Tuesdays with Stories! - #651 Lilo and Glitch

Episode Date: April 14, 2026

Joe has a spell, heads to Florida and gets a train ticket to puke town! The Listman ends up with a diagnosis he never could have expected!!! Mark misses out on a rawbar gift! Then Normando heads to the Lil' Rhody Laugh Riot festival and does comedy on a bus! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories -Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ -Click the link http://kalshi.com/r/TUESDAY or download the Kalshi App and use code TUESDAY to sign up and trade today! -Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off with code TUESDAYS at http://takeultra.com #UltraPouches #ad

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. It's 66 degrees outside. I got construction up my ass. I think a water main blue, Portland, Maine. Here we are. What's shaking, Fannie? Good to be here. I think it's going to get to 77 today.

Wow. Hot. Well, that's how New York does it. It's 43. You're freezing. You want to quit. You want to kill yourself. You want to move to Cleveland.

Yes, yes. And then one day you go, hey, it's Tuesday. 79. What the fuck? And then you go, what the hell? It's sweltering. I'm going to take. take my own life. We got about six weeks

of good weather here. It's like a bipolar friend. You know, you're like, hey, this guy's great. We're so fun. That one day's like, oh, I hate myself. I fucked my dad, whatever. You're like, oh, geez, go back to the other guy. I know. It's crazy out there. And then you look at the weather, this is that time of year.

You look at the weather, the seven-day forecast. And it's like 76, 69, all right. And then next Monday, 47 and snowing. And you're like, Jesus. Because you don't just want good weather. You want Good weather. Consistently. Give me all the good.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because you think, oh, this is how it is now. And then it flips on you. It's like a moody wife. Exactly. Or a bipolar friend. Uh-huh. That's a good analogy.

But anyways, yeah, it's nice out there. A little cloudy, but happy to be roaming around outside in the nice weather. I just came from Florida. And speaking of weather, I got stories that are all about weather. Wow. You've got to Florida. That's what happens. You become Jewish.

You become old. Cuban, and you talk about the weather. Well, the Cubans, I mean, I have a lot to talk about. Please. I got a long list of stuff here. Now, I know we like to riff and raff and bullshit, but I got so much. I got to get in here. Okay, okay.

Let's get in there, Freddie. I got to get it off my chest off my, my tits here. Like Nome's husband. Well, speaking of Cubans and Florida, so I did the Fort Lauderdale Improv. Have you done this room? I'm doing it in two weeks. Oh, that's right. The Dania Beach, they call it.

Whatever that means. Yes. That was my whole opening. I'm like, what the fuck town is this? Do you even know what town it is? The great thing about that club is it's three minutes from the airport. Danyabash. And it's a nice hotel and all that stuff.

All right, all right. I'm sold so far. Florida, Airport, Beach, Hotel. Now, I don't want to besmirch the comedy club. I'm going there soon. Take it easy. Well, the thing is, I guess, and I've heard multiple different things, A Florida time, Miami time.

Oh, someone said Cuban time. Cuban sandwich. This show started 85 minutes late if it was afoot. I'm talking... Oh, my God. Eighth five. The 730 started at nine. The nine...

I was like fucking guns and roses down there. Wow. And you know me. I'm a big, quefy nerd and considerate, frankly. Uh-huh. And so I'm at the club. The show's at seven. I'm there at six o'clock.

I got, you know, I'm sitting there with a chef's hat and a pair of glock goggles. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Green tea, you're a notebook, you're ready. I got my blueberries, my notebook open, and I'm sitting there with my arms folded going, I'm ready when you are. And now I have to say, the week before, maybe I talked about this on last week's episode. I can't remember anything. I did laugh it up, Poughkeepsie, our boy Cal. And we had a great weekend.

And he started the show eight minutes early. I love it. It's crazy. I mean, I talked about this already, I think. We did a fucking meet and greet and greet a girl, blew a guy, and I was out the door at 11 on a 930 show. Oh, that's a great night. So in my mind, I'm like, all right, we start on time.

And here's the thing to all the comedy clubs out there. If you start the show on time, every time, eventually people will stop coming at 940 for the 9.30. It's like a flight. You got to teach them. Yes, yes. And by the way, flights could leave eight minutes early if they were. want it because you have to be there 30 minutes early anyway. Exactly. Sometimes they do. So you go,

it's the chicken and the egg. They go, we're going to hold because not everyone's here yet. I'm like, well, no one's here because they've never shown up and had the show nuts start. Yes, bad egg. And my people, you people listening, the greatest fans in the world, by the way, and obviously it's easier

to make fun of the ones who are idiots who are like, you've got to call the FBI, your check went missing. Most of the fans are the greatest on earth. Yes. They're there early, too. Uh-huh. Now they're suffering. So they're going to suffer because, you know, Pedro Serrano is fucking... Jake Guavao here. Not coming.

Yeah. Well, this is why you're in a war, Cubes. So I love the club. The club is awesome. The staff is great. Great staff. But we're sitting there going like idiots without a piece of cake. I'm like, what is going on?

So then the 7 o'clock show on Saturday starts at 725. I see. Which I'm like a psychotically over. OCD, you know, early person. You? So I'm just like, let's go. Yeah. And you talk about the greatest clubs of all time, comedy on state.

They start on the dot. You better believe it, Fannie. And if you're not there, you miss the opening. Yeah, it's like the previews of the movies. Previews, Jerry. So the show starts, the 7 o'clock show starts at 725. We're doing the meet and greet, and the lines out the door. It's very exciting.

But now the line for the 9 p.m., they're lined up. So now the 930 I mean, they're just watching the whole meeting green. Oh, I hate that. And I'm just like, it looks so awkward. And they're standing outside like assholes. Kills the mystique, too. They're like, oh, there he is. There's that guy.

So then finally, the meet and greet ends at 9.17 p.m. The next month is supposed to start in 13 minutes. They're all outside. No chance of that. I'm like, you guys, you're killing me. Not to mention I go to bed at 11 o'clock. Ah. So I just wanted to get that off my chest.

I got plenty more to talk about. But what do you make of this? I mean, that is crazy. And I know Florida's Lucy Goosey laid back, man, it's the beach, it's MAGA, it's DeSantis. Yehah, dolphin country. But if the first show starts late, the second show is going to be way late. Now you've got upset customers. The show is worse.

It's a domino pizza effect. Domino, motherfucker. Everything just gets worse and worse and worse. And I say, now this is where I become a stickler cum-gousland Jew face. You got to punish these late comics. There's got to be a penalty. There's got to be repercussions. Hey, you're the host.

You're late? We started. Right. What are you doing here? The show is timed at this time. You're not here. Because I like a two-man. So if the host is already late, I'm already like, okay, I needed any excuse to get rid of a host.

You're done. Right. Put Matt Wayne on. Matt Wayne. Well, we had to do that Friday. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow.

We were just like, well, we got to start the show. But that's what I don't understand is like just let the audience show up and go, what the fuck? The show's half over. Right. Yeah, we started. But also, here's the other thing. And I used to say this about these Brooklyn shows. Yes.

Respectfully to the neighborhood. Every Brooklyn show, New York Comics know, would start an hour late. And I'm like, well, start, do whatever you're going to do to trick the audience. But tell me. Tell me. Don't trick me. Because now I've walked over here. I'm spending my whole night in the green room.

