Tuesdays with Stories! - #658 Carrey the Zero

Episode Date: June 2, 2026

The boys are in California talking about the big Netflix Fest. Where does Joe want to move next? How does Mark sh*t? What are these boys up to at the fest? It's Tuesdays! Video and Audio by Matt Salacuse Our Stuff:   - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays    - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Support the show & get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 70-80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS -  Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

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Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me. We're back. Hey! We're going to be too loud.

This is already a problem. I can already feel it. We're in a hotel. Hotel Ziggy. Yes, we're going to get a complaint like the lawyer in Midtown. Oh, yeah. I mean, well, first of all, Salikin, we have no microphones, which is crazy. We got a lava.

We have lobs, which Salakian, we hired Salakus. Hired? What? Hired? Hired? Yeah, hired. That applies money. Yeah, we'll give you money.

Oh, okay. Yeah, what are we? What are we? It's not, it's me and him. It's pro boner. Yeah. We asked, we tasked Salacus with doing this.

There you got test. He literally goes, you got any microphones? This guy's, like, he's in the director's guild. He just owns a fucking piece of equipment. And then he doesn't have a tripod. We've got a borrowed tripod, no microphones. So have you learned how to do the lob? Because every shoe you go, you got a lob, bring your lob.

Have you learned? the love? Learn the love. Okay. Live, laugh, love. Lots of love. So, and then Salacus throws out the idea,

hey, there's a pool at the hotel. Oh, yeah. Sets us a Google image. I've stayed here 350 times. I know the hotel. Shit, pissing that pool.

He goes, how about you sit outside, you make fun of people as they walk by? So Salacus' big, bright idea for the Patreon is we stand in public in Los Angeles and just body shame people as they pass by. The fat women by the pool.

And also, we're, already too loud and uh oh yeah we're gonna get one of these it's coming yeah i'm a little nervous about it luckily it's only 11.17 a.m here by the way hello i said lots of love l-ol used to mean lots of love and it's just slowly morphed into laugh out loud give it a gooog yeah sorry you got chat ch pt over there yeah hey let's see what they have to say about this all right all right lots of love somebody did a bit about that that's my computer what you crazy watch out put that back under the pillow

god damn it a lot of DNA what was they gonna say oh yeah someone had a joke about that they thought who had that bit I think it was a woman they thought it was

lots of love and then somebody that's what it was they thought lots of they thought it meant lots of love and then someone was like hey mom died and they wrote back

LOL oh that's good pretty good that's good whose joke is that Carmen Lynch or sounds like a lynch

somebody like that well Gerald does Maybe it was Emma Wilman. Ah, she's good. She's funny. Very funny. Geraldo had that bit where it says, laugh out loud after, you know, he's a friend just writes,

L-O-L-L-L-O-L and he's like, could you imagine if that was real? Yeah. Everything you're like, so I got the pizza instead. Sounds like it's his L-O-L. You're L-O-L-O-Ling. So anyways, here we are in La-L-L-L-Land. Oh, yeah, we're going to set the table.

Can I say something? And I mean it. You guys are going to. Make fun. There's going to be a whole Reddit thread. People are going to throw cum in my face the way I like. Please. I have come ready.

I am moving to Los Angeles. I'm loving it out here. Shut your fat-ass mouth. You're not going anywhere. Every day here. You got that right. You got Tommy Johnigan is here. Andy Hendrickson, Henry Phillips.

My wife's ex-boyfriend, Henry Phillips, one of my closest friends. Thank you very much. Henry Phillips. You got who are the other people that were here? That's nice. Chris Walsh. One of my closest friends of all time. Luke Mone is my opener, one of my besties.

What do you got? You're incorrect. Damn it. Oh, that's rare. It was invented by a Canadian programmer. Ugh. And it was a chat system to indicate intense laughter during a joke. Ah.

Because you can't get a joke over text. All right. But lots of love has been around for a long time. People say lots of love. And if you shorten it, I'm sure somebody in the history of society said L.O.L.L. of love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that... What's Ex-O-X-O? That's hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses.

How? Yeah, where'd that cover? It's like a tick-tac-toe. Well, I think a kiss is like a circle. See? Oh. And a hug is like... Arms crossed. Arms crossed in the bag. I think, I think. That's like the general thing. I never thought of that. I don't know. This is just me farting out loud. But X is also booze. Three X is on a jug. Right. And then there's also X on the eyes, which is a cartoon dead kid. Yeah, Nirvana.

Oh yeah So any farts I'm coming to L.A. I mean it's all here It's spread hiking Ocean Weather Homeless traffic

fires But there's traffic everywhere The fires are tough Yeah I didn't think about that And gangs And earthquakes Gangs the Crips The Bloods MS12

Oh boy That good MSG We had it backwards guys Yeah X is the kiss Oh. Medieval tradition

where an ex symbolized a cross or faith and it's a signature often kissed with a seal on an oath. You would kiss the person when you would do the oath. Wow.

Well, that's ridiculous. Kissed by a rose on the grave. I hated that song. That's one of those songs that just made me sick to my stomach. Seal. And did you know

that what it snows my heart is become a ralph. And then he banged Heidi Klum after that. Which one was Kloom? She's tall? Tall hot Swedish. I don't like tall.

Get out of here with tall. I don't want big legs wrapped around me in the air. Tall's gay. Tall's tough, and I just, I'm 5'10, so if you're tall, I feel like a bitch. But you're already tall, so it's hard to top a lady to top you unless she's, you know, WNB anal. Well, here's what I like. That's good. Here's what I like.

Wow. That's a clown. It's got a fat moose in that second photo. Oh, my God. What? So here's the thing Chocolate boose. Wait, what was I going to say?

You just, you fucked me here. That's going to kill the focus. In more ways than one. Now where's she from? Get a, get a place of origin on that horror. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I was about to say something about tall. Oh, here's what I do like.

My wife, my wife, you know, she's not sure. She's like medium, whatever. Maybe five, four or something like that. Yeah, that's what my lady is. Which she puts on a heel and gets tall from the heels. That I like. Interesting. A regular.

I like fake tall. If she's on stilts, I'd eat her out from underneath. What's that? Germany? Okay, Hyley did. Matt's literally Hiling to tell his Germany. It worked. You'd be a hell of a charades player.

Yeah. It shaves his mustache real quick. Yeah. Yeah, I get that. You know, high heels were invented for men originally. Is that right? Which makes sense because men want to be tall. I see.

And women like a tall man. But guys are just, we're so not indibendable. being uncomfortable or we're like, ah, fuck it, we'll get a top hat. Well, everyone, all the guys were in heel. I mean, the Beatles had beetle boots. They always had healed boots. Cowboy boots have a heel. True.

Can you mute your around a thing so the fucking text bell's not going off the whole time? Jesus Christ. That goes off during every Zoom, by the way. I just hear ding! I fucking hate it. And I don't know how to turn it off. I don't know how to turn a woman off, I'll tell you that. I'll show my cock or face or smile.

What was it again? Tall heels. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the wrestling heels. I like wrestling. You watch the Hogan Dog. I liked it. I really liked it.

I didn't know he was Italian. Oh, yeah, Terry Bolleer. Also, his brother was in a biker gang. How cool is that? Yeah, and then just fucking Odeed, I think. Odeed. At the last minute, he gave him a couple bucks and Odeed. Killed his brother.

Yeah, that's tough. That's got to hurt. But I like that old. He's just an old school. His dad was a construction worker. He's broke from Florida. brothers in a biker game with some real white trash Americana. Absolutely.

Six-nine. I don't think they mentioned this in the thing, but they wanted to name him Hogan because Vince McMahon wanted to be an Irish hero. They did mention that. Hogan. Yeah, he just threw Hogan out, but you get the double H. Uh-huh. Triple H.

