Tuesdays with Stories! - #646 Impulse Bi

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

Joe has a great weekend in Virginia Beach and bumps into a very special person, and a kooky drunk fan with a faulty memory! Mark and has Native American connections! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me. Ha! Hey, hey, folks! We're here. We're hey, we're the monkeys. We don't monkey around. People say we monkey around. Oh, is that what it is?

People are always saying they're monkeying around. Oh. I think so. We hey, we're the monkeys. People say we're monkeying around. I think that's what it is. But maybe I'm wrong. It's been a minute.

We're too busy singing to put anybody down. But I could be wrong. Because sometimes you have lyrics in your head for 40. years, and then you hear it, and you're like, what? Yeah. It's that? My favorite misheard lyric of all time, you know the Journey song, I should have been gone!

Yeah. Lucas Harvey, remember Lucas? He thought it was cinnamon gum. Boy, Wrigley's so funny. That's big. Cinnamon gum is like one of the best lyrics ever. Because to sing like Steve Perry, a cinnamon gum. Yeah.

I would always say ELO, another douche in the night. That's not ELO. Is that? That's Manford Man. Oh, sorry. That's a Springsteen tune. I thought that was ELO for 25 years. No, ELO has another miss her lyric, though.

Bruce. Yes. Dog gave me down. Bruce. Bruce. I think it's actually Spruce. Spruce Springsteen. Some kind of spruce, but everyone thought it was Bruce, so now everyone chants Bruce.

I just read about this, because I thought it was Bruce my whole life. Spruce. I think it's spruce or deuce or boose. Well, the deuce is the duce is the duce. Deuce in the night. Yes. Another deuce in the night. Whatever that means.

They take a shit or something. Well, Springsteen said that because that was his first number one hit was that song. Really? Really? And he said the big mistake I made was I fucked up my own lyrics because I said Duce. They changed it to Dush and then Bloop number one. No. Really?

So it is Dush. I mean, the lyric is Duce, but they're saying Dush as clear as mud. Yes, yes. You're shaking your head. But, I mean, I think it's supposed to be Duce. It's Duce. I think I looked it up on. It is.

Deuce. But it sounds like douche. But you listen to it, they're saying douche. Anyway, they're having a good time in the studio. It's referring to like a 32 Ford. Yeah. Oh. So it's wrapped up like a deuce. Got it. So, yeah, he's a big car guy. He loves cars.

Doose Bigelow. Okay. How about, you know, surfing USA, like Beach Boys? Sure. That's just Chuck Berry's song, Sweet 16. They just changed the words. And then they had to eventually be like, oh yeah, Chuck Barry wrote this. Oh, really? Yeah, because when you listen to that Chuck Perry's song, you're like, wait a minute, this is surfing USA.

Damn. So they just put surf lyrics to his song. Wow, they were so innovative. You'd think they wouldn't be stealing shit. Brian Wilson was a genius. What's he doing with stealing Chuck? Well, I think they credited him eventually. I don't know if it was full.

I think he listened to it was like, it'll be fun to make this a surf song. Right. And the record company probably. Back then it was all strings and... Yes, puppet master. Puppets. Yeah, and the dead, a legendary dead evil guy. You know, like Joe Jackson, the Beach Boys Dead.

He was beating the shit out of him and fucking him in the ass. I wish my dad beat me or fucked me in the eye. Either one. I'd take both. We'd be funnier. Yeah. I don't know what funnier, but more successful. Sure.

Because I'd be like, I got to get out there and give it. I don't know. I went full macho man there. You got to get back to him. Snap into a slim gym. But a lot of these people were molested. Molesting either makes Oprah or it makes another molester. Was Oprah molested?

Oh, yeah. And Robin Quimbers, evidently. And Tyler Perry. Wow, a lot of black molestation out there. Well, plenty of white molestation, too. I guess we just named the black. Sure, DEI. The great DePalo joke.

Robin Quivers, you would, too, if your father finger fucked you when you were six. Oh, that's real. I assume it's real. I just thought it was a joke. I didn't know if she actually got finger fucked by your uncle. It might not be. We could look that up, but I just assume DiPaolo's not just making up. Pull it up.

Well, quivers right there. You go molesting. I feel like it's an A to B. I hope. I'll be bummed out if he just made that up. I thought he did. For like 30 years, I've been like that. poor gal because of Napolo

You didn't fact check? No, I just assumed. With Tupperware, you just assume. Pull it up. I'd love to know if she got finger fucked by her uncle. Robin Quivers, pedophilia, not pedophilia, well, pedophilia also, but what's that called?

Incest. The worst kind of pedophilia. Malested at the hands of her father when she was 11 years old. There you go, yeah. There's no way. DePaolo's just like, oh, what the hell I'll throw out that she was molested.

Man, he's quick on Wikipedia back in 1991, whatever that was. Well, he was around. He probably listened to the show. He knew them. I mean, we've probably mentioned it before. But the Howard Stern roast, Apollo, it's audio only. I mean, he's got some whopper. Something that I won't even repeat in here. Oh, yeah. He had Tourette's, if you know what I mean. It was wild. But the Colin Quinn has a roast of Artie Lang that is on video. Oh, that is the same one? Oh, no, it's video. I'm sorry. I'm confused. This has video, and Colin Quinn crushes. Like, the whole studio is on the floor. It's amazing. Yeah. Give it a goon.

Colin is also on the Stern roast as well. It's crazy that those guys were all just on there, in there. That show is so different now. Of course. The show transitioned. It took a 180. Right. I never listened to the show back then.

I loved it. And I very rarely listened to it now. I never was a radio guy. O&A and Stern. I missed all of that. I did it later. I did the E. Remember one was on E?

I watched a little bit of the E because you'd be able to jerk off to it. So a little bit I would watch. A lot of hookers, a lot of retards. You had two favorite things. And I remember they had that opening where he was around the microphone and it was like shifting. Kind of. And had doves flying for some reason. It was really kind of gay.

I think I only ever saw it like because back then you just clicked around the dial. That's true. I don't think I ever saw the intro. And you're like Cleavage, there we go. Right. But O&A I did on YouTube later and that was some gold because you'd see Patrice and Louis and Quinn and Voss and all these guys yucking it up. Yeah, I've seen some highlights and stuff. There's some gold on there.

I just never, I guess I was always listening to like classic rock radio. I never had a radio team that I was like, those are my guys. No, I never really had that either. I did it later, but it's sad like how things, I mean, it's crazy how different things were. Like the attitude era, Howard Stern, just like the shit women went through. It was insane in the 90s. Nobody cared. But aren't we in the same thing now, but with podcasts?

Like people will look back at that I mean think about Legion of Skanks Kill Tony Us Shane I mean like we're saying crazy shit about women all the day And we're huge

I don't think it's the same He's got hookers on Throwing cold cuts at their ass And seeing what sticks Have you seen Legion of Skanks What's it's audio I suppose It's video

This video It's not on E anyway It's not on NBC It's certainly There's no cooperation That's a good point Sheath and everything But yeah

It's not like cutting away. I mean, they have like, they're wearing blackface on there. That's true. Like, whoo-hoo. But it cuts to a sheath commercial, not, you know, General Electric. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But I mean, little stuff, like a Budweiser, and twins, and then they show two big tinnied whores holding a beer. But that's what's funny. And I think we've had a similar conversation, because there's a lot you could do then but can't do now. That's true. It's a lot you can do now, but couldn't do that. That's true. It's a switcheroo. Like, I mean, they were saying the N-word on S&S and S&S. at all in the family.

And blackface. But now you can do, now you can say shit and fuck on FX. Right. On cable. Like literally turn on commisentially. Like fuck that shit, motherfucker. And they're getting, I think I've seen tits on cable now. Is that right?

