Tuesdays with Stories! - #652 Show Me Your Tilts

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Mark's sick!! Yet he still sees a little stick-and-puck, runs into a (semi) celebrity, and ends up on the ice! Joseph sees a live fail video in real life! And it's a 10 out of 10 fail, ladies and gentlemen! Then he sees another catastrophe at hot yoga! It's Tuesdays! - Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Support the show & get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Get 20% off your first 6 months of Quo business communications at http://quo.com/TUESDAYS - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Ah, we are back, baby. We're cooking. You sound and look and smell like hell. Top to bottom fabletics, by the way. Yeah, nice work. Great clothes. But yeah, yeah.

My head feels like it's the size of Rupert's ass. And right here, you get that pressure, that compacted giz-snot mucus. Yeah, you just want to, I always want to put a syringe in there and then just pull it. See the yellow snod? coming. AI's coming. Bring it on. Coming my ass.

Because I am hurting. And it's been days. I keep trying to kick it. I'm taking zinc and, you know, birth control, everything. That stuff is all horseshit. This is the thing, you know, of course. It gives you, and you can ask chat, GBT, it'll be like, it gives you a slight edge, maybe, a percentage if you take vitamin C, whatever. But it's all about rest and time.

Time. Time. And this is the thing. People, we always. Get tricked. We always think of cold, if you have something important, especially you're like, I'll knock it up, maybe three days, I'll knock it out. Yeah. A cold is two weeks before you're 100%.

Uh-huh. It's seven to 14 days. I mean, don't get me wrong. You can have a scratchy throat or whatever. You're not, you can go live your life. Yeah, throat goat. But it's two weeks. Two weeks.

Before you're like, woo! Before you're back to eating pussy and chewing gum. I feel like a pussy. I'm like wet and stinky. Yeah. This is not good. But, yeah, I thought it's been about six days. I thought I'd be cruising.

But, yeah, it's rough. Two weeks, I'm telling you, you better hope you don't get neuritis. It's vestibular neuritis. Is that the ear thing? That's the ear thing. And you had tubes and you're attached and you're gay. Lobe over here. Lisa lobe.

Vestibular neuritis is, I'm fucked, Jerry. Yeah, now how are you doing with the tilting? How's your sidewalks? My tilt is bad. The sidewalks are okay. It's a bad tilt. But, yeah, it gets a little bit, you know what's like... Tiltie pleasure.

It's tilt a whirl. It's like the... Show me your tilts. It's kind of like the baby growing. You don't notice it until you see a photo. Got it. But reverse. It's improving.

I like that. It's still there, but I'm like, oh, I'm not throwing up and falling down, but it's still... So I'm not, it's improving so little that I barely notice the improvement. I see. Home improvement. Okay. But... Uh-huh.

So you are improving. I'm improving, I think, but I'm still wacky. When I lay down, I'm like, what? It's like I go full down syndrome as soon as I lay down. That's crazy. But now I'm trying to embrace it and be like, hey, man. Right. The world's off kilter.

Artemis 2. But you forget, so you get up and you're like, what? The whole room fucking goes whack jobs. Damn. That's crazy. When I'm in like a missionary, you're kind of, I'm looking down and back to see the tits and the leg. Sure, sure. And everything starts getting loop-de-loops.

She starts looking like a man. I come fast. Yeah. So is it, do her tits get, whoa, over here and a pub goes up here? No, it's just a brief, like, and now it's more fog. It's like frontal lobe fog. God hates fogs. Yeah, it's a real fog.

All right. Jeez. But nobody's had it. I've never met anybody that has it. We did the set show. The hottest show of all time. Chuck was there. he rolled camera for about six minutes

this fucking ass Jesus Hold a real salacuse on me I hope you got some stuff He's like we only got eight minutes And meanwhile I look around It's like Matt Wayne

Sam Maril Louis Luis Lopez Some other retard Some asshole I'm like roll on these guys Roll! You don't roll on a guy without talking to him I don't want to roll on Sam without him

Well Matt Wayne was there He's very funny Oh yeah Mike Tui was there he was there. I did a lot with Wayne when you were on the stage. Okay. Okay.

Wayne's world. The people want to see Matt Wayne. That's what they pay for. Sure. He's selling hot tickets. All right. But anyways, so we'll have some, we'll have a hot, hot gay sets, whatever the hell we're calling it. Green Room hang.

Green Room hang. But there'll be a lot of on-stage stuff. All right, good. Okay. You get some material out there. That's worth, it's weight and anal. Yeah, we did a lot of crowdworking stuff, a lot of riffing. I went pretty hard political right off the top.

Which was dicey and fun. Careful. Well, now we're getting to a place where, like, everyone's like, I know. Right, right. But that's neither here or there. There's a lot to talk about. But we had fun. But then there was a doctor in the house.

There was a doctor lady. I was asking her about vestibular neuritis. Wow, look at that. You're getting medical advice on the mic. And there was a physical therapist lady who sounded hot. I couldn't see her. Ah. I'm sure Chuck got some shots of her.

How'd you look? Choochoo? Nope. I was behind. I was backstage. Nice. It's backstage hanging, schmoozing. Sure, not filming.

Good time. Ah, geez. By the, oh, side. I just remember what I wanted to talk about off air, but I'll talk about it on air. All right, fuck it. We're watching all this Skankfest footage. I finally got to Miss Skank Fest. Were you filming that?

Miss Skankfest? Oh, my God, yeah. Dude. Who? What? They did Miss Scank Fest. Oh. I didn't know that.

Folks, you got to buy this movie just for this. Pussy! They showed Putsy! What? Tits! Fist fight! It was crazy. Women were taking out their tits and taking on another.

The hottest woman I've ever seen was getting lap dances. They're kissing on the lips. There's two sets of tits out. Shaved baby pussy. Just exposed ass. Baby looking. Oh, okay. Did she move the diaper?

I missed Miss Skank. I missed Miss Skank. I missed it too. Oh, my God. I got so many clothes. I could not have framed it better. I was so happy with that footage. Oh, man.

camera was yours because the tits would come out and go, I was like, well, there's Chuck. But the craziest one was this girl was twerking, this larger lady, and she's twerking towards the other side, twerking towards this side. She twerks towards me. Dwerking for the money. Flashing purple butt plug.

Oh. Crazy. You probably only get to see it every rotation. Yeah. It was nuts. I was watching it. I wasn't there for it, and I had heard, I knew how it was some things, but I'm watching it, like, on the edge of my seat with a dick the

rock harder than fucking Apollo 8. I couldn't believe it. Send that over. I got to look at the footage, study the game film. I want to see the salacuse so I can see the tit shake. Well, I don't know where the hell he was. But this thing is going to be hot cakes. And we got Hinchcliff, Gillis, you, you're not miced, of course. Thank you, but I mean, who.

Still shot of me. Who else we got Lewis, Big Jay, Stanhope's all over. it. Dave Attell's all over. Greg Fitzsimmons is all in. Tim Dillon's all over. Bobby. Bobby Kelly's in there. Soder. Sodor. Sodor's in there. Boy, this is a ho's in there. We've got to name some minorities, for God's sakes. I know. Makeem, what's the Aimee? Naim Ali was there. Yeah. Jamar neighbors is in there. Drew Montana's in it. He's white. The Palmer Squares are all over this thing. Zachomiko's rapping. I'm back to

white guys. Sagalow. Sagalow. Yeah, another hunky. But yeah, yeah. Well, Lewis is a... He's brown and gay. Yeah.

Holy shit. Way do you see this thing? I cannot wait. There you go. Buy it just for that. I went and saw Mr. Skangfest, and it was just me and Amiko in a room. So... I was the thing.

Lewis was hammered the whole time. So he kept saying, we're going to crown Miss New Skankfest. He meant to say New Miss Skank Fest. We kept saying Miss New Skank Fest over and over again. Oh, that's fun. Not worth mentioning on the podcast, I guess. That's fun. Drunk, how think do you drunk I am.