One trick pony. Tell me the show is starting 20 minutes late Because the hotel's 300 feet away So I could have been beating off with a bar of soap in my ass Until 720 instead of 6.50. And I canceled the other show because I thought this was going to be at 7 But now we're here at 8 so now I missed the show And I want to kill everybody.

So that was all funky butts But the club itself is awesome. Funky butts. The little area is great. So let me, can I take you through the whole thing? Do you want to get some stuff out before I go nuts? We're on the complaint train. Choo-choo-chew! Auschwitz, here I come.

I would go, there's no penalty for these comics who go like 12 minutes over, or 8 minutes over. Because now you're pushing other people out, and they don't get in trouble either. Right. So if we're doing a whole repercussion thing, I want to throw them in the mix, too. All right, I'm done.

Yeah, the over people. I never understand. And now they have the clock ticking, which they should have everywhere. They should have every comedy club. In the world. I'm staying over here. That's bad.

I can't do it today. That's funky. I've been wiping baby shit all day. I can't do an adult shit. That's funky. So every comedy club in the planet. I know. It smells like a shoe with like old cheese in it.

Oh, it smells like I ran burning. It's like a cheese foot. Cheese foot. Every club should have the clock ticking up, including clubs in the city. So then you're like, we don't even need the light. Right. Just, and then you can't light me early. Yes.

Because I go, no, no, no. I'm at 15. You could ask me to do 12. Yes. And it's visual shaming. Oh, now you're, you know, you're supposed to do 13, 14 minutes. Now you're at 21. Right.

It's right there pointing at you. Exactly. Suck it, black guy. It just makes no sense anymore. The light system should be out with, what's a system that's over now? Maybe a record player or a... Yeah, but records kind of came back.

All right, what about a landline? Yeah, yeah. How about a dial-up? A dial-up. You're out with dial-up. It's hot with dial-up internet. There should just be a clock... The stand, the seller, the whatever, the whatever.

Because even the big guys that can do as much time as they want, and they've earned it. Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Louis-Cicay. That's a different story. But they can still have a thing. But they can still have a thing going, Jesus, 90 minutes. Right. Because they lose track.

You lose track. Now, I've never been in the position in my life to be like, do as much time as you want. No, no, that's a whole other bag of hammers. But yeah, the Brea improv, it's a big room, great room, but they got a clock the size of a, like a in-and-out billboard in the back. Just big red digits. You can't miss it. It's great. Yeah, a Rupert-sized clock.

Yeah. And I can't have a shout-out, Rumors in Winnipeg. First club I ever saw with that. That was about six years ago. Shout out to Tyler. I'm coming back there next year. Great club, great guy. Great guy.

Tyler Schultz. And professional football player up there in Canada. Well, he's got the beefy shoulders on. That's a big stocky cunt. Yeah, he's a beef cake. Well, maybe he played college. I can't remember. But I think it was pro.

But that was the first club I ever saw with the clock, starts at zero and goes, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo. Yeah. And I'm not saying you've got to get a big Timeex sponsor to come. come by and zzz in the wall, get the radio alarm on the stage, too. I'll take that. But it's got to click up. I can't do the math.

I can't do the math. I can't do the 918 plus 50. I'm like 10-02. Fuck me. You feel like a pedophile. You're like, wait a minute, 17. What's legal? I'm out of here.

And here's another thing, by the way. And this happens a lot at some clubs, but a lot of independent shows. And I don't want to get too inside baseball. People give the light. I don't know why they do this. They give the light with the flashlight. which lights up the with the phone. It lights up the room.

But just the screen itself will do. Yes, it's a dark room. I see a phone go. You don't need to turn the flash. They're doing this thing. It's Morse code. And then the whole crowd is like, why is there a fucking light on all of a sudden?

It looks like a boat's coming into harbor. All right, I got it. Yeah. So no light, just a clock ticking up. I know you guys are listening. Get the clock. Okay. We got it out.

Thank you. That was a good little rant sash. We're like Dennis Miller. So I got about 350 things I got to touch on here, but I'll speed right through. Get through it. Okay, babe. Yep. You ever try to open a Capri's son?

It's hard to get into. Then Martha Stewart on some dirty sheets. That's one of his old bits. I love that. It bombed, and you had to immediately be like, that was Dennis Miller. That was his bit. That's not me. That wasn't even a pause.

That wasn't mine. Yeah, I couldn't come up with it. He stinks. Oh, man, I thought black and white was a good special. No, he was great, of course. Oh, I was really kidding. Well, he's, he's old now. He hasn't been around, and then he shit on Michelle Wolfe that time.

That was a little gay. I'm like, you're a comedian. What's wrong with you? No, he's great. I love doing Dennis Miller and a big influence on a lot of guys that I love. Quinn loved him. Yeah, absolutely. The Apollo, all this stuff.

Anywho, any fucks. Okay, all right. Back to the scheduled program. So, my age. Agent Tommy Pucciani, the pooch, you know. The pooch. Screwed the pooch. Sick the pooch on him.

He's the greatest. He booked this weekend, Fort Laude of the Improv. I hope so. To align with the Miami Open tennis event. Oh, that's a good Asian man. So I'm a big tennis homo. Homo said the F word. I corrected myself.

We're trying to improve it. It's 2026. Well, assholes are listening. So he books the weekend. So I go, okay, great. I'm going to fly down Wednesday. Matt Wayne's a big tennis guy. He's my opener.

So I go, we'll go down Wednesday. We'll check out the quarterfinals. And there's nothing better, as you know. Maybe you don't know. Maybe you don't feel the same way. But I love traveling with no show. Oh, like the night before? Yeah.

I'll go to the tennis event. We'll have no show. Being on the road with no obligation is wonderful. Oh, that's a vacation. It's a vacation. So you go, okay, we'll get there a day early. That way, if flights delayed, who cares? Right, right.

Yeah, it's very calming, very freeing. Well, here's the thing to it. and I'll let everybody in on a little bit of business. And everyone can relate to this, I think, no matter what your job is. Even if, like us, you have the funnest job of all time. You got that right. Telling jokes. We're joking around.

It's my favorite thing to do is stand-of-comedy. But when you're traveling the day of, you still have that feeling of like, I got to work tonight. Yes. I got a little looming. An unseeable but feelable air of an obligation. I got to have to shower. I'll have to get dressed. I'll have to get there in time.

I'm going to have to, you know, talk to a couple of things, do whatever. It could go horribly. It could be bad. Exactly. I got to work. Even if it's the funest, best, coolest job that we love, you're still a thing of like, I have a thing. Yes, yes. There's a thing.

Agreed. If you have nothing, you're like, I can't. Maybe I'll, maybe I'll jerk off at 8 p.m. Yeah. Maybe I'll, you know, whatever. If you go to a sporting event or another show. He's like you go catch a movie. It's on them.

You entertain me. Right. You get to sit back and bask in it. Exactly. When we have a show, it's the exact opposite. Josh Baskin. So we're going down Wednesday. We got the tennis tickets.

I bought them in advance. Nice tickets. A couple hondo, you know, big matches, exciting. You got served. But it's the whole thing of the airports. The airports are three-hour line, a five-hour line. TSA shut down. The country shut down.

Nuclear war. Right. So you have this thought of like, am I going to be able to fly? What's the flight situation? Sure. And all of that happened to happen in a place where I had two weeks off from travel. Normally, I'm flying. I know what's going on.

