Tuesdays with Stories! - #655 Fart In My Mouth and Call It a Love Story

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

Mark goes to Nashville with Shane Gillis and runs into Luis J Gomez! Then he heads over to see Aladdin on Broadway, disappears and goes to hang with William H. Macy! Joe narrowly avoids a shiv and gives up a sick addiction! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories -Support the show & get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com  -Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is fitting at May. We're back. Good to be here in the old studio. Yeah. Oh, is this lunch stuff two? Two, three, four. Who knows how many kids Nick Cannon has? We've had a lot of studios, folks.

I think we finally landed on the best studio. This is it, baby. We're here. We're queer. Lockstock and two smoking anals. We got pictures on the wall. We got a basket of water in the closet. We got a bathroom down the hall.

The water's almost gone. They're down to one or two, I think, there. I got to get some more water. But, well, I mean, the hard thing, the window's a little distracting. Sure, sure. And a little scary every once in a while, a package or a murderer or a rapist or whatever. That's all just Chuck. I throw a little panty up there.

But, you know, we got the kid upstairs sometimes. You got a comfortable couch. You got a Starbucks nearby. Chuck can go down there and get it for us. We got the photos. We got the stuff. Oh, yeah. We got merchandise and memorandum.

We got our feet up. We got AIDS. Now, this is the best studio. What's the worst studio? I already know what it is. Oh, really? Yeah, you go. Well, let me go through.

We had my old apartment. Whoa, we had, stand up New York. State of New York. My old apartment. Midtown. Right? Is that it? Well, there was serious radio for a minute.

Oh, yeah. I don't even count that. That was the worst. That was like 15 episodes. Yeah. And Black Lou, who's a sweet guy. was there, though, but we can't have just a black guy in the room. No, we're trying to make jokes here.

I mean, it was terrible. And he loved us and laughed and he gets everything. Oh, yeah. He gets it, but you're still like, shit. And you look over this guy like, ugh. I'm like this. Well, not you. I'm kidding.

I felt like Michael Richards in there. That was tough. It was too sterile and studio-e, and it was somebody else's. That one stunk. Stunk. Stink, stank, stunk. Then we did my apartment for a minute, which was in my bedroom. We did like eight episodes of my bedroom

Right on that couch Which was weird because my wife was just on the other side of the door And I'm like, you know, talking about how I want to have sex with Chuck's mom And that was weird And then my bedroom is there So it was a very cut couchy And we did the basement You're a queen's basement

We did that a couple times That was never home That was out of studio That was a substitute Yes, yes And then we had your Two old apartments Oh we had Benetta Lane

Yeah Manetta Lane was big That was a long time. That's where Chuck fucking entered the seed. The biggest regret of our life. Yeah. All down the hill from there. I can't look over there.

You're like Black Lou. I can't look. I would like to, you know what I would like is a breakdown. Some autistic asshole or an autistic nice guy. Do the breakdown of episodes of how many in each place. Oh, please. In my mind, Tuesdays was, I mean, a fucking. Stand Up New York is still the most, but maybe it's not anymore?

I think Midtown is the most. What do you mean Midtown? I think 45th Street or whatever that was. What are you talking about? Grand Central. Oh, I forgot about that. That was the most. Yeah, yeah, we had the scary lawyer.

We had the Kitchenette. Wow. Remember, I didn't have a key card. I had to jump the turnstiles every day. I like blacked that out. We were there for at least two years because we wanted to leave and we missed the deadline to not sign our leave. We had to get our money's worth.

That's right. We had that shitty furniture. That might have been the worst, only because it was giving me horrible anxiety. And it was expensive. Literally, it was a hallway full of lawyers. Like, legit, in a suit, Jewish man who read. And we were just going,

my cunt is bleeding. My cock is fat. Right, exactly. Yeah, the walls were thin. We could hear everything. A lot of old men in there. I remember they'd walk down the hall and it was like an old folks home

that Cuomo hit. And then you had those two Puerto Rican broads right when you walked in right behind the desk and they'd go Hey Joe, we heard about your labia piercing. They loved us. They listened.

Oh, no, they were great. You constantly called them fat like all the time. Who him? No. Not bad. Both of you. No, more him than me though.

I didn't count. No, I never said fat. I don't say fat. I'd never say fat. Have you heard about Rupert? Wow, he's fat Oh boy Well, whatever

We love you ladies Fat like pH Yeah That shit is fat There you go Like avocados Absolutely The good fat

Eggs and Lizzo Chuck There you go But anyways I forgot about that But I still feel like in my head We were at

Stand Up New York For like five years Were we? Probably that was the shell of the years When did we finally left there to go to your Manetta Lane apartment. I guess so, yeah. Which is where we shot the Wendy Lobel movie. Well, I think we got iced out because we had to do

remember we did that back room that was big with all the records on the wall. That's what we started. Then we moved it over to that little room. Yes. And then they were like, we're changing all this and canceling the podcast. No, we left them, I think. Oh, okay. Because we started to do it independent, didn't we? I guess we figured we save a buck by not having a rent. So we went over to my pad. And then who was doing it? And then we just did it by our... Oh, we sent it to Shelby.

Yes. We mailed it to Shelby. Then Chuck pushed him out aggressively. Very big push. And, but we remember we would just push record and hope we got it. And then I would send it to Shelby because we were trying to avoid him. Yeah, well, I can remember. No, he had wacky legs. He couldn't get up the steps. It was four steps. It was COVID. It was COVID.

COVID. Because when I showed up, you were filming it with like a skateboarding camera by yourself. Microphones were fucked up. And Shelby was, what do you got? Coborbitity or whatever. He had gonorrhea. He had scurvy. He had lupus.

Well, he hated us. I thought he hated us, but it turns out he liked us. But he didn't have the face to prove it. He was like, this was him most of the time. Well, you've got to get bigger lips. So that was, that was tough. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Chuck's the opposite.

Chuck's like deaf comedy jam over there. who, who, who, who. But when did we, wait, fart of my mouth and call it a love story? What, uh, so we had Shelby, we just, oh yeah, that's what I was going to say. I remember leaving your apartment in Manetta. Yeah. And just watching you with a disc and sliding it into the laptop. And as I left, I'd be like, oh, boy.

Yeah, I didn't think this. I mean, isn't it crazy? And I think about this during Zoom, during COVID, that like, I would record an episode and send it off. I know, all the time. And then you would take a file and put it in. I wouldn't trust you to upload and send a thing if my life depended on it or whatever it makes sense.

You want me in charge of the Epstein files because I'll lose it. I'll fuck it up. Like if you were on the island, give it to him. He'll fucking up. So yeah, those were tough times. I had to go to Wii Transfer. Yeah.

It was a nightmare. I think I'm still paying money monthly to Zoom. I have a Zoom account because I was running AA meetings and podcasts. I still pay money for Zoom. I haven't used it in 10 days. I never got the money version. Oh, yeah, I always had the money version. The nice thing about the non-money version is it ticks down.

You're like, oops, sorry, got to go. Oh, that's right. That's right. You get out of it. What about Chad G. G.B.? You got the money? Do you pay for that?

No, I got the free chat, GB. Okay. Some people do the upper tier where you get free anal or whatever. That's how they get you. Well, anyways, we're in the lunch stuff seven, and we're Glad to be here. I would like a, I'd like a breakdown. Can somebody break it down?

Please. Because I still would bet stand-up labs is the most, but I might be fucking out of my tits. And can I say it? And feel free to push back here, fellas. I think Manetta, that was our best work. Now we're cooking. Obviously, right?

Now is always the best. But Manetta was when we really leveled up, I think. Really? I don't know, about leveled up. We had a cat walking through. Yeah, the cat was. big. I'm not saying career-wise. I'm saying when we were really humming. Yeah, I guess

so. A lot of hum. I think stand-up labs because stand-up labs, we were just firing off. Well, that's true. N-words and F-words. And you were fucking 300 fat girls that could move. Yes, Rupert. Yeah, I'm in that. And I think people love that time period. The Labs' days was wild west out there. That was not pretty. I mean, to the point where most of the episodes we release them, they're

12 minutes long. Because it was like, cut that, Cut that, cut that, cut that. And it just felt like our mic cords were just not even plugged in anything. We were just wheeling and dealing. I don't think, because I remember thinking, nobody's going to hear this. Yeah. So you just let loose. And we had, I had no jaw.

