Tuesdays with Stories! - #656 Whore-nado

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

It's a kooky one folks! We're talking monster trucks, garbage ladies, and celebrity alcohols. Plus Joe gets a depressing, complete stop to his show when an audience member drops a bomb on him! It's Tuesdays Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/tuesdays - Save 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/TUESDAYS with promo code TUESDAYS - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Get 20% off your first 6 months of Quo business communications at http://Quo.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Oh, Jesus, age Christ on Christmas. Hey, I wasn't ready. We're here. We're queer. We're back, baby. It's a lovely day. Now, I got these plants outside.

But now I got to water them. Yeah. That's a lot of work. Not that much. Do you have a can? I don't have a spigot. I got a can. Spigot.

They're all over the place. What are you crazy? Spigot, please. But yeah, I got a, I don't have a spigot. So I got to fill. up these giant jugs and walk out there. Well, your wife's got a pair of jugs up there. I know, but they don't shoot milk.

Folks, is it a spigot? What's a watering can? Remember the big metal can? I need gallons. Wait, so what's a spigot? I don't even like saying this. Oh, like a sprinkler. A sprinkler is a tch-tich-t-tch-tch-tch-tch-t.

But it's like a sprinkler, I'm saying. What's not saying it is a sprinkler? Like a wall thing. It comes out of the wall. A faucet. A faucet. A faucet. I see, I see that you attach the hose to.

I see. That's a spigot. That makes sense now. Rose before hose. I was thinking the thing at the ballpark that comes up and it's like a sprinkler system. Yes, yes. The spigler, I see. Spigot.

But yeah, I wish I had a faucet. What do you call it? It is a spigot. Yeah, spigot. Yeah, that makes sense. We should just start calling people the neighborhood spigots because it sounds offensive, but it's not. Well, it sounds like half Spanish, half bigot. Yeah, a little bigot.

Well, a lot of them were bigoted. Yeah, I'm sure they're like, look at this white asshole coming into our neighborhood and ruining us. Spanish bigot. But, yeah, this is so crazy to think about my ex-ex-girlfriend, her, it doesn't matter who, but her friend's boyfriend, they just, I don't know if I can say it. His nickname was just Spigger. Because he was, his mother was Latino and his father was black. And this was just like, you know, woke.

woke, for the time, college kids. Like, this is, like, who we think of as, like, woke, progressive, like, all liberal progressive, but 26 years ago, there was a black Spanish kid, and that's what everybody called him. Spiger. That was his name. Wow. No, I still, to this day, don't know his real name. Wow.

That was just his name. That's what everyone called him. Nobody was like, that's crazy. Yeah. It was like, oh, yeah, this is my boyfriend Spicker. Wow. Boyfriend Spiger. Yes.

Wow. Can you imagine? You spigger, take this bitch. They got married. Whoa! Yeah, yeah. I do. And it's so just mind-blowing to think of that now in 2026.

Yeah, yeah, that's wild. The craziest ones are when you just add a word to the N-word. Right. Like sand. Oh, yeah, yeah. Those are crazy, too. You're like, that didn't even, you just took a slur and added another adjective or a noun. Yeah, Eskimos, snow, N-word.

Oh, I never heard that one. Doesn't that a Dave a tell joke? That was Snow Mexican. Snow Mexican. Oh, geez, I just made a tell. Well, he had floor N-word. Oh, that's what it is. For midgets.

Uh-huh. Yes, yes. Boy. Good time. That was in the comedy cellar on stage in front of everybody in, what, 2005? Yeah, I guess, I mean, Zach Alvinakis had a handful of Edward jokes. He had multiple Edward jokes. Multiple.

Which sometimes Sarah and I suspect, that's why he's been laying low. I think people started going down, and he was like, I'll just keep a little. low profile. Yeah, yeah. I was got a new gardening show. Yeah, he's going to, I should invite him over. Yeah. Get a spigot in here.

But I think you can get one of those metal can, water in can. That's fun. It holds six ounces. Get a bigger can. Cads. Get a nice big, juggy can. I need a full Iran barrel full of fuel. But I think you do multiple trips.

That's part of the meditative thing of it. You go back and get more water. Then you come back, you spring it around. And then you go back and get more. Wait in the water. You do like, you do 20, 30 minutes out there. That's a lot of watering. I know.

Oh, look at this tree is already bending over. What's still windy out there? We can't get any weather out here. Yesterday it was just... I know. It's the buildings, Jerry. They fuck us. Jew tunnel.

Well, I think with no buildings, it would be even windier. I don't know. I know. It creates the... Yeah, I think you're right. There's some stuff there. Yeah. But you go to the Midwest.

Auntie M. Oh, yeah. They got tornadoes out there. That's no good. Hornado. I bet there's going to be a point called Hornado. I've got to be a horanato.

She blows everybody. There's a shark nato. There's got to be a horanato. Lately, my boy and I have been watching Monster Jam, the Monster Trucks on YouTube. He's loving it. He loves Monster Trucks.

So if you put it on, it's on YouTube. You watch Monster Jam. There's Megalodome. That's the shark one. The Gravedigger. Everybody knows Grave Digger. Yeah, easy. Then there's a dog one that Marty loves.

He's got his tongue out and a big tail. Then there's a zombie. He's got arms in the air. It looks like he's highling. Oh, wow. He's in Skid Row in L.A. There's a bunch of those. We got to go to the MSG one.

I know. Well, the next time it's here, it's in Newark. But I think I'm gone. I'm in like Portland or something. Oh, okay. And then I've been watching the bowling dock on HBO. And so then Marty came out and he's like, oh, you're watching bowling. Fun.

What does this get 80? Oh, you're watching bowling, eh? Well, so. But I'm like, here's my way. to watch the dock, so I just went on YouTube and found some old bowling matches, which are pretty exciting. Oh, really? So now, Pete Weber. My son is just going, I want to watch bowling and monster trucks. I got Mountain Dew in his bottle. He's got a fucking spike tan, barbedo tariff. I'm just raising the biggest wife trash. He's going to hit your wife. He literally likes

bowling and monster trucks. He's a piece of shit. Has he got Marlboro Reds up here? And is he working construction? He's got, yeah, big boots, all laces undone. Wow, voted for Trump. Yeah. So it's been fun. We've been watching all monster trucks and bowling. And I got to tell you, I'm full bowling monster truck guy now. It's fun.

Bowling's awesome. Monster truck, you can't get more American. You know, like that is the pinnacle. The Middle East does not understand monster trucks. Well, they do crazy shit. They go on the front wheel. They can spin on one wheel. Then they go on the side and do like, and then they spin so fast. they come back on all fours. And they always land it.

You know, they jump over, eight broken cars, and then they plop down, and they always kind of even out. Yeah, well, they land up on their roof a lot. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. They run out. I went to March the Sharks at the Tacoma Dome with Shane years ago. That must be an episode we talk about it,

which is also funny to think about. Shane was at Tacoma Comedy Club, and it was sold out because he was blowing up. Sure. But it's impossible to me to think about, I'm at the Tacoma Dome with my family and just hit up Shane, and he comes by himself during the day. That's true. And he bought me a Grave Digger T-shirt.

Hey. Had a Bud Light and then went and did the comedy club. Wow. And at that point, he was texting me being like, come to a guest spot because he had no buddies. He wasn't bringing an opener. He was like, let's hang. And I was like, nah, by the campfire.

Everything about that is unimaginable now. Now he's like George Harrison. He can't go near that place. Now he plays the Tacoma door. Oh, he's Grave-Digger. And the idea of him texting to be like, come open. And me being like, I don't think so. It's just crazy.

Because it'd be like, I'll give you $35,000. Sure, sure. I'll give you a monster truck. So, and then this is the last thing about monster trucks. That's so sweet. My nephew, Joey, who's older now. Now he's about to be 11. Back then, he was six or whatever.

And at the monster trucks, they give you little, like, controllers, little, like, you vote on them. You give the thing five stars. It's like little, What do you call that? Like an apparatus. No, no, it's like a computer-y thing. Oh, I see.

So you're audience vote. Kind of like star search. Yes, yes, one through five. Yes, and my nephew, Joey, would give five to every single truck. They could drive out and stall. That's a good kid. That stall, it'd be like five stars. Oh, man, don't meet my wife.

She'll be furious with that score. Which is funny because Shane and I, everyone was like, one. Fuck you. Didn't land it hard enough. So we're having a good time, but he was just sweet as pie, big smile. Good kid. Everybody got a five. Don't let him vote for the governor, though.

He'll just give everybody a yes. Well, that and, you know, at some point, eventually he'll be on YouTube being like, the pod isn't what it used to be. You fucking homos. You suck now. You're slouching or whatever. Yeah. Early on in your life, you're like, everything's a five.

Innocence. Yeah, the negativity kicks in later. So keep being positive, Joe. HIV positive. Uh-huh. I thought that was, I thought I was hogging. Oh, no. I did all the monster trucks.

I was like, I'm talking too much, so I was kicking it over to you. I want to get out there. I want to get out there. Maybe I'll get into bowling. I love the doc. Pete Weber's awesome. Bowling's great because they're like comics. They're out in the middle of Chesapeake, Missouri, bombing, you know, eating dog shit and

getting drunk in the middle of the day. Most of us have performed in bowling alleys. That's true. And it's pretty good because you think, I've mentioned that several people that I was watching some bowling and Sarah said this, my dad said this, they're like, they bowl a strike every time, which is not true. Yeah. No.

They don't. No way. Yeah, no one's bowling 300. I mean, someone is. I can already feel people being like, are you fucking kidding? This has been 300. Well, what's that Australian cat? He's pretty good.

Oh, yeah, he's big. Well, you know what's weird is he watched the show. We don't have to get into the nitty gritty here, but they'll be like, this guy's the best bowler on the planet. He's unbelievable. And then they show him. They're like, he got in 10th. Yeah.

Wow, he's the best. But now he's 10th? How's that work? Well, it's a, you know, you're off and then the oils. The oils, Jerry. Yeah, it's a tough business, tough racket. Baby oil, yeah. Well, this pod's in the gutter. But, no, the pod is great. Ben Stiller produced.

No kidding. Now, that's one of those things you go, is he into bowling, or do they just throw his name on there? Well, maybe someone pitched it and he threw in some cash. Or, yeah, maybe he's into bowling. I know he's a huge tennis guy. Now, here's a theory, and Knicks. Ah, yes. He's out there with Shalamu and the other guy, Tina Fey.

Sam. Yeah. Safty called Sam. So let's go to the Knicks. Which one? The bearded. The dishevelled one. There's one who looks super crazy and Jewy, and then there's one that looks homeless.

The Marty Supreme one or the fighting the rock one? I don't know who's who. I think Supreme. I think Supreme seems to be the better one. Yeah. I enjoyed the flick. Supreme? Yeah.

It's fun. It's stressful. It's a little all over the place, too. There's a dog in there. The bathtub. Yeah, the bathtub. I was like, what do we doing? Is this an action movie?

Well, he makes movies that I'm just like, ah! Yeah. He really nails what it's like to be around Jewish New York people. Oh, the tension. You're like, okay, okay, just take a breath. Yeah, don't bomb me. I get it. But wait, what was I going to?

Oh, here's a theory. I'm going to hog. Hog, please. I got nothing. We've got three episodes this week. Aye, aye, yay, don't remind me. And we'll see in L.A. homos. So, you know how we go, you go on a date with a girl, and you go, hey, I got a candlelit

dinner. That's between us. I got a candlelit dinner. We're doing a carriage ride to the park, and then we're going to stay in a log cabin or whatever. It's all old-fashioned shit. Old-fashioned shit is boring. Right. So do you think in like 20 years people are going to go, we're going bowling, and they're going to go, oh my God, that's so romantic. Or we're going to the movie theater. I think so. That's coming. I think the movie, yeah, movies good. But, Bowling? I mean, bowling was the date, bar none. When I was a boy, if you were talking to a girl, that was what you did. Yeah. Bowling. Bowling was huge. Now they're closing like Spirit Airlines. But they're making a big push because I'm watching hockey every night and they have go bowling around. Don't go boring, go bowling.

So that bowling, I think, is we've got to survive. Someone must have, maybe it was stiller. They pumped money into the bowling situation. Good. It's athletic. It's communal. Well, I just can't bowl more than one. string. I am sick of it. I'm like, I can't do it. Really? Oh, you know, it's another one. Skating rinks. Remember roller rinks? You'd go in a circle for six hours. Skate town. My hometown is still, it's still there. We had airline skate country. Wow. Good time. It got a little ghetto and people stop going. Ours was very ghetto. Yeah. It was like next to Brockton. So it was definitely, it was one of those things. That was like the joke in town. You're like, yeah, yeah. Well, you better be careful if you

ever go to skate down. Yeah, you're like, that kid skate's going. had rims. Yeah, I think Skate Town was where you went to, you know, smoke pot and beat up a minority. Yeah, we used to be a country. So, we got a lot to get into here, Faddy. Wait, what were you just going to talk about? Oh, the date. The date thing. The day, yeah, yeah. The old-fashioned ship becomes romantic for some reason. Yeah. You know, candlelight was just how you lived, and now it's going to be bowling alleys. Yeah, maybe one day it'll be like, hey, let's sit across each other, look at TikTok. You know what I mean?

That's going to be crazy. Let's text each other. Yeah, let's have a conversation and look each other in the eye. Or maybe because virtual reality will be such a thing. They'll be like, hey, let's watch porn on a computer. Whoa. You know? Because later it'll be a headset.

You'll put on like a Darth Vader helmet. Even crazier, let's fuck. Right. missionary vagina penetration with a pee-pee. Yeah. I got to stop hanging out with my kid. By the way, on a whim, I was at Walmart a couple weeks ago. I had to buy diapers and a pair of water diapers,

whatever the swim diapers. Swim dips. And the aisle, the walk back to the register took me down some negligee aisle. I grabbed some fish nets just on a whim. For the kid? Last night, I put them on, robbed a bank. No, I put them on my wife. And my guy, it's just, I came like,

wow. Like the Niagara Falls. There was something about it. Did you rip them? No, no, I want them for the future. Bag of Satsumas? I can't just be buying fish nets willy-nilly. Oh, right on.

No, I put them on. That foot is all soft and fishy. They came right up the side, and you got some soft black legs. Oh, I love a black leg. Sounds like a pirate. Black leg. Old black leg. But, yeah.

Get yourself some fish nets, boys There you go. Stick them on your lady. You know, you have to fight with her. She's like, I don't want to wear this. I feel silly. And I'm like, shut up, you can't. And I shove him on there.

Get the boy to come in and smack her around a little bit with the Zinn in his mouth. It just looked great. So we had fish net sex and watch some bowling and called in a night. They should change the name because, you know, you don't want fish. But you want a fish net right on there. Yeah, fish in there would be off. But it smelled like fish. That's what I'm saying.

That's my point. Oh, I see. It's a bad. combo. It's a bad connotation. Yeah. It's no fish and chips. I love fish and chips. Me too. By the way, my parents are coming to the UK. They're scared. They've never left Massachusetts, let alone the country. It's like Chappelle going back to Africa. They're back to their roots, the honkeys. And my mind, we're worried about food because people think I eat like a boy. These people, they've never eaten a piece of fit or anything. And I'm like, well, they can just have fish and chips every night thinking, that's easy. That's Boston. That's

boiled, but I'm like, they won't even eat fish. Whoa. But they're in the right place, though. It's beer, it's fries, it's potatoes. You can get a burger there. They got a burger. The food sucks. They're going to fit right in. They got shicky tenders over there. Don't keep away from the curry. Yeah, they won't be having any Indian food. I can tell you that. Oh, boy. That's going to be awkward. All right, so get into it. Hog it up.