Is that a thing? Maybe not. Maybe not. But, you know, like in the 50s, you could do a joke about beating your wife all day long. But you couldn't sleep in the same bed. Right. Or you couldn't, now you can't smoke in a movie or on TV. You have to put a thing on.

smoking, but you can say fuck. So it keeps flipping what's offensive and what isn't. It's all wonky, but the stuff we get away with on podcast is pretty astounding. Sure, sure. But again, we're on this dark corner of YouTube with a sheathad. Right. They're out there on NBC. We're more popular than what's on CBS.

That's true. That's true because that shit got quefy and watered down. Yeah, like whatever... I mean, I can't even name a sitcom that's on now, but I think it gets less views than Matt and Shane's... A thousand percent. So, you know. So we won on the end.

Absolutely. You hope to think the cream jizzes. The cream rises to the top. Yeah, you hope to think it's like, well, Matt and Shane are funny. They're probably funnier than the sitcom with 98 commercials for Valtrex. I'll go with that. Well, now Shane has a sitcom. Pretty good.

Ah, good point. Featuring Matt, I think, a little bit. Maybe. He's on it. Yeah, I think he's a bike cup. I've only seen a couple episodes, but I saw him on there. He was riding around as a bike cup. Oh, good for him.

Sometimes I'm confused Gilly and McCusker. Oh, because he has like these two big partners that are different things. Keeves. Keeves. Yes. Oh, Gillis is Gilly. There you go. So that shows you what I know.

Keeves. Gilly Madison. McKeever. McKeever. McKeever. McKeever. They like the Irish. So it's sorry.

McKeever, McCusker, partner, partner. Oh, yeah. That's true. There you go. He's got a thing. That's their, you know, Helen Keller and Anne Frank. Matt McCarthy, better watch out. He's going to do something next with him.

He's good, that Matt McCarthy. He's a funny guy. Where's he been? I think he's in L.A. I think he keeps a low profile out there, but I think he's working. He was one of those guys. He got every commercial. Oh, yeah.

You go on for a commercial audition, and they're like, ah, Matt McCarthy got it. Give him a goog. He's like the Guinness guy, the truck guy, the weed whacker guy. He's everywhere. I think he was a cable guy for a minute too. Yeah. Cable guy. Yeah, funny guy, great face, really animated.

Got a big mop of red hair. Yeah, big Mick. That carrot top came on the other day. He's got a big mopper red hair. That will never not make me less. That's gold. You ever heard that point? The top of the carrot's green.

Oh, yeah. You brought this up recently. That's pretty good. But I think what it means is carrot top. The top of you looks like a carrot. That's true. But I like stuff like that. I do, too.

It's fun. I saw him on a prop plane once. Oh, I see. All right. All right. I tweet it. America's next prop comic. Do we tell you this idea?

You told me the idea. Danny Braff's got some good ideas. There you go. He's a cute little retard. He's non-autistic. I'm calling bullshit on all this autism. Autism and non- and, uh, bye are the two big, those are the two big lies in America now. Lyssexual.

Every single woman. Um, bye. Watch out. This is my boyfriend, Steve. Right. Exactly. I'm like, I'm by. I want to blow Michael Jordan.

I did when I was six, and I still do now. There you go. Bye-bye. Buy me. Can't buy me loves. You're impulse buy. You're by because it's cool. Are you doing that? No, that's something.

That's pretty good. That's better anything you got. Write that down. Impulse buy. I like bisexual as well. Impulse buy is good. Okay, that's what it is. Yeah, the other day I was at the supermarket and a hot guy said he liked my comedy.

I blew him. I'm impuls by. Yeah. I'm not by every time, but in the checkout lane, I'm by. That's where they put the gun. Gum and the hot guys. That's a lot of gum. Cumb.

There's something there. Come and gum. Give me some chewing cum. Yes. Both blow bubbles. This should be the show. Hey. Jizzy fruit.

Hey. That's not bad. That's your title right there. Jizzy fruit. Thinking of Michael Jor. Uh-huh. How about this NASCAR? He's cleaning up.

He's breaking records in NASCAR. Michael Jordan is? Yeah. He owns a bunch of cars or he owns a team or something. His team is killing it. He's out there with a cigar. He's the only black guy for a million miles, and he's just toasting champagne, winning every cup.

I don't know anything about this. Wow. Yeah, so MJ has found a new way to win. So how does he do it? Did he hire, like, a good GM? I don't know much about car racing because it's so stupid. I don't either. Yeah, they go in circles.

You know how it started, NASCAR? No. Oh, this is fun. That turned the key? That's fun. They used to be selling booze back in Prohibition. So they'd soup up their cars to get away from the popo, and they had all this moonshine at their feet,

and they'd be like, ah, they'd go around selling booze. So they would soup it up, and then it became NASCAR. And so somebody went, hey, the booze became legal. And they said, well, we might as well keep racing around. Let's charge tickets. Yeah, we got these fast cars everywhere all over the south. No kidding. How about that?

What's that? Nasty? Because it's kind of like Naz. NASDAX? Same spelling. I don't know. What is NAS? He's a rapper.

I think. Nas. Nas is a rapper. Yeah, he's from Queens, I think. I believe he's right. National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. Whoa. Whoa.

So the car doesn't even mean car. The whole thing's an acronym. How about that? Good for these hillbillies. That's mind-blowing. Maybe that's where they got the circles. It's a drunk guy. He fell asleep, but the wheel was cocked.

I'm blown away. So the car and NASCAR is just initials. The C-Stance for car. That's crazy. That's fun. Good for them. That's really, that's clever stuff. I thought these are a bunch of redneck returns, but they're pretty clever down there. Also, race car is one of the only words that works the other way.

Paladrome. Thank you. Something like that. I think that's a tech company. Race car spelled backwards is race car. A Toyota spelled backwards. Toyota. Oh, fun.

Remember the first time you saw the guy do the yo? That was big. Well, that was on Toy Story. That was the big toy story. Oh, what was going on in the 80s? And then they had it in boyhood, too. And boyhood is very similar to Toy Story 3, and they have that connection, the ending of it. Oh, interesting.

Very similar. The kid going away to college in the same truck as the other kid. Well, it's also funny because you'd be in the back, you'd be in a car, and you'd see the yo in front of you driving in traffic, and you'd go, yo! And that was entertainment. That was like a moment of like, ah, something. Yo was you. There was yo-yo, yo, MTV. Yes, yo-yo.

And that's all I can think of. Yo-Yo-ma. Yeah. A yo-yo-ma. Yeah. But yo is like, here you'd say, yo. And where I came from, if you said yo as a white guy, it was like, whoa, look at this fucking guy.

What are you from? Fucking South Central. Yeah, take it easy, wig. Yo, yo was, that was huge. Well, you know, it's fun in the Brooklyn Museum right over here. There is a sign, like a big art piece that says, yo. And if you go on the other side, it says, because it's all blacks and Jews out here.

That's pretty good. Yeah, so they nailed both demographics with one two-letter word. And that's what they're saying when they're walking towards of each other. He's like, yo, and he's like, oy. Because yo can mean so many things, you know. Yo, yo, yo, like look at this. Yo means look at this. But yo can also be in, hey.

Sure. Yo. Yo. And then Italians go, oh. Yeah. They go O-H. I-O. Ohio.

Ohio. Sorry, I can't spell. That's a big thing. You've heard that they yell O-H and then you yell I-O-O. It's a whole thing. Whenever I'm bombing in Cincinnati, I go, O-H, they go, I-O, and I go, I go, I go out of that one. My buddy, I think it was my buddy Bart, who's Ohio State alum. Is that a buck guy?

Yeah, he'll be wearing the thing. People go, oh, age, he goes, I don't do that. Which is pretty great. Wow. He's 50 years old. He just turned 50. Wow. And he's hanging out, and he's got his hat on.