I had no work. I was like, boy, I opened for Tommy Johnigan. I made 11 bucks and a fat girl sniffed my panties. Yeah. My father's gay. Right, right. The Schumer and the Louis C.K. of it all really saved us. And we were there when I met Springsteen.

and all the Louie stuff. That was all at stand-up labs. Wow, is that right? Yeah, I remember sitting in the second stand-up lab studio telling you the Springsteen Paul McCartney's story, and you were crawling on the floor. And I know that because we didn't have cameras rolling. Oh.

Like, I told you about hanging out with a beetle and meeting Bruce Springsteen, and nobody filmed it. Oh. It's audio only. Wow. I mean, like half of our episodes, there's no camera going. Ooh, man. Yeah. I remember we started filming at Stand Up New York, and I hated it because I was like, this is a radio show. It's not a video. I'm so retarded.

Instagram, I was like, you're posting clips, you fucking idiots. That sucks. This is for sunsets. Podcasts. I was like, nobody's watching a podcast. Nobody wants a sunset. I'm Costanza. I have every opposite I have is the reaction of whatever, Apollo 13. No ads. I was like, we're artists, man. Ads are selling out. I felt like we're artists. Now I'll sell fucking, you know. Geez, Gaza tokens. Yeah, cocaine to Charlie Sheen or whatever you say.

Sure, yeah, you killed Matthew Perry, I think. But anyways, all right, let's get into it. Woo! The gardener's going to come in and out, so just a heads up. He looks a little bit like common. Oh, yeah. Like he looks like, oh, maybe not common. Who's the other, it doesn't matter.

The other character, an American gangster. He looks like him. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. He's kind of got a Jimmy Hendricks vibe. Okay, boy, I've been all over God's green earth here. Tell me about it, soul sister. Well, first off, I got to just give a shout out to the big Gill, Gilnet, Shane.

Oh, Shane Gillis. Because Shane Gearis. So we were, he texted me, I got to have an open weekend. Never have an open weekend. It was like I felt like Seinfeld where, you know, I'm even Stephen. Oh, yeah. Throw 20 out the window. Elaine.

You know you could have thrown a pencil up. the window and see if I got that back. That joke blew my mind when I was good. That was great. So he goes, hey, what are he doing this weekend? I go, I got nothing. He goes, you want to open for me in Nashville and Charlotte? I went, I'll be there, Faddy. Nice. So you pop out to Nashville,

Bridgestone Arena, sold out, the whole kitten caboodle, put you up in the Omni. I got off the flight. I got some, like, cool black guy drive. He's got a blunt in his mouth, a wife beat her on, and dreads. And he goes, most expensive hotel in Nashville, huh? Wow.

And I was like, I didn't book it. He goes, that's what they all say. Hey, that's funny. Yeah, yeah. By the way, I've done that arena twice. Isn't that crazy? What? With Louis in 2016, and then I did that corporate gig, which is my biggest regret of Tuesdays for stories.

Yeah. That was when I met Scott Hamilton, and then the guy told Scott Hamilton to watch the episode, and Scott Hamilton watched us describe him, and it makes me want to kill myself. Oh, that's tough. Because we were like, hey, he's a big, crazy homo. I love that horseshoe bald piece of shit. He can really backflip. And then some guy was like, you got to watch these guys talking about you.

And then one of my heroes watched us call him a queer and all this stuff. A bald homo. Yeah. Sorry, Scottie, we love you. Scottie, you're a hell of an athlete. But anyway, so how was the show? Tell me about it. Soul Sister.

Unbelievable. I mean, Nashville is a great comedy town. It was, you know, Derek Poston. No. He hosts. He's an Austin guy, cool, cool dude. Oh, I know Derek. You know Derek.

Yes, of course. He's always at the mothership. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's great. So Shane's like, hey, we'll meet downstairs in the lobby at 645. I'm going to go, great. I pop down at 644. Who do I see sitting in the lobby?

One rattlesnake Lewis Gomez. Whoa. I know. I was like, what the hell are you doing here? And right when you see Lewis, you're like, woo, we're getting crazy tonight. It's going to be hookers and cocaine, midgets and Puerto Ricans. Big, thick brown dick.

It's like a canister of cinnamon rolls of that cut. Yeah, I want to pop it. Put it in the oven. So pop down and see Lewis. I don't know you were here. He's like, yeah, I was in town. And so Shane's let me do some time. And I go, hell yeah.

So we get to the arena and it's Derek goes up at host. He brings up Lewis. Lewis is great to open. First of all, it's Shane's crowd. So you know they're down. But the opening joke is rape. Second joke is N-word. Third joke is fag.

He got everything out. Right. Within, and you see even the Shane crowd like, Jesus Christ, this is a little much. Like, slow down, fatty. Uh-huh. So then you get to go up there, and you're fucking Brian Regan. Sure. And then Shane goes up, the place goes crazy, the new hour's fucking awesome.

Then we just go, he's like, they got us a seat at Kid Rock's Bar, you know, like a brooped off area. And I was like, eh, all right. That's your boy, Kid Rock. I know, he's a queef. You're hanging out more with Crid Rock than I'm hanging out with, uh... Your wife. My wife. I see her quite a bit, actually. All right, all right. Chuck.

Veter. There we go. No, I see Chuck too much, too. Yeah, good point. We'll go Veter. He's a kid. Yeah, that's a kid. So we go to Kid Rock's boy. He's not even there, but, you know, he's out for landering. But I was like, this sucks. It's loud.

Is a guy playing Freebird? I don't give a shit about this. So we just go to a dive bar. The place is going crazy. Shane walks in. He's like a beetle. And we just drank the night away. I blacked out.

woke up my hotel room. I had the thing where you wake up at like 8 a.m. because you got a kid. So we got home at 5. You wake up at 8 and you want to kill yourself. And I texted the girl, the Shane assistant. I said, what time are we meeting in the lobby? She was like 11.

And I was like, oh, 11. So I'm so hungover. I can't sleep. I go downstairs. I'm queasy. You know when you're hung over and you're walking crooked? Yeah. Because it feels better than standing up straight.

Sure. So we get on the jet and I go, I'm getting a ball. Bloody Mary. And they're like, you sure you want to do that? You know, you drink it early. We've got a big show tonight. I'm like, I'm getting the Bloody Barry. That's the only way to kill this. Nice weekend off. So I get the Bloody Mary. I'm on the flight. We're having a good time.

I'm drinking the blood. I guzzle that thing. It was a big pint glass. And right after I guzzle, I get the... I had a feel. That's where this was going. I was like, huh, that's weird. But I felt better because I got some vodka to me now. So I'm back at it, but I'm like, blah, blah. All of a sudden, I start slow. and slowly like sliding down the seat.

And I'm thinking my head, I'm going to puke. This is it. It's happening. And I'm not a puker. I can't puke. I hate puking. I puke once a year maybe. Oh, boy.

And I go, I can't be the guy who pukes on a jet. I just can't do it. Now, who's on the jet? Paint this picture for me real quick. Lewis hit the brick. So it's just me, Derek, Shane, and his assistant. Okay. Yeah.

And everybody's having a great time except me. But I hate to be the wet blanket. Yeah. So I'm like slumped over and, James, like, you're all right? I'm like, I'm not good. And I had to do the thing where the whole flight, it was the longest hour of my life, I'm just fighting back puke.

I can feel it inching up right to the throat. And I'm sweating and you get the mouth water. And you start visualizing yourself puking. And you can taste it. Yes. My friend Ira used to say, you got to get mad at it. Get mad at it. He's like, don't let it get you.

Yeah, I got mad at it, but I was just holding it down because I didn't want to be the puke guy. I'll ruin a jet. Everybody loves a jet. Well, it's a little embarrassing. Yes, I'm 42. Plus, you can hear it. Those jets are small. The doors are thin. Yeah. And shake up going, go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. I'm like, I don't want to because then it'll happen. Yeah, it's like amateur hour. Exactly. I'm a child. We had a couple bops and you're throwing up. Get real.

