Tuesdays with Stories! - #654 Rachel Profiling

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Joe gets a monstrous smoky gift from a pal! The boys get a visit from city officials live during the show, and the Listicle gets a soaking bed! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories -Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays -Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at http://RocketMoney.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May Hey, nanny, nanny! We're back, the sun is shining. It's 4.30 in the morning, but we are cooking. We're cooking, and oh, my God, this is great. We wore the exact same outfits as last week. That's nuts. Oh, we want, you know, the rotation set in.

Yeah, wow. How about that? Well, we're going to be doing a lot of traveling, and we're here. Where are you going? Starbucks? I was going to Starbucks. Yay! All right.

By the way, we were discussing off air. a few people reached out and they said, what the fuck is this? You send you chalk for coffee. By the way, if you guys knew how much money we paid this gentleman, who! It's fucking wild. Breaking the bank, it's wild amount of money.

Crazy. Best paid producer in America. A hundred percent. You and Weinstein. And half the time, you got a replacement. I pay them, though. I pay them the same rate you pay me. I'll say that. Oh, so you pay them $8,000 a month. I give them the same hourly rate you

me. Wow. Well, so that's hurting you. Yes, it is. And you're still the richest. Yeah. So we're paying you. And then someone's like, you made him get your coffee fucking four times. Then one guy went in and claims you've gotten us coffee 13 times, which is raw. That's incorrect. He said at least 13. He said he's still going through episodes. We think he's talking about times you sent him to get coffee in the office around the corner. Water. I don't mind. I'm going to put it out there for the gays. I don't mind. Hey, you hear that, folks, quit bitching. But also, even if it's 13, which I don't think it is, I think it's less than that.

That's 50 episodes a year, and you've worked here for six years, which is 350 episodes. Let's say 13, which is a little liberal. I can't do math, but that's... Two a year. One percent? I mean, I don't even know. Pete Buttigieg's a little liberal. So, yeah, and he doesn't mind.

And you're probably happy to get outside. Right now, it's 75 degrees. I'd love to go get us coffee. Yeah, we're stuck in this fucking cave, like a soccer team in Thailand. And I offer to get you coffee and a brownie and a donut. And we're friends for fuck sakes. That's what I tell people. I'd be happy to go get you something.

Take it easy with the friends. They DM me and they're like, Joe makes you get coffee. Doesn't that suck? Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, he's my friend. I'll get him a coffee. Hey, what else you're doing? And you're an autonomous adult grown man.

You can say, no thanks. Agency. I'd rather not. Thank you anyways. Like Louis' victims. And you're not even doing anything. You press record for the fuck of love. Yeah, you sit there and dinder.

I'm saying while we're here. Obviously, you do a lot outside. Sure. Upload and take out the N-words and all that. You got that right. That's a full-time job right there. During the show, you're on your phone. You're just jacking off over there.

I do check levels a lot, especially since we had that one issue. Ah, levels. It's all levels, Jerry. It's all pipes is what it is. So anyways, he's fine. Don't worry about it. I appreciate the concern for the Tuesdays. I'm happy to get coffee.

It's happy to get coffee. Let's have some brownies. Hey. I'll pay. I got cash. You're fucking right, you do. We took a look at that when you went to the bathroom. Yeah, this is all merch.

A merch is back, baby. I know. Luke Monos just came over my house. He's like, what is it? Because there's just cash spilling. Yes. T-shirt money. Cash Patel.

And I think I might be done with the merch. I don't know if it's worth it. Hello. Well, I'm out there selling the merch, I don't sell it. You pay a lady a couple of cool hundos, and then you just sit back and collect. Well, I'm doing the math, and it's the sizes, and I'm falling, I'm tripping, I'm getting my fingers cut on the box. Wait, how do you get any even in order?

How does you know what we want? He's just going to shit. He leaves without getting coffee. That's true. He parks the car. He fucks chicks. And I go, hey, could you Google this? And he goes, oh.

Like, I'm asking him to figure out the Pythagre out the Pythagra. theorem. Yes, yes, theorem. Pythagorean, what the hell's the theorem? Pythagorean theorem. Yeah,

what is that? It's something with a triangle. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's something big. That's to do with wings? No, that's Red Bull. Or Maxy Pads. Now, that's funny.

Or Paul McCartney. He had a band called Wings. Oh, that's right, that's right. And there's a TV show. Remember that? With Tony Shaloob. I never watched it, but everyone said it was great.

Thomas Hitton Church, yeah. And had quite a raw, Tim Daily, and it was based in the Cape Cod Airport. No, I thought it was Martha's Vineyard. Hyannis. Oh, is that right? Why did I think it was the island? I think it's a hyanus.

Or Nantucket? Was it Nantucket? Why did I think it was one of the islands? The island would be too cool. That would be like, whoa, we're on the island. That would be a whole different show. It would be everybody wearing Hawaiian shirts and... There is an airport in Hyannis because the comedy club is right across the street.

What? The Ira's comedy club. Ira Proctor's old comedy club. Is that right? It was like across the street from the hyanis airport. Is that over? The club has been gone for years, but the airport, I assume, is still there.

I fly in there all the time. Oh, because sandwich. Yeah, the wife. That's right. Because flying from Boston and getting to her house is a bitch. It's easier to get from New York to Boston, that is to get from Boston to Cape God. Right.

Can you look up or Brownie, whatever you got, but can you look up if the airport is in Wings? Yeah, wings. Look at the sitcom Wings, Wikipedia. Tony Shalub That's so fascinating because, yeah, I spent a lot of time not at that airport, but like across the street.

Literally the club was like, the planes would come in and go and I think that's where JFK Jr. was on his way to. Maybe that was the vineyard. I think that was the vine. Or maybe he was flying from Hyannis to Long Island. I can't remember anything. I don't know, but JFK was a handsome guy.

All right. The show is set a fictional Tom Neversfield Airport, a small Two airline airport in Nantucket, Massachusetts. You were right. Wow. But it's fictional. It's fictional. It's fictional. But they use the actual town, Nantucket, the actual island. Yeah. It's weird. That's weird. You could pitch anything back then and they would buy it.

Yeah. Hey, it's an airport. In Nantucket. Whoa. I like that. It says print it. It says there is one on Nantucket, though. There is. Yeah, that's how you get there. It's great. It must have just wanted to use that and change the name. I've talked about this with Nantuck. If money was no object, if I had all, If I had Shane Gillis money or Whoever money.

Zucker Dick. Nantucket, that would be my house. I would have a vacation place in Nantucket. Never been. Now you put NAN over VIN? Absolutely. What's the diff? Well, Nantucket is a little more exclusive.

It's like, like, Vineyard is like, like celebrities and stuff live there. Obama. But then Nantucket is like, we don't even know how these people got their money. A little bit smaller, but also it's mostly. Beach? No, there's great beaches, but it's mostly like reservation, reserve, reservation. Oh, like it's all.

Oh, pipes. So what do you call that? Reserve landmark. Like a central park, a national park. Yeah, reserves. Is it reserve? I think that's the military. You can't build here.

You can't do anything here. This is just wild, and it's bike patterns, this beautiful downtown with cobblestone, and it's small, and it's fun. Oh, boy. Awesome. Because the VIN has cool bars, has cool restaurants. But it is a little touristy. Yeah. Nantucket is fucking great.

They're both great. I mean, you're not either place. It's fun. How about these people grow up there? Like, there's high school's there. That is Wackadoo. My uncle's high school played Nantucket. That was on their schedule.

We all took the fair. My whole family took the ferry. Wow. They had a big brawl during the game. It was crazy. And then they showed up, and one of the guys from Blue Hills high school whipped a beer bottle down it. It was like a big controversy.

They never got to play again. Whoa. They were like a powerhouse football team. Is that right? I think a Division 5 powerhouse, but a powerhouse nonetheless. Wow, man, don't you tell you this is going to sound controversial? White guys used to be wild. I think white guys are still pretty wild.

