doing the show? Which, Randizzi is one of those guys. You have to be like, are you able to do a podcast with this guy?

Well, you're a patriot. Because some people, you know, you got an eagle tattooed in your shoulder. You're going to be like, fuck that guy. Oh, yeah. Or a friend we know. Yeah. I'm like, are you kidding me? Get me in there. And it's less let's work for you. Exactly. Bring another guy. And now when I go to the comments, it's all, fuck this guy.

He lied about 9-11. I'm like, normally it's like, this guy's a cuck, paid a piece of shit. Liz sucks. He's fucking blow my dad, you cunt, fake-ass piece of shit. Right, right. But now he sucks up all the hate and you're getting engagement. I want to do all the shows with Randis-Zis. Everyone's like, this guy should die.

This nerd I don't like, but this other guy's worse. I want to do all this, my shows with Pete Hed Seth. Fuck it. Let's keep it going. Who else do people hate? Breaking Ted Cruz, I'll do a show with him. Absolutely. I think that would, you'd shine.

Oh, thank you. You'd cruise, at least through March. Ted cruising. Anyways, so, Chevy Cruz. I got the fun thing set up. I don't know where I'm at in this fucking stupid story. But I did kill Tony with Rain Azizi, which, by the way, I guess I shouldn't give too much way because the show hasn't come out yet.

This will come out. Oh, this comes out tonight. Oh, all right, perfect. No, but... Because then it comes out in a couple weeks. Oh, boy. These people are going to be pissed about the teaser. They don't like that.

Well, a funny thing happened. I'll tell you after. I'll tell you off air. All right, all right. It was good news for our friends. Oh, great. Hey, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by...

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If you use nicotine, knicknax is the discrete way to do it. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. And so is my balls. So had a nice work-life balance. Yes, yes. All work, no play. Went to the tennis thing.

Becky sets us up. I got to meet Peyton Stearns, who's awesome. She went to UT. She ended up winning the tournament yesterday, which was so excited. Got to meet her. She met my son. She was so cool to Marty. I was like, Marty, this is a professional tennis.

I felt like Kramer when he's like, that's going to be used someday. That's the professional tennis player. She shook his hand. He was like, hi, I love tennis. It was great. He did the cutest thing I'll tell you later. It was so sweet to meet her. And then she ended up winning, which is exciting.

I also met this Eva Jovick, who's like the new hot American, the future of American women's tennis. She's 18 years old. Oh, she sounds hot. And she's 18th in the world at tennis. 18 years old, ranked 18th. And I got to hit with her. They were like, it was last, everyone's like, why are you wearing this outfit? I'm like, obviously I wasn't planning to play tennis.

I didn't put on dockers and a Fabletics fucking. hoodie to play tennis. Right. I know you were sweating in the sun because that thing is thick. I've seen that sweater. It's right there. That's the one. It's thicker than Rupert.

Yeah. So she's got five minutes. I had no time to warm up. And then people are like, you hit like a pussy. You don't know how to play tennis. I'm like, I play tennis seven times in my life.

With a professional. This is the 18th best player in the world. She's serving 110 at me. What do you think I'm going to be like? Buga! Right. And she's 18 years old. She's in her prime.

I'm 44. Yeah. I'm over the hill. Hill. I'm under the bridge. I'm in the closet. I mean, I'm like... Underground trash. So it was quite a thrill. It was so cool. She was so fun. I got to interview her and Peyton and we were laughing it up and yucking it up. And then Bianca And Drescu, who is also Canadian. She won the U.S. Open in 2019. These who went all sound sexy. They were all very cool. Or like IKEA furniture.

I got to meet all of them, hang out. I got to sit courtside for Venus Williams. I was in the media seats. Like literally listening to the players, talk to the coaches. I'm closer than Lexus right now. Wow. Met her from Mars. Women are from Venus. Williams.

So that was amazing. I met the guy running the tournament. He was cool. I had the presidential suite. All access backstage pass. It was insane. Man, it's easy to get into women's sports. I mean, I could have fucking coached one.

I was like, get me in the coaches box. What the hell? I have to say, and feel free to edit this, I'm watching you all your videos. I'm out on the road. board watching you with my dick in my hand. And I'm like, this guy's playing tennis, his favorite thing with these 18-year-old smoke shows.

They're all wearing biker shorts and clam out. I didn't notice the oven. Camble toes and all this. And I'm like, this guy keeps posting about this. Then you're interviewing one. And I'm like, your wife's got to be going, all right. It's like her posting with seven black guys, deep throat. First of all, that's my dream.

She won't go for it. I've been trying to get her to fuck a basketball team for three years. That could go viral. We could set that up. No, she doesn't get. They're athletes, Cherry. It felt like they're just random women off the street. I know, but it's your exact type.

It's these cute blondes with tight asses and big old clits. I think she's okay. She's a very secure lady. I'm a very trustworthy man over here. Where am I going? Well, it's not even that you're going to bang one. It's just that like you're surrounded by all this sexy gash. Well, she was there.

She got to meet them all. She met Peyton. All right. That's it. I kept her away from the, you. younger ones. Smart move. No, I think she's okay.

I mean, it's what the profession. If Sarah went out and met Hendrick Lunkwist, who's like the hottest man in the world. Oh, that's hockey? Yeah. Yeah. I was retired now. But if she met, you know, Charlie McAvoy or whoever the fuck, I mean, I post that picture. I joke off to it.

