Tuesdays with Stories! - #668 At Bat-Man

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

Joey at the bat and there was joy in San Francisco! Mark gets pressured to party, and the new watch goes MIA! Joe has a pizza prob, and Mark deals with a seizure! It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Find & instantly book doctors appointments with ZocDoc @ http://ZocDoc.com/TUESDAYS - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Oh, we're back. I feel like I haven't seen you in six years. You've been coast to coast, space coast. Yeah, I mean, I'm fucking tied up, dick-licked, come-swallowed gay. I don't know what's going on. It's good to have you. I need a little of that.

But you're the gray lady today. You're all, you look like Seattle's forecast. Well, I don't know what's going on with clothes. This is not a shit. This is not our asses. What is that? A skid mark. It's a chocolate.

situation. I don't know what these pants are. These people, they send stuff, there's 48 boxes of fabletics. You're wearing it. No, they never stop. I got some of the neighbors. This might not even be fabbledics. I just open it. That ain't fav.

No, this is vintage. This is Tom Petty Vint. This is a Matt Wayne gift. No, no, this. This. Look, you got six zillion. You're like Michael Jackson over here. What does it say in here? What do you say when you see things? It says retarded label. No, 32. Hey, not bad. That's the length.

32. Wait, hold on. That's LL. B. Oh, L.L. Beaner. Not bad. How do I get L.L.

Bean? I don't know. Can they sponsor us? We could use some fishing clothes or something to go hike again. Yeah, we're loser, loser bean. I don't know. I guess you're the more of a loser than us. By the way, L.L.B.

You've got to be tough for the Asians. Yeah. Do they call R.R.B.? Folks. Okay. Well, Lulu Lemon, the old gag was that. The guy invented it just to piss off the... Ruru.

Rurumman. Yeah. I don't know that's true. I've reached an age... Oh, that's true, baby. I've reached an age where L.L. Bean is very attractive to me. I'm like, oh, look at this. I got a pair like brown loafery.

You got a suburban dad over here. What are you in a cul-de-sac, Jack? Give me a flannel. Well, you go in there and it's kayaks and surfboards and boots. Sure, sure. I just want to live it up. Well, you know, I spent a lot of time in Maine, down east. My father's gay, so...

What's the one with Bass Pro Shop? L.L. Bean is kind of more of like the Queefy Pro Shop. It's like the Bass Amateur Shop. Well, Bass Pro Shop is everything, though. You get the equipment in there. They got guns, Jerry. What's that? Columbia, Missouri or something. There's one of those cities you work a Columbia... No, it's not that one.

That's a brand. No, no, I'm talking about the location. There's an original Bass Pro Shop on the road. I just did it. Oh, yeah. It looks like a... They're like you gotta go. A pyramid. It's like a stadium. Yeah.

What club is that? What town is that? I've been there, too. Lexington or... Is Lexington? More mid. Mid-century modern. What is that one of the...

It's more Middle East, Middle West. Can you look up Bass Bros.? Fuck whatever you just looked up? What would you look up? I heard the Lulu Lemon was a myth. Lululemon. That's real. You want to hear the quote?

Yeah. The guy said, The reason the Japanese liked my former skateboard brand, homeless, this is the guy that founded it, was because as an L in it and Japanese marketing firm wouldn't come up with a brand name with an L in it. L is not in their vocabulary.

It's a tough pronunciation. So I thought the next time I have a company, I'll make a name with three L's and see if I can get them to see if I can get three times the money. It's funny to watch them say it. Oh, wow. So he must have fried for that one. Yeah. People are bummed out.

But give me the Bass Pro Shop. I want to come up with it. What are some other places in the kind of middle area? Well, you got Buckees? No, no, but the place with Bass Proch. The place to be. It's not Ohio. It's not Indiana.

It's got a club that's like kind of okay. Oh, maybe KC. Kansas City improv. You want to take a guess? Both of you? Kansas City. I thought we weren't taking a guess. Same guess?

Yours is Kansas City. I think you might have something with Kansas City. I'll throw O'KC out just to keep the Ks going. Maybe it's okay C. No, I'm throwing shit out there. Because I was driving with, but I was there with Matt Wayne. We never went. Oh, fuck.

