Tuesdays with Stories! - #662 Handy Nasty

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

It's taking over the nation - the boys are talking SOCCER baby!  A selfish fan tries to cancel on Joe! Mark goes out on a limb with a new jacket and the heckles come flushing in! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff:   - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays    - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - For a limited time only, Tuesdays with Stories fans get 20% off + free shipping by using code TUESDAYS at checkout at http://blueprint.bryanjohnson.com  #Blueprint #ad  - Sheath. The underwear of legends. Go to https://www.sheath.com/TUESGAYS  and use code TUESGAYS for 20% off.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me. Honey, we're back, folks. Here we are. The world is ending. I'm gay. You're fat. What's shaking? Chuck is gone.

You know what it's like when you're walking and you're walking over here and I'm like, all right, Mark and Chuck, let me get my Mark and Chuck gnaugging on. Sure, Mark and Chuck in the morning. It dawns on me. No Chuck. We got Lex on the ones and twos. It's like when you wake up and there's a foot of snow out the window. And you go, who, ho, ho, who, I'm watching Bryce is right.

I'm jerking off of my sister's billow. Yes, eating cereal. Absolutely. Good times. Yeah, the air is fresher, the food tastes better, the birds are chirping. The view is better. I mean, there's not that mutant over there. Sure.

We love you, Chuck. We're joking, of course. What is the, Portuguese? I believe Chuck is Portuguese. He might be Portuguese. Well, Providence, everyone's Portuguese down there. That's true. And he's got a hint of ethnic.

gross. I guess. He looks classic white to me. No, I see a little dirty brown in there. Really? A little, just a little hint of some kind of Ellis Island trash. Oh, I don't know. He looks like just a crusty old comic book white guy to me.

That's his costume. He's dressed as the Kevin Smith's fat younger sister. Well, it's got to be on his mother's side, because his last name's Staten. Staten doesn't sound too Portuguese. Anglo. Staten. Staten Facts. Staten Bissett. Oh, yeah. Dayton. Yeah.

A cute little Dayton. He's cute. Boy, the Twinks love, or no, the ladies love that twink. Is that right? I would go on the road with him and, you know, moms would go, oh, something about you reminds me of my son. I want to change a diaper. Well, they like, they think he's cute, but I don't know if they're like, I got to suck that skinny little noodle dick. Well, I think he's a fetish. I can see the fetish.

He's a Dennis the Menace. He's got the floppy hat, the slingshot in his back pocket. He's delivering the paper of the morning. That's true. That's a good point. But my wife went to, I was like, yeah, he's a handsome guy. And she's like, I guess. He looks like he's 12.

Like she could snap him over her knee. It depends on what you're like. Some women want to dominate a guy and stuff their balls in his mouth, which is what I'm going to. Sure. But I think most women want a big hunk of a chunk. And they lie. They all go, oh, we're not into muscles. We don't like this thing.

But then Doug Key takes his shirt off and they all queef blood. I'm like, we've talked about this before. I'm with you. I leave for three weeks. I come back with Doug Keybody. You're going to be like, oh, damn. I know. Shucks.

Well, I don't think they'll be upset. But see, women are all cuckoo wacky because it's all a big picture. They go, I like the muscles, but I don't like the guy who has to go work out and drink the protein powder and look in the mirror. I hate that guy. But they'll take the muscle. They don't want the personality. but they want the body. There's a clip on YouTube.

It's a montage called Women jizzing over muscles or something. I might have paraphrased. Send that my way. There's also a clip on tie. Jack Talk, Ty, very well. But it's like women reporting after like a wrestling match or a boxing match with these ripped, oily, wet fighter guys. And they're like, uh-huh. And the guy's like, yeah, I could have done better in the third round.

I got lost my head a little bit. And they're like, uh-huh. And you get to see women horny in real time, and it's fascinating. Because they hide it. That's what sex is all about. That's the nice thing about sex, though, is you get to see this person in this way that no one else gets to see them. That's true. That's why librarian is hot, a school teacher.

I remember writing a friend that was fucking a third grade school teacher. And he'd be like, she was on her knees blowing me before class. Oh. And I was like, I came in my ass. God, that's a lucky third grader. I think so. Jesus. How crazy to think back to us being in fifth grade with our little Ninja Turtles backpack and our purple panties.

Well, you're talking to a guy who banged a teacher. Huh? She was a college teacher, but still. A professor. There you go. Yes, yes. What grade were you in? I was a college student.

Oh, wow. I was 20. She was your teacher? No, but she was a teacher at the school. I worked at New York Film Academy. and she was a screenwriting teacher. I was the gopher on the keys. I was the registrar.

Registrar? Horrible gig. You have to take attendance. And if people are missed too many days, you kick them out. I had to kick kids out. What? I had like an ulcer by the end of it. I was like, oh, my God.

I was drinking Pepto-Bismol eating Alka-Seltics. I'd be like, I'm sorry, Kevin, but I know you came all the way here from Turkey, but the numbers don't lie. You're out of here. Wow, that's crazy. I never knew this. I had a girl from Belgium. She was like,

I came here on a boat. I have nothing. I can't go back. And I'm like, ah, you got to hit the bricks, bitch. Well, why didn't she come to class? I don't get it. I went to New York Film Academy.

It wasn't not exactly a strenuous thing. A lot of these kids were their 13th language. So they're like, which way is Queens and where is the Bronx? I don't know. And they would get lost. Sounds like a robot. Cheet, cheat, cheat.

Yeah, well, they're taking our jobs. But you bang the teach. I bang the teach. Yeah. I did a hole this is not happening about it. No kidding. Yeah, I said, my shower is broken. I live in Crown Heights.

I had no shower. And I said, I came to work smelly. I was like 15 days without a shower. And the president kicked out of school. Yeah. Well, I was the kicker out of her, luckily. But the president of the school was like, you stink. And I was like, no, come on.

He's like, you got to take a show. You can't come into this workplace smelling like that. I was a smelly kid. And why didn't you shower for 15 days? We had no water. We lived in a shitbox. I was paying like 200 bucks a month. You had no water?

Well, it would come out ice cold and it would drip and it was winter. So I couldn't. We had no heat at the apartment either. So I couldn't take a cold shower and I would suck it up every now and then. But after a while I was like, fuck it. I'll find a pool or a hose. You should have called 311 and said, hey, we're living in an apartment with no heat and no water. That's true.

Yeah. What is this India? I didn't have the self-esteem. I was like, ah, this is New York. I got to suck it up. and make it. Yeah, well, that's insane. So you're stinky.

So I'm a stinky guy. I was like pig pen from Charlie Dick. And I go, hey, I'm asking, hey, can I shower your place? Can I shower your place? You're like, ugh, ah. And I ask her, and she goes, yeah, sure, but I'm having a dinner party at like eight. So can you get in, get out? I was like, no problem.

I'll be there at 5.30. And I'm late for a dinner party, may I say. Yeah, I guess you're right. What are we animals? We should have dessert by 8 p.m. and drinking by nine. Maybe it was seven, six, thirty.

I can't remember. I don't care for this lady. I don't like her in the cut of her jib. She was cooky. She looked like Miss Fritz from Magic School Bus. She had wacky earrings and like a watermelon dress.

Yeah. Whoa. I mean, I haven't thought that in a decade. Oh yeah. So I go over there at like five and I go, all right,

clock's dick and Miss Fritz. I'll be in and out. And she had a whole table, like place settings, bowls, roses on the table, silverware. Boles. Jerry, you know, placements, napkins, everything. The table was, like, set for 12 people. Doilies?

Doyleys! I love a doilies! As far as you I can see. Um, so Patrick O'Doyley. So I was like, all right, I'll be in and out. I had my little gay bag. I had a towel, a snorkel, and a, and a shampoo rack, and I go, all right, I'll get in there, and she goes, well, have a glass of wine. You got plenty of time. And I was like, oh, okay, I'll have a glass of wine. I'm an alcoholic. So I'm sitting there, and she's got all these cool paintings. She's like an artsy bitch. So I was like, oh, look at that. Is that a whale? What is that a boat? Is that a skyline? And she's like, yeah, yeah, have another glass. I was like, alright. And she's a lot of eye contact, a lot of intimacy. And you get that feeling. Oh, yeah. You know that feeling.

You know what's weird about your body is sometimes I'll talk to a girl and I'll feel a chub forming. Every time I talk to a girl, I feel a chub forming. Well, that's true. I'll go upstairs after this. Yeah, my knees is pretty hot. But so either way, I remember getting I was like, I got to get in the shower, ma'am. I appreciate him. But you got a dinner party? I don't want to be here for that. I'll get out of your hair.

I already felt like imposing. And I go, all right, I'll shower up. She shows me the shower. And it's very, you know, I'm standing here and she's reaching over to hit the knobs. It's like a lot of touching. And I was like, oh, man, this is wild. Plus, I'm two glasses of wine in or whatever. So now I'm in the shower going, is this woman in me?

What's going on? I remember thinking that. Like, is this something happening here? No. What are you crazy? I'm 11, she's 50. Which, by the way, is like such a funny thing that we have. You're nude in a woman's home being like, hmm, I'm feeling a vibe here.

But that can't be. Can't be. Who invites people in their home to be like, get naked, I'll help you get naked, have some drinks. I guess, but the scenario was so far-fetched, like, oh, this lady's going to have me over and bang me before her dinner party. But here's the crazy part. And I've told the story before, so I'll keep it short. I get out of the shower, I'm drying off, I got my clothes on, I go, ooh, I haven't felt this good in a while, I smell great.

She goes, one more glass, and then you got to go. I go, great. She's cooking some. There's pots all over the stove, bubbling and steaming. She's like Mrs. Deadfire. Yeah, I'm having a hot flashes. Hello. So eventually we're on the couch in her living room, and I'm looking at a painting right here, and I look down, and she goes, I want you to come in my face.

come on I swear to God she said that and I was like okay I can do that and we ended up banging all night she was on her period there was blood everywhere and no dinner party I slept over she made up the whole thing so she set up the plates and the spoons and the doilies doilies doilies Jerry and I ate food we had the food she cooked I ate it wow unbelievable it was like a crime scene that's pretty wild I mean I remember one time a lady said hey do you play poker and I was like, yeah, and I went over, and there was no poker game. Oh. But she just had a deck of cards and was like, oh, like, we're going to play heads-up poker.

Right. And then she came out in like a negligee. And it's a whole other. It didn't work out the way it sounds. Yeah. Well, we didn't have Netflix and chill then. It's the weird thing about sex. You can't go, you want to come over and bang?

You have to do this weird dance and a vague language. And then you clearly are going to bang. So did you come in her face? I don't think so. Yeah. I think I blew it in like 10 seconds of being insider and the way to go again. And, you know, but. But coming blood is fine.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so. I like period sex. I never had an issue with it. Me neither. It was fine. The lights were out. So it was one of those things where I clicked the lights on. It was like, re-re-re-re-e.

You know, just red everywhere. That is quite a ruse, this lady pulled. But here's the clinker. So we bang all night and it's bloody. And I get up to go to work. I have to go to work the next day. because I slept their house, I'll get the hangover from the wine. Now I'm covered in blood.

I went from being smelly to finally getting clean after two weeks, and then now I'm covered in DNA. Well, you've got to borrow the shower again and say, hey, take me back through the knobs and the whistles. It's almost like if you give a mouse a cookie. Remember that book? No. Oh, that was a classic.

You know it, Lex. Is that Steinbeck? If you give a mouse a cookie, if you give him a mouse because it's a mouse in the house, if you give him a cookie, he's going to get crumbs, and now he needs a glass of milk because he's thirsty, after he has thirsty, he's got to take a piss. So if he takes a piss, he needs a toilet, so then he wants a napkin, yada, yada, yada.

It goes on and on. It's a metaphor for welfare. Got it. The book ends with now he's after that he's going to want a cookie. Got it. I think it's nap, and then wake up, breakfast. It's a classic kids book. Okay, great.

But it's a big loop. So that's you. You fuck the girl in the blood. You fall asleep. You wake up, you get blood. Now the boy needs a shower. If you give a boy a shower. There you go.

Well, you teach a man to fuck. You feed him. for a week. Exactly. You teach a man to eat pussy. You feed them for a couple minutes. That's true. It's not very filling.

Well, it depends on if she's a squirder. Ah, true. Then you're hydrating. That is a frustrating thing. The difference between men and women. You blow me. You get a little fulfillment. You get a little nourishment.

I get a little treat, a little after-dinner mint. You're getting calories. I'm getting nothing. I'm fasting. Good point. I'm fast, too, but. Hey, blow me. And, you know, you get a couple calories in there.

But I don't think they want the cow. You see, a lot of girls going, Buh. Some spit it out. But, uh, But, yeah, if a girl's squirting, I'm like that, I'm like a boy in a fountain. All I want is to be squirted.

I want a reverse Bukaki in the worst way. I want 12 Middle Eastern women to fucking just piss in my eye. Speaking of a smelly. But, all right. But you know, I was thinking about your smelly thing. Why is it ever good? Smelly thing. Yeah, you were like,

smelly is always bad. Oh, yeah. Yeah. smell really good and that's smelly too. Oh yeah. It's smelly in here. I was in the shower thinking about that with a boner. Hey, thanks. I kind of forgot about it. That's something. Maybe I'll dust it off. I'm going to Calgary

this weekend. Hey, what's the deal with Smelly? There's 45 minutes in there, I guarantee you. Smelly's always bad. And trash smells like trash. Can we talk about this? Huh? No. Trash Has a smell. Sure. But it's all different ingredients.

I've never been talking about this one since I was six. Why does trash smell like trash? That's good. You throw a banana in there, a dirty diaper. Whatever, it comes together and smells like, if I say this thing smells like trash, you know the smell. That's interesting. So how does that happen? Great point.

What's the deal with trash? Yes, yes, garbage smell. You're right. It smells like trash in here. We should ask a garbage man. He might know that because they're dealing with garbage every day. I don't think they know things. All right.

I think you've got to ask a scientist. No, I had a garbage man. And I'm not even more. Yeah, maybe you're right. I had a garbage thought the other day I want to run by you. Lexus and Chambles. Oh, really? That's a smart move because you're getting the whiff of the Stogey.

Yeah, I always want to buy some of that white cream that put like sounds of the lambs. I can give me some white cream. And I go down on my wife. You come on my upper lip, then I eat her out, and then I don't smell anything, and she maybe, you know. Everybody wins. Yeah. There you go. I always thought, too, if a guy passed out and I dipped in my lady's clam and I did one of these, I think he'd wake up.

I'll take a nap if you want to try. All right, let's do it. And I'm not saying her. I'm saying any lady, by the way. Oh, damn, all right. All right. Garbage thought. Garbage men, you always hear garbage men.

New segment. I always thought, garbage men, you always hear, you know, they're paid very well. You know, those guys make a lot of money. And I thought, well, of course they do. Because if you have a garbage strike, you're going to need them. You're going to pay whatever they want because you don't want that garbage piles up. Your whole city's ruined. Right.

That happened in 77. There you go. The big garbage strike. They could pretty much ask for like half a mill a year and I think they would almost get it. It's a great point because, yeah, that's the ultimate strike is like, all right, well, here's your wet trash on the sidewalk. Yeah, if they do a bus strike, like, all right, I'll figure it out. I'll get to work. But a garbage strike, the whole city's in ruin.

You got a great point? I have a point. Yeah, and by the way, even if they don't strike, they should be paid well. They're pulling our garbage out. Of course. Crazy.

Yeah, we need them. It's kind of like when people used to be like, I don't know if you had this, there'd be people like in the street at red lights asking for money. And then my family, people, this is like a classic thing. Be like, yeah, look at he's wearing fucking $80 sneakers. Oh, yeah.

