Tuesdays with Stories! - #661 Busker Keaton

Episode Date: June 23, 2026

Joe spends a night with one of the most prolific directors of all time! Mark has a big take on America's Funniest Home Videos, and Joe has a good time with Marc Maron, Jordan Jensen and Margo Price. It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays  - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories  - https://www.tuesdayspod.com  - Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off with code TUESDAYS at http://takeultra.com #UltraPouches #ad  - Get 20% off your first 6 months of Quo business communications at http://Quo.com/TUESDAYS  - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/  - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 70-80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me. Hey, folks, we're here. We're queer. The sun is shining. I just got back from the park. It's a whole other world when you get out early and just hit that sun and the grass. And you take a shit in the woods and then you come back. Oh, I love being out.

I like to wake up and go right out. Stare at the sun, put my asshole in the sun. They say that's the key. By the way, that's the thing. The butthole and the sun. Yeah, I think it's all horseshit. The walk in with your feet. of grounding. It's all nonsense.

You talk to like a scientist, a doctor, AI, gay eye. They're all like, no. Yes. It's all this nonsense. I mean, I like walking barefoot. I like the sun. Sure. But they're like, yeah, you get the sun and your pussy. That's good for you.

What is it? Equilibrium or a circadian rhythm. Well, that's the sun first thing is good. That one I believe. I agree. Standing in grass. It gives you a touch grass. Also, I heard somebody say, touch a tree every day. So now I'm walking around like... I mean, I love touching a tree.

Sure. Well, this microbiome, you get in the woods. It's good for your digestive stomach business. Is that right? I think so. Different microbiomes. How does the woods affect my gut? Because there's all kinds of jizz floating around.

There's leaf jizz and grass jizz and bird jiz. Got it, got it. Okay, that's good. Legis. It's got like how the moon makes you... your period kick up. I don't know about that. I'm telling you, the moon affects the period, which affects the tide, which is thick heavy flow.

No, you're confusing tide and tide stick from the blood. The moon makes the waves bigger, but it doesn't make blood waves. Give it a goog there, Faddy. That's where we get the werewolf. The werewolf that comes from a PMS whore. Is that right? I don't know about that. It's all moon.

It's all moon related. I think the moon is something. Moon is big. The moon is good. Moon landing. Jake Johansson, one of the great bits of all time. What is it, Pete? Keith Moon.

Keith Moon. He's good. Pete Townsend is the other one. Yes, yes. John Etwistle. Moon over my hand. What do you got here? Roger Deltry.

It's possible that the moon can appear to affect... A period. Period. The scientific evidence is weak. Yeah. I think it's just nonsense. Yeah. Plus the moon...

Time of the week. The moon is full, whatever. Twice a month, three times a month. I mean, it hits you. period, doesn't hit your period, I just think it's crazy. Pre-moon syndrome. All right, well... I think the sun would have fuck up a period more.

You're all hot? Sure, and bothered. Hot and bothered. These quiffs out there with their little tips, you know, get the circadian rhythm, get some sun on your ass, put an ice cube on your butthole and a box turtle on your taint, whatever it is. But what kills me is they go, they contradict. They go, you got to wake up at 4 a.m. and start,

working out, read the paper, and blow yourself. But then they go, sleep is your best superpower. Sleep is the ultimate. So I'm like, see, you want me to go to bed at 5. Right. Wake up at 3 a.m. and take a cold shower and do my taxes. Well, that's Mark Wahlberg, his thing. Yes.

Which I saw that one video, he gets eight hours no matter what. And they're like, what if you have to be up at 4 a.m. He's like, well, I go to bed at 6 p.m. Or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, exactly. You can't live like that. He has a job. He's an actor or whatever he is, entertainer.

Ronald Reagan. The actor? But anyways, I don't know. Yeah, everyone's got these little advice things. Yeah. I'm a tree. Turn the thing off. But I'm living high on the hog over here.

I got rid of the social media. I feel like a million. I don't know what's going on. You guys are talking about movies I never heard of. Oh, yeah. Well, you're hanging out with Spielberg. I was with Steven Spielberg last night. Come on.

How about that? Same room. Is that something? That's that sign of life. It's crazy life is long enough that you're watching Jaws with a half a boner. eating a tuna sandwich, and then one day you're hanging out with the Jew. I mean, I didn't hang out with him, but... I see.

I went to the world premiere. Actually, the American premiere. I think he played at Cannes. Or maybe, whatever. Was there a red car? Pet? Yeah, so let me get into this store. Let me just jump in here with two feet. A couple heels in my ass.

So my manager, you know, I switched managers. I'm with the big cats now. Yeah, you got that right, Freddy. I'm up there with the Hall of Famer. and another guy and the Hall of Fame guy I've never spoken to him my life but Becky

yeah I don't think he has my number or knows my name but I'm kidding of course I'm gonna get a call the day this comes out I'll get a call going hey what are you talking about your piece of shit

he's watching well I think someone will send it to him I can imagine he wakes up looks at the sun gets an ice scoop in his ass and watches Tuesdays with stories yeah that's good point

that's gotta be a great way to live though but so I got this hot man I got the hot old guy and the hot young guy working for me. And my career is just taken up. You should see my Belfast numbers. I love a hot young guy. So, hop young guy.

So I get an email. And you know, you get all these emails about this thing or that thing. A lot of me ignore. It says, hey, ignore. Can I film you fucking your wife? Can I film your sister's ass? Can I take Chuck's job? That one I respond to.

Sure, sure. Sal accused. So. By the way, Chuck sends me just laugh emoji, smiley face, thumbs up with a Reddit thread that says Salakuse is garbage or something. Chuck, he delivered it to my door. He brought the link to me and presented it in a red box. Well, unlike Becky, he will see this. Salcute.

Oh, yeah, he's in the fucking closet. But he reads Reddardt. He's all over his Reddit, so he probably has seen it. And then he sends it to me. I'm reading it. And I'm like, this poor guy, he's got to be hanging from. a tree. Although, knowing Salacus, you can throw hot coffee in his face.

And he's like, ah, that was delicious coffee. That's true. He's been tased. He's been kicked out of places. His wife hates him. But he keeps coming back. Well, Salakus is the best thing never happened to Chuck because, I mean, he's, look at it. He's like, he's like Spielberg.

Why? Because he looks better in comparison. Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying. The fans are, they're like, they got tattoos of Chuck. Yeah. All right. Like, give Chuck the microphone, put him on camera.

Oh. I went on and I was like, don't know. knock Salacuse right away because they were like bring Chuck back and I was like leave the little boy alone. Oh, there you go. It's good for you. Yes. Sally's a good man. He's a good, good egg. Sweet boy.

He's a bit scrambled of an egg, but he's first class. Yeah, yeah, he's over easy. But he can take a hell of a still photo. Yeah, my God. As good as a guy. He took that one of us hugging. Where's that one? Oh, yeah, at the wedding. Yeah. That was a great photo. What did you do? It's in the, was it? Under the fucking bushes. It's in a pile in one of these.

frames here. Well, that's hurtful. That's Sal Cus's his best work. That's true. Well, I don't care for it. Anywho, so I get an email says World American Premier. Why don't just premiered it in New York? So it could be the World Premier. Yeah, right? I keep correcting myself. It's New York.

It's New York. So... He's a Jersey guy originally, I believe. Spielberg? Yeah. I thought he was California. Maybe. Maybe right. I thought he grew up in Jersey and then had to get out. That might be right. A lot of these California guys start in New Jersey. Agreed.

Well, or East Coast even. Right. I think... Henry Phillips. What's his face? Shandling. Was he East Coast and moved wet? Because I know he had a breathing disorder, so he had to go to Arizona for the dry air.