We saw this shitty movie. be there. He'd be able to place it. I've been there. Wait, Omaha? No, it's not Omaha. That's not Omaha. That's the College World Series and mistakes. Oh, fuck me hard. I'm going to say Lexington. You're going to say O'KC. I'll say KC. I think it's KC. Memphis, Tennessee.

Oh, what? Wait, that's... No. I have been there then. What am I thinking of then? It says the biggest bass pro shop is the bass. Not the original. The original. The first... Well, this one says at the pyramid. You just said the pyramid. No, he said pyramid. I said pyramid. I don't know what about the pyramid. Some of them are shaped like a pyramid.

I was just yes-anding. I want the original fucking, it's like an amusement park this thing. Yes, yes, amusement. Because I never worked Memphis. Memphis is a tough market. You got that straight. They're all tough markets these days. Boston market.

My God. Tacoma in the summertime, I was selling out the early show. Polymarket. It was a cricket fest. I couldn't believe it. Oh, I hate a cricket fest. I walked out there. The worst fest.

Oh, man, there's no Mickey's. There was 12 people there. Oh, that's a big room, too. That's a hanger. You're going to give an abortion with that hanger. All right. Tell me if this sounds right. Springfield, Missouri? Yes. Because I said it out of the games. You double tracked.

Well, we were all over there because Kansas City, Missouri, Columbia. Is it Columbia or Columbus, Missouri? Columbia. Columbia. Yeah, yeah. Where Missou is. We got to come up with new names. We got, you know, New England, York.

You know, they're all repeats. All retouched. How many Milton's and Bridgeport? and Portland's. Wilton, Milton. Well, also, it's enough already with Washington. Washington, D.C., Washington State. Washington, George W. University.

Aha. Washington. And it's Booker T. Oh, yeah, he's good. The wrestler. What did he do? Peanut butter or jelly? One of those.

Is that right? Didn't he do peanut butter? I have no idea. That's got to be, that's Jimmy Carter. Hold on. No, no. He did the peanut. Pea butter.

A black guy did the butter. though. A black guy churned it. Chee. Are you serious? Cracker barrel. Hold on. Crack-ass, crack a barrel? Hold on. Wait, I think, not Booker Tee. One of those got Thurgood Marshall. Oh, he's good. Danny Glover. I think the women do. I can't remember. Hold on. Who did the peanut butter? Who did the peanut butter?

Peanut butter was first made long ago by the Inca's and the Aschats. The Incas, hey, all right. I went to Peru. Incas are black. George Washington Carver did not invent it. He did not, but many people think he did. Oh, Lulu Levin, you fuck me. Who the hell is George Washington Carver? He was a black guy with a lab. He was a black lab.

Is he the chocolate ice cream guy? No, that's Amos. Oh, Carvel, I'm thinking. Carvel. Then there's James Carvel from New Orleans. The Raging Cajun. Then there's Billy Gardell. Oh, I love Billy.

Funny guy. Oh, great guy. One of the all-time guys. He didn't get talked about a lot. Good egg. Yeah, one of the best people I ever met in my life. He had a show called Mike and Molly. Another one called Bob, Bob up and down the water. Bob and Ashadela, Ashabula. Oh, with the Black Nurse. Everyone loves Bob Ashabula, something like that.

Yeah, yeah. He's dating a Jamaican lady or something. Yikes. That was the plot, I believe. Well, I got some stuff here. I mean, we got stuff too, but we can, we can dilly-dally old dally. Well, I'm going to, uh, I mean, I got all kinds of jizz in my ass. Well, this is. This is just things to watch. You know the thing when you go home and your wife's out of town? My wife went to her high school reunion. So it's just me and the baby. What's this?

Four year? 30. 30. Holy come guzzled Nazi. So that puts her at about 44? No. But is she doogiehauser? 49.

48. 48. Yeah. It's crazy that like we're going to be dead like that. I know. It's fleeting, Jerry. It's flying by. My friends.

are all in their 50. I'm going to Tom Dustin's wedding. He's in his 50s. Henry Phillips is in his 50s. All right. He's 71. Big Al, Big Alvin, Big Al David. He's closer to 60 and he is to 50. Ah, I'm eating here. My best friends are approaching 60, Jerry.

Going to the home. They're out to the pasture. It's nuts. Louis's almost 60 to Apollo, 64. Yeah, yeah. 64. Quinn, Quinn was in the, you know, doing sets in the Reagan era. He's almost 70. He looks good.

Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, it's not pretty out there. No. Her 30-year reunion. I mean, she's almost 100, for God's sakes. Yuck. But anyway, so she went down there. We were in, I mean, I've been all over the map.

I played Major League, not Major League, Professional Baseball. MLB's really scraping the barrel. I play professional ball out in Yuba City. You ever hear of it? Ooh, Yuba Stank. Yep. I don't know Yuba City. Where is that?

California? California. Yeah, it's north of San Francisco. Just about 40 minutes north of Sacramento. Okay, that's a tough area out there. Talk about a tough market. It's tough. It's Yuba City Souter. I don't know how the hell you say it. That's a team name, Sutter?

That's the other town, I think. It's like Mareesville. It's one of these areas. I never had, oh, there's May. I never had these areas where there's a county and a town and a town. Right. It's like Yuba City slash Marysville slash Sutton. Right.

I come from. It's like Whitman, Stoughton, Randolph. There's no like, this is this, which is also this, which is that. Yeah, I don't care about that. It's like transitioning. Give me one name. You got seven names. Yeah, you're like, this is L.A., but it's this and whatever.

Anyways. I'm binary. I'm queer. I'm asexual. I'm pan. So this thing threw a wrench in my ass. So you might remember, the folks might remember, a few years ago I played with the Missoula paddleheads. Yes, I love a paddlehead.

In the Pioneer Baseball League, I worked for the league. It's a great little baseball league out there. And so I was supposed to, I thought I was going to get an at bat then three years ago. Never got the at bat. It was too close of a game, yada yada, so we had regrets. But now my friend Mike Shapiro, his son, Jackson and Harry, great guys, who are also my friends, they now run the team. They're the general manager, assistant general manager. And he's the president of the league.

So they went, enough's enough. We love you. you're coming out here. You're getting the at bat. Whoa, mama, you're at Batman. And they're at... That's good. Then they go, your son can throw out the first pitch. Ah, big Marty's out there with a glove and a hat. How about that?

Wow! And a uniform! Jesus, we just broke the $4,000 microphone. It's fluffy. That's all right. I couldn't resist. Sorry, my flop came off. I'm like LeBron. I'm flopping. Gabriel and Glacius. Was that his name?

Yeah. Fluffy. Oh, yeah. Good call. I'm not fat. I'm fluffy. It was a stretch. Anyways, so they go, you're going to come out here.

You're going to play in the ball game. Now, I got to tell you, schedule-wise, this is a hot, black rubbery dick straight in my ass. So it's a good thing. Which I tried last night while my wife is gone. It didn't fit. I don't believe it for a second. I mean, I dumped a gallon of lubing there and just cranked it. But I couldn't get it in.

Send me the video. You got to start small. You got to go with a micro machine, then work your way up to a bowling pin, then a piano leg, and then you get the big black rubber. Well, the baby was in the room. He was like, hey, that's too big. Whatever. His leg could suffice. I'm kidding, of course. But so I'm like, you got a chance to have a bat in a professional baseball league. Come on. Plus, just batting practice, taking fly balls. It's so much fun. So you're like, all right, I got to do it. I look. at the schedule, my summer is fucked in the air. I mean, I'm in Maine for a week, I'm in to-coa, this, that, the other thing. You're supposed to be down in the

summer, down to the drug. You're supposed to say, take a load off your back. Well, once you're there, you're taking loads. Sure, that's true. But getting there is a bitch and a half. Yeah, and then, but everything is, the way you are with showbiz, I am with activities. I'm like, oh my God, a baseball game. I'll do it.

Good point. Good point. I'll do it. I hear you. Key West, I'll go for the week. Right. So this month of July, we're sleeping in my bed five nights, I think. It's fucked. Wow. Crazy.

Because I went straight from Cleveland to Maine, home for five days or four days, whatever it is, and then out to California. So I go, I'll squeeze it in. I'm in Tacoma. Squeeze it in last night. And I looked at the calendar of the schedule, their team schedule. I'm like, okay, I can play Tuesday. and I'll head to Tacoma Wednesday to see the Walshers do the shows. Wow.

So you get a day with the family and then the show on Thursday. Yeah. So then you're like baseball game Tuesday, but you can't fly. You don't want to fly out and arrive and then just go to the ballpark. So I'm like, I'll fly out Monday. Got it. Now, as many listeners know, San Francisco is my favorite city. I'm trying to shove black dicks in my ass.

