Tuesdays with Stories! - #650 Couch Dracula

Episode Date: April 7, 2026

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Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. We're back. Wow, we're back. What a week. What a time. What a hoot. What a tail. Yeah, it's been a crazy wackadoo time out there.

I feel like I've been home in six years. What did I miss in the big app? I don't know. Anything? What did I do? Well, I did seller spots for the first time since 1985. It's fun. That was exciting.

Yeah, I saw SD. You know, you're nervous to see SD. It's like an 85-year-old woman. Is really. And I'm like pacing outside. Like, oh my God, hello, Estia. Hi, Esty. How are you, Esty?

Oh, that's too much. Pull it back. Cool. I'm like listening to the fucking gun of fly now and Ia the tiger doing push-ups. Here we go. I know. And it's not just, hello, it's sit here, chat with me for in order an amount of time. Well, so I'm terrified.

And of course, in your mind, you know, Esty's at home checking the stand lineups. Looking at your 401K, reading your Wikipedia. Watching your clips, downvoting. Yeah. So you're like, oh, my God, this is it. I've been at the stand for a year. I haven't put it in. And you walk in, you're like, who's going to be there?

I don't even know. I'm looking at the lineup. I'm like, I've never heard of this kid. I've never seen this guy. I don't know. This race. This is crazy. Sure.

I go in, she's like, hello, it's so good to see you. You look great. She touched my arm. She touched my leg. She said, you look great. She's like, I'm always so happy to see you put a veil. in, finally. Don't be a stranger. My father's gay. I love it. She listens to the show. You're like,

what are, what are you, what am I doing? And then Quinn is there. Hey! Which was fun. We got into it over one battle after another, but it was fun. Not a fan? Oh, he hated it. Hated it is a strong word. Hated it. Wow. Well, at least you get a debate going. He hated it. Yeah, we had a good time. We all hated it. And who else is there? You see a bunch of fun people and you get to watch comedy. It's great. And I ran over to the VU. then did the fat black, and then McDougal Street. That McDougal Street, which said it many times, many ways, like Merry Christmas.

Lunch. Meli-lick-a-lucca. Crown Jewel. The best comedy room of all time, IMO, in my opinion. And that is a ticket you had the early spot of Quinn's there. Early spot, yeah. Early is money over there because they're just sober, they're smarter, they're gayer. Yeah, you just want to, you wish you could say, like, just give me that McDougal.

I know. You want to be up there, and then you're eating the wind. Of course, I had this happen, which was a fucking motherfucker of a motherfucker. Ooh, hey. I mean, small problems, nothing real. But it's a podcast. We've got to create stuff here. Yes, yes, I've known for that.

So you go, so you go, all right, let me get some way. I'm here at McDougal Street, olive tree, hit me with the wings and fries. That's all I want. Yes, Paul McCartney wings. And then you got this thing where I never care for this. Hey, there any comment about your food. I hate it. Commenting on people's food while they're eating is just the worst.

punishable by death if I were the president. Number one P. Oh, you go pepper? What do you got there? Hey, double potatoes. Oh, is that zucchini? Ugh. Thanks, dick.

It's my mouth. Who gives a shit? What if I did that with gays? Putting a dick in there? Weird. Yes, exactly. But you can do it with chicken. And so, uh, you get this.

Well, breakfast of champions, uh? And you're like, Oh, boy. I'm at a bar. I'm at a fucking nightclub bar with wings. Yeah. What if I had a, whiskey. You wouldn't go, oh, poison.

Right. But with food, but you feel like you can do it for some reason. Yeah, I don't get it. You go, yeah, yeah. So then I have to have shame. Yeah, I'm eating wings. It's unhealthy. And it gets in your head because I'm middle age. I got high blood pressure. My father's gay. So now I'm like, should I not eat the wing? Should I throw them at somebody? Nah, maxi pad with wings.

Then you have this. So you're like, you bite into that first wing. You get the sauce all over your face. Like the Joker. Here we go. And then Val goes, I just lit them. So you're like, ah, shit. All right. Nobody touched my wing. And you got all of these scoundrels around there. Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch the, who are you talking to? I feel attacked.

So I go, all right, I'll be right back. And then you go, all right, well, that's 15-minute spot, plus the minute while they're lit. That's a cold wing. Plus coming up here, and my food's getting cold. Then you come up, and you go, okay, here we go. The wings. Saturday night at the cellar. Hey, Joe, you know, you're up next at the Fat Black.

Oh, left wings. Suck me sideways. I got to run around the corner. So they go, hey, you want us to wrap that up? Yeah, put it in a bag, and the thing. and put it on last night and I slept in it. Yeah, yeah. You go to your spot, you come back 40 minutes later.

Jesus. They're all wrapped up in a bag. So you're like, I guess I'll take them home. You get home, and Sarah's like, she doesn't mean to poo poo. Pooh-po platter. She's like, how are you going to warm those up without them losing all there or whatever?

Interesting. I didn't even think about that. Because I think microwave makes some soggy mail. I looked right at Rupert. What do you think? I was just natural. I'm like, you must know. We should weigh in.

Tinfoil. Air fryer. I did air fryer, but they dried. I think maybe they got dry anyways, and they got too crispy, and they ended up losing all the sauce. Oh, I didn't do aluminum foil. So maybe that had something to do with it. Yes, yes. So it ended up being just kind of crummy.

You don't that feeling when you're just chasing that meal all that. Yes, you've got to get that meal, don't you? Well, it's similar with Mexican food. I love the bean, the cheese, the whole sloppy pico and brown beef chicken. Texas. You put that cum-guzzling box in the microwave. It comes out like an old dirty diaper. Yeah, that's a thing.

Here's the one thing people hate in the microwave, but I like in the microwave. French fry. Oh, I think we talked with this. I love a soggy fry. I want a wet French fry. Give me a lip dick. I'm with you. That's one place we agree.

These rock-hard boner fries, that's for the birds. No, I don't like a crunch. No, no. Chinese food actually can hang tight in a micro. Yeah, they always say that, but I get the general sow or so. General Tsoa, whatever the fuck it is, spicy orange chicken. CCP. And the rice, the white rice, warmed up, it gets too crunchy.

White rice on arrival is awesome. White rice later, BU. It's like white people. We come out good, but we age bad. I suppose. And we're bad in the heat. Yeah. Brown rice, they can cruise on a slave ship.

Those brown rice, they tan nice, they look nice. Wouldn't you kill to be brown? Sometimes. Like a light brown. I'm not talking, you know. They kill each other. Crazy. Well, I don't know.

Like just a crispy, I'd love to be like Louis Gomez Brown. That's a good. It's almost like a mocha or a cappuccino. Right. Not too much coffee with a little bit of milk. Not too skinny. Not too fat. Aha.

Easy. Rupert's right here. Rupert looks like a million bucks. You lose it weight, right? Whatever. Well, maybe I just. blow you up in my head. Yeah, yeah.

I think in my head you weighed 9,000 pounds, but you look pretty good. Yeah. What do you ate now? All right. That'll be a lot of weight to lose. That's true. You're a real, baby.

It's like the old Russ Beneve joke. She weighed 800 pounds and he stayed married to her. Honey, do I look fat in this? Oh, yeah. In what? The living room? Which they cut that part out of comedian. They did.

That's a good tag. And that's the tag. He goes, in what? The living room? Well, Seinfeld, obviously, had the famous joke on his first Carson. his first late-night debut where he says,

the guy weighed 2,000 pounds, he lost, what, 1,000? Something like that. Yeah, and they're like, you still weigh 1,000 pounds. So what do you say to the guy? Hey, you're a rail, baby. Yeah.

And he does the pants thing. Yeah, oh, yeah. He weighs up the old pants, and he does the swivel and the big pants. Right. Also, you're a rail baby. He's so long island to be. He still had some long island back then.

Right. Well, okay, we got a lot out of that wing. Yeah, good wing stuff. But anyways, yeah, I didn't sell it. You asked me why not you've been missing. Not much. The seller's spot, and then where did I go? I don't know.

