Tuesdays with Stories! - #667 Fairy Kisses

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

Joe gifts some seed and makes a humble request from the female gays! Mark brings the kiddo to the beach, then the urgent care - and Normado gets a convoy of Tuesgays! Joe heads to the Northeast. The Listicle and Papa List Senior hit a faux pas double header! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Sheath. The underwear of legends. Go to https://www.sheath.com/TUESGAYS and use code TUESGAYS for 20% off. - Support the show & start your free Shopify trial @ https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/tuesdays

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

We're back. Look at that. Thy meat. Hey, that's a nice. You ever look at that? My kid's got weird freckle. I'll have a freckle here. He's got one on his thigh. And I go, if he ever got kidnapped, I'd go, look for the freckle.

Look to the cookie Elaine. Look to the freckle Elaine. Now, maybe this could be a bit. Maybe it's been a bit. Did you have this when you were a boy? My parents would say, people would say, freckles are where God kissed you when you have been being made. Oh, God.

And I got a freckle the size of a set of lips on my cock. Did you ever hear that? Did you ever hear that? Will you look that up? I want to know if anyone else ever said that. Or is that just my... They would always say that. That's where God kissed you.

And I had a freckle on my ear. I had a freckle on my finger. Oh, I got a freckle on my dick, which means I got blown. Yeah, I got one in the inside of my asshole. Yeah, wow. I say, thank God every time I get blown. Come on to me.

I had love sex making last night for the first time in a walk. Because we were on vacation. And I got back, and it was just wonderful to have sex again. Sometimes it's good to abstain. That's true. What, 10, 11 days, and then you fuck, and it's like brand new. You're in love again. Yeah. This might be too revealing, but I was banging the wife

the other night, and she goes, we've got to do this every night. What? I remember thinking, that's kind of a lot. My wife's never said anything like that in my life. She was in the throes. Like, I want to get this every night. There's a hobo cookke walking by Yose. Oh, I know that guy. He used to live here.

Here? Yeah, yeah. It's a long story. I'll honor them. Got a good deal. Well, anyways, my wife never says anything like that. I'm like, just once when I'm like, I'm so fucking horny, just be like, me too. All you do is yes and. You don't want to hear that.

Yeah, good point. Time's up. I will say, our rolls are flipped because my wife's like, talk more, saying crazy shit. I can't do. I can't bring myself, Jerry. We're totally flipped. Totally flipped. I got nothing here.

I mean, we fuck. It's great. and dirty to some dirt like to another thing, but like before in the middle, just once, just once I want to be in the shower, my wife's like, whoa, I just needed to see your cock. Oh, yeah, you're dreaming. That's never going to happen with a wife. I know, but just fake it. Nobody's

wife does that. Pretend. All these wives. Just, hey, my God. You're faking everything else. You know what I should do? I should write a book. You know, those men are from Venus, women are from cunts, whatever. Yes, Pluto. I should write a book that's like, here's how to say things to your man. Wear a

business suit. Be like, I way to rip this off me, shove you a zipper. Well, women get so mad at men because men are like, oh, we like, would women do that? We hate this, we hate that. Women go, shut up, men. We live our own lives. We're feminist.

But any time a woman's like, if a guy did this, that'd be hard of a guy. I'm like, I'm jotting it down. Same. I'm taking notes, but we need women to do that more, and men should be allowed to do that. Right. You should be able to make a little gay video

where you're wearing a suit and you go, hey, ladies, listen up, get in the kitchen. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll make a video. This can be good content of like what we want. What men want. Yes, yes. Make me a sandwich and shut the fuck off, bitch! Get your shoes off. I never got the barefoot thing, by the way. Yeah, barefoot in the kitchen. What does that mean? Why? Put a shoe on. I like a heel. I do, too. What did you look up with the

freckle thing? Because Chuck's dying over here. I dated a girl who was like, just send me porn of what you want to do. Oh, wow. That's incredible. That's incredible. I don't like all this. Every time we talk about women, Chuck's like, I got a threesome with two fucking Sluts. Yeah, but you meet the girl. She's in a wheelchair and has one eye. Yeah, you got to carry her up the stairs. No, every time it's like, oh yeah, I had a girl one time. She baked cookies in my ass and it came on. All right. I think you're full of baloney. Okay. All right. So this is, it's making me laugh because it says it is said that freckles are

fairy kisses. Fairy kisses. That birth marks are wounds from invisible enemies that fairies protected you from. Oh. Oh, my dick got saved. There's also a fairy. Yeah, freckles are angel kisses. Okay. Is there any God kisses?

And there's kisses from God. So it's like three different things. Okay. Well, God's kissing a lot of kids. Yeah. Just saying. Well, and fairies, too. I mean, I would love a fairy to kiss me.

I'm ready to fuck a guy. Sure. Well, we're here every week. I mean, it's been, it's just one of those things. You have a long life. You live till 75, 80, 80, 85. 82 is, I think, the cutoff or whatever they call it. The natural, the standard.

The average? Maybe. I don't know about this country. It's got to be lower than that in this station. I think it's 81. Maybe. What's the average lifespan for an American? Whatever it is, it's younger than most politicians.

So how about Lindsey Graham? Mitch McConnell's dying and then Lindsay Graham just, he goes. Yeah, who is he again? He's a closet homo from South Carolina. Yeah, he's a big big of shit in my own. opinion. I came with that bison. threw him in the air.

Killed him. Do you want to guess on the average age for men or women? I'm saying 78. Let's go men. I'll go 80. All right. 76.5. Oh, wow.

That was way wrong. Maybe I'm thinking of Europe. 81.4 for women. All right. Women. Ladies, you live longer. Yeah. Enjoy that.

It's because they got little tiny brains that don't hold them back. I see. Wait, what were we just saying, though? What were we talking about? You're going to make a video talking to women. then you're going to fuck a guy. Oh, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, what a fucking guy.

Well, it's just you live 80 years. You're sexually active from the age of 25 on. If you're lucky. So that's 50 years. And then you get married, you're fucking the same old lady. Sure. At this point, I'll let Rupert blow me for a couple days. Oh, man, that's a Patreon right there.

You've got to get worried he'll probably bite it off and chew it up. Yeah, if he puts ketchup on it first, watch out. You got ketchup on it. Yeah. Well, Louis had that great biddy. He's like, maybe we'll do the second half gay. He's like, what else am I doing? Yeah, it's a good point.

So, I don't know. I've never been with an Asian lady. I've never been with an American man. He got the great accent. Hot blue. I figured that would get the Asian panties a soaking with some dim sum and some dim cum and some me so horny. Some bright come. That's a T-shirt.

Oh, yeah. Dimso and bright cum. You want cum all over a shirt and your face. I told you this story a million times probably, but. I just told her to Sarah. She was on the floor left. Oh, she's a tough crap. So every year, for years, for whatever reason, my mother would buy the Old Navy USA shirt. You know that shirt?

Yeah. They put out like an American flag, American Pride shirt. Fourth of July, the Fourth of July Old Navy shirt. And my mother would go out and buy one for everyone she knew every year. That was like her thing. That's exciting. Both my cousins, my aunt, I think we were supposed to wear them to Maine, but I just never wore mine. So one year they were white.

And I never really wear white t-shirts for whatever reason. Yeah, what's that about? I don't know. Really? I like a whitey. So anyway, so she bought the shirt, and she bought one for Tom. I was a little bit of course, and he's like a family member. I have a white hood.

So she goes, oh, here's the shirt, and there's just your shirt. Give this one to Tom. So I go, great. Now, I never really wore the USA Old Navy shit. It feels a little bit, you know, you're not going to say this to your mother. You're not going to be like, this is hack, whatever. I'm just not like a, hey, I love Old Navy and America. It's a little goofy.