Ah, you think? Every time of episode, you're taking 10 green hulks and driving an unregistered car. I'm trying to hold on to the honky, the thrill ride honky. Plenty of wild whites. What are you crazy? I think whites are like wearing hoods and marching with tinky torches. That's wild. Yeah, I'm talking like fun-loving.

Oh, I'm not talking, Dylan Roof, just shooting up a church. No, no, those guys are always going to be. You're always going to have the January 6th fucking psycho. I mean, a guy rubbing shit on the congressman's face is pretty wild. Wait, wait, what is this? Well, the walls, whatever. The walls?

January 6th, they shit in his hand. They wiped it on Pelosi's asshole or something. Something just happened. I'm talking about the wild dudes of fist-fighting, football playing, beer guzzling, finger-popping, drug-chasing animals. Oh, you're out of your mind. You sound like an old boomer. I am a boomer.

We used to be wild. I'm telling you, there's white kids, smoking crack in basements and raping ladies. It's got to be. I promise you. That's wild whites. All right. It feels like they've been tamped. I think there's a dip.

I will say there's definitely a dip. Because I think they're looking at their phones and all that. I think there's a general violence. of like, hey, shut up, Whitey, come on. Yeah, maybe you're right. But there's got to be guys on a slip and slide. I think if you went to, like, an Ohio State football, I just drove from campus two days ago,

and there was a beer pong table in the front yard of every frat house. I mean, I imagine maybe not as wild. They might not be eating goldfish, but they're eating each other out, I think. And maybe it's the New York of it all. I got New York Brooklyn quefs up my ass. And these guys ain't got a wild hair up. their dad's ass even. Well, and also you write about, like, I think people are more

influence. They're more in their phones. They're more than they're trying to make a thing. Whereas, I think, we talked about this a long time ago. Ari's sister works at, I think, University of Maryland or something. She's like a professor. And she was saying, like, there's no toga parties anymore. There's no custom parties. That's what I'm talking about.

It's all, I'm coming around. Everything's problematic. I think it's all activism. There's a lot more activism than there is partyism. Yes. There's a lot more like, hey, there's a Native American tribe. We got to make it rain for them. And I think in the past, it was like, let's play Cowboys and Indians. Yes, yes. Let's do Toga, Blackface. We had a Dysheki party when I was in college. There was no hate. It was just, you were just free. No one filmed anything. Filming everything, I think put a damper on everything. That's a great point. And I'm not saying I want to have a fucking clan rally. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I I want to have a wild time. Yeah. How about the Masters?

They don't allow cell phones. Oh, good. There's some great photos of, like, Rory winning, and the whole crowd is just tractor beam right on there. More of that. I agree. We've got to do more phone bans. I told you, I'm getting Instagram off my phone.

I blocked Reddit on my phone. I took Twitter off. Yeah. Because I want to be there here. I want to be here now. Thank you for coming around of this, because people shoot me down on there. They're gaslighting me.

Well, I'm just saying there's not no wild. Okay. There's plenty of wild, but there's less wild. There's less wild. Chris Rock was on stage other night. He popped in, and he had his whole bit. And this is what triggered it. He was like, what the hell happened to white men?

He's like, white men used to be fucking cocky, ballsy, whatever. White men have been pusified. And I'm like, okay, he's saying it. But when I say it, I look like a psycho. I'm just agreeing with the black guy. Well, I see what you mean now. I think you're right with the phones is a big part of it. Sure, sure.

Because, you know, you used to be able to, yeah, throw dog shit in your mother's face. But now someone goes, hey, look at this guy throwing dog shit in his mother's face. Yeah, yeah. And some of it is good. Hey, we got that guy. Thank God for the phone. We got that guy being a piece of shit. But I'm just talking about jumping off of a hotel into a pool, like off the roof.

You know, I'm talking about the guy who would do backflips or burnouts in the car for no reason. Just the wild. I mean, when I was a kid, Two of my friends bought handguns. They just bought handguns, and they showed up to my house, and they go, you're going out tonight. And it was like a Tuesday, and I was with my parents at home, and they were like, you're going out, we're going drinking. I'm like, ah, it's a school night, I don't know. And they're like, you're going out.

Whoa. And they just showed me the gun. I was like, we're going out. And I just went. Well, they're going to shoot you if you didn't go out. Apparently, they're both firemen now. These are wild guys. But that's what I'm talking about.

I don't know if that's around. I don't think kids want to drive anymore. Kids are like, I'm not getting my license. I'm playing video games. Less sex. Less sex. I have a point. Yeah. Okay, but it's hard to convey it.

It's hard to prove it. I need some statistics or some information. Well, there's definitely less sex. They say that and less hanging out. Less knee scraping, I think. Yes, yes. Helicopter, parent, Kobe Bryant. I don't know.

But yeah, just had to get that out. That's pretty good. We getting this? That's good stuff. Should we do it? Bucks Run or... Lucky 14. You want a coffee?

I don't think a small car. Woo-hoo! I wouldn't mind to chuck the chip cook if you were really getting crazy. I don't know if I should bring this up. What was that Asian thing? What Asian thing? You said like an Asian thing to the group? Oh, it was like you...

Someone made a website. Oh, it's hilarious. Where you tap on Joe's face and it says one of his Asian impressions. It's randomized. All right. I didn't know if it was like an attack or a hit piece or something. Oh, that's great. A tall, medium roast coffee?

like? Whatever the little one is. Yeah, tall. Jack, you want something? That seems confusing. Are you sure? Chocolate chip cookie, please. I got the cookie, the brownie, the tea, and the coffee. This is very excited. We shouldn't be doing this on the air. No, no, this is good stuff. No, they hate it. Remember to put meat on the burger.

Folks. Here's the thing, by the way, let me defend that. Because people were like, you fucking moron, idiot. But how, why do they call it a double quarter-pound? cheeseburger without meat. Wait. Like it shouldn't be an option to have a double quarter pounder cheese burger with no meat. Well, why would I think that's even possible?

Because they want to have vegetarian options. They can't put an option that duplicates every single sandwich that says no meat, no meat, no meat. That's like saying, why don't I have a quarter pounder with no bread? Yeah. It's an option. Right. You still get the same sandwich. You see my point is the quarter pound.

is in reference to a quarter pound of meat. Once there's no meat, it's not a quarter pound. There's no quarter pound. I know. It literally says the quarter pound cheese burger meal. I get it.

To order that without a meat. It's like saying, I want a cheese pizza. No cheese. But no pizza. Oh. Like, it's like, what the hell is this? There shouldn't be an option

for a cheese pizza with no pizza in it. Do you see my point? I can come up with a better analogy. It's a bad analogy because that's the whole thing. No, I think cheese is good. I want a cheese pizza with no cheese. That's what I'm saying. Right, right.

That's good. But it's even greater than that because the whole thing is in reference to the burger. I got it. That's closer. That's a better analogy, but still not perfect. It would be like... Because meat is just a part of the burger. Yeah.

I want a Nissan Centra, but there's an option to just get the four tires. I'm like, where's the Nissan Centra? I got it. Macaroni and cheese without the macaroni. There you go. That's it. Exactly. I see.

I ordered a macaroni and cheese and there's an option to click no macaroni and they just bring you a puddle of cheese. Right. Once you take away, you're able to take away the meat, that it's a quarter pound is in reference to nothing. It's nothing. It's like a philosophical. Yes. So, exactly. It's like a weird meta project.

Yes. The quarter pound is in reference to the meat. The burger is in reference to meat. Yes. So it's crazy that you can be like, I'll have a quarter pound cheeseburger without a quarter pound burger. My only pushback is a quarter pound burger comes with a lot of shit. Right.

You get a bun, a meat, a cheese, a pickle, a mayonnaise or a ketchup. So when you order a quarter pound with no meat, you're still getting all that other shit. Well, that should be an option is to take away everything but the meat. Because otherwise, there is a thing. They should be on a menu. There should just be bread ketchup. ketchup bread. Let me get an order

a ketchup bread. Yeah. What psychos ordering that, huh? And I'm not even saying I'm right or didn't fuck up. I'm just saying that's where my mind was at. I didn't cross my mind that it would be

even possible to order a double quarter pound cheeseburger without a double quarter pound cheeseburger. It's like it doesn't make any sense. It's like Robert Peter to pay Paul. That's just a line from Fargo. That's a hell of a film.