That worked out. But I just had two weeks. So I was like, I don't know what the airport's lost. So I'm texting people. I felt like my mother being like, what's it like at the airport? Yeah, yeah, right. What time do you get to the airport? Uh-huh.

You know my app idea that never went to fruition. Give me the airport busyness. That's huge. This would have been huge during these past two weeks, but, You know me. I don't do things. Well, I had the similar idea, and I talked about it in a special about, you should be able to see what the pool looks like at the hotel. Ah, the pool.

Well, you get a window. Well, sometimes you're lucky, but that's for jerking off. You got that right. So. I can't swim. So there's the TSA thing, so I have that going on. Is the TSA, we're going to be able to take off? What's the flight situation?

On top of that, the week before last, Sarah got hit with COVID, rocked. Whoa. And she's not a sick and plainy person. She had 105 temperature, you know, fucking, she gained 300 pounds. She was shit in blood. She was puke and cum. I mean, she was out of it. Okay.

Out of it. I mean, like, delirious, fuck, the bed was all wet. Wow. How about that? Now, so I was spared because I had it in November right before Skangfest. Bless you. So, but there's part of you that's like, am I going to get this? Is my next week going to be, am I going to have this?

Shitty feeling. So I'm asking ChatGBT, BT. If I had it in November, will I get it soon? So she gets, she's sick. So now I'm running around. So I have this feeling of, is this weekend going to happen? Yes. Am I going to get the COVID flu?

Hey, you want to see this tennis. Am I got, oh, that stinks. Yeah, sorry. Am I going to get TSAid? So I had this air of nervous. Even on a no show day. got an air. Yeah, it's got the air. All right, Air Jordan. So then

Tuesday, night before I'm leaving, all of a sudden I start to get a little sore throat. Oh, I hate it. Itchy throat. Yes, little sniffles. A couple of sneezes. I do it. So then, listen to it. Now, this is where it's going to get crazy. I got some crazy shit about to happen. All right, all right. Lay it on me. Get ready. I'm waiting. I'm looking on my way. You know, I'm

on the third story, we look out over the street. So I got the baby. I wake up in the We're looking at construction. It's all construction out there. Been there. And I bend over to, you know, grab my shoe or whatever the fuck. I stand up and the sidewalk comes up. Ah. Everything moves.

My head spins. I almost fell over. I go, what the fuck? The sidewalk shifted. The trees bent. Whoa. My dick grew. The baby farted.

What are you on acid? It felt like acid. I almost fell over. I was like, what the fuck was that? Yeah. That was crazy. Oh, no. I've never seen anything like that.

But you have a moment where you go, okay, well, that was, that was nuts. Huh. But maybe that was a glitch. Every once in a while, you get a glitch. Yeah, you get a glitch. You know, the fence looks like it's going, wow, wow, wow, or some shit.

You understand everything. I get it. Maybe you shit blood, every once in a while you get a pain where you're like, wah! Yeah, yeah. And you're like, what the fuck was that? And never happens again. Yes.

Yeah, I have had that. So you get glitchy. So I'm like, well, that was weird. The sidewalk moved. I almost fell over. Leelow and glitch. And then, by the way, we podcasted that day. So I came here.

All right. I came here after that. We podcasted. We did a couple chuckles and some hoo-haz. He came. I cleaned it up. I felt great. So I know, all right, well, I got a little sore throat.

I got a little sniffle. I got a sneeze here and there. But I'm okay. I leave. I get on the subway. I'm feeling a little foggy. Oh, no. A little fog, but nothing crazy.

And I think, I'm anxious. My anxiety is up. I don't know what it is. It's the moving to Texas. It's the moving to Cleggie. Evelyn. It's the, you know what I mean? I'm half gay. Sure. Fog of war. I got gigs. And you know what it is? I bet it's the TSA thing. I don't know what I'm in store for. Okay. So I'm like, I got some kind of fog. I'm just stressed out.

Need to meditate. Get off the subway. I'm walking home to go see my boy. I look at my phone. I look at a text, whatever. The sidewalk, whoo-oh. The tree goes, whoop. The sidewalk tilts. I fell over. I go, I go, wow. I had to grab a tree. This is. It was like two guys looking at me. Like, what's up with this guy? I just fall. In the South, we called it a spell. I had a spell.

You got spells. The Satan got me. Whoa. The spirits got me cheap. You got the vapors. I fucking fell. I had to catch a tree. I was like, whoa.

The tree was walking. The sidewalk was whipping. And I'm like, my rods and cones are screwed up. You're having an episode. I'm having a spell episode. Whoa. So I go, what the fuck? I was like, I got to call my mother.

I got to get my affairs in order. I got something's up. Oh, mama. So I start crossing the street. I live across the West Side Highway, which is a big six-lane thing. The street is tilting. I'm tilting off to the side. Is it kind of fun because you've been sober for 10 years?

Well, I'll get to that. All right, all right. So the crosswalk is doing railway. Whoa. And I go, I got to get off the streets. I'm in peril here. Whoa! Joe Peril.

So I get a home, and I'm like, I, I, I tell Sarah, I'm like, hey, I got vertigo with something. I can't get hard. Oh. Hopefully the mic picked that up because that was a low rumble. Yeah, that was, I think you... I had hard-boiled eggs. Well, you got soft-boiled asshole.

Yeah. So... It's scrambled. Hi there, folks. It's me, Joe List, with my pal, Mark Norman. We host a podcast together for 75 years. It's called Tuesdays with Stories. And this particular episode is brought to you by Blue Chewerex. gold, baby.

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Thank you. Back to the show. So I get upstairs and I'm like, I start talking to chat, GBT, and Google, I'm like, I got vertigo, what's going on here? I've seen the film. Yes, yes, good movie. I'm wacky. So I called Tex-Patrick. I got stand spots that night.

I'm like, I'm out, I'm sick, I got something wrong with me. I'm dizzy. So then I think, oh, I know what's going on. I am getting COVID. But I had tested earlier that day because we had a test laying around. She had a test. Tesla. So I did a test thinking, let me see.

Maybe I'm in the early stages. It's going to take a turn. Sure. Negative. Weird. But I'm all dizzy. Now you're scared because the sidewalk and trees fly. and flapping, it's, it'll spook you.

Well, it's spooky, but I think, well, I got a cold. Sarah's been very sick. If she wasn't sick, I would have been more scared, but I'm like, she's been dying. She's had all, she was shitting and temperature and the whole thing. So I'm like, we're living together. Yeah. I probably got what she had. And I had a sore throat.

Okay. So I'm thinking, I got a cold and some snot. Not crazy. Yep. I'm thinking, I'm a little sick. And what can happen is, you know, your sinuses, your ear, nose, and throat, it's all connected. Yeah. So I'm like, I bet my ear's a little fucked up.

Salt pipes. Exactly. So I'm like, my ear's probably fucked up. It's fucking with my balance. So I'm Googling light, cold ear, vertigo. Text my manager and agent. I'm like, hey, man, just so you know, I'm sick. I'm worried I'm going to get extra sick.

Can we warn the club? Uh-huh. Just get out in front of it. I don't know what's going to happen. happening here. I may be bailing. So they go, okay, we'll talk to them. Don't worry. People get sick. No problem. So I sit down. I tell Sarah, I'm nauseous. I call

Patrick, cancel the spots. I'm like, okay, I can just rest. No big deal. Sitting there. The room starts going, Oh, man. Spinning. Maybe on a bad oyster. And I go, man, I got to tell you, Sam, I'm nauseous. And she goes, I was

nauseous all week from the COVID. Here we go. And I go, okay, you were nauseous. I was, I'm nauseous. I probably got Even though I tested negative, and I've had COVID three times, didn't feel anything like this. It's like, all right, let's just watch a program. I took the night off. Let's just chill. Program.