All right. Well, did I tell you about the corporate gig I did for the steel company? I don't think so. Oh, I got a run this one by you, Faddy. Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel. Spigot, Godfather. So, I go down to Atlanta, Hot Lanna, to do this gig, and it's on a Wednesday.

Oh. And so I told my agent, I was like, find me something for Thursday and Friday, and I'll just come home Saturday. I don't want to just go to Atlanta and come back. So, we'll get into that. But we got this crazy gig, and they go, Sam's done it, Tony Hitchcliff's done it, Brian Regan's done it, Bill Ingval,

Larry the Cable guy. It's like, been around. A lot of legends and Tony. Yeah. So I go, oh great, the money's insane. They go, 25 to 30 minutes. I go, beautiful. They go, it's at the tabernacle. I go, great. It's not in a fucking ballroom at the Hilton where I can get shot by a teacher. So I go, great. Book it. Big bucks. I show up there. Steel companies. So outside, it looks like a bunch of Marties. It's all bowling fans and drinking mountain dew and wife beaters.

So I go, oh, this is going to be a cakewalk. I walk in, the place is bananas. They're all going nuts. It's three floors of horrors, this big balcony. And I kind of get in there and you're like, what's going on? They start giving you the run of the land. And they go, oh, yeah, we had this guy last year.

Aide it. And we had Samaril before that. And I go, oh, okay. So I text Sam, he goes, ooh, they were tough. And I was like, ah, shit. Here we go. But it's 25 minutes. Well, isn't the.

Steel business not doing so hot also. I think they're probably struggling. I think they're angry, right? These guys were beyond loaded. Oh, boy. So I meet the owner. He's this big, big, beefy German guy with a red face. Must have been six foot nine if he's an inch.

Okay. And he comes back there, har, you spigot, whatever. He's got a giant mitt. He's a black leg. Yeah, big German dude. And so the guy who was running the thing, he used to do comedy. And he was like, just go dark. Go dark.

And I'm like, everybody says that. But they never want it. Well, steal men. I know. But everybody goes, be edgy. We like it dirty. And then I do my shit. I do the podcast.

And they go, Jesus. They pull the curtain. They call HR and they deport me. Right. So I'm like, all right, all right, all right. Let me figure this out here. I'll just play the hits. Here we go.

And the next room over, I hear a guy yelling and whatever. I peep my head in. John Daly. What? The golfer. I know who he is. I know who you are, motherfucker. He's in a white polo, wacky pants. He's got a beard down to here. It's him and his wife. And he's just doing like a personal appearance. He's just going, hello.

Oh, that makes more sense. I thought he was fucking pulling steel out of the ground. No, no. He's doing a whole wave. He gets paid like $10 million to wave and wink. Wow. So he's chugging these drinks. has. He sells his own RTD. Does anybody not have an alcohol company respectfully?

Just Chuck. William H. Macy, Tom and Byrd, the Rock, you. Kevin Hart. Kevin, whatever, John Daly. Clooney, Ryan Reynolds. This is crazy. I got to get a beer. Get a beer. Joe beer. I think even Malaney

sells a non-alc. No kidding. Give that a goug, if you don't mind there. Fun bearable. I'm pretty sure he sells a near beer. or whatever the hell you call it. Give us all the celebrities that have alcohol. Oh, that's going to be a long Epstein's list. Damn.

All right. So, John Dealey. What's RTD? Sorry. Ready to drink. It's like DTF, down to funnel. Weird. So they go, you want to meet him?

And I go, I guess. He doesn't want to meet me. But they'll come meet him. So I go, who did you want me to look up? Malaney, near beer. I looked it up. I looked up. I'm not seen anything.

He's got a bottle on his Insta all the time or a can, I mean. Maybe it's not his, but he, you know, whatever you call it. Invested? Yeah. Or just whatever. They pay him to, he's advertising. Oh, maybe he's advertising. That's a good point.

Yeah, I don't own fucking sheath. That's true. Yeah, it says he's partner with years. Years. Okay. I looked at New beer things. Still crazy. He's a co-owner and stars in advertising for years.

Okay. There you go. I'll take it. Wow. All right. Hey there, folks. Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Quince. Yeah.

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Nogatine is an addictive chemical. Get some Lucy, folks. So I go meet John Daly and he's like, hey, he goes all political mode How you doing? You're a fucking spigot? He gives me a big hug. And he goes, you see, he's one of these guys that just talks at you who tells you

what he's thinking every second. There's no back and forth. He's a Tim Dillon. Right. He's just like, hey, come here. And he's got me in a headlock and he goes, you see this? This is my new drink. This is going to put high noon out of business, white clotted a bit. I'm like, okay, hello. And he goes, you want to try one? I go, yeah, he goes, yeah, me too.

And they throw two of them, and he drinks them both. And I was like, all right, great. So cool guy I go back in my room I'm getting nervous now So they go You're on next We better go to the stage

And I was like Okay I'm wearing a blazer I'm all dressed up And there's a circus act before me This is how much money they have It's like you know Fucking trapeze And backflip lady

Dressed all like a tiger And she's doing a twirly thing With a hula hoop And a guy's blowing fire That's like that It was like that Then it's me So they go all right

The owner's gonna go out there For a minute And bring you up And I was like, okay, great. I'm just buying more time. Great. I'm trying to think of jokes. I'm riffing on the room.

Riffing on him. He goes up does 40. He's hammered. Sweet guy. Sweet guy. Nice guy. Nice family. Is Daley or the owner?

The owner. Wow. And he's got the thick accent. The crowd's hooting and hollering because he's the boss. So they're like, shut up, bitch. Tony Danza? Yeah. They're loving it.

So he goes up, thick accent, German. He's doing 30. And he goes, fucking, bring John Daly up. So John Daly goes up there. Now they're fucking punching each other and all this. And John Daly, finally, finally, after half the crowd's gone on the bar, six people quit the steel company. One guy went solar.

So the crowd's all whacked out now. So John Daly, he goes, you want to bring up our comic? And John Daly goes, sure, what do I care? So I got a John Daly drink at my hand. And I walk up and he goes, Mark Norman. He reaches off a card. I walk up with my drink. And he goes, thank you.

Takes my drink, which. crack me up. That's hilarious. It wasn't even a bit. He just was like, oh, thank you. I need another drink. And I was like, okay, great. That's very funny. With a drink, he takes my drink, goes, thank you, chugs it. He walks off stage, so I'm drinkless, and I just go into my act, and it just starts okay, and I'm bombing, I'm bombing, and then I immediately go, yeah, how about this

fucking German guy, huh? What, he built a concentration camps, all that steel? I mean, they didn't get it. about the baby, the wife, New York, anal sex, queves, you dame it, but I just started trash in the German and adding steel in. Now we're a home run. That's what they want. When people tell you what they want, you got to listen. But this is the thing that's so fresh with these corporate gigs. It's a double-edged asshole because obviously I want corporate gigs to keep happening. People make a living on them.

Yes, yes. But at the same time, I want to say, I mean, I don't think there's any corporate owners listening to this show, but you don't know. You don't actually want comedy. You want a zing. You want to hang out. You want a drink. You want the circus.

You want whatever. And if you do have comedy, 12 minutes. 12 minutes of roasting the owner. 10 to 15 minutes. Topps. You want them to go, hey, Frank sucks billy's off. Cuck. Hey, he cheated on his wife with that fucking asshole.