Hell of a film. Anyways, so... You already ordered it? I ordered it. Put some cream in mind, if you don't mind. Just a little cream. Oh, Jesus. He's making you get cream.

Lots of coffee. I was going to say I'll get the protein box, the cheese and grapes, but that's okay. Oh, you take my tea bag out, too? Oh, you grab the protein box and I'll Venmo you. Okay. Woo. This is exciting.

This is one of the checks, one of these guys that does a thing, goes, I'd love to get it for you, and then he goes, oh, boy, you made me do the thing. You can't have it both ways You can't have it both ways I think people don't like the Oh, it adds some cream Short steep in my tea

I think that that's what They don't like I'll do it I'm happy to do it Yeah don't give me shit for the cream If you're doing tea steep Well you gotta do is take the tea bag out All you gotta do is put a little cream in

But I could have ordered the cream on there Oh I didn't know I would have said hey cream Oh well they have the jug Oh yeah I love jug Yeah it's good magazine Oh yeah See, Maxim, that was a big magazine.

That's gone. That's part of my problematic. There's a quefiness in the air. Well, all magazines are... Is Maxim.com still around? Probably not. Yeah. All right, so it's four items.

Two, a coffee, a tea, add cream, take the bag out, cookie, brownie. And make it some napkins. Something for yourself. Some napkins. A little something for yourself, probably some napkins. Yeah, yeah. And if you see a nice-looking woman, invite her over. Yes, please.

There you go. All right. This is exciting. Now we got a show. We're here all day. They don't like the coffee order. They're going to be very upset about this. They love every minute of it.

What are you going to do? Sure, just say, cut it. All right, I got some stuff. This coffee order is the biggest problem in your life. These people need to move on. Exactly. I think I caught it. Yeah, it's a resting gurgle right in the bottom of the throat.

Ah, gerbils. He was a bad guy. I think so. I'm watching a nervous. You ever seen it? No. Russell Crow. Oh, I heard things about it.

It's okay. It's such a cool story that it carries the film. Did you watch DTF St. Louis? Some of it. Yeah. Well, it's very disappointing. Oh, I thought you were all in. Well, the first episode, we laughed so hard.

I mean, I don't want to turn this into Siskin Ebert over here, but the first episode, we were on the floor. Like, we have not laughed that hard at a show or movie in a long time. The umpire was great. And then it just slowly comes apart and just becomes a bit. depressing and makes no sense and it's silly. And there's a murder? It becomes a total murder mystery thing.

And then it just becomes, actually, it turns out, well, I don't want to get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it started with like, hey, these guys are suburban, boring who are getting weird sex funky. And they're so funny. That's a great angle. Yes. I mean, interested.

But once you get to murder it, I'm like, this is just every other show now. And then the jokes go away and the sex goes away. And you're just left with, like, sad assholes. Oh, I hate a sad assholes. Give me a happy asshole. Like mine. Hey, folks, when you're starting a business, as we all will have to soon, it's important to have a good team.

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I just drooled behind millions of businesses. They have easy-to-use tools to help your business grow all in one place. I'm serious. If I didn't have Shopify, I would be effed. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a moron. Chuck's a moron. Mark's a moron. Three morons. But we use Shopify, so we're killing it. Customize your brand in the Shopify Design Studio. Reach customers quickly with their marketing tool. Shopify can even help manage inventory and international shipping. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner Shopify and start hearing sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Go to Shopify. Dot com slash Tuesdays. One more time, that's Shopify. com slash Tuesdays.

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he was paying for that he didn't use. Wow. Thirty-five. I mean, that's got to be a record. That is crazy. So right, if you're anything like Bobby, even if you have five, six, I just went through my own I had a bunch. So get on there. Get on it. Hit him with that

verbatim mark. He'd probably save five grand doing that. Absolutely. Let Rocket helping you reach your financial goals faster, join at rocketmoney.com slash Tuesdays. That's rocketmoney.com slash Tuesdays. One more time, rocket money.com slash Tuesdays. All right, well, let me get into some of this stuff because this is fun. And I can't get too crazy to detail, but some fun things happen. Well, you know, you get the whole thing.

I see. I see. But went out to Ohio, did a big Ohio run. I never do. I love Ohio. Ohio is one of the great places. As goes Ohio, so goes the nation. Most presidents.

Oh, yeah. I think we might have had that discussion at one point. Calhoun, the other guy. Garfield is buried out there. I hate Mondays. Lazzania. Oh, I see. Did they name him after the president, I wonder?

I doubt it. Okay. Maybe. Maybe. But they got that cemetery that's amazing. They have the best little Italy, Mama Santas. You know how much I love Mama Santa's. Then they have the cemetery as Alan Freed, Elliot Ness.

Wow. James Garfield, that guy from American Splendor, I always forget his name. Harvey, Peacar. Pekar. Yeah, Pushcart, Pekar. And I think somebody else is there. Wait, wait, who's Reed? Alan Freed.

He invented the term rock and roll. He was like the first guy. He was like, here we come, rock and roll. He was a DJ. Oh, wow. And his tombstone is a jukebox. Oh, I love it. And there's a Peoria.

That's a different state. Yeah. What about Peoria? They got a jukebox club. Oh, the club. Oh, yeah, damn. It's right next to the home run dirt. What do you call that?

Demolition thing. So in the middle of your set, you're saying, is that right? Yeah, literally you can hear cars crashing into each other during your set. Wow. Again, back when white guys were crazy. But Ohio's got crazy. Ohio is fucking great.

Best state flag, too. They have like the kind of triangle pennant-looking thing. I don't know the flag. With the circle and the stars. Oh, H. You know, Sarah had an interesting point about Ohio. She's like, this is like cold Texas. Ooh, I love it.

You like that? I like it. It's similar in that, you know, you kind of have blue cities, but red all around. Yeah, yeah. Votes similarly. A lot of wide open spaces. Yeah, a lot of wild dudes. Everybody lives in cities.

You know, Texas, you have Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Austin. And then Ohio, you have, you know, Dayton, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Toledo. Sure. Sure, sure. A lot of flat, a lot of farm, a lot of kind of country vibes, a lot of state pride, obsessed with college football. You have the huge college football. Yeah, a buck guy. You have the buck guys.

You have the longhorns. Oh, longhorns. Yeah, longhorn. You kind of have a similar vibes in many ways. That's true. I like that. And, you know, there's a Instagram handle, Ohio or Russia. And you have to guess.

Because there's so much wild shit going on in Ohio. and Russia, that you can't tell. No kidding. It's kind of like Adam Krolla had that game, Germany or Florida. Like, you would say a news story, and you have to guess, does this happen in Germany or Florida? That's fun. And Ohio has that with Russia. How about this Ron's going on his podcast?

How about that combination? What the hell is he thinking? That's what I said. I was like, you know what you're getting into over there? And he's like, what's the problem? Oh, I mean, all right. Corolla's a cool guy, funny guy, but boy, they are going to butt nasally heads. Yeah, well, it's tough to get a lot of words in on either one of their shows.

That's true. I mean, that's two guys that aren't doing a lot of like, what do you think? Yeah, and you got a nasly drone and a lisp. Just brillo padding it all day long. So check that out. That'll be interesting. I can't wait to hear it. So anyways, I'm going out to Ohio.

So I have Columbus Funny Bone book Friday, Saturday, two shows each night. And then Thursday, we had Toledo. Wednesday Warren, Ohio Never heard of it Nobody has War in Peace So

But you've heard of the club I know that Because when I went there The guy said Oh your boy Mark Is always talking about us Is that right? Yep

What's the club? The club is The Youngstown Funny Boat Oh Funny Farm Yes, I know it well They are none too pleased

With you Well they fuck So I stand by it. Well, this man, this gentleman who couldn't have been nicer Dave. Dave. He says, I love Mark. I love the show. I love you guys.

