Tuesdays with Stories! - #665 Yamahomo

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Mark ponders the difficult "fifth show" of a weekend! Joe ponders why every new male comic at the Cellar is HOT! Mark has to pry a branch out of his Uber and gets "randomly selected" for an unfortunate security search 😬 It's Tuesdays!   Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com   - Sheath. The underwear of legends. Go to https://www.sheath.com/TUESGAYS and use code TUESGAYS for 20% off. - Limited Time Offer - Get 15% OFF Huel online with our exclusive code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15 New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering & supporting the show! - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at Matt We're here What episode number is this? How many episodes of this goddamn show have we done? And what month is this

coming out? This is either 664 or 665 Wow, almost 666 Wow, yeah. The devil! How about these devil people? Oh, Jesus.

That was the devil. The devil! How about this? Sarah did a bit We're in Cleveland. We're in Cleveland. We're in Cleveland Sunday. She's at the hilarities.

Yeah. And, you know, we sold like 40 tickets. And so they fill it in, you know, they paper the room a little bit. Sure. Which is very, it's actually nice when you don't have the, you're like, yeah, throw people in there. Why not? Love a paper.

So she does a bit about. Paper money. She's like, maybe Jesus was just kind of dumb, like very sweet, dumb guy. You know, there's like these people that are really sweet and kind of idiots. And then, I don't know, she was just riffing. And then like eight minutes later, she's on to a different bit. And some woman goes up, Jesus is not dumb. They had to, like, escort her out.

Oh, wow. Imagine being a person, whatever your beliefs started. I believe your beliefs, but believing so much in Jesus that you go to a comedy show and somebody just out of a notebook is like, maybe Jesus is dumb. Wouldn't that be funny if he was dumb? Yeah. And then it doesn't happen immediately. You're just sitting there. Right.

Boiling. Weird. And you get up and go, fuck, Jesus ain't dumb. And leave. Yeah, I could see if you were at church and the priest is like, maybe Jesus was dumb. They're like, whoa, whoa, we're at church. Yeah, we're supposed to be blowing Jesus. You're the Jesus guy.

Yes, but at the comedy club, we make fun of Jesus. I can't imagine caring about anything. I know. Like, if somebody came up and said, hey, the Red Sox suck. I hate the Bruins. I would never be like, or whatever. Oh, yeah. There's only a few things I believe in, but I just cannot imagine.

I know. Well, I've always thought that because religious people go, hey, don't talk about my guy like that, you bitch. But you believe in gravity. Sure. If somebody was like, gravity's not real, the earth is flat, and you go, huh, and you walk away. Yeah. You don't go, wait a minute. Yeah, I'd just be like, oh, that guy's stupid. Yeah. That's what she could have done. Jesus, dumb. What are you retarded? And then just go, let's see her the next bit. Exactly. You go, yeah, I saw some comics. She sucked. She thought Jesus was dumb. Yeah. You write the review and you move on.

Which is the funny premise. Because a lot of times you meet, because it's kind of the idea of the joke was kind of like, a lot of the people you meet that are like the nicest, sweetest people, they're just a little dumb. Right, like a bliss your heart. Some dumb lady. They're just kind of dumb, dumb. So that was the premise. And then the idea of this guy being the savior for a billion people or whatever.

Yeah. And if you could go back and see him, he's just a little bit like, huh? Right. What's that now? Yeah. You know? Because a lot of these people that are like, you want to buy them. borrow my truck?

Yeah. You get to talking to them. They're like, I don't know. Right. They just like to be nice. So anyways, it's a funny premise. I think it's going to be a big bit. He got ratted out by one of his boys.

That's not too smart. Right. Judas. Judas. Yeah, Judas Priest. Yeah, the devil. Wasn't that a thing a guy killed himself from listening to Judas Priest and everybody got mad at the band?

Or was that Beavs and Butte? I think so. Yeah, Judas Priest, I think, had a thing like that. There's been a few things like that. People get upset. Yeah. Cop killer, Judas Priest, the devil. I think he's gay, too, the lead of Jews.

Oh, big time. Yeah. Halford. Halford. Halford. No, Galford. Something like that. I think he nailed it.

I think that might be it. Everyone's named Ian over there. It's all Ian and Ronnie's in Britain. And so there's some, what's that, Nile. Yeah. The river. And Gile. Giles.

Giles. Giles. Giles. Giles. I think it's Giles. Jiles. I think it's Jiles. You know what I just found out.

Yesterday I'm watching the Japan game or whatever three weeks ago. I don't want to give too many time stamps here. I tried to do your thing. I don't speak fake Chinese. So I was watching the Japan game, and they said, there's three guys named Suzuki on there. I want to get your thoughts on this. Well, they said Suzuki is the second most popular name in Japan.

Wow. And I was fascinated because, to me... What's first? Yamaha? Well, I thought... Yamahama is up there. It's frightening. Is that right?

I think it's Yamahomo or Yamaha. Oh, wow. You're a hell for it. It's a Yamahomo. So I was like, first I tried to think of it myself, and I'd like to hear your guesses, what number one is over Suzuki, because there's a hockey player named Suzuki, there's a vehicle named Suzuki, there's Ichiro Suzuki, there's three players in the Japanese team named Suzuki. So I'm like, what's a more popular name?

I couldn't think of it. Can you? And if you come up with it, I'll blow you because it was a name that I was like, really? In Japan. Yeah. Most popular surname in Japan. It's not Nguin. No, good guess.

That wasn't in the top ten, surprisingly, but I know more of them. Well, Korea's all Kim. Wait, Nguin is Chinese, I think. Oh, fuck. Yeah, because Japanese is all vowels. It's like Italian. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Yamaha, Maguchi, Yamaguchi.

Christy Yamaguchi. Yeah. Yamakuchi. Yamahomo is a great gay Asian. Yeah. Yamahomo. Also a good thing, Yamahama.

Yamahomoh. Why suck your dick. That's why they bow. Oh, bang a dong. Bang a dong. So what do you got? From most popular, over Suzuki. Over Suzuki.

Well, I'm trying to think of any Japan person I know. This is what was so fascinating. Benny Hana. Hana. Hana. No, honey, I shrunk the kids. Hana-hanna-hra-hanna-h-h-ha-ha-ha-ha gonna work here anymore

shit, I don't know I don't know Japan names Sato Oh, I would have never got that And then it said there's between 1.2 and 2 million Satoes Sato, I don't know a Sato I don't know a Sato either Where all these Satoes sotting around There's no Sato's on the team

There's Sato Nain's alright for fighting But I don't Have you heard Sato? I can't name a famous Sato Sato, yeah, what are you doing Satoes? Is that like Smith? I think it is. I think it's more pop. I don't know.

It's like top number one. Sato. Number one. I also looked up top 10 last names in Mexico. Doesn't I feel like there's like eight Spanish last names or Mexican? It's like Gutierrez, Rodriguez, Gonzalez, Rodriguez. Sanchez. Santos.

Santo Maria. Yeah, what's the Gonzalez? We said that. Gonzalez. Yeah. There's only, it feels like there's like literally like 12 last names down there. Garcia. Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

Munez, Munez, yes, yes, yes. Estevez? Well, that's not that popular. That's true. There's the three guys, but two of them aren't estes. Two of them chase it, yeah. Shit. What do you got?

Sato. I looked up Sato, like famous people. There are famous people, but they're all Japan. Like one of them is an actor, one of them is a race car driver. Yeah, that's what I mean. They haven't carried over. Then there's Kai Nishikori. He was a tennis player.

But that's not a sot, though. Interesting. Well, Japan is weird because it's a little clit of an island. Yeah, well, it's long. It's got a little, it's like Florida. It's like two Florida's, I feel like. That's not much. No.

These other countries are tiny. Like, what, Ireland is tiny. Tiny. Well, it's interesting. There's been these empires from 12 countries. Yes. Britain's this big. This big.

This big. Right. In the Philippines, it looks like a Pollock shit. Yeah, it's a big cum shot. It's a big cup shot. It's a scatterball. I'd like to go down there. I don't know if they'd welcome me with all the Russians.

