Tuesdays with Stories! - #648 So Fresh and So Spleen

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

Mark pushes an admission out of the suits! Joe mistakes a woman's identity for the first time in his So-Called life! Joe and Mark have a debate for the ages and almost come to blows! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories -Click the link http://kalshi.com/r/TUESDAY or download the Kalshi App and use code TUESDAY to sign up and trade today! - Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. We're starting. Oh, my God. I wasn't ready. It's snowing outside. It's 4 p.m. I don't know what's happening. It's no good.

I'm out, Jerry. I'm in Texas. I'm here. I'm already gone. I'm going to sound high. I'm going to live in Austin. Isn't it crazy what happened with, like you say Austin now?

People think right wing, but for the 50 years previous, you thought hippie-diffy-diffy, keep Austin weird. It was like the hippie liberal center of Texas. Exactly. Days are Confused. Link Ladder. It was a college town. Yeah.

Ethan Hock, my sister's ass, Willie Nelson, weed. Uncle Scissor. Yeah, yeah. Silly stuff. Crazy. And now it's like, oh, I might go to Austin. What are you crazy? You got to be blowing fucking Alex Jones.

And my God, I'm like, it's still the same hippie town. I know. It's got a creek and a lake and a taco and a queso and a casso. Creek in the Cave. There's like, you know, like three guys move there who are right-wing. Right. And everyone else is still hippie-dippy weatherman. Well, we do that with everything, to be fair.

It's like, you're working out now? What are you all right? If I say retard, people think I'm alt-right. I'm like, retard. Well, we're going to lose this episode. Well, you know, whatever. But how did that pick? That's when I grew up.

I was seven saying retards. I wasn't alt-right when I was seven. But everything just shifts. We keep shifting everything to a box. What boxes it in? Big shift. Shift. Late shift.

Yes. It's fucking snowing outside. Tectonic shift. How about this? I'll text you the photo. You plug it in. You probably won't. But that's all right.

Look at this. I've never been here at 4 o'clock. Oh, yeah. That Atlantic terminals, it's a Grand Central Station of Brooklyn. All the high schools were getting out. I stood in line like that, like the Richard Breyer joke. It was like one step at a time. The guy's clipping my heels.

I get outside. It's winter. Who needs this? I know. It took me an hour from Midtown. The train kept stop. It does the thing where the train, you don't notice it, but it's humming. It's going, and then it goes like this.

Because the power, they shut the power down. Because there's congestion, so they just go, boot. And then all of a sudden you're on a silent train. You're like, are we fucking about to die? I know. It's like an electric car. It just goes to nothing. And then it was 75 two days ago.

Now it's snowing. And there's kids outside. I was in a pair of panties and a table. tube top fucking 12 hours ago. I literally, it took me 10 minutes and step up the steps. I'm doing one step at a ton. The guy behind me is clipping my heels. I got someone's stinky ass in my face.

I get outside. It's just blustery snow. Yeah, cuckoo, bananas. This town has gone haywire. This town needs an enema. I'm going to get a fucking belt buckle the size of Rupert's tits. Jeez. Two buckles.

And a pat buckles. And a fucking 10-gallon, hat and lock stock and two smoking barrels. I'm going to Austin. What are you all right? Come on down. All right. I'm going next week. I'll be there after you. I mean, we could save money.

I know. You know who's down there. You're not going to want to hear this. Who? One Ari Sheffier. I saw that. I saw that. He's on the steps totally barefoot like he's fucking Jimmy Buffett or Rick Rubin. All I do is shit on Ari. Of course I love Ari. Great comic. Rubin's got to be a Jew, right?

Oh, the name is Jew, and then the sandwich is very Jewy. Well, he's from Brooklyn there. Is he? Brooklyn or Queens? Is he Queens of Brooklyn? Oh, he's got to be a Jew, although he comes off so goy with that beard and the bullshit. I suppose so. I love Ruben.

You give me a Rubin, I'm listening. He's good. I got some problems with Roobes. Yeah, well, we've talked about it before. We had the whole debate. Salacuse was like he's never played an instrument, but he played guitar in a band. And he's like, you can't find a photo with him playing an instrument.

He plays an instrument. That's true. But I don't know. He hooks up with these already insanely talented people. And he's like, we're going to make a hit record. I'm like, make a hit record with Chuck. Then I'll see how good you are. Well, Johnny Cash and had a hit record in 50 years, blew him back up.

Chili Peppers, all their big records are with Rubin. All right. No one ever heard of the Beastie Boys before Rubin. That was historic. Rick Poopin. That was big. Wow. And all the Twitter.

12 years of this show. That's a first. That was pretty good. Double-barreled action in the bullpen. Yeah, that was a two-shooter. I think I shit my pants, seriously. Oh, God. Really?

Yeah, I think this might be a little bit of a stick in there. Like, it's a little bit of a goo. Oh, I got it. It's a little gooey. Yeah, it smelled gooey. Like I sat in gum. Yeah. Brown gum.

That was a whopper. I got this. You ready for this nugget? I can't wait for a nugget. I love a nugget. Tell me what you think about this and put it right in my dickhole. So I got the special out. This is out, right?

I think so. Yeah. 17. 17. 100. St. Paddy's. Again, St.

Paddy's fucked me. I shot my old special on St. Patty's weekend in Chicago. Ruined the whole thing. Drunks, fist fights in the crowd, puking, girls getting hit. Crazy. That was just my closer.

But, this time they're releasing it on St. Paddies, which I assume everybody's going to be out in the streets, fornicating, and drinking beer. No, everybody watches all the time. You've got to release a clip at three out. At what point in the day, are you not looking at your phone? You don't see someone else looking at their phone, staring at their TV?

Everyone's looking at the shit all the time. All right, okay. At work, they watch. St. Patrick's Day, maybe some young quefs will be drunk and they'll watch it the next day. Sure. They'll worry about that. All right. Everyone's going to see it.

They're all going to watch it. I appreciate it. Thank you, thank you. All right, well, yeah. But you know, you get in your head, you go, I haven't sold a ticket. It's because the strawberry festival is in town. Exactly, yeah. Or the ice capades are a mile away or whatever.

But it is weird that St. Patrick's Day is so fixed into your special business. Yeah, and I'm not a Mick. I'm not a patio, blue-eyed ginger. Paddyo furniture is on sale. So it's coming out. So Hulu sent me about a week ago, or two weeks ago, they said, send us a couple jokes you like. We'll chop them up and use that as promo on social media.

Chop them up and feed them to the poor? You two-faced, lace, Irish curtain. Fuck. All right. So I go, oh, no problem. I like this joke. I like this joke. I like this joke.

I like this joke. And I said, great. They come back in a week. They go, we got to do a conference call. And I go, oh, that's not good. I hate a conference call. There's 18 Jews on there with a speaker phone and my Jews. And they go.

Yeah, we got some bad news there. We reviewed the special again. We'd like to take out the Muslim joke. I got a big joke about Muslims. And I go, oh, why? And they go, well, last time a comic did a Muslim joke, we got bomb threats, we got death threats. They said they were going to kill us.

