Tuesdays with Stories! - #663 2C or Not 2C

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

Joe deals with a human speed bump on his trip! Mark comes out with a new plan for flying with a plump middle-seater! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com   -Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 70-80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May I was nervous Here we go All right folks Let me pull up my notes For the weekend Here we are Yeha

We're back Sally's on the ones And twos We got rid of chute-choo train Why'd you just roll your eyes People hate me Well they're gonna They're gonna know

Yeah They're gonna know you're here They hate everybody They hate Chuck They hate you They hate well they like Rupert They do? I don't know they know Rupert

Okay They haven't seen Rupert They saw him I'd hate them. I don't know. There have to be two photos in Instagram, when you kind of do the thing. That's a wide lens. But no, it's got, yeah, I think they like Lex. I think they like you, Matt.

They like you just fun. Yeah, you're the cues. Don't listen to the 17 Reddit threads. Oh, yeah, please. You don't have a mic, so that's good. Smart. Although we might need you to Google some stuff. Yeah, there it is.

Chia soda. Boy, we are going to lose a lot of great artists in a short amount of time. Did we talk about this? AI? No, no, death. Pacino, De Niro, Scorsese, Spielberg, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr. Nicholson. Jack Nicholson, yeah.

I mean, any minute with that son of an onion. Oh, yeah, he's a death dick. I mean, Bill Cosby. Who are the other guys? Harvey Weinstein, all the great. Think of all these amazing artists in their 80s. You got a point there, Faddy. They're right there.

It's just got to be a fucking a train of death. I know I saw a tweet the other day. It said, Paul McCartney passed 81 to 82. And I was like, what are you doing to me? I thought he was. I thought he croaked. Well, that's just crazy talk. Michael Richards, by the way.

I mean, he's in his mid-70. Jerry's 72, although he might go to 150 that guy. Woody Allen. Woody Allen. He's on death store, for God's sakes. What about L.D? he's got to be close. Larry David is going to be close to 80.

He's healthy as an ox. He's a Jew ox. He eats nuts and drinks. pomegranate juice Jucks Well also Alan our therapist He's 80 I thought he was like 75

He's 80 Yeah He's got a tough look Yoda he's old as shit I'm just looking at Harrison Ford is 80 Matt Salacus Yeah yeah

Ruby Ari's Ari's one foot in the grave Jeff Bridges has had cancer He's fucking 70 something Oh yeah I mean Bruce Campbell has cancer Bruce Campbell

The soup guy Soup guy No no Bruce Campbell From Evil Dead Evil Dead, Evil Dead too Not Donna of the Dead

You fuck stick Now they're really gonna hate you Jesus Evil Dead Army of Darkness He's in You know The other Sam Remedy Makes a cameo in Fargo

By the way Fun fact Hey there you go And Spider Man What's his face The Coins I guess they got a little time

They got some time William H. Macy's in the 70s. Yeah, that shocked me. Sylvester Stallone. He's older than a fart. That's true. Tom Cruise has got to be up there. Wow. I mean, Cruz is a little bit younger than these guys.

That's true. That's true. Some say the last movie star. Oh, yeah, I've heard that. I've heard that. Tough to say. Well, now Drusky and I Show Speed are more famous than all these quefs. I've never heard of you those people. You got to get on the cable television.

Well, Brad Pitt, by the way. He's a movie star. I don't get this last movie star. He's a huge movie star. I heard this about Matt Damon, too. Wasn't Matt Damon the last movie star? Because he came 20 full years after Tom Cruise. That's true.

He's a movie star. He is a movie star, yeah. But I don't get Damon. Like, I don't see the specialness in Damon. No, Damon. I don't mind Damon. I just don't think he, I wouldn't have that legend status to me. Well, when you look at his filmography,

I think we did this recently. Some of me and someone did this. He's only has, like, a handful of, like, bangers. Bangers. Yeah, he's got Goodwill. Out of the gate, came in hot. Goodwill hunting. And then he had, like, school ties.

Get out of here. But he's just, you know, he's a small part in that, basically. The Martian, I hated that movie. Small parted. Oh, the Martian. That was big. Born. He's in the Bourne.

Born. He's in the Born. I'm not a born guy. I'm not a born guy. It's all white guy fighting. I can't, anyone jumping through a window and then, you know, whatever, I don't give a shit about. I get bored. These guys who watch Kung Fu.

It's just, it's just, whoosh, whish, whish, whish, whish, whew. Oh, saving private Ryan, that was big. The Ocean's 11s. Those are fun. Those are fun. Four versus Ferrari. He's been in a couple big ones. Talented Mr. Ripley.

But then he did, we bought a zoo. Rounders is great. I love rounders. Shout out to our boy. We bought a zoo, brings him down eight notches. Yeah, well, everyone's got some shitties. Contagin. That's cool.

Yeah. But he's in the new Troy or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah, the Christopher Nolan thing. The Odyssey. True grit, he's got a small role. I just don't, I just see him as Matt Damon. I'm never like transformed. You see De Niro or Daniel Gay Lewis, and you're like, wow, he was a cobbler.

Yeah, yeah. Well, no one competes with Daniel Gay. But then you see Matt Damon, you go, oh, it's that guy from Boston as a knight in the roundtable. I see what you mean. That's all. He doesn't transform like Elliot Page. I suppose. She's in that movie, by the way.

He? He. Jesus. Come on. What's the name now? Isn't that the old name? Elliot's the new name. Yeah, Elliot Ness.

What was the name before? Ellen. Ellen Page. That's right. Juno. Yeah, Daniel Day Lewis is the fucking greatest. How about this for it? Is this anything?

Hey, if Israel goes away, maybe the Jews can go to Alaska. Juno? Yeah. The guy goes, Juno. Well, you tried a similar Juno I did. The last episode.

Oh, it's all a blur. We were like, Mandami, because I brought up Juno because of Jason Reitman, and then you were like, oh, Jew, no. So you're really pushing this Juno angle. I think there's something there.

I don't know. All right, Juneau. Maybe. There was also a Bruin player, Joey Juno. Oh, that's a good name. Number 49. Doesn't get weird.

Those are just locked in your head? I know. You got a million of them. It's played in 27 years. But I can just... Joey, as you know, number 49. What we do is Seinfeld, we do with Goodfellas, we do it with all these movies.

Yeah, yeah. This stuff just lodged... There's a great Tony V. joke, the comedian. He had a joke about... Yeah, you can go ahead and tell me whatever you're going to tell me, but I got Bon Jovi lyrics up here and they're not going anywhere.

How funny is that? It's Bon Jovi lyrics, and they're just... They're there. They're stuck in there. The cement is dry. So tell me whatever story you're going to tell me, but it ain't getting in here.

But Joey Juno, wouldn't you love to have an all I mean, I'm illiterate, but I would love to have like a Nick Norman. Yeah. Mark Marin. Yeah. Who else? Rick Rubin.

Joey Juno. Yeah. Joey Juno. Rick Rubin. And then people call you JJ. Well, my name sucks. Joe sucks. I'm done with Joe.

It's common. It's the most common. John Doe, Joe Doe. Joe. Hey, Joe, not your average Joe. Cup of Joe. Joe Raby. Joe Raby.

Joe and the Joe and the Joe. Joe's will not replace us. It's no good. And List is one syllable. It's just gay. Joe List stinks. What if you did Joey? Joey List.

You get the double sill with the one sill at the end. Well, it all comes back to Luke List. L.L. baby. That's a name. Lou. Now we're getting somewhere. That way when I'm getting booed, I can pretend it's Luke.