Oh, there's double H, triple H. That's pretty good. I got bumped for Triple H on Kill Tony. Remember that? We were like, it's going to be Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, Drew Carey. Oh, yeah, yeah. Carrie Grant. Carry the Zero.

Triple H. So let's talk about it. We're at the Netflix Festival. And it is wild out of it. Everybody I know is here. You got that right, Patty. And I'm exclusively hang out with New York people, which is hilarious. That's how it goes.

And we could hang out in New York, but we don't. So then we hang out here, which is strange. No, but we did see John again last night. Chris Wall, Shimonis, Ronan, Bill Burr, Fitzs, Fitzsimmons. Fahim. Fahim. I didn't hear a word from him, but. No.

No, he's not a talker. He's out of talker. He's just came. But, um, yes, we did the live pod, which maybe you guys have seen. Maybe it's out. Maybe it's not out. I have no idea the order of things. Yeah, it was up and downs, syndrome, left and right,

quefy and quaffy, but we pulled it out. Strikes and gutters. I thought it was fucking awesome. I forgot to hit the start of it. Uh, I thought it was awesome and it was innocence and mayhem at once. Yeah, and I think the awkwardness adds to it. You know, there's a tension in the air. And the audience is on the edge of their dick.

I don't know, but the fans are going to hate it. They always hate everything. But you get some burr action. Bill Burr, one of the great comedians of all time, said yes to our bullshit. Bill Burr. Hey. Bill Burr. Half Timber, half Wilbur.

I like it. Then there's Aaron Burr. And Aaron Berg. And Berg, yeah. Aaron Burr, he shot Hamilton. Yeah. So missed it, which we only know from the commercial. commercial?

Commercial. Remember that commercial? The guy had food in his mouth. Aaron Brew. Oh, the peanut butter. Got milk. Yeah. That was a great ad.

But what was I about to say? Shit of my tits. Fuck, my brain is mush. Yeah, you're right. High heels, 1600s aristocrats. Thank you. Wow. So we went to Top Hat, which is a lot easier.

So wait, wait, wait, get Heidi Klum at the Met Gala, just for my own... Well, we're going to plug this in right here. But take a look at this brood, what she wore. These Met Gala people, they look like... They look like super villains from space. Take a look at my girlfriend. She's the only one I want. Well, she's in white face.

She looks like my Kleenex under my bed. She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire when he sticks his face. And then goes, hello. Tootloo. Wait, what the fuck was I going to say? I'm all distracted here. Netflix. Bill Byrd.

He's just clipping up things. Live pod. Only hanging out with New Yorkers. Oh, you got the old spice. That's good stuff. No, it was after that. Oh boy. This is a mess. I can't focus, Charity.

The live pod. The ball's just sitting there and I can't hit it. We're hanging out with New York people, but you got a LA guy here. It was all after that. It's all pipes. It's all... We're talking about this. This never helps. Anytime I can't think of something, everyone's like roller coasters, blueberries, my sister's ass, I'm never like,

that's it. I just go, come on, stop. All right, we'll give you a minute. Everybody cool it. Cool out. Look at this picture of Mike Tyson. Are you kidding? Holy shit. Come on. We're trying to focus.

Looks like Donatello. That's terrible. By the way, Salakius wanted us to face each other, as though that's how podcast I've ever worked ever. He's like, you guys can't see each other. By the way, I can turn my neck. I mean, that's crazy. Like we're promoting a fight. But you're not connecting.

See how disjointed this pod is? I've never connected once. It's always like that. What are you kid? I haven't made eye contacts since 88. I've got trashed online because I'm trying to sell a vinyl, which we'd love to have You keep saying. They've been saying this for two years. I've never seen the vinyl. Oh, I didn't know if you were interested. I keep saying yes. This is like Spokane. It's every 10 minutes. Yeah, by the way, Spokane next week.

Every time I see you, you're like, will you sign some vials? We'll give you four grand. I'm like, great. Sounds awesome. You'll make more than that. Oh, perfect. Maybe not. But, uh, oh, they, you know, I'm signing these vials and they shoot you and they go, hey, uh, you know, they can film you. They go, hey, shoot you for laughing. This would be a good promo for the vinals. And I'm looking that way, and they go, even the camera he can't look at. He can't even look down the barrel of the camera. Oh. So that's every comment. That's how you go viral now.

You have an off thing instead of the real thing that you want to happen. Ah, I see. You goof. We did a promo for me going to England, and we put the Australian flag in the back on accident. Every comment was like, idiot. It's the wrong flag. God hates flags. You're a flag.

And it blew it up. You didn't know the difference in the Australian flag and the English flag? No, we did it intentionally wrong. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, you would play, yeah. I didn't, well, I didn't put the flag on,

but I bought it. The editor did. I see. Well, he's a genius. Yeah. Oh, that's smart. But sometimes you do stuff like this and people are like, you're a fucking moron.

You're like, I'm doing a bit for Christ's sakes. Well, that's a whole other bag of juries. That's a bag of sharts. But, um... How about Ron on last night? The juie's got on the plant. He's like, Kanye. I don't get it.

He's not good. I'm like, people like Kanye. He's like, he's great. Can't even play one instrument. I'm like, just say he's anti-Semitic, and that's why you're bad. Well, I don't, I mean, I'm not overly familiar with Kanye what he does, but someone was, he was claiming, Ronan was claiming he doesn't write lyrics, but he must.

Yeah, he has lyrics. Yeah, he must write. He has a great fucking writer. Yeah. Oh, is he? Yes, unbelievable. And a better producer than a writer, too. Wow.

But it is, it is kind of a bummer that musicians, famous music can't play an instrument. That does bother me. That's like if a comedian can't write a joke. Like, what are we doing here? Well, but singing is an instrument. Yeah, yes. If you're writing songs and singing them, that's something. That's true, but can, is he even a singer?

Like, can he hit an A note and a B note? I think he's just rapping. Well, I think there's different strokes for different folks. I mean, don't get me wrong. I like, you know, I like fucking, you know, Jimmy Hendrix more than I like Kanye. Same. They're still skilled. Hey, we throw me one of those waters there, Sally Boy.

He plays an instrument. Um, Oh, I've never seen you miss anything in my life. Acting. Hey, good to have you back. Well,

anyways, yeah, he doesn't play an instrument, but he's still, uh, singing. Maybe he can play something. I don't know. Did you watch Shangri-Lao,

the Rick Rubin, Schengrelow doc? Nah, I can't get into it. Put some shoes on. You guys hate Rick Rubin. He's fucking amazing. Amazing. He can't play an instrument either.

He can't play an instrument. He was in a band. We had this debate before. You and I had this debate on my podcast. What is he piano? No, he played guitar. A band called Hose. Hose.

Hose O-O-S-C. Brose before Hose. He's a big punk guy. Hosebeast. Remember that? Oh, yeah. She's a real hose beast. What does that mean?

Psycho Hosebeast. I think it meant like she sucks dick. She's a beast for the dick. That's pretty good. The Hose Beast is good. I like that. 90s had a great ones. Hurl.

I'm going to hurl. Oh, yeah. These are all just Ways World, I feel. That's all Wayne's World. Shwing. But yes, Rick Rubin plays guitar. This is a big debate that and I had. And Ryan Hamilton, who's great.

We got to see Ryan Hamilton last night. It's always like... New York. Yeah, all he does is get musicians to do their best stuff. That was me. Isn't that what a producer does? That's what a producer is. Yeah, that's true.

Have you read his book? No. You should listen to his book. He does the audio. It'll change your whole life. Matt Ruby said the same thing. He said the book is unbelievable. It's incredible.