He went to school. He loves the team, and you go, oh, age. Nah, nah, nah. I like these guys. They put their foot down. I said, what do you know, I got to walk around. Like, it's just like, you know. It's too much. You don't need it.

And it's like Larry David. He's shot down the birthday song. He's like, I'm 50. I don't sing that anymore. Right. Happy birthday do. He's like, I can't do that. Well, it's like these Australians with oy, ooy, yeah, yeah.

What is that? What do they do? Ozi, Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozie, O'sy, yeah. Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah. All right, P. Did anybody ever get a Coke from Jinks? No.

like legitimately ever be like, ah, shit. I'll be right back. Maybe some stickler asshole was like, I'm sitting here until I get that Coke. I never got one Coke in my life. That's true. Buy me a Coke. So it was something.

We said owe me a Coke. Jake's, we said bye. Sexual. It's a myth. Anyways, this is fun. This should be the show. What a way to make a living, by the way? Good.

Give the NASCAR a goog if you want, because he's cleaning up. Jordan. Oh, Jordan. It's fat. I believe you. He's out. there, he's got the cigar out of his ass, and he's just ear to ear. He's having a blast with all these fucking yokels. Well, I love MJ. I can't see that far. What does that say?

That's his car. Jeannie, is that you? I can't see that far. Remember? Uh, anyways, Jordan's the man. He'll be great at anything he does except for the wizard. Didn't he own the wizards, or is he still own the piece of the wizards? Or am I gay? Grand wizard. Or maybe it was the Charlotte, actually, the bobcats. He didn't play with the wizards. I thought they were the hornets. They played on the Hornets. Then they went back to the Hornets. They were the Bobcats. They were the Hornets.

Then the Hornets moved to New Orleans. Right. And then the Charlotte Hornets came back. Yes. Then we got the Pelicans. That's gay. Yeah. By the way, a hornet.

A hornet. Yeah. You know, like a dog catcher. Are you doing that? I got to write down Impulse Buy. Hold on. Impulse by is big. Lex wrote it down.

He texted over here. I had a fun one. A black guy was like, hey, you can't say the end where I can say. I was like, all right, you got to get out of jail a free card, but not with real jail. He didn't care for that. Well, in this city, who knows? You can do whatever you want and get out of jail out of jail. I stabbed a guy, Mom Donnie took my side.

How about this one? Let me throw another travel story at you. Please. Now, this one, you tell me, I need a judge and jury and... Executioner. Well, I don't want to execute anybody, but... All right. Well, maybe a couple people.

Don't join the force. So, anyway, so... I go down there. I'm flying back from where did I just go? Oh, Virginia Beach. Oh, how was that? Went down to Virginia Beach. Well, first of all, the greatest weekend ever in your life because

they do one show Friday, two show Saturday, and I got Chad Daniels to thank for this. What? I bumped into Chad at the airport. Love CD. That's a great bump into. Big bump. Because a lot of times you bump into a guy at the airport and you're like, oh, fuck me, there's

boop. And then you walk out. Oh, Oh, my God, he's saying hello, and you've got to go, oh, yeah, that's great, that's funny. But Chad, you're like, I'll beat off in his face. That's how much I love him. Real stand-up guy. He's a man. Very masculine. That's a man down there.

And funny. I mean, one of the best. If you don't know him, I'm sure you do. I think he's blown up in the last few years. But if you don't know him, check him out. Dad Chaniel's great album, great specials. Walking on the moon, I believe, is one. Is that right?

I walk on the moon's a Brian Regan special. So walking on the moon's a little close to that. Something with Moon. Moon dance, Moon, Warren, Chek. Warren Peace.

Warren Peace, Moon. Moon Pie. Moon Shadow. Moonshine. NASCAR. Footprints on the moon. Thank you. Footprints on the moon.

Sorry about that, Chad. Also, Erskimo Brothers, which I take very fondly. Wow. Yeah. What was his name? Shane Moss.

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exclusive offer of 15% off online with code Tuesdays 15 at hule.com slash Tuesdays 15. New customers only. Thank you to Huell for partnering and supporting the show. Back to the pod. Hewle. Anyway, so I bumped into chat. So evidently, he told the booker like, hey, stop making us do these late show Fridays. If we're not selling them out, just cancel.

I don't want to be working on that for a bunch of drunk maniacs. They come and go, woo-hoo. And they are drunk and VB. So they made it a local show. So I go down there. I'm flying down Friday. I have one 7 p.m. show. Now, do you find this?

When you have 1 7 p.m. show. You start drinking immediately. I'm stressed out with what I'm going to do at that time. Ah, yes. It's like when you have a babysitter or your wife's out of town, you're like, should I get a hooker? Should I go to a strip club? Should I do coke?

Should I do meth? Should I do heroin? Should I watch a movie? Should I read a book? Should I take a nap? Oh, me a Coke. I'm like, I'm going to be done at 830. So I'm like, let's go to the movies.

No, let's go to dinner. No, I'm not in the pool. No, I'm not a bed. Go to the beach. It's like, I don't know what to do. If you give me free time, I'm fucked. Because you've got the baby now, so you've got to soak it up. Well, you feel like this should, this never happens.

So I got to really suck the marrow out of the bone, out of Chad's bone. You got to maximize it. So, you know, I end up just staring. I'm like, should we go to cheesecake fashion? Yeah, I think you end up doing this. Yeah, yeah. Like, let me see what kind of tits I can find on Instagram. Oh, yeah.

Hit that little Mackeyfaxie. Magnifying glass. It's over. So we fly down there. We got one show. And I also, this is fucked me up. It's like a 40-minute flight to Norfolk, Virginia, which is 10 minutes for Virginia Beach. Oh, okay. So I took like a 2.30 flight. Now, you do this all the time. This is not how I live my life. So I have that feeling of like, I'm flying out today. I got a weekend. But I'm not leaving the house to like 1 p.m. Ah, that's a weird feeling. It fucks me all up. So I'm at the playground, you know, smelling panties.

And I'm like, should I leave? Should I not? And finally, It's like, one, I'm like, I'm going to leave. This doesn't make any sense. So I go to the airport, and then I'm just two hours early at the airport. Sucking my own dick. Nightmare. Meet up with Matt Wayne. We fly down.

We get down there at like 4 o'clock. It's so funky to me to arrive somewhere so late in the day. Yeah. Show ended up being great. 7p. Virginia Beach, good people sold all the merch. Two shows Saturday. That was fun. We went down to the beach, walked around.

You know, you try to live, you know. Yes, yes. So we went and saw that send help movie, which is a hell of a picture. That was Friday night. Saturday. Friday night. We ended up going to the Cheesecake Factory post-show. Okay, I bet it was bumping.

It was bumping and slumping. It was crazy. And it was a real road game, by the way. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was like, whoa, Nelly, I've never seen anything like this in the cheese. Yeah, that's all they got in that town is a bad beach and a cheesecake. And I think it's a military town.

That's why they drink so much. Big military, yeah. Friday night at the Cheesecake. I mean, that's like Studio 54. Well, we had one of these, too, where it's so packed, they put you in here. and it's like Larry and Richard Lewis the lunch from hell I'm sitting this close to my neighbor

Oh yes I hate that And so you're like Hey did you like that bit I did What the bit? They're like you comic And I'm like no no no no no No no no no Oh god

Yeah your elbows in their pasta Yeah it's so close Cut this motherfucker right here So anyway Cheesecake was great Shoot everybody's ass That is one of the great Pieces of Dialogue in history

So funny I've seen it a million times You're talking about my wife and kids. You know what I'm going to cut this motherfucker right here. There's so many layers there. No, no, it ain't Raymond. He used to fake a robbery. I mean, it's all gold. Take off that mask and put down that gun.