Hey. Luke is so strong. Luke is big. Skywalker. Monis. Yes, yes. Luke, that's a funny word. Could I use that? I like things you don't have to think about. The jar is around.

Luke is good. So where the hell have you been? Woo, upside down and inside out. I got some stories. Oh, Mama! Well, I have stories from last week I didn't get to. I got all kinds of shit. Oh, baby, dull. Well, that one sucks. This is nothing. Uh-huh. Lost my hat. We went over that.

Oh, yeah, I got some shit, man. I still got old stuff from Ireland, England. But I got a couple things for this week. I'll give you the fresh. Let me give you the fresh. Yes, yes. Eat fresh. Well, yesterday, and people, they may not be on my side on this because they love to just argue and call me retarded,

which, by the way, if you're just, this is a note to everybody about some certain stuff, just online in general. We got a note. If you're ever going to, if someone says something you disagree with, whether it be politics, film, the basis of a war, and you just write, you're retarded. Right. You're the retard.

Yeah. Make an argument and then end it with you retard. I see all these people all the time. Trump people, liberal people, movie people. You think that? You're a fucking retard. You're uneducated. Yeah.

Well, where's your education? Give me something. Give me some words. Give me some. Explain your situation. Prove me wrong. Imagine that in court. What do you think, Your Honor?

You're retarded. Yeah. No, you've got to have an argument. Cross-examination. He's a moron. Yeah, I object. What are you talking about? Give anything.

If you're not making a case, you're just an asshole clogging up the internet. I think they go, oh, this guy's so far off. He doesn't even deserve my expertise. So I'll just call him retarded. And you're like, yeah, but you can't do that because now you're retarded. Right. Some of these people do it, and you're like an easy Google search, and you're just totally wrong. But saying I'm wrong.

But anyways. You know what we should do? We should give money to people who go, you were right, I was wrong. Right. Those people should get money, so then they're actually incentivized to do that because no one will do that anymore.

Because if you get called retarded, then you set them a link to a Google thing, and they go, shit, I was wrong. Give them $4. Reparations. Wrong reparations. Well, I have a friend that we got, one of my closest friend, two of them,

we got into a long debate before this election. cycle and it was heated. And within like six weeks, they called and, well, I was tearfully being like, I'm so wrong. I'm an idiot. I'll never do it again. Feehan? No, no, now.

No, she's staying strong. Okay. But anyways. Boss is strong. You tell me where I'm at on this one. And yesterday was Father's Day. I didn't realize. You have all these new things you have to remember.

Yesterday. Anniversary's birth. I was listening to that album on the way here. Hey. How about that? How about that? That's a hell of a record. Shot in the face.

So, that was the other one. So I'm flying out of Calgary. I'm in Calgary. Oh, hey, Canada. Great weekend. The great white way. So I got all emotional and gay because I wasn't thinking it's Father's Day. This is what I was going to say.

You have to all of a sudden you have to remember a wedding anniversary, 40 years into your life. You got to remember a kid's birthday, 42 years into your life. Ah, can't do it. All my day, I got Bon Jovi lyrics. Exactly. It's all taken up. So Father's Day, my father's gay. I book a flight from Calgary.

I'm getting in at 5.30. It takes seven hours to get to my house from the airport. So I'm like, I'm just missing Father's Day. I know. I got home at six. Very sad. And so whatever. I change flights.

I'm like, oh, I had a connection in Minneapolis, yada, yada. I moved to a West jet, which is operated by Delta. They're like cousins. Okay. What's up? Cussing cousins. So I get on a West jet premium class. They don't have first class.

They have premium class. Canada. Same amount of money, whatever. So now I'm flying West Jet. You know what it reminded me of being on West Jet? Because I fly Delta so much. I felt like George Bailey in Pottersville. I'm like, take me back.

Yes. Get me back. You know what I mean? I'm like, everything's a little bit different, a little bit wacky. It's just a little off. Something's off. Well, Canada's like that in general. Sarah always says that.

She's like, you meet a guy and he's a little weird. He'll like, he's Canadian. Yeah, because they don't have Starbucks. They got Tim Hortons. They don't have fries. They got putteen. They don't have blackface. They got brown face.

They're right there. It's just a little. bit off-kilter. They're just wearing their hats a little bit different. They're just a little silly. A little hooked. But any farts. So I get on West Jet. Great week. I can get into that later. Just the fucking best weekend of my life. It was awesome. That club rules. I love. I work with this guy named Jarvis, a young twink of a boy. Hilarious. He killed. Okay. And he's one of these guys. He's like 23. He's like, I like stand-up. I want to be good at stand-up. I hate TikTok. I hate this. All right.

He's a good man. Good for you, Jar. Jarhead. So look out for Jarvis. Jarr Bing. Something rather. But, so I get on the West Jet. Kanye West Jet.

Now, first, I'm going through security in Calgary. Uh-oh. And I have this one. You know, I hate the ones where you put your suitcase in and they shuffle it. It's like a robot that shuffles. You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. There's like five slots with like the little jeopardy.

Oh, I hate the slots. Yes, I hate that one. I like the row. in the conveyor. And you have to just go, well, oh, yes,

and you've got to like jam your thing in there. It's just, it's horrible. And there's a lady of color going, all right, sir, don't push. Okay,

hello. And you're like, all right, what do I know? I don't work here. Not in Canada. It's not. There's a man of no color.

Say, okay, hey, you're fucking knucklehead, loose knuckle. So anyways, so I jammed the thing in there, and then it's the one where it automates the robot

either sends it down the, we're going to check this out aisle, or it goes down you're free to go. Yes. You got snagged. So whatever was going on there, everything was going into snagged. I hate the snagglepuss.

And I mean everything. 75% of the best. It was just go, boop. And everyone. So we had a line of people. And I kind of became the leader. You know, I'm an alpha. Sure.

So, and I was sitting on the table, the big metal table. I was the cool guy because my suitcase came through. So I had my feet up on the suitcase sitting on the thing like a gargoyle, you know? Yes, yes, gargoyle. So I was like, hey, this is fucking crazy. And everyone was looking up at me like, it is great. You're saying it's great. What's crazy?

Yeah. And I'm doing this thing. I'm like, I got to tell you, I fly everywhere. Look at it. Look at all these bets. And they lined up so far that it's stacked up so none of them could get through. So there was like literally like 40 people and they had one fucking douche. One quefe.

Doing the checking. Go into the checking. Yeah, he puts the gloves on. He goes, is there anything pointing in here? Is there a peg, a dildo, a knife? You understand everything. So this one guy, and he's doing the... The guy getting checked is a 155-year-old guy.

Yep. Bald with his shirt tucked in. It looks like Salacuse in three years. Just an old asshole bald. Ugly. So they're taking out his shirts, and his shirts are all folded and hangers. They're doing this. And then I pulled this one.

I'm like, hey, I don't want to be, you know, politically incorrect. But this guy doesn't actually... He doesn't look like much of a terror. And the lady's like, I know. It's crazy. This was kind of fun, you know. You put a little subtle racism in there. Are we in men or we in...

This is in Cal. This is in Cal. I got the direct flight. Got it. So you're going out of Cal. Leaving Cal. Leaving Cal. And the whole thing, and there's a couple guys.

I'm like, this is nuts. You ever see anything? Like, this is great. So we had a whole pact. We had a group. Yes, yes. You're commiserating. But you're like, this is untenable.

