Tuesdays with Stories! - #653 Super Flu Jimmy Snuka

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

Mark gets the super flu! Then Normado gets pressured into an automobile hygiene fix before giving an inappropriate pep talk to a hockey team! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/ - Click the link http://kalshi.com/r/TUESDAY or download the Kalshi App and use code TUESDAY to sign up and trade today! - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - Save 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/TUESDAYS with promo code TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. The monkeys, it's early, I'm girly, and you're squirley. Todd Gurley, it's nice outside, folks. Here's the thing about New York. Please. Here's where New York takes a throbbing cock and rams it into your ass. That's what it does here. That should be on the flyer, the brochure.

Philadelphia Flyers. Well, so it's miserable. It's cold. It's cloudy. It's rainy. It's snowy. It's jizzy. It's dark at 4 p.m.

For like six months. months. Oh yeah. Hell on earth. Then, do-and-do, here comes the sun. The clouds part. The sky turns blue. The sun comes out and every flower, dick, and hairy, and leaf just spreads little anal shit right in your eye. My eyes are all itchy. I'm walking around yesterday. I'm like scratching my eyes with my finger. I'm like, I got a rake in my eyes. I want to just scoop them out. I say, give me the clouds and the rain and the snow because my eyes are tearing them out of my head. God about the pollen and the allergies, Jerry. It's in my hair. It's in my foot. It's on my nuts.

You need the Clareton D. Well, Clareton D. You got to be careful. Oh, why's that? You take the Clareton D-24. I did that once. Uh-oh. It's like doing smoking crack. Oh, it gives you a jolt, Jerry. Oh, I was jolted, but you can do the Clareton D-12 hours.

Oh. Take that early in the morning, but I took the Clareton D-24, and I went into a loop of no sleep. Oh. Because I didn't read the small print or the big print. Is that the one in meth? Yeah, I think it's behind a glass case, like the chicken wings. So is the toothpaste now. I mean, it's all back there.

Yeah, yeah, it's everything. Dipers. Yeah, you've got to bring the doorbell. Yeah, Rupert's pissed. But any farts, yeah, so I was itching my eyes out. And it's supposed to be. And then how about this? We're coming up on Patriots Day.

I go every year, the Marathon, the Red Sox game. Everybody knows. I'm a survivor. There you go. I'm not going to give up. So we go to the game every year, and every year you think this must be the year, it's going to be nice out. Crocbutt. Because it's 50 degrees.

It's raining. It's snowing. The old man is blowing. Yes. So this year, Wednesday, 85 and Sunday. Thursday, 78 and sunny. Friday, 69 and sunny. Saturday, 73 and sunny.

Sunday, Sunday. Sunday. I'll take it. Monday. 43 and cloudy. No. I'm like, are you, cocking me?

Cocking you're right in the pooper. It's a fucking four-hour baseball game. We're going to be sitting there in 44-degree weather. The team sucks. Yeah. It's stupid. 44. God damn, what do you do?

Hit the fives. Give me a 50. Over 50 I can hang. Well, that's my cutoff. Under 50 is my winter coat. It's 49 I go winter coat. 48 winter coat. 51, I'll go a layer.

Yes, yes. It's amazing what that five can do to you, but damn, that sucks because you're out there three hours, Jerry. Oh, it's a long day, and it's just, and it doesn't matter. It's kind of like when someone gets a scratch ticket and they're like, I was off by one number. Right. You're like, but it's a lot. It doesn't matter. That's stupid. It's everything. One number is everything. It's the same with weather, but somehow it does hurt that it's like, but it's 85, two days earlier. Of course. It's still the same result, but it feels. Well, it also feels because New York has a way of turning that knife. It knows, oh, you got the baseball game today.

Well, we'll get them that day. See you later, Faddy. But I'll tell you this about New York, and you know it, as well as I and as well as anyone. You know, for three months, I'm like, I'm getting out of here. Which, by the way, this Austin rumor spread, Shane Gillis texting was like, hey, welcome aboard, buddy. And I was like, oh, boy, it reached the top. Man, the Gazette. It reached the top of the pyramid.

Beep-de-beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It's a bulletin. Jay is like, what do you thinking? What are you doing? You can't leave? I'm like, fat, cut went to Jersey. He lives in, yeah, he lives in where of the fuck. He's got jeans shorts over in Hackensack. So, oh, what was, oh yeah, yeah, no, this is it. So you're like, I'm going to leave, I'm moving, forget about it, buy me a house, print it, sticking on the bumper sticker. Driveway, fire pit, backyard. No taxes. But then the sun comes out, blue sky, the women take their assholes out. The legs and you go, what am I talking about? I'm staying right here.

I wrote my bike all over town yesterday. You know what it's like? It's like in college, I was dating a lady, and she put on quite a few LBs. I mean, she really ballooned like Oprah. And I was like, whoa, this is quite a shift, tectonic. And then I was like, all right, a couple months went by. I was like, I don't know how to deal with this, high retention, high blood pressure. She was in a rascal.

And then one day she just lost it. And I was like, I love you. I fell back in love with her because she got thin. Right. Yeah, why not? You don't want to love a fat person. No, no. I was feeding her croissants and compote.

But now she's back and it's like New York. Once you lose the weight, you're like, oh, yeah. I remember you. Well, this is, and we've talked about this before in the podcast. Everybody pretends they don't care about their partner's body. Do we? I don't. What are you kidding?

They act like, you know, and even women, like, I'm not into muscles and the thing and the whatever. I'm like, you're telling me I show up with fucking plate chest with the divider thing and abs and big traps, you're going to be like, you're going to be bummed out? Exactly. Yeah, you've got

quads and huge guns. They love a gun. They want guns. America loves guns. Yes, school's shooting. This guy has a gun, I'm sure of it. The whole neighborhood's backing. Oh, boy, this is a neighbor. There was a cook over there and he's eyed me. I was on the phone

with Danny Frankel, and I was like, I got to start running. Like, what? I'm like, I'll call you back. Yeah. This guy was tractor beam. Well, Frankl's upstate with his short ass. I know. He tries to get me to move up there. See, that would be feasible.

But you still got the taxes and the anal. Massive, wild taxes, horrible traffic. And I want to be closer to the club, not further away. Wow. Oh, I see. Because Austin. Austin could be 11 minutes from the fucking, whatever it's called. Mother.

Mother ship. There you go. All right. Well, I don't know. I'm not moving. We'll see it. Okay. Whoa, we got it. There we go. We got it on record. Not moving.

Well, we'll talk. I don't want, you know, the rumors are abound. We've got time. We'll figure it out. Okay. We'll see what happens. But, hey, it's good to have you back. We missed you.

But, yeah, this is going to be a glorious summer. The boys are going to frolic. I took my kid to the park all Sunday. He's tan now. We stayed outside from fucking noon till 8 p.m. It's good for the kids. kids, but here's the thing now with summer. Uh-oh.

When summer comes, it's hot. Now you're like, well, let's live. Because, you know, people go out less. The comedy club, the ticket sales go down a bit in the summer, so you don't tour as much. So I'm like, we'll go to Maine, and then I'm going to California because I got offered to play in a baseball team again for a night, which is very fun. That's going to be July 21st or something like that. The whitefish? Different than the whitefish this time.

This time it's California, northern, up by San Francisco. I forget the town. The wildfires, the hobos, what's the team? The homos or the hobos. Both words. The Mexicans, who knows? So I'll get the details. So I'm going out there.

What town? I can't remember. Okay, okay, sorry. And then I got to go see Derek out in Tacoma. Big D-12. And then you start looking at all the things, and then I'm going on vacation in Cleveland. We'll get to that. And then you'll read all the stuff.

Yeah. And you're like, I'm home like four days during the summer. Well, you're living. That's true. I am living. You're living, fan. We only got a couple of these summers left. Who the hell knows what's going to happen?

Maybe Iran's going to blow us. So that could be fishy. But what are you talking about? We destroyed everything they have a year ago and three weeks ago, and then six weeks ago, then two weeks ago, then one week ago, but we're still in danger. It's very confusing. I'm the gay of Hormuz.

I don't know what's happening. Very confusing. One thing about war, you learn about stuff. I never heard of a Hormuz. Yeah, yeah. I know Hormel, chilly. I know a couple of Hormouses. I fucked in college.

I didn't go to college. things like I'm sheetrock to the stage. Remember that? Nick T'polo, folks. Boy, he's got a million. Good times. Good times. A moose. They say moose kill more people than sharks. Is that right? I made that up, but I would be willing to bet I'm correct.

Well, I think you hit the moose. It goes to the windshield and you die. And I know sharks attack a lot of people, maybe they don't kill so many. They don't kill, and you've got to be in the water with a shark. A moose, moose are everywhere. There's moots on Flatbush Avenue. I mean, meese are held all over the town. I think there's more sharks than there are moose. Moose are in like 10 places.

Maine, Canada. That's it. Hit me, Faddy. What do you got on the mease? Yes, moose kill more people annually than sharks do. Chocolate moose. Sharks account for a very low average of about four to six human deaths worldwide yearly. See, sharks are like cops.

Everyone thinks they're killing everybody. But I think it's just a stigma. It's a stigma, but I think they bite so much. They bite. They bite. If you factor, it's one of those things where it's like that one step, but if you factor in everything, sharks are more people are probably getting attacked by sharks and are getting attacked by moose. Agreed. But now look up, are there more moose or more sharks on the earth?

On the earth? Well, yeah, what are we talking about? I'm talking about America. Oh, America. And how do you keep a track of a shark? How do you know how many of there are? They could be a shark in a well somewhere. They know everything.

They use GPS or whatever. Okay, okay. Who team is the sharks? San Jose. San Jose. Vastly more sharks. Okay. Because moose, I think there's like 15 moose.

But that means moose are pretty violent if there's vastly more sharks and the moose are doing the predominant amount of crime. But I think you hit a moose. They don't just run up and start eating you. Does that count hitting a moose? That's got to be what all the deaths are coming from. Well, it says they're super aggressive.

Oh, is that right? That's what it says about moose, yeah. Because if you hit me in a car and you die, that's not on me. And that ain't on the moose. Oh, okay. Good point. I have a point. I don't know if I can look up that statistic.

Oh, you're lazy. You can look it up. What are you talking about? We're looking up if you died in an accident with a moose. Does that count as a moose kill? That's right. The moose is loose. All right.

I'll ask chat GBT. I chat GMT all day every day. Boy, wouldn't you love to get a record of some of the questions people ask that fucker, huh? Oh, there's a record all right. It's all. out there. It's in the cloud. Sam Altman has it all or whoever the fuck.

What's up with him banging his sister? You see all this? I didn't see any of it. I don't know. I can't. I'll send you a link, Faddy. It's ugly. Well, that's kind of fun.

Claimed that she, you know, ard. Oh. Her. So what do we got? Chuck's got, oh, that was so hard. He's already got an answer. Look at this.

All right. It's not in an official sense. A moose kill list, which is what I put in, usually means intentional kill. Wow. So Mace are just like really attacking people. I think so. Yeah. They attack people that are going after they're young, right?

Oh, super, super protective. Oh, so like a moose hunter, they come after them. Wow. Who's wearing, who's a duke's provoking a young moose? What was the deal with a gun that Elmer Fudd had where it like funneled out? Remember it was like a big round circle? Yes, yes. What kind of gun is that? Is that a buck shot or it's a spread? It's like a spread shooter. Yeah. It looks like a trumpet.

Yes, I remember that gun. Like a suction cup. Yeah. And then you'd plug it. Yeah, or tie it in a knot sometimes. Or tight a knot. That was big. I love cartoon physics.

Yeah, cartoons are fun. All right, I looked at what gun did Elmer Fudd have. Oh, boy. It says a double-barreled shotgun. Oh, I thought he had one of the ones with the thing. He had a couple. He had a couple of guns. What was that?

Look up trumpet gun or whatever. Suction cup trumpet. All right. All right, we're getting out of hand in. We're using too much Google. Well, Chuck just doesn't want to work. Look at him. He says 10 a.m.

First of all, I know Chuck. He wakes up at 1P. I know that because there's been about 12 incidents of someone calling me and being like, hey, just so you know, you said the N word six times in this episode. Oh, yeah. Chuck puts it out. So I got to call Chuck 50 times. It goes straight to voicemail.

Yeah, he's snoozing. Wakes up at 2 p.m. Meanwhile, I'm sweating, and I go on the phone with my publicist, my PR, tart, and whatever. We should get you a cot out here. You can just sleep in the office. You never have to wake up.

Yeah. We should have like the red phone they have with the nuclear weapons. Oh, the red phone. So, and then I told you I hired him for a crew. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made in my life. We have a Zoom meeting. He's the last one on by 30 minutes.

He's got one eye open. Late to Zoom is bad. Zoom late. And then, of course, we're like, who wants to fill what? Chuck's like, I'll do the midnight to 8 a.m. Shift. Because he's out squalling for bitches out there.

Well, you need the midnight guy. Because Salacuse, he gets tuckered out at six. Salacuse. Rest in peace, Salacus. What, did he die? I hope. Okay. This guy.

Salacus. Three hours left in the festival, he's like, I'm out. I'm pretty sleepy. I'm like, okay. Big finale, big concert. Everybody's there. Everybody's partying with the music thing. Goddamn comedy gym.

Everybody's crying. I'm sorry. motions, Lewis. It's like, take it easy. He's like, I'll be in bed, I'll see in the morning. Yeah, it's Woodstock, and the stones are about to go on. He's like, ah, that's it for me. All right, there's a second gun that he has.

Yes, the suction cup gun. Says in some older Looney Tunes gags, I'm one of fun to shown with a blunderbuss. Oh, blunderbuss. A title. An old-fashioned gun with a big trumpet-shaped open. Hey, hey, what? Trumpet supporter.

A blunder bus. How about that? That sounds like a... That's a good term for a fuck-up. Oh, this whole show's a big blunderbust. Yeah, blunderbust is big. Like cluster fuck. I want to come under blunderbust.

Ooh. That's a blunderbust. Yeah. A blow's you and you come on her tits. I like it. That's pretty good. See, isn't that funny? That gun was just living in your head.

Yeah. Just stored away in your cloud. The brain is so fascinating. Fascinating. What you can recall and then what you can't recall. Right. People would Chuck would just tell me a memory about some guy I called ugly, and he's like, remember that?

I'm like, no. Yeah. I don't. And it was like three years ago. I had the same thing. And it's also funny when a horrible thing happens to people, they can put it away. Right. And then a therapist goes, yes, you were dittled.

Then they go, you're right. I just remembered. Well, I believe that's part of blacking out when you're drinking. Your brain is like, he reached a point. We don't want to remember this. Right. Like, I shit in a girl's shoe. part of my head was like,

well, he's about to take a dump in a shoe. Let's turn off the lights because we don't want him living his life thinking about this. That's nice. The body's very nice. It can be cruel. Sometimes you're laying in bed. You're like, oh, I did wet the bed that sleepover. That was bad. Sometimes it pops in, but like,

uh, wait, I had a thing. Shit on the shoe. Oh, like the shark attack. How many stories of the shark attack whether you hear the guy and he's like, I fucking blacked out. I felt no pain. I was just trying to get. out of there and you're like, you felt no pain, your legs hanging

off. And he's like, I went in a shock. Well, it's like our pal Doug Smith. He was attacked with a razor blade or a box cutter. Yes. Slice his face like the Joker. Yeah, exactly. He had no idea. He was walking around. They were like, hey, just so you know, your fucking teeth are visible. That's right. Yes.

I told the story recently about Derek's buddy from school. He got shanked. I just told it a couple weeks ago. And he was in a cab. The guy's like, get out, you're bleeding. And he's like, what are you talking about? You're bleeding, is unbelievable. Spleen removed. They had to take a spleen out. threw it in the garbage. He had no idea. Women get mad. You didn't notice my haircut.

Bitch. I didn't notice my stab wound. That could be a bit. Hey, maybe we got something here. We're mining for bits. Yes. Can I have it because Sam's calling me tomorrow to bounce bits? Sam Borell, he's like, you want to bounce bits? I'm like, I don't have anything. He's like, that's okay. I'll call you in 10 minutes. I'm like, I can't bounce if I don't have a ball.

I got nothing, Jerry. You got no ball. You're ballless. I'm literally walking around my house because he's calling in seven minutes. I'm like, picture frames, plants. Why do you have a plant? Right. Audience plant. Fuck me. Couch. Robert plant. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Plant a seed. Oh, boy. Planner fasciitis.

Hey, planter. She's good. Yeah. Well, we'll get to that. Yes, please. Hey, fellas. It is time to level up your dick game. Get that penis harder than it ever has been. Blue-chew gold. Not silver. Not browns. Bronze? Bronze. Bronze.

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That's promo code Tuesday when you sign up to get $10 when you trade $10. Calci, put your money where your prediction is. Good stuff. So let me throw some stuff at you there, Sloppy Jaloppy. Please, I got no stuff. Okay, I got some stuff. Thanksgiving stuffing. So as you know, we were supposed to do two of these beauties last week,

and I got deathly ill with the super flu. Superflu. You guys were here. Superflu Jimmy Snooka. Thank God no one caught it. Yeah. Because that was a... I haven't had a sickness that...

It was like I had a ribbon going through me of poison. I could feel the illness inside me. Usually you're queasy, your head hurts, you're stuffy. This was like funky. I felt gross. I felt crummy. I can't even describe it. Like, COVID, you just feel shitty.

Right. This was like, I had some evil in me. Yeah, the spirits got you. It got me, Jack. And I couldn't get out of it. And so I've tried all the Sudafed, blah, blah, blah. I tried time. I tried this.

I tried vitamin D. I tried hot sauna. Whatever. Nothing. So I called my agent. And I said, hey. Called your agent. What are you, Tom Cruise?

I called my agent for my parents. I text my agent, I go, I'm sick. you guys make money off me. You got to help me out. I can't work. Thank you. So he goes, hang on. I have a doctor.

Maybe I can get him to help you out. I go, thank you. So the doctor texts me. He goes, hey, I'm whatever's guy. These guys are very powerful, these Jews. And he goes, I'm whatever's agent. And what do you got? Hit me with the symptoms.

And I went, this, this, this. And he goes, oh, yeah, I know this. I'm going to write you a script. Give me the address for the farmman. see, got the script, changed by life. What did it give you? I got it up there. It's all these wacky black people names, you know, Fadabadoo and Sikata, and

Mono conchamature, something like that. And so what do you? You take a pill and then... I mean, this was a bag of shit. It was like a... It was like Halloween. I had this kind of pill. He's like, you take six of these a day.

Then you take one horse pill every two days. Then you take these rubbery ones every 10 minutes. It was such an ordeal. I had to, like, memorize and do all the instructions. But I hate to be this guy. Isn't it also, time is also passing? Sure, sure. So you're healing.

He said this thing lasts about two weeks. I'll knock it out in a week. Okay. So I saved a week. Okay. You sound a little funky, but you look better. I'm getting there. I'm still in the upswing, but I'm at 85.

Okay. Before I was at three. Oh, Jesus. So I go to the farm. I go to the pharmacy and I, you know, they don't know what's good. It's a shit show over there. There's 8,000 people in line. And I go, hey, my guy called it in and they go, we don't have anything.

And I go, huh, he said he called it in. They're like, no, nothing under your name. So I text a guy, hey, they don't have anything. And he goes, what? I sent it in like two hours ago. And I go, yeah, he said he sent it in. They go, we have nothing, sir. And they just want you to go away.

Right. So I text him again. They said they have nothing. He goes, I talk to Jack. Jackie. And I go, he said he talked to Jackie, and they go, Dr. Jackie, hang on. Here it is. Here it is.

Wow. She's like the wolf. Yes, but what are they doing over there? Well, sometimes I think, as I've had a similar thing at the pharmacy. I just had this. Similarly, the other day, I had to get a prescription for my fucking wacky head. And it was the same thing. Not the same thing, but similarly, I get the phone call,

the automated it. You have a prescription. I go over there, I go, hey, I got a prescription here, buddy. step on it. I got some wacky head the other night. And they go, what was his name? I go over there, they go, yeah, no prescription. It'll be ready about 20 minutes. I got the phone call.

I get the robocall. And he goes, well, I don't know what to tell you, asshole. Yeah. And he goes, it's going to be 20 minutes. Then I leave. And then eight minutes later, I get the robocall again. And so now I'm all jacked up ready to like... Yes, yes. And I'll go, hey, I got another robocall. If you don't pull it out of here, and he goes, yeah, here it is. But also, you're like, but

the medicine is here. You're not making the medicine. Exactly. Just give me the Give me the medicine. Put it together. So who's Jackie? Did you meet her? Jackie's the head honcho over there. She's the main coos in a lab code.

Jackie? So here's the clinker. The guy goes, oh, I'll do it right now. Jackie, you know, Jackie put the foot down. So now he's putting all the pills in a whatever. And the line is long. It's tense. Everybody hates everybody.

The pharmacy is going to close in 30 minutes. Everybody's trying to get their shit. So this is where it gets interesting. Thank God. The, there's an old black guy shows up. He's got a cane. He's waiting in the line. And he goes, yeah, blah, blah, blah.

Where's my stuff? And the guy goes, oh, that's not ready. And he goes, what do you mean? It's not ready. I got the call, whatever. And he goes, yeah, yeah, it's going to be like another 30 minutes. And the guy's like, 30 minutes. I've been here for like 45 minutes already.

And he goes, I don't know what to tell you. And he goes, y'all need to grow the fuck up. He's yelling. He goes, you guys got to get your shit to. together. We ain't playing. These are pills. This is people's health. This is heart medicine. I'm trying to get. I'm trying to get heart medicine. I could die tomorrow. You want to live with that? You okay with that? And the guy's like, you know, it's just a guy with cornrose who's like, I don't know, sir. I'm just saying, I just, and he's like, you need to grow up. He kept saying

that. You need to grow up, which I love. This is great. Your pharmacist has cornrows, by the way. Hey, it's Brooklyn, baby. It's all the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. I know. It's wild over there. So, The guy starts... Or a row pharmacist. And then the kid goes, we'll make it happen, sir. We'll make it happen. He, like, you need a drill sergeant every now.

He was like a football coach. He's like, I don't care what you got to do. You got a scrimmage. We got to win this game. I don't know what scrimmage is. I was about to say those exact words. Yeah, so... We got a scrimmage.

It's do or die. What is that? Where you get together? Scrimmage is like a pretend game. Like, you know, scrimmages for fun. That was exactly the wrong choice. Yeah, yeah. So we got a...

Super Bowl. Yes. Playoff game. There you go. This is the playoff. We got heart medicine here. This ain't no fucking D12. This ain't a scrimmage.

This is the playoff. There we go. So the guy goes, all right, we got it. We got it, sir. Hang on, he goes, you damn right, you got it. And he just sits there and waits.

And I was like, I wish I was that guy because I'm going, oh, I heard Jackie. Thank you guys. Oh, okay, it'll be right there. Oh, wait. You know, I'm that guy. And this guy's like Tyler Durden. He's the guy I want to be.

I'm Edward Norton. You got to be motherfucker what the fuck. Yeah. Motherfucker, what the fuck. So this guy whipped the whole place into shape. Everybody's getting their pills. They're throwing pills out. People are ketchup in their mouth like seals.

It was incredible. Like Trump with the paper towels. Yeah. So I go home and I just start devouring. And what I do, and maybe this is illegal or unhealthy, they say take five pills, I take 10. That makes sense. I go, we're putting this shit right in my ass and we're getting these AIDS out of here. Whatever the pharmacist says, you double it.

That's my rule. I thought you were going to say you'd chew them up a little bit. When I took Vicodin, I'd like to bite into it. Oh, yeah. Hit you a little harder. I get that. I'll snort a mucidx. So, got home, took all the pills, and you can immediately feel your body like, whoa.

What's going on here? It's like Iran and America going at it. They're like rushing Ukraine. You can feel your body's like, I want to stay sick. And the medicine's like, fuck you. We're coming in. It's like ice in there. Right.

A lady got shot in the face. It was crazy. I love medicine. I'm a big medicine guy. One thing goes wrong. I say, give me anything. Because the placebo effect alone is wonderful. Agreed.

You just take a pill. I'm like, okay, it's working. Something's working in there. Well, we talk about, oh, we got too much phones and we got too much technology. We all need to touch grass. Everybody needs to sit the fuck down and go, thank God for modern med. Believe me. You're talking to the right guy.

That's what I've been yelling at about. all this shit the last five years. These fucking idiots act like, oh, my God, the FDA is this and that, this and that. I'm like, well, I have a headache. I take Tylenol. You know who came up with that? The fucking FDA. Yeah, yeah. But whatever the fuck.

They did it. The pharmaceuticals. Beyond antibiotics. I mean, chlamydia, all this shit, you can just cure it like that. Like syphilis took down Al Capone. And vaccines. They're good. Polio, Jerry.

Jesus Christ. Yes. Ralph Lauren Polio. COVID vaccine saved hundreds of thousands of people. There you go. Thank you. So, yeah, modern medicine, it's a godsend, and anyone who shits on it, how about don't take it. How about you sit with this one out? Right.

We'll be over here popping pills. Or don't take it, but then take other medicine all the time. That's silly. These people are silly. RFK, he's an idiot. The oxycott and shit got bad. But that's a whole different bag of gages. Absolutely.

That's a bunch of greedy fucks who go, hey, well, these, uh, you know. Forklift drivers are really addicted here. We're making a ton of dough. I've got a bag of jizz in my pants right now. Hey, all right. So, good news, got the pills. And weirdly enough, you were sick. You went to Florida.

Yeah. I was sick and went to Florida. Oh, yeah, we fought Lauderdale, back to back. Back to back. Now, tell me about the shows. Did they start on time or what? No. But I've never had a club more attentive.

They were so almost to a fault where the guys Like, you need anything? You need anything? And I was like, I'm good, man. I'm good, thank you. I'm just going to sit here and tell jokes and eat a meal and then tell more jokes and then that's it. Well, I was just talking about this.

And I might come off like a cunt here. Please, please, cunt off. And hopefully not. But this is one of the hard things. And I was on the road with my family, which makes it harder because you're babying, you're chasing the thing. Sometimes you go to the club

and I think people don't realize how badly sometimes, particularly when you have a child, but you just want to be like, I want to be like this. Of course. Just alone drifting off into space. But sometimes you get to the club and you get in the green room

and then, of course, you're bumping his fans on the way in. So you're like, are you walking in? Which is very pleasant. Hey, how you doing? Thanks for coming. All right. Great. Happy to see you.

Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. Thank you lot. Thanks a lot. Photo. All right. Great. You get into the green room.

You go, okay. Let's settle in. We've got a big show. And then immediately it's, come on in. Hi, I'm the waiter. Just wanted to let you know. I'll be working the thing.

Do you want anything? You go, I'm good. I got the water. You got the berries. Thank you so much. Appreciate my order later. Okay, great. See you later.

Okay, so we got one... Hey, I'm the sound guy. How much time will you be doing? Okay, what kind of song do you want? Okay, great. That sounds great. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Hey, I'm the MC. How you doing? Okay, great. It'll be great. And then you go,

Hi, I'm the general manager. Where do I make the check? And you go, God, damn it. I just want to sit in a room quietly and prepare and go over your material a little bit. And it's a lot of do-do-do. And all those things are necessary, but I don't think they realize because the sound guy's like, I just went in once. What's the problem? You're like, I know you won it once, but it's 17 guys in a row, and I'm one guy.

And here's my other thing. And this might sound crazy, but I'm like, don't knock. Just walk right in it. Because I'm not going to be jerking off in here. I'm not going to be saying the N-word in here. I'm just chilling. The knock actually spooks me. I'm like, ah, and then you've got to go, come in, and they can't hear you.

Right, right. It's always come in. So just pop in. That's how I feel. Just cramer your way right in. Yeah, and I know, and look, this is Fort Lauderdalee prop. Great club. Leah was awesome.

Brandon was awesome. Everybody was super cool. But you need the light. That one club with that light on that, you know, could flip a light, and that means come in. Oh, yeah. And if the lights off, I'm good. That's smart. And I think Spokane has that and a couple other ones.

That is the most brilliant. Every club got a video thing. Every club got a clock. Every club got a whatever. Give me the fucking light outside the green room. That's good. That's big. Yeah, that's nice.

But yeah, it's a lot of like, hello? Okay, yeah. It's kind of like when you go to a restaurant and the waiter comes over too much. Too much. And you're like, we trying to have a conversation. Yeah, yeah. I got my food. That's it.

Right, right. You know what's the weirdest is when you go to a restaurant? and is the guy just staring, he's got no other tables. So he's like 10 feet away, like... Like babooie. Yes, yes. No, what's the guy's name? Not Baba-Booie.

Babbuoy. Babu. Babu, yes. A babu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So great weekend. Got some son, took it easy. You get why these guys do a man cave.

Oh, my God, yeah. You know, like, I was always like, who are these fucking dorks with their man? I'm a man, I got to have a cave with a popcorn machine and a pinball thing. and a whiskey. I get it now. You got to get away. That Nathan for you, where he has the man cave thing,

and he's watching old football. That is... That's one of the funniest things of all time. Yeah, he's a genius. But, yeah, no, I want it. That's why I want to move. I want a cave, baby. Well, they don't have basements in Texas.

But you know what I mean? A room. A man room. Yeah, and Frank. Yeah. Man room. Yeah, make it a room, because cave is gay.

Well, I got... Ben Laden. So much artwork I collected over the years. I can't hang. My wife's like, we can't just have a frame photo of Philip C. Hoffman, what are we gay? And I'm like, well, I like

the Hoff. I like the Hoff. That's why this office is key. Nobody wants this fucking Cosby photo on the wall, but I do. Hoffus. Hey. Philip Seymour Hoffman. I love it. Huffus space. So, now let me throw this one at you. So with all the pill and take and all

the trying to get healthy, I'm still like guzzling gatorade and electrolytes and all. I'm just trying to flush, flush. Got to. So, I was on stage. Now, how about this? I'm popping fruit. I'm eating veggies.

Just trying to get any fiber and jizz in my ass. I walk out on stage and I go, Oh, boy. I got the hiccups. I had the hiccups for an hour. Hickups and Downs Syndrome. I've never had, I've been doing comedy 20 plus years. I've never had hiccups on stage.

Now I'm up there going, so, you know, and then the chicken crook. The road. It ruined every joke. It hits you right at the bad timing. You know, you go, and then two Jews walking a bar. It just kills it.

Well, now also you're in your head about when it's coming. Damn. You can't plan it. Can you drink water? If I drink a bunch of water in a row and my hiccums go away. Well, half the set turn into me going, how the fuck do I cure this? Because at first he always is like, this is hilarious. Look at this idiotice hiccuping.

And then after a while they're like, this is kind of, you ruined it. Like, it's over it. I'm like, I know it's ruined. So how do I get rid of? And they're like chug water. So I'm up there. So now it's a hiccup fest. and it's not even a show anymore

the show has become Curing My Hickok So one guy's like You gotta scare yourself I'm like Okay great Yeah that's quite a hiccup Yeah So that was a dozy

And then here's the fucking jizz of it all I get off stage Cured Went away Went away An hour Wow It's like the opposite of stage health

We talk about stage health Where you feel queasy Or gay or nauseous Or you have to shit Then you go on stage It just goes away This is the reverse. Yes, yes.

Had it only on stage. Boy, you don't realize the pausing, the timing, how many little moments you need up there? Because one will just ruin a whole joke. I know. I lose my voice about once a year. When you do, it's just you're like, you don't realize how much power is in your vocal.

Yes, yes. You got the ups, the downs, the cadence, the octaves. The meeps and the sweeps and the beeps. Yeah, yeah. So the hiccun. at it, nightmare. But I'm glad I hope I got it out for the next 20 years because that was hell. Wow, I wonder

what caused it? What do we know about hiccups? What causes? What brings them back? I think it was like an air bubble I swallowed or swallowed some semen, something. But Eric Swalwell, I don't know what it was, but it got me. It got me, Faddy. I remember seeing a story about a guy

who had hiccups for like 11 years or something like that. I saw that. I saw that. I saw that. That is a, that's like a hex. It's like a witch went. Pick up, bitch. You shamed me. Yes, yes.

You know that movie? Drag Me to Hell. Sam Ramey? I remember. You shamed me. It's a good movie. It's fun. I don't know that one.

Drag me to Hell. Yeah, it's fun. It's got that guy that's in all the horror movies and then that other lady who quit acting Allison Lomen. Justin Long. Just in Long. He's in all the horror. Yeah.

He was in Barbarian. Yeah, he's fun. He is fun. He seems like he's having a good time out there. Yeah, exactly. He's not like the most famous guy, but he's around. Yeah, same initials. That's me.

How about that? Longfellow. Something. Yeah, something there. All right. So I had to get that out. Then I had a nice flight home. I've been doing the, it's funny how you learn things as a youth and you go, that's crazy.

And then one day you become that guy. Absolutely. That's my whole life. Yeah. Like, I was sitting at the hotel on Saturday, and I'm like, you know, my flight's at like 1130. I'm not going to get back till whatever, to something. Why don't I move my flight up and get like the 8 a.m. flight? And I can be with the boy longer.

I could be in New York longer, be in my house longer. So I just change it. Before I was like, oh, 8 a.m. flight, give me the noon. And now I'm like, let's back her up and get home. And the first flight, the plane's there waiting for you. That's the key. When you book the 11 or the 12 or the 1, that plane is coming in from somewhere else. Oh, I never thought about that.

So you got to, that's when all the flights get to lit. The first flight out is usually not fucked up. Because it's there the night before. 9-11. Your plane is there. Got it. I never thought about that. I flew on the 11.30 this past weekend.

And you get to the airport and you go to your gate and there's no plane there. Right. You're like, oh, fuck. You go, where's your plane? It's on the way. But anything could go wrong. They could crash. I never thought about that.

You know planes. I remember one time we were at the airport and you're like, what is this? The E.J. 71. I was like, E.J. 71. I looked up. That was the style of the plane. Ah, the CRJ 900. There it is.

It is. CRJ 900. Well, the CRJ 900 is key because they think, they try to tell you your suitcase won't fit. But I know it fits. Fucking charlatans. They try to fuck you. And a lot of times it's because they're a gate agent. The gate agent's not in the plane. They're up at the front.

Yeah. So it's one of these things we talk about sometimes where you're like, you actually know better than the employee. Why do they not want you to bring a bag on? I don't know. They do this. And Matt Wayne has a solid day because he flies with me, but he's in zone 1100. Sure. And they do this to him every time they go, all right, you got to check your bag, you're the last one on, you've fat fucking

piece of shit homo. I've been there, yeah. And he's like, Jesus, what's with the animosity? Like, your zone 12, we get to kick you in the dick and slap you. I'm hard. So they take his thing, then he gets in the plane, and it's just rows of empty stuff. All the time. Because they're not even communicating with the gate agent.

The gate agent is just some Nazi piece of shit. Right. And get off on that. Exactly. A lot of baggage. Well, it's, I used to fight with them. One time I snuck it on. It was the highlight of my life.

I've done it a few times. It's the best feeling. And then you get there and it's open air. Yeah. Well, they go, this is the CRJ 900. Your thing's not going to fit. And you just, you don't want to be a cut,

but you're like, I've flown more than you. And then I go, okay, and they give them the pink tag. I take the pink tag. And I walk on the thing and I go, and I just take it in there.

And I always want to leave the plane and walk up the front and go, just so you know my suitcase is comfortably in the fucking thing. I do that every time. I always go, I go, bet me. Let's bet.

Yes. Because I go, Good luck with that. I'm like, it's a shitbox. They do that. They go, okay, well, you can try, but you're fucking, I go, well, I flew here on the same fucking aircraft. What do they call it? What do you fly on?

What kind of? Equipment. I flew on the same equipment. Yeah. And then they give you this one. Sir, sir, that's how they shut you down. Sir, I'm like, don't, sir. Yeah.

I'm right. You're wrong. Blow me. No, sir. Don't serve me. Yeah. White flight. How there, folks.

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Get some Lucy. Thank you. So then I got to hit you at this, but I don't want to give it all away. Give it away. Give it away. Give it away. Now.

Oh, oh, yeah. So I got the Beamer. It's in the garage right over there. As you know, I got a call from the garage owner. Oh, boy. Not good. Not good. He loves the Beamer.

He wants to buy the Beamer. He's like a guy lusting after the wife where he's like, you guys divorced yet? You done? Oh, wow. And I'm like, he's obsessed with the Beamer. He's always like, hey, Beamer, you still liking it? Take it off your hands. Good price.

I love a classic car. So we got a good rapport, being the garage owner. He's like the Jackie of parking garages. Yes, he's Jackie. Carjackie. Nurse Jackie. I go, what's up there, Carlos? And he goes...

Carlos is his name? I know. That's unbelievable. Pretty good cargo. Yeah, not bad. It's like a librarian named Cone. No, wait. Or Bookman.

Yeah. Ice cream man named Coney. How about a library named Paige? Hey, Paige Bookman. Page book. Okay, so I go, what's up, car? And he goes, I got to tell you, man, your car's been in there a minute. It's filthy.

You got to go wash that car. And I was like, wash the car. What do you give a shit? It's in a garage. He loves the car. I know, but I'm like, wash it. It's my fucking car. What if I want my car dirty?

Yeah. I mean, this is crazy. I was like, what do you give a shit that my car's dirty? And he goes, well, people are drawing dicks all over it, you know, with the finger. Which I'm like, hey, this is America. People are going to draw dicks on things. Yeah, I love dicks. That's when I've been drawing dicks on cars since I was eight.

Forget about drawing dicks. People chop their dick right off. People are taping dicks on and cutting dicks off. I don't know if he's aware of that yet. When he finds out of that, he's killed himself. We are liberal with the dicks here. Yeah, literally. I bought a dick.

I went to the store and bought a dick. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That's a big dick. Absolutely, it is. So, uh, I go, uh, well, I don't get the logic here. And I think you're overstepping. Wow.

A little. I didn't say that. But, uh, I had a feeling. I was like, you need to grow up. No. But I was like, uh, okay. He's just like, I'm just saying, you got to wash this car. It's filthy.

And I'm like, well, it's your fucking garage. Why's your garage so filthy? Why is my car getting so dirty? Whatever. Yeah, you want. It's in your garage. You're upset about it. Why don't you roll the old hose over there and spray it down there? Hose before hose. So I go, Carlos. So I go, hey, no way, Jose. But I happen to be taking the car out tomorrow to go to Jersey for the game. We'll get over that later. And he goes, well, I'll just say if you take it out, hose that queef down, will you? Because it is, it is filthy. And I was like, all right, easy there, Chachi. Chachy B.T.

Yeah. So, rumor has it that the wife is playing in her second league game as goalie over in Jersey. So I said, you know what, let me be a good hub. I'll go watch. I'll support. I'll be out there with a fucking, what do you call that? A pennant. Penit.

I'll be out there with a pennant. and rooting and hollering, and I'll see in Jersey. And she goes, oh, my God, that would be great. I would love to have you there. And I said, I'll take the night off. I'll get the Beamer. I'll hide tail up there to Hackensack.

Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that all you get for your money? So I get the car out last night. She goes up early because she wants to do warm-ups and all that. And I'm like, I'm not watching the warm-ups. No. So she goes up early, takes the train. Try to guess how many miles Hackensack is from this exact seat.

Hackensack is a ways. It's a little bit west there, a little northwest, I'm thinking. And you can Google if you don't believe. Google Maps. I'm going to say mileage, 18 miles. Hey, 14. Okay, pretty good. Pretty good.

14 miles is nothing. It should be nothing. Here, it's six days. Yeah, no, this is why I want to move. Exactly. Which, by the way, I think I'm about telling you a quick side note. Please. I was doing a joke about how far away my doctor is from my house.

And the joke is supposed to be, man, I travel so far because my doctor's hot. And I go, my doctor's like six miles from my house. Which in New York City, that's hilarious. Bro. Six miles in New York City is like crazy. You would never go six miles to go to the doctor. Afghanistan. And I did it in wherever Columbus or something.

It was just... Yeah, six miles is a stone's throw. There, most places in America, your doctor could be 22 miles. away. Easy. Because that takes 24 minutes to get to. Normal. So I was like, oh, my doctor, look, get this, he's six miles away! I'm only kidding! That's crazy! And they're like,

six miles. That's, like, closer than my doctor is. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, so 14 miles should take 20 minutes. Easy. It takes an hour and 12. And I have to avoid tolls because I'm riding dirty with no insurance, no registration.

Uh-huh. And it's a classic car. And you're riding dirty because the car's dirty. True. Good point. So I get the car out of the old garage, starts right up. This car, I got to tell you, it runs like a canyon. It's unbelievable. It says 53-year-old car. It's so good. These Germans, they know how to kill Jews. So I get the car. I get it out, and I hop it over to the old soap and suds. Now, how dirty is the car? Let us know. Is it like blackface dirty, or is it like just a dusty? It looked like Kimmel in the 90s. I mean, this thing was covered. And when I say there was some, some pornographic photos on there, my God.

Swastikas? It looked like Post Malone's face. I mean, it was all wacky with cocks and boobs and Wash Me and N-word, all kinds of stuff. Wow. It was great. It was a thick viscous. It was quite a shalacking.

So I get it out of there. I get it to the wash, and it's a bunch of, like, I guess Nigerian guys, and they're like, whoa, and I go, don't you hate this? When there's a language barrier, I go, be gentle on the side view mirrors. They're really, they're really loose and old and wonky. And the guy's like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, just watch the side view mirrors. And they're like, go, we got it, $12, $12. And I'm like, if this thing flops off, this car is way worth, it's worse.

It's worthless. Right. It's not worthless. It's worth less. So I'm like, I'd love to just keep the sideview mirrors on. And all it takes is one sentence, but they don't listen. So, of course, the side view mirror falls off. Oh, geez.

I know. He sent it through the flappies, the labias, whatever those are. It's such a primitive thing, these flaps. I should have just done the foamy, you know, with the stick. But I couldn't find that guy. Like the way they clean Rupert. Yes, yes, yes. Chuck hates us

His face is appalled Yeah, this is not his episode Bad weekend, I'm good, I'm good Oh, okay They're hilarious I don't care what happened He'll actually tell us Don't ask him about it

We got a show to do here So So the side view mirror falls off And I go, you fucking purse selling Nigerian cut So whatever I put the side view mirror Now I'm on my hands and knees

With a fucking eyeglass screwdriver, put the mirror back on But now it's Tit Tit Tit Tit It's It's jizzing the whole ride. But whatever. The car is spotless.

I wish I could show it to you. I almost parked it out here, but they can't park on Tuesday. So I drive that puppy on the FDR, and I'll tell you, it's a bitch. It's unbelievable that people drove this thing in the 70s. Right. It's great. Like old ladies drove this car and her, stop start, stop start.

I'm on the Brooklyn Bridge, like, weaving around traffic. I'm stopping. I'm starting. You're going uphill, so you have to, like, you know, that whole thing where you have to like keep it moving or you roll backwards and you hit the guy behind you. Terrifying. It's crazy that everyone in America did that for a period of time.

It feels like riding a horse. And that would have been one of the nicer ones. How about the people driving like Eldoradoes that were 75? They're just driving boats. Hoopies. Yeah. Yeah. But it does feel very, it feels like a horse.

So you have to maintain it. You have to hold. You're in complete control. I have no power steering. It's crazy. But finally you get there And you do have some moments Where you're on the FDR

And you got the river next to you You see that Pepsi Cola sign The sun is setting It's a beautiful thing Oh yeah When it's nice out here It's the greatest It really is

Yeah So I'm high tailing And right when you get to Jersey It's like Everything's easier Yeah You get through that toll And you're like

Oh the road opens up The streets are paved And you just Hightailing through hack and sack And I got to the rink and that's a whole other story. How are we looking here? Which is? 48.

Oh, okay. All right. You want to tell it or what? Well, that's not that crazy. Well, yeah, bring us home. I'll save my stuff for the next thing. Okay, okay. You know, old Jed's a millionaire. Well, first, let me apologize to Florida.

What happened to Florida? Well, I'm out of material. I got the special out two weeks ago, and I feel bad these people come out and then, sorry, I don't know I'm throwing that in randomly, but I just want to say sorry. What do you do with the new material? How do you do it? I don't release until I have 30 minutes. See, that's one of the problems with Netflix.

They decide the release. Exactly. I hold on to it. That's smart. I put it in that can. I shove it right in my can. I'm like fucking, you know, Christopher Walking in Pulp Fiction. It's in my ass.

You got the watch up there. Until I'm ready to take it out. So I got to make sure I have at least 2530 before I put it out. That's smart. Boy, I wish I had done that. But don't you find that when you have the hot hour, you just want to run it and then you kind of get not lazy

but you go I'll come up with new later Of course I'm like that right now I'm like I'm just doing the jokes I'm now sick of them Even though they're not even that old Right

We do so many shows I know I have jokes that are like Literally five weeks old And I'm like oh god This piece of shit Wow Ideally you could tell a joke like 12 times And I'd be like

Ah let me get rid of that Tell that to Jerry I mean that would be ideal But he's a different kind of guy. I just always feel like a fraud because I'm like, I've told this before it's stupid, even though they've never heard it. They've never heard it, and it's going to take a while

to get a new one as good as that, so you might as well ride it into the sunset. I know, of course. But yeah, it's hard, it's a hard transition, especially when you're doing real shows. Yes, that's the thing. I'm not built for these Chris Rocks and Louise. I'm not saying I'm them, but they go up with the notebook, and they're like,

I'm a big comic, you're happy to see me work out. I don't have that gene. I'm like, I'm sorry. This sucks. I got a notebook. You paid a ticket. You got a babysitter. And I'm up here going,

ah, that needs an ending. Oh, that's not there yet. Right. Ah, I hate it. Well, they also get to, like, legend status. That's true. We have, I mean, you have a very big following,

but it still feels like a cult following in some way. Yes, yes. You're like, when you come out at the cellar, it's not like, oh, my God. Exactly. It happened. Right. They're like, oh, sweet.

We love this guy And I had this thought the other day And tell me where you had on this fatty These guys Everybody goes You guys are the class You Sliss Soder Sam

Shane All the you guys are the guys right now You guys are the louis Or the burrs of the old whatever And you go I don't know Because think about like Jerry He has the greatest show of all time

Then he has commieans and car He has movie Chris Rock has 11 movies He has has five amazing specials. They have a body of work. We got some YouTube stuff.

We got some clips. We got podcasts. We never have, Louis has movies. He had the TV show. He had Lucky Louis. These guys did big things that we've not even come close to doing.

But the times have changed. That's true. To the fan, I agree, and I feel the same way, but the fans perspective, they're like, this guy,

Tuesdays with stories, we might be drunk, fucking the storytelling, this is not happening. Holy shit. This guy's crazy. Conan. They're looking at you and go, I think maybe.

How do you compete with a sitcom that was on for nine years that was award-winning and legendary? But you're thinking of born in 1983 sitcom. These people were born in 2004. That's true. They're like sitcom is the stupidest thing they've ever heard of. That's true. They like, you know, morning show antics. They're like, did you see what he came in the girl's tits when she wasn't expecting it?

That's true. How many guys do we know that are in eight movies, but that doesn't move a ticket? Right, exactly. So the game has changed, I guess. All right, that's a good point. By the way, side note, I can't tell you how many people will come up to me and go, dude, fucking Tuesdays with stories, we might be drunk. I love it. I'm like, I have nothing to do with that show.

Well, you've been on a few times. The other day was like, dude, he goes, oh, what was, I can never remember. Bodec, dude, I got fucking bodega cat, man. He's like, fucking A. You get that? I'm like, okay. Constantly. I get, hey, Salacuse, you do a great job.

He's just like, dude, bodega cat, we might be drunk, fucking love your shit. I'm like, thank you. Wow. I appreciate it. I'm the guy behind the guy over there. I think there's a lot of lumping with these quefs. They lump. Big lump, and I think they're also drunk and nervous by the time the thing comes along.

Exactly, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, okay, so I get that too. Bad Friends, man, Bobby Lee. I'm like, you're just naming a guy. Well, if I met Jerry, and I was like, oh, my God, Seinfeld, Matt about you, huge fan. Tell me why.

Okay, so I had to get that out. Thank you for appeasing. Sure, I love to appease. Now, I'm pulling in a hacky-sack and you see the rink. You know what's fascinating about this rink is like, there's kids coming in there with the big bags and the stick over the shoulder, and you're like, wow, this is like, this is their comedy club. Right.

Because you get into the rink, it smells weird. It's got that funky equipment smell. There's like a mom walking around with a kid. There's a lady behind a guy. class selling pop tarts and popcorn and there's a rink over here there's three big rinks and there's bleachers and you can just watch your kids play and there's a guy with a clipboard a guy with a whistle and you're like there's a whole world here that I don't think about and then you go look at this kid carrying this giant bag this seems like hell this kid's never been happier he's loving it he's in

his favorite place in the world and I go I would never want to come here yeah it's how it's like a comedy club well it's a fascinating thing I talk about this all the time well like I'm watching the bowling, born to bowl. I watch that too. I can't believe how many people will bowl with two hands. It blew my mind. That's a new thing with Belmo started that, right? It's like half the people are bowling two-handed.

It's crazy. I think it's a better system. But any far as what you think about like these people have made bowling their whole life. And then there's people that make chess their whole life. Yes. People that make fucking ping pong their whole life. Yes.

And we did it with con. I think it's better to have something like that and go all in than have zero. I talked to Alan, our therapist. He was saying this yesterday because my thing is, there's like 50 things I want to do. So I'm putting, like, a little bit of effort into mandolin, mixed martial arts, comedy, documentary, writing, acting, hiking, tennis, golf. I'm doing all of these things. Wow. That's a lot. You got to do golf?

And I'm like, I golf when I can. I had no idea. So I'm like, oh, I just want to do all these things. I don't have time. And he's like, that's good. He's like, you have many. you have too many interests. He's like, I can't tell you how many people here sitting in my office that go, I don't have any, I don't know what I want to do.

They kill for one thing. He's like half the people in here, more than half. He's like, that's what we're talking about. There's nothing I want to do. I have no fucking interest in anything. Yeah, no, I think that's a, you're in a great spot. Right. So there you go.

I remember being 20 years old, 19 years old, just drinking my face off. And my dad was like, you need a thing. You're rudderless. You're all over the place. And I was like, I'm living life. I'm trying to get laid and drinking drunk with my friends. I don't even talk to those guys anymore. Right.

You know, but once I found comedy, I was like, that's it. Beeline. It's a crazy thing about friends. You have friends that stay forever. Then you have other friends that come in and come out. Yeah. I think about this all the time. The people I talk to most and see the most,

they weren't even at my wedding, which was nine years ago. What? I'm right here. Well, I'm on the road with Matt Wayne constantly. He went at the wedding, huh? No, because we weren't that tight then. Karen is like over our house all the time. We're bumping. We're neighbors.

She wasn't at our wedding. He was like Luke Monis. I'm on the road with him. He wasn't at my wedding. I didn't even know him. Sure. So it's interesting how you have different times in your life that you have people that you're like, wow, I wasn't even talking to that guy. Yeah, that's true.

Salacuse. He was, I didn't even know him. Wow. Now I feel like I see him every single day. Yeah, that would have been a shaky photo. In my nightmares. Yeah. So anyways, yeah, you kind of go.

We talk about this with neighborhoods, too. There was like a period where I was in the Eastville. every night for six years straight. Or Midtown. We're talking about where, you know, Carolines and the world. Barcelona Bar. I haven't been to either of those neighborhoods. No.

Since I don't know when. No, no. And you're not, you don't miss them either. I'm not like, oh, Midtown. That was a wild time. I'm like, oh, I don't want to go there. Yeah, well, I haven't been to 48th and 8th in years. Yeah, yeah, right.

All right. So I pull into the rink and you see all the kids and you get out of New York and everybody's normal. Everybody's nice, normal, and just easy to talk to. Here, everybody's on edge. They got a machete in their hand. Bomb Donnie's up their ass. That's political. There's this. You get there, and you're like,

oh, that's ring three. And you're like, hey, this is nice. Your blood pressure just goes, ah. I know. This is what I'm talking about. I know. You got to move. I would just, I told, I'll tease this, but I was just in Cleveland with the family, and like Sarah's like, I'm going to do

Orange Thier. I just hop in the car. Drop her off. I know. I text my friend. I'm like, you up? Yeah, we're up. I go over there. We hang out. Me, Marty, and the kid, we're running around. And then they go, I got to go get Sarah. I hop at the car, five-minute ride, leave the baby. She hops in. We drive back to our buddies. Oh, let's go swim. Let's go swim. We'll drive over to the pool. We're all swimming. Yeah. Fucking eat. If I want to go drop someone off here, it's the day.

I know. That's true. Even just to pop over to, like, Karen's house. is my neighbor, I got to take an 11-minute elevator ride, a 14-minute walk. Figure I wouldn't do with the baby. Another 20-minute elevator ride. I got bump into four dogs barking. Out there, you go, I'll hop in the car. I'll be there in three minutes. New York is a video game on Difficult, all to tell you.

You're always on difficult. Great. Analogy, metaphor, whatever the fuck. Whatever it is. Meta-5. Meta-world piece. So, yeah, so everything is a thing. and I watched the lady play hockey. She's a little injured, but it's crazy.

I walk in, and you see a full game with refs. There's the fat guy behind the booth going like, quarter one, you know, score whatever, scrimmage. Quarter one score scrimmage. So then, you know, it's like, eh, and the whole team gets together. You got the guys jumping over the wall, back over the wall, and they're all in uniform. and she's at the goalie thing with the ponytail coming down. Wow, that's hot. It was hot.

It was cool. And she's squared up, you know, and she's ping, ping, they're all coming down towards her. Wow. I want to jump in and help. It's a weird thing to watch. Wow, that is exciting. How'd she do?

Well, she was hurt. So it was a tough game. The first game they won, then this is when they lost. But she hung in there was a really high-scoring game. And the other team was very good. I was like, these guys are ringers. Right. But, uh, rinkers.

Uh-huh. There you go. So, uh, rinked in. So then I'm standing. There's nowhere to sit. So I'm just standing on the board, just watching. And one guy goes, you want to, you want a beer or something?

And I go, yeah. And he goes, oh, go get a beer. It's in the cooler. So I go, oh, where's the green room? Oh, boy. That was bad. That's embarrassing. And then I go get a beer.

I come back. And they were very nice. And I could tell one guy was like, that's, that's the comedian. He's a comedian. Wow. So the wife had a good point. She was like, I must be the weirdest person alive. I'm like, they needed a goalie.

They hired a random lady from New York City to show up. They don't know anything about her. She's a goalie. She's a young lady. She's a mom. Then all of a sudden, her husband shows up. He's a comedian on Netflix. What the fuck is going on with this woman?

Yeah, that's very strange. It's like a celebrity husband, lady who's injured. Right, right. There's a lot going on here. Then the guy comes over the beer. He's like, what did I miss? And you're like, the producer just called the penalty. And, you know, that's the only one I had lined up.

I should have had two. Well, then here's the worst part. The guy goes, hey, you're going to give us a speech. We need a little pep talk. And I was like, oh, no. So he goes, stand up, and you got to do it. So I'm like, oh, God. So I noticed on the drive-in, I saw like 20 people with hijabs.

Oh, boy. And I go, hey, well, we're going to win this. game, this town's going Muslim, and we gotta get it back, and they all went, I don't know what I was thinking. I saw like 10 hijabs on the drive over. I wasn't prepared. And they were like, what's up with this guy? They gave them the hijabs report. Yeah, yeah, I did a bad hijab. And they're taking our jobs. And then they went and played, and it was a real game, and I was getting in there. Every time she would block a thing, she had one, right to the, right to the tit. Oh, wow. And she took it like a champ. And I was like, oh, my God, you feel it. I feel for it.

I don't know how these parents do it where they're out there with the kids. Wow. I would never stop bringing this up during sex. I'd be like, kick save and eat me out. Scrimmage. Yeah, scrimmage me and the scrimmage on my back. So, yeah, so it was a wild game and then they do the shake, you know, and they all, good game, good game. It was really cool.

And you get it. You're in there. You're like, come on. Hit him in the jaw! I kicked him in the jaw. I kicked them in the balls. Then they all leave. They go to their locker room.

She went, they threw her in a broom closet because she's the only lady. Right. She changes. And we had a beer and I met everybody. And we drove home and got home in like 34 minutes. Wow. That sounds like a hell of a night. It felt great because you drive it home and I'm like, we're like normal people.

You went to a hockey game? I'm driving a car home. We're going to park the car. We're going back to our house on a Monday night. It felt, you know, it felt like we were Normies. Yeah, that sounds sweet. Mark Normies. There you go.

Well, there you go. That's a hell of an episode if you ask me. That's good stuff. And good for you, good for her. I mean, she's walking with a walker up there with a tennis ball. She's Mitch McConnell. Needs a nice bath. Yeah.

Cain and Anil. Great to be here. By the way, it's 11 o'clock in the morning. This is crazy. I know. We're done with an episode. It's 1115. I've never had this in my life. This is my kind of day.

Hell yeah. All right. When does this come out? I have no idea. April 27th. Oh, okay. Hey, we're making a headway. Next week.

I think it's sold out, but get excited for this. Live podcast at the improv. There might be a few tickets left. And if you didn't get the tickets, you're missing out because we have a Mount Rushmore legend. Legend. Do we say, do we hold? Nothing we can say.

All right, you say. Well, he's got the first name, same initial as the last name. Okay, okay. Yeah, his last name goes down in history with political American. Ghana. Uh-huh. Right? Sure. Aaron? Aaron. Aaron Burr. Yeah. Aaron Berg is the guest. We got Aaron Berg flying out. It's going to be awesome. No, we got Bill Burr on the live pod. How about that? Look at that. I mean, the improv's not big enough to hold this guy. It's going to be crazy. I took a wild swing. I can't believe he said yes. I shit my pants and called a love story. He'll probably cancel. Big swing. Don't cancel,

Billy. We need you. We've already put it out there. Yeah. We've got it. Bill Burr on the show, and that'll be... This YouTube is going to go through the roof. Right to the moon. And we'll put a little on Patreon, too, I'm thinking. You better believe it, Faddy. You've got to do it. Sorry, folks.

But anyways, we got Bill Burr. Come to that. And then that Thursday, I'm back at the Hollywood Improv doing a regular old headlining show. We got Luke Monis. Maybe I'll see if Bill wants to do that, too. Oh, yeah. I think he might be doing something. He's a busy guy.

There'll be some special guests on that. That'll be fun. And of course, Europe, don't forget, I added a show in London, fill that up. Glasgow, this is the funniest thing to me. I posted the, I'm going to Europe, UK, whatever. And then I got 30 comments going. You got to come to Glasgow. How are you not coming to Glasgow?

What the fuck? How are you fucking us? Scotland, you're Scottish. Why aren't you coming? So I call my age and I go, you got to do Glasgow. And then all 30 of them bought tickets. And that's it. Come on.

So fill that up. You Scots. Dublin, Belfast. And then governors in June, punch up live. Go buy the Tom Dustin dog. They're trickling in. People go, hey, I bought the movie. It's the best movie.

Blah, blah, blah. There goes your baby. I know. I miss them already. And your brown lady. Yes, yes. So go. Yeah, she's sweet.

She's great. Go see the movie. Yes, see the movie. It's a great movie. I really enjoyed it. And go to UK. I mean, that's exciting. You in Scotland with the Green Hills and the Irish Springs and the whole thing.

Absolutely. All right, folks. We'll see you in hell. I'll be all over the road. I'm in Raleigh, Spokane, get some bodega cat. Spokane. You're in Spokane every three weeks. This is crazy.

I haven't gone yet. I feel like every episode you have your plug in Spokane. What's your Spokane schedule? It's coming up. But I'm saying six months ago a year ago. It's the only one I can remember. They got the light outside the green room, rescribage. I'm going to email your agent and say, how often is he in Spok?

Because I feel like you're there every three months. Once a year. This is crazy. All right. Well, I guess you plug three months in advance, and then you tell the story a month later. Hey. You know, it's like, it's like congressmen.

They've got to run every two years. So they're just always campaigning. Well, well, and, yeah, we'll see in Raleigh, Spokane and Irvine, California, and Chattanooga. Thank you. What do you got, Choochoochoo? Check on my podcast. Fun bearable. And more importantly, we're doing a very fun film project.

Huge, big. It's going to be really big. Gigantic. And we're still looking for some backers on that thing. So if you're a fat cat with some cash to spare, reach out to me. Talk to this guy. Oh, believe me. That is a Costanza.

Oh, my God. Look at that. That's got to be four grand right there. He's nuts. That is great. That looks like a fucking double cheeseburger. Oh, there's something else in this room that's, you've got to take a look at. But anyway, if you're interested in backing a very fun film project, it's a great, it's a thing

I were really, really proud of. Reach out to me at discount Chuck. At discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. If you want to get involved, it's really cool. I'll send you some stuff we shot. And you will enjoy it as much as Joe did. This is like Sam Jackson's wallet in Pulp Fiction.

All right. Yeah, it was awesome. I fucking laughed my ass off. The thing's crazy. It's got to be wild. It's going to be awesome. So go support that. And he's being honest.

I'm being honest. And I'm never honest. Just kidding. That's him. Join the Patreon. We got a new thing. on. It's going to be fun. Thank you. Signing off. Here comes Mark. All right.

Yeah. We'll see the hell.