We went pretty hard. But yeah. So I'm like, oh, God. Okay. Longest, however, I'm like in a pretzel. I've become the size of like a pillow. I'm just rolled over. Finally we land. We get in the black car. We go to the hotel. It takes forever. The whole thing.

I'm in the back, like sweating, trembling. I looked horrible. And we get to the hotel. You know what I hate these hotels where the lobbies on the second floor? You know these? You run in. You go, give my ticket or my key.

And then you go, oh, it's one up. Then you've got to hit the elevator. You're in there with six kids. You're hard. You finally get to the front desk. They give you the key. I run up. Open the door.

ran right to the bathroom, puked my brains out, it was all beat red, looked like a miscarriage from the 80s. Did you feel better after that at least? No, that was the weird part. It was weird because you puke and then you're back to just hung over.

Now, what were you drinking? Did you mix it up? I think I did. Sometimes when you mix, it gets ugly. I mixed and matched, mixed kids, mixed race. I did shots. Oh.

That's where they get you. 13? I know. Shots. I'm gay. You're a middle-aged, father, for God's sake. Well, I think that was part of it.

I'm like, I'm out. I'm out of here, baby. It's like a jail break. No kid, no wife. Give me the shots. Give me the booze. Give me the blow. Give me the whole thing.

Disgusting. Well, what's the last time you bact? Well, I had the vestibular neuritis a couple weeks ago. And that was a bummer. And then I had fucking sick crazy flu twice in like three weeks during the winter. So I've done a lot of peaking. But before that, it's a long time. I mean, once I stopped drinking, I stopped puking.

And then I had a kid and the puking came back. Yeah, puke it every three days. Yeah, I'm trying to do a bit about that. Kids, they're drunks. You know, you turn into a drunk, they're puking, they're shitting themselves, they're grabbing your wife's tits. Yeah, that's fun. It brings you back.

They're insulting you. Yeah, yeah, it is. So, yeah, then we have the show that night. You shower up, and you're in the shower doing the thing where you're like, come on, get it together. Enough's enough. What are you doing? I had that whole thing, like Leon R. DeCaprio in the trailer of

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. What a scene. Great scene. And you go to the show, and I'm slumped over, and there's all these athletes there. It's a Gillis gig. So you're out in Charlotte, and it's like, that guy's a hornet. He's a panther. He's a cougar. She's a milf, you know, whatever it is. You got Mugsy Bogues, Alonzo Morning. All these guys. Yeah. Morning Wood. And so I'm like, are you going to be able to go on? I'm like, I'll be able to go on. They're like, this is an arena. It's sold out. There's 20,000 people out there. You can't even walk. And I'm like, I'll be fine. So they call your name.

You waddle out there like an old lady. And then you get on stage and bam, I'm in. Stage health. Stage health. It's real. Oh, it's real, baby. So then I get off and I just feel horrible again. But Shane's like, hey, look, I hate to throw this out there.

But we're all going to the Zach Bryan concert. Wow. You know this guy? A little bit. There's 17 Zach and Luke. Yes. There's Luke Brian, Zach Brian, Zach. Brown.

Zach Braff. Zach Braff. He's different. Brad Wilson. Yeah. Coppelman. Man, I haven't thought about compliment in a minute. Oh, yeah.

He's a fun, fun egg. Love compliment. But is there another one? Luke Brian, Zach Brian, Zach Brown. Yeah. I think there might be another Luke. Luke Bell. Luke Combs.

Luke Combs. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. So I think I know. Zach Brown I know well, the other ones I know of. Okay. Brian. Okay. So I don't really know him, but I know the name.

Yeah, well, everything my buddy's like, don't go, just go home, you're done. But I say, fuck it. So once in a lifetime, we go over there, it's the Panthers Arena, open air, beautiful night, 75,000 whores and cowboy boots and sun dresses. Just singing along, there's a plump little blonde man on stage, wailing. And he's got eight million trumpet guys. He's got the slide guitar guy with a cowboy hat on. This is beautiful music. didn't know one song. They're all bangers. Wow. Well, that's the thing about live music. You see someone live, you're like, this is the best thing I've ever seen.

Unbelievable. I had a tear. I was doing a hockey talk. I had a jig. I'm a fan now. Wow. All right. So it was lunch, and we get there and they go, you know, we're standing in the cool area, the VIP, because we've got, you know who. And one guy comes up with a headset and a jean shorts,

and he's like, Jane's like, okay, okay. So then, before I know it, I look over. They're walking Shane on stage. he sings a Warren Zivon song. Wow. Which song? Lawyers, Guns and Money.

Wow. One of my all-time favorite tunes. That's a great fucking song. I love that song. I might make him my walkout music. But it was a hoot. You're like, look at this guy. He's up there.

And it's funny watching a comedian on stage with singers because they don't know what to do. You know, singers are like, and Shane's like... Right. Well, I've seen him do comedy jam, and it's funny. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, I'd be the same way. I'm just like, where do I do with my hands now? We're in the chorus.

That is so insane. It's insane that he's playing multiple concerts because he was at Notre Dame Stadium singing a song a few months ago. Right, right. So I told him he got back in the car. I was like, so tonight you played with your show and you played for 90,000 people about, 95,000. That is really wild. Really wild.

And he's like, all right, I'm going to go to Toronto. I'm in a music video with Drake. I was like, all right. Seriously? later. Yeah. It's like, it's too much fame. This is the problem. I don't know how you get off that train because every offer is incredible. Like if you're like, I'm going to take a break. I need a month off. And then you get a call. Hey, do you want to, you know, carry beyond Chevy Chase's shoulders during the Hall of Fame speech?

Hey, do you want to, you know, play for the Mets for a day? It's so hard to say no. I mean, do it. You can say the, I can't even say no to, you know, the graveyard podcast in the Bronx. I'll do it. But these are fun. You don't want to say no to that. I think he's like, hell yeah, I'm in. I'm just saying eventually it becomes hard because you can't ever stop.

Because every offer is like, do you want to make a million dollars for this? Do you want to make $300,000 for this? Do you want to be in this show? Do you want to be in this movie? Yeah. And if you go, hey, man, I need two weeks to do nothing. Then they call you and go, hey, I know you need two weeks to do nothing. But Martin Scorsese wants you to play the banker in his movie.

Right. All right, I'll take the two weeks next time. time. Yeah, true, true. It's got to be tough, but it also helped no kid, no wife. He can just do whatever the hell he wants. That's true. But what a life. And I texted him the next day all gay. And I was like, he's like, how you feel? And I was like, I'm good. But you live in this amazing life and you let us get a window into it for a second. Yeah. It's very exciting for us. That's very cool. Because Leo, I go back and I'm changing diapers. I can't wait for Boston. Oh, are you doing the TD? Yeah. I think it'll already be passed by the time this comes out. When does this come out? June something? I don't know.

May 11th? 20, 28? May 11th, yeah. I think that's over. Okay. Oh, it just happened, I guess. I was with them last night. There you go.

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Visit BluCu.com. From details and safety information, thanks to Bluchu for sponsoring the pod. If Bluchu works so well, I can't imagine what the hell gold is doing. Thank you. So the funny thing is you do this, and it was right for Easter, and I flew right out of there and went, did I talk about Easter yet? I think you talked about Easter, didn't you? No, my. I'm on the wrong notes.

Didn't you? Oh, you're right. I did. I think you went to Sandwich, you flew? Flew back and went right into my house and all my car. cousins are here. My wife's... I guess cousin.

Nephews? Nephews. Uh-huh. Wife's sister and her husband and their kids. Right. Nephew?

Yeah, I think so. Your wife's sister. Kids are your nephews? Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whoever you're not allowed to fuck. They were here. And, uh,

yes. Everybody. Oh, yeah. Well, legally. Yeah. Can you fuck your cousin legally? Yeah. Yeah. Well, what do I think so? Nephew, no, because they're underage. Well, I meant when you're married.

When you're married, is there like adultery or something like that? Isn't it like illegal? I don't know that's illegal. What is any of this? No, adultery is not illegal. So what is adultery then? Just mean? It's just a bad thing to do.