All that dry air. Can't remember. This is pretty strange. Steven Spielberg grew up in several places because his father worked in the computer industry and his family moved frequently. but he was born, 1946, Cincinnati. Whoa. Way off. But born is nothing.

Born is tough. They might have been on a car ride. They stopped in Cincinnati and then Pop Trow. It says Scottsdale, Arizona is often considered to the place where he really grew up. Okay. Along with Shandling. That's right. Haddon Township?

You think that's Jersey? Sounds about right. Township sounds like New Jersey. They all know all those townships. That is. That is. A lot of township. ships down there. Okay, we got a township.

I prefer a friendship. Pete Township. So anyways, I get the email, hey, Disclosure Day, premiere, and as well as one of those ones, I'm just scrambled like Salacuse. I got the kid and the travel and the movie and the doc and the thing and the other thing

and the shows and the podcast. Your brain's just everywhere, and you're like, whoa, I'm not going to go to that. I forget to respond. And then my manager's assistant's like, hey, my manager was like, hey, this is timely. Do you want to go to this premiere or what? Timely. And I'm kind of thinking, this is probably like the premiere.

It just plays at a theater. It's opening. And I go, yeah, sure, I'd love to. And then they sent another email going, you're welcome to walk the red carpet or watch the red carpet. The red carpet is from 530 to 630. We got to put a suit on. Can't show up with Fablet.

I actually wore Fabletics. That's how good Fablonex is. Suck on that, Fabi. I wore pants like that, probably those exact pants. And then... He's fresh. Shout on the plastic. A buttony shirt.

Sarah wore her, like, Madewell dress from seven years ago in a pair of sandals. All right. And we were the worst dressed people in the history of this thing. It was bad. Well, that could be,

that could set you apart. It's like when Bjork showed up dressed as a goose. Right, a silly goose. A salad goose. Uh-huh. Well, that's what it felt like. You know, like,

maybe we're just cool, you know? I mean, there's a couple other people dressed a little goofy. So we're supposed to walk. We have the opportunity to walk the red carpet. Fun. And I told Sarah, I'm like, they're going to be interviewing us.

We got to tell them we play The Alien. Oh, let's just do a thing. It can be viral. It can be like a big thing where we just go, yeah, yeah, I'm the alien. She's the lady alien. That's fun. And I'm one of the producers. My name's Joe List.

I co-produced. I asked to be not, you know, I had this whole thing. Maybe this could be like a T.J. Miller wacky. I'll blow up finally. Eric Andre, kind of avant-garde. There you go. I'll be huge. I'll show my dick.

I'll spread my ass cheeks, the ice cube will fall out, it'll be perfect. I love it, sunning. So then we got, you know, you gotta get a babysitter. Sure. And originally I was like, maybe I'll just take Ron on. He loves Spielbergs, he loves movies, but thank God, because he would have had, like, beard dandruff on his t-shirt and his crack of his ass hanging out, and he would have...

And he would have had heart palpitations when he hated the movie. I mean, he's a screamer, too, in a movie. He goes, ah, whoa, you know, those guys. Grow up. Between you mean a lamp post and the couch, he's not afraid to look at his phone during a film. Whoa! Well, that's, you take away the critic card after that. I know.

It stinks. My parents cut up my credit cards. Uh-huh. I don't have a hat on, but I tried to dip the card. Folks. Critic card. Credit card. I see.

Hoo. Hoo, baby. Annie farts. So we go. You got to get a babysitter. You got to get one. And it's 5.30 to 6.30 is the red carpet movies at 7.30. And it's cocktail hour.

All the stuff. And I'm like, this is once in a lifetime. Let's put our shit on. but these babysitters, Jerry, they're hard to come by. My niece is done with school, so she's home. My other niece, Sarah's niece, whatever, they're both our niece, whatever. She's working. She's like, I get out at 8.30.

I can be there at 9. The movie's half over. Well, he will be sleeping. Well, you can't just leave the guy. You got the video camera on him, I assume? No, we want to be there at 5.30. Oh, geez. I see.

So we get this other, her niece recommends this other lady, but she works till 530, the Upper West. She's like, I can be there at 605. And I'm like, 605. It takes 40 minutes to get there. It's in Columbus Circle. So I'm like, we're missing the red carpet. You got to go car.

You got an invite. This is where my career, this is my chance, Jerry. I could put on shiny shoes and a big tucks and a dumb and dumber suit and go and be on the carpet. Oh, come on. Spielberg, Emily Blunt, Colin Firth, that black guy that's in all the stuff, Domingo, Sancto. Oh, Sabachu, Opie, and Anthony. I can't what's his name.

I forget his name. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Blood Diamond? Yeah, maybe. Is he in Blood Diamond? That was like 30 years ago. They're all black and dark and foreign.

He's in Candy Man and he's in a bunch of other stuff. He was in another horror movie recently. I think it's Domingo. Lillew. Kahneman. Domingo. Coleman Domingo. Coleman Domingo.

Coleman. Domingo. Oh, okay. That feels like a. fake name. Goldman Domingo. Yeah. Police doubt fire.

Exactly. So anyways, it's one of those things where you're like, all right, so we're all dressed, babies hanging out, we're just waiting for the babysitter, you're like, 530, 540, 5.50. And you have that feeling if you're like, I have to accept no red carpet. Yeah. I'm just not going to make it. And, you know, that's what life is like.

As a parent, you're like, oh. All right, well, that was going to be exciting and fun and awesome. And we were going to watch Emily Blunt and the thing and the business and Spielberg. It's hard to accept. There you go. Because you wanted it. You're like, what can we do? You know, what are you going to do?

Well, you could take it out on the center. You could, when she shows up, you get elbow her and go, what the fuck happened? You killed me. Well, she was worried. You know, we could have set it up early, but I didn't know the red carpet invite until later. I just assume everybody hates me and nobody's going to the movie. I didn't think I was going to be able to walk the red carpet up Joe List. Right.

But we were honored guests. So what happened? So we ended up going. It's like 640 by the time. So then she finally gets there. Yeah. And then, you know, I just went on a, I got to tell this other story. I'm telling it out of order.

But I just went on a two, five-hour car rides, just me and the boy to my nephew's graduation. And I've been with them. We went to Ireland and England. So I've just been with the boy every second for like three weeks. weeks and, you know, we're very tight, very close. So she gets there. He just lost his mind. I mean, he was, like, clinging to me.

He's like, hi, I want you. Oh, don't leave at this thing. And it took 20 minutes to leave. Every time I put him down, his lips were turning purple, the quivers and the shakes and the crying. Ah, sad. And you want to just go, oh, fuck it. But you can't, you got to hold the line.

You got to hold the line. I was going to ask about that. The disciplining. You got to hold the line. So you're just like, it was just devastating. And, of course, as soon as you get out, it's just like he stops crying. Exactly. Because he accepts.

Yeah, it takes four seconds. So then we go, well, now not only miss the red carpet, the movie's at 730, we're leaving a house at like 648. So it's like a 10-minute walk to the train. We walk to the train, and I'm just not thinking properly. I'm talking about the baby. I'm sad. I'm crying. He's crying.

I'm all shook up. Yeah. So we walk to the subway. And now you know, your subway is like mine, Barclays. There's like 40 exits. Yes, exactly. It's just homeless, and there's 50 trains. Jew tunnels down there.

It's like an ant-hill. Once you go under, it's just corridors and avenues as far as the eye can quiff. And sometimes you get off at an exit. You've never got off at, and you're like, I don't even know where I am. It's a 12-minute walk to your house. Right. And your train is a ways. Yeah, it's like a 12-minute walk, and finally we get there, and I'm like, oh, shit, this is the E-Train.

Ah! I wanted the one train to go to Columbus. So I'm like, fuck. So then you have this thought. Let's just get on the train. We got to set up. It'll go up. So we jump on the E-train.