I'm listening to it for the third time. Third time. Yeah, it's just a nice thing to have on. And it really makes you quees. and think can you send me that link you don't know how to get a book that I can't figure it out I tried once what do you go on Amazon audible I got to sign up for a thing you just get audible and then you go give me the thing that way you can consume books can I just do it on the you not the YouTube Apple I don't know

they have that they have books on Apple I assume they would have a book on Apple maybe book on tape I don't know I don't know how it works I just have audible they got all the books on there you put the book on and you put it all last night and I slept in it. All right. But it's a very interesting stuff, good stuff. People say that book and the Agassi. People say in the Agassi book is the best sports book of all time.

I read that book. I liked it, but I didn't, I didn't like, I mean, different kinds of books. Sure. I didn't read the Agassi book open. I wasn't like, this is going to change my approach to comedy. Yeah, yeah. The Rubin does. Okay.

All right. Well, I get real into that Arty shit, so Artie Fuqua. Artie Lang. So if it's something like that, yeah. I'm down. The problem with the lab is I can't fart in the mic the way I like. You can fart in mine. That's not bad.

Okay, maybe I'll do a handstand. By the way, right before we started recording, you can buy it on tape on Apple Music. You can buy it on tape. They send you a cassette. One time, because I don't know the audio about it. You got to do a monthly. And that's what I hate.

I hate the monthly. No, you have to do monthly. I don't pay monthly. I just buy a book. Oh, okay. You can do monthly or you can just buy books. That's what I do. I'll buy books.

What's it? What's it? $15? 99. That's pretty good. That's not bad for a book. Fuck me. I lost my thought. Oh, right before this, Mark just took the biggest, stinky, as wild as shit.

Door open. Vodka. Didn't hear the water run afterwards, by the way, I might add. Just to open door shit. Nobody's washing their hands. Who are we kidding? Open door shit. No hand wash.

And I can smell it from here. Sure is that dog could smell it. I didn't want to miss the conversation. And, uh, yeah. Wild. I got FOMO. I got a, I got a shit my stuff. stuff, but I'm holding it in.

Oh, Mo. Do you guys leave. Now, Salu says he could never shit on top of someone else's shit. Like, even it flushed. Right after. I can't shit after another man. But you do it every day. What about a woman?

I probably couldn't. So Stacey goes in the bathroom and just fucking lays a egg, just a real baby leg shit. Hasn't really ever happened. And then she flushes and you've got to go next. What do you do? I would go to the lobby where there's a bathroom and shit down to the air. That's what H. Foley does.

I was on RU Garbage. He goes to his building lobby to shit. What? That's wacky. I want a home shit. You want a Hollywood Bowl? I want a home field advantage. I just want to be in my house, dick out, you know, reading, whatever I want to do, Rick Rubin.

Although it is fun to shit other places like the lobby. You can go ham with the toilet paper. You can wrap that thing around your hand 500 times and really kill a tree. But I'm in a hotel. I can do similar. Hotel too. Yeah. I flushed like eight times.

I use so much toilet paper. Me too. I got a real boxing glove and what's your wiping technique there, Mark? Wrap it around and I go up. I'm on upper. Brian, from ball's side? No, no.

Ball's first. Yeah, I do the same thing. I lean and... Some people do this shit, which those people should be put in the gulag. A poo log. Well, certainly women can't do that because it gets in their cunt.

That's true. What are you, a doctor? Cunt disease. They go one of that poo cunt. It's crazy. It's crazy that poo is poison. It came out of you, and then if it hits you again, you get hurt. Well, that's because it's the waste.

It's the waste. Yeah, waste management. It's crazy. You eat food and turn it into energy. Whatever you don't use for energy, you shit out, and it smells, and it's funny. What a machine we have here. Oh, it's a great machine. Rest of peace, Bert.

It doesn't smell bad. Huh? We just think it smells bad because it's poison. So we're trying to make it. Oh, interesting. No, no, you're close. It does smell. We're not that close.

Science makes it smell bad. It smells like eggs. I eat eggs. You ate eggs for breakfast. No, it doesn't smell like eggs. Shit and eggs don't smell the same. Yeah, yeah. Shit smells like shit.

Rotten eggs. Later, weird eggs that have been wiped in shit. What are you talking about? But here's the clinker. Your shit smells like eggs? The crazy part is it's waste, it's poison. It smells like eggs. It's shit.

But you put it in the dirt. You get a plant. It's great for the dirt. You don't put the shit in the dirt. You put it right on the dirt. It's fertilizer. You gotta have a plant first, though. It's not like the poo grows a poo tree.

No, that's true. Pootry dish. It's good for the tuna. It's good for the soil. I see. You throw a cat shit in a garden? Man, it's like putting steroids on a guy. Rat shit, cat shit, duri, old cut.

69 assholes tied in the nut. Oh, yeah. Hooray, lizard shit. Cunt. Fuck. I think it's fuck. Yeah, I think it's fucked. Yeah.

He was having a lot of fun. He sure was. Got no fight with Ron on over. Who's better, Carlin, or Hicks. He's a Hicks guy. He loves Hicks. I would say, Carlin, pound for pound, he can't beat that. He had every discipline, every pun, every social commentary, dirty, clean, observational, whereas Hicks was just like the angry guy.

Well, but Hicks had some silly. He had silly and political. But I do think there's the problem that happens, I think, when you have such a huge category, or not category, catalog, catalog. Yes, yes. There's so much bad. I had a catalog in the toilet. There's so much bad in there.

So I think a lot of Carlin, you can open up or go to a Carlin and he's like, you know, get all in the plane. Fuck you. You're like, what? Or whatever. How do you know when a moth farts? It goes straight for a second. I think some people watch that.

And Ronan's a little bit younger. He maybe didn't see it when he was that age. Sure. Because Carlin, I saw when I was eight and nine, I was like, oh, my God, this is crazy. And then you see it when you're 30, you might be like, huh? Right, right. But Hicks, you know, like. He's great, and you watch that Dangerfield special or whatever he did, that 10 minutes.

It was just, it's just so, what's the word, where you're like, it's a black pill. It's just so like, fuck the world, the world's over. He's going to die in front of the TV as a fat, disgusting piece of shit, and I'm going to laugh because I'm going to be on TV. And it's just so, it was dark. Yeah, Carlin's got some dark. Stanope's got some of that, too. That's true. But I love Higgins.

I go back and listen to Hicks still. It's great. There's a lot of great stuff in there. And then a lot of people doing Hicks later. It's also crazy with Hicks. Now, by the way, on this podcast, I'll be like, oh yeah, Trump is, I don't care for him. And people are like, you motherfucker, you're alienating the audience.

You piece of shit. Bill Hicks is like, I hope George Bush gets shot in the face. That's true. Fuck him. They should hang him, string him up. And the crowd is like, woo-hoo-hoo. It's in Texas. This is the first Bush.

It's like crazy. Back then, you could just be like, fuck that guy. I don't care for that guy. And nobody was like, I'm alienated. I'm sure somebody was. I'm sure someone was. But for the most part, I mean, by the way, I mean, this is like a side topic. This will cause a problem too.

Why does everyone just assume, like, if you make fun of a president, you're like, they're always like, you're alienating your audience. You're like, well, why are they alienated? I've never been, I've never heard one artist I like shit on somebody. like, and be like, I'm never talking to them again. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Aren't you just weak? Well, there's something with the Trump stuff where people get real snowflakey. About that. Everybody's a snowflake, everybody's offended, everybody's a quiff. But then you make fun of Trump, they're like, not on my watch, you piece of shit.

And I'm like, well, now you're doing it. It's crazy. I just, I've never, like, there's many artists that are like too far left for me politically, too far right for me politically. I still love them. I know. Like, John Hughes is like a conservative. I'm never like this. I'll never watch Ferris Bueller again. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I don't understand that concept. Yeah. And, you know, there's plenty of, certainly plenty of artists that I love that are way farther left than I could ever imagine me. Stephen King is super left, but I like stand by me. Yeah, yeah. I've never been like, well, you, I can't. I guess the problem is, so strange to me. If, who did you say?