There was some great, great lines. And by the way, shout it to Patrick Holbert, our director of photography, editor, co-producer. This guy, you know, he went on the Gravitron. It's totally upside out. It's going 300 miles an hour. He's focused. Wow. Patrick Holbert should sit down with many cameramen and teach a class, this guy.

He's the anti-Qs. I mean, he's literally going upside down, 300 miles an hour, and the camera is just rock steady. He's like a gyroscope. He doesn't flip. You can't believe it. And anyways, yeah, Chuck filled seven minutes for a bonus. Nice. I filmed a good amount.

Okay. Are you going to hit the 30? Oh, without a doubt. All right, that's all that matters. You're going to love it. You guys are going to both love it. It's going to be insane. So get on the Patreon, see some behind the scene stuff, and a bunch of onstage stuff.

Great. That's cool. You get a private screening of the cess show. the hottest show in town. It's underground. It's, it's New York, Lower East Side. It's fun stuff. By the way, Sam came in. He is, he had me on the floor. And it's new shit. Like, he just recorded a thing. I was dying. I mean, just dying, laughing. And, you know, it's hard to get rolling as a comic when you want, you usually just go, oh, that's funny. That's a good bit. Right, right. I mean, I was like fucking pissing my pants. I almost had to leave because I felt

like I was distracting the show. I couldn't stop laughing. He's a killer. He's a beast. He's one the greats out there. So check him out. Absolutely. He's all over the road and he's got something coming out soon. Who knows when. Yeah, he's got a thing in the can. He shot it. That's got to feel good. And speaking of in the can, I hate to just start promoting, but it's also what I want to talk about. The storytelling show. The end, Ari Show. This is going to be huge. This is big. I mean, talking about a lineup. The Skank Fest doc versus the Ari show. I mean, I don't know who's got a more who's who. Well, he's got me beat, I think, because he's got Nate, Segura.

All right. And also Shane, also Soder, also you. True, but you got Tim Dill, you got Stanhope, you got a tell, and no blacks. That's true, that's true. Well, the storytelling show, how about this? One episode, I don't know, who's on your episode, do you know? It's me, Ari, and Duncan Truzzle. Weird mix.

I know. But the beauty is it all gets paid the same. How about this? It's favorite nations, as they say. Sarah's episode, Dan Soder, Sam Talent, Shane Gillis. Whoa! She's got to blow past me, which I hope because I'd love to just stay home on a weekend. Sure, that'd be nice.

Take care of the boy and eat pizza. She's going to be huge. It's Sam Talent, Shane Gillis, Soter, Sarah, Ari. That's the episode. How'd she get a five her? She's going to set while Soder and Shane went on together. Ah, so that's a one. So she's just going to be the.

biggest comics and sliced cheese. Well, good for her. She's getting a bump. And I'm going to be left in the dust. I'm on with Chuck and Salacuse. I don't even know who I'm with. Oh, yeah. Rupert was on mine, but they didn't have a wide lens. But you've got you got to just sit back and collect those checks while your

sidewalk's walking. Yeah, it's got to be crazy and everyone's going to want to see that thing, so go check that out. By the way, I saw Ari for the first time. This pimple, he's like, he's such a quefy guy. He's like, we got to hang out. I got to catch up with you. I haven't seen you in nine months. And to me, I'm like,

okay, well, I'll see you around wherever. And I'm like, come by the regs. We're doing the rags. Or come over my house this day. He's like, no, no, I want one-on-one time. We got to go for a walk. I'm like, okay. So it ended up being a Sunday. He's like, I'll fly directly to your house. I'll come straight to your house with my suitcase. His flight's like delayed. So it's like Sunday at 5 p.m. Like I'm unwinding. I'm in my pajamas. I'm in my pajamas. I'm I got my purple butt plug in. That's promo chill time. Exactly.

Primo. So anyways, he shows up. Then he goes, yeah, I was going to buy, we started talking New York, Austin, expensiveness, how expensive New York City is. What do you make of this? He goes, I know.

This is his example. And he wasn't being funny. He's being earnest and Jewish. He goes, yeah, man, it is outrageous. He's like, I was going to buy you a record. Like, I just was at a record store. I thought, let me pick up a list of record

for a nice gift, nice little housewarming gift. it was like 40 bucks so yeah it should be 20 bucks so I didn't get it and I'm like this what is this story

I'm gonna start doing that with my wife he's literally like I was gonna get you a gift but it was too expensive and like that's his that's his contribution to New York is so expensive

I'm like first of all you're a multi-millionaire yes why even tell me exactly I thought about buying your car but man it was pricey so I just didn't do anything

yeah yeah it's gonna get you the engagement ring, but it was a little high, so we're not getting married. That's it. Exactly. I'm like, what the hell kind of story is that? That's cuckoo. And he said it just like the serious face.

We're all like, yeah, I bought groceries the other day. That was $100. I bought my sister's ass. That was $40. Yeah, I was going to buy you a record, but it was too much. I know. He said some weird stuff to me, and I have a theory that he was on Machu Picchu time over there with other people, and no one was checking him.

He's hanging out with a bunch of pygmies and a bunch of brown guys with spears. So everything he says, they're like, yes, sir, yes, sir. And now he's back here with comics, and we're going, what the fuck was that? Yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? Now we can sing him again. So he'll get right eventually, but it's going to take a month of a shitting on him. And he's off to London.

And then I thought he was going to be in London when I was there. I was like, this is going to be great. You can come out, you can open. It's going to be a special guest. It'll be crazy. And he's like, no, I'm not getting there until June. Oh, geez. Yeah, you fuck me again.

Yeah. He's a funny one. He's like, hey, will you do Story Wars with me? I'm like, I got four shows. He's like, could help the show. Promotion. I'm like, well, I got four shows. One's in Jersey.

He's like, come by Story Wars. And I'm like, what does that mean? I'm telling you, I can't do it. Well, there's these guys. Every one of my goddamn friend, Bobby's like this, Lewis is like this, Ari's like this. You go, oh, I can't do it. Well, why don't you cancel everything you've ever done in your life?

Why don't you come with me instead? Right. I don't get it. I can't go. I can't go. Also, I kind of know what to. Can we factor that in? I'd rather do the sets.

Factor. They are sponsor? Oh, yeah, Factor. Remember that? They were good. Anyway, some decent shakes. All right, so where you've been there? How'd you get sick?

Did you blow a guy? I wish. At least I knew where it came from. I think I know what it was, and it's gross if you're sitting down. I'm sitting. All right. So I was sitting on my couch, watching a flick, and I was noticing my nails were long. And I started biting my nails, and I got a weird tang.

I just was like, go! What the hell is that flavor? I think that was it. I think I got some bacteria, some something shit from a subway pole. I shook a hobo's hand. I figured my baby. I don't know what it was, but I think I got some kind of illness in me. And sorry, and I think that's what did it. The next day I woke up, I was just like, whoa, whoa, I felt horrible. I took a zinc because I thought that would cure me. and I puked Right there Just took a zinc

It was like Oh zinc will make you puke Empty stomach Yes yes You take a zinc on an empty stomach Forget about it But I do it a lot So I thought

Ah it's just a little quees And then all of a sudden I was like And then I hate puking So I held it in And I was like let me shit And I took a shit That could be COVID

It sounds like COVID Really Well COVID I puked The first time I had it I think you have COVID Well I've had COVID So many time He's backing up

Sorry I feel like a biohazard over here. Yeah. I feel like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. The head, the fatigue. Big fatigue. Throw up. Yeah.

Well, how do you beat COVID? You waded out. I don't know. Talk to Rogan. He's got fucking Ivermectin and the other thing. Yeah. Which that's alternative. Holistic.