A lot of crazy motherfuckers walking around this neighborhood. That's the hell of the gun. Now you're robbing me. I'm like, I get my gun, shoot everybody's ass. And the way they hop the fence off. Oh, that's great. That's a beautiful film. That's a beautiful film.

Rod Shelton. He's the greatest. Anyways. Is he dead? I don't think so. I hope not. I don't think he's dead. Did he do anything else?

Ron Schultz. Yeah, Bull Durham. He did bowl? He did the two fucking best sports movies ever. Whoa. I think he played minor league baseball. A lot of comedy in those, too. I mean, the guy was fucking hilarious.

Yeah. Two of the great scripts ever. Black fella, right? I don't think so. I think he's white. Oh, I always thought he was black. Because he nailed that black experience with the white men. Well, I think he spent a lot of time there.

Siddeen. He's alive. Alive and well. Is he working? He's 80. Oh, he's 80. Wow, so he was 60 with white, well, 55. Oh, you're out of your mind.

You were old. Yeah, shit, you're right. That was 35 years ago. Oh, wow, we are old men. Oh, God, I'm wearing flip-flops. Yeah, he was like our age. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God.

Yeah, somebody said, now to 1990 is longer than 1990 to 1956. Yeah. Holy come Gus Lid Nazi. That'll wake you up in the middle of the night. Whoa, man, it's Mickey. Well, fucking Salacuse just texted me. I'm sure he texted you the same thing. I think he'd just copy and paste text

and send him to everybody's ever met. But he texted me, you know, the episode, my favorite moment in the history of Seinfeld with Eric the clown, John Favre. He goes, you hung up on some clown from the 60s, man. And he's like, you're obsessed with the show Seinfeld, which is the equivalent of the 60 then. He's like, you're hung up on some clown from the 90s.

Oh. Then I wrote, ah, very clever, nice job. He didn't send me that. I'm hurt. Well, well, well, What can you do? He didn't send me my camera back either. I'm waiting on that footage. I got one from Jason Katz, where it was in 2025, who knew my whole life would be content creating?

And it's Jerry and George of the Diner going, what is this? What are we doing? This is what we're doing with our lives? And George's like, don't I know it? I know it. You know that scene? And it's content creating. I see.

It's not my clip. Can I tell you all the Seinfeld now, if Seinfeld were thinking. I've never enjoyed one thing. I don't mind it. There was another one that 300 people sent me. It's like a guy at the gym. I didn't even watch it. It's like created by Seinfeld.

And if Modern Seinfeld, if Seinfeld were the thing now, just let the show be. I see. Give me the show. This is the show. Sure. And we're not changing it. Right. That's how I feel.

I like it because they know it so well. They know the characters so well that they can implant them with an Instagram DM or a Snapchat chat moment or a Zoom joke, you know. It's kind of fun. Yeah, I suppose so. Maybe I should give it another chance. You're clever. Some of them are like, you're like, wow, that would be a great episode.

Or damn, you fucking nailed it. Every character. Right. All right, maybe I'll be more open-minded to this. There you go. So wait, how's VB? Because I got heckled for three days in that place. They got some rowdy.

It's a balcony. No, there's a new club. Whoa. Hoping a month ago. So the one other time I'd been to Virginia Beach was way back, and I think 2008. Wow. I was booked

for Dave Attell and it was one of these ones. I drove my car down there, my neon censure, what the fuck? Dodge Neon. What was that? Eight hours?

I think it's like six. Six and a half maybe. Drove all the way down there and it's one of these ones. You show up and they go, oh, Dave brought his own guy. He brought Big J. And Dave Smith came along.

So the show was me hosting Dave Smith, Big J, Dave Attell. He let everybody go on. Oh yeah. What a sweet drunk. So, and then this is the first time I hung out with Jay and Dave, and I'd never seen this before. They brought their, like, PS4, whatever it was. That was big. That was big.

I never heard of anyone doing that. To me, I don't know if you're like me. I think you are. When you plug, if I plug something in and get it set up, I've never touched that again. You know me too well. The idea of unplugging any kind of system and driving with it. Yeah, wrapping it up. Forget that.

I'm not trying to be funny. I legitimately mean this. You know, I think about moving. to a house or to Austin or to Tacoma. And I don't think I ever will because I got my cable set up. I'm with you. Changing my Wi-Fi, redoing passwords, calling the cable car. I got a new house.

I can't do it. I'll stay. I'll die here. I'll just live here. We have three more kids. We can't fit in the house. Same. I cannot unplug my television.

The other day, my son hit H-DMI or something. I picked him up and kicked him. He's grounded. I fucking duct tape him to the wall. I'm like, you fuckface. I know. Get tennis back on my television or you're dead. I am with you.

I'd rather build a new house than set up the fucking, what's that red one? And then there's the yellow one, the HTML, and this guy, that weird one with the needle on it that goes on the wall. I hate all of it. I can't do it. I fucking pay the cable guy. I'm like, I'll give you 50 bucks and you can fuck my wife in front of me. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'm with you. Some guys just know how to do that shit. There's that one guy I grew up with who's like, I got it. He would start doing that shit, and it'd freak me out. No, it's like cable guy with the fucking... When he has the remote? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I can't do it.

Anyways, I can't see Peter. So anyways, they brought the video game system down. We all smoked weed. Wow. And it was me, Big Jay and Dave Smith. Imagine Big Jay featuring. Isn't that wacky? Crazy.

I'm sure he looked the same, though. Probably had long hair, the jeans shorts, the chain. I think so. And then I was never a big weed guy. So they, you know, they did the... Yeah. And they hit me, and they're like, do you want to play? I was like, I couldn't, I don't know how to play a game anyways.

No, no. And I just sat and dead, they probably thought I was retired or autistic or whatever. I don't think autistic was a word, but I just sat and stared at them playing Mega Man or whatever fucking Nintendo game they were playing. Paperboy, sight bike, I don't know. Skater die. Yeah, but I do, not to besmirch the guys, it's kind of a good way to stay out of trouble. You're probably drinking less.

You're not philandering and getting hookers. blow. I think he's still philandered. Oh, okay. All right. But you're going on the road. I don't know. Leave the fucking system at home. It's too much. It's like bringing like, oh, I got to bring my pillow

and my VCR. It's too much. You can't be away from your video game system for two days. Well, now I like to go with you on these things. Please, push back. But now, the equivalent now, this is 2008. The equivalent now, is like, what do you got to bring your phone for?

That's different. That's different. It's different, but it's similar because it is like, this is how I'm going to pass. I mean, the phone you need, I get it for messaging, whatever. Messaging email, you could get on the plane with it, you know, GPS. But you're not just using it for that. You're still looking at Instagram at night. So that was the equivalent of Instagram back then, I feel like.

I hear you, but the phone is portable. I can be looking at my phone and still be at Virginia Beach, walking and seeing the waves. Right. I can take photos of the sun. I can go out to eat with the phone. You know, this is just planted Holiday Express eight hours. Yeah, I get it. It's just something to do, I guess.

I've never been a video game guy. Me neither. It's hard to connect with it. Yeah. But, you know, I bring a book. So I'm reading a book. You can bring a book to the beach. That's true.

And the bar. But now you can bring a video game to the beach. That's true. These kids play whatever the hell they're playing. Candy Crush and Tetris. I just think, hey, you're going to Buffalo. go to a barn Buffalo Meet some Buffalo guy

Get a wing I hear you No I like to live it up And that's why I can't have Video games in my house in general Same I just I always feel like I'm struggling To focus

Without a video game Yeah here here It's like it's hard enough I'm with you Fetty So anyways You have the early show Saturday Surprisingly there was a six It's a sixth

This is another beef Six 30 Oh And 930 I'm like, if you're going to have a 6.30, make the second show nine. Yes, yes. What's the point of having a 630 show if we're going to wait around for an hour and a half for the next show?