Oh, John Hughes. John Hughes has nothing about politics in the movies. I suppose so. So you can say, oh, he's great, but then he started talking about being, shitting on the left, so now I hate him. Right. So I guess that's the key. No, but there's other people like that. In their art, they do it.

I'll try to think of an example. But I've just never been like, well, I'm never listening to them again. Yeah. I'm alienated. The weirdest is the- Why are you alienated? Yeah. Athletes are the weirdest one where they're like, he's this, he's super that way. And you're like, he's dunking.

Right. Who cares about it? the opinions. Right. He's shooting a ball or he's swinging a bat. That's what Charles Barkley say. I never asked to be anyone's role model. I like that.

Because I'm playing basketball. What do you want me to do? Here, here. But I'll think of an example of some art that I was like, ugh. I've never thought to myself, I won't watch their movie again because they said this about somebody. That's crazy. I guess if it ruins the art, if the art only becomes about that, now we've got a problem. Yeah, I suppose.

I didn't think of someone that did that. You know, it's what I never got was when. Jordan said, hey, Republicans buy sneakers too. Everybody's like, can't you believe that? I'm like, well, they do. I don't know, they're human beings who wear shoes. Why can't you sell them shoes? Because they're Republican?

It makes sense. Well, people buy milk and cars. People were upset about Jordan too because he could have changed Nike's practices by being like, hey, I'm not doing another commercial. And I think that's an argument. That's an argument. He could be like, hey, pay these Asian boys, some fare of ricees or I won't do another billboard.

Yeah, he's a, he's just, And he's Michael Jordan. He's got his own stuff going on. Yeah, he's making money and making baskets. Well, that's the, you can't make anyone be what you want them to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, Magic Johnson should cure AIDS in Africa. And you're like, he's got movie theater.

Yeah, he's got AIDS. He's doing some other thing. You see my point about the alienation thing. Completely, yeah, completely. If you like the artist, you like the artist. It's so strange to me to be like, he made a joke about Obama. I mean, like, Nick Napollo. He's made a million jokes about it.

about whoever. I'm never like this. What? He's still funny. I'm out of here. I don't get it. But I think you're rare. I think that's an open-minded take.

But I think it was like that for most of time. It's only more recently. Yeah, yeah. And I think the last 10 years. Shit, I had something. I lost it. That's also the same time we've been hearing everyone's opinion all the time. True, true.

So this may have been happening. You just don't hear about it all the fucking time. Yeah. And politics is. wiggle its way in every goddamn topic, art form, movie, whatever. But I think people think things are political when they're really not. They're not necessarily political. Yeah, well, that's another problem.

They make it political. I mean, it's now saying retard is political. Exactly. Oh, you're right wing, you said retard. You're like, wait, what? I had this when I posted, when the Team USA won gold. I was posting about it and people were like, you fuck, your president's a piece of shit. I'm like, that's a hockey game.

I don't care about the president. Yeah, they won. even an American flag now, which used to just be the norm that was like the default, is now like a statement. Yeah. Everything's a statement.

Stop trying to figure me out. Just enjoy the shit. I'm not ticking. Stop saying I'm ticking. What makes you tick? I'm not ticking. Jay Leno. Comedians and Cars.

I'm not ticking. I'm not ticking. That's funny. David, I had a thing right on this fucking wheel, Jizz House, and I lost it. Radhouse.

Okay. politics, George Bush, Bill Hicks. Your friend Mark is on No Sleep. Can you tell us what you did last night? Oh, sure. So... What are you directing? That's what he does.

Oh, I'm sorry. I think I'm on the other pod pad. I am drunk. I might be. So, yeah, the reason why he can't come up with things on top of his head because he had a fucking rager last night. Yeah, well, it's the first night of the festival. They just throw you right in. So we had the pod and we're hanging out with... No, no, no, no, stretching.

I'm stretching. Oh, I got the mic in there. Tweet. I thought you were crowning. No. So, uh, we had the pod, and, uh, I was getting a little antsy in that, that green room. It was too loud. Very loud.

I was losing my voice, trying to talk to whatever. And I started putting down some vodka sodas, which John again was putting them back, which was fun. Oh, he can drink. Yeah. So, boy, he looks great, by the way. Yeah, he's all slimmed up and fit. Good beard going, glasses. So, uh, started, started hitting the sauce.

Then you go to the store, and then right when you hit the store, there's a, there's a, there's an energy. You know, you could feel it. I get this guy in. He was getting blacklisted. Nobody wanted to touch him. A lady chewed him out for bringing a camera in. I'm not so thrilled he's here. So, uh, we go to the store and then I go, you got to go on. You do the OR and everybody's hanging out. And then you look in the other room, the main room, and it's Jim Jeff Jeffries is on stage, killing. Then you walk to the belly room. They're doing roast battle with Jeff Ross and Hitchcliffe and DeRosa. And you're like, oh my God. DeRosa's here? He's here. Wow. Then you go in the kitchen. I'm talking with Simon Rex. Ari, Adam Eaget, you know, we're all hanging out.

Oh, wow. Oh, everywhere you turn, there's people, and you're high-fiving, you're hugging. And then there's the back bar, Ceros. Oh, yeah. The back bar, free drinks, flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. There's Gomez and Bert and Theo and me. Oh, son, these he's he posted. Who's that?

I don't even know what it is. Brooks Wheelan's back. There's McCann and some other guy. Wow. That's him? Yeah. Oh, shout out to Ron Taylor. Yes.

Good for him. Ron Taylor. Oh. There's Adrian Iepalooch. I mean, it was just a who's who. There's old Timmy D. Dan Sodor. Wow.

So this is night one for me. So it's free drinks. Everybody you know is there, except you. And it's full houses and pack crowds and all these people that you like and don't like. And so then you're like, okay, it's 3 a.m. It's 7 a.m. in New York or 6 a.m. in New York. It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely.

And now here's the thing, though. I got my hotel is next to the store. So every 10 minutes ago, I should get out of here. I'm right here, though. There's no travel time. So you start validating? Yeah, validating. Yeah.

Justifying. Quantifying? Justifying. Justifying. Validate works, too, I think. Okay. We start, okay, it's a four-minute walk. Well, what's the main?

Hang over 10 more. And then Shane's jet lands. He opens the door. 18 guys walk out. It's Tommy Pope. It's Chris O'Connor. It's Shane Gillis. It's the other guy. James McCann. And you're like, oh, I guess I've got to have a drink with Shane. And then he gets you to headlock and then the photos.

And then before you know it, you're like, all right, I don't even know if I can make it to the hotel. Oh, boy. I'm that drunk. And then I get to the hotel, you pass out and do a pod. Yeah. Well, we have. First of the breakfast. Nice breakfast. Great breakfast.

Well, first of all, it's funny because we had a big hang at the improv, and I thought that was a great night. We had Hamilton, Johnigan, Walsh, Burr, Fitzsimmons, Faheem, Umi, no Salacuse, that was beautiful. That's a plus. We had Jason Katz and Ryan. And so that was fun, and it was like 11 o'clock or something. So I'm like, oh, it's 2 a.m. my time. I woke up at 4 a.m. I took the early flight out. So I'm like, that's a wrap.

I wake up. I look at my phone. It's Bert and Tony. Everyone's in there. I didn't know everyone was over there. Well, I think the store is just the go. It's the default. I don't know where to go.

Go to the store. And then one guy goes, there's an after party next door. And everybody laughed at him because we're at the party. Right. You want to leave this to go to this bullshit? At the party after party. Joanne Grigioni was there. So Anne Harris?

Yes. Wow. I was on a flight with her recently. Ah, she's a good egg. Yeah, they're both great eggs. Isn't it a crazy? These are the two women who used to book Comedy Central back in the 40s. Yeah. And I was so scared of them because they can make or break your life 20 years ago.

So you're like, oh my God, this Joanne. Be on your bedroom. She's still at Netflix, right? She's still at Netflix, but now we've both been on the platform. She's like a peer now. Right. Peer pressure. Pierce Morgan. So I'm just like, hey, Joanne, what's shaking?

And I'm making fun of her outfit, whatever. But it's kind of, and I'm older. I'm in my 40s. So am I going to be scared of this adult? Yeah. Well, there's plenty of adults. We're scared of this. That's true.

One of them was on our pod last night. But, yeah, it was fun, but I don't know how you do it. I was wiped out. I couldn't keep my eyes open back there. It's like that prior thing. It got good to me. I can't cut it off. Like, once the hang is going and the hotel's next door, I'm good.

I watched a lovely documentary about a female chess player. Ah, they have those? That went until about 12, 35 a.m. And I took a nice nap. woke up, FaceTime the boy, went to the gym, meditated, took a steve, saw Gullman,

and Ron White, and it was nice and early for breakfast. There you go. Feel like a million bucks. I'm hurting. I got two more pods a day and a headlining set. That's brutal.

And it's a 10 p.m. show. I know. That's nuts. You know that Queen's Gambit was made up. You know that show on Netflix? I think I remember. It was a big hit about a female chess player and all these women are like,

hey, all right, finally some representation. The whole thing was made up. It was fictional. But there is a family of female tennis players, which they talk about in that book Atomic chess. They're talking about in that book Atomic Habits. This dad, you know what this guy? He's a Hungarian dad.

And they were very poor, you know, Cold War, fucking communism. And he decided, he realized that all, he started studying geniuses. Everyone that's like really, Edison and whoever the fuck, I don't know, Amadeus, and all of them put all day and night into one thing. That's why they were genius. They weren't any different. They just put all their efforts.

So he decided, I'm going to make my children chess geniuses. Wow. So when they turned five, he had three daughters. These are my daughters. When they turned five, he just started playing the chess. He homeschooled them. They were playing chess like 12 hours a day. Jesus.

And each was better than the last. And the youngest one, Judith. you came like the best chess player in the world. Yeah, queen of chess, it's called. There you go. And so I had heard a little bit about it from that book, Tom McCabins. But basically he was like, if you take any person and start them playing chess from the age of five all day, every day and night, they'll be a genius. And then people were like, this guy's abusing his children.

This is crazy. And they were like, this is crazy. This is crazy. But the children were like, we love it. We had fun. They went all over the world. And she beat Gary Kasparov. Wow.

And they have all this footage of guys being like, women have small brains. They're no good at chess. Bobby Fisher's like, they're terrible. These women are idiots. So it's interesting, interesting watch. Yeah, well, would you say he's abusive? What's the debate there? Because there's got to be times where a little kid was like,

I'm dying, Dad, nine hours of chat. I want to go outside, you fucking homo? Yeah, it's a little weird, but I think it was also, you know, Cold War whatever shit. So, iron curtain stuff. So I don't know. And they got them out and they made them money, I guess. But it's a little strange.

I wouldn't do that. But then you got Joe Jackson, you got Tiger Woods' dad. Maybe there's something to these abusive fathers who make their kids grind. Worked out great for both those guys. They're doing great. Tiger Woods is a hell of a driver.

And Jackson, apparently his movie's good. Yeah, I don't know if it's his movie. It's about him. He's pretty dead. It's his nephew. Well, Salakus has got Charlie taking photos all day every day.

He's like, focus. Yeah. He's like, you don't fat daddy. Well, they always say let the kid find himself, you've got to let the kid be. But I don't know, maybe not. Maybe you've got to just force their head into a chess board and hit them. Yeah, that's what happened in this situation, but it's a hell of a picture. Did you watch the untold about chess? Oh yeah, I was watching that one too. That is fascinating. It's this kid who blew up on

online chess and then he starts getting up the ranks and he's a real asshole, he's a piece of shit, he's cocky, everybody hates him, he's eccentric, he's got wacky hair, and he works his way up and he's starting to beat everybody. So they're like, oh, maybe this guy is good. Then it comes out that he cheated. He plays Magnuson. Yes. What's that guy?

He's kind of cromagnom-y? Crow- Magnuson. And he plays him, and he beats him. And he's like, wait, what? It's like, it's like, it's like, Salke's beating Michael Jordan. You're like, how'd this happen? Right.

Magnus Carlson. Thank you. Magnuson. Condum. And he's like, this guy must have been cheating. Because how can he beat me? He must cheat it. So they go back and they find out he was.

cheating on the online stuff. So then they're like, oh, so he is a cheater, but he goes, I was, but I didn't cheat on this. So then they play again. I don't want to give it away. Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is a lot of the movie. Did you hear how he accused him of cheating? Yeah, they search you for... Anal stuff. Yeah, they search you for devices before you go on. He had a metal egg up his ass. Wow, like Jack Nicholson. Oh, shut up! That's another story.

Oh, you didn't tell me that. Trust tree. Oh, okay. Trust tree. So, yeah, he had a metal ball of his ass that would vibrate to tell him what to play. Like, Queen QQ, R, R, R. It has that voice in his ass? You think it would be like, whee-o-woo.

Wow. Up his ass, like Christopher Walken. Yes, yes, the watch. Wow, that's something else. I would never put anything in my ass for any reason. If somebody asked me to smuggle heroin into a country, you know, hold my hairbrush, whatever it is, I'm not putting anything in my ass for any reason.

A heel? Maybe a heel. Maybe a heel. That's a bit, though. A heel comes out. A heel has, it's got a hook on it, so it won't go all the way in. Yeah, the design for men, which is kind of hot. That's true.

But a heroin, that could get lost up there. That balloon? Yeah. Forget about it. Well, some people, they swallow it and then shit it out, which is also insane. That I'd rather do. Oh, swallowing a balloon? I'd rather swallow cum.

What's up of those guys who eat fish? Remember that was a big frat thing? Yeah, Jonah Hill. I got an uncle that did it once, too. Animal House, yeah. That was a big trope in the 70s. Well, I eat fish, but I cook it and chop it up. That's fish sticks. You know why fish are so thin. They eat fish. Who's that again? Jerry. Ah!

Yeah. And the lady goes, ha ha ha ha ha ha. She doesn't have the lap. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. We are really scraping the bottom of my ass all here. We're rolling there. Oh, we're rolling. We're rolling. Hey, Tuesday's stories brought you by Fabletics. The weather is great and you got things to do. Stay comfy and look amazing with Fabletics.

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Get Sheet Underwear, support the show, support your ball. What else happened last night? Let's see. Did the pod. I'm doing Story Wars at midnight tonight. I'm not getting home till crack of jizz. That's crazy.

I don't know how you live your life like this. I don't either. I'm a burning the candle. But here's what I figure. Midnight. I get on that flight. I'm flying Friday morning 8 a.m. to Toronto, which is a bitch.

Wait, I'll be at the airport too. I have an 8-20. No, I have a 6-something. I'm United. No, mine. I'm Delta. Okay. So you're going to Toronto.

I'm going to Toronto. So I figure, all right, that's a 6-hour flight. That's when I'll crash. That's what I'll catch up and regroup. Wow. I used to open for Bert, and we did a European tour. I remember that. He would go out all night.

We drank all night. He's an animal. This is back in his heyday. I was younger. I was probably like 33, so I was a fucking psycho too. That's empty. So then he would go out all night, then we'd have like a 9 a.m. flight, and he was in hell.

He was in shambles, and he goes, I'm going to borrow time for tomorrow. I'm going to borrow time from tomorrow. He would always whisper that to himself. I'm borrowing time for tomorrow. And I'm like, well, eventually, you're going to borrow enough time. You're going to die. Yeah, and blood clubs.

That's where he's at now. Yeah. Quit drinking. That's good. Glad to hear that. But yeah, I mean, midnight show. I couldn't do it physically. I'd just be like, I'll be in bed watching Queens Gambit or whatever the fuck it's called.

Ceefe Gambit. And it's a panel show. You're on that fucker for three hours. It's not like you can do your set and hide in the green room and eat tacos. That's brutal. I'm trying to think of an excuse to get out of your 10 p.m. show today. I mean, you know, no pressure. That'll be fun.

It'll be fine. We'll hang. We get the whole back area. That's pretty good. That's very good. Who else is on? Carolla asked me. And I might have Adam Ray do a set. Salacus is going to be there. Yikes. What, no good? You don't like the Ray?

Ray gun? Ray's great. Everybody's doing eight minutes. Salekius doing six? What do you think you'd do if you did a set? You think you'd get some laughs? He must have accumulated enough content over the years. Yeah, but I think you need a certain type of personality to get up there and I don't have that personality What are you talking about? You're talking right. I'm just talking about like in front of people

I think you're right I think you're right and I like that you don't have that it's a good yin and yang for us Interesting you don't want to be the guy who was dying to get on Yeah, that would ruin the whole relationship You don't want producers all up in the video all up in the video You only got no love for the West Coast? Let me know We're at breakfast I quoted Biggie as I do and and this lady goes, I know you're from the East Coast.

I'm like, Biggie made it past Boston. Doesn't make sense. It's like hilarious. It's like an international superstar. I want to hold you. Are you British? You must be from London. Yeah.

Or whatever the fuck, Liverpool. Yeah, yeah. Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. What are you from Liverpool? Okay. London. Damn. What was the other thing I was going to say about Salacuse,

comedy, comedians? Oh. Now how about this guy? While we're talking about Salacus, this son of an onion, pulls this move. I'm on the flight. I got Wi-Fi. Hey, what time you get in? I don't know, 12.05. I'm picking you up at 1235. What a guy. I go, oh, wow. Okay, so part of you is like, all right, now how long do I have to put in with this guy after he picks me up? And that is the hard part. Is it the rest of the day? Is he staying with me? You never know. That's the hard part. How long do I have?

What's the shot clock? Now I got to stick around and wait. I can't just go and go to my place. Ah, that's hard too. So I go, well, you don't have to do that. Try to get out of it. Ah, you don't have to do that. It's very nice. You're a good man. Great mustache. Thanks anyway.

No way. I'm picking you up. You need me in your life. This is a good friend. No. Did you hung out the whole day, I assume? Well, let me get right through there. Let me just run right through this story. Let me get right to it.

I'm thrilled. I've been on the plane for seven hours. I've been with my kid every minute for six weeks. It's my first time away from him. Now I've got to wait. Now I've got to sit on the sidewalk and wait for my buddy. This is like complaining about blowjob. This is insane. Wait until I get to the part. Okay. So I go, all right, I'll take it. This is nice. This is a very nice friend. Good man. He's going to come pick me up. We'll have some laughs. This will be good. I'm not in my own head. $137, by the way. That's how much the Uber Black was. Uber black From the airport $137

That's insane That's crazy right Well this one This is more expensive So I tell Salakius I go hey pick me up The old trick Pick me up at

Departures Nobody's here So he scoops me up Picks me right up There's a cop right behind us And you know They yell at you for that shit Yeah keep it moving

So I throw the suitcase in the back I jump in Salakus Salakus Sallike says honk And he takes out He goes Fuck you Cappas It's great

Right away It's a beautiful day, we got the windows down, music cranking, we're singing along. I'm going, what was I thinking? This is the best. This is awesome. What a guy. Now I go, hey, let's go to get In-N-Out burger. We'll go get lunch. We went to Norm's Diner, classic Hollywood Diner. Oh, yeah. Beautiful lunch. Norm. He goes full Elwood Blues orders white toast with butter. Nothing else. No coffee, not a soda, just white toast. That was epic. Then, the whole

breakfast, all day, yesterday, all day to day. Hey, uh, how about you buy me a meal? How about a little gas money? I go, gas is seven dollars. He goes, so since you brought it up, you know, I picked you up. Then he goes, yeah, yeah, boy, how about that ride? You want to get me breakfast or what? No breakfast? Wow, you're ban you. I picked you. He, I didn't ask for a ride. He volunteers the ride. He's holding it over my head. You're there. He made like four references. Hey, I picked you up. I drove out of my way. I sat in traffic. Ban you. I bought him. two meals now. Because the first one was only toast.

You like the guy at the grocery store who helps you put your bags in and he was like, give me a dollar. You're like, I didn't ask for you, you helped me. So I'm like, now I just owe him, I gotta keep blowing them. Thank you so much. Namaste, I appreciate you. Toast is not a meal. You ordered the toast.

I bought two meals. I bought you, whatever. Stock up, buddy boy. Get the sword fish. Pancakes and whatever the fuck. Anyways, I appreciate the ride, but I didn't know I was going to have to, you know, What's that word? Oh, thank you.

Crobble, gubble? Grovel. Gravel. I didn't have to grovel. You're like the mafia. Once you're in, you're in. You owe your life. It's brutal.

I'll drive you somewhere next time. Plus, I'm letting you shoot this for free. That's very nice. This is good on your resume. But I will say that gas money, the gas price out here are higher than Hunter Biden. It's like a hundred bucks to fill up your car. Wow.

Yeah. Well, we started a nice war, but I don't want to alienate. Don't. Let me not alienate by mentioning these very high gas prices for no real reason. Illegal alienate. But anyway, sorry for everyone that's been alienated. What's that? The people on the right are paying $100 for their tanks too.

It's insane. Republicans buy gas too. Of course. Yes. Gas chamber. Just saying, but hey, it's a nice gesture to go out there because it is an hour away. Thank you. But I get...

But it's a volunteer. That's true. Volunteered. That's true. I'm coming to get you. If you volunteered, you can't hold it on it. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. Thank you. Yeah. He was here until 6 p.m. some shit. You can't break away.

I used to have an opener. I don't want to say his name. But he'd go, hey, I'm bored out of my mind. I see what times your flight get in? And I usually lie about the flight because, you know, I want my alone time. And they go, I go, oh, flight, I landed at 1130. He'll go, I'll be there. I'll pick you up.

And I go, okay. But I'd like to just go to the hotel and then get in the room and take a nap or take a shower. So I feel bad that you just like my driver. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So he goes, no, no big deal. And then it was a Tesla.

So he picks you up and he goes, ooh, I got to charge. And I go, how long is that going to take? I know who this is. And he goes, it's a 20 minute charge, no problem. So you're like, all right, I'll add 20 minutes to the ride. But then the charging station is 30 minutes away. So now we're in an hour. We're at 50 minutes.

Then you get to the charging station. There's a line. So the line's 12 minutes. So then you go, gah! So I stopped working with him. This is the only thing I love about soundke is we're driving. I'm like, hey, you just take it right up here. He's like, whoa, what do you got?

Google Maps over there? I'm like, it's Los Angeles. I've been here. I've been six months of my life here. We've been coming here since the 80s. He's like, holy shit, that was crazy. Now how to get to your hotel? Yeah.

Anyways, you're good man. I appreciate the ride. I hope you enjoyed your two breakfasts. And whatever you bought today. Pancakes, coffee, fucking sausages, eggs that smell like shit. I guess. Apparently. Sausages, orange juice, whatever else you have.

I'll buy you. What's have breakfast tomorrow? You're a good friend. Let's get breakfast tomorrow. No, I got breakfast with Tommy and Hamilton, but you guys could come. Ah, seems like a lot of work. Yeah, those are good guys. Those are good guys. Hamilton's the man. This is my only night to sleep now, because Thursday I've got to get up at four to get to Boston to open for shame. Why so early?

It's like 620 flight. What? I got to get there. You lose three hours. You lose three hours. I got to get there. But he's not, I guess you're not going with him. No, he's flying tomorrow.

He has a show tomorrow. He's doing three shows in the Boston Garden. Over three nights. Yeah. Wow. And I'm missing one to do the improv. So who's going to do you the first night? I think Bobby, and then Sam Jay and I are on the same flight.

So maybe he has other people, maybe he has Philly people. Probably, yeah. Maybe it's just him and Bobby. I don't know. Wow. The Garden and Beantown. How about that? That's exciting.

You ever done it? No. Burt asked me to do it years ago. It was when we were shooting the dock. Matt Salicus and I, my dear friend. And then comics come home, never asked me until the last minute last year. Yeah, that's a little off-putting. Well, maybe I'll do it this year.

We'll see. Hey, take note. Comics Come Home, CCH. So never done it. I've seen a million and a half shows there and 300,000 games there. So it's exciting. Celtics? Celtics, Bruins, Pearl Jam, Brandy Carlyle, Harrow Smith.

I've seen it all over there at that garden. Oh, yeah. What do you think that's, 20K? I think for a concert, for, what do you call it? In the round, probably close to 20. Wow. 60,000 tickets. Unbelievable.

60,000 tickets. Three shows. Oh, wow, that's crazy. Unbelievable. Wow, wee. Yeah, they say shows here and not raking it in. Everybody's undersold here. Well, you got in L.A.

The festival's in L.A. And everyone's competing against each other. I know. And the venues are huge. Literally competing against myself. I have my headlining show at the improv. At the same night, I'm with Samaril, Jordan Jensen, Rachel Feinstein in the theater. Wow.

Who wants to see me at the improv when you can go see all four of us? Ah, yeah, yeah. And that's also the same night as, you know, Bill Burr and Louis C.K. John Mullaney. Yeah, so a little tricky, but... Yikes. It's fun. I mean, I ended up selling mine out.

Oh, great. Yeah. Then what about the theater? The theater, I think, was like half. Oh, no. Really? With that lineup? Everyone's up against everybody.

I think the tickets are pricey, too. Maybe we shouldn't be saying too much of this. Yeah, I got to say, I felt kind of like a dork because I'm like, I'm doing the store, headlining a club. But now I'm so glad I'm headlining a club. Imagine just sweating over tickets and some fucking, what's that place called? The Pantages? Well, Hamilton, this is where I'm so stupid.

I'm a bad business guy. Hamilton last night was like, no, I told him I'll just do a show. Because he loves Netflix. He's on Netflix. He's like, I'd love to be part of the festival, but it'll mess up my tour. Because if it wasn't the festival and I was the only one in town, I'd sell a thousand tickets. Sure. But because you, me, Kramer, the Butler, Lewis, Jay, Bert, Tony. Yeah.

Tim Dilley. Everybody is here. You know, I'm doing the improv. Yeah, it feels like the move is. Next year I would do this or whatever, two years. I'm going to set up. up a show at the improv or the store and then try to open for Shane, open for Seinfeld, open for Malaney, open for Sebastian, just hang out.

Right. Let them sell the tickets. You get to do the cool venue and then you do your dumb little club show. Yeah. Seinfeld's here too, right? Yeah. I'm going to hit him up tonight for the Knicks game. Next game.

Tonight playoffs. Are you going to watch it together? I'm going to ask. Oh, I see, I see. I see. Yeah, he's, I feel weird because we're all going to a ball. on Sunset to watch the game, but I'm like, can he go to a bar? Can he sit at a bar and watch a game?

I don't know if he can. I think so. That's his whole thing that Michael Richards comedian cars. Michael Richard's like, we can't go in here. We're celebrities. And he's like, oh, Michael, free yourself. He's like, I'm here. You deal with it, which I love.

One of my favorite things he's ever said. I don't get it. Well, he's just like, Michael Richards is like, we can't just walk around a mall and go to a restaurant. We're huge. And Jerry's like, oh, stop it. He's like, just free yourself. And he says, you got you guys. deal with it. I'm here, you deal with it.

Very zen. Free yourself. I mean, the hard thing is, though, you are getting stopped all the time, so I don't quite understand it. But I think he's also one of these guys that's fine with being like this. No. Yeah, he can do that. So, I don't know. Yeah. He's very free. He's a free man. You ever see that video of him? He likes to ride his, like, uh, Lance Armstrong bike with the whole speed suit on, like the tight shit,

the crazy helmet, the pointy. Uh-huh. And he rides down Manhattan, and he pulls off and he's He's locking the bike up going to an diner, and some guy, some guy says something, kind of zingy to him. Like, hey, Jerry, a nice bike, quiff. And he goes, ah, that was it, huh? That was all you had. You see me? This is your big chance.

And that was it. And the guy completely crumbles. It's such a way better than if he was like, fuck you, homo. Right. To zing you back is one thing, but to go, ooh, that was it. You had your one chance with me, Big Star, and you blew it. And the guy was like, gah. And you blew it, buddy.

Yeah. Boy, do I have to piss. All right, I think we're almost at an hour here. Whoa. That can't be right. Oh, well, we got more time. That flew by. Yeah.

Is that right? I think we started at, I think it's 50 minutes, five zero. Yeah. Boy, it's a lot easier without Chuck. Just getting chew-choo. Boy, am I a fat asshole? That was some breakfast. Two more pods.

Yeah, that's tough. Just got a eye on the prize. Get through it. Like a slave. So what's the prize? You said that earlier. Finishing. Oh.

Finishing is the prize. I got my prize in 10 minutes. I know. I'm jealous. I got to do an audition, though. That's worse. I'd rather do 12 podcasts than an audition. Self tape now.

At least you don't have to go in. You walk in, the lobby. Everybody looks like you. I prefer that, though. I don't like that. You got a park. The self-tape, you just have no direction, no confidence, you do it, you just send it, you feel like they're not even watching it.

At least without in-person audition, you're auditioning. There they are. That's true. That's true. A tape, you're like, is anyone looking at this? Probably not. Plus, you're like, fuck, shit, God. The option of perfection fucks with you.

Ah. You know, when you audition in person, you're like, okay, here is the audition. Yes. And then they go, take it again, try it like this. You get a little direction. you try it again, they go, okay, see you later. At home, you're like, let me do that again. I can try that again. I can do better.

Right. The freedom actually hurts you in that situation. Yeah, that's a good point. And they say when you go walk into an audition, a lot of times they know right when you walk in. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the guy. Look at that face.

Look at that body. Look at that voice. Well, I got to be on the other side of it when we made Fourth of July because people were submitting and it's like the Nick DePaolo character, it's like this bully uncle. and they said the tape

the guy's like an old man he's like I'm like I would just kick this guy in the chest so we didn't even watch the tape you turn it on you're like no right it's all look yeah yeah they say it's 90% look at the end of the day and height and weight and everything that's look yeah

but Patrice always said dress like the character if you're going to do a cop role get a cop outfit from the fucking Halloween store Patrice O'Neil he said that always dressed like the character wow so if you're going for a janitor role wear a jump suit, khaki with all keys on the side. No kidding. It just gives you a little more bump

of like, oh, he is that guy. Interesting. Yeah, they allow you to see you that way. Make sure. I think a dickhead, though, if you're walking around with a dentist in the city. Yeah, you're a cowboy. Some shit. You're fucking Ghostbuster. Now, Matt, will you nap? Because you're an old man. I know you

hit the wall sometimes. I love a nap. What do you got the rest of the day? I've got a pot after this with him. Oh, hey, all right. Glad you're going to be there. Oh, right, right. Where is it? I have no idea where we're going.

I'll find out. Okay. And then I have a Bill Simmons podcast. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wow. You're shooting stills?

Yeah. Wow. Aren't you glad you're not hung over and I'm on two hours of sleep? Yeah, that's why I don't drink. Yeah. Wow. I can't think of the future. I'm too in the moment.

If you always say live in the moment, but then I'm, then you do heroin and coke. You know what I mean? It's not great advice. Live in the moment. I'm like, okay, well, then I'll drink and drive. But you can make decisions in the moment. If you're in the moment, you can be like, in this moment, I'm realizing that this will be a problem tomorrow.

But isn't that the future? It'll be a problem tomorrow. But you're presently, I think living outside of the moment is if you're like, okay, I got this thing tomorrow, I got that thing tomorrow, I got this thing tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. I think if you just have a passing thought of if I drink too much, and then also, if you're drunk, you're certainly not in the moment.

You're all wacky-cackey. I mean, we were at breakfast, and he was like, remember that story about the crazy hairbrush? And you were like, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, yeah, I don't know how that went. And it was one of the craziest stories I've ever heard in my life. Really? Well, the delivery was horrible. I couldn't believe how bad the delivery was.

Tough to live. By the way, that ride from the airport was one of the highlights. I just wish I didn't have to deal with. Oh, buy me breakfast, buy me this. I picked you up. Oh, man. I've done some favors. You don't even know they happen.

You never hear them again. like you do this what's that like you let me do this you got that straight not to mention the other two projects mm-hmm it's a bit

yours is no bit I was just gooping I don't care did your ear get itchy sometimes and you talk too much yeah I just had that all right

this show's bottom all right who were you to judge this is a great show what the all do the day hasn't even started you know we're editing the Skangfest doc

in the we might be drunk studios. That's fun. It's all connected, Jerry. It's a community. That Matt Peters is a class act. He's something else. I mean, I owe my life to that guy. I think he was at the live pod. Yeah, you're a plus one. I didn't even see him. Oh, he's plus one. But I didn't even see him there. Did you see him? I didn't see anybody. Oh, you weren't even there. Oh, you weren't there because it just feel, you're like a tick. It just feels like you're there. You're sucking the blood right out of us. You don't hear about ticks anymore. I hear about Tick not on.

Well, I go to Maine every summer. That's all you hear about is Ticks. We've got to do the Tick check. My mother's lifting my balls up. Tick-Tock. Yeah. Well, yeah. Give a dog a bone.

Was that the one where you got Lyme disease? Who got Lyme disease? You know, the Tick. They give you Lyme disease. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't have Lyme disease. No, no. I'm a lemon man.

But my wife got a tick bite right on the ankle. That's a perfect sphere. It's like Vegas, a concert. Rings. Perfect sphere. And she said she felt dumb for a, for, for about 30 years. But no, she was like, oh, I feel weird.

She went to the hospital and they're like, oh, you got Lyme disease. Wow, did it go away? Yeah, she kicked it. Well, okay, because I remember Andy Hendrickson had it. It's a motherfucker from here. It's all mentally. It's like syphilis. It goes to the brain.

Your rods and cones get all screwed up. Yeah, Al Capone. You know, Lyme disease is named after her. Limey? Lime, Connecticut. Whoa. No kidding. Pull it up.

And there is just coincidentally a chemical laboratory that test dangerous, poisonous chemicals for warfare right there in lime. Wow. Why is it Lyme's plural? I don't think it is plural. I don't know. It's Lyme disease.

Oh, it's Lyme disease. Oh, I thought it was Lyme's disease. No, it's Lyme, Connecticut. No, sure. I never heard of you in Lyme, Connecticut. The theory is that it escaped the lab and got into ticks. Like Wuhan. Yeah.

That's a horror movie. Got in the ticks. Wow. Remember the tick cartoon? Oh yeah, the big blue guy. Yeah, the tick. That was a weird time. Puddy?

It's putty. That guy must have so much money. Family guy? Family guy. Seinfeld, American Dad, and then Ted. Ted. Ted 2. The Tick.

And he was on a sitcom called The Fabulous Lives of Homos or something with David Spade, where he was like there was men, like divorced men. Men behaving badly? Something like that, yeah. Patrick Warburton. Yeah. I think he does like stand-up now or appearances of some kind. There's a guy on TV, he was doing the Kentucky Derby.

His name was, he's like the president of the Kentucky Derby. His name is Bob Toothaker. Isn't that fun? We have old names like that where you're like, oh, that was just clearly a job. You were probably a dentist in the 1400s or they just call you Toothaker. I think that's Armstrong. Those are people with strong arms. And Taylor, Bob Taylor.

He was a Taylor. He was the Taylor. Yeah. And Smith is Blacksmith. There you go. Wow. Look at that. O'Brien, over the Bryans.

It's a spin-off, like Frazier. Uh-huh. Baby Newarkerth. Frazier, that was like a therapist. Was he a therapist? What was he? He's a radio guy. Was he a radio therapist?

Oh. Right. What a weird spinoff. The weirdest spinoff of all time. Put this in your pipe and jizz on it. The mom on Family Matters was the elevator operator on perfect strangers. And she got a spinoff, and then

just Erkel took off, so they just went that direction. Right, I think I remember reading that. Elevator operator. Who in the back room of Hollywood went? This lady. She's an elevator operator, but I see more. They were like, we need some blacks. I guess. It was the only one they knew. I guess. Well, they had good times

and Jefferson's and... I guess so. The other guy? Your producer has to put money in the meter. Oh, that's why you wanted to end at 50. meter maid all right lovely Rita meter made

so where are you gonna be guys where am I gonna be do we get an hour yeah I think so I don't like to think so I'm gonna be I'm gonna be Spokane everybody come see me in Spokane

he's doing a residency in Spokane I don't know oh wait I got my book I never had my book look at this all right where am I gonna be what do you say when you see things

Calgary just added Calgary, Governors June 12th and 13th. Of course, Portland Empire Comedy Club, July 2nd and 3rd. Tacoma Comedy Club, July 23rd to the 25th. And August, Portland Helium, August 13th to the 15th, St. Louis, Funnibone, 20th through the 22nd. And Royal Oak in September, Mothership, September 4th and 5th, Rochester, New York. Toronto, coming to Toronto, September 24th. I've always asked about that. It's a 2nd 24th.

Check it out. Comedy bar? I have no idea. All right. Were you going to be, Marcus? Spokane, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California, Tempe Improv. I love that room. Mark Ridley's in Detroit area.

Cleveland, Ohio, and Hilarities. Emerald City Comedy Club in Seattle, Tampa, Florida, and Cobbs and San Franskiski, and Houston, Improv. Get some Bodega Cat. Get on the Patreon. We got Bill Burr. got a Paheen and Fitzdog and it was a live sold-out show. It's going to be a banger.

Plus, we did all the behind-the-scenes stuff. It's crazy. We did. We've done so much. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Could you do it as Hogan? You know how we cut those promos real quick?

Oh, yeah. You know, my idea, WWFAA, where I do all the AA stuff. I'm like, you got to take it one day in a time, brother. Oh, yeah. You know, anyways, yeah. So, we're coming down there. I got to shit. He's got to leave.

I'm distracted because it's out of his time. He says to leave. I got to go to bed. We love you. We'll see you in hell. All you with the sound of my voice, go to YouTube and watch Mark Norman's dot called Pushing the Holder. We're going to hit 400K tomorrow, I think. Let's get to five.

Praise all right. Sleep it up. See it out.