So, I mean, I love San Francisco. Top five of the country, I'd say. Absolutely. Crown Jewel City. So one day we'll do the five and then we'll move on. I have my five locked and loaded if you're ready. I'm ready, but I don't want to divert or a live grist. We can divert.

Here's my top five city, not best, favorite. All right, it's a personal thing. Personal favorite. New York City. Can't deny it. Boston. That's a home, well, that's a, yeah. You know, San Francisco.

Some roots there. Yep, yep. Chicago. Oh, that's a class second city. Los Angeles. Oh, those are my top five city. Favorite, happy, love them. I'm glad to be here. I'm similar. I would just maybe replace Boston with New Orleans.

And then we'll call it a day. Very similar cities, in my opinion. What? Well, the parish. A lot of Catholics. A lot of seafood. The only cities that go by parish. That's true.

There's Texas. I've talked about this before. I think similar accents, weirdly. The awe, Boston. Yeah, New Orleans. The very AW for O. True. And very drinking cities.

Both claim the oldest. bar, both seafood cities. A lot of boats, a lot of nautical. Little drinking, seafood, the accent, a lot of like, hey, you fuck, you don't fucking get it down here. You don't know how it is down here. True, we're our own little world in there. Like, you go to New Orleans, they've got a different language, the food is different,

the accent is different, and the streets are different. Everything's a little off. Same with Boston. It's its own little thing. Also, we big history towns. Obviously, Paul Revere and the Tea Party, and we got slavery, and we got slavery, and Andrew Jackson. Yeah. So there's similarities there, I think. All right. Never thought of that, but I like it.

Come up with some other stuff. I can't remember. But anyways, those are my cities. And Sarah never has had the San Francisco experience. She's one of the many people. Get out of here. Well, she went once 20 years ago, and the famous Mark Twain quote, the coldest winter of my life was the summer in San Francisco. Sure. She's one of these people, and there's millions of them that go, California, June, Here we go. They put on my booty shorts and my tube top. Of course, she goes, it's 48 degrees.

So she's like, I was miserable, and she didn't have anyone that knows the thing. So I'm like, to me, San Francisco is the most romantic city. The trolleys, the seals, the pier, the architecture, the hills are alive, Jerry. Alcatraz, the homeless. The bay. Milk. The gay area. The bridge there.

Castro. What's that bridge where you jump off, most people? Golden Gate. Thank you. There's a Golden Gate. It's just dumb. Unbelievable. It's a fucking unbelievable city. It's the greatest. So I'm like, all right, we'll fly to San Francisco Monday. We'll get in a little SF time. Then we'll head up to Yuba City. Good husband. Showing her around. Well, I try. Damn it. But you know how it is? You go to the airport. That's a motherfucker. You've got to go all the way up to JFK. It's three hours. The kid's on your lap. You got a boner. So you go out. You fly all the way across the country. Then you got to get a lift. Then it's fucking. I had this one. Don't you hate this one?

I hate the driver who's like involved in your conversation. He's not even talking to you. Oh, that's huge. But every time I look up, he's in the rearview mirror going, he's like making eye contact with me. I hate this guy. And so I'm doing the same. I'm like, I got the baby.

So I'm like, I'm going to go by the ballpark. And he's like, yep. Yeah. Doing that. I can see him looking at me. I'm like, just be in your own world up there. You need the old 80s limo. The partish.

I need a partition, noob. The Bruno Kirby. Yes. So I'm like, I'm getting those vibes. Then he's like, I'm like, I'm going to roll the window now. Get that sea air. He's like, actually, excuse me, the tide is low. Could you leave it up until we get around here?

I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. This guy's a retied. That's good, too. I'll take it. So anyways, we go all the way down there. We're staying in North Beach. Then you check into the hotel. You're just exhausted, but you're like, we only have four hours in the city.

Sure. And then our friend, the Shapiro's, they're like, we're going to take you out to dinner. They know every hot spot restaurant. I love it. And now the baby's been sitting in the car for two hours, the plane for six hours, the car for another hour. So we've got to get them to the playground. But really, you just want to take your wife, please. Yes, yes, exactly.

Take me, Jerry. So we go to the playground. There's heroin needles everywhere, homeless fucking swinging on vines. Oh, yeah, it's a problem. We go out to North Beach, had the best Italian meal, just fucking beautiful. Then I had this one real quