Tuesdays with Stories! - #647 Murder Was The Queso That They Gave Me

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

Joe's moving to Austin! The QUESO baby!! The boys talk movies! Mark has fun in ollllld Indy. Joe talks the new Skankfest doc! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/TUESDAYS - Get Huel today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15 - Support the show & get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

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That's 1,800flowers.com slash podcast. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. And we are back at 64 degrees out and sunny. Oh, go. No, it's nice out there. New York, when it turns, it's just the greatest city in the world. I'm never moving. I wouldn't be caught dead in another city.

Texas stinks. Well, that's the thing. You go, ah, the snow, the garbage, Mom Dani. Oh, my God, the parking, the subway, the rats, the homeless. Then you get one shed of sunlight, and you go, Who! Greatest city in the world. Well, that's the thing, New York, when it's great.

That's what I always say. New York, once you're settled and parked and at the place you want to be, it's great. Sure. It's just getting everywhere as a nightmare. And throw a baby in that mix. Hachi, machi, you want to eat a bullet. It's just horrible. But once you're at the waterfront or Central Park or wherever.

But I've said this for years, too. My favorite part in New York City is the woods. I'm in Central Park. I tell everyone, like, this is the crown jewel. And you're like, well, I guess I just like grass. Yeah, well, grass means more when you have so little of it, too. I suppose so. So you get in that park and you go, oh, my God, a tree, a pond, a bridge, a squirrel.

Right, but I could be where there's grass everywhere. I'm moving, you heard it here first, I'm out. It's like working at the ice cream factory. Eventually you go, I'm sick of chocolate chip, Rocky Road, and Sherbert. Well, here's the thing. What's what he said to Ernie said to whatever? Abert? You want some ice?

That was the old joke. What did Ernie say when he asked if he wanted ice cream? Sherbert. Oh, I like that. That's good stuff. There you go. You wonder why that show's been on for 78 years. Hey, what did 20 do when he got hungry?

8-9? 28. Oh, there you go. Now, when I say 28, what do you think of? You're not a sports guy, I guess. No. What do I think of? Legal?

28. It would be a nice age. Good age. you're an adult but you're still young. Yeah, let me get a 28-year-old in my bedroom. Hachimachi. It's funny because when you're 17, you're like 28. Look at this. What is that? Betty White.

Right. And now you're like 28. Holy hell. What is she in third grade? Well, I remember one time, and this podcast has been going on so long. Oh, yes. 28. Way back in the day, you were like, I fucked the lady once who was 38.

And that's now, my wife is 10 years old of that. Even when you said it, I was like, That's how my wife is, you know, maniac? Oh, that's right. I was like, because that was your idea of like, I fuck this old bitch. No, because I lost my dignity to a 55. I know, but I think at the time, that had been years early. Sure, sure.

So you were like, oh, man, the other day I fucked this old chick. She was 38. We have been doing this a while, huh? We've been doing it for 13 years. I mean, you had the serious girlfriend, then broke up with her. Then you were single for nine years. Then you had the Peggy. then you went back to single

and then May. Pegleg the old pirate. Arr! Ar you're fucking meaty. You're in my arse. What was I going to say, though, about New York or Texas? Oh, this is what I was going to say. We were talking about ice cream. I go to Texas. If I move, when I move to Texas, Tejas, Mexico,

I got to be mindful. I'm going to gain 450 pounds. Oh, in a day. I was in San Antonio all weekend. I'm like, how do you guys not all weigh 800 pounds. Yeah. I haven't walked a step. No.

My step counts 140. I'm eating a bag of queso for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then in between, I shove six pounds of fucking beef up my ass. Taco, brisket, barbecue, all the sides, the mac and cheese and the cornbread. Oh, my God. You know what it is? I think they're all smoking out there. Smoking kills your appetite.

They're all on drugs out in Austin. And I think they kayak every two years. I guess some kayaking or maybe the... There's some of that other stuff. It was a paddleboard. I see it out the window on that river. I think also they're used to case. They're not as crazy about the queso.

Right. Koso for us is an anomaly. Well, here's the thing that's insane. Sarah's talked about this for years. And I'm sure someone's going to be like, hey, you dickface. You don't know what you're talking about. But you cannot get proper Tex-Mex anywhere outside of Texas. Ah, what?

What is Tex-Mex? I know. But you can get good mex. You can get good mex. But you can't get queso. Casso's Tex-Mex. You go to a Mexican restaurant anywhere in the country. They don't have a bowl of queso.

I think some do. Maybe some. I can find one in New York with queso right now. You think so? I bet Chuck, go put queso in the maps. We found one. We went to one place and it was just shit. It was like velvita crap.

I'm talking good, proper casso. Well, that's a different story. Yeah, you might get bad queso here, but the good stuff, you got to go down to old... Fort Worth. But there's a shortage of Tex-Mex restaurants. I mean, Massachusetts, we didn't have a Tex-Mex restaurant. Right, right.

Damn, because in New Orleans, we had a place called Tex-Mex. It's called Chevees. You ever heard of Chevys? I know Chevys. Shevys is Tex-Mex. Dodd, Chevys. Yeah. And there's Chewys.

Chewy. Chewy. That's C-H-U-Y. But that place sucks. I'm Torchies all the way. Torchies, Magnolia, Matt's, Tex-Mex-Mex, and Austin. I love it. I love the case.

Casso. Ceso's good. Murder was the queso that they gave me. There you go. But yeah, I do love Mexican. Mexican, I can eat any time. I'm all day, all day Mexican, but that great African joke. Oh, yeah.

It's the same food over and over again. Cheese meat, tortilla. I just heard someone else do almost the same exact joke. Uh-oh, about Tex? Or about Asian? About Mexican food. I would say pasta is similar. Because it's all pasta.

They're just different shapes and names. That's a good point. You know, and then a sauce. Right. And a meat. That's a good point. But I think pasta is pasta. It's like nicknames.

Huh? Like pasta is pasta. But then they have nicknames. Rigotoni, elbows. Right. This is like, they're acting like this is a different food altogether. Yes, yes. They're like enchilada, burrito.

Chibichanga, enchilada. Oh, you said that right? Right. But this is pasta. But yeah, that casadilla. It's just a burrito that some fucker sat on and cut it up. Cut this motherfucker right here. Fuck it.

Cut them up. Remember that headburn? Oh, yeah, tennis balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a laid-back company. Yes, sprinkles. Yeah, but, you're right. But the pasta, yeah, their nickname.

Is that a bit? That's adorable. I don't know if that's really strong. I'm in that moment of that mood where I'm like, I need something. I know. Give me a bit. What is this? Bottle?

A bottle of water. Water bottle. Hey, that's something. Man, I just had, I was in San Antonio, and I came up with an idea, and I was like, I'm going to try something new. And it was the hottest crowd over. I mean, I'm killing. Speaking of Mexico, I mean, we kill with the Mexicans. Love the Brown.

They love us. I'm just ripping, killing. And I'm like, this is one of the best shows in my life. I'll tell you that. And they're so good, I'm like, I got to try this thing. I wrote this today. Yeah, it sounded like that. It was just, just zilch.

The kind of thing where they don't even recognize an attempt to humor has been made. Yes, yes, yes. They were like, huh? I had the same thing in Indy. He's just got to go, okay, sorry about that. What are you looking for, Chuck? My dick? Oh, it's recording, baby.

I had no idea, maybe. Because that dick's hard to find. I had the same thing in Indy. Me and my openers, I had a host and an opener in the green room, and we're like, I'm trying to crack this bit. I've been working on this bit for eight months, and we start riffing on it, and we go, that's it. We got it!

We're jumping up and down. He falls on the coffee table like Chris Farley. We're high-fiving. I go out. I do the bit, and it got zero. And one guy went, and I played the recording back later. We all had a fucking, we'd all died laughing because they didn't even know I was joking.

Right. They didn't even fake it or feign it or go, ah, I see where you're going for. It was like zero, and then one guy hiccpped. Flop. Yeah. How does it kill in a green room where you're, You're like, that's it.

That's it. It's flawless. It couldn't be better. And then zilch. Well, I told you my famous. I still remember the moment, the scene where I was sitting. I was at the Everett House of Comedy. Tom Dustin's house.

We had all comics there. We called the Everett House of Comedy. And I had this joke about how I got braces for Christmas. And I said, for my birthday, I got a tetanus shot. And we laughed. We rolled. I mean, Tom's feet were in the air. I mean, it was crazy.

And back then, you're like, I can't believe I have to wait four hours to say this. And I think we were high, and we wrote it on the wall. It was like Tetanushot, birthday. And I was like, this is taking me to the top. And it never worked. I tried it for five years. Come on. Not funny.

Yeah. Well, what do you think that is? Is it an environment thing? In that room, they, with Tom, they all know you. They get your humor. What this is a group of strangers who are drinking who don't know you. It's a different environment. Well, it felt perfect because it felt like braces help correct your teeth.

Tetanus keeps you from getting a disease. Yes, yes. Braces hurt. Tetanus shot hurts. Yes. Birthday, Christmas. But I think part of the flaw is people are like, you got braces for Christmas? That's horrible.

It's like one of those setups that distracts from the joke. From the joke. I think people are like, what do you mean? That's crazy. That's the thing about stand-up. It's got to all fit down that winding road. But my thing was I got this joke about America's like a woman, blah, blah, blah. And then you get in America.

And you're like, man, this lady's expensive. I thought it was land of the free. And then the other guy goes, you got to get a visa. That's not bad. Yeah, visa. But in the room, we're like, free, visa, expensive. Oh, border, immigrant. And the crowd didn't get anything.

They're like, visa, what? Why would you get a visa? Maybe there's something about vacation. You go to a third world country to vacation. You know, you're happy to be in America, but after a while, America's like a woman. It's like getting married. You're like, I got the hot girl. This is the girl I ever wanted.

After you're there for two years, you're like, let's go down to Aruba. Oh, the citizens say that. Yeah. I see. So once you're living in America, you're like, oh, this is beautiful. It's everything I wanted, a wife. And then after a couple years, you're like, hmm, there's a new country down in the Caribbean. You ever been there?

It's a little brown. It's a little crazier. That's not bad. go to Jamaica. Just for a week. Just for a week. And then I'll come back. I still live here. Right. Let me just go down and visit Philippines for a minute. Sure. Sure. And then I'll come back to you. Lady boy in Thailand. You can have this. That's something. That's better than anything you've got. All right, write it down.

That's good stuff. Every once in a while, you're like, I'll go to Canada. I want some cold, fat bitch. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. There's something here. Yeah. Fat and that it's big. I know someone's going to write and be like, America's fat of Canada. That's true. We are. These people that don't get jokes. I had a clip right. I was like America, we dominated Canada and hockey, two to one in overtime. Yeah. Some guys like, obviously you didn't watch the game. If you think it was a domination, I'm like, it's a joke.

I know. Two to one in overtime is not dominating. How do you not get it? I'm a comedian. It says comedy in my thing. I'm making a joke. You're the idiot. I know.

I had a good response. This lady was like, I did a joke and she went, no, no. It got a pop, but she did the no. And I go, oh, you're one of those people who doesn't get jokes? And she was like, no. And I was like, I got her. I think I got her. Yeah, suck it.

Yeah. Been in America for a while. It's all I ever wanted. It's the beautiful thing. But every once in a while, I do want to dip down to Puerto Rico. Yes. Have a fat ass. Maybe say a fat ass, something like that.

Or my downstairs neighbor, that Mexican whore. There you go. Maybe a little cleaner than that. Yeah, yeah. I like it. So I had the Seinfeld Larry David thing where you wake up with a bit. Do you ever have that? Of course.

I have a joke. And I got on my phone. You know, I put my glasses on, my readers, and I typed it in my phone. I went back to bed. Woo, you ready for this? I can't wait. It is not good. But in my head, I was like, oh, my God, this is a lightning bolt from the George Carlin.

You know, boom, hit me right in the head. Like, Charlie Kirk, that was the neck. But I go, alcohol is racist. Brown is bad for you, and don't mix it. and in my sleeping stupor, I was like, oh, my God, look at this. You can't mix them.

You've got to segregate. Clear liquor's better for you. Brown makes the hangover worse. Oh, my God. I'm the next head of Youngman. And then, you know, nothing. Boy, I can see where it could be something, maybe. Well, when you're sleeping and you've got a boner, you're drooling, you know, next to a man.

I'm like, oh, this is something. I had this the other day where I'm like half asleep, half retarded, and half gay. And I wake up to my wife and I'm like, I get horny as I fall asleep. Sure. And I wake up and I'm like, what if tomorrow I'll be like your sex slave for like 30 minutes? She's like, what? And I'm like, yeah, it'll be crazy. Like, I'll just do whatever you want me to do.

And then the next day will switch. Whoa. And she was like, you got to, I think you're asleep. And I'm like, all right. Wow. And I woke up like this. Like, what the fuck was I talking about? As a sober man, that's the closest you get to fucked up is sleepy.

Yeah. So that's you shithoused. Right. That's not bad. It's up there. And, you know, they say if you stay up two days, you hallucinate. So, like, that's free acid for you. Right.

That's not bad. Uh-huh. Jeez. What else are we talking about? No, Texas. We were talking about Texas because I'm moving to Texas in the fall, as you know. So how was San Ann? San Ann was great.

This is a fun topic. Best city. That starts with Sand. Best Sand City. Well, San Francisco, I think, is going to be the winner. Yeah, well, San Diego is pretty unbelievable. Oh, San Francisco guy. I do love San Diego.

San Juan, Barbara, San... San Juan, Barbara, San... San Juan. San Francisco. San Jose. San Bernardino. San Antonio. San Luis Obisco.

Oh, yeah. San Luis Nabisco. Bling. You know, that was two people's names combined? No. I didn't know that. Give that a goog there. Nabisco.

I think it's Johnny Nabus and Kevin Sisko. I know Miramax's two names combined. Yeah. That's his parents. Who? Harvey. Harvey Weinstein's parents are Mira and Max. Miramax.

Whoa. How about that? And Gas Digital is Gomez and Sutton. I didn't know that either. That's the gas. Gomez and Sutton. What do you got? National.

Okay. Company. That's what I meant. That's what I meant. Not names, but not a guy's name, but three different words put together. Now, to piggyback on your nighttime sex slave, then we'll get back to Texas. I can't wait. Did you know in the morning men's testosterone is the highest?

That's why you wake up with a boner. And women's cortisol is very high. Like their stress hormone is going apeshit in the morning because women are crazy. So that's why morning sex is so great Because you get to relieve your boner And she gets a little stress relief So morning sex is actually great for your mental health I get no morning sex anymore

Because now we wake up to a baby That's our alarm clock Well that's why your lives are ruined with the baby Right But I do wake up with the boner Still to this day I'm almost 44 I wake up with the boner most days I had one today

Which is I heard boners is the canary in the coal mine You wake up You got no boner That means your heart's not ticking properly. Oh, wow. They save your horny, you're healthy. Well, I'm horny all the fucking time. Epstein was a healthy man. Absolutely.