Real drugs. Yeah. Nothing to do with the vaccine people. Totally different group of people. I took the vaccine. I took the booster. But I guess that was three years ago or whatever. Yeah.

But, yeah. It was like six years ago. Where's it all going? But... Up my ass. I guess I got COVID from a fingernail or something. No, germs don't have a taste. They just happen.

Germs are around. You probably got it from Rupert, farting, or whatever. All right. They're just around. We're on the subway. We're not big hand washers. No. I wash my hands like 20 times a year.

If that. I only do it if someone's watching me. Yeah. You know... I've seen you shit and not wash your hands. It was quite a sight. What? Why do you guys watch me shit?

Well, the old office. We used to shit next to each other. I do it here. Battle shits. Oh, sure. Yeah. You guys watch after shit? Of course.

Yeah. Yeah, I try to. You said 20 a year. If I, yeah, I take 20 shits. All right. Get out of here. 20 shits a year. You'd be dead.

This is a funny bit, by the way. It's like Rupert. I think this could be a bit. I'm like every day, I shit like clockwork at like 11 a.m. And every day, I'm, surprised by it. Like I'm at the playground. I'm like this. Whoa, what is that? What the fuck? Right. It's kind of funny, right? Like somehow literally every day, I'm like, oh my God, Sarah, I got to go, like... Yeah, that's true. You think I should just be like, there it is. Yeah, it's like an alarm. Somehow, every day, the exact same time, I have eggs and cheese and a caffeine. I'm like this. Oh, my God. Something's happening. That is funny. I got a shit. It's like, yeah, yeah. You got a shit for the 17,000th day in a row. You treat it like a water breaking. This is it.

I'm like, oh my God, and I'm like sweating. I'm like, I got to leave now. I don't know what's happening. The car's packed. How did this happen to me? There's something funny there. There's a bag by the door. Yeah, I like that.

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That's Shopify. com slash Tuesdays. Do it. It'll help your life. It'll help your business. It'll help us. Chiching! All right. So yeah,

just woke up feeling like hell, but the day before was a great day. So the wife, ever since the Olympic hockey win, she's back into hockey. She played as a high schooler. She's obsessed. She's back in. She joined a league.

And she goes, I want to go to a Rangers game. And I said, all right, I think I can hook that up. Hit up the Jews, got some tickets. We go to the Devils. The Devils. Fun rivalry. When did you go? I went Sunday.

I went Tuesday. Wow, that's crazy. How about that? That's not that crazy. A week ago. So we take the night off, we go to the Rangers, and my favorite thing is you get the food, because it's a VIP seat, so you get the lounge. Oh, yeah. And you get, I mean, they have a spread in there with a full bar TV.

I mean, it is quite a setup. It's lunch. So she shows up. We get there a little, the games that said, we get there like $6.50. So they usher you in. You got to go to the metal detector, all that crap. You go through the elevator. and the guy starts walking us to the rink.

And I go, whoa, whoa, where's the food? And he goes, oh, well, game starts in like eight minutes. You might want to get your seat. I go, are you nuts? Lounge. Yeah, I get the food. You got to go to the lounge. So he's like, oh, okay, I just didn't know if you wanted to go.

Most people show up at six. I was like, hey, blow me. So we go to the lounge, we pig out, I overeat. We get to the seats. I get a couple of vodka sodas. Get to the seat. Got my popcorn, my cocktail. We sit down.

You get a nice row. Second row. Wow. Right in front of the glass. There's a guy, a teenager, and a mom. So a dad, a son, and a mom. Okay. We shuffle past them.

Sit down. And I'm sitting there watching the game, eat my popcorn. And the wife goes, is that who I think it is? I was like, huh? Who's that? I can't get a look at her. Sit next to the wife. Pluribus lady.

What's that? Pluribus. Hit show on Apple. Vince Gilligan, the guy who did Breaking Bad, same director, Pluribus. I feel terrible. It's a big show. Oh, geez. I've never even heard of it in my life.

Oh, I think he would enjoy it. Okay. It's very smart, fun show. I'm watching some shows now. I'm a show guy now. It's a hot show. Put this on the list there, Faddy, because it's a whole, what do you call, symbolic metaphor.

Metaphor. Alorism. Allegory. Communism. Oh. And they really, they really do some social com. I see. So it's a show on Apple TV.

Yes. Apple TV, I don't know anyone that's ever watched a show on Apple TV. Ted Lasso. Oh, my God, I hate that. Studio. Oh, that's on Apple TV? Studio. Apple's good.

Severance is the biggest show. I'm an asshead. I don't know. I'm watching DTF St. Louis. That's fun. It's fun. The episode yesterday was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It was horrible.

You live and die by these Eps. I mean, it was really horrible. Yeah. And I watched the other one, The Beast and Me, which one episode was horrible. That one, too. Very good. Stupidest shows ever, but so fun. Very fun.

Fun and stupid. But so... Sorry. Is she a hot lady? Can you pull her up? I'd like to see this lady. She's a normal-looking lady. I wouldn't say she's hot.

I wouldn't say she's ugly. She's like a nice-looking lady. I thought you meant like E. Pluribus Unum. Like it was Margaret Thatcher. Who's the lady on the bill? Silver Dollar. No. No, no, no.

Susan B. Anthony. Susan B. No, it wasn't her either. Michael B. Jordan. Betsy Ross. That's the one. Oh, okay. That's my cup. Oh, that's right up your end. That's like my speed. Yeah, it looks like kind of a mean mother.

Yes, yes. That's a stepmom who grounds you. So we're sitting next to her. So it's already a great night. We're drinking. We're eating. The wife looks like a million bucks. She's all dolled up. She's sitting next to the pluribus lady. They get a photo.

The pluribus lady couldn't be nicer. I should probably know her name. I can't believe your wife recognized this. lady. Well, we watched the show. Oh, have you seen the show? Yeah. Wow. It's on TV. All right, I got to see this. Pluribus. Yeah, it's a great show. So she goes, I love your jacket. And the wife goes,

oh, it's very affordable. Which was a cute little moment. She's like, why am I telling this big actress that the jacket is cheap? Well, these days, who knows? That's true. The business is all wonky woo. That's a good point. She might be broke. That's a good point. So we're watching the game. It's a fucking great game. The Rangers are kicking ass. and then we get a goalie fight. I mean, this is like a full moon. Wow.

Once in a lifetime. Just two guys gloves off going at it. Oh, I missed it. You know, grabbing the jersey. You know what it feels like? It feels like because, you know, these guys train all day and they work so hard. They get checked and lose teeth.

But the goalie fight, everybody loved. Like, you could see some people are on their phone the whole game, but once they're fighting, It's like when you do a crowd work bit that kills harder than all your material. Right. You know, you're like, I worked like six months on that joke, but the riff about the guy being fat and ugly. That's a hit. Well, and you want to go, you guys should check out UFC.

Yeah, yeah. It's just this for like a half an hour straight. That's true. I love the UFC. It's like, these guys throw three punches, two of them land, maybe. The rest is just kind of jockeying for position, swings and misses. Yeah, and it wasn't even a great fight. It was a lot of, like, hitting the shoulder because they got the pads on it

everything. But I think that's part of the fun is that it's a different sport. So now they're doing another sport in the middle of another sport. Right. You know, it's like if you were playing a ping pong and you started blowing me. It's like the old joke. I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out. There you go. Hetty youngman.

So yeah, then you get to go at halftime. You get to pig out more and eat more and I'm talking to some guy. Half time of the hockey game. What do you call that? Intermission. Thank you. Intermission. Why can't we call it Half time. Well, it's thirds.

Ah. Half time would be, you know, ten minutes left in the second period. That's fair. All right. So I get in there. I'm in the green room. And this guy goes, hey, I saw you at Gillis's show. He's like a guy who works there.

And I'm like, oh, hey, cool. I barely baited to that when I had to sneak in. He was like, I heard the whole story. He goes, you want to take a photo on the ice after? Because he works there. And I go, oh, my God. So I tell the lady, I'm like racking up points here. This is huge.