I'd love to have you. I think so. You could go there right now with that shirt. That's true. I got this free shirt. I feel like I had to wear it. Yeah, why not? But anyways, I don't know any Sato's, but maybe there's something, Sato, the last day.

You know, like here, Armstrong is like guys that were strong back in the, 40s or whatever. Sato, maybe they were people that nestled. They stayed home. The Suzuki's are out. They're out. Traveling. Riding fences. But it's weird to think that we have all these, Taylor, Cobbler, is that a name? Like, what's the last name? The Smith, Blacksmith. Yeah. But thank God we don't still do that. Right. Because we'd be like, Bob, data entry. Yeah. You know, the name's suck. Marty Comedy. Marty Comedy. Well, that's a cool day. That is pretty nice. Comedy's a killer.

You better be funny, though. Chuck's kid would be, you know, Larry, not that much. That's what he does for a living. It was a singer. Not that much. I'm saying you don't do that much. I thought it was a weight joke, and I was like, you're way off. He's much.

Chuck is furious. Not that much. Larry, not that much. I'm saying that's what you do for a living is comedian, comedy. I'm saying, Chuck, not that much. I see. He went with Larry. So I was like, who the fuck's Larry?

I went with his kid. Because I went Marty Comedy, Larry, not that much. So it was a double joke. Double joke. He's going to name his kid Larry, and he doesn't do that much. I literally can't make eye contact with Chuck is. I feel like I really hurt him. No, not that much is fun.

No, no. He looks bummed out. After the show, he's going to be like, I edit, I post, some gay. Comic Steve, Jeff. Do we hear back from anybody? No. All right. Any, anything?

What does Sato mean? Sato. It's probably an occupation from back in the day. I don't know if they did that. They have like, I think we're like retarded here and they're like, Armstrong, Armstrong. But Sato probably means like the legend of Billy Jean King or whatever. Not my lover.

It does mean something. It's like a word. So it means help wisteria. It's a wisteria flower. So the sah means. Ah means to help, and To refers to a wisteria flower. Okay. You know, in Japanese writing, woman is like a plus sign with a, you know, they got all

this crazy writings. Uh-huh. And noisy is three of those women. Oh, really? Isn't that fun? That is fun. So you got the women, and then three of women is noisy. Oh, la-l-l-l-l-l-l-ha-ha.

Yeah. Well, anyways. Any farts. Japan. Last name is very fascinating stuff. Now, did you hear, speaking of the kickball? there. Did you hear that Uruguay

you are Agway got they got kicked out they lost and the president was so mad he made him fly home commercial. Oh that's fun. He said no private jet no PJ you didn't earn it. Oh that's fun. So they all

had a fly coach. That's kind of cool made the rule made by the coach. Oh that's interesting. Yeah fun. Yeah. And then he goes you know in Columbia they killed a guy. Right, that's right. You heard about that? Oh, yeah.

He kicked the goal and the wrong goal? Yeah, on goal. On goal. But I think he was also mixed up in some stuff, too. Oh. I believe. I saw the dock, and I can't remember anything. Doesn't it suck when you don't retain stuff?

Ah, I hate to retain. People are like, hey, what do you know about this? And you're like, I read a 900-page book about it, but I got nothing. And so you don't even have the credit for reading the book. Well, I've got to tell you, maybe I'm getting older, I'm getting gayer, but I'm getting really into history. What's up with that? that. What is it? Something about men, when they hit a certain age, they start sneezing loudly and get into history. Well, I think you want to, you want to answer, you want questions to answers to questions, you know?

Well, you know what it was? What hit me was, you go, Netflix has Jefferson, FDR, Teddy, Lincoln, Washington. They put all these, like, mini-docs out about these guys. And you start to go, wow, Washington, what he did was crazy. He fought the biggest Navy in the world with a bunch of rag-tag farmers. He was just a guy. He was just a random schmo on the fucking sidewalk. It was like 26. I know. It's like a god.

The guy's like, ah, yeah. I was jerking off three times into a cup and drinking it when I was 26. Exactly. I filmed it. But yeah, he's the guy on the dollar bill. You shove it into his stripper's panties. But you're also like, holy shit, this guy's got balls of steel. The fact that he went up these 400 Navy's,

ships pull up to New York City, he goes, we got this. There's a bunch of retards behind me who farm tobacco, who wear dirty clothes with a bad musket, and we're going to win. And how about this? They wanted to be king. They're like, King George. He was like, no, no, no. We don't want a king.

He didn't want to be president. Let's be gay about this. Yes, yes. So pretty good. Pretty good. I mean, the fact that they won that is insane. I can't stop watching history. There you go. So, yeah. The shoe flew off.

It's like a hit by car. Shoe fly don't bother me. But, yeah, really, fun stuff. I can't get enough of this. Now I'm going to, I watch the Jefferson. He's a little shady that guy. Yeah. I didn't care for him as much, although he wrote the deck.

Is that right? He wrote the whole thing. Yeah, well, they edited it. He had a whole thing about black people when they went. Let's take that right out of there. All right. It's like a Tonight Show set. No black jokes.

By the way, Ryan Hamilton, our buddy, new Netflix special. He did The Tonight Show, and then every comment was like, how the hell could you let a rapist on the show? Because they had Connham or Gregor on. I had no idea. I missed all this. So this poor guy does the Tonight Show, and then everyone's just writing like,

you fucking rape, apologist, piece of shit. Isn't that suck that this is how the life we're living in now? And the guy was on the show, a weeker, it wasn't even the same episode. What? Yeah, because they all get together and they're like, all right, just everybody flock to the Fallon comment section. I see. And then it becomes this. It's like Fallon, he had Connor McGregor on. He must be a rapist.

I know. I know. He's like, jump frog. I'm Jimmy. I'm Jimmy here. It's true. But fucking Hamilton, man, that sucks. But this is how sad the internet world is. I'm like, that's engagement. Isn't that horrible? That's where I go to? Yeah, I guess so. So maybe some people will watch and be like, I like them. Like, yeah, if Kramer was around now, you'd go, you get that clip? I mean, that's going to go viral. Sure, it'll be bad, but you're going to get all kinds of crazy fans. Yeah. Well, I think Halleton was, he didn't know about the controversy. Sure.

I didn't either. I didn't either until last night. But so he goes on and goes, hey, let's see how I'm doing. Yeah. And it's just like, a piece of shit, you're vile, you're horrible, you should die. That's hilarious. And he's like, the hell's this? Yeah.

And this is like the cleanest cut, sweetest boy in the world. Least rapist. Of all time. Yeah. Well, he's got to be tied. Yeah. With other people who ever... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's got to be millions of people tied. I feel like you and me are in there. Chuck's probably just a notch higher than us. He's a little less rapy than most people, I'd say. I guess so. Might be... Have you seen him with a woman? Ryan?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Didn't know if he was a Yamahomo. I don't think so. Okay, okay. I think we would know. Well, he's very well-dressed.

That's true. But there's a lot of well-dressed heteros. for sure. Is that right? Go to London. Everyone in England. Sarah and I always talk. It's hard. You must be hard for women to realize they're dating a complete dip shit because everyone dresses so nice over there.

You meet a British guy. He's got like a vest on, a two-piece suit, and he's all put together. And you're like, in America, you see a guy like that. You're like, this guy has a job. His life is together. He's a good man. He's solid. Over there, you can see it. Because, I mean, like, here you meet Chuck. He's got a blink 182 shirt. And you're like, well, I don't want

deal with this guy. No, no. He doesn't do much. Larry, not much. Chuck, you look really upset with me. I'm trying to be silly goose over here. You do a lot. I'm joking, I meant.

I'm a silly guy. Larry's silly. I like to be silly. Yeah, Joe's silly. That's your son. We're talking about this a lot. I hate these comics that have no silly. Give me silly.