Exactly. That is brutal. So then you end up walking around. We're just standing around with a thumbs up our ass. But they had Amazon. We had a nice little trio movies. We had Lubowski and DeFargo into a simple plan, which is damn fun. It's a Cohen marathon. Cohen, well, Ramey, but Ramey and Coens, they're all.

That's true. Bunched up in the same point. while. Yeah, yeah. But anyways, so the early show, 6.30 p.m. show, I haven't had a show like this in a long time where it was a lot of putting out fires. A drunk guy over there. A lady yelling over here.

A hooting and hollering there. Then checks are loud and noisy. You get no work done in that way. Because you want to just be able to roll and get momentum to see what joke is cooking. And this is just like, hey, shut up. You guys good? What are you guys talking about? It just kills your whole momentum and your whole set.

It was wacky. And it was the show. First show I've done a long time where it felt like non-fans outnumbered fans, like old school. Now, do you have that thing where you're like, I'm a pro? I've been doing this for years. I had more non-fans for years than I've had fans. I can get these quiffs. Yeah, I mean, it was still a good show.

It's a very good show. It was just a different feeling I haven't had in a while. It was like... Yes, it's work. It was like we played man defense the whole season, and then the last game, the coach is like, we're playing zone. Right. And you're like, all right, I'm playing defense. but this feels funky.

And it's like trying to bang your wife versus banging a stranger. I would love to bang a stranger. Well, of course, that's all we think about. But with your wife, you go, you know what's up, you know where I'm at, you know what my dick looks like, here we go. It's the same with a fan. They know you, they know you're a good guy, a quiff, an anal, a Jew, a gay.

But then with the new people, you've got to go, it's like you're trying to get laid. You're like, hello, let me open soft, let me ease into your asshole. I can't go right in like my wife. Exactly. But it ended up being fun. Right show was fun. It was a good weekend.

Solid weekend. We sold out a merch. There was some real cuckoo fans. One lady was fucking hammered. She was telling me a story about you. Oh, Mark said this on the thing. And you're like this. What are you saying?

Oh, boy. It was just all tuned up. That's my peaceful. Security guy had to be like, okay, ladies. Okay, sweetie. And you feel bad because, and I've done this in my drinking days. She obviously is a huge fan. She's pumped for the show.

She loves us. She loves the stuff. And now you're not even going to remember. And even during the show, she was like, Oh, no. And you're like, well, now you're all excited. I've come to Virginia Beach for the first time in 75 years. Yeah.

You can't wait to see me. You got the shirt on. Your eyes are in backwards. You blacked out. Now did you get a photo with her? No, I don't think so. Oh, not even a keepsake. So she's going to go, what the, who did I see?

Maria Bampford? What was that? What did I do Saturday? Got to hear this and be like, he's talking about me. I know it. Actually, it'll probably like four women that are like, think this is me. Oh, wow, that many drunk bruns.

Yeah. Damn. What can you do? That's a drinking town, but that beach has a bit of an AC vibe. It's got an Atlantic City vibe where you can tell it had a heyday and now it just covered and dinge. Yeah, there's a lot of dinge and some cooks, but it was wonderful. So then we go to the airport Sunday morning, and here's where it gets a little funky dupoos.

I don't know what that was. We go in there. I get a stroke. I put my suitcase through the thing, and this happens all the time. Now, you know me, you know you. We're veterans of the skies. Yes. I fly every week for 20 years, for God's sakes.

Dustin Diamond. And it's always these small towns, Norfolk or Columbia, Missouri. Right. It's fucking Wyatt Earp back there. Oh, yeah. You go to JFK, LaGuardia, SFO, L-A-X. You can have a bag of dynamite, a double-sided dildo, three cans of cocaine. They go, keep it moving.

Yep. Fly in. You can have a skateboard. machete, a knife, a child for sex. They just go, okay, keep it moving, nothing to see here. Yeah. You go to Norfolk. The thing.

Julie, Julie. Hey, Greg, come over here. Like six people gathered around the fucking X-ray. Here we go. Yeah. The guy's like, what is that? An eraser? Yeah, we got to open it up.

Well, now, this is the thing. I don't unpack my bag ever. My suitcase is just sitting in the floor. You come to my house. There's a big suitcase. I'll show you mine after the pub. It's next to the door. It's sitting there.

My wife hates me. But I'm like, why am I going to unpack all the shit? Of course. So it's there. And I don't add anything other than a pair of panties and a new dildo. Ditto. Dilldo. So I've been flown 350 times.

Whatever is in there, I've flown from every fucking airport corner with it in there. I don't even change the underwear. So they go, okay. And they talk like this. Right. You can't hear what they're saying. You're like, all right, here we're. Matt Wayne is like, what's it going on here?

So I'm like, I don't know. They got my suitcase over there. Okay, whose bag is this? They're finally ready. They've been huddled up. It's like umpires. Right. Exactly.

They click on the microphone. Okay, ladies gentlemen, who's bag? It's my bag. And you want to be like, I'm here more than you are. I know. So the lady pulls the bag over. It's a regular black toomey suitcase. The most hacked, known suitcase demand.

Yes, yes. And she goes, you got a torchlighter in here. It's not a to me. I go, okay, no sweat. And again, it's been in there literally for a year. Sure. Now, you're not allowed torchlighters. So I'm not saying, hey, I'm in the right.

I will say I've gone through 750 security machines without it being a problem. You want to shame them a little like, well, tell your friends, they're slacking, because this has been in here for a year and a half. Exactly. But I'm trying to, you know, you've got to stay humble. Compli. It's an illegal thing. I'm complying.

And I don't care about the light. I haven't used it ever. It's like a thing that I used to smoke once and I just, it's in there. Get rid of it. So I don't care. So she goes, all right, you got a torchlight. I go, no problem. And she goes, well, do you want to check the bat?

And then the lady goes, hey, you can't check it. You can't check it either. Like, okay, well, yeah, throw it away. I don't care. They love the power. So it's hard to see about my suitcase. So she opens the front zipper. There's like a little, you know, those pouches everywhere.

Like a kangaroo. She opens the pouch. I go, oh, it's not in there. I don't keep anything in there. And she's like, well, whoa, well, she feels around in there. She's like, it's not in here. And I'm like, yeah, it's not in there. Now, the suitcase is a fancy pants suitcase.

It has like a lock on it. They have like a compartment that is locked. So the TSA people can't get it with the safe. Now it's been broken for like a year. I don't know how to open it. I set the code at one point. Oh, no. I have no idea how to open it.

It doesn't open. It's never been open. By the way, the lock and the suitcase thing, that's up there with the TV and the wires. That shit I don't mess with. I don't know how to use it. I never used it. Same. I don't even do my taxes.

So it took me a moment to figure out. Oh, that's not true. You got a lot of stuff here. Yeah. It's a picture of them zip tying. Oh, my God. I was kidding. Tax machine.

So, by the way, if anyone's wondering, the check from RU Garbage, I found the check. That's a whole other bag of hammers. I said, Craig, our investment guy, a large sum of money. The check was missing for like a month. Oh, my God. I got it. Anywho, so there's a compartment with the master mate. I don't know.

It's locked, and she goes, what's this? What's the code here? And I go, oh, it's not in there. I don't know how to open that. And she's like, oh, here we go. We got a live one. What do you mean? You know, not open it.

I go, it's not in there. Now, let me just give you the punchline. I didn't realize there's a misconnection. This lady is a little slow and off, I guess. Norfolk. She thought the suitcase doesn't open at all because I don't know how to get the lock. Oh, okay. So that's the misconnection here.