It just feels silly. You know, my shirts are, you know, whatever the fuck, the Evil Dead or some shit. So I go, great, thank you. I love you, whatever. It's a nice gesture. Exactly. So I go back to the apartment and, you know, I'm 25 years old. I'm a drunk.

I'm living with a time. I don't do, I'm not like on top of my shit. I'm not like, here's this shirt. My mother got you? I have it. I bring them upstairs. And one, I decide, I'll just come on. I'm not going to wear it.

And I like a shirt to clean up. I've done this. I've never heard this. story. Yeah. So every time... I jerk off. I use my Team USA shirt and I'd eat it up with the t-shirt.

This has got to be unpatriotic. I mean, you burn the... This is worse than burning the flag. No, it's an old Navy shirt. You're jizzed on USA! I mean, this isn't old glory. This is fucking... It's a old Navy t-shirt.

Navy's part of the military. And I kept it off the flag. Although I guess you're not the first guy to jizz on the Navy. No. So I use this as a cum rag for about, I don't know, four months. Jesus. God bless America. And, you know, we all know this. Come turns pretty yellow

after you come on something for a while. And crunchy. No wash? No wash. It's a cum rag. You don't wash a cum rag? Yeah, what am I? Going down to the fucking dry cleaner? Dropping it off. So I go, you know, whatever. And then I'm hanging out with Tom one day, and I go, oh, we're talking about my mother. And I go, oh, you know what?

I got to go, joke off. I'm joking. I go, oh, shit. I forgot. I forgot. My mother got you a gift. And he's like, oh, that's nice. Your mother's the best. Oh, no. So I run upstairs, and I got the two shirts. I got his shirt and my shirt. And for whatever reason, I was drunk. I had no glasses, whatever the fuck. I just

grab the shirt, and I come down, I go, here, she got you this old Navy shirt. He goes, oh, my God, thank you. It's folded up. And then I go back upstairs. I'm like, yeah, she's the best. And like the Flintstones, I hear, Joe! And I go, yeah. He goes, did you fucking spill coffee

on this or something? I go, what? And he, He has it unfurrowed, and it's just jizz machine. It looks like a map of the island's yellow, brown crust. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. That's the wrong shirt. And so he's like, what? And I run upstairs. I get the fresh one, and he's just holding my jizz.

Oh, thank God he didn't put it on. No. He's got some crunchy shirt up to his navel. No, it just looked like a bag of frosted flakes. jizzing on an American shirt, you're Yankee Doodle. That's not bad. Yankee Struel.

Yank your noodle. But anyways, yeah, so I gave him the big jizz shirt. I felt horrible because it was from my mother. I was like, this is from my mom, and it's just 50 cum stains. Oh, yeah. One for every state.

One time, I used to just jizz and old socks and just throw them all over the room like dead soldiers. And one time my mom was like, oh, yeah, I did your laundry. I went in your room and got all your dirty clothes. And I was like, oh, yeah. And she's like, yeah.

And we had this look like, I know every sock was as hard as, you know, tinfoil. No, I had the same thing, my tidy whitties. I would use tidy whitties and they'd just whip them under the bed. And then one day they're just not there anymore. And I'm going to have my son at some point. I'm just going to have, you know, come all over my house again. Yeah, well, all those very kisses. I told you my old story about, I used to just, because, you know, young dudes are so gross.

Sure. I used to have a, what do you call it, a twin bed? And it was up against the wall. And I just rub one out in high school and just roll over and hit it on the wall. Like multiple migs. Multiple migs. And my wall, we eventually moved out. And my dad's like, we got to get moving.

Let me help you move all your stuff. So we pull the bed off the wall. And it looked like one of those candles, an old Italian restaurant. Just stalactites galore. Just years and years of old dead kids all over the wall just drivet. dripping down thick, white, gooey, hard

jizz from years. It just collected. Yeah, and then someone moves in there. I know. You moved into this house. There's jizz everywhere. All the bricks got jizz on them, I'm sure. Plus, Chuck gets here early.

He's probably throwing some gum on the wall. Sure, Spider-Man. Well, he loves Spider-Man. A lot of webbing. But, yeah, he knew it, too. He knew it, and I knew it. That was the worst part of, like, pulling that bed off the wall.

He sees that waterfall, and he's just like, okay, let's just keep moving. Well, it's crazy to think about this, and I think about this all the time. I talk about it all the time, that for years, because it's hard to remember now, you jerk off like four times in a day every day. Every day. Had to go somewhere. Now, you know, I come one day, I got to wait two days. The next, even 24 hours later, I'm like, I'm still rebuilding. Same.

Same. Reconstruction. So back then. I mean, just the idea, if someone's like, you had to jerk off to completion four times today, now at the age of 44. It's like drinking eight gallons of water. You know, you're like, I can do it. You ever try to drink eight gallons of water? No.

But not eight glasses. Oh, glasses, yeah, yeah. I drink eight glasses. Eight ounces. What it was it? Is it eight ounces? It glasses, yeah. But it's a lot more water than you think.

Or you try to drink a gallon of water a day. That was always with the weight loss. You drink a gallon of water a day. So you have the gallon and you just walk around. with it all day and after a while you're like I'm gonna drown internally this is a lot of water. Yeah, it's a lot of gum. Yeah, but it's the same with jerkin.

You're like, I can do four a day and then you're like, god damn. No, because I remember being a kid and like that fourth one it would just dribble it would be like clear like. It would hit the shoe. It would fall out like this. Right, right. Like an old man going to bed. Well, I had one the other day where we didn't get to make love for, you know, 10 days because we were on a vacation. And then when I came, I felt like a boy.

It shot up to my nipple. have one of those since the 80s. That's my lady loves a real sharp shooter. Yeah, it's a good feeling. Oh, yeah. Now, I always wonder as a woman, do you feel to come shoot or just kind of gets kind of wet in there? I asked her this.

Yeah. And she said the body knows. You can't really feel it because the whole point of sex is to reproduce. Sure. So when the jizz shoots, the vagina's like, here it is, scoop it up. This is what we do. This is what we're put on earth to do. They don't really feel.

feel like the moon and the tide, but I don't think they're like, oh, I felt that. But I think the pussy gets wetter or sticky, like weirder. It changes a little internally because there's a new character's been introduced. Sure. Kramer's in the house. Call in. Whoa. I'm Sieben.

And hey, you lady gays, set us a photo of gum dripping on your face. Please, please. Is that too much to ask? Come on. That's why we started a bar. Would it kill you to just squirt? Come out of your pussy and send us a slow-mo video or a photograph. I mean, how hard is that?

I know. That's nothing to ask. You send us nice photos anyway. Yeah, yeah. It's easy. Just stories at gmail.com. Yeah, just hot, jizz dripping out. And don't you go hoarding this if somebody does it?

Yes, yes. This was my idea. I want the full credit. it. If we get a snowbally come video, you shoot it right on over to me. We had a woman who sent in a crazy shit. I remember that. Yeah, that was very exciting. Me and Mark talked about it. You saw it. Yeah, this was a wild, she, uh...

She diddled. Oh. And she also... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that, that bag of... Yeah, that was crazy. That was another lady that did send bosoms at one point. Yes.

That was like a year ago. We've had that a few times. No, that's one that one that was one that. was like way long ago. Yeah, and she was all right. Yeah. Maybe resend those because I'm backed up over here.

I got nothing new. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got an old Navy shirt. Yeah, what are we doing a podcast for? Set its photos. Jesus Christ. H. What's the H stand for?

What is that? Harry? Howie. Jesus H. Christ? Oh, holy? His middle name's holy? That's amazing. Well, he's, you know, you got knocked up with the nails.