I mean, there's literally all of the soup cake. All the bags are going into the check. This is how you miss a flight. Remember that flight I missed a Phoenix with you? Oh, yeah. That's why. The backup. It's crazy.

So there's one guy going through all the things, and I'm like, this is just wild. Finally, he gets the old man on his way. And now we're becoming friends. We're like, oh, my bag. And then the people are like, both my bags are over there. Yeah, both my bags are over there. It was kind of fun. Yeah, congencerating.

So finally, it comes to my bag. Then he does this. He just looks at the screen. He goes, you're good. What is that? Didn't go in my bag or anything. I'm like, that's it. I hate it.

Now I waited for nothing. It's like when there's a traffic jam and you get up there, and it's a fender bender. You're like, I want to see blood and jizz. I want to see cum dripping out of his ass. Dead babies. Zeman. That's too far.

I'm sorry. I got to drink less coffee. Let me put that down. Maybe I said Salkees up with some coffee. Oh, yeah. I'm kidding, of course. I'm joking, folks. Hi there, folks.

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All right. So you got your bag. So we get through. So now I got my suitcase, my backpack, and I feel great. I go to a little store. They have all these airplanes. So I'm shot.

I buy an airplane for this kid. I'm an airplane for that kid. the hell of my plate. For this kid, do the shopping, go and have a nice breakfast. The wait, the bar, I said at the bar, the bartender lady was, I think she recognized me. Very flirtatious, very smiley, very attractive. You remember those moments in the robe? You're like, how about I move here? How about I change your life? I think about it all the time. Let me take you to New York. You can be my second family. You're at this dead-end job. You work at the airport and cow. Ugh. Come home. Come to New York. I'll get you an apartment across the street.

Let me do you a favor. Yeah, I'll eat you out. every couple days and buy your meals. Yeah. I feel like I could really change some lives, you know? I like that. Anyways, she said no. Okay. So then now it's time to board.

I go get my coffee. I make my phone calls and I go, oh, it's boarding time. I better get up there. I have this. Boarding time. You ever have this? You're walking up. I don't even break stride.

As I'm walking, they go, now boarding zone one. I don't even have to shuffle my feet or stuff. I walk straight up and I go. I love that. Now I'm a charming guy, you know. Sure, sure. I go, hey, how about this timing? Is this something?

The lady goes, passport. Oh, here we go. So she's immune to my thing. And I'm going to tell you about this lady. Cryptonite. She's fat. Yeah, that's how they get you. She's big and fat.

Not good. Horn rim glasses. Already bad. And her front teeth are stained almost to the point where I'm like, did someone take a brown paintbrush and swipe you? Boy, you could turn on a die. You went from heaven to charm the panties off of this coos and then fuck your face. Wet glasses, you dirty-tooth, cunt.

Just the most disgusting, wretched human I've ever seen. Yeah. But I go, yeah, hey, how about this time? I need to have to break stride. Passport. I go, oh, yeah, yeah, it's not a perfect moment. But hey, passport, yeah. Tough crowd.

She goes, that bag's not going to fit. Oh, come on. You're not going to fit, you big tub of gist. Exactly. I go, really? And I'm trying to be friendly, nice. And I fucked up. Where am I wrong?

You got to check your, what's my fault in this? And I go... Accountability. I go, you sure? Really? Yeah, not going to fit. She's like, you can test it. And the thing, they have that testing.

I hate the test. Which is half the size of the actual thing. I know. What is that? It's like this. And I'm like, no bag will fit in this. No, no. A purse won't fit in there.

And I go, and she goes, yeah, you're going to have to talk to her. Because your passport is not whatever, some shit. Talk to her. She says me to this lady. What? You see you're live at Gotham? I mean, this feels personal. I have no idea.

But it did feel personal. I was like, okay. All right. So I go over to this lady, and she's like, yeah, this lady's nicer. She's like, yeah, you got to test it. Let's see. And she looks at it, and I'm like, well, I can just tell you it's not going to fit in this thing. And I'm like, I don't understand.

Like, what kind of plane is this? And we've talked about this before. I know my alley. I know my equipment. He knows a plane. CRJ 900. That's the smallest plane. That's the regional Cleveland, Detroit, little Syracuse flights.

The old puddle jumper. Two seats on one, one side of the other. It fits in there. You got to stuff it, but it'll fit. Okay, okay. So I say the lady, I'm like, this is an international cross-continent flight. It's like a four-hour flight. I'm like, this won't fit in there?

And she's like, we went down there. It's tiny, tiny. I know. I don't know. This is fishy. And I'm like, really? Wow. Okay.

So you're kind of like, you want to be. And I wish I was one of these guys that's like, fuck you. I'm bringing it on. But I was like, really? That doesn't play at the airport, I don't think. I was like, wow, okay. And I kept saying, CRJ-9, I'm thinking they'll be like, this guy's impressive. Sure, he knows his numbers.

C3PO. It fits on those, like those regional planes. Yeah, I know, I know. But also, you got it here. You know what I mean? Of course. How different are these planes? So I go, wow, all right.

But it's West Jet. That's the other thing. Ah, West Jet. It's not Delta. So I'm not as comfortable. So I'm like, all right. And all I'm thinking is, I don't. desperately want to get home to my son

on Father's Day. I haven't seen him in three days. Haven't been away from him for four months. He's crying on FaceTime going, I just want you. When are you going to come home? So this is going to cost me because it's an extra half hour waiting for your fucking suitcase. That's true. So I go, all right. You know, I don't want to be an asshead. So I go, okay,

so she puts the thing and she's like, you leave it on the jetway. Oh, I hope you brought it on. So I'm walking down there, and it's not at the, some of the times they're at the door. That's just halfway down. This big stop sign. Leave your bag here. I know the halfway. So I'm like, all right, I leave the bag.

And everything in me is like, how could there possibly be an international cross-continent flight over the line that doesn't have room? Crazy. But I go, all right, I leave it there. I walk the rest of the 50 feet. Uh-oh. Flight attendant, I walk on the plane. I'm in first class, premium, excuse me, 3F. I walk in.

I'm the third person on the plane. There's two elderly people that had early boarding, whatever. Plane is empty. Both sides, full, just regular overhead. Whoa. Absolutely normal, regular overhead on both sides. And it's open. And it's open.

All the way down. Oh, this is infuriated. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to go grab my suitcase. The lady's like, whoa, you can't get off the plane once you stepped on the plane. That's how they get to all these damn gay rules. And I go, no, no, my suitcase is right there. These people told me I can't.

I had to check my bag. And she's like, well, it's a full flight. And I was like, full flight. I'm in first class. Yes. I was like, I'm Diamond. I'm the third person on the plane. She's like, if it's there, it's already been checked.

And I'm like, no, no, it's not been checked. It's right up there. It's 40 feet up there. And she's like, I cannot let you FAA. You cannot get off the airplane. And I'm like, can you grab it? Like, seriously, could you just grab it? It's right there.

And she's like, there's a reason. If they checked it, they checked it for a reason. And I'm like, no, no. I was like a manager and an umpire. I've never been this guy. I turned my hat around like Earl Weaver. I was like, they told me I wouldn't be able to fit in there. It's not going to look at it.

It's wide open. And then, how about this? I get on the plane. Nobody ever even took those spots. Across, they had kids over there, so they're all checked. So above me and across from me, empty, full level, just nothing. Nothing. I'm eating here.