Like, well, even if he is, his job is still standing on a hot street. Sure. Asking for money. It's not a fun gig. I try to do this is a bit when I first started. Yeah, I don't just give him money. Look at him.

I'm like, he's making, even if he was making 80 grand a year, he's doing it 30 cents at a time all day or night on the street? That's not a great living. But I think the argument is you're going to give him your buck and he's going to buy new shoes with it. Right. Well, he already has new shoes according to them. I guess he's getting new glasses or something. He's going to buy. He's bad with money, is the point.

Like, why am I buying his outfit? I guess so. My point is just, obviously, he's in the structure. It's not going great. Sure. If he's like, man, I make 75K a year. I mean, I have to walk up and down the street begging for money. Right.

And they never look, they're never like in a suit. They look like they've been, you know, raped twice. Yeah, oh, yeah. Well, there's always that one, delete that. There's always that one guy. We used to go to Jack in the Box when I was in college when we were drunk. We'd pull in the drive-thru at 4 a.m. And Jack at the Box, it was a line around the block because there was a bunch of drunk college kids.

But there would be a hobo who would hit the drive-thru. hit every window of every car. And there was always that one guy in the car goes, that guy's making more a year than me. That's what I'm talking about. And you're like, well, he is, let me defend hobos on this one. You know, you see the old Asian lady with 700 bags of cans.

Of course, cans. And you're like, And there's always that one guy who goes, why don't I just get a job? This is so much work. You'd actually be better off just getting a job in air conditioning. And I go, I see what you're saying. But I agree with the can lady.

because she, even though that's a lot of work and she's sweating out in the sun with 800 cans on her back, there's no obligations. She doesn't have to get up and go, I got to get those cans by eight. Or I got to go to this play. I got to commute. It's just on her time. Right. So there is that.

Well, also, and I know a person that says stuff like this all the time, I'm like, I imagine she exhausted some other options before she started being like, let me get a long stick and fill it with trash. I don't know. I don't know. I imagine she'd walked in a few places with a resume. You think? I don't know. I've seen these bronze. They look like Miyagi in a fistfight.

They visit a tooth. There's probably a language barrier. Maybe they're not educated. They go, hey, I'm not going to do the accent. It's a little offensive. But they probably say, hey. You're not going to do the accent? What year is it?

I don't know of a new leaf. Thank you. I think it's a reef. I think it's reef. But yeah, I get you. I get you. But anyway. Anywho, but you can't say these people are lazy because maybe she's working harder than a fucking data entry clerk.

There was an HBO short doc called Redemption. You ever watch that? It's pretty good. It's like 12 minutes or 20 minutes about the people in New York that collect the things. 12 minutes. It was fascinating. Maybe it's 30. I don't know.

Quick doc. Maybe it's 40. I have no idea. Don't quote me on the time. But it was short. Okay. Well, hey, we got to get in this. I cut you off at one point.

I'd love to hear what you were going to say. But I went all of that teacher fucking story. I had no idea. What the hell we talk about? Oh, you were saying it's fun of bang a librarian because you get to see the... Oh, boy. Good recall.

Thank you. Total. That's the whole attraction. The exciting thing about sex, especially with like a wife that you're like, you know, you see them out and about. They're going, oh, hi, nice to meet you, whatever. And then you see them with their ankles over their head going, fuck me twice and pretend you're my dad.

That's the fun. Well, I knew a guy growing up who was like the Casanova. You know, he'd be just like Will Chamberlainty. He's like, I fucked 9,000 women. and he always said the quiet ones are the filthiest. Because they got to get it out. They get it out in the bedroom. Right.

Right. Right. Right. The freak in the sheets or whatever the hell. Yeah. Lady in the streets, whatever the thing is. Dr. Bates. I think they're doing construction.

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I just saw you somewhere. Where the hell was that? Where was that? We just talked on the phone. We talked on the phone. Where did I see you, though? Uh, your dreams? I don't know, but, uh, the World Cup is in town, and I am loving it. I did the seller last night. I was walking around. Every bar is full. Every table is taken out in the sidewalk. These big mother.

of beer. I see guys in kilts. I see guys in, like, like, I saw three Italian guys hit on a couple of hot chicks in the village. Well, do you hear about Boston with the Scots? I heard. They took all the beer. They drank them out of beer. My uncle Dale called me, and he's like, I wish you could relapse for a day. We got to get in there. How great is that? I'm sorry. Thank you. You know, what's great about the World Cup is it's, it's like, you get the Dutch versus Nigerians, and the guys are blonde, and those guys are black as night. I like when people look like their country. Right.

You know, you go, hey, the New Orleans Saints, there's not one soul from New Orleans on that team. Those guys are fucking Dutch. Yeah. I love that. It's a good point. Well, here's what, may I be the counter to this? Uh-oh.

Here's the scores from Monday's World Cup. Four games. Okay. Spain versus Cape Verde. Zero, zero. Final. Ooh. Belgium, Egypt.

One-one. Final. That's like my report card. Saudi Arabia, Uruguay. 1-1, final. Iran, New Zealand, 2-2. No-fired. 12 hours of competition,

zero winners. No tie-breaker? This sport has a problem. It sucks! How do you not tie-breaker? It sucks! It's not a competition at that point. It's just a tie.

And they go, we tie. Cape Verdez jumping around. Nobody's scored. Can you imagine? What? By the way, I enjoy the World Cup. I love sports. But these people that only like soccer.

Oh, it's the number one sport in the world, But I'm talking about Americans. Oh, I hate basketball. I like soccer. I'm like, imagine you buy a $7,000 ticket. You get, just paint your face blue and you fucking put on your jersey and your business. You get your babysitter. You fly to New York.

You take a train. You get a hotel. Woo! Three hours, zero, zero. All right. Let's head home. The whole day, not a winner. Unreal.

It's fucking gay. And then there's no sudden death. get sudden death overtime. You have to have sudden death. How do we walk away with the time? Even in soccer, they go, okay, we're going to extra time. Here comes an extra 30 minutes.

You score five minutes in. Okay, 25 more minutes. It cuts it around. There should be a golden goal. Yes. Sudden death is big. The clock ticks up and they go, there's five minutes left. Then there's stoppage time in the stoppage time.

It's ridiculous. I know. We break it up a little. We got quarters. We got half time. These people just go all in. It's, uh, And you see that clock up there, 89 minutes, 96 minutes.

Like, God damn, that's daunting. And only one guy knows how much time's left. You're just kind of guessing, well, it could be over soon. Yeah, yeah. But you don't have, there's no buzzer beater. You can't have sudden death. You can't have a buzzer beater. It's ridiculous.

I mean, I still like the, not to mention all the flopping. It's crazy. I hate the flop. But this is my rant for many, many years. If you love soccer, you should at least like hockey. It's the same game, but faster, no diving, more goals, there's fighting, there's no out of bounds. Yes, more action, tighter, time limit. It's just like, it's so crazy to me, and I've been saying this for 30 years.

It's cultural. People that are like, I love soccer, I live for soccer. Football. Never seen it, I don't know, I know it's familiar. It's the same sport. They don't have it, though. It's like cricket. We don't watch cricket.

We don't have it. I'm talking about Americans. Oh, I'm Americans. Oh, I see. Yeah, that is crazy. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I'm like, plop on a hockey game. Yeah, well, you're talking to a guy from the deep south. There was not a hockey stick in my life until 1988 or 1999, I should say. But a soccer ball, everybody has kicked a soccer ball of retarded kid, black kid, white kid, all soccer. Right. So I think they get it. It's a relation to it. I guess so, but I'm just saying, like, I never watched fucking pickleball didn't exist. I still like pickleball.

That's true, but you played it. Later on in life, I played it. That's what I like, I mean. But I also, we didn't have, I didn't watch tennis once when I was growing up. There was no tennis courts in Whitman. We didn't play tennis. Right. I love it because I'm an adult and I find things and they listen to them.