Poughkeepsie, just regular. I don't know. I feel old because people are like, what's the hot gut? Like when I get home today, Sarah will say, what's the hot goss? Sure. I got nothing. I got no goss. Yeah, well, that's good.

No goss is good. I know Lewitt Goss and Jr. You want a little goss. Because it gives you something to chat about it and your endorphins get all, ooh-hoo, and you close the door and you jerk off. But, well, there's no goss. That kind of means everything is just copacetic. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not a big goss guy in general. Yeah, I only like Goss because I'm scared of silence. I'm scared everybody hates me. So I'm like, this will get them. Right. That's why Goss is fun. Yeah. Well, that's the old adage about you.

Once you say something, you know it's safe to tell everybody. Oh, I'll take it. Sarah had that about a gay comedian one time. She's like, I was keeping it a secret, but then I heard Mark say it. So once he said it, I just started telling everybody. Oh, all right, all right. I know who that is. Yeah, because you love to drop a bomb.

I'm Iran or Israel. I'm the town crier. I hear ye, hear you. This guy's a homo. John Cryer. Yeah. Tell me, what have you been doing? Because you've been all over the fucking road.

Well, you know, I got the baby. I'm trying to leave less. So I told the wife, hey, specials out. It's promo time, homo time. So I'm going out there for one weekend and getting it all in. So buckle up, bitch. This is the weekend. And keep a lid on it.

Keep your mouth shut. Cut that trap. Lock it up. No complaints because I'm getting it all into one weekend. All right. So I did Rogan, Dean Delray, Lauren Compton. What is it, first date?

Is Dean Delray in Austin? No, no. I went out of order. Right. Laura Compton, she's good. Yeah, what is that? First date, I believe it's called. I think that's called that.

It's our third date. I was going to say your third first date. Pregnant with a second child. Wow, these people move quick. I know. She had a huge belly. It was like three tits. Wait.

Didn't she just have a child like six weeks ago? She just had one and got wrapped up the next day and pumping one out. Irish twins. I guess so. She's got twins. See you wimpytia win. Then I did Rich Eisen. Oh, he's good.

Harland. Rich Eisen's out. Okay. Harland, Bobby Lee, Glass. Red Eye Home. Wow. In one weekend. That's fucking crazy.

Crazy. I'm fried. I'm delirited. You know when you do like nine sets in a day or whatever you do four sets in a day? And by the last one, you're like, gee-ha, woo. How are you doing backflips? Because you don't care anymore. Yes, exactly.

No inhibition at all. So the last one, I was just, yeah, flapping in the wind. Well, be careful out there. I know. You get a little freaky-dinky, loosey-goosey. So tell me what were the best ones, the worst ones, the hottest ones? excitement, other guests, anything spicy? Well, as you know, the Joe Rogues, you got to live by his sword.

So he's like, we're doing it this time on this day. And you go, yes, sir, whatever you say. You've got to get a 4 a.m. flight, fly down, take a chopper in, and then, you know, rappel down to his studio. He's my new governor. Oh, yeah, that's right. Now, what? I haven't heard a word about your Rogan appearance, so that seems good. That's good.

That's good. Because, you know, sometimes you go on Rogan, all of a sudden. you're on fucking Anderson Cooper 360 Live, which happened to me, by the way. I remember that, the white guy incident. I literally called Sarah and I was like, it went well, and there was nothing controversial, so I can breathe a sigh of relief. And then that night it was like Van Jones, Stan Van Gundy, and Martin Van Buren were all talking about me. What about Van Morrison?

He's good, too. Van down by the river. And the caravan. It's funny that van has caravan. Caravan Morrison. A minivan, yeah. How about that? But anyways, so you can just slip into it.

So it sounds like it didn't go bad. No, we had a good run. We talked a lot of comedy, which I'm sure people hate, but it keeps him at bay. Of course. And then we got it to some Nick Shirley, some Iran, some Israel. He had a whole theory that Netanyahu is dead. And I said, I don't think that's true. We would have heard that would be big news.

He's like, he's dead. I swear to God. Look at this video. It's AI. And I'm like, I think it's just a press conference. But whatever. so they're just not covering Netanyahu dies and not covering it

yeah exactly well they said he's saying that he's dead they're covering it up oh I see I see and they don't want it to know it was all cuckoo but we had a great time we yucked it up I got him drinking again oh that's good yeah I got him back on the sauce hadn't he not drank in a long time

long time you found God or he went gay something happened so he quit the booze and I showed up and he went I need a drink wow yeah so he had some bodegger cat on air. Maybe I'll bond with him over that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You drive me to drinking, buddy boy. That's something. So we had a good run and then I went out and took a nap after, which ain't easy because you got that Rogan anxiety. What did I say? What did I do? How did I look? Does Jamie

hate me? I haven't slept within five days of any Rogan appearance. Oh, it's wild. It's like seeing your parents fuck or going to nom or something. I remember the, I think the second time I did it, The first or second time. It was in LA. I remember going to, I was staying in Sherman Oaks. I took a lift back, or they gave me a ride back to Sherman Oaks. I remember walking, like, slowly up the side. It was like a drug experience.

Yes. Because it's just four hours of like, and, you know, I'm not used to make it. He makes serious eye contact. Oh, yeah. Like, he doesn't even blink. Yeah. And he's like, the fucking aliens, fuck the Jew. And you're like, ha!

That afterwards. I know. You leave that studio. and I remember I couldn't move properly. Right. I don't even think I said any words. Right. That's why between us on Protect Our Parks, I sit to the side of him.

Because I can just look at Shane's fat face and Ari's Jew mug and I'm clean. Yeah, that's not bad. Rogan's over here. So I'm like, what's that? Uh-huh, yeah. Back to you there, Gilgill. Maybe if I ever do the show again, I'll ask if I can sit sidecar. I mean, ideally, I'd take his lap.

Then we're both faces the same way. I'll go behind him like fucking, you know. Like a jet ski. Like dumb and dumber. Yeah. That's the guy swallowed a Junebug. But yeah, so we had a good time. We bonded.

I hadn't seen him in a while. He's a fun guy. We did some push-ups and cool cars. And then went out and did the creek. Did a full hour at the creek. Love that room. And, of course, we had a nice crowd sold out. Joe DeRosa popped on.

My buddy, Corbyn did a set. And then I said, who saw the special? Ha! Fuck. So I did all my new. It would have lasted about 18 minutes, and then I rift for 42 minutes. Yeah, I know that feeling. And woo doggie.

Talk about tap dancing. I mean, it was like those Westerns where they shoot your feet. And I'm like, hey-ha, whoa, whoa, hey, that was it for 42. I got those people that saw me at Grove 34 a week after I shot my special. They're still talking about it. They're putting, like, fucking, what do you call it, graffiti on the Queensboro Bridge says, List sucks live. Yeah, yeah.

It was one night. What do you want me to do? I had no material. I know. Yeah, you're fresh out, and there's a big fat clock on the wall. And I'm just like, come on, move, Jerry. It's like watching paint dry trying to get through that hour. But that creek is a hell of a room.

Great room. Put everything in there for you. It's like a rising tide lifts all boats. Mother ship is so good and takes care of you so well. Now the creek is like, We got cigars and booze, too. I like that. We got a big couch.

That's good. That's good. Yeah, yeah. Big couch. Big couch. Couch Dracula. It's like if one club gives a raise, all the clubs have to give a raise because they're like, well, now we're losing to that club. Good point.

Yeah. But it goes the other way, too. When all these cities raise their taxes, then they all raise their taxes. Right. Thanks a lot, Mom Don. Austin, Texas. By the way, you asked what's going on in New York. What did you miss?

McDonald's is now got a big brick one. wall and a big comedy seller sign. I saw the photo. I saw them putting it up. I came out of the West 4th Street Station and they put the lights on. I was there. Saturday night it wasn't there. I was there Monday morning.

It was there. Wow. Historic. The old McDonald had a farm. C-O-M-E-D-Y. I spelled comedy. Oh, that's fun. That was a leap. I like a leap. You go to 6th Avenue and West 3rd. He used to be a gnarly motherfucking McDonald's.