Room spinning. All of a sudden, boom. Oh, here it comes. I go, I don't feel good. I run to the bathroom. Blah! I'm puking everywhere. Whoa.

Farfing like the fucking exorcist. Whoa. What is this? The hamburger with no patty? It's crazy. I don't know what it was. I'm like, I'm like lard ass and stand by me. Wow.

Buk, barf, my legs are in the air, headstand. Oh, man, you're like a supermodel. It's crazy. So I come running back, and luckily, my wife never believes anyone's sick, unless she sees and hears puke. So she's like, oh, my God, you're sick. Yeah, no shit, lady. What did you eat?

I had nothing. I had hamburger meat with her, taco meat, but she had the same thing. She felt like a million bucks. Okay. So I'm like, I had taco. Could it be you? I'm like, are you sick? And she's like, no.

And I had the Spinski's in the morning. Right. before I ate anything. So I go, this is crazy. So, this is crazy. I go to bed.

I'm like, all right, I know what it is. I got COVID. I got AIDS. No problem. Positive. Wake up the next morning.

I got my flight at 10.30. I go, I'll feel better tomorrow. I'll fly down to Florida. Worst case scenario. I get COVID. I'm sick in Florida. But I can chill and get the sun.

We'll blast it out. The sun is a healing God. Absolutely. So I wake up, six in the morning. Your flight's been canceled. Oh. Just canceled.

Wow. TSA, just whatever, it just goes, no, no like, oh, maybe because the fucking crash happened the day before. Ah, the Tiger Woods. So they just go, your flight's canceled. So I call my agent, I go, listen, I'm dizzy, I threw up, my flight's canceled, I'm fucked over here. Yeah. We had the tennis that night. Flight's just over.

They didn't even, they go, we couldn't even get you on another flight. It was just one of those. Wow. Forget, forget it. What's going on in this country? Well, I think I got an idea. I see. Yeah.

So, but don't worry, the economy. So I go, you got to call this club because I'm throwing up, I'm falling over, and they're like more nervous than I am. They're like, go to the hospital. Oh, do you feel better in the morning? I feel a little better, but still dizzy, but I'm not barfing. Okay. So they go, you got to get to a doctor ASAP.

Oh, that sounds like ayahuasca or something crazy. Oh, it's funky. So I go... Funky butts. He calls the club and I go, I take the baby. Sarah had to go, whatever, do some shit. I took the baby. I'm in there.

I'm a little wonky, but I'm stabilized. I call my agent. He goes, he calls the club. He calls back. He goes, okay, talk to the club. I just shit all over the club for starting late. But the owner couldn't have been nicer. Couldn't have been more understanding.

He goes, here's what we'll do. We're going to cancel the Thursday show. Take all the Thursday ticket holders, push them to Friday. I love this idea. And he goes, in fact, we'll cancel the late show Friday. We'll merge all the tickets. Because I sold nice tickets, but not sellout. This is not my market. So he goes, we'll condense five shows to three. Oh, my, this is a great agent. He's a great man. Now, this is the owner of the club. Oh, sorry. And working in concert with the agent. So he goes, that way, you have all day to day. It's Wednesday. He goes, you get all day and night to rest. Thursday, you don't have to think about getting on a flight tomorrow.

Okay. So you can rest all day Thursday, and then when you come down Friday, all you have to do is get through one show. Is that beautiful? That is beautiful. It's so considerate. There are people in this world who understand, they care. They get it. They think.

Plus, now, instead of five pretty well-attended shows, I got three packed-out shows. I love it. So I go, this is money. That's lunch. So I go, Crocodize. done deal. I'll buy a Friday ticket. And now I have two full days home with no obligations. I'll rest up. I'll go to a doctor. I'm going to go to the doctor. Day. So I go, I'm going to go to urgent care. I'm fucking dizzy. I'm throwing up. I go over to urgent care. I go,

hey, listen, sister, I got a toe here. Step on. I go, I'm barfing. I'm dizzy. I feel like a million bucks otherwise. I got a little sore throat. My father's gay. Sure. So she does a COVID test. A flu test and a strep test. Damn. A lot of tests. Negative, negative, negative. Ah. So I go, all right, well, what else can be going on?

She goes, I'm going to check your sugar. Oh, shit. The sugar test. So now I get nervous because, you know me. I ate three donuts every morning. Two brownies in the afternoon. Your sugar son O'Malley. I get a fucking, I know him.

I had a... I have spaghetti at night. I have, you know, I drank Coca-Cola. of French fries McDonald's. I'm a homo. I'm a homo. Yes, yes. She goes, we gotta do a sugar test.

And I'm like, I don't know. Is that completely necessary? You're a sugar daddy. I don't know if that's shit. I don't know. That seems a little. Yeah. What am I, a fat guy?

Come on. That seems crazy. And I literally, without exaggeration, just had two donuts with Marty. Like two full fucking glazed donuts. Oh, mama. And I'm afraid of needles. So I'm like, well, I don't know about this.

sugar thing, but now it's a finger prick. It's the little, you know. Oh, those are all right. Yeah, not too bad. So I go, all right. So, you know, I'm trembling. I'm the same way. My dicks are, and I'm nervous. And it's like a 14-year-old black girl with a voice like this. She's like, I'll take your sugar. Like she had the highest little voice. Could have been sweeter. Why did they hit the finger end? I use that constantly. Hit the up or hit something that's not always touching something. Now I've got an open wound on the thing I touch. button, subway pole. That's where the wound is. It's a good point. That's a point.

Yeah. Hit my knee. Hit my ear or something. Knee. So I go, all right, so I give my finger. Yeah. And I just, I glance at the thing because I want to see the number because I'm going to ask chat, GBT, as soon as this bitch leaves the room.

Yeah. And I go, all right. Looks like 85. 85. You know, the, you know, the... Out of 100? I don't know what it's out. Okay.

So I go, well, is that bad? Is that good? Is that? She goes, well, I can't say, I'm not the doctor. So she leaves the room and I'm like, what does 85 mean? I got my fingerpricked. Oh, yeah, glucose. And she comes back and the lady's like, your sugar is perfect, right on the money.

Couldn't be better. And I go, well, I just had two donuts. And she's like, well, I don't know. If you had two donuts and it's 85, you're Superman. Wow. Is this the American scale? I think that's got to be different over here because all we eat is sugar. I eat more sugar than anyone I ever met, but my thing is right down the middle.

Oh, sugar cane. Yeah, so I go, okay, great, 85, perfect. So sugar's fine, blood pressure's fine. It's a tick high. It's always high. Blood pressure's fine. She does a neurological. I'm doing this shit. Oh, yeah, the Justin Timberlake.

That's fine. She checks in my ears, ears look fine, eyes fine. Everything looks fine. That's good. You got a checkup. And so I got like a free checkup, basically. Not free. I charged me, but I go, so what the fuck?

Because I almost fell over. I'm throwing up. She goes, you got to go to an ear, nose throat. Duh, another stop. I go, okay. So I make the appointment for later that day. But hey, God, good on you. You got a good bill of health here.