So I think I'm telling her that one little tiny compartment with a lock on it I don't use ever. She thought somehow I was saying, I don't know how to get into this suitcase. I just carry her out a suitcase. I can't open it. Exactly. So I don't realize she's thinking that because it's stupid. She doesn't realize I'm thinking this because she thinks that's stupid. Got it.

Stupid on stupid. It's not in there. And she's like, well, I'm looking, and it's right here. I'm like, I know, but it's in the main compartment. I don't know how to open that. And she's like, well, what do you mean? You don't know how to open it. It's your suitcase.

And I was like, I know, but it's broken and I don't ever use it. I'm sorry. And so there's like this weird tension. She's like, I don't understand what you're saying. And I was like, I'm saying it's not in there. It's in the other part. And then she brings over the lady. Now here comes the supervisor.

Now this lady who's being very sweet, friendly. Okay. Here comes the supervisor. Oh, no. And she goes, what's going on here? And I go, there's a lighter in there. You're welcome to throw it away. I just, it's not in there.

And she's like, he doesn't know the code. She's like, how can you not know the code to your suitcase? Welcome to Tuesdays. I'm like, well, it's broken. I've never used it. I don't use it. And she's like, well, what do you do? How are you going to get your stuff out when you get to where you're going?

That's a fair question. And I'm like, well, I don't keep stuff in there. So again, I'm not realizing. I assume they know there's a larger compartment that is openable. Got it, got it. So that's why I'm like having this. disconnect. I'm like, what do you mean? I'll unzip it. That zipper right there. And she's like, don't touch it. Don't touch the suitcase. Kind of a who's on first here. It is. And I'm

like, well, oh, so then I realize, I'm like, oh, no, that's the zipper, the main compartment. And she's like, what are you, what are you zipping? I don't know. This went on for like so long. Oh, wow. I was like, no, no, you open it here. And she goes, don't touch the suitcase. Tell her how to do it. And I was like, I did tell her how to do it. She can't figure it out. Oh, boy. Which is true. And the lady wasn't even offended, by the way. The original lady. Norfolk. I'm like, okay, well, open that zipper, and finally she unzips it and opens it. And it's like this moment of like, here you go.

And this lady, and I said to Matt, I turned out to Matt. I'm like, this is insane. She's like, hey, don't talk to him. Don't do that. And I was like, what? It was crazy. I'm an American. The original lady goes, this is the craziest suitcase I've ever seen.

This is the craziest suitcase? It's literally the most common suitcase. Yes, yes. It's a black, to me. By the way. I can't even name a second brand of suitcase. To me is like the gold fucking standard suitcase. It's the number one.

It's like the store at every airport. It's like literally a few months ago, me and another guy mustuckingly took the wrong suitcase. That's right. Because everybody has this suitcase. Dibit doesn't. I'm like, this looks like every suitcase. I'm like, it's not that crazy. Yeah, Timmy Tunes.

There's a big super zipper that you open and it fucking folds out. I've ever seen. It's hilarious. You know, I've seen some wacky suitcases out there. There's a suitcase that kid sits on that rolls. That's wacky. It's a roller blue. I was in the same suitcase.

It's a Tweety Bird with wheels on it. I mean, there's camouflage. There's fucking accordion. There's duffel bags. So I was like, yeah, it's just standard. That she finally opens it. The zipper's sitting in the air. She's like, what do you want to do?

I'm like, throw it away. I don't care. I don't give a shit. Yeah. But yeah, she was like, I've never seen a suitcase like this. Thank God you. You show up to the airport. at nine hours early.

You're going to talk to Susie Q for nine weeks. And by the way, the original lady, she was like, thank you for being so patient. The other lady was a big C word at me. Sure, sure. She was next to being so patient. I was like, seeward bound. No problem.

And she was like, don't touch it. Just tell her how to do it. And I'm like, I told her how to do it. Like, you got a dip shit here. I'm sorry. She doesn't know how to unzip a fucking thing. Well, that's a crazy suitcase. But I'm like, but I get, I try to, you know,

I try to see, like, it is weird to hear there's a code that I don't know. Sure. But she just didn't figure out that that's like one small compartment. Right, right. So it's a miscommunicate. You've had two airport fennaffles, fluffles. That was like to say it was three days apart. Corpuffles.

But she's like, this suitcase is nuts. Yeah. It's got fucking four wheels and a handle. It's black. Exactly. It's a suitcase. It's actually too common. You're going to get in trouble with it.

It's too me common. There we go. Two common. Yeah. But again, like, actually. And, like, afterwards, I realized where we were disconnected. Man, oh, man. And, you know, I try to see things with it, but I'm like, of course it does open.

Yeah, of course. It's like insane. How you could open your suitcase? It'd be like if there was like, I'm trying to think of like an example. Like a restroom that's like, oh, it's out of order. And you're like, well, what do you do? You shit on the floor? Right, right.

And you're like, no, well, we'd have a different place. Different toilet, yeah. Something like that. Well, can I see what's interesting about you? And this is a big, deeper conversation here. Please. Well, the airport is TSA, it's ego, it's security, it's power. They're the authority.

Right. We're the TSA. We stop terrorists. Blah, blah, blah. You are very logic-based. You're very factual. You're very truth-based. I try to be.

And that butts heads with their power, because they've got their way of doing everything. And it's, again, I always say it's a microcosm of what's going on. you're very logical. So you're like, but this is this. This is the priority lane. I'm in the priority lane. Sure, there's 50 people in the wrong lane, but I'm in the right lane. You're wrong, but he doesn't want to give you the wrong because he's got the power.

Right. So he thinks he can outrank you even though you win factually. And I did what he said to do. I know. What's the deal with people? I don't get it. So, yeah, it's just kind of a, it's a frustrating way to live because you're going all logic. and they're going emotional.

Right. And that's why I think that's kind of where we're at in the world. Yeah, it was funky-do. But I guess, again, I was making assumptions. I should have been more clear. I should have said, oh, that is one small pocket. One small step. One giant pocket for mankind.

That's one small pocket. The big giant zipper that goes the length of the entire suitcase is how you open the fucking suitcase. Exactly. Man. But that's the thing, too, that happens is, and I've talked about this. at Starbucks. Sometimes you assume the person that works at a place knows the most about the place.

You think. But in reality, you're experiencing it more from different perspectives. Yes. Like this lady works at TSA. So she's like a luggage TSA lady. Yes. But it's quite possible. She flies once every three years

and has only ever owned one suitcase. Of course. And it better be not wacky. So she's like, what the Christ? Sure. It's kind of Like at Starbucks sometimes, I'll be like, hey, let me get a chocolate brownie or something. We don't sell brownies here. I'm going to go here for 30 years. Well, I've been to every Starbucks in America and half the Starbucks in Europe.

That's a weird example, but you know what I mean? Yes. Well, you know what? It also is like another analogy throw at you. Going down on a woman or dating a woman, women, most straight women, don't know what it's like to date a woman or go down on a woman. So I actually have more experience with pussies than you do who has a pussy. Yeah, more diverse. Of course.

Well, I'm ubiquitous. I've got Asian, black, Hispanic, dirty, clean, ugly, moms, dads, you name it, of pussy. And they've had one. Yeah, that's a great point. It's a point. She's like, this does nothing for me. I'm like, well, it did something for Susan, Michael, and Michelle. Yeah, and Dawn.

Yeah, exactly. Don Kelly? Sure, he's good. Don Shelton. But yeah, so it's always weird when a girl's like, you don't understand women. I'm like, well, I've dated and fucked and been in love with and all this more women than you. Yeah, you're not all women. You're this woman.

Maybe I understand 300 women, but I don't understand you, you fucking kooky kooze. I've got a focus group with experiments I've done and all this, and you've done it done. That's a great point. That's an interesting point. Yeah. Well, you're full of good stuff today. Ah, you too. Well, thank you.

