Tuesdays with Stories! - #660 Travel Hacks

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

Mark double books the show in Canada! Where in the world was Joe List? All over the UK! How often does he get taken advantage of financially? More than you'd expect! It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com   - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/tuesdays - Save 20% on your first online order at http://lucy.co/TUESDAYS with promo code TUESDAYS. - Support the show & sign up for your $1/month trial of Shopify. Head to https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is fitting at May. In the room, Lunch Stuff Studio 7. Here we are. It's warm out. It's summer. We're doing it. It's perfect. I rode the bike.

I rode the bike on over here. What happened? We knocked over one of our 11 mics. We can't have the audio be bad. Not again, Salacus. Boy, Salacus and Burr, back-to-back home runs. Oh, man. Nobody upset about either of them.

Might as well go back to vinegar. Well, at least Salakus kept his mouth shut back there. He didn't pipe in too much. He's a talker. He's a talker. But we're back. This is it. I mean, I have been overseas for 17 days.

Wow. It flew by. And I'm still on Irish time, so I'm a little fucked up over here. What's it? About six out? Five. Ah. Of the clock.

There you go. Oh, clock. Irish. I got five on. Oh, yeah. Oh, Clark is Irish. Yeah, and O'Henry. And O'Brien.

Yeah, a lot of O's. Oh, can you see? By the turns, early light. That's one of those I pretend to know. I should really pick that up. That's all. Well, it's because they're not a sports guy. Only people that are into sports know the national anthem.

That's true. They used to do it in school, but that got zip-zipped with the Muslims. We did the Pledge of Allegiance every morning, which always seems silly to me. I probably said this before. The Pledge of Allegiance, not the National Anthem. Sure, that would take a while. But the Pledge of Allegiance, I always thought you should do it once a year.

So it's like an event. Right. Hey, it's August 1st. We're going to go down to the schoolyard, and we're going to pledge our allegiance to the flag. Yes. This is every morning I got to pledge my allegiance to the flag. It's a lot of pledging.

Very culty. Sure. I pledge allegiance to the flag. It felt very like, you know, Pink Floyd. Yes. The wall. Good song. Boy, they have great lyrics.

Yeah, they're a great band. I was just listening to them the other day. A walk-on part in a war or a lead roll. Yeah. On the stage. In a cage. Basically, you can, with your options, hey, you can go to war, you can go to prison. Yeah.

Boy, that's good. For a lead roll in a walk-on pot in the war. For a lead role in the cage. Yeah, they traded it. That sounds like Dillany. Good stuff. Yeah, they're good. They're good.

Sorry, digressed. You sure did. Or live grist. But, yeah, we're back. This is it. This is the pod. Beautiful day. Road the bike here.

Oh, yeah. It's spectacular out there. But this city is a nightmare. I mean, I'm packing up. I'm moving out. Listen to this. Come on. Yesterday, whatever day, Monday, two days ago.

Yeah. Fly back from sunny Ireland. Wow. Dublin to New York City with the toddler, with the wife, seven-hour fly. It's like six hour and 40 minutes, but then you've got to wait on the ground, this thing, that thing, the other thing.

Give me some advice, because this kid on a plane, I need help. I don't know. I mean, our kid's very good on the plane. He flies so much, God, damn. But he loves it. He's out the window. You got blueie on the thing.

They got blueie on Delta. That's big. And he just loves it. He's very, he's like every flight we've ever done, someone's like, this is the most unbelievable kid. I can't believe it. This is crazy. No running up the aisles, hitting people with a wiffle ball bat?

No, I don't think so. We don't usually check our wiffle ball bats. Do you drug him, chloroform, pills? No, no, we just, I don't know, talk to him, hang out with him, yeah, spend time. Interesting. Buckle him in, you get him in there. Yours is under two, so he sits on your lap or whatever. Well, we're going to L.A. that's a six hour, five and a half, and I'm nervous.

No, it'll be great. All right. But, so the flight is great. I mean, he, uh-oh, my, like, oh, you got onto the strap there. Oh, boy. Um, the flight's great. It just whips on by.

Yeah. And then you land. We landed at 252 p.m. Prime Meridian, Paul McCartney. I text my parents. I go, we're officially stateside. Woo, that's great. 252.

Walk into my apartment at 551. Oh, a three hour, two. I mean, six-hour flight, three hours from touchdown to my door. This city is a nightmare. What the hell happened? You're J.F. A. Kno. You got the rental car? I mean, what are you doing here? Well, first they do this, which you should know, know this.

Here he, here he. When you land and they go, hey, great news. We're 75 minutes early. You're fucked. Oh, you're sitting on that fucking cement. Because your gate is just right. And it's, I'd rather be in the air. for nine hours. Agreed.

Because you get the dopamine, serotonin, seratolamash, suck my penis. You land, you go, we did it. All right. You hug, you kiss, your high-five, you touch tits. And then you just sit on the fucking tarmac for an hour. Right.

So that's 30 minutes. And they don't give you service on the tarmac. Once on the tarmac, that lady's done. No, and if you get up to shit or jerk off, they go, very passive aggressively, this is still an active runway, you fucking piece of shit, You bald-headed homo?

It ain't active. We're sitting here. It's inactive. So you get off. And then you got a single file through everybody. Boobloy-boop-boop-boo. And then Sarah wanted to check the stroller because you don't have to care, whatever. Then Marty has to walk.

But he's been on a plane for six hours. So he wants to walk. He wants to jump on the ground. He wants to lick a window. Sure. Kiss my grits. Then I have to stop and take a shit. My wife has to change your tampon.

Then you've got to wait for your luggage. Your luggage takes 10 minutes. That's at least 20. Then you get the luggage. Then you've got to get the stroller and the other luggage and the other luggage and the other luggage. Then you've got to wait for your taxi for eight minutes. It's gridlocked, honking. Yep.

Then it takes 35 minutes just to get out of the airport. Right. And then the traffic, the BQE, the other thing. Now it's becoming rush hour, rush hour, rush hour. Yeah. Spanish, Spanish. And then you go all the way to Battery Park City. Yes.

By the tall, Jed's a millionaire. It's $5.50. Wow. That is cuckoo bananas. Let me throw this at you there, Helmut. Helmut Lang. What do you think about this? Subway.

Well... I know it's no fun. I know it's no picnic. The hobos, the jerking. But you're not in traffic. You're not waiting in the cab line either. You save a little time with the sub. But... Jared Fogel.

You have this. It's a 14-day trip. 16-day trip. Sure, sure. With a toddler. So now I've got to break down the stroller. I got to get... I have my suitcase.

Then we have, like, fucking carry bag. What do you call it? Velvet bag? What's that called? Carry on? No, what's that word? A satchel? I think it's a C.

Canvas. I got these canvas bags. I had a painting I bought. I tried to ship it, but it was a holiday. My sister's ass. So you got like a canvas bag, a diaper bag, a backpack, her backpack, my suitcase, her suitcase, the other piece, the diaper shit. Good point. So now you're going to get on the subway with seven suitcases.

Yeah, you're like an African lady with a thing on her head. Absolutely. So. Ooga. That's that. Oh, that's a horn. I don't have cars over there. I can't do it African.

Homo loba Lili. Ah, Semenya. There you go. But anyways, Dike Mottombo. Yes, yes. Didn't we kill him? Remember that? Did he die?

Yeah, like the day after I said he was dead. Don't you remember that? Oh, yeah. I said something about like, DeKimbe Matumbo die, but I was thinking of someone else. And like a day later, it was like, DeKimbe Macomba's dead. I killed that son of a bitch. A voodoo curse on that tall cup of jiz. A chemelajuan.

just hung himself in a bathroom. No way. No. I don't think he could, actually. He's like 7-4. Yeah. It's not to be a high-ceiling bathroom. But I'm just trying to test to see if he dies.

Oh, I see. I see. Yikes, you're killing more Africans than the Tootseys. Well, now we got Wemby. Tutsi fairy. Well, he's French. Ugh. Yeah.

He's like 8-11, that guy. It's confusing now. He used to have certain groups in certain places, and that was it. I know. Believe me. I heard Janus was Greek. I almost shit myself. Remember that kid?

Janus Poppus? No, the basketball player. Oh, Janus. Ice, the Greek freak. The Greek freak. I mean Pappas. Yeah. I didn't know what you meant.