They ruined the whole studio, blow the place up to smithereens. So we'd like to not use the Muslim joke. Smith, therines. And I go, well, I like the joke. It kills. It's a hot joke. And, you know, no one touches muz. I like the idea of, like, Islamic extremists using smithereens.

We blow you up to smithereens. You never know. It's a common term. Smytherines is funny. You know, Charlie Hedbo got smithereened. I love to know the origin of smithereens. We don't need it to know. But later on, but that's funny.

The idea of smithereens being in the letter is very good. Where did that? That got to be a Bugs Bunny line or something. Smith, Get that on the back burner there, Faddy. That's good stuff. All right. So they got to blow it up to Smith.

So I'm on the call like, oh, I thought this is going to be like we're cutting your money. We're taking the special down. We don't like you. Stop writing us letters. But they're like, we want to take out the Muslim joke. And they're very cool. Of the whole special, not just the clip? Well, that's what I thought.

So I was like, I've got to fight for the joke here, folks. You approved it. Now you're going back. And they're like, well, okay, well, keep it in the hour, but we got to get it off socials. And I said, why? What's the difference? And they go, well, socials is where all the shit starts.

Right. You go put shit on the internet. That's where the fire fucking kicks up. The pile on, the retweets, the sharing. You can't comment on a TV screen, you know? Right. So they're like, well, we got to take it off. So that's a no-brainer.

And I was like, okay, okay, I don't love it, but okay, I will take it off on one condition. And they said, all right, what do you want to hear? What do you want? I go, I want you to admit on this call that there are dangerous people. Oh, geez. And they were like, what, no, what are you crazy? And I'm like, you got to admit it. Or I'm keeping it or I'm posting it.

Wow. I mean, I'm half joking, but they were like, you can hear like a in the back, like a horse was walking through. And I was like, that's all I need. And they go, well, we're not going to do that. And I'm like, why not? They go, well, that's offensive. And I go, that's what the call is. you're calling about this, and I just need you to say it out loud.

You know me, I need acknowledgement, Jerry. I like acknowledgement. Everyone wants acknowledgement. But it's kind of a microcosm of the whole thing of like you can say, hey, I love this group, but then you don't live near them. You know, we're all talk. We're all signaling. We're all virtuous, but you don't actually act that way. Right.

And I think this is a perfect example of that. Hey, we're scared. Hey, we don't get head bowed. We're nervous. Okay, well, why are you nervous? Well, wow, come on, shut up. Right. So that's what I was getting at.

So they admitted it. Hey, speaking of bombing. This is the end of the clip. Yeah, no, it's, I get it. I mean, it's nice to be like, you got to say the thing. It was fun. It's like a few good men. You've got to ask me nicely.

Yes, yes, exactly. Is that a good impression? That was really good. That was very good, Nicholson. Wow. You sleep under the blanket of freedom. I think I lost it. Which I provide.

Well, it was fun. The W.W.F. You make me want to be a better man. See, I'm going more into Slater. AC Slater. But, yeah, so I got to be able to say that on the bike. Oh, that's fun. I got Muslim friends.

Umar's a big muz. You know, I don't give a shit. But it was fun to get a group of HR homos to go, all right, they're dangerous. We'll see you later. Zippity do, duh. Bye-bye. That was a lot of fun. So, big, big phone call.

Wow, that's crazy. It's crazy when you get into that world because there's people with sit, there's men with jobs, Jerry, just on the phone. They were getting paid to have that phone call with my dumbass. Yeah, that's fascinating. They're in a conference room with water and fruit, and they've got to go, hello, Mr. Norman, how you doing? He go, how's the baby?

Good, good, good. So, Muslims, that was the call. Well, that's a weird thing about that world, because YouTube, there's nobody. It is not even anybody kind of in charge. You're just like, upload. Exactly. And then you're like, here we go. I hope that works out.

Well, YouTube's more like the Wizard of Oz because you don't know who's in. There's a guy behind a curtain. You say cunt in 48 minutes in. And they go, take it out. Yeah. Put them on the suppressed list. Yeah, it was about 18 minutes in. But yeah, it was fucking horrible.

It ruined the whole thing. But at least with Hulu. They have the DC to call you. Go, we're nervous about this. We're nervous about this. Well, that was the thing about the YouTube. to several people that were like, it was A-OK and then it even went through the

whatever you call it. Algo? Yeah, went through the system. Dishwashers? And it still got fucked up. What are you going to do? Yeah, I think they just got robots back there. Like, Sam got dinged for a Nazi joke and he's a big heap. They were like, whoa, you said Nazi? And he's like,

I'm shitting on him. Right. But they just heard Nazi. So they pulled him. Yeah, it's all the buzz and the booze and the bees. How about the shadow band people? Yeah, you ever meet these people? They go, ah, must be shadow band. I got 18 views. I'm like, well, you could suck.

Well, we're back on Ari again. Ari was the first person I ever heard talking about the shadow, but maybe that was more real back then. I don't know. It was similar to when guys would go, oh, my car was parked here. I guess I'm getting punked. And I'm like, we live in Baton Rouge.

You're not a celebrity. No one's punking you, Jeff. He just parked illegally. I called the cops one time because I thought my car was stolen. I told you this story before. Cape with Ira Proctor way back in the day. This is years ago.

We got fucking shit housed. Yeah, you do. At the comedy lounge, Cape Cod Comedy Lounge. And then we come back the next morning, I come out to get my car. And I'm like, well, the car's gone. Fuck me. Got stolen. Called the police.

Police come. We're filing a report. And we're just chatting with them. It's the middle of morning. He's like, yeah, you know, it happens every once in a while. Not a lot down here. But, you know, and then as I see my car sideways on the other side of the park. I forgot.

We went to get beer. I totally had browned out or blacked out that we went out a second time. Right. And I was like, you know what? There's my car. And it's one of those things that's so obvious. What happened? You're like, ah, shit, you know what?

My car's over there. And he's like, all right. I'm like, yeah, sorry. So just go ahead and cancel that. And they're like, okay. A couple things about the cops. Whenever I've had a situation like that where you call the cops and it's nothing, they don't charge you.

Doesn't it seem like there's going to be a bill or a fee? No, don't say that out loud. that's coming next. Oh, God. They don't give them any ideas, this city, this state. Yeah. Also, I always thought two things. One, you think they'll, because people hate cops so much,

and cops have their problems. I think we need them. They're good, but they have, you know, they got their flaws. Sure. You think they'll ever be an Uber of cops? Or is that too liability? Well, I think that was a big thing that happened in the wake of post-B-LM when all the cops retired.

There was mass retirement and mass retirement. man, and mass, whatever. All the wealthy people just got private security, and the private security was ex-cops. You're right. All the cops were like, we're out. Fuck you, you don't appreciate us. I'm taking my, whatever they call that when you retire, thing early, pension.