I like tennis too. You know, when I was nine, no one was singing hip-hop in my fucking house. But I went out, let me check out some of this. Oh, this is pretty good. There's some N-words, I'm sure. Yeah, it's a good point. But you know what I mean? Like, you can find other things.

and if you love this sport, why not look for another sport? No, you're not wrong. It's just crazy to have four matches that all end in ties. That is gross. It's just embarrassing. Appalling and a big waste of time, frankly. The flight, the thing, they go there. By the way, how about the Japanese?

They showed the U.S. winning and how we react, and then they showed how the Japanese react after their game. You know what's a trend over there? They pick up the garbage. Oh, really? In the stadium. After the match, they pick up garbage. and put in bags and leave.

That's neat. And that's like their fun time. Fun time. All yes and deed is fun time. They're a wacky people. They're very honorable. No, I say all this. I still watch all the fucking matches.

I still like it, but it's just, it's just crazy to me. And then don't get me started on penalty kicks, which is the gayest thing of all time. Just play it until somebody scores. Yeah. Well, I just, I haven't watched the game. I see it in the bars. Oh, the score's 2-1. I'll see it later.

But I like seeing the stereotypes. The Scots are out drinking Boston. The Italians are hitting on the ladies. It's so fun to see all the groups come in. And then they're blown away by America. They're like, chips and salsa at a restaurant. They put it on the table. We haven't been ordered yet.

Like, they're blown away. Some German guys are like, we got chips and salsa. Yeah, it's fun. It's fun to be the hoes. It's fun to be the big city. I mean, it's also annoying because I'm in a tourist area. So there's just 300 people in like Spain jersey's being like, sco-l-l-l-mo-l-l-l-l-l.

I'm like, just get out of my way, you cucks. I know. But it is exciting. And Spain, by the way, it's like the favorite. the whole thing. They didn't score a goal against Cape Verde. I'm like, how does this happen? I've never heard of Cape Verde. I think it's the sequel to Cape Fear. Now, who invented it's Green Cape? Who invented soccer? Take a guess. Wild, wild. Just throw it. Gotta be the Mayans or something kicking a skull around. Something like that. I didn't go back that far. By the way, great Jimmy Dunn.

You know the Boston comic Jimmy Dunn? He's got a great bit about, he's like, doesn't it feel like soccer was invented by a hungover gym teacher. He's like, oh, guys. All right, all right. Just put that goal over there, then put the other one way down there, and you've got to get it in there. And I don't know.

You can't use your hands. It's very funny. I love jokes like that, where you have to make up a thing. And you can't use your hands. That's great. Anyways, I'm saying the Mayans, they kicked around a skull,

the calendar, and they fell down the hill. I don't know. I might go Brazil. Now, Brazil came around. That's only been around since the 80s, I think. Oh, I guess you're right. All right, all right. Maybe.

They haven't won since 94, by the way. Is that right? I think Brazil. I think soccer. I know. Long drop. Well, they've won the most, but they haven't won since the 50s. Well, who was Pelee?

Pele. Where was he out of? Argentine? I've been Argentine. Either Brazil, Argentina, Mexico, or Spain. He's a man of color. I know that. Pele.

He was black. Cute little guy. Yeah, Pele. I know it's South the mayor, I think. All right. Well, Messi's Argentina. That's true. He's big.

I feel like Pele is too black to be Argentinians. Brazil? Oh. Yeah, Brazil's interesting because I think they have like dark people and then light people. Yeah, they do. They're all... Do they speak Portuguese? Well, I think the Nazis dicked around out there.

Then they got some black stuff from... Like my nanny is Gaienese, but she sounds like an Indian lady. So I go, how'd that happen? She goes, well, a bunch of... A bunch of Brits moved there and had Indian slaves, and then eventually the Brits hit the road, and the slaves just hung out and started a life. Right. Interesting. Indian slave. How about that? Yeah. Thank you very much. Well, anyway, so who invented the soccer match? Oh, I was way off. 1863. Oh, I thought that was like from the 1200s. Yeah, you'd think. Ah, ancient Greece. Wow, so it is European.

Oh, China. Oh, China. Oh, okay. Oh, you gotta love that. You gotta love a court on the cob morley. Wow, no kidding. I thought soccer had been around since the 12s or the 11s or whatever, but I guess kind of it has. I know lacrosse is Native American. That makes sense.

I believe. And they had the, there was a bottom to the basket. It was like, fucking 300 years before someone was like, why don't we just cut this bottom part out? Yeah, we don't have to fish. Which is the funniest thing ever. They put it in and be like, there we go. That could be a bit. And then someone was like, that's funny.

Maybe that's been done somewhere, I'm sure. Well, speaking of basketball, can I just say this about the Knicks and then you can kick me in the balls? Yeah, please. Amazing win, blah, blah, blah. It was in L.A. in a green room celebrating like a chooch. And I have to watch Sam and Stavros go out on Broadway and high five everybody. Yeah. Well, you're a long-suffering Knicks fan.

Yeah, the phone ball. Been through it all. Well, like a party. Ups and downs. But I wouldn't look good for the party. So what's great about the Knicks is, obviously, there's a lot of layers. You know, you got the Spike Lee's. You got the 53 years.

You got the Trump showing up. The Mabonis. The Dolan, the Shalamooz, the whole thing. Jalen Brunson, Jew wife, Villanova. There's so many moving parts, which is great. Like this Jewish wife is in there. Oh, I threw her in. That was big.

That's all I was thinking about. That's it. The pay cut, the dad is an assistant coach, Rick, whatever. So then all that is great. But they win. The city gets lit on fire. Whatever. Nobody ruined it.

this is one of the last things in the last eight years that no one has ruined. Like, you know, basketball is actually a Native American game, so this is kind of appropriation. Or the Knickerbockers comes from a Dutch term, which is actually kind of racist from back a day. Or, you know, not a lot of women involved. It's all men. Where are the women? It feels a little messiah. None of that.

I mean, people even were beat up at five guys. There was a shooting in Times Square, but nobody complained about some problematic thing. And it's the first time in year. The roast is offensive. The hockey game with the Olympics, they called Trump and laughed at them. You know, there's always some thing that's a problem. Right. And I didn't see one inkling of that.

I saw one lady on threads. She goes, this is all because of capitalism. We need to start. And everybody wrote, shut the fuck up, kill yourself, blow me, I'm a capitalist. I hate your mom. Whatever. Yeah. And the funny thing is, this is just how life used to be.

Right. Like in the 90s when, you know, something cool would happen. We'd all go, hey! And then we'd go to work. Right. Just saying it was nice to, we had to take in the fact that nothing was ruined. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, whoever got shot and stabbed probably was bummed out.

But I'll take a little of that. You've got to bring a few eggs. Yeah, you've got to beat a few guys. Yeah, you got five guys. No, it was fine. The whole thing was very fun. I mean, I'm glad it's over. I got fucking annihilated because I was at Governor's Saturday night.

You got drunk? So they, no, they condensed from two shows to one show, which was fun, because I had, like, you know, 11 tickets. Then I had this thing, the owner, comes in, he's like, I'm just going to call, there was a group of 19, shows at 7 o'clock. They call it 6.15, and they go, hey, yeah, we want our money back to the Knicks game. And he's like, well, yeah, no, you can't get your money back. Right. And they're like, what are you talking about?

We're not coming. Right. How about these people? He's like, well, you bought tickets. And they go, well, it's crazy. You're not going to give us our money back, and the Knicks are in the finals. And he's like, I don't understand. Like, you bought the tickets.

Awesome. By the way, the show's at 7. The game starts at 830. The show literally ended at 834. Good point. Like, go watch the game. Yes. But they go, how is this possible?

I'm a loyal fan. I come there all the time. I'm a regular guest at the club. I need my money, but it's like $1,000. He's like, right, it's like $1,000. Yeah. And they go back and forth. He goes, well, I'm going to fight the charges.

I'm not paying this charge. And he goes, well, you can fight it. You're going to lose. Yeah. You made reservations. Imagine doing that with a movie. Hey, we bought movie tickets. We're not coming.

Or a concert. Hey, Metallica, my spray my ankle. Right. Can you just shoot that money back on? my card? It's like one of the craziest things I've ever heard. That's insane. The theater. I'm going to see Wolf a Wallster or whatever. Morphine. What's that fucking stupid show? Mormon. The Book of Mormon. Hey, I got ten tickets and I'm a little sleepy, so just give me back my eight grand. Can you imagine the fucking mindset of all? But we're not coming. It's like going

to a restaurant and being like, I'll have a chicken bar, my sister's ass, and a steak, and then being like, oh, I'm not too hungry. I had a hot dog. It's like, you ordered it. You bought the tickets. But I love James. He's like a mobster. He's like, okay, fight the charges. You made the reservation five weeks ago. Right.

Obviously, you would have argued it before this. Is there a statute? Could you hit it at a certain point where it's allowed to get your money back? I think maybe within an hour, you could be like, hey, someone stole my credit card and bought 19 tickets to stupid Joe list. That's one way to do it. I don't think three weeks later, you can be like, oh, we changed our mind. I'm not in the mood.

So how was the show? The show was okay. Friday night was great. Saturday was tough sledding. I mean, it was pockets because it just became must-seat. Even non-basketball fans were like, oh, we got to see this, that whole thing. Well, at least you got an excuse. You know, sometimes you do a show and there's eight people there and you're like, well, I suck.

This is the Knicks. I'm in Calgary this weekend. It must be the Stanley Cup final or something because they ain't nobody coming to that. Damn, that's a tough market. But anyways, yeah, it was fun. I mean, it was hard for me because I have a bar directly across the street. and I stream the cable. It's on a streamy business.

So it was a three-second delay. So I had to watch all the games at home with music blasting. I had like Sonny Rollins blasting because, you know, someone's drilled out the court, and you hear like, ah! So it fucked me. But it was fun. Everyone was out in front of my house afterwards.

It was cool. Did you go? Did you get to see the melee and all that? I mean, just the one in my neighborhood. There was like 300 people in the bar across the street. Wow. And so I got video of everyone running around the streets, which was fun. But, you know, I'm from Boston.

We win championships every six months. Sure. Yeah, it's 53 years we're talking here. Pretty exciting. But, yeah, so that was fun. And let me see. I got something else. Oh, how about this?

Speaking of Boston in sports. Hit me, fanny. This one hurts. Uh-oh. This is one of those ones that you just want, you just have to accept and move on because it makes you want to eat your own cum. I can't take it.

Carmelo Anthony. Well, so Monday night, two nights ago, the night of Ari's big, going away party that he was saying you were coming to that you didn't go to it. Yeah, I'm going to see him after this. He was like, yeah, Mark's coming and I was like, oh, all right, great. But what are you going to do? So anyways, it was his big going away, Legion of Skanks, the whole thing.

Well, we filmed him for the Skank Fest podcast. Good, good way to get him. He was the only one we couldn't get. We were going to go to Peru to see him. And then he kept, he had something, we had something. It wasn't working out. So literally his second to last day, he's got you. His second to last day, has it only been 30 minutes? I feel like we've almost an hour in here.

Yeah, I thought so too. That's crazy. Anyway, so... Yeah, that makes sense. He's going away, so I'm like, all right, we got to film you, which was awesome because he had his Legion of Skagic suit on. He came. He brought a cigar.

It was fun. Perfect. We film him. Green room? Green room at the stand, which is a beautiful green room. Sal Volcano shows up. Ranazizi comes in. Big Jay, Lewis, who got pulled over on the way to the show.

Nilarious. And I think Shane showed up later. Big hang, big power. We love Ari, blah, blah, blah. We'll be back in six months, I'm sure of it. So then I go, all right, I'm skirting out. I'm going to go home, try to fuck my wife and pretend I'm somebody else. And I'll see you guys later.

Jump on a city bike. I got my helmet now. I got my Boston Red Sox baseball cap that I love. I take it off. I put it in the little basket. Put my helmet on. Safety first. R. IP, Kenny DeForest.

We miss you. Yeah, Kenny. Put on the helmet. Put the hat in the basket. Now there's no electric bikes. You prefer an electric bike because you're you prefer an electric bike because you. you can fucking zip. Love a e-bike.

And Sarah has got something to do. So she's like, you've got to get home, alleviate me, so I can go. And I go, all right, I'll bike home. But they got no electric, so it's going to take me a few extra minutes. Yes, yes. So I'm riding the city bike with my helmet, hat on the swivel. I pull up, I go up a couple blocks. I see more city bikes, electric bikes.

Ah, the old Swippy Swapping. So I Swippy Swapping. I pull in, close that one in. Boop, your ride is ended. I go over to the electric. I remember my hat. I go, oh, my hat's in the basket. I got to remember my hat.

Take the hat off. Oh, God, I'm nervous. Bring it over to the next hat. I get on the electric bike. I tie it up to the little basket. I take this bike out. Boop, beep, beep, boop. Doesn't work.

Boop boop boop. Doesn't work. What the fuck's going on here? Can't get this motherfucker to work. It happens. Scoop. Like, ah, shit. All right.

Well, there's one other electric bike over there. Got to remember my hat. Oh, wait, I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I forgot my hat. Okay. I go over, I go, I'll get this bike. This bike's better anyway.

Oh, you know what it was? Sorry. This one only had two miles on it because it's electric. So it tells you how many miles are left the electric. You know, from fucking Andrew Youngblood's car. Right, right. But how much do you need? How far are you going?

Well, I'm right around two miles here. Okay. So I'm like, well, I'll get the other one just in case. It's got 10 miles. So I get on that one. Leave my hat of the electric bike. Get on this electric bike. I go up the street.

I'm up the street. I'm talking 60 yards. And I go, oh, shit, my hat. Turn around. As I turn around, there's two guys zipping by on bikes. And I'm like, there's no way. I go back, bike's gone. He took the bike with my hat on it.

And once somebody leaves, there's no finding them. You could chase? I tried to chase, but he's on electric bike. I'm on electric bike. He's got a four minute head start because there was one bike left that. I was like, this must be the bike with the hat. Yes, Chase Bank. So I go, no hat, and I'm like, I think that was him.

So I watched a guy right away with my hat. That is painful. And then you just got to turn around and you go, all right. Except. No hat. And it's all because I wanted to get home to let my wife leave, and I switched the bikes twice. Ah. So suck me sideways.

Worst way to lose a hat. I know. You're like, fuck. I saw it go by. The guy rode by with it. That hurts. It makes you feel. better. When I was a kid, my bike would get stolen all the time. Christmas morning. My parents

bought me a new bike. It got stolen. Christmas Eve. This is going to make me feel better. Out of my house. And me and my dad are in the front lawn on Christmas morning going, I guess your bike got stolen. I'm so sorry. I bought your new bike. Kid rise by on my bike. And it was a, as a kid, you're like, this is unbelievably cruel. Christmas. That's terrible. And my dad was like, yeah. Did he get in the car and go, you know, beat him? them to death? Nah, because we had people over, like my grandparents were there.

I don't know what happened, but then you can't beat a kid anymore times of change. Well, back then. Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, especially if... It's a racial component. But, uh, fucking Asian kids.

But if it makes you feel any better, I got one more. At least you can re-buy that hat. Oh, I'll go to get another hat. I had to go in the closet, bust out the old dusty pats hat. Oh, Patty. Yeah, well, I, since I got called Fonzie on stage,

I bought a new jacket. You got rid of the leather. Well, I have it, but it's locked behind glass. That's probably the best idea, yeah. Yeah, so I was like, let me get a nice jacket, like a nice normal jacket. As a comic, you want a jacket where you walk into a room and nobody notices, but it's still a nice jacket. Sure. It's a teetering fine line there.

