Tuesdays with Stories! - # 666 Ottomans Piglet

Episode Date: July 28, 2026

We're talking old comedy stories ladies and gentlemen! Mulaney, DaRosa - the greats! Mark jumps into action for a chairhound! Joe's doing a show in a beefcake paradise and Mark loses a Normand heirloom - before a new pal jumps into action! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Want a free pack of Goodwipes? Buy any two packs, text your receipt, and get reimbursed for one. Head to https://www.goodwip e s.com/TUESDAYS - Upgrade your workout wardrobe. Sign up as a VIP & get 70-80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - Limited Time Offer - Get 15% OFF Huel online with our exclusive code TUESDAYS15 at https://www.huel.com/TUESDAYS15 New Customers Only. Thank you to Huel for partnering & supporting the show! - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Oh, my God, we're here, we're back, and I feel like I haven't seen you in 16 moons. It's been a long time. Oh, yeah, I got a lot to talk about. I want to just sit and gossip with you and say the N-word, but that's not for the filming. Well, I don't know what's going on anymore. As you know, I deleted Instagram. So I had my manager text me.

He's like, yeah, we're talking to your mom's house, but they're under new management. What happened? And then I'm like this, I don't know. I just thought it was a legitimate to tell. I'm like, all right, I don't care. Yeah. And then like four hours later, he's like, that was a joke, by the way.

Oh. What's a joke? I swear to God, I was like, what is he talking about? And I just ignored it because I was like, I don't even understand what this is. Right, right. And then like, literally two days later, my wife is like, oh, yeah, you heard Christina P. And Tom broke up. And I was like, oh, new management.

I had to text him and be like, sorry, I didn't get the joke, but I don't know that's a great joke anyways. Sure, well, you left him hanging. So anyways, I don't know what the hell's gone on out there. But you did go back and go, I get it now. I did. I was like, oh, okay, I get it. Sorry, I'm out of my asshole. And then I watch some business about it.

So I don't know what's going on. Well, my wife is a lady, so she gets the lady algorithm and the Tom hate is palpable. I bet. Well, people don't like when you break up. Yeah. Whatever. This happened to Malaney and he's cruising. He just did Wrigley Gum.

Rigley gum. Field. Ah. Yeah, he sold it out. What do you mean? He did rigly field? John Mullaney did rigly field? John Mullaney's a comedian from Chicago.

Sure, I know that. Worked his way up the ranks. I opened for him up bananas in 2008. Get the hell out of dick cheese. You know that story. I want to hear it again. I don't remember this at all. Well, it was 2007.

I had just moved here. Oh, seven. And my manager, agent goes, hey, they want a big deal here. Big gig coming in. They want you to feature at bananas for this young kid, John Mullaney. I've told this story a million times. Asbrook Heights, baby. And it was Liz Mealy hosting, me featuring John Mullaney headlining, all the same age, by the way.

We all started at the same time and the same age. I think he's a year younger than me, maybe. Liz might be a year. I think she's the same age as me. Yeah. Anyways, so he goes, yeah, but they need you to drive. You've got to pick up this John Malaney. fella.

Oh, wow. And take him to Hasbrook Heights. Was he still drinking? No. I think he quit drinking when he was like 19 or something like that. No, I saw him banged up a few times. Well, I think the story was that he had quit drinking when he was 19 as far as I know. Cut that.

I thought. We don't have to cut that. Cut this. When I saw him, if he wasn't banged up, he was having a good time. Well, because my whole thing was like later on, after this story, I was like, I could have been Malaney if I had quit drinking when I was 18. I mean, I could have been this guy. I think he was like on Coke and stuff while he was at S&L.

I think that's a part of his thing years later. No, he was in his special. Yeah, that's in the spurt. Yeah. All right. But I think that whole upcoming, I think he was sober, I believe. I don't know. But anyways, I was like John Mulay.

John McGraney, Mahoney. Fuck this guy. I'm like, how am I not headlining this room? Oh, yeah. I've been around longer. I know Nick DePaolo. I know Colin Quinn. Whoa.

Name dropper over here. So I open for Dane Cook years ago in a fucking baseball stadium. Jesus, Wrigley? I go, all right, so I'll fucking, I'll open for this guy and I'll fucking eat his lunch. I'll show him the business. Eat his ass. And I was like, I'm going to bring the heat and make this guy suck his own dick. It's going to be embarrassing.

By the way, John Mullaney is at Hasbrook Heights Bananas. That's how long ago this was. 07. Now he's at, you know, Wrigley Stadium. Yes. So it's Riggly Field. I can just feel people being like, it's not stadium. you're...

So anyways... It feels like a me mistake. So I go, all right, great. Here we go. We're going to go pick him up. This fucking piece of shit, this homo. He doesn't know shit about Shinola. By the way, you had a lot more of that Boston piss and vinegar back then.

You had a lot more. Who's this guy? Fuck you. Get out of my way. Now you're really... You're more welcoming. Well, you know, I work some kind of program. So back then, I had some problems.

Oh, yeah. So I scoop them up in Brooklyn. Yeah, we get to talking. He's like a hardcore deep Dylan guy, as am I. So, fun side note, I was like, oh, yeah, Dylan, Dylan, but we start talking Dylan. And like, you know, like you and I was Seinfeld. There's like the autistic Bob Dylan people. So he's what, so we balk over that.

How did it come up? Were you playing them on the box? They probably was on the CD player or whatever, or the cassette, whatever it was. Sure. So we started talking Dylan. At one point, I was like, you know, I have the entire, like, 1965 press junk. he did on DVD. And he was like, what?

And I was like, I'll give it to you. I'll lend it to you. Whoa. Never got it back. Oh. He still got my Dylan. It's like a rare DVD, by the way. Wow.

It's like full like three hours of Dylan taking Q&A in black and white, HD. I got bad news. I think he did a little Xanax and pawned that puppy. I think it's probably long gone. That's in a shop somewhere. So anyways, I pick him up. I go, eh, this guy's all right, but I'm still going to fucking eat his lunch. All right.

I'm going to suck his dick on stage. Yeah, your fantasy. So Liz goes up, she's great, hilarious, and I'm like, bringing the heat, baby, and I'm like, woo, follow that. Hot shot. Whoa. Watch out.

Pow! Pop quiz, asshole. I go, bang! I hit him with the fucking... Zing, pow, whammy. I had my old joke. You ever, that song, I don't want to work comes on, on your way to work? No.

I drive right by, Finley. Don't want to work. I say, fuck you. But then the song ends. And you're just in the car going, going to work. That was my bit. Oh, oh, sorry.

That's my big bit. I see. That was big, baby. And I had the drunk driving. You ever drive past a cop when you're drunk and he doesn't pull you over? That's a great bit. What a piece of shit cop. Yeah, I remember that one.

So I had all these bits and I'm like, this guy is going to have his hands full. I'll tell you that. So I come off stage and I go, hey, good luck there, Johnny Boy. Rudy. You fucking piece of shit. I sit in the back and I put my feet up and I'm like, let's see

this asshole. Four minutes in, I was like, ah, this is my favorite comedian of all time. He's very good. He had the pirate chest.

They never brought a big enough chest. The depth perception. All this stuff. The Trump chunk was great. He had a whole Trump. He had a whole Trump bit about a, he sounds like a cartoon rich guy. Like,

I have tall buildings with my name on him. Then I'm going to fire people with my kids. Right, right. Golden hair. I remember the bit about, he had the one about, oh, the movie cost $100 million. He's like, you can just show me $100 million. I'd buy a ticket for that. Great, great bit. Anyways, he murders, does way better than me.

He's way better than me. And I'm like this, this is like the best comedian I've ever seen. He's very good. I was like, fuck this fucking homo. I'm going to blow him off the stage. And he was 300 times better than me. And then I got back in the car and I was like, how about that Bob Dylan? So I thought we'd be best friends forever

But he just took my DVD I never saw him again because he's left I couldn't see him because of all the dust Sure And was it full? Was it full with the people? Because I don't know if he was a name then No no, it was like pretty full It was not so full that I couldn't sit

In the back of the room Ah, right He was like, he was nobody He was like He had some heat He had a little bit of industry heat But he certainly wasn't I mean he was at Hasbrook Heights

Bananas They don't even know about heat Heat doesn't get to them. Those are just regular old blue-collar quiffs. Yeah, so anyways, that was the story. And that was like the last time I was ever in a car with him. He was in Brooklyn. I was in Queens.

I was doing drugs and drinking. Two things about that. One, I feel like that's kind of over. Getting a car with this random person and figure it out for two hours. Right. You just had to make it work. It was almost like a summer camp or a preschool where you just put a kid there and you go, go play. That's over now.

One thing that's changed and is great for us and tough for the young comics is it's just now, and it's hard to remember that this wasn't always the way. It is now standard that everyone just brings an opener. That's true. That did not exist always. I did so many gigs where I was opening for some random guy. Same. And vice versa. Where you're headlining and you just have like, oh, here's Peter from Milwaukee.

Here's the local guy. Yeah. I remember calling clubs and being like, I'm going to bring my guy. They're like, you're not bringing it. We have our guy. Right. So I'd go, okay, sorry, because you wanted to work there. So you're like, okay, we'll use your guy.

I don't have any juice. Yeah, yeah. The juice is loose. So, yeah, back in the day, it was a lot of like, and then it was a big thing, too. You had a car. It was like, you've got to come pick this person up. That was the first three letters of career was car. That's what they would always say.

I never heard that. Yeah, that was back in the 80s, you know, when they had little sayings like that. Also, how many times did you go, I drove three hours with Johnny, John Fish, or I'm in the car with Moody McCarthy. Yeah. Never met these guys. Just getting a car with them and you talk shit. You get along and you network, you meet people.

Then you drive home and you never see them again. Which is how I always feel that's the only way to be like real friends in comedy is you got to do a gig where you're in the car. You got to be in a car together. I mean, that's how we got blowing each other. Exactly. Like fucking five-hour car ride. Otherwise, it's just kind of like you're coming off and you're like, oh, hey, nice to see it. Maybe at the cellar a little because you're at the dinner table.

That helps. She'd kind of befriend each other. But even that's not as interesting. Because there's six people standing around. Yes, because I think our natural inclination is get in, get out, we're introverts, we want to go home, we want to just do as little things as possible. Right. So if we have the option to not hang, we're probably going to take it. That's why you need that metal box that's going 70 miles an hour to keep you in talking.

Great Don Gavin joke. He's driving and his passenger says, Gav, you're doing 90. And he goes, so are you. What's your point? I love that joke. Great bit. Great bit. Now let me tell the flip side of the Hasbrook Heights Malaney eat his lunch.

So we did Sacramento back in, what was that, 84? That was 2010, September. I know because I went to Peru the next week. Yes, I was hosting. You were featuring Joe DeRosa headlining. Yes. So we would drink all day at the pool, hang out. And DeRosa, you're like, why is this guy headlining?

I should be headlining. You're snickering in the back the whole time. Like, this fucking guy? Yeah. He's ugly. He's got a double chin. He's fat. He's gay. The shoulders.

The shoulders. Don't forget the shoulders. Trans. And that was pre-trans. That we know of. That's true. That's true. But it was a different time. I don't think that was around then.

We were walking up the highway looking for a titty bar too. In the afternoon. Yeah, we watched Piranha 2, I think, in the movie theater. That's right. I think it was Piranha 3D, if I'm not mistaken. I think you're right, because I remember those tits really coming at me. Yeah. I was like, we got to go see.

Which is so crazy now to think about, I'm totally bottoming out and failing. And now during the day, I'm like, we got to see Piranha 3D and go to the strip club. You'd think I'd be like, let's scramble the jets. Let me try to write.

No, no. We went to a gas station every day to get a case of beer. It's like 11. And then we'd bring it back to the pool. And I remember going, you haven't seen this Malaney guy? And you're like, nah, he sounds gay.

I'm like, no, no, he's good. He's good. Well, you also said a thing that changed my whole life. You were like, I noticed you'd never open a notebook, ever at any point. And I was like, nah, I got it up here. Don't worry about that.

And you said something that blew my mind on that trip. You go, well, what do you? You got to wash your feet. And I go, I don't wash your feet. And you're like, you don't wash your feet? I was like, gravity. And all the soap flows down. It's an automatic wash.

And you were like, this is crazy. So you didn't open a notebook and my feet smelled like ass. Yeah, it was ugly. It was bad news. Bad news. And I was about to go to Peru to see my ex-grover in, like, in two days. That's right. So I was all distracted and wacky.

But I remember you murdering on stage. You would kill on stage. And then DeRosa would go up and go, like, what do you guys want to talk about? What else is going on? And you were like, this fucking guy, this is a disgrace. This guy should be kicked out of comedy. And, yeah, it was just, I feel like comedy had a lot more, it had a lot more fighting it.

Yeah. Now everybody's got their own little corner. They're doing their Instagram, their Snapchat, they're bullshit. Well, I think there's a lot less forced interaction now. That's what it is. That's what it is. Now you can go make, blow up in your bedroom with the fucking, iPhone and goes scoobley boop-b-b-b-bop-p, and it's all day job now. You've got to come up for sketches

and the thing, and you've got to hustle. Where back in the day, it was a lot more like, we're sharing a condo. Yes, sharing a hotel room. Which I think is good for you. It was annoying at time, I don't want to share a condo with this fat weirdo, but it was good for you in a little bit. Because even if you fought with a guy, you'd have to see him and then you'd make up. Right, right. So that's gone. Now you fight with a guy, you go, I'll avoid that fucker. I'll just be on the internet. And our manager quit while we were on that trip. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah, we did a little powwow

on the phone. I remember we were in the pool and DeRosa because we all had the same manager and then DeRosa came out and he was like, Bjorn just quit, whatever. And I remember him saying something too. He's like, well, maybe I'll go to L.A. At some point, we all have to go to L.A. And I remember being like this, what? Why? What are you talking about? And he's like, don't you have to go to L.A.?

What are you guys going to L.A.? Wow. So different. L.A. L.A. So 80s. Yeah. You got to live in Hollywood. Fuck that. And then we made him go ask the lady out who was like 65. Yes, and he bought it. He did it.

Yeah, he did it. And the lady, we just saw him go like, and the lady go. Yeah. He came running back. That's a cheesecake factory in all places. That was like the big meal of the weekend. Oh, yeah. That was like a $40 meal.

He better have bought that piece of shit. I think he did pick it up. I don't know. I'm not so sure. Either way. Well, maybe we ran out on it. I can't remember. But fun weekend all around.

I learned a lot. I remember you yelled at me about having a day job. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would go on stage and go, so my work, I file this, I whatever, I had a joke about my day job. And you're like, don't tell him you have a job. What are you kidding? They want to know you're a comedian.

Right, I still feel that way. I've seen guys on late night be like, well, during the day, I do that. I'm like, what are you crazy? You're in a suit. Yeah, but you're working man. You're endearing. You're moonlighting as a comic. I suppose so.

I just think if I bought tickets to a show and then went out and bought dinner and a drink and the first guy comes up and he's like, I'm a janitor. I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing here? I don't want to see a janitor. Well, Superman had a job. Yeah, but I don't think he needed it. He was trying to disguise.

Well, he's got to pay rent. Superman makes no money. Well, I just never thought of that. Hey, that could be something. That could be so. He has no money. These superheroes, like Batman, he's a billionaire. He's Bruce Wayne.

He's like, what is he, an oil tycoon? I have no idea. I don't think he can say tycoon. Plastics. We've got a bleep tycoon. What did he do? Wayne Industry. I think he's just a vague.

If Chuck doesn't know, nobody knows. I'm looking at him. He's wearing a fucking Superman t-shirt and a flash hat. Silver surfer shorts. Was he in textiles? What was he in? I don't know. If we talked about this all the time,

I don't know what people do for money. I don't understand jobs. I don't, anything that's outside of like, construction fireman. If it's non-union, I don't know what it is. Well, there's so many fake job data analysts entry coding. I think that's all out now. Oh, that's out with AI.

But there's all these, I'm an HR secretary to the chief of staff. But you never see Bruce Wayne actually working. He's never like, that's true. He's never carrying the one and everything. Yeah, yeah, you never see him like, gah, the Johnson file. board meetings and dark night and stuff like that he's got some meetings there's some meetings it's all vague but I think that's what billionaire people do I don't think they actually work I think they make other people

work yeah I don't really know yeah but Clark Kent had a job he worked to the daily planet probably got paid all right I think he was what a journalist or a wasn't he a photographer or was that Jimmy they didn't think of a Spider-Man I think it's Spider-Man his thing is he's like famously struggling Spider-Man's He's like famously. Well, wasn't he 11 or something? He was a young. Yeah, he was a kid.

Yeah, he's in high school. So he had free rent. I don't know. He lived with Aunt Betty or whatever. No, he lives by himself. He goes to college. Oh. Yeah, I think it's a big part of him.

What was the aunt's name? Uncle. Oh. What was it? Aunt May. Aunt May. How about that? Pye May.

I just read, I was reading the whole Superman Wikipedia because I was in Cleveland on the flight home. All they have is Cleveland. I went to, I mean, all they have is Superman. I went to the bookstore. It was like local interest, literally, local interests. I'll send you the photo.

Local interest, and it's 100% Superman. That is the only interesting thing locally in Cleveland. So I was reading the whole Wikipedia about the two guys that came up with it and blah, blah, blah. It was like, it was in this thing. It was black and white. And they were like, no, you got to make them this and whatever. I already forget it, though. Action dogs.

You hate that you read and then you just lose it. You don't retain. It's hard to retain. I should be like, oh, Superman, that was invented in 1930. Because I read it. But it just shoots right out the back of my asshole. Yeah, yeah. Like, come.

I find that this is not interesting, but I've been watching, I'm getting on a history kick, and Netflix put out Ulysses S Grant, FDR, Lincoln, Teddy, whatever. I'm watching all of them. I hold it in because you see the image, so you can relate to something. Yeah, visual is better. A visual sticks in your head, and boy, these FDR, I mean, FDR couldn't walk. Yeah. I mean, when you get past the new deal, you say New Deal, I start falling asleep.

I don't care about a new deal. I don't know anything about deals. Good deal. It's a good deal, though. Art of the deal. Great deal. The old deal is a piece of shit. But anything political, I'm like, ah.

But then you get to the human stuff. Like, the guy was faking being not cripple. That's insane. The President of the United States is waddling with braces on his legs to the podium. Then he would hold on and give a speech and kill it. Superman can't walk. Well, that's what I retained. I remember hearing his second or third elected three times.

That's right. His third inauguration is the shortest inauguration speech in history because it was the link that he was able to stand up. Wow. So it was like a six minute speech because he was like had like, you know, the Jimmy legs. He was like, I'm happy to be the president again. Thank you. Crazy.

Cut, cut cheating on his wife. He's like, all right, well, she wants a divorce. And then his advisor goes, you got to stay together. It's going to look bad in the press. So he stays with her just for the press. Same here. Yeah, it's crazy. Polio, Jerry.

Ralph Loren. Yeah, that's wild. Crazy. FDR. I love all the inside scoop. Ulysses S. Grant was the coolest guy ever. A guy was broke. He was a farmer, whatever.

And then they joins the army. He's really good. They raise him up. He becomes the whole Union General, the whole Union Army. Kills everybody. How about Trit? Give him Hell Harry Truman. I haven't gotten to Truman yet.

Truman Show. He's good. He dropped the bomb. I mean, Conquit has that great joke. They called him Hell Harry. because he was like a big bussy. It was like a sarcastic nickname. Oh.

Like they were like, hey, give him hell, Harry. You nerd? Right, right. And then Quinn's joke is about how like bullying is bad because then he's like, oh yeah, give him hell, Harry? How about this? I will give them literal hell. He's just bombing knocking, knock and sock.

They're like, Jesus Christ, Harry, we were joking. We're busting your balls. Yeah. Oh, one thing about Gray, he went to West Point. I don't like I can fart. I'm going to shit my pants. Oh, geez. The coffee will get you.

Like Shane Gillis and Greg Warren. Huh? they both went to West Point Oh, is that right? But they both left after a year. Well, I think Shane left after like a couple days. He left. He's joined the football team.

He's like, this is crazy. I can't do this. Greg Warren did a year there. Then went to Kansas or Missouri. Now, Kansas, a Missouri. Okay. It was a all-American wrestler. Wow.

How about that? What does that mean? You always hear All-American, all-American. You know, basketball. He's an all-American. Well, in wrestling, I think it's top seven. wrestlers are all Americans. But I think in football, they must put it

to her vote. I think they get to the writers get together and they're like, all right, who are the best? These are the All-Americans. Who's doing these votes? I never get a piece of this. All-Americans is an All-Star. I made the All-Star game. That's All-American, but college football. Yeah.

They always say All-American when a guy is white and blonde. That guy's got an all-American look. You could just say Aryan or honky. I bet that's offensive now. The All-American. I bet it is, yeah. But I think you could say about it a black guy. You could say it about it, but they never do.

Michael Chey, he's an all-American guy. Well, it's like that old Jimmy, remember Jimmy Fala? Oh, yeah, of course. Jimmy Failure. Yeah, his name's kind of like failure. Failure, yeah, like a Bronx guy. It's an unfortunate comedy name. But yeah, great guy.

Well, he had a Joe, he used to be a cab driver, and he was like, everybody was always blown away that there was a white cabby. But they would never just say that. They'd never be like, that's a white cabby? They'd go, huh, you don't see a lot of, yeah. Yankees driving caps. They would always come up with some random weird term because they couldn't say white. That was like Ted Alexander had a bit when Obama first became president, no eight. He was like, a black president, I like it.

It's like a lady bus driver. You get on, you're like, whoa, wow, oh, okay, no, no, good, good, good, good. I love it, yeah, all right. That was funny, funny bit. I love that Geraldo bit. Now we're doing bits where he goes, he's Hispanic, but he didn't really come off as Hispanic. His name's Greg. He's kind of white looking.

and whenever people would find out he was Hispanic, they would always go, what? Man, you look good. How funny, you look good. That's great. He was a funny Hispanic. Yeah, R.I.P. I think he's Colombian. He was.

Or he went to Columbia. Am I confusing those? I think he's Colombian descent. And he went to Columbia? Can we get a reading on that? That's crazy. I don't know put that together. Maybe you're right.

No, he is Harvard, I think. I think Nome is Columbia. I think I'm confusing. Okay, he is Colombian. He's Colombian, but went to Harvard. Born in Queens. But it would make sense to go to a New York school being from Queens. I wonder how many Colombians have gone to Columbia.

That's like the salsa salsa. Yeah, although it's the same word. He's Columbia, he went to Columbia. Yeah. Why are you from Columbia? No, I am from Columbia, but I went to Columbia. Sure. Well, of course you went to Columbia.

You're from Columbia. Oh, yeah. It's a little who's on blow. Harvard. I think he's Colombian but went to Harvard. I think we put our heads together and we slam dunked it. I think he's a valedictorian as well, but I don't want to speak out of giz. Chuck, can you read?

You're looking confused. I'm sorry, I'm done. No, no, it was just your face looked like you couldn't figure it out. It's an interesting sentence. Greg Giroldo was born in New York to Colombian and Spanish immigrants. There you go. He went to Columbia University for his undergraduate degree before graduating from Harvard Law School. So he is Columbia.

He is Columbia. That's crazy. And Harvard. And Harvard. What a, what a brain on this. mix. Now, we've talked about this before. I've talked about this all the time. This is one of my big talking points about how comedy is the most diverse job

in emotional work. How many jobs are there a Colombian guy who went to Columbia and another guy who went to West Point was an all-American wrestler? Yep. And then you got the hood. Yeah. And then you got people just fucking straight up Down syndrome in the business.

Sure, sure. We won't say names. But Richard Pryor's grew up in a whorehouse. Right. I mean, you can't get more down and out than that. Mike DeStefano, DeStefano, had AIDS, and was a drug addict. Gomez's dad was killed by Knife Point. Which, uh, Mike D had one of the great jokes ever.

They're like, what were you before you were a comedian? He's like, I was a drug counselor. And they go, what were you before you were a drug counselor? He was like, I was a drug addict. He goes, I was a drug addict. He goes, I was eight. Great bit. Mike DeStevano, if you don't know him, look him up, but he was like a scary,

was he Italian? Yeah. DeStefano. From Bronx? Gotta be Bronx or something like that. But one time he was on an interview and the guy goes, so how'd you find your voice? He goes, what the fuck is?

I was born with a voice. What's this voice bullshit? You just go up there, you'd be funny. You got enough of this bullshit. And the guy was like, okay, okay. Jesus. He was a short-tempered wop, that guy. Yeah, he was great.

And then died of a heart attack. Yeah, he was like HIV positive and then died of a heart failure or something. That's got to be. That's a left turn. It's kind of like Sam Kinnisansans, this big co-cat alcoholic. he gets in a car, you're like, gotta be drunk driving.

Someone else hit him. Yeah, and he was sober. I think he's sobered up. I think the guy who hit him was drunk. Stame to Stevie Ray Vaughn. Also sober. Helicopter crash. And then Bill Hicks,

keep drinking, folks. He got fucking lung cancer or pancreatic cancer. He's like 32. And he smoked eight packs a day, so you're like, it's going to be lung. Right. Here we go. Pankreatic.

Andy Kaufman, lung cancer, never smoked a day in his life. I think it's Clifton, he did. Oh, maybe you're right. I think that was the weird thing. He had an alter ego, Tony Clifton. He was a vegetarian who didn't drink and didn't smoke. Tony Clifton would eat a steak, drink whiskey, and smoke.

Interesting. How crazy is that to go a whole other... You're the same guy, but you're wearing a different outfit, and now you change your whole life. It'd be like if you put on a different shirt and went gay or straight. Yeah. All right. Bob, what's your last name? Up and down in the water?

Favorite joke of all time. Oh, I had another thing. Bob, up and down in the water. What we're talking about for Gerald? That's better than anything you've got. We did Geraldine? We did Ted before that. But I had a thing.

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You said Ted off of something I said. What do you say when you see things? Ted Alexander. Something. The bus. Oh, you did something before the bus. FDR. FDR.

The bus. Oh, I got it back. Oh, Jesus. So, sorry. That's a meaty white flesh you got. out there. Ulysses S. Grant went to West Point. So when he was fighting in the Civil War,

you know, it's the right or the south-first, the north, slavery, the whole thing, they would go, all right, well, general whatever is at this place, in Vicksburg, we got to go kill him, he goes, I went to West Point with that guy. He's a bitch. We can take him. Really? So he knew all the generals because he went to school with him. They're all the

same age. Wow. So he would be like, I remember that guy. He's a homo. We got this. And they would win. How funny is that? That he knew the generals So he's like, oh, that guy's going to retreat. I know him. Yeah, being at war with people you grew up with, that's fascinating. And then you get to kill him.

Isn't that weird? You're like, oh, I was at home neck with that piece of shit. All right, let's go murder him. Yeah, it'd be weird to shoot Gary Veter in the face. Just like, ah, p-mm-mm-mm-mm. Yes, exactly. He says something really clever as he's dying. I miss Veter.

Veter had a great point the other day. We were talking about all those comedy redactics and all that. Well, now that Tom Cigora is dumped or broken up. I shouldn't say dumped when they're divorced, but they're done. All these guys are doing videos about it, and it makes you realize these guys, it exposes them as just gossip columns.

Of course, yeah, yeah. It's not even like comedy breakdowns. It's just, it's just TMZ or Us Weekly or Extra, but for comedy. Oh, absolutely. Okay. And they all have millions of views. Millions of views.

Well, I've watched a couple, so now my whole algorithm is just like, oh, yeah. Still like, Joe Rogan's a fuck face. Tony Hitchcliff is gay, Chuck is weird, Mark's a homo. Yeah, Burke Reischer's lost it. You know, everything's extreme. Samarillo's in a wheelchair.

Right. You know, and it shows a picture of them, you're like, they always find an ugly photo. Right. You know, the newspaper, they go, Rock is dead. You know, they have to have some catchy bullshit. Yeah. You've got to get the click.

Click bait. I'm holding in a shit. But you've got a wheelchair? Can I throw this out you? You can ship between shows. Sure. Now let me get your feedback on this. I'm excited. So I went to

the subway yesterday, right over here. I get down there. I'm on the platform. One side is going to Brooklyn. One side is going to Manhattan. Right. The Brooklyn side shows up. I'm going to Manhattan. Brooklyn side shows up. A lady gets off in a wheelchair. Rolls off

the subway right onto the platform, a little dicey, and I can see her doing this. and I snap in action. I was a Cub Scout. I want to help this woman. And I go, you're looking for the elevator? And she goes, yeah, yeah, I need the elevator. I was like, I got you.

Let me go check if it's on the other side. I run down the other side, no elevator. But there's a bunch of construction so she can't get around to see. I run on the other side, no elevator. And I realize the construction is the elevator. Oh. And I go, the elevator's down. And she goes, oh, and she's so distraught.

I mean, she's sweating and just wheeling around the sun in the subway. So I go, you want me to carry you? Come on. I swear. I felt so bad because this poor woman is stuck underground with no access to the sunlight. And this is like a crazy stairwell. You know, like it's one of those, we are low. We're in Hades here.

Right, right. Is this yesterday, by the way? This is yesterday. She's probably dead. It was a forest fire. It was fucking gnarly outside yesterday. I keep going outside. I never saw anything.

Really? I looked up in the sky. I never saw one. one puff. Oh, maybe it was worse in Manhattan. It was gnarly. You walked out.

It was like, oh, you didn't notice? I couldn't, May said she was in Midtown. She's like, it was crazy, but I, I didn't notice a thing. That's true.

Anyways, sorry. Sorry. So I go, you want me to carry it? She was like, and now there's a crowd for me. And I'm just,

I got Ulysses S. Grant my head. I want to be a hero, you know? I got FDR. No legs. She's FDR. She's FDR.

She's FDR. She took the FDR train. So I was like, yeah, you want me to carry? And she was like, you got to think of the logistics here. This means I'm going to, you know, hold this woman up like Baywatch, bring her

upstairs, put her on the disgusting ground, go back, get the chair, bring the chair up, and plus it's going to be a lot of finagling. Like, you know, and then you're face to face. I'm sweating on her. I'm breathing on her. Well, you need a second person. I mean, this is no good. You can't do this by yourself. Wow. I mean, she's getting a couple more guys.

I mean, it is Brooklyn, so it's going to be tough find a volunteer. She was Asian. So I feel like they have smaller. They have hollow bones. They're like birds. That's true. So I was like, ah, you know, and I don't want to do it, but I already asked. I put myself in the position.

Oh, boy. And I'm thinking, maybe I could do the over the shoulder, like a fireman, you know? She's in the chair? She's in the chair. You're going to take her out, put her out, and then go get the chair. I guess I could have done the click, click, click, click, you know, backwards. Like the untouchables. I didn't think about that one. This is a long,

stairwell. I mean, this thing was up there. So she was like, eh. Yeah, I don't know. Mino, no, no, that's a good idea. Yeah. And so I was like, uh, it's your call. Kind of hoping she's like, eh. And then thank God this black woman goes, you know, you could go to the next stop. They have an elevator and then just wheel it around a little extra. And she was like, I'll do that. And the whole place was like, all right, all right. But yeah, that was a scary moment. Then I got on the train and left. But, uh, whew, that was dicey. I felt so bad for this woman. Yeah, that, I mean, first of all, it's just too many, too many wrists, too many, uh, what do you call it? Liability. Yeah, but what's that? Variables. She could have shit in her pants, pissing her

cut. She could have long, yellow, pointy nails that scrape you, and give you whatever. That's true. Yeah. She was as cute. Bird flu and all that stuff. COVID-21. Right. So I think you did the right thing. You offer it. I offered.

It's like inviting, you know, Chuck over. Yeah, exactly. You pray they're out of town. Exactly. Hey, Chuck, we're having a thing. It's no big deal. But, oh, it's during the Superman Marathon.

Okay, fine. We'll see you next time. Whatever it is. Hawkeye Marathon, yeah. All right. So I never got Superman. I don't get it. I want to like Superman.

Well, you know what he's one of the first guys. So out of the gate, you got to go broad. Right. He's a Superman. It's like, you ever watch old comedy where they're like cats and dogs? What? And the crowd's like, oh my God. How did he think of that?

And now you can't do cats and dogs. Well, the thing is, I watched, I tried to watch the Superman, whatever, 1978 Superman, the Superman movie. Yeah. It takes, it's 60 minutes and it's still no Superman. Really? It's Marlon Brand. It's slow.

There's a rock. There's a light. Jorrell. I think they don't need, don't give me an origin. Just everyone knows Superman. Just cut in there and Superman's Superman. That's true. They really milk, back in the day, they milked this shit out of the beginning of movie.

Like the shining, nothing happens for like an hour. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of nothing. Yeah, four play. Foreskin. Yeah, so, well, she was Christopher Reeves. I mean, this lady was down and out. Christopher Leaves. Folks.

Stuff writes itself. But yeah. Anyway, I offer it. So she's dead. She's in a backward trunk somewhere. But you didn't notice the sepia tone yesterday? No, no sepia. Really?

I wish. It was so crazy. You noticed? I saw an air pollution thing on my phone. It's crazy. I wasn't able to see it, though. But you didn't smell it? I didn't smell.

Well, there was no seeing. It was just the whole atmosphere. It smelled like a forest forest. God, I was also And everything was like blotted out, it was like orange. I was not upset by just whistling Dixie. That's wacky.

Yeah, I guess I gotta look up. Hold on, here it comes. This is gonna be not a shit. Ooh, that was a cutie patootie. I think I might have the parasite. I couldn't stop. Oh. Oh, you know, it's funny.

Somebody tweeted, yeah, we're doing great in America. I can't eat lettuce or breathe air. I was like, damn, it's right. there. That's good stuff. I love that lettuce is the thing we can't have. Like, oh, we've got to lose way, we got to cool out with the Pop Tarts and the Jack of the Box. But don't eat lettuce. That'll get you.

Greg Rogel had a bit like that years ago. He's like, you know, Cheeseburger will kill you in 40 years, but lettuce will kill you tomorrow or something like that. Some bit like that. I heard a great... I was on the floor the other day yesterday, two days ago. Matt Wayne and I drove out to the Ryan Reese gig.

What's the name of that place? That gig's great. Long Beach. Barrelli's. Yes. I've done it 30 times. Yeah, yeah. You're the go-to guy. Quick shout-out to that spot. That place is fucking awesome.

Great food. They give you a great food. Great room. Meatballs. Just hot crowds. The salt of the earth, meat of the cock crowd. Long Beach, baby. Love Long Beach, which is where the Corleones lived and the Godfather.

Oh, I didn't know that. I brought that up on stage last time. People started debating me and you know that thing where you know something so well? And then people are like, now, you're out of your mind. So then you're like, am I crazy? Right. And I'm like, how do you live in a town where the godfile, the greatest film of all time takes place and you're unaware of it? Right.

You know that? That should be on the water tower. I mean, if backdraft took place in Whitman, I'd know about it. Well, backdraft is a little bit weaker than Godfather. But I know what you mean. Like when I grew up in New Orleans, I would tell everybody, interview with the vampire. Right. Everybody walked by.

I told an interview of the vampire was shot right there. And they would go, who are you? We've never met. that was a big thing. I'm like the Corleones are your neighbors and you're just unaware. Unaware. Anyways, great gig, great pizza, great meatballs, go out there, check out that room. Ryan Reese, great guy, fun show.

Good show. But on the way out there, we're talking Van Halel, we're talking music, Matt Wayne and I. And David Lee Roth is one of these guys now that's still trying to rock. Oh, really? Which is very sad. These rock stars, I have a feeling, a hypothesis, a thought. I don't know things anymore. What do you call that?

Theory. Theory. Pythagorium. I think once you're, if you're a rock and roll singer, once you hit 70, you should do solo acoustic in a theater, like a Johnny Cash. I hurt myself. Right, right. Like David Lee Ross should be like, might as well jump. You know what I mean?

He can't even walk. But they're trying to sing, and you got to see the video. I'll send it to you. He's like, if he jumped, he'd die. He's like, you got it tough! I've seen the toughest around! And he's wearing spandex. He sounds like dog shit.

But the comment, some of these Instagram people, these internet people, it says, a pair of jeans would have been just fine. I was on the floor. I couldn't stop laughing. I'll send it to you. There was another comment. I don't have Instagram with my phone, but this is good stuff. Matt sent it to me.

Hold on. I'm going to send it your way. You reach a couple of top comments. The problem with rot, they're like athletes. If you keep going into your old age, it gets sad. Like you see Larry Bird try to dunk a basketball. He's going to break a hip. You know, you can't, that's what's great about comedy.

I mean, just look at it. Look at the image. Oh, boy. That's terrible. Look at those pants. A pair of jeans would have done. Read the top two comments because it was pair of jeans was great. And fuck, the second one was great too.

Well, there's an industry in the comments. Like, you can see there people who are fighting for the best, the top one. Salakuse does that all day long. He's very lonely. Comments are out of focus. I mean, the top other one is I didn't even go to the concert and I want my money back. That's good. That's very funny.

That's funny. Hold on. Show mark the video. I can play a little bit of this. We can plug this in, right? Yeah, we can. How about the first guy to write? I walked out of that movie and I saw it on a plane.

Oh, that's good. That's a big one. Whoever came up with that really deserves it. a high five. I mean... Oh, this is tough. The pants! Look at those pants.

Oh, man. He's trying. I mean, he's got a sleeving shirt. He's like this. Oh, man. He's dancing like my mom. Oh, poor guy. His big smile.

Can we get an age on this guy? He should be doing synchronized swimming. This is out of control. I mean, this is one of the all-time great. Wow. I guess he could do a nursing home for people of his own age. Well, I think he would look normal. I think you put him in a small theater and have him on a stool.

Right. And he can be like, you got it tough. I've seen the toughster around. You're like, oh, this is like a new spin on an old song, you know. But Spandex is crazy. That's bananas. A pair of jeans would have just done fine. It's great.

You have guesses on the age? I'm going to say, all right, first record, I think, was 73, 70. Wow, that early? 76, maybe, that first Van Halen record, which is one of the great debut albums of all time. I'm going to say that's 50 years ago. I can't believe he's alive. I'm going to say he's 74. I'll say 81.

71. Oh, wow. I thought he'd be way older than that because he peaked in the 80s. Well, he's born in 1954. 54. That makes sense. He was 20 in the 70s. Okay.

Yeah. 20 something. Okay. All right. Yeah. Damn. And he's literally dancing like this. Well, I hate to shit on your asshole, but I saw the Stones live and they were cooking.

Yeah. Well, Mick looks unbelievable. I mean, he was at the World Cup match. He looked like fucking just a regular guy. It looks better than I do. I think what's the other guy? Keith. He just never stopped doing drugs, and it's keeping him alive in a weird way.

I think if he had stopped, he would have died. Well, you got money. He got a blood transfusion at one point. What almost killed him was a coconut. A fucking coconut fell on his head. Get out of here. That was 20 years ago now. That's hilarious.

He was like, oh, he went down. What? I mean, that's comedy. It's great. No way. Yeah, yeah. Did an anvil hit him and a piano fall on him as well? Did he fall to a bad hole?

But any far, we got to tell a story, for God's sake. This has been crazy. I got a whopper, but I think we're out of time. We got a little bit of time. I can tell some non-woppers, a junior whopper. All right. Oh, yeah. Give me a Mick Jr.

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Well, I could talk about Portland, Maine a little bit. All right, hit me there. Well, I was up in Portland, Maine. First of all, I got no stories. I was in Maine for fucking seven months, it felt like. Uh-huh. And they had the fucking massive heat. It was 105 degrees up there or some shit,

which is, it throws off your rods and cones when you go to a place every year for 40 years. And it's 70 degrees, whatever. You bring a hoodie at night. Right. You go up there, it's 106. Wow. But we did, speaking of shoutouts, Empire Comedy Club.

Woo! Great room. One of the great rooms ever. Lucas is the man. He runs the club. Great egg. It's his spot. Outtack of an old Chinese restaurant.

Yes. Lunch. And so it's one of these gigs where, like, people just kept reaching out being like, I'm in town, I'm in town. I live in town. I hate I'm in town. Well, first of all, Dan Bulger, our boy. I like Bulger.

He's the best. Battle of the Bulger. You know, Bulger's a little screwy in the brain. Sure. So, uh... Good screwy. He's like, at the Thursday Friday show, he texts me like Tuesday. He's like, I'm not going to make it up there tonight.

I thought I was going to come, but now I can't. I had my charapidous appointment. I stepped on a thumbnail. Okay. I go, tonight, I go, it's Tuesday. I'm in New York. First of all, you have that heart attack. You know that feeling when somebody texts you and they're like, hey, man, I got a bail on tonight.

You're like, tonight? Yeah. What am I supposed to be? I'm knee-deep in pussy at the titty bar. You're like, what is this? The worst text of all time, where are you? Where are you? Where are you?

Where are you? Oh, my God. Where are you? Carver in San Diego. So I go, yeah, now the gig's on Thursday. And he's like, oh, all right. Next night, Wednesday, he's like, hey, man, I got swamped. I'm just not going to make it up there tonight.

And I'm like, still no show yet. Yeah. It's Wednesday. The show's Thursday. Oh, boy. So he's whacking me out. By the way, we had Tom Dustin's Bachelor Party Monday night. supposed to be a big surprise.

Surprise got blown. Take one guess which comic blew the cover. Uh-oh, who wasn't me? No, Bulger. Oh! Because Bulger's Bulger's in Nantucket with Tom, they're shooting the breeze.

Big Al, who's Tom's best man, he calls. He goes, hey, all right, it's all set up, baby, we got a go thing, and then he gets on the phone, Tom goes, what was that about? And he's like, oh, the axe throwing event Monday night, but that's not anything. That's nothing. Don't worry about it. He's like a nine-year-old, this guy.

Well, he's got some mental problems, but he's the funniest guy in the world. So anyway, funny. You do an empire? Kick-ass. So we go up there. That's my bulljur. Kick-ass. He's supposed to be, he's supposed to be on the show, but he bails.

Mike Tooey, you know Mike Tooie? He's a Brooklyn guy. He's from Long Beach, actually. Really? Oh, yeah. Is he a fireman or a cop? He's a comic. Oh.

He's what I told you. He has that bit. We talked about where... Pull up Mike Toey's face. I might know his face. I don't know if you can find it. He's pretty obscure. this guy. Yeah, he's not a good-looking guy.

He's a tooy. Oh, he's a very handsome boy. Oh, okay. I think my wife is a thing for him. Ah. He's one of these quiet guys. He's in the corner all quiet and handsome. Oh, okay. Strong, quiet, handsome. We love quiet guys. Interesting face. There he is. Yeah, he's like a man. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's

got a square jaw. Looks like an astronaut. He's the one I told you. Has the joke that I love about he dated a girl who just wore thongs exclusively all the time. He's like, you wear him all the time? He's like, that's all I wear. He's like, to the doctor? Yes, yes. Is this a rash? How good is that fit?

That's very funny. He's got another great bit that you'd love about, he goes, when you bump into a guy, like an elevator door opens and you're getting on and a guy gets off, you go, he's like, what is up? Every guy does oop. We do do oop. He's like, but you've never seen a father with his son be like, you got to do oop. You bump into a guy, you got to say oop.

That's true. He's like, I knew a guy one time that didn't do the oop. He never spoke again. That was very funny. That's funny. Very original, very imaginative. Yeah. I saw a black guy do a bit. Johnny Carson.

Yeah, very good. Very imaginative. I saw a black guy. He goes, black guys, we go all out with our handshakes, you know, when we bump into each other. You bump into white by the white guy, they go. And I was like, I was sitting in the crowd. I was like, we do do that. I do go.

That's good stuff. That's very good observation. I love an oop. I love a, is this a rash? It's all great. So anyways, he's in town. He's with his family, whatever. He goes, can I do guest spots?

Like, okay, great, you got the guest spots. Then Doug Key, he's like, I live in Rhode Island. That's only an hour, whatever. I'll come up. There you go. Because the hotel, the club doesn't put him up, so I'm like, I'll throw you a few shekels. And then he's at no hotel the next day.

You always feel bad. You're open, it's just homeless for the day. Right. But I had my parents and the baby, and he's too hot to me near my wife, so we kept it separate. Are we talking toui or Dougie? Dougie. Okay.

It's a hot guy fast a minute. It's a little emasculating, because I got Doug and Tooie, these two handsome boys. Then Brendan Eyre came by. Oh, he's a handsome. He's a three. He's like a purple belt. He's covered in tattoos. He's strong.

He's hilarious. So I'm just in there with all these hot guys. The whole hour I'm on stage. I made Sarah sit behind me. Jeez, you got a grueber for the cute men. You're like Tim Dillon. That's not bad. So anyways.

So great show. The whole point is there's no air condition. in the building because it's Maine. They usually just open the window and have a sea breeze. Ah, Maine Coon. So they do this. Have you ever seen this trick? I was like blown away. You want to how these people get to the top. This is from the 50s. They took a big bucket of ice and put it in front of a fan. That's like the original air conditioning. I feel like something Rocky Balboa's teacher would do. Mickey? Mickey. So, yeah, there's this big coach.

Trainer. Thank you. Cornerman, Mike Traynor. There we go. You need a manager. Yeah. I want you to eat a soft. spotlight or eat a stoplight and shit red, green, and yellow. Eat lightning and crap thunder. There we go. Take it to the zoo. Retards love the zoo.

Anyways, they put the ice bucket challenge. They get the fan going, but best shows of my career. Ah, right. We've heard that. Three shows all sold out fucking unbelievable fans going, pouring sweat. I was like a black, I felt like earthquake up there. I had a big towel. Get the towel, yeah.

I was schitzing. Doug Key did a bang up job. Except for one joke he tried. But he killed, two he killed, Sarah killed. Sarah's got some hot stuff popping off. Hell yeah. All right. Tola. And then, so it's just a great show.

Great hat. You're back there. The problem is that room. It's just like a little wall. I can hear them all flirting with my wife back there. I'm on stage. I just hear her giggling and then be like, well, I can bench 300 pounds. I can bench 400 pounds.

She's like, oh, ho, ho, ho. That's so funny. And I'm like, can you shut the fuck up back there? I do hate that the stand has the. that. It's a good club, but there's that wall everybody stands on, and there's no door. So they're just going, oh, that joke's like that. I'm like, I can hear everything. I hate

that. Oh, boy, I hope you couldn't hear me. I know. It hurt my feelings. So anyways, the shows were fucking lights out awesome, and then the Friday afternoon, we went out to Peaks Island, which is where I grew up going, which is fun. You take the ferry out there. Lower Peak. That was dynamite, but it was 175

degrees. Aye, aye, aye. Yeah, just shout out Empire Comedy Club. Mike Tewey, Doug Key, Sarah Talomash, check them all out. Fucking unbelievable shows. Thanks to everyone that came out. It was so fun.

You love selling out the shows. Oh, yeah. That feels good. Small room. Yeah. But that green room is tight, too. You got to really make love in there. Oh, yeah.

I ordered a pizza. It was delightful. I get the Chinese sent up. Yeah, they got like that wacky Chinese. That's like Sasquan or Sasquash. Thai? Is it Chinese? Had Thai food.

Oh, really? I think it's, look it up. Look at the Empire Comedy Club Portland Chinese food. It's some kind of special Chinese. It's like Wack Fusion, Wacking Chinat. Seshwan? Seshwan. It might be Seshwan.

I don't know what that means. I don't either, actually. I like general stuff. Give me spicy Kung Pow! Chicken. Oh, yeah. I love a Kung Pow. I want white rice covered in orange jizz.

I want to eat it and be like, who! Yes, Kumpo. You know? I want my asshole sweating. Empire comedy, Asian food? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that ought to do it. Asian bottom restaurant.

That's how Salikus does it. It's true. It's Rinn, Thai restaurant, and bar? Does that sound right? I don't know. Rinton. I think it's Linn. I don't think that's right. If you're Rint to Tin or Nabilin.

The Rines are crossed. Make it spin or else you win. Because MTV is not for free. Portland, Maine. Water main. By the way, I had this to... I'm in Portland, Oregon, in three weeks. Oh.

I got a guy reach out to me. He goes, hey, do you want to film the shows in Portland? I go, great. He goes, there's $200 bucks a show. fantastic. And I go, I'm at the comedy club the second night. I'm like, hey, is there any, uh, is the camera guy here? And Lucas is like, camera guy. He's like, I film all the shows for free. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm paying some guy $600. He's like, there's no guy here. So I'm like, I guess he didn't show. I'm like a retard. It's like an abut and Costello. I'm like, well,

I guess he didn't show. I got rooked. Then four days later, this guy emails, he's like, I noticed you said three shows, but you're doing five. How come you don't want the other two? And I was like, oh, I'm an asshole. Portland, Oregon. He's a helium over there. Yeah. Oh, my God. Don't worry. I got them all filmed. Got the Portland mixed out. It's like if a Colombian went to Colombia. Hot-da-dong, did you find out? It just says Portland Empire Chinese Chicken.

Chinese Kitchen, but they do a fusion over there. It's some kind of wacky shit. They get a little kukki out there. Yeah. I've looked at the menu. It's got some spicy poppy poo. Hong Kong Fui. Dim-sum? Our kitchen specializes in dim sum. Dim-com.

Dim-sum. Drink cum. Carry on. That's a t-shirt. That should be the shirt. I like the O' game, but drink, come, and carry on. That should be the shirt. That's fun. No one has that.

No one has that. It's going to fly off the shelves with the ladies. They're going to love that one. Drink come. Anyways, all right. That's our got milk. Give me one of yours. I save some stuff.

I got some stuff. So let me throw this one at you. I don't know if you noticed anything about me. Anything different. Well, you got Oklahoma City basketball shorts. This is Fabletics. We love the fab. After the big Nick celebration,

you got your Oklahoma City shorts on. Oh, yeah, I love the bombing. Similar colors. What's that? Tan line? Oh, yeah. Why is there a tan line? Oh, yeah, I know.

I don't know. I know. The watch? Yes. Oh, the watch is gone. Oh, how come? Well, I was, over the holidays, I was wrestling with a couple of kids,

just randomly at the mall. And they ripped by one of them, ripped my watch off, because we're really getting in there. My wallet's gone. A five-year-old and a three-year-old. I'm headlocking, I'm finger up the butt, I'm poking eyes out, I'm fighting dirty,

and one of them just claws at me, rips the watch. How about this? The watch band breaks, so I go, ah, shit, I've had this watch for nine years or something crazy. Is that right? Runs like a canyon, never had one problem with it, except for the be-pig and no time-telling. But great watch otherwise.

So I go, fuck, all right, my watch is broken, but just the band. So I go, all right, all right, what do I do? I live in Manhattan. I live in Brooklyn. a million Jews with watch stores out of there. So, me and Salacus have lunch, and I go,

let's Google watch repair. And he goes, I got one two blocks away. We go, great. We walk over there, and I go, this is a timex, $10 watch. It's going to be the easiest watts to fix. I walk in, the guy's got the loop. It's an old Russian guy. You better clean your fucking loop. He's sitting at the desk. His watch is everywhere.

One of these little hole in the wall shops with a zillion things on the wall, you know. And I go, hey, man, I got an easy one for you. And he goes, Can't do. And I go, what are you kidding? It's a band. Broken band.

It's a cheap shit. He goes, that's crazy. Can't do. Can't fix. And I'm like, what are you nuts? You're a New York watch guy. You got watches all over the place. He goes, you need Chinese.

Oh. And I go, I need Chinese. He goes, Chinese man do it. Isn't Cassio Italian? Dimex. Ah. Yeah. So he goes, you need Asian.

I go, oh, geez, all right. So we walk out of there. Salikuse goes, let me see the watch. He starts tinkering. He gets one side in. Oh, wow. Okay. So Salis is our.

already done 50% of the watch. This guy couldn't even touch it. Give me the watch. He's Kramer. So he goes, I can't get the other side. I can't get the other side. He goes, if I had pliers, I could do it. So I go, I got pliers home. I go home. I get the pliers. I can snap it.

I break it. So now it's fucked. So now I have no watch. Richard Pryor's. So I email Timex. And they go. Email Timex? I emailed Tymex? What are they? At AOL? Yes. Well, I DM them.

And I go, hey, Timex. What's shaking Big Daddy? And I sent him a photo of the watch. the watch works, just the broken band. And they write this long, clearly, like, what do you call it? Automatic Response. And it says, like, we care about you as a customer. Here's what you got to do.

You got to send in proof of purchase. You got to take eight photos of the watch. You got to send in the receipt. I'm like, I don't have any of that shit. I bought this thing nine years ago. And I wrote, I don't have any of that shit. I bought it nine years ago. And they go, we don't appreciate the language.

And so how about this? So I put the watch on the counter. I go to bed. I wake up dead. I thought it was going to be fixed No So it's like the band The band was holding it together

It was like when the wife dies The husband goes Right You know And the watch died And it never died in my life This thing I would take it in the ocean Across the seas

During sex fisting Never had a problem with it The band breaks It dies the next day So does it need a new battery Can you still drop it off Can they fix the band and the battery? Well time X is out

Because they need all this proof of purchase, which is crazy. So that's not going to happen. So then, Kismet, Jerry. I'm doing Cleveland, hilarities. I'll come. Huh? That's an outcome.

Oh, yeah. So great weekend, amazing week. One of those weekends, top to bottom, perfect. Every show was great. The food was great. Umar. We had a great time. We watched the World Cup.

We had so much fun. This guy reaches out. Teddy. Teddy. Hey, I'm in a watch guy in Cleveland. I have a show about watches. I've had Jocelynack. I've had Seguer.

I've had Bird. I've had all these comics on. I love comedy. I see you're in Cleveland. Come by, and I'll give you a watch. Whoa. And I go, did you know about my watch?

And he goes, what do you mean? And I go, I have a time X for years. He goes, I don't know. So a guy, a guy hit me up. This is unbelievable. It's going to come out at some point. It's like luxury watches. It's Rolex.

It's Gran Seiko. It's Omega. it's all the big ones. And I go down there, we do a show. He has his beautiful watch door. Gives me an Omega. So where is it? I guess I should have brought it on the air.

Want me to go get it? You don't go get it, but I'm surprised you're not wearing it. Chuck, why don't you grab it? It's on the counter upstairs. What if his wife is naked? Maybe I'll do it. It's the kitchen. The kitchen.

All right, in the kitchen. Grab a Starbucks while you're up there. Yeah, give me a soda. Why did you get me a soda? Yeah. It feels like a Tuesday. So how do you like the new one? I love the new watch, but it's a real man's watch.

It's like fancy pants. I'm used to a child, retarded, special needs, digital. Now, let me ask you this. What do you like about the watch? Do you check the time on it? I want to know exactly what time it is at all time. And I hate pulling my phone out every 10 seconds. Right.

Okay. There it is. Now look at that beauty right there. That's a fucking one. That watch has been to the moon. Listen to this watch. That's nice. Omega.

They're big. They're big. So we did a whole tour. This is the nicest man on the planet. Teddy. Check out a store in Cleveland area. It's engraved. I'll go right now.

Yeah. I'll stay for a week. And he's like, we went around and we picked all my favorite watches. We must have picked five watches. And then we brought him to a little section on black velvet. And he goes, all right, now you've got to pick your favorite. So we went through each one. He told me he knows everything about watches, everything about the quartz and the springs and the gears.

and Saco does this, and they have a battery in it, and this is all digital and windy, and whatever, this one's been to the moon. This was John F. Kennedy was shot in his watch, whatever it was. Guy knows everything, and I ended up with that one. Wow.

How about that? So you got that and a Rolex. Yeah, I can't wear the Rolex. No, you can't. He knew about that. He was like, why don't you wear the Rolex? That's a great watch. I was like, I just can't do it.

No kidding. After about a half hour of hanging out with me, he's like, I get it. Look at that. That's nice. Come on. I feel like a man. It's heavy. It's real time. Now, is it right? Oh, yeah. It better be. Oh, yeah, 1220.

1220. I set it myself. That's nice. Oh, yeah. So I can do my time on stage, tick, tick, tick, stopwatch, you name it. And look at this. I feel like a fraud. That's a honey of a watch. Thank you. What's that a $2,000 watch? You might have to give it a goog, Chuck.

I don't want to say because the fans are going to flip. Well, you got it was given to you. I don't care. Omega watch. Omega, this is the, I don't know, it's got the colorful dials on there. Yeah, colorful dial. Yes. Omega, colorful dial, so it's round.

Yeah, silver. It's a round. It says something on there under Omega. My eyes are going, bro. I can't see nothing. Yeah, me neither. Has the time on it, too? Yeah.

Did I tell you about this? Oh, thank you. Speedmaster. Oh, the Speedmaster. Omega. Speedmaster, round, silver, watch dials. Good name for a method. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

Speedmaster. Hunter Biden. He has a general... 8,500. Keep going. Is it the colorful one? Actually, it's funny, because it does have the Speedmaster. I don't see the color one.