It was the trans fistfight and capital of the world. Gunfight, sword fight, knife fight, the most fucking hairy McDonald's in the history of America. Cockfight. Is now going to be a beautiful comedy seller. And Esty was telling me some of the detail. It's going to be a real chef's kiss, it sounds. I don't know if it's my information to share. Can you divulge?

I mean, can we get the seat number? I think it's about the size of the VU, but I heard there's going to be like a horseshoe. What do you call that? Like a, not a balcony, but a orchestra? I keep looking at Rupert. It's as smart as we think. It's like a... Mezzanine?

Mezzanine. I think it's mezzanine. Yeah. Wow. I think it's a mezzanine. So like a raised seating. Whatever mezzanine means. I don't know.

I don't know. I thought that was a type of Middle Eastern food. I think it's like a pit and a mezzanine. It's going to be... It's going to be... Cherry. Yeah. Lunch. Choice.

Okay, great. Well, we all can't wait because... There's people, Noam told me he turns away like, I don't know, 80,000 people a weekend. I heard it was 10,000 a week. Okay. That's what I heard. I upped it for fun. 80 seems high.

Yeah. Because I remember they said it and I was like, they could just do one additional show at Madison Square Garden. Well, that was it. Comedy Cellar Midtown. Wow. I just do MSG. That's crazy. It's fucking nuts.

10,000 people a week. Unreal. And talking about lifting boats. I mean, four comedy clubs popped up in that area once the cops. How many sellers started cooking? Right. It happens. So we'll see.

It should be open just in time for my big move. Yeah. There you go. Perfect timing. You don't believe me, but... I mean, I don't want to believe you. I don't want to fly to Austin to record an hour with Rupert. I'll come back up.

There's one zoo. One Austin. You're in Austin all the time. That's true. We've got to get another protect our anal on the books because Ari's gay asses is back. Oh, yeah. Are you excited about the big Ari's show or what? Oh, we got a buzz in the air.

The end is the name of the show. I don't care for the name. Yeah, yeah. A few things have been called the end. There was a movie with Seth Rogen. Uh-huh. Was the end. And then there was the door song.

This is the end. There's too much the end. I don't even get it for a TV show. But whatever. The show's coming out and this thing is going to be a whopper. That lineup is sick. I mean, he knew what he was doing. I think I got one half a millisecond of air time.

You got two milliseconds. And then Shane was front and center. Then you got Nate. Segora. Segora, Bert, and then the rest of us. No, I watch. I don't think Bert is in it. Ah, well, that helps.

I thought he was supposed to and then didn't show up. Oh. Or had to call out or something. I think you're right. I think you're right. But they got Roy Wood. They got Ali Sadiq. They got Miss Pat.

They got, uh, Soder. They got you, me, Jordan Jensen. Sarah. Sarah, the Butler. They got a, they got a... Steph Tollove. Toll of, yeah. Is Bird in it?

I thought for some reason he didn't do it. Hinchcliff? No, maybe you're right. Hinchcliffe. Pull up that trail in town, but I think something happened. Or something went on. I think you're right. I think you're right.

But it was a who's who. I remember a lot of private jets were in town for that taping. It was fucking crazy. And the venue is awesome. The sets were hot. I mean, I didn't get to see a lot. I saw mine. Obviously, Jim Brewer.

I went on with Brewer. Tollov and somebody else. It was fucking incredible. Yeah. I mean, to get Nate to come do a thing is, that's exciting. Nate, Hinchcliff. Yeah. These are all big, big to-dos.

It's a bar and burner, so you can't miss it. I mean, that's one, you see that line up, that poster. Don't miss that shit. And here's why Ari's a mensch. He's ugly, he's weird-looking, but... Potentious. He's getting all the income, because obviously the Shane show is going to do better than the... I don't want to name a name.

Yeah. They can do some math. Yeah, they'll figure it out. But he's doing a big pool, and we all get a slice of the pie and even slice. Yeah, that's pretty wild. I mean, great for me and Sarah. I'm ashamed. What's that now?

Yeah, but he doesn't even notice. You'd take 18 mil out of his pocket. He doesn't even blink a jiz, quiff. Hi, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Shopify. When you start a business, there are a lot of what-ifs. Shopify is here to help. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses.

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Now available in Canada, too. A? Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping. and a 365-day return. Quince.com last Tuesday, these are good threads. Tell them we say you. Okay, let's get back to the podcast. You did Rogan.

So I did Rogan, go do the Creek. Then, of course, you hit the bar, because you got the Rogan anxiety. So I need to flush it away. I'm scared. I'm nervous. So I hit the Mitzis. You get free drinks.

Right. So they pour heavy. I'm talking Rupert heavy. And I black out. I haven't blacked out since the 70s. Yeah, since the blackout. And so I black out, I wake up my hotel room. Stavros is next to me.

He's doing a photo shoot. I don't know what's going on. So I go, oh, my God, I've got to get my act together. I can't get out of bed. I had a 3 o'clock podcast. I called in and said, can we make it six? I can't make it. Wait, so when, I don't understand.

When were you at the bar? All night. Oh, the next day. No, after Rogan. I know, now it's the next day. Yeah, the creek. Now I slept after the, I woke up at the hotel. I forgot about the creek.

I got confused. Oh, yeah. I was thinking you left Rogan, drank, and then woke up to a PM and couldn't do a three. No, no. So the next day, you're fucked. A next day, I was so, you know, I wake, you fall asleep, but who knows, what, six, five, six a.m. Right. So I slept till one.

And then the podcast is at three with the Compton, first date. Right. And I go, I can't get myself up in two hour. I just don't have it in me. make it from 6 o'clock. And they were like, okay, no problem. So that's pretty sad that I couldn't get somewhere until 6. Yeah, that's embarrassing. How embarrassing and old and fat and decrepit of my body is, because I'm 42. You can't black out at 42 and think you're going to skate? No. So that was bad. That was embarrassing. And then that was a wake-up call. I'm like, what am I doing? I'm taking time away from the family. I'm promoting. It's my big weekend. Get your shit together. So after that, I didn't dream.

drink. So snap out of it, buddy boy. Snap out. I did a set at the mothership after first date. If you watch my first date episode, I'm still hung over and I went to the mother's, and I had a horrible pod guy, I just sucked. My brain was mush. Went and did one set at the mothership, went home, cried,

and went to bed. How was the mothership? Killer. Good hang? It was solid. It was Michael Costa. Hey! He was headlined in the weekend. He's a great egg. Funny guy, cool guy. Ryan O'Neill. Love O'Neill. O'Neill's the man. and then a couple people that kind of bounce it in and out.

That sounds like a damn fine place to live. There you go. Yeah. It's a good city. I mean, I walked that river all day. So then off to L.A. from there? Woke up, flew to L.A. I had the airport scare.

How's it going to be? Oh, God. And it goes back to my idea. We should have an airport busyness app. Well, someone just pointed this out to me. Oh, no. You can do this with LaGuardia. You can Google wait-time LaGuardia.

And I don't know if it's like this for every airport. But the day I discovered it, I looked now, they had a fucking a plane hit a fire truck. Oh, yeah. And now it's just says not available. So I'm like, what the fuck? I just discovered that you can do this. So I don't know if every airport has that, but LaGuardia has it now. And I just Google LaGuardia.

How busy are we talking? It's a dude, put it in Google LaGuardia TSA and it takes you to the website. Whoa. LaGuardia T.S. Pull that up, Rupa. Yeah. Pull it up. Because, yeah, it was Matt Wayne showed it to me.

And you're right. It makes sense. And then there's a study. I was just listening to this thing, some psychological thing, that people would, because you remember in New York not that long ago, they didn't have the wait times. And now they do it every single station. Yeah, six minutes, ten minutes. And they did some studies, and they realized people would rather wait 15 minutes and know about it than not wait two minutes and not know about it. I heard the whole exact thing.

Because it's the same with Google Maps. It's so nice. that drove for so long without it. Yes, yes. Especially because I drive all the time in the Northeast Corridor, like from Boston and New York, a million times, a million billion times. You'd hit, be flying, you hit a red, you got up to red light, whatever they fuck you call it. Traffic.

And you're like, is this the rest of my day, or is this a half hour? Exactly. The not knowing drives you nuts. Now you go, oh, 18 minute backup. That sucks, but I know I'll be moving in 18 minutes. What took us? Nice, good, squeaker. What took us so long to figure that out? Because even in LaGuard, They have, you go on a terminal 30, that's six minute walks. They have a little white guy doing that shit.

And then what about the subway? Remember you go down to the subway? You go, hey, who the fuck knows? I could be down here nine hours. I could be down here five seconds. Yeah, there's something about 21 minutes because it allows you to mentally be like, all right, I'll pull up a YouTube video that's 18 minutes. Exactly.

But I think the technology took a while, GPS and shit. Sure, sure. But I heard the similar psychological thing. They call it the rat bucket study. Rat bucket. They threw a rat into a bucket like a cylinder where he can't climb out. And he paddled in the water, you know, freaking out for 50 minutes, then he would drown. This is 60s.

So you could do this shit back then. Absolutely. I think you'd still do anything you want to a rat. Yeah, I guess you're right. They test hairspray and fucking McDonald's on rats. Good. That's a good-looking rats like my ex. Hairspray and McDonald's.

Okay. So then they put a rat, clunked him into the bucket, and the rats flip it out. They get him to about 14 minutes before he dies. Take him out. Let him dry off. Let him regroup for like two minutes. Then they put his ass back in. Now he knows, oh, he'll save me.

If I keep peddling. Guess how long he stayed in, peddling? 22 minutes. 60 hours. What? It was something like that. Wait, so. Wait, whoa.

Is that my cat out there? Is that Greg? That's the thing that is. Oh, jeez. How did I leave the door open? I don't know how I left the door open. Maybe I was too excited? Jesus, Christ, twice.

Like, wide open? I mean, it was a jar. Is there a trick to closing it? Yeah, you gotta just latch it, I guess. Oh, geez, I feel terrible. I didn't know, uh... Oh, God, good eye. I thought there was somebody who went to rape us.

I wish. That would have been easier. Woof. Boy, I would have killed myself. Even the cat was like, damn, this is crazy out of it. It's a fucked up neighborhood. Yeah, he's like, this is where we chose to live. I know.

I'm going to Austin. He was trying to get to Austin. How did I not close the door? I don't know. It's a flimsy door. Is it flims? Because I feel like I wouldn't just walk in and not attempt to close it. Maybe you didn't want to have tried to, I must have done a half-ass.

Yeah, there you go. Maybe. And maybe a wind gust kept it from something. Closing. Because I never just walk indoors, like, who, I know. I'm here. You're aware. But, well, I feel terrible.

Boy, if that cat disappeared right then, I would have had to commit suicide. I would have moved to Texas. Yeah, maybe that was the point. Either way. Okay, I don't know what the hell. What do we got on TSA? They suspended that service because of the funding bullshit. Oh, geez.

Well, now I've got to do the app. Call me some nerd with tech bullshit experience. Somebody can do this, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. But how would you have to go to the airport and go, all right, all right, okay. Like, someone would have to be there, right? I think it's all computers. I think lasers do that shit.

Jewish-based lasers. If it feels, whatever, I don't know. You just get the information. But I feel like someone will do it that's better than you. Like a guy, like Elon Musk or the other guy. Well, I'll be Steve Jobs and go, hey, I'm eating an apple. That's not good. Do it again, nerd.

You play the orchestra. Yes. They play the fiddle and you play the orchestra. You're the conductor. Yes. Yes, I'll conduct, take all the credit and the money. and then they figure it out. And leave your kid.

Thank you. He did that? I think so. Yeah. But he walked around barefoot and meditated, so that was cool. He had some problems at Jobby. Yeah. They're taking our job.

So, uh, went to L.A. L.A., man, it is. It's a beautiful thing. I love L.A. You know, I mean, I'm well, well, whatever, well documented by love for L.A. Just that weather is bananas. And I got out. I took an Uber to my hotel

And just, you know, they got the Uber shuttle I don't know about the Uber Shuddle. Oh, you got to take the shuttle to the Uber land. Which is hell on earth. I'd rather be waterboarded than take the shuttle to the Uber. So what I do is I just walk to the Uber area. And it's like five minute walk. Nice little hack.

What? No, that's longer than five minutes. Well, it depends on what terminal you're at. Oh, oh, right, right. It's like, I got on a bus. The guy goes, it's right there. And I go, oh, because he was like smoking or eating a bag of a bag of chips. I just got out of the bus and walked there.

Oh, that's my because I've had the same thought. Yeah. On the bus, it feels long because it's wippy, but maybe it says all the red lights and the pickups. There you go. So walk over, get an Uber, get to that on-daz, you check in. And I got to tell you, I don't want to toot my own dick, cheese, but. Please do. I'll be the top ten on Netflix.

I walk into the Ondaz. The hotel guy goes, whoa, shit. Look at this guy. Whoa, what do you want to, you want a top shelf king suite? Here's an ice cream bar and a paddle of dick. Now, for those folks who don't know, what the hell is an Andaz? That's one of these snazzy hotels. Right on Sunset Boulevard.

It's the one next to the store. Oh. You're at the store right on the patio. It's right there. Okay. Ondaz. On does. I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about.

I thought that was a car. A-F-D-S-Z. On-D-S. It's got a pool on the roof. I mean, you look down on a sunset. You can see the Led Zeppelin, the Tits. What do you call that? The Stone Pony.

No. No, that's Asbury Park. What's that? The Riot House, the Continental Hyatt House. Oh, Rainbow. Rainbow Room. The old Rainbow Bar. What was the one that Johnny Depp died in?

Viper Room. Viper, yes, yes, the Viper. That was Joaquin Phoenix's brother. River. That's the one. Yeah, Mississippi. So, yeah, I just had a great time. Then I just buckled up and did a bunch of pods at the store and the improv every night.

And then I was there for Monday. because everybody's on the road. Right. And Rich Eisen's a shoot on the weekend. He's a working man. Right. So I just got there Sunday, did some fun stuff, and then Monday I woke up,

me, me, me, me, 7 a.m. Two eggs, push-ups, shaved, and I just got out there. It was good? It was great. You know, Rich Eisen's like, it's like a real shoot. Does makeup, a hair lady?

And I was sitting in there with the lady, they give you like a handler, Chelsea Handler, and I go, okay, what do we do? Like an hour, an hour and a half? She's like, six minutes. I was like, what? Oh, six minutes.

I came all the way here for, it was like an hour drive. Seriously? She's like, yeah, yeah, it's like six minutes. It's a segment. I was like, it's like morning TV. Oh, so when I see clips of Larry David on there, is he doing six minutes?

Larry David might get eight. Are you serious? That's what I said. I was like, what do we talk about? I know I can talk movies, I can talk comedy, New Orleans, New York, whatever. And she was like, oh, that's a lot of stuff. And I'm like, well, what do you want to talk about?

She's like, we'll talk about your special. I'm like, the whole time? She's like, it's six minutes, you retard. So I was like, oh, okay. No shit. Wow. Yeah, but hair, makeup, everything for six minutes. The food spread, coffee.

I mean, it's funded. That's one of the weird things about life now, man. It's like we're so living in clips. Yes. I don't have any idea what anything is. I've seen a million bazillion. bazillion clips of, and now my algorithms all just Rick Rubin's sitting

Indian style with his hair a kerfuffle. Yeah, he looks like an I-a-toler. He's just talking and half the time, I click on it, I'm like, who's he talking to? What is this? Right, right. Where is he? I don't know what's what. That'd be great to cut to just Rupert. And I've just, yeah, I've just never, I don't know whose show lasts what amount

of time. I've seen every clip of every show, but I've never seen the show. Same. I've seen Seinfeld on Eisen, Larry David on Eisen. You get like Jeff Daniels talking about dumb and dumber, but it's all just snippets. It's all clips, and we have no context for anything. Zero con. It's fucking wild.