So, you know. All right. I just don't. Like, who's her number one? I think me. I hope. No, no chance. Fat chance.

What number one, like, hottest guy? Yeah, like her celebrity crush. Like who's the one? She's like, that's my guy. There's a lot, I think. Oh, geez. What are you talking? Lex, Chuck,

Sagalow, Matt Wayne. All the people you use. No, I think probably, let me think, Celebrity, Celebrity. I know she, I think Oscar Isaac. I think she likes Oscar Isaac. Wow, I didn't see that coming. Maybe.

He's a good actor. And nothing like you, by the way. That's always off-putting. Yeah, I had that with Beck and my previous girlfriend. We were like hanging out. I think I'd try this as a bit. She's, like, what's your type? She's like, I like really strong, long hair, beard, outdoorsy hiking types.

I was, like, sitting there with, like, wire rim glasses, like, huh? Yeah, right. Yeah, my ex, I was like, what are you into? She's like, eat yourself. I'm like, to doodoo. Right. I'm trying to think of other, Kurt Russell, I think. She's like, I think Kurt Russell got.

Now he's old, of course. Wow, Kurt Rush. She is a Texan. Yeah. That's funny. What is that? Well, he's hot. Kurt Russell's as hot as it gets.

Is he kidding me? Escape from New York? Yeah. Yeah, the thing. Overbore. I mean, he's in a million movies. Yeah, I guess so. Backdraft.

Oh, yeah. Tombstone. Oh, that's a good one. That Tarantino one. That's not great. Oh, Grind House. Yeah. Or whatever.

What the fuck's it called? Hateful Eighth. Hateful eight. Yeah, that one's amazing. Also, funnly, he was banging Goldie Hawn and still is. Yeah, forever. Overbore. He's amazing.

Great. Death proof. That's what it is. Wow, that's a hell of a weekend. Yeah, it was awesome. And, yeah, KT was great. That was a hot one. Oh, it was good.

Yeah, it was awesome. It was so fun. And then we did Joe List and Friends at the Creek, which was great. Joe DeRosa came by. Mezka popped on. He's a psycho. It was all white dudes. I couldn't get any women.

Well, that's Texas, baby. But if you notice with Metzger, you know, people have a safe word. He has a word, Israel. If you say Israel, it's the opposite of a safe word. He just goes in for like nine hours and you're like, you can, it's almost like a kid where you're like, just sit here and talk. I'll be over here. Well, you know Charlie from South by Southwest?

Yes, Citello. So he was there and he was like engaging. Oh, boy. And it was eating babies and Tom Hanks and the stuff. Epstein and Israel and Hamasad. By the way, the creek, they let you smoke cigars in that green river. Rebecca's fucking, she's the content. It's just awesome.

The tits. What is it? The tits. What is it? The tits. She's the tits. She's the tits. Because it's a term that means positive and they have tits.

That's not bad. I like the tits. So, yeah, she's awesome. It was great to see her. And the show was just packed in fun. I had C.J. Landry on. He was awesome. And it was just a great, great night.

So, yeah, you go. Because I'm hogging here. Don't you feel I have a disease where I cannot leave a green room? I will sit in a green room. For 9 days, like a bomb shelter, which is what I call my special. You know what? You don't have that? I love a green room.

You get the cigar in there. There's liquor and booze in the fridge. There's food usually. Well, it depends on who's there in the green room. That's true. This green room after a while, I was like, okay. I'll see you guys later. That's true.

Yeah, you're doing like Economic World Forum in there. Yeah, but I mean, it depends on the green room. But I love a hang, but also, you know. Well, you got the baby at home. I got the baby. then we're in central time, so he's waking up an hour earlier. Also, he doesn't sleep well when we're traveling. It's a strange shit. So he's waking up at 4.30. So I'm like, I got to go to fucking bed. Well, I think I have a feeling. The green room feels safe to me. Like, oh, that's

out in the world. But here we got a good hang. We got cigars. We got booze. We got talking. Yeah. So I think I have that thing where I'm just like, don't leave. Well, they got great green rooms. Another reason to move to Austin. Great green rooms. Yes, yes. I can't sit at the cellar smoking a cigar. Good point. Creek and There's freedom down there Mother ship you can smoke You can sit outside

Come on down let's go I like it And then you get out of that fucking cold air You're getting that sunshine The sun hits your tits And you go I'm an American

And the sunset It's low light It's just orange I know I know Oh my God It's delightful And the cheese My God Jerry the cheese

And I feel like We appreciate it more Because we've lived In this fucking hawk For nine years And the back The best part of waking up is foalges in your cup. But it's time to go to the airport.

13 minutes. 13. And the Uber's $6. I flew from JFK three times in 10 days. It's an hour in 10 minutes to get to my house. And you're on the tippy top of the dick. I know. Six hour flight and you land and you're like, I'm home.

And then it takes 20 minutes to get a cab and an hour in 10 to get home, $125 fucking lift ride. and in Austin it's literally 12 minutes. You could park at the airport for six bucks a day. Oh, what a goddamn state. Yeah. All right. Too bad to run by a guy in a wheelchair. But let me just say this.