I'm a huge fan. He goes, Mark tells the story about the club all the time that they said, hey, why don't you get some fish? They upcharged me. And then they charge you for the fish. Yeah, and the beers. Well, Dave was on vacation. So he had, like, you know, his brother's kids or something watching after the club.

Oh, well, they screwed you, Davey. So they don't know how it works or whatever. They're afraid. Because I understand where they're coming from. Someone puts you in charge or something. Okay. By the way, quick side story. Sarah one time had a yard sale or a stoop sale here in New York.

We have no yards. Did a stoop sale. And then somebody, a friend of hers was like, oh, can I sell some stuff? She goes, yeah, I join it. You can sell some stuff. I'll sell it for you. Her friend comes, brings her stuff. she goes off to go get a sandwich or something.

Stoop doggie dook. She goes, the capital S.O. Yes, so Fresh, D-O-D-W-G, you see. So she goes off and goes, hey, I'm going to go grab a couple of, you know, whatever, hot dogs. Okay, the friend. Yeah, because you watch my stuff. So you probably see where this is going. The lady goes to buy a hot dog. Some asshole comes and goes, hey, how about this jewelry?

I'll buy some of this jewelry. And Sarah goes, five bucks. Oh. Sells it. The lady comes. back with ketchup on her lips and goes, hey, what happened to my jewelry? And Sarah goes, we sold it. She goes, oh, that's dynamite.

How much did you get? Sarah goes, five bucks. What is it? Diamond earrings? And she goes, what are you crazy? That was my grandmother's. It was on the Titanic. I was going to charge 300. 300? Oh, stoop? That's unheard of. They haven't spoken. I swear to God, they broke up.

It's over. Well, what do you do it? Selling high-end goods on a stoop? That doesn't mesh. Well, she threw hot coffee in her face. She hates Sarah. The swastick is on her windows every couple months. Man, well, she lost her ruby slippers, but that's on her. You got to maintain.

You got to stay back there, Coos. This is a true story, literally. She was like, are you crazy? That should have been 50 bucks at the minimum. And Sarah's like, it's a stoop sale. I don't know. Also, you got to put a tag on it, whore. I don't know what you're charging for your necklace.

Well, that's the thing. If you're going to be going off and riding fences during the yacht sale, you've got to say. You got to say. Hey, like if I was selling my old, you know, signed headshot and I went to have, I'm going to Starbucks. No less than 80 bucks for that, baby. Oh, you're not getting that. But I hear you.

Well, now some bronze walking around looking like Mr. T. full of jewelry and necklaces and beads and de blooms. Somebody got a treasure chest off of that for a Fitsky. Oh, boy. Anyway, so that's funny. That's a curb plot.

What was I even talking about? So we got a bone to pick with a Dave's cousin. Oh, so Dave's cousin. Yeah, so Well, he goes, yeah, exactly. This is exactly what happens. So Hot Dave, Hot Dave's chicken, or Dave's hot chicken, whatever it's called. He runs the funny farm, and he's a good man, this guy. He took care of me like, I've never been taken care of.

How'd you like the room? Well, this is a new room. Oh, oh, got it. So I'll get to that in a second. I did the original. But he goes, hey, yeah, Mark always tell. And he was laughing. He was like, Mark tells the story.

He goes, I feel terrible. Tell him, I'm sorry. He goes, I had someone else watching over the club. But this guy that was watching the club didn't want to pull a Sarah. A way to connect him So he goes Oh my God, yeah There's your chicken, your fish, your beer

And then he goes Oh boy, I don't want Dave to be mad at me It's 80 bucks You know, because he just wants Dave to come back And go, the drawer is short 90 bucks Sure, sure Well, it was more than 80 but keep going Well, whatever it was

So wasn't his fault They love you Wow, okay, look this is years later I accept your apology And I'll take a Venmo He's a good man. And by the way, if you're working on a new hour and you want to, if you're straight through towns, Warren, Ohio. I don't know if I can afford this club.

It's a little gnarly. So long story, I'm all over the place. So we did Warren, and that's about an hour from Cleveland. Okay. So as you know, my ex-girlfriend lives there. We're friends now. I say to Sarah, I got a great, one of the great wives of all time. I go, what do you say?

We come out. We had kids at the same time. You know Sarah from the old days. People go, what the hell? This is great. Sarah goes, okay, that sounds fun. So we fly out there, bring the wife, the baby. We go meet the husband and the babies.

Okay. It's like a big Brady bunch scenario there. It was very fun. Love it. Different than the Brady bunch, I guess. We fly out there. So now I'm flying to Cleveland, early flight eight in the morning because we want to have time to hang. So me, Sarah, Marty, we fly to Cleveland.

We rent the car. We go out. We meet up with my friends and our friends. Hey, you remember them. You remember this. Marty, this is this kid, that kid, that's kid. We're all jelling. Then we hang out.

It's fun. We're all running around the parks, the playgrounds, the beautiful house yard. The playground is fun. You're running around with the kids. It's great. Peanut butter and jelling. And then you go, well, I got a gig an hour away. It shows at 7p.

Oh, that'll catch out. You got traffic, too. Yeah, traffic. And I haven't showered. I'm wearing pissy baby pants. flat bedhead, airplane head. Yeah, yeah. That'd be fun to get airplane head.

Oh, man, that would be exciting. Virgin air. Just throw the blue blanket over there. Woo-wee. So now... Deadhead. That's good. So I'm doing this thing where I'm like, I got to go, but then the husband's coming.

He's like knocking off work early to come meet. Oh, no, but you got to go. And we're in his home. So I go, okay, well, I'll just stick around and meet, but you can't go. How do you do? Nice to meet you. Yeah. I'll see you later.

Yeah. And you don't know this guy. And we're starving. So we get there. We're like, all right, so food. So we start talking food plants. You want to go out to eat? Do we order food?

I go, let's just order. I'm always like, let's just order delivery. If we go out to eat, we've got three kids. Oh, what a nightmare. You got to sit, the whole thing. And then if the waitresses slow, whatever. What time we're looking at here? It's like five o'clock.

Oh, you're up again. Yeah, you're pushing it. Shows at seven. It's an hour car ride. So he goes, all right, I'll order pizza. And you're like, great. So he orders pizza. We start getting to know each other, chit-chatting.

The kids are running around. It's just good life out there. I know. The sky is blue, sprawling yard. If I told you what they paid for their house, you would jump into the East River with cinder blocks on your feet. Oh, my God. It's good for the back.

If I had to guess, it's about 15% of what you paid for your house. Sprawling, yeah. And it's levels, Jerry. I was lost in the house. Right. Toys up the ass. Beautiful place. Sure.

Beautiful town. So now the pizza comes. It's 555. You better believe it. I'm looking at Google Maps. If I leave now, I'm getting there two minutes for the show starts. And then you start doing well, there's a host and an opener. Yeah, exactly.

I got 30 minutes here. And you know me. I'm psychotically early. But then this man who I've known for 40 minutes just went and got me and my family pizza. Wham, bam, thank you. So you got to eat the pizza. And I'm like, literally inside just freaking out. Shows out.

Out. No chance of a shower. You wish. I'm literally wearing these pants. Golden shower. Warm up pants, dirty clothes. The back of my head is just flat. Haven't brushed.

Flat earther. So I eat the pizza and you do the thing where you're like, okay, well, I got the gig. So you know how you shift personalities? Yes, yes, yes. You go, well, it's such a pleasure to meet you. And will I see it tomorrow? I'll see you in the morning. This was great.

The pizza, the thanks. You didn't cement it going, hey, just letting you know. I got a skedoodle in about 30. Well, I had said that, but at the same time, this man just bought my family pizza. So you go, okay, thank you. Great to meet you. Great to see you.

I love the kiss on the lips for the kids. Take care. Get in the car. I go, get the car. We got to go. I'm late. A piece of shit. The baby is shit in his diaper.

He's crying. I go, I call my manager. I go, you got to call him. I'm late. What the fuck? And my manager's like, why are you so late? What's going on? I'm like, I was hanging out with my ex-girlfriend.

It was fine. We all got along. Oh, my God. So I got to drop them at the hotel. Oh, no, there's a stop. And then I realize I'm like, okay, I could change my pants. My suitcase is upstairs. So we got to run.

And I'm like, I'll be there at 722. Tell them to start. Then you also, this is the other thing. You don't want to hold the show. No, I hate the hold. Because now I'm in Warren, Ohio at 10 p.m. Everything's pushed back. Yes.

And I got to start my day early the next morning. So I run over the hotel. I run them upstairs because I got to bring up the suitcase, the other thing, the thing. So I run upstairs. Now the baby doesn't. want me to leave. Sure. Because he loves dad and it's bedtime. So I'm like, well, I got to go to work, so he's crying, he's got a shit in his diaper. So I just change his diaper. Minutes are ticking away.

Oh my God, you are pushing it, Faddy. And you know me, I'm compulsively, it makes me sick to be late. Oh, it's a man. You get hives. So I feel like Axel Rose. I'm like, the show is starting in a half hour. I'm leaving at 630. Yeah. So you go from that like, thanks for the pizza. Very nice to meet you. You're a lucky man. Ah! So I jump in the car and you have that feeling. You have to go zen. You're like, I can't change time. I've left when I've left. My manager calls the club. He's like,

they're all good. There's two comics before them. And I'm like, thank you. But also, don't hold the show. Don't hold it. Because I don't want to set the show 30 minutes late. Not fair to the fan. So I'll just let them know I will be there and I'll come ready to come on. And the whole time I'm driving, I'm like, I can't even want to do a show. I'm literally in dirty pants. Right.

Dirty body. Yeah. Hat head, bedhead, sleep head, no head. Bad feeling. People always say, what are your pre-show rituals? All I need is a shower. That's it. I don't care about anything else.

I don't know. Woo-woo, bullshit, push-ups. Just give me a shower. Give me a shower. I got no shower. So I'm driving out there, and it's beautiful out there. Bright green, fluorescent grass, blue sky, farm, spectacular. Start to get a little closer to Warren, which is a suburb of Youngstown.

Okay. Tony Hitchcliffe, I believe, is from Youngstown. That's going to come up in a second. Oh, shit. So it starts getting, you know, he starts getting in town. I'm like, now it says 11 minutes away, eight minutes away.

And, man, it's Western Union, gun store, burnt out house, Billboard after Billboard. Are you on meth? How to get off meth? Is your baby stolen? Is your father gay? Yeah.

Do you want to get off meth? Methadone Clinic. Sober Clinic. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What is this? A blue collar oxycott in town? I mean,

Gun store, liquor store. I'm in the shit. And I'm like, this is where guys give like stump speeches. Ah, yes. I was down in Warren, Ohio, and I met three black kids and one fat asshole. You know, it's one of those towns. So then as I'm driving in, I pull into the restaurant. It was like a time warp back to 2004. I pull into just a restaurant.

It's called 432 or something like that. Okay. There is no sign, literal or figurative sign of a comedy club. anywhere in sight. This is funny farm. Yes. Weird. I literally text my manager and I'm like, I think I have the wrong address. Because I'm just at a restaurant and he's like, no, no, that's it.

Whoa. So I go, what the fuck is this? I'm like double checking the address. I'm a half hour late. I'm dressed exactly like this. I smell like ass. I go in. In that town, this is a tuxedo. Well, that was the thing. As I pulled in, I'm like, this might be the best thing that ever happened.

Right. Because if I showed up with a Ted Baker and slacks, you get mugged. They would have been like, who's this homo? Exactly. You think it better than us? So I come in and I'm like,

is this, I can't express how much it made me feel like my early days in common. Oh, sure. I'm like, hi, I'm a comedian. They're like, oh yeah, down the hall, down the stairs. And I'm walking and it's just regular people eating dinner in a restaurant.

There's not one single, there's Jackie Boy. Boy, that took a while. Not one single funny farm thing. You go down the stairs, and then now there's like a picture of, a blurry picture of,

burnt. And you go, okay, here I am. Finally. Packed out, basement. You're literally in like the kitchen of the thing. Like with the storage area. Any milling about? No, no people, no list of maniacs? Well, there's no milling because I'm so late. So the crowd is seated. True that. As I'm walking down, you hear the guy go, are you ready to start the show? They held the show. Ah, hey to a whole. Don't held. What do you got? Lucas Hill. Here it comes. Thank you, Chuck. We appreciate you. Speer-chucker. Appreciate it.

All right. Whoa, you got your protein pack. There it is. Like a real Ghostbuster. Thank you. You put cream in it? Pizza pre-brands. Yeah, yeah, it's all brown.

Cream? Thank you. All brown like my neighborhood. Woo-hoo. You're a good man, Chuck. Thank you. How's that cookie looking? Cookies in there, I think.

This is very exciting. Make it 14. 14 times you got coffee. Maybe. I think that's bullshit. Put this bag next to my old cookie bag. Brownie. Boy, you're a good man, Chuck.

We're proud to have you. Oh, boy, very exciting. We didn't say anything negative while you're good. Damn it. No, no. All positive. Even Rupert got blown. You don't listen to the show, right?

All right. Smart move. Oh, the cookie's a little warm. Nice. Okay. Are we allowed to eat? Well, they don't like it, but we're doing it. apologies in advance.

That's right you. That's a meme or a GIF. Yeah. I think it's France. Jiff. That's what Sarah said. That's peanut butter. That's a good point.

Well, the choosy mums choose Jif. You got that right. Beat or paying? Well, I pee in my pants all the time. So any farts, I get there, and now I look in the crowd, and oh, man, it's Mickey. It's 130 people. Hold out. It's a good room.

All right. They got me set up in the back. You know, some of these rooms you go to your rider is just ignored. Sure. They got the biggest bowl of blueberries. Wow. Big old box of cookies. They got tea, bananas, strawberries.

A lady couldn't have been nicer. Nice green room. Nice couch. I needed a phone check. My car had no car jack. I hate that. She went and got me a charge. They couldn't have been kind or couldn't have been better.

Dave told me how he hates you, but forgives you. Thank you. And I got a big beef too. And they go, by the way, there's a big union guy. I think he was like a, he worked in the caves, the mines. He goes, he got you a big gift. Make sure to say thank you. I open it up.

Two full boxes of cigars. Oh, my word. This is a little strange. What do you think about this? Left the receipt in there. Ooh, he got you on that one. $760 with the cigars. Why do you put the receipt there?

I can't return them. Maybe I could, I guess. Wait a minute, that's too much money. $8 and a dollar and cigars. Two full boxes, beautiful cigars. Who's this guy? We got to give this guy a shout out and a go fund me. I'm giving him a shout.

I mean, I don't know his name, but this man, he lives in Youngstown. He was a bit, he looked like an extra from the departed or something. Whoa, Union. Big giant, serious guy, big cross around his neck. 750 bucks on Stoge's. It's unheard of. Oh, it was a, I mean, I've already gotten to work on them. two cents. They're fucking beautiful, nice cigars.

Wow. Thank you, sir. Go union and go America. Unbelievable. I come out. I get on stage. It's 133 people. 125 of them are men. You better believe it. 70 of them have killed Tony's shirt, son. The whole front row. Kill Tony. Tony. Tony. Tatoos. They have Tony tattoos. It's all killed Tony. Local boy makes good. Hometown hero.

It was wild. Oops. Sorry, a crumb went flying. I'll get it. Oh, I'll eat that. All right, there you go. Thank you. You talk.

I got to eat a brown. All right. Wow. Well, let me just clear the air with old Davy Crockett here because I don't know if people know about the ordeal. I think so. But tell them again. Refresh.

I'll give a quick verge. So I got a gig at this club at Youngstown called The Funny Farm. I show up. I'm nobody. It's a papered room. I'm eating shit. She was hot. And I'm broke. I'm a young comic. This is before my Comedy Central half hour.

I remember filming the show to try to get a half hour. That's how old this was. Comics are not even on air anymore. That's how long ago this was. So I sit down post show to have a meal. And the guy goes, get the swordfish or whatever. And I go, all right, I was going to get the burger. But all right, I'll get the swordfish.

And he goes, and you've got to get this wine. or these beers. His beer pairs well with the food or whatever. I'm like, okay. Then I had like six beers. And then the bill came, and it was $280, which was my whole profit. I think I made $300 on the weekend. And he sent me the bill.

It was like the cigars. I was like, why is the receipt here? And then I had to tip on top of that. So I lost money on the weekend. The guy screwed me. I felt like he did it intentionally to try to get some money back, like a casino. The house wins. and that was it, but I got the half hour off it.

Okay. Yeah. That paid like 10 grand. Yeah, something like that. Well, after taxes and the agent, maybe, probably like $800. But maybe, so maybe this apology, he wasn't expecting it to blow up. Maybe he's like, retrospectively is like, you know what? It was my cousin that day.

Exactly. Exactly. I'm just saying it's bad form. I'll pay for the meal, which I did, but give me a heads up. or I wouldn't have gotten 17 Sam Adams. That was my beef. Well, it's all water into the bridge. Yes.

You should book it on the getting a new act tour. I will. I'm down. Because it's fun and they wrote a check right out there. Boom, no bullshit. Great show. It was a hot show. Phil, Go Pack Joe was there.

He didn't message me. Wow. Which some of you fans, there's only a few of you, but Go Pack Joe. Message me if you're going to be there. He's number one MVP. I would have said hello. Love Go Pack. No, we've got a Go Back show since 2014, I think.

He's a O-G-T-W-S. He's as oh as it gets. I mean, that guy goes back away. Oh, yeah, old gay. So anyways, the show is awesome. It's like a stage literally three inches high. Yeah, I remember. Exactly the way I like it, just right on top of you.

Couldn't have been kinder. So do the show, jump at the car. Hot show. Hot show. I mean, the ugliest human beings have ever seen ever. I mean, literally. That's a good crowd. but your cortisol must have just dropped right when you got in that green room.

Felt so good to get in there. And then, like I said, you're like, I'm glad I didn't shower. I looked like what I'm up. I looked like I walked out of a coal mine. Exactly. Blackface and all. So drive all the way back to Cleveland the next day. This guy's taking a photo of your house.

The inspectors coming today, so I got the wife on it. Oh, okay. Hopefully she's good to go. Talk about that a little because I have brownie in my mouth. All right. So, you know, when you buy this house, they got the gas or the New York gas and room and board or whatever. This guy's going to come. He's got a badge on and a vest.

He sees us. He's coming right down. I better go to Chuck. You want to talk to him? Just tell them, we're here for you. We know you're here. See, DOB, the Department of Buildings, right on the vest. Just say my wife's upstairs.

She's ready. Oh, I hear her. Oh, she's on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's coming. Oh, okay. NYC, DOB, these guys are like the mafia. You cannot fuck around.

One time they showed up, but I wasn't here. I was out getting milk, and they chewed me out. They're like, you're never going to work in this town again. They almost lit the house on fire. So these guys are not fucking around. So the wife is on it. Okay, good. I had to buy extra smoke detectors.

I had to buy a... I saw this. Is this brand new? That's new. Are they going to have to come in here? Maybe. Because he looked like he wanted to come down here. Well, we'll get them on air, because I'd like some witnesses.

These guys will fuck your wife. You just thought of that makes me laugh. When I would think about it. Uh-oh. Here we go. When Wendy Lobel was filming us for... Oh, the anxiety movie. Just filming us for the anxiety.

In the old, old, old apartment. On 10th Street. We were filming in there, and there was... I didn't get a word of that. The camera guy, there was this much space for the camera and us, and for whatever reason, her camera guy, or producer. He like crouched down for a second.

You go, get out of the shot, you cunt. I don't know. He was like a 60-year-old guy. Wait. To him. To him. It was like a three-person crew. It was like Wendy or a camera guy and a producer.

And for whatever reason, we were recording the podcast. And he was trying to like, fix audio or something, you go, get out of the shot, you got. Oh, yeah. Well, he was right in the frame. I was like, oh, my God, these are like serious people. Yeah, a real journalist lady. Right. Friends, sweetheart of a woman. Very nice. Very nice. And then he's called him a gun. Oh, boy. I will remember that till the day I die. It was grace. You know, eye for an eye. Get out of the shot, you cunt. He was nice about it

He took it well Uh-oh Yeah Yeah, was that a knock or was that a knock I think I think somebody got hit over the head Hey Hey Oh sorry

We're doing a show if you want to get on the mic Yeah Not okay A smoke detector right up there Yep There it is There it is And there's one in the other room too

And there's one in the couple in the basement Feel free Walk around We're doing a podcast and a gay porn. He's very successful. There you go. Watch out.

There's a couple dead hookers in there. And that guy lives in there. Yeah. In the closet. He's a homosexual. All right. Thank you guys. Take care.

Nice to meet you. Cool vest. Okay. Okay. That'll get fired. That's kind of like Art Shell, the old Raiders go. Hey, shell gas. Well, this is awkward because now they can just hear us.

Well, they're serious men. That's true. They're men with jobs, Jerry. Get out of the shot, you could. So how does the show is good? The crowd was, I assume, hot. So I drive back to Cleveland. So now we get in the hotel. Sarah's sleeping with the baby in one bed.

There's two beds. So she's like, I'll just sleep over here with him so you can get some rest because you got the shows. I got shows every night. That's a nice lady. So I go to bed and now I'm still buzzing because I had a show and then hang with the ex and the husband. Then you start going through. You're like, was that offensive?

Should I not have seen? You know how you meet someone important to you? Totally. You start going back through. You're like, oh, I said that joke. Was that crazy? Story my life. So I'm laying to bed, not falling asleep because I'm thinking about it.

Then you have the show. You're like, should I have stage? Should I have done this? Should I have done that? So you're just staring at the ceiling. Finally doze off around 1 o'clock in the morning. Wow, that late. Three o'clock in the morning.

I hear, I want to go to Daddy's bed. Marty wakes up to what's coming to my bed. Okay. He loves me. What can you say? He's a fan. Secure attachment. So he comes over to my bed.

I go, okay, I don't mind sleeping with you. I'll sleep with you, buddy boy. I go get in my nook. You get some in the nook. And then you settle in, you go, all right, I'll sleep with the boy. It's like a comfort blanket. And then his piss fills the bed. So now I'm soaked.

I have to get up early in the morning. I've been driving all day, flying all day, show, meeting the husband, all the stuff, wife and ex, and ex, hanging out, dogs and cats. Mass hysteria. fills the bed with piss. No, no. Dipe? Well, they just pissed right through the time.

Oh, wow. Interesting. Well, so it turned out I had to buy diapers early. I bought the wrong cat. It doesn't matter. So now I got to get him up, change the diaper, put a towel down, move to the side of the bed, switch beds. Now he's up. My whole towel is on.

Oh, no. So now hopefully he'll fall back. So I'm kind of half drifting to sleep. Yeah. But at like quarter of five, he's like, I want to watch Miss Rachel. He's up. Wow. He thinks he woke up.

Yeah, right. But he struggles on the. road. He said it's a strange place. That's fair. Yada yada. At least there's no time change. So you go, okay. So, well, we'll try to fall asleep while watching the show. He doesn't fall asleep. So finally like 515, I have this moment. I'm not sleeping. He's not sleeping. Let me at least let the wife sleep. Okay. So I go, let's go get in the car. Good man. Oh, my lord. It's pitch black. I throw on pants. I put pants on him. I'm a hero. You're a hero. Throw him in the car. We drive around. But now he's jacked up. He's excited. He thinks

he just slept through the night. Right. He comes out. He's obsessed with the moon. And what time is it? Five, fifteen. Well, I guess he got like six hours, seven hours. No, more than that.