It's unethical. Oh, okay. I think it was bad in the 1840s, you know. Then it was illegal. At what point did adultery become legal? Give that a gog. I don't think it was ever, I don't know, I don't even know how illegal incest is. I don't either. That's why I'm asking.

Annal was illegal until the 90s. I got a bit about that. Hold on. Was adultery ever illegal? Impurity laws or something like that. Yes. Adultery has been illegal at various times and places and in some places it is technically still is. How about that? In medieval Europe laws influenced by the Catholic Church, ancient civilization, and early American colonies such as Massachusetts, adultery could be punishable by death.

That's got to be a fun day when they repeal that law. Hey, adultery's legal now. Woo-hoo! It's like prohibition ending. Oh, so it's a civil issue. Adultery has mostly shifted from being a crime to being a civil issue, like grounds for divorce. Handful of states still have adultery laws on the books, including New York, careful, where it is technically a misdemeanor. Okay, a misdemeanor.

Misdemeanor. Yeah. That was her name. You don't misdemeanor? She's good. That said, these laws are almost never enforced today and are widely considered. It's like stealing from Hudson News, I think. Oh, great.

Courts have increasingly viewed private consent. sensual behavior as protected their privacy rights, especially after cases like Lawrence versus Texas. Boy, what did Lawrence do at Texas? Elsewhere in the world, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line, adultery used to be widely criminalized, but in most modern Western societies it's no longer treated as a criminal offense. Even if old laws technically remain,

today it's far more likely to mass matter in divorce court than a criminal court. If you want, I can tell you specifically what the current law is in your state and whether anyone's actually been charged recently. Micro Macher machines. Incess is illegal in New York and can be prosecuted as a felony. That's not fair. This is America. So I can't fuck my wife? Why? Because we're related.

We're married. Folks. All right. So you come here. The nieces and nephews, they're running around. You're hung over. You're gay. Yeah, well, it's just one of those culture shocks where you're like, who, who, private jet, four-season hotel, hey, arena. Hey, Zach Bryant's blowing me. And then, uh, uh, oh, changes diaper. I got a monster truck on my face and, uh, you know, shit in my pants.

Yeah. Well, that's the, that's the way it goes. I guess. I guess so. But it's fun. It's funny. I'm good with kids. I can just get down there and start playing.

And then the adults, they're like, how you been? I'm like, ugh. Yeah, that's the great thing about kids. You don't have to deal with any of that bullshit. Yeah, yeah. So get this. So her parent or her sister and the husband, they're like nice, upstanding citizens. They do things.

They read. You know, they have jobs. And they're like, we got our kids tickets to Aladdin. Ah. The Broadway show Aladdin. I didn't even know there was a Broadway show Aladdin. I didn't either. So I go, okay, great.

We're on the subway with the kids, and somebody goes to me. Tuesdays of stories. Guys listen to it. Oh, on the subway. Oh, random guy. So the kids, they're five and six or seven and four or whatever. The kids are like, what was that? And I was like, listen to my podcast.

And they're like, what? They couldn't wrap their head around it. It's a wild thing when you're out because I have Derek's kids would be out every once in a while and someone's like, hey, Joe Liz, my father's gay okay, can I get a photo? And trying to explain

celebrity to an eight-year-old is very hard, but it helps getting in their pants. But it's very tricky because they're like, what is this? And then their mother's trying to explain, like, everyone knows your uncle. Yeah, yeah. And that's going to be weird with a kid.

I know. Like eventually your child is like, what's going on here? Exactly, exactly. And then you think about fucking Hulk Hogan's kids. Like real celebrities. Not, you know what I mean? Not assholes, but like Michael Jordan has a child.

Mainstream celebrity. How do they live? They're just walking around. It's like, schooch-sh-sh-sch-sch-sch-sch-Shoo-Sh. Yeah. I wonder, like, Rogan's kids. We're like, fuck your dad.

You know, like, that's got to be weird. They're just on a playground. Well, how about Louis? Louis kids. My Lord. When that whole thing went down, that's horrible. Poor ladies, yeah, poor girls. It's like he had.

to the joke. He's like, Barack Obama knows my sexual kid. I know. Great joke. That's funky. Yeah. So, on the train and then they're blown away. We go, we get to Aladdin too early. So I go to the M&M stores right over here. Kids, Eminem, here we go.

Can't miss. So I bring them to the M&M store. We're walking around. You ever been in there? I don't think so. It's a real racket. These Hershey cunts are really robbing people blind. You know, each M&M. Hersy? Mars. Mars. Mars.

Mars. Sorry. Mars Norman. So what was the Metallica guy? Lars Erlrich. I couldn't. I tried to pull a Mars Earl Rick. So we go to the M&M store

and this kid comes up with glasses and he goes, Big fan. Any M&M you want, it's on me. There's a whole wall of, it's all pipes. There's a wall of like tubes,

clear tubes. Oh, I remember the tubes, yeah. Give me the brown, give me four black, two yellows, six, Asian and there's all these wacky flavors There's peanut butter and jelly There's, you know, cocaine, come, you name it And so I get the kids are going like, what is this?

Who are you? You're the mayor? And I go, you didn't run up the mayor. I'm Batman. So I go, give me 13, licorice, 14 P.B and J and nine beef jerkeys And they go, woo, woo, woo, and the kids just opened their mouth. The a hell of those are falling in. That was a hero.

That's great. Great guys. Let me ask this. What's going on across the street over at Caroline? Is anything there? Ah, yeah. Because we used to live, we were fucking camped out right there. It's thriving. There's a Chinese restaurant there now and something else, a ping pong joint. I know I talk about this every two episodes, but it's crazy the times in your life, and we touched on this earlier with the podcast. Yeah. Those places. I walked by that M&M store twice a night, every night for five straight years. I was every, I got off the train, and there it was. was just staring at me, the tubes in the window, the big yellow M&M,

and now I have not set foot there since 1988. Yeah. Did you ever set foot in the M&M? I never went in, but I was walking by it all the time. I just never was drawn in there. No, we weren't allowed in there. Without a kid, I don't think you can go in. So here's the clinker.

We got to the M&M store. The kids are all jacked up. They could look like they're beating ass. They got brown around their lips. We go to Aladdin. It's in a beautiful theater. There's kids everywhere. We get these nice seats right on the balcony.

My brother-in-law, is that what I call him? I think so. Yeah, brother-in-law, he bought the tickets. He spent a fortune. Nice enough to get me one. And we're all sitting there. Curtain goes up. Prince Ali, the genie's amazing.

The girls are dancing, and it's a lamp and all this stuff. But six minutes in, the kids are like, this sucks. And I'm like, we got backflips, we got Agrabah, we got Alaska. You know, one jump over the dick cheese, two steps into my ass. You know, they're working. These guys are sweating out there. You ain't never had a. You know, some black guys, a genie.

He's doing fucking cartwheels and shit. Nobody cares. Yeah, it's tough. These kids have an iPad. They got a virtual reality, Fortnite, mind sweeper, you name it. Yeah, they don't know. They don't know what's good for them. How do they do it?

Is the genie just a man walking with two feet? Yeah, he's a big, giant, bald black guy. Weird. But he was charming. Because the genie's supposed to be like a spirity. I know. Does he paint his face blue? Is he blue?

No, he's wearing blue clothes. The genie's just a black guy? Just a black guy. I called the Cuffs. I mean, it was out of control, but he was good. He was really talented and funny, and he could dance like a fucking asshole. Well, I know that. Yeah, he could rap and play basketball.

He could slam dunk. Yeah, chicken fry. Triple jump. You name it. Yeah. Shot put. So I look at his two kids. One is just like, like doing this shit where you know when you're so bored,

you're like losing control. And I look to my right and the other kid is like this. He's out. He's got sugar all over him. Sleep is nice because then you can at least enjoy the show. Sure. Yeah, I hated it though. It's for kids.

And then so everybody hates it. But eventually the dad goes, you want us to get out of here? And I was like, yes. So we all leave. And we left and the bell hopper, what do you call the guy? bottom. No, the, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the page?

No, no, don't, it's Usher. Usher! Good singer. Fuck Bieber. So we got, the usher goes, where are you guys going? And we're like, we're out. We're done. He's like, shows 16 minutes in.