I want a lot of silly. Love silly string. I was just talking to Rick Glassman about this last night. He goes, all these comics now. are making points. Bring back the silly. That's why we got like a Rory Scoville or a Sean Patton or somebody

who keep the silly a lot. Brian Regan. I hate a point. No point. You like a point. Give me a rounded, fucking soft, squishy. You've quoted points to me

where you're like, that's big. It's stand up? Yeah. Well, here's the thing. We think of a point as like this big political statement or something about race or whatever.

But Aaron Chen going, Isn't that weird that I got to put in 78 passwords? Oh, yeah, that's a good point. But my bank code is four numbers. Yes, that's a good point. That's a point. I like a point. It's just not a grandiose, pretentious cum-guzzler point.

Right, right, right. I guess I like a point. I take it back. Because most of comedy is points. It's going, this is stupid. That's my point. I guess so. I'm making a point.

And it doesn't have to be this, I'm on a soapbox bullshit. Now, what's pointed? It's a bit pointed. I think that's targeted. You're Larry not much Was pointed Larry not much Oh pointed

Give me a pointed Definition exactly Give me an exact definition of pointed It's also weird There's fingered And then it's fingered Uh huh You know like the cops

Like he fingered the guy The third man Right And you're like geez What's got a night Did they have You don't really hear fingered as much Yeah

He pointed someone out Yeah Or you make a lady come Right I would also say the name Dick has dropped quite a bit. Dick used to be Dick Nixon,

tricky dick. I mean, everything was Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Right. Dick, Dick, Dick. How many Dicks is that? A lot. Reservoir Dugs. Pointed.

Uh-huh. Says expressing criticism in a direct and unambiguous way. Ah. Pointed. That makes sense. Unambiguous. Boom.

Fingered. Hi, folks. Everything should feel easy in the summertime. That's what I always say. Summertime in the living Zee. easy, baby. Bring that ease and comfort to your wardrobe with Quince. I love

Quince. I really do. Sarah just got a new hot bathing suit off. It was like hanging on the rat. I love a bathing suit just hanging on the hook. And I was like, what is this? She's like, I got it from Quince. And sure enough, it says Quince right in the crotch, which I love. I bought a ton of stuff on Quince.

All of her birthday gifts, Christmas gifts came from Quince. They got shoes. They got jewelry. They got jackets. They got shirts. And it's all itemize, categorize. You just scroll through and find the good stuff. I'm not even looking at this goddamn script. Quintz Summertime lineup is full of great stuff.

Organic cotton, cashmere, dress shirts, commuter button downs, and chinos to take you from the office to the bar. Plus, sharp-looking overshirts and blazers when you're ready to get fancy. You've got to get fancy, folks. Get yourself a blazer. Get yourself a button up. Get yourself socks. They got everything on.

there. It is awesome. I really use this product. Makes your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Woo! Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E.com

slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365 day returns. That is quince. com slash Tuesdays. Love your quits. Hey, folks. Boy, oh boy. Some of the worst meals I've ever had on the road.

Man, I eat some bad Chinese food or just some weird comedy club food, bad wings, shitty burger. So many clubs have just bad food that's bad for you. Yes, yes. You feel like we've got to perform here. We've got to be on. We can't be feeling sick and queasy.

That's why I love Hewle, baby. Oh, it would have been so much better if I had this on the road. I get some vitamins, some nutrients, some nutrition. They make it so easy. I know, with 40 grams of protein. 7 grams of fiber, 27 essential vitamins and nutrients. Hewels' black addition powder is a complete meal in a scoop. That's it.

All the nutrition you need in a single scoop that mixes with water in about 30 seconds. No added sugar. No sweeteners or any weird flavors. Big fan, I like the chocolate brownie. It's so good. They also have a banana, strawberry, and a vanilla. They got everything you like. It's all good.

If you already love Hewles' black addition powder, check out the daily greens and hot instant meals. or pick up Hewls ready to drink bottles with 35 grams of protein, 7 grams of fiber, it's nutrition on the go for less than five bucks a meal. Come on! In this economy, make healthy eating simple. Get Hewle today with our exclusive offer of 15% off online with code Tuesdays 15 at Hew.com slash Tuesdays 15.

New customers only. This is a limited time offer. Thank you to Hewle for partnering and supporting the show. Woo. Y'all! Hey, folks. Oh, baby. We've said it a million times, maybe a billion times.

Our favorite sponsor of all time is Robert Patton's Sheath underwear. He's wearing it. I'm wearing it. It's all I wear. Sheath never stinks. I'll put on the same pair three days in a row. I wear them to yoga. I don't care.

They got great scent going on. Yes, the microbiome. They get some fabric that really holds in the stench. It's a great fabric. It's stretchy. When you get fat, it still fits. You feel like an M.MA fighter with these things on. I wear them around the house.

I kick Sarah and the nuts. Oh, yeah, McGregor. Sheath underwear is the best underwear you'll ever wear. It really is. It's got two pouches, one for your balls, one for your dick. He invented it in the middle of the war. He fought in the war and thought, hey, my dick is stuck to my asshole. Let me get a pouch.

It's awesome. We wear it every day. Great designs. There's sports bras and little booty shorts for your wife, your girl, whatever it is. Sheath carries all sizes from extra small for Chuck's dick. And triple X-L for Rupert's tip. Bye. Yeah.

They even have sports bras and women's underwear. I mentioned that already. All you're going to do is go get it. Let's go. Let's go do it. Let's effing go, as the kids say, feel it to believe it. Yes. Go to Sheath.com slash Tuesdays.

Use promo code Tuesdays for 20% off. Sheath even offers a first pair guarantee. So it's not for you. If it's not for you, you get your money back. But once you try Sheath, there's no going back, baby. It's all I wear. That's S-H-E. E-A-T-H-com

slash Tuesdays. Use code Tuesdays for 20% off. Sheath underwear, the underwear of legends. Thanks to Sheethe for sponsoring the show. Ye-ha! Now, can I throw a fun tail at you? Throw it? I'd love to get some tail.

I've been trying hard, but my wife won't let me. We're married. Either with my looks. So, do a fun weekend at Royal Oak, Michigan. You were in Royal Oak? Comedy Castle. I had no idea. Great time.

Oh, I love that play. They like sliding the door. Yes, yes. It feels dramatic. You feel like you're going on to the Carson show or something. It's very exciting on him. I'd probably say this every single time. But Mark Ridley, who owns the club, Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle,

is credited with inventing the three-man show. I hear he came to the show, and he mentioned that. He came to the show? He came to the show. I've never seen him in my life. He's a sweet, sweet man. He put on a nice button down, came backstage, shook hands. You know, two of his kids have Emmys?

Is that right? He's got a talented couple of quefs. Talented Mr. Ridley. Hey! Count it. That's how you get to the top, folks. There you go. I'm a bottom.

So, yeah, had a great weekend. By the way, I had Mike Cronin opening. Meat. I love meat. Love meat. I've known meat for almost 20 years now. Wow. Isn't that crazy?

Stake, thick worm. He just asked me if he could open for me in Tampa, and I said, no. Don't answer that one. But good guy, really funny. I don't want to give his act away, but he had to be a lot. Have you heard his joke about having two boys and shooting a load? I don't think so. Maybe, but I tuned it out.

It is all full of points. Boat Snake 3. Yes, that's him. Check him out. Very funny guy. I don't want to give away his material. But it's fun sliding that door. Every show I'd make the joke, like this feels like how they feed Lizzo.

Ah, you just throw food in and you slam the door. You know, we're having a good time. Take that, you fat slut. Yeah, she's losing weight, but still a big cow. So these pants, they ride. I can't. I got the same pants, by the way. Look at this.

I got red, you got green. I love fab, but Jesus, hey, this is a real cameltoe hugger. A C-T-H. So we're doing the shows. Great weekend. But I got to run this by you. You've been doing comedy 68 years. It's a long time now, yeah.

So I'm running this new hour. We're getting there. We're building. It's kooky. It's wacky. It's up. It's down. I always say new materials like eating out a girl.

If I hear a noise, I'll just keep going that way. You know? That's not bad. But I have this thing now, and it's three weekends in a row, maybe four. I do five shows. All four are great. First show, second show, third show, four show, great. Fifth show I bomb.