It's wild, but it felt like morning TV where you tell a joke and you hear the crew laugh, you know, and there's big lights in front of you. And it's a real job. This big frame pictures of him with Arnold, him with Bruce Springsteen, hit with Obama, whatever it is. I would like to have, I want to have a room like that. I know. And my new house with just big apple pie.

My whole life just You got some bangers too I got some great stuff But now I have this tiny ass apartment It never made it I need a man cave Texas you could really cave it up Well I'm gonna Nick cave it in Texas

Come down anytime visit move Yeah there you go Ben Lodd was in a cave Yeah we got him He had the ultimate man cave I guess so I think he had a few caves going He was all over the place

Well he caved But yeah So did Rich I And I planned for like an hour to half. So you get out of there and you're like, I got like three hours to kill. That's beautiful, though. Nothing better. It is.

Yeah, I went to a taco stand and just sat in the sun on a picnic table and ate tacos with salsa and like a soda. It was great. Burgess tacos and donuts. L.A. baby. L.A. So then a high-tail to Harlan Williams house. He lives in the Hollywood Hills. I mean, he lives up where like Jackson Brown lived with Janice Joplin.

I mean, it's so crazy that Laurel. Canyon bullshit. Love it. It is unbelievable. I mean, I hate to need a cup of milk over there because you got to go you got to go down like a crazy winding road to just get a sugar. But, man, that was, he's got the biggest view. He's got a pool right there with the view of the infinity pool.

Where did all his money come from? Dumb and dumber? Dumb and dumber. Rocket man, half-baked. What else? See, he had a good run for a second. God, is he funny? Man, he's quick.

Yeah, I mean, you talk about clips. I've said it before. His clips on Rogan are the funniest thing. The hardest I've laughed the last five years are him fucking with Rogan. It's the greatest thing of all time. He is incredible. And he's having like a resurgence, I feel like, because of the clips. So people get to meet him again because he's getting old, Jerry. Right.

Those Oreos. But he's just still so funny. He's got the podcast. I walk in. He's like, oh, you missed Will Ferrell. I'm like, what? Will Farrell was here. He's like, yeah, we were just cutting up.

Is he kidding? Because he's silly. No, no. He's a silly Jerry, but he showed me a clip of him and Will Ferrell. Wow. Because that's what I like about him. He's so dang silly. Yeah, he is.

He's great. Yeah, 6-2, I'd say. Yeah, which I get all the time. I don't know what is going on on this show, on the cameras, with my life. Every person, I do a meet and greet, 300 people all over the country. Every week, people go, what the hell is this? I thought you were 5'4. I thought you were 5, 6.

I thought you weighed 112 pounds. It's nuts. Yeah, I get the opposite. I got the opposite. I thought you'd be taller. Yeah, well, I'm tall and I don't know what to say. You're tall. You're a string bean. What do you call that? A limber. Lanky.

Stretch Armstrong. I'm stretched out, baby. Yeah, I'm taller than you. If you're watching this, I'm taller than you are. I did. I crunch the numbers. Try to guess what percentage of the world is less than 6.1. What percentage of the world?

The world. The world. That includes Pygmies, Mexicans, Samoan. I mean, it's got to be 92% or something like that. You're talking children and women? I guess men, sorry.

Oh, man. Okay, because women and children, it's got to be, yeah. Well, children, I'm talking adults. I'm talking adults. Okay, adults. Sorry. Let me do a quick little bit of figuring here. So we're down to just adults.

Adult male. Adult male. Adult contempt. Gotta still be 75%. 82. Wow. So you have taller than 82%. percent of the world.

You're goddamn right I am. So how about that? What are you, Rup 5-8? Nailed it. Are you really? I've never seen you standing before. Oh, wow. So what are you?

5-10. Okay. So, boy, I just killed me that even six. You just want to be a nice January 6th. Well, you get some lifts or, you know, yeah, heels. Heels are good. Some guys get the surgery where they add like a couple inches to the calf. You're kidding.

That's out there. That's not a surgery. Really? He's heard of it. He thought about doing it. But they couldn't take the weight. Cab, you have to go in and get the bone. They cut in and get the bone?

Well, they do bone stuff. Trans go, they can do the shaving. I know, but how do they stretch the muscle and the bones and the tendons and the skin? You had stuff in. What are you crazy? I've never heard of this in my life. I'm not doing it, but it's out there. Why wouldn't an NBA player go, hey, make me seven-five?

I don't think you can play on it professionally. If you're 6-6 and shooting the lights out and got some handles, Yeah. Why not go 610? Now you're dominating. It'll crack under pressure. Those guys are out there. All day long doing dunks and shit.

I'm talking to the common man. That ain't street legal. So do you limp? Do you just... Nah, you figure it out. Do you walk like me after Rogan? Because I mean, I can't imagine that surgery. You've got to put muscle and blood and veins, Jerry veins.

They're modern. They're mad scientists out there. They're modern. I don't know. Rupert's saying yes, but I think this is crazy. Give it a goog. Wouldn't it be easy to be easy to be. make the head taller?

Oh, like a cone. Put some cone head up there. That's not bad. Because then you can just add space. Mass, yeah. Yeah, if I put a hat on, I'm up three inches taller. Like a cowboy hat? Forget about it.

A half hour in this river and I'm a full inch taller. What do you got there, Rupert? It's called leg lengthening surgery. Thank you. Leg lengthening. LLS. Well, not that I didn't believe you. I'm just blown away here.

Six to 12-month recovery, and you can go up three to six inches. What? Six inches! I can be six eight next year. Oh, my God. Wow. What's that run you?

I mean, I could be six ten. No pun intended. Yeah, you can be six ten. You don't want to be six ten. If I'm six ten in one year, I think I can make an NBA team. Well, you're getting old, Jerry. I know, but I can come off the bench. Six ten.

I can just swat balls away. You see that white guy who's seven eight? Oh, in the tournament. Yeah, and all the black guys are going, what the fuck is this shit? It's funky as hell. They showed a video that's a guy who's 6-8. I saw that. It looked like a toddler.

It looked like me and Veter having a conversation. Right. What is it? It's between 70,000 and 150,000 in the U.S. I'll make that in the NBA. That's true. Yeah, merch alone. League minimum's got to be whatever.

Yeah, WNBA you'll make that barely. I could get that surgery too. Go lower. Chop my dick off. Give me eight inches. Stick a pussy in my ass. Now we're getting that. somewhere. I'll play for the sparks or whoever

they are. The Seattle Storm, you'll clean up. Yeah, the fruit cups, whatever they're called. And you can pretend to be a les. You'll scissor or your night away. Oh, my God. You'll be in the locker room, Jerry. Killed to be a lesbian. Woo-wee! Locker room, you're licking snizz. By the way, all that Claire Dane's talk,

we started watching The Beast in Me. Have you watched that show? Amazing. That's a heck of a program. I still got one episode left, so don't tell me nothing. It's a fun program. I had to finish it all in one sitting. It was so gripping. Very fun. But by the way, this is one of my great skills. I can pick out

a British actor pretending to be American. Oh, is that right? And it turns out of the guy that plays his wife is Australian, but it took me so far into the episode if you watched episode six, I think it was, or seven.

The cute blonde? Not the cute blonde. She looks like Jamie Lee. Oh, I can see it. Very much like Jamie Lee. But, no, his wife that he killed. Well, I think that's in the first episode.

The wife that he killed. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's Australian. There's like five different lines. where she just sounds full Australian in the middle of the episode. I'm like, what the fuck? She's like, stop asking me that question.

You're asking me questions. Oh, wow. I was like, is this? What the fuck is this? Yeah, because this is full British. That'll fool you. Like a house, the guy who does house? House.

He's a big limey. Hugh Lorry. But by the way, the main guy, I said, British. I got 300 people are going to say. British, Australian, all the same horseshit. Yeah, yeah. I'll be in London, Australia in May.