And we're like, yeah, we got to go. And he's like, okay. He didn't, he was blown away. He's like, all right. Good luck, douche. Well, I'm reminded of a couple things. I mean, I had this, you remember the story when I went to the Dublin Comedy Festival.

and the guy that runs the festival got me Ed Shearin, private Ed Shearant tickets. Oh, yes. It was the same deal. I was, you know, jet lagged. It was like 12 minutes in, and this guy's the biggest singer in the world. I was like, huge. What? Yeah.

And I opened the door. Like, the guy's like, are you sure you want to leave? There's no reentry. And the sun was still out. It was like 705P. Yeah. And I was like, no, no, I get it. He's got red hair.

He sings, whatever. Sure. Serenades. People like him. But what's hard is, and I've told this story before, too. I remember being at, it's the saddest thing when I want to cry. If I have to cry in a movie, I think of this. I'm at

Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners baseball stadium. This man went to a Pearl Jam show, and he brought his young son, who was like six, and the guy had the poster, these people collect posters. They have the big poster tube. Like a strap, like a backpack. So you get there early enough to get the poster. He obviously

collects the posters. Like a pool cue. He's bringing his son, and his son was sitting in the seat like this. As they come out and they're playing the first song, he's like, I hate this. And the dad was like, come on, to just start. And finally they were like, all right, let's go. And it just pained me that this

man was like, I'm going to take my son to this thing. And then he just left. He didn't even get to see the show. That's kids. That's kids for you. I signfoil always talk about he's obsessed with cars. And he tried to get his kid into cars. And the kid's like, I fucking hate cars. You like

what you like? Yeah. Gays. They like dick. So we get out of and now we've got the whole day. It's fun. And you know what's cool about these guys visiting? They live in Needham? Yeah, Needham.

Need them, which is a cute town. It's clean. It's safe. But they come here and they're like, wow, look at the buildings. Look at the Broadway. Look at the lights. And it's fun to be in New York with people who appreciate it. We're like, oh, look at this hobo.

Chuck's here. This guy's on heroin. You know, what am I doing? The taxes, the traffic. They love it. I've said it before. It's always a great reminder when you see tourists taking folks. They're like taking a photo of a street sign.

It's like 51st street. And it reminds you like, oh, wow, this is a special place. Oh, yeah. In the village, it would always be gay street. They were like, gay street. Meanwhile, if I laugh at it, I get it, you know, canceled. Right. So whatever.

So we had a great time. The kids are great. Fun, fun. At one point, they were like, can you go out and get diapers at Target? And I was like, yeah, sure. I went and got diapers. I came back with like 70 toys because I'm at Target. I'm like, these toys are all 11 cents.

They're made by a Chinese boy. I'm coming in, and I just walk in with the fucking diapers, and I'm like, here you go. And I just drop monster trucks, Legos, Dildos, all this shit. And they're like, what the fuck? And you know, all the moms are like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, I thought it'd be fun. They're like, yeah, you're spoiling them.

Oh, they're like, yeah, fuck off. What do I care? You're the front row at the Aladdin. Yeah. Or the Aladdin. It's an Aladdin theater. They should put Aladdin at the Aladdin. Is that right?

There's a theater. the Aladdin Theater. I think that's in Portland. Is it? Does it? What in Portland, Oregon? Maybe there's a bunch of them, like those theaters. You know.

Paramount? Fox. Fox. Yes. Isn't there an Aladdin in New York? Am I crazy? Maybe I'm just used to... I've never seen it.

The Aladdin Theater. I love Chat, GBT. It's really wonderful. It's very good. I just write it. The Elagin Theater, Farmingdale, New York. I never heard of it. The fuck is that.

If you're talking about the Aladdin Theater around, you're probably thinking of the Broadway show. Okay, been there. This. I don't know. I can't think. Oh, yeah, the Aladdin Theater right here. 42nd. Oh, no, wait. That's Aladdin the musical. I'm retarded. Okay. Where is the Aladdin Theater then?

Oh, Portland, Oregon. You got it. We've played there. There's a completely different venue called the Aladdin Theater. I think that's why it's in my head. Yes, Bridgetown. You're saying it. Yeah. So how about this? And then I'll roll it on over. Roll it on over.

So, you know, the kids are like, hey, we're going to do this tomorrow, we're going to that tomorrow. You want to go? And I said, I can. I got a pod. Guess who we had on the pod? The other pod. It's got to be related to the kids. No, no, no kids.

Because the kids didn't care. I was like, I'm interviewing this guy. And they were like, who? And I had to show them. And they were like, oh, yeah, maybe. They know Mr. Beast and their priest. Michael J. Fox. William H. Macy.

Oh, you mentioned that. Yes, yes. Very exciting. That's exciting. How was he? Well, I got to tell you, he's 77. What? Maybe get a goog on that.

No way. Seventy-eight, 75. If he's 77, I'm going to run headfirst out this window. Heinz 57, give it a goog. I'm telling you, this guy is old. That's crazy. He's got to be 66 if he's a foot. 72?

67. 76. Thank you. What? I'm telling you, Ferry. That's crazy. He's an old bag. He looks like a catcher's mitt.

76? He's up there. He's an old crow. He's Biden's friend. Wow. He must have broke late. I mean, 96 is 30 years ago. Yeah.

So he's 46 in Fargo? That's true. Well, I gave his IMDB a goog, and it says, Wow. Active since 78. I am going to take a gun and shoot both my tits off and eat them for breakfast and blow a bubble and float up to the moon and suck my own dick. That's crazy. That's a hell of an itinerary. But yeah, he's old, Jerry. Wow. So what the

what is Nicholson, 106? Oh, he's in one foot in the grave. I think he just turned 89. Yikes. Which I guess is 12 years older. They just feel like such different generations because Macy, you don't really know of until Fargo. Bargo, basically. I mean, he's in, what's the great you know who... Mystery Men? No, no. What's the games? House of Games he's in. Yes, yes, yes.

And he's in the Woody Allen Radio Days. Radio Days, yeah. Which is like his first movie. I think he's barely in it. He's also the principal in Mr. Holland's opus. Oh, that's right. That's right. He's got the flat head and the glasses. But it's weird how people break at different touches. Fargo was when he became like, holy shit.

This movie's huge. It's amazing. He's the main guy. and that's 96. That's a full 27 years after Nicholson, who is 12 years older, but still. Right, right. Well, Nicholson, you think Chinatown, Five Easy Pieces, Cuckoo. But H. is younger than William H. Macy? Yeah.

That's fucking crazy. It's a given. Busom buddies? Yeah. Busom buddies is 15 years before anyone ever heard of William H. Macy. Wouldn't that make you think H. Macy? Oh, I see. Yeah, but Hanks, I feel like.

Like started young. I know. That's what I'm saying. It's like when you make it at different times, you just think of the people being that age. I feel like William H. Macy is 90s years old. Got it. And Tom Hanks is 80s years old. I get it.

So it's flipped a room. Yes, yes. Because one guy broke big. It's kind of like Bob Seeger was like, he didn't have like big hits to. He was like 40 years old. Right. He's like 110 years old. He's up there.

It's crazy. I'm blown, Jerry. Blowns, but I gotta tell you. I would have bet $350,000 that William H. Basie was in his 60s. Polymarket. Well, I wouldn't have bet you after you interviewed him. I would have been like, oh, this is suspicious. That's a good point.

You just talk to the guy. Well, he comes in and I'm nervous because, you know, we have a fucking Ari on the show. You know, so William H. comes in. This is Hollywood royalty. Bougie Knights. That's true. That's true. So he comes in and you're like, oh, my God, there he is.

Buggy Knights, Farry. all this shit, good lord, he looks great. And he comes in, he's wearing khaki pants, a khaki jacket, and a shirt, a blue shirt. He looks great. His hair slick back. I'm like, oh, my God, that's my bitch, Basie. It's so wacky. It feels he doesn't belong.

What's he doing there? He's selling a hooch. He's got a liquor now. We got liquor. We might be drunk. This is crazy. I know. The whole time I'm like, you know when you're banging a hot chick back of the day and you're

like, what are you doing on my dick? I know. It makes no sense. This is wild. I mean, I don't know that analogy perfectly, but I mean, this is just like, doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't work. It's out of whack. Okay, so did you take me through?