So I was right. I couldn't get over it. I was raged. I get it. And I made a sense. scene. I'm not a scene maker. I know, this is ridiculous. I was like, this is ridiculous. My suitcase is 30 feet up that way. Oh, you went Karen. I'm like, look at that. Like, there's empty space here. That's my space. My space. Facebook. Good, good app. So I get on. I'm sitting there,

and I'm literally like, and you have this feeling of like, should I wipe boogers on here? Should I take a shit in the overhead? I'm going to punch this lady. Say the N-word. So then I'm sitting there for like 20 minutes. I'm texting Sarah. I'm like, I'm like, I'm fucking. And it's just sick. to me. And then people are coming on with their regular, literally bigger than mine, just throwing them in. Everyone's walking by with these cases. She must hate the regs. Something's going on here. I hate the regs. So I'm sitting there and now I'm just breathing. I can't even breathe good. I'm like, like a child. And then that fat, slob, dirty tooth cunt piece of shit comes back on the play. So now I'm like, everything I've ever

want, I'm like, there she is. Let me get her. Let me hear her. Let's dark cleaner. I'm like, they're holding me back to him. I picture the play when she gets on going, it was crazy. And I'm like, you fucking cut it. And then I make eye contact with, and I'm staring at her. Yes. I'm like

Pedro Martinez and Gary Sheffield. I'm just looking at her. Oh, yeah. You motherfucker. I love bad. Then she comes up to me and goes, I need your ID. Whoa. So now she's not only, she's back on the plane, she's on the plane for me.

Whoa. And I go, why? What are you talking about? She goes, I need to see your idea. We didn't check you in properly. And I was like, I don't understand. The lady looked at my passport for five minutes up there, which is true. She was like going through my passport.

I'm like, what is this? Huh. I got to catch my breath. Are you, you're making, are you causing a scene? Are people looking like, what's going on with the guy with the chinless? Not at this. I've caused the scene at the beginning, but I was like literally like the third person. So only the two people behind me really saw the scene.

I thought it was a full house at this point. She's like, we just need to check your ID. She didn't check you in properly. And I was like, you guys got to learn how to check people in, I guess. I'm like, I'm on the plan. I went through security. I went through the ticket. I'm sitting here.

This is my seat. Joseph List, 3F. She's like, may I just see your passport? Uh-oh. I go, yeah. Here's my passport. I'm like, you guys are not good at things. You're not good at things.

And she goes, excuse me? I said, look at this space. And literally, it's empty above me. I was like, that's empty. This is empty. I have a regular-sized bag. I was like, that bag is literally, literally. twice the size of my bag.

Yes. And she's like, we had to be strict, sir. What? And I go, strict, what are you talking about? I was like, what are you talking about? I hate this lady. And then she just got off, she just left the plane. I was like, this is ridiculous.

Whoa, Father's Day. So I went back to fuming. The whole flight I'm fuming. Yes. Then I got out, I'm texting this hour. I'm like, I'm going to have one last word with the flight attendant lady, who is not fully at fault, but let me go get my fucking bag. Of course.

There you fucking C-word. These rules are silly. So then I go, when I was leaving, you know, it's packed, I go, I just got to reiterate one last time. It is absolutely ridiculous that they told me. And I was like, that lady is a moron and has no manners or something like that. And rude. I said she's a moron and she's rude. I'm like, that's a crazy amount of space, normal space.

I love it. And she went, I know, I know, I'm sorry. She was very sweet. Kind of hot Asian lady. That's something. Matt's taking a swing. No microphone. Not a black lady.

No black. No. This lady was Asian. Edit that. Jesus. No, no. That's Canada, for God's sakes. That was a hell of a swing.

That was a hell of a swing. I had a miss. No, no. If it was black, I would have been lacing up some slurs. Are you kidding? Of course. This is a white fucking plastic bag, piece of shit. It's almost worse when they're white because you can't blame it on anything.

You can't be like, ah, she's black. No wonder. But it did feel like, weirdly personal. I'm like, I don't understand. I'm like, right when I came in, she was like, yep, that, that. No, she saw Sweat the small stuff or small ball or whatever. Yeah, I'm just, I was raging.

And somehow, I know there'll be some fans that are like, Eureka, you're wrong, but I mean, I'm talking literally four on either side. No bags above me. Yeah. Just yet, it's not going to fit. I know. This is hell. I'm the asshole because I,

I knew, and I should have just taken it. And then, once I'm on the plane, if it doesn't fit, I go, oh, shit, sorry. Exactly. And I know airplanes. And we've talked about this before. It's like this was Starbucks and other things. It's like, you think because you work for the airline, you should know the most. But it's like the veterinarian theory.

I got to see a chicken, a dog, a horse, a cat. I know everything. Good point. I'm on every kind of plane. I'm on West Delta, Little flights, big flights, private flights, huge flights. Yes. no airplanes better than the ticket lady. Yeah, the fat tooth brown.

Yeah, she's just sitting up, she's not to keep a tooth clean. Exactly. I always say this with eating out girls. I'm like, I've eaten out 900 women. You've eaten out none. That's good. I know pussy better than you, bitch. I don't care of your guino. And you have a pussy, but you have one pussy. You have one pussy.

I've had black, white, Asian, dirty, fat, smelly, clean. Well, never black. Yikes. I've done it. No, me too. Africa. I told that story in Minneapolis. The microphone just fell off. No, I never run. Oh, okay.

Is that better or worse? It's just nerve-wracking. I got a dangling mic here. But anyways, that's going to be clinging and clanging all night. I told you. I had the black lady in Minneapolis, and then the next morning, I was walking, she was walking me to the train or whatever. Maybe I was walking her to her house.

It was like all the black guys hanging out, and they were like, is that your man? No way, that's your man. I was like this. I'm not her man. We just met. I'm a nice guy. One night's dead.

I'll be going. the morning. I like basketball. MLK. Obama. Might have been pre-Obama, actually. Oh, wow. That's your man, huh? Yeah. They were very upset. They were like, this is a motherfucker. You were this motherfucker? And I was a big string bean with the glasses and the teeth. And, yeah, they did not approve, but I got right in there. Imagine that reversed. Black lady walking with a white guy. And everybody's like, that, you man? Yeah. I guess we wouldn't say that. Right. Wait, would it be a black? I guess it'd be a black. I know.

It would be a black guy with a white woman. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, you with this motherfucker? I don't know why. We keep giving black voices. Yeah, I'd be like, hello, excuse you. What are you doing with this man?

Is that your partner there? What the hell? Okay. Anyways, all right, I'm going to shut up. So what did? Good. You got the baggage claim six hours later and it was on the belt. Well, that I'm such a cunt.

I'm like, so then you start on, it's a four hour flights. You're like, all right, I'll make the best of it. What I'll do is when I land, I'll order a star. Starbucks. That will take some time and whatever. No lounge? Nah, I'm not going to go to the lounge. I mean, it's only going to take whatever, 20 minutes. But sometimes the suitcase does take 30 minutes to get. I get the coffee and I get a snack.

Well, so I hit the stopwatch because I'm such a cut. I was like, I'm going to time exactly how much time I would have saved, which is pointless. And it was like 22 minutes. It added 22 minutes to my thing. 22 is substantial. And then the cow ride is an hour. I got to move. I'm moving somewhere else because I also had the stopwatch. From the moment I landed, it was one hour and 55 minutes

from landing to walking into my door. Two hours. Nightmare. That's a flight to Buffalo is 48 minutes. Yeah. Two hours get to her house of the same city. Let's terrible. Throw a couple things out there with this lady.

A, I think she had a bad day. She took a shit. She bought a, you know, a bad Pokemon card. So she took it out on you, and you were the first guy, and then you were chipper. Yeah.