Every time in a row. Why the fifth? Why the Saturday late? I have some theories, but I'd like to run it by you. Well, first of all, I think people, the people that are like, here it comes, we've got to get the tickets. They're buying up the early show. So the later show is possibly later,

So maybe they're not as big a fans. Okay. Like the early shows, that's the first show. Yeah. We've got to see Mark. We never missed Mark. Saturday 8, boop, gone. Gone.

And then the people, then the next round of people buy up half the seats. And then the second half, it's like, oh, yeah, Norman. I saw him on Howie Mandel's pod. He had a couple lines. Yeah. Let's go check them out. Okay. So maybe they're going in going, all right, let's see.

Yeah. That could be. That's a theory. My only argument to that, because I thought that myself, but then I realized we put a four o'clock on Saturday. We added a show. So that would sell out at the, that was added because the other ones were full. So you can't say that was the last show to be full because this was the last show to be full at four. Interesting.

Now, how about this? Maybe the four, those people thought they were shut out. Ah. So the gratitude gives them a little. extra zing. They go, fuck, we missed Mark, we love Mark, I didn't get a chance, I didn't sign up for his punchup dot live.com email.

Patreon. That's the best way to know. Here, here. And then they go, well, we missed him, that sucks. Then they go into the black market or the African-American market, whatever it's called, Stubhub, and they go, $800, suck my dick. And then, loop, hi there. We've added a show.

We got on! Can you believe it? We're going. We're back. And so now, they're so jacked up and cracked up and crazy that they're hot. Yes. I like it. These are theories.

I'm not saying this is right or wrong. Well, I told a friend this and he goes, no, no, it's you. You've done all these shows all weekend. So you're wiped. So by the last one, you're given the worst performance. It's like that departed line. It's not supernatural.

You're just tired. You don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, see, I feel, that's also an excellent theory, by the way. But I feel like the last show, sometimes the best because I'm so loose and wacky. Yes, that's what I said. They're getting the best version of me.

That's what I said. The less you care, the better the show, in my opinion. I agree. I agree. It's like hitting on a girl. If you're all jacked up, I'm in love with this whore. Oh, my God, here we go. You're going to blow it.

That's why. You're in your head. That's why I'm so good of getting laid now. I'm fucking every weekend now. Hey, wow. Yeah. Worst case scenario, I just go back to my wife. Good point.

Easy. Hey, write that down. That's pretty good. That's something. All right. All right. So, now here's the clinker. We've done, I've done three of these in a row with the last show as bad.

So now I'm going, I'm bringing the goddamn heat. I'm turning up the knob. I'm going to 11-year-olds. Here we go. And it still sucks. So my theory is what I can, the only thing I can conclude is these are just real people. regular people, and my act sucks. And the other people are just being nice.

Yeah, that's not bad. Oh, I was hoping you'd poo that. I don't hate that. Damn it. Chuck, you're shaking your head. You don't believe that. No, I think it has more to do with the fact that the people that bought tickets late are just like, let's do a thing. It's Saturday.

Let's go do a thing, just like watching a movie. But I should be able to make them laugh. But also, maybe they've been whacking back cocktails all that. Yeah, whacking back. My crowd drinks. Well, and, And, you know... I was wagging back at the hotel. I don't want to be too controversial,

but you may have brought in a certain amount because of all the Rogans. You may have brought in a small group of people that are total fucking retards. Also, I feel like I'm seeing more and more comments that are like, it's so crazy. I hate comedy, but I love podcasts.

Right, right. I see a lot of that. I think, yeah. Maybe you're an appearance to them. Yeah. Snooki was there. They'd be like, I want to go see Snooki, even though they're not really, you know what I mean?

Right, right. So maybe they're just like Norman from the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know? Interesting. And when the bigger you are, the higher percentage of every group there is. So you're extremely popular,

so you're going to get more black people, more Asian people, more gay people, more women, more fucking idiots that don't understand comedy. You know what I mean? You have a higher percentage of people that are like, what?

Got it. Huh? Okay. You know what I mean? It's like if you do a stadium full of people, there's going to be 9,000 people they're like, what's he mean by that? I get a lot.

I can see the, whoo- Yeah. Right over the head. Well, that's the thing. It's like papering a room. Now the room is packed, but one of the people is going to be like, Jesus isn't dumb?

Right. Huh? So that's part of it. With success comes fucking Nimrods. Yes, yes. Which is why the... Don't chop. my head off here or my dick, but the biggest comics are the most broad.

Of course. You got your Sebastian's, your fluffies, your Kevin Hart's. There's a lot of like big movements, a lot of loud voices, a lot of, you know, it's very surface level. They're not really digging deep. Right. That sounds bad. I know what you mean, though.

These are all great comics. Don't get me wrong. They're just not maybe as cerebral. Right. You know what might be part of it too? Think about this is a good comparison. Comment section. When you're coming up and people love you, it's all positive.

They're for you. The bigger you get, the more negativity you get because you're exposed to the general public. It's very similar. Right, right. You know? Okay, okay. Maybe we got something here. So that's a big part of it.

That doesn't quite explain why they're all at one show, though. But also Saturday, they've been drinking all day, you know, whatever. Okay, okay. I had to run that by. And just, sorry, numbers-wise, one of the, you know, Michael Jordan scored 18. Sure, sure, but it's always that last show, which is why I never understood. I did a weekend in Philly. I did seven shows.

Six were unbelievable. Seven was like, wow. It was like silence. Wow. And I got a comment, I posted an Instagram clip the next day just as a goof. And one guy goes, bummer, man, I saw you. In Philly, you ate it. I was like, well, thanks.

Jesus is dumb. But, yeah, I was like, all right, geez, thanks for coming. Well, that's the thing that sucks about comedy is you're only as good as whatever show they were at. I know, I know, exactly. And you can't go, you guys sucked. You know, he's going to go, what do you mean? I saw. I went to see a show.

How did I suck? Yeah. I was in the crowd. I sat there and I bought a ticket. That's my job. Well, I've told this story before many times, and you probably remember the weekend. There was a weekend probably 16 years ago that Doug Stanhope did Caroline's, which is so funny to think about it. He was at Caroline's comedy.

He did the whole weekend. And I went to the, there was a few comics that went to the Sunday show. and Aetel was there hanging out. And Stanhope was soberish and brought the heat, and he was amazing, and it was one of the best hours I've ever seen. And so then I was going down to the water cooler being like, I just saw Stanhope's new hour. The guy is on top of the world.

And everyone would go, what are you nuts? He was drunk. He was high. He was rambling. He was murmuring, mumbling. And there was like 20 people with that. They all went Friday and Saturday. And that's the thing about Stanhope.

And Hope, that's interesting, is you're going to get, whatever mood he's in, that's the mood you're getting. Right. Or at least back then. Sure, sure. I think now it might be different. Back then, he'd be like, well, I decided to eat mushrooms this morning, so you're getting the mushroom show. Yes. And my theory was that Dave was there, so he was like, all right, I can't, I can't act like an asshole if Dave's going to be here.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he's the first comic I ever paid to see. And I love Doug. I'm a huge fan. I know his whole catalog. But Sean Patton opened, which was like, oh, my God, our buddies's opening for this legend. and he was drunk as a skunk in New Orleans, six cigarettes in one hand,

four beer bottles, he had a hockey jersey on, he had one shoe missing. It was bad. He could barely walk, he could barely talk. But I do remember being a young guy, being like,

what a job. I want to do this job. He's got his trashed and getting paid. Well, what was interesting about it was talking to other comics about the shows. You could tell it was more than just

my preference, my opinions, versus their opinions, because they were describing something. They were like, it was horrible. Right, right. And I was like, what? Right. And then you slowly realize you're like, oh, it sounds like he was doing a totally different performance that night.

Because I watched it and I was like, that's the best show I've ever seen in my life. It's not like a movie where you go see obsession. Every episode is the same or whatever. Right, right. Every theater. Screening. Screening. But funny you say that.