Cool jacket, but not like a, oh, look at this guy. Exactly, exactly. You get it. I hate the look at this guy. Hate the guy. So I buy a cool vintage jacket. This is vintage, but not too cool. Just a vintage jacket, very me.

looks good. I buy it. A couple hundred clams. eBay. eBay. I love eBay. I'm still the, I'm the only guy on eBay still. I don't know eBay was around. eBay is E gay. Wow. E-may. E-bike. So, uh, I buy the jacket. Email. I go to, uh, E-female. I go to, uh, E.T. Phone home. Hey, they can phone home. I never thought email and she-mail rhyme. The future is email. Also, you know what else is crazy? And I know this is, I'm late on this, but it's insane when you write it out.

Therapist is just the rapist. It's crazy. It's wild. Alan is the rapist. Yeah. Oh, do you know Elon Altman's got that great joke where his favorite restaurant is Han Dynasty? So he gets the bill on the credit card. His wife goes, what the hell's handy, nasty?

That's a great joke. It's a great joke. And he goes, oh, wait. She texts him, what's Handy Nasty? So he reads it as Han Dynasty, he goes, oh, it's a great Asian spot. So the big goes, it goes, and she goes, what are you doing over there? You spend all this money. He goes, I go there all the time.

And it just gets a perfect joke. That's great. And then she goes, how did you hear it sucked? That's hilarious. She goes, how did you hear about this place? He goes, your dad told me. That's the big ending. That's a great thing.

That's terrific. Andy Nasty. That's good. Oh, you love what a gift just, just sitting there's a comedy gift. All right. I'm going to unblock you. That's good stuff. So that's the only joke he has, so I feel like I just gave it away.

But what was I saying? Oh, so I buy the vintage jacket on eBay. And so it goes, it goes, it'll be here. I go to California. I come back, and it says delivery on Monday. I love that tracking. Do you love the tracking? You see, ooh, when it's coming, where it's coming on my face.

I got excited about the tracking. I like tracking. The pizza tracking's a little fat. So that I like. Oh, the pizza is. eight minutes away. Pizza, I like it's in the oven. They're doing the quality check, guys.

They're checking the quality. Did they do that with the Jews? It's in the oven. Oh, all right. Jesus Christ. Sorry. Easy bake oven. So I go to the tracking.

It'll be here Monday. Woo! Jesus. No, I go, all right, this is exciting. Monday comes around, says delivered. I go, ah! I run outside. It's a little late because you know you get the email a little late.

Like my email isn't pop up. I have to go to my email. Then they pop up. up. She mail. There you go. That makes me pop up. Yeah. Future she mail. So I go, delivered. I go outside, nothing there. I go, ah, did it get stolen? Damn it. Stolen. So I don't know what to do because Amazon, something gets sold. You go, hey, Amazon, it never came. And they go, we'll resend you. This is a vintage jacket. It's one of a million. One of a kind. Opposite of one of a million. So I emailed a million. Yes. So I email the seller.

and I go, hey, comedy seller. And I go, hey, never got the jacket. And he goes, well, it says delivered. And I'm like, well, never got it. I was home all day doing that whole thing. And he goes, I don't have to tell you. I sent it. And it says delivered.

So my job here is done. And I was like, well, where'd you send it? And he goes to the address that's on your eBay profile. And I go, what's the address? My old address on 10th Street, lunch stuff studio is original. So I go, oh, shit. Okay, I'll be right. back. I hightail it over to 10th Street. Then you got to do the thing where you're like,

beep, beep, I'm hitting all the buttons trying to get in the door because it's locked. And I can see all the package is in there in the hallway. So I'm like, and it's one of these face screens, you know, that shows your face. And I'm like, uh, Kelly Blue Book. And she's like, hello? And I'm like, uh, I'm here to pick up a package. I used to live here. Here's my ID. And she's like, ugh. And she hangs up. So then I'm like, hey. And you never realize how serial killer you look when you're the guy trying to get into a building. Right. And so eventually I hit the guy where I used to live.

I go, boop, boop, boop, number four. I was a you to four. And he answers and he lets me in. And he comes out of the door and he's like, can I help you? And I'm like, hey, I got a package delivered here. Here's my idea. I swear to God, I used to live in that apartment. He's like, oh, yeah, I guess I bought your apartment.

I'm like, hey, how about that? And he goes, you're a comedian? I go, yeah, I'm a comedian, whatever. And he goes, no packages here, but you're welcome to look around. I look around. Not there. Stolen. What?

Stolen from there. This is where your house was broken into. Exactly. So I go, ah, double stolen kind of feeling. You know, you're like, oh, I had hope. And then that was gone. So I go, all right, fuck it. He goes, well, you want to give me your number or your email.

Maybe I'll find it. Maybe it's in another apartment. I go, all right, sure, whatever. That never works. Two days later, I get an email. And the guy goes, it was in my apartment. I guess I grabbed it and put it in because it, you know, had my address on it.

Right. And I was like, oh, all right. And I went by and I got it. Oh, nice. So I got it. This is like the laundromat, Seinfeld. He probably wore it to a fucking cocktail bar. You got to find a movie ticket in there.

I think so, because it was in an Amazon box, and it was a little disheveled. Ah, he retaped. He retaped. I think he wore it and said, hey, I'm wearing John Boyd's jacket over here. I think you're right. I think you're right. Saw some cinema, came back, stuffed it back in, taped it up. Did you message the original, the seller guy and say, hey.

I got it. I didn't, but I gave him a good review. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't want to talk to him. That's pretty good. But I gave him a good review, five stars. He killed it, very efficient, blah, blah, blah. And I changed my address. But the guy looked exactly like me. No kidding. Yeah. So it was weird. He popped out. And I was like, well, you're in my apartment. It was like, bizarre oh, I'd like to hang out with this guy. I know. He's a good egg. So what, I got to get into eBay, because I used to buy, I had the Bill Cosby 50 and funny and filthy

rich Time magazine. I got off eBay. Oh, there you go. I had to take it down because evidently he's a serial rapist. Did you hear about this? Not me. He's sitting loud and proud right there. Well, you know, what are you going to do? This is a basement at least. Sure. But I didn't have to take it down. I was autographed, too.

Oh, you got to put that up, baby. I'll put it back up. Well, we don't have a lot of space, but... All right. He's rapy. What are you going to do? Yeah, it might help you sleep. That's true. So, anyway, so maybe I'll get involved in eBay again, because I had some great old stuff I got on eBay.

eBay's big. memorabilia, old shit, antiques, right to the house. No kidding. And they want to have a good review. It's like an Uber driver. They want to do well, so they're on it. That's their business, yeah. Exactamundo.

Let me see, I think I had another thing here that might be of interest to somebody. I got a bunch of stuff. Oh, okay. Then go ahead. All right, all right. Well, let me just say I did Irvine Improv. And, you know, flying with the baby cross-country is a whole other bag of jizz. Yeah.

Uh-oh. I wonder if we could hear that. I don't know. Could you hear it? No. Sorry, guys. So I did a thing where I bought the kid his own seat. Yeah?

And we took the whole three row. That's the way to go. Well, soon you'll have to do that anyways. True. But it was night and day better. He sat down. He couldn't be more excited. I have a video of him standing up, turning around and going, hi.

Hi. Hi. The guy behind him. And he's playing with the TV. I got the headphones in, but his ears are too small. I gave him snacks. He loved it. Yeah.

I think most of these kids that are screaming on the airplane, their parents are assholes probably. What? I don't know. My kids never made a noise on the plane. Is that right? We fly 60 times. I think a lot of these people, they get put cigarettes out on them or something's going on. I don't know.

Maybe they got inner ear problems. I don't know what happens. My kids run it up and down the aisles and I let him run it out. But he's not screaming. No, not really. He'll cry and be like, eh, he's uncomfortable. He'll give a moan. But not really like a whale.