Well, I got to tell you, he comes in, and he's royalty, he's old, and he's established, and we're lucky to have him. So he is, and I don't want to besmirch this, but he is low key. Oh, I mean, low, dead. No, no, low key, low energy, soft-spoken. Well, he's fucking 96. I know. We're on a show. We're on mics.

There's eight cameras on the man. You'd think he'd perk up. I know. He comes in and I'm like, hey, Billy! And he goes, Hello. And I'm like,

it was a very NPR. And I was like, well, what do you think of boogie nights, huh? And he was like, Paul Thomas Anderson is a fabulous writer and an amazing director.

And I go, oh, yeah. How about those tits on Heather Graham? And he goes, she's a lovely lady. I'm like, oh my God, it was an hour and a half of that. Wow. I mean, I got to watch this.

This is wild. I'm just so blown away, but these actors, they're a funny group of queves. Yeah, yeah. He's a Thesbian. He's an artist. And eventually, the only time I got some juice out of them was I brought up all the, like, the Marvel movies and everything. He's like, people who say they need an explosion every two seconds or they can't enjoy it. It's actually quite troubling, quite disturbing.

You know, dialogue and character development. That's what it's all about. That was about the height of his animated he got. And then the only other time was I brought up AI. I was like, what about AI? Is that going to change movies? And he fucking hates AI. And then I said, you watch AI porn?

And he goes, no. And that was it. So we did an hour and a half and you kind of try to match his energy. Yeah. But we're so used to cutting up and saying slurs and far. that it was a different vibes. So check it out, folks. That's amazing.

I got to give that a sniff because, I mean, Fargo is the movie I've watched more than most movies ever. I mean, I just, I love him. He's so good in that fucking movie. He's amazingly funny. Salakuse goes, I can't be there. You got to ask him one question for me. And I was like, all right, what do you got? And he goes, did Mr. Tana Hockey get a room in the hotel in Fargo?

In Fargo, remember they meet the Asian? guy. Yeah, of course. And he's trying to kind of flirt with Francis McDormant. Salick just wanted to know if he had a room in the hotel. And I'm like, I don't even get it. I don't know if he has a room. And he's like, well, did he think he would fuck her?

And I'm like, I guess he was trying to. And he's like, well, you think he did it? Do you think he had a room? I'm like, I don't know. He's like, just promise you as William H. Macy if he had a room. And I'm like, can't be the right question. I swear to God. And I go, I don't want to ask him that.

That's no good. and he was like, just ask him. What difference does it make? If he was going to get the room or if he already had the room? That's what I said. He was trying to fuck her. He didn't get to fuck her. He's like, he'll laugh. He'll think it's funny. And I'm like, I don't even get it. He's not even in that scene. I know. So, of course,

as I try to be a good friend, we're six minutes in, I go, you think Mr. Tana Hockey had a room? And he goes, I don't know. And that was it. So you went ahead and married old Norm's son of a Gunderson. I mean, I liked you so much. That guy's great. You didn't get him on the show. He's good. It's funny looking. Oh, just a general sort of way.

Yeah, that movie's a masterpiece. I love it. I watch it three times a year. He was born for that role. I mean, he is that guy. Yeah, supposedly he begged for the role and said, I've got to have it and all this good stuff. Yeah, because he wasn't really popping back then.

Right, no pop. No pop. Then you got William H. I mean, Boogie Knights blew up. So, yeah, he's got quite a res. No, he's amazing. He's in some of the best movies of all time. Yeah.

And he's 76. That fucking makes me feel like a million years old. But Fargo's 30 years ago. Yeah, well, I got to tell. I just got back from Jazz Fest. You see all your old friends from back in the day, and six of them are on a walker, four of adult children, and three are on, like, blood pressure pills. Well, the people that are really drinking and smoking, I think drinking is worse than smoking.

It will fucking age you hard. I mean, you see some of these people, they look like hell. Just hell on earth. What was they just about to say? Oh, that's the other thing. Toy Story. I'm watching Toy Story every single day. You love Toy Story.

It's 31 years old. What? Think about that. And I know everyone does this with the analogy, but this is like when I was a boy, if I was just watching on the waterfront every day. Right. It's crazy. 31.

31 years old, or older than that. I guess singing in the rain or something. or high noon. Right. It's just like my son is just watching a 31-year-old film. Yeah. Very well done and looks great still. Oh, my God, it's a fucking masterpiece.

All three of those movies are just absolute masterpieces. Yeah, to Infinity. That'd be on. Thank you. So, yeah, I've got to turn it over. I'm hogging. Oh, yeah. Well, I got nine minutes to sum up my last three weeks.

Thank you. Well, how about that? Well, how about this? First of all, I mean, I don't even know where to start with all this nonsense. But last week, two weeks ago, last time I recorded, I didn't even text you guys this because I was doing other stuff. But I left here, leave your home. I jump on the 4-5 train. Four or five. I don't know which one. They're interchangeable. The green line. Four-five. Get on over here at Atlantic Barclays Center. Take the train. Three stops to my house. Get off at Wall Street. I get off. I make a phone call.

talking to my buddy boy. Hey, scuba boo bo bo bo bo bo. Somebody sends me an Instagram going, hey, everything good down there? A man was stabbed. Okay. During a robbery on the four train at 2.14 p.m. I looked at my call log. I made my call at 206.

The next train behind me. At my stop. Oh, my Lord. Like one train after me. So if I had stayed here, lingered. said hello to the baby, listen to Chuck's horse shit. You know what I mean? Wash my feet.

I'm only kidding. I love your shit. Did he look like you? Was he glasses and beard? No photo, but it was a robbery gone wrong. Shived. 2.15 p.m. on my train at my stop right after I got off the train. That is cuckoo bananas.

I mean, life is twists and turns and ups and downs. But I'll tell you this. One car away. It said robbery gone wrong. But if it were me, robbery wouldn't go wrong. I'd be like, here's my wallet, here's my debit card, here's my pin number, take my phone, the nudes of my wife. I'd open that because you've got to look at it. Here's my nudes.

Yeah, babies in the tub. There you go. There's Pornhub, whatever you need. Take it. Take my shoes. Take my cock. Take my wife, please. Karen's only fans.

Hey, here's the login, the password. Yeah, I don't have that. Oh, I'll set your mind. No, that's okay. I got one. So, anyways, how crazy is that? That is Kook. I mean, Jesus, right here. Our train, Jerry.

Yeah, retard train. So we got to move out. That was wild. That is crazy. Well, that's one thing about living with 9 million people. It's easy to not get killed because the odds are in your favor. Odds are in your favor. You are close, but, yeah.

But they're also higher than they would be if I lived in, you know, Kansas. Dirty come Ohio. Yeah, yeah. Good team there. Real sticky. Sticky bandits. Yes.

Now, how about that? Here's the big news in my life. We touched on it off air. Listen to this. Uh-oh. I'm a new man. Oh, really? New man.

I have zero social media on my telephone. Now, what triggered? I am social media free. How'd you do it? Because I've all, we've all failed. Maybe I'll be that guy. Maybe I'll live in a tree house in Des Moines and go off the grid and make my own butter. Buddy, I'm out there and I'm loving it.

And here's the thing. Well, I mean, it was just building and building and building. You don't want the thing. You see this study and that study. My father's ass. But also, you got to be the change you want to see in the world. It's like everywhere I go. Sarah and I took the ferry the other day.

The weather's been beautiful here. We'll take the ferry with the baby just up and then back. We don't even anywhere to go. I agree. And then I'm watching three European guys, all like this, on a ferry, visiting another country. That'll do it. Skyline, blue sky. I'm like, I wanted to punt their phones into the water.

And they're watching bullshit where a guy tries a sandwich in a car. You know, it's not like they're reading of mice and men. And it's not even like my social media, my comments and stuff, which is going to be annoying, whatever. But you open it, it's New York Times. AI will kill you in the next six months. Iran is going to fuck us in the ass. The economy is going to be destroyed. And now I go, what the fuck?

Oh, my God. Should I move? Should I go this? And then you go to the comment section, and it's like Israel's a fucking genocide, no Palestine's a bunch of rapists, no Israel's rape. And you just go, our society is crumbling. It's tearing apart. We're all going to die. You take it off and you're just fucking walking around.