There you go. Top of the morning to you. put a shrimp on the Barbie. That guy, the guy in there, he's Welch, but I never picked that one out because he's good. He's good. I got no sniff of his welchiness. He's a weird-looking cat, huh? Very strange.

His face is off-putting, but he's a good actor. Yeah, he's nice and sinister. But like every TV show, there is some horrible performances in there. Oh, really? Oh, I think so. You ever see the girl do Danes going viral? She went crazy viral doing Claire Danes. Because it's all breath.

Oh, Sarah told me. famous that. She does a chin quiverer thing. Yes, yes. Yeah, I love a quiver. Yeah. Robin Quivers. Well, she won't cut your kid's hair for the life of you. No, no, that's for sure. She's American, huh? Dainzy? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, yeah. But yeah, great. Whoever wrote that is doing something good. Yeah, they had a lot of stuff. I can't imagine. I don't understand these people that write stuff that have like nine plots going. Yes. So many layers. I'm like, all right, there's a guy. He doesn't like his parents. There's your film. That's the 4th of July.

This is like this lady's fucking that guy, that guy, you know, lost his dick in the war. And he went to the war because his mother was gay and his father's whatever, has termites. Right, right. It's just unbelievable. She wrote a book, but she's a lesbian, but she's hiding it, and he's got a gun. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, it's impressive. Very good show.

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their entire order by using Code Tuesdays at cheershealth.com. Just head to Cheers Health and you use code Tuesdays for 20% off. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them you who are sent by Tuesdays with stories. Cheers. Absolutely. So tell me about Harland. So Harlan was just killer.

I mean, you think we tap-danned, this guy is like, you know, he's 78 years old. So he's just been doing this for so long. And he's just on another level where you're like, all right. Can we get a break? Can I get a water? and a juice, you know. He's just so quick and weird and funky. And then you leave there, you go, oh, then you go to do Bobby Lee.

And then Bobby Lee's like, how you doing, man? I'm like, oh, I'm good. You got a problem? Oh, boy. You want to fight me? You hate Koreans? And I go, what the hell I just got out here? Jesus Christ.

So everybody's got a different flavor. Then you go to Rick Glassman. He's like Harlan, but Jewie. Right. You know, he's like, boy, vague, wordplay. The words don't play. They're words. How can they play with each other?

So then I leave there, and he goes, I'm getting you a car to the airport. So I went right to the airport. I got to the airport. I got to the airport. I took a X, a sleeping pill, and I flew home. Nice. I actually slept. It was a five-hour flight.

I slept four hours, which is pretty good. Wow. I put it on last night, and I slept in it. Yeah, and I got here. I said hi to the baby. I took another nap, and then we're potting. Oh, so this is yesterday? Yeah.

I'm so confused by all the days and the years and the months. Well, I wanted to get back yesterday, but no one's there on Sunday. Right, right. So I just kind of wasted a day, but I had to kill that day to get to the Monday. Yeah, but then you got a little relaxation. It's just fun to be in L.A. L.A. is fun. All these warm places.

It's beautiful. I mean, I'm dying out here. I know. I went to Dean Del Reza, and you're jealous. You're like, I got a wife, a kid. I live in a nice place in New York City. And then you go to Dean Del Rey's place at Los Feet. is he's got a view of Griffith Park

at the observatories right out of his house he's got all these cool records on the wall you want to see my Porsche I go yeah he goes all right it's next to the pool I go pool and he goes I got two saunas in here here's my Porsche here's my G wagon here's my hooker my bitch my mate my fag

whatever it is well that's like Brett Ernst has like one of the great jokes of all time about the it's like HG TV he's watching HGTV and the guy's in like a fucking nine bedroom three bathroom he's like, what do you do? He's like, I'm a manager at Fuddruckers. It's like something like that. It's fucking hilarious. He works at Hot Topic. He's like, this is my water slide. I know.

We've fucked ourselves here. We painted ourselves in a corner. I told you, I talked to my financial guy, my investment guy. Yes, Brooks. Which, by the way, oh, I don't know if I ever said this. I found the check. The check was, I think I told that. Check story. Well, I went on RU Garbage. I took all my saving. Every dollar I had, I wrote it on a fucking check, put it in an envelope. and stuck it in a mailbox. It got lost in the U.S. mail for like a month. What? And I talked about it,

Are You Garbage? Because I was like, oh, 100% of my money's gone. Isn't that funny, huh? You know, you're like me. We're comedians. You try to make everything a yuck. You make everything yuck, but a lot of it's based in truth. So I told this story, and they're like, what's wrong with you?

And I, of course, everybody. And I love the podcast fan. We love the fans. But some of you guys are drama queens. Yeah, yeah. Know it all's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got 300 email.

You put a check in the mail, you piece of shit. What are you crazy? You never got to see your money. This guy's fucking new. I know, I know. And I'm like, well, it's a check made out to me. Like, you can't cash it. Yeah, that's true.

Another Joe List finds it. There's bank fraud and all that stuff. Sure, sure. It happens. But you're like, it's not the craziest. It's not cash. It's like I put $9,000 in cash in a fucking birthday card. Right.

And then I got a million people being like, call the FBI. I'm not kidding. Call the FBI. Report this guy. Here's what he did. He has your money. He took it out. He's halfway to Mexico. And I'm like, I've been working with this man for 11 years. Yes. He really slow played me for whatever. Not that much money in the grand scheme. It's not $40 million. Right, right. It's so funny. And they do it. When I had that leak in the basement, I got a leak in the base. Some guy came in and he gave me like a quote for $10.000. I felt crazy. So then everybody's like, I'll come over right now.

I'll get some duct tape, some hot glue and a piece of gum. I will fix that for 1099. Don't listen to that crook. He's trying to fuck you and your wife right in the ass. And I'm like, okay, okay, it's a leak. Well, I've had this too with the mouse. I told the mouse story that like, you got one mouse. You got nine million mice.

You got to move tomorrow. The traps aren't going to do it. The mice are going to fuck your wife. They're going to eat out your son. You're living in a mouse pad over there. It's an infestation. Then I kill the mouse. never seen a mouse yet

It's just gone I'm like where did mouse two three four and five million go exactly exactly and there's a million other examples Audi's another one I mentioned I rented an Audi I'm getting an Audi

I mean 80 people you buy an Audi you're a piece of shit I'll never listen to the show again Audi's burst into flames Audi's fuck your parents and then I'm walking I'm not going to buy an Audi I was just fucking saying a thing

on a podcast but also I'm like I walk around my neighborhood, it's fucking Audi dealership. Everyone's got an Audi. I'm like, so all these people, their lives are just trashed and ruined. They can't get anywhere. Right. It's rich, successful people

with a guy with a suit on driving one. They drive by, they honk and they wave. Exactly. Meanwhile, I'm in a centra. I hit 70 miles an hour. I'm like, blibbleble. Blu. That's true. Meanwhile, I'm drinking a drive and they're like, funny stuff, man. I'm like, I'm hitting fucking Girl Scouts

and teachers. And they're like, that's hilarious. But it's the same thing to like, the fucking, my Transmission. What are you crazy? You took it to a dealership. They're going to fuck your mother in the ass. And then the dealership's like, oh, you've got a 2018.

We'll just cover this. Right, right. I'm like, do they feel silly at all? No, no, they like it. They gives them a purpose. They go, I'm going to change this guy's life and tell him what's what and save his day. But the best. I mean, literally had people be like, you've got to call the FBI today.

Like, this guy took your money. And I'm like, I know what his face looks like. He has a website. Like, I've talked to him in the phone. Exactly. Like the idea of just building a relationship for a decade, and you use them, and I'll use them. You got me in. You screwed me.

And then they're like, fucking, you're paying a guy, you fucking return, go to a rocket mortgage or whatever. I'm like, well, my money's gone up 175%. Is it going up? Well, not right the second. There's a couple of wars going on. I ran. Well, the nice thing is about, you know, you know who, not to get too political, but you know who, he's obsessed with Wall Street. So any time it starts dipping because he fucks up, he's like, he tweets up.