No whale. No whale. Yes, the squid and the whale. The white whale. So, the whalers. So. Now the hurricanes who just won the cup. And can I just say?

Oh, that's right. Raleigh. I could rally. So we get there, six-hour flight. You land. You got the baby. You got to get on a shuttle. Then the rental.

Then the line at the rental. Then they go, you want gas? No. No. Do you have insurance? Yes. Then they go, okay, you're in spot G4, go down to the garage. There's a line in the garage. And you're like, this kid is going, what is this? What are we, what am I in a gulag? What's going on? Can I move? Can I walk? Because we got him in the stroller so he stays put. He'll just run through that garage, get by a Jeep.

So finally we get the car. Then we're going to Orange County, so it's an hour and a half in the car. So it's like, what the fuck are we doing? This kid's going, This is hell. I go, welcome to the road. I know. So finally we get to the hotel and the kid's like, oh, oh, he's road hard, put away wet. And I got to say, I was texting throughout the whole thing. It's all worth it. We got on that pool. You gain the three hours. So now it's like three o'clock over there, even though we left the crackage is. And we get the pool time. And you get to eat by the pool.

You know, you order at the pool. No better feeling than ordering by the pool. Love the pool. I live in the pool. live in the pool, and I got the night off, so we went a day early. So I'm having a cocktail, the sun is setting, the boy is happy. It's just a great time. And OC is exactly what you want it to be. Because L.A. is all crazy, the hobos, the fentanyl, Karen Bass, the fires, whatever you want to call it. But the O.C., you got the guy, the hot guy with the surfboard walking by, you got the hot girl on roller skates going. You got the hobo with the boombox, who's all kooky with the beer and the dreadlocks and weird colors and robes. It's just everything you want.

I love it there. Southern California, Colin Quinn said it, the most beautiful place on earth. It really is. I mean, Southern California is better than anywhere on the earth. It's pretty great. It's 72. Lex, you know, it's 72 degrees. It's got a nice breeze. Yes. That rhymes. You got the, oh, shit. I mean, San Diego. Laguna, Santa Barbara, Los Angeles, Manhattan Beach, all over Manhattan. That was confusing as a kid. That's true. I thought they meant New York City.

That's a weird jump. But that's the thing is we come from New York, so we earn this. We got hobos. We're stepping over. Pigeons are cutting us with knives. It's Puerto Ricans out here, Hasidic Jews. And you get there and you're like, oh, my God, your blood pressure goes down. Everything is just regulated.

You're like, I can't believe people live like this. It's awesome. It's a dream. You have mountains and mountains and ocean and sun. Yeah, and snow up top. They can ski in Northern Cal. It's just the greatest. Now, do you think maybe pound for pound the best state?

Well, I have my top five states. I've talked about this before. I got California, Washington, New York, Massachusetts, Maine. Those are my top five states. Oh, weird. But New York and California are the number one and number two, best states as far as things to offer.

Now, we could get deeper into taxes and whatever. Yeah, because Florida's up there, I would say. Whoa! Florida's awesome. You're out of your fucking mind. Well, you got all the beaches, plus you got the panhandle,

and there's a little more freedom down there. You can get crazy. There's weirdos. There's Jews, Cubans, old people, Hulk Hogan, and Carol Baskin. A lot of those are negatives. I don't understand the freedom thing exactly. I don't know what.

Can't I do in New York that I can do in Florida? Buy a gun? Well, I don't need a gun. I don't want a gun. I'm just saying. Well, I'm listing something. Oh, okay. I mean, that's not like, oh, this is the best place.

I don't need a gun either. I'm not a gun guy. Yeah, so that's not an argument. I mean, Florida's flat, mosquitoes, hot, humid. Florida, compared to Southern California, is like comparing Michael Jordan and fucking, you know. Yeah, Brian Scalibranian. Nice bull. I was going to say George Went.

So, yeah. Florida, to me, I'm like, get out of here with that. That's the gnats and the mosquitoes and the retards. I like Key West. The Everglades, they got like Miami, Tampa. They so suck. Miami's horrible. Miami's amazing.

I mean, it's not our cup of jizz, but for what it is. It's this beautiful beach with hot people and Art Deco and Palm Trees. I suppose, but I mean, we're talking our cups of tea here, aren't we? Okay, okay. Because, well, here's what I mean, like, there's no culture there. I mean, California, you have San Francisco. That's true. Maybe the crown jewel of the entire country.

One of the great cities in the world. You have rolling hills and mountains and trolley cars and art. What is that thing called? With everybody, the shrooms. It's a big of... Berkeley? No, no. It's like a forest camp kind of thing.

Not a camp. A park. Big sir. Big sir. There's another one. There's another one too. That's everybody. Joshua Tree.

Oh, the job. I love Joshua Tree. That's it. That's it. I mean, you have Joshua Tree, Laguna Beach, Pacific Palisades, Malibu. You have Hollywood movies and all that stuff, which is great. Santa Barbara Humboldt. I mean, San Diego, Coronado Beach, the tall trees there, the whatever the fuck they're

called, the big sequoias and the grand old opera, whatever the fuck it is. What are those called? The big fat, wide tree. Redwoods. Redwood. Redwood. Redwood. You got all that. The weather. I mean, there's just so much diversity. You have desert, ocean, mountains, snow, forest. You literally have forests and desert a day's trip away. I agree. I agree. I'm not saying it's the best state. But now, New York, you also have Lake George, the gold coast of Long Island. All the stuff you like in Florida they have in Long Island, I mean, only half the year. but you have the finger lakes are beautiful. Niagara Falls is insane. Hudson Valley is incredible. Beautiful. What's that where Woodstock was? Woodstock. That's the one.

Woodstock's amazing. Sogerties, all those Hudson Valley upstate kind of things. Western New York has a lot of great stuff. But yes, I do think California, it's just amazing. Pound for pound. Again, if you live there, I guess the taxes or whatever the fuck or to politics, I can see that. traffic, traffic sucks. Homeless, fires, earthquakes. But also, Washington State also has so much fucking amazing stuff. And Oregon is incredible, too, with the mountains and the forest and the ocean. Sure, sure.

All these coastal places that have deep, dark green forests. That's in Florida, it's hard to get, like, big mountains and rivers and waterfalls and all stuff. Montana's amazing with the mountains and the weather and everything, but you don't have the cool, culture. skyscrapers and all that shit. Yeah. You want the mix. You want the cities and the nature. Yeah. New York and California are so fucking spectacular. And Texas is great too. Let's not leave out

Texas. But you know, very hot, deserty, whatever. There's a lot of great stuff. Yeah. It's so big. Yeah. California. I mean, it's always weird when people name their and they're like, I hate California. I'm like, what are you fucking retarded? That's crazy. It's crazy. I get what they're saying, but it's a

silly argument. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, so just Had a great time. It's a great club, Irvine Improv. And there's the women there are so pretty, which is funny because it's like a sitcom. You know, I'm watching the O.C. I watch the Laguna Beach, and there they are. They're out here.

And I did a set, and I'm doing okay, but as a one lady with just crazy cleavage, beautiful woman, looked like Wonder Woman. Gorgeous lady brunette with giant cans in the front row, and she hated me. I'm doing okay, but she hated me. And I couldn't stop staring at her tits, and then I couldn't stop focusing. on how much you hated me. And then when a hot girl hates you, it hits you different. Yeah.

Because you want her to like you, but she hates me. And then you go back to high school and you can't get laid, whatever, small dick. So then she goes, can I just ask? In the middle of his, you know, show, I'm like, okay, what's up? She goes, why do you have a fake denim jacket, like kind of catty? Because I had a blue jacket. It's not denim, but she's like, why don't you have like a wannabe denim jacket? Why not just get a denim jacket?

And I'm like, what? Where's this coming from? I'm in the middle of talking about my life or my bit. I like the cut of her jib. That's very bold. Bold and cunty. The bold and the cunty. Great soap opera.