So I had a wild action-packed week. Tell me about it. Well, first of all, my parents were in town, and they came for 18 days. That's crazy. Is that excessive? My parents literally come for 20 hours, and I'm not joking. I'm jealous. So, well, they want to see the boy.

They live so far away. Your parents are in the same ecosystem. What do you call that? Region. Region, but they don't. That's true. That's true. That's 250 miles.

Wow. Yeah. Well, so they're like, okay, here's the deal. We don't want to annoy you too much. We are your parents, after all. We're staying with a friend for the first eight days. Then we'll come to you for 10. And I'm like, all right, that's better.

Yeah, buffer. So I was like, all right, thanks. Thanks, mom and dad. So they fly in. I got them first class, the whole thing. I told you they missed the sign. Uh-huh. We did that already.

Whatever. They get in. They go to stay at the friend's house. And one day in, they go, we're going to stay with you. And I'm like, what happened to the buffer? And they go, we realized we're in New York. We're just sitting at this other person's house. We want to see the grandkid.

That makes sense to me. It makes complete sense. But I had the buffer head. I had the mentality. I had the buffer in my brain. Right. Buffer brain. Buffer brain.

Buffer brain. so buffer fish So now I'm like My whole thing's ruined Because I had Or I have this And then that's gone Yeah so they came over

And it's weird That it took them Being there to realize I know I know So then a blizzard hits So now they're at the house With a blizzard

So now You know They leave once a day Maybe to take a little walk They're elderly But now it is Full on Shining

We are sitting right here for 18 days, Fatty. Wow. Boy, oh boy. I mean, look, there's some benefits. They'll wake up with the baby because they get up. They cook. They cook. They cook, Jerry. But my wife cooks. So now there's the mom-wife attention. That's fun. It's like chopped in there. It's fucking, it's like some nightmare.

What is that? Nightmare's Kitchen? I don't know. Kitchen nightmare. Thank you. I'm dyslexic. So that's a Gordon Ramsey show where they all get hot and bothered in the kitchen with all the fighting. But it was a tense, long day. And I eventually was like, I am leaving to go do the road. See your wife?

And I got out of there like a chopper out of nom and I threw a grenade behind me. Now, how does she handle it? How does you, I mean, the idea of me being home in my home when my wife sleeps and my children come and play with their toys, being at home and my mother-in-law is in the home with me, all day every day. I'd rather chop my dick off, shove it at my house.

and eat snot for a week. She's got a couple outs. She works from home. So that's kind of like, hey, leave me alone. I've got important business to do. Door closed, working from home in a separate room. That's big. So that buys you eight hours.

Then she'll be like, I have a spot tonight or I have a gym to go to. So that'll get you out of the house. So she has some moves. Right. And we had a little powwow. I was like, this is what my parents do. This is what they get up. This is what they want to do.

So avoid this, avoid that. suck and roll. Wow. This is fascinating. I mean, I just cannot imagine my parents staying at my house and being like, I'll see you guys later. I know.

It's very, it's very odd. It's odd, baby. So I go, well, I got a skedaddle on Wednesday to go do club shay-shay. What's that one again? That's a big black pod with the one where Cat Williams went viral with Shannon Sharp. Just say Shannon Sharp.

I keep thinking you're, to get tassels on your nipples. your pants got a pole. It sounds like it. In Vegas. Very gay name. But it's like saying, Kill Tony versus Tony Hinchcliff.

Right. So I'm going to do Tony Hitchcliff, Shee, Sharp. Sharpie. So I get out there and he goes, I'd like to do it at 2 p.m. on Wednesday. And I go, oh, geez, that cuts into my whole day.

And I got to fly to Vegas. And he goes, we'll fly the day before. I'm like, I can't do the day before. You're already cutting into my Wednesday. Right. So I go, I'll just get up early, fly out first thing. get there by like noon and go straight there. Flight's delayed.

I don't know where you're at on this, and I won't take too much time on it, but... I'm here. United, I don't mind the comfort part. I don't need the first class. Obviously, it's ideal, but I don't need it. As long as I can do this with my feet. Get it under the seat?

I'm good. I see. But I booked a 8A wall. So you got this. Oh, I hate that. Same with one. You get first class. Sometimes you get upgraded to first class and people are going to go, oh, these guys complain

about first class, but they upgrade. I have a good seat. I'm in comfort plus aisle. I can stick my feet out here. I give my feet under the chair. They go, we've upgraded you. And you go, great. And they go, you're in one A.

And you sit like this. Like a gynaecologist. Exactly. Exactly. And I'm like, give me a downgrade. Give me a downgrade. I had the seat I wanted. Yes.

You know what I do? When I get upgraded to first class like a couple days before, you go, hey, I got the upgrade. I go in and make sure I'm not on A1. Well, yeah, obviously, you're trying to do that when you can. Yeah. You can't. Yeah, you're fucked. You've got your feet up your ass.

And I'm 6'3 for God's sakes. Right, right. But you're doing this where you're trying to like get some stretching. But I had the fat guy next to me. Secondhand fat. You know, I hate that. So now you're doing the weird thing where you're up on the wall. Sure.

Trying to get. Now you're not the guy with the feet on the wall trying to stretch out. And it's a five and change flight. It's such a long flight. But whatever. We get there. Flight's delayed. So now I'm the white guy who's lucky to be on this big podcast, and I got to get a rental car.