I mean, he went to bed. He usually sleeps from eight to seven. He went to bed probably at eight. He went from eight to four. So it's still, yeah, six, seven hours. Yeah, you're right. Sorry, my math is all. That's for a kid.

That's a night. Wait, no, yeah. It's like eight hours. It doesn't matter. Okay. So we get in the car. I go, okay, he'll fall asleep. But now he sees the moon.

He's jacked. up, he's excited. So now he's going crazy in the back, and he's overtired. I call it like Terminator 2. Remember the under Terminator 2? He turns into everything he's ever been. Yes, yes. That's what the baby's like. He starts doing every kind of voice. He's doing Rachel. He's doing Bluey.

He's doing me. He's doing, he's farting. He's yelling. Yes. Rachel profiling. And so now I'm just driving around. And I don't know this town. We're out in the suburbs in Becestown. So I'm just like cruising around. And then I'm like, the only neighborhood I know is where her house was. So now I'm like a psycho boyfriend driving

by my ex-shouse over and over again, because this is the only street I know. So I'm doing laps around the neighborhood. I'm just driving around. I look like a psycho. This is a very affluent neighborhood. And maybe a petto, too. He looked like a kidnapped a kid. You're just bringing him home in the middle of the night. So it's pitch black. I got one eye open,

jizzed my hair a hard on, and I'm just driving around a very nice neighborhood, and I'm going around past the same houses like 50 times. Oh, man. And what's he doing? Like a dog out the window? He's screaming, crying, yell at it. Not crying, but he's like, he's having, he's going nuts, but fun.

Sure. And so I'm like, I gotta stay strong. He is going to fall asleep. He has to. It's 5 o'clock in the morning. There's no way. You have to. So after about 30 minutes of going,

and then he gets quiet, so you're like, I think he's going to sleep. And then he's like this. I don't see the moon anymore. You go, Jesus, fuck, I thought he was down. Damn, and I hate the moon. So finally he falls asleep. Now I'm like on the highway.

I'm literally driving around the highway in Ohio. Now, what's he, like, laid out in the back? Or what's the... He's in the car seat? finally dozes off. So I'm like, thank God. So I drive around for 30 minutes. Literally looping around highway here, over there. And I'm just thinking like, what time does Starbucks open? It's going to be, now it's like six. So he sleeps for about 30 minutes while I'm driving around. About 6.30, I'm like, I'm going to go to the library parking lot. Oh, I'll get some rest.

Whoa. This is crazy. So I pull into the library. And now I'm also afraid I'm just going to get like the, seriously, sir, you can't sleep here. With a baby. So I go and the parking lot's empty. It's also, by the way, the middle school slash library parking lot. So I'm a little nervous. Not allowed there. So I pull in, I leave the car running, but I put it in park, pull my hood up, I put on a little meditation thing. About four minutes, I'm like, I can feel my head.

Oh, good for you. Is that? Daddy, the sun is out. Look at that. The sun is out. I go, God! Wow. I got greedy.

I should have kept driving. I tried to have my cake and eat it, too. Right, right. I should have just kept driving. So now, whoop, he's up. And now I know there's no chance of him going back to me. Now he's up. So at least he slept for 30 minutes.

So now it's like 6.35 or something like that. Or whatever. No, it's like maybe it's quarter or seven. So you're on maybe four, three if you're lucky. Horrible and bad sleep. And then the day before I didn't sleep. So I go to the Starbucks. And now he's jacked up.

We got some croissants. We have a coffee. I text Becca. I'm like, you up? How ironic She's got a baby The ex gets the you up again Yeah so I'm like

We're just hanging out Because we're homeless I don't want to go back to the hotel Because Sarah's trying I'm not trying to get my wife to get some rest It's like just get someone in the house some rest Yes yes Because then maybe she can get you some rest later

Exactly So she's so Becca's like I mean I'm up the kids are up And I'm like All right we'll be over her house is 60 seconds For the Starbucks So now we're over there This is huge

This is one thing about kids They will bring people together Oh yeah So now he's punk because they got toys up the... You take a New York kid and you shove them into the suburbs. Oh, heaven.

He's never seen anything like this. Yeah. And they got two kids. So there's like airplanes, tigers, trucks, everything you could ever imagine. Totally. So he's just like, this is the greatest day of my life. Love it.

So now she's like, all right, I got to take my other kid to school. She's like, you guys can hang here. But her husband went to the gym. So I'm like, well, I can't have this guy come back and me and his son are just in the house. That feels weird. Canoodling.

So I'm like, all right, I'll leave too. So I call Sarah. I'm like, listen, your sleep is up. We're coming. So we go back there, and then she's up now. So she's going to Orange Theory. It'll go work out. So we go drop her at Orange Theory.

Then we go back to the house. We all play. The kids play, boobly boo. And that was fun. He's just hanging out with her kids. So I'm like, can I just leave him here? And she's like, of course. So then Sarah and I got a little meat time, a little free time.

That's incredible. I tried to get laid, but she was like, what are you talking about? I just worked out. You haven't slept. And I'm like, I don't know. You're not sleeping. It has to do with not getting late. Yeah, that's a good point.

I have a point. So anyways, we do that. So now we go back to the house. We hang out the house all day. It's glorious. The kids are having fun. They're getting along. It's a beautiful day.

We're all laughing, telling stories. It couldn't have been better. Did you get a nap? No nap. Oh, my man. You're a fucking Terminator. So now Matt Wayne is flying in because he's opening the rest of the weekend. Where at the Funny Bone?

At the Toledo. We've got to go to Toledo. Ugh. So Matt flies in. So then you get this one. So now, once again. Again, we're hanging out. Her older son comes home, and he's, like, excited to hang out with old Uncle Joe.

Hey! So we're hanging out, and I'm like, just so you know. You know how kids are. I'm like, just so you know, I got to head to the airport to get my buddy. And then he's like, no. Oh, sure. So then you're like, it's like the night before. I'm like, well, we'll stick around.

Oh, we don't have to get there. We're pushing it again. Then you get this. Matt Wayne. Hey, I landed 35 minutes early. Oh. And so now I'm 30 minutes away. I'm in my underwear.

Wow. in her broad panties. I'm like, okay, well, we'll be there in an hour. Yeah. So now I'm just leaving a guy at an airport. Yeah, tell me, get Uber. Yeah, that's not bad, but it's the opposite direction. What does that mean?

Well, because we're going to Toledo, which is west, the airport's west. Ah, oh, you're on the way. The airport's 30-minute west. Then Toledo's an hour west. So I go, okay, we've got to pack it up. We say our goodby's, great time. I can't believe we pulled this off. What a fun thing.

That was special, you know, boob-loy-boop, skip-by-bop. Everyone's friends now. All works out. Wonderful. Couldn't have been nicer. We hop in the car, so now I'm texting Matt and go, okay, we're coming. We're on our way. 35 minutes.

We'll be there. Go pick up Matt at the airport. I haven't picked him up at the airport since 1985. I know. It's a throwback. It's very strange. So he jumps in the car. So now it's me, Sarah, Marty, Matt.

Hey, happy family. We got a party. Road trip. We got about 10 minutes at the airport. We're heading west. Becca, I think she's going to write. That was the most fun ever. I can't believe we're all best friends again.

This is great. Marty's shoes are here. Oh, fuck it. We'll go to Target. So I left the shoes because it's one of these houses. You've got to take your shoes off. Ah, what are you Asian? So I go, well, that's his only pair of shoes.

Oh, we can pick up a shoe. But we're already 45 minutes west. So I'm like, fuck me hard in the ass. So I go, okay, will you mail those shoes? I'm like Costanza. I did a leave behind. Sure. So, okay, so now he's shoeless Marty Jackson.

Yeah. So we drive out to Toledo, and I haven't been to that funny bone since the 80s. Perrysburg. You're a shoeing. Last time I was at that funny bone, I opened for Chad Daniels, and we went and saw the first Hunger Games together. Oh, my words. What year was that? Can you look up what year the first Hunger Games came out?