I just kind of chuckled. No, no, he's Greek. Yes, that Janus. But he looks Greek. I'm just saying the basketball player, you're like, ah, he must be what, Nigerian or from Detroit? No, people everywhere. By the way, we were in Dublin on our way to the Guinness factory or plant,

whatever the fuck it's called, storehouse. Yes, yes. And it was like the biggest Muslim holiday of the year. I don't know what it was. called. At Guinness? Not at Guinness, but in Dublin. But they have, you know, I think because of Syria and all the stuff, there's just a huge

influx. So my parents have never left the United States. They come to Ireland. They want to see sheep, greengrass, and, you know, Gary Veter with red hair. Right, right. Top of the morning. So I go, we're going to take you straight to the Guinness factory, you fucking Elkies. We get in the

car, and it's I don't know, Ramadan or... Ramadan a Ling Dog. Jamelon or the Shanaaz, whatever band. M. Knight. It's, I mean, literally, I lived in a story for 18 years. It's the most Middle Eastern folks I've ever seen in my life.

And my mother was like holding her purse. She was shaking. I mean, my father was like, he was ready to go back. He's like, get me back on the plane. I get it. That's a lot of flying carpets and curvy swords. But it's mind-blowing. If you're from America and Boston, particularly, and everybody's Irish,

and you spend all your time at Irish bars. And you fly all the way to Dublin. The motherland. And you're like, here we go. We're in the old country. I mean, it looked like North Africa. It was crazy. Wow, that's crazy.

Palestine. You try to be like, oh, don't worry, you weirdos. But you are like, I didn't know about this. This has changed. And you go like four blocks. And then you turn and it just looks like South Boston again. Got it. There it is.

But would it be nice if you went to the Suddenia. or Egypt, and there was a little corner where it was all a bunch of mix. Well, that's what I was saying to Sarah, because she's like, it's like, you know, it's just like New York, and I'm like, no, it is just like New York, but you're not expecting that.

Right. And I said, it is, in defense of my parents, if I said exactly what you said, if I took my parents to, you know, Istanbul. Yeah, yeah, it's Turkey. And it was just a bunch of Bill Burr's walking around. Well, first of all, they'd call that colonizing, it'd be bad.

Right. But if it's the other way, it's cool. Well, colonizing, I think it was more violent. I think that was a little bit like stab him in the tits. I agree, but I think we'd call it that. It's like we call it, you know, we call it that comic a Nazi. You know, we would jump to the big one now. Oh, we love to throw Nazi around.

Genocide, Nazi, white suprem. A lot of big words being punted around. I see the point. But anyways, it took me 48 hours to get home. It was crazy. By the end, you just want to fucking kill somebody. That is horrible. My lovely, wonderful wife, she does this, though, and I know it doesn't mean anything.

Uh-oh. But we land, we get in the cab, and she goes, that was smooth sailing. And I'm like, God! Why say smooth sailing? Smooth sailing. No, sale. That was the Titanic. No, because the flight was smooth sailing.

But I'm like, say smooth sailing when we're home, because I have Google Maps. It's just blood red. It looks like a vein in my cock. I'm like, you jinxed it. But there's no jinx, but also it's like, why are we having this celebration of smooth sailing? I'm like, it's got to be choppy shit, horrible sailing. Yeah, spoke too soon. That's like right when you take off 9-11, hey, we're on time.

Right. Towers. Spokane too soon. Uh-huh. I gotta go there soon. Yeah, I'm going there, I think. But anyways, I don't know where to start. You tell me some things because I got a record a mile long.

I want to hear everything about the UK, you gay, but let me just say, tippy-diby-d-day-day, a couple things. I've been all over God's Green Earth. did Canada. The whole country. The whole thing. I did some town. I'd never heard of.

Hamilton. Is that it? I don't know. That's a good play. Just guessing. Ryan. I actually hated that play. I actually never saw it.

We thought it was like middle school. It felt like saved by the bell where it was like, hey, hey, hey, my name is Abe Lincoln and I got shot in the head, married to Mary Todd. Isn't that odd? It just felt like, it felt like, you know, there was an episode of Save by the Bell where they did a hip hop fucking thing. I just didn't get that show. I hate Lynn Emanuel. I think he's like a pretentious little snot.

Right. And the whole thing is just like, Aaron Burr. He wore fur, and then he shot Hamilton in the back of the head because now he's dead. It's all a blur. You heard me said. Yeah. Whatever. That guy sticks.

Hamilton blows. All right. Well, I think they just mixed it up. You know, it's like, oh, we've seen Broadway 100 years for this way. What if we put a hip-hop tune? Yeah. And we make the president black. I didn't get it.

Which we actually had a black president. Sure did. Eight years. That's true. It was good. Yeah, yeah. Nice guy. So, I go to Canada.

Remember how I bought the drug? I got drugs from a comedy store guy, and I took it to fly to Canada on a red eye to get my passport. It's all rewind, reruns. So I get to Canada. I do a casino called Rama Casino. You might want to give this a goog. I can't remember where it is, Ramadan. Ramadan Soder.

It's one of those places where you're like, oh my God, everybody's been here. I'm looking at Seinfeld, Bill Maher, Chris Rock, you know, all these people, Bernie Mac, everybody's played there. John Panette, beautiful casino in the middle of nowhere. What do you got? Is it Casino Roma? Yes.

In Orilia? That's it. O'Relia. Yeah. O'Reilly. Yeah. O'Rillia. Yeah, Ontario. Yeah, Ariria, I think.

Crazy. Middle of No, it's one of those where you fly there. You get on a car for three hours, and then you're at the casino. So it's out there. And killer show, great. But here's the clinker. I bought this leather jacket months ago. You know about the LJ?

I don't remember. I've been looking for this LJ all over town. I saw a guy in Oslo wearing one. I said, that's the leather jacket. I hit the place up. It's a tiny store in Italy. They sent me the wrong jacket. I had to send it back.

All right. Well, it was a whole saga. It was a saga. It was a whole saga. On this podcast? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. Sitting right here.

Give it a goog. Check doesn't remember? You don't remember the leather jacket saga? I got a million messages about it. We might be drunk? It was here. All right. All right.

Yeah. Oh, I remember. It had an eight ball, right? Yeah, that's the white sleeves. That's it. Yeah, the devil's. So I got the leather jacket, but I never wear it because it's a leather jacket. Yeah, I appreciate that.

Yeah, but I've always wanted a leather jacket. You know, you see these comics wearing one. Eddie Murphy, it's red. It's a full onesie. the 80s. I know. But I was like, I want a leather jacket. I'll never wear it, but I have it. So I wear it around the house of my pajamas. Okay. And I look at the mirror and I go, hey, oh, hey. So I said, I never wear this jacket. When I got the passport, I put the jacket in my suitcase because now I have to wear it, because it's cold in Canada. So this is my

only way to force myself to wear this fucking jacket. So I throw this puppy on, in the casino, I walked downstairs, they give you the whole tour through the kitchen. I go out on stage. I walk out, I go, Hey, we are, Canada. And one guy goes, nice jacket, Fonzie. I took that thing off. I fucking threw it in the gutter. First moment.

Wow. I'm wearing it. Nice jacket, Fonzie. And I went, fuck you, Amundo. And I ruined my whole set. Well, it's a big move. You're 43 years old. It's tough. It's just, well, whatever. This comes out in September.

That's true. By the, it says, Sarah had a great bit about if you want to introduce a hat. She's like, I like hats, but you can't just show up with a hat. She's like, you've got to start on Halloween. Oh, that's great. You have a costume. You know, you go out as a biker.

Yes, yes. And then you slowly remove the boots and the helmet, and then you go, hey, it's my coat now. You may be no notices. I love it. That's a good bit. It's a great bit. But, yeah, I guess that's all right. I've got to wait until Halloween, too.

Yeah. That's four or five months away. Well, it's going to be 150 degrees for the next six weeks. That's a good point. It's a good-looking jacket, but I don't know. I'll show you. Yeah, that's okay. It's very minimal. You know, there's no zips or quiffs or buttons.

Oh, okay. So it's like a, is it like Tom Cruise in that movie? Yeah, yeah. It's just streamlined. It's like a bomber jacket, but it happens to be leather. Is there fur? No. What am I, Aaron Burr? No fur. So, yeah, so I couldn't wear the jacket at all. So I had to put it in my suitcase. That's a relief. Takes up a lot of room. So that was just a fun moment.

