Tuesdays with Stories! - #657 Live in LA w/ Bill Burr, Greg Fitzsimmons & Fahim Anwar

Episode Date: May 26, 2026

Mark and Joe are coming in HOT live from LA with Bill Burr, Greg Fitzsimmons & Fahim Anwar! Big thanks to Jason Katz for filming. It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  -Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 70-80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS  -Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off with code TUESDAYS at http://takeultra.com #UltraPouches #ad -Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/  

Hey, hey, folks, it's a gay, lazy Sunday. Hanging out with the fat Greg. What's shaking, Dickless? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He misses being on the show. But we got a hot Patreon. Wait, no.

We got a hot live app. I know you hate the live apps. But this was a Whopper. Bill Burr. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fahimamonwar. Was there another guy? Joe List?

I didn't think he was on it. But yeah. hot live app at the Hollywood Improb part of the Netflix Fest. It's like an hour and a half long. We'll put the hour on the YouTube's and then we'll put a half hour on the Patreon. Joe and Bill Burr kind of go at it. They got that fiery Irish Boston jizz inside of them. But it's a great app. It's a whopper. The crowd was killer. L.A. Netflix Fest, the whole thing. So check out the hour. Check out the live app. and then we'll back it up with the Patreon.

30 minutes of it will be on Patreon. So you've got to check that out. It's a doozy. It's a whopper. Give it a whirl. Give it a goog. I'll see you in hell. Praise Allah.

Thank you, my vinegar. Hey, Mark. Fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard.

And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe Liss. Yeah! This Tuesdays with stories, everybody.

No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. You know them, you love them. Please welcome Mark Norman and Joe Lisk. This is an aisle. This is the aisle. That's no good.

No, these are both aisles, and then we're across the aisle from each other. The drink cartel, hit your elbow. That's a window. Look at it. That's clearly a window. You're in a window. All right. Now, how do you feel about the person,

is the window responsible for the window, or is it a team effort? Do you ask? I hate the shade. You've got to lower the shade. Sometimes you get on a 5 a.m. flight. They've got the sun coming right up your ass. But you're getting a view of the world,

and if you want the shade, you've got to buy the window. I guess so. What's the deal with the window, see? Oh, that's brutal. I wonder if the guy on 9-11 had the window. A bunch of people had the window.

So he was like, hey, look at it. Well, and it was double window because the people in the building had windows. Oh. They were going, that's awfully low, isn't it? Yeah. People in the building had windows. It's insane to think about it, and it's sad and respect.

But, like, there must have been a person... It's been enough time. There's a person... person in the building that saw a 747 like fucking like nose to nose like like just coming right out.

That's true. It's probably some guy's last day. I can't wait to quit. Oh! Yeah. Damn, that is crazy. 25 years this year. Hey, all right. If you believe it. No.

Oh, I believe. Also, we're acting like there wasn't like 17 terrorists going, Get down, fuck you. Easy. No good. They're fucking murderers. Don't get mad at me.

They might have been Chinese. Jesus. Can we get some waters? They'll give us water in there. There we go. Oh, hey, thanks for coming, folks. 19? Terrorists.

19? Yeah, one didn't show or one died? Because the plane that got taken down, allegedly, had one fewer terrorist. he got, he called in sick or something. Wow. Yeah, his fucking, his hat wasn't working.

Something happened, I don't know. Smart guy. Maybe he missed the flight. You might have overslept. I think, yeah, I think he might have just been like, oh, God, my back. Sorry, you guys go without me. It might have been bin Laden.

But yeah, that's, uh, that's a sport. You know, Seth McFarland was supposed to be on that flight and he was hung over. He was flying here, yeah, from Boston. Oh, yeah. Is that right? It was coming L.A.? Yeah. Wait a minute.

Because they needed all the fuel. Give me fuel, give me fire, give me that's aire. Cool. What's that from? Metallica. Ah, not familiar with that band. All right. Oh, geez, we got a whole group behind us here.

So, hey, what's up, man? Sorry, this is a horrible view for you guys. That's because you sat there. We could have put one of our dickhead guests over there. Somebody's going to sit here. Front and center. Maybe I'll move over here. This will be a little better.

There we go. We have a lot of guests. We know how much the fans love guests. Hey, we've booked a lot of people. He's not a guest, don't worry. But thank you, sir. Appreciate that. So, yeah, 9-11. Boy, what a bummer, huh?

We got right into it. What else should we cover? The Holocaust and COVID, other things that were made up? Who the hell knows? Yeah. Just joking. Now, you guys, West Coast people, you guys got 9-11, like, late. It was already done by the time you guys woke up.

That's right. The time change. You guys woke up. It was just a different skyline. You're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. You know my 9-11 story? I sure do, but they might not. Okay. So I woke up, hungover. I was in college at the time. I was a freshman. I was on my second college, because I was an idiot.

Yeah. And... I was on zero colleges, which is even worse. Well, that's the weird thing about college. I've gone to three. Which, anything else, you're like, hey, three. But when it's college, you're like, oh, you're dumb. Right. What if I was like, hey, I have, uh, you know, three kids. You go, oh, good for you. Well, there's other bad threes. There's three wives, three misdemeanors, three children in your basement. Yeah, this is bad threes. Sounds pretty good. But, all right.

But, yeah, I woke up hungover. I was a college kid. And my dad stops me in the kitchen. He goes, something horrible has happened. And I was like, oh, shit. I ran over Nana or some shit, you know. And he goes, ah, the buildings have been attacked. The terrorists attacked a bunch of buildings.

And I was like, oh, thank God. All right. Then I went to college and that was the only person there. Wow. It was empty. We got off. I got off school. Pretty good.

That is good. You know what? My problem is I got distracted because I know you. Yeah. Oh, hey, that guy. Yeah, that guy. I've seen this guy at every coast, every town, every city. Yes.

And you always have a different woman with you. It's impressive. She looks pissed. I'm only kidding. Yeah, I was an Asian last time. What the hell? No, I just saw you last... Don't tell me in Columbus.

Hey, Christopher. This is where I'm at in my career. I can point out my fans. I'm like, hey, Big Pete! How you doing, Sue? I think I saw you in New York. The stand a lot, yeah. We fucked.

Yeah. Yeah. I saw you in Portland. the black girl, that really beautiful chick with the heels? Uh-oh. I'm only kidding. I'm teasing. I'm teasing.

I just know black people in Portland. What the hell are you talking about? Come on. I'm just kidding. It's a classic gag. We're good to see you guys again. Boy, you're spending a lot. You're spending more money on us than our parents.

We appreciate it. We'll bet my you. All right. But, yeah, 9-11, that must have been quite an exciting time for the terrorists. They must have been, like, on the flight, like, Like, have you ever put on like a surprise party for your buddy? And then you're like, he's got no idea. You know what I mean?

Yeah, then you blow up his house. They must have had that feeling on, like, buckling in. I know, especially when they got through security, like, whoa, they have no idea. Right. Crazy. We're not pro 9-11. We're just saying, no, no, no. I hate 9-11.

Yeah, bad time. Mm-hmm. But they got the new tech. There's a tower there now. Yeah, I live under it. It's a beautiful tower. Yeah. Beautiful tower.

Hell of a tower. Tallest building in North America. You know, it's 1776 feet. What? Christ was born. Yeah, it's a beautiful building. I live across the street. I can see it right out my window.

It's very, hopefully lightning doesn't strike or plane doesn't strike twice. Oh, geez. Well, we had another tragedy. We got Katrina. That was a big one for me. Yeah. That one... Different kind of strat.

That was the... Jews. Yeah. They got the weather. Yeah. You know, Byron Allen owns the weather channel. What's that now?

Byron Allen owns the weather channel. No kidding. I wonder why I saw fucking comics unleashed on the weather report. I don't know. You get it. Eight's on the eights.

I should have worn a jacket tonight. I'm actually... I brought a jacket, but didn't wear it. Ah. Can I wear yours? Sure. All right. It's like we're dating. So, uh... Oh, you were telling about the guy on the way here.

Oh, my Christ on Christmas. Well, we're walking, and, uh, you know, Mark's very popular guy. So we got stopped a few times, regular people. Hey, let's take a photo, you know, whatever. And then there was another guy just, he had a box of pizza, him and his girlfriend. Each had a boxed pizza just walking. And he goes, oh, my God, there's two of my heroes, which is embarrassing, frankly. Heroes.

If we're your heroes, keep it to yourself. It's embarrassing. I mean, literally embarrassed. Just be like, hell, there's two guys I like. But anyways, so it's one of those ones where we're walking, and right away, he just starts walking with us, and immediately I was like, how far are you going? Yeah.

And then he was like, hey, can I do a bit for you? And I started laughing because I was like, oh, this guy, we don't want to hear a bit, so he's being funny. And he goes, no, no, I got a joke I wrote. He's like, no, seriously, I'm a comedian. And then he just left his wife in the dust. Like, she was 300 feet back, she had heels on, and then he just walked in between it,

like he was our producer or something, and then he did a bunch of jokes that were horrible. Well, one was okay. The last one was pretty good. Pretty good, yeah. Tell it. He said, I just moved out of my mother's house, finally, and I like living with my dad way better.

Now, Reggie, let's, uh... No, no, no, no, I'm just kidding. He killed himself. But he was nice, but it was like 15 blocks. He was just our buddy for like 35 minutes. Yeah, what the hell? No one walks in L.A. except this guy. Yeah, and us.

And his wife is just gone. I mean, she was 200 yards behind us. She was like the 20th terrorist that stayed home. Oh, yeah. Remember earlier? Heroes, we were first responders. Yeah. That felt good.

Never been a hero. No. I've eaten a hero. What's the difference in a hero on a gyro? That's a good question. Is it? I don't know. I think a hero is.

a sandwich and a gyro is a rap. A hero is the kind of the bread. You can say on a hero. It's like a sub. Uh-huh. And then a gyro is a wrap with the meat coming out of it. And there's that famous photo with the lady. Pull that up.

I don't know. You've seen it. It's all over America. There's a famous gyro photo? I swear to God. I don't think it's that famous. We get a laptop in here. You've seen, everybody's walked by. It's at every bodega, Every time's what do you call that?

7-11. Sir, you know what he's talking about? Not a damn clue. Yeah, he doesn't have a clue. All right, all right. Well, let's get back to 9-11. Anyone remember 9-11? Anybody got a crazy, where were you, story?

Six-grade. Six-grade. That is crazy. I'm hard. All right. Six grades. How about that George Bush strike? Remember? Oh, yeah.

And the golf swing wasn't bad either. Well, that was later. That was fun. I watched this drive. But yeah. George Bush came out at Yankee Stadium and he fucking threw a strike and an eagle landed on his head.

I fucking... Wow. I was like, this guy should be the king. I loved him. Yeah. He came out and like walking like a cowboy and then he had the fucking megaphone. Remember that?

Oh, the megaphone. The guy said, we can't hear you and he said, I can hear you. And the people responsible are going to hear from all of us. And I was at home like, let's fucking go! Yeah.

He was cute. Yeah, he was cool as shit. And he would say, tur. We're going to get these terrorists. Turr. And then, like, three days later, he's like, we're going to go to Iraq. And everyone was like, what's that now?

That's that far. You watched the news back then? I was all over the news. Really? Stink on a monkey. I love the news back then. I was watching Growing Pains and Simpsons. I didn't catch the news.

Well, 9-11, it was a big deal. Yeah, I heard about it later. What else was there about 9-11? Well, there was a lot of ash. Remember the ash? Ashcroft, John Ashcroft He was the secretary of the city It submerged all the police

And the firemen That was back when people liked police Yeah Oh boy Different time How about that ice Alright Should we bring out some guests

I feel like we got some We got some big time guests Oh yeah I mean some of the biggest Very big They're probably regretting saying yes Yeah But we're excited to have them guys

Damn it. Yeah. You bring out one and I'll bring out it. We got like 14 of them. Oh, yeah. It's going to be a who's who here. We've got a starting five. Let's start with one of our old pals.

Put your hands again. He's got a new special out for Heem-on-War. You've seen him at the store. You've seen them all over the place. There he is. Some of the best hair in the business. Ray, had as awkward because you're Afghani, but what are you going to do?

Yeah, I didn't even put that together. We did a whole 9-11 theme. Sorry. Did you know them? I knew a little. A little. I opted out. Fahim was the 20th terrorist that didn't show up.

He didn't make it. He had a spot at the... I want to tell jokes, and they let me not do it. That's a little offensive. Jesus Christ. Come on. Do you feel like your hair is underrated? Because I think you got some of the best in the business.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks, man. Beautiful. Thank you. Adam Ray's got some pretty good stuff. I'm trying to think who else. Do you have a top five? Oh, boy. Boy.

Let's see. Top five. have hair. Great hair. Theo Vaugh. Yeah. The background. Brian Holtzman? Oh, Holtzman. Oh, it's not one out of place. The Steffino.

Oh, Chris D'Kee's got a great head of hair. You're right. Okay, okay. That's true. This feels like Family Feud. I'm like, good answer. Good answer. See what the survey says. Yeah. Boy, you really put the brakes on this. thing with the hair. Yeah.

Well, we were cooking for a second. Yeah, yeah. What about Trevor Noah? That's like diversity. Yeah, he's got hair. What about Trevor Wallace is some nice hair. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ben Wallace.

Sure. He does comedy now? Cat Williams. That's a great one. He's got a perm. You think Cat Williams, you think hair. Bill Burr. I don't know about that.

Yeah. That's funny. All right, I'll bring up the next guest. Yeah. hair put your hands together for Greg Fitzsimmons full tracks is that what is that velvet floor baby this is called this is called a sweat cedo and I'm excited to announce I just married a mafia guy that's what I look like I look like a mafia way did you guys see the movie the

town the guy that clicks the roses oh yeah looks just like it I can see a guy at the guy at the end he's like trimming the roses and he's like I fuck your mother in the ass or whatever. I don't remember all... I fuck your mother in the ass. And, well, boy, somebody mentioned them. So our other guest, the big guest,

the big get, Bill Burris. Saviose. The obvious question, who canceled? Oh, wait, somebody died? No, another guy's coming later. Did you have a, you had a third mic and somebody fucking died? We got a surprise later.

Oh, okay. It's Giuliani's chair. It's not a surprise. It's not a surprise if you have the chair there. Did Giuliani die? No, he was in the hospital. He was in the hospital. Keep your Apple watch on.

Guys like that never die. They just keep going. He's a vampire. Giuliani, he was bit. We've been talking 9-11 down here. He was really on fire. 9-11, Giuliani. He was like the guy.

He saw it for what it was. He was like, this is a career move. I'm jumping on this. This is going to get me to the White House. It almost did. He was just unsightly. He wasn't good-looking enough. You know?

Couldn't play the saxophone. He had a lot of drawbacks. Just creepy. You know? It just wasn't a woman. It wasn't a guy that women could see sexually assaulting them. That they would let it pass. Right.

Now, Barack, you want to fuck you. He's a hunk. He's hot for a president, I feel like. No. He's... slick. I don't think he'd call a black guy's slick. He's his nickname. He's down. He's all, you know, he's a homie, man. He was charming. Charming's better.

All right, all right. No, I think Obama's like handsome in, but if he was up here, it'd be the second most handsome guy up here. Yeah, Greg's got him. Seriously? No. The hope. He's like seriously? Hey, all right, I forgot. We were here.

Who do you think is the hottest president of all times? It's got to be Kennedy, right? Reagan had a look. Not when he was in office. He was 106. Reagan had great hair. He had Superman hair. He was like if Superman lived.

Beautiful hair. Right? Oh, the actors died. Superman's alive. Sorry, nerds. He's still out there. He's still out there, spinning the globe backwards to undo your teenage life.

Guys with hair back then. This feels like we're live from Applebee's with these fucking shares. I don't understand why we're sitting so high in the air. There's no way to sit comfortable in these two without a fucking table till you guys want to get some sliders? Now you just, the sadness of your life is exposed. These are very Buffalo Wildlings, for sure.

Greg looks incredibly comfortable. I feel good. I wish I thought out my socks more, because that's really low people are looking at when you're on these fucking... No, no, I'm saying. I would have wanted something to thought. Oh, I'd like you have fun pattern. Now, do you worry at all... Now, you're slightly older than I am,

but do you worry about a boner with those pants? That's a good question. I hope for a boner. I don't worry about it. We could get that thing up, I'm sure. Come on, who's volunteering? Run your fingers through Fahim's hair. That'll get you going.

We keep talking about 9-11. You might pop wood. Hey, folks, Jewish stories brought to by Blue Chew. Have things been boring in the bedroom recently? well, spice it up with Blue Chew Gold. Blue Chewold is a 4-1 tablet with a new formula designed to boost your blood flow and arousal. Now waiting for, no more waiting for a pill to kick in,

no more performance anxiety, just the results you want when you want them. I got to say, Blue Chew has helped me out. You know, I like to put a few cold ones back, maybe have a nice tequila or whatever. And you don't want to take any chances with the ladies. I keep a blue chew on me. They taste good. They work every single time. And they work very well, sometimes too well.

That boner is throbbing. So get on it. See for yourself why Blue Chew is the number one brand in erectile dysfunction. The process is 100% online and super simple. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your options at bluechew.com. We've got a special deal for Tuesdays with Stories fans. It's all pipes.

We've got, right now when you buy two months of Bluechew gold, you get the third month free with promo code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. Visit Blu.com for more details and safety information. Thank you, Bluchu for sponsoring the pod. Hey, folks, Tuesday's stories brought you by Fabletics. We love Fabletics. I'm literally wearing Fabletics pants and a Fabletics shirt right now.

This is all I wish. is sheath and fabletics. No condoms. With the nice weather, when the nice weather hits, you need clothes that can keep up. Fabletics has great pieces at a great price. Sign up for the new VIP Fablix member and get 70 to 80% off everything.

After the membership is about 70 bucks. After that, the membership is about 70 bucks a month. Your monthly membership includes a credit you can use towards a full outfit or bundle up to 100 bones. skip any month you'd like fablidics reminders mean there are never any surprise charges i love this stuff like i said i'm wearing them right now i wear them on stage i wear them to the gym i wear them to the brothel to the playground all the places very nice very comfortable good stuff get premium fit feel and performance at a fraction of the price with fabletics shop now at fabletics

dot com slash tuesdays to get 70 to 80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP take the style quiz and be sure to select tuesdays when prompted to unlock this offer this is a limited time offer so don't wait again that's fabletics.com slash tuesdays for 70 to 80% off everything as a new VIP fabletics.com slash tuesdays get on it now you're known for your hog there fits See? It's good. You know this, Bill, right? No, I haven't heard it.

Tell me about your hog. It's a hog hurt around the world. It's good. It's good, but, you know, I don't want to talk about it. You just want to show us. Talk about it a little bit. Yeah. Is it still working after all?

You know, is it still, fucking saying. Well, not working. Is it what it used to be? It's, it is, my wife is very happy with it, and that's the only person that really matters. All right. That's very nice. Yeah. Somebody just went, aw.

I knew his dick was nice like him. Fahim, you got a nice penis? It's average. I don't know. What defines nice? But you got nice pubes, though. Slick back, just like that. Yeah, I blow dry him. What kind of product you use on your pubic hair?

Just wax. Yeah. I shave my pigs today. What are we seven minutes into this podcast? This is what the fuck I came down here for? I didn't know you're going to have 20 guests. I wouldn't have stay at home. I have kids.

He's like, oh, can you come down? That's a fuck. It's a big get. This is night of too many stars. Stars, take it easy. First of all. Night of too many middle acts. There you go.

I tried to say stars. They didn't accept it. First of all, we're 22 minutes. Sorry, let's get back to pubic hair. I'm sorry. I need to read the audience. We're 22 minutes in. We covered 9-11.

Quite a bit. Yeah. From a new angle, too. I shaved my pubic hair today, and I'd like to talk about it. Did you trim? I did the trim, yeah. Makes it look bigger? Nah, it's just too much hair.

Ah. Makes it look more presentable. I guess so. I did the naked show years ago, and I tried, I thought it would be fun to shave Mickey Mouse ears, like too big black... But it just looked like an elephant trunk with big elephant black ears.

and I had HPV so I had the tusks What kind of reaction is that? My test is if the hair gets longer than the tip of my penis that's when it gets trimmed. It's like a carnival if you're over the line. Right. Bill's furious.

No, I'm not, I'm just, you know. I guess guys just sit around talking about their dicks. I didn't know that. I got this is what you guys do. I kind of, I usually talk sports. Hey, we have the playoffs. Huh? Playoffs?

Knicks are in. There you go. With, with Philly. There you go. You got that right. You kicked the shit out of them in the first game. I don't know what to happen in the second one. Oh, shit.

They playing tonight? Tomorrow. Boy, now they're rolling in the aisles. Bill's had a rough week with Boston sports. Oh. Everybody. Yeah, my God. What am I going to do?

Oh shit, we lost in the playoffs. Fuck. Hockey and basketball. Yeah, hockey and basketball. Oh, Jesus. Now what am I going to do? I don't know. Watch a movie?

No, I don't do that. I don't yell at the TV anymore. I don't get into that. Do you bet on it? I got kids, so I don't want them to see that side of me. So, like, the Celtics won a championship a couple years ago. I've yet to watch one second of it. Because I just knew how I was going to be.

and I just, you know, I got little kids. They can't see that. But they can see you cheer it on. If they win, that's positive. Yeah, but the NBA is so fucking rigged. Is that right? Oh, is it? I didn't know that.

What? Is this, I didn't know that? Did the FBI investigating, the commissioner called them out on TV to fuck it all up? You didn't see that? No, the fuck is wrong. Sorry, back to the pubes.

Let's go back to the pews. I'm sorry. I thought, you know. I missed it. Back to the pubs. Great Michael J. Fox film. Thank you, sir It's my audience plant

Yeah, you slick those pubes, huh? No, just kidding. You got a night, Craig, where were you on 9-11? 2001. I was in bed with my... I got out of bed, my son was one, and we were watching cartoons, and then my friend Billy called,

and he goes, dude, they just fucking hit the tower with a plane, and so I turned it on. Wait, how the fuck did he know they did it? Why did he say they? They didn't say a plane hit the tower? He said they did it? They'd hit the second tower.

At that point, it's a thing. Oh, all right. I was just saying, I think you figured out who did it. Well, my friend's Jewish, so he knew. They them. Thank you. Good. We're in L.A.

Can't be too careful. Yeah. So your friend called. And my mom was scheduled to fly from JFK to L.A. on a flight at 850A. Seriously? Whoa. Where's this been all week? So I, well, we got to talk about my dick. Let's get first things first. And so I sat there and, of course, cell phones weren't working. Everybody's cell phone in New York was out near the airport.

And so I couldn't get in touch with her. And it turns out they told, they said, get off the plane. Nobody got their luggage. They said get on the first fucking bus that you can find to get out of the airport. She got on a public bus that took her out to Long Island.

She lives in Westchester, other direction. Yeah. And she went to her sister's house and waited it out, and then we never found her. She's still there. I'm sorry.

Sorry. 3,001. Hmm? A space odyssey? So many people died. Oh, oh, oh, I see. You gotta throw that in the beginning. Yeah.

3,000, what? That a new movie? All right. Skank Fest they would have gotten that joke. Oh shit. Start a war here. I thought that was a compliment, that they would have gotten it?

Yeah, the joke is they never would have gotten it. Oh. Oh, all right. Well, I think it was like less than 3,000 people, so. No, I think they hit three. No, no, it was like 2784. Oh. Finally, the truth comes out.

We got to the bottom of it. It was 2007. But yeah, what a bummer, huh? Crazy. And now our next guest, Pete Davidson. Bill Fahim, you got 9-11 stories? We're just, we're going right down the line here. You remember living in New York then?

Yeah, I was in New York. Where was your apartment? Upper East Side. Oh, you were nice and safe. Yeah, it was beautiful day. You wouldn't know that it was happening. And everybody was talking about, you could feel the ground shaking. No, you couldn't. You couldn't. Somebody rode the building down.

No, they didn't. Like fucking Wiley Coyote. No, they didn't. Remember that? That was one. One of the guys wrote it down. Oh, yeah. Wrote it. There was a... Kinds of shit.

I didn't hear that one. I remember that. No, there was all kinds of that. And then I remember there was people walking around with gas masks because they were sending shit to, like, politicians. And then people were worried about, like, some sort of... Anthrax. Yeah, anthrax.

That's what it was. So I remember seeing this guy, he was standing across from Dangerfields, which is now called Rodney's. That's right. About to be something else. What's his middle name? They're going to call Jacob Cohen's. You have to be real old to get that one.

I remember this guy who was standing. He had like this gas mask on it. I just struck me as funny. You got to have it on for it to work, right? I figure about time it hits you, you're going to say, you're going to die. If you got a gas mask at the house, you want to use it. You know, it was weird.

As I remember, like, after it happened, nobody knew what the fuck to do. And then there was like all of these. people like sitting outside eating breakfast on the other side as all of these people were dying and they were just going like oh my god they were still getting like eggs Benedict and shit oh god i'll have two seafood towers no and then everybody yeah and it was like everybody was sort of nice to each other for a few weeks and then i remember running for a bus that was going cross town to go to stand up new york and i missed it and i was cursing as a drugway and i saw

a woman laughing at me as it went by. It's like, all right, it's getting back to normal. Yeah. I remember right afterwards, you couldn't take taxis to the airport. No, no, no. To the World Trade Center. No, no, no, you couldn't. You couldn't approach a police horse.

You couldn't drive to the airport. Can you have some water? You had to take a taxi. You could only take a taxi to the airport. You couldn't drive. And I thought, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis. I got it out. You got it out?

I remember for a while you couldn't go south of 14th Street. They wouldn't let you go to that and then eventually they moved it further down. I still remember that smell too. All those computer wilds. This is a great topic, dude. It's fantastic. I don't know how I got on this. Where were you during Pearl Harbor? Where were you?

I was doing Dick Doris. Dick Dorsey had a room in Honolulu. You're still doing a show tonight. Fame, you remember something? Yeah, yeah. So, like, after 9-11, I would get checked a lot at the airport. Oh, yeah. Sure.

And then I would fly out with my family, and then they would give all of us checks. Like, we were a terrorist family. Oh. Like, here's a Jackson file. Like, we're going to blow ourselves up. Like, me and my brother, okay. But, like, my mom and my dad, like,

I want you to see me do it in action. Come on, Mom and Dad. You can't be too careful. I guess. It's so absurd. But you're kind of ambiguously ethnic. Yeah, I really fucked up by keeping my name when I got into entertainment. Like, I could have been Tony, but I'm like, no, Fahim Anwar, this will work.

No. Yeah, you look like you could be anything. Yeah. You could be like, you're 24 years too lazy. That means a lot of groups hate you. What? Because they could be like, oh, ambiguous? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. Fahim Romano. I get it. I get that a lot. I get that so much now. I was on TikTok. Someone called me Timu Ray Romano. Can you do Ray? It's so easy. He's go, grr. It's kind of a chubaka. Maybe let them down and say this is like our celebrity guest. I'm like, I'm famous of my chubaka.

It's like an old man choking in a restaurant. There we go. That's one of my good ones. Was that at any point party? stand-up back? I'm being serious. No, no. A rough night at a fucking saloon outside of town, you're bombing.

You don't pull that out? You fucking did. I guarantee it. You're in Worcester on a Thursday night. That's my get-out-of-jail card. Oh! Now he's got us.

Show your, do your elephant. Oh, one of the best elephants in the business. Hell of an elephant. Should I do the thing when you turn around? Thank you very much. Now, let me ask you this, and a lot of people know what's coming. Have you seen the program The Jetsons? It's been a minute, but yeah.

You remember the vehicle? Do you do Chewbacca driving and elephants? To Ray Romano's house. In the Jetsons car. Hey, rejecting them. You were not invited. And people hate the live episodes. I know.

No, that one's mine. Oh, great. I'm going to have this one. This is really special. So 9-11, the thing is... You can't forget. Never forget. Never forget.

And the Holocaust is... Never again. Is it never again? I believe so. I think it was never forget also. You forget. You forgot. Or don't forget.

No, it's never again because Rich Voss has it tattooed on his arm. And I think it was DePaula. It was like, where did you get it? that at fucking bananas? At the comedy club. He'll never book them again. He has never again tattooed on his arm, and Jim Norton said that was put on there

by a casting director. That's how the story went. And I was there. And the next days, the planes hit the towers. And we never laughed again. And that's what it was like doing comedy in September 2001. Some of me butchering the joke

and crediting DePaolo, Jim will be mad at me. That's a good line. From Norton. Yeah. Norton's a funny guy. Touch and go here. I tried to get him on the pod.

He's opening for Louis at the bowl. Tonight. And he said no to this for that? I know. That's what I said. What fuck. Fucking idiot. You ever do that bowl, Bill?

Huh? Do you ever do the big bowl out there? Have you been waiting for a bus? Maybe taking a show? Do you have good seats? It's cold out, huh? What are you supposed they built it there? You know, it's kind of nestled in?

Yeah, it's not really a bowl. It's more of a plate. Yes, yes, I have put it on that. Pretty cool room, huh? Yeah, no, it's, it's amazing. I've opened for a few people there. I did one show myself, and I'm doing one Thursday. Oh my God, what that?

It's the night of two minutes. It's like 50 people on it. It's not my show. Oh, okay. Louis's doing it by himself. Well, Jim, but he's doing it. Hell yeah. You weren't there when the Chappelle got attacked, were you?

No. Okay. That was crazy. Remember that? That was pretty crazy. I do remember that, yeah. That was wild. It was right after the Will Smith.

There was like a moment when everybody was getting hit. And then Alec Baldwin shot a lady. You ever have something like that? What's that? You ever have something like that? I had a guy charged the stage and he was a big fat guy

and he was doing this thing where he was heckling me. He was in the front row where no one else could hear it. You ever have that? So he's going, You fucking suck. the worst, kill yourself, you're a piece of shit. And I was like, all right, all right.

And everybody kept being like, why you keep yelling at that guy? We like, you know, he's not doing anything to you. And I'm like, no, he's yelling. You just can't hear it. And he kept me like, fuck you, you're piece of shit, you suck, oh, yeah. I love this guy. It's like every invalidating every evil thought I had, you know. And then eventually I went in on the guy, and then he flipped. And he started walking up the little stairs at the Hartford Funnybone.

And I just horse kicked. him out. And he tumbled down the stairs and they kicked him out. That's kind of a pro move to just be like, hey, you suck. Nobody, like really quiet. I know. He was good. It was like a terrorist. Hey, folks, two of the stories brought you by Ultra Pouches. Oh yeah. Love it. Looking for a better way to get to sleep.

Ultra Sleep Pouches are about to be your new favorite thing. Ultra sleep pouches help you fall asleep in 10 to 20 minutes. Sleep better. Wake up feeling great. Unlike other sleep aids, ultra sleep pouches use only six ingredients. Melatonin, passion flour, dose safe for nightly use. I've been popping these in my mouth. You feel cool.

You feel like you're popping in a little you know what. And it's great. And I just pop it in while I'm watching TV at the end of the night after a set. just leave it in the mouth, it tastes good. And then before you know it, you start getting a little dreary, little dozy. And you're like, hey, all right. Then I spit that puppy out and I go to bed. I love it.

Just like regular ultra-pouches, ultra-sleep pouches are nicotine-free, caffeine-free, and non-addictive. Ultra-sleep pouches deliver better, deeper sleep with properly dosed and natural ingredients. New customers can use code Tuesdays to get 15% off at 10%. Take Ultra.com. That's take ultra.com for 15% off with code Tuesdays after you purchase.

Tell that's where you heard about them. Support the show. Tell them Tuesdays with stories sent you, folks. I had a guy, I was at the Calhoun and Saugas. Oh, geez. And I... Chicken fingers.

Chicken fingers and fucking hurricane bowls. They said these hurricane balls. It was supposed to come with like four or five straws, and everybody would, share it. I remember those. But these fucking degenerates

would each get their own bowl with one straw. It was this fucking big. It was mostly Hawaiian punch. They acted like there was five kinds of booze in there just fucking watering it down. Water. Watering it down, dude.

That's why you gotta have a bud light. You can't trust him. That's why I didn't want to do a podcast. Have you ever heard what what the fuck we say to each other on the phone? I was like, I can't be near this guy. We just do Meathead Boston guy. I don't even touch.

I don't know the names of his kids. I've known him for 30 years. We've been talking about that. We never get around to it. I have no idea what's going on in your life and I've talked to him every fucking week. And all we do is just go, what's up, you fucking queer? That's all we do.

What you're taking in the shitter? That's all we do. For 30 years, that's all we've done. And then it ends with, what times the show? Seven-th dirty, all right. See it. down there, that's it. His twin could be dying of cancer.

My wife's like, how's Bill? I don't fucking know. I think you must be gay after that conversation. So this lady's in the front row, the Aku-A-A-Qu. And this was worse than being yelled at. She didn't mean for me to hear it, but I was bombing so bad and it was so quiet. I overheard her say to her husband, the poor bastard.

Oh. And that was like, oh. That's the worst, because you can't do anything That was pity. She met well. Yeah. Yeah, I had a guy, this guy featured for me, murdered. He said of the, you know, blew the doors up, place. He had music cues and all that. And I went up and I'm eating shit and two old ladies in the front row go,

This is bad. That's all I heard. I had to just plow through, sweating. Yeah. Never been heckled. One time. You guys must suck. It's embarrassing. Calhoun was one of the few comedy clubs that had a detailed cop. There was just a cop whose job it was to be at the restaurant.

That's how fucking horrible of a place it was. There was just a cop that lived there. It's probably stealing from the register. At one point, Calhoun was the number one most successful Chinese restaurant in America and top ten restaurant restaurant. I think it's gone now. Is it? Well, the comedy.

No, they keep saying they're going to close it, but then I don't know what happens. But then they don't. It keeps going, yeah. I went there. It was one of the first places I ever got booked to do a whole weekend, but the weekend they offered me was Thanksgiving because nobody else on. So I call my family, and my family's really close. So, like, holidays are a big deal. And I said, I can't come home for Thanksgiving.

I got my first paid gig. So my family fucking drives to Boston, gets a hotel room. Wow. Dad's got on a suit and tie, and they come down, and they sit in the room. So then the door guy, who is this guy that I was friends with, because I would do open mic nights there. So he's standing at the door, and the front row is empty, and the place is fucking packed. And I'm like, why is the front row empty? And so I start my set.

I'm hosting, and I'm about four minutes in, and the door opens, and seven people that have intellectual disabilities are led in by my friend, who held those seats up front for the door. them and they sat down and they laughed at every setup no punch lines fucked up the whole show and my family was like this is what you're going into uh you're saying they were tardy all right i'm sorry but wait i'm sorry they were literally yes oh wow yeah it was like a group home had come out for the night to see comedy on thanksgiving did they get it they didn't want to feed them at the shelter. So then they just brought them out. We're going into the darkness. Are they shelters? Dude, I did the basement of spaghetti freddies on Route 1 in Norwood,

like one town over. And the only people in the crowd with like my family and like five people I went to high school with, it was just fucking brutal. Spaghetti Frady. I felt bad for them because at that point I had the poised to be in a humiliating situation like that from all the other gigs. So they actually, they couldn't look at me. So that actually became funny that what I was doing was so pathetic that my own family was just sort of staring at the ground and not looking at me. And they were coming up like, yeah, sorry about that.

I'm like, hey, you know, it happens. I was trying to make them feel better. It's like, you know, sometimes people show up and sometimes they don't. You guys want to go upstairs and get some spaghetti? I got a discount. I have a question because every year when I was a kid and I'm wondering if you're misremembering or if there's two different places,

but I grew up going to Spaghetti Eddie's in Foxborough for my birthday. Was there a spaghetti eddies and spaghetti Freddy's? No, the Freddy Senior died and left it to Freddy and Eddie and they had a falling out. Holy shit. And Eddie got Foxborough

and Freddie got no... Are you making this up on the spot? Yes, of course I'm making this up. There was a spaghetti eddies. That's fucking nuts that the same road had a spaghetti. That's crazy. You ever do spaghetti tennies?

No. All right. Spaghetti Eddie could only do Ziti and the other guy had to do risotto. Do a lap. Jesus Christ. Baghetti, Freddy, that's wild.

Rup after that one. My God. We found our ad room. I just never got out of the gate. That's what happened. He slipped at the starting thing. But he... You know like when you run the hurdles

and you hit that first hurdle and you just know you're going to hit all of them throughout the joke. But he had heart. He finished the joke. He finished the fucking joke, and that's what a pro is. You guys can laugh all you want.

That's what they say about Greg. They're not good jokes, but he finishes him. I'm like the guy dressed as Gumby that comes in at five hours after the marathon started. All right, I'm fucking out of, Gary. I didn't get that.

I didn't get the Gumby. I finished. hit into a double play and then struck out looking. Man, we're going to have to take you out back and shoot you. I did the hurdles thing and I got in my head. My coach... You were a track guy. I was a big track guy and my coach...

You got... Balls hung low. That's what was a problem. No, I mean, I do have that too. My balls are six feet long and bright red. It's very strange. He's not kidding. I've tasted him.

My balls are redder than fucking the Japanese flag. It's crazy. They just look like a... It's like a turkey. Yeah. It's horrible. And then down the middle, it's brown. It's like, I think from chafing.

It's like a light brown stripe, and then just the brightest red fucking... Just take out a picture at this point. Jesus Christ. Pull it up. It's like if you tore your sack and they sewed it up. Yeah, it's bad. And then I got a thumbprint on my cock. It's a whole situation.