Huge. So we got, I'll put, I'll send it to you. We'll post it. We go out there. Bam. Look at that. Right on the ice after the game, with a good buzz going. Did you put on skates?

No, you just shimmy out there like a baby deer. Like the coach. Yeah. And, of course, I had to do like a long run and slide. And then I fell. But you guys are like Rocky and Adrian. Exactly. Yes.

Give me the blades. Yeah. I got CTE. And we took a gay photo and then we went home and had sex. Wow. Center ice at Madison Square Garden. Magical Night. That's special. It was fun.

And everything she, you know, it's like a make-a-wish. And now she's in a league. Wow. So there you go. My wife's in a league. I'd want to fuck her with ice skates. Oh. Put the skates on, hold them up.

Yeah. That'd be cool. That could get dangerous. You got those two skates in the air. If she gets an orgasm, you might get scar-faced. The helmet? I'd have the helmet on, the mask, the shoulder pads. Yeah.

Fold. Put her a goalie stick in her ass. Ooh, now we're talking. A puck in the mouth. Oh, I like that. I mean, I do a bit about it, but she just want to use anything. Yes. The longer you're together, you're just like, give me anything.

Put on a fucking Ray Bork jersey and a hop. Although she's a goalie, so it might be hard to get in. Hey, you know. That mask is even better because it's hard to see the face. You can pretend it's Andy Mogue in there or some, you know, Reggie Lemplin, someone hot. Mogu Island. Yeah, so it was a great night Then the next day I was sick as a dog

So maybe I got something from Probably the garden 17,000 people there It's a lot of fucking germs Took a lot of hands But then I was sick I woke up sick as a dick And then I have to go to a gig

It was like your thing I had to go to Kentucky Oh Lexington Lexington, great club Great town but two flights So you get up early I've puked It's too late to cancel

So I say bye to the boy and I get on an Uber, get on a flight, and then in another flight, and you're just like this on the flight, like, uh, uh, and everybody's like, what's up with this guy? I got the puke bag ready. Brutal, you land, you go, maybe I'll, maybe I'll kick it. I got one show tonight.

I'll get through that, and then I'll, I should be good. One good night of sleep. Drug myself, wake up the next day. Worse. Yeah. Big head. So I do the thing where I, we're getting COVID. CVS.

Uh, 1.1 mile. All right, I'll walk it, I'll get some sun, sweat it out. Now I'm on the side of the highway in, you know, basketball shorts and a t-shirt, like, just walking down like kung fu. Like De Niro. That's not a bad De Niro. Hey, all right. It's not a great De Niro. It's not a bad one.

I'll take it. I hate Trump. Ah. Yeah. All right. That's pretty good. So then I go to CVS, the pharmacy's, closed for some reason. I just want to talk to the guy. I don't you just want to talk to the guy?

Of course. I just want to go, just what do I need? Tell me everything. Give it to me. You're a doctor. You know stuff. Well, I think I did I mention this in last week's episode? The lady at urgent care was like, you need this medicine. And then I went to the ear, nose throat. She's like, don't take that medicine. Oh, what's up with that? So I was like, oh, all right. So I, you know, this one's the specialist. Right. It was very curb. Yeah. All right. I guess I won't take that. And we don't know. It's like your Johnson Rod. Exactly. I got a listen to anything.

Sure. So the pharmacy is closed. So I just Google, I chatGBT, best thing for what I have. And they say, get a ZPack. ZPack. I've heard about the ZPack. ZPack. ZPack.

Shkore. So then I go, okay, what's the closest to a ZPak over the counter? And they say, nothing. Fuck you. Kill yourself. And I go, all right, great. So I just bought everything. Sudafin.

I got the nasal spray. I got the daze. drink. I got the day quill, the night quill, the morning quill, and T.J. Quill, and just left there with a big sack, and I'm just on the side of the highway, popping all of it. I woke up in the Hudson River in a sack. I'm popping everything. I'm drinking my Gatorade, and I just got back to the room and just, uh, two shows that night. You plow through, sell some merch. All right, tonight, I'm going to bed, tons of sleeping pill, all the pills again. wake up worse

three shows this is COVID you got COVID you're breathing all over us sorry why my wife just had it I didn't have it because I had it in November so I think you're fine I'm fucked I hadn't had it in years so it it was my turn

but yeah three shows 4 p.m. with COVID or whatever the hell I have and I pushed through and I never told the audience I'm pouring sweat I'm bombing the only thing worse than doing new material for an hour is new material while sick. Yeah.

My brain is, you got the slow brain, the smooth brain where I can't think of anything. You know, the guy's like, hey, I have no teeth. And I'm like, uh, what is it? Too hurdy? And they're like, boo, fuck you. What happened to this guy? We like your special. We hate you.

So, uh, that was the longest weekend of my life. Then you wake up at five the next day. You fly to Boston to go to Easter with the in-laws. Oh, Easter. You got to do Easter. Yeah. And Easter was great, but I just show up and everybody's like, he's here. How you doing, big guy? And I'm like, hello. I got an ice pack of my head. I got a thermometer of my ass. I got the red nose. And I'm just like blowing my nose all over the fucking honeybanked ham.

You're like Bill Pullman in Sleepless in Seattle. Yes. Wow. Good pull, man. Which is the most ridiculous plot ever. I've talked about it before. Other people have talked about it. What's the plot again? He's a big homo. She's got to leave him because he has allergies. Oh, that's right.

The whole thing is he's, like, he's sneezing. He's got bad allergies. But he's like a sweet, nice guy. Right. Like, she liked enough to say yes to the proposal. Yeah. But basically her and Rosie O'Donner are like, this fucking queer can't stop sneezing. Yeah.

You've got to ditch him for Hank's. Yeah, he's a puss. It's very strange. You're like, well, he's allergic. What do you want him to do? I know. That guy they didn't make up a Jew. That would have been a hate crime.

But also, who? What was while you were sleeping? What did that another Bill Pullman? While you were sleeping, that sounds like a horror movie. Wait a minute. Give that a good. While we slept is a Pearl Harbor book that I read when I was like 20. Ah.

Bill Pullman. I think he was in. Sleeping with the enemy? No, no. There was another Bill. He had a run for a while in the 90s. Bullock? Sandra Bullock.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, he's in it. Okay. While you were sleeping. Oh, what is it? Is it a thriller? No.

No, it's like a drama. It looks like. Drama com. Comedy, drama. Drama. That's the combo. But then he was the president in Independence Day. So he had a moment.

Yeah, a lot of people confused Bill Paxton and Bill Pola. I did for a while. Yeah, a very kind of similar vibes. Paxton, much cooler. Well, Paxton was Apollo 13, and that was a big Apollo 13 homo. Plus, then you had Twister. And, uh, uh, no. Simple plan.

That's the one. That's a great movie. He's good. Great movie. So, oh yeah, at Easter, we're doing the egg hunt. I'm like, I'm falling into the eggs, you know, it was really bad. And then finally the kids go to bed. And you're like, all right, I'm just going to sit here and wallow in it.

And then, yeah, fell asleep in the kid room. They have like a playroom. And I was like, I'm sleeping in the playroom because my snoring is so bad because I snore already that now with the congestion, it's like, Wilderbeast times eight. Wow. I wouldn't think of you as a snorer. Oh, big snore. No kidding.

Oh, my God. I'm sawing logs all night. The wife hates it. When I snore, it makes me want to kill myself. My wife will, like, elbow me and be like, you're snoring, and I'm like, I'm sorry, don't I'm a piece of shit. That's how I feel. You can't help it. I'm like, Hoffman in Boogie Nights.

I'm like, I'm so stupid. Oh, yeah. I'm an idiot. The old man snoring, so I had to sleep down. Downstairs, like, with all the toys. It's me and Teddy Ruxpin. Oh, that's fun. Yeah.

Did they come to life? I wish. No, no such luck. But then I'll get into the travel home with the baby, but you go. All right. I got a couple things, travel related. This is funky. This is wacky.

I need a break. I'm hurting. So, oh, so we flew to Fort Lauderdale, Miami. This is six months ago, but I didn't get a chance to tell this on the pod last time. So we get off, you know, you have. traveling with the child and the wife, it's a whole to-do. Oh, yeah. We were like on the back of the plane.

Normally, you know, I fly Delta Comfort Plus, whatever it's called, Comfort Plus. And then I got upgraded a lot because I'm super diamond, whatever the fuck. Oh, yeah. But the family. Dustin Diamond. They just pull me down. Sure. It's like I'm escaping prison and they grab my ankle and I can't do it.

I'm like the helicopter out of NOM. They're just like two fatso's pulling me down. I love the smell of Marty in the morning. So, I think that was a radio show. Maddie in the morning. That was like a big radio show in Boston. Okay. Maddie in the morning.

Maddie Smith. But anyways, so I'm like in the shit back of the play, like against the bathroom, Ro 78, X, Y, and Z. Oh, right. So we fly back. It's a long flight. We're there. And he's wiggling.

And he's on me in the cab. And then he's on me for a three-hour flight. Then he's on me the whole time. So he'd shut like a wiggly ass on you. we get off the plane. I'm carrying them now, and you just want to get home. It's been a long trip, the rain delays, and all the stuff. We get off, and we're going to pick up the luggage at the luggage thing,

or that's where we're headed. But the luggage pick up, there's a guy getting on the escalator going up to the gates, big fat guy, I look over, he starts falling down the escalator. And the escalator's going up, and he's like rolling down, but he's stuck in one place. It looked so funky from a distance. Because you're like, what am I seeing? It looked like he was in a washing machine. Because he was like up here and like flipping.

He would start to get up and then he would go down again. Yeah. But the escalator's moving. So it's like he's falling downstairs, but the stairs are moving up. So it's like this guy and he's a driver, I think. He's like a Latino guy in a suit. Yeah. Maybe that's rude that I just assume he's a driver.

Well, isn't that the Hedberg joke? You fall forever or whatever? Is it? I don't know that joke. Oh. I just remember elevators can't be broke. Oh, maybe you're right. I think a fat guy, maybe Stephen Wright, a fat guy falling down on an elevator will just keep falling.

I never heard that, but I witnessed it. Yes, yes. It was crazy, and his suitcase was there, and so, like, he was just like, bl-bl-gl-gl-gl-c. Oh, that's hilarious. And he would kind of get his bearings and be like, blug. Wow. It was the nudiest thing. And so another guy, like, went to help, and his wife of the guy helping was like, ah, Jimmy!

Like, it was crazy. The luggage is rolling. So I had the baby, and Sarah was, like, a few feet behind. I was like, I got a spring into action. I'm Batman. So I put the baby down. Like, Sarah, get the baby. So I run over and finally, as I'm running over, the guy's flipping and flopping, he kind of like gets his bearing somehow.

The other guy helps him. Yeah. He grabs the luggage. The luggage ends up, like, rolling down. Oh, man. The helper guy leaves. And by the time I get there, I kind of grab a shoulder and sturdy him. He must have twisted his knee because he was like, my knee.

I was like, are you okay? Those elevator are the sharp, those escalators. Oh, yeah. They're not easy. They're like clawy and sticky and gay. So then the luggage rolled back that way. The other helper left. And so I just rode, it's like a long elevator there at LaGuardia.

I ended up just riding up with him. It's just me and him. I'm like, oh, wow. That was crazy, huh? And I'm like, he's like, my knee. And I was like, are you okay? He's like, yes, yes. I'm like, all right.

So we just have like this long, quiet ride together. Oh, geez. And when we got to the top, his knee was all fucked up. And I was like, I'll go get your luggage. So I run down the stairs. and I'm like, I grab a suitcase and the wife of the helper guy was like, that's ours.

And I was like, oh, which one's his? She's like, my husband brought it up there. And I was like, all right. Well. So I just kind of did nothing. I mean, when I first got there, I did like a scoopy skits. A scoopy is something. Yeah, but then basically I just rode an elevator with an asshole.

Yeah. Was he hurting? Yeah, he was hurting. Like, his knee was all fucked up. It was one of the craziest sights though, because you know, like, it's like your brains and rods and cones are fucked Yeah, it's like a science project watching that. Because you're not used to seeing it.

So it's like seeing, you know, Rupert run or something. It's like... Polar bear on a tricycle. I wasn't expecting it and you're like, what is that? Because you just see a leg and a foot and a suit. Right. Whatever. So he runs up there, boobly boop.

Skippity pop. I tried my best to help. You know, the baby's crying. Sarah's shitting. Sure. And I go, woo. And I didn't even get the, like, what a man. Nobody was like, did anything.

because I was like, alright, well, I put my baby down. I ran over there. Yeah. I thought I was going to be a hero. I wanted to be like Chubaka at the end of the first movie where they put the metal on them and they sing. So that... There we go.

Chuck, you want to try it, Chewbacca? I'm so sick. Are you sick, too? I'm crazy sick, dude. Oh, geez. You guys are fucking me. In Fest Day is hotboxing. You got to be kidding me.

I texted you last night. I said I'm sick as a dog, man. You didn't say sick as a dog. You said, I got to touch something. bullshit. You said some bullshit. All right. Something about AIDS. This is crazy. Yeah. I had the thing...

We should have canceled. I thought we were going to cancel. Oh, you got one. You fucked me. You both fucked me. What did I say? You said, this is what you said. Checking the text. Stilography. I'm down for one.

I said sick as a dog, I think. Hold on. Right here. Right here. I'm a little sick, too. In my throat. I'm a little sick But I woke up Time has passed Oh

All right But you said I'm a little sick Well You were like I'm dying Sinus Bukin beach ball And then you wrote

I'm a little sick too Now you're over here going I can't do it Chubbocking Because I'm dying You guys fuck me I'm going out to Ohio To meet my ex-girlfriend

And her whole family And now I'm going to be sick Oh That's a mistake I got all this paella You got ketchup On it So any farts

So then I've been dealing with the vestibular neuritis. I'm all wet out. And I'm fat. I went to the doctor. The doctor's like, you weigh 196 pounds, you fat fuck. Wow, is that right? Yeah.

You're a string bean. Six to 194 pounds, baby. Twisted steel and sex appeal. Yeah, lean, mean, and cleafing machine. Well, I've been doing the kettlebells. I'm huge. There you go. So, but I'm like, I got to go on a diet.

But I got Easter Sunday, my birthday, and I'm going home for problems. confidence. Boston, all we do is eat pizza, go to the socks game, hot dogs, ice cream. Happy birthday. Thank you. All right. Big 44, baby. Yesterday. Quatro, or whatever, whatever you say.

I don't think that's right. I don't think that's right. B, four. Yeah. No, Cotorce, I think. Caronte Cantra is French. What's 40? What's 40? In Spanish.

Quattra? Quattre? 20, 22, 23. Yeah, Ventees. Starbucks. Quarenta yquachro. Quenta yquotra. So they say 40 and 4.

Yeah. Yeah, weird. Weird group. Anyways. So what day was it? Sunday. I'm like, I'm a fat fuck. I'm going to kill myself.

I got to go to yoga. I'm going to do some hot yoga. I love yoga. I miss yoga. I'm going to yoga. Maybe I'll bump into an X. So I schedule it. Here we go.

Hot yoga. I'm on my way over there. And I'm like, oh shit, I wasn't thinking. I got vestibular neuritis. Every time I bend over and tilt my head upside down. True. The whole world flits.

