Tuesdays with Stories! - #664 Hoofenmouth

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

Joe fails on a framing mission. Will Mark make Ari Shaffir's going away party before he moves to the UK? It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com   - Support the show & start your free Shopify trial @ https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Find & instantly book doctors appointments with ZocDoc @ http://ZocDoc.com/TUESDAYS - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/  

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. I'm wearing a jacket to make it look like it's a different day, but here we are, folks. Woo! It's the same day. George is saying, cut it. Tell them what you told us. What? Hand foot and mouth?

Oh, God, not that. Yeah, I think the wife's got hand foot and dick disease, and it's contagious. Now, does she have it, and the baby doesn't? I'm confused by this. That's what I don't get. The baby is cool as a cucumber, and she looks like a guy from Total Recall. What is she fingering kids on her side project? Is she coming back here?

I don't want to see this, bitch. I don't think she left for good, to be honest, a long time ago. Thank God. I don't know where she's at. But she just texted. So she's at the doctor? No, I think she's at the playground. Spreading it.

With the baby. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm itchy now. Now that she's texting me, I can't stop thinking about it. I got bugs on my skin. So she texted and said, hey, I got hand foot and anal? She goes, hey, I think, because she's complaining all night.

Like, oh, my feet feel weird. They feel like, like, pokey. And I said, oh, you know, it's probably fiberglass. You know, and you're a guy, you just want to be like, you don't want to say, I don't know. So you're like, oh, the insulation? Yeah, I was like, it's probably asbestos. What were you doing some construction? Were you in a crawl space?

She was like, no. But she's, the baby's not complaining? Baby's good. I feel like he'd be fevery and pink and gay. No, he's gay, but no pink. This might be the first recorded incident of a mother getting handfoot without the sun. Yeah. Well, she's a pedophile. Matt's looking it up.

Where you got? Where MD is also calling it hoof and mouth. Jeez. Hoof! That's rude. The hoof. Okay. What is it the paw? It's a sin. You can't leave it. I take this knife. It's a good knife. Anyways, well, hopefully it's okay. But I meant the part that you got nothing. Oh, sorry. You got

tell him you got nothing. Sorry. Yeah, I got nothing. I'm out of stories. Nothing crazy happened to me. But I'll digress. Well, we'll get some stuff because if you don't say I got nothing and I start talking, they're going to be like, this piece of shit can suck my ass. He didn't let Mark say a story. No, no, speak, say. And because you said you got nothing now, Salicuse has a mic and he's got notes.

He does have something. He just found your notebook mark. Oh, that's not my buddy wrote that. Oh, shit. How funny is that? What's the deal with milk bones? It's not like you can drink it. He's fucking with me. This guy sells out theaters. That's fun. I didn't write that.

What is milk bones? Like the dog milk bone. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see. Yeah, I tried it. It didn't work. But, no, my buddy Bo was over here. He's not a comic, but he was down here working, and he was like, I'm going to use his notebook and fuck with him and write a bad joke.

Maybe we should chew some gum. Sure. Everyone's why I get gum. I'm like, this is fun. That's a lot of gum. I like gum. This relationship has to be about something. I'm a little low on gum.

Yeah. I was going to give a mark a piece. Oh, we could cut one at half. Yeah. Cut the gum in half. Don't touch him. Oh, yeah. You rip it in half.

I can't stop. I got bugs on me. Well, we could kill like 20 minutes with a Starbucks order. In the crack. You got it. Oh, yeah. Love that. People got to love that.

Oh, yeah. Get the hell out of here. I'll take an omnipop or whatever the hell it's called. Are you going to Starbucks, really? Why don't I order on the app, though? We got to cut this. I mean, they go nuts about the Starbucks order. They love Starbucks.

They can't handle it. You guys got nothing. I got tons of shit. I can't get a worded on this show. I got hand, foot, and mouth. I got stuff still from Ireland. Ah. That one's gone.

It doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, it's gone. It burned. But there's one right around the corner. Around the corner of the cafe 80s, guy named Griff, just say no. Left out the door? Well, I can't give you all directions. Left out the door.

Right. And then you'll hit the target. Atlantic. No, no, not the target. Go to the Atlantic Station terminal. Google, but you don't know what I want. It takes a second. It takes a second.

Pause this, this is good stuff. You tell a story. I'll tell a story. They hate this. And they blame me. Have ever told you about the time? I flipped my girlfriend's car flipped? I think I told that last week, actually.

Shit. All right, let me tell another story. Flip like you bought it and made it better and sold it? No, like she flipped it in a ditch upside down. Upside down and inside out. We went tubing into Bogachita, which is a Greek in Louisiana. I thought that was the guy from Star Wars. Boba Fett.

Yes, yes. So we went to the Boguchita. This is what we should do to kill time. We buy a case of beer. You go there, you can rent tubes. They take out a school bus, and you jump in a creek, and you put one of the cases on the tube. Then you tie the tube to your tube.

Give me my phone back. What are you talking about? Sorry, I hit the story, but he's taking my phone. Did you order? I'm itchy. No, I'm ordering. Itchy and scratchy. Yeah, you're supposed to go and order your thing, you had numbscow.

Bogachita. So you got the tubes, your tubes tied. You put the case on a tube, you tie that tube to your tube. So now you got the hovering beer, and the water's cold, so it keeps the beer cold. It's that cold? It's pretty cold. There was significant shrinkage. So we're floating down, we're drinking, me and my girlfriend at the time.

Megan. Hey, I know, you remember Megan? Of course, I love Megan. Good egg. The one that got away. I always say that. But she died a hand foot and mouth. That's funny.

She, we, we, oh, God, that guy looked like my dad. I got spooked. Oh, yeah, I can see it. So we pull off the group and we bang on a sandbar. Nice. You know, we're 17, whatever. That's what you do. You date her for a long time.

too long. So we bang on the sandbar. I remember it popped out and I hit the sand and I put it back in, not thinking. Oh, I remember this story. Yeah. So then we get back on the tube. We're drinking all day, drinking all night, fucking living it up out in the Louisiana sun.

Now the sun's going down. So I'm like, right, we got to get back. You don't want to be on the Bogachita after hours. I don't want to be on before hours. Well, that's when deliverance comes out. Dilling, ding, ding, ding, ding. Get the toothless yokel out there with one eye. So we jump back on the school bus.

Some psychos driving you have, some ex-con with a tattoo on his neck. You get back to where all your cars are parked. It was her car. So she just instinctively got in her car, started driving. My buddy in the back, who's now a Marine, yells, gun it! And, you know, we're in the woods here. So you've got to, like, get to civilization. So he yells, he just yells, gun it.

So she goes, okay, I'm an idiot. hits the pedal to the metal, a curve comes, she swerves it, boom. We roll a few times laying in a ditch upside down. We're hanging upside down. I hit the seatbelt, and then you fall, you know. And then she's crying out of her mind. I'm itchy, Jerry. Are you really itchy?

I'm a little itchy, yeah. I think it's mental. It might be mental. I don't think your inner thigh itches with hand, foot, mouth. You're right. It hit my dick, too. So we're flipped over. She's crying.

I'm like, everybody okay. Oh, my God. My buddy's in the back like my head. Head hurts. It's a flat noodle. So I hike that door open, crawl out the window, get her out. She's in a bikini, mind you. Whoa.

So all the fucking retard hillbilly woods backyard, what do you call the boondocks? Back to back home runs. All these old cops come out. like out of dukes a hazard. They're all like, you know, they got the handkerchief. I do declare, you know, all this shit. And they're like, so what happened here, young lady? And her tit is out.

Oh, my God. I'm going to come. This woman is drinking and driving. She's underage to drink. The car's flipped. She could have killed all of us. I think the car was not in her name. It was all kinds of fucked up shit.

We got booze in the car. This woman is going to jail. I'm getting fucked in the ass. And we're never going to see each other again. But the tit is out. And this is a 17-year-old Primo C-C-cup. 17-100. 17, you know what I mean.

So it's out, and they're going, Woo, all right, that's a hot night, huh? And they're trying to be diplomatic, but it's tit time. And nobody said, hey, put your tit away, you skank. No, because she was crying like, ooh-oh. So they were like, it's okay, it's okay, it's going to be all right. but the tits out, so they're just like, you know what?

We'll get a few photos and you guys get the hell out of here. So one of my friends called his dad. His dad ended up having to pick us up. It took like an hour and a half to come get us. But we got out of it. Wow. So they towed the car. Everyone was getting away with everything back there because what's his toes has that story.