Everyone's quite friendly. Yeah, it's so true. I mean, the comments, and not even my comments, like you said, those, hey, you're gay, hey, you're ugly, your earlobes are connected. All right, I can handle that. But it's just the constant, you know, do you see that, you didn't see the Kassel, what's that guy's name? The Strokes guy? Yeah. The guy from the strokes?

Well, see, I don't want to put this in your life because you've already pulled out and I'm proud of you. But the guy from the strokes went on this crazy tirade about Palestine. And the comments are like, never a strokes fan. I love you more now. It almost doubles down because you're like, ah, I saw a crazy thing. But then you see all the comments and you're like, oh, no, everyone is on board with this crazy thing. That's what makes even worse. So you're like, this is all evil

And you did the right thing now Now did you have the withdrawal? No, no withdrawal Well, here's the thing So I'm still addicted to my phone So now I'm just looking at my own photos I'm looking at photos of my son I do that

And I'm in my notes section more I'm writing down ideas I'm writing down thoughts and ideas And the other thing I'm doing Is I'm just texting people back Which I shouldn't say out loud Because Salikus I just didn't text back yesterday And I bumped into him

That classic move He's like hey how about breakfast And I'm like, I'll get to that later. And I just spaced. And then I go to the club and he's sitting there with this Hawaiian shirt and big mustache. And I'm like, oh, boy, I don't eat eggs anymore. I gave up pink eggs. But, you know, you're better at getting back to me.

And then you're like, maybe I'll make a phone call. Right. And so I don't miss it at all when the shooting thing happened or the attempted shooting. Oh, with Trump. I happened to be home that night. And so I just watched the news, classic news, and then just texted friends. Instead of just going through social media. Right.

But you have it at, I'm at a red light, I'm looking at Instagram. I'm on the plane, I'm looking at Instagram. I'm on the fucking whatever I'm looking at Instagram. Yeah, yeah. Restaurant, you're looking at Instagram. I know, and there's so much mental, you know, you go, oh, watch this video. Let me see who liked the video. Let me read the comments about the video.

It's just, it's just a wormhole that you could do for nine hours. Right. So I have Reddit blocked, Twitter erased, Facebook. I haven't been on in years. and Instagram's gone. And you have a laptop at home where I can go respond to Instagram messages.

By the way, if your message you'll be on Instagram, I might not see it for days. You got a guy running it, and then at home, I don't know how to use the laptop version. So it's harder to, like, scroll through. Agreed. And then you watch three videos,

and you're like, I don't give a shit about this. Now, there was awesome stuff on Instagram that I miss. Like, you know, every once in a while, an old, a rare Ethan Hawk interview would show up or, like, you know, behind the scenes. But you can also just Google that shit. Sure.

I have YouTube too, but I never got... YouTube, I never... I just watched John Boy and... That's it. Yeah, yeah. So, uh, it's pretty great. No, no, do you have to go home? Remember when Ari would go, no phone?

And then he would just be at home, like, like he would have to catch up. No, because you open it. I have like, whatever, 12 messages. Most of them are just... Someone sent me some other posts. Right, right. And I gotta be honest, I never watched those anyways.

Like a stranger... I mean, I mean the... respectfully, but like a stranger sends me a thing. Half of them are just saying, this looks like you. Yeah. And it's just the ugliest human being I've ever seen in my life. That's like, that's like three quarters of my messages are like, hey,

look at this. Is that you? And it's just a guy with glasses. Right, right. It's like a bald man that weighs 104 pounds and is like, you know, he's missing three teeth. He's like, it's you. I'm like, no, it's not. Is it a video a guy with no chin? It's crazy. It's like,

that doesn't look anything like me, you fucking idiot. I know, I know. And so that's that. And then, no, you just, I mean, I'm watching hockey and I'm reading books. It's delightful. Wow. It's nice. Chris D said he did it years ago, and he's like, I'm shocked at how little I miss.

Well, it's funny because my algorithm was, I didn't, my algorithms, your algorithm becomes one thing anyway, so I already miss all these events. Oh, yeah. But Colin, you know Colin from Punch Up? Yeah, yeah, he does my Facebook. Yeah, so he sends me the top 20 topics every week. And I was reading them, I'm like, I don't know what one of these is about. Whoa.

Except for the shooting. But everything else was like, what is this? What's that? I never heard of that. I don't know what this is. Wow, this is exciting. Good for you. Now, I can't wait to see it a month and just be like, so what did you think of this thing?

And you're going to be like, I don't know. But I already felt that way because when I was on Instagram, I'm just watching, you know, Martin Scorsese and Bruce Davidson, the photographer. So whatever. I don't know. pretty great. That is great. Good for you. Good on you. My wife is something called the brick. What's the brick? The brick is the thing you put by the front door. It's this little nub. And you tap your phone on it. And it locks you out of Instagram, Twitter, and all this other shit. And so you just leave the house with it all, you know, all that's gone. So you have to just

manage outside. And they can use GPS and Gmail, but all the social media is over. And then when you come home hours later hit the brick again it turns it all back on oh that's pretty good yeah but is there ways around it because sometimes i had the thing the app limits before and you can just be like want to ignore this for the day and i'm like yeah oh i don't have that yeah someone else said they didn't have that but anyways it's pretty great guy got stabbed how about that and uh and how about this last thing so sarah's birthday was a couple weeks ago now every year sarah's birthday is the 17th that's the same weekend is Patriots Day. Patriots Day in Boston's the third Monday of April. So it always

is around the same time. So I feel bad. She doesn't care about the marathon. She doesn't care about New England. She doesn't care about me. She doesn't like baseball. Right. And it's cold and rainy. Right. So every year we have this big tradition. We go up to Boston, spend the weekend. We celebrate New England and the

marathon and the baseball, but it's her birthday. So you feel horrible. You're like, oh, sorry, we're going to there. And I go, why don't you just not go to the game this year? You stay home with the baby. be nice, it's cold, I'm gay. She goes, okay, great. But we're in Providence for the weekend, Providence Comedy Connection.

Love it. Shout out. One of the best fucking rooms ever. Great town. Great city. That club just rocks. And for me it feels like home and... Vibrates in there. I saw David Tell there 24 years ago. Isn't that crazy? It's around Toy Story Time.

So, you know, we go there. The show is, every show is off the hook, off the chain. I don't know what the difference Off the charts. Fucking awesome. So I decide every year Sarah's birthday, she's celebrating with my family, my friends. She's got to be up there.

I'm going to bring up Katie Hanigan. Oh. I love Katie. You love Katie. Sarah's best buds with Katie. Good egg. So I reach out to old Hanigan pants and I go, by any chance, are you off Friday night? She says, I am.

Why? What's going on? I'm actually looking for spots. Okay. And I go, all right. Well, I'm going to put you on a train, get you a hotel, and give you two spots. What do you think of that, old fussy britches? And she goes, that's a weekend.

I'm in. And I'm like, okay. Is she hosting? No, she's going to do guest spots. Damien, uh, who had hosted for you the week before in Portland. The cop. Fireman. Fireman.

Jesus Christ. Civil service. Yeah. He's a big, fat, ugly fireman. Yes, yes. And, uh, who's independently wealthy, by the way. He told me how much money he makes. Holy shit on a stick.

Not from comedy. Oh, God, no. Okay. So anyways, he's a good man. He's a great guy. He's a funny guy. I did a show at New Orleans. He comes.

He hosts. And Katie's going to do guest spots. So I go, okay, great. Keep this a secret. Keep a lid on it there, old silly tits. So she goes, okay, great. And now I'm going, I do it. I'm like, I'm a good husband.

I'm the man. We're going to have a great hang. Sarah will have a. buddy, K'd love a buddy. It's going to be a great hang in that green room. Oh, yeah.

So I go, okay, let me book her a train and a hotel. Train. $390. It's like last minute, and you can't just put her on a fucking bus. So I go, okay,

well, what are you going to do? All right, let me get her a hotel at the Marriott, and that's got to be easy, no big deal. $450 bucks. Ow! $1,000 round trip for this,

for this bitch. And you've got to pay her for the spots. Yeah, and I go, what the hell? Jesus Christ. Okay. All right.