Just you saying 16 years ago, a guy was in town and we all had to go see him, that is so forward. now? How different is it in the comedy community now? How many comics would go do Gotham or some headliner club and all other young comics would go see them? But do we have a headlining club now? Gotham doesn't do any more. Carolines has gone. Probably not, but even if we did, I still don't think they'd go. I don't know. I could name eight young comics who would not go. I think if Chad Daniels came and headlined a weekend at Gotham, there'd be many comics there. I think you would go, hey, he's a friend. I might pop in, go, hey, I want to say hi to Chad. But I don't think a young comic would go, we got to go watch this guy.

He's very good. He's older than us. He's been around. He's experienced. We can learn a thing or two. Here's why I disagree. I hope I'm wrong. I was just in Calgary.

And there was 14 comics in the back corner. Now granted, this is Calgary. So you think just New York specifically? Young comics don't have reverence? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. That's interesting. I don't know. I hope I'm wrong.

I think everywhere we go, people are trying to get a glimpse at you going, oh, my God, I'm a huge fan. And then they go, I know because half the people I meet who are like, I'm a huge fan, oh, I want to get a photo. And then they go, I've been doing open mics for two years. And I go, oh, Jesus Christ, this guy's not going to buy a ticket. Don't you think? I know, I'm saying, I don't think in New York.

Wow. And what do you think it is? I'm picturing 15 guys, 20 people. Maybe I'm putting people, I'm older, so I'm putting people who are actually already kind of established and calling them open micers. Right. Maybe that's my problem. Now, I did Town Hall last year.

Okay. Daniel Simonson and Louis C.K. sat in the crowd to watch the show. Wow. That's crazy. It was pretty amazing. They were like seven throw. I can see them. It's flattering.

But yeah, that's crazy that Louis C.K. came to your show. That's so, that's cool. So I guess he does that. That's not proving my point because he's 155 years old. Yeah, and a friend. Yeah. But I don't know.

I think young comics are trying to go see people just as much. Now, what would be the reasoning that young comics would no longer go see? Because they're up their own ass, they're doing their own clips. They're not worried about your career and what they can learn from you. They're worried about how many views am I getting? How is my career doing? How many clicks am I getting? Interesting.

I don't know. I hope I'm wrong. Maybe I'm jaded. And then I was at the cellar last night, and Bobby Kelly and I were smoking cigars out front. And like, nine different guys came. They're like, oh, hey, how's it going? They kind of did like a... Oh, kiss the ring.

Yeah. Good, good. And I thought they were all fans, and everyone's like, there's a new comics, that's a comic. And this is my other observation. Every dude that's new at the cellar is hot. That's weird. It's just handsome men. They're like, oh, that's Pete Scoobooboo.

That's Donnie Doppadiboo. Siduki. Yeah. Oh, boy, well, I'll have to get back over there while these hot guys are hanging out. A lot of handsome boys over there. Weird. Well, Sean Murphy has the theory that comedy is hot now because of the internet. You get the Matt Rife syndrome where you go.

who's this guy I'll scroll away look at the jawline on this cum guzzler holy shit maybe I'll watch this video and now you're a fan that's like I get the same thing

all the time my jawline brings them in people say that about you and your chin and the teeth but yeah he thinks comedy used to be ugly

it was Louis Anderson it was John Panette it was Stephen Wright you know it was it was fat baldman true

and now it's Matt Rive Jeff Dye Sam Morrill the other guy But you also had John Stewart, Alan Havy, both very handsome Ben. I guess. I mean, Jerry was ugly as hell. Oh, Hungarian hebe.

Who else was handsome back then? It wasn't a, it was Dennis Wolfeberg. Yacov smear enough. Smeared off. Hideous. Dennis Leary's got something maybe. Hicks. Hicks.

Not really hot. Yeah. I'm telling you, things have changed. No, you're right. Eddie Murphy was. Hot as hell. Okay. He was a phenom. Yeah. Well, comedy, as I always say, the most diverse profession in the world. I truly believe that. Thousand percent. There's no plumbers that went to Harvard Law. Right. Comedy, you have literally homeless heroin addicts and law degree, Ivy League people. You have people from rich backgrounds, poor backgrounds, black, white, African, Asian.

Oh, yeah. Indian. The Indian comedy, world is booming over there. I don't even know what job would even come close in diversity. We have women, trans, gay. I was going to say UFC fighter, but I don't think there's a lot of PhD. No, no, I think it is. But diversity, they got Uzbekistan versus Nigeria versus the Russia versus Brazil. Yeah, yeah, that's something the nation-wise.

But I think the upbringing, something went a little haywire somewhere. Yeah, dad was fingering, diddling or something or beating. But yeah, you're right. I mean, especially the background. Right. The background world in comedy is unbeaten. Unbelievable. I mean, so many people that literally don't know how to read and then, you know, you have...

Ph.D. Greg Geraldo and whoever the fuck. Dimitji Martin was, I think Valedictorian and all that shit, got out of law school to be a comedian at Harvard. So there you go. All right. So speaking of older comics, had a fun moment. I think you specifically will quefe on. I can't wait. I love queefing. So drinking, Michigan, you got drinking.

Royal Oak, cute little town is a main street, you know. Love Royal Oak. Great, great town. I get out of there. You go to bed. You go, okay, I got a flight at 10 a.m. Here we go. Delta, boop-pity-boop.

Every single thing went wrong on the way to the airport. Everything. So did the Uber, what do you call that, where you schedule it? Schedule. Schedule. Yeah, what do you call that? I don't know. Schedule Uber, yeah.

Schedule. Didn't show up. Oh, boy. So you're like, all right, well, that's a little annoying because you just, you go, oh, that's done. I don't have to worry about that. You're brushing your teeth, you're hung over, you're taking a shit, and it's sloppy, bloody. So then you're like, all right, well, now I got to worry about Uber. And it's a good, what?

Roy Lokes outside of Detroit. So you've got to get to Detroit. Yeah, yeah. It's a ride. say a half hour. I'm guessing from memory. You were just there, so you know better than me. We'll say 38. Okay.

38. Call it an hour. Sure. Fuck it. So I go, all right, well, I lost some time. So I go, oh, let me shuffle. Get an Uber. It's Royal Oaks. And they go, Uber will be here in 12 minutes. You're like, ah, fuck, all right. Get to the Uber. Big wreck on the highway.

So then I had the wild lady who goes, huh. Maybe I'll get off here and we'll do some backroad shit. And you're like, yeah, okay. But she was a lady of color, so I didn't want to press. I didn't want to be like, no, no, let's just ride this out. Right. By the way, wrecking the highway, back streets, both Springsteen sucks. Is that right?

Fun fact. She could take in Thunder Road. Hey, hey. Well, we took East Street. Okay, that's all I knew. So, I'm trying to think of more. What is it, a flight to nowhere? Flight to Nowhere.

What is the name of the movie? Oh. What was the name of that movie? Road to Nowhere? Something. The movie went nowhere. I didn't see the movie. Okay, it sucked.

But, okay, so we get off the highway. That was the mistake. So now we get back on the highway. Then we finally start moving. And we hear, and she's like, what the fuck? Oh, no. Big old tree branch stuck under the car.

Oh, wow. So now we have to get off the highway, like flashers on, pull over. She's going nuts. Beep, bam, bab, bell. looks like a Carnival Cruise video. She's fighting the shit out of this tree branch. I'm out there helping her. Did she try that thing?

Yeah. We're shake it loose on the... We tried to Michael Jay. We went loose, up down, left, right. That thing was not budging. Wow. That tree branch was in there, like a pinky in the pooper. So we pull over, and I'm like, I got a hand on, a foot on the bumper, like,

Gack! Gack! Finally, I get that fucking thing out of there. We really bonded me in this lady. We get back in the car, so I'm like, ugh. And she's doing that. What time's your flight? And I was like 10 a.m.

She goes, ooh, shit, which you never would hear. No, no. So finally, we get to the goddamn airport. It's crazy busy, which you hate to see. Crazy busy. So I go, well, I got clear. They always do that. The driver goes, you got clear?