Great band. Well, they're okay. Good stuff? Oh, you too. You too. I see. Good stuff. Great band.

Remember what you two did that, like, rape album forced? Oh, yeah. They put it on Apple music. Put an album on my phone. I was like, no consent? Yeah, very strange. Strange, balzy move. Yeah.

How'd you do that with your comedy? People throw their phone away. Yeah, I would love to have my comedy and more phones. I feel like if more people heard it, they'd be like, oh, this isn't bad. Sure. That's what you too was going for, I guess. I guess, but I never cared for them too much. That's a couple things I love.

I love Octung Baby. That's my favorite album of theirs. It's great. Akton, what, huh? Ak tung. That's just German for attention, I think. You see those things. You're going through the airport in Germany.

It says, octung. Attention or warning. Let me get a reading on that. I kind of assumed it was attention because it starts with a day, but that might be. Boy, that's an ugly language. Attention, watch out, careful, or lookout. All right, there you go. So we got it.

Akong. Pong. I know no is nine. Nine. But what is yes? Da? That's Russian. What is yes and German?

Nine is no, I think. German. I don't know much German other than Uctung and... Schadenfreude? Michael Fastbender? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God, it was ya.

Yeah. J.A. J.A. Jha. Jha. Jha, ja. All right. What else is German?

Nazi? Reich. Reich is big. Mind compf? What does that mean? My plan, I think. My struggle. That's big.

Lex really had that locked and loaded. Yeah, I'm too quick there. I did not see that coming. My struggle, yeah. Boy, he really laid it out there that Hitler. What did he have a struggle? He was killing it. Well, I think he was, you know, Austrian.

I think he was whatever. I think he was poor. He was an artist. He couldn't get into college or art school or whatever. That's the other thing is he's Austrian. And I feel like Germany gets all the heat. for the Nazi shit. Well, I think he was leading Germany when he did the thing and they all got behind them.

I guess so, but it's like when people go, hey, Sidney Crawford's from here. And you're like, well, she's actually from Indiana, but I think she grew up here. That's bad examples. Compared to Sidney Crawford to Hitler. Yeah, I mean, I think he was, yeah, I think the Germans really did the stuff. Okay, so he moved to Germany and then got big. I think he got big. Yeah, he ran for Chancellor.

President, prime minister. He killed a couple heads of state and Jews. Six million, allegedly. But, and then he got the mustache because he loved Chaplin. I know. How about that? Poor Chaplin. Imagine if Maduro just started rocking a Red Sox hat and weird glasses.

Yeah, that Hitler was a son of an onion, huh? And here's a question. Who did we compare politicians to that we hated before Hitler? Well, I think there was other people. It was a long line, probably, you know, now. Gangus Khan or... Connie. Con artist.

Rath the con. Yeah, con man. Conns films festival. Yeah. Cons. Boy, that hill. Whenever I go to Amsterdam or Paris, I always just picture and visualize and think of the sound of like... The Nazis just marching in there.

Goose-stepping. Terrifying. He's like in front of the Eiffel Tower, hiling. It's fucking crazy. Imagine if it's just a group of men just came up the street right here? I know. It's ours now. Yes, yes.

And, like, you think about Amsterdam. Those cute little canals and those cute little houses with the windmills, and then Anne Franks just like, whoa, here they come. Yeah, it's not good. Not good. Whatever happened here. Well, luckily, anti-Semitism is dead and buried. It's over now.

Never see it. Messages me horrible things about the Jews after every episode. I'm not even Jewish. Jewish. Impressive how people can spin. They're like, ah, I can't get it up. Fuckin' Israel. Yeah.

Must be the Jews. Can't get it up. Yeah. That's a little funky. Yeah. And the Jews get no oppression points either. I mean, one thing if you got oppressed, you know, like black people get oppressed, but then they're like, hey, that guy's a racist.

You're like, all right, fire him, get rid of him. But if you go, that guy's anti-Semitic, people go, shout out. Right. They get no points. Yeah. So it's a double, double neg. Now, what's a brownie point? What's that exactly?

That's when you know black guy. No. Where's that come from? Is that Girl Scout cookies? It's got to be, they're called Brownies. There's Cub Scouts, and then Brownies are the girls. Right. And then there's Girl Scout.

Yeah, Brownies are below, so Boy Scouts, below Boy Scouts is Cub Scouts. Yeah, we're Cubs. Below Girl Scout is Cub's? Brownies. Yes, yes. So is that Brownie points? But then it's weird because they're brownie, which is a delicious pastry. And then there's Girl Scout cookies.

So they're all sweet-based. Yeah, why don't they sell Girl Scout brownies? Yeah, that would make more sense. Well, I think brownies don't stay fresh as long. Ah, you can't get a box of, like a box of tag-alongs will stay fresh for a month. I always like the thin mince. I was a Samoa. Oh, really?

Yeah, love a Samoan man. Oh, I thought you meant you were Samoan. Folks, I don't know. Ah, I'm not that big. What's he going to do? He's a Samoan. Samoans are huge. Was the chief in Cuckoo's Nest?

Was he Samoan? No, he was Native American. Chief. Oh, yeah, how you? Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? That chief, he was something else. Give it Indians casinos is the funniest thing to me.

Hey, we killed you. We gave you smallpox. We raped your daughter. Here's a slot machine. You're a piece of shit. We'll see you hell. Yeah, well, it's working out great for like eight of them. That's the thing about Native Americans.

There's like 30 that are trillionaires because they owe casinos. And then there's like 75,000 that are just. poor and living on the side of the highway. So I did Flagstaff in Arizona, and it's apparently a big native area. That makes sense. So I'm at a bar drinking after the show, and this kid, this kid looks like he was like 11 years old. He's like, hey, how you doing, Mr. How you doing, Mr?

He's sitting at the bar. He's looking at a white claw, and he had sunglasses on, and he looked like like Dayton Bissette, but Indian or Native American. Right. And he was like, hey, man, well, where are you from? And I'm like, I live in New York. He's like, wow, New York. You flew here?

I've never been on a plane. I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's crazy. And he's like, wow, that's crazy. And then people are going, hey, comedy, comedy's like, what's up with that? I'm like, I'm a comedian. He's like, wow, oh, my God. He goes, you ever seen Set It Off? And I'm like, the movie?

He's like, oh, it's my favorite movie. He's like, that's your favorite movie? He's like, well, it's the only tape I own. And I'm like, where do you live? He's like, I live on a reservation. I immediately fell home. I bought all his drinks. Wow.

I felt so bad for the kid. He was like, he got out. He had no money. He was just meeting people. No kidding. I don't even know, set it off. What's that? It's a Queen Latifah joint.

Oh, yikes. All he's got is Queen Latifah? This poor guy. Boy, they must be Queen La Chippa over there. Go get him another set of films. Get the Godfather. Or what for the cuckers' nest, for God's sake. Cleef Latina.

Or last the Mohicans. Something, but this poor kid, he was poor. And I met another native, and I go, oh, he's from whatever reservation goes, what? Oh, that's a rough spot. That's got to be a tough kid. No kidding. Wow. Now, is he shirtless?

with six-pack abs and a cloth? No, but he had a tomahawk. Did he have one feather? I know the little ones get one feather, and the big one, and they get like 50 or something. Oh, is that right? I believe so. A big headdress.

It's a feather in your cap. Yeah, but nice kid, sweet kid, and he was not doing great. Wow, that's too bad. I think he was 22 years old. You know, who loves the Native American. It's Phil Jackson, bring it back to Michael Jordan. He's a big Native American guy. Well, he's part Native American.

and he's from Montana. Whoa. Maybe Wyoming. Wyoming. The empty estate. And, yeah, he's got, he loves the neighborhood. He brought all that stuff into the basketball. Is that right?