So now you're late. You get out. You go find a rental car. Oh, it's Vegas. It's a shuttle. Then you got to wait for the shuttle. Then we get to Avis. And we do that weird thing where everybody's on the rental car shuttle.

And right when it lands, you're like, of course. You try to get out first, you know? Yes, yes. It's very frustrating. And then all you're thinking is, I was on here before that guy, this guy, that guy, that guy. Yes, yes, yes, exactly. And you know it's going to be a long line because it's Vegas, whatever. Another great thing about Austin, by the way, rental car right in the airport.

I know. They keep talking about renovating and expanding that airport. I'm like, don't do it. Right. It's perfect. But so you run through Avis. I finally get the guy. And he's like, you know, as I always say, it's such a primitive system.

Just let me walk up and go, there's my ID. You know who I am. I reserved online. Here's your key. Yes. But they go, you want the gas? You want the insurance? Are you suicidal? Have you been drinking?

What's your dad's name? And you're like, give me the key? And then he goes, you want an upgrade? You want to go to a 12-12 panel van? You're like, no. You want an 18-wheeler? No, I want the fucking Chevy crews. And now sometimes you do it.

They give you the thing finally. And then you go downstairs. You go down the window. You give the guy the fucking envelope. And he goes, you want to bring it back full? And I'm like, I just did this. I know. I fucking just did this.

Yes. Well, here's even worse. This is why I'll never go Avis again. Fuck you, Avis. I'm all alamo all the time. Ooh. Remember. Remember the Alamo?

And this week, I'm going to San Antonio Thursday. I'm renting the Alamo and San Antonio. What's up with that? Clip it. David Crockett. Here I come. There's no basement in the Alamo. So who's David Crocken?

Was he good or bad? He had the Coonskin hat. Watch the language. Easy. Black history months over, baby. So he goes, go, okay, here's all your stuff. He goes, go down to G8. Gate.

Yes, so the gates of hell So I go down there I go okay G8 And you expect the car to be right there I go okay Chevy Trailblazer Black 49218 Whatever license plate

And I wait in G8 And they go they'll bring it around to you Try to guess how long that took 12 minutes 20 minutes You're just sitting in a parking lot Like a twat going Is that my guy?

No And then I'm like How long you guys been waiting? And they're like, oh, we just got here. And I'm like, I'm going to go do club Shay-Shay. Oh, man, this is brutal. So I'm texting Shay-Shay. And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

The flight was delayed. The Avis thing took for it. I'm waiting for my car. And he's getting a little peeved. And also, I hit the lounge. But I couldn't resist. I needed that free coffee. But the lounge was there like eight minutes, in and out.

And so finally, G8 rolls around. They give me my Chevy Trailblazers. and I just, gie-hoo, I go right to Shea-She-She. He's annoyed. And we went right in there. And that guy is a hell of an interviewer. Really? Oh, my God.

It was like a real studio. He had a full crew, full setup. And he sat down. And he did that, does that weird thing. You ever had this on a pod where I go, hey, how you doing? And he's like, good, good. And we're sitting across from each other like this. And he's like prepping.

I guess he's in his gets in his head. So there's a good eight, nine minutes of him. him just like, well, he's an athlete, Jerry. He's like, he's all cracked up and ready to rock. It's all mental. So then I'm like, how you, how are you doing? He's like, good, good, good. Like, kind of like, let me work here.

Let me think. And I was like, oh, okay. So we're sitting there in silence for eight, nine minutes. And it was the most weird, awkward. He's dressed in Lulu Lemon. He's eight foot nine. That's I don't care for. It was scary.

And then he goes right with it. And action. So, Mr. Norman, funny man. What's shaking? I'm like, oh hey, where'd you come from? And it's one of those things. But man, that guy's a great interviewer. He did his homework.

He's like, tell me about New Orleans. Tell me about the bedwetting. Tell me about Enis. You're cross-dressing nanny. This guy was on top of it. And then if there was ever a lull, he would go, so I pulled up some tweets you tweeted that are really funny. Please explain that tweet.

So you're never a dull moment. We'd talk about everything. And it got awkward once. Ooh, I can't wait to hear it. I made a million black jokes. He's cool as hell. These athletes, they don't get offended. They're real locker room people.

Yes, exactly. It's all N-word this and N-word that. Exactly, which is what I said. I have Tourette's. But I was like, he's like, what did you think of the Chris Rock? Sorry, the Kid Rock National Anthem. And I was like, I thought it was weird. It was, you know, like a weird vegetarian option at a restaurant, you know.

And he was like, that's crazy. And I go, I think the black national anthem is kind of weird too. which I do. I'd rather us all come together. I didn't know there was a Kid Rock National Anthem. He made his own national anthem. Sorry, a halftime show. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I say.

I got 20 things going at once. I got you. So I said, I think the black national anthem is kind of, isn't that also a weird alternative? And he's like, well, we've been through a lot. I'm like, of course, I get it. So it's Kid Rock. Also says the N-word quite a bit. But my point is, let's find a new anthem we can all get behind.

Because should we do an Asian anthem, a retarded anthem, a wheelchair anthem, a Hispanic anthem? You want an all-encompassing anthem? Yeah, because I think it just divides. Sure. And I don't mean it like, fuck these black people with their, but I say, let's figure out a way to have one. Well, we have a national anthem. But they don't like it because it came out while the bad shit was happening. I see.