Flew back, put the jacket in a closet, locked the door, put a chair in front of it. And then last weekend, Spokane. Is that right? That is right, Billy. All right. Give me every detail and then never mentioned Spokane again for another three, four weeks. Five sold-out shows.

It's a bitch to get to Big Spokie. Yeah, you got to get to, what, Seattle or Salt Lake City first? Yeah, I did Mniap and connected, and then you get there. You got one eye open. It's a hell of a long flight. but great shows. How about this one? Oh, shit, I shouldn't say this.

I'm sure it'll be fun. You've never caused a problem before. That's true. Never had to rush to edit anything. Well, I had great crowds, but again, my hour stinks, so I'm really up there just tap dancing and that whole thing. But I double booked because I'm very unorganized. So I had two guys show up to open.

And they both flew there and all that. And I was like, you know, one guy shows up and be like, hey, because I kind of book this shit, you know, when I post my calendar, and then 800 comics go, can I do that one? Can I do this one? And I just go, yeah, sure, whatever, blow me. And I show up, and one guy's there, and I go, hey, it's kind of a fun surprise for me. Neither one of these people texted you before and said, hey, I can't wait. We keep it light. Okay. So I go, hey, because I get a fun, like, oh, you're the guy I booked. I get to hang out with you all the weekends. This will be great. This is one of the craziest things I've ever heard in my life. It's like a sitcom. He walks in the green one,

I'm like, whoa! I high five, and then to the other door, over here, I go, what are you doing here? He goes, you booked me. And I go, oh, fuck. So now they hate each other. It's tense. The whole weekend's ruined. Can you say who's who?

Oh, yeah, it's this guy, Caleb Signing. I know Caleb, of course. Very funny, underrated. And then this guy, Corey McAilis. Oh, I know him from Seattle. Yeah, yeah. I know Corey for years. So I guess he just drove to three hours, which isn't bad.

Yeah. I fucked up. So I go, how do you guys want to do this? And they go, you tell us. So I go, oh, geez. How do you guys want to do it? You're the boss. We ended up alternating.

That's not bad. Yeah, I gave them both, I don't know, 16, 18 minutes, something like that. All right. Yeah. So it worked out and the crowds were great and they killed it. Those guys are both hilarious. Yeah. But then they give you the money and they go, well, you guys both featured.

So here's a feature check. And I'm like, it's only one check. It's only one check. So now they're splitting the very. little money. It's already not a ton of money. Then you've got to split it. So I go, well, wait a minute. You should pay one as a host and one as a feature. Yeah, they should get the MC money. Yes. Or was there an MC? No. Well, yeah, they should get the MC money too. But they were like, well, they featured two features. So that's... But one of them must emcee, when the other one was

featuring, right? That's what I said. So now we're in cahoots back and forth. And I'm like, how is this an issue? So I gave them a bunch of money because I felt guilty, but it's a little strange, right? Well, maybe they don't pay their hosts. Some clubs don't pay the host. I think they do. Yeah, well, someone should get the host money. Yeah, so we're still talking to them.

It's like $25 a set. It's like $125 a set. It's like $125. I know. They could use that cash. That's crazy. That's kooky. Kuku bananas. But we had a great weekend, and I flew back and it was all Hunky Dory. But I'll just say this, and I'll

pass it on to the Brexit over here. So I land in Spokane. It's the longest flight ever. You finally land. You ever had this one? Get the Uber. I'm good with the Uber.

I book that Uber when I land. I walk off the plane, carry on, walk right to the Uber. Carry on. I like that song. Yeah, that's not bad. That's pretty good. Is it a foreigner?

No. It's like fun, I think. Oh, fun! I'm thinking of carry on my way. Oh, that's Kansas. I fucking hate that song. They'll be peace when you are done. I don't get that.

What are they talking about? What is that about? Who's the wayward son? I don't know, but that song sucks. So dramatic. It blows. Yeah. Huh?

Someone's going to the army? Oh, I thought it was like a religious fable or some bullshit. Remember back when songs came on, you had to like imagine what they were talking about. Right. Now you can just Google it, but you had to really sit and think. Yeah. So I get in the Uber, it's this young kid, whippersnapper, cute, clean-cut kid with a Tesla. And I go, oh, nice wheels.

I got crushed on my eyes and jibes. on my ass and I'm like, all right, going to the hotel and he goes, let me ask you, sir, I love people, I love driving people, what's four things you would say to a young guy to make it in life? Like, what's your tips to life? And I was like, huh? And he's like, what are three things that you, three great quotes you heard? I'm like, uh, what? hate this guy. I don't know. But he's so young and nice and he's like...

He's young? He's probably like 18 or 19. Oh, that's appalling. I know, but he's trying to do this like figure out life and connect and I'm going places and I don't know. This is how I do my Uber's. I ask people their three best tips. What's the best advice you ever got, buddy? And I'm like... I guess that's okay. But you're just hot off. It'd be like if someone kicked you in the ass when you woke up and put you in an orgy. You're like, whoa, hold on. I'm not ready for this. I just got off a flight.

Right. And so I'm like, I think Einstein said to each his own or something, three horses and a mule. He said life is like riding a bike. In order to keep your balance, you've got to keep moving. Okay. Einstein. That's good. That's good.

Tell him that. I'll call him. All right. But another great Einstein is I'm not smarter than anybody. I just stay with problems longer, which is good for comedy. Yeah, I've been staying with mine for 15 years now. Sure, same. So yeah, it was just one of these, you get off a plane and he's just hitting you with hard-hitting questions.

Are we doing a pod? Is this mine 60 minutes? What is this? I don't care for that. It was like a self-help guy. He's one of those guys, like, tell me your three greatest triumphs. Is he filming it for content? No, that was the other crazy thing.

I was like, is this for the internet? And he was like, no, it's for me. I want to go somewhere in life. And this is how I think I'm going to do it. And I want to get to know people and learn. Oh, wow. So what did you end up telling them? I just made up a bunch of shit.

I was like, ah, Tolstoy and Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass said to, you know, take a shower every three days and wake up at five to a cold plunge. You know, I'm just talking out of my ass. Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. There you go. Ben Franklin. Hey, I like him. Yeah, he's good.

Fat, ugly, weird. Big womanizer. Oh, yeah. He invented the post office, plaster of Paris, the almanac, the bifocal, electricity, stuff. No kidding. Yeah, he was good. Yeah, that's pretty good. Pretty good.

And the president. And fat and ugly, too, by the way. Fat and ugly, readers. I don't think he was president. I can already hear people being like, oh, this fucking idiot. He's a retired. He was vice president. But, wow.

Well, maybe that kid. I hope that kid does well. He's going places, but again, it felt like subway takes. He's a Uber driver. He's going all kinds of places. That's true. Five stars. But he felt like subway takes, but I wasn't ready. Like somebody just put you out of the shower. They just threw you on a subway.

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Boy, I told you my new... If I get to do that show again, oh, hit me. Fingers crossed. The first 10 minutes of every movie is awesome. Every movie? Every movie I've ever seen, 10 minutes in, I'm like, woo, hoo-hoo!

This is awesome. I get it. Now, I'm sure there's examples. Everything sucks now with the fans. This is hyperbolic. But in general, when you're watching the opening credits of a movie, I'm like, this is great.

So much hope. That's true. Amistad. He's really picking up. that nail the beginning. You're just like, this is fun. You have hope for every film. That's true.

That is a good point. There's something fun. Like, produced by, directed, and it's like someone's feet walking in an office. Yeah, it's all up. Where's going? Right, right. Two girls, one cup.

They get right to it. You know what's crazy? I watched Milk on the flight home. Yeah. They couldn't make that movie now. How so? Every actor's straight. They wouldn't allow it.

Good point. Sean Penn is incredible. I'm just an incredible performance. He's amazing. I believe he got nominated. He won. He won. Amel Hirsch, Sean Penn, James Franco, the other guy, all straight guys.

Can you imagine now? Wow. The director was gay, Gus Van Zamp. But if you came out and you were like, we're making a movie about, you know, Stockbridge. What's that bar? Stowwall. Stow wall.