Oh, yeah. He brought in Eastern philosophy, Native American. They were skinning bowls and skinning frogs. It is Montana, yeah. And fascinating guy. Big, big, son of a bitch. He's a tall cup of jizz. His book Sacred Hoops is a nice read.

Oh, really? I read the other one, too, 11 rings. Now, you talk Montana. I did two gigs there in Billings and Helena, I believe. Sure. What's the capital? Helena, Troy. It's capital of Montana.

Come on, you know this. I think it's Helena. Okay. Helena Troy. It's Missoula also. That's a nice place. That's the college town. Yeah.

There you go. Missoula paddleheads. Okay, paddleheads. That's fun. That's the guy who loves ping pong. So I did Montana. The only states I've never been to. Wyoming, Alaska, and the two Dakotas.

Yeah, me too. That's the exact? Yeah, except I've got to add Mississippi. I've never been to Mississippi. What? Yeah. They got stuff. Yeah.

You know the GPD, what do they call it, gross GDP? Domestic product. In Mississippi is more than Germany. So just in Mississippi, like a poor southern shit state is making more money. than Germany. Wow. I never know what GDP is exactly. What do they got?

I think it's a channel or an STD. How much money everyone makes combined? Yeah. There's more money and product coming out of there than Germany. Something like that. Well, Germany, I heard, also has no population. There's a sinking ship. No one's fucking over there because of the...

Oh, boy, fucking has just... Fucking's out. I fucking is crazy. I know. My wife and I fucked last night. I put a pair of shoes on her and put those ankles right in the air, and I fucked away for a good six... seven minutes. It's free.

That's a good point. Fuck, it's free. Well, not if you don't, if you fuck it up, it can be quite expensive. That's true. That's true. It's either, it's like a lifeguard. One day, one second can change everything. Yeah. So wait. Is that right about Germany? Oh, I was Googling gross domestic product. Oh, okay. Yeah. Even if you explained it, though, I'm not going to get it. You will. Oh, okay. The total monetary value of all final goods and services produced within a a country's borders in a specific time period.

Okay. Yeah, that blacked out. But doesn't Germany have Porsche and Mercedes and they must have a pretty good... Adidas. I mean, fucking, what do you call it? Mississippi's not pumping out luxury cars, are they? No, they got Old Miss. Mississippi State.

Bulldogs. They got casinos. Galore. Bloxie. Tourism, I guess. There's some tourism there. Yeah, I think it's some slavery still. I don't think they do good grades there.

No. Early 2025 Mississippi's GDP per capita is approximately $49,780. Oh, God. Which Germany's is $51,000. So about equal. I mean, $2,000 more. Per capita, whatever that means.

I mean, I know what per capita means, but I don't know what it means in this context. Yeah. So I guess each German person is putting out $50,000 worth of stuff. That's a good hooker. I mean, that says, while Mississippi is the poorest U.S. state, the economic output per person rivals Europe's largest economy. All right, I'm on to something. I'm in the ballpark.

Yeah, that's pretty, that's fascinating. That's pretty good for us. If that's the poorest state, what's the richest? Well, California's got to have a hell of a GDP over there. They're pumping out oil and booze and cars and trains and Hollywood. I think they're losing a lot of it. But yeah, like Spielberg left, Zuckerberg left. Where Spielberg go?

He moved. He flew the coop. He said the taxes are too high. Where Steveberg lives? No, California's GDP. Oh. GDP. So that, so Minnesota, Mississippi's was 49,000.

This is. I think we're losing everybody here. This is not per capita. This is as a whole. As a whole. As a whole. As a whole state. As a whole state.

350 million. I'm going to go billions. Trillions? Wow. No wonder that's so cocky over there. 4.3 trillion dollars last year. Wow. Wow.

Wow, but what was it 10 years ago? All right, now we're going to be a bonus. This is crazy. Yeah, you're right. But 10 years earlier, you know, you've got to do the curve of the grade. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. 2.6.

All right, so they're going up. They're going up. Everyone's going up. Good, good. I'm moving to Texas. What do you think? How much of that is only fans, I wonder? They're making a lot of money for the country.

Yeah, you're moving to tech. I'll believe what I see. I'm going to change the HTML, baby. All right. Well, we got to wrap it up. I'm going down there. I'm going to get a yard and fucking stars and a campfire and a cigar and casso. See, that's what's good about having money is those little things like the TV wires.

Pay a guy to do that. Yeah. If you're broke, you've got to do it yourself. He's broke, but it's oak. That's a good lyric. Oak? That's okay. Oh, I thought it was an oak furniture.

It's broke, but it's oak. I like oak. You said, okay, you rhyme. You say okay. You say okay. You say, oh. That's fun. That's like a hip-hop lyric.

Well, they're very similar. They are. The rap, because they, you know, they had their hat crooked to the side. They were showing off the bling. They had babes. They were up all night. They were singing. They were cool.

Who's similar to who? Rappers. Rappers and the Rat Pack. Oh, the Rat Pack. Yeah, they were getting bitches. They're all out there together. Right. This is my boy.

This is my other boy. It's Sammy. It's Dino. That's true. And then there's like, no limit, death row. Ratpack. They all have little names. They'll have like a cruise.

true name. Right. That's fun. I think we came up with something. There you go. But only one black in the rat back. That's right. Hey, he was Jewish.

How about that? Yuck. Well, where are you going to be there, Fannie? Where aren't I going to be? I'm going to be all over that shuffleboard court. The big UK and island trip. I got Dublin, Glasgow. London.

We added a show. Bristol, which people told me to go to Bristol, and I think I've sold about four tickets. It's a cute town. Glasgow, what am I forgetting? Belfast, never been to Northern Ireland, very excited. Belfast, Dublin, London, Glasgow. What else do I got? Fort Lauderdale Improv, I think is next week.

I'm going down to the Miami Open. Going to be all over that tennis court. Hell yeah. I got Poughkeepsie. I got, what else? Oh, big Ohio run. Toledo, Youngstown, Columbus. Then Providence.

Patriots Day Weekend, Providence Comedy Connection. And, of course, all the specials are on YouTube. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedianianian is on Punchup. If you haven't seen it, what are you waiting for? six bucks for a film. Gotta do it. Wait, when is this UK? We got a schedule around that.

I know. I'm going to five countries in two weeks. May 15th, I think. Okay, okay. To be 31st or something. We got some time. We got some time, and we're doing the live app in L.A., so that'll count as a show.

By the way, people were all upset. We released the pod 12 hours late. After we said we were going to, people were like, you motherfuckers, you dirtbags. But then if we can an episode, they're like, you pieces of shit. So we're trying. We're trying. For the love of Christ.

It came out on Tuesday, for Christ's sakes. So did Lex. But, yeah, it's still Tuesdays. Meanwhile, Matt and Shane, Shane's done three episodes the last four years. Ah, good point. I mean, I think they're pissed about that, too. But I'm just saying, we're getting them out, for God's sakes. We're doing our best.

You can't have your cake and eat it, too. It might be four hours late, or it's going to be canned. Here, here. We're traveling. I know. We haven't missed it up in 17 years also. How about a little high-fly for that? And if we did Zoom, you go, oh, I thought the office.

Fuck, what that's all. People hate a Zoom. Well, we'll do Zoom when I'm in Texas. All right. Well, I'm going to be in Buffalo, Spokane, Seattle. You're in Spokane every three weeks, I swear to God. Lexington, Kentucky, Chattanooga, Tennessee. The Vets Theater in Rhode Island.

Love that theater. Come on out as part of that little roadie festival, which is the worst title. And, yeah, get some bodega cat. Get on the Patreon. I'm about to do a bonus. It's going to be humming. We're cooking GDP. We'll see you at hell.

We're the monkeys.