Yeah, good blood pressure, good sugar. I mean, the blood pressure is a little high. But a tick, a tick. A tick, not hon. A tick not hon. A tick not hon high. So I go, okay. So I make the ear-nose-throat appointment.

That's at 4 o'clock. So I got a few hours to kill. I'm walking around dizzy. I got a colt. Okay. So then they do this thing. They call. I make the appointment.

I'm like, there we go. Then I got a call. Hey, we actually don't take your insurance. This country's a fucking. That's why I don't have insurance. They don't take your insurance. And I go, well, they just said that you took my... Blah, blah, blah, blah.

I go, I'll pay out of pocket. Okay. Pocket book. I show up. The lady goes, hey, we've been trying to reach you. We've called you four times. You can't have an appointment. You're not in our insurance.

And I go, no, no, I talk to a guy. I kept my appointment. I want the appointment. Yeah. I don't care what the cost. I need a fucking diagnosis. Yes, yes. She goes, oh, I didn't realize you talked to somebody.

I'm like, well, why don't you guys connect to each other? Yeah. Call talk to them before you talk to me. So I go into the ear, nose throat doctor. She looks in my ear. She's like, all the crystals are, because you have crystals, they fall over evidently. Ah. Yeah.

Crystal meth. So the crystals fall good. She goes, your eyes look good. Your dick looks hard. Your assholes loose. That's good for me. So then she goes, all right, I'm going to do a test. So she leans me back and turns my head.

Room is just flipping around, spinning. My legs, I start kicking. I go, put me back up. Put me up, lady. I can't. I'm going to die. Oh, back into the left. And I sit up and everything's shaking and walking.

I'm going to barf. I'm like, what the fuck was that? She goes, I got to do one more test. I go, okay, she leans me back the other way, turns my head. I go, whoa, I can't. The room's falling over. The dialysis machine spills. I come in her tits.

I'm worried about you. What the hell is that? Is that fluids are off? So she gets on the computer. She goes, what you have is called vestibular neuritis. What? That sounds serious. It affects four in 100,000 people, which I don't know why they don't just say 1 in 25,000.

Oh, yeah. You look it up, it says 4 in 100,000. I'm like, that's 1 in 25. Isn't that weird? Wait, 4 out of 2,500. 4 out of 100,000 people will experience this. So? Which is the same as 1 out of 25.

I don't really get it. Maybe there's some reason why they do that. I don't know. So vestibular neuritis is the diagnosis. You have a vestibular. You have tubes in your ears. I did. Vestibular nerve runs back there.

It's all balance. It's the rods and cones. Whoa. And it could get inflamed from just a cold. And this is like the lightest cold I ever had in my life. Whoa. So it got all fucked up. What about the yakking?

That's one of the symptoms. It's called the acute phase. The first four days, the acute phase, you're nauseous and, like, serious vertigo. Whoa. And so I had, when people have vertigo, whatever, it's fucked. It's fucked. It's crazy. It's bad.

He just sit down on the stairs to go down because he'll go nuts and fall. Well, Derek was telling me Jason Day, the golfer, was like one of the best golfers in the world. I think he's amazing. He went to a golf match by the he has vertigo, and he was just laying next to the green, had to quit the tournament. He was just laying on the grass. One of the best athletes in the world, just fucking dead. Yeah, for my dad, it's fluid. The fluid is off.

Well, you've got to watch up for that, I guess. Oh, he's, ah, geez, you're right. And you had the tubes. That doubles your chances. God, my life's in the tubes. Eight out of 50, have that. Shit. Should it be 1 in 2,800?

Okay. So I got the stipular neuritis. Wow. It will go away. She gave me steroids. Oh! Prednisone. She's like, I'm going to give you a fucking steroids.

So I'm Jack. Wow. What are you? Johnny Mansell? So she gives me steroids, and then the steroid causes fucking jitterness, and you can't sleep. You're all crazy. Oh, you hopped up. Are you going to have roid rage?

So now I got roared royds. My balls are teeny. My dick is huge still. All right. I'm jittered up. I'm dizzy. I'm still dizzy right now, by the way. Whoa.

It's only been a week. It can take one to two. Some people have it chronically for like six months or something or forever. But it is curable. It'll go away. It's supposed to go away. It's, I'm not a big crows. guy, so I think it'll go away.

I thought it was a good hell. But I'm still fucked up. It's worse when I'm sitting down. It's bad when I'm fucking. When I look back behind me, it gets really funky. Oh, but maybe you can vibrate on her. Well, I'm trying. I was sucking on her toes, and I fell over.

Wow, that's a stinky toe. So I got vestibular neuritis. I'm taking the, whatever the fuck they call, steroids. Yeah. And I'm just all fucked. I'm all fucked up, Jerry. Oh, man. But it was scary, and.

I was like, it comes on from a cold. Sometimes COVID or flu, but I was like, but I barely have a cold. She's like, that's all it takes is just some kind of whatever. Well, why now? You've had a million colds in your life. Why is it now hitting you? Just age? I think it's just the same as anything.

It rarely affects children, but it could happen at any age. Got it. But I think it's one of those things you get. You get a rash. You get a boner. You get gay. You get whatever. Cancer.

In that order. Now, wait a minute. Are you okay? I mean, like, are you, because you're a hypochondriac slightly? Is this, is this weird to know you have a thing? Is that better than thinking you have a thing? Well, once you have the diagnosis, you're like, okay, I'm going to be dizzy for a few days. Right.

Whatever. I mean, it's fucked up. It has like a brain fog feeling. It actually feels worse last night and today than it did the day before. But I read about it. I think stress and a lot of travel, car rides, flights. Yesterday, I was flying all day. I was in cars all day.

didn't sleep so well. Dehydration, lack of sleep, all that stuff can contribute to it. Got it. Got it. Wow, car rides. People in a car every fucking day. So it should go away in the next week or so. It's still a little funky, but you also get used to it, and it improves on its own. Okay.

So hopefully the inflammation or whatever goes down, but it was scary. That's walkie, Jerry. I mean, the sidewalk and the trees is cuckoo. It was fucked up. So then I missed the tennis. I had no flight anyways. That's the thing that was crazy. even if I wasn't sick, my flight just never took off.

Wow. So let me just fast forward. I went down Friday as planned, and it was perfect because I had the one show, even though I was dizzy and funky. Did the one show. It was great. Two shows Saturday. Great.

So then Sunday, I was like, we'll stick around until Sunday because we're going to go to the final. Men's Championship Sunday. And then Sarah and Marty flew down Saturday. Because I was going to be gone Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday. I don't like to be away that long. So I was like, I'll fly you guys down. That way I don't have to miss five days with my boy. Yeah.

So they fly down Saturday, but now I didn't go till Friday. So I wasn't going to be gone five day. I've only been gone one day. Good point. So now they just fly down on my vacation. They ruined everything. So I'm like, all right, welcome. So now I'm barfing.

I got a cold. I'm dizzy. Now I've got the family also. Right. And then Sunday comes, and I go, all right, you guys will swim in the pool at the hotel. Matt and I, we're going to go to the men's final. Now we're talking. Now we're all set.

Finally, we're going to get some tennis because Wednesday we missed a classic. We go Sunday two days ago. Pouring rain. Ah, what a weekend. Four hour rain delay. We saw 20 minutes of tennis, four and a half hour rain delay. Then we saw an hour of tennis. Then another rain delay.