I'm like, yeah, I got clear, but it's all going to be tight. Well, Detroit's a hub. Big Delta hub. Big hub. Hate a hub. I've got a hub chub. So I go, all right, here we go. We go to clear, blah, blah, blah.

I got the lady in front of me with 17 kids, 48 strollers, six bags, and 19 bottles. So she's got to break it all down. I'm helping her break it down because we've got to get moving. We're already boarding. We're boarding. Now, I can't do the thing where you go, I'm boarding. Can I get in front of you?

I just can't do it. Nor should you. That's on you. You should have got here earlier. Also, the tree branch. But people do that. You save. 60 seconds maybe?

Is that right? I don't know. Unless you jumped 50 people. Right, right. But I've had people be like, can we just jump ahead of you? And then I'm like, sure. And then they jump ahead of one more person. I'm like, I mean, what is that?

We're looking at you. 40 seconds, maybe? Look at the back of your head right now. We're in the same boat. So finally the lady gets all her shit through. Okay, I'm starting to get to the end. My bag is in the, uh, the redness scan. Yeah.

What do you call that? MRI. So I go through the, oh! randomly selected. Always. And you go, come on, what is this? A Buster Keaton film?

You had to do every bad thing. We got a tree branch. We got the lady with the stroller. Now we got a random select. So I go, God, you had all these grand visions that go out of the lounge and eating a piece of cheese and a muffin and all this stuff with a cup of coffee and lounging. Nope. Dreams are scattered. And I got to piss like a goddamn bitch on Third Street.

Mm-hmm. So finally we get through the. random select. Now here's the thing. The guy goes, all right, wait over here. So you go, okay, here we go. They're going to touch my dick. But they go, Bob's, Bob's coming.

I go, who's Bob? They go, Bob's the dick toucher guy. And I go, Bob's not even here? And they go, we got to wait for Bob. He went on break. What's his last name? Up and down in the water? His last name's not much.

So Bob has to come back from break. He comes back. He's got a banana here, a muffin here, and a crusts on here. He's like, oh, yeah, a big fat guy. And he goes, all right, here we go. You know, that whole thing. He fingers me. I finally get through.

I run on the plane, but I got a piss so bad that I don't have time to pee first. I have to get right to the flight. I'm zone two. They're on zone eight. Oh, Jesus. It's crazy. There's like an Eskimo with skis over his shoulder and a guy with a chicken coop walking in. I was like, oh, my God.

The lady's like, you barely made it. She's like holding the door. I slide in. You get on that, what do you call that? The jetway? Yeah, the jetway. The jetway. Fell off the jetway again.

Duff and dumber. So that's a great shot, too. Him on the cement, that aerial view. It's great. It's great. So get on there. Now that's full. Then you finally get on.

I throw my bag up and I go, okay. I'm in 10A or whatever. But the bathroom's at 349, 34B. So I go, okay, okay. Let me go back to 34B, take a piss, and then high tilt back up to 10A. I'm walking back at about 23A. I'm waiting.

I'm in line, in the aisle. Guess who I see? Take a wild get. Comedian. I was thinking Sam Ramey because of Royal Oak. Comedian 23A? Yeah. Maybe 19.

It'd be a successful comedian. I'm going to say Phil Haley. No, no, no. No, he'd be in first class. Let me take one more guest. Keenan Ivory Wains. Wow. 23A?

Boy, he's really struggling. Well, I don't know, because it's got to be shocking. Oh, boy. And it's got to be someone that's known, I feel like. I think it has to be shocked. I'm not saying shocking. Oh, okay. No shock.

Final guess, I'm going to say, Matt Ruby. Ah. Todd Barry. Wow. So, he doesn't want anyone to know. I know. I'm out of him.

You don't have to bleep this name. Maybe it was 19C or Q, Q, Q, Q, and on. I don't know. Wow. He was in there. So we're chatting. Oh, what did you do? He goes, I did a rock club in Detroit.

I go, oh, I did a Ridley's Comedy Castle in Royal Oak, da-da-da. And we're doing the chat. And then he goes, I'm going to tell everybody you're in the back of the plane. And I got to go, actually, I'm pissing. I'm way up there, bitch. Wow. Nice. And he went, ha.

And he went back to his gay book. And now it's good for the goose. It's good for the gander because you're telling everyone that he was in the back of the plane. Yeah! How do you like that, TB? That's funny, because I was in Cleveland, and I think his opener was Sarah's opener, because he just got back from doing a one-nighter with Todd Barry. Oh, fun. How about that?

He's doing a Midwest run. Well, look, Todd, I'm a big fan. I have all your albums, too. I look up to you, you know, good energy, medium energy, whatever the hell it's called. But, boy, was that a fun thrill. That's fun. Being able to, he zinged. And I didn't have to zing back.

I just told the truth. Right. Actually, I'm up there. I'm coming in your neck of the woods just to take a piss on your lawn. Wow. Well, we love you, Todd. You're the man. TB.

One of the greats of all time, in my opinion. Yes, big fan. Funny guy. Hogging. You go there. No, no. I had one of those weekends. It was just so fun and easy.

I don't have a lot. But I got a couple. Couple me. So I was out in Cleveland, flight to Cleveland, which, by the way, I am moving. Final answer. Oh, wow. I've heard this before. Austin's out.

Whoa! It's too much crime, too much homeless, too much heat. Yes, here, here. Too much controversy down there. Oh, my God, Austin. What are you? Right wing fucking filthy fucking animal now. And Dorosa.

Austin's out. Out. L.A. Earthquakes. Gangs, yuck. Hobos. Traffic. New York. Too expensive.

Who needs it? Communism. Cleve Land. The Indians. Belveland. Yes, Chief Wahoo. I mean, sure you can't fly direct to anywhere at all. And the winter's nine months long and brutal.

Cleveland Rocks. But, you know, they got bars. They got some stuff. Yeah, they got a highway. I got a children's museum I went to. That was pretty cool. I'm banned. So I fly out to Cleveland for the week.

And I go Wednesday through Sunday, Hank, Sarah's working. It was great. Beautiful weekend. I go to a star We go to the I went to the Guardians game Friday and Sunday But the whole weekend at the ballpark

Took Marty there His first big league ball game on Sunday Which is very excited And that's the best kid ballpark Is that right? Oh yeah They got slides And a band

It's like a mosh pit They got Hell yeah It's fucking unbelievable They have the hot dog race It's fucking the coolest thing So we go out there Wait wait wait

Was it packed It was pretty packed? It was pretty packed. Okay, just wonder. I just wondering, is you hear about baseballs going under? No, I think baseball's all right. I hope so. I don't want it to go under.

No, I think it was, I mean, I don't know about packed, but it was pretty full. Yeah, it was kids' day. It was fucking awesome. Okay, great. It was great. We had a blast. I mean, no one in the family. We sat down and watched about an inning a half.

Marty's doing overhead clapping after every pitch. He's loving it. We had a Bruce Springsteen drummer. We had hot dogs, ice cream. It was fucking amazing. So then afterwards, Sarah has a show that night. So I'm like, all right, I'll drop you off. On the ride home, he falls asleep.

It's hot. It's hot. He's been running around, the whole thing. Love it. He's asleep in the car. I drop her off so she can get ready. So I'm like, I'll cruise around a little bit. Cruise.

I'll go to Starbucks. You know me? I love Starbucks. I live for Starbucks. Now, we've probably talked about this before. People that know me know I hate the drive-through. I don't get the drive-thru. Don't understand it.

I did not know that. I like to go inside. I like the dopamines. I like the serotonin. You meet someone, you bump into someone, maybe you get a premise. The drive-thru always has 15 cars. I go in and out, and I always make note. I'm like, all right, you watch through that car is.

That blue sedan. Keep an eye. I'm going to go in, get my drink, come out, watch where it is. And it's up one spot. Love that. I am anti-drive-thru. But... Really?