You're a fat tub of shit. You're a co-cade. You're getting fired. You're stealing from the company. That's what they want. Yes. They want that. It should be seven, eight, nine minutes.

Yeah. They do not want, anybody here have anxiety? Yes. You ever have a panic attack and your therapist is old? Serials weird. Yeah, they don't want it. Some is it a box. Some is it a bag.

It's every gig I've ever done that's a non-comedy club. Corporate gig, birthday, bachelor party, wedding, whatever it is, Christmas party. Yep, yep. People want to socialize, get drunk, and maybe get shit on. Twelve minutes. Twelve minutes. That's a stretch. You got the money.

give us the same money. Give me $350,000 and say, do eight minutes, and this is for your benefit. Yeah, yeah. And it sounds high, but you can tell when I'm up there for 18 minutes, they'd give me $10,000 to get offstage. Exactly. You know what I mean? You could feel

them like, this sucks. What else is there? Bring their dancing dog back. Bring the horror with the hula hoop. I'm dying here. And they want to gamble or whatever. They want to play poker. They want to call each other's asshole. They want to eat each other's sisters out. Yeah, so, you know, you run out of shit on the German guy, so I'm back to bombing.

So then one guy yells up that I said something about, I don't know, Pop-Tarts, he's like, oh, Pop-Tart, you're dead in the dick, and I'm like, hey, buddy, blah, but that's killing. But then back to the material, and they're like, peep, beep, pew. You get like two seconds of grace, and then you just hear the crowd talking. Right. You know, that just goes way up. And then you're like, you know, you feel like you're just screaming into the void, and it's the longest half hour of your life. just counting those minutes, but whatever.

I got through, I got offstage, tried to find an RTD. He drank them all by then. And then I hear the owner yelling at John Daly. He's like, go back out there. We're doing karaoke. And John Daly was like, I did my part. I'm done.

He goes, I'll give another $20,000. He's like, kick it. Wow. He puts the song on. He gave the guy $20 grand. I mean, the guy is so loaded. He just kept throwing money around. It was amazing.

Cool dude. And so we do the show. We do karaoke after. and now I'm hammered. I've been drinking all night. I did a little meet and greet. It was all fun. And then before you know it,

I'm with all the staff of the steel company. They just kind of whisked me away. I'm in a car. I'm in a parking lot. Now I'm in the back of a strip club. Whoa. It's crazy. So we're all just partying,

having a great time, and they walk in, here's your ones. Here's your eight grand of ones. Wow. And there's crisp hard ones that you can cut a mango open. The problem is you give them too many. You're like, oh, I gave her three bucks. I know, I know.

I was making change after a while because I had a bunch of 20s. I was like, let me get some ones in there. I can tip people. Atlanta's got some famous strip clubs, too. Yeah, we didn't go to the gross ones. Right. I forgot where we went. I want to give them a shout out.

But it was a great club. It was one of those clubs you walk in. Strip clubs are not what they used to be. With only fans, with porn. It's a different world. You're kind of sitting there like, why am I talking to this woman? You know, she's doing like, the, how you doing big boy? She's trying to get money out of you.

Right. And you're like, I don't want to talk to you. But before, you were like, a woman's talking to me. She has tits. I'm gay. But now you're like, I don't care. Just put your labia in my ass.

Like, what do we do it here? I've been to a strip club since your bachelor party. Yeah. We should go back. They should do a strip club night. Maybe in L.A. I'm down, but it feels like a movie theater or a bowling alley. Where you're kind of like, man, it's a lot emptier.

There's not the same energy in here. Just a bunch of old guys and white trash. But then, before you know it, I'm in the back room. And that's where everybody is. He's in the back room. bathroom. Funny guy in Korea. So, yeah, you're in the back room and there's everybody.

There's a girl doing a handstand and people are dropping money in their clam. It was like a black hole. And that was crazy. And then we, I was like, I got to get the hell out of here. Got back to my hotel, woke up, drove to Chattanooga. Now let me ask you the age old question. Sure. The off-debated question.

Hit me, Fetty. At a strip club situation, who has the power? I think the guy with the cash. The guy with the cash or the woman who's, there's a woman making a guy just give her money. Sure. But there's a man getting a woman to do dirty things. Yeah. Some women or some people are like the strippers empowered because she's got the guy at the string and he's just pouring his wallet out to her.

That's true. That's true. So she has the power to take all of his money. Yeah. And other people, of course, the more, probably the more popular opinion is you got to, this guy's making this woman do stuff. So it's an interesting debate. It's a good thing you're raising there. I think it's really a metaphor for men and women.

Pussy, money. Who's got the power? Right. You know, the guy's got a wad of cash. She wants the cash. She's got a wadalabia. He wants the labia. So now we have this power.

Push and pull. Yes, rub and tug. And it's fascinating because they both want both those things. And he can dangle and she can dangle. Yeah, so it's an interesting thing because I've said this, I've had this before with, I've heard people say both things. Yeah. It's so empowering. Even like prostitution is empowering.

I own this pussy that you want. Come over here, big boy, yeah, get down on your knees. But then he's like, you get on your knees. Right. Everyone's on their knees. I've noticed when women say something's empowering, it usually is not. Not. And it's usually great for the guy.

Right. You know, a woman's like, I'm taking my shirt off. It's empowering. We're like, great. empower. I love feminism. Yeah, yeah. But you never see a woman like, I'm going to pay for everything at the house because I'm empowered. Yeah. How can't be empowered that way?

Start paying for some stuff. I want a power late. I want a lady in a business suit to take her to put it on my chest and just put me in the chair. Yeah, power plant. Tie my hands back, spitting my mouth, heel in the ass. Yes, yes. Blow my father in front of me. You know what I mean? Power bottom. I'm with you. So, yeah, crazy night. All's well that.

Well, 30 minutes of hell, got to meet John Daly. He couldn't have been cooler. The whole staff and crew and the people who ran the steel were awesome. And you get out of there with that big check and it's all worth it. And then before you know it, I'm driving that rental car at 10 a.m. to Chattanooga for some theater gig. Tell me about Chattanooga. I don't know anything about Chattanooga.

Chattanooga is a wacky town. It's a big Confederate staple. Yeah, there's a lot of that in the air. and it's one of these cute little town nestled in a bottom of a mountain. Right. And it's all... Pipes? Pipes.

It's all brush. It's all trees. Ah. So it's like, you look out. You've got the big hotel and you're like, it's just all green for as far as the anal can jizz. And the people there, it's just like a nice thing. They got a minor league baseball team called The Lookouts. Oh.

I don't know why. Might have to give that a gog. Well, they got the Mountain. I think they're probably a big job. The Lookouts. Fire watchers. They should be the fire watchers. That's a cool name.

That's better than lookouts. Yeah, look at it. Feels like my joke on stage was I went to the miners. I looked out. It sounded like a pedophile. Looking out for minors. That's not bad.

Something like that. They ate it up. You get that 20% bump when it's local. Yeah, of course. It doesn't have to be a perfect joke. But if it's local, they're like, we'll take it.

It's about us. So yeah, I did some little theater there. But I got to tell you, Fetty. We've talked about this before. Doing a theater when you don't have a tight hour, it feels horrible. I bet.

It's a microscope on how little you have. Well, you can say this to your agent. You can say, hey, give me the chuckle fart. They don't care. Right. They're like, you're going to be a Chattanooga one day, we'll get you the most money possible. And I'm like, I know, but I don't want to screw the public.

But I don't think Chattanooga has Netflix yet. I think you could probably get away with it. They've only seen whatever's on ABC family or whatever. That's a good boy. They got the Hallmark Channel. Hallmark Norman. Hey, hey, Chattanooga. Fun to say.

Chattadouga. Aruga. Yeah. Hey, that was pretty good. Hey, I was just putting to say something that was interesting, I thought. I lost it, though. Chatnuga, Tennessee. It would be nice.

Fuck me hard. All right. What was it? The comedy seller. Chattaruga, the theater, bombing. No, no material. Drive it hungover. Lookout, miners.

Oh, the theater, no material. No material in the theater. You got your 20. That's humming. And then it just... I know. I got a shoe. my stuff now because I'm sick of it.

That's what I always, people always talk about with special. How do you know it's ready? How do you know, whatever? I'm like this. I'm just tired of the jokes. So I'm like, let me shoot these. A year and a half, you're tired of them? Yeah, but you're doing a lot of shows. That's true, that's true. But see, I have the opposite. I'm like, thank God I have this material.

That's how I feel. Yeah, well, you just get tired of telling the joke again. And then some of the jokes get weird because with kid jokes, they get older. So now you're like, my son's two and a half now. I'm like, oh, my son shit on the floor and wiped his ass with it. That's true. And then I'm like, how old did you get?

I'm like, he's 11. They're like, Jesus. Well, don't you have this thing too with material? And we're getting into the deep dive here on the inside base. But you write the joke and you're like, all right, the joke is like, what's something that gets better with age? What's something that's... Wine? Well, what's something that's...

Wine is grape juice. We'll call it grape juice. You're like, hey, this is all grape juice. This is great. But then, after the material's really old, you start. to hate it, it starts to stink, but then it becomes wine. Uh-huh. Meaning like, if you have the material for so long, it actually becomes a whole other thing

with new tags and new angles that you wouldn't have thought of before. Right. It's a crazy analogy, but it starts good. Then it, after time, gets weird, but then it becomes another thing. Yeah, you kind of, because you get sick of it, so you've got to add lines just because you're tired of saying the jokes. And it's kind of lost all its intimidation. You're like, oh, that old joke.

and see your brain is free to just quiff all over it. Right, right. So that could happen. Well, my brain's all over the way because I'm editing this movie and then it's trying to do stand-up at the same time. And it's trick plus the baby, so it's a lot of moving farts. Yeah, well, I watch the Hogan

Doc off your ref. I got one episode left. It is and thralling. Well, the fourth one is great because it's where it gets all fucked up and cancely. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good. Okay. And you really, I really like him now. I never gave a shit or thought about Hulk Hogan in my life.

Well, wait till the fourth one. Okay, great. They really build him up. He seems like a nice guy. I know he was Italian. But I think he's a foolish shit liar. And that's what's problem with the documentary where it's in conjunction with the family and WWE. Because there's like a million YouTube videos of like he's lying about this.

He lied about that. Whatever. Plus he was like a union buster. He like ran it out. They were all trying to unionize. He went to Vince McMahon. It was like just a heads up. These guys are trying to whatever.

All right. I hate him now. Because they were trying to make it. where everyone got paid more, a living wage, and he was like, you can't have it, whatever. Oh, weird. Yeah, so there's all kinds of stories, and he wouldn't give the belt over, blah, blah, blah.

But I still love him because I was a boy. Sure. And the whole thing, it's very interesting. By the way, side note, I think I mentioned this last time, just got to give a shout out to our pal, your pal, your pal, my pal, Doug Key. Oh. We've been shooting these little sketch stuff.

things with me, him and Sarah. He is so funny. He's like Will Ferrell. This guy should be in every comedy. There you go. It's unbelievable. How about that? Like one take.

We've done two, three little videos. All one take. He has me on the floor laughing. That guy, he lives in Rhode Island. He should move to Hollywood. And he's handsome, too. You rarely get that combo of the handsome funny guy. He's hot.

And I mean, like, you tell him the bit. This is the idea. And he nails it. I don't know if you watch it. It's so fucking funny. I've not seen a word of this. The whole bit is he's the emcee of the show, but he's also a physical

therapist and a hot guy. So every time I'm headlining, I come off and he's stretching out Sarah or he's got her doing a thing. That sounds like a documentary. And, you know, she's doing like cat cow. And he goes, man, you were great. I heard a pop. Not you.

In your spine. I heard a, and he just, he gets the band. He's playing it so straight. It's so funny. I'm blown away by how funny this man is. Wow. I got to watch. You got to worry.

Sarah might get a little moisture down the bridges. He can go down her right in front of me. I don't give a shit. Hey. But funny guy and man, yeah, he's got, if I had, I wish I was a writer and I had money. I'd put him right in something. There you go. All right.

Well, listen up, Holly Weird. Yeah. Book the man. So anyways, yeah, we were at, we did Grove 34, which is still the best damn room in the city. Fun time. No stakes. Now this is the problem with, so I told you, I deleted Instagram off my phone. so I just have this one guy posting for me.

Normally I would have plugged, hey, Grove 34, because you just got your phone. I never did. So I showed up. I'm just used to it being sold out. There was like 18 people. Oh, no word got out. But it was fun as hell.

It was me, Doug, Kramer, the butler, Sarah, and that room is the perfect workout room. It really is. You get a lot of shit done in there. But yeah, we had a great time. And I decided I'm going to shoot, I don't want to say special, but a little YouTube thing.

called B-Sides and Stinkers. You know those bits that just, they work kind of. I got out to my whole act. So they kind of work. So we did that. And I was like, oh, there's nobody here. It's not going to work. But it was fine because there was 18 people there.

And they were good? Yeah. Oh, right. Now, what do you make of this? I had one guy do this. Do you ever have this? I'm sure you have. These happening comedy.

Sarah just had one too. And I don't want to disperch the man, of course. Uh-oh. But I go, hey, anyone got kids? And this guy goes, I got kids. I go, how old? And he goes, um, oh,

night, and I go, boy, you get taken a long time. This is embarrassing, sir. And he goes, well,

I lost a child. Oh, well, I'm on stage. I'm in middle of the show. Oh, but at the park or full on? I think,

I assume full on. Oh, boy, full blown AIDS. So then I go, yeah, Jesus Christ, we're having, trying to have fun here,

sir, I'm trying to like, but no one else is going with it. I'm like, we're trying to have a nice time, and you hit it with this. And it doesn't, didn't really get a laugh.

I will say if I lost a child, I still don't know the age. That's what I said. That's what I brought up. I wouldn't black out and go, ah, it's all gone. Well, three minutes later, I went, by the way, I still think it's hurtful. You don't know how old your other kids are. And that didn't get a laugh. And so now I'm just like in this awkward thing, my heart's racing.

And he looks very, he's not laughing either. He's not like, oh, that's good, buddy. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't ask. I'm like, maybe it happened yesterday. I don't know. Sure. But is there any part of you that?

That's like, could you keep that to yourself? Like in the middle of the show. We're in the middle of a show. He's like, hey, my kid died. Yeah, that's a comedy show. What are we doing here? And I was doing light ball busting. Like, hey, you can't remember your kids.

What are you trying? I'm trying to have fun. You get a clip. Well, I can't wait to see the clip. And this guy goes, yeah, my kid's dead. So then you're like, all right. Okay. And meanwhile, I just did 10 minutes on having a two-year-old, the joys of a two-year-old.

You're rubbing it in. Can't beat it. There's nothing better. It's the greatest gift of all time. God has bestowed a blessing on me. And this guy's like, well, mine's dead. Anyways. Oh, that is a whopper.

How do you bring? How do you come back? But I still think, like you said, if I, if my kid died, God forbid heaven help, whatever you say. You'd know the exact date. He'd be 16, 14 months in a day. I'd still know how old my wife is. Yeah, it's like being sober. It's a big number.

You and Soter? It's like being sober. You go, oh, I've been sober 14 days. You know, I lost a kid, whatever, whatever, and a week ago. I think he said it's you and Soter. I was like, what are you guys up to? No, no, up to nothing. He didn't even have a kid.

He lost another one. No, no. He's got a big head, though. Huge Noggin. Boy, but you got to post that now. Oh, I'll post. I'll post and ghost. But he's got a ghost.

It's coming up. Maybe it's probably out right now. Besides and stinkers. Besides stinkers and dead kids. And an awkward moment. awkward moment. Well, here's what's going on with the clips.

The clips now. So this guy, a friend of mine, he was getting heckled at a show and he was like, hey, fuck you, whatever, whatever. They go back and forth. He sees the guy in the bar at the lobby, in the lobby,

the club, and the guy goes, hey man, that was a crazy interaction we had. And he was like, yeah. And the guy goes, can I get that footage? And the comic goes, I'm getting the footage.

And he goes, I want to post it. So now in the audience. What? wants to post. So the hecklers are now the people. The heckler is, he heckled him to get a clip for him. That's impressive. This is what we're out.

We shouldn't put this out there. This is where we're at because that's content for his page. Hey, comedians are yelling at me. Look at me. I'm fighting with a comedian. How about that? Oh, we're doomed. I mean, it's over.

The business is dead. But you kind of almost can't blame the guy because he, we've been using them for years. Like, hey, you fat bitch, I'm posting this on my page. Double Ds. you got there, sir. Now they're like, fuck you, I want it to. Well, I just had an incident at the Village Underground this weekend, but I don't want to say he was hosting because he's a dear,

dear friend of mine. I think he's hilarious and a sweet guy, and I love him to death. But he was doing a thing. He was doing a bit of crowd work. And it was a college kid sitting stage right and the bench, the seats like facing this way, the stage is right here. And he was just sitting like this. And the host guy, who's a close friend, was like,

why you're sitting like that, you fucking idiot? And he's like, what are you retarded? You sit like, fucking idiot. And I was in the back being like, how else would he sit? I don't get it. Yeah, yeah. So I went on stage and said that. I was like, yeah, I've never done this before. But one comic is shitting on the audience. Remember, I went on and was like,

hey, I don't know how else you would sit. I don't get it. That's lunch. I like that. I thought it was funny. It bombed, and I think the guy was mad at me. Because I ruined his crowdwork moment, but I'm like, you're just sitting. The guy's like, I know. Yeah. I'm not a crowdwork hater, but I don't like the bullying. Like if you go,

oh, what? What? That's crazy. oh my God, what a silly thing to say. But if you're like, you're stupid, the things you do are dumb. Fuck you. Kill yourself. I'm like, what is this? Yeah, I don't always... I showed up to a show and I was getting berated.

I don't always get it. It's like the Flying Sandos brothers when they throw the code. It's a little unusual. It's a little unusual. I came to see a show and I'm getting mocked and berated. I hate when comics try to fuck up a first day. Like, first day, they're like, whoa! What are you going to suck his dick?

I'm like, help him out. Oh, how about this way? When are you guys getting married? The guy's like, I don't know. Oh! You don't know when to get married. You're going to fucking get raped and dumped. And you're like, don't ruin this guy's life.

I hate that shit. Rape raped and dumped. It's funny. But what am I supposed to do? I just made fun of a guy's dead kid. So I'm a bad person. You're going to hell of the handbag. The Asian lady's backing by garbage.

God damn. She doesn't even look like she needs garbage. She's got a nice purse and a face. Yeah, they want to find. It's like storage wars. They're like, maybe this is the one that's got the gold bar in it. Well, if any house, this could be the one. I mean, you know, you couldn't throw away an Emmy for God's sakes.

Oh, who you're talking to? I'm a hoarder and a whore. My wife is, she'll throw anything out. I guess so. Hey, folks, good communication is the key to running a successful business. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, the business communication system built so you never miss a call. Whoa, Nelly. Yeah.

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very often. The first thing I ever got it was this little painting. It's two little paintings. They're like three by three. And it's like a painting of a chair and it says ghost. And then there's an empty chair. And then there's another one that says also a ghost. It's an empty, that's just pointing at an empty chair. It's clever. Oh, I see. I see. I see.

There's a ghost here. That's also a ghost here. Anyway, I bought it when we were dating. In 2011, and I'm cleaning up, we're getting moving. They're just in the trash. I was like, what the fuck is this? That's crazy. She's like, wow, I'm getting rid of stuff. And I'm like, that's like the first thing I ever bought you. It's a piece of art.

I love it. I got emotional. I was like, you hate me, you hate my life. My wife's the same way. She enjoys throwing things out. I'm like, I'm nervous to have a kid with you. I mean, I like throwing things out, but not said mental. Then the other day, I shouldn't even be saying.

This is so personal. But when we were having the baby, Alan, our therapist, wrote like, you guys are going to be great. Handwritten note. You guys are going to be great parents. It's the greatest gift of all time. And you'll just be wonderful and love. every minute, love Alan and Beverly.

They were cleaning up, Sarah just crumpled. Oh, I go, what the fuck are you doing, you little piece of shit? Cruple is. What the hell is this? And she's like, wow, it's old. And I'm like, that is the only

thing we have. Like, you don't take a photo with your therapist. No, you don't. I got no photo. I have a handwritten note. Yeah. That's funny.

I got a handwritten. It's like a fish. A handwritten fish nets. I got a handwritten note From my old therapist who changed my life. Yeah, Alan. No one else wrote a letter. When I was having a baby, no one's like,

dearest son. Yeah, let me get my quill. The greatest gift. And I'm like, if I wasn't present, this thing would be in the trash can. So you yanked it out of there. I go, what are you nuts? And now is a big crease in it.

And then she's like, well, we got shit everywhere. I'm like, well, that's, come on. I'd rather you throw away my cash than throwing my handwritten note. I can get cash back. Cash back. No CODs. Yes. So then she puts it like a shid away.

She puts it like a shoebox and slides it out of the bed. I'm going to get it framed and matted. I like it. Half on a spite and half out of, you know, he's going to be dead by the time this podcast come out. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. The no sentimental. That's cuckoo bananas.

Women like to throw things out. They do. They really do. Anything. My wife bought a treadmill two weeks later in the garbage. Wow. I was like, it didn't even fit the garbage. It's a treadmill.

Maybe that's the Asian lady's looking for. Even my mother. My mother is like the worst of all. Like, there is not. I said this the other day maybe. I can't remember who it was due. There is not a speckle of evidence that I was ever a boy living in her house. You can't find a photo or a port card, a letter, a crayon.

There is just zero. I mean, there's not a single photo of me or my son. Yeah. I don't even think there's one in the basement attic. My baseball cards are in the shed. They got those. Okay. But you can't find a homework assignment, a photo album, a shoe with brink.

with bronze. No, forget about that. Nothing. Yeah, what is that? Because you go to some people's house. Here's my first report card. Here's me and my parents on a ski trip. Here's the first time we went to Disneyland.

I never went to Disneyland. Not only that. There's no story. She doesn't even go, oh, my God. When Joe was six, he took a shit in a sock. He also did it when he was 30. He's shit in a sock. He hung it on the tree.

It was so funny. He wore my high heels. Right. Still does that. But yeah, you're right. Yeah, my parents are the same. way. They have a photo of me on Fallon, but I gave it to him. That was a weird

gift. I was like, here's a gift. They were like, this isn't of us. It's a shitty gift. Told that story. The first time I did Fallon, I framed the Joe List card, the little flagger, framed and maddened it, gave it to her as a gift. Yeah, and it was literally tucked behind

a chair when I came home and my therapist's advice was like, take it back. That's good. They don't want. I said, I'm going to take this home. Obviously, you don't want it. And she's like, no, no, no, we're and then she hung it in my bedroom that no one goes in. Wow. Yeah.

Damn, at least you hung it up, I guess, but Jesus. After I, I did a, what do you call that? What's that call when you say, if you don't do this, I'm leaving? Oh, oh, ultimatum. Ultimatum. Yes, yeah, he's on ultimatum. Wait, what did you say? Ultimatum, California, isn't that?

I think I'm Palo Alto and Alameda. Alameda. Alameda. It was a stretch, yeah. Stretch armstrong. It was half Palo Alto. Half Alameda. I don't know what the fuck.

Yeah, El Tumato. That's a tough one. Yeah. But you're like, I guess I'll keep it. Because you felt like, you know, a guy wins an Oscar.

He gives it to his mother. Yeah, yeah. Something. I'm not winning an Oscar. All I got is a cardboard fucking piece of paper that says your next comic is Joe List. Well, you know what's annoying about my mom.

She doesn't take photos. Every photo in the house is something I put up or whatever. But she'll text me and go, hey, I miss the boy. Send me some picks. And I'm like, I have picks.

Unlike you. I want to go send me some picks of me as a kid. Right. They don't have them. Well, I guess... It's a different... It's a different apparatus. She can't just walk around with 40,000 photos under her arm.

I guess you just want a person to go, thank God you take picks. Right. That's all I want is the acknowledgement. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. All right. So, I don't know how we're doing on time, but I went to Jazz Fest. I can save that.

I think you talked about Jazz Fest a little, or you referenced it. Yeah, I don't think I... I think I referenced Talking Head. Yeah, you're right. I did mushroom. Nah, you're probably right. But great time. Huh?

What happened after Chattanooga? Did you go somewhere else? No, I flew home, had the weekend off. It was very lovely. I didn't see it at the seller. I was at the seller for the first time since it's 85. You know, I don't want to, ah, I shouldn't say. I already got yelled at by Liz.

She's scary. Yeah, I made a joke by Grita Thunberg getting past, and she was like, shut the fuck up. What are you doing to me? Oh, geez. Yeah, but I don't know. I'll tell you off here. Okay.

I want to hear more, but yeah, I forget, because I haven't been to the cellar since the 80s. And, you know, we think about moving. It's a nightmare. But then, Saturday night, I'm at the cellar, and I put in for early, and now they have somebody's shows. My spots are like 620, 720, 745. Oh, that's money. Home at 845. Old Peyton Ruddy was in town.

Shout out, Peyton. Speaking of shoutouts, evidently, you guys, he came up on Protect Our Parks, or maybe it was the Ari episode. But how about this? This is classic comedy right here. Peyton Ruddy, hilarious guy. If you don't know him, you'll know him soon. He's moving here. He's excited.

Very funny. He looks, he's just like Stavros. When I met Stavros, he was fat and had a shaved head, was 25, was like, I'm a big fan. Right. And about to blow up, and that's exactly Peyton Ruddy. Yeah, he just needs to lose a tooth and go Greek. Absolutely.

So. He looks like Uncle Fester. He really does. Spitting him. Adorable Fester. Yes, yes. He's cousin Fester. big. So,

anyway, so I go and meet up with him, but he was telling me the story that I can't remember, it was you guys or Ari? I think it was Ari. His girlfriend was like, hey, you got a mention on the latest Joe Rogan. Ari Shafir said your name. And he's like, oh, wow, that's big. Fun. So he goes, and he's like, when is? What's the

timestamp? People go, oh, 4738. He goes, all right, here I come. I'm on Rogan. And it's Ari he goes, you know that kid, Peyton Ruddy? And Joe Rogan goes, fat kid? And he's like, yeah, he's fat. And he goes, yeah, he was asking me food advice for New York.

And I said, you've got to get a fresh slice of pizza. And it's funny to have a fat person ask food advice. And that's the end. They just move on to something else. That's a clip. And he's like this. What the fuck is that? Don't tell me that.

Yeah, I got zinged on the biggest show of all time. They go, hey, they mentioned you. Is he fat? Yes, he's fat. Very fair. All right, let's move on. Yeah. Cut and print.

But anyways, I went and met up with him. But you go there, it's fucking Saturday night, lines around the corner, and, you know, I don't get recognized a ton, but you go to the village on a Saturday night. I'm like fucking Warren Beatty over there. Oh, you're Shalame. It's crazy. And hot crowds went inside. It was like Colin Quinn, Mike Babiglia, Nick Griffin, and who else?

Aaron Jackson and Veronica Mosey. Oh, wow. Ray Ellen, Jordan Carlo. It was just a fun. group of people. Then you go over the table. It's Keith Robinson. Hey, Big Keith. Colin, Dove. Everyone's just shitting on him. It's like 1998 over there. It was wonderful. And you see S.D. And she's, she's great. She's sweet. I saw Liz. Liz is like just the coolest. Cool, broad. Brassy broad. But yeah, there's a feeling. There's a vibe in the air.

It feels like you're doing something. And I rode my bike there. I'm riding my bike to the cellar, being like, what am I talking about? I'm not moving. We're crazy. You're not going anywhere. The sun is shining. The wind is in. your air. You can't ride a bike in Austin. They don't even have bikes. Oh, they got bikes everywhere, big bike town. Maybe you're right. They got Greenbelt. Lance Armstrong's from there. His most famous biker in history. I haven't heard of him on a bike in 20 years. That's a good. He's got one ball. I don't know. No one thinks the Austin idea is good. I told Stavros.

And he fucking was like Yokosuna jumping off the rope and power splashing me. I'm Mr. Fuji. Get him. He was like, you're a piece of shit. You're a fucking idiot. That'll be the worst thing you ever did. You're going to be a right wing. piece of shit, which is so crazy that I'm just going to go there and talk to Joe and be like, oh yeah, good point. I've seen it happen a few times, actually. I guess. Well, those are different kinds of people. But it's just, there's a stigma now with a place.

You just want to move somewhere. You want to have a backyard. That's really what it comes down to. Everybody acts, because everyone has, Austin has this image now. It's a crazy sting because it had the opposite feeling before. I know. Keep it weird, bitch. It was weird, liberal, Texas liberal hub. And now because of three guys, it's like this whole thing. I know, it's silly. And then people are like, the club's going to die. It's going to fall apart.

And I'm like, it seems to be doing pretty well. It's sold out every night, God-david. Literally every night. Yeah. And I don't know. I don't know what we're doing. But, yeah. Well, let me just say this.

We did protect our parks. Talk about Peyton Ruddy. For about two days, the entire internet was furious at us. For what? Well, I want to apologize. I want to make a public apology. You know, you're just smoking a cigar. I got six pounds of whiskey up my ass.

I'm on a big pod. Shane's, you know, got a weird mustache. And you're wearing sunglasses. And I'm like, oh, what's up with this guy? He's a fucking homo, huh? And they're like, who? I'm like, ah, you know, that guy. You just start going off.

You just, what do you call it? Spouting off? Sure. Spitting off. Spigoting. So a photo comes up. I'm like, look at this fucking homo. And this is clavicular guy.

You know, clavicular? Caligula. Oh, that's it. No, who's Caliph-Lick here? He's like a hot, sexy model guy who's like telling guys how to be hotter. I got no idea at now. Yeah, he's not my cup of jizz,

but I just calling him a homo because of his photo and other things that rhyme. And then he's like, he did a clapback. And he's like, who are these idiots? Why are they making fun of me? The kid's 20 years old. Clapback. What do you call that?

No, clapback, I think. I just didn't expect you to use the terminology. Yeah, yeah. I got the clap. So back. So I'm like, yeah, what's up with this guy? And then he made a video and he's like, why are these guys trashing me? And we're just three idiots on a pod trashing this guy.

Which one is not an idiot? Oh. Good point. Four idiots. Five with Jamie. J-M-O. Appreciate it. No, he's smart.

Yeah, he's a good guy. He's so good. Very good. He didn't edit that up. But I want to apologize to this kid. I don't know who he is. I don't know anything about the guy. He's just trying to make a living.

He's 20 years old. he's surrounded by blonde hores. He's living the dream. And I'm like, ah, fuck that guy, he sucks. So I was reading all the mean comments back to me. And I'm like, he's right. I'm a bully.

This is the problem with deleting social media. I missed it. I would have loved to see this 20-year-old homo bully you. Yeah, yeah. That sounds fun. He deserved every minute of it. And I feel bad. I was just spouting off,

shooting from the hip or whatever the hell they say. Seam of the pants, whatever. Yeah. And I'm sorry, kiddo. you're just trying to do your thing and here I am some old quiff bitching and moaning Yeah, well that's nice of you

Yeah, I'm trying And he was He made it worse He's like clapping back And he's not great at it He's like That guy's stupid And then he's like

Look at Ari He's ugly I was like that was pretty good I like this guy And he's all he's all like looks conscious So he said she goes Shane He's got a surplus of calories Which is the funniest thing

Of all times because that's how he talks because he's like, he weighs too much. Uh-huh. He doesn't just say fat. So what's his thing? He's like a mental health guy or physical health guy? Beauty. He's like male beauty.

Like you've got to be buffed. You've got to have no body fat. You've got to have a good jaw. You've got to have cheekbones. That's what I said. That's why I call him a homo. But I feel guilty because he's a sweet kid. He never attacked me.

Why am I attacking him? Right. So I'm sorry, Clevee. Wow. You're changed. This is a new mark. You've got a couple thousand extra people to start working on here. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

All right. Let me get up the list. But, yeah, so I don't know. It's one thing you start, you're shitting on Epstein. You're shitting on whatever, Rubio or some shit. But I'm shitting on like a random 20-year-old who's just trying to make a living on Instagram. Well, that's good for you, good of you. And we love you there, Clavicle.

You're a good man. And I know you're going to win. There you go. You're going to be just fine. I got to see this guy. Can you get a photo? Let me see him. I mean, he's gorgeous.

Let me see clavicle. His name is clavicle. Clavicle. Glavik. Cleveland. Clavicular. Clavicular. I don't know where that you're from.

He's hunk. Let me see the hunk. I want to see a hunk. I think he's a hunk of shit. Fuck this guy. I got to get some. Look at that guy. He's gorgeous.

Age 20 years old. 20. Sacred heart. He's okay. What? That guy. You'd kill him to look like that guy. Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't rather.

Oh, look, it literally comes up. You do images. It's just clavicle. Clavicles. Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Collarbone. You're a good egg, and you never shit on me, so I feel bad shitting on you. Let's see if he's in the news. Pence sack of illegal drugs that looks maker.

Oh, this is all clavicle shit. Oh, we're spending too much time on the boy here. Oh, looks maxing. I hear Sarah talk about this all the time. He said I was retard maxing. I was like, all right, that's something. Oh, he had an overdose scare on TMZ. Oh, that's probably because of me.

Oh, boy. Jesus. Let's get that phone back. You fucked me last night. Lawsuit accusers looks mac. On having non-consexual sex with teen. Wait a minute. Now I like him.

I mean, what the heck? Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah. Random guy by that. I don't want to cut that out because I'm already in deep with this twink. Well, he might be a criminal. That's true. But he might have been a teenager.

Who the hell knows? I'm gay, but he's a cute twink, and he does very well with the ladies, and I've taken it all back. All the other people I trashed have at it. Yeah, take it. Well, we love you, Klovicki, and you seem like a good kid. You're very handsome boy, and I'm sure you're going to do great out there. He's going to be just fine.

What's crazy is I could be as, like, granddad. Yeah, well, I don't know about granddad. You're 20 years older than him. Oh, yeah, his regular dad. There you go. 24 years old than him. Yeah, that's definitely. Definitely a regular dad.

Yeah, just dad. Also, we did a lot of Jew trashing because Ari's a foot away from you. So that mug, you got to really hone in on it. Right. And I got a lot of Jewish people like, hey, you said this. We're going through a lot right now. Enough to that. I was like, I'm just trying to shit on Ari, but I'm sorry.

So I had to apologize to Netanyahu and all the others. Oh, boy. But, yeah. These podcasts, man, they get you. There's three hours of open dialogue and drinking. Right. With dudes. Yeah.

Which is nothing but inappropriate, off-color remarks. Well, this is the problem. Colin Quinn talked about it many times. He's like, we live in a time where you can get in trouble for saying anything, and then we record every single conversation we have. That's true. Anywho, we got to wrap it up. I got to go alleviate Sarah.

Holy shit. She's got to be late. Thanks for being here. You go to punchup live.com, the greatest website ever built by a man. And sign up my email list. It keeps happening. People are like, when are you coming to the Bay Area? I'm like, I did six sold-out shows in San Francisco in February.

Sing it, sister. March April. It was two months ago. Ah, I heard you go to Spokane. Spokane. And then, of course, the U.K. is going on. I got governors. Whoa. I got, what the fuck else am I going to?

A bunch of shows, I should look these up before. Give them a goog. Oh, fuck, side splitters in Tampa, of course. That's something. Oh, Calgary. I'm coming to Calgary. I'm supposed to be in Pittsburgh. They double booked me, which is a little offensive.

That's crazy. Calgary. Oh, fuck me. Just added that one. Portland, Maine, of course. That's coming July 2nd and 3rd. Fill up that space. Well, once you come out, August?

Who knows? May 18. Oh, okay. May 18. Oh, I'm in the UK. We got Dublin coming up. Dublin, Ireland, and those is a beautiful neighbor. I missed it.

And, yeah, that's it. I don't know. Go to Punch Up Live. Check out the Tom Dustin Doc. Also available on Punch Up for six bucks, which is a fucking deal. And we all can't wait for the Skank Fest document. I'm watching the Hogan thinking about you. Oh, it's going to be insane.

It's going to be just insane. I've just seen some clips, and the clips are bananas. So keep on going on that and get excited, folks. How about this text? Jason Canter. Hey, is Doug Key in the Bob Dylan movie? Yes. Yeah.

Big time. I mean, I know. This is a big key up. Keymaster. Hey, I'm in Philadelphia. Milwaukee, we added a show. Come on out. Let's sell that one out.

Irvine, California, IA. Bringing the baby out to the West Coast. I want to see his ass in the sunshine, dropping the Manhattan Beach water. Then we're going to Tempe, Arizona. Royal Oak, we added a show in Cleveland at Hilarities. Spokane's over. Thanks for coming.

Wait, when's Hilarities? Like August? Oh, okay. Why? No, we're going to be there in June. Oh, July, July. Yeah, we'll just miss you. All right.

We'll see you in hell. And yeah, save your anecdotes and your memorabilia and buy some bodega cat. What do you got there? Chuck and Larry. Oh, that's interesting. Check on my podcast. It's just a weird bull. Went to the back of the brain for that one.

And, yeah, we're doing a very special film project. We're still looking for backers. Sorry, I say this every week. But every time I say it, more people reach out. Wow. I'm looking for backers, too. Come on my backers. Yeah.

So it's a fun project and reach out to me at Discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. And I'll tell you all about it. Looking for backers, not actors. Oh. Just so you know. That's a T-shirt. All right. Well, that's it.

Check on the Patreon. Bill Burr is on there. I hope. I haven't really confirmed with them. I should confirm. Please do. Yeah. Behind the scenes.

Adam Ray. Maybe Fahib. It's going to be nuts. Oh, yeah. I got a wee-wee-wee. So we'll see it. La-la-L-Land. We'll see you at hell.

Praise Allah. See it at L.A. tomorrow. Hell! Weird!