Never mind. Yeah, yeah. He gets his back up again. So he's kicking ass in that area, I guess. When he leaves, should we pull out? No, it always goes up. Okay. That's the thing.

Okay. It always goes. It drops. It goes up. COVID, it fucking dropped. And then 9-11, and it dropped. And then the 80s, it dropped. It all goes right back up.

All right. All right. So we'll keep it in. But then you can't take it with you, they say. So when do we pull that shit out of there? I don't have enough to, I don't have like, can't take it with you money. I have like just enough to be like, whoo, might be able to buy a house one day. Okay, but like 30 years.

Yeah. You might as well spend it all and live. I guess you can give it to your kids. You have a son, yeah. But I think my eight years, money might not even be money. It's going to be all space coins or whatever. I know, I know. It's going to be Rupert bucks or something.

Well, I think in a few years, you want a private jet. You just go, and a private jet just shoot. out of your mother's ass. Oh, a 3D printer, we call that. Yeah, it's going to be all gay eye. I think you just want for nothing. New pair of sneakers. Like, Andy Griffin doesn't need to ask the club. He can just, whoa. Well, teleporting would really help our lives out. I'd love a teleport. Because just the, I have a theory that teleport is going to be a thing, but it's going to hurt you. So every time you do it, you got to make a choice. Like, do I want to like take a year off my life and teleport? It's almost going to be like, uh, it's almost going to be like, uh, uh,

What's another example of something that takes years off of your life or hurts you? Cigarettes. Yeah, but that's pretty gradual. Diet. Yeah, there you go. Hey, that's good. It's got the word die right in there. I'm joking.

Yeah, that could be something. Yeah. That's good. Are you using that? No, take it. Die is in diet. Yeah. How about that?

Now, how about this? Let me run this by you. Please. Yesterday, I bounced bits with Sam because I told him I'm moving. So now he's really trying to hold on to me. He's like, let's talk tomorrow. Let's go water sledding. Let's go water sledding.

Running bits. That'll keep you around. Yeah, can't do that over the phone. No, no. But anyway, he's a good man. So we were bouncing bits. And then I was just ranting. And I don't want to name Nick.

Because I don't want this person to get upset because he was very funny. But I saw this young comedian. Okay, special. Do a joke about... This is the first time I've felt. And Sam was like, I don't know if this is a bit, but you got to say it on a podcast because it's funny and interesting. Are you guys together on the front?

phone. We're on the phone. Okay. So I saw a comic. He was like 25 years old. He was doing some 9-11 bid. He was like, yeah, because the fucking plane bombed the planes, boom, 9-11. And I feel like an old man, because I was in the back, like, who the fuck is this kid? I'm like this. I was there, man. Right. Like these young kids are making fun of 9-11. I'm like, they fucking 3,000 people burned to death. Whoa, you're that guy. Jumping out of buildings. Well, not, I'm not really up. I didn't yell at them. But I had the moment of like, what are you crazy? Oh, interesting. It's not funny. Interesting. The tides are turning. So it's like a funny feeling to have that thought of like, who's this guy to be making fun of you weren't even there. Right. And we were laughing because

I was like, I remember seeing comedians when I was starting being like, you talk about Vietnam? My best buddy died. And you're like, all right, boomer, shut up. Right, right. You're like, I think this is my, this is my feeling. You had to have been at least 12. 9-11 happened to be making jokes. 12. All right, all right. So no Holocaust jokes for me? Ah, you can do a Holocaust.

All right. You're a professional. Well, also, it's been long enough. 9-11's still kind of smoldering. Well, there's a new building there. I live there. No smolder. I'm strollering around.

Is it 30 years? 2025. This will be 25. Wow, quarter of a century. Okay. I mean, and again, I'm going to get 300 emails being like, Oh, you make pedophile. I'm not really upset.

But I had the thought. It is funny to hear, like, a young person be like, because of 9-11. Right. You're like, whoa. Well, not to get too. People are jumping off a building, brother. Right. That's interesting.

You had that feeling. Yeah. Well, not to get too quefy, but did you see that point that somebody tweeted the LaGuardia plane hit the fire truck? Uh-huh. Did you see the picture of the plane? It was fucking torn to shreds from hitting a truck. And then some guy goes,

Look at this photo, and you mean to tell me a plane can go through a twin tower? Well, the plane was going 500 miles an hour. That's a good point. This guy was going like 60 miles an hour. He was on the ground. He was trying to land. Yeah, this guy had already landed. Yeah, that's true.

He was just like cruising. Well, the guy's point was that look how destroyed this plane is from hitting a truck. Right. You're talking about a skyscraper with steel beams and cement and pipes and wires? Yeah. Well, I think it was going 500 miles an hour. It was a lot of glass. That's true.

A lot of glass. Mostly glass. Rick Glassman. I got to get a due algorithm. It was Rick Glass, man. But I also remember talking about this when I went to Auschwitz. I was walking around Auschwitz. I remember saying distinctly thinking, nobody should make a joke about this ever.

Yeah, I get that. This is fucking nuts. It's nuts that anyone's even alluding to this humorous way. But then you fly home in like two weeks past and you're like, Bob, I got a good one. I got a good one. I got another. How do you pick up a girl at Auschwitz with a fucking vacuum cleaner?

It's like it comes back. It's that distance plus time or whatever. How do you get a thousand Jews in a car? Put him in the ashtray. Whoa. That was one. But I do remember Daniel Tosh came to New Orleans in like 2008 or nine. And he goes, oh, Katrina, this city could use a good bath.

Oh, Apollo had the same joke. Oh, geez. Before that, too. Oh, boy. Well, the crowd. It's a good douching. Oh, okay. Well, the crowd went like.

Oh, hi-hoo. I remember sitting in the back like, damn, that was harsh, but I also, it was like you. It hurt a little, but I also didn't care. Right, right. Yeah, well, it's one of those things, you're not offended, but you're like this. Wow. Wow, you used to have those moments of like, Jesus Christ, man. That was fucking horrible.

Totally, totally. Because the idea, and it's a good sign, I guess, because we're 25 years past, man. But the idea of, like, making a joke at the time was, like, crazy. Crazy, because it was so unpatriotic. It's what a patron. Used to be kind of cool. Now it ain't cool to be patriotic. Right.

Not with the youngsters. No. No, it's cooler to hate America, I think. Yeah, like, it's weird how things get like an energy around it. Like, I think because everybody hates Republicans so much that if a Republican likes something, the other side has to go, no, we hate that. So if Republicans got an American flag pin, a left-wing young guys like fuck flags. Right. God hates them.

Well, vice versa. Everything, everything just whoever does. the thing sucks. I mean, the Democrats didn't want the vaccine, and then now Trump pretends to not be the vaccine guy. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. This whole thing was vaccine. Warp speed. Yes. Yeah. Of course. And then there was one speech where he was like, I made the vaccine. This whole crowd went, boo! And he's never mentioned the vaccine since. Right. Right. He's like, I don't know, no, no, I hate the vaccine. Man, it's got to, I got to say, I was, you watch the people at the comedy seller. I

watch the people at the store. They got a nice batch over there. Comics? Yeah. Oh, I bet. Ian Edwards, I think, is so underrated. That guy has some gold. Doesn't he have like 700 million views on YouTube? Is that right? Oh, no, I'm thinking of the other guy. Who's the other guy?

That's Ari's guy. Ian Bag? Not Ian Edwards. I'm thinking of a different black guy. Ali Sadiq. Yeah, yeah. He's a storyteller. Wow, I really just confused by black guys.

That's a bad look. Well, Ian Edwards, he's more of a jokey guy, Whereas Allie is more of a story, kind of sit down. I went to prison. Let me tell you about it. Then there's Dean Edwards. Oh, yeah. He's in New York.

Right. There's two black comics, Ian Edwards and Dean Edwards. A lot of Edwards. That's tough. A lot of Edwards. Is that what you said? Edwards. Oh, geez.