We failed. They never swam because it just rained all day. So they flew down and sit in a hotel room. They flew down, sat in the hotel. I missed both tennis. I bought two tickets to two tennis events and saw 45 minutes of tennis. I just shit $1,000 down the toilet, threw up on the sidewalk, had to grab a tree. Yeah, not to mention the urgent care pay.

Well, that wasn't too bad. That was like $75 or something like that. Oh, that's not bad. But wow. Boy, Sarah must have been peeved. Well, she was, I mean, first of all, she's just relieved to be healthy again. She was so sick. And then we did swim Saturday.

We all swam. All right, all right. Me, heard, Matt, Kramer, the butler, the baby. So we had Saturday, and Sunday she took a workout class. I had the baby all morning. So she got to go work out and exercise. All right. And then we had a big family dinner, which was nice.

And I have fun in a hotel. It's fun to get stuck in a hotel. I love a hotel. So, but, yeah, not getting to swim sucked, not getting to see any tennis, sucked. Yeah, wow. I can't believe we were texting on Friday night. I didn't know any of this about the vertigo, the sidewalk, the yaking, the evening. the distrologos serengeti.

Well, I wanted to save it. Yeah, wow. What a whirlwind. This is quite an adventure. Vestibular neuritis. How about that? That's one for the books. Vestibular neuritis. That is a lot of letters. Call in if you've had it because I haven't encountered one single person that's had it. No, I've never heard of it, and I hope to never hear about it again.

Unbelievable. All right. All right, well, I can't top that. I got a couple of mishaps and sniff them up. By the way, I got quite a bit more, too. It was a crazy week. Can we bend you over on the Patreon and watch you flip out? Yeah, maybe that's not bad.

All right, all right. When she did it, I was like, let me up, let me up. It was horrible. But it seems like that would just do that. Like, oh, you're picking up a pen over here and you would just feel that. Well, no, I feel it all the time now when I bend over, especially with the baby because you're bending over all the time. It's fucked up. And then I might have to go to do vestibular therapy.

Whoa. Which I might just do a quick side note about it because I want to give you the. I can already see the comments in the page being like, Mark didn't talk. This is pretty serious. So they do this. And this is where it's all a medicine is a racket. She goes, if the medicine doesn't work, you don't get better in two weeks, call me, I'll set you up with a vestibular therapist.

And I was like, well, what's that? She's like, just a couple exercises that help it. Okay. But I'm like, but I know you know the exercises. You could just tell me the exercises right now. Yeah. And I hate to say, you could probably go on YouTube. Of course.

And go, what's a therapy for a vesticular meningitis? Exactly. But it's all a fucking racket this medicine. It's all a money grab. They go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll just send you to a different person. They'll kick money to me. And then that person will tell you this two things that I already know.

That's how they get you. All right. Well, I got to just give a shout out because I think the show's over. But I did. No, it's not over. We got 25 minutes left. I'm joking. We did a Portland, Maine.

Empire. Oh, yeah. with the big bulge. Yeah, the Bulger. Dan Bulger came down. This is a top-notch club. If you want to work on material, it's a great room.

Portland's a great city. When you show up, there's a lobster roll in the fucking green room. Lucas, got to give a shout-out. Every show is amazing. And I'm talking, I'm up there with a notebook.

Like, is this anything? Okay, milk has an expiration date. If you're a pedophile, so does a kid. They get older? Huh? You know, they're throwing tomatoes at me and shit, He let me work it out. And you can jerk off to the milk carton.

The missing kid. That's not bad. Hey, that's pretty good. Take that. All right. I'll shoot some cream. You have that. Yeah, lobster roll.

How about this one? So you're in Portland. It's a beautiful city. It's super cool. You know, only 70,000 people live there. That city should be booming. It's like great food, great bars, the water. I guess it's cold.

It's cold and, yeah, it's just far away. There's not that many people in Maine. I guess so. It's the only one syllable state. That's true. But yeah. So we're out in Portland. I go, we got to get some seafood.

We're out here. We've got to get some oysters, some clams, some pussy, whatever. So we go to the Jay's Oyster House. Oh, I know Jays. There's a wait. It's a No Kings day. So we had to sift through the No Kings. Oh, right.

Stephen King's from there. That's awkward. So we sift through there. We're kicking old people out of the way. By the way, it's a bunch of activists and old people. A lot of blue hair. Hey. Hey.

Try that on stage. no one liked it, but I was also with the bad momentum with the pedophile expiration date joke. So, uh, we go to Jay's Oyster House. It's a wait. We got it. We finally get in there. I sit down. We get, we get, a dozen oysters. There's three guys. Me,

Lucas, and Bulger. Then we each get clams. Then we each get Bloody Marys where we're doing the whole thing. The bills, what? This is a gamble. I know. I know. I was like you. I was wonky at the end of this thing, but we're just eating oyster and clam and lobster and crab. and the bill is a, it's a pretty penny. I go, I got the bill.

Holy geez, the room starts spinning. It was like I bent over. I got a vesticular manslaughter. And I go, Jesus Christ. All right, here you go. I drop bunch of cash down there. I go take a piss. The waitress goes, is this all good?

I go, take it. I get back. There's a guy in the table behind me. He goes, I just saw your special. And I go, hey, thanks. All right. He goes, let me get the bill. Oh.

And I go, I just paid it. Bitch, get back here. She's like, I'll see you later. She runs off with all the cash. It's flying on a blinder. So that was, I think he knew what he was doing. You want to say, hey, scan my Venmo. Say, hey, the check.

Thank you. That's very nice. The check was $188. Here's my Venmo. Yeah. Send it out. I don't want to go Venmo on the guy. That's a little uncouth.

Wow. You're an uncouth guy. thought about it. I'm long in the uncouth. But John Wilkes' Uncuth. But yeah, I thought about all the things. Like, maybe you could PayPal me. Venmo. I take cash.

C-O-D. But, yeah, so that was a real... You know me. That was... I mean, this is a couple less than five, more than four. It was more than $400? It was a lot of money. I mean, we got bloody... These Bloody Mary's now are $25 for a fucking cocktail.

Wow. And, you know, they put a... shrimp in there or some bullshit, but drinks are expensive, seafood's expensive, economy, gas, Iran. Wow. So, yeah, that was a bitch. God, he knew what he was doing, I think. He watched me

put the money down. There's my neighbor. She's so hot. Very attractive. I may say. Not my type. So, yeah, then we get out of there. Now, how about this one? We do the show, and there's a curtain there. It's one of these places you've been there. Yes, of course.

It's just a curtain green room. Curtains for us all. Yeah, beef curtains. So you're right there. I know me, I'm loud. I project. I'm on the couch going, ah, N-words and systematic fibrosis, whatever. And a guy just goes, huh, and he sticks his head in.

You're like, go, Jesus Christ. Because there's no door. It's just a curtain. It's a thin layer of. Gabbardine. Thank you. So I go, what's up, man? Because you're like, I don't want to scare this guy.

They could stab me. So I'm like, hey, what's shaking, man? He goes, I got to ask you one question. And the guy's going, get out of here, man. You can't be back here. He goes, one question. And I go, all right, all right, fine. One question.

And he goes, what was the sham wow guy like? And I go, that was your question? Wow. You stick your head in. The guy's got you to headlock. And he asked me about Sham Wow, because I did kill Tony with him 10 years ago. Oh, wow. So what was he like?