So I was trying to get that point across, but I'm arguing with a black guy on, Black History Month about a black anthem as the white guy. So eventually had to be like, yes, sir, I'll, I agree. Right. But it got a little tense. Oh, boy. I can't wait to see. Yeah. I'm sure they'll clip it and it'll be bloop-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-h. It's not going to look good. It's going to be like, white man, but no press is bad press. Tell that to Bill Clinton. Well, but then they said, wait, he's doing just fine. I guess so. I feel like every 10 seconds, it's like, hey, Bill Clinton fucked another kid. And he's like, see in hell.

No, I didn't. Teflon Bill. Is that good? No, I didn't. That's not bad. Hey there, folks. This week's episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you. Masa. I think I say it wrong.

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What are you drinking over there? Not bad. Looks like semen. I got a little water, but I put some... Seamen in it? No, no. What do you call that? Fuzz.

A little protein powder. It's all free shit. I don't know if it's any good. Protein's good. There you go. I'm protein. So, as Bill Clinton.

Eva Jovich. So, yeah, so I do it. And it's one of those things after you do it, you know, when you do a Gerogan,

you're like, who, oh my God. That was two hours of just freight train. I won't do it anymore because of that. It's like three days coming down. I'm like, I know. I got to go sit in a deprivation tank or whatever.

It's a lot. That's a lot, folks. So, of course. I'm in Vegas. So I landed. I got the Avis. I did all my work.

I did Shea-Shea. It went well. I'm out of there. She-She-She gave me a free bottle of cognac, by the way. Thank you. Sharpie. And I was like, get this cognac, got a rental car.

And I'm in Vegas. You know, you walk out the studio and it's like, bright lights big city. You know, and I got the hat on. Woo-wee. So Youngblood text me the other day and he goes, I see you're going to Vegas.

Oh, boy. I got some problems. Why don't I set up a show? And I go, oh, I got the night off. So he sets up a show at this rock bar, like a rock and roll club, sells out. We do the show and got shit-faced and stayed up till 6.30 gambling. Wow. Which in New York time is 9.30.

Right. So I just, I woke up with a baby in New York. It was snowing. Flew to Vegas and just stayed up partying till 6.30 in the morning. I don't know how you do it. That's insane. I'm hurting. I can't.

When was this? Wednesday. I don't know what day it is. What's today? Monday. Monday. Oh, okay. So you've had a little time to recover.

Yeah. Well, then we went to drove the next day we drove to Flagstaff, did a little theater there, got drunk there. The next day we drove to Tucson and. Oh, Tucson. Got drunk there. Damn. So, uh, wild, wild weekend, but all the shows are great. Arizona is, it's so pretty to drive through.

We drove, we were driven nine hours in Arizona. God damn. But Flagstaff, what a gym. Really? Oh my gosh, just a cute little mining town from the 18 whatever. And it's just like a Patagonia, crunchy university town. So what did you end up doing that? Because I remember we talked about this last time, the routing we were trying to figure out.

So you went Vegas drive to Flagstaff. Yes, which was about four. And then drove to Tucson. Yeah. Wow. Which was about five. So you had young blood. That's nice.

That helped. That helped. We chatted. We laughed. We drank. We ate. Now, how long a period are you going nuttuck? Because I feel like nine hours.

Eventually you just run out of stuff and then you just... And we're hung over. It's like you and sharp. So we wake up early because you got five hours of driving. So you kind of can't sleep in. You love to sleep till noon. But it's a little risky because you want to eat in the middle. Sure.

So it was a lot of like in the beginning, it's a lot of this. Because you're so hung over and you just, you know, 10 and 2. And then after about like 45 minutes you start going to, should we get coffee? What kind of coffee are you like? Oh, you go black? Oh, shit. I got like a little creole. It's a little better, and he's like, oh, you like cream?

Which to be in the best conversations. Just get to that nuanced, nitty-gritty bullshit. I don't want to talk about Iran. Sure. I want to talk about bullshit. Manusia. Which is my ex-girlfriend's name who was black. Horse Manusia.

So, did he win any money, lose any money? That young blood, I worry about this. Man, the drinking, the drugs, the gambling. Oh, he's all vice. He's vice. President. Thank you. Who's that?

JD Vance? Oh, yeah. What's the one of my thinking of? Who's the other guy that nerd? Kemp. Dan Quail? No, no. Sean Kemp?

Not Kemp. Pence. Pence. Mike Pence. Yeah, yeah. Kemp a fish. Sean Kemp is a play for the suposotics. He was good.

That's the beauty of this show. Pull some shit out of the back of your brain. So I go downstairs after I was like, I walk in. Youngbloods at the casino gambling and we're staying at some fucked up up casino and I come back down. I go, I'm going to go shower. I'll come back down. He's like, I'm up four grand. I was like, holy shit, this guy's on fire. That'll last. Then two days go by. He finds a casino in Tucson. I don't know how. This guy's up $4,000. There's more money he's going to make all weekend. What'd you say?

Is it probably Google? Yeah. So if I see a casino at Tucson, I go, hey, I'm going to take a nap or something. So I'll go over. He goes, I found a casino. 10 minutes away. I'm going to Uber there and gamble. I go, all right. have fun, you weirdo. So he goes and gambles in Tucson, and he can't get an Uber because it's like in the outskirts. He can't get an Uber. So he's like, oh, I found an Uber. It's going to be here in 45 minutes.