Like I'm on the Gravitron. Like Holbert. I'm all fucked up. Right. So I'm literally walking over there being like, wait a second. I can't do fucking yoga. I'm going to fall over and be all dizzy.

Don't do it. And also, that was Easter Sunday. So Easter Sunday were like, we'll go get a breakfast. So we go to this place we love in Tribeca. And I'd get four pancakes. Yeah. And I'm splitting it with Marty.

So he's eating all. all the eggs and some pancake. I'm just crushing pancakes. Then I have... That starts tomorrow. All right. So then I have a caffeinated beverage. I forgot the day before I ate at like 5 p.m.

because I'm trying to fast because I'm fat. Sure. So now it's like two hours later. I'm heading to yoga. I start getting the shakes and the jitter bugs. Oh, from the pan. Because I realize all I've had is four pancakes with quadruple maple syrup, a caffeinated beverage, and then I haven't eaten for 16 hours before that.

Oh. So I got my legs are shaking. shaky. My arms are shaky. Yeah, yeah. My asshole's bleeding. You're like salacuse. And so I'm like, I've got vestibular neuritis. I'm having a caffeine sugar attack. Yeah. I got yoga in seven minutes. I'm going to fucking pass out and die. Whoa. So I stop at Zucker's bagel shop. They're good. I just grab a croissant. Class is starting four minutes. So I just shove a croissant down my mouth. Like, that'll settle you because it can absorb. It'll absorb a little bit. I pound some water trying to flush out the whatever. Yes, yes, flush.

So I'm going in, I see the instructor. And I go, are you the instructor? She goes, I am. She goes, just to let you know, I got vestibular neuritis. And she's like, what is that? You fucking homo. And I go, well, it makes me all tilty and vertigo. He's vertigo, fuck yourself.

So if I start to tip over, I'm not dying. Sure. I just have this thing. So I'll feel it out and see how I feel. But if I'm taking child's pose, don't worry. I'm okay. Yeah, there must be old men in there that can't do this. They got to tend to them.

So she goes, okay, good, thanks for the heads up, because, you know, you never know what's going on. And I go, thank you. So then I go in there. And, of course, once it starts, you're like, I don't care what I'm doing. I can't be the asshole not doing the poses. You're in there. And it was tricky.

Because it's not so much when you're upside down. It's when you come back up, everything's wacky. But I'm like, I'll get through it. So about a half hour, it's 104 degrees in there. About halfway through it, we're doing our poses. I'm sweating. I'm getting through it. I feel good.

I'm like, how you doing? I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. Don't worry. We hear. She goes, huh? We look over. Big Fatso collapsed.

Whoa. Was it the escalator guy? No, different guy. Rupert collapsed. Wow. And I forgot to mention at the beginning, I should have mentioned this because this is better. Fuck, I blew it.

She was like, no one's here for the first time. This one fat guy in the corner was like, I'm here for the first time. Got it. And you just hear like a slip. Boom. Like a ton of fucking bricks. We look over it and he's dead.

He's like this. What? Out cold? Out cold? Out cold? Out hot. Out hot. It's like 105 degrees.

He's literally like this. I thought he was dead. Oh my God. He's like a lump of shit. And so the class stops and she's like, oh dear. Whoa. Let's all put our hands together and breathe. Yeah.

And you go over there. And this is one of those things where you're like, you know, I want to be a healthy guy. Sure. But then there was a big. Apple pie. African American game. just painting a picture. He was right there.

So he came over. She opens the doors to let some cool air out. He was close to the door because he was trying to leave. Yeah. So this guy like moves him up, which I thought was like, I think you're not supposed to touch him. Raise the blood, get blood to the feet, whatever. Put cookies in his mouth. So he kind of took care of it.

So I thought, you don't want to have too many cooks in the kitchen. Sure. Nobody wants the guy that's like, excuse me, my uncles are paramed. Yes, yes. So I'm just stand there watching. It's mostly women. So I'm just stand there and I'm like, this guy's got him. He's kind of dragging him out.

Then the guy, as they start to get him out, he falls again. He's like, he's got like jelly legs. Oh, boy. He just goes, bloo! And lands again. I'm like, all right, let me go get near them and see what's happening. I'm like, do we want to call an ambulance? Maybe this guy's like fainting and balking his head.

Sure. So I go up to the guy, I'm like, hey, sir, do you have water? And he's like, I got a bottle in there. It's the glass one. So I go in, I get his bottle. I'm like, dumping it on his tits. Sure. You got two ice packs.

Whoa. Like, did you hit your head when you fell? He's like, I don't think so. And I'm like, do you know where you are? He's like, yoga. I'm sorry. It's like a Western. Like he's like, tell Mama, I love her.

So we got the ice pack on his fat stomach. Another one on his fat head. And you're like, okay. And then the two like intern girls are come over. And the instructor's like, you guys got this? And they're like, we got him. So we just go back in the room and start yoga again. What did you do, wheel them out?

No, he kind of like. the black guy like helped him like arm and arm whatever and he collapsed again so I kept peeking over there and he was like just sitting on the floor like it's probably a heat stroke might have been a heat stroke the heat the fat don't do well in the heat

well he's very overweight never done yoga in his life and he just starts with a hundred and six degree class crazy where you're like buddy this is no good and it turns out he was fine and he ended up there afterwards we came out and he was gone he was like he was just embarrassed

that whole thing. Yeah. Is there cold yoga? I don't think so. There's just room temp. Oh, okay. Maybe that could be something. Well, I think the body constricts.

Ah. By the way, I went to the Flat Iron Bath House. Ooh. Sarah got me a gift certificate for last birthday. It took me a year to use it. We got to go. Oh, yeah? It's unbelievable.

First of all, it's the hottest people. It's co-ed. Oh, my Lord. The women, you can't believe, and they got a cold plunge pool. steam room, they got a sauna, they got a hot tub, they got a regular pool. You can spend the day in there. I went to one of these in No Lita, and it's all sex.

It's just naked people, sweating, wet, dripping, canoodling. Sexiest thing I've ever seen. It was crazy. They weren't flat iron. So just a last note on this yoga collapse. I had two different guys collapse in three days. What? Oh, yeah.

The elevator guy. You got the escalator and then the yoga. Yoga. So at the end, of course everyone's out there talking about it's like the Dane Cook joke With there's a car crash and you're like, I was in my room and I heard it. What were you doing? I was cleaning a dish. So everyone's like, oh my God.

And then one of these guys, the yoga guys goes, well, first he collapsed. He passed out on his mat first. Yeah, yeah. And I was like this. What? Yeah, people do this. But I'm like, you witness this man pass out on his mat and you didn't think to be like, oh, Pardon me.

Right. I'm like, that's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. That's insane. He was like, yeah. Well, first I saw him. He passed out on his mat. And I'm like, how the fuck?

What kind of society is this? Yeah, he could be dead. You're in a yoga class. And you see someone just like, oh, on their mat. Right. Go, oh, hold on. This guy just fell asleep involuntarily. Yeah.

What is he napping? Like, what are you doing? Come on. You could have died. And you would have been like, I actually saw him die a few minutes ago. Right. This is a country. This is a civilization. What do you call that? A community.

A society. A society, that's the word. Well, we live in New York. We step over dead hobos 24-7, so maybe we're numb. He said it like, yeah, that piece of shit was passing out earlier. I'm like, he's a human. Yeah, get it together, gay. Help him.

But anyway, so that guy is probably dead. Sure, but hey, hats off to the chunk of roof for going right into Bickram on day one. He tried, and the instructor was so nice and cool, great instructor, but I did feel like I'm like, you got to keep an eye. Like, somebody overweight is like, I've never been here before. I don't know why I'm whispering. Like, if she heard this, she wouldn't hear this part. Right, right.

But I'm like, you got to keep an eye on. Yeah, well, big is beautiful. You don't want to judge, I guess, but you should be judging. Yeah. I don't know those thing. It's like the old age, old thing of like, is a drug dealer responsible for an overdose or is the person responsible for their drug intake? I don't know.