So when you're having a bad day and someone's chipper, you're like, fuck him, I'm taking him down to my level. She's chipper. I don't know. And, yeah. What chipper? I mean, her teeth are brown and she's fat and very, very ugly and very rude. So her life is probably miserable. Yeah.

I was chipper. And then I guess, you know, maybe they told it. Like, hey, test every snooka, but they obviously didn't test all of them. Exactly. I think the chipper got her. Also American. We aren't very popular. Yeah, I'm American.

I'm American. That's a good point. You probably had a Bruin shirt on or something. Yeah, well, and the passport. And, you know, Trump's going to take over the 51st state, all that stuff. Right, right, right, right, yeah, Carney. But, you know, I feel like I don't have the look of a Trumpy. No, not at all.

Maybe she hates men. Maybe she hates herself. I don't know. But the whole time, you're like, I'm going to call my fucking mayor. I'm going to email the city. Well, this is where Yelp comes in. You always see, like, you read these Yelp reviews or whatever. You're like, who the fuck wrote Jesus Christ?

Who are these people? It's that. It's those moments where you're fuming on the plane and you're like, typing away. That's what Yelp is. No, it's one of the most infuriate. I say this to Sam, I'm like, I'm sure there's other things that it conglomerates or whatever word, but you're like, this is the most angry I've been in my whole entire life. I know the feeling. And then you feel help, you're not being helped. Usually when you're angry, you can do something about it. You're just sitting in a seat buckled in.

Well, here's the other thing that why the anger lasts is because the consequences won't happen for four hours. It's not until I land and I'm home. Yes. And now I can go see my boy, but I have to stop and stand for 30 minutes right away from my suitcase that should be in this empty space right here. 100%.

Which is the whole benefit of having status on an airline. Yeah. As I can just go, I'm the first one off. This is why I lie and steal. Yeah. Because I've had this before. They're like, that's not going to fit. I'm like, it's going to fit.

It's not going to fit. They bag it, or they tag it, and I go, all right, I'll drop it off by the thing. Walk it right on, put it up. I've done that many times. That's why I was also mad at myself, but the difference was the airline. It was West Jets. I'm like, I don't know. Maybe West Jets got some weird airplanes, even though I knew there's no way an airplane

that flies from fucking the Canadian Rockies to Queens is going to be too small to have luggage. That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make sense. This happens a lot in life. You're like, I know this doesn't make sense, but someone's so adamant that you're like, why would they be this adamant? Yeah, I don't. They work here.

I don't. It's two people in uniforms that work here. Yeah. So they must, they must. But also in a perfect world, you could go, oh, look, it'll fit. And they go, oh, okay, go grab it. But we can't do that because it's all these dumb rules over there. Hey, put the, you've got to have your seat forward.

Like, do I? What's going to happen if I don't my seat forward? Is the plane not going to land properly? That was part of the anger was like I fucking knew I was right And I went against my instinct And I'm And they don't give you the rebuttal

They don't go oh my God You're right geez We got you let me go grab it Yeah that was the only thing I said to say We gotta move off this because people will get annoyed But what bothered me is the lady didn't say Oh man I am so sorry You're right

She was like we had to be strict I'm like that doesn't make any sense Why? And then the other lady being like Well it's a full flight I'm like but I'm the first one on. Exactly. And I'm in first class.

This is a $1,200 ticket. Wow. Literally. You know what it might be too? Probably in the beginning they were like, full flight. You're going to have to get some bags. You know, just get like a random victim. He's going to have to get fucked.

Going to have to check some bags. And then she saw your chipper ass and she went, that's the first bag. Fuck this, Keefe. Yeah. Maybe she saw my name and was like, Joe List. That guy's friends with Louis C.K. or Mark Norman. Epstein list.

Yeah. Any number of near-do-wells. There you go. All right. I'm out. Wow. Damn. Well, I got a whole flip-a-roo on there.

I went to JFK. By the way, the L-I-R strike is over. So I'm back on that train like a Jew in the 40s. I didn't even know there was a strike. Oh, big strike. So got back on the L-I-R, JFK. Now, last week, I flew L.A. to New York with a baby in my hands. This week, JFK to Phoenix.

No baby? Yeah. Take the weights off the bat. I'm swinging. No, it's ridiculous. And we've talked about this. It's like, once you fly with a kid, the idea of any delay, any anything, you're like, well, whatever. At least I don't have a kid.

That's the thing about kids. Like when they're not around you for that 10 seconds, you're like, life is good. Other guys like, ah, I got a flight to Tempe. This is hell. I'm like, whoa! Right. Living the dream. As long as you have your suitcase, it's easy, easy.

But I had the fat guy. You always get a fat guy. I get the fat guy, and the fat guy gets the middle seat. And I'm like, what are you doing? You know you're fat. I know you're fat. Book the window. Book the aisle so you can spill.

Well, he can't afford an aisle or window because he's fat. He can't work. He's spending all the money on food, you're saying. Well, I say he can't work. He's too slow to work. He can't get up the stairs. He can't get on the, uh, The roof, he'll fall through.

Uh, yeah, that's true. Rooford. A job I know. So, uh, but here's my, here's my argument to society. I'm not trying to be fatphobic. I'm not trying to be a prick. If you're that fat, I get to use you as a cushion. I like that.

Come on. This is fair. You're all in my seat. You're like, it's, I do the math. You know, you're angry. So you're like, that's at least 30% of my seat. Uh-huh. So I should, A, get 30% off my ticket or I'm, I'm,

using you as a beanbag. I like the discount. The problem with the beanbag is, it's a fat man. Yeah, it's going to be sweat and hair and jizz. I can get over it. I can pretend it's a temperateic. Well, then you might as well blow a guy,

pretend it's a banana. That's a good point. I might bite him on accident and peel his dick. But, yeah, I'm just saying, if you're all over my seat, it's all shoulder, Jerry. It's all like this. You know, and I should be able to just go.

I mean, I agree. I like this theory. Give me the pillow, and then you come with a pillow case. If you're over 300 pounds, there's your little doily pillowcase. Yes, yes, give me a doily, because he smells like ham. Yeah, you put it on there, and then you got a pillowcase, and maybe you can use his shoe as, like, a cup.

I don't know. Right. Well, it's just a, it's a tough scenario because he's like, what do you want me to do? I'm huge. And I'm like, but what do you want me to do? You're huge. Right.

You see what I'm saying? Like, you're like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a big guy. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm sorry because you're a big guy. Like, this is, you're ruining my life. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to explain. But he's, as I call it, secondhand fat.

I don't care if you're fat, but now you're affecting me with your fat. Yeah, your fat is over here. I mean, I had that joke years ago about wearing a backpack on the subway. I love this joke off. I'm like, we'll just pretend I'm fat. There you go. Great point. It's not even a big backpack.

I'm like, what if I wore it on the front and put a shirt over it? Now you do. Nobody would be able to say, hey, get your backpack. off. Exactly. You can tell a smoker, hey, put that out, no smoking, but you can't tell a fat guy 10 feet from the exit. Yeah, leave your belly outside of the trade. Right. Yeah. But my question is, why don't you buy a first class ticket where it's spacious, with elbows? Well, me or him? You? Oh, well, I'm thin. I can fit in a seat. I know, but you get the fat guy. There's no option of a fat guy up in FC. Why not? Because there's space, even if the fattest guy on Earth,

There's still space. There's no guy's fat. I mean, maybe Rupert, but most people are not fat enough to spill into 2C or not 2C. That's true. Get up there in the premium cab. I'm saying he should get a first class because he's huge. I mean, I'll take a first class too. But I'm saying he should get one for his own sake.