We're making the Stowwall and you had, you, me, and Chuck, are you straight? If you had you, me, and Salakue, who's playing. The Stowwall Boys. That's a good point. They would go, what the hell is this? And back then, that movie was like cutting edge. It was progressive. Look at these guys playing homos and drinking milk.

Right. That's a good film. That's good. That's a hell of a picture. Shut. Ped, the way he yells bugs me, because you don't see his teeth. You ever notice that? He goes like, ooh!

He's always yelling in a movie, like Mystic River. Mystic River is a little much. That movie's got some silliness to it. But he's got this perfectly round mouth, and it's just a hole, a black hole with no teeth. He has no lips. I don't know. Something about the guy's face is off to me. Maybe it's a choice, but he doesn't yell in milk.

He's got the New York accent. He's great. And then one battle, of course, he's amazing. So he's good. Great in that. Great in that, yeah. He's a good actor. Anyways, yeah, I watched milk.

I'm just watching a homo's kiss. My son is looking over going, what's wrong with you? And I'm like, don't worry about it. I'm cool. Yeah. Homogenous milk. Huh? Homo milk.

Homo milk. That was the original name, Homo milk. That's what I call J-Milk. He's a good guy, H-Milk. All right, so hit me. I had to get that out. H-Milk. All right, well, I got all kinds of stuff.

This happened like six months ago, but I had a big celebrity signing at my mall, the mall. Claire Daines? No, walking through. We saw Tristan Harris. You know that guy? Oh, the Facebook queen. Facebook AI guy.

Yeah, he's not a fan. He's something else. It was cool to see because you're like, I see this guy all the time. I think he's an American hero, this guy. I like it. He's little, right? He's pretty little, yeah.

I mean, he's not, like, crazy little. I don't know. Sure, he's not a ding. Nine, maybe, yeah. Okay, he's my height. Yeah, so pretty little. Ah, shit. But, yeah, I saw him.

I don't know. That's not a story, but that was kind of cool. Did you say, hey, Tris Day, fuck the meta. Well, I looked at it, but I did, you know, delete everything off my phone. So I feel like, hey, you're making progress, you big homo. All right, all right. See, I think he'd like to hear that. Which I got to tell you, it's now been six weeks, no Instagram.

I'm loving life over here. I don't know what the hell's going on. Good for you. And when you delete, you notice everybody else. You're like, this is crazy. Look at this asshole. Just staring. And you just feel better than everybody.

Yeah. It's really nice. I feel like a million bucks. I was on the subway with my dad like six months ago and he goes, notice every single person is on the phone. And I was sitting next to my dad going, well, I'm bored of shit. Right. You know, but still, he had a point. Every single person was on the phone.

Yeah, it's really something. He was a pack train. Looking at my phone right now. Now, I don't know where to go. because it happened so long ago, and I kind of want to talk about last night because I did this crazy gig last night. Oh, lay it on me, Fannie.

So, or maybe I should tell Belfast because that was the most funniest. Let's go, UK. Save the gig. All right, Belfast was the funniest one. So we go out there, you fly fucking 900 hours with the baby. We're all in coach. We couldn't get the stuff. I got so many tails.

I don't know where to start. Ah! Wow, so this was funny. So I got a friend who's a lady. It doesn't matter her name or our past relationship. Oh, boy, Karen. I book my flight. Eventually, the three of us are going again. Me, Sarah, Marty.

We're all going, and we're back in Coach, because it's cost $75,000. Plus, my parents are coming. I pay for their hotels and their flight from London to Dublin, so it's a whole thing. I'll talk as fast as I can, like the Microposchines guy.

Good son. So just get through it. So we're sitting in the back, we got a long flight, and it's an overnight flight, a red-eye thing. And you got a kid, and you got to adjust for the time.

You have to stay awake when you get there. And so you just want to, sleep, of course. Yes. But you can't sleep because you're just sitting upright. You got the head nod going. Luckily, he's sleep. I'm like, as long as he sleeps, at least he won't be so fucked up.

So we fly out there. It was great when we landed. He goes, come on, let's go. We're in Scotland. That's funny. That's the baby. Three sentences in a row. Come on.

Let's go. We're in Scotland. And everyone, everyone's like, oh, my God, he's amazing. I had his face painted blue and a skirt on. Hey, freedom. Just a leather skirt. It wasn't a kilt. All right.

So we land out there. We go to Scotland. That's great. So then on the flight home, originally Sarah and Marty were going to go home a couple days early before Belfast, after Dublin, because my parents were coming to Dublin, and they were flying home to get to my nephew's graduation. So I was like, all right, you guys will go home a couple days early.

Yeah. Because it saves us, we're going to Northern Ireland after that. I'm like, it saves us two border crossings, which it turns out there's not even a border crossing now from Ireland to Northern Ireland. Oh, that's nice. A lot of progress. It used to be a little chippy over there. Troubles.

Which is a very nice euphemism for killing people with a car bomb. Well, you know, Ireland, that's how they go. We had a little trouble. Yeah. So... They call them the Titanic a cold plunge. Folks. So, we're going out there, and so they're supposed to leave Friday.

I'm like, you'll go to the airport with my parents, and then it saves us some extra cash going back and forth, blah, blah, blah. And I'm telling my friend this. And I go, so, and plus that way I can fly home first class. Kind of making a joke, you know, whatever. And she goes, what are you crazy? They're the ones that should be in first class. Fuck you, your piece of shit.

Doesn't get the humor of the situation. I'm just trying to be funny. Who is this? That's a person. It doesn't matter who. These people are animals. So I go, yeah, well, you know, I'm just kidding. And she's like, you got to put them in first class.

Have you ever flown cross country international with just a kid? And I'm like, well, we fly all the time. Don't worry about it. yada, yeah, it turns into a spat. Okay. And I go, all right, how about this? I'm upgrading them right now. What do you think about that? You fucking piece of shit. Quay, bitch, cunt.

So I go in, and it's in euro, so I don't realize it's like more expensive. It's like twice as expensive as I think. So I send the rest, I go, there you go. I tell my wife, hey, you're in first class now. Boom. Because of this fucking piece of shit is yelling at me. And I'm a good guy. I'm trying to be funny. Whatever.

So now they're all in first class in the flight home. Wow. So then we have the trip. The trip is so magical. And some of it's not even worth talking about on this pod. This is a silly pod. But it was very fun and spiritual and beautiful. And you're just taking your kid international.

We went into the... It's just beautiful. It was beautiful. It was unbelievable. So then I'm like, I can't have you guys leave. It's too much. I want to see it through. It's going to be too much with the luggage.

and I'll just be so painfully lonely. I'm extending the trip. You guys are staying. And you get to save on those flights. So then I got on the flight home, I'm in premium cabin. Not bad. It's not Delta 1, but it's like regular first class.

Yeah. And I move their tickets to this flight. And I go, what does it cost to move the flight? Keep them in premium cabin. The guy goes, well, We're closer now. The flights have changed. The fares have changed.

Trump's America. That's going to be $4,800 to change. And I go, what? To change, plus the additional fee from before. I go, I already bought the tickets. The tickets were like $2,000. He's like, I know, but now they cost more. It's all a racket.

This is highway robbery. It's a racket. Skyway. So I go, well, what about Maine Cabin? What if I move them on this flight, but Maine Cabin? He goes, you'll get $300 back. Three-hondo. It should be three grand.

Well, whatever. So I go, okay, well, they're flying main cabin. But here's the thing. Marty only wants to fly with me. So now the flight home, we have one first class and two main cabins for them. But now we're in the same flight. But here, what's to sit with me? So now, after all that, my wife is in first class and I'm back in Maine Cabin.

So the whole thing, switcher rude. Oh, man. It went from me, first class, them main cabin. they get upgraded. Now we're all in first class. Now I'm fucking back in Maine cabin. Now I'm driving the bus. I got my knees covering my ears. My son's sitting on my nutsack. And she's up there, you know, she's got chicken parm and tear him a sue and tear in my shoe. But then at the last minute, I was like, fuck this motherfucker. Cut this motherfucker right here. And I used, you know, I have all these miles. I never used miles. I have 300,000 miles. So I used

100,000 miles. Got their seats bumped up to first class. So I sat first. First class with him. Sarah, two seats behind me. We were like Maverick and Goose, which was fun. I was like, came with that juice. Miles Davis. She hands it to me. So now we're all back in first class. That was exciting. All right, Miles. Had a big switcheroo there, so that was fun. But I got to tell you about Belfast. Please. It's a cool town. Yeah. It's the worst city I've ever been to, I think, in my life. Wow. You've been to Syracuse?

I mean, you know, international. So first of all, it's a two and a half week trip. We go to, we fly to Edinburgh, which is the coolest. Unbelievable. That's the best of all the cities. It's like fucking Harry Potterville out there. Exactly. J.K. It's just amazing.

Plus that day one, you have that feeling of we're doing it. We're here. Everything's fresh. Yes. We made it. We can do hard things. We got through the thing. We got through the security.

We're on the double-decker bus. We're loving it. They're playing bagpipes. My mother's Scottish. My father's gay. How's the weather? Unbelievable. It's like 75 and sunny.

We got the luckiest. lucky so live. Lucky charms. So, that's Ireland. So we get out there. It's wonderful. We go to the castle. There's a playground at the bottom of Edinburgh Castle.

It's just amazing. And it was just unbelievable. Scotch, golf. John Connery. Curling. Curling. Cilt. Yep.

Bagpipes. The bagpipes there. The blue paint, the dicks. What else? You got scotch tape. Yeah, yeah. Groundskieber Willie. Yep. Scotch egg? Mike Myers.

Ah. He does all that stuff. Anyways. That's good stuff. So, that we go from Edinburgh. We take the train to Glasgow. We're in Glasgow for a few days. That's a weird shithole but fun.

We had fun there. We embraced that. That show was great. At one point, we're in Glasgow, and I was singing, the Bonnie, Bonnie Banks of Law. And the whole crowd joined it. We're like in this basement and we all sang together. It was kind of beautiful.

Great. So then you go from there. And then here's a life hack that somebody fucking could have told me, a travel hack, whatever. Nobody shared this with me. So now we're going, we're taking the big train ride from Glasgow down to London, which is like a four and a half hour train ride.

We're heading to like, you know, London now or fucking big crazy city. Foggy London town. So, I'm like, we're getting us trains. The baby doesn't need a ticket. They all trains out there. It's fucking awesome. We took a million trains.

It was beautiful. Way better. And I go, well, first class is only a $40 difference there. But it's like a 280 pound trip, which is like $325. Okay. So I'm like, all right, well, let's go in class. It's only $30 more. So I get us two first class tickets on the train, four and a half hour train ride.

It's like $700. We're making money from the show. You better believe it. We got on the train, we take the train, it's beautiful. No one checks our tickets, not a single time. Nobody looks. Then we get to the show, I bring it up on stage, they go, it's a hundred pound fine if you don't have a ticket. All right.

I bought two, $400 tickets. The penalty for not having any ticket is $100. It's worth the risk. I go, what are you crazy? Wow. They go, oh, that's the oldest trick, you fucking idiot. I spent, I just donated $800. to the British Empire.

Oh, this is why I don't have health care. The crowd. I'm like, this is crazy. And they go, yeah, yeah, if you don't have a ticket. So we could have just sat in the seats and worst case scenario, like, you know, it's 100 pounds. Whoa. I would have saved 600 pounds.

That would never fly here because everybody would do that and we get busted. But over there, they're nice. It's nuts. I mean, I bought so many tickets that nobody checked, looked at anything. Wow. You got, you got rooked. You're a dumb American. And in Dublin, the Lewis, Jay Gomez, is the train.

Lewis, it's all on our system. You buy a card, we put $50 on the card, you scan the card afterwards, you just tap it. Oh, I gotta move there. You ride the train, you get off the train, you go, boop, and it goes, thank you. Wow.

All you're going to do is just not, like, here you have to jump over a turnstile. And everyone goes, look at this fucking idiot, middle-aged millionaire, jump in the turnstile. It should when you go, boo, you go, jump. Yeah, yeah. Idiot.

Yeah. Homo. Anyways, so we buy $800 train tickets. No one looks at them once. I'm a fucking idiot. Next time, just get on the train. Good to know. It takes a couple Americans to be like, steal, beat the system.

Fuck them. Of course. Wow, by the way, travel hacks. Good name for this show. Hey, that's not bad. We always talk about traveling and we're hacks. Yeah, there you go. So travel facts.

So then you go from London. And I'll go into little stories here, but London's just amazing. One of the fucking great cities of all time. obviously. Quite a toot over there ourselves. Oh, I went back by the hotel. That's where I started hanging out with Monis, my boy. That's right.

So, which, by the way, every guy's always like, he's not hot. He's ugly, piece of shit. This guy, every woman is in love of them. Is that right? Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, it's crazy. Really? I've never heard a woman mention him.

They might be trying to keep something from him. I mean, they all, it's nuts. I mean, I'm with the guy. They just, I think they're like tall. They like the dim. He's very kind. He's got good hair. Tall as big. Tall as tits of men. Oh, interesting. I think it tall as big tits. Ari had the best line because everybody's all over Sidney Sweeney. And I go, I don't think she's that pretty. I think it's all just because she has huge tits. And he goes, yes, but she has huge tits. Oh, I said she wouldn't be hot if she didn't have huge tits. And he goes, but she does. And that's such a great Ari point where I'm like, yeah, you got. me there. Right. She does have huge

tits. I don't know if you have to be the right kind of tall, though, because I'm very tall, but I'm long. See, Lanky's no good. I'll try to you a bit about this. They want tall. They don't want Lank. Look at this. Look at these legs. Lank is okay. Because, you know, I'd take Lank over 5'10. I think, I suppose so.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be you. But sure. The jawline supersedes. I'd rather be 5'2 with like a big old Bruce Campbell jaw. Right, yeah. Then 6-3 and, you know. You know, a little note chin there, phone book, Chinese.

Sure. Hey there, folks. Tuesday's With Stories is brought to you, as always, by Shopify. Running a business is all about flexibility. Shopify has the tools you need every step of the way. Shopify is an e-commerce platform, millions of businesses, used by millions of businesses. If you ever see that purple shop pay button at a checkout, you already know Shopify. I didn't know that much about this.

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Get yourself some merch. Shopify. I think we have a new website. Yeah, sort of Yeah, we'll see you there Buy a shirt Get a mug So any farts

Then we go to London London's amazing We took the train out to Bristol That was crazy Cute town Great town Went to Oooie Burger On their recommendation

Fucking amazing Let me tell you the great thing About Uwe burger O-O-O-W-E I think O-Y It's like a shake-shacky thing Here's what I loved about O-E-Burger

And I'll send you the photo on the menu, they have a burger that's called, I forget what it's called, but it's just beef, cheese, and bun. No sauce, no pickles. It's on the menu. And I want to move to Bristol because everywhere I go, I got to go, hi, I'm a big child, I'm a homosexual, throw coffee in my face, stick a fist in my asshole. I don't want your burger sauce. Right. Get your fucking homemade burger gravy out of here.

Oh, I love the gravy. I don't want an onion on my burger. Beef, cheese, bun. That's on the menu. BFB. Just put it on the menu. That's a good call. I like that.

Beef, cheese, bun. This is how I feel about sushi. You don't like sushi, do you? I had it once. I threw it up. I started spitting it up in the restaurant with John Fish, ironically. I was like... What?

Oh, my God. You uncultured quiff. I'm cultured. I didn't care for it. Sushi, they put this mayo on it now. This is all American horse shit. There's like spicy mayo. There's mayonnaise on sushi.

That's how far we've come. We put mayonnaise on sushi. It's like fucking tuna and salmon with mayo on it. Salmon Maril, I mean... It's bad news. Raw fish with mayo. It's like you're fucking with me. It's like you're trying to come up with the grossest. It's like you're in a writer's room. Like, what's the grossest thing?

And people do it. It's kind of like when ranch came on board. Everybody's like, I dip my pizza at ranch. I'm like, all right, well, I'm with Iran now. No, no, I ranch. I don't care for... I feel like with buffalo wings. cheese or ranch, I'm like, no, buffalo sauce. Ah. I don't want to dip it. It's already in a sauce. That's true.

It doesn't make any sense to me. I hear you. I do like a dip. It's like being like, let me get a piece of pizza. Okay, you want ketchup or, you know, come. I'm like, there's already sauce. Right. Why do I need another sauce? Buffalo sauce is the sauce.

I think Americans want more. We just need more flavors and more goo. We need ooey. What's the deal with the double sauce? Yeah. You got an orange sauce. You don't need a white sauce. sauce.

We like sauces. But saucy, Jack. Oooey burger. Oooey burger is fucking awesome. Isn't that when your kid walks on the plane? Oooey? No, bluey. I got my pants are a little Owee.

I don't know. We're out of gas. We just started. But anyways, so Belfast, so I've been in London, which is a world-class city. Dublin's one of my favorite places

ever. You feel a connection there, of course. And then Glasgow is so cool, and Edinburgh's the bad. So then the last, we're on the end of the trip. We go up to Belfast. Now Belfast, it's 400-seat theater or rock club. I've sold 86 tickets.

That's a tough market. I mean, I just swinging a miss up in Belfare. You want to just go, hey, let's just nip this in the bud. We'll get out of here. Give me the guarantee. But I wanted to go up there. I got an obsession with the troubles. I've read the books and all the stuff. I'm like, I got to go see this place. Ooh, she was. So, yeah, he really was.

So we go up there, and now it's like, we're at that part of the trip, we're like, we're ready. We've done laundry three times. Our clothes are dirty again. My parents have come and gone. And we've just, it's so much traveling. My son is like, I want to go home. Like, he's like, I miss his toys. And then you move, every time you travel, you've got to pack eight bags.

Yes, that's a nightmare. It's a crazy travel because you've got to get on the train. and you've got to take them out of the hotel and walk to the train. And then everyone's, do you want my seat, this seat, this seat, it's packed. Do we have this thing? Do you have that thing? And then he's trying to run around. It's a lot. It's a lot.

Because you also have to go, like, is this the right train gate? Is this the flight? Right. Where's our Uber? We have to check into the hotel. Get to the room. Get the key. There's so many little steps that add up.

It's worth it, but your hands are full. And then he's riding on the suitcase. Her wheel broke off at one point. You got your passport nearby. Man, the wheel. It's a lot. And you're like, do we have. the diapers, we have the thing, that he shits his pants,

and then you go, okay, shit, we got to do this, pop a bus, skippity-pap. But they said it makes memories. The best experiences for a kid or trips when he's young. Oh, man, it was truly the greatest. I mean, it was, and I didn't want to come home. It was fucking awesome. And you're not going to remember all that hotel shit

and the wheel and all that year. Of course. No, it is, it was just spectacular and the happiest time of my whole life. But you got to get through it. You go to Belfast. We take the train up to Belfast. which that was another funny one

we get on the train once again we have first class but it's two stuffy British people an old British couple we get in there and Marty and this is on me his shoe gets stuck between the two things

and he goes fuck fuck fuck and it's just two this is the first time he's ever done this and there's just two 70 year old British people like in first class

with tea and my American son just goes fuck fuck fuck that's great and the guy goes at least his pronunciation is nice And then he kind of laughed.

The old lady was like, just staring at us and you're like, well, fuck you, you're fucking bloody cunt. Yeah, get out of here. You're little twits. I make a good living saying, fuck. So you had to be like, you know, that's an adult word. I never say bad word. It's not a bad word. It's a grown-up word.

But, I mean, he just laced off three well-executed exclamation point. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Wow. Is that you? Or is that from the movies you show? Yeah. It's from Goodfellas. We watch it every night.

Yeah, well, funny how. But anyway, he had another great line. We're at a restaurant. And Sarah goes, I'll have the classic burger. That's what's called the menu. And he goes, I'll have a classic milk. Hey. Come on.

Is that gold or is that gold? Is he trying to be funny? Or is that just him talking? I don't think he's trying to be funny. I think he's just like, he wants a milk. That's great. And she says classic burger. So he says classic milk.

The kids are, they copy. Like, you know, I break down the boxes from Amazon and I'm stepping on the boxes. And then it'll just have a box that's flat on the floor. My kid will walk up and go. Oh. Oh, yeah. He doesn't know what he's doing, but he saw somebody do it. Oh, it's very fun.

It's wonderful. So now we got Belfast at the end, and you go, okay, let's go up to Belfast. You try to get it up. Here we go. Belfast. And you take the train all the way up there. We took a bus back, by the way, because there was no trains. It's great.

We did every kind of mode of transportation you could do. We literally were on a boat, a plane, a train, a taxi, another train, a commuter rails, scoobloop. Yikes. Taxis. So we go up to Belfast. that city's, it's tough. It is not, it's not beautiful. Sure.

It's not big. It's not, it's just, it's lacking something. Well, the whole personality that's weird, because it's Ireland, but it's not Ireland. It's like, there's like soccer hooligans and junkies and they're obsessed with Palestine. It's not beautiful. It's, it's weird. It's a weird town, and I was undersold the whole time. It was one of those ones who you were like, oh my God, we're at 89,

tickets and a 400-seater. Ah. I ended up getting up to like 120 or something like that. All right, all right. So you're like, all right, well, this was a tough one. Whatever. I always wanted to see the city. I did my own personal walking tour of the troubles, which is really mind-blowing.

It's unbelievable. Because these two streets are like a half a mile apart. They still have peace walls, but they still close at night. It's fascinating. The whole thing. I always say, people like, white versus black, men versus women, we'll go at each other. Ireland versus Ireland. Right.

You know, like the Hutus and the Tootis, they're just two African tribes. Like, it doesn't matter what, we just find any difference that we'll kill you. Yeah, it's human nature. It's quite a thing there. So, but like I said, I've just done so much reading about it and watching stuff that it's like, I'm finally here. Yes. It's like being at the polo grounds or something. You're like, whoa.

But anyways, so we go there, and I go to do the show. There's this woman named Wafa, who's very funny opening for me. Oh, Waffle House. This is also embarrassing. I thought she was Irish. I think she's picked up some Irish accent. She's from Tunisia. But I just thought she was Irish because we're in Ireland.

And she goes, I'm from Tunisia. You ever hear of it? And I go, never in my life. Because I'm thinking it's some Irish town. So she starts describing it. And I'm like, oh, Tunisia. And she goes, oh, yeah, that's how you said it. So I find like a fucking idiot.

I'm like, I've heard of Tunisia. I know about Tunisia. We say it different. I thought you were Irish, so I felt like a fucking moron. Was she a honky? I mean, she's Tunisian, so she looks white. Sure. But I think she's, you know, she's Arabic.

I got you. But, yeah, she looks, I thought she was Irish. Got it. So I guess she's white. I don't know. I don't know what's what anymore. Yeah, it's hard to say. I think she's Arabic, but if she said, hi, I'm from Cleveland.

You go with it. I would have been, oh, okay, nice to meet you. I don't see color. I don't see Cleveland. My wife will let me butt on. Just kidding. She's there at Hilarities, June 28. Hey, there you go. I think I'm going to go along. Is Becca opening? But I might do a set myself. There you go. But anyway, so go out there. Wafa's opening. She's great. Very nice. So I get to the room. I'm like, all right, what do we get up to? 110 tickets? Okay, great. Wafa comes in. Very kind. She's a fan. She's beautiful.

Hey, all right. And then she just had a baby three weeks ago. She's a three-year-old son and a three-week-old daughter. Holy moly. She's in the thick. So she brings, her husband shows up who couldn't have been nicer. He is Irish or Northern Irish. She's British.

She's British and Irish. It's a very confusing situation. That's tough. They all have British and Irish passports. Yeah. Very strange. I thought they hated the Brits. I guess that's over.

But they are the Brits. That's the whole thing. Got it. That's what the whole kebab was about. Uh-huh. I thought about religion. Huh? It wasn't about religion.

Wasn't Protestant and Catholic? They happened to be divided by Protestants and Catholics, but it wasn't a religious war. It was about, like, two-thirds of Northern Ireland was British and wanted to remain British. And then the rest of the island became Ireland. So then there was like a small pocket that's like, no, we should all be Ireland.

Yes. And then the other two-thirds were like, no, no, we're British. Fuck you. Why wouldn't you want to be Irish? Well, I think the British, they came there from Scotland in England, and they had immigrated over there, and they had been colonialized the whole area, and they're like, we're British, we love Britain. And that's what it's still like.