I thought it was Herbert or Howard. Where did that come? What's the origin of that? Jesus, H. Christ is in the Bible. Jesus, H. Tapp dancing Christ. It's sad. Herbie? It took Herbie. Horowitz? Hector. He's already, Jesus. Maybe he's Hector. It took me too long to figure out what H.E. double hockey sticks was. Oh. It's sad how long that took me. I was like, oh, hockey sticks are like L's.

Oh, yeah. Jeez. Yeah. We just hear it. You never put it together. As expected, Jesus does not have a middle name. It's a famous American slang edition. So where did it come from, though? Who came up with the H? Who came up with it? Yeah, it must have started somewhere.

You know, 86? Like 86 at a restaurant? 86 carrots. Yeah, 86 World Series. That came from a speakeasy on 86 Grove Street. And they would say the cops are coming. 86, go to a meeting like go to the 80s, go to the 80s, go to that. that place.

No kidding. We're shutting it down over here. Where's 86 Grove Street? It's right in the village. Ah. Yeah, so 86. According to biblical scholars, the phrase likely stems from the Christogram or Christogram. Christogram.

I know. I've never heard of either. J.H. J.H.S. which is an abbreviation of Jesus' name in Greek. Early Latin translators misread the Greek letter ETA, which looks like an H. As the English H. This led to the visual show.

I'm lost. I thought it was just like a dad, because my dad would say it when he would spank. He'd be like, Jesus H. Christ, look what you made me do. I do that's how it got spread. I think people just said. Then this Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ and the Blues Brothers. I've seen the light. That's the only time I've heard that.

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Well, anyways. Let's get into some stories, for God's sake. This is Tuesdays with stories. You got that right, Fannie. I got some stuff. Hit me with it. Where you been? I mean, I haven't seen you since 1985.

Well, the Fourth of July was a thing. Sure was. Boy, I had a great with the kid. It just becomes such a more holiday. You get to bring the kid to the beach. You get to give the kid a popsicle. You get to give a kid. We're out in the backyard.

Playing. My kid will not stay in the home. He wants to get out. Oh, that's good. He's all about the outdoors. He hates the house. Perfect neighbor. for it. Yes, yes, you'll get abducted. So,

we're at the ladies' parents, which is Cape Cod, baby. You can't go more rural. The woods are in the backyard. It's one of those things. They are out there, Jerry. You see the stars, you hear the birds that chirping, and the crickets, like my act. So I got the kid outside. We've got the cousins. They're all friends. They're all playing. They're older. Whatever. Soccerball, baseball, everything. So, we go to the beach.

Kids getting a little funky on the beach. He's a little wonky. And we're like, maybe it's too much sun. He is pretty young. Maybe he drank some water. He's just not digging the beach. He's a little cranky. All right, he'll be fine.

He'll be fine. Maybe he's hungry. Maybe he's tired. You know, you do all that shit. Sure. Then we get him home. He's playing with the kids. And we give him some, maybe let's give him a little snack.

Give him some peanut butter crackers. Sure. He's woven down the crackers. And the sister, the wife's sister goes, I gotta say, I don't want to scare anybody, but he's wheezing a lot. A lot of wheezing, a lot of like, and you're like, well, he's running around.

He's out of breath. And then the wife goes, I did give him peanut butter. And she's like, well, I think he was wheezing kind of earlier. And now it's just getting worse. And we're like, huh. So then we play it with him a little more, and he has like a attack. Oh, no.

And it's so fucking scary. His head, his face is red, He's eating too, so I'm like digging shit out of his mouth. Maybe he's choking. Do I give him high? Do I give him a CPR, whatever? And the wife goes, or the sister goes, I think he's got some breathing stuff going on. You should take him to urgent care.

And you're like, oh, once someone introduces that, you're like, oh, is this serious? Right. What's going on here? You just freak out. By the way, I might go to the emergency room over urgent care. Well, slow down, Fetty. We're going to get there. So once somebody says you should take a kid to an urgent care, you're like, well,

We kind of have to now. Or are we bad parents? And we're like, hey, he's fine, shut up. Because then you don't want the kid to get hurt. And I'd be like, I try to tell him. Well, it's a weird line because you don't want to be the panic parents. Yes, yes. But you also don't want to be the guy in the front page of Time magazine going, yeah, guys, kid chokes and dies.

He doesn't do anything. Fairy kisses. So I go, all right, fuck it. It's right down the street, whatever. But then I'm like, yes, July 3rd. So it's going to be nuts in there. And the sister goes, tell him he's wheezing. You got a wheezing toddler?

They'll let you right in. They put toddlers at the front of the line. That's very nice. Well, you got it because kids are more apt to die. Yeesh. And old people. Aha. But nobody cares about them.

They had a life. Exactly. Get the kid his chance. So we hop in the car. Kids a little. We hop in the car. We throw up to urgent care that let us right in. It's crickets in there.

It's bone dry. There's no one in there. So we're like, oh, great. So the kid gets in. I'm wheeling him around in the wheelchair just to, like, play with him while they sign all the papers. There's a wheelchair. I found a random wheelchair. I'm just pushing around.

He's loving it. So we get him in there, and he's just kind of like, what are we doing here? I'm playing. Why are we here? You know, he's kind of confused. The doctor comes in, and he's like, I think he's fine. I think you guys overreacted. This is crazy.

And the wife goes, well, I gave him a peanut butter sandwich, and he was seem to be a, and he goes, peanut butter. This kid needs a steroid shot. And I'm like, I don't know, I've given peanut butter all the time. And he goes, you said peanut butter, and then you brought him in, you said he was wheezing. I got to give him a shot. Well, didn't you have a story before that he wheezed with peanut butter before? So you gave him more. Yeah, yeah.

So I've been flooding with peanut butter. He'd be eating peanut butter for a year. Right. And he's fine. One time he was wheezing, but it might have been a coincidence. Yeah, I think so. So the kid's eating a jar of peanut butter over time. So I go, I don't think it's peanut butter goes, look, you brought in a wheezing kid, you say peanut butter.

I think it's the right thing to do. And I was like, okay. So he just hits the kid with a steroid shot and the kid's like, whatever. This picture his traps get huge. Yeah, right. He's picking up the gurney. Dick's tiny.

He has rage. So the kid gets a steroid shot and he's immediately like, it's like a cartoon. He's just sit straight up and he's like, woo, he's running around the hospital. He's got so much energy. And I go, I don't think he needed that. The kid's climbing the walls. He's picking up equipment and bench pressing the nurse. And then he finally is like kind of jittery.

You know, May is holding him. And the doctor goes, I think he's fine. And we go, really? Okay. Something feels off. He still feels off. And he goes, you know, now that you look at it, he's kind of grunting. Which is one of these weird things with doctors, you're like, shouldn't you just know what it is?

Right. Like, why are we doing all these things where I tell you he's wheezing? And he's like, he looks fine, steroid shot. And he goes. That's hilarious. I know. That's a good point. and he goes, he's kind of grunting.

He's sitting holding the wife going, wait, can I be prejudiced for a moment? I don't like a male pediatrician. I don't want a lady. Preferably a hot one with some cleavage. Well, we had a nursey lady in there. She was pretty all right. All right.

But this guy, I like an old guy. I don't like a man near my child. I hear you. Give me a lady. I hear you. Well, he was old. I'm okay with old because I'm not threatened. And I feel like he's been around.

I know with his old pedophiles. That's a good point. Plenty of them. They're all old. Most of them. No, no, no. No, this is young pedophiles. He's his young pets. Beater.

Sure. Beater is not a pedophile. Salacus. All right. He's got three kids, by the way. So he goes, yeah, this is a tough one. Let me give him some oxygen.