Or buy two seats. Or buy two seats. Which I know some people do. I know some fat soes that buy two seats. Yeah, yeah. Or three seats. Oh, man. How about these people who want?

who want two seats? Like a fat guy's like, whoa, I got to take up two. And you're like, well, you got to buy two. And they're like, but I'm one person. That's a big controversy in some areas. There is a hack where you buy the middle seat. Hold on. We buy the middle seat and the window seat.

And then just before you get on the flight, you return the middle seat. Oh. I don't know if you're, are you allowed to buy two seats? You get a credit. You can get an e-credit. You're my wife. my wife. Yeah, you got to eat credit, I guess.

Yes. Ah. But you have now space. Yeah, that's not bad. That's not bad. That's not bad, but yeah, okay. That feels very salacuse right there. That's a classic Kramer.

That's a Kramer. Kramer move. And then it doesn't work out and then somebody, blah, blah, blah. Exactly. Yeah. Somehow he's on the wing at the end of the episode. Yeah, that's a good move. I like that.

All right. All right. Shit. That's all I had. No, I don't know. So tell me more about Tempe. Well, I love Tempe. I don't really get Tempe.

It's Phoenix, Tempe, Scottsdale. Is it all part of Phoenix or are their own thing? Is it like Brooklyn? Fucked if I know. I think Tempe is its own city. Okay. Phoenix is massive. And then is Tempe derivative of temperature?

Because it's so fucking hot there. Right. I mean, it was 112. But it's not Tempe, Tempe. Temperature. Well, you know, it's... It's not Tempeerature. Sure.

Tempe. I think it's probably Native American. I thought it's an Indian... You're right. After the bail of Tempe in ancient Greece. Whoa. Way off. No kidding.

That's a little grand for Tempe. I don't know if they're up there with ancient Greece. But all right. Like, God, those women, though. Ooh! I just stayed in the green room. I was like, my opener, Caleb signing, check him out a funny guy. He was selling, like, hot cakes out there.

And I just, I would peek my head out, and I would see... like 6-11s. And I was like, how about, better than it was 7-11. 6-11. But, yeah, it was just crazy. And the crowds were killer. Here's the thing, though. All good.

The club. Broken AC. Oh. Slater. Brutal, because it's 8 million degrees outside. Then you come in and it's warm. Broken AC in Tempe. Yeah.

And Tempe. So they try. They put the fans everywhere. They put these big blowers all over the place. But it ain't the same. I'm up there. I'm like a Def Jam comic, like two minutes in. It looks like I'm bombing.

But I'm like, no, no, no, this works. I'm just hot in here. June Tempe, broken AC. Yeah, and I don't want to besmirch. They're a great club. They took care of us. They were awesome. It's not their fault.

The crowds were great. God. You get that lethargic hot tub vibe, you know, where they're like, ha. Oh, geez. It's like a woman who can't come. You can't get any noises out of her. I know about that.

Yeah. So I'm trying to get a moan, but I'm getting nothing. I'm putting my finger at her ass, showing her a picture of my dad, whatever. Nothing's working. Wow. Well, I love that club. Remember we were there right after my wedding? We had cigars on the bridge.

Great memory. Oh, great night. I love that place. I was like four days after my wedding. You, me, and the bottle makes three. Tempe. That was really something. Chesley Callaway.

And, man, we had a time. Great club. They do an interesting thing where they have a green room over by the lobby. Nice green room, TV. You got the World Cup going. Then they have a green room behind the stage. Right. So you go, oh, I'm on in five.

Let me hightail it over to the back green room. Then you just walk right on. Last time I was there, I think I told this straight, Brett Ernst, they double-booked, and he ended up featuring, which was work. Oh, he can kill. Oh, he kills. He did about 35 minutes. He's like on the stool.

The crowd was like on the floor. The guy's a fucking legend. Yeah, yeah. And then Santino was in town. So he came over. So my whole set, I just hear Santino and Brett Ernst being like, these motherfuck are. yeah, fuck that. Mother shit. Oh, that's crazy.

Oh, in the green room. And I'm like, the one next to him, like, go to the other green room. Yes, yes. So it's like, it's like counting money and someone's going 11, 48, 61. Right. Right. But it's Brett. So I can't be like, hey, shut the fuck up because he'll fucking ice pick me. Good point. Yeah, he's a

tough guy. By the way, I think first comic to have a YouTube hour. Brett Hurst? I'm trying to give him credit. Give this a goog, Sally, and you can do some some dates comparisons. But everybody's like Sam or me or Schultz. I think it's Brett Ernst number one

with a bullet. Wow. Calling it right here. This feels like it's pretty easily checkable. Yeah, but I've never heard anyone say it. I was out, I was jerking off one night looking at a comedy and I was like, wait a minute, Brett Ernst, this is before everybody. Let me ask Albert Einstein AI. They know everything.

There we go, Alan Iverson. You do that, search. I'll do this search. All right. Who was the first stand-up comedian to put a one-hour special on YouTube? There it is. Here we go, big money. Searching the web. Here we go.

This isn't a clear universal accepted answer to who was first. Depends on what you mean by a one hour special on YouTube. First comedian to ever, blah, blah, blah. What's easier to answer is who helped make it a major trend. Andrew Schultz is often credited with proving the comedians could bypass traditional networks and make series by the YouTube. Maybe it's Schultzzi. Mark Norman accelerated the trend with his 2020 special out to launch, Drew Millions. accelerated trend.

Soon after, comedians like Joe List, I hate myself, Sam Burrell, Shane Gillis, Irish Fear, and many others followed. Wow, a couple of honkeys. Given your comedy background, you might find interesting that among comics, the more common claim isn't who was first, but rather who changed the business.

On that question, the names I hear cited most often are Andrew Schultz and Mark Norman. How about that? Wow, this has blown my tits off. They demonstrated that an independently released YouTube special could reach a larger audience than many cable or streaming specials. Well, Schultz did it before me,

but, and Sam had one. but his was on Comedy Central. Right. Digital, whatever that means. So, I mean, that counts as a YouTube, but I'm just saying, what year is Ernst? I won't run about Brett Ernst. It says, yes, Brett Ernst is actually

one of the strongest candidates for that claim. According to Brett's own website, his management, bio, and multi-commic. His 2018 special Principal's Office is described as either the first comic to release an hour special via YouTube, the first hour YouTube commercial by a stand-of-commodian

or the first self-distributed online. Okay, well, can I get a date? 2018. And what's Schultz? Shultz was... It's something where he does four different sets. What's funny is that Brett doesn't always get mentioned in these conversations because Schultz, Norman, Marill, Gillis, and Joe List and others are associated with the YouTube

special boom a few years later. We made AI! But among comics, I've heard Brett's name come up before as a guy who was early, possibly too early for people to fully appreciate what he was doing. That's what I'm trying to say, Fetty. All right, what do you got on Schultz there? And I think Schultz might have made it a thing, but I do think Ernst was numero uno.

Schultz's come out. I can't remember what the name. I can't remember the name. Andrew Shultz's first self-release. Bam! Wait, I don't know. Oh. This also says Andrew Schultz's first self-release YouTube special was 4-4-1,

which came out in September. of 2017. Oh, okay, okay. It was professionally produced special that he released himself after networks passed on it. All right, well, I guess it's Schultz then. I take it all back.