You go over to the one street, you see Union Jack and fucking Queen and King Charles, and then you go over two things, and it's like Michael Collins and, you know, Mel Gibson up there, yeah. So anyways, it's all confusing, it's all pipes. Interesting. So he comes in, and we're chatting, blah, blah, blah, he's very nice. Nice, nice guy, and he's trying to tell me some stories. I can't understand what the fuck he's saying. Baby's in there.

It's great. Time for the show to start. So we take an elevator down to the showroom. All right. So Wafa goes on. I go to introduce her, and you do the thing where you're on the God mic, and I'm sure you do this. I learned it from Louis, but many people do it, of course. You go on the God mic, and you go, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show.

It's me. Hey! And it goes, all right. It's Joe. He's back there. I can hear him. And then you go, listen. I brought an opener and they're great, whatever.

So I do it in Belfast. I go, welcome ladies and gentlemen to the fucking Belfabah, blah, hey, I'm only joking, it's me. Yeah. Nothing. No reaction. So I'm doing this gag where I'm like, ah, I'm fucking with you.

It's old Joe List. Oh, no. Crickets. Ah. And I go, Joe List. It's me. I'm back here. Right.

Zilch. Ah, so it's like an American show. It's like the. most embarrassing moment of my life. Because I'm doing a thing and they don't know. And I go, do you guys know who I am? And one guy goes, the truth. Oh, okay, okay.

And one other guy goes, yeah, do's gays. So there's 118 people that have never heard of me ever. I'm doing this big schick of like, I'm here. Oh, no. Who are these randos? I think, I don't know. People that had nothing to do. It was also the Champions League final.

So it was like the biggest European sports. It's like the Super Bowl was going on. Oh, no. The timing. So I go, all right, well, fuck me. I'm an idiot. That was humiliating. Yeah.

I bring out Wafa. She goes on stage. She's doing great. I take the elevator. I'm going to go to the dressing room. So I take the elevator back up. And before there had been a guy bringing us, like, an elevator attendant. He's not there, but I'm like, I understand elevators.

I'll press the button. Sure. Up and down. Go up to the dressing room. I had to take it a big shit. But then her husband and the baby are in the dressing room. So I'm like, well, I can't take a big steamy shit next to a three-week old baby. She could die.

That's true. the fumes. So I tell the guy that the runner running the shows I go, hey, I got to take a shit we got an infant in there. He's like, yeah, sorry,

it's crazy, they're in there. I'm like, I know. It's like, my own troubles. They've taken my land. I thought it belonged to me. They thought it belonged to them. So I put on a ski mask and shot him.

So then he's like, well, tell you what, there's a country band. They're on stage. You can use their bathroom. And I was like... What is this? American night?

I don't know. So I go in there. Now I'm just taking a big shit in fucking... you know, Claire Underwood's toilet. She was great on the roast. And these toilets are different in Europe, so I just

leave all this graffiti. It just looks like this swastik is and fucking... Toilip paper, tampons. Semicolins, whatever it is. I take a big muddy shit. I leave all the shit in the toilet. I feel like an asshole, but I got a baby in mine. I flush, but stays there. Because their bowls

are different. The water's like lower. Your shit lands on land. What's up with that? It's not good. They haven't figured that out yet? Well, they're a little silly. Troubles. They had other stuff going on. I guess so.

So then I go, all right, well, he's in the green room. The baby's sleeping in there. I don't want to sleep with a baby. Toddler, maybe. Sure. So I got in the elevator. I go, I'm going back downstairs. I hit one on the thing.

It says stage left. I take it down. Now I'm in the elevator. Uh-oh. I'm just looking at my phone, picking my nose. Elevator door opens. I'm on stage. Whoa.

What kind of elevator is this? Because they do zero, one, two, three. Ah. And it said stage left, but I didn't, earlier I had been stage left, but down a little flight of stairs. Got it. So I saw stage left. I was like, oh, that'll take me to where I was.

So you're out with Wafa now? The elevator door opens. There's 180 people that are all sitting in the front because it's a 400-seat theater. So I'm literally, I got my thumb in my nose, I got a hard on, and I'm looking at child born. Sure. I go, and I started walking off. I go, wah, like Kramer.

Oh, my God. I'm just on the stage with her. Did Woff, I think this is some American gag? No, she's in like an act out. She's like bend over going, boy, it's so crazy. And I go, Jesus, so I jump back on the elevator. They're looking at me. I pressed the button as fast as I can't, but I miss. I hit the bell.

It goes, the alarm has been called. Please stay still. Help is on the way. Wow. And I'm going, ah, so the door's stuck open. So now I'm leaning in the corner trying to stay out of visual. And I can see the one-two's gay and three actual gays all going, looking at me. The alarm's going off in the thing.

Finally, I got the doors to close. It was just a fucking comedy of errors. That's crazy. So then the show ended up being great. They were very nice. Okay. And there was more than a three, it was like maybe 10 fans or something like that. One guy, 45 minutes in goes, tell some stories.

I'm like, I've been doing that for 45 minutes. That's the weirdest thing. I get that all the time. And then another guy's chair broke, which was fun. Big heavy guy. His chair just went, pf. And then a guy gave me a Seinfeld Pez dispenser, Bobblehead, or whatever you call those things.

The bird? Yeah, he's holding the Pez, but it's like that pop art. What do they call those things? The big head things. That guy right there? Mascot. Yeah. Oh, bobblehead.

No, not a bobblehead. Oh. It's called pop art, I think. Oh, yeah. It's a funco pop. Yeah. That is what those are. Where?

of you guys. On the shelf. Oh, on the shell. Oh, there, there. Okay, yeah, yeah, yes, exactly. It's one of those. Sorry, I'm looking at the bobbleheads over here. Got it.

So he gave me one of those, which was very sweet. So it ended up being great. Wafa was great. And, yeah, just a lot of fun. But, man, we were ready to get back to Dublin. I'll tell you that. Yeah, oh, really? Yeah, Belfast is not a lot going on.

And I bombed horribly there. That was a tough show. I had a guy, he was bombing so hard. He went, look, look, I'd rather watch TikTok. And he just showed me his phone. And I was like, oh, thanks, asshole. And some guy yelled at him. They got to a fist fight on the balcony.

I was like, oh, this is a great show. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's a very, very strange place because it's, like I said, it's Ireland, but it's not Ireland. Some guy wrote to me, he's like, you summed it all up better than anyone when you said, I have no idea what this place is. I was like, what is this? What is it? It's very strange.

And it feels so far. I don't have you ever been Australia, but they have all these town, Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, then you go to Perth. Perth is on the other side of the island and it just feels weird and isolated and different. It's like going to Puerto Rico or something. Right. Then we took the bus back. Oh, and then this was great. We got on the bus

and it's one of these systems where I don't know why everywhere doesn't have like the bank line that allows you to line up like places where it's like choose your own seat. Have the little bank line situation so you can decide when you're in line. This is like we're taking the bus

and it's just, you know, 85 people just standing in a circle. Yeah. And there's no, okay, we're gonna... Oh, man, that's two notes. We're gonna start boarding now. It's just the bus driver just goes... Oh, yeah.

So everyone rushes. We got eight bags. We're like, oh, fuck, we've got to grab the thing and the southern end. So we're getting on last. We're like the last three on. You look like an ice agent. So we get in.

There's three seats in the back of the... I'm like, we're not going to be able to sit together. It's going to be crazy. And Marty doesn't have a ticket. He's going to sit on my lap for a two-hour. bus ride. Yeah. We get all the way to the back,

and there's this IRA-looking guy. He's got rosary beads, tattooed on his, he had a face tattoo, shaved head, track suit. He looks like the bad guy in every Boston movie. Yes, yes. And he goes, you want to sit in the back thing? Yeah. And he gives us the threesome next to the toilet.

You can't judge. And his seat, and right in front of us, is the only seat with no window because it's like a decal on the side. So he takes the no view, gives us the three seats. I wanted to blow this guy and buy him a, you know, a Guinness. A Guinness or whatever, because it was the only section with three seats. I'm like, if we were on first, this is the exact seats I would have taken. So it worked out great.

Marty slept, and yeah, that guy's a good man. Yeah, I will say, I've been to Ireland a couple times. The Uber ride from the airport to the hotel, the guy was so funny. There's such funny people in Ireland. He was so, he was on, he was zinging, he was zanging. And you get intimidated. You're like, what am I doing here? This guy's funny than me, and I'm the show.

Then the heckles were great. Right. You do Vickers Street. The heckles are unbelievable, and everybody's funny. And also, did you get heckled at all? I couldn't understand them. Oh, yeah. The guy in Scotland was like,

Gada, gada, gada. And you're like, ah, shit, I don't know what to do here. Right. No, some guy was like, do some crowd work. And then I was like, all right, I go, sir, where you're from? The guy was like, Scott, but I was like, I don't know what the fuck this guy. talking about. I know. They said our curry was there. He's like, hey, what's your deal?

The guy's like, adibah, and he's like, all right, how about you? And he said it was 45 minutes of me going, huh? What? It's like Vinnie Brand. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. No, Dublin Dublin's the best. I fucking, I love Dublin, and we took a train down to Bray, which is like a coastal

town, which was also awesome. The train goes right across the Irish Sea, which has sharks in it, which is crazy. Wow, Irish sharks in Ireland, yeah. That's great. A little red beard. Kind of fun. Drunk.

But, yeah, it was just the greatest. I don't know. I don't want to hog too much. No, no. Let me ask you, did you get any American friction? What do you mean? You know, anybody like, oh, look at this fucking Yankee cunt over here. Oh, no, not really.

No one he gives a shit. Well, at one point, I was like on stage in Dublin, I was like, you guys should move to America. It's fun. And everyone was like, boo, fuck you. Why would we do that? All right. Which Dublin is crazy expensive. I didn't know that.

It's like equivalent of L.A. What? Yeah, yeah. And they have like a housing problem because I think it's old, what do you call that? Well, you can't build stuff. Zoning laws, I think. But, and then I think immigration. So it's very expensive there.

I was not like Dublin was like, I'll move to Dublin, save some money. Did you get any, uh, hey, fuck Trump. I'm like, I didn't vote for the guy. Don't yell at me. Right. No. I got a lot of that in New Zealand. No, nobody brought it up, I don't think.

But I think it's, you know, it's there. All right. Well, what the hell of a trip. Scotland. Scotland was the winner, it sounds like. No, I mean, it was all awesome. I mean, I got more stories, but I don't know. It was all fantastic. The last day was like, the first and last day were the two bests. Because we got Sunday, we got back to Dublin.

And we went to O'Donohue's, which is my favorite pub of all time. And they have, Sunday they have music all day. Oh, I love that. So we went in and Marty was a hit. They just loved them. They let them strum the guitar, which was something. I got video him playing. The guy was playing chords while Marty was playing guitar.

Incredible. We sang along. We did dirty old town and whiskey in the jar. It was just fucking perfect. Then we went to St. Stevens Green. It was a perfect day. We were kicking the ball around. We went to the playground.

And it was one of those ones where the first and last day of a trip always feels so good because the first day you've arrived. You're like, here we go. And the last day you're like, we did it. We're going home tomorrow. It's done. And you just feel so proud of yourself. Yes.

And the weather was perfect. And I just really fucking love Dublin. And my kid is just the best travel. He's like truly a great travel buddy. He just goes with the flow. And he doesn't have like breakdowns or anything like that. He's just like an angel. He just goes with it.

It's amazing. I got to be. I watched all the videos that Sarah posted. It just makes you want to travel. You're like, because she cut it so well. Oh, you're by the fountain. Oh, you're at the playground. Oh, you're in the castle.

You're at the bar. I was like, man, this looks great. Yeah, it was incredible. And also, you're just so removed from all the stuff. And I'm not on social media. Oh, freeing. And then there, we're not watching any news or anything. Beautiful.

And you're not even bumping into anyone that's like, oh, my God, did you see my cousin took a shit in the ice cream at 57 flavors? It's good to get away. It was just perfect. And then because we had the boy, all you're doing is, like, sightseeing and taking care of a kid. And I didn't want to come back. It was fucking phenomenal. Well, the good thing about traveling, not to get too quefy, but it makes you, at the end of the trip, you're like, I miss this about my apartment. I miss this about my bed. I miss this about New York. I miss this about my friends.

So then you go, I love where I live. I love my life. I love comedy. I love this and that. So then you get to come back to that, even though you get fucked to JFK. You get to come back to to, it makes you miss your life again. Yeah, that was, I mean, the first thing I did was after we got home after three-hour commute home, I fucking went straight to Chipotle. I was like, give me all the hot sauce. Yeah. I've been eating fish and chips and burgers and fries and fucking beef stew for two and a half weeks straight.

Give me a hot, I haven't touched anything of any heat. Yes, give me a Chipotle, a black guy, and a smoothie. Yeah, it was fucking, it was great. It was great to be home. And, yeah, I go to Boston a day. Do you? Yeah. Well, it's my nephew's whatever the fuck graduation.

You were going right back to the motherland. Which is crazy that the history of the show, like my nephew was like four years old when this show started. I just graduated high school. Wait, wait. Whoa, this show? Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's cuckoo. Or whatever. I mean, I don't know. How long are we doing the show, 2013? They're doing the show for 13 years. Ah. When you put it with the high school, that's insanity. Yeah.

I mean, our kid is old enough. I mean, if our show was a person, it'd be old enough to fuck. Oh, that's hot. It's great. Jesus Christ, that is banana. Well, we got to wrap this up. Yeah, yeah. We're going to do a bonus.

And I got a question for you in the bonus more. I'm going to save it. All right, great. Save it up. What day is it? What day are we in? June 15th. Oh, okay.

This week, I'm in Calgary. I was supposed to be in Pittsburgh. They're double books. And now I'm going to Calgary, which, by the way, I put off buying the ticket. $1,600 for Maine Cabin to go to Calgary. I will say it's a great comedy town. Trump's America, baby. $1,600 with layovers.

Oh. That's not, no bells, no whistles. This isn't, I bought a first class $1,600 for just main cabin layovers to Calgary. Where is that? That's on the west side, right? The west side. Like, it's fucking L.A. It's...

West side of Canada. Yeah, it's like above North Dakota. Yeah. All right. All right. Yeah. Not coast, but it's pretty far. That's a bitch. Anyways, I'm in Calgary this weekend. Check it out, whatever that room is. Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

And then Portland, Maine, July 2nd, 3rd. We added a third show. Hell yeah. Those ones sold out quick. So we might add a fourth show. And then, go see Sarah at Hilarities. I might pop in June 28th. That's a Sunday night. If you're in Cleveland. That'll be fun.

I'll be there. And then I forget where the fuck I am in July. I'm looking at you. Like maybe you know, but I don't think you know. I don't know. Anyways. Yeah, go to punchup live.com. And the Skankfest doc is really coming along.

It's crazy. Oh, hell yeah. You got to thinking about a date, the ballpark? Well, premieres at the festival. Oh, great. I'll watch it there. All right. I will be in.

Sorry, I forgot. Was this July, you said? June 15. Oh. Great. That's around the corn. I'll be in the Tempe Improv. Love Tempe. We added a show. That's a fun club, fun town. Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Detroit area. Then Cleveland, Ohio as well. Awkward. Emerald City Comedy Club in Seattle, which I hear is great. I've never been pumped to do it. Tampa, Florida side split. Bringing the kid. Cobbs in S. Confine's in Houston. Zanies in Nashville. The Pittsburgh Improv. And I'm coming out. out to East Hampston to do, I forgot the name of the place, but it's a cool venue. Give it a goog. It's on my website.

East Hampton. Going, going there for the summer. What do you got there? Choochoo Train. Check out my podcast. Fun bearable. And, you know, we're still working on this very special film project. Uh-oh.

So if you're interested in financially contributing, it's going to be really fun. It's kind of a secret for now. But hit me up in the DMs at Discount Chuck. Oh, I hate I said. Hit me up in the DMs. at discount, Chuck. You like that? Or email me at funbearable pot at gmail.com, and I'll fill you in.

A lot of Tuesdays are becoming part of this, and I really appreciate it. And, yeah, write me. All right. Praise Allah, quiff it up. You're all over the place. Get on the Patreon. Yeah, absolutely. I'm gay.

Jews killed Jesus, and we'll see you in hell. And he was Jesus. Jusus. Chewish. Cheers us. All right. Choosy moms. Choose us.

We're going to take a nap. See us. See us.