He was a bit methie. Okay. Like Maga methie guy. I don't know much about the Sham Wild guy. I know he's very popular or he's soft. He, you know, he's just a rando, invented a product, hit it big. And now he loves Trump, right? A big Trump guy, but very millionaire, but still trash.

Is he alive? Oh, yeah. He did a set on Kill Toney. Wow. So. There was a guy like that that died. Yeah. A squeegee guy or something.

Yeah. Because I remember DePaul did a joke about him, and then he died like the next day. Oh, fuck. One of those guys. My pillow, maybe it was that guy. He's alive. Yeah. Oh, well, there's a guy like of that ilk, the infomercial guy.

Yeah. But you know what's great about this club is it felt like the old days where it's like me and Bulger. And then we did a three show Saturday. So you got a four, a seven, and a nine. And we did the four. And you're like, all right, it's 5.30. The next show is not until seven.

We got an hour and a half to kill. So we just drank beers at the bar next door. Oh, that's fun. And we had, you know, a couple of Guinness. and then you see people from the show and they're like passing Guinnesses down so now you're like

ooh baby, the sidewalk's moving the trees are bending and then you go do two more shows I fell like a kid again It's a great town and a great city I mean that city really takes me back because that was like the big adventure

when we were in Boston you'd go up to Portland and like we got a road getting meanwhile it's like 90 minutes away and I told you the old comedy connection in Portland is like the greatest room of all time I made them take me there

oh really the old one because it's right on the wharf Yeah, yeah. It was like condemned. It was falling in the water. Yeah, it's under the... If you look through the cracks, you can just see a fish. Yeah, it's crazy. But, yeah, that empire is awesome. Lucas is the man. Great time.

I'll be there in July, July 1st and 2nd or something like that. I'm putting that on the yearly docket because to work out in there is... It's perfect. It's small. It's tight. It's great. They're hot and they're grateful. What do you got to? Did you look it up? Do you know what you're talking about over there? Yeah, I think you're thinking of Billy Mays. Billy Mays. That's it.

Oxiclean? Yeah, yeah, oxyclean. He's dead. Billy Mays Hayes, yeah. O.D.? I think he had like heart problems. Uh-oh. Yeah.

I think it's neurofibril. Cause of death. Whatever. Heart disease. Wow. That's most deaths, I think. Inhaling that fucking clean. It could be drugs as well.

I will say oxyclean works. That shit works. Really? You got bloodstain in your panties. Oxyclean it. All right. Good to know. Now listen to this commute.

Because now, okay, I did Friday, Saturday, and Portland. Sunday I'm doing the Vets Theater in Providence. Ah. Yeah, so it's a big New England week. And so I go, all right, how the hell am I getting to Providence? And then I realize if I'm in Providence, I never do a Sunday show. Oh. So that's going to stick.

Watch out. I never do a Sunday show. So I want to get back on Sunday night. Okay. Check, I was like, hey, to my travel guy. I was like, check if there's a train going back from Providence. post show. You know if I can get on like a 10, 10 p.m. train or a 9 p.m. train, something.

He goes, there's nothing. I go, what about a flight? Is that crazy? He's like, there's nothing. So I go, fuck it, let's rent a car. So here is my Sunday travel. Hungover, wake up, get on a bus at 9 a.m. in Portland. The bus takes you to South Station. The bus is out of control.

Out of control. I'm Batman, takes you to South Station, then I took a commuter rail to Providence from South Station. Then from the commuter rail, I got an Uber to the Providence Airport where I got a rental car. Then I got the rental car, drove to the hotel in Providence. Wow. And that was a long-working day. So you went quite a ways past where you needed to go to come back. Well, the airport is south of the city.

It's in Warwick. Yeah. Yeah, it's about, it's only about 15 minutes south-thous. Okay. It wasn't more of a drive that I thought. But, yeah. Warwick. Wow.

Warwick. Now, why not just rent a car in Portland and drive it to Providence? I didn't think about that. I think I'd already bought in the bus ticket. And I said, let it ride. Yeah. But, boy, getting back on a bus, you feel like an open micer. I'm like, it's like nine in the morning.

You're in the cold, you know, and then the, throw your bag under the thing. And then I got on last because I was late because I was hung over. and everyone had bags on the seat. That old trick. So I had to do like the, sorry. And this lady was like, oh, okay. I guess because I picked her. Can't sit here.

Exactly. You felt like that. Don't try too hard because some of those other ones was like, God. I'm holding it in. So I did it. And then I go, I get to Providence, and it's the Little Roady Comedy Fest. Little Roady Laugh-Rey. Thank you.

So there's a buzz in the air. I get to my hotel. Doug Key, his lady. lady. All these people are all in the lobby of the hotel doing shots and espresso martinis because it's like 3 p.m. by this point. And I'm like, oh, my God, you just want to get in and go to bed and take a shit. But there's like all this cruffle. And they go, Norman, you know, I got my suitcase and my clan hood on. And they're like, get over here. And you're like, here we go. So you go over there, you do a shot of whatever. They tell you, oh, man, Bobby had a seizure last

night, Chelsea Handler, blew all of us. John Mullaney, relapse. You're like, what the fuck? It's a fest. I never even heard of this fest. Jerry Seinfeld opened it last year. It's gigantic. Wait, Jerry Seinfeld opened the festival?

Oh, you mean he went first? Yeah, he went first thing. Oh, I thought he made like he started a festival in Rhode Island. He's bored. No, it just started the last year. I never even heard of it. It's huge. It's crazy.

Kevin Hart was there. No shit. Yeah, it's huge. So, Doug Kigo. goes, you ready for that gig at four? And I was like, gig at four. And he goes, you said you would do a bus. Oh, yeah.

Comedy on a bus. And I was like, another bus? I forgot about the bus. I was on a bus earlier. So there's a group out in Providence that it's pretty great. It's like a school bus that they revamped with seats and a podium and a DJ equipment. And you drive around with drunks and you tell jokes with a mic. Wow.

You stand in the front of the bus. I mean, I did Rosa Parks jokes. Tiger Woods jokes. Greyhound. What do you do you're going to Greyhound? Do they normally have people of your stature? No, everyone's. Yeah. Who the hell is doing this thing? I can't say, no, I'll do a gig anywhere.

Did they pay you? Yeah, they paid handsome. They were very nice. It's a couple. And I met the guy with the thickest, New England accent of all time. He hosted. Brad, yeah, cool dude. Not my Brad. No.

Which Brad Pierce? Brad Pierce. I don't know if I know Brad. He did a great job. He's like, we got Mark Norman up here coming down from you know, that whole thing. And he was hilarious and he sets it up nicely. And, you know, you do 20 minutes. It's the longest 20 minutes of your life because you're in the middle of a bit. I was like you on the sidewalk. So you're like, and then another thing, whoa, because they take a turn, you know, and you got a no shit bar. That's all you got.

So you got the bar and the mic and you're just doing this shit. And then it's hard because there's a homeless guy shitting outside. There's a, people fighting over here. There's a naked lady. And you're like, do I riff on that or do I do my act? Right. So we did a little of both. And they were super cool, great crowd. God, a bus show on the day of travel, that you traveled on a bus. Exactly. I was on a lot of transportation modes that day. That's crazy. So then you get off the bus. You go, okay, thank you. I think I got a DUI. And then you go to the hotel, you shower, and I go to the Vets Theater. Now, here's a whole other bag of This is a beautiful theater.