Well, I'll just gamble until it shows up. The Uber took so long. He lost everything. Oh, Jesus Christ. So the Uber fucked him. The Uber fucked him. That's what it was. Well, he got the Uber.

The guy's like, how are you? Johnson. He goes, how am I? You fucked me. He yelled at the Uber driver. Now, if he had won $150,000 that time. And would he have hugged the Uber driver and said, hey, here's 10%. You'd save me.

Give him a couple bucks tip and maybe three stars. Andrew, you call me if you need any help, my friend. He's a mess. He's vice squad. He's got every vice of the business. Vice president is funny, though. You know, the president of vice. I like that.

That's something. That's something. Vice principal. It's somewhere that words have multiple meanings. I don't know if other languages have that. I think that's an America thing. Well, porque means why and because. And Spanish.

And Aloha means hello and goodbye. So I take it all back. And remember with affection. Huh? Also, remember with affection. What about it on effect? Well, then you don't use Aloha. Well, then what do I say? Hello? You say, remember.

Ah. It means all three of those things. So if you want to remember that. Yeah. So I think, this is according to Screech from the Save by the Belk Hawaii special. He might be wrong. I don't know. RIP. But I think it means like, hey, you can say, Aloha means hello, but it also means see you later, but also means like, boy, that was a great time.

Aloha. Oh, I like that. You're not like, hey, why are you saying hello? We're in the middle of a conversation. You say, no, I'm saying, remember with affection, dickweds. So you make out with a girl, you have sex and she goes, all right, I'll see you later. You go, aloha. Yeah, but that can be goodbye, too.

But how do you know which one I'm saying? I think by context. It can mean everything. Context clues. Context lenses. Remember with affection? Does it say it? Fuck.

I've never heard that either. That's just from saved by the bell. I don't know. Screech died. Maybe it wasn't Screech. Maybe it was Zach. I can't remember what I believe. I believe if he's a guy.

He's a Filipino. Who? Zach Morris. What? He's Filipino. No way. Mark Paul Goslier is a Filipino. What?

He's as Asian as the day as Wong. This changes everything. Allie Wong. Wait a minute. I'm telling you. He's Asian? He's Asian. Look that one up.

Because if he's Asian, I'm moving to Canada. I'll bet you $50,000. Mark Paul Gosselian. I'll do you one better. I think we've had this exact dialogue on here. I don't know. I would remember him being Asian. Love and fellowship. Okay. Okay. By the way, a comedy club in Hawaii, aloha. It's right there. That's how you get to the top, baby.

Ideas like this. Rob Schneider, half Filipino. Is that right? Put that in your Filipino. Rob Schneider and Zach Morris, you combine them, you've got a full Filipino. Full nurse. Filipino Hanley. What do you got? Oh. What is he?

He's not Taiwan. I can sleep gently. Japan? No, no, no. Thai, no. Not Filipino. What's the other one? Vietnamese.

Laos. Cambodia. Fiji. Charlie. The Bush. Chinatown. He's half Dutch and the other half is what you're looking. Have a touch.

Wait, it's not Filipino. It's not Thailand. It's not. We're wearing a coat. Mark Paul Gossler talk is getting me warmed up. Indian, Japan, South Korean. Philippines. Oh, Indian.

Indonesia. Philippines and Indonesia. Same day. They're right next to me. They're all islands sprinkled next to each other. Indonesia. That's where you can't remember stuff, right? He's Indonesian.

Half Indonesian. Where the fuck is Indo-Nodonese? Right next to the Philippines. Is that right? Yeah, I'm telling you. So it's an Asian province or country. Philippines, Indonesia. Hoy, India, Indo, Indo, Indo, India, China.

Indianapolis. And there's Indonesia. Indo-Claugia. Right smack next to the Philippines. Look at that. It's a hop, skip, and a jump. What do those people look like? It looks like Zach Morris.

He doesn't look like a snitch of Asia. No, when you look at it, he's got yellow hair, he's got his tan. He's got, you know, blonde. Yeah, you know what it is? He's got a little bit of an eye situation. The white man is a conqueror, so the white conquers the Indonesh. Well, Dutch is so white, I think. Dutch is white on rice.

He's got wooden shoes and a windmill. You know what I mean? And he's hiding in Frank. Yeah, he's very Dutch. Yeah, and then going Dutch is that. You split the money? Yeah, is that real? Why is that based on the Dutch?

And who are the Dutch? I don't know. Interesting. Dutch chocolate. Yeah. Dutch the Ed Harris movie. Not Ed Harris. Ed.

O'Neill. Yeah, there you go. With Ethan Embry. Hmm. Hellen-embrie. How much time? Can I tell another tale? Oh, sorry.

Yeah. It's 55. Okay. Well, let me tell you this. Because this one, this made my blood boil. And maybe I'll be the cunt and this. Everyone will go, oh, what an asshole. But you're the cut.

These people that don't go, this is the greatest quality of a person is. Oh, shit, my bed. Oh, that's rare. How hard is that to do that? That's getting more and more rare by the day. I think so. There's no shame anymore. What are you kidding?

We shame all the time. No, no, but people don't have the shame. Ah, that ain't that. That's true. We don't have the shame. And I think that's right. Hold the shit. Yeah.