Yeah, Edward, please. But, yeah, so Ian Edwards killed it. Some gold. He had some ice stuff that I'm like, you got a hot new take on ice I never heard. And then Dave Waite went up and murdered. Dave Waite's hilarious. I forgot Dave Waite was a person, yeah. Dave Wade, he's like so funny.

He perfected that kind of character, and he nailed it. It was killing. He had catch fray. It was so funny. And then I had to follow Steph Tolev. She's a fucking freight train. She's my episode of The End. Oh, my God.

She killed, like the room was shaking. She was like, and I think it was all off the dome. It was fucking impressive. Yeah, she's insane. She's like one of those home run hitters. Yes, yes. You're like... Just hitting bombs, and you're like, oh...

I gotta go on up to this with my dumb jokes about my family. Right. But, yeah, so that was a treat. I just sat and watched. And I got eight guys coming up and like, what are you watching comedy? What are you crazy? And I was like, ah, I don't live here.

I don't know. Well, it's fun. That's the only time it's... I want to watch comedy. Yeah. Is at the place. Right, right. It's like, it's either clips on Instagram like this,

which is not how comedy's supposed to be or on the back of the room. Here, here. And it's funny on New York and L.A. Like, New York, you get a slice. L.A. you get a taco. New York, you do the cellar. L.A. you do the store.

Right. New York, you take the subway. L.A. you take it over. They've got the parallels are there. Right. But it's so different. Well, this is like what I love about, this is what's hard about the stand.

The stand, there's not a place in either room to watch the show. I was at the VU. The VU has like a space to just watch the show. The seller has the hallway. The VU has the back of the room. The store you can sit the back. The stand, it's like, it's too weird to go

sit in the back of the room. No, no. It's the room, because the room is closed off, which is great for being on stage, but it's hard to watch the show. So I never watch a second at the stand. You know what I do? I go in the AV room.

Yeah, that's not bad, but then, you know, you might get, have to talk to somebody. That's true. Drink over, whatever. That's true. Yeah, yeah. That's a good point.

I've pooped. I've pooped. I got one thing. How long have been going here, by the way? I was going to cut you off in like 30 seconds. Oh, geez. Cut us off. My God.

All right. Good feeling. Wait, hold on. I had some. I wrote it down. Oh, oh, oh, this is real quick. I've got to give a... Do you know Mike Socoli, New Jersey guy from Asbury Park? Is he in Fast Times Roadmont High? No, that's Spickle. Oh, okay. Then that. Spick and span. He's hilarious. Very handsome boy from Asbury Park. He's friends with Danny Braff. Everyone's friends with Danny Braff somehow. Sure. I can't stand him. But, uh... Just kidding. I like him.

Can't see Peter. But yeah, Socoli, this guy, he opened me in Poughkeepsie at whatever. He opened me at Stress Factory. This guy's aces. He is funny as can be. Wait, wait, Pekypsey. Yeah, laugh it up. Oh, at least stress factory.

Both places. Oh, got to got to got it. But anyways, laugh it up. Got to give a shout out to Cal. The only guy, the only club in America starts early. Wow. We started the 930 show at 921. He's like, you guys ready?

Everyone's here. Wow. 921. I love that. I did. We did a full show, three-man show. The fucking show was unbelievable. Just kill central, crushy, silly fun.

Hell yeah. Sold shirts. Matt Wayne sold stickers. Meet and greet. Chat it up. Chit-chat. Boobly boobes. Mappity back.

10.59 p.m. Hey. Heading to the car. 9.30 show. We did the show and a meet and greet and left. It was 11 o'clock. That's unheard of. And then before I go on, on Saturday, he's like,

Here's your check. We don't want to keep you here. Oh. He gets it because he's like a punk rock, DIY, and a wrestling quiff. And I'm sure you sold it out. We'll cut that too. Well, you know, it's a tough market up there, Poughkeepsie. Forget about it.

But the nice thing by them, too, is they pull the tables. Oh. So you look out in the room, every seat is filled. I mean, you go in the closet. It's just a pile of empty chairs. I'm in the closet. Great Don McLean song. But, I mean, every show was awesome.

I ended up staying up there because I have all this editing to do with the Skankfest docks. I got a hotel and we just spent the day at Poughkeepsie. It was fucking great. But Mike Socoli, watch out for this guy. He's funny as the day is long. Hell yeah, that's a fun room and a nice little town. You can really get some thinking done. Yeah, I mean, it's a piece of shit town.

But we had a good time and the club rules. Great club, great staff. They get it. Did you get any editing going? A little bit. My attention span is just... Son of a bee. My attention spick and span.

Because you're watching the footage at Skank Fan. You're like, oh, this is awesome. This is hilarious. That guy reminds me of this girl. Let me look at some porn. And the next thing you know, you're like, oh, shit, I got to rewind. It's like reading a book. Yes, yes.

You're like, four pages pass, and you're like, I didn't take it any of that. I know, I know. It's the same with the doc, but the doc's going to be unbelievable. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'm working on the thing with Salakuse. He's like, we need your notes. And I'm like, okay, and I put it on, and it's me. So I can't, I go, ah, you figure it.

I know. I can't either, but they can't. You need to do it. You need to do it. You need to do it. Some of these guys have the comedic instincts of, you know. Yeah, for shoe. Chuck, yeah. Right. Chuck's great. We're only kidding. Anyway, so I'll save whatever else. And boy, it's good to have you back. It's good to be back. I missed it and, you know, don't leave. I got to soak you up before you hit the town to Cowboyville. Yeah, big old belt buckle. Well, we'll do some Zoom. Welcome back. Oh, I hate to Zoom. We did Zoom all through COVID. It was great. Well, we had a pandemic up our ass.

This is a different story. I'm going to be living in Texas with the cattle. I'll never leave. Who am I kidding? Yehah. Well, where are you going to be there, Dickless? What the hell was that? I touched something down the south.

I'll put that back. It was like a fingernail or a pub. Yikes. Where the hell am I going to be? I have no idea. The big UK tour. London. Glasgow.

London, we added a show. That's almost sold out. Let's fill that up. Bristol, UK. I don't know who can be. me to do that. That was a fuck up. Oh, boy. Glasgow's looking good. Dublin's going to sell out. Get those tickets early. Don't wait.

Dublin. I'm proud of all the Irish blood that's in me. Belfast. Dublin up. What else is going on out there? Oh, Providence Comedy Connection, April 15th or the 18th or whatever that is. Yehah! May 7th is

my improv, Hollywood Improv, May 5th is Tuesdays with stories. So get those tickets. Netflix is up. my ass. They're like, what's wrong with you? Promote this show. Oh, wow. I've sold nine tickets. And I'm like, but sometimes you're like, I got to promote March first. Yeah, of course. So make sure you get those tickets, LA. I don't come there that often. It's the improv. So fill it up. Are you going to go to the Kevin Hart roast?

I don't know. I hadn't even thought of it. It's out there, Jerry. And it's love it every bit of it. I mean, it's going to be a big, big event. Oh, maybe I'll go. Shane Gill is hosting. Yeah, that's crazy because I think he didn't do the Kevin Hart on the other world. The Brady. Yeah, he's like, ah, I'm out there. There's too much of me. Wow.

So he's waited a year. All right. Well, so there you go. I'll be in the U.K. and Los Angeles, May 7th. Oh, baby. All right. I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky.

This weekend I'm actually, oh, wait, that's over. Shit, never mind. Lexington, Kentucky, Spokane, Raleigh, Chattanooga at the Walker Theater. Fort Lauderdale. Hey! There we go. We pulled out. And, yeah, Marknermancomedy.com.

Find us on Punchup. Check out the Patreon. Patreon. Patreon is humming. Last week, we did late-night sets from Carson, and then we did a Q&A. Oh, yeah, those are great. We're about to do another one right now. So send your questions into Chuck, Chuck, and we'll see what happens.

Rupert, tell them about your podcast. Yeah, check out my podcast. It's called Reviewing History. We go through historical movies. We tell you what's real and fake in them as we talk dick and far jokes. It's fun. Check it out. Love it.

Thanks, guys. Hell yeah. All right. Thanks, boys. Watch a special.