It's like half sold. Because, you know, they're tapped out. It's Sunday the Celtics are playing, and they saw Malaney and Kevin Hart and Chelsea Handler. Right. So I'm on the last day of the last show. So it's like the Netflix fest. It's spread thin.

Uh-huh. So then you're like, wait a minute. I'm at the Vets Theater. That's kind of a big deal. It's a great room. I have no act. I just put out a special. I've got like 11 minutes of material.

Oh, boy. So, you got the bus stuff. Just try the bus stuff again. I talked about the bus, but they were like, we weren't. We don't know about the bus. Like two people know the bus. And so it was one of those shows where I'm like tap dancing. I'm doing cartwheels.

I'm doing props. I'm like, what's up with stools? Anything on the stage, I'm like, what is that, a curtain? Get out of here. Chandeliers are weird. You ever swinging on one of those? I mean, I was grasping at any straw. Oh, boy.

You couldn't believe it was the biggest charade small. charade. It was a biggest charade of all time. People in the audience going in unison, you know, everybody did this. Like, what do we pay for? What is this? How did this end up in this theater? I should have been in a basement with this shit.

And it was one of those ones where I got a couple DMs after like, hey, man, that was a valiant effort. Hey, you really stuck it out there. You know, like, I'll go into topical material when I have 10 minutes left. Right. You hit 45, 50 minutes. You're like, all right, let me talk about Tiger Woods.

So the amputee cornhole guy. And I got into that about minute 18. Oh, boy. I was like, what's going on with Iran? These Ayatollahs? One's gay, I heard. And just eating shit. I got off Doug Key goes, boy, you got into the Ayatollah stuff pretty quick.

I was like, yes, I'm out of material. So I kicked them in the stomach. I jumped in the rental car and barreled home. I got home at like 1115. Wow. Boy. So did they? clap at the end or were they confused?

No, they were gone. They were gone. I looked out it was an empty popcorn box and a poof of smoke. It was a bomb and a half. I feel like I just robbed. It was like a heist. Oh, boy. Except they left.

Yeah. They got the hell out of there. Well, you could have done some of the stuff because a lot of people probably were like, we're not going to watch the special yet because we're going to see them. Oh, I didn't think about that. Did you pull? I did. I did.

And I got a lot of, I don't know how many, but it was a substantial Wu. Well, this is hard because it takes a lot of willpower if you're a comedy fan to not watch the special. Exactly. Because they have the tickets, so they're like, we don't want to spoil the show because we want to see them live, but like they're just sitting that

special is just bubbling going, we've got to see what it looks like, we've got to see it. Yes, yes. So then they watch it and then they go, well, it won't spoil us. We'll go see it again. But even if it doesn't, it's still in your head. Yes. This is the thing people say sometimes. They're like, don't worry about us hearing the material.

We've heard it. We want to hear it again because we love it, but you're like, I know, but me just knowing that you know. Right. Because, and it's an old cliche. People have heard this. Comedy is supposed to be like a magic trick. So it's like, if you know the trick, it doesn't, I feel like an asshole. Yes, yes, exactly, exactly. So, yeah, totally right. So even if they haven't seen it, I think they've seen it. I used to do it with Conan. I do a Conan set. Then two weeks later, I'm like, they've heard it all. I know. Nobody saw that shit. I have that in my head. I did one joke on my new hour that I'm touring with on The Tonight Show. And every time I tell it, I'm like, they've heard it. But I'm like, no, it's heard it. The Tonight Show had, you know, 80,000 views.

And, you know, there's whatever, there's 350 million people in the country. One joke reheard is not going to taint a whole audience. No. So, but I just tried to have some ego bullshit where I'm like, I'm not doing one bit from the special. Right. And it was a mistake. And they hated it. and I hated it.

I was dripping sweat like Billy Mays. I got out of there and high tailed it back. Got a parking spot right outside. Wow. Went to bed. It was one of the things where May was like, you're here? Oh, this is crazy. And we banged, and then, you know, you get to wake up Monday, and I woke up with the baby.

That's fun. It was a hell of a weekend. But now the whole parking thing is under construction over here. I know. Yeah, I got in under the wire. By the way, I'm still dizzy. funky. I don't know what... I think as I'm turning your way, it's fucking up my head.

Oh, yeah. I'm like driving, I'm walking like this. So I'm, it's fucked up this neurosis. I'm worried you won't be able to play a sport. Well, I think it's going to be a couple more days. Okay, okay, I hope so. But I tried to jog somewhere. It was like my whole world was bouncing up and down. It's funky. It sucks.

It's not fun anyway where you're like, ooh, groovy. I mean, I suppose, but it makes you just dizzy and nauseous. So, yeah, yeah. Yeah, not really. I don't like it. I got like a brain fog headache situation.

Ah, I hate a brain fog headache, a BFH. All right. So, here we go. Holy shit, I got a lot of texts. Where am I going to be? When does this come out? What day is it? I have no idea.

April 13th. April 13th. Oh, well, this weekend, Providence. All this talk of Providence. I'm there this weekend. Connection. Late shows, because the early shows are all sold out. But get those tickets to the late shows.

16, 17, 18. And then, oh, May 7th, I'm at the Hollywood Improv doing a regular stand-up headlining show. May 5th. We're there together at Tuesdays with Stories, of course. And then, holy shit, this is soon. I got to fucking get my life together. We got London, Glasgow, Dublin, Belfast. What's the one that's a Rhode Island town, but also in England?

Bristol. Bristol, Bristol, Bristol. Not Rhode Island, Connecticut. it. Bristol, England, and all that. And then in June, I got Levittown, some other place. I can't remember. Yeah, governors and some other shit. Nice. All right. All right. I'll be in Spokane, Chattanooga, shit, Raleigh, and Irvine, California. Come on out to that. And there we have. We've got the Netflix Fest. That'll be nuts. I'd love to get on that. Kevin Hart roast, but I think I tainted my chances, if you know what I mean.

And yeah, get on the Patreon. It's Hummon. We're about to do a bonus right now. We got late night sets. We got queef and anal, Q and Anil. And yeah, what do you got there? Chuckie Cheese? Check on my podcast, Funbearable.

But more importantly than that right now, we're doing a very special project. We just finished principal shooting. Actually, I just sent Mark one of the first scenes that we cut from our first shooting. the new project we're doing this morning, right, Mark? Tell them about it. Very funny. A lot of good lines. It's really well done. It's a pranky, trolly type of show.

It's fun. It's a combination sitcom hidden camera thing that is really fun. I'm excited to watch. You're going to enjoy, I think. I'm going to watch. I will watch. If you want to get involved, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. We're looking for backers.

Most of the pilot is done shooting. And now we are into post. We have a couple more things to shoot that are really small. but a bunch of people from the Tuesdays world got involved. That way, boys. It's great. All right. So if you want to get involved too, it's a very fun project. You know, I'll send you some stuff.

I'll send you some info and you can consider it. Yeah, add discount Chuck on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you guys. Yeah, we got big stuff. Like Mark said, Patreon. Punch up live. Sign up for our email list. We can let you know when we're coming. You'll know first.

You don't want to get shut out. Yeah. Send this guy some love for getting the dizzy spell. Well, I'm dizzy, baby. I'm dizzy right now. I feel like I'm going to barf. Jesse Gillespie. We'll see it, hell, folks. Brains our lives, we've been able to keep it up.