I think it's big. The reason we shame is because no one feels shame. Shame guilt. If everyone felt shame, all the people wouldn't have to shame. Japan is very big on shame. So anyways, so we're boarding the flight in Austin. We're getting ready to get on the plane, and it's me and Kramer, the baby, and the butler. And now this baby, he's two and a quarter now, and he's big.

So he's heavy. So I'm holding this son of an onion. It's like a 35-pound weight on my forearm for a long time while you're waiting to board. That adds up. You know, we got upgraded to first class. We're in first class. It's very exciting. Zone one.

Whoa, zone one bum donnie. So it's Delta. Pick up the trash. So it's Delta. We're waiting to board. Yes. And of course they do the, anyone want to pre-board. And then, of course, without fail, a bunch of people walk up.

No limp. No nothing. They just go, oh, yeah, we're pre-boarding. That's the problem. And everyone go, okay, yeah, you get to go. And you're looking. They're like 40 years old. Not too fat.

Not too skinny. Whatever. No integrity. Just, I'm getting on. All right, so they go on. Then you get your military. Then you get your fucking, anyone with Down syndrome, hop on the plane. Anyone with fucking colorblindness.

Get on the plane. Right, right, right. So we're waiting. Now, you know they have, there's the sky priority line, and there's the general boarding lane. Yes, yes. Yeah, they split it. So the big sign that says sky prior, it's red, big bright red sign, sky priority. A little arrow.

It's got an arrow pointing to the right side. side. I know. One of the bank divider things. Yes, yes, divider. So, and this is how human culture works. So now, as we anticipate, it's almost time to board zone one, everyone just lines up. They go,

jump in line. They love it. Jump in the line. So they all get in the wrong line. They get in regular general boarding line. Like six people. Okay. And he goes, all right, boarding through the sky priority lane only, zone one. So, now I

see. Now, maybe this is where I'm an asshole. Everyone's fucking up. Everyone's in the wrong line. So I'm like, do I jump in line behind everyone that's in line? Or do I go in the line that we're supposed to be in that he's asking us to be in? Do the other thing. So I go. Be a lot of loner. All right. Well, it says general, it says general boarding over here. They're all in that line. Oh, God. I'm nervous. It says sky priority over here. So I'm getting in the sky priority line because that's what I was asked to do. I'm a rule guy. Yeah. I love rules. I follow rules. You rule. So I'm holding the baby.

I got a backpack. I got a diaper bag. I got the baby. Sarah has a stroller with the backpack. We're going to get on. The guy is the thing. I don't need to describe it. It doesn't matter.

Oh, God. He goes, oh, whoa. Toddlers are after zone two now. Toddlers are after zone two. Wait, whoa, that's a new rule. That's pretty new. Yeah, it's newish. I go, oh, no.

We're in zone one. So I'm already, I don't like the implication. First of all, he opens harshly. Yes, yes. Now he's accusing me of trying to jump the line and do some tauta thing. When I am in fact in zone one and he's judging me by my clothes. I got stains. I'm a fucking piece of shit.

White trash asshole. How could I be in zone one? Sure, sure. Well, I gambled everything and it paid off finally in my 40s, you fuck face. So I go, well, I'm in zone one. And he goes, well, there's a line here. You got to add to the general board. You got to enter through Sky Priority.

And I go, well, I'm in Sky Priority. And he goes, hey, there's a line of people here, pal. Oh. He's like, there's a whole line of people here. And I go, okay, well, I'm waiting. First of all, I'm not cutting in front of them, by the way. I'm literally standing here while these people go. Yeah.

And I go, well, I'm in the Sky Priority Lane. He's like, no, no, this is the Sky Priority Lane. This is big. And now at this point, a guy has joined behind me. Aha. Another Zone 1. Power in numbers. And I go, well, I'm Zone 1.

I'm waiting for these people. But this is the sky priority lane. And you said to get in the sky priority lane. And he goes, no, this is the sky priority lane. I go, I got it. Sir, I'm not trying to be an app. Oh, boy. There's a big red arrow setting.

And then this guy chimes in. He goes, yeah, this is it. Yeah, I like the other guy. The guy doesn't go, oh, shit. I'm an asshole. Yeah. He goes, oh, okay. He's like, oh, really?

Okay. And I go out. And then he just scans in all these people. Wow. And I go, this is a guy. I go, so he saw, he knows, this is big. This is big. Right here. The guy does this. And he goes, listen,

everybody lands at the same time. Oh, now it matters. And I wanted to fucking fist fight. First of all, I'm not trying to land earlier. Right. I'm following the rules. Yeah, that you implemented. And I'm holding, all I want to do is put down the baby.

Yes, yes. It's very heavy. And he called me pal twice. No apology. And then he's just his passive aggressives. Oh, my gosh. Everyone lands at the same time. I'm like, yeah, that's not even the issue. That's not what we're talking about.

You're a fuck up. You've told me the wrong place. And you've come at me twice as an asshole. Yes. And this isn't some guy. This guy's like in uniform working. Right. I'm like, what kind of fucking professional are you? This is a microcosm.

What happened to you is a microcosm with a whole country right now. And that, you did the right thing. He fucked up and he can't come back on it. He won't backtrack. And that's part of the problem. And he judged. Judged me, Jerry. His logic is also wrong.