Yeah, the chicken in the end. meth. But now have you heard this new thing where judges are being very lenient? And they go, hey, this guy molested seven kids, killed his wife, fucked his dad, and killed a chicken.

Ah, you can get out of here. We'll let you off. And now everybody's saying, should the judge be held accountable? Much like if I overserve you at a bar and you go out and run over a lady, or whatever, or just, walking to traffic because I over served you,

the bartender gets in trouble. Right. Now should a judge get in trouble when the guy gets off Scott Free for killing 12 people and then goes and kills another guy the next day? Yeah, that's a good question. That's percolating in the comments. Or what if

the president does an executive order to release everybody that attacked the Capitol and then it turns out one of them just got arrested for pedophilia? Is that right? That's what I heard. Oh, shit. Google that. January 6 pedophile. January 6 year old.

That's good. Are you using that? Take it. So, yeah, I mean, it feels weird, you know. The ear itch. Yeah, oh yeah, it's full. It's flooded. Oh, God, I'm going to get sick.

I can't hear anything. I'm foggy. I'm gay. Trying to connect my wife and ex-girlfriend. You're going to get me sick. I know. I don't want to ruin of that threesome. We'll see.

For some, I guess, with the hubby. Yeah, get him in there. What's he like? What's he like? I don't know. I haven't met him. I'm going to meet him tomorrow. I'm excited. He's a doctor. I've never met a doctor. I've never hung out with a doctor anyway. Ask him about my health, will you? I will. I'm going to ask him all kinds of health questions.

He's a lung doctor. I'm going to get a free x-ray. Now, I had a... You got it? It's been too long. I got it. Alleged U.S. Capitol rioter who heckled police for protecting pedophiles served jail time for statutory rape of a 14-year-old girl. There you go. That's probably what you're thinking of. So he is in jail.

Served. Oh, served. So he's a hero. All right. All right. Well, I had a thing at JFK where there was a bunch of ladies. You could tell it was like a bachelorette party. They were about to hit the plane and go to Tahiti or wherever the hell they were going. They were all jazzed up.

You know, whoa, go girl, big, big wedding. Yeah, they all had matching shirts, you know, those types. Yeah, yeah. So they were all at the top of the stairs at JFK. And they're all excited. But one of them had a bag the size of Rupert's dad. I mean, this thing was just a crazy luggage. bag.

And she couldn't, the escalator was broken, probably because of the fat guy. And she couldn't get the bag down. So I go, I got it. I grabbed the bag and I brought it down. And they were like,

ooh, you're a good man. You are a good man. We need more men like you. Bip, boop. It was very nice. But you want to go, so what's up with ladies?

You guys aren't strong? Ah. All right. Yeah. You want to get into an argument about sports. I see. But I said,

you're welcome. Thank you. moving on. But yeah, I got the credit, which feels good. That's nice. It was nice. So let me tell you about this walk home. Please. Christopher Walk home. I don't know. I'm sick. You got me sick. You're in your head. You're not sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. I got another one, by the way. What do you got? January 6th, rider, pardoned by Trump, gets prison sentence for possessing enormous child pornography collection. Oh, wow. That's the one I'm talking about. Yeah. Child porn. And his attorney said that he should be thrown out because

the only reason they investigated him was because of January 2nd. That's funny. That's hilarious. The other reason they investigated him because he was fucking trespassing on government property. Right, right. And what happens to the loot of porn?

All right. There must be a giant vault in the FBI of child porn they've just seized. They burn that? I don't think he can burn porn anymore. It's like on a... Oh, it's on a picture of videotape. Yeah, you can't just like pull the fucking...

film out. I was thinking of that. I'm a quief. All right. So Boston, you wake up with the boy. Now, I didn't realize I'm a piece of shit. To go to the airport and an Uber, the kid's got to be in a car seat. It doesn't have to be. What? You can just hold them.

Is that a law? We do it all the time. People do it. Okay. I think of a lift. I don't know what the law is, but I think that as long as you're not driving, you won't get in trouble. Well, Uber has a option to have a car seat car. Yeah. But they never are available. Yeah, it takes 75 minutes. Yeah, and they're like $800 more for some reason. So if you have an Uber, get a car seat, it'll, what of those cost

you? $80? You'll make your money back in two days. Good point. Because they can just upcharge for some reason. So we don't have a car seat, so we're like, all right, how the hell do we get to the airport without a car seat? And I go, let's just roll the dice. I bet we'll just hold him. And this you know, Hispanic guy picks us up, hello, we're just holding the baby. We're like, is this going to work? Never says a thing. The kid's jumping all up and down. Front

seat. He's grabbing the wheel. He's changing the radio. He's plugging it his phone. And we finally get to the airport after 30 minutes. Boy, you never stare at that ETA more. Right. When you're in a car with a kid. Yeah. You're just like, oh, 19 minutes. Oh, 14 minutes. Oh, hey, oh, God. Come on.

Then you hit traffic. It goes up to 15. You're like, ah! So, then we get to the airport he's flipping out the whole thing we finally get through security blah blah blah it's a 48 minute flight from Boston that's nice it's nice

he's going ape shit on the plane he's just he's got the it's nap time but he doesn't he can't get comfortable so he can't even blame the kid so he's flipping out I'm getting the turnaround by this gay guy he's like oh boy

I got like three turnarounds in a five-minute span. And I want to be like, you can't breed. We get it. You're jealous. Whatever. So I guess he can breed.

It's just... Yeah, you just need some extra elements. Yeah, lady. Uh-huh. So he's hates us. The anxiety's pumping. I'm sick. You're sweating.

He won't sit down. Doing the pitch. The... You know what he gets to a screech? It's one thing when they're crying, but the screech is crazy. You remember saved by the bill? Yeah.

So finally he passes out and we land. Right. Then he wakes up again. That's the worst. Yeah. We get him out there and I go, all right, we're getting an Uber. And she's like, hey, we got lucky with that first Uber. We got to get the seat, the car seat in the next Uber.

I'm like, all right, car seat on lift. Looking for driver. Should take a few minutes. I'm like, all right, all right. So I'm letting him run all over baggage claim. Get it out. Get it out. Huh.

It's like 50 minutes have gone by. Still nothing. So I go, fuck it. We're getting an Uber, and we're rolling the dice. All the Ubers are taken forever. So I go, hey, it's an Uber Shuttle. You know what the shuttle? I don't know what the shuttle.

Uber Shuttle goes from LaGuardia to Wall Street, LaGuardia to Brooklyn, LaGuardia to Soho. It does a few. It just does random places? Yeah, it's a bus, but it's an Uber. It's a sprinter. Oh, okay. But Wall Street, they're like 20 bucks. Wow.

But you're on there with a couple of weird ones. I see. But it's like a super shuttle, but Uber. Gotcha. So we get the shuttle, and I go, all right, two, shuttle. Wait a minute. Can I bring a kid on a shuttle? Do I have to buy him a ticket to the shuttle?

Hmm. He's under two. Under two. Fourteen months. Nine and a half weeks. All right. So we go, fuck it. Let's do it.

We're getting a little stressed. We bring him on the shuttle. Now the shuttle, he's jumping up and down. He's jumping in the backseatic couple. They hated us. Everybody hated us. He's hanging from the little. Yeah. And for somebody, this shuttle wouldn't turn the air on. It was blazing hot. We're all sweating. And I was too scared to bring it up because I had the kid. I have a kid screaming. Everybody hated us. There's no music. Just screaming. Hot. Couldn't say, hey, can you hit that AC? And he's going to go, hey, can you shut that fucking kid up?

That's what I kept picturing. So finally, we get to Manhattan. And I'm like, uh-oh, I thought we were going to Atlantic Barclays. And the guy goes, oh, we canceled that. I go, what do you mean you canceled that? He goes, yeah, we don't do that route anymore. And I go, well, that's what I chose. And he goes, oh, I must have just hardwired you to the Soho one.