You know who? Scotland. Green. Scotland Green was on our podcast. I told the story about it. He was driving drunk, drove up, hit his parents' house. So the neighbor's house got out, the cops came. And nothing happened.

He just walked off. And down south, 1997. Yeah. That was like some old school race stuff going on, I think. Oh, for sure. There's white people that sound alike were just doing blow and... It was like, it's like that Eddie Murphy skits where he goes to buy the newspaper. Like, just take it, man.

Take it. That's what it felt like back then with the white priv. Although my buddy in the back was a Marine was black. He was like, gun it. He was a black guy. So we had one amongst us. Okay, it was a colored fella. But, you know, she's the one driving getting off.

I wonder if it was switched around. If his dick was hanging out, they might have tased him. Oh, if his dick was hanging out, he'd be, he'd got in the chair. The old tailpipe. Just his dick would have got in the chair. They would put his dick in a chair and pulled the switch.

No siren, just a real F word. Woo, woo, woo. Pull over. What's the last special you watch that you were like? This is unbelievably good. I was thinking about this the other day. Well, I liked the Chris Fleming special. Yeah.

Very funny. but that Regan one where he's got the shirt, the blue shirt on at the improv, and he's measuring the box, but he can't see the numbers on the scale. I walked on the moon, my favorite. Oh, my God, is that hilarious. Yeah, that's from 1996 or something like that. No, it's got to be later than that, huh? I would say 2020.

Probably like 0-20-20? No, 2020? I'm sorry, 2002. Yeah, something like that. Okay. 2003, something like that. Wow. In that area.

I mean, the idea that obviously, I know we're talking gibberish to these quefs at home, but... I know Brian Regan. But go watch that special. Walk a man on the moon? I walked on the moon. It's my number one best special ever. Oh, really? I think that's the one you just did, by the way.

That improv, that's... Tempe? No, but the week before that. Irvine. I think it's Irvine. Is that right? It's either Irvine or the other one I confuse. There's two in California.

There's Brea, Irvine. I confuse Brea and Irvine. I can't remember which one's his special. Both O's... see, then there's Oxnard, which is heavily Hispanic. Why don't you give that an AI quiz? Let me ask AI about this. Annal insertion.

Brian Regan, I walked on the moon comedy special. When did it come out and where was it shot? Thank you. Don't kill us all. All right, it's thinking. Do they like the thank you? 2004, nailed it. 55-minute special.

Beautiful. Doesn't it say where it's shot? Motherfucker. Yeah. Uh, no. But I just love the idea of the box. Oh, Irvine. Oh, you nailed it.

I nailed both. I love the idea of the box special, or the box, a bit, because that obviously happened to him. Right. Like, he's so funny, this thing happened, and he's like, I'm going to make the funniest sketch about, or skit or whatever you want to call it, bit about this of all time. No, that special is just the greatest. And it's in a club, which I love. I love a club spesh. I might go rewatch that.

I actually haven't watched that in 20. years. Yeah, it's amazing. It's the greatest. Well, what's a good one? You popped in recently where you're like, whoa, mama, this guy's humming. I never watch specials. Poor gal. Well, my thing with the special, I want to see comedy live because and this is an

ongoing debate conversation. I'm like, the idea of me sitting at home and watching more comedy is crazy to me. That's a good point. I'm at a club every fucking night for 26 years and I don't get to watch, especially with the baby, I don't get to watch enough movies, then you have sports. So I'm either watching

sports. And if I'm not watching sports, I've got to watch a movie. But then I like docs and I also like dramas. I like comp, whatever. So the idea of like, we're going to sit down and pop on a comedy special. I just never watch them. That's true. I try to pop in the room because it's so much better in the room anyways. Yeah, it's like whenever people meet me and my wife, they're like, you both like comedy, both do comedy, you guys must make each other laugh all day long. I'm like, actually, we don't talk and avoid each other. Yeah, we stare at each other and, uh... Yeah, just got a hand foot and mouth. Oh, God. If I get that, I'm going to be furious. I think I'm okay.

Ah! But I got some stuff over here. Oh, please. Put it right in my ass. I have nothing. I got stuff. Put it on the record. All over my back, all over my chest.

Well, this happened weeks ago. Some of these stories go way back. That's my grandmother does. Don't touch me! Oh, sorry. She does this one. How you do it? Your grandmother to do that?

No, my grandmothers are dead. Well, mine are dead too, but they would... That was always the... Hello, was the... No, no. There's no touching in my family. Really? He's touching anybody.

I like it that way. Okay. Okay. No hug? Now my family will hug a little bit. My grandparents certainly were not touching. My father's mother, forget it. She's like Irish, Irish.

Like, said arse and stuff. And we did not make any physical contact. I never saw her and her husband kiss, touch, hold hands, say hello. Very rare. Now, when do they croak? Probably 2008-ish, nine, maybe. So you were online. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a good run. Well, that's, there's another story. My grandmother was 88, was going to get the paper, slipped and fell down the stair, like, smashed her face open. Come on. Yeah, like, she died, like. Get the paper, get the paper. In a hospital with the neck brace and, like, bruised.

It was nasty. One ball, do it. I had this. This was like my pony remark situation from the Seinfeld. I was talking to SD. SD, the comedy seller Booker famously, you know. Old Israeli broad. Yeah.

She's scared. to some people. And this is when I was new at the club. You're always nervous. You're on thin ice. You're scared. And I was like, yeah, my grandmother died. Get in the paper.

I'm like, what's an 88-year-old woman getting the paper for anyway? And she was like, I read the paper. What do you think? Because she's all, you should always be informed. You should never stop being informed. I was like, my grandmother's face got smashed in. She's dead.

Yes, yes, she did. Who cares about the news? She died, bloodied and bashed. I'm just saying if she hadn't been reading the newspaper. And she's like, you should always read the paper because she's a woman. She's like, that's sexist and it's ageist. It was like this thing, and I was like, Ah!

How'd we get here? And I'm like, I'm never going to get booked again. It's all because my grandmother's face exploded. I know. Wow. But that was like one of those, it literally felt like, who has a pony? Yes. I had the pony.

Like, it was exactly that. I know. And then you want to, oh, we shouldn't talk too much about the comedy store, comedy seller booker, but you want to just go, hey, relax. I'll tell the story here. But she's the booker. So you go, oh, you're right. What a fool.

I am. I'm so sorry. I take it all back. She should be informed. I bought her a New York Times subscription, but you go, you should go, all right, back off, bitch. Right. You're like, now you're making a great point. I'm very happy that she, in her 89th year, slid down the stairs face first, like fucking Joe Pesci and Home Alone. Exactly. By the way, there's no chance Salacuse is coming back with the... He doesn't even realize, he doesn't know which one, he doesn't know what I ordered. No, I gave him the wrong directions, too. How about he just goes, I take a left? Like, I'm like, so we're going to write down the... What is this, 85?

Yeah, what are it? Google Maps over here. A left, a right, then you're going to see whatever. MapQuest. He's not coming. Ray ain't coming home. He's not getting that soda of yours either. I'll tell you that. Did you put it on the list?

I didn't because I'll text him. I'll call him. Call him. Put it on speak. That's what we'll do. There we go. Sal Acuse. I bet you.

I got stories. Don't you worry. I can't wait. Cell, Volcano. Oh, he's good. Oh, he's the best. I got to see him the other day. Oh, my knee itches.

All right, let's see what happens here. This is good podcasting. He's not going to answer. Ray ain't coming home. I don't know if he'll remember the soda because you said the soda. I don't remember. I'm going to call it right now. He's going to come back with two cups of coffee.

I hate when people say you've reached. I haven't reached. Oh. They go, I've reached Matt Salacus. That's good. No, I have not reached you. There he is. He only has one coffee.

No soda. Oh, so he ordered himself something. No soda. That's in his pocket. Could be in the pocket. No, no pocket. Oh, I bet he didn't take my tea bag out either. This guy doesn't know what he's doing.

No chance. No chance. I said Omnipop. I don't even know if that's what's called. I heard you say Omnipop. I think that's an agency. Did you get Marcus Soda? Did not see a soda. Oh, boy.

We just called you. Thank you, buddy. You're a good man, and I know you're going to win. What movie? Taxi Driver. That's right. What did you get? Sammy.

Damn. Samaril. You're a good man. I know you're going to win. Flush this whole fucking city right down the fucking toilet. Whoa. You took the tea bag out. I took it out.