Let me see. So Meg is like up there. Oh, Meg is big, Jerry. Because they were a normal watch company, and then Neil Armstrong wore it to the moon, and that just put them on the map. Oh, wow. Or off the map.

I guess so, off the grid. It's up there. Say it out loud. Come on. I'm seeing 10,000. Read it out loud. 10,700. That's how many steps I got yesterday.

That's not right. That's something in that ballpark. Whoa. I feel bad I touched the fucking thing. I know. I'm going to have to clean it now. But yeah. It's orange and blue.

It's got some dials. Yeah, that's it. $10,700. $10,000. Oh. You had tax to that. That's a good $11K right here. 10,000.

for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing. I mean, that is something now. That's a $10,000 watch. You got to do this show. Forget about your ex-girlfriend for 10 seconds. Get your ass out to Lakewood and get yourself a real timepiece there, Faddy. Ten grand. I couldn't believe he let me walk out with that. I thought it was a prank. I thought he was a prank. I thought he was going to tase me. So he paid you $10,000 to do his web show. I guess it's a right-off. It's a right-off. I'm doing Ron On Show for six bucks. Yeah, I know, right? I wish he gave me six books.

I did another pot after. I paid him. Wow. Yeah, crazy. I would fucking sell that thing the next morning. No, this is the best thing I own. It's this, my kid, and my house. Well, the Rolex is got to be double that.

And those appreciate. Rolex is eight. Is that right? I looked it up. It was eight grand then. That was 20 years ago. Now, I thought Rolex was like the Cremde LeCrew. I think it is, no?

Well, here's the clinker. I'll ask Chachypee too. A Rolex. is like a Rolls Royce. It's like worth a lot. It's sexy. It's rich. But nobody actually wears one.

Nobody wants one. This is a Corvette. This is a Porsche. How many guys buy a Rolls-Royce? Not many. All right, here we go. If you're talking about a combination of history, craftsmanship, prestige, innovation,

finishing, and influence on watchmaking, here's how I'd rank the top 10 luxury watch manufacturer. Rolex is number five. There we go. Wow. I don't think Omega is. even going to be on there. Omega's number nine.

Oh, okay. So you got Pet Tech Felipe, Philip, Petech Philip. Petek Philip. Pet Detective. Vasheron, Constantine. Ah, you see, this is like those guys who, oh, my favorite comic is Kelly Wilder. Founded in

1755. Number three, A. Artie Lang, look at that. A. Lang and Sophany. Okay. Artie Lang and Softney. All right. Otterman's piglet. Five is Rolex. World's most recognizable luxury brand,

exceptional reliability, durability, resale value. Famous models, submariner, Daytona, GMT, Master. Okay. F.P. Jeanne. Yeah. Yeager Leculture. Braggit. Brigette.

Brighette. Omega. Grand Seiko. That's Japanese. Oh. Seiko. Timex is number 11. So that's cool.

Timex is 11? No, I'm joking. Oh, geez, I was about to say. Put it out last night and I stopped there. Paytec Felipe. I'd never heard of that. Often considered the pinnacle of traditional watchmaking, extraordinary finishing complications and long-term value.

Famous models, Nautilus, Calatrava, grand complications. Oh, Nautilus sounds familiar. So there you go. Rolex is number five. I thought I'm a fucking idiot. I thought Rolex was top of the heap. Top of the heap. Top of the heap.

A number one. But yeah, I just walk around. It's like a new haircut where you're like, I'm just showing people They don't notice. Highling to everybody. Yes, big highle. So there it is, folks. $10,000 watch for free.

See? Everybody goes, oh, you do all these podcasts. You got to start learning to say no. And here I am walking out with a nice silver $10,000 hunkages. Wow. Oh, yeah. Thank you, Teddy. That away, Ted.

Hey, Teddy, I'm back in Cleveland two weeks and four weeks and eight weeks and ten weeks. It's worth a flight. Get a five-dollar flight. Get a watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll drive out there with all my stuff. You all. Oh, yeah, move in.

Might as well. Teddy and Becca, two good reasons. Wow. That's crazy. Crazy. Facing Becca. But, yeah, very exciting. Thank you, Ted.

And the whole time, I don't know if I'm supposed to be saying this, because the whole time he's like, oh, that's an expensive watch. That's going to set you back. That's going to set you back. And I kept being like, is he expected me to buy a watch? Oh. But I guess not. I walked right out of there.

What if he sends you a Venmo request tomorrow morning? Well, then I'm moving to Chile. What the hell do I care? Sorry, I'm gone. Well, that's a hell of a tail and a hell of a watch. I think I might go, like I said, back to Cleveland in a couple days. There you go. I don't blame you.

I'll go for a few months. That way I can feel out the vibes. Sure, sure, yeah. Get your hands on it. I just don't get a watch. I mean, you look at your phone all the time. You're texting. I love the one.

When it's not on me, I freak out. You don't have a watch either. I do. It's charging right now. Charge it. The Apple Watch. That's not a Felipe Patech. I love the Apple Watch.

Watch. Tracks my sleep, tracks my walks, all that kind of stuff. I don't want to be tracked. Too much tracking. It's like, oh, I didn't get the steps. I didn't get the sleep. I didn't get the promotion. Anyways, all right, well, we got to wrap this thing up. I have no idea where I'm going to be. What day does this come out? July 27th. Jesus Christ. Hey, how about July 3rd? I texted you. Oh, yeah, that's crazy. Louis. Louie. Give them that tag. We say all the time.

July 3rd. That was a Louie tag. So, where am I this weekend? Oh, I'm home this weekend, but I'm in Portland, Oregon. August 13, 14, 15. And then St. Louis, Funnybone. I've never plugged this in my life. I didn't even realize it was in the books. I turned the page.

You ever do that when you turn the page of your calendar and you're like, St. Louis? Oh, wow. What the fuck did I book this? I don't use a calendar like that. Anyways, I know I'm retarded. But August 21st, 20th, 21st, 22nd, St. Louis, Funnybone. Portland Helium August 13th through the 15th. And go check out Tom Dustin Portrait of a comedian.

He's getting married on August 1st. In QS. It's going to be a hotter than my sister's asshole. So go watch the movie. I'll throw him a few bucks. You guys buy the movie. I'll give him the money. Thank you. September.

I'm in a bunch of places in September. Toronto. That's on sale now, by the way. Toronto, September 24th, that thing's going to sell out. And a couple of other places I've got to look up. Oh, Austin, of course. Mothership, September 3rd to the 5th. Sell that out so it's our fans and not these meatballs.

Broken had J.D. Vance on last night yesterday. Oh, boy. Election being stolen. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, way. Anyways, thanks for listening. Be on the Patreon, Marcus.

Hey, which election? All-American? Hey, hey. Oh, this is the 23rd? 27. 27, sorry. I will be at a big, whopping, smelly Cobbs comedy club. I love that club.

I love that town. San Francisco. Great, great, one of the great cities. Houston Improv. Those tickets there. That's a tough, tough sled now there. It's a big room. Yeah, it's a black room.

Big Black Cock. Oh, I love Big Black Cock. Oh, the BBC, my favorite channel. Zanis in Nashville. We added a show. Love the Nash. They'll be Gash. Pittsburgh Improv.

Come on by. And a lot of Steelers fans. I'm a Steeler. Calgary Laf Shop And then it's my birthday Then Acme in Minneapolis Comedy Works in Denver Comedy on State in Madison

What a club What a run I'm having there That's crazy New hours cooking Come on by Say hello We got a hot 45 I'd say

And yeah Get on the Patreon And what do you got Chew Chute Chute Train Check on my podcast Funbearable We just did a really fun episode With Rupert

Hey It's still alive It's worth the wait It was a good episode Joe would love it. It's called Blockbuster the Game. Each person gets a franchise like E.T. A director and an actor,

and you've got to write your own movie with those people in three minutes. It's a game. It's a game on the podcast. But yeah, check out Fun Barable. And also, if you're interested in being part of a very fun comedy project, hit me fun. Hit me up at At Discount Chuck on Instagram and Twitter.

Just showed Joe and Mark part of the new bit that we filmed. It's lunch. Very funny. Very funny. It's all pipe. That sounded sarcastic. No, it's very funny. I appreciate it.

I like it. Yeah. Hit me up at Descount Chuck on Instagram, Twitter. And love you. Hey, never see you in hell comedy, praise all up.