So they give him oxygen. The kids doing the, which is just a horrible sight. You see that thing, and he hates it. He hates it on his face. So I start doing it to show him it's okay, but he still doesn't like it.

and eventually he goes, I would take him to the hospital. And I go, what the fuck? What is this guy? What are we doing here? You should revoke this guy's license. I know. And he goes, well, look,

I just don't want to be responsible if there was something wrong with this kid that you didn't do anything. You showed up with me. I told you to go home. But he's a doctor. I know. That's what I'm saying.

So I was like, what's going on here? And I remember I looked at the nurse and I was like, and she goes, what you never want. This guy's a bag of fucking feet. Urgent care is. I'm never going to urgent care again unless I got like a ward on my ass. No, yeah.

Urgent care is more for that, by the way. It's not for a baby that can't breathe. Yes, yes. Urgent care, yeah, is like a freckle, like a big fairy kiss on your hip. That wasn't there the day before. Right, right. Jesus, fairy, and Joseph. So I go, what the hell?

And he goes, you know what you should do? Get the kid an ambulance. Then they'll take him right in. And I was like, I heard wheezing. And he's like, that's only for urgent care. So I was like, okay. Well, ambulance also is going to be like $40,000. That's what the wife said.

She goes, well, ambulance is at least a great, a cool grand. And he goes, well, you want to get right in, don't you? And I was like, well, how are we going to get an ambulance? And he goes, there's one here. It was like the Seinfeld episode. Like, we did an ambulance. There's one down the hall. Oh, my God.

So then he goes, let me get the guys. They're here. They're hanging out. So I go, okay, fuck it. You know, money's no option. It's the baby. We want to do right by the baby. So these guys come in with the gurney.

and they go, whoa, Tuesday, it's all pipes. I've got a sunburn, I got a Hawaiian shirt on, I'm holding the baby, I'm crying, I'm freaking out, and they're like, whoa, fatty, what's taking? You guys are going to fart on me? Yehah, comedy, whoa. It's a bunch of young dudes with mustaches. Oh, boy. So they go, oh, is this fan?

Is this the boy? They know all about the boy. They know the wife. They know everything. And you're kind of like trying to be like, yeah, all right. But I'm also worried, and we're taking an ambulance with my husband. My son, it's a lot going on here. Sure.

So we put the kid on the gurney with the wife, so the wife's on the gurney holding the kid. They wheel her ass out. They throw them in an ambulance, which is quite a sight. And I get in her mom's car to follow them. I've been drinking. And they're like, woo-hoo. We're on the highway together. And they're like, hon, hog, hog, drive it next to me.

The whole thing's bananas. And they got the rollers going. So I'm driving next to these guys who are like, yeah, it's all pipe. Ah, comedy fans. on the highway with the baby, and I'm in a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat and flip-flops. Finally, we get to the hospital. It's Cape Cod.

They grew up there, so they know everybody. They go, ask for Dr. Malone or ask for Dr. whatever. I know everybody. The mom worked there. The sister had a minute there. We show up. They wheel us right in.

I get in. I'm the dad. I'm the dad in the Hawaiian shirt with a high noon going, my son's in here. And they go, what's his name? Norman. Okay, go to room 49. I go to room 49.

he's still hopped up on steroids. So I walk in, he's got 18 plugs coming out of him. He's all jacked up. He's running around with equipment. He's holding like a COVID mask and a syringe and all this shit. And he's running up and down the aisles of the hall of the hospital. He's like going, they keep being like, sir, you've got to keep this kid on a leash. This is crazy.

We're a hospital here. Meanwhile, you get to the hospital. It's 4th of July weekend. Everybody's missing a hand. You know, it's a fireworks wound. This guy's bleeding from the head from a fist fight. This guy got a drunk driving. This guy got bitten by a shark.

This kid drowned. They're getting it about to mouth to mouth. It's a scene. And your kid's just kind of a silly goose. My kid's a silly goose. So they come in and they're like, we're not going to lie to you. We're short staff.

We're slam. Fourth of July weekend. Everybody's in trouble. Everybody's hurt. So we're going to try to do our best here. So the lady comes in. She's like, what's wrong? We tell him.

He's wheezy, whatever. She's like, he looks fine to me. He's like hanging upside down from a lamp, you know. And she's like, he looks fine. I'm like, check his breathing. It's always weird when you've got to tell him what to do. Right. So then she goes, huh, he sounds okay, but something does seem weird.

Let's give him a chest x-ray. So you're like, Jesus Christ, okay. How old are you got a kid of chest x-ray? I know, I had to sit him on the thing. I'm wearing a leather or a metal vest. She's like, all right, hold his legs. And he's got this big thing looking down on him that makes a cross with a light. Right.

And she's like, turn him. And he's like, he's on steroids. So he's all jacked up. And I can't sit him down. He's like your hands in the way, move your face, and I'm like, I'm trying to hold the kid down. He was just shooting fucking radiation lasers all in this baby. Him and my head, I got a whole wallop of it.

So finally I bring him back. He's climbing me. He's all over the place. I saw, I see one guy's shirtless, and he's like, he hit me once that I knocked him out. You should have seen the other guys covered in blood. It was a scene. So we get him back in the room.

We wait in the hospital for four hours. Four hours. I had to entertain this kid for four hours. while he's on gamma rays or whatever. And finally they come in, they're like, he'd think he's got a little pneumonia, which I didn't know you could have a little pneumonia. A smidge of pneumonia.

I thought it was pneumonia or no pneumonia. I thought so, too. No monia. What's that pee doing in there? Yeah. Get out of here, pee. Get out of there and get in my ass. Yeah, it's like, there's another word of pneumatic.

That's got a pee? I believe it has a pee. I had no idea. Teradactyl. Thank you. Teradactyl has a pee? Big pee. You kidding?

Does it start with a pee? Oh, yeah. Teradactal stats of the pea? You better believe it. Some stupid people say parodactal because of that. Guilty. Shouldn't it be teradactal? That's true.

Yeah, it's true. P. Nomatic. Yeah. It starts with a pee. How about that? I had no idea about these peas. Mind your peas.

Mind you. Peas and cues. Fights and quartz. So finally, they come in, they go, we're going to give you some amoxinidol or whatever, which is like... A moxic. Thank you. It's a...

It's antibiotic. Right. So can we start on antibiotics versus biotics. They're both good. If one is anti, wouldn't it be bad? Yeah, but I think you get some bad biotics. You've got to get the anti-biotics. It's probiotics.

And then you need a probiotic. Pro-biotic. But they're both good. Well, I think you have biotics, right? And then your biotics get funky. So you've got to get antibiotics. But then you've got to get your biotics back to snuff. So you take probiotics.

Should they be amateur biotics? Oh, yeah. How do you get pro? When they give you antibiotics, you also need to have probiotics. Like you'll buy like yogurt with probiotics to fix the, to balance it out. So you got to be in the middle. Yeah. So you need pro and anti, depending on where you're at biotically.

Yeah. Then there's microbiome. That's like a different thing, but that's all in the same area. Oh, then there's micropenus. Sure. What about disgruntled? Gruntled. I bet gruntled is a word if you can be a disgruntle.

Yeah, I guess so. I'm a little gruntily. But if disgruntled means angry. I think gruntled is between the balls and the asshole. Oh, yeah. Gruntled means pleased or satisfied. Wow, it sounds like a negative. Gruntled, like grumpy.

My wife ate me out last night. I was so gruntled. Yeah. Yes. My wife out, she was disgruntled. There you go. Okay. So finally they give him an inhaler, which he hates.

You know, you got to put this thing on and you go, and he's like, is that all kinds of shit on his face? I know, exactly. But I did one to show him, it's okay, but it doesn't phase him. And then he's got the Monoxa and Monaxa. So he's good now, but. So what was it like a little cold, a little bug? I think it was a combination of he's on all day.

Right. And he's missing his nap because he wants to play and all this. So I think it just caught up to him And she has asthma. Oh, I didn't know that. So it's in the family. Uh-huh. So that was the whole thing.

So he's fine now, but I worry it's gonna. So he's a little, he was a little sick, and they say when you're sick, it'll trigger the breathing. Yeah. So now he's not sick, so the breathing's good. But I just hope this isn't an ongoing, you know, I want to be able to run around and play sports and do whatever without having a, I think he'll be okay. Okay. outside now in the forest fire. I think it'll be fine.

Yeah, he's breathing in that good stuff. I think that helps. All right, all right. Well, it's kind of like your theory about holding in a piss. You put him outside, you know, but you're holding in a piss theory. Oh, it builds the bladder. Yeah. Yes.

Wrong, but it's something, you know. Oh, I think there's something there. Yeah, maybe. All right. Okay, so, yeah. I'm glad he's okay. I mean, I was worried this was going to end badly. No, no. That was a... Well, that first doctor should get a...

He should have to eat his own ass. on Christmas. That was bad news, bear. He was a quack. He had the glasses up here. He was old as shit. He was fat. He sucks.

But thank God for these nurses who are of service. And so no peanut allergy, it sounds like. No, peanuts are fine, but I shouldn't have said that. But you just want to go, hey, you get a peanut butter and this and I just want to give him the whole lay of the land. And then he was like, oh, steroid shot. And that's, who, who, he was like the Hulk. Certain things you throw out there, they have to respond to it. I know.

It's like chest pains. If you go, hey, I got chest pains, it probably like, hey, it's. It's probably anxiety, but they're going to give you an EKG and the other thing. And then because illegal bullshit, you can't answer questions. So I'm like, what do you think it is? They're like, I don't want to say anything. And I'm like, but what do you think? And they're like, well, I can't say that because then you could sue me.

And I'm like, just give me some, we don't, it's all vague. We don't know where we're at. Like they walk in and they go, hmm. Hmm. They do a lot of, hmm. Oh, that's interesting. And I'm like, what's interesting? What?

And they're like, no, nothing, nothing. And you're like, hmm, weird. You're like, what's weird? Talk to me. He's a baby. Some of this should be talked about. I had this, when Sarah was pregnant, we went, one of the nurses was like some kind of Eastern European whatever.

Oh, boy. And she was, you know, you're getting, she's six months pregnant or whatever. They're doing like the same exact thing. Like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. And I was like, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? And she's like, no, no, I just can't find the image here. Oh.

And I said to her, I mean, we're probably talking about this in the podcast. I was like, you can't do that. Don't do a-oh. You can't do a fucking cat. cat scan, puppy scan, whatever the fuck it is, dog scan, and be like, oh boy. No. Yeah, especially when my wife is 75 years old. Exactly.

He's going to be a little Tard Burger, so you can't just be like, yikes. How about this one? Never seen that before. Like, wait, you never seen my dick, but they're like, no, no, I've never seen a dick like that. You're like, don't tell me you never seen that before. That's insanity. It's probably about my thumbprint. I don't think there's a lot of dicks with thumbprints on it.

That's true. That's true. Your dick could get you through a doorway. You got like the thumb-pring. The thumbprint sensor. Contusion for masturbation. That's what the lady said at the STD clinic. What is this?

Conthusion from masturbation? I was like, yes, it is. How hard you press it? Well, back in the day, I jerked off like this when I was a boy. I had four fingers and even an adult. And I had the thought, you've got to really press in there. So it's got like a half pipe in there. It dips.

Oh, gee, Tonycock. That's not bad. All right. Boneycock? Boneycock. Boney Hawk. Boney Hawk. Boney Hawk.

There we go. All right. So yeah, crazy weekend. And then everything was fine. But boy, when you're in a hospital with your kid, it is a roller coaster of hell. Well, you're just scared. You don't want to be that guy who's like, yeah, the kid's dead. You're like, oh, Jesus.

That is true. But, yeah, drive at home. You're also kind of like five hours for that. Right. Just walk in, go, hey, he's wheezing. Here's an inhaler. We'll see in hell. Yeah.

But we're going to see what that bill is. We haven't gotten the bill yet. It's going to be ugly. I think ambulance is ugly, but maybe the boys will hook you up a little bit. But I don't think they're not up to that. It's not up to them. That's the problem with this system. Yes, yes.

And, you know, the whole time we're like, we've got to change health care. This is crazy. You know, that talk happened 13 times. An ambulance should just be gas money. Yeah, we went 14 miles. You owe us six bucks. Yeah, and we had a good time in there, too. We were hooting and hollering.

Right. So I think, well, we'll make some changes. I got a good feeling about this country. I think we're heading the right direction. But here's how cute this town. is. So the next day, we go to the big Kate Cod, 4th of July parade. You know, it's four cars

and three Cubs Couts throwing candy at you. Do they have the little guy in the tiny car that's whipping around? They got the, what do they call? I got the shaver? No, what's that called? They wear the silly hats. Shaker? No. Oh, no. They wear the hats. The Shriner. Shriner's

Auditorium. Yeah. Yeah, so they were cute. We take the boy. He doesn't care. But walking by, everybody's waving. Ambulance guys. They're in the parade. Come on. Oh, there's the boy. The parade is so small in rigging.

They have time to be like, how's you doing? Is you good? I'm like, hey, your truck's leaving. Yeah, yeah, catch up. And mustard. But, yeah, so cute weekend, great time. Cape Cod is a really special place. You know, they got beaches galore.

Hyannis is fun. And the boy didn't want to leave. I mean, he was having so much fun with the cousins. Well, that's the thing. And this is why I want to fucking leave this hellhole shit city. You go. I remember Mike Cannon said this after COVID. He's like, it went and moved up to the wherever the fuck, the Hudson Valley, whatever.

And he's like, I can't bring my kid back to Brooklyn after this. Exactly. We were just in Maine for a week and a half. We were in Cleveland for a week before that. Then we were at my parents' house. We're back home. It's awful. I know.

It's a horrible place to be. Bringing them back to jail. They're like, what? We've got to be indoors. It's homeless. It stinks. It's a subway. It's hell.

Pidgens, rats. I want my conjugal visits back. It's all construction and shit. This button is in my ass. Yeah, but I will say that World Cup saves the, it saves family hang. Oh, yeah. Well, I say it all the time. We need sports.

If we have no sports, we're fucked. Dude, I mean, it was like, you know, you all wake up, 9 o'clock, 930. You're running out of things to talk about. And they're like, oh, what time's the Argentina game on? Oh, it's actually on it four. And you're like, damn, we've got to kill five hours before that fucking game. Then when you put that game on, everybody's just like, something to do, something to watch, something to talk about. It's all you have.

And yeah, we just got back from Maine. We were up there for, it felt like forever, a full week. And then we stayed in Massachusetts for three days for Tom Dustin's bachelor party, which was awesome. Shout out Big Al, setting up a great fucking party. Great hang. Yeah, how was that? It was fun. It was very hot.

It was in an axe-throwing place, which I didn't know this. I mean, I don't mean this braggadociously. Have you been axe-throwing? I don't care for it. It's not my cup. Well, we went ax-throwing. I'd never been axe-throwing. Is he into that?

Is that a thing? No, well, it was a hookup, but we also had more stuff. There was Jenga and pizzas and beer and hanging out, and we got kind of hooked up. It was in the North End. It was a surprise. It was fun. Oh, fun. So I didn't know.

I thought Axtor would be fun. I thought you'd be competing. Like, oh, that was a bullseye. That was five points. That was four points. I had no idea. And for whatever reason, and again, this is not some kind of humble brag. I just throwing it straight into the thing

and it goes thunk. Yeah. Nobody else could get it to stick. It's very hard to get it to stay. And everyone was like, what are you doing? How are you doing this? And I'm like, I'm just whipping it at the thing. But people, it was bouncing off.

It was hitting the ground. Kling, clong, cling, clong. An Asian guy was there? So nobody, no chance in hell, this is Tom's party. So there was no like, oh, who's winning? Just nobody was getting it in. I'm talking men. Burly, men.

man, every once in a while it would stick, but a lot of people were throwing it over there, over here. Now, I don't know if I'm just, you know... Maybe just Scottish roots coming out. I don't know what the hell, but every time I threw it, go thunk. I mean, a couple times, like, maybe 12 out of 15 were just chunk in there.

Wow. But everyone else was hitting the floor. It would just hit the back of the axe. I don't know. And I couldn't help anybody. I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing. It doesn't say when you find you're a savant at one thing, but it's the most useless thing.

Right, but I'm just throwing it. I'm like, I don't, I have no practice. Well, where do you hold it? I held it just like everyone else, but I did it like a dart. So I was like facing this way, one. That looks pretty good. That's good form.

Well, you know, I'm an athlete, of course. But I just, I mean, these were men with jobs, Jerry. They were all going clink-clong, bong, bong, dwing-tong. Wow, ex-body spray. So anyways, that was fun, but it was, there was no air condition. So it was very warm. and then I had my mother there. She was melting.

My mother was a sweater. She's like a heat pump. You'd look over. She looked like the scene in an airplane. It was like someone was just dumping buckets of water. Yeah. Which was nice because I was like, usually have the baby. Hey, I got to get home.

The baby. But I was like, my mother's about to die. She's just like red with fucking water. Oh, yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, the wedding's in Key West in August. So I'm like, she's going to be, you know. Oh, she's going to puddle. This could be the end of it.

Well, the axe throwing, isn't it strange to have beer and an axe? Is that a little weird? It's like having a gun range vodka party. It's crazy, and it's all just, what's that, honor system, whatever. Yeah, yeah. And there's two things in one kennel or whatever. So if I throw and go to get it, I got to make sure this guy's not throwing. Oh, my God.

This is a lawsuit nightmare all day long. Well, you've got to sign a waiver right away. Okay. It's like a wealthy-looking white guy in your garden here. Oh, no. Yeah, I turned around with him. All right. You got tits.

Anyway, so, yeah, you have to scan a thing, but you just go, boop, scan. Okay, you're in. That's crazy. Axes galore everywhere. I'm sure someone's made that observation before. I'm just saying it's, it's kooky to have alcohol and weapons. Yeah. And an honor system.

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Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E-D-com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns. That is quince.com slash Tuesdays. Now, how about this? We're up in Booth Bay Harbor. We go there every year. A few Tuesdays.

I think more Tuesdays are coming because they hear about it. Oh, you spread the word. I try. But anyways. Every day. is just a fun thing. We go to this place called Dutton's Dog House. Ooh, D-D-H. And it's been there forever.

It's just a little, like, food hut. It's a little hot dog stand. And they make burgers. They whip up burgers, hot dogs, French fries. You get a fish had a had a chicken parm over there, which I've never had. I get a chicken farm at Dutton's Doghouse. No, what's the dog mean? Like hot dog? It's small. Yeah, I think it's Dutton's dogs, and then it looks like a dog house. It's small.

So it's a fun, clever name. It's been there forever. It's a staple. and they have the best hot dog, best bun. You get a grill cheese, the perfect golden yellow. And I found the trick. And maybe you know this. You're from a cooking society. It's like a butter wheel. A wheel.

It's like a, it looks like the wheel of, when you have like a raffle and there's all the, hopper. Yeah, it's like a little barrely thing. And they put the butter, they put butter in there, melt it. So it's wet, melty butter. And then they sp. Spin it across the wheel. Whoa.

They grill it to perfection. The grill, the hot dog bun is like the softest but toastiest, perfect gold. Love that. Grilled cheese like you've never seen. Hot dog raw. It's perfection. Yes. So I went there every day.

I'm like the Cal Ripkin of hot dogs over there. That's lunch. So we go there and it came out of a new order. What's that now? You're Joey Chestnut. Have you seen this thing about Joey Chestnut versus Hussein Bolt? I know. I've seen him beat up the PETA guy. Who's the PETA guy?

A PETA guy came on. He's like, you should go vegan. This is crazy. And he just snaps and beats the shit out of the dude. Oh, wow. It's a great video. PETA pumpkin eater. There's the hot dog guy. Oh. That's a stretch.

Okay. Well, so anyways, my nephew, I'll come back to Dutton's doghouse. My nephew, who's 18, he's all TikTok all the time. So he comes into the room. We're all hanging out. And he goes, who would win in a race? Joey Chestnut. This is a fun one.

You're going to like this. Joey Chestnut or Hussein Bolt. You know that guy? Fastest guy in the world. But wait, wait. Race eating versus running. 100 meter dash, but they each have to eat an entire hot dog before they can go. Oh, chestnuts got it.

I kind of was leaning towards that. Everyone in the family was yelling that we're a bunch of homos because chestnut can eat it in under a second. Yeah. But it's going to take them 30 seconds to run 100 yards. Who's saying Bull can run it in eight seconds. Right. But I think it's going to take 30 seconds to get a hot dog down. Easy.

Easy. But then they're like, he'll catch him. So this is, first of all, my nephew said this to me, and I was like, I'm going to post this online. This is going to be huge algorithm. And he was like, no, no, no, I got this from TikTok. And I was like, oh. I thought we had some crazy thing going on. I thought you made it up.

No, I thought he did too. I thought my nephew was like a genius. But he's like, no, no, this is like a huge TikTok phenomenon. Oh, wow. So it never happened, obviously. No, no. We would have an answer. True.

But so the question. The question is, who's saying so much faster than Joey Chestnut, who I assume is a fat piece of shit. No, no, no. That's the crazy thing. He's thin. But he's not nearly as fast as Hussein. Of course, of course.

Just because he's not fat. But I just, I think it would take me a full minute to eat a hot dog as fast as I could. Yeah, well, he dunks it and just inhales it. Right. It's unbelievable. So I got to go with chestnut, but we're in the minority, I think. Whoa. I don't go chestnut too, because also you got to slow down, you got to eat it, and then speed

back up. I just think chestnut, he could not even stop. He could just grab it and eat and run. No, you have to finish. That's the stipulation. Got it. You got to finish the hot dog and then you bolt. Got it.

You're saying. Anyways, Dutton's dogs is under new ownership. So over the last couple years, and it's all women there now. And I was chatting them up. And there's like big, big mussely New England. He's got, you know, the shirt that's like got the torn flag. Oh, yeah. He's got a knife over here.

he's 280 pounds, big truck, he's behind us. I just kind of see him, you don't think anything of it. And I'm talking to the ladies behind the thing. I go, Dutton's Dog House, I've been coming here since I was six. By the way, you guys are doing a bang-up job way better than the old owners. Oh, boy. And they go, oh, thank you so much. And I'm like, yeah, nice to see some women.

Used to be a bunch of just a fat, sweaty guys. I loved it then, but we used to joke in my family that the sweat is what made it great, but obviously it wasn't the sweat. It's the butterwheel. Yes, yes. finish ordering, thanks for coming. I turn around. The big guy goes,

is my uncle's place. Uncle was the old owner. And I go, oh, yeah, well, oh, I used to come as a boy. And he's like, you didn't like it as much then. And I was like, I go, no, I'm just saying this. You know, when you have that, like, a lie going to two people, I'm like, I'm just saying it because they're hor, these slut women, you know.

And then they're like, what did you say about us? And I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, now you're doing the baseball thing where you're between both bases. So a pickle. So, which comes at the hot dog. So he was very nice, though, and he goes, yeah, I used to work in here. We all did our time in the doghouse, which is a fun thing. That's fun. I like it.

I'd love to have a family business where everyone works there. Oh, that'd be my nightmare. So I go, yeah, anyways, great. Then my dad chimes in. He just ordered his hot dog. He never chimes. This is the first time he's chimed. Well, he'll chime with strangers.

Ah, that's a little off-putting. So he goes, it's a great starter job. This is a great first job This girl looks like she's 11 Which she did And the guy goes I work there as my adult My adult job

So we're just faux pying All over the hot dog man The whole family's pying Yeah He's, you go foe papa Well you just assume You talk to a grizzled man You're like

Oh you must have worked here When you were 10 He's like I was here last year Oh boy This is this is I've done this So many times I relate So it's faux pas central And I go okay

Well you're doing great I love it Fuck you I got my hot dogs and got the hell out of there. But we went every day. It was awesome. It was just embarrassing to be like. You just never think, hey, you guys are way better than those old.

You don't think the old owner's son is going to be standing behind you with a knife. The odds of that. Exactly. And then he brought it up. Yeah, yeah. He couldn't let it go and be like, oh, fuck that guy. But he's like, I got to let him know that I know. But he said he was like, you know, Uncle Teddy or whatever is very proud of what they've done.

They've added the menu. They extended it but kept the integrity, whatever. Yeah. So it was one of those things of your hearts racing, but he seemed cool, and I think he knew I was being foxy.

Yes, yes. But that's tough when you have to lie again. Yeah, yeah, with them right there. So everyone's in an earshot of my lives. Oh, my God. Well, it's probably in a doghouse.

They can all hear everything. It's small. And, you know, you try to keep one foot in the, hey, I'm woke and cool. Look at all these women. Good to see. And then I'm talking to the Army guy,

and I'm like, I hate women, these cunts. Yeah, you know. They shouldn't vote. I don't know who I am. I got, My feet are over here. Yes.

A hot dog in my ass. Yes, you're spread eagle. But anyways, Dutton's dog house, hell of a time. Then I bought a sticker house. I'm going to put it in the car. And then you drive home and you're like, I can't have a Dutton's doghouse sticker on my car. That's cool. It's inside.

You're in the know. You have to resell at some point. That's true. What are you going to do? It's a starter car. Let me tell you this. So I had one of those faux pods years ago and I never forgot it. I was at a house party.

and it was Remember when you were in high school Everybody was tough as shit And you were always scared To getting punched in the face Yeah That was my whole childhood Everybody was cool and tough

And manly And I was just a goofy dumb guy Well I always say this In Boston at least Maybe everywhere When you're young The only things that are valued Are being tough or funny

Yes Either you could That guy can beat the shit Anybody or that guy's fucking hilarious That's it I was neither So I'm at this party And I'm kind of fucking around

Holding Court And I go oh, finally a beer. This guy, he sucks. He's a pot head. And this big guy from 10 feet away goes, I'm a pot head. What about it?

Wow. What an ass head. Well, I was like, well, I'm just saying, this guy smokes weed all day. He can't even think anymore. And the guy goes, what's wrong with smoking weed all day? I had a pony. Yeah.

So I'm like, and you know, it's one of those things where you stand up or the guy stands up and he's eight feet taller than you. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I'm just saying. And he smokes a ton. He can't even read anymore. And he's like, I can't read. And you're like, oh, my God, what are we doing?

And all his friends are going, dude, he's cool, he's cool. And he goes, I don't think he's cool. I think this guy was looking for a fight. And I was the loud mouth that he was going to beat up. But all the other guys, I was just prepared like, okay, I'm getting my ass kicked. Let's just get this over with. But the guy kept going. And I had to eventually be like, all right, I'm sorry.

Is that what you want to hear? and he was like, I want to punch you in the face. And all the friends had to be like, dude, don't, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. I know him. He's a nice guy, whatever. And it finally dissipated. But that was a scary moment.

I hate those moments. And yeah, that's the thing. I'm like, am I going to get stabbed over a hot dog? I know, exactly. So I love potheads. They're great. Keep smoking. I hate potheads.

Smoke if you got them. Well, I don't hate it, potheads. I hate the guys with the leaf on the hat. Oh, that's so. So gay. That's got over. I hope so. Maybe in our age bracket, but there used to be those guys that just had a pot leaf shirts and a pot leaf hat.

Yes. And you're like, big deal. Who cares? Well, one thing about pot is it got more personal. Like, I used to go to your friend's house and the whole coffee table was full of weed and rolling papers. It was weed everywhere. When I grew up, it was weed everywhere because weed was weaker. So they were always smoking weed.

You're always packing a bowl, packing a bong, packing an apple, rolling a joint. Now it's like a cartridge. So you don't seeweed anymore. Seaweed. Yeah. Could be something. Could be something. Try it. A ass cloth.

A lot of the goats. But yeah, I don't know. There was a lot less weed around now. There's a lot less weed everywhere. Remember weed? You'd pass a joint. It was communal. Yeah, yeah.

Now is personal. It's like individual. Now you can eat a sandwich with weed in it, which seems fun. I know. You've got a grilled cheese with weed. With the butterwheel. Oh, yeah. Well, the women do it now.

She's a butterwheel. What else? happened out there. Oh, this is just the thought I had that might be gay. Could be a bit. I love a gay thought. Maybe it's funny. I was listening to this podcast and we're talking about the future with AI and everything and how they'll be all like, if you die for your children, they can like kind of create you because you've just been recorded

for an hour and they have all it is your voice and your thoughts, whatever. I think there's a movie about this. So we've had, we have like the most hours of recorded us talking. Oh, this is a thought. So if I died, they could recreate me for my son. But all I'm talking about, there's no advice. There's no me talking being like, you've got to stick together and grow up tall. It would just be my son being like, you know, exactly.

As hat, jizz face. Come on my back and suck my ass. Yeah, this kid's in for a rude awakening. So if I die when he's 10, they're just going to hear me being like, hong-dog-doy. Right, right. He's going to be like, what do I do? He's going to be like, you know, dad, I got bullied, and it'll just be like, suck my dick, come in my fart. Yeah, yeah.

This is all Van Halen lyrics up here. Right. What is it? Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi lyrics, yeah. So anyways, that was... That could be a bit. Thought, maybe a bit.

I think it's definitely a bit, but I don't know if you can do the Hawing-Haw-Hon-Chong on stage. Yeah, probably not. They do that with, like, ALS patients. They build, like, you know, the Stephen Hawking computer? Yeah. They build it with their actual voices. They'll record it before ALS gets that bad. Oh, that makes sense.

Oh, fun. I hope they edit it. Do they do some scrubbing? Well, you put in your own words. Oh, okay. To the store. Got it. And it's like, hey, I went to the store.

Fucked my dad in the ass. Well, I got to run this by you, and it might be a little faux pa to say this, but fuck it. We need content. So, you know, I live in Brooklyn. I got to go into town to do sets, go into the city. You know what the kids are calling Manhattan now? No. Work Island.

That's the new thing, because Gen Z all lives out in Brooklyn, and they go to work in Manhattan. They're all broke And they go back to Brooklyn To be... What's the country? They say it like, All right, I'm heading off to work island. Yeah.

I know. It's depressing. Manhattan was like the place to be. Now it's work island. Like it's a fucking slave factory. It should be fun island too. This is gay bars and... Or Epstein's Island, something.

We can do better than work island. But that's what the kids are calling it. So just a fun fact. So the wife was out of town for a weekend, which is very three. because you forget what it's like to just you're like risky business. I'm sliding in on my socks.

You got music playing. I'm eating fluffer nutters for breakfast. It's great. I haven't been by myself in a long time. Well, with the kid, that's one great thing about having a child is when you're away. You're like, oh, my God. I had so much free time. I'd water the plants.

I'm listening to music. I watched four documentaries. I watched Paris, Texas for the hell of it. Right. I'm writing jokes in my underwear. It's just great. and the wife, will you throw me this towel? She likes nice things.

That's a towel? So she bought these sexy, kind of quilty. Yeah, it feels like a quilt. Yeah, like these are like high-end decorative towels. Okay. I hate these towels. Yeah, this doesn't be like a towel. It's like itchy.

Yeah, and it doesn't absorb water. You wash your hair, you dry it off, and it's still wet. It looks like a blanket more than a towel. Yeah, but I would think this is a blanket. They look good on the wrong. rod. They're very nice. He's very expensive. I'll put it on my rod. So we bought a bunch of these towels.

And I like a towel from Target, like a fluffy brown towel. Yes, brown towels. Give me a brownie. Terracotta. Yes, teradactyl. So, uh, where's that pea? So I'm like, ah, these towels, but they, they look good. They look good on the rod, whatever.

Did it's robin? What? We're bringing props in? Well, Chuck, give me that hot dog. I got a story to tell. I mean, that butterwheel. So she, I had these old towels that I love, but she's like, these are ugly, they're gross, and she threw out the towels.

Oh, boy. So I secretly hid the towel months ago. I love it. Because I love this towel. She doesn't like the towel. I love this towel. So I think at some point she found the towel crumpled up hidden in a corner, and she threw it away in a garbage bag.

It's like the old Navy T-shirt. Yes. I didn't jizz in the towel, though. So she's out of town, and I go, you know what? I got the place to myself. I'm a man. Master my domain. King of the castle.

I'm using my old towel. Okay. I pull this towel out of the garbage. I give it a whiff. Ooh, this towel smells weird. It's been rotting in this garbage bag for seven months. That makes sense. Yeah.

So I think it's kind of mildewy and weird. Bacteria's been growing, parasites, whatever. Parasdixis. But I go, fuck it. I'm using this towel. So I get out of the shower, I'm feeling good. I got the place to myself. I dry down, slide in, put on some panties, go to work, whatever.

And the whole day I'm going, boy, I smell weird. Hey. Now, that was at 10 a.m. By 11 o'clock, that smelled like to tell. By 11 a.m. Or 5 o'clock, I'm itching. Oh, no. I am itching and scratching.

Did you have peanut butter? Like, you wouldn't believe. I need a steroid shot. My whole body is itchy. I got bugs on my skin. I'm freaking out. So I'm like, God damn, what is that?

This is weird. My taint is like burning with, burning with itchingness. You're gruntal. I'm doing this all day. I'm this guy. My assholes are itchy. My balls are itchy. My legs are itchy.

And I'm like, God damn. I think it was to tell. I think so. I guess so. That sounds right. I was so gung-ho that I was. like, fuck this. I'm living with it. So it just went

away? No, I had it for three days. I finally took another shower. And I had to use the old towel, but she got me. The story has no ending, but I still feel it a little bit. But now I don't know if I'm in my head. So did you get rid of the towel? Yeah, I'd do the towel out. Oh, okay. That towel's got

to go. That thing is spreading AIDS. It's covered in parasites and ticks and all this shit. My God, you should have gone to the fucking Cape Cod Doctor. See what he had to sell. Oh, God. He would have sent me to Rikers or something. So, yeah, don't use an old towel. Well, I'm a guy that I use the same towel over and over again.

That's different. I'll wash it, you know, once. I'm the same way. Once a week or whatever. And people will be like, that's disgusting. That's crazy. I'm like, but I'm washing it when I'm clean. Yeah.

I'm clean. So it's only a clean body I'm rubbing it on. But I don't put it in a bag for a month. The bag got me. But I threw the towel in the wash and then I dried it and it still smells. Oh, that's bad news. That's how you know this thing is radioactive. Yeah, yeah.

It's got... It's tainted. Tainted love. Something's going to add to that or say. I can't remember what it was. Towel. Throw in the towel. Towelhead?

I lost it. Exactly. It's like towelhead shouldn't be all that offensive. Yeah, it's not that different. Yeah, towel. I don't know. It's not a towel, but it's like... Yeah, my wife does a towelhead every night after a shower.

Yeah, mine too. Yeah. It's adorable. I like a towel head. I'm trying to fuck her with the towel head on. Sure. It's like I always talk about anything different. You're like, you got a towel in your head.

I'm like, let's fuck with that. Oh, yeah, you got a dick. Let's do it. The other day she had a bandana on. I was like, oh, let's fuck. It's like Dion Sanders, you know. What is she, a crippler blood? I don't know.

My wife does the ban. I think that's in. Yeah, I think they all have. You know what's in now that I'm bummed out about is the long jean shorts. It's like Big J. Yeah, yo, S.A. Put on some real pants. No, she's like, this is in.

and I'm seeing it, but I'm like, in doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Agree. Why does in so powerful? In and bad. In is bad. Yeah. Short shorts are timeless. 70s, 90s, whatever.

I have noticed that this is going to sound creepy, but the younger generation is going back to hot. I feel like our generation for a while was like, big is beautiful. Let me wear the baggiest pants on the planet. Let me wear dressed like an eight-year-old boy with a huge shirt. Big is yucky. I'm sorry. Rupert, Chuck. Get out of here.

There's our T-shirt. Big is yucky. Big is yucky. Get out of here. Yes, yes. Fit. That's hot. Fit is it, and it's always going to be it.

I don't care what anybody says. If you're fit, sit on my face. I'm running for office. That's the shit. 232. All right, we got to wrap this thing up. I'm dizzy. I'm itchy.

My father's gay. Get a towel. I got St. Louis Funny Bone coming up. Comedy mothership in Austin, Toronto, some venue, I don't know. It's part of the festival. sell that baby out. Portland Helium.

A few others. I can't remember. Rochester, I think. That's Portland, Oregon, folks. I'm so tired. I'm in Houston. Houston Tejas. Then I'm at Nashville Zanis. Then I'm in Pittsburgh at the Improv.

Then I'm at Calgary, Laf Shop. We're going to have a show there. Minneapolis at Acme. Denver Comedy Works. Comedy on State in Madison. but maybe shooting a movie with Sam, so we'll see if that comes to fruition. But these Hollywood types are a real thing.

I know, they don't care about your comedy gigs, that's for sure. No, they're real towelheads over there. What do you got? Check, check. Check out my podcast, Fun Barable. And if you want to get involved in a cool film project, we just filmed a pilot with the crew of impractical jokers. Whoa.

Yes, I directed and wrote in a minute. And we're still looking for some backers for some postwork. So hit me up at discount Chuck on Instagram or Twitter. Appreciate everybody that's hitting me up. Appreciate Robert Patton. Yes, he's good. Part of the whole thing. We love Sheath.

And so, yeah, hit me up. Here, here. Clear, queer. Join the Patreon. We're going to do a bonus right now. I don't know how we always say that like it's exciting for them. Yeah. We're about to do a bonus.

New bonus every week. 30 minutes. Yes. Been coming for fucking years. Backstage stuff. Live apps. although they hate those. But yeah, we got all kinds of...

Commercial free. Running around New York, all kinds of green rooms, you'd name it. So get on it. It's the best Patreon going. Literally, like, I'd say maybe four years straight every Friday. Come on. That's crazy.

Hell yeah. That's crazy. Join up. See you.