It's delayed. One of these fucking things. Finally, it starts going. We get to West 4th. We've got to transfer. Then we go, we got to get on the A train. So we sit and wait for the A train for 10 minutes. But it's the Knicks game.

So it's like because of an event at MSG and security and my sister's ass. And Trump. It's fucking clogged up. So then we run up the stairs. This is at West 4th. old station. We run up the two flights of stairs. We're like, fuck it, or down. We'll wait for the B or the D train. That goes to Columbus. It goes to Columbus. So now we're on our third train. This takes forever. And now it's clicking. I'm like, so now we have missed the red carpet.

And we're going to be the guys that walk into a world American premiere going, excuse me, sorry. Oh, you're that guy with the Fabletics on. Yeah. So we're dressed like dickheads. We're white trash and now we're late. Finally the B train comes. It's one of these, you're just shooting up. Everyone's in Nick's gear and shit with the phone fingers and their face painted. And we're just these assholes in free Fablantic gear. Going to...

Covered in jizz and oatmeal. And Emily Blunt is wearing the dress. It's crazy. The devil's. Finally we got there. I text my contact. Lainey. I go, hey, Laney. Lainey! It says, if you don't have your tickets by 715, we're releasing them. It's like 7-11. Oh, good store. Which is where I got my shirt, yeah.

Thank you. Come again. I go, hey, Lamy, we're on our way. Don't leave. She goes, okay, I'll hold the tickets. I have the tickets. Hold the line. I go, great.

Fantastic. We get there. I mean, it's a premiere. Oh, you got that right. This is at Lincoln Center. There's cops. There's crowd. You hear crowds cheering.

Whoa. Limousines. Whoa, what a city. The works. And everyone's got bow ties and shiny shoes. Eight-inch heels. I want in my ass. Sure.

And here's some of the celebrities. Lorne Michaels. Wow! A level. Paul Dano. Francis McDorman. Joel Cohen. Oh.

Patty Smith. Damn. Deep cut. It's a fucking night. Wow. Burger Patty. Let me just say this about New York. Because L.A., they do these premieres every 10 seconds.

You know, it's a dime a does over there. The Man's Chinese Theater and all that. But you got to park and valet and all this. And one good thing about New York, I know you took seven trains, and the Knicks game is going on. But you can just zip right up. Oh, we zip, baby. That is nice. It was pretty cool.

And who else? Oh, Candace Bergen was there. Murphy Brown. Also in Gandhi. Is that right? Pretty sure. No kidding. That's crazy.

Give that a goog. It's Candace Bergen and Gandhi. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. Hi there, folks. Tuesdays with Stories, as you know, is one of the best podcast. out there and we couldn't do it without our sponsors. This week's sponsor, Ultra Pouches. You don't need caffeine to get some energy. Check out Ultra Pouches. Ultra Pouches are designed for mental clarity and enhanced focus. They're nicotine-free. Caffeine-free. They'll keep you going with a blend of

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My friends are loving it. I got it. Everyone for Christmas got an ultra super pouch. No dizziness. No stomach rumbles. Just good, clean energy. Yes. And they taste great. They're nice to just have in your mouth. You put them in your mouth. You switch them around. Love it. Pick up a better

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Tuesdays. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Support the show and tell them Tuesdays with stories sent you. Yeha! Hey, hey folks, we're brought you by Quo. You better believe it. the business communication system built so you never miss a call. Quo is the number one rated business phone system.

The Quo app works on your phone or computer wherever you are, baby. Get calls, text, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all in one place. From solo operators to growing teams, Quo takes you to the next level. Quo automatically logs calls, generates summaries, and flags next steps. Wow. It can even respond after hours, so nothing falls through the cracks. replies happen faster and customers actually feel taken care of. Communicate faster. Stay aligned and deliver results with Quo. Try it today and see why Quo is trusted by more than 90,000 businesses.

Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus get 20% off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash Tuesdays. That's QUO.com slash Tuesdays. Quo.com slash Tuesdays. Quo, no missed calls, no missed customers. Yeeha. So we get up there, and now we're like running. I'm like, we've got to get these tickets. So this guy goes, what do you need?

We'll call. And I go, yeah, we'll call. And the guy's like down a block, talk to a guy in red. And again, it's the self-esteem thing where I'm like, I don't think that's our tickets. Right. I think we're VIPs. We had red carpet invite. That's true.

So you go against your instinct because you're like, well, I don't want to be the bag of shit that's like, actually we're VIPs. And he's like, look at your outfit. You're fucking home-out. Right. Yeah, what is it? Bird shit?

Possibly. So I go down the block. The guy goes, we'll call. He goes, yeah, follow this. And I go, great. And there's this big, like, you know, the bank lines where it has like the windy. Yes, yes, yes. Hate the windy.

We get up there. I go, hi, last name, List. What do you got? Candice Bergen appears in the 1982 film Gandhi. Thank you. about that. I don't know where that got. Same year as ET. Ah, yeah. And your birth. So, uh, phone homo. That is your title. So I go, hey, but the name's list, sister. And I got a toe here, buddy. Step on it.

You're bad man. List? I don't think so. I'm looking at one. I go. Epstein. I had a feeling. I go, I think I'm VIP. And she's like, looks at my outfit and is like, listen, pal, this is a serious. event here. No. Why don't you take it outside? Take the field trip outside. I think you're looking for the M&M store down the block.

So I text Lainey and I go, hey, I'm here. They don't have my ticket. She's like, what? You're at Will call? No, I have your tickets. You're a VIP. I don't know where Lainey's at. So I go, all right, well, I'm here.

And then she comes walking that beautiful lady. Couldn't be nicer. Penny Laney. She presents the tickets in like this big black envelope. Oh, I love Big Black. Yeah. Hands it to me. It's got a bow on it.

A pass, a wristband. It's legit. The box is dressed better than you. It was... Oh, great. Is that bad? Settle. Hold the work.

All right. They're sawing up the sidewalk. Why? I have no idea why it's a nightmare. It never ends with this area. I'll tell you a little... Some neighborhood goss in a minute. But keep going there, Red Car.

Can't wait. Ryan Gosling. You can hear it a little bit, but I think... I think it's, I'll take it out. You want to get a shot of them doing that just for B-roll, but don't give away my address. Yeah. All right, forget it. I see sparks shooting.

Wow. I'll see the sparks. It looks like John Sparks, but it looks like when they did Jim Carrey's toenails. Oh, yeah, that's a classic. I got a guy with a pickaxe over here. Oh, I love a pickax. Now, can you be in a construction union without a tattoo? Is that legal?

Not at all. I don't think so. You got to hit your wife as well, pretty sure to get in. Well, I got one of the things. There you go. Qualifications. I couldn't think of the word. Anyways.

Yes, yes, VIP. We get there. We get the tickets. And now it's celebrity set. Emily Blunt is there. She's right there. Wow. I got a nice photo of that.

Glowing? Oh, she's glowing, baby. Damn. And then we're going in. Sicario, one of my favorite pictures of Waltz. Yes, yes. She's hot in that one. So then they go, ladies gentlemen, you've got to get in there.

You got to go in it because we're a little. little late. So everyone file it because everyone's so social. The movie's starting late because everyone's just lingering. That's good for you. And this is what I said to my lovely wife, respectfully. I was like, being here, you can see why Hollywood marriages don't last. Because you walk around New York, I live in the business park, whatever they call you, financial district. And these women look so hot. I'm like, the hottest women. You go to the village, the hottest women. Beautiful. But then you go to a Hollywood party.

Ah. It's like 300% hotter. Is that right? Everybody. And they're wearing fucking short skirts, nine inch heels, boobs stuck together. They all have like, you can't even believe it. I believe it.