Even with like a fast food. Well, fast food's different. I'm talking Starbucks specifically. But fast food, I still like to go in, if I can. Got it. drive-thru is a little quicker with food, and I like to eat in the car, it's fun. That is a nice time with the fries.

So I go, well, I'll just gumping the drive-thor because I could mobile order and run in, but even if I'm two minutes, I don't want to leave the kid with the car running, so I can jump and go. I don't want to turn the car off, so I don't want to leave the kid in the car for a minute and a half, even if it's 30 seconds.

I'm just not into it. No, especially with the carbon dioxide, the hose of the window. I don't want to wake him up, so I go, well, pop in the drive-thru. I got nowhere to be. Sure. Nothing to do.

Sarah's shower. We're having dinner a little while. I'll pop in the drive-thru. Okay. This is in, I think, Shaker Heights, Ohio, or Beachwood. I don't know what the fuck. Hop in the drive-thrus. A few cars, four cars.

Yad-a-da-a-ya-di. It's one of these drive-thrus where there's, like, a fence along the side so you can't get out. I want you to take a guess how long between entering the drive-thru, and I sent a text. So I have a time span. Okay. And leaving with my stuff. Take a guess. 18 minutes.

28 minutes. Oh. Oh, my Lord. You ever hear anything like that? That's an episode of a TV program. It's longer. It's a TV program plus a Fallon set. Right.

And plus a minute of me in bed with a hot lady. It's like I got an, I have no idea what was going on. And there's not even a story. Nobody was like, we're so sorry. The coffee machine exploded. 9-11. Wow. There was nothing.

I'm just sitting there. It was 14 minutes before I made it to the window. Oh. 14. Is the boy sleeping? He's sound asleep. Thank God. The nice thing was I literally, I was very pit because I had just come.

It was like an amazing weekend. We had so much fun and did all these activities. We just left the ball game. I had nowhere to be. Sarah had plenty of time to get ready. He was asleep. So it was one of those things where I'm like, this is the only situation where I wouldn't take a life. Because you could lose a giant fired, divorced.

Yes. 28 minutes. Wow. You could miss a flight. So it was, yeah, I think 14, 17 minutes before I got to the window. Then I'm at the window for six full minutes. The whole front of everything in front clears out. Everyone's gone.

And I'm just sitting there. I'm like, what is going on? Weird. The lady goes, hello? Have I taken your order? Whoa. No. I'm the only one here.

It's, I'm just sitting here. Right. I go, no, I'll have a hot, you know, small, tall, emperors, clouds tea. And I go, I'll have a chocolate brownie if you have them. She goes, oh, I'm so sorry, we're out. And I'm like, no problem, that's better. And she goes, oh, you hear this? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay, we have some. I think, let me just double check. And I'm like, no, double check. There's 350 cars behind us. And I go, no, no, no, no, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

She's like, no, no, no, no, no, hold on, hold on. Two minutes pass. Okay, we got it. Chocolate brownie. What was the other thing? And Earl Grey? And I was like, no, no, emperors clouds. Oh, my God.

So I go up there. And all I get is that the lady had, tattoos of crucifixes on her face. Jesus is dumb. A little post Malone. And she just goes... Post-a-M-Lalone. There you go.

Sorry about the wait. Oh. I was like, I thought I was going to get up there. We were like, our boss has AIDS. He spilled AIDS blood into the coffee. We had to re-coffee everything. I burned my labia. I'm suing.

28-minute drive-through. Cuckoo, but there's no urgency. These people, they just go, hey, you're here. We'll take our time. Well, I was talking to our friends out in Ohio. And they say it. They were like, you cannot believe how slow and lazy everybody is. It sounds like made up.

And our friend is a doctor. And he literally was like, even at the hospital, people are like, all right, X-ray, we'll get the X-ray. So I think it's just a generation of life. I don't know what it is. Because I think people are zipping around out here. Now, well, in New York, that's why you move here. It's for the fast coffee. I think so.

That's about it. But that was wild. And then just real quick, we went to the big town. This is like a very fancy, nice, suburban, Cleveland suburb. Which, you know, I think of Cleveland as like, kind of like the Randy Newman song, factories. Gritty. Yeah. But you go 20 minutes outside.

It's spectacular. Beautiful. Best town pool. And you got to be a resident, so it's kind of exclusively. Okay. We had, we were guests. They had water slides with the fucking, the tube and the spinny tube. This is kid heaven.

A high dive. When's the last time you jumped off a high dive diving board? 88. I don't think I ever had before. No, I'm scared. So I was scared. So I went up there and our friend goes, hey, it's a tradition. First time, you've got to go off the high dive.

Whoa. And then you look over there and you're like, huh. All right. Well, yeah. First. Yeah. And I went up there and it's quite a lot. I don't know how high it is.

20 feet. It's up there. It's high. It's crazy. So I was doing a bit because they're all watching. All the families are watching. And I just do it a bit where I'm like, Like I'm nervous as a gag.

But you were really nervous. Well, I wasn't. And then I got halfway out to the diving board, and I'm from the 80s. So Greg Luganis pops in. Oh, big AIDS. And you can slip, you slip, you knock your head, boom. I think they did a movie where A.C. Slater played Greg Luganis. I believe you're right.

Mario Lopez. Hey, another Hispanic name. Lopez. Lopez. Good point. San Jose. So I'm walking out there, and as I'm about six inches away, I'm like, this is really high and slippery. Plus it dips, you know, I'm fat.

Yes, yes, it bends. So now I'm like, my wife is watching me, my son's watching me, our friends are watching me. What if I slip and fucking bang my tailbone or my face bone? Yeah, or worse, bitch out. Have to go back down the ladder. Well, I can't. I don't have that in me.

So I can't do it. I did a big bouncy somersault. What do you call it? Cannonball. Cannonball. Cannonball. And I was trying to be funny. I did like a wave.

And I should have held my nose. because I'm going 75 miles an hour. And I'm right up the nostrils. And you go deep. I didn't realize that you feel the pressure. Oh, yeah. And it was kind of like one of those things are like, whew. Yeah.

That was a little more frightening than I expected. Of course, of course. You get these people who jump off the bridge. Yeah. Well, because they always go, right when I left, I regret it. That's the classic thing when you commit suicide. People are like, everyone's like, oh, my God. trying to throw up.

They try to sew their arm up. Right. That was a great artily lying point in his book. He was like, I kept waiting for that to happen. It never came. Because he had heard about that. He's always heard when you try to commit suicide right away. You're like, I regret it.

And he was like, I sat there and I was like, I don't regret it. Damn, that's heavy. And here he is still alive. Hey, he's heavy. I haven't seen him in a minute. Wow. A cannonball, too. You worried about the ball bag hitting that water.

Well, I held the ball bag with one hand. I did the way with the other hand. And so my nose was just and you've got to pretend you don't have like a headache and eyes squirting out. You're like, that was cool. And I was like, Sarah, you gotta go.

And she was like, no. Ah, you was. Come on, Tolamash. But they had a lazy river, three water slides, a whirlpool, and then kid everything. A wide slide, a silly slide, a big slide.

They had the buckets that fill and dump on your head. Oh, yeah. It is heaven. And that's it. I'm heading out there. Hell yeah. We're moving.

Cleveland. Why not? Maybe I can be the Joe Rogan of Cleveland. Oh, get a big pod going. Canter's out there. Sure, that's one. And I'm going in a week. I'll see you there.

Jim Tews might move back there. Maybe. I don't know. He's from Cleveland. Brendan Eyre? Oh, yeah, he's Cleveland. He lives in Maine. Ah, Bain Street.

Man, that high dive. I'm nervous for you. Just thinking about it. I'm like, could I do it? It was slippery and bouncy and high. Wow. Wow. You're like Eric Clapton's kid going off that thing. Yeah. And it was very sandlot vibe. It felt very peppercorn or whatever her name is.