Hold on, let me guess. 2011. I was dating Sarah and I think still drinking, so I think you might be dead on. Wow. I think I was newly dating Sarah. March 2012. Okay, yeah, there you go. So I started dating here in June,

so we've been dating for nine months. Hey, good movie. Because I remember making a couple comments about women. You know how you're like, look at this. Look at this piece of pussy. I wouldn't mind sucking that pussy lip. Yeah. And Chad's like, don't you have a girlfriend?

I'm like, yeah. And he's like, oh, so what's your girlfriend like? I'm like, Sarah Talamash. She's like, I've been friends in there for 10 years. And then I'm like this. Oh, I'm busted. Because I've been like this. How about we fuck her?

Why don't know what I think of her? And he's like, you're dating my friend. I know, but I can still look at a lady. It's a look. Exactly. I mean, he was cool. But I got paranoid, but he's like that. He's one of these good guys, you know.

All right. He's a great guy. Great guy. Stand-up guy. And he claims I buried him there, but I think he's very humble and sweet. Most humble guy on the planet. But I do remember him having a bit of a snap set. He was doing this during his set.

He was going, he'll do a... It was like 300 people in the crowd. He was just doing that for like five minutes straight. He'll troll you. He does not give a fuck. I'm like, please like me. He's like, Blow me.

Exactly. Yeah, he claims I buried him, but I think, wait, what? This episode's over? I mean, he went to get coffee an hour ago. I thought we were like halfway through. Seriously? Yeah. You're getting your wonky neurovirus back.

I haven't even gotten through any of my stories. Well, we lost a shoe. You got no sleep. You did the funny farm. I guess we had the brownies. We had a brownie. I had a cookie. I don't know an episode fly by like this.

We literally had two guys walk in at one point. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Too much was happening, I think. So much happened. You're overtired. Well, we'll give them extra because we had the brownie there. But so anyway, I mean, nothing crazy.

Went to Toledo. That was fun. Ooh. Then we did the Toledo show. Then we had to pack up and go to Columbus. Good God. This is an eventful weekend. It was wild.

I mean, just car rides with the baby. So you have your friend, your baby, your wife, trying to manage all of it. I can't believe you didn't have a snap set. No, they were all great. And then, yeah, I guess that was basically it. Oh, so this is the last thing. So Columbus, we drive all the way from Toledo, Columbus, two and a half hour ride. You know, we're blasting music.

We're having fun. Marty's silly. Matt's great. Everybody's great. You just feel so grateful. And then also, of course, like, I just merged my family with my ex-girlfriends, which is a big. That's a good move. Challenge, but it was like, it was beautiful, wonderful.

Everyone's happy. We're going back. It was great. And so you just feel like this sense of pride that we were able to do. do this. And then you got Matt joins the group. So it's like a different group now. Different vibe. Good vibe. It's just great. The shows are all packed. The fans couldn't be

nice. And the weather's great. So then I drop off Sarah and Marty, get them settled into the hotel. Okay, I got two gigs. And I tell Sarah, I'm going to go over a little early so Matt and I can go have dinner. And I just want to be an adult and settle before the shows. Because the other nights we had

one show. Now we have two. Two shows. So two meet and greets and all that. So I'm like, we're going to go over, have a nice dinner and relax so I can feel like regular road. This is Friday evening. And this is Columbus. Columbus. So we go to Brio, that restaurant. You ever go there?

Italian restaurant's good. So we're eating. Okay, great. So we walk a couple laps, get some steps in. Get our Starbucks heading over to the show. It's about 10 minutes where the show starts. Sarah calls. She goes, you got the wrong diapers. You got pull-ups for potty training. Marty just pissed all over this bed.

That's why I went everywhere. Yeah. She goes, so she's pissed all over this bed, too. I just realized these are the wrong diapers. We need diapers. Ah, God, this is my whole childhood is this bedwetting. She's like, these aren't for through the night. And I'm like, but he's going to bed in 10 minutes. I have a show.

And she's like, well, he's going to keep pissing in the bed. These are like underwear. So I'm like. Can you Uber? I know I'm not supposed to give an example or give ideas, but they get that Uber pickup shit. You know what I'm talking about? I think maybe you can do that. I didn't even think it.

I don't know how that works. So you know what I felt like, exactly like Ray Leota, what you need to go to the hat? I'm like, what could I do? The hat. She won't fly without a diaper. So I go, all right. So it's like that close-up shot of the key.

I grabbed the keys. The show's starting. There's a weird guy in a wheelchair mixing up a pot. I go, I'll be right back. So they're like, we're starting. And I'm like, it'll be fine. Because I'm like, he'll do 20 plus 12. I got 32 minutes.

The show starts in two minutes. Wow. I got 34 minutes. You're looking out for choppers. Exactly. It's funny, all right? It's funny. One of the great deliveries of all time.

Yeah. But anyways, I jump in the car. I got to run to CBS. And it's like, da-na-na-na-na-that goes May. So I go get the diapers, run back. And it's the weirdest feeling when the show is going on. And I'm out and about. That is.

I'm out of register with diapers and my show's happening. Cookey. So I run back and I go, I text Sarah. I'm like, I can't even open the door because I can't handle the. saying hello and goodbye. I have no time to hug or anything. So I literally leave the diapers outside the hotel room and knock and just run.

Oh, my Lord. So she won't see me. I love it. I run back. Matt literally has the light. I get back. Now, I've been driving all day. I drove from Toledo to Columbus, the X, the shoes, the shit in the pants, the piss in the bed.

What a saga. I haven't even thought of anything. And it just goes, here's your headliner. Oh, what a dad of the year. My God. Wild. And didn't get much of a thank you. But it was fantastic. And I'm joking. She says thank you. Show is okay? Show was great. All the shows were great. It was a great weekend.

Do you tell the crowd? You guys don't know what I'm covered in piss. I'm covered in jizz. I haven't had sex. I'm on no sleep. I've been to Toledo. I've been to Cleveland. I've been to Warren. A little bit. Okay. There was a lot of riffing. It was fun. But great weekend. God bless Ohio. And I can't wait you to go back to Cleveland. All you want to do is go to hilarities. But you don't want to. hit the market too much, so I'm doing all these other things. I'm there in a month. We'll be back. And then Sarah, I've got to throw this out there. Sarah just booked. I booked her so we could go back out there. She's going to do a Sunday at Hilarities, June 29th, I think, in the big room.

Go see the lady. One night only. So go to that. We'll be out there. It'll be fun. Anyways, we've got to wrap it up. Get on the Patreon. We've got a great Patreon. We're going to have Bill Burr is going to be on there. Oh, L.A. baby. Here we come. We just filmed a bunch of behind the scenes at Sesh. That'll be out there. You and I can do another. Maybe we'll do it behind the scenes at the live part.

Oh, I love it. That'll be big. We're going to really put some work on this Patreon. Oh, it's the best one flying right now. Absolutely. And Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian. Of course, there's four specials of mine on YouTube. Tell them about all your stuff.

I'm on Netflix right now. Check it out. Let's keep that thing going. Get some bodega cat. Get on the Patreon. And I'm in Raleigh, Spokane again for the third time this year. Irvine, California. Chattanooga might have happened already

and some other stuff. Philly. Charleston, North Carolina, Charlotte, and what do you got there? Shuckle Hut. Charleston? Isn't that South Carolina? South Carolina, sorry. Check on my podcast, Funbearable,

and more importantly, we're working on a very cool film project. We're looking for some final backers for this film project. So if you want to DM me at Discom, Count Chuck on Instagram or Twitter to find out more about the project. If you get some cash sitting around, hit me up. Yeah. I'll show you some stuff.

I'll let you know. I'll let you behind the curtain, let you know what we're working on. And yeah, man, it's going to be a lot of fun. All right. I'll take some cash, too. Thank you, folks. We'll see you in hell, queef it up. Oh, H.

I owe my dad. A couple hundred. Hey, ho. See in hell. Comedy.