But the point is I did the hurdles, and I got so in my head. My foot just hit the hurdle, and I just stomped it down, like over and over again. I didn't even skim the hurdles or bump into them. I was just going through it like fucking, you know, like Walter Payton, just fucking slamming through. And my coach was like, all right, you can't do the hurdles anymore. You have too much anger in you. This isn't the event for you.

Well, and then I was trying to do high jump too because he's like, you're tall. But I was the only guy, usually when you jump, you knock over the, if you don't clear it. You just kind of hit it and knock it over and you go flying. I was jumping straight into it like I was at an, Nirvana con. I was just going in and landing on my back. So every time I did the high job, I'd go, oh!

And I had a big red fucking brood. And the coach was like, no one's doing it. He's like, you're literally jumping into the... But I got skinnish as I got close. I was like, fuck, ugh! And I just don't, like Kirk Cobain through the drum kit. You were like Christopher Reeves horse. Boy, they really...

Well, we're trying to get another tragedy in there. You caught Fitzsimmons. Oh, hey. Where were you? when Christopher Reeves fell. Do you remember where you were? Anyways, I kept jumping into the bar. I need to, I'm like retarded. I need to just run.

Like, you can run. If there's anything in the way, it's a problem. You're forced. Folks. Thank you, sir. If you went here, I'd kill myself. Sorry, I made fun of your bomb, man. Did you play sports?

That's all right, man. You fucking help me out with that one. Soccer, huh? No, no, you soccer. Yeah. What'd you play? This feels like a speed date. Um, I was a skateboarding.

You're pretty good. I've seen your video. Oh, I used to me, yeah. Oh, this really does feel like a date. Yeah, this is getting weird. Um, yeah, I couldn't do the organized. It was too much commitment. So, I'll tell you that.

We'll cut this in post. Yeah. Post means after. You know, like post game, post office. Post Malone. I've never experienced this. experienced this. And all your years...

One, two, three, four, five comedians. We all have nothing. It just started, and it started sputtering down, and we're all just like, anybody? Anybody got a parachute? Nobody. It's not a one. It flows, you see? It ups and flows. Yes, yes. It's like an ocean. This is a flow. Yeah. I just started thinking about my life in the middle of the battle.

Oh, don't do that. That's never good. It's going by so fast and all these moments. on high chairs, like, what do they all mean? Well, the chairs are tough. I don't know what to do. I'm doing a lot of this. It's like when you're in a movie.

Why don't cops when they interrogate people? This is the chair they should have. Just have them fucking sit there, you know? You're all up high. Yeah, you'll confess. You feel exposed because you're not supposed to have a table or anything. You're supposed to be directly at them.

Right. Like, I feel like confessing right now. Go ahead. Ask me a question. We're doing something. I'm trying to throw some fucking gas on this thing. All right. What comics do you hate? Go.

Oh, that's none of your fucking business. What comments do I? I don't hate, I'm too old to hate people. I don't have the energy. Oh, thank God. I think I just think that, you know, that's unfortunate. And then I just move on. Yeah. I get that. No, hating somebody is, yeah, it's just a fucking, it's a waste of time. It's a lot of work.

It's a lot of work. Burns, calories. What time I was at the back of the stand, the old stand, this is years ago. a famous comedian, I want to say who, but he was sitting next to me, and I don't think he knew me, but I had that feeling where you're sitting next to like a big comic, and you're like, oh shit, this guy, I wonder if he knows me, this is exciting.

And there was a comedian on stage, and you're me and I'm the famous comedian, he goes, don't you think she'd be a fucking prerequisite to be mildly amusing if you're going to be a fucking comedian? And it was so satisfying. And it was fun to be brought into the thing, and I was like, I know, it's crazy, but it was very fun.

But there was just a boiling level of anger, and it was a comedian that you don't think of as angry, but it was fun that he kept looking at me being like, are you, are you ready to, do you want to? And then we just shit on the guy. It was really fun. Yeah, but the scary thing is you got to go up and kill now. Because if he watches you, he's going to be like, ah, shit, this guy sucks too. Yeah, that's a good point.

Well, I did a, I did black people versus N words. I had leather on. It was really, I did my best. Nice, nice. That's a tried and true bit. So you did the old Michael Richards bit, eh? Yeah. The other day I came up with that, I thought this was, like, after that set, they go, hey, Mike, someone was filming.

Did he go, that's going to be trouble? And then did he leave in the Jetson's car? Still works. Just that phone call on the ride home. Hey, Michael, how was your set tonight? And it was all right. Pretty good enough. I don't know.

I had him in the beginning. It might be a little blowback on that one. We'll see. We'll see it. All the pens, they could have been changing. tape, I might have got lucky. It was right when cell phones got cameras, too. It was the flip phone

grainy camera, and they got him. He was the first guy. I like how you're acting like that was like a regular occurrence before cell phones. Back in the day, you could just get up there and scream the N-word and nothing happened. That was the golden air of comedy.

I don't know why, yeah, that was one of the more bizarre things that ever happened. Very bizarre. A week before that happened, I was sitting back there with Louis C.K. And his father came in. He's got kind of a strained relationship with his dad, so his dad had never seen him do stand-up comedy before.

It's pretty strained. Yeah. So I'm sitting with Louis Cain, if he's fucking 20 years into his career, he never saw him. Yeah, it's pretty strange. Yeah. Well, you said he had sort of a strained. Oh, you're saying cut out, sort of. That's what I'm saying.

I didn't... I'm saying the way you described it was funny. I know we're shitting on me. when I bomb on a joke, I didn't know we were editing in code. I didn't know we were doing punch-up on my jokes. Well, you're supposed to paint a picture. I'm halfway through the fucking story. Wait to the end.

Bill's like that paper clip on Word. What are your kids' names again? This is all we do. This is it right here. This is as deep as it gets. Do you live in New York or L.A.? Dude, when I first fucking met this guy, no, no, when I first came down in New York,

it was fucking like 9,000 degrees out. And I was fucking in his apartment. He goes, I go, dude, please tell me you got air conditioning. He goes, dude, you're going to be in your fucking BVDs in about 10 minutes. And I'm sitting there for 40 minutes, sweating my fucking ass off by five. I go, dude, you're going to turn on that AC?

You're like, I don't have AC. So what happened with Louis? So him and his dad are sitting over there. Now when you say over there. Sorry. Starbird. And so Michael Richards is on stage,

and the thing is that that N-word thing was not isolated. He had a couple up front that were Jewish, and he was calling that, I don't even want to say the words, but like... K-word? Yeah, the K-word, the H-word.