I thought it was Ernst. Oh, this says if Brett's principal office was indeed the first full hour intentionally released on YouTube as the primary platform. Then both things can be true. Schultz's early pioneer, blah, blah, blah.

Well, he had it first. I think that settles it. Well, anyways, it's an interesting... Interesting little debate there, yeah. So there you go. Go get them Brett. Then you can also check out Brett on Cobra Kai. Yeah.

He's killing it. I think that's still on. I have no idea. I was on YouTube also, wasn't it? That's true. That's true. He's fucking... They say when it all is said and done,

when the apocalypse comes, and the Mayans kill us, and there's a race war, YouTube's going to be the last one standing. Interesting. They say Netflix is borrowing money, paying off the Qatar, whatever it is,

but YouTube, the beauty of YouTube is people upload for free. There's just some guy in Cincinnati going, I'll put my video on here. You can't do that with Netflix, so they don't have to buy anything. Netflix is like, oh, we'll buy a home improvement. Right, right.

That'll be $10 billion. Yeah. So they're always giving away money where YouTube's like, bring it on. Well, I'm sticking strong with YouTube. Netflix, they keep offering me, hey, we'll give you 300,000, $800,000. thousand. I say, thank you, no

thank you. Nah, who needs it? I don't care for that kind of humor. They have guys like Chappelle. They're all offensive and gross, Louis, problematic. I don't need to be part of that. Louis's new special next week. That's exciting. That is very exciting. How about this? I went to the movies.

I had to go see Obsession and back rooms. Backroom. This is when everyone's talking about these movies. Obsession was fun. Very fun. Very funny. Very fun, very silly. Massive, massive, glaring plot holes. Big holes.

But I liked it. How about this? I go to see, I saw Obsession on Friday. I go to see Backrooms on Saturday. Full theater? Backrooms has made over $301 million worldwide. And they was shot for what? 10 mil? Something low? 20 mil?

I would say 20 mil is low. That's pretty big these days. I guess you're right. Maybe it was 10, 5? Wow, this is too much dead air. It doesn't matter. Cut that motherfucker. Cut this motherfucker right here. So I go see the movie.

Thank you. Now, everything in Canada, like I said, a little different, a little off. So you know, me, I like Eminem's for the movie theater. I buy a popcorn. I eat the popcorn during the trailers. And then once that movie starts, I go Eminems, and I crush a whole bag. Now we're talking. They got a different kind of bag up there because it's Canada.

Really? Yeah. Is it changing bags? Different size, different whatever look. And I got a photo for this. We'll have to put it in here in post. I go in to see backrooms. I was at the movies yesterday.

I'm back in the movies again today. Saw an obsession. I've heard backrooms is a piece of shit from Ron on. He says, The Death of Art, it's the worst thing ever. Wow. Well, he also hates Moby Dick. Right.

But then Luke was like, it was fine. And then Matt Wayne is like, I thought it was amazing. So I'm like, I got to see this fucking movie. So I go in. I eat my popcorn. Movie starts. All right.

It's Eminem time. Yeah, good rapper. Couldn't get the bag open. Come on. I mean, I'm. I did the thing where you tear too high. You know what I mean? Where you tear above the preparation?

Ah, yes. So I teared it and I go, I go to open it, tore it. Tor it, I go to open it. It's still sealed. I ripped the top before the seal. I've been there. Yeah, the hymen is still there. So, but now I lost the tear area.

Lost the tear. But I didn't tear low enough. Tear a read. And now the movie's slow and stupid and there. and there's people there. So I'm trying to make too much noise. So it's like this. And everybody's going, just open it.

So I'm like, okay, I got to, now I got to give some time because I don't want to be just the constant bag guy. You're the ear Larry David over here. I spend about like 12 seconds, like watching. And I go, all right, here we go. I'm going to try again. I can't get it. I can't see Peter. I'm like, why do they make these bags loud?

It's 2026. Give me a quiet bag. And it's a bag that opens. Just give me a. Or that. So I'm like, and nobody's saying anything, but there's a lady over there,

there's a guy over there, and there's like three kids over there. And you know me, I'm like, movie cunt. I'm like, anybody sneezes, I see a phone light up.

I fucking kick him in the side of the head like Joe DeVola. Here, here. So I'm like, I'll show you what it's like. I can't be the guy. So I'm like,

all right. So then you're like, all right. You can get a pen in there. Use your teeth. And then I'm like, all right, I'll just go big for five seconds.

That's good. No one can get mad at that. This is good. Like, the movie's going, and I'm like, I'm like, ah, I'm like this. Ah! And like, I look at her in this lady's like, she's looking at me. He's looking at me, and I'm like, oh, my God. Literally a noise maker.

It shakes with the B&Ms are hard. The bag is wrinkling and the Eminemps are shaking. It's like a rainmaker. I got to put the photo up. It's like, it's so gnarly. And I've always seen people bite that. I've never been a bite guy. I don't know how to do the tear with the teeth.

They do with the ketchup. but I've seen it. So I'm like, all right, maybe this is the moment. I'm 44 and a half. This is the moment I'm going to try the teeth thing. But you've got a type 2 mouth. You can't get an M&M bag in there. I put it in and it just kept slipping because my teeth are wet.

Oh. They're in my mouth. So now the bag's all wet. You can't get in the hole. So now I'm taking my... I'm literally missing the movie. I have no idea what's going on. They're talking.

It's all the setup, all the stuff. And I'm like, ah! I tried to open it like chips. It was crazy, dude. And then you have this. thing with like your brain is going like I want M&Ms, it's like Coglin's Law, what's that called?

Murphy's Tits. Who's the Pavlov's dog? Oh, I'm way up. That's dark and the movies on. So I want M&Ms. My brain is like and they're so close. So I'm like, fuck. So finally I'm like, all right, I can't be disturbing people. So I walked down into

the little alley, the opening way. Oh, wow, very considerate. Well, I'm trying to still take in some movies. So I can see like a third of the screen. I'm like, who's this guy? Okay, all right, I got it. The back room is spooky. I got it. I tell you, this might be better than the movie. I'd just be watching the weird-looking guy with the bag.

So I'm down there like, but it's still noise. It's still like, good Lord. So I'm like, what the fuck? So I'm like, all right, who's talking now? All right, it's a white guy talking about black guy. Okay, the back room is, it's a back room. So I go outside. I'm like, I need light.

Let me go outside. I'll catch my breath. So I walk out. Now I'm just in the lobby. And I'm trying to keep my foot ajar, the door ajar with my foot so I can hear. I literally I'm like this went on for like 20 minutes a security guy walks by a young like Latino or maybe he's Middle Eastern I don't know what the hell he was

he was brown nice guy I go excuse me pardon me I'm sorry I'm and now I still feel like an 18 year old kid same I'm a middle age man I'm 44 years old I have a gray beard and a fucking son yeah I'm like I'm sorry do you have anything sharp by any chance on you and the guy's like no Latino he might have a name he's like what you're talking about I'm like you don't have any, all right, look at this bag, and now I bring him in.

I'm like, is you see this? He's like, no, you got to tear it here. You got it right here. That's where you tear. And I'm like, I know, but I ripped too high. Yeah. And then I just handed it to him like, any, and now he's holding my bag. Eminem's like, what are you talking about?

Oh, boy. So he did like a half of an attack. He's like, I don't know, man. You can tell. He's like, I can't be part of this. It's just somehow it feels gay. So then. I'm opening a man's candy.

I try one more time. And I was like, fuck the movie. Fuck my life. I walked all the way up to the desk, and there's three 11-year-old girls working there with, like, pig tails, chewing gum. That's hot. And I'm like, do you guys have scissors back there?