There's 50 women at this party premiere that are hotter than any woman I've ever seen. Yeah, and they're dolled up. They got the hair, the makeup, the heels. It's not just hot women. It's hot women at their Sunday best. It was unbelievable. Yes. And then you think of these actors that they're like, you know, you're married.

And then you're like, I've been cast in a movie. I know. I'm making out with this broad. And you're going to be spending four months of rehearsals with Charlize Theron. You guys kiss, you fuck. It's entrapment. It is. Yeah.

Then you've got to do, hey, we should work on that scene. You know, my house at 4 of the morning after having 13 cocktails. She's like, yeah, it's a good idea. And all of a sudden, you're blowing each other. And you have to, for the job, create chemistry. Create. It's like, we have to be together. We have to have chemistry.

Yes. So, and then they're hot. They're new. They're smelly. They're nice. They're fresh. Very smelly. Nice smelly.

Smelly only means bad. That's good point. Why can smelly ever be good? That is a very good. This is why you're on top. Thank you. That's why you got Dave Becky not listening. Smelly, he listens.

I don't want to cause any problems. Oh, right. We love you, Beck. but back and call yeah no one's ever like she's smelly

that's true bad no no she smells like Louis Vuitton yeah it's same with this guy he drinks

we all drink right you know I suppose so it's not as good as smelly but it's uh it's something

it's something I've had this with a million that dress shirt got to be confusing for a foreigner dress shirt yeah or how about

pretty ugly yeah I guys pretty ugly. Military intelligence. You don't want to get on the plane. Okay. You, I'm getting in the plane.

Okay, George. Anywho, I got to sneeze. Please. Might go away. A Jew. Well, yeah, these Hollywood, and that's why these Harvey Weinstein Chris, they get in there because they're like, he's like, how am I going to fucking 11?

Right. I'll become a movie producer and get power. And I have no real talent. I can't, you know, play baseball or paint. but I can produce. I can get a bunch of money together and give it to people. Yeah, that's a good point.

Well, anyway, it was Smoke Show Central. They were walking in, and Sarah goes, there's Francis McDormann. And I go, wow, Francis McDonor. I mean, right where you are. Wow. And then next to her, there's this big, tall, ugly fella. It's Joel Cohen.

Whoa. My favorite. I mean, like, just the greatest, the greatest screenwriting director of all time. I mean, are they outs? Yeah, they haven't been together in a while. That's a shame. But, I mean, this man is standing here.

You've got, you know, Miller's Crossing, Big Lobosky, inside Louis Davis, no country for old men, Fargo, True Grit, Raising Arizona. Bloods Simple. Come on. It's just unbelievable. Unbelievable. Now, what is with the Brotherhood movie guys? Bart and Fink.

Saftees. Saffty. They're going to. The Dumb and Dumber Guys. Farley, Brotherhood. Fairly. Peter and Bobby. And then you've got the Wachowski.

I know they transitioned, but they were brothers originally. Just saying, it's a lot of brother. It's just, I guess that natural bond helps you create a film together. Yeah, I guess so. You're in the, I mean, you probably start off. You're in the living room together. Exactly. You got a camera.

Yeah, you're starting young, making up a scenario, making up a story. Then one quiff grabs a camera and Bob's your uncle. A lot of musicians, too. Oh, Hailing? Alex and Eddie Van Haleen. Yeah. The other ones. The Kings might have been a brother.

Yeah, Ray Davies and Dave Davies. Dave Davies. Boy, they fucked up on that one. Mitch Mitchell. That's a lazy parent. Dave Davies. It's like Chris. The Ramones when I was a kid, I thought they were brothers, but there's no brothers in there.

You'd think because it's a last name. Yeah. With an S on it. Yeah. Also, pretty good. You're talking Hollywood relationships. Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn. They went to dist.

They're still together. Still faithful, still in love. And Russell's son is in the movie. Wyatt Russell. There you go. Wyatt, that's tough. Yeah, I suppose so. Why it?

Why not? I don't know. Wyatt Earp. So anyways, we go down and you got our seats and we're right down in there. And Paul Dano is sitting two seats behind us. Dano. And his wife, who's Elya Kazan's granddaughter, which I didn't know. Heck, it's a real Nepo fest over there.

So Dano's there. We see Lorne Michaels as we're walking in. He looks like hell. He's 81. Man, he's like a super villain. It's crazy. That's what Mike Myers thought, certainly. Oh, geez.

So Lauren Michaels is there. Paul Denna, I look, Patty Smith is there, which is like, my jaws on the floor. Patty. I love Patty Smith. Patty mayonnaise. And who else? A few other people there. And then Stevens Spielberg comes out, gives a speech, which is just wild because

you're like 15 feet. from Stephen Spielberg. That is crazy. I mean, the amount of hours you've given this, Jew. Unbelievable. And think about it. Did you hear, I know you're off the gram,

but I saw a clip, maybe you could find this there, Choochew, where he stepped in, what do you call it, interjected. They did a Spielberg Trivia night in London. He shows up. Wow.

At a bar, at a random bar. Just shows up and goes, actually, Jaws was 1975, Homo. Wow. And they went, Wow, get a lot. out of here. That's crazy.

Then a guy stole his phone. But still, pretty cool. That is cool. I always want to be one of those guys. I wish I was a star. Wouldn't you love to drop in? Like, he always had those Bill Murray. Oh, he showed up, he made eight tequila sodas, kissed a lady, and left. Oh, Eddie Vedder's always busking with guys outside of Wrigley.

He, like, plays the drums with someone. It happens all the time. Basker Keaton. I think Billy Joe Armstrong did that recently, or somebody like that joined in a band, or maybe it was Grohl. There's another video of Chad Smith just watching a drummer, like a street drummer. Chad Smith's just sitting there like...

He's the Creed? Creed. Who's Chad Smith? Oh, red hot jelly peppers. Oh, well, even worse. Creed, my God. Chad Kroger. Thank you.

It's a different Chad. That guy's from... You know the Creed drummer's name? Barely. That's what I know Murphy Brown is in Gandhi. I'm all over the place. No, the Creed's lead singer is Scott Stapp. Right?

What's the other one? Not Creed. Nickelback. Oh, Nickelback. Oh, yeah, yeah. I guess I don't know the drug shit. Yeah. The wife's home.

How about Italy? Didn't make the World Cup. Isn't that crazy? Interesting. It's fucking wild. Oh, Jesus. We got a digressing like a cum guzzler. Anyways, the movie, well, I hated the movie.

I just thought. Oh, shit. It was so fun, so exciting, and so cool. But my God, it's alien. I don't care about aliens. Give me a guy with a job and a car. I won't give anything away. but the plot,

it's not even getting anything away. The plot is not aliens are coming to kill us, which I could get into. The CIA has been hiding that there's aliens, and then there's like an Edward Snowd is like, I'm going to release the alien files. That's the whole plot, and I'm like, I don't care enough for two and a half hours.

If you release the alien file, I don't release the alien file. Yeah, yeah, the file. Now we're down to files? Come on. And the alien is just like classic big head, like, Alien.

Boo. And I just didn't care. It's silly and just goofy. But it was awesome and so fun and so cool. Well, I've been to a few premieres. I always say the worst part is the movie. Right. You know, it's like when you say the show is in the way.

You know, when you go on the road, you want to hang, you want to have a diner, you want to get a drink, you want to see the city. And then you're like, ah, we have two shows? It's a nightmare. And the show is fun. It's just the showering. Yes, yes. I got to be somewhere. What time is it?

What time is it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But yeah, I've been, Ronnie Chang, weirdly enough, and I was like, I'm going to see Ghostbusters. I got an extra ticket, do you want to go? It's a red carpet. You got to put a suit on. And I was like, oh, my God, you know, a young boy who loves movies.