It's pissing me off. If you're all going to land at the same time, then why don't you all load at the same time? Right, right. It doesn't make any sense. That was just him being like, I need a win. I need a move here.

Just being a dick and no ability to be like, oh shit, you're right, sorry. And you're in a professional setting. You're in a business. Like, you're a customer. That's what I'm saying. He's the proprietor or whatever you want to call it. So you should be extra helpful.

And why don't you shit on all these people now? Like you're giving me shit for boarding at the wrong time Being in the wrong line Now that you've discovered they all got in the wrong line You should shift that animosity To all these fucking people But he can't shift Because he doesn't want to lose

Hate the shift No shift He's gonna walk away from that going That guy was a fuck He was difficult, huh? Right And you're like no no you're difficult And you're wrong

Double whammy Oh that is fresh I would have fumed the whole flight I was fuming and Sarah's like All right you gotta relax And then the other guy I was like So you knew the guy was like

Yay, man. So the one guy was quite helpful. You're just, you're going, ladies gentlemen, please, through the sky priority lane. And just to give me the, hey, toddlers. Yeah. On first class, motherfucker. But you just want to stand there the whole beep beep time when he's letting everyone in go. Hey, remember that with the lane?

Yeah, you were wrong. I remember how had the baby and he called me pal twice. You just want to sit there and needle him because you need a little bit of a retribution. What do you call that? A win, recognition. Yeah, you need a little acknowledgement. Validation. Yes.

Because you need some closure on the argument because you were right. But it also shows you that the majority, even as wrong as it can be, can win. Because people go, oh, there's six people in line. There's two people on line. The six must be right. That's how we think. That's the thing is everyone just follows. It's the same with traffic in New York, like pedestrians.

One guy starts walking while the light is green. Everyone just starts walking. Exactly. Exactly. That's who we are as people. And I get it because you're like, all these people are going to get on. And it's, I hate when people do the passive aggressive, like, whoa, why are you in a rush to get on?

You're like, well, also, because of you fuckheads, there's a limited space. I know. You will run out of space. And then your bag is three, so it actually does behoove you to get on earlier. Of course. I agree. But also, it's like, I have a fucking toggle. I just want to settle in.

Of course. You just want to put him in his seat and put them down and be like, okay, we're here. So the whole thing was very frustrating. See, that's such a minutious. story, but it's so much deeper there. Oh, I was, I was boiling, baby. I don't blame it. But if it had just gone, oh shit. That's it.

The acknowledgement. That's all I need. And if you're going to be a cunt about it, you better be damn sure which way that arrow's pointing. You got that right, pal. I know your pal. No pal. I wouldn't be your pal. Palestine. Palis spelled backwards is lap. Lap dog.

Lap. Bann? Rupert. Laptinos. All right. Well, where you're going to be? I mean, I hope Delta hears this. What's that? The Austin Delta? Austin Delta. Yeah, I hope you hear this, you fat quiff, and you change your tune. Sounds like a good quarterback name. Austin Delta, under center. Yeah, or some, the Steel Team 6th. Austin, Delta 1, 13. Cammerie. Where am I? This weekend, I'm in San Antonio. Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club.

Just when you thought you got away from the K-So, they pull you back to it. I know, back to Texas. There's only like 90 minutes from Austin. I didn't realize how close to them. Yeah. Anyways, San Antonio, I got big stuff. We added a London show, May 21st, sold out four months in advance. God bless you. What a cool sentence. That's exciting.

Well, the teeth over there, they recognize. We got Glasgow. We got Dublin. We got Belfast. All those in May, big UK tour and Dublin. And then I got Providence Patriots Day weekend. I got Fort Lauderdale. I'll be down there for the Miami Open in a couple weeks.

And what else? Poughkeepsie is in a couple weeks. Then I'm doing a whole Ohio run. Niles, Ohio, which is Youngstown, essentially. I see. Niles, Ohio, Toledo, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio. A bunch of those. Stopping by Cleveland to see a friend or whatever. But anyways, and that's it.

All right. Portland, Maine. Fourth of July, that's July 2nd and 3rd, I think. That just went on sale. Is that the club? Yeah, Empire. I love that fucking place. I hear a great thing.

I'm going there as well. Oh, it's awesome. At the Vets Theater in Providence, Rhode Island, the Indianapolis, Buffalo, Spokane, Lexington, Kentucky. I'm going all off the dome here. Get some bodega cat. Get on the Patreon.

We're about to do a bonus right now. It's humming. It's cooking. It's never been better. Never been bigger. Yeha. It's been bigger. But it's never been better.

That's true. But it's very good. It's lunch. I got to get you some money. Yeah, please. Love of Christ. March. I've spent it all

Big Chuck who's soft quitting. Yeah. All right. We'll see it. Yeah. Thank you very much. We love you.

Oh, comedy. Oh, the live pod. Oh, in L.A. Fat Netflix festival. May May, Planner,

I don't know. May 6th. Fifth or 6th? 7th. I think it's the 7th. I think it's a 6th. It's at the air improv.

Melrose Improv. Oh, no. It's the Tuesday. No, May 6th is my show. I have my own show there. May 7th is the night of my show. May 5th. is the, may the fifth be with you.

Okay. May 5th at the improv. Oh, is that Cinco de Mayo? We'll be live, yeah, we'll be live there. May 7th, I'm at the Improv. All right. We'll see you there. And Cinco.

Thank you.