You're a good friend. You're a bad, bad employee, but you're a good friend. All right. No soda. Let me get some story. Yeah, he didn't get the soda. I knew it. I thought you put it on the blower.

Well, we didn't put it on the blower because I handed it to him and then I forgot. Whoa, look at that cheese. That looks delicious. That does look pretty good. I know they had sandwiches at Starbucks. What if I want to go in to get one of those sandwiches I like? My contend that is top five funniest lines. in a Martin Scorsese movie of all time.

They're like, you're banned from the casino. You can't set foot in there. And he goes, what if I want to go in there to get one of those sandwiches I like? No one thinks of sandwiches at a casino. Perfectly retarded thing to say. You're banned. You're banned for life.

You can't go in there. Yeah, but what if I want to get one of those sandwiches that I like? What a fucking sentence? I know. Not one of those sandwiches I don't like. Well, I think what he's saying is, all right, it's a casino. I can't gamble.

I can't get trouble, but let me get a sandwich. He goes, you can't even set fun on the property. which is another great sandwich line is in Goodfellas which no one ever notices it's like the most under the nose under the radar line and he goes, we got to go on a diet

tomorrow we eat sandwiches tomorrow we eat sandwiches that's their idea of a diet that could be a great t-shirt tomorrow we eat sandwiches that's so fucking funny you gotta go on a diet tomorrow we eat sandwiches it's like that Seinfeld line

you're telling me Jared from Subway lost 500 pounds on an all hoagie diet That's funny Funny's funny Funny guy What is it Then he had the whole thing

About the pizza He's like Now they have cheese In the crust They bake your head in the middle Yeah We found more ways Put cheese

And a piece of pizza Next we're gonna have a pizza Where they bake it around You call it Hey Pizza Face Which is probably The Low End of that bit Yeah All right

Now the number one Funniest line In the Scorsese film In my opinion Is that man You work with I don't like him It's not that I don't like him. I think he's silly.

Silly is good. Silly is good. That man you work with, I don't like him. That's not that I don't like him. I think that he's silly. Wooee! Tuesday's stories brought it by Blue Chew. What do women want? Start with a nice consensual dick appointment thanks to Blue Chew.

Blue Chew Gold is a 4-1 tablet with a new arousal boosting formula design for better sex to get you turned on mentally and physically. so you can focus on the good stuff. Blue shoe's the best. You know it. I know it. Don't have to worry about being nervous, getting in your head. Don't get in your head. Get some head.

That's what I say. It's all mental. And, you know, maybe some whiskey, maybe some age thrown in. But either way, that boner can be hard to come by. Uh-oh, come by. What? No more waiting for a pill to kick in. No more performance anxiety.

The process is one. 100% online and super simple. There's a reason Blue Chew is the number one brand for better sex. Experience it yourself at bluechew.com. We've got a special deal for Tuesdays or Stories fans right now. When you buy two months of Blue Chew gold, you get the third month for free with promo code Tuesdays. That's promo code Tuesdays. You will also receive an additional 10% off and free overnight shipping on your first order.

Visit bluechoo.com. For more details and important safety information. Thank you, Bluchu for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Back to the show. Hey, hey, folks, Tuesday's stories brought you by Shopify. Starting a business is a big deal. Shopify is all the tools you'll need to make it happen. Shopify powers millions of businesses worldwide

from household names like Mattel and Jim Shark to brands just getting started. Shopify's templates and AI tools can help you build your site. Get it up and running fast. with no coding needed. Shopify, checkout software handles everything you need to sell. And the iconic purple shop pay button helps turn browsers into buyers. If questions come up, Shopify's built-in AI assistant sidekick is ready to help you build, troubleshoot, and keep moving.

Because Shopify handles the setup and checkout, you have more time to focus on growing your business. Shopify. All you need is an idea and Shopify handles the rest. Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Again, that's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays to start your free trial and launch your biz. Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Hey, folks, choose as broad stories. It's brought you by Zock Doc.

Finding a doctor sucks, but it doesn't have to. Thanks to Zock Doc. Zock is a free app and website that lets you start. and compare local in-network doctors. No waiting on the phone. Just click to instantly book an appointment. Read reviews from real patients and detail doctor profiles to help you pick the right care for you. Hey, we all know going to the doctor's weird. It's kooky. This sometimes just got a gosh darn question. You don't want to go all the way in and, you know, I don't have insurance. I don't know what the hell's going on over there. So you just want to talk to somebody. So get a.

an appointment going, no waiting rooms, no nonsense. Zoc Doc has more than 150,000 providers across the whole US of A. Appointments happen fast, usually within one to three days, and you can even get same-day appointments. Your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zoc Doc. Head to Zocococ.com slash Tuesdays to get started and check that appointment off your to do list. That's Z-O-K-O-C-O. C-O-C-D-O-C-D-C-com

slash Tuesdays, Zock-D-C-D-com slash Tuesdays. Thanks, Zock-Doc-D-O-T-T-T-E-C for sponsoring this message. All right, let me tell you this. All right, all right. I got nothing. So as you know, Ron Bennington, our friend, Ronnie B, the legend. Legend, love Ronnie.

One of the goats. And, you know, he's sick. He's laid up in bed over there. They invited me to come record a podcast. They call it portcast. Port. While he's getting chemo, which is crazy. Yikes.

Which I did not know chemo is like an IV drip. I thought it was like you go into like an MRI machine. Yeah. I thought they shot you in the face. It's waves of radiation. Radiation is different, I guess. You and I were thinking radiation. Yes, yes.

That must be a tube of some sort. But chemo, you're just hanging out. You have an IV in. That sounds pretty good. Yeah, I don't think it's great. But I think the main, the nastiness of chemo is like a few days later. God. Because they're just poisoning you.

Like a hangover. Which is crazy that's still our best system is like, you have a disease in you. Let's poison your entire body. I said the same thing. My friend's wife has cancer. They're like, she's not doing great. She looks like, hell, the hair's gone. It's brutal.

And I'm like, 2026, we got the cancer cells. We're aware of the cells. Can't we zap them? I think that's coming very soon. Well, this is what sucks about people getting sick in these times because the evolution, like, Sarah's dad passed away. He was overweight and had diabetes. And then Osepa came out like eight months after he died.

That's the fear is that like all the people that are going to die in the next whatever six months a year, AI, it's just like, we got the fucking thing. And you're like, go! It's like student loans, forgive it. You know, they're like, oh, we're going to wipe student loans. and I'm like, I paid him, bitch. Right.

What the hell? I should have waited. I should have just not been a good citizen and been a lazy cunt, and I would have gotten him paid. Well, I've been doing this joke on stage. Our therapist is 80, so I wait a few weeks to pay him. Hey, that's funny. I'm like, hey, he's like, hey, you owe from four weeks ago. You're like, all right, you got me, but I could save 175 bucks.

You never know. You Venmo that 175, and then two days later he croaks. You're like, fuck me. That's big. You know, it's another one is weed being legal. Like, somebody. went to jail for not for for legal, illegal weed, and then two days later, it's

legal. Thousands of people. I think a lot of them are getting exonerated though, I believe. They should get free weed for life, don't you think? Yeah, sure. They actually are being given the first rights to open weed stores. Oh, that's nice. Yes, they're saying. But that's work. I got to open a store now. But you used to sell drugs. You just do that legally now. Right. I'd rather do the street. Yeah. No permit, no payroll, no

employees, no lights, no building, no real estate. Well, that was the old thing for many years. They would just take people that were on drugs or crack, particularly black people on crack, while all the white Wall Street guys were doing Coke. No problem. They would throw them in jail. And then they came out of jail. They're like, well, now you have a record.

Plus, you joined a gang while you're in there. And then it's just a boob-bo-loop. All because they were doing a little sniffy or weed. A little cracky. Or weed. Okay. So anyways, I went to see, I was honored to be invited. I went to the hospital to go, Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. Diseases. Hand, foot, mouth. So I went and saw Ronnie B, Chris Stanley, the whole gang. They're the best. Stanley. So on the way there, I'm like, well, I'll ride my bike up there. Stanley Steamer.

And I have all this stuff I want to get framed. I had a handwritten note from our therapist saying, you're going to be a great dad. I love you. I'm like, I'm going to frame that. Then I bought a painting in Dublin by this great Irish painter. I'm like, I got to frame that. And then I had this other old family photo. My great grandfather, Albert Joseph McKinnon.

He was on this hockey team. I got this old black and white photo of him on a hockey team. Like, they're like, it looks like they're all beat up, you know. In Beantown? Yeah. Whoa. So I'm like, I'll get this frame. So I had a few framey things.