You show up. You talk to everybody. Everybody's way more famous than you, way cooler than you. So then you feel weird. And then you go, oh, where's my seat? And then the movie comes on. You're like, this sucks. And I sneak out after like eight minutes.

And then you're uncomfortable in your clothes. Yes. And then at a premiere, You feel extra like, I can't move, I can't cough, I can't shit, I can't piss, I can't look at my phone. Yeah, and then the guy goes up and gives a little talk. He's like, it wasn't easy. My wife left me. I wrote this in my basement.

I'm like, right. Well, this one, too, I find myself during the movie. There's like a dame with a dress slid up to here with a 12-inch heel. So I'm like, that's the movie. I'm like doing this. Yeah. Just look at that thigh. Sure.

You know. Thigh master. Anyways, great time. I'm out, Jerry. Well, I got to tell you, I went and saw Obsession. We're on the movie train. I keep hearing about this. First of all, I didn't realize.

Me and the wife had the night off that babies asleep, and we had a friend over, and the friend's like, I don't mind, if you guys want to go out, you never get to go out. I'm always on the road, whatever. She goes, I'll watch the movie. Well, I'm always on the road or she's doing something. So you never go out together. Together.

That makes more sense. So they go, baby's sleep. You want to go see a movie or something? I'm like, oh, yeah, we should see a fucking movie. movie. What do you got? Oh, we got obsession. We got backrooms. Both at the bam. Ah, bam-bam. I didn't realize I have a movie theater two blocks away from my home. You got an arena and a movie theater. You're like sitting high on the horse here. I know, and I never utilize either one. I got the nets and the women. What do you call that? Yeah, exactly. Who's worse? The

Nets of the Liberty. I don't know. Liberty. Good pull. Yeah. The Nets. At least they're playing a men's team. Statistically, yeah, they're better. But, yeah. Yeah, so I go, fuck it. And I realize my boy, he grows up in this neighborhood. He can just go to the movies. Oh, yeah. I love that. I mean, you lived out in the woods.

You couldn't go walk to the theater. I couldn't walk to the theater, no. No. But it was like a 12-minute car ride. Plus, Bam, oh, gee, I'm just giving everything away. But Bam is this beautiful, like, theater with all these different movie screens in it. So we walk into back rooms. We were like, this looks wrong.

We sat down. You ever have that? they don't do previews over there. So that movie says 9.30, it starts at 930. Wow. So I was like, yeah, we'll get there at 9.35. So we missed the first five minutes. And we walk into back rooms.

And I'm like, this looks wrong. There's a back room. There's a black guy. This is bad. So we got out and found the right one. But we missed the first five. Of obsession? Yeah, sadly.

I couldn't do it. It wasn't easy, but we pushed through and we figured it out. But, man, great, great time, great movie, the jump scares. I'm in the room with like these big black guys, and they're all like, boh, bah, boh,

hey, you see popcorn flying up, a lot of N-word, and black guys in a scary movie is really, it's like a European and a soccer match.

They dominate. Any movie with black guys is a scary movie, if you ask me. That's true. What about reality? But yeah. Yeah,

it was a great time. Plus, we're in the dark. You never know. Yeah. But, yeah, great time that you finish the movie,

and you just walk home and I'll block away. It's very exciting. No, I've lived, this is one of my points of pride. One of the hard things about the idea of moving is for 20 years, I've been with walking distance to a cinema. I got one of an eight-minute walk from my house right now.

And in Astoria, I was right across the street from the Astoria. Kaufman. There you go. Is it Karen Cinema? Kaufman? Who was that lady who banged a bunch of police? Some cinema with an S. She fucked some guy.

It was like a Secret Service guy or something. No, I did. Real hornball. Whatever. She was a politician lady. I don't remember this. Kathy Hochel? No, no.

Cinema was the name with an S. Her name was cinema. Yeah. Last name. Oh, cinema roll? I have no idea. Normal first name. Julie Cinema.

Something like that. Julie, Judy, Barbara. But either way. What was it? What year are we talking? It was like a year ago. Oh, I have no idea. Nancy?

Kirsten? Kirsten Cinema. Yeah, that doesn't ring a dick. No. All right. She acknowledged in court filing. She had a romantic relationship with a member of her security detail. That's it.

Well, the transcripts came out. Woo-wee. I want you to be, poop, poop, poop, poop, and pin me down and poop and pull my hair and beep-pop. Hit me with your gun and fuck me with a nightstick. Wow. It got raunchy. But just fun hearing a Washington, D. D.C., whatever she is,

delegate, senator, super delegate. And just be like, put it in my ass with a, and go around the corner. Put it in my mouth in a second. So how about this one? Let me throw this at you, and then we'll jump back to you.

Please. Now you've got a lot of stuff. Lady knocks on the door yesterday. I was like, uh-oh, anytime someone knocks on your door, you're like, what's this about? Yeah. And I don't have a door man.

So it's just right there. And so I'm in the kitchen like, Hello, and I walk over, Asian lady, big hat, big Asian outfit. Triangle hat? I wish. She had a gong. I didn't know. I didn't have a doorbell.

So she had a gong. I went out there and she goes, I'm in the neighborhood. And I'm like, uh-oh, this is already bad. Because everybody in the neighborhood is like this well-to-do adult. We're the two idiot kids over here. Don't you feel like a child around adults? I feel like these people are all stockbrokers and politicians and mom-dye. and I'm a comedian,

retard. No, every day I order McDonald's delivered. I come down in socks and fabletics and a fucking hoop-hearted t-shirt. Right, right. It's just all these Wall Street guys, and I'm like, sorry, and I have bedhead and a boner.

Okay, we're in the same boat. I walk up with it. I'm with stupid and a hat with the arrow through my head. And I'm like, hey, how are you there, bitch? And she goes, yeah, I just want to say, we live on the street we want to thank you for putting these plants outside

Oh hey! We all hated you And it came off, she was trying to be nice But it came off as a threat A little bit like hey you You finally got your shit together And I'm acknowledging it So thank you but Took a while and all this

And I was like, oh okay Yeah she's like but I gotta say It's pretty dried out You gotta water these more And I was like I watered them yesterday She was like, you got to put way more water in this. And then she went on this rant about how people steal plants if they're not well water.

And I'm like, okay. They steal plants? Like rescues? No, like to put in their yard. Right. So they rescue the plant I made. I guess. If it's dry, they steal it and put it in their house?

Yeah, I guess. Is that what it is? Because they don't want to buy a plant. Oh. Or avel. But so they, she's like, oh, they'll steal your plants if you don't water them because they're easier to dig up. But I'm like.

Oh, okay. But it might have. I'm like, is there a horticulture quief out there going a botany bitch going, hey, this is pretty dry, we can get this up. I see. I thought it meant like they thought you were abusing, so they were rescuing the plants. Oh. Like if you saw someone with a skinny dog, you grab the dog at night and feed it. Ah, they're going to do that with a woman.

Hey, he's mistreating you. I'll kidnap you. Something. But yeah, so I was like, oh, okay. And you're like, thank you. But that's what comes. This is why it's good to rent. Yeah.

You live in a home. People also live in a home. They're like, hey, you've got to step it up. You're making the neighborhood look bad. And she goes, this was the final piece. You guys putting this in was the final piece. Now we've got a great street. That's great.

You should have her over. She didn't seem fun. No, no. Didn't seem like a beer chugging broad. But just a little scary of like, it was kind of mob-like. She runs the neighborhood watch or whatever. it is. And now you know that you're being watched.

That's a little nerve wrecked. It's a little nerve. And then just months and months, if we had no plants that looked like shit out there. So they were just plotting. I just pictured them in big meetings with the elk head on. Like January 6th going, these fucking neighbors,

we're going to, we're going to mottet off cocktail them if they don't get a shrub in here. Well, that is the nice thing about living in a building. Nobody knows what's going on behind the closed door. Exactly. That's why I think I was thinking. You got the baby in there.

You got a doorman. That's pretty much a built-in babysitter. Yeah. I know that's crazy talk, but no one's going to steal him. And if there's a house fire, that's the other worry. He'll hit the alarm. Who will hit the alarm? The door man.

Yeah, I suppose so. I guess the fire starts in the house. That's so good. He's dead. And if he's really upset, he's dead. He's dead. Yeah. Yeah.

I like to be near him. All right. General. Have some kind of adult pretty close to them. Wonder how many people died in the Malibu? How many kids were sleeping? Oh, I think they woke them up probably. I see.

I think we'd know if kids died, right? Oh, Bill Simmons lost two houses. Whoa. You know you're doing well when you lose two houses. And it's tough because you can't complain about it. It's a weird place to be. You lose two houses at a Malibu fire. You can't be like, I lost both my mansions.

That costs $20 million each. You've got to talk to somebody that also has two houses. You certainly can't call your aunt Betty and be like, how about this? No, no, you can't. You've got problems. Check this out. You can't go to Legion of Skanks and be like, ah, my houses. I lost 16 bedrooms and five bathrooms.

Exactly. I heard a lot of dogs or animals got brought up into flames. That's okay. They only live seven years anyways. Good point. All right, so I had to talk about the Asian lady, but keep going. You got that right? No good.

Check, you're making a face. Oh, oh. Come on. It's good. We're having fun. Oh, baby doesn't like it. Yeah, he heard it. Well, he's a younger generation.

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Well, tonight, by the way, I'm going to see the pride of Providence Deer Tick in Brooklyn. You're a dear Tick fan Or you're probably bitter Because you were in Providence bands You probably hate them because they made it No, no, I'm friends with one of the guys

That's in it. What? Whoa. Really? Oh, yeah. And then, yeah, John McCauley is in it. We've played with them. What?

Of course. You know about these tics? You ever have these tics? What tics? Not the deer tics, real tics. They drop in ticks everywhere. Oh, I heard this tics, Tick-Nod-Haw, Tad, Tic-Tac, Pattiwack, give a to Tog a bone. Exactly. Tick-Tick-Bomb.

They just say they unloaded a bunch of ticks on people. Who unloaded ticks? Bill Gates. Oh, come on. That's the rumor. You've got to get back online. No, you've got to get an awful lot. That's the most retarded thing I ever heard, but I didn't get the tics.

Ticks are bad. Ticks are bad this season. That's what our bar, we took Marty and got his haircut. By the way, their hair doctor, whatever the fuck you call it, Barber. She was like, your hair is unbelievable. You should feel great. 44 years old. Look at this hair.

She was rubbing her hands in there. She was like, look, that's insane. That feels good. Yeah, that was pretty cool. Wait, his hair or your hair? My hair. I thought she was cutting his hair. She was cutting his hair, but then we talked about my hair.

Oh, okay. Because it's his hair. He has my hair. His hair is wavy and gay. And she was like, you got great hair. Look at this hair. Then she was like, look at this. You can see he has this.

She was touching both our heads at once. It was like a threesome. Great. Oh, man. Snipping and rubbing. That's nice. So hopefully he gets your hair DNA. I hope so.

They say it comes with the mom. But her, she's not balding either. No. No, she looks great. So anyways, going to see Deer Tick and Chuck hates him. I love him. You don't like him? We just had this conversation.

He's joking. Yeah. They like him. Oh, you know a guy. Yeah. We've played with them. They're a good guy. I got hit with a tick.

So then, so I got all this exciting stuff happening. Last week, I wanted to talk about this last week. I had a gig. I got a text from old Mark Marin, our old Bell. Oh, yeah. And he goes, hey, I got a gig, fundraiser, scupily boobbob. It's one of these places the Soho sessions, which is like these really

these really wealthy people go to this unmarked venue. And they have all these huge musicians play there. It's celebrity. Steve Gutenberg was at the show. Oh, well, we're not doing too great, celebrity-wise, but all right. That's something. That's something. But I think, dear, he knows

Just Deertyk. Rob Deertyk. I mean, Gutenberg. Come on. Three men and a baby. Yeah, yeah. Police Academy. Diner.

All right. Yeah. Diner. But we have nothing in the last decade. Well, I think he retired to raise his kids. Oh. I think he was like one of those guys. It's like, I want to be with the boy.

That's what I'm going to say when I bought him out of show business. Yeah. So, anyways, we did the gig. Margo Price. You know Margo Price? Yes. Love Price. Sorry, New Year's Eve.

diehards will remember Sarah and I went and saw her in Lily Hyatt at New Year's Eve in Brooklyn years ago. She's on the show, Jerry. It's me and Marin and Margot Price and Jordan Jensen. The price is right. And then how about this guy? You know this guy? Wait, Jordan Jensen was on? Yeah.

Or with you? She's on the show. Oh, wow. Yeah. The show is Mark Maren's doing comedy. He's got killer new stuff and music. Got it. And he's playing with Margo Price.

And Jimmy Vivino. I thought you were attending. No, no, I'm on the show. Oh, this is incredible. Yeah, so the show, that's the show. And who's this guy? We're not changing it. Oh, I'm fucking spacing on his goddamn name.

This sucks. I didn't know who he was, and then he was great. He's huge. He's huge. Hold on. What was the venue? Soho Sessions. Oh, that's the name?

I thought that was the name of the show. Jesse Wells. You know this guy? No. He's a youngster. He's huge, evidently on a lot. I know him Wells. He sounds like Dylan.

He's got an acoustic guitar and a harmonica in this big rock and roll hair and nice biceps, I might add. He comes up to me, and I felt bad because I didn't know who he was. He's like, it's an honor to meet you, Joe List. I'm a huge fan. Wow. And he's just hanging with Margo Price. They're singing Angel from Montgomery, the John Prine song. They're like rehearsing it in the other room.

It's like two angels singing. Whoa. It's crazy. I'm a huge Margo Price fan. Jimmy Vivino from Conan. Of course, year 2000 Is there, he's sitting there And I'm like, this is fucking nuts

Wow And Marin can really whale this guy Oh, he can hit the chords He's a legit guitar player So the show is amazing How many seats? I can't what Is this underground?

Is it a coffee shop? It's like a living room So it's in Soho It's like literally an unmarked place Where these really wealthy hooves Got it, got it, Who's. They come and you go to the address

And you're walking and it's just literally, in Soho, there's just a man in a suit, big, giant, bald guy who looks like he's been in three wars and shot two kids. Yeah. He's got the little twirly bird old phone water. And I'm like, is this, who are you? I'm Joe, Joe List, the comedian. Slides the door open. The elevator's operated by a guy who's got the old school, and it says up down, he goes,

It takes me up the elevator. I'm like, where the fuck am I? You come in, and it's like all these black and white photos of the Rolling Stones have played in there. It's like a secret hideout place. Speak easy. It's just like a speakeasy. Beautiful couches, velvet, drinks, cocktails, bar, the whole thing. We go up, it's Jimmy Vivino's just hanging out, shooting the shit.

Marco Price is rehearsing back there. We went up on the roof and took some cool-ass photos. and I met Margo Price. I'm like, what's nice is I have the New Year's Eve gig. So she knows I'm legit. Who are you? I know Spielberg, Price. I'm intimidated.

It's unbelievable. I go, hey, I saw you at New Year's Eve with Lily High. She goes, oh, my God, you were at that show. And I said, it was awesome. You covered Prince 1999. She's like, oh, I can't believe you were there. I saw you on S&L. Old school, that's how I found you.