The hilarious thing. I'm just going to shout this out. Yeah. So I go, well, I don't know. I like the jag. It's not, I didn't want it to be denim. Now I'm having a conversation with this lady. This is during the show.

This is during the show. This isn't a meet and greet. No. Full house. 500 people, whatever. And I'm like, what? And people, you can hear people going like, shut up, bitch, woo. So they're on my side when I was like, I don't know, I like the jacket.

I don't want a denim jacket. This is a cloth jacket. And I was like, I appreciate your shirt, though. You got the cleavage out. And she's like, yeah, you damn right. And I go, I guess we're both wearing something fake because she had big fake tits. Oh, that's good. And the crowd went ape shit.

And I got one over on the hot rod. Yeah, fuck her. What a feeling. Yeah. Look, they were amazing. But, yeah, felt good. And then she had to be like, well, All right, all right, okay.

I had to earn her respect, which is not easy with a hot broad. Oh, that's nice. So she respected the Zing. She gave you a little... The crowd went so crazy that she had to secede. Well, not always have to, because sometimes you get the people that are like, fuck you and fuck all you, motherfuckers. That's true.

So I've got to tip my hat to this cooos. Good point. Good point. Big Coos. Because not everyone respects the Zing. Sometimes the better you Zing, the more angry they get. That's true. That's true.

She would have probably killed me if she saw me out. on the street. She was angry. She just drank you with the tits. Oh, what a way to go. So then, the next day, everybody's like, you got to go to Muts. You got to go to Muts. You ever heard of Muts? It's on the beach.

Bar. World Cup is in the air. You got to go to Muts. I don't know Muts. It's right in Newport Beach, right on the beach. Big bar, big open windows, and then they roll up, and everybody can sit out there and drink. And these people out Newport, they drink early. I don't know if you don't know Newport there, Lex.

They get after it. So I go, I guess we've got to go to Muts. me and the wife go. Must have got lost. And I walk in and somebody goes, I hear a guy go, I think that's Mark Norman. And I was like, oh, here we go. So I go, let's go sit in the backpack so we can tuck away. So I'm sitting in the back, just big wooden table with all these people around it.

We have a little corner of the big wooden table. And this guy comes up and goes, I don't want to make a scene, but hey, I'm a fan, love your stuff, Tuesday. It's all pipes. And I go, hey, thank you, man. Thank you. and then this lady next to me goes, oh, what do you do? And I was like, gay porn? And she goes, ugh.

I go, I'm just joking. I'm joking. And her husband's like, oh, I thought you were serious. And then she goes, what do you really do? I'm like, I'm a comedian. She goes, oh, great. You can entertain us. Have you had this?

I'm stuck there. I'm in the seat. You know, there's people who are right to me. people to the left to me, jokers to my right, whatever. And I'm like, oh, yeah, come on. And she goes, no, no, let's hear it. And she's from Minneapolis or something. And I'm like, ah, good one.

She goes, no, tell us a joke. And I'm like, I can't tell you. I got nothing. And she's like, some funny guy. And I'm like, I'm not at work. You do surgery. Do it right now. You know, it's the most classic.

This is why people don't tell you what they do. Yeah, do me a favor. We're a bunch of shit for free. Yeah, yeah. So she was furious. So we changed seats. Oh, God. We had to move.

This lady sucks. California sucks. She sucked. She sucked. She was from Minneapolis. But, yeah. She was like a classic Midwestern boring lady like, oh, oh, comedian here. Well, let's hear some yuck-em-ups, Dickless.

That's horrible. Those two girls should be shot to death. I know. And then she was mad at me because I left. And you could see her like, some comedian. well you want to be like yeah I'm with my family first of all I know shut the fuck up yeah yeah also go watch a clip how about this give me your number I'll send you a clip that's not bad go watch me on YouTube where I've done hours of stuff right it was very uh very demeaning just like oh great you're here all right well

hit it right jukebox and I'm like ah geez I got a full beer here and I had a burger yeah I don't care for this lady not one bit I don't care no I didn't I should have done that, but I didn't even want to, like, engage and go do it like a back and forth because she was not happy with anything until I was on the table shuck it and jiving. That's the great thing about having credit. That's what credits now actually are. It used to help you get a career, but now it's just to legitimize you with a person. Right.

I'm on the Tonight Show on YouTube. Yeah, nobody sees the set, but they go, oh, Tonight Show. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Great. So. So, yeah, fuck her. I got more, but we got to wrap it up. Yeah, we'll say, I got a bunch of stuff myself.

So the next couple weeks, by the way, I got it. I'm going on the road crazy. We're going to have to figure out some sketching. What are you got? Well, I'm going to Maine for a week for vacation and work. I'm going to Cleveland for a week for vacation and work. I'm going to where the hell else? Oh, Tacoma.

We're going upstate California. I'm playing in this minor league baseball game, which is crazy. I'm going to get in that bat, which is insane. That'll be in Tacoma for four days. Anyways, where am I? What day is it? No one knows. We don't know.

I think we're in July somewhere. July 3rd. We should have Lex Mike. He's howling that. I know. I love having you here. Chuck to stares at the phone. He hates us.

I don't fucking know where I'm at. You don't know what day you work. How often do you watch Kill Bill, Volume 2, the scene or part two, whatever it is? The scene with the strip club with Michael Madsen is one of the funniest scenes every. because you don't know what fucking day you work, that shit kicking at. It's one of the funniest scenes of all time. Oh, in the office? What are you trying to say?

I'm as useless as an asshole right here. It's amazing. It's fucking so funny. So good. Calendar time for buddy. Matt Wade and I just do it the whole time. You're not working. You don't know what fucking day you work.

Be somebody. I mean, it's a home run derby of great lines. Everyone's pause the show. Go pull up that scene. It is fucking unbelievable. Michael Madsen died. I had no idea he was Virginia Madsen's brother until he died. She's in Sideways.

She's hot. Oh, really? The brother and sister, I had no idea the whole time. Wow, I could see it, I guess. Yeah, I was like, Michael Madsen died. She's like, my beloved brother. I was like, what? Whoa.

Yeah, you learned something to every gay. Clown to the left of me. Jokers to the rain. My brother's did. So anyways, July 16th to the 18th, I'm in Tacoma. One of my favorite places, my home away from home. I'm finally back out there. You said, it's Spokane while you're out there.

I'm back. They have a club now? Oh, yeah, I'm going there in a week. I'm back in Portland. I'm going to the Pacific Northwest twice. Portland, Oregon. I think it's August 13th through the 15th. I'll be in Key West for a minute.

I fucking forget where I'm going. I suck at this business. You do a set out in Key? Well, I think we're going to do a big wedding show the night before. Doug Key West. Which will be fun. Anyways, Tacoma. Portland, Helium, and

I'm in Philly in October. I know that, October 22nd of the 24th, something like that, helium, Philly. Oh, hell yeah. Check on the Tom Dustin movie. In honor of Tom getting married, you should watch Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian. That's on Punch Up.

Go to Punch Up, sign up for my email, join the Patreon. Great stuff on there. Great flick. Loved it. Hey, I'll be in Tampa. Then also in San Francisco. We added a show at Cobbs.

Come on out. I love that town. I love that club. Houston Improv. That's a big room. We need you out there. Zanis in Nashville. Yeh! Pittsburgh. Hello. The Improv. That's a big room as well. Calgary. We'll see what happens. That's my birthday. Acby and Minneapolis. Denver Comedy Works. Comedy on State. Comedy on State and Madison. And Portland, Helium. Come on by. Get on the Patreon. I'm about to do a bonus right now. It's humming. We're cooking. Thanks for watching the live app. We got live apps till. the cows come home.

Would it go back to 1998 with those? Nicky Glazer. Ron Bennington. Rod Bennington. Sodor. Chris Dee. Chris Dee. Chris Dey. I had a Bennington story. Oh, next week you'll be on. South Ovalcano. Yeah. Thank you, folks. We'll see you to hell.

Weeping up. Praise all love.