Pension. I'm getting my pension. I'll go into the private sector. And then all the people that were like, we got to get rid of the cops, we're like, oh, shit, there's no cops. Right. Can I hire you, old copy stew? Wow.

It's kind of like going from porn only fans. Hmm. Well, you get to be singular. Maybe that's not a great example. That's not bad, I guess. Maybe Hookard Onlyfans? Because Hooker, you get abused, you get thrown around, no one cares about you. You're in the field.

You're in the field. People shit on you. But you're on Onlyfans. Direct money, and you don't get pipped to slap around by the pimp. Yeah, I suppose so. That's an analogy. But maybe there'll be some kind of Uber. But I think there is, the really rich people have private security.

They drive around with people in their car. They got private security and private fire people in L. Is that right? There's a certain sect that's so rich They have their own fire people. Wow. I might have made that up. Give that a goog after spithereens.

Yeah. I mean, that sounds wild. But that's the beautiful thing about, we talked about taxes last last week. That's why you need the taxes so you can have a fire department and a police department

that doesn't say, hey, you owe us 500 bucks or whatever. Exactly. Yeah, that's nice. See, you're paying for it. You just don't see it. But you don't have the ambulance. They'll jack you up for that. You've got a bill for that.

That's for sure. That's true. That's why I never take it. I'll be bleeding with my leg crooked the other way. And I'm like, I'll Uber. Well, that happens on Uber. Because one time Luke Monis and I were in Portland, and we were going to the Alphabet District, his old neck of the way, great area.

And the only, like, landmark you could think of was the hospital. He's like, so he put it in, and then we got in. The Uber driver was like, hey, is this an emergency? Because I cannot take you if this is an emergency. And we were like, emergency. What are you talking about? And he's like, you put in the hospital. He's like, I'm not allowed to take anyone that has a medical emergency.

because they caught on to that because people, instead of taking an ambulance for five grand, we're taking an Uber for eight bucks. Well, that should be our right. It's an America. Well, Uber, I think, is a private company, though. And they don't want to get some guy who got shot in the belly twice, and he takes an Uber, and then the Uber driver takes a wrong turn. He dies.

And they go, we're suing Uber. I thought it was a... So I think Uber is like, hey, if you need a fucking ambulance, get an ambulance. We are not a medical fucking vehicle here. What if you got a gas or diarrhea or... I do think. Well, I... That's not an emergency.

I think if you're having a heart attack and you try to Uber, so here's the hack, here's the secret. You got to put in whatever's next to the hospital. Arby's. So if you're having a fucking heart attack, you type in Arby's and they're like, the usual, Bob, and you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you get to Arby's, and you just fucking go.

Take a left. You just take a left and you go to the hospital. Okay, okay, this is a good hack. But also, I was wondering, when you get a bullet shot, gunshot wound, they have to report it by law. The ambulance. So maybe if you're on the wrong side of the field and you get shot and you get an Uber to the hospital,

you don't have to report the gunshot. Although they'll probably report it when they get in there. Yeah, plus you're bleeding everywhere, the thing. I knew a guy years ago. Derek, I didn't really know him. Derek, my best buddy knew him. He went to King's Point. They were at a bar.

He didn't realize that. So he got in an argument with a guy. He was dancing with his girl, classic fucking stuff. Yep, yep. Bird dog. Big Easy, which is. no longer day. We called the big sleazy. It was on the Upper East Side. And a guy was, hey, fuck you. They got in a fight.

Kind of wrestling match, whatever, got thrown out. And he felt faint. Hailed a cab. This was back in the cab days. He was sitting on the sidewalk, gutting the cab. And he's like passing out. The cab driver's like, you've got to get out of my cab. You're passing out. You're a mess. And he goes, oh, okay. And the cab driver's like, what the fuck? You're bleeding everywhere. Didn't realize he had been stabbed in the spleen. Splene. He was so drunk and jacked up from the fight. The guy shanked to him.

Oh. End up having his spleen removed. Oh. But meanwhile, the guy is on the sidewalk, hailing a cab, sitting in there, and he's just bleeding out in the cab. Wow. And when the cab drivers are kicking him out, he's like, fuck you, man, I got to go somewhere. And the cab driver was like, you're bleeding on my cab.

You get the fuck out of here. Whoa. And then I forget the rest of the start. If someone scooped him up or if he walked the hot, whatever happened, he ended going to the hospital, had no idea I'd been stabbed. They had to take a spleen out because it was fucking all splushed up. Now, this is 21 years ago, so I may be missing some details. But that's the basic story.

Is he okay? I don't know. I'll have to follow up on him. I mean, he survived. All right, all right. He might be dead now from other causes. Sure. So fresh and so spleen, spleen.

But I think if they tow your car, by law, they should have to leave a sticker. Give me a sticker, a flyer, something. Just put a knife at a tree with a paper on it. Right. Something because I've had my car towed and you're like, is it towed? Is it stolen? Is it to stolen? I go to New Orleans.

My car got stolen every 10 minutes. Well, how about this? used to do, they still probably do, when they shoot productions here in New York City. They put the little placate. They put signs everywhere. They got to move your car. We're shooting a movie here. But if you don't do it, they will tow your car, but they just put it in like another

parking space because they don't impound it. That happened to me one time. I couldn't find my car. I went to the police station with Dan Herschaw. That's how long ago this was. And they go, he's been dead for eight years. Splean. And he got stabbed in the spleen.

So we went to the hospital to the police station. And they were like, oh, yeah. You parked it in a fucking movie zone. Give me a sticker. It's parked now at 8th Avenue, whatever the fuck. And I had to go. So I still had my car. They just kind of like moved it over.

That's even more annoying. At least with a toe pound, you can go, hey, you got my car. You got an old centra. And they go, yeah, we got it. But with the movie zone, you don't know where it is. The movie phone. Hello. Just tell me the name of the parking spot you'd like to be in.

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That's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Chiching. Back to the show. I got a story about losing a car. Marty Grau, parked a car, got drunk for nine hours, whatever, went to bed, woke up, car was not there. So I had to call my parents, it was their car. I had to go, I think the car was stolen. And they go, where'd you park it?

I go, I don't know. It was over here. I swear to God, it was over here. And my dad was like, huh, and he smelled a fish. And he was like, something's up. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I parked right here. He's like, you're pretty sure? It's like pretty sure.

And he's like, all right, I guess we'll call the police. But let me drive around a little bit. We drove around the block. Then we kind of circled out and we found the car. And he goes, were you drunk? And I went, no. And he went, you were. And I was what I was.

And he goes, you never drive it again or something like that. So I got in trouble. Well, now you have two cars. Someone has to drive the car. That's what's funny about it. You're like, well, there's the car. Oh, my mom was with us. Oh, all right.