She's like, I love that. I love finding artists that way. And I said, I also found Jenny Lewis that way. She's, oh, Jenny Lewis is a friend of mine. I'm just like equals, Jerry. Wow. So I have this thought. I'm like, okay.

Now I'm friends with Margo Price. She's going to watch me. She's going to think I'm the best comedian in the world. We're going to tour together. We're going to be best buddies. You got to bring the heat on this show. So I'm like, I got to bring the heat. So we go down here.

Time to start the show. Jordan Jensen's on for it. Mark is doing some stand-up. He's going to bring up Jordan, then the band. Got it. Jordan's late. Her door handle fell off. Whatever the fuck.

I'm like, where are you? This is crazy. And she's like, who? Margo, who? Margo what? Who's this lady? Right. Who's that guy? Jesse what? Whatever.

Yeah. And I go, God, you don't know Margo Price, you piece of shit. Educate yourself. You're a fucking piece of shit. So we go down. She's first. She goes, let's switch. I can't go first.

Whoa. I'm not going to go first. You go first. That's a bold ask. And I'm like, get out of here. I don't want that spot. I'm for you. A sweet spot.

We're at a table. Margo Price is sitting with us. I keep want to say Junior Wells. That's a musician, a blues guy. Orson Wells. What's this guy's name again? Jesse Wells.

He's sitting there. Now I feel awkward because he's a fan of mine. I can tell he's somebody, but I'm not that familiar. So I feel like an asshole. That is awkward. And you never want to lie because then you get caught in the lie. Tell me about it. So I go, so I'm sitting there and I go, all right, Jordan's first.

She's going to take a little bit of a beating. Then there'll be some music. And then I'll have the best spot. Margot Price is going to fall in love. Whoa, Mama. So up goes Jordan. And I go, yeah. She'll see.

She's so good. You know, Jordan. I mean, she is a talent. She kills. And it's a riffy, too.

It's all up, down, off the cuff, but back in the material, back into riffing crowd work. So I'm sitting there watching. I love Jordan. Marco Price is over here, so I'm kind of like half looking

because I got a bit of a thing for her. She's like one of my favorite musicians. She's great. And she's going, ha! Oh, walking back, kicking her legs up. Junior Wells is playing the harmonic.

He's not her in the headlocked. They're pushing each other in the bushes. You're doomed. So now I start getting this sweat of like, well, they're never going to like me as much as they like her. The crowd is high-fiving. They're on each other's shoulders. Jordan comes off and I'm like, well, now I'm nervous.

This is crazy. I'm trying to be like, woo, a great job. That's pretty good. But wait a see this. So then Mark Marenn plays some music, yada, yada, yada, Spanish, Spanish. He comes off. He brings me up, gives me the nicest intro.

He's like, this guy is my favorite, blah, blah, blah. So I'm, like, touched. I thought the guy hated me. He gives that vibe. So I look at Margo Pratt, I'm like, get ready for a show. I go up there. The whole time, I'm in my head of, like, Margo Price, watching me, do comedy. Gutenberg's here.

Marin's watching. And Jordan Bruched. Jimmy Vivino's there. And it's slow going. At first, it's a little slow, and then I start getting them, and then I start really getting them. And then I start, like, slay it. Now I'm feeling.

I'm like, Chris Rock up there. Pow! Bang. Smash. Boom. I'm going to be on tour with Bryce. I come off stage. Jordan's like, that was awesome.

You killed. Holy shit. And I'm like, where's Margo? She's like, she left the second you went on stage. She had to Margo. She said, because I was like, who, I'm nervous now. She said you got in her head. You made her nervous.

She went up. She said she had to get a cup of tea. And I go like, what are you kidding? I go, when did she leave? She goes, literally, as you were walking on stage, she went up. Oh, that's bad. So I go, you're kidding me. Then she comes, she reappears.

She was gone 100% of my set. And then as we're leaving, she's hugging Jordan. She's like, it was so nice to meet you. I'm going to do a deep dive on all your stuff. She's like, I love you. I'm a Jordan Jensen fan now. Meanwhile, I'm the guy who was at the show 10 years ago. You should have gone first.

I should have gone first. What a queef. She leaves. So now they're best buddies. I'm in the elevator. I'm like, you don't even like it. So then Jordan, this cunt, she tries to make up for it. She goes, oh, by the way, Margo, you missed his set.

He did even better than me. And Margo goes, no way. There's no way. So now she's trying to, like, make me feel better. But now she's got Margo Price being like, no way, he's as good as you. You got priced out. So it's back from. I'm like, shut up.

Stop it. Damn it. And Margo's like, oh, woo. You blew my mind. She tagged her. on Instagram. He's like, I just saw the face I can't forget. Cut Jordan. I'm out.

Jesus. Mel Price. Story of my career. I missed the red carpet. Spielberg hates me. Margo Price doesn't think I'm funny. Wow. What a weekend. Vino was like, oh, you're good, you're good. And you're like, get out of here. You kick him down a flight of stairs. I'll say this about Vavino. He's like, you were on our show. I remember you.

How about that? I was on the show 10 years ago. That's incredible. He's like, yeah, I remember. I was like, I did a couple times. He's like, I remember. You're funny. Jimmy Vovino remembered me from 10 years ago. Team Vivino over here. He's 81 years old. Wow.

He was just like, oh, Joe List, I know you. Love it. What a guy. But Price walked out. Yeah, Price Waterhouse. Cooper. So Jensen wins again. Yeah.

But, man, she is special. That is a special talent. She crushes. Good for her. Her price will be sizzering up the afternoon. That's exciting. But hey, at least you got to go. You got to rub elbows with all these hot artists.

Talk to Barron. Yeah, I met her. He was cool. And Jesse Wells is... Then I did a deep dive on Wells. And he's awesome. And he's a fan, evidently. So that's cool.

Oh, great. He's good. You got to check him out. He's very popular. All right, Wellsey. Wellsey. Okay. I had no idea.

Good to meet you, Wells. Anyways. But see, that's something about New York. They have these... You would walk by them all day long. These underground basements that are like beautiful sex dungeons or amphitheaters or podcast studios. They're all below the earth. And where are these guys someday? Sometimes. People will go, oh my God,

Gillette. At least you have no idea you're sitting here. I'm like, well, they don't care. I don't know about that. Well, they feel that way. Some people do. Well, you ever do that Soho chess gig? It's in a chess lounge. Oh. I think you were supposed to do it. A baccarat one? Yeah, Ibaccared. Yeah, Dan Davies. Yes. Is it Dan Davies? That's one of those gigs you walk by

You're just like oh What's this glass door And then you do the gig there And you go They buzz you in And you walk in there And it's it's Mick Jagger Playing chess with Jimmy Hendricks

Photo and then JFK is fucking Maryland Row on a chess set And it's beautiful And ornate and stylish And you go into the backroom There's a bar And the bartender is the hottest

One you've ever seen And all these rich people And then you got a bomb in front of them But you're like These are everywhere All over the city You just never know You walk right by them

Yeah, it's wow. Well, I told you, I asked Adam Glenn. You remember Adam Glenn? Oh, yeah. A comedian who worked for TMZ. And I was like, how often are we walking by celebrities? It's like every single day. Come on. Because there's everyone, you don't look at everybody's face.

You're busy. You look at your phone, whatever they have a hat on. So they're just walking about because you think that when you're at the premiere, Paul Dano just with a Knicks hat. He's walking home. Yeah. He's taking a train. He's on the, you know, they're around.

They're all living here. That's true. And he's a normal looking guy. He's not like a hot dude. No. So no one double takes. They go. Who's that string bean?

Yeah. I saw Seth Myers once. I was just on the train. I look over. Seth Myers. This is probably like 15 years ago. Wow. But I was like, wow, Seth Myers of S&L is just riding the train with me.