Wendy. That's right. Love that vibe. Very 50s. The exclusive pool. I went to a pool when I was a kid in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And my aunt goes, yeah, it's very exclusive. They don't allow blacks. And I remember being like, ah, even as a kid, I was like, this is crazy. Yeah, you're kind of like. This is 1991 or something, 1990. I was like, oh, cool. Okay. I lived in a black neighbor at the time. The idea of no black people was bananas to be. Right. Maybe a wrong choice of words. But you know what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. Have you seen the new Larry David show?

No, but I saw some clips and I'm excited. Oh, okay. I haven't seen it, but I have a dear friend who I love, not Ron On. Oh, thank God. And they were like, this is one of the worst things I've ever seen. So I'm going to give it a sniff. It seems sniffworthy, but... It's a great premise because there's so many funny moments in history. that are joky. Well, my friend said he's like,

it's just the Nate Bargazzi George Washington sketch as a TV show. That's tough. Which came well before. Well before. So you worry that in his old years was like, this could be a show.

Ooh. Yeah. But I haven't seen it. This is just a friend, but it's a friend that he knows stuff. Well, I've never actually seen the George Washington. Oh.

Can you give me a Cliff's Notes? Well, first of all, it's great and hilarious. It's a kind of premise that I hate that I talk about, that I hate in movies, but it works as a sketch. Okay. I've talked about this before. The movie Air, like the Nike movie where they do jokes like this. They're like, hey, nobody is going to want to watch Charles Barkley talk on the television.

And everyone's like, ah, ha, ha, ha, get it because they do. Same with like an android movie, where they're like, hey, look, nobody's going to want to walk around with a fucking computer in their pocket. Right. I get it because we do. Yes. I kind of hate jokes like that.

Okay. But this is so well written and well executed. But they're sitting around a campfire. He's dressed as George Washington. And he's saying things that obviously have happened. And they're like, but why would we call it that? It's like, you know, we'll have you a ball. Will you throw the ball and you catch it and you hold it and run with it?

What we call it? football. But use your hands. Why would we call it football? But it's much better than that. Mikey Day, I think, wrote it. He's great. Okay. And Nate nails it. So it has nothing to do with being a president. I thought it was a whole political sketch. No, I think it's like, he's like a leader, and he's like, this is what the country will be like. Oh, okay. Okay. I'll watch it. I'll watch it. I mean, it kills and builds and builds and builds, and then the setup. And then they did it at the Oscars. And they've done a few of them. So it really hit. I mean, just took right off. Crazy viral.

But it sounds like the show is like, and my friend also said he's like, Larry is just like screaming. He's gone very big. Ah, yeah, I hate big. He's like, what? Yeah, I don't love that. But again, I have not seen it. Now I'm scared to watch.

It's a huge Larry psycho. Did they send you the pie? Yes. That's pretty good. Pretty good pie. That's fun. We had a hookup. They sent us the big pie.

I got the pie as well. I was hoping for like a hoodie. I just realized they sent us a gift, probably so would say nice. things about the show. Oh, you've got a point there. Great pie. Love the pie. Well, the pie was awesome. The dish is amazing. Beautiful dish. And I have not seen the show. I'm just relaying what somebody else said about the show. And I'm excited to see it. I'm pumped to see it. Love Larry. Well, Larry's, you know, we know. He's the guy. I mean, he's the, he's the blueprint of the program here. Here, here. L.D. Now, what else you got? You got another thing?

I had it Oh shit I had a premise I wanted to run by it Not a premise but I'll save it May it'll do on the Patreon because it's kind of heavy All right we'll tease it will tease it Get to that page the Patreon is

Rocking and rolling I might have one other quick little gay thing Let me see I dive Oh this is just a funny quick thing I hope it translates the story It might not translate to story form Okay

But I'm at the Cleveland Airport yesterday There's a Brueger's bagels Which I don't like Brueger's I never went in there. That and what's that other? The reindeer bagel? I don't know reindeer. You're not reindeer.

They got them in D.C. You know what I'm talking about. Kangaroo bagel? I don't know that one either. Cangaroo. Oh, cariboo. I know Caraboo. I know Caraboo.

I know Caraboo. I know Caraboo. I know Caraboo. Yeah, this is Brugger's bagel. I think their bagels suck. There's one in Royal Oak, actually. Ah, Brueger. I'll send you the video of the egg.

I send it to my friend. We have a group text, and I was like, 50 bucks, whoever can guess what this is. My friend said deep fried shamwow. And I was like, that's damn funny. I see the video to see it, I guess. Anyways, I go there, and there's a little, it's a long counter, you know, like a New York-style counter with the spreads and the stuff. Bagels are back there, spreads are up here.

Big sign that says pay here. That's the only sign. I've seen that. And there's only two of us in line. It's a good-looking, heavy, thick lady, who I wouldn't mind having sex with. She's in front. Sure. I'm standing there.

and then the cuckie Coos Cleveland lady goes You guys wait into order? And we go, yeah, just us. We're the only two there. Yeah. Line starts down there. The order line is down there. Hey, to coos with an order.

So you're like, well, why don't you should have a sign that says order here. They usually do. They usually do. So I'm like, why would I know to go down there? This is where the register is. This is where you are. So we both walk 15 feet down the end. I swear to God, this is true.

We walk all the way down there. The lady who just told us the line starts down there, goes, what can I get you guys? I swear to God. That's like a comedy bit. It's like a sketch. Oh, my God. And I go, what?

And so then we both walk all the way down to her. Oh, that's hilarious. You know, we were just standing here. You told us to go down there. I'm kind of like laughing because it's so crazy. And then the other lady, you know, they work together. They're a union or something. This lady's spreading.

She goes, well, the line starts over here. Ah! ha! ha! All right. Well, anyways. Oh, my God. That's comedy. We're looking at her in the eye. She makes us walk way down there, and then she yells to us down there.

See, that sums it all up. It's not about rules and race. It's about do what I say, Suzuki Homo. Yeah, do underwathers as Sato would have Suzuki. I got the power. That's what it is. I'm in charge here. You go over there and then you yell at me.

Konichi-Ola. That was weird. Anyways, we got to wrap it up. Brugger. Where are you going to be there, bagel? 6,679 episodes. What's this come out? August 40th?

July 20th. July 20th. Oh, wow. July 20th. Lay it on me, Fannie. Where are you going to be in a year and a half? Jesus Christ. I have no idea.

July 20th. Oh, I think I'm in Tacoma this weekend. One of my favorites. Right by Spokane. Tacoma Comedy Club. And then August, I'm going back to the Pacific Northwest doing Portland Helium. Check out Tom, Dustin, Portrait. of a comedian, still on PunchUp, go buy that

six bucks. Great flick. Or you can get it with all the bonuses for nine bucks. All the fixings. $9, you can get the movie with the commentary, deleted scenes, basically a comedy special from Tom Dustin. There's me performing a full Joe List

comedy special. Whoa! Shot in Key West for $9 on PunchUp Live.com while you're there. Sign up for my email list. Anyways. Yeah, do that. And then I also have Philadelphia coming up, St. Louis, a bunch of stuff. Rochester.

I have so many gigs coming up. Go to bunchup live.com. All right, all right. I'll be in San Francisco at Cobbs Comedy Club, Houston Improv. We could use you out there. That's a big club. Going to Zanis, Nashville. Love the Nash and the Gash.

Pittsburgh Improv. Hello. And Calgary, following your footsteps there. Gloppy, Jalapi, Acme and Mannyap, and Comedy Works in Denver, Madison, Wisconsin, a Comedy on State, and Helium, Portland, also going to Charleston for one night only.

Is that South Carolina? Yeah, I love Charleston. Me too. I always say it's New Orleans, I went to college. What do you got there? Larry, not much. Check out my podcast, fun bearable, but more importantly,

we're still working on this film project. We are in post-production right now. If you want to hit me up at Discount Chuck. We are still looking for backers for something really, really cool. Behind the scenes, I can't really reveal it yet, but it's a great project. Joe and Mark have both seen pieces of it. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. It's going to be awesome. So hit me up at Discount Chuck, Twitter, Instagram. Here, here, we're clear. We'll see you to help. Praise all up. Yeah.