So I get the bag together. Sam, freamy. I'm like, I'll ride my bike to the frame shop. So I have my helmet. Ride. And then I'm like, okay, I don't have enough time. I'll take the subway up. So I put the helmet in the back.

So I have a bag, like a shopping bag with a painting, a helmet, and a thing. ride my bike up. I go to the frame store. It's one of these ones where you're like, okay, I got exactly enough time to ride my bike to the frame store, park the bike, I love it. Drop off the stuff, go see Ronnie B. Well, first I get to the city bike. This is the problem of city bike. You get to the city bike thing. It's all full. No spaces. Ah, I hate the no spaces. And the frame shop is right there. So I'm like, fuck.

Okay, so I got to look up. Where's there space? Okay, four blocks up, two blocks over. Ride the bike. Four blocks. You hit the red light. You hit the other red light. And you're watching the time just tick away. Yeah. Finally, I go this way, I go that way, there's a spot. So now I park the bike. But now I have to double back on foot to get back to the thing.

And that's six blocks. So I'm losing time. So I'm like, I can't be late to see Ronnie B while he's getting chemo. We're doing a show. Do you double time, little pep with a step? So I'm kind of jogging there. I get there. I got the painting, the photo, the note.

I go up to the door. I open it. And they're fans of mine. I framed my stuff. They're fan. You're Joe List. Oh, my God. They gave me a discount.

I got my toy story poster framed. I go to open the door, locked, I look up, piece of paper. We are no longer in business. After 38 years, we're taking off. No exceptions. Doesn't matter how small, doesn't matter if we know you, it doesn't matter if we're a fan of your comedy. We are not taking any more orders.

And I was like, fuck! Wow. So now I'm like, well, I've run out of time. So I take the bag, I go uptown, and I'm like, I'm going in to meet Ron. Yeah. I got a little brown bag with a handle on it, filled the stuff. It looks like I'm showing up with all kinds of treats. Oh, with a gift.

None of it's for him. I'm like, hey, good to see it. He's like, oh, my God, you're the most thoughtful person in the world. I love you. And I go, yeah, this is a... This is mine. This is my bike helmet, my note saying, you're going to have a blessed life, whatever. Sure.

But I did get him a card. I wrote a nice thing. Thank God you got the card. I had the card. And I bought Starburst, too. I was like, I stopped at Walgreens. I'm like, I got to have something. So I bought a big bag of Starburst, and he's like, I'll die.

Oh, yeah. It'll kill him. I have stomach cancer. I'm getting chemo. Did you throw it at him? I was like, really? You can't have a starburst? He's like, what are you nuts?

Oh, yeah. He stopped and got jujuice. Your friend was in the hospital. He's like, my veins would explode, you piece of shit. So I was like, oh, sorry, but then I'm just stuffing strawberry fruit shoes in my mouth while he's getting chemo. But it was a great hang, and he's just the bad. I mean, I'm the most special person in the fucking world and hilarious, and was hilarious through the podcast. Oh, he's great.

Great broad. Funny guy. Great comic. And yeah, just a legend. So I was honored to be there and see him. Well, he's the best. Speaking of the city bike, I take the city bike all over town doing sets. I don't know how I ever did sets without city bike. It's the most convenient.

If you go into the stand to New York Comedy Club, that's a, to the 4th Street one, that's literally like a 12-block walk with a couple avenues. Yeah. That'll take you 40 minutes or whatever. Yeah. On the bike, it's four minutes. And there's a bike station in front of both clubs.

In front of both clubs. I used to be the hoofing guy. I'll be right there. Then you run in, you do it. You saw me. I was always huffing and puffing. Yeah. So now I'm doing the bike thing, but the fucking bike on 4th Street always is full.

I don't know why. I hate the full. That's what we had the first time you and I rode. Oh, yeah. So I don't know what it is, but I'm like, all right, I got to be there in three minutes. I'm a block away. It's going to be smooth sailing. You get there.

No bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bike, no bagel. All right, fuck. So then I went to one, two blocks away. You know, you start getting a little more desperate. You're like, oh, I don't want to go that far, but I'll take anything at this point. So then you go two blocks away, all full. So I call the club and I go, okay, all the bikes are full. I'm here.

They're like, where are you? You're on next? I lit the guy. So I bring the bike and I bring it into the lobby. Wow. I had to. It was like a baby. I was like, I can't just leave it out here.

They'll get stolen. I've had the same thought because everything in you is like, this doesn't belong to me. I can just leave it here. But then a hobo takes it and it costs you $750. Exactly. So I bring it in the lobby, which is weird. It's like bang, bung, bung, bung.

It's heavy, too. Down the six stairs, yeah. Then you open the door and the bounces, like, what the fuck? So I go, just hold this. And I do my set. Goes well. I make jokes. I got a bike out there.

You're not going to believe it. And I get off stage and the bike's gone. And I'm like, what happened to the bike? And I go, oh, then. The waiter docked it. Oh. So waiter docked it. Wow.

What a guy. That's a good dock. A lot of times dock is bad. Hey. They docked your pay. Yeah. Right. You work on the docks.

Yeah. Yeah. They do a dock about you? That's bad. Michael Jackson. Mail docking? What's male docking? Tip to tip.

Pins with foreskin. And you put one inside the other. Oh, that's fun. That's how we bet. Oh. So. Oh. Oh, that's like Robin Williams.

Oh, ho. So, wait, I had another thing. But you go, oh, I got my thing. Yeah, go. Give me the thing. Well, I had a 90s moment. Uh-huh. Don't you hate a 90s moment?

You forget how good we got it these days. Sometimes I like a 90s moment. Sometimes they're good, but this one was bad. So Ari, that pimple. Oh, I remember this. He's moving to London. I know. Believe me.

So he had a big going on. Oh, there's the way. Hit a big going away party. Our hands are all swollen. Oh, God. She's falling apart. Why don't you help her out there, Sally? She needs help.

He's going to get diseases. Oh, yeah, good point. Wear a glove or two, maybe a coat and hazbat. Oh, my God. All right. He's coming out. He's coming out. Here comes Salacus.

Hand foot. Oh, there you go. Oh, boy. Cute lady. Cute lady. I was hoping she wouldn't come home. You get the, he should get the stroller. Let her get the baby because they're both infected.

I'm itchy. No, I think you're okay. Okay. I think you'd have a fever. I think he pulled his back. All right. A fever, really? I think that's fevery.

You don't have a fever. I got a fever. What the hell are you talking about? Oh, yeah, Ari. So Ari is moving to London. Moving to London. I feel like he was just here for five minutes. He was in Machu Picchu for a year, and now he's been back for 10 minutes, and he's like, I'm leaving again.

Too much for me. He's got a ponytail. He's a queen of. Does he? Yeah, he's a little man bun. Ah, gross. Probably a man bagel if you're a Jew. But so he goes, I'm having a going away party tonight.

Everybody's coming. Liz, Shane, the butler, come on by. And I go, great, I'll be there. And I just had one of those bad nights where you do three sets, let them go great. It was a little rainy. I'm gay. And you're like, I'm going home.

Oh, there it is. There it is. It's coming. It's coming, Jerry. I'm coming to join you, honey. So I had the, you know, one of those nights where you're like, I got to be up with the baby. It's already 10.30.

If I go there now, I won't get home to 1230. Then you got to be up at 4. You better wash you up there, Faddy. Did you touch her? No. Touch the baby? Does she look like shit? She looked fine.

Did you kiss? But I carried that stroller up. I was face-to-face with the big fish. Face-to-face with a blowhole. Oh. Does he have it, though? Whoa, big fella. Ten feet tall if he was a foot.

He looked fine. All right. Okay, great. How'd she look? Fine. Hands? Swollen like balloons? Just like two balloons.

Great song. So, I missed Ari's going away party. Yeah. And I watched it. Like, you were there, Shane Soder? I should have gone. Ran Azizzi, Sal. Oh, fuck.

They did an episode, right? Yeah. Yeah, I should have gone. I feel bad. Also, Shane, I keep bumping into, but without calling, like, I keep forgetting he's in New York. Then I'm at the cellar, and I'm like, oh, hey. And he's like, oh, hey. And he's like, you don't tell me you're here, but then I'm like, why would he tell me he's here?

But it's that weird thing where you're like, he's living here. Yeah, I'm like, it's weird you hear and I don't know it. Right. But why would I know it? I don't know. So. I think you got disease. I think you're all fucked up.

I'm off, Jerry. So I go, uh, all right. I feel horrible. I text ARI. Because when someone's leaving, you don't really think they're leaving. It's like when someone dies, you go, oh, shut up, ha ha. You know those movies where the guy croaks? And they're like, hey, come on, Billy, quit joking around.

And he's like, come on, quit. Right, right. But also, the thing about moving, it doesn't matter. We don't see each other that much. And when you do, you bump into each other. Like, he went eight months without seeing him. That's a good point. I'll probably see him more reason.

Like, he'll be back. He has the gig. We'll see him at Skank Fest, which is, what, three months away? Yeah, it's a good point. And then, what I talk about with Texas? I'm like, Sam's like crying. He's like, don't move. Whatever you do, I'll kill myself. I'm like, you won't even know.

It's a good point. I don't have to tell you. I go literally weeks without, I haven't seen Salacuse in two months. That's true. Must be nice. You text people, and you go, believe me, you text people, you go, oh, hey, you know, we have a pod. If we were for the pod, when the fuck would I see you? At the stand for 10 minutes.

I guess it's a mental thing. You go, oh, he's going across the ocean, across the pond. It's a whole other world over there. He'll move back within a year and a half. Okay. And then we'll go to London every year and a half. Good point. And we'll see him at Skagfest. Scoobly Boop. And you kind of have that with a career, too. I'm like, I haven't posted a thing in three days. I'm all about irrelevant. Right. Nobody noticed. Nobody cared. No, no one cares. Did he tell you why he's moving? I don't... He just likes to mix it up. He likes to move. Try something different. The scene, the blah, blah, blah. He's running from something. Yeah, he's got mental problems, obviously. People act like Ari's like, are he's

cool in this thing. Yeah, he's scared to live a proper life. He's like, ah, I got to do mushrooms. Go live in the woods for six months. It's not good. Right, right. He's like, ah, I'll be in fucking Tyquandot for two years. No one call me. Don't talk to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess no one looking for themselves isn't lost to start. Oh, right. Salcousious. Yeah, I have a friend he does ayahuasca, like every six months, and I'm like, how to go? He's like, figured out the universe.

got it all done, cleaned everything up up here, the attic's cleaned. And I'm like, so what's the key to life? And he's like, I don't know, I'm going back in six months. So what is this? Well, Ari's like 58 years old. Sarah and I went and visited him in Ecuador, and he's like, yeah, you know, I couldn't talk to my boyfriend for six. They separate us. You're not allowed to look anyone in the eye.

I'm like, I'm like this. This is like the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. He's like, we were throwing up for the first half hour. I cried for two hours. Yes. And I'm like, have a beer, you fucking goofball. Exactly. Just have a fucking beer. Watch the game. Stop it.

Thank you. I know. You're silly. Yeah. So either way. I like him, but he's silly. That man you worked with, I don't like him. You silly, Jerry. So I go, all right, well, I missed the party. And I text him the next day.

I go, sorry, I missed the party. I suck. I'm a flake. I hate myself. What are you doing tonight? And he goes, tonight, I'm leaving. And I go, yeah, well, when? And he goes, 4 p.m.

I go, oh, shit. What times it now? Noon. I go, ah, I got some stuff to do, but I'll come to your house at like three and I'll see you off. And he was like, okay, I'll be walking the dog, but come by. And he wasn't giving me much. I think he was annoyed. Yeah.

So I was like, ah, shit, I feel bad. I'm a bad friend. So I jump on the train. I get to his house at like 2.45. I'm all excited. I'm going to see him off. I'm going to, you know, patch it up. Hey, I'm off the train.

Nothing. Huh. Well, he said he's walking his dog. I'll go to Topkin Square Park. I'll check the dog park. No ugly Jew with a beard to ponytail here. No man bagel. All right.

No shirtless guy with a keep on trucking. Okay, weird. I'll go to his house. Where the hell does he live again? What is that? Eighth Street? Ninth Street? Avenue B.

So now I'm just circling the Alphabet City. looking for his home. I was like, is it six? Maybe it's seven. I've seen the door, so I'm walking him down, looking at all the doors. And I'm like, is it B or is it A?

69-42, 2469, 9641. I'm doing all that. And I'm walking around. I'm like, huh. And I walk by a bar, it's like after hours, the movie. I walk by a bar and somebody goes, Norman?

And I go, hey, what's up, man? He goes, comedy. I got in comedy. I go, you seen R? He goes, yeah, I saw him last Tuesday. And I go, what's he up to? He goes, he's moving along. I'm like, I know he's moving to London.

That's what I'm doing here. So I'm talking with the locals. Ah, that's fun. And now I just keep walking around. Now it's 2 or 3.30. I'm like, oh, geez, the clock's ticking. Let me go back to the park. I bet he's in the park now.

Call him. Call him. Text him. Text Soter. You hear it from Ari? Can you know where I text Lewis? What's up with Ari? I don't know.

All right. Everybody's answering me, but Ari. I'm texting you. Yes. And you're like, I've had this exact situation. Let me go back to the park. No, he's not there. All let me go back to look in the house area.

Fuck, now it's four. Okay, well, that was it. I get on the train right when I put my foot on the fucking train car. Ding, ding, ding, ling, ling. Hey, it's Ari. Where are you? I go, where am I? I was at your house for an hour to have.

And I went to the park. I went to your bar. I talked to everybody. And he's like, oh, yeah, I was meditating. Had my phone off. And I go, I told you I was coming by at three. He's like, yeah, sorry. And I go, well, you're gone?

He goes, yeah, I left at 3.30. It's, gah! So he's gone. Well, this is what he does. I mean, first of all, ours is the only guy that goes into the jungle to do ayahuasca to find out what life's about and then throws a cup of piss in a guy's face. Sure.

Literally, he's like famously throwing piss in a guy's face. Yeah. And then takes a bloody shit on the stage and then drugs a guy. It's like, oh, yeah, he's a real spiritual wonder. Right, right. Who could forget? Yeah, who could forget when. fucking the Dalai Lama took a bloody shit on stage at Madison Squirt Garden.

And also, he does the thing with the phone and the business where he's like, I got a flip phone. Can I borrow your phone? Can I borrow your phone? Can I borrow your phone? Oh, God, the itch. Oh, yeah. It's terrible. But yeah, he'll do well.

He'll be back soon. Life's an itch. Then you die. But yeah, so he'll be back, but I missed him. And it just felt so helpless. You're calling and texting and nothing. This is another thing with Ari. Here's another Ariasom.

He's like, I'm like, where are you? going to move in London. Oh, I'm thinking about this place, that place. I'm like, not Soho? You don't want to go to Soho? He's like, no way. He's like, it's too crazy. It's like Times Square. Which, first of all, Soho isn't like Time Square. It's like the village.

So is awesome. Which is where he lives. I'm like, for 20 years, I've been like, you live in the East Village, you're 60 years old. You should live in the Upper West Side, whatever. It's a drug addicts, other stuff. I'm like, what about Soho? No way. I would never live in Soho. I'm like, it's the village. It is the village of England. And Lester Square is Times Square.

Yes. It's like Soho is like record stores and bars and young people. It's not Times Square at all. Yeah, totally. But it's just classic R. You think, oh, you must want to live in the cool place. Yeah. Why would I want to live there?

I'm like, because it's cool. We just flipped arguments on me. We've been having this argument for 10 years. Yeah, yeah. And I go, so where are you living? And he goes, we haven't gotten a place yet. So I'm like, you're going there with a person with luggage and you don't know where you're going to go? Well, they got three months of Airbnb's.

Oh, okay. So they're set up in that way. Can you ask your AI something for me? Yeah, I'd love to ask AI something for you. I want to know what the London Soho is named after. Because I know our Soho is south of House. Oh, yeah. I think I looked this up recently.

Their Soho was before our Soho. That's true. But what's it named after? It's got to be south of Horchester. Don't you hate this? I looked it up recently, but didn't retain it. That's the worst because I could be the smart guy right now. But my brain just didn't, because I got Bon Jovi lyrics up there.

Cement is dry. Where does the name Soho in London come from? There we go. Walking through the streets of Soho and the rain. Leho Fook. The origin of the name of Soho in London isn't known for complete certainty, but the most widely accepted explanation is that it came from an old hunting cry. By the 1600s, the area that is now Soho was largely open fields and hunting grounds outside the city.

Hunters are believed to have shouted, Soho! when pursuing game, much like Tallyho for fox hunting. I thought that was pirates. The name appears on maps by the late 17th century

and gradually became... I didn't look this up at all. I must have looked something else up. Became attached to the neighborhood. Another clue supporting this theory is that Soho was used elsewhere in England as a place name before the London district became famous, often in areas associated with hunting.

London Soho, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Spanish, Spanish. Spanish. and it got its name from something. All right. So ho! So ours is cooler because it's got to mean something. I guess so.

We got Soho. We got Noho. We got Tribeca. Nolita. Nolita. Those are good. I love Nolita. North of Little Italy.

Anal. And then Tribeca is the triangle before canal. Below canal. Below canal, sorry. And then Dumbo. Yes. Down under Manhattan Bridge. District.

Overpass. Overpass. Is it down or district? I think it's down under. Down under, that's Australia. Down under Manhattan Bridge Overpass. I think it's district under Manhattan Bridge Overpass. Look it up.

Give it a gook. We've got to tell some stories here. You guys are probably right. But, uh, all right, you said you had some nuggets here. I had nuggets. You said you had nothing. You got all kinds of stuff. Oh, I don't want to leave you hanging.

It is down. Down under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass. Way off. What about a nomad? Madison. Oh, where the fuck is that? Madison goes... That's a flat iron.

Yeah, they kind of just make some stuff up that you're like, no one's ever said this before. No. And then there's upper west side, which is from the west side, but like upper. I've got a problem with nomad because Madison starts on 23rd Street. It's above Madison.

We got to focus here. This is no good. Oh, how about this story? This is from yesterday. I'm in Calgary. I'm at the bookstore. I love a bookstore. It's called chapters out there in Canada.

Hey, that's fun. Kill a time. So I went to the bookststststores. store before the movie. I'm walking around. There's a kid's section. So I bought a kid's book. But Salis, you'll appreciate this. I found this monster truck book for the boy, he's obsessed with monster trucks. How's he do with books?

He loves books. He loves books. He loves trucks. One of the few people that is into books and monster trucks. That's rare. That's rare. So the book's a little beat up and like, hey, you guys have another copy of this? It's a little, the pages fold, it's a little banged up, and the lady's like, that's our only copy. And then I watch it go over the manager. I'm going to give you 10% off.

Pretty good. Which is nice because the kid doesn't care. Right. You know, you want to present the kid with a nice-looking book, but he's not to give a shit. I love it. So I got 10% off. That was nice. A little patina.

And the lady came over. You know, I'm very charming. Plus, you have the boys. You're buying the thing. I'm like, yeah, my kid's too. Oh, ha, ha. He loves monster trucks. Yeah, it's my first time away from him in a few months.

Uh-huh. Charming. You know, this chubby lady. Older lady. That's a kind of nice-looking lady, but, you know, they're 60s. She'd seen a few winters. So I go to the movie. I come back and I'm like, I'm going to go to the bookstore again.

I found this Wayne Gretzky book, 99 or something like that. It says on the front, best hockey book ever written. And I love books that are stories. Each page chapters like four pages, you know. Oh, that's a great. A good. So I go, I'm going to grab this book. I'll rip right through this.

You read the Aggacy book? Yeah. What did you think? It's good. I liked it. I might pick that up. Some people are like, this book is life. It's the best book of all time.

I'm like, it's good. Yeah. It's good. You should read the inner game of tennis. That's a mental book. psychology book. It's incredible. Okay.

It's great. It's all about how like all of our things are just us in our own way. That's like the problem with any athlete, artist, life. It's like the yips. It's actually just you mentally thinking you can't do something. You get out of the zone, basically. Right, right. How the hell do you get in the zone?

It's a great book. And why is it so tennis based? That guy was just a tennis player. Oh, okay. But it's known as it's about life. Got it. Through tennis. Intergalactic tennis house

Intergalactic planetary I hated that album I did not like that album Remember that one? Oh my la deo blah blah blah blah I was like Ugh, it sucks Yeah, a little too robotic He's gay

But anyways So I go back By the way in Gretzky book I walk up in the ladies You know chatting, charming charm Canada Joe List I go hey I think I saw you early You've been here all day

And she's like oh yeah I remember you were here I think she didn't remember me And she goes Oh yeah what brings you to town anyways Because she goes Do you have an account as I'm visiting? And sometimes usually you try to lie

because you don't want to be like, I'm a comedian. Sure. But with Calgary, you got nothing. That's true. What am I going to say? Oh, I wanted to, ah. Fuck you. Why am I in Calgary?

Yeah, yeah. I keep like, I got a friend here, and I'm just walking by myself in the mall for eight hours straight. Good point. So I went, well, I'm a comedian. And she does this. Oh, my God.

I know you. I know you. You're on Instagram, right? I'm like, yes, I'm on Instagram. So then she goes, I've always dreamed to doing comedy. I might do improv, yada, yada. There's a line, by the way.

There's like 40 people in line. Tall lady. And I go, well, yeah. She goes, I appreciate Wayne Gretzky. You like Gretzky? I go, yeah, she goes, went to high school with him. Go! I got a hat trick.

And she goes, and I could have dated him. I was set up on a date with him. What? But he was too ugly. The great one is too ugly for her. And by the way, you pull up Wayne Gretzky. He looks like my wife, by the way. Put up Wayne Gretzky in 1980.

He looks like a late. He's got like mom haircut. He does a mom cut. He's kind of a cute boy. He looks just like Sarah. I want to fuck him. Sure. I mean, look at this boy.

Let me see a young Wayne. But he ain't ugly. No, he looks like Jane Lynch. That's an ugly guy. He's not ugly. He's cute. He's cuteish. He looks like Big Bird.

And by the way, Wayne Gretzky was famous when he was seven. So when the time high school, it's like, you know he's going to be a billionaire. It's like Larry Bird. He's not Brad Pitt, but he's talented. He's better looking than bird. He's better looking at bird. Birds an ugly duckling. Yeah, that's a better looking.

If your wife didn't have a disease, I'd tell him to come down and look at this guy. But he's a handsome boy. He's cute. He's cute. And the guy's scoring 300 goals a minute. Of course. He's the king. And he was playing with, he was literally seven playing with like high school kids dominating.

Is that right? Yeah. And they had all the parents would complain. They're like, hey, our son. And they're like, they showed the ice time. They're like, he's playing eight minutes a game. He just scores 50 times again. And they're like, he's nine.

Like the high school parents were like, you got to get this kid out of here. Our kid can't play. And they're like, he's seven years younger than them. Wow. Now, is he- We can't put him in any other level. Is he still the guy or has he been surmounted? Well, Ovechkin passed him in goals, but he's still the all-time points later.

He's a playmaker. He wasn't even a goal score. Oh, okay. I mean, he's a goal score, obviously, but he was more of a playmaker, and he's the fucking great one. Look at him. He's a handsome boy. He's not bad looking there. But also.

Better. It looks like a spot. Macaulay. No matter what he looks like, just bold to be in a bookstore and be like, eh, he was too ugly for me. Too ugly. And this lady, you know, she's not. She was no Gretzky.

She's not a piece of ass. I see. She's pretty, you know. She's older, you say. She's older. Maybe in her day. She did have a little bit of cleavid, but she's got short. Yeah, I think all these ladies, they get to an age where they just shave the head,

like she had my haircut, but white. Yikes. And a big old crinkly tit. Yuck. And she was sweet and fun, but you're like, so you thought he was too ugly and now here you are working at chapters in Calgary

this guy lives in a 300 room mansion yeah she's on thin ice she could have really slid right into rich lady life she was offside I mean her toe was in the crease I don't know but she's fucked up

she's a liberal puck but anyways yeah I just thought it was hilarious that she was like too ugly that's crazy saying it allowed too ugly man Wayne. It's Wayne Gretzky. Because I'm sure in high school he was still cooking.

Of course. I'm like, I literally was playing. He won a Stanley Cup like eight months out of high school. She's going to go right to H.E. Double hockey sticks. I mean, it's crazy. He won fucking four Stanley Cups. I think they won a fifth without him. Or maybe one three and they went a fourth without him. Two girls won Stanley

Cup. Crazy. What an idiot. She blew it. You blew it. You blew it. You could have been a Gretzky. She could have been Janet Gretzky. Yeah. Man. Well, Glad you brought that book so she can realize it. Yeah. Had her right in the face with it.

She's going to totally hear this. Good. How do you think he'll get back to her? She says she follows you. We're going to clip this. Stop getting so close. Sorry, I had to lean. I'm visiting.

I'm going to my friend's kids' house. I can't give them F-D or whatever it's fucking called. Yeah, STD. Hand-foot and mouth. I'd love to give him one of those. Hand-foot H-F-M. I think it's hoof now. Huff and mouth.

Huff and mouth. Huff and mouth. Huff and mouth sounds like a metal band. Huff and mouth. Doss Bood is opening. Yeah, I think they're opening for Cowboy Mouth. Anyways, how about that? This happened nine months ago.

How much time were we at here? Because I got a couple. Oh, wow. It's flying. Flying, Jerry. Well, he went to get coffee seven hours ago. Where's that Omnipop? Is that somewhere?

I'd love a pop. The baby is really wailing up there. He's got a hand foot. Yeah, it's all mouth. Well, speaking of kids and hoofs, I was in Ireland seven months ago. Oh, yeah. With my parents, and we took the train down to Bray, Ireland to go see the beach and the water, the Irish sea. They were on the train right back.

All these, like, high school girls get on. First of all, this like... Now we're talking. It's like seven or eight of them. 100% of them vaping and staring at their phone. Just all individually looking at their phone. and just ripping vapes. This is on the train.

Statutory vape. Windows closed. Just pink strawberry vape smoke going everywhere. Oh, God. No, I feel like such a boomer. Yeah, sure. But then one of them is playing a TikTok and Wonderwall comes on. So they start playing Wonderwall.

And now this is my cup of jizz here. Wait, on the blower or on the phone? A blower? On the train? Announcements? Music? Huh? Is the train playing music or is it someone's boombottle?

Why are you mad at me? Why are you yelling at me? Why would the train play music? Trains play music Sometimes What train ever has played music Why are you mad at me You do it

Well he started yelling at me So now I'm on edge But I'm just curious I've seen trains play music Tell me the train you were on That they played music on the speaker I would love to know Which train

Long Island Railroad The W train They just Hey folks Welcome on board The next stop is Broadway And here's Pearl Jam Well

I'm talking it's Ireland It's a whole different world Over there All right well You say multiple trains. Give me one of the trains. The many trains. I'd say both wasn't some trains. Plural.

A train has played music in history. All right. Well, tell me which one. All right. All right. All right. All right. You're right. I'm just asking.

Okay, okay. Well, you're telling me the music, they play trains on the music. Music on the train. I've seen music on a train. You can't see music. But I've heard music on a train at some point. All right. I haven't had that experience. Pull it up. What trains play music?

Yes. Thomas the Tank Engine. There we go. There it is. Well, anyways, no. She's playing it on her phone. She's playing Oasis Wonderwall. So, you know, it comes on, Scoot-D-Diboo, and I'm born in 82. So I love a Wonderwall. Sure. Sure, good hit. So the kids start singing. Several. Thank you. All right. Here we go. Thank you.

Famous passenger trains play music. Okay. Give them to me. Tokyo Metro. Of course. The Tokyo Metro. Disneyland. The Disneyland train. That's good. Amtrak City of New Orleans.

Oh, where I'm from. Wow. I think you would have been able to pull that one. That was three. There you go, big ones. Disneyland, Tokyo. I played it. I went on Amtrak as a kid.

I'm surprised you couldn't think of it. Yeah. Well, I've been on a lot of trains since that. And none of them played music. But Wonderwall, you get on New Orleans train. Wonderwall is just blasting here to ear. So anyways, they start playing. They play Wonderwall.

And so I start singing. And they go, whoa. They look over there. This is this old man singing. So it's fun. I'm having this group moment with these kids. Sure. You want to be like, well, just keep singing. Put your phones down. Stop TikToking. Right. But here's my note.

So they get to the first chorus and we all sing. We're having fun. It's like, oh, now we're having a moment. Okay. It's like a soccer stadium. We're singing. This is probably the first time they've interacted in a group. And they're laughing. They're looking, oh, my God, this guy's joining in. Sarah joins in. It feels electric. Everyone's joining. Everyone's joining.

Yeah. They stop vaping. They stop looking at their phones. We're singing Wonderwall. Okay. But then after the first chorus, they skipped to Champagne Supernova. Ah. So I'm like, all right, I guess we got a different song. We get to the chorus.

The Champagne, which I never like that song as much. It's like 20 minutes long. Yeah. Very redundant. Champagne. So we sing this one. In the sky. After the first chorus.

It goes to American Pie. They get to the first chorus. They skip song. They couldn't get through a song. Oh, the ADD kick in. They played 20. So they're all vaping, looking at TikTok, and playing 20 seconds from each song. I'm like, just listen to the song.

Well, you know what it is? They're conditioned with the Doom Scroll, the Quick Viz. Quick, quick, quick. They can't get through 38 seconds. They've got to cut it at 30. It's just brutal. So you're like, we ended up having this fun moment, but I'm like, let's sing the second and third chorus. Can't do it.

But they have this thought of like, oh, there's another song that's fun. Right. Right, right, yes. And this is them in a microcos. A hundred percent. They can't watch a movie. They can't do anything. They can't get through the 10 seconds.

No, no, everything is his small bites now. It's all bites. It bites. That was a big thing when we were kids. It bites. Yeah. That's kind of gone. And then some people say, remember in Swingers he goes, he bites everything from Scorsese.

That used to mean steals. Oh, yeah. Bites was big. Love Bites. Love Bites. Love Bites. Thought it was Hertz. That's a different song.

Oh, okay. Love Hurts. There was a few of those. Yes. There was Love Bites. Love Sticks. I heard that on a train. Auschwitz.

They're probably playing some tunes on there. Oh, yeah, definitely. Take it back. Do do do, do, do, do, take it back. My kid's now saying, that's cheeks. Cheeks. Cheeks. Cheeks.

What's that made? Like ass cheeks. That cheeks are good. Yeah, that movie was cheeks. What? No kidding. It's mid. I know mid.

Mid is new. It was mids summer a couple days ago. Huh? Oh, night's dream. But mid should be okay. Okay. Why is mid bad? No, mid is okay. No, they go, she's mid.

Yeah, but that's what it means. It's okay. Oh, all right. Well, they say it like it's negative. Like, that movie was mid. But okay is bad. Like, if you see a movie, you're like, it was okay. All right, I guess you're right. It's not great. Like, if someone's like, is she hot, she's okay. All right, all right. So I think it's very similar. It's like, eh, passable.

Depends on the face, too. She's okay. Yeah. You know, she's like, she's okay. Yeah. But either way, you're not feeling good. That's true. Like if you put out a special and you overhear someone going,

it was okay, you're not like, yeah, that's a good point. True. Mailed it. True that. So I think mid, okay. Well, this is one, I tried this on stage. Could be something about how language change. Decent was like a compliment.

Decent, he was a decent man. Where, like, Teddy Kennedy talking about RFK was like he was a good and decent man. That's true. Now decent means like, he's never raped anyone, but he'll take photos of her. Oh, is that right? That's decent. You know what I mean? Wow.

I don't know about that. No, that's the joke. I'm saying, like, decent is like, you know, hey, like, he's a decent guy, you know, he fingered a woman without asking. But back in the day, decent was like, Abe Lincoln was like a decent man. Then there's also, if I'm not dressed, I'm not decent. Hey, indecent proposal. In decent proposal. It was a Frank Santer Elliott, an old Boston comic had a joke about nude and naked.

He's like, naked is like, get out of here, I'm naked. Nude is like, come in, I'm nude. Oh, that's fun. That's fun. That's fun. Simple old jokes. Love a joke like that.

Get out of here, I'm naked. Isn't that fun to say every night? I thought about this, you know, it's the least sexy word in bed? Sure. You know, if a girl's like, you want me to put my, put your dick in my mouth, you go, sure. That just ruins everything. Can I tell you?

If you go, oh, yeah, baby, do it. But sure. I'm literally writing a short film. that I'm making, where the guy says to the woman, they want to have some sex and she says, sure. Because it feels like a thing that you're like, that's not what I want, but it's okay.

I'm okay with it. Exactly, like, you're nailing it. That's like the feeling of like, all right. Yeah. You're like, you got the approval, but you're like, come on. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Some of these women, they need classes on like just little... I know. Tweaks. Give me some enthusiasm.

Tweets, like 1% better. every week if you just said Fuck yeah Fuck me, yes Come on Or like Rail me Sometimes I'll be like

We gotta have sex tonight And my wife's like All right, cool Yeah I'm like Could you just say Absolutely I need to get fuck Right

Right It would make such a difference It really would My whole life would My whole life would improve 30% If you yes and did Yes

With some vigor God do I want Easy Bigger please But yeah, I know what you mean, though. Well, it goes both ways because I remember hanging out with a lady, a friend of mine, and she was like, I just sent some nudes to this guy like, and he wrote back, thanks. So guys aren't great either because you got to write like, whoa, mamacita, hotter than a pistol.

Well, I'm that guy. I'm always like, you're so hot. Oh, my God, this is crazy. I never stopped jerking off to you. I was on the road. I jerked up to you nine times. I got a folder, the Sarah folder, with a million photos. There's no Joe folder.

No, no folder for you. They delete that one, right in the trash. So, like they're pinning on this, Joe, we know a guy who wakes his wife up with sex. Oh, that's right. Where you at with that? I think that's allowed to do that, I don't think. That's right, but it's his wife.

She's into it. But, I mean, she's into it after she wakes up. She's into it. Well, yeah, I don't know, but I've asked her about it. And she's like, yeah, it's fun. He knows both people and the couple. All right. I mean, I guess if she likes it.

I mean, I've tried. As long as you're waking up first. Nope. So she's coming to and he's inside of her. Yes. He's coming too. I mean, I think that's not great. It's not great, but it's a wife and it's cleared.

But is it cleared any time? Hey, anytime I'm sleeping, you fucking throw it right in me. I think so. And I think he took a risk by the first time. And he goes, was that cool? It's a risk. And she goes. She goes, my favorite all-time line.

But he took a risk, and then he goes, was that cool? She goes, I loved it. And he goes, hey, can I do it more? She goes, do it whatever you want. Interesting. I mean, I guess if you have the whenever you want, but it doesn't look good on paper. No, no, it doesn't. Ficking a sleeping woman, yeah.

Fucking sleeping woman is tricky. Well, you know, that's a whole controversy with obsession, the movie obsession. I've heard this. There's a large contingency that thinks the whole movie's about rape and the whole thing's rape. My wife said the same thing. She was like, I didn't like that part. That part was no good. Well, and how about this?

Another flaw, I think, an obsession is the guy is totally missed. Have you seen the film? The guy's totally miscast. Good-looking guy. In my opinion, because he's like a hot... What do you mean? No, no, the lead nerd. The lead nerd.

That's his movie. He directed it. He came up with the film. Is that right? That blonde guy? He's not blonde. He looks exactly like Billy Crutup. Yes.

He looks so much like young Billy Crudup. It took me out of the movie. I'm like, it's like I'm watching Crudup. It didn't look bad shirtless either, by the way. Well, so this... Curry? Oh, this guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Just definitely not a blonde guy. That's a cute guy. Michael. Michael. Michael. That's the guy that made the movie. You're saying.

Curry. Yes. Curry Barker. Is he British? What kind of name is Curry Barker? Might be Indian. Curry. That's what I...

From Alabama. Hawaii. Curry in Alabama. Well, so anyways, in my opinion, the lead is miscast because he's like a hot jock guy. And the whole movie is based on him being like, why can't I just say I like her? Let me look at this fucking guy. He's an Adonis.

Yeah, come on. And the premise is him being like, I want to say I like her, but I can't. I don't know what to do. I wish she just liked me. Exactly. And he should be a nerd.

It should be like a guy like Michael Sarah or somebody like that. But Rana had the point. He's like, no, they can't do that because then it feels super bananas rapy. Because the whole movie, he like has a spell on this woman and he's fucking her. And this is no spoilers here.

But if it's like an ugly, nerd guy, the audience is more like, oh my God. That's true. So they have to cast a hot guy because otherwise it's like... That's true. But it just feels so weird to have like the buffest square-jawed handsome boy

be like, well, I don't know. I just wanted to like me. That's true. Now what do you think of the cat theory? Cat theory. I don't know the cat theory. I said it in the text. Tell me again. Well, I don't want to ruin the movie, but there's all these Reddit things about how his cat died.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. And the theory is that when she becomes obsessed with him through the wish, she reincarnates as his cat. She waits in the corner, she shits on the floor, she waits for him to get home, she brings him gifts. Oh, all very cat-like. It's good. It's pretty good. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but either way, it adds up. It's interesting because that does make, that's another flaw with the movie.

This makes no sense that she's pissing and shitting herself. It doesn't make, there's so many flaws in the movie. I agree. I think he's trying to be funny with a lot. lot of that too, but it didn't really go over. He used to make comedy skits, that curvy fella. Well, it's a very funny movie. There's a lot of good comedy in it. Yeah. I'm glad you brought Michael

Sarah, because ties in with Juno from the last episode. He had sex with Elliot Page during Juno. What do you mean? In the scene? Ellen Page. No, they had Elliot Page. Ellen. When the movie was made. Careful. But when the movie was made, it was Ellen. She was always

Elliot Page, though. That's what I don't get. Anyway, so she was always the other page. So that's what I'm asking you. Did he have gay sex with Elliot Page? I don't think so. Well, this is the thing that's... Not in a movie, in real life. In real life.

Oh, they did. Oh, they did. Okay, they dated. Not dated, just sex during filming. Yeah, but she was a woman with a vagina and named Ellen at the time. We're over an hour, guys. That's okay.

But right? I mean, right? No, yeah, she had a vagina. She's going as a woman at the time, yes. Well, this is a weird thing. I just went, I just had this where I was talking to a person whose sibling is now transitioned, but they were talking about, they said,

Guy to girl? Girl to guy. Girl to guy. So was a woman, now a boy, a man, whatever. But then their sibling was talking about, oh, when so-and-so, let's say Brett was a kid, he was sick and whatever. And it was confusing to me because when the story took place, Brett was Sheila. Right. So that's why I was like, wait, what?

But I guess you just always refer to them as your brother now. even though for whatever, 22 years, it was your sister. I know, it's very confusing. Because I'm like, well, it's almost like Michael Richards and Kramer. I'm like, well, Kramer didn't say the end. Where Michael Richards did? You know what I mean? I'm like, your brother didn't have appendicitis.

Your sister did. Yeah, I wasn't trying on my brother's bra. Right. Like, you didn't have sex with Elliot. You had sex with Ellen, who's now Elliot. Who's now Elliot? Why is that offensive? That's what it was.

I don't think it's offensive. It's just confusing. when you're listening to the story because you're like your brother. Who the fuck is your brother? If you go the other way by that logic, if you could say you fuck this person yesterday, but they were four. You see what I'm

saying? Because you can just, that's what they used to be. Right. That's a stretch, but you get what I'm saying, they used to be a kid. Yeah, that's a good point. And they used to be a woman. Now they're a man. Uh-huh. Yeah, I fucked a five-year-old. I fucked a five-year-old because they were five at one point. She's 48. Over an hour, guys.

All right. What do you do? What do you do you? the Nazi? We're having fun over here. Music on train. Gee whiz. Ah, right. Where are you going to be there, sloppy, sloppy? I have no idea. Tacoma, Portland. I mean, some of these dates may have passed. I don't know.

Spokane. Jeremy Spokane. I got Philly helium coming up. I got Toronto coming up. I got, I don't know. The Skank Fest doc will come out at some point. Hell yeah. Tom Dusted Portrait of a comedian. All kinds of fun stuff going on out there. Go to a punch up. That's the best thing you can do. Go to punchup.

com slash show list. Sign up for my email list. Tons and tons and tons of shit on there. Oh, yeah. San Fran for me, Houston. Zanies in Nashville. Pittsburgh. That one is not moving.

So come on out to Pittsburgh. Calgary to meet your Wayne Gretzky whore. And Minneapolis, Denver, Madison, to name a few, Portland, Oregon, and San Jose. Oh, God, hand, foot, mouth. And foot and mouth, folks. Colin, if you have a cure, if you're on a train with music, what do you got there? SuuC.

If you love comedy and you want to see how the sausages stuff, please go watch. Mark Norman has a great doc called Pushing Boulder on YouTube. Just look up Mark Norman pushing Boulder. Throw page and stage in there. And page stage two is on there too. One of them has 500,000 views already. It's pretty good for a doc.

Wouldn't you say, Joe? That's very good. Half a mill and the other one's pushing a quarter mill. So, hey, not too shabby. Sal Cuse is killing it as a director. We're going to get to fund it. We can't play the music, though, charges. Jesus Christ.

All right, we'll see you in hell, folks. We've got to be it up, Braz-I-Law comedy. We've got to get to fund it.