It's pretty wild. T-shirt and jeans. I've been on the train with Louis many times and Colin Quinn many times. Nobody knows. Yeah, they're just sitting there. They both look like just sad old men. So nobody's going to go, the guy from remote control. Right.

You know? One time I probably told this story, I was at a rest up with Colin. And the guy goes, walks up and goes, oh, my God, you're calling Farrell. Oh, man, that's good. I'm something like that. Yeah. Well, I'm going to go see Obsession. I'm in Calgary next weekend.

Oh, there you go. Nothing to do up there. And no opener because the flight was $1,800. They got locals galore up there. Yeah. There's a lot of comics up there, so choose wisely. Yeah. But what else you get?

Great town. Great town. Not much. Are we done? Oh, great. All right. Shit, I want to talk about an obsession. We did that.

I want to talk about the Asian lady. Boy, I showed up son. I did Milwaukee. Milwaukee. Great town. Did a, what's that? Waynes World. Oh, yeah.

I couldn't remember that one. But yeah, Milwaukee, cute little town. Never been in the summer. I've always gone one at Siberian winters. We were in Milwaukee together, weren't we? Were we? For Adam Ray. Was that Milwaukee?

Oh, Indianapolis. I did another one that you, wait. Where did we do it together? Yeah, where was that? We had the chicken parm. Oh, Indianapolis. Indianapolis. That's right.

That's right. So in Milwaukee, cute town, I got a, my opener sets up a secret show at the laughing tap. Great room. So we do two on Friday at the club, great club. And then you got to go, it's one of these clubs that's way out 30 minutes outside the city. then you got to haul ass into the city and how about this? I'm sitting, we did the show,

great show, laughing tap, good room, sitting at the show at a bar next to the show two in the morning, half in the bag, drinking a cocktail, on the TV is America's Funniest Home Videos. You know, some bars

will just play old shit to be kitsy and weird. America's funny's own videos now looks like the 50s. It's Bob Saget, fully drink. By the way, Bob Sagin, Filthy Comedian on the Cleanest Show.

Yeah, two of the cleanest shows. Yes, that would be like Tony Hinchcliff hosting the Tonys. Oh, that's a weird example. But you know what I mean? Or Oscar I didn't host in the Oscars. Yeah, you put, but take it filthy comedian. It was no internet back then.

So nobody was like, this guy, look at this joke he did in 1985. That's a great point. Thank you. Yeah. It'd be like having Tony Hinchcliff on, family feud or something. I always think that because I've said this for years.

I think a fun gig would be like on a Disney Jr. show where I'm like the principal guy. And I come in and I go, hey, Shelley, put down the eggs. That'd be great. But now I don't think I could do it because they'd be like,

who is this guy anyway? Whoa! Exactly. This is us saying black people are scary and going, what long are you? Right, right. And they're like, you've got to get this guy off the show. Oh, completely.

One lady on the set would go, hey, look at this. and it'd be us on our pod going like this together. Right. You know, and you'd be out. It's like Louis was in Pets too or whatever. Sometimes I think about if I could run for office, because I feel like I could be a Democrat who says retarded. Yeah, we need you.

It'd be nice. Yeah, yeah, a little bit like, hey, I'm like a moderate left kind of Democrat. Cool, normal sane down. I like the police. I'm pro-police. I'm pro-union. I'm like, I like the military. I respect them.

but I could say, hey, homos can get married, and we're going to tax the rich, whatever. There you go. So I can be that guy, but as soon as I, especially for the Democratic Party, as soon as I tried to run, they'd be like, look at this. And I'm like, ah, I'm out. They'd find a trans joke from 2009. Yeah, we've done so.

2009, I never even heard of a trans person. Yeah, I had. Check my search history. But that was funny. There was a subway in Dublin's called TransLink. And I was like, I've clicked on this a few times. Oh, hey, that's good. It's not bad.

That's good. So, yeah, I'm watching the show, and I'm glossy-eyed, but it's so crazy because you got Bob full tie, and he'll kneel down next to, like, a nine-year-old girl and be like, hey, Sally, how'd you feel about the video? And she was like, oh, boy, it's the 50s. She's wearing a full gown with white shoes, and then her hair's done. She has a bow in her hair. And you're like, wow, this is a different time. These days are over. Because back then you went on TV was a big deal.

Well, I'm a old boomer now, but it's like my brain, wrapping my head around 1996 being 30 years ago. I know. It's crazy. It is crazy. And then it's just America, America, this is you. And then because in the 90s, every movie was like, it's the 90s, man, chill out. Right. Hey, cut loose, it's the 90s.

But the 90s, looking back, were Leave it to Beaver still. We didn't realize it. It's a, it's topsy-turvy world, and I want to go back to the 90s. It was awesome. It was a good time. Fun time. I loved it. You could send a video in of your dad getting kicked in the balls by a Shetland pony and win 10 grand.

VHS. Yeah. It's crazy. I've been doing comedy long enough. I was sending out VHS's. You sent? Many. Oh, comedy.

I thought you bet to America's funny. No, no, no. To like, you know, chuckledicks. Sure, sure. That's a big envelope, too. That's a heavy package. Yeah, I got one right here. Yeah.

Folks. Where are you going to be? Where did you send a video to this week? I have no idea. Where am I going to be? What day is it? It's June 15th. No, last week, 22nd.

Yeah, June 22nd. Go see Sarah this Sunday at hilarities in Cleveland. I'm going to try to do a guest spot. Portland, July, 2nd, and 3rd. I got Tacoma. My favorite city, my home away from home. I used to be there every three weeks, but then I had a child. Now I'm never there.

They're always in Tacoma. July, I used to be. that's for sure. July 3rd. No, end of July. I'm there. Let me pull up my dates because I'm so bad about fucking promoting my dates. I'm a piece of shit. It doesn't deserve any happiness. Here, here. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm coming. Don't worry. Philadelphia helium, October 22nd. That's at the end of the year, sort of. Step aside splitters. October 1st through the third, Tacoma, Washington, July 23rd, 24th, 25th. Portland, Oregon, back in the Pacific Northwest. August 13, 14, and 15. I fucking love that room. St. Louis Funnybode. One of the first rooms to ever headline me.

August 20th, 21st, 22nd. Comedy mothership, September 4th, 5th, and 6th. Future home. Royal Oak, Michigan. Coming back there, September 10th through the 12th. So all kinds of fucking dates. And jump on the Patreon. We're doing crazy shit over there.

It's a lot of fun. A lot of video stuff up. And that's it. All right. I'll be in Detroit area. Royal Oak, Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Then we got the nice July 4th. Then Cleveland, Ohio, hilarities.

Love that club. Can't wait to get out there. Emerald City Comedy Club, Seattle. Never been there. I hear great things. Pretty pumped to do it. Side splitters in Tampa. And San Francisco Cobbs, a couple tickets left.

Houston Improv. And Zanis, National. Nashville, Pittsburgh Improv, and Calgary Laf Shop, and Minneapolis at Acme. A lot of low tickets. So get on it, folks. Let's add some shows. Let's get cookie. We got a new hour.

What do you got? Chuck, Chuck Berry. Check on my podcast, Funbearable, but more importantly, if you want to get involved, we're doing a very special film project. Reach out to me at Discount Chuck on Twitter, Instagram. And just to fill you in a little bit, because I saw some comments about this project. this is a project where we raised a lot of money and got the impractical joker's crew to come to Rhode Island for a week

and shoot. So this is a very serious thing. And yeah, so reach out if you want to get involved. We're still looking for some money for post work. But yeah, looking for some support. And we appreciate the gays that are already involved. You better believe it. Nobody better than the gays.

Thank you, folks. Get on the Patreon. I'm about to do a bonus right now. No.