That's what I always say. So, anyways, Texas. This is the point I wanted to make about Texas. I'm so New Yorked up in my head. I've lived in New York for so long. I wanted to go to the movies while I was in San Antonio. So I'm out there and I'm like, well, let me see where it's playing. Let's see the film's playing. I'm like, oh, shit. It's only playing 6.8 miles away.

Fuck. And then I'm like, wait, let me just Google. What's at it? Nine minutes. It's crazy. I'm like, here in New York City, if something is seven miles away, it's off the table. It's not even on the menu. You can't go.

Forget it. In Texas, you're like, it's 10 minutes. Right. I went to three different movie theaters, and they're all one, seven miles away, eight miles away. And you have the same thing. You look up a restaurant. You're like, well, where's Torchies? Oh, five miles away.

Well, maybe I'll find something else. Oh, wait. It's four minutes from here. Exactly. I'm moving, Jerry. Well, it's a better system. We're not living normally. They are.

We're the anomaly. We're the minority. We're the weirdo. Well, yesterday I took Marty to swim lessons. The regular place is closed. They're like, well, it's got this place. You've got to go to this location. Okay, great.

You walk over there. It's down four flights of stairs. It's in a Russian sauna. Wow. There's a pool, but it's like a Russian, what do you call that? Bath house sauna thing. And I'm walking. I got the stroller.

I'm walking down four flights of stairs. There's a guy going, you need a hand job, you need to... He goes, Justin Bieber were here eight months ago. Whoa. Alexander Rovetkin come here.

This is the place to be. This count prices for you and your son. I'm like, what? Everyone's steving. There's just men and towels. Old Russian men and towel. I'm walking by with my two-year-old son to get to swim lessons.

He's got a little swim cap and flippers and tits. And there's just guys, look at me like, oh. And it's in the fucking basement. We finish. It takes 35 minutes to walk back to my house. Whoa. 35 minute walk.

And it's potholes and red lights and hobos and hobo joes. Down there, 35? It's a tip of the dick down there. Well, because it was all the way on the east side. I'm all in the west side. And then it's red light after red light after red light and sidewalk. And then you've got to go through the World Trade Center and all that. He's got little feet.

Well, he was in the stroller. But whatever. Still, 35 minute walk. Damn. That's an eternity. You're like, this is crazy. Yeah. But I bet your steps were up because...

Steps were great. I had a gig somewhere. I walked so little. I looked at my steps. It was like 2013. And I looked again later and it was like $1.99. I was like, how did I go backwards? Oh, wow.

I'd never had that before where the steps went the other way. It's like Ferris Bueller. You put it in reverse. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. I think I stepped backwards or something in time because I lost steps. Well, it's a, yeah, it's a different kind of life over there. No state income tax.

No, what the hell is income tax anyway? What are you doing to us out here? They tax everything. They tax your tax. Like, you make money, you buy shit, they tax you. Then you make money, you put in the bank, they tax that. Then you buy something at a grocery store. That's taxed.

Everything's taxed. A lot of tax. Well, you've got to pay for the roads. This is the problem. Dallas is the real frustrating thing with the taxes. And I talked about this before on the show. Derek had this idea. They should give me.

you a receipt of exactly where all your money went. And then somebody passes me. I think in Australia, they do that. You pay taxes, which I'm for taxes. Tax people. Tax the rich, taxed to everybody. You go, you send a receipt. It says, hey, you paid whatever, $80,000 in taxes last year. We sent $4,000 to the local elementary school. 3,000 went to cops, 2,000 went to fire department. We fixed three potholes. We picked up your garbage. We put $800 towards the garbage man, 50 towards the mailman, and 25 went to the community college.

And then you hang it up on your wall and you go, hey, I participated in the greatness of this country. You're crazy because they want to keep it vague and shady. Now they can keep canoodling with the who knows what's and the what knows who's and the massades or the Epstein's and the Somali daycare, whatever it is.

So they don't want you knowing where your shit's going. They want you to just think it's going somewhere. I know, but it would be nice because then I would feel better about my taxes. Of course. I think less people would want to figure out the system, cheat the system, they'd be like, well, if it's going to daycare, that's great, happy to do it. Well, you don't be even cooler, that would be great.

But also, how about this? They put at the bottom when you fill your taxes out, where would you like these to go? And you could go, I wanted to go to this pothole on 59th and 10th, and then after the tax man rapes your wife and takes all your money, then you go, potholeole's full. Well, to be fair, you can donate to charity and write it off. So you can pay less taxes if you send money to, you know, feetless kids in the jungle. You got to have feet.

Fetless kids. Fetal syndrome. But I don't know how they work it down there in Texas because they're not taking state income taxes. But my God, that's pretty good. And then you start hearing like, okay, in Japan, they have more people than us in New York, in Japan, I think. The nation of Japan for sure. Yeah. Tokyo has more people.

people than us. Okay, okay. They pay less than us and get more. How's that work? Well, I think their defense system is probably much, much less. Ah, but they got the trains that go eight million trillion miles an hour, and we got a rickety old hobo with a stick. Well, they're efficient. We have a lot of red tape. This is the problem with the tape. I don't know what red tape is, statutory tape. I think it's a lot of stuff and crap and whatever. Yeah, they, the regulations. And our defense is like $6 trillion a year, that whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows what? I don't know. I'm not smart enough to talk about this stuff. But all I know is I'm heading to Texas. I'm going to get a big cowboy hat and a fucking belt buckle. And eat queso and get

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Now let me ask you this. You want to talk stupid. Sure. I'm your man. All I ever do is talk. stupid. All right. Well, here we go. Here's an idea because all you see on the internet is it's a culture war, the right versus the left, the queves versus the cooks, the whole thing. What about this idea? I was thinking you're a two-parent household. Sure. That's apparently a two-parent household for a child, your odds of doing well in life is straight up. Yes. We talk about white privilege or good-looking privilege. Two-parent household privilege is bananas. It's quite a leg up. Now all we do in the White House is we vote a guy in and he's a right wing guy and then we go,

oh, this guy's crazy. And then the next term, we vote a left guy in because we get sick of it. We keep switching and swatching. We've been doing it for decades. What if we vote in a right wing and a left wing person as the president? They both present or president. We cut the bike down the middle. Yes.

Now they can talk. They can interact. They can talk to each other. and the right is happy because they got a guy in, the left is happy, they got a lady in, and they're communicating. It's a two-parent household instead of one. We got a single dad here.

It used to be a lot more like that. You had people that were much closer together, and that for much of time was a virtue. This guy reaches across the aisle. This guy works a partisan, bipartisan guy. He works with this guy. That used to be what got you elected. You would stand on the podium.

and say, I will work, I work well with Democrats. I work well with Republicans. Now it's the opposite. Yes. Now that's bad. If you came out now and said, I'm going to work with the Republicans, people will shoot you. Exactly. And vice versa.

And a lot of this started with Newt Gingrich. It's a great book by Steve Kornacki called The Red and the Blue. Highly recommend. Cornacki. And it started with Gingrich. Gingrich was like, fuck that shit. Let's stop doing that. And we'll divide.

Yeah, Gingrich. He came up with a lot of that. And, of course, social media has contributed greatly. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, that used to be the thing. And I think it was 60, the 1960 election or 64, going at what was going to be the 64 election, that Kennedy got shot in the face.

But I think it was Goldwater and Kennedy. They traveled on a plane together to go debate. There you go. They're like, we'll fly around together. There you go. We'll go have debates, and we'll talk it out. That's somebody shot him in the face. Well, who the fuck is hiring a guy named Newt?

I mean a Newt. kick that guy right in the dick. She turned me into a newt. The newt's eye? What is this, Macbeth? You make it a stew? We need the eye of a newt and the gingrich of a faggot. What do we do in here?

Well, he's a big scumbag. I hope he dies soon. I don't know anything about Newt. Gingrich. Oh, he's a fucking bag of shit that guy. Give Newt to boot. Give Newt the boot. The boot to Newt.

Yes. But he was a big Clinton. We got to kill Clinton. He had an affair. Then he was having an affair the whole time. Oh, really? Yeah, of course. Shoot Gingrich.

He also did a thing, too, in that book, He realized that C-SPAN is on all the time. That's just the Congress channel. I skip it immediately. Pussy network. It could be a more boring channel. Well, he had a thing. He realized the camera is tight on you on there.

So he would go and talk, but the house, the chamber, was empty. But it looked like he was ranting to everybody. So he'd go on and go, you motherfuckers, we're going to pay taxes. We're going to shoot you in the ass. Oh, we're going to have free of a bird. So people would watch and go, look at this guy. He's telling everyone what's what? I do that with my clips.

I got no crowd there. It's just me with no audience. But that's pretty genius, though. Well, he's obviously a genius. We're still doing what he did. He's just a bag of shit genius. I see. Evil gene. Evil jeans. And that's a good company. Evil jeans. Let's go to the gene

business. They're called bad religion. It's enough already with whiskey. Let's do jeans. I don't know if we got the ass for it. Well, you hire someone with an ass. You go to Puerto Rico and get one of them. RFK, he's wearing jeans while at the Planet Fitness. Oh, yeah. Well, he's some problems himself, I'll tell you that.

Coke off a toilet seat. But I'm moving to Texas. There you go. I'll fly up once a month. You fly down once a month. Then we'll do a couple zooms. We'll make it work. I kind of do that anyway. I'm always at Austin. That's what I... That's the thing about Austin. Everyone's there anyway. Everyone's there.

I'm going next week. Well, last night and I slept in it. I was about to say the same line. Ah, shit. We love that television show. Hey, how to go, by the way? You got the message from Seinfeld last week. Oh, if you want to get into it. it was all a voice memo, which I hate a voice memo, but it said, hey, I listen to your podcast with Adam Carolla. That's nerve-wracking.

Adam Carolla went on a whole jag about how he's mad at Seinfeld. Seinfeld was at this car thing. They're both car guys. And he goes, hey, Seinfeld, I got a cool Porsche. You want to go see it. And Seinfeld went, I'm good. And he goes, you're good. This is the number one Porsche, the only one left in the world.

And he goes, I'm okay. You know he does. Uh-huh. And Carolla could wrap it. He's like, it's the only Porsche like this on Earth. I have it. I spent millions of dollars on it. You appreciate Porsches.

You don't want to see this? And he's like, I'm okay. And Corolla flipped. So then Seinfeld text me. He's like, that was hilarious. I'm going to call, give me Carolla's number. Wow. I'm going to go on his show.

We're going to hash it out. Oh, that's great. You show me the first sentence that said, hey, I heard your podcast. Anytime someone writes to me, it says, I heard your podcast. I throw my phone in the toilet. I put my head in the toilet. Totally. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Isn't that funny? We put this out. You hope to get views. You hope to get listeners and make ad money. And then someone's like, I listen to that thing you put out. You're like, no. I got family members that are like, I listen to the podcast. I'm like, I can't come home for Christmas.

I can't let you see me. I'm with you. It's horrible. Horrible. Yeah. Don't listen to our podcast, please. Whatever you do, don't listen. Good Lord.

But. All good. All well and Nwell. And I get, how cool is it that I'm, I used to listen to Kroll as a kid on Love line. I was a huge fan. And then Seinfeld, obviously, huge fan. And now I'm in between these two quiffs. And now they're going to go to have a chat

because of something that happened on my pod. The whole thing's bananas. That's amazing. That's exciting. So, can't wait to listen to that one. Me too. I mean, I won't listen. But I'll watch the clips. That's interesting. There you go. Let me ask you this. My sneakers are a little old and beat up. I do a big meet and greet after the shows at San Antonio, which was nice. And it was a line down

the block. It was very exciting. It looked like the fucking border. It was crazy. Are you selling things? I sold shirts, but I sold out in three shows. So Saturday I just went out there and chatted. Hell yeah. And this lady comes up. She's all laughing, snickering, snookering, sneakering. And she goes,

I got to ask. I got to ask about the shoes. What's going on with your shoes? These ones? Yeah, and I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, why are you wearing running sneakers? Oh, God. And I'm like, I don't know. They're just sneaker. I didn't put any thought into it.

I wear it. They're comfy. Yeah. Is that crazy? I know it. Texas, you wear boots or whatever. I'm like, what am I supposed to wear? Fucking Alan Edmonds? Crocks? Yeah, I don't know. I think that's, I didn't think twice about the shoe. I mean, first of all, I've never worn anything but running sneakers my whole life.

But she was laughing like I was wearing swim flippers. Weird. She's like, why are you wearing running sneakers? I'm like, I don't know. Comfortable? Yeah, I walk a lot. Yeah. I run. and I don't want to bring two pairs of shoes.

I don't really own two pairs of shoes other than like dress shoes that I'd wear on the Tonight Show. And what am I going to wear? Clog, a moccasin? It's a sneaker. It's a sneaker. And her boyfriend, whatever, was wearing like New Balance sneaker, not running, but like New Balance, like,

New Balance sneakers. I'm like, I don't know. Isn't that, like, really close to a running sneaker? Yeah, I guess she's, like, stuck on the running part because you're standing and you're not running at the moment. It's kind of like going, tennis shoe? You're not playing tennis? You're at the park.

Right. I know. It's called a tennis shoe. Also, half the country is wearing basketball sneakers and not playing basketball. Exactly. All these 55-year-old men, or 75 in the case of Voss. Yeah. They all have fucking Jordans on.

Also, Seinfeld, the whole show is like, oh, he's a kid. He wears sneakers. He's a man boy. He wears sneakers. Is she watching that? Missing all the jokes and going, ha, ha, ha, this guy's wearing sneakers. That's how I fell. I'm like, I'm like, I don't know.

I just, I mean, those are like soccer shoes. You're not playing soccer. Yeah, or break dancing. Whatever, yeah, yeah. What are you in Run DMC? Yeah, these are, I don't know what these are. Mark, you can see that he's giving you the old signage. Yeah.

I got it. I got it. Oh, okay. He's holding it like exiling. But, yeah, I didn't get it. I've wear running sneakers 100% of the time, always forever. These people find these things funny. They'll be like, look at this.

A dolphin's got a beach ball on his nose. Ah, ha! And I'm like, God, I'd kill to be. you. Well, I just want to say, I'm like, I've done, I don't know how many shows, 30,000 shows, I'm on the road 40 weeks out of the year for 20 years. You're the one and only person that's ever been like, what's up with running shoes? I'm like, I don't know, I'm meeting and greeting 300 people a show. I don't care. No one's like this. What are you got? Running shoes? I don't care for that, because that's a, that's a her way, that's a zing. It's a light zing, it's a light dig, but it's a dig nonetheless.

She wants to make you feel kind of silly. Yeah, I just kind of was like, I couldn't even, it's like when we did our bits that nobody got. I was like this. I don't understand the question. It's like, what do you call it? My cousin Vinnie, what are you wearing? Right. Close.

I don't understand the question. Yeah. Great film. Great movie, by the way. That's a comedy. It doesn't get brought up. Absolutely. But speaking of, I went to the movie.

I went to the movies three times in the last week. Good golly, Miss Molly. And I'm the only one there. It's really upsetting. Slim Pick. Well, I know the theaters are done in closing, first of all, because it's clear, but I went to the Randolph cinema, rest in peace. Did you ever go there, Massachusetts? It was like, Randolph.

It's gone. And it was the first, it was so crazy because it was the first cinema that was like a big, I think I might have talked about this on the podcast. Yeah. Big stadium style seating, multiplex, multi floors, whatever. I think I mentioned this before. But Sarah and I went there and Sarah was like, do you have coffee? Like, we don't sell coffee, but you can go get a coffee. and I was like, I thought there was no outside beverages

and they went, well, you don't care. Oh, they're at that phase. And so I just had this in Texas. I was in San Antonio. I went to the cinema and I go, where do I get tickets? And they go, oh, you get it at the concession stand. You just get them at the concession stand. I was like, oh, okay.

So I went to the concession stand. Totally forgot to get tickets because I'm not used to getting tickets to the concession stand. Oh, wow. So I was like, let me get a large popcorn and some juju-jubes and the guy's going to pay for it. Remember Eddie Murphy? Oh, yeah.

He says the N-word. but I'm not going to do that. Of course. It's a different time. Anyways, I go, yeah, let me get some popcorn, some M&Ms, a bottle of water, and whatever, and they go, great. And I just forgot to get the ticket. Walk straight into the cinema. There you go.

Nobody was like, hey, hey, oh. These places are done. They're forgetting to charge money. They're in their sweatpants era. It's like, we've given up. Fuck you. Walk all over us. Piss on our grave.

It's over. Yeah. And it was just me in there. I jerked up. I watched The Bride. exclamation point. Very, uh, take a real hit on the financials. I think everything does now.

Yeah, except for Top Gun and Barbie. I think they sell it to Netflix, maybe, or something. Maybe, but Netflix is like the new DVD gutter. It's just like runs off into Netflix and they're like, here's 20 bucks, blow me. And a little bit of airplane, too. Airplane gives you $10 for a flick. Right. I don't know how they're going to figure it out, but I thought the bribe was pretty fun.

It's wacky, silly, goofy. You see that lady's tits. She's like the hottest woman on the planet to me. Monster tits are fun. What's her name? Gillinghall? Jesse Buckley. Oh, Megan Gillenhall is not...

I thought you were in her. I got nervous. Yake. She's got a real grandma face. She has Joker face. It looks exactly like the Joker. It's crazy. Like the 89 Joker.

89 Joker. The Jack Nicholson. Get those wonderful goys. It's got... Yeah, she's got like this thing going on. Yes, yes. The bad alley. But, man, that Jesse Buckley is something else.

I don't know Buckley. Jesse Buckley, she's going to win the Oscar for Hamnet, they think. Hamlet's. Who's spelled that? Hamlet's kid died. I didn't see the film. I see. I think the kid died, and then he wrote Hamlet based on the kid die.

It's supposed to be all the rage. I haven't seen it. The Leering Center. She's so hot. That's a cute little ginger. Yeah. I think she's Irish. Oh.

But maybe she's English. I don't know. But she's really. cool and hot and fun, and the movie's wacky and silly and crazy, but it's good part. Yeah, so I texted Rod on, I go, this movie's a big, messy, wacky, sloppy mess, but it's pretty fun. He writes back, it's not weird? And I'm like, you need weird specifically? I don't get it.

I said wacky, silly, messy, and he's like, well, what about weird? That's a strange review. And then I saw Crime 101, which is fun as hell. You seen this? You know this movie? No, I never heard of it. It's Helmsworth, that hot piece of ass. Oh, he's a hunky Aussie.

Hallie Berry. Oh, she's a hunky black. Which my beef with the movie is, the whole, her whole character is like, all these corporate white guys, of course, are like, you're old, you're an old bitch. You don't have the goods anymore. She's just like the hottest smoking woman ever. He's like, you have 53 old cunt. And she's like. So, Crying 101, it's like a play on words, I guess.

It's on the 101 in L.A. Mark Ruffalo is, who's great on camera. He's a good actor. He's a little insufferable on Instagram. But he's like a cop, and then Helmsworth is like, it's very cliche, but it's a lot of fun. Helmsworth is like the badass criminal who gets every hair. He doesn't leave anything behind. Okay.

And of course, it's one of these characters who's like, he doesn't harm anybody. And he doesn't leave a thing behind. And he's cool and he's hot. He's perfect. And then Hallie Berry's hot. And then there's another hot chick, too, that's in a different movie. I forget her name. Let me guess.

They hook up. Well, you know, I don't want to get... I don't want to get too much way. But it's a fun cry. It's like a heat kind of movie. Oh, I like heat. He's robbing banks. And then the other guy's robbing a bank.

And then the cop is on his tail. Ooh, tail. But, I mean, it's cliche after cliche. But it's damn fun. I like a cliche. Is she biracial, mixed, squirrel? What do you call that? She's very light skin, for sure.

I don't know. Chuck, you want to get into that? Those Google box there, Dickless, because... Man, is she hot. She's very pretty lady. And she's still super hot. 59 and still very, very hot. 59, Machu peaches.

But it's just so funny, she's got, like, cleavage and beautiful face. They're like, you can't sell a house anymore, you old bag. That is very... cop movie. Remember a point break? Like Utah, you fucking homo, quiff? The new guy. Always got his ass reamed out by the chief.

Well, point break, I got so many beefs with, even though I love it. I love it, too, but that's a lot of cliches. I mean, it's just horribly stupid. Like, what they got, they're like, we think it's these, they're like, the whole thing is like, these guys are ghosts. They're in there for five seconds. They're unbelievable.

We'll never catch them. They're the hardest guys to catch, and he's like, I think it's this crazy, heroin biker gang that's driving in a Jeep and shooting guns in the air. You're like, these guys don't fit the description at all. Right. It makes literally zero sense. Yeah. They're like driving drunk in a Jeep like, wow!

Yeah. And he's like, I think it's them. Yeah. Like, why would it be them? That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, that's true. And of course, they're like, we were out of town that day. They're like, ah, we forgot to check that.

And they're like, they're the best. They didn't notice this guy who infiltrated their group, but they're the best. Right. Right. And I'm at the seat with the guy, I think it was, is it Kurt Russell? No, Swayzy. Sorry, I get that mixed up. He throws a dog at him.

Right. No, Keanu throws the dog. Wait. You sure? Yeah. I think Swayze throws a dog of Keanu to, like, pull him to throw him off the tail. Maybe you're right. Yeah, yeah.

He's chasing him. He's got the Kennedy mask, the Reagan mask, and he's running, and he goes, you know what I'll do? Instead of getting away, I'll hide behind this wall. When he walks by, I'll throw him. a Rottweiler in his face. And I think he punts the dog, too. It's like, I believe he does. He kind of kicks it or punts it or something. Who wrote that? Like, hold on.

I'll throw a dog. That's his craziest thought to put in the script. And the dog's nice to him. Like, why wouldn't the dog he's counting on the dog to attack Keanu? Yeah. Why wouldn't attack him? That's true. Like, if he's just sitting gently in his arms, why wouldn't

he be like, oh. Yeah, he's holding it like that. He goes, but I think he punts it. That scene always reminds me of the Ferris Bueller's scene. They're both kind of like chasing and running through a house. Oh, yeah, that's true. And a scary dog in there. He's eating the shoe.

All right. What do you got on, on Hallie? What? I don't know a fucking Octarood when I see one. Well, yeah, because she's very light and, man, she is beautiful. Someone had a bit about Monsters Ball. Yes. They were like, oh, my God, Billy Bob Thornton overcame his racism by fucking Hallie Berry.

Who was the joke was that? Yeah. I can't remember. That was a great bit. It's just such a funny idea. He's like this horrible racist, but not anymore. He fell in love with the single hottest woman of all time. Who's half white?

Yeah. It's like, yeah, yeah. I think the clan member would let Hallie would fuck Hallie. Well, the slave owners bang their slaves for the record. Oh, is that right? Oh, yeah. They were having a great time down there, not the slaves. What?

Thomas Jefferson, all those guys. That's why every black person you meet is Jefferson, Washington, Boregard. Right. maybe not Borgard, but a lot of a lot of Johnsons you know, a lot of Black Bookerty, Washington or Denzel Washington.

It's all presidential lineage. Patrice O'Neill. Well, that's an Irish name, you know. That's true. That's true. What else do I got? I had something else to say. That was interesting, maybe. I just got to give a shout-out to the indie helium. We had such a great weekend, not a bad show in the bunch.

the club was so accommodating. It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. I was like, no one's ever been this nice to me. They covered everything. Whatever you had, any problems that you had,

they were on it. I mean, they were so great. So thank you. Indy, Indy, that town's popping. Really?

Well, you know, we've been there before, you know, it's kind of like indie. It's one of these dying cities that's kind of falling off and the downtown's a little spooky.

Downtown's fucked up. Yeah, it's gnarly. But I guess I was there on a hot weekend Because it was like there was a moto race going on at the Lucas Oil Arena. And then there was the women's basketball game was in town or something. So the whole city was a buzz. And you forget these modopies.

We live out in New York with these quiffs and the blue-haired and the cum-guzzled Nazis. You go out there. I'm walking to the club, you know, at like 6 p.m. There's just cowboy hat, boots, Budwisers, belt buckles, yaha, mullets, the side shave with the back. long flannel with the sleeves cut off and you're like, oh yeah, this is America. Right. This is a big fraction of America.

And we're sitting here going, oh, man, look at that guy with the neck tattoo and the chain wallet and, you know, the Labradoodle. Out there, it's a different world. It's like a big apple pie. Oh, yeah. Well, I know when I moved to Texas, I'm going to be all over that shuffleboard court. Oh, yeah. You're going to have to get some spurs and a shotgun.

I'll take my son to the Spurs game. It's only like an hour 40 to San Antonio. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Three hours to Houston. I'm doing it. Forget it. And Texas has so much.

You got Houston is like the third biggest city in the goddamn country. Fourth. What's three? Chicago. Ah, that makes sense. Then you got Dallas over there. It's a bit of a drive. But then you got Austin.

Then you got all the Fort Worth, Plano. Arlington. Arlington. Marfa, way out there. El Paso way out there. Farfa. Waco. Waco. Where's Texas Tech Lubbock?

Where buddy hollies from. Waco, before you go, go. Galveston. And, you know, back in the day, Galveston was like a destination. It was a beach town. Right. But then the water got all polluted, and I think there was a serial killer. It ruined everything.

And what's this to? Robert Durst. Durst was Gal? That's where he killed his neighbor and fucking put him under the Yeah, chopped them up and feed me to the poor. I killed them all. How about this? Oh, yesterday.

How about this? So we got finally at 60 degrees outside. Oh, lovely. So we go down to Rockefeller Park in Battery Park City. It's beautiful down there. The park is nuts. The playground. I mean, there's 300 people run around.

Yeah. Then we have this. It's all toddlers. It's a playground. Slides, swings. You know, a playground. Sure, I'm not allowed. Then you get these kids.

You get the big teenager, the third. Thirteen-year-olds. There's like seven of them playing hide-and-seek or capture the cock, whatever the hell these kids are doing. Yeah, you sound like the guy in that movie. You're over the hill. Get out of here. You're too old, you beg? Well, it's terrible.

I mean, it's literally one-year-olds, two-year-old, three-year-olds, running around, playing. It's that sound of like, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hoo. And you just have like, no, you didn't get me. And they're running full-speed. And I'm like, I want to trip one of these fucks elbow in the head, pinching. nipples, suck his dick, whatever it is. I just want to hurt somebody. It's like trick-or-treating. You know, you get the 14-year-old

like, ding-dong, and get the fuck out of here, you pubic-haired, quiff? Yeah, they get a roll of toy people around their head, and they're like, I'm a mummy, and you're like, I'd like to fuck you, you mummy, you piece of shit. Ed you. So, ho, testicle Tuesday. Look at this lady. I think that was May.

I go, I'm like, I'm going to beat the shit out of my, and then you just want them to, like, come near my kid. I want to beat up a teenager. Oh, mamacita. So we're like, and at one point, this is great. One of them, like, ran by, just skated by, and Sarah goes, hey, go this stubborn. Like, it was like the mousiest, like, hey, mister. And like, they didn't even here.

And we had to that thing went like this. Yeah, you tried. She's like, yeah, that was bad. She's like, you're, son of a bit. But then there's like, it's hard to explain, you know, there's like big, like a grid of ropes. It's like one of these things that hangs up here and you can kind of sit in it, like, You know, it's like... Like a net.

Yeah, a net. Yeah, a net betting. A net Pollock, who's a comic in Boston, you never heard of. But anyways... What is it? Hamnet. Hamnet. Yes, Jesse Buckley.

Make love to me. Cuckley. I think she's married to a guy that's good. Oh. Jeff Buckley? No, he's dead. Oh, shit. Drowned.

No way. Yeah, afraid so. Yikes. Only like 40 years ago, though. Black guy? Nope. Anyways, so there is. There's a little baby in the net.

Baby net. That's what Epstein had. Just scoop him in. I don't know. These are stretches. She's in there. And then one of these kids goes running up, and he jumps on the thing.

It's bouncy. He almost stepped on the kid. And the kid's mother is below the net. And she's like, hey. And then another mother, who had nothing to do with this kid, slapped him on the head. Whoa.

The head slapped. Hey. Wow. She goes, watch it. And I was like, this lady's my hero. Hit him. She struck them.

Wow. She, Deacon Jones. And the kid was like, Oh, oh, she's like, watch where you got. That's crazy. Good for her. And then it was a black baby, and the black lady down here was like this, thank you for that.

And she was like, and she like gave her the fist. It was like a moment of. Racial harmony. Racial harmony. Yeah, because this asshole almost stepped on a baby. She couldn't reach him, so she popped them upside the head. Hey, that'd be a great name for a mixed woman. Rachel Harmony.

That's something. You see, this is how you got to the top. Rachel Harmony. But I love that. I love the moms coming together. No black, no white, no color barrier. We just want to protect the kids. She slapped them right in the head.

I've never seen anything like it. I was like, that was unbelievable. And the kid just, you know, you think nowadays maybe the kid's going to sue or go tell his mother. Maybe it doesn't have a mother. I have no idea. Nah. But it was because they didn't have parents. They're teenagers.

Sure. And you want to go, the whole city is here. I know. Go play in the street. Go play on the subway. Go play in the grass. This is crazy. You're in a playground.

Yeah. Playgrounds for the children. Absolutely. But yeah, she fucking right on the head. What? Now, no. Top head, back head. Front head.

I would say it was like here. Kind of front, when the forehead meets the top of that. It wasn't as hard as I'm doing. She did like that. Like a, hey, like an attention getter. But it's also a good one of a lady day. If you did it, it'd be a different world.

Different story. But this from a woman is, we get it. But you could see it was just her natural react. Like she saw a 13-year-old kid almost step on a one-year-old baby. And she just went, ah, hey. Yeah. Well, also, it was probably. brewing for a minute when these kids are running around.

The hatred was setting. We all hated them. Yeah. Good for her, mom. Hit that kid. You ever, here's a photo. I want to own that. That is a miraculous photo.

That's unbelievable. Look at that. Put it on camera real quick. Look at it. Umar. I never noticed Umar. Look at old. Yeah.

I knew this would be a problem. Well, you post it in. You put it in. Yeah. You get that. It's got to be a salikus. Oh, easily. Something like that.

Put the, uh, put the dog being thrown from point breaking as well. I think he does that. Salicus, I brought this up to you offstage. I'm watching all the footage from Skankfuss. I'm watching a 12-minute interview with Doug Stanhope. I just see, in the background, I just see Salakuse having the time of his life. Not a camera anywhere near him. He's eating snacks.

He's smoking a cigarette. It's me, Bennington, and Salicus. He's hitting on a girl. He's just telling stories. He doesn't even have a camera. Oh, that's gold. I watched it the whole time. I'll show you the video. I'm not even hearing what Stan Hope's saying.

I'm just looking at this man, I'm paying. Just chit-chatting it up. Having a time of his life. Trying to bang Kim Congan in the back. He's figuring her. Now, see, you should make a side, pay another guy to make all the compilation of Saluky was eating snacks and eating girls out. And then send that right to him and go, you should be paying me for this, you quiff. It's beautiful. I mean, don't get me wrong.

His footage is amazing. When he was shooting, it was unbelievable. But, man. You got an hour from him. It was great. And, yeah, this movie is going to be, I'm telling you, this is going to be the all-time comedy documentary. Whoa, Mama.

Now, do you wait? Do you sit on it? Because, you know, do you want to put it out later, you know, after the years have gone by when they can go, look what we had. Or do you want to put it out now while the fest is still cooking? Well, it's going to premiere at the next year's festival in November. But, yeah, we've got to put it out because I borrowed a lot of money from a lot of people. You got a lot of investors.

We've got to get this money back. Good point, Fannie. So please buy it. It's going to be unreal. I mean, Lewis is crying. Patrick Holbert is on the Grabatron with Lewis. Like, you got Lewis fucking going around and around and Patrick's on there. And then Lewis has his own video.

It's insane. Whoa. It's insane. We got stage diving, crowd surfing, drugs, mushrooms, crying. It's insane. I love it. I can't wait. And all these great interviews, too.

No, you could. You got so much footage. You could do a DVD commentary. Absolutely. There's going to be a comic chair. There's going to be a bonus stuff. It's going to be... I mean, we have a thousand hours of footage.

It's crazy. Use the whole buffalo, fatty. Get all that footage out there. There was some buffaloes there. I'll tell you that. That's true. Yikes. I was talking to one.

He was talking to everybody. Yeah. He put that camera in the corner and just chit-chatting it up. Buffalo Wild Wings. I never like Buffalo Wild Wings. I don't love it either. It's not that great. It's not great.

It's too bro-y in there, I find. Well, it's just I think the... It's just kind of fine chicken. Columbus, Ohio. Is that where it started? Yeah. Which I'll be in Columbus in just a few weeks. Hey, there you go.

Doing a little Ohio run. Doing Youngstown, Toledo, Columbus. Oh, man, that's fun. That'll be a good time. I'm having a blast doing these short flight. I just into you. That's like an hour and 13 minutes. I'm going to Buffalo this weekend.

What's that? 14 seconds on a flight just goes whoop, whoop. And I love these heliums, Jerry. Helium's good. Cap City. that's right i'm doing that too i'm uh going down to austin doing cap city mothership and the creek i'm doing a little mix and match variety i'll be there i'll believe what i see it um well that's what i was going to say is and this is this is one of the downsides of austin these people act like oh the

other thing about austin you're in the middle of the country so you get all you're closer to all these things you're like no you're further new york city is an hour and a half flight to Cleveland, Detroit, Cincinnati, Nashville, yeah, North Carolina, Raleigh, Chicago's close, Chicago, Buffalo, Montreal, Toronto, Boston, D.C., Baltimore. It's like, no, this is way closer than Texas is.

Well, it's a shorter flight to L.A. There you go. It's a shorter flight, a little bit shorter to Denver. Yeah, those places, I guess. Right. But not by a tub. Seattle, Portland. It's like two hours closer to Seattle, an hour and a half, two hours.

All right, all right. So there's something. There's something. And you get all of Texas. Yeah, New Orleans is closer, obviously. Sure, with another dope comedy there, really. Except for the festival. That's true.

It's Gang Fest. Yeah, it's back there next year. Just keep it there, will you? Well, I think they'll stay there for a while. All right, I hope so. Boy, I'm excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, I had something I lost it.

I think I got something else here, too. Oh, it hit me, Faddy. By the way, we're doing another episode this week. We better start writing. Oh, I got to run through traffic. Boy, did you see that, by the way? No. This bunch of high school kids, they had a beloved teacher.

They love this guy, one of those real teacher-student bonds. They go teepee his house for his birthday or something. You know, classic TP. So he doesn't know what's going on. He sees a bunch of mayhem in his front lawn. He freaks out, and he runs outside and starts chasing the kids. He doesn't know it's his kids. And he gets hit by a car, dies.

Oh. I know. Where was this? I hate this. chew, but you're going to have to go-goo. Teacher hit by car. Teacher hit by car. Big prank.

It was like out of love. Hey, let's go fuck with Dr. Johnson. That's like all the right moves. Remember that film? You see Leah Thompson's tits. I don't know if I've ever heard about that. That's what they did. They teepee and then they run and then he sees Tom Cruise and he kicks him off the football team.

That's a hell of a picture. I forgot about that. What is it? U.S. teacher killed after toilet paper. Prank goes wrong. There's no paper in there, is there? Do you say toilet paper? Let me say that.

I got dyslexia. No, I'm fucked up. I can't read. You can read? But I get all the letters all mixed up. I got paper prank. No, you're right. This happened to my whole life.

I miss words. I can't read. Careful. Can't read. I was going to do a little Chris Rock there, but that's the second time I had to catch myself from comedians doing N-word bits. Yeah, yeah, well, the good bits. The Edward's funny. I mean, most of my Twitter feed is like Bill Clinton looking at pictures and go,

Edward reminiscing. And just the N-word makes the bits 80 times funnier. I've been saying it for years. I mean, anytime a black comic or black person refers to Santa Claus as the N-Word. Oh, my God, that's hilarious. This N-Whorst coming down your chimney? I'm like, he's calling Santa Claus at N-word. That's like the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

There's a picture of some blackout of fashion show run, runway, and he's wearing like all gold. and some black guy grabbed it goes, Enward looks like a word that was original. And I'm like, howling on the toilet because it's so funny. You know, like, they say fuck adds half a laugh, you know. Edward adds like 500 laughs.

Well, the greatest laugh thing, funniest thing of all time is Chappelle talking about Michael Riches. And he goes, Oh. Edward's having a bad set. That is so funny. I mean, he's calling Michael Richards the N-word. Who's yelling the N-words?

Yes. Now, have you seen this video? Then I'll leave you alone, because now I'm turning into the, the Tosh Point O guy, but it's a black kid, young, cool black kid doing the man on the street as you do.

And he goes up to some fat old white guy and he goes, hey man, are you right wing or left wing? And the guy is like, he's wearing like a chief jersey or something. He's holding a beer. He looks a little right wingy. And the guy goes,

why are you asking me that? What are you? And the black guy goes, I'm just an N-word trying to get paid and get laid or something. And the white guy goes, you're not an end. N-word, and he's saying it.

He's like, you're not an N-word. Why do you have to say N-word? And he's saying N-word. And the black guy's like, what, you can tell he's like squaring up. Like, would you call me? He goes, stop saying A N-word. You're not an N-word.

You're better than that. And the black guy's like, oh, I am. And he, like, beat racism. Wow. So they became friends. Is this real? This is real. This sounds like AI, gay eye or maybe.

What do you call that? What do you call it? Set up. What's that called? Grock. Fake. We know what they call that. Deep fake?

No. No. What do they call that? A setup. A fake tits. This is. A setup. No.

Set up? This is, you know, they do a viral video. It's like they plan to have a viral video. What's the word? Set up. Set up and set up. I don't know. We always look at Chuck, but I think Chuck is almost as dumb as we are.

He doesn't know either. It's planted. It's a plant. It's a set it up. It's set up. Robert plant. It's cooked, planned. stage?

Stage. Stage. There you go. It sounds staged to me. Well, if it is, these guys should get a Tony and Oscar and Emmy and a Webby because they fucking nailed it. Well, I don't know what. I'll send you the clip.

You send it over to me. But he cracked the coat. You know what they say when you're in a skid, you turn into it? That's what the guy did. He was like, I'm going into the N-word. And I'm going to call you an N-word by saying you're not an N-word. Well, you've got to be careful with that now because, I mean, we know a guy. who got fired and kicked out of the business.

We do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, out of the business because somebody was like, yeah, you end word, and he's like, now what do you mean when you say N word? He said the N word, and then they were all like, and he's gone. He can't. He doesn't worry.

He's a homeless person. He's picking your trash right now. Well, that's what I hate about the cancel shit, is this guy, I'm not going to give too much away. He was a booker for a very illustrious thing. Illustrious? Whatever. prestigious?

Prestigious. Thank you. Staged. And he didn't book a lot of people. So all the people who didn't get booked had a chip. Right. And so now when he gets canned for the N-word, they come out of the woodwork about the N-word, but it's actually because they didn't get booked.

Well, they also came out of the wordwork about a totally different stuff. Like it was like, hey, this guy said the N-Word. And then everyone was like, he also did this to me, which had nothing to do with the N-Word. There you go. So I don't know. But, hey, the guy's not my buddy. I don't want to sound like whatever. I don't care.

but uh here here god i lost the pillow we'll never see that again damn it i can't bet it's out of frame uh so yeah so sorry but i got you got to see that video it's fascinating all right i'll check it out i'll send it over what was the other film i saw the bride crime 101 and one more i saw what no no scream i saw oh we got to see scream i saw the other scary movie six the most viewed trailer of all time. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, people are craving the comedy.

Of course, Marlon Wayans, he directed. He's like, we're going back. Fuck, cancel culture. We're going back to real comedy. So I think that was their like marketing campaign, and I think it worked. Oh, send help. That's the other one I saw, which was awesome. I think we talked about last week.

That was number one, you think. Out of those three. Of those three? Yeah, I think so. But also, I saw a trailer for this movie called Passenger horror movie, best fucking horror movie trailer I ever saw. They shouldn't even make a movie. They should just leave it as this. Have you seen this trailer? Never heard of it. Oh, it's great. I was like, this is great.

I fucking jump, I was like, go! What is he playing with the radio? What does he do? What's the passenger do? Well, he's driving in the woods, and then the other guy's like, hey, I got a piss. I'm sorry. And he's like, and they slow play. And he's like, I just, I'm dying to piss. I'm sorry. He's like, oh, God, all right, you go piss. And then he's in the woods. He's pissing. and then the car the horn starts honking the guy pissing goes

hey what are you doing quit messing around he comes back and the guy's missing then his body goes smashing through the windshield so he hits the gas and then he's driving

and he keeps seeing like a guy at the side of the road just staring at him and he drives a more oh my god I gotta get out of here then the side of the road guy's there again and he goes whoa that's crazy there's a ghost on the side of the road

then he drives again and the third time he passes the guy, he looks over to follow the guy, the guy's in the car! Oh, yeah! Passinger! And I'm like, this movie shouldn't be made. They should just leave it as a short film Passenger. I can't wait.

Oh, my God, is that a dick? Smaller. All right. Holy hell, that's good. I saw the whole thing in my mind. Yeah, you've got to see this trailer. You'll shit ice cream for a month. Yeah, because where do they go from there? You can't beat that. It's going to stink. I know it. But anyways, So what do I got coming up?

I got the big Ohio run. Ohio. Oh, H. I. Oh, my dad, 50 bucks. Thank you for that. Niles, Ohio, April 8th. Niles, hey?

What are you? Kramer? No. Frasier. Sorry. Then the ninth. I'm in Toledo. Then the 10th and 11th.

I'm in Columbus. I'll be staying in Cleveland the whole week. We'll see. just joking. April 16, 17, 18, Providence Comedy Connection, of course. Patriots Day weekend. I'm always excited for that.

Then the big Europe run, London. We already sold out the first show. Added a second show. We got Dublin, Belfast. Glasgow by popular demand, Bristol. Whoa, mama. So get on that, you UK, Sons of Onions. And then what else do I got going on?

Levittown, governors, Poughkeepsie's coming up. Maybe that's already passed. I don't know. Maybe it's this weekend. Who knows? And Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian is out there. Go see the specials.

They're all over a million, but let's keep them cooking. Keep them cooking, folks. When's this come out? Next week? No idea. Okay. I will be in Austin at the Creek in the Cave on the 19th, and I'll be bopping around.

Then I might do some LA spots. I'm doing Rich Eisen and a couple other friends. Oh, fun. Yeah, I got the publicists. Really ride me. Vets Theater. That's the big one. Providence, Rhode Island, Chuck. You know it well. I'll be there. It's one of the great theaters. I love that town. Do you see the mall? The mall live in a mall? Oh, dude. It's great. It's great. Really fun. Lexington, Kentucky, almost sold out. Fort Lauderdale at the improv. Raleigh, North Carolina, back at Good Nights. It's been a while. Spokane. Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempe Improv, Royal Oak, Michigan. Michigan, hilarities at Cleveland, Ohio, and Godforsaken, anal, watch the special. My special comes out on the 17th.

Oh, that's so soon. So this will be tomorrow. Whoa. So watch it tomorrow and like it, subscribe, whatever you do, Netflix. Netflix. So watch it on Netflix. It's called None Too Pleased. It's a hot hour.

I really worked hard on it. And it's fun, irreverent, wacky, silly, and messy. Watch it. Not weird? Not weird. So give it a world. And the Patreon. Woo!

You got that right. Woo! That's the only way to describe this fucking thing. It's a hot one. Hot one. We're about to do it up right now. Maybe we'll do a hot gay queef or a quefe in the city? What's it called?

I don't know. Cueef TV. We'll do that Thursday. You probably didn't bring the setup. Thursday, Queef TV. Love it. All right. Thank you, folks.

We'll see in hell. Patreon special, the road. Skank Fest. He doesn't have a mic. The mic's broken. Mike's broken. Check on my podcast. Fundbearable.

And also, we are doing a very big project in Rhode Island. We need some funding. Hit me up at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. Want to give a big shout out to Robert from Sheath. Oh, Robert Patton. Robert Patton. Huge contributor to this project. What the fuck?

Yeah, I know. He didn't contribute to Skag Fest. Yeah, Sheath. So, yeah, check out Sheath. But, yeah, if you want to contribute and be part of it, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. Thank you, buddy. All right.

We appreciate Bobby Patton, veteran. Whoa, look at the size of that cock. Good, like Wilson. It's quite a hefty hog we got here. Huel. Hule. All right, let's read some ads. My father's good.

George's St. Cutter. Thank you.