Like yelling at them, and the crowd was like, what the fuck. Heave? Yeah. Oh, okay. Just clarifying. And Louis' dad is like, what the fuck? The L-word.

He's calling him lesbians. No one could figure out why. And his father was just fucking horrified. He's like, this is what my son, after all these years, this is what you do, you go in front of this. And the week later, the N-word thing happened. Has he seen Louis set? It's not exactly squeaking clean. Well, that reminds me of my story.

I've told this before, but this was a moment where I realized it's very important to take care of your mental health in comedy. This is like 15 years ago. You guys know Chance Langton. Sure. Of course. Take a chance.

Give Chance a piece. Yep. That was one of his jokes. So he was an older Boston, he's probably in his 60s at this point. He was staying with us, with me and my three. I had two roommates, so there was like three of us, like we're all like 22 years old, alcoholic.

And Chance Lankton, who was probably 65 at the time, was staying on our couch, which was just a weird situation. In general, just very funny situation. I thought 9-11 was going to be the saddest thing I heard of here. We were like, sure. We were like, sure, you can stay with us, yeah. And we're like literally 22 years old, like just fucking guzzling booze. And he's like, what's that now? But anyways, so then we were all at Carolines.

We all met back up at Carolines. And Otto of Otto and George fame. Oh, wow. Yeah, he was hanging out. And this was right after Richard Jenny had died. And then Joey Gay was there. And Joey Gay made some joke about Richard Jenny. And it triggered Otto.

He was buddies with Jenny. So Otto just fucking snaps. And he's like, fuck you. You don't talk about my friend, Rich. And if I'd fuck you. If I'd fucking beat this. shit out of you right now, but I'm afraid if I did, I'd go to fucking prison and get raped in the ass by a bunch of fucking N-word. And he says, he screams the N-word. So we're at Caroline.

Was it the puppet or was it him? It was him. Okay, okay. So he's like, this motherfucker, and he's just screaming at the top of his lungs. And I'm like, this guy's crazy. And in the middle of this, Chance goes, do you know anywhere I could get up tomorrow? Like, he's just not even noticing. Right. And I just looked at these two old veterans and I'm like, I got to get a therapist or something because I don't want to end up screaming the N-word at the bar or not noticing that someone's screaming the N-word at the bar. Right. What did Joey Gaye do? What did Joey Gay do?

I think he was just kind of going, oh, I think he was just kind of taking it. Oh, damn. Yeah. Wow. I guess this isn't a funny story, but, uh... Anyone else said? Yeah. Anyways, everyone in the story is dead now.

Oh, yeah. Joey Gay still going. Joey Gay's still going. Joey Gay, yeah. Yeah, chances alive, too, actually. Wow. He's on my couch right now We'll cut all this

Were you ever poor I'm trying to get you to talk I know this isn't my format You were so nice I had the special coming out You're like come on out And then like these guys are so great This is not my format You're great too I'm alright

Watch my special on YouTube It's all the Truth of Thoughts I got my plug Come on you gotta earn it I know I know And you're especially just sit there You don't talk Yeah I guess I've never done a live podcast

before whenever oh really yeah it's my first we're taking the hymen oh my god I'm just such I'm so bad at this format but I'm just like observing it's like I want to take it award you guys you're great you're as good as one of them yeah you must have a crazy story we're gonna pull it out of you about what what any go-to dinner party tale what about me this is random okay here we go random man okay who we're like the equipment manager Like, he's got a story. A long time ago, I had this, a role in this sitcom or whatever,

like a really bad sitcom. We're actually out of time. It's the, yeah. No, sorry, all right, you're on a sitcom. Was it a sitcom or was it sort of a sitcom? It was a sitcom. It was Cherokee Allie's sitcom on TV land or something, you know? Oh.

And then there was, so you have to, like, rehearse before you shoot for the weekend, you know, or on Friday the shoot days. So there was this woman there. She's like, oh, my boyfriend. My boyfriend's going to come to the taping. I'm like, okay, her boyfriend. And then it comes a day of the taping,

and then her boyfriend is Al Pacino. Whoa. She's just saying her boyfriend. And then I thought that he was going to be, like, in the audience, just like watching. But he was back there and everything. But it's crazy it lets you know that even Al Pacino has to do boyfriend duty.

Afterwards, he's got to be like, that was great. Oh, he was so good. Oh, yeah. Wow, so the story didn't even happen to you. No, I was there. I was there. Yes.

I'm talking about like a DUI, a crazy sex story, a fist fight. Yeah, I got nothing. Oh, you met Al Pacino. Yeah. All right. What was the sitcom? I forgot what it was called. There was a Kirstie Alley sitcom on TV land.

Oh, quit prayer. Cheers. Yeah, RIP, you know. Oh, yeah, she died. Yeah. She was at 9-11. I feel like that's how all this story. stories have ended for the last 20 minutes.

And now that guy's dead. Yeah, that's true. Well, when does this air? I think the bartender's still alive. Giuliani could be gone. Oh, that's true. Oh, yeah. That's true.

Yeah. He's hoping. I think we should do, I think we should do a pool right now on what day he dies. And we each kick in 20 bucks. How bad of shape is he in? Bad. Pretty bad. Yeah.

Who? Giuliani. Oh. I'd take the over on that. Really? I'll take your action. Guys like him don't die. Yeah.

They don't. Well, Cheney died. Huh? Cheney's dead. I know, but how long did that take? He survived the gunshot to the head on a hunting trip, didn't he? Yeah. He shot somebody else.

No, he shot the guy. But he had like six heart attacks. He had a fake heart. They just fucking put a new engine in it like an old car. They just kept going. They rolled back the O'Doneman. I was like, this guy's never going to die. Yeah.

Mitch McConnell's still going, too. Who? Mitch McConnell. Yeah. He's old. Boy, he's stalled out a few times. He just froze. Sounds like it.

Mitch McConnell's doing 20 before you, and he wants you to keep it clean, if you don't mind. Sleep it on your couch. Hey, that's McConnell's bit. Mitch McConnell, let him know. He does clubs and colleges all over D.C. Mitch McConnell! I'm going to put you in Drake it with Mitch McConnell.

You gotta work clean. He couldn't follow Mitch McConnell. Mitch McConnell's got a great bit about Minino. It's fucking dead on kid. That was a mayor. Thank you. We went a little local there.