Well, what are you going to do? It's a $1,000 gift. I hope she'll be a great surprise, though. It'll be crazy. She'll shit her pants. We're going to show up. Katie will be in the lobby. Yeah.

It's going to be big. Good time. Hoot and a holler. So we're in Providence. My parents are watching the bay. We're going up and we're going back and forth from Whitman to Providence because we're trying to see the baby every day. But then boobloy boop. What's that drive?

About 45 minutes. Oh, maybe an hour. That's a snoo. Probably an hour with traffic, whatever. So we go. It's Thursday night. We do the show. We drive back up to Whitman, spend the day with the baby.

Now my parents come down. We all go down. Yuckety-do. Dippity-dop. So it's now, she's coming up Friday. It's Thursday afternoon. Sarah and I are sitting in the hotel. I text Katie, hey, we good for tomorrow?

Which, of course, she's good. I already booked her. It's all set. Oh, no. She's like, oh, yeah, we're good for tomorrow. Then, this is why I can't cheat. I go, boy, look at this video. my sister's watching the baby.

Look at this video of Marty. And I show her and he goes, boop! It's Katie. Is this a surprise? And Sarah goes, what's the Katie text? Oh.

And I go, Go! Fuck! So I try to lie. I can't lie, Jerry. You should have called me. I want to give her something. I know.

I go, well, I sent her, my face is just a big rash. I go, I sent her a sketch. Uh-huh. And Sarah's like,

sketch. Which sketch? And I'm like, she's coming tomorrow. I can't lie. Oh, man. Because here's the thing. You're like Jim Carrey.

I can't lie. Well, Katie and I, it's not crazy for us to text. We're friends. But Sarah and I have been together for the last three full days. So, like, why would I, what would I be texting Katie? That was I wasn't already talking about with Sarah. Yeah. Like, if I had sent her a sketch, I would have been like, oh, by the way, I sent her a sketch.

We're working on this thing. But I didn't, I'm such a jackass. I should have gone to Do Not Disturb. Right. I'm literally texting the surprise woman while showing my wife a video. She's like, oh, what's Katie texting you about? She's coming. And Sarah is such a, she's like retarded.

She's like, I would never have thought that or guessed that. So the whole surprise is out the window, but it doesn't matter because the surprise is two minutes anyways. That's true. So then it's actually fun because you can be like, well, Katie's coming tomorrow. I spent seven grand. I'm a piece of shit. Wow, what a good hub, though. That's a hell of a gift.

And Katie's going to love it and she's going to love it. And she's going to love it. Yeah, it was fun. And, you know, Katie gets to get out of the city. And by the way, she killed. She's fucking hilarious. She's very funny. And we had a great hang, great time.

And then Doug Key came down. And you forget what a great hang Doug Key is. He's low-maintenance, easy, cool cat. Easy, fun. Then we shot a thing with her. I don't know if you saw it. He's giving her a massage, and that was hot. I'm off social media.

Yeah, and that did really well. Well, that's the hard thing. You don't want to be Ari, but you want to be like, I'm like, how's it doing? Let me see the video. Right, right. Let me see the comments. Yeah, yeah.

So the day I, that was the day I deleted Instagram. We had, like, this big post that did really well. So you're like, oh, God, you want those likes. Yeah, at least you went out with a bang. Yeah. Well, he banged her, and that was his birthday gift, her birthday gift. Yeah, better for her. Anyways, Doug's the man.

He's great. Katie's great. Damien's great. Damien was there. I don't know if he was great. But we had a great hang. He's a fireman. No, no.

He's hilarious. He killed. It was just a great weekend. all sold out. And then you get that check. That'll defray the price of the wheelchair. Absolutely. Go home.

We go to the ball game. We had a great time. My buddy Bart came out. And my whole family is 12 of us in the bleachers. Hell yeah. Fantastic. We never miss a year. It was awesome.

Wow. Yeah, great times. What a time. Wait, how we doing here? We're like way over time here. Oh, I missed it. Yeah. Oh, well, that's a good time.

Yeah. Good hub. Good gift. And the wife was happy. Everything was great. Katie's great. Sarah's great. We had a big threesome. Doug fucked them both. I watched. Send me the video.

Absolutely. Social media. All right. Oh, Ari's show. Oh, the end. You got to watch the end. Go make the purchase. I know it's $30. It's very intimidating. Is that right?

30 bucks, but it's seven hours long. Whoa. Seven hours. That's like a Chappelle set. Explain it a little bit more. People know what it is. It's a storytelling. It's Ari's old storytelling.

This is not happening, except they can't use the name. So we called it the end, which I don't really care for. I don't know if I understand. Is it the end of his career? Because I don't think it's the end of an era. I don't know. I don't get it. This is the end.

Yeah, I don't get it. But. Oh, it's the end of the show. The show's over. I suppose so. This is the end of the storytelling. I see. I might still tell a story.

No one will tell a story after this. So anyways. it was crazy. I mean, Nate Bargatsy's on there. I watched this game show, by the way. It's pretty fucking hilarious. I didn't really had one. It's good fun. Wow. I want to be a contestant. Anyways, Nate Bargatsy, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Joe List, Sarah Talamash, Dan Soder, Roy Wood, Jordan Jensen, Steph Tollav. Duncan Trussell, Tony Hinchcliffe, Steve Simone. Uh-huh. The other guy. Call him Tyrell.

Oh, Sadiq. Ali Sadiq. Sadeek. And Miss Pat. It is Jim Brewer. I was there for that one. That was crazy. It's fucking awesome. There's bonus materials. And I'm just going to come right up and say it. All the money is divvied up to the artist. So if you're thinking, oh my God, another Netflix thing, this bullshit, this bullshit. You want to support us, support the artist, and have 30 hours of laughter.

And Ari curated this shit. He fucking made it tight. Well, we shot it before he left for the hills of Machu. Pichu, and he just eight months of editing and fine-tuning. He would call me. We'd do like an hour and a half on the phone over editing. So he really tweaked the shit out of it.

It's handled with care, and it's going to be great. And I already heard Colum Tyrell's story is a popular buzzing. Oh, really? Yeah. I got no buzz. But go check it out, watch that. Buzz light year. And the Patreon, as you know, we just recorded

with Bill Burr. Oh! BB. Bilber. Netanyahu. Bill Burr. Adam Ray, special guests. It's in the can.

It was nuts. We'll talk about it in a later episode. A big piece of that's on the Patreon. We shot behind the scenes of us. That's on the Patreon. We shot my ses show behind the scenes. Yes. That's on the Patreon.

The Patreon, it's new and improved. Oh, yeah. We kicked it up a notch. It's up two notch, as I would say. Woo. And, of course, I'm off to the United Kingdom this weekend. Glasgow.

Glasgow, Bristol, London, we added a show. Dublin. Damn. Top of the morning. So, please. Fucking A. Hell yeah.

You're going to love it out there. That's going to be hit your roots. Bringing the whole family. It's crazy. Is that right? Hell yeah. Hanigan. I wish.

So there you go. All right. And blow me. You're living. And we're going to do a Patreon right now. So buckle up, homos. What do you got? Choochie. You've got your plugs. Yeah. Oh, mine. Shit. I'm in Irvine, California, Spokane.

He's always in Spokane. Yeah, Spokane. It's crazy. Moving to Spokane. I got a house. You're doing a residency in Spokane. I'm telling you. Milwaukee, Tampa, San Francisco, Denver, and the rest of the Bises of a Bodeca cat, William H. Bacy, check it all out, soft-spoken. All right, what do you got there? Chuckles. Check on my podcast, fun bearable, but more importantly, we're working on a very fun film project. And if you're a person who wants to be involved with creative projects, check me out at at-discount Chuck, and I'll tell you all about it if you want to become a backer.

And this is not for people who are actors to hit me up. That's happened many times. It's already filmed. I was going to do that. There's going to be some backers for the podcast. Most work. But yeah, at discount, Chuck, Instagram, and Twitter. All right.

You heard of it. Watch my special on Netflix as well. And, yeah. We'll see in hell, folks. Praise our luck, quaping up. Coming.