It's funny to be like, you never drive it again after this. Right. Right, right, yeah. Well, I had the one, I think I've probably told this story at some point, but in the old, when I first started doing comedy, I would go to the comedy connection every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Faniel Hall, and I had this secret spot that Wednesday, Fianel, and I had this secret spot. I would park in, and it was always open, and then every night, and this is a funny thing, too, when you first get into comedy, you're so excited to be doing it in a round comics. You got that right, Fannie. I lived in my parent, and this will hit for the people. that live in Massachusetts, I'll try to explain the best for those that don't.

Now, I lived in Whitman at my parents' house, which is about 35 minutes, not rush hour, 45-50 during rush hour, but probably about 38 minutes would take me to get home. Okay. That's South. Now, Lamont Price, you know Lamont a little bit. Hey, big fat smell. He's, I mean, I don't know. I wouldn't say that.

But that was a joke that he stunk. Ah, well, he's a big guy, big comic, great guy. One of the first comics I met was so good to me. when I first started. I think I told this story before. The roast joke? No, no, no. I think I told this story once before.

When I first went to the Comedy Connection, I had been doing these other open mics, you know, around town. And I was like, I'm going to the Comedy Connection Wednesday. I'm going to go watch the show and hang out. And I bought a ticket. Wow. So I went up, and I'd been doing comedy for like two years, or a year and a half. Went, bought a ticket, and I went to the box office,

and they came and sat me down. And this is one of the nicest things anyone's ever done to me in comedy in my lifetime. Lamont Price comes into the crowd and goes, what are you doing? We're all back here. All the comics are back here. And I go, wow, I don't know. I don't work here.

He's like, get the fuck out of here. Takes me back there. He goes, hey, this is Joe List. He's a young guy. Introduces me to everybody on the thing. What a bench. It was very mentioning. And then he took me in the kitchen,

was like, we go through here. This is how you get beer. And then, of course, I just became a drunk maniac. Sure, sure. But anyways. But anyways. So I would drive him home every night. He lived in like Revere or Saugus,

which is like 20 minutes north. But I was a young whippersnapper, and I was just so excited to know a comedian. Yeah, and you got all the time of the world back then. So we were bouncing bits. So every night, you get in the habit. I live 40 minutes south. He's 20 minutes north.

So I would drive 20 minutes north, then all the way an hour south every night. That's adorable. So then we leave one night. The car gets stolen, 87 Buick century. I got to call my dad who's working in the morning. This guy puts on a shirt and tie and drives to work in the morning. Yeah, yeah.

I call him up. the car's stolen, sorry. He drives all the way of the city, 35 minute ride at like 11.30 at 9, 12.30 in the morning, whatever. Comes gets me. We have to go to the police department, file a police report. What time is it? I don't know.

Midnight, 1130, something like that. Oh, no. File the police report. But now this is a day of like no Ubers and Boston's not a late city. And we had no money. So I was like, all right, well, Lamont is here.

So we got a Oh, right. Oh, and my dad, my poor dad, he's got to be up at 5 a.m. So I'm like, yeah, he's like, all right, he's got one eye open. He's got jizz and his mustache and a hard on. And he's like, where do you live? And he's like, Revere. My dad, you can tell, he was like, are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, yeah. So he had to drive through the tunnel, pay a toll, up into five, through the ghetto, into this weird neighborhood, through East Boston. Oh, that must have been a tense, tense ride. Yeah, well, they're all tense with my old man. And so we turned around. We got like an hour and ten minute ride back. I'm like...

Ooh. What was it, about eight words spoken? Probably. And two of them were the N-word. And I was like... Durettes. I was just like, looking back, you're like, oh, my God, that was horrible. And I just didn't have it in me to be like, hey, is there anyone you can call?

Because my father doesn't want to drive you home. My father's gay. And that was also awkward because after a few years, you start to... The excitement of comedy and you rubs off when you have to run. You have to be like, hey, I'm not going to... I can't drive you home anymore. That's crazy. That's true.

Good for you. And I remember Tom Dustin, he lived in Everett, which was one town away. He wouldn't drive him home. And they lived like eight minutes apart. He's like, no, I don't drive out of my way. I got fucking, it's gas money, whatever. Not to mention he was, you know, rip shit blackout. Yeah.

So anyways, that was that story. Wow. That was good stuff. I could see the whole thing. Yeah. I should give my dad a gift certificate to Chipotle or something. Yeah. Keep those coming.

Man, Revere. You were Paul Revere to your dad. You were a true. traitor. Yeah, the blackskins are coming. Was that Paul Revere? The red coats are coming. Wasn't that him? Redskins? Potato skins. No, it's the red coats. Red coats. Yeah. But then I made black skins. But you guys did react. So I thought it was... Oh, black skins. Okay. It took me a second. Because red coat, black skin. It took me... I didn't get the skin. Oh, boy. Anyways. There you are. Yeah. So those are great rides, though. I remember just a bouncing bit. When you're so young and new and you'd be like... It was just so fun to be like, it was just so fun to be like,

Oh, that was so funny. Dave Chappelle, did you see that Chappelle special? And it was so great. And then it just wears up. Like, now I get off stage. I'm like, I'll see everybody later. I'm ordering the Uber as I'm leaving. I'm like, I got to go to bed.

Totally. Well, after a while, you're like, why am I hanging out so much? I'm here to do a set. The set takes 12 minutes, 15 minutes. Why am I out here for nine hours? Right. I'm just here to do a set. Yes, exactly.

Well, that's the thing that the road that's nice. You have your buddy. Yes. And you're there for like five hours. So you get hang time in then. You hope you have a nice MC and a waitress you can kind of sexually harass. That's kind of nice. Well, that's what's so weird about these people on the road who are like,

oh, you're coming. You're finally coming to Tempe. I live in Tempe. We went to high school together. We met one time in 1988. I think we bumped shoulders in the hallway. Come hang out. I live in Tempe now.

You're coming to Tempe. And you're like, what? That sounds like a lot of work. We barely know each other We're like acquaintances I'm going to be in your town We went to one semester together Of some bullshit

Now you want to like have a barbecue Right That's insane You're gonna kill my whole day That's all negative for me There's no upside in that for me I don't want to talk to you I don't want to go to a barbecue

I don't want to drive to the house Drive back I got a show to do All downside That's gonna be me when I live in Austin You're gonna be like I'm at the mothership I'm like all right

We're gonna go to every big game We're gonna have barbecue We're gonna have sauce But we know each other. I'm talking about some... I have your third cousin on your dad's aunt's side of fish bullshit. Get out of here. No, I know.

I get that. There's a few towns that I get that. And it's the same person every year. And you're like, I can't even believe this. I know. I know. But that's going to be me. No, but also there's things to do that people to see.

This, I'm talking when you go out to like Flagstaff, Arizona. Right. Hey, I'm here. Well, that's the thing that it's hard to understand sometimes is that the one of the, one of the great appeals of the road for us is that isolation. You get it all done. You're on your computer. You can edit or whatever the fuck you're doing.

Yes, I agree. Yeah, my mom is famous for that. She'll be like, oh, your 13th cousin on your side chick's side or whatever is going to be at your show. You should have dinner after. I'm like, ha, ha, what? How old is she? 88.

You wouldn't have dinner with an 88-year-old? Come on. Give me an 8-year-old. Now we're talking. Epstein. Eight Ball. Cornerpocket. Now, what were you going to?

You had a walker. I got a couple things. Not a Wapper, but I got a fun story. But first, I want to talk about this. Speaking of hanging out green rooms and black people, they're all involved in this. All right. It's at the stand last night. Ah.

And I'm down in the green room there. It's pretty good hang. It's, um, is Riggins, Reggie, O'Nika, Derek, Derek, me, and Luis Lopez, who's a sweet boy. I love that. I can write a joke. So you're the diversity. He's a good guy. I'm the diversity.

Yeah, I'm the white. D.I. Now, so earlier in the day, I had done hot yoga, and much to my surprise, all of those guys also did. I'm kidding, of course. So I did yoga. They hot boxed. The instructor, very sexy woman. Sure.

Very, very hairy armpits. Now, you guys are groaning. This is what brought up the topic. And you know me, I'm the real. point guard of podcasting. I'm the topic king. I know how to get it going. Okay.

So I'm in the green room. Everyone's smoking weed and we're listening to Dr. Dre on a very loud volume. Yes, yes. It's smokier than my sister's eye shadow. And I go, let me ask you this, folks. What's more off-putting as a man? Arm-pit hair or leg hair. Ah, I know that one.

Where are you at? Armip, to me, is worse. Interesting. Now, I'm going to interrupt you real quick. You're the first and only white guy to say this. What? All the whites were in agreement. With the armpit. Armip better than leg hair.

Oh, I disagree. No way. Tell me why. I think the armpit hair is definitely more masculine, and it comes at you like a surprise. Leg hair, I feel like, ah, she missed a day. And leg hair is stubbly, where armpit hair is like, No, no, no. Don King and a headlock.

No, because that's not what I'm talking. I'm talking full leg hair or full armpit hair. Because the stubble could be stubble. I'm not talking stuff. I'm talking hasn't shaved their legs in six months. Oh, okay. Well, let me see your leg hair. Full leg hair.

Well, I have lady like legs. You have full leg hair. That's not bad. Like, I can fuck you. Well, but some women are busier. Yeah. Yeah. But that, see, that is gross on a woman,

but I could get past. it. Also, I'm in the armpit area sexually. I'm in the tit. I'm in the shoulder. You're not the leg area? The legs are up over my head. I'm all over the legs. I'm holding the legs. I'm treating the legs. But if I'm missionary or if I'm doggy, I'm going to see the armpit. But you don't necessarily have to see the armpit. You could fuck with a t-shirt on. She could fuck with her elbows at her ribs. Oh, this is so good. You know, like this. I like that. I like midget fuck thing. The T-rex, I call it. The legs are, because I'm not talking stuff. I'm talking leg hair. Like this.

Yes, leg hair. Okay. Yeah. Like Sam Maril's eyebrow. Yeah, just full leg hair. But it was interesting because Reggie was with you. All right. Solidarity.

And I think Derek was on my, Luis was on that side too. Luis Lopez and Reggie were on that side. Me, Riggins, and Derek all were armpit hair over leg hair. Uh-huh. And then just random white guys would come in. and all the whites were armpit hair over leg hair. You're a leg man. Leg hair is gross.

Armpit hair. I'm not into armpit hair. Okay. But there's something that's a little bit different, maybe. It's like, ooh, it's a... It's funky. But I can avoid looking at that. The legs are such a sexy part.

My hands are on them. My wrists are on it. My ribs. It's in between. Yeah. And then someone was like, just do do doggy style. But I'm like, doggy style with hairy legs is just a dude. because you're not seeing the tits, you're not seeing the face.

All you can see is the ass and the hairy legs. That's a great. That dude's got a nice ass. Might as well fuck a guy. That's a great point, yeah. So I just think leg hair, I don't know, armpit hair is whatever. Yeah, yeah. And it can be a statement, too.

You can still be a hot chick who's making a statement with her armpit hair. I feel like leg hair, Lucy Goosey is like, oh, she's homeless or she's living on a compound. Or a vegan or whatever. Yeah. But call in comment. Well. Richack, you want to add something here? Armpit is where sweat gathers.

It's going to smell worse than leg hair. I don't smell. Do you smell? I don't smell you guys. At the end of the day, you smell sometimes. Well, if we're in coitus, you might give it a whiff. Yeah. We don't smell me now.

We're in a sweater. I don't mind, B.O. A little B.O. It's kind of hot to me. And I don't know. I mean, again, it's not my preference. I'm glad my wife shaves her armpit. Sure.

But I just think a hair, like a full hairy leg. And I don't mind a stubbly leg. No, me neither. My wife and I have sex and her legs are hairier than regular, but full leg hair, curly leg hair. No, that's no good either. Don't be wrong. It's like Kamala and Trump, but they're both fucked up. But here's the problem.

Well, what is way, way, way, way worse? Arpid hair. Yeah, we got a big fucking armpit hair retard in the office. There's arpid hair starting wars. but I think what my go-to problem was, my wife likes when I hold her arms back. Ah. The sexual intercourse.

So I just picture me flopping those arms over just getting, you know, with a full bozo head or carrot tops. I just think here's the, I guess, here's a point. I just came up with that I think is interesting. I find armpits more ignorable because I'm not into armpits, shaved or unshaved. You're into legs. I'm never staring.

at the armpit where sex, like I see a woman's leg, I'm into shorts and skirts and jeans and I'm a leg guy. I like a calf muscle, a quad. I'm into that. Armpit, I'm ignoring either way. I've never seen a shaved armpit that I'm like, whoa, baby, hubba, hubba. I agree. You're not staring at armpit, but they're there. They're there. When that hand goes up, you're going to vomit. I don't know if I'll vomit. I mean, this, the yoga lady, I was, after a while, I was like, I can kind of get into this. Well, that's the other thing is arpin air is a thing. It's a statement.

Right. And I think there could be a sexual aspect to the statement. But I'm picturing, let's say you see a girl across the street who's in a mini skirt and you go, she could have full bushy legs. You probably can't see it. But if she did this to get a cab, you'd go, oh, look at the armpit hair. It depends on the lady. It depends on the hereditary. What's that ethnicity?

Greek. Yeah, Greek, Italian. You might see it. Yeah. Jew, maybe. Yeah. But I just think the armpit area, it's more prominent. Leg hair is a little bit more hidden to me.

I don't know. I think the armpit hair is the most hidden thing. It's under the armpits. That's true, but you can't be more hidden than the armpit. During sex, I feel like you'd see it. Plus, my wife is always flicking her being, so her arms closed down. Ah, okay. Sometimes she'll give me a black power, fist bump or something like that.

But she'll fist you. But anyways, that became the topic, and it went for like two hours. It was fun because everyone that came in, you got to go. Great topic. But going back to the hang thing, those are guys that, I never understood this with weed. And I did a bit about this. But like, if I smoked weed, you could pass it to me twice. And then I'm going to take my underwear off over my head and lay in the corner of crying.

These guys smoked weed 100% of the time for three straight hours. I'm like, how are you not? That's true. Totally retarded. I would imagine having Down syndrome. Like, they're just smoking. joint passing it for hours. And then they got to go home, by the way.

They got to get on a subway, get on an Uber, get to their house in Brooklyn or whatever. My weed smoking was four minutes long. I was like, okay, there you go. Back to me. There you go. Back to me. Okay. Good night, Irene.

I'm fucking. Yeah. And you're like. Exactly. This whole time. You're like, what did I do? That was a huge mistake. And like every step you go up is a journey.

No, they're like fucking singing lyrics and having debates and naming movies. I'm like, I wouldn't be able to function or recognize a person. That's a great point. It's kind of like bad men. You're like, and they're like, we're having a meeting. Come on in. Clink, clink, clink, clink. They're drinking cups of scotch at 11 a.m.

Right. And then they go work. That's great. I think, what's this toast? Churchill was always drinking the morning. Churchill was like that. Yeah. But the weed thing, you're right.

That is crazy. I eat a nibble of an edible to go to bed. And if I don't fall asleep, I'm in bed like, oh, no, childhood. What did I say? I'm an idiot. That was stupid. So yeah, I'm with you. That is crazy to smoke weed for three hours and function.

Yeah. And they got to go on stage, by the way. And they kill. Yeah, they really kill. But, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. See, you're good at the topics. I love a topic. One guy had one where it was like, would you rather blow your dad or fuck your mom? Hmm. I'm talking vaginal intercourse.

I'm surprised it's not eat the mom out. Oral oral. Why isn't it fuck, fuck, fuck. Oral oral. fucking is the height of it. Yeah, I guess so. And BJ is worse. It's not as bad as fucking, but it's with your dad.

I got to say, eating your mom out is up there with fucking your mom. I mean, it's pretty close. That's true, but now your mom's on your list. If you fuck your mom, she's like, oh, I fucked her. I fucked my mom. Yeah. You know, like it's part of your resume now. I feel like we must have talked about this before.

Oh, we did. Okay, okay. You 100% did, and it originally was oral to oral. Oh, okay. Yeah. Might have been my topic. Well, what would you do? Just to recap. I think blow the dad because it's, you know, it's exciting. It's different. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think I just, I blow my father. He's got a nice mustache. He's a good man. He drove him. He drove Levant home.

He probably blew him on the ride home out of guilt. A little roadhead. But also, you blow your dad. He might talk to you. He might be like, oh, this is great. I love you, son. It's going to be the only way you get some reaction. He's like, your third special was the best one. I'm like, serious? You watched it? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. So that could be good. Get some reaction out of them. Hi there. We are sponsored by Kalshi, the largest prediction market in the U.S. Trade on whether things will or won't happen. I'm sure you've heard the buzz around Kalshi. They're making headlines.

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Calci, put your money where your prediction is. But I do have a story. I don't know. Do you have a story? Because you said you had something. Well, my Wopper was the big Muslim cult. Oh, boy. So the other day, we did it, we had to bank a couple episodes, but I know that people love this. Because we got, I'm going

International, your father's gay, Georgia said, cut it. Swiss banks. Chuck's soft quitting. You quitting? No. You are soft. So is Rupert. So we left here. We had to do two episodes in a week.

I go, hopefully something happens between now and then. I go straight from here I go Meet the family Meet the parents Good movie The baby's getting his first haircut He's got hair everywhere

He's got squiggly hairs everywhere It's like getting in his face Little, you know Because they're like Whispy thin hair So they're touching his eye He's doing this all day Cut hair

So I go let's get him a haircut You put him on the Phonebook? No no It's a fire truck They know what they're doing now Okay Now they know what they're doing.

It's a little fire truck. So there's a place called Rosie. I've got to give a shout out. Rosie. Rosie, O'Donnell. Rosie's cutting hair. It's in the back of a toy store in Tribeca. Oh, this is too cute.

It's amazing. Highly recommend you got to go there. So I go, let's go get her haircuts. We walk into the toy store. At first, you know, he's got a lick and touch and kiss every toy. He's got to fuck everybody. It's very exciting. We go in the back.

We slide open. There's a little door that's like a, what do you call a pocket door. that separates the toy store from the haircut place. It's like a little kid speak easy. Exactly. So it says, come on in, check in for your appointment. Now, I don't have an appointment, but it's like it's Wednesday at 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock. So I'm like, yeah, maybe there's a walk in.

Off peak. I open the door. There's a little girl in the fire truck getting her hair cut. I don't like that. And then there's a woman sitting in the barber chair next to it. Now, I'm used to an adult barber shop. Where you walk in, you see one guy cutting someone's hair, and another guy just sitting in a chair, you think, this barber's available.

Yes. So I go, great. Uh-oh. The lady's sitting is available. Uh-oh. Let's get a haircut. Hey, we got a walk in over here. Dead man walking.

And the lady just kind of goes, and the lady cutting the hair goes, you got an appointment? And I was like, no, but are you available? I point to this woman in the chair. Yeah. You available? Uh-huh. But I'm an idiot. She's the mother of the kids.

there has to be a kid there It's not two barbers and a child It's the mother of the child Okay, that's what I thought immediately When you first told it So I'm like, hey, hey, Tuts What do you say? You cut my son's hair

You thought she was a barber You're just sitting around doing nothing Why don't you trim my kid's hair And she didn't say that She just kind of went like And then the haircut lady, Rosie She's like, she could tell She looked like, oh my God

I'm like, am I fucking up? I feel like something weird has happened What did you say to her? I just said, hey, maybe Are you available? Oh, okay. I don't have an appointment. I just need to get his haircut.

Right, right. So now there's this weird air. I'm like, what's going on? I don't care of the turn away. She walks. She walks over, Rosie walks over the iPad and goes, no, if you don't have an appointment, next appointment's at 505.

And now I'm an asshole. I go, oh, all right, well, what about tomorrow? And she goes, well, you can go online and make an appointment. And I go, all right. Fair enough. I'll go online. I feel like I fucked up. Something weird's happening.

Oh, good. I leave. I shut the little pocket door. Sarah goes, that was Claire Daines. I had no idea. It's like a movie star, TV star. I don't watch television, Jerry. And I didn't really look at the lady.

I haven't seen Claire Dane since my so-called life when I was 11. And fucking Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio, but she's a huge star. She's in Homeland and The Beast in Me and some other shit. She lives in the neighborhood. Yeah, my so-called haircut. So I have no idea. I've walked in on like a private haircut.

I just like, Hi there! Hey bitch, why do you cut my son's hair? And she was like, ah, she probably thinks I'm the paparazzi or some asshole. Oh, man, and some trolls. I'm an influencer guy with a hidden camera. And it's her kid, it's a little child. And I'm like, bohoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

And so Rosie's like, oh, God, I got to get him out. I'm going to lose my prize client. Oh, my biggest client. Yeah, you're Nick Shirley. You're going in the back of a daycare looking for some scans. Yeah, and so Sarah's like, what are you nuts? Right away, she's like, oh, my God, we've interrupted a star. She's a movie star.

I'm an asshole. So I go, I didn't know that. I'm like, should I go back in? She's like, what are you nuts? She kicks me, she shoes me in the ass. Yeah, yeah. I leave, and I'm like, all right, well, let's go. We'll get the 505 appointment.

So we go out of line. I make the appointment. And we go to the playground. And Claire Daines is back at the playground. So now she's back, which I didn't realize again, because I'm not paying attention. You're just watching your kid. Yeah. And then there's a little girl over here, and she's talking to my kid.

And I'm like, oh, that's fun. this is interesting. Boop-bo-boop. Scoop-to-boop. I'm talking to this kid. Yeah, yeah. My kid, her kid. Then Sarah's like,

that was Claire Daines again. It's like a ghost. Whoa. I was like, what? What the fuck is going on? I was like, where was she? She's like, you were just talking to her. I'm like, I was talking to Claire Dane.

You know, you said it was a kid. No, the little, I was talking to the little kid. The mother was just sitting next to me, standing next to me. Oh, okay. So I didn't realize. Did she go, hey, your haircut, queef? No. So then I'm like, all right, you've got to tell me who this woman is.

Because I'm not looking directly and I'm looking at the children, you know. I'm trying to. I know what you mean. So she's like, it's that woman right there. And I'm like, oh, and I don't recognize her even a little bit. It doesn't put together in your head? No, because I haven't, I went through her like filmography. I haven't seen her in a thing since literally Romeo and Juliet in 1997 or whatever it was.

The beast in me is incredible. That's what you would love it. It was just telling me. It's so good. I got to watch it. I'll watch it. Verzi just said the same thing. So I'm like, okay, now I know her.

And now part of me is like, should I apologize? I interrupted her a haircut. She's a celebrity. She's a big star. I'm an asshole. Could be way to get back in. Not bad. She's in showbiz.

I'm in showbiz. Yes. Homoland. So now, my kid is like eating sand. He's like chopping his dick off because I'm just staring at Claire Dane. Being like, there she is. And I don't even have like reverence. It's not even like I've seen her in a movie.

She's just a person. But somehow now that's just a person. She's Julia. Now that I know she's a celebrity, I'm like, look at the way she moves. It's crazy. And, you know, my son's bleeding and whatever. You're just doing this to her? I'm like, so then we go back to Rosie's for the 505 appointment.

Oh, no. And I'm like, hey, sorry, we're assholes. And she's like, I could have given you the 505 when you were here. I'm like, I freaked out. I didn't know. She's like, well, that was a big star. And I'm like, well, now I know. And she's like, I was like, should I apologize?

Should I apologize to Woody? Yeah. And I thought about it. By the way, when we were getting Marty back in his scroll, I looked up and, and, oh, man, it's Mickey. Claire was right there. And I thought, hey, Claire, sorry about the haircut. But I just felt, you know, let me just let it be. Then when I talked to Rosie, I was like, oh, maybe I should have apologized because Claire was weird.

Sure. Rosie told me Claire was weird, so now I felt like an asshole. But then the haircut was the most beautiful thing. I'll show you the photos. He was perfect. He was sitting there. He's like this the whole time. They give you a lock of his hair.

They put it in like a little cocaine bag. They staple it to a certificate. It says my first haircut, March 8th. That's a little much. and sweet. And he looks like a million bucks. We bought him a tux. He's presenting at the Oscars to Claire Daines for The Beast and Me.

I love it. Good for him. That's a milestone, that haircut. It was a big milestone, but yeah, I had no idea. So, Claire Dane, something like that. I hope she sees this. We're big fans. I mean, he's not.

He'd never seen you before. Well, I'll come around. I'll watch The Beast in me. I like her. And I'm going to this Rosie's, and maybe I'll see Lindsay Lohan. You never know who's going to pop into Rosie. 90 star. By the way, the haircut lady, I don't know what do you call a lady kid's is a hairdresser?

Barber. Barbarrella? Well, she was fantastic. This is another funny moment. She did the whole haircut. She couldn't have been better. She couldn't have been sweeter. It was amazing experience.

I cried. My father's gay. And I go, what's your name? By the way? I didn't get your name. She goes, Rosie. Which is funny because you're like, all right. Well, like, she said it like, I'm like, well, I go to fucking Tony's pizza.

It's not like, hey, I'm Tony. Yeah. Like, when's the last time you were? went to a restaurant. Yes, exactly. I go to Del Frisco. It's not like, hi, I'm Steve Del Frisco. That's true. I've never met Papa John. No, or Papa Gino or any other Papa, Tom Papa. I met him.

Yeah, me too. Nice guy. She said it like, I'm Rosie, you're asshole. I'm like, I don't know. Rosie could be a billionaire who hires out, whatever. Yeah, that's crazy. But how exciting is that, to go to a place and the person whose name is the person? That's rare. Well, with New York, with these prices, you can't just open a business. be Dwayne Reed or Chase Bank. Right, or Walmart.

Yeah, which is a guy. Oh, yeah, Bobby Walmart. Sam Walton. Oh, that's right. But I'm going. I'm going. Yeah, it's good. It's good stuff.

And then you get a bravery treat. You get a little, you know, you go buy a toy, and then you leave out of there. And then... The military, ironically. You go to the playground, and then you go see a celebrity. Now, what the hell can I ask? I'm thinking Tribeca. I'm thinking Claire Daines.

I'm thinking Roe. That haircut must have been $85. I wasn't crazy. I mean, people at home are going to say that's crazy. Well, that was the other thing. It was like $45 or something. All right. Which is expensive for a two-year-old.

Of course. That she goes, all right, we'll see you in three weeks. And I'm like, I'm not get his haircut every three weeks. What are we assholes here? I can shave that thing in the bathtub. Exactly. So. Women's armpit.

And then we gave a nice tip, of course. But they put on blue, they ask what's his favorite program. They put on Blueie. They got the firetrial. Wait, do you see these photos? Your heart will melt, your tits will fall off. I can't wait. I'll get a boner.

I'm very excited. Yeah, good for old Marr. Marr. Oh, Marty. I'm named Bill Marr. Bill Marty. Yeah, all right, I'll check it out. Now, let me run this by you.

This doesn't have a cool ending. There's no celebrity, but I'm having lunch with Salacus. We pop in, we got to, we're doing a podcast that we might be drunk. Salacuse is like, I'm here early. You know how he does that? Oh, yeah. The show starts at two. I think he texts me at about 1158.

He goes, I'm early. And I go, all right, well, I'll head down there. We go to Bagel World, or one of these places. We walk in, and there's a sweet table right by the window, right by the front door, looking out into the city. So I go, we got to get that table. So we order our bagels, our bullshit, we sit down. He's at the window.