What do you call that? Zipped it, twisted it, hooked it. Alterate it. Yeah, like I guess. Audible? Not audible. We're close. Abortion?

What do you call? all that when you default? Default. Maybe default. It's all default. Yeah. It's not default. So I click Brooklyn and it just sent me to Soho because that's the next closest thing. I should come by. Yeah, well, I was up town.

That was like Houston-ish. I see. All right. Plus, it was a long day. So I go, fuck it. We're getting out here. I had that moment where I had a blonde guy behind me. I go, where are you going? He goes, uh, flat iron. I go, oh, fuck. You know, it's just like, this is all wrong. I don't understand the shuttle exactly. I'll, I'll explain it off air, I guess.

But, uh, yeah, so we jump out and then we just get on the D train, go home, finally get home. The getting home took three hours. The flight was 48 minutes. But we got it. This is what I'm talking about. This is why I'm out of here, Jay. I know. Austin, I can leave my car there for like six bucks a day. I know. Crazy. Fifteen minutes. I'm home, baby.

Yeah. Then you got, you know, your texts are going the whole time because it's a Monday, so everybody's working. It's a nightmare. Oh, fuck. You finally get in,

and then the kid's like, what are we doing? Who needs it? Yeah. Too much. Too much. It's too much here. The records are too expensive to buy a gift for your buddy.

It's travel, the lifts, the cars, the cabs, the taxis. It adds up. You should move to Austin like Theo. I'm going to move to Texas, baby. That's going to solve all your problems.

No problem. Well, all my problems are New York City related. Antidepressants. It's all fucking traffic and traffic and subways and horseshit. And then I started crunching the numbers on a, all right, I go out into a set so I get a sitter. Or you go out to dinner with the wife, so you get a sitter. So dinner in a New York is, you got to spend 300-something with a glass of wine and a handy. and then you come back, you pay the sitter 150, and you're like, I'm out like almost a grand on a night out.

Yeah. Plus the Ubers and whatnot. Yeah, it ain't easy living here. It ain't easy being gay. So, all right, sounds like you're convinced. We're taking our talents to South Austin. Yeeha. Up here, I'm already gone.

I'm more of a Plano guy. Plano white teas. I don't know. Eh, that's something. Hey there, Delilah. Remember that song? Oh, yeah. I didn't like that song.

God damn, I hated it. Is that them? I think so. Play white teas. And who are the chain smokers? They're new. They're like... They've been around for 10 years.

Yeah, but plain what? Delilah was like the 90s, I feel like. No. Hayley Delilah. I mean, it was early 2000s, I feel like. That was after 9-11. All right. Well, give me Haylayer Delilah.

Yeah, maybe 2003, 2004, but I mean, 20 years old. Sure. Chain smokers, they're 22 years old themselves. the people. Right, right. So do you each have separate guesses? I'm going to say 07. Hey there, Delilah, could you suck my asshole? I'm going to say before 07. I'm going to say 0, 0, 0,05. Oh, hey, you got me. And then how old are the chain smokers? Give me chain smokers. How long these assholes been around? Do you think that's the band that's saying that? No, that's Claywight-T's. Yeah, yeah. Chain smokers came much later, is what I'm saying.

Yeah. I'm saying the chainsmokers were born in 2004, probably. No. The band or the human beings? What's the difference? Well, they went to the band form versus when were they born. Oh, yeah, give me both. Give me both.

They said they're active from 2012. Okay, that's pretty new. Three years later. All right, so that's 14 years. That means they got in their basement and started kissing on the lips and recording some bullshit. Before that. You want to know how old the members are? What am I?

Speaking Greek? Yeah. I don't know. I'm looking for this. I don't know them. Hold on. You keep going. All right, all right. Well, I got some plugs. Well, what does the chain smoker say? I don't even know. I just saw they're at March Madness. Oh, they did? Yeah, yeah. They did SNL a few years ago. I think somebody that we know was hosting.

Oh. I think it might have been Shane or Nate or somebody. I think it might have been Nate. Oh, oh. I think maybe I thought in my head it was like Nate's promoting chain smoking. Oh, that's funny. I could be wrong about that too. After you're done fine in the age, figure out who they hosted. for. There you go. Who's the musical guest?

But I brought them up because they played March Madness, which I didn't know they did that. There's a basketball game and all of a sudden two retards go up and start rapping. And I'm like, what is this? That's new. You got to, everything's got to be something. It's like, Schmoker's SNL. I'm just like hockey when there's a fight. I didn't know that would happen.

You get SNL and get the. That's the plan. Oh, I shit myself. 2017, April 8th, 2017. Oh, I know what it was. Louis was hosting. We saw them. Oh.

The episode I was at. Look at that. That's what it was. Did you hate them then? Chain smokers. Wait, 2017. So they made it to S&L in five years? I guess so.

That's pretty good. Yeah, that's not bad. Maybe they're all right, these smokers. Yeah, I was there. I saw them live, these fucking homos. So they were born in 85 and 89. Oh, that's much older than I thought. 85 and 37.

Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. They're like. So do they have to perform 10 feet away from the entrance? Oh, because it's smoking. I said. I was thinking. COVID or the year, because it came right after

the years. That's why I was confused. All right, anyways. So, uh, me too. Uh, where am I? What the fuck? This comes out in June, I think. April 20th. Oh. That's not so crazy. Yeah, we got what we're supposed to do too. Uh, April 20. Okay, well,

where am I? Oh, Los Angeles, May 7th, May 5th, the Tuesdays with Stories podcast. In LA. Netflix Fest. May 7th, I'm doing the Hollywood Improv. And then Ari's show is out right now. The end. Oh, that's right. Go buy it. You can buy the individual episodes, but just get the whole season. It's like 30 bucks for the whole season.

Yeah. It's like $3.50 an episode. It's worth it. I mean, it's too many bangers. They're all spread out. You've got to see it all. It's like seven hours. It's going to be so good. So please go buy that. Check it out. There's a direct-to-consume. A pre-sale, too. That's got to be over by the time. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Let's code is the end. I don't know. So anyways, go do that. Go check that out. Get on the Patreon. We're fucking hitting it hard. the Patreon. We got a new hot gay sets.

We just recorded whatever the hell it's called. A video is going to be up there of us running around doing shows. And I got the big Europe, Glasgow, Bristol, London. We added a show, Dublin, Belfast. Wow. And a bunch of other fun stuff coming. Hey, all right. Adding shows in the UK.

That's cool. I'm in Chattanooga, Tennessee, folks. You're not going to want to miss that at the Walker Theater. Then I'm in Raleigh. Casino Raman on. Don't forget Regina and Moncton, Canada at the Molson Canadian Center. Side Splitters, Spokane Comedy Club, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempe, Arizona, Roy Luke, Michigan, the Netflix Fest.

Get on the Patreon, quiff it up. Praise Allah. Trump stole my line. I'm gay. Next will be saying Kevin Hart. See you all in hell. Hey, Chuckie. Chuck.

check on my podcast Fun Barable and doing a very fun film project still looking for some backers to finish it up Joe saw a bunch of scenes the other day Oh yeah I watched a bunch of stuff

While we were paying check to film us He was showing us in sitcom It's very funny There is very funny And yeah if you want it back It's insane Right isn't it? Yeah it's fucking crazy

Like the stuff we pulled off Yeah yeah it's like so wild Yeah All right Mark saw one thing You saw the jewelry Very funny But yeah

If you're interested in getting involved in a fun thing like that and backing, just find me on at discount shock on Instagram and Twitter. Good stuff. You hear that stop up?

Nothing's coming out. Oh, it's coming out. It's flying all over the place right into my mouth. All right. We'll see you next time. I'll be sick next episode. Yeah.