And I show them the bag. One of the most humiliating moments of my life. Is it mangled? It's crazy. I'll send you the photo. Beating up. It looks like just hell with jizz. It's fucking nuts.

It's like that mugshot of Rihanna. Oh, let me see if I can find it. If I'm doing a skit, the light. Dude. Oh, where is? Oh, here it is. you can see it's all like... Oh, mama!

It's jesus. It looks like Gaza. It's crazy. I don't know if we can get a shot of that old. Put it in post. Good lighting in there. That's like a renaissance painting. So I bring this up to the lady.

I'm like, could you cut this for me? Literally, I'm asking a nine-year-old girl, and she goes and she's like, oh, yeah, you got it. I'm sorry. And they're talking to be like, I'm a geriatric asshole. And they're like, sometimes the bags can be a little tricky. I'm like, I know. So she goes, and then she cuts it like halfway down the bag, perfectly all the way across.

And I'm like, thank you so much. I go back in the cinema. And you wanted to be like, I got it, guys. Right. Don't worry. So I went back up and ate the M&Ms. Wow. Maybe the worst time to make a hard bag to open.

Yeah. I would say condoms are similar. Condoms should be way easier. But, you know, we're the throes of passion, and you got me. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Come on. That's how I felt.

It was just very slippery. And when you want it, you're like an ape with a can of beans. You're like, ah, you're biting it? You ever see those tribesmen with a Coke? They have a 2-liter of plastic Coke, and they're like biting into the plastic. Their teeth are running up and down it. They're throwing it on the ground. It's bubbling, and they want it so bad, but they can't get in there.

Did I tell you about my Spaghetti-O-can incident? I must have told this story. Oh, hit me, Fanny. This was New Year's Eve. I was in Livonia, Michigan. I had to look it up what year. Wow, quit bragging. I was drinking.

It must have been 2010 or something like that. God, LaVonia for New Year's Eve. Does it get more depressing? Yeah, Joey's in Livonia. Joey Juno. And I bought, I was drunk and walking home, and there was a 7-Eleven open, and I bought SpaghettiOs. I was like, I'm going to make some SpaghettiOs.

I have a microwave. Then I, for some reason, it didn't occur to me. I got all the way back to the hotel. I had like two cans of SpaghettiOs, and I realized I had no can opener. Sure. So. To condo? This is still, no.

It was a hotel. Okay. But I was still, this is one of my proudest moments because people think I'm dumb. They're right, you're an idiot. You're retarded. Sorry about that. I got a bag of, I mean, a can of SpaghettiOs, and I took a pen. What do you got?

Salis, it's just sending us a sign. Oh, wow. Oh, geez. Well, how did that happen? Wow, just like that. So I take a pen. Tell me this isn't brilliant. This is Sally.

You're going to appreciate this. I had the SpaghettiOs. I took a pen and just started stabbing it. to preforate it. Uh-huh. So I went, God, God, God, and I was like,

ding, ding, ding, ding. And then I took a wooden coat hanger and bashed it in after the preparation for the pet. Yes, yes. And I got it open. It was like, it was all gnarled and nasty.

And it was like 1.30 in the morning and I got to knock my door. The guy was like, excuse me, is there a banging in here? You banging? I was like, oh.

Sorry, but it's so funny. Covered in red sauce. I didn't kill anybody, I swear. Well, you're getting a noise complaint. It's just you. I'm like, oh, yeah.

I didn't have a can opener. Should I show him the spaghetti? I look like such a cycle because it's just fucking like shrapneled old nailing. I'm like, so all good. The guy's like, all right, yeah. Just, the neighbors, you were banging.

It was like a rhythmic banging. I'm like, sorry about that. And I had a second can. I'm like, I guess I'll just eat this tomorrow. When you hear banging a hotel room, you're like, hey, good for you. And then you say, oh, no, it's just me with a can of fucking spaghettias.

But that's pretty good. Yeah, you got in there. Pretty ingenious. I got one of those as well. We got to wrap this up. It's kind of fun when you're up against it. You know, you're like, I got to figure this out. One time, me and my friends were having a sleepover,

and his parents were so strict. They're like, don't come upstairs, don't do anything. Leave us alone. Shut up. Lights out at midnight, whatever. So it's like four in the morning. We're still up, but we're starving because she didn't feed us that cut. So we snuck upstairs.

They had a kitchen upstairs. We snuck upstairs, got a frozen pizza, but we couldn't do an oven. Right. That's going to be too loud. Just getting the pizza was already risky. So we go back downstairs. we found a lamp and we put that pizza on top of the lampshade. It cooked it.

A frozen pizza? Well, it took about six hours and it was still icy, but we ate it. Wow. I mean, that's old school because those old light bulbs, light bulbs aren't hot anymore. It was a hot. Back in the day, I remember putting a rock. I had like a, I don't know why I had a rock. It was like a little rock.

Like we had a rock driveway and I just had it and I put it on top of the light bulb for like an hour. I don't know what I thought. You know, you're just a kid. You're just retarded. I did all that stuff. So I just put it on there, and then I remember picking up me like, wah! Yes.

It was like home alone. I had a big ham on my fingers. And I remember, you know, you have those moments in life where afterwards you're like, I think I'm retarded. Yeah. Like by yourself, you're literally like, I put it on a hot, but I forgot about those light bulbs. You could seriously fucking cind yourself with a light bulb.

This was 1992 or something. They were still hot. That's one of those things you don't think about because the future always seems bleak and all these things. No, we're cooking. You can order a Starbucks ahead of time and send Salick used to go get it. Or you can back in there. If you bumped into a lamp, you were on the DL for 15 days. Ah, shit.

Remember those pipes that would be in your apartment? You'd back into that pipe in the bathroom, blow, fry your ass off. It's all pipes. You got that right, Faddy. Where are you going to be? Where am I going to Tacoma and Portland, Oregon, two trips to the Pacific Northwest, the PNW, my favorite place, my home away from home. Austin, my other home away from home, away from home.

First weekend of September. Make sure you get those tickets, so it's not a bunch of fucking douche clowns there. I want the Tuesdays there. Austin, what's the name of the club? Mothership. Jesus Christ, I'm losing my brain. Comedy mothership, first weekend in September. Tacoma Comedy Club, I think July 17th of the 19th, something like that.

And then back to the Portland Helium. And then not till October, but I'm in Philadelphia, Philly Helium. And Toronto, I am coming there. September. I teased it. And now I can't remember the day. September, I believe, 24th, one night only. So, yeah, check that out. And I made the mistake of looking at my text.

I got 400 texts. And join the Patreon, please, for the love of God. We're putting all kinds of fun stuff up there. We're about to, well, maybe we're recording a bonus. I don't know what we're doing. But yeah. We'll see what happens. Yeah, yeah.

All kinds of great stuff. Live apps, you name it. And I will be, just got back from Spokane. but going to Houston, San Francisco, Nashville. We added a show, Charleston, North Carolina, and... Spokane? No, no, no, no. Seattle, thank you.

Seattle, folks. Come on out, say hello, Markonomicowdy.com. Give it a good. Give it a whirl. Sally, you want to plug anything with your fake vintage? Called Pushing Boulder. Oh, yeah, it's a hit. It's a hit.

It's on YouTube. It's free. Go watch it. It's amazing. Over half the mill. There you go. Looking, Brett Ernst. Yeah.

And, yeah, thank you. And be kind and please the way. Raise a lot.