I'm facing the window. His backs to the window. A guy walks in. young guy dressed in all black and he just stares at us and he's just like this so you're us he's just going like this oh no

I know and Salkey's like can I help you and he's unfazed and I'm just staring at this guy like you start imagining okay I'll elbow him in the neck then I'll do one of these then I'll get the groin cracked him in the jaw kicked him with the balls

but Salke's doing all the talking but I'm doing all like the I'm scoping the joint out. How am I going to fight this guy? Casing the joint. That's the word. And Salikers goes, can we help you? And he's just staring. And when a guy is staring with no dialogue, it's tense.

Of course. And he goes, buddy, we don't have any money. If you want something, just ask. He's handling pretty well. And I'm like, I'm doing this shit. And the guy just keeps staring. And finally, I look at Salikus, he's going for the pepper. Oh, boy.

He's got pepper spray on him. We don't mean salt and pepper. No, no. He's a vigilante. He's a hot head. He's a street tough. Did he tell you pepper sprayed a couple guys stealing bikes? What do you think?

Of course you did. Did he tell me? He sent me a postcard. Yeah, I have a fucking full-length film from it. He has it on video. He found the security footage from the building. Of course. We put out reels.

He puts out CCTV footage of him pepper spraying black people. So this guy's staring at us, he's going for the pepper. And I go, all right, well, I guess it's going. going down. I got like a plastic knife at a joke book. And the lady behind the counter goes, sir, you have to leave. And he keeps staring. So I was like, this is going down.

And she goes, sir, you have to leave. And he goes, all right. And he leaves. Wow. That was it. But I go, what the hell was that? She goes, he comes in eight times a day and just stares at whoever's in that seat. Well, that's the thing. I think most of these folks, they're not violent, they're not crazy. They know they can

pray on people. by just staring. Yeah. Because most Tom, Dick, and Harry, visiting from Indianapolis or French lick or some other place, they just go, take my wallet, please. They go, we had our New York experience. We got robbed. We gave them the cards.

Well, when someone's staring, you want to just, it's like a fire. You want to just put it out. So you start thinking like, 20? Here's 40. Here's 60. Just go. That's how I came to blow my father. He was just looking at me after a show and I whipped it out.

Exactly. But Sally, to his credit, he's got ice in his dick because he did not flinch for a second and he was going for the spray and eventually the guy was pushed out of there but yeah well none of this will matter when we're in Austin baby oh yeah there's no cooks down there well we'll be in our cars

ah yes take an $8 lift now the one problem about my big move to Austin those lift drivers they ask you questions it's white guys it's the white guys in the south Midwest and South they want to chit-chat well hey what are you doing here

oh gosh then he always say a lie that you think this will get me out of it, but then the lie opens up a whole new conversation. You know, you go, I'm here for a wedding. Oh, family? Yes. Cousin? Sure.

Oh, good for you. A lot of family doesn't stick together. You close with your family? You're like, God damn. How did we get on this? Yeah, it's tough slidding out there. I like the New York City guys. They're on the phone like this. I love that. It's like, they talk so low, because I think they're afraid of getting like a bad rating.

Yeah. So they literally are like, and you're like this. What's that? And they're like, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. This isn't for you. I'm talking to my wife in Libya or whatever. I will say when the Labia, Libya Majora, when the cabby, though, before Uber was huge, sometimes those cabbies were too quiet.

You know, I'd get in the cab and I go, hey man, can we get to? 58th in Broadway and he would go, hmm. And you're like, is that a yes? And he's like, yes, yes, yes. And you're like, how long you think that'll take? And he just won't answer. Right. And you're like, just give me a little something.

Yeah. So I need somewhere between Midwest and Libya. Yeah. You got the, you've got it, sir. Yeah, something. You don't have to blow me like you with your dad. Just give me a little bit of an acknowledgement. Sure.

Start my life. Well, we got a wrap. I think this is one of the best episodes of all time. I mean it. Wow. I swear to go. Look at Chuck smiling here to ear. He was giggling. Yeah, a lot of giggles.

It was like the old days. Now, who, did we hit an hour? Yeah, he gave us the sick. Oh, I missed the same. Oh, yeah, big hour. One of the great hours of all time. Richard Singh. Where the hell am I going to be?

When's this come out? The fall? 23rd, I believe. 23rd, night of the 23rd. Oh, this weekend I'm at the... This is so funny. The Fort Lauderdale Improv, which is at Dania Beach, but also serves Miami. It's like, I don't know what the fuck city I'm in.

Well, it's between Lauderdale. Well, I'm going to the Miami Open and everyone all the time says Southern Florida. When are you playing Southern Florida? Whatever. Slurring Florida. Well, I'm playing there this weekend, March 26, 27, 28. Come on out. And then I'm doing a Cleveland run.

April 8th in Warren, Ohio, Warren Peace. April 9th in Toledo, Ohio. 10th and 11th in Columbus, Ohio. And then the big weekend, Providence, 16, 17, 18. that's Patriots Day weekend. And then, of course, I'm going off to the UK doing Dublin, Glasgow, London. And also before that, we have Tuesdays with stories on the 5th of May. You got that right.

May the 5th. And then the 7th of May I'm doing my own solo headlining show at the improv. So I'm at the improv twice that week. May the 5th be with you. And then, yeah, Glasgow, Dublin, Belfast, Bristol. Come on out. Hell, yeah. What a life.

What a run. What a time. We might have to talk to our agents. because we're like back to back on a couple cities. Oh, Jesus. We just said San Antonio. I just did it. I think I'm doing Dania Beach right after you.

But yeah, I'm at also Fort Lauderdale, Lexington, Kentucky, Milwaukee, Spokane, and a lot of new dates added. Raleigh, Chattanooga, Providence, Rhode Island. Okay. And, yeah, get on the Patreon. I'm about to do a hot gay set. No. Mosqueef TV. Musqueef TV.

We're bringing it back, baby. I haven't done one of those. in a while. So if you're not on it, you're missing out. Where you're at? Chuckie Chuck. Chuck. Chuck D. Chuck on my padcast. Wow. Padcast. I'm taking it again. Start it over.

It's like you from Chicago. I know. My girlfriend's from Chicago, and she talks just like that. Oh, maybe he just caught in there. Dan Aykroyd. Check out my podcasts, fun bearable. A lot of fun because when the Tuesdays come over, they just leave the comments that are like rainbow. Oh, yeah. My father's gay.

That's sweet. Cweef. It's all pipes. Come join it. It's fun. Funbearable. pod.com. And yeah, and if you got any extra cash, we're doing a very special project. I forgot you were promoting. I thought you were just talking to us. I mean, we'd give you a lot of cash, Jeff. No.

You know, we're doing a very special project. A lot of contributors, and a lot of them came from Tuesdays and we talked about it here. So find me at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter, and hit me up if you want to be part of a cool creative thing. And somebody giff that fart combo there, because that could really pop. That could really, that could be what we've been looking for for all these years. Yeah, that'll sell up the garden. All right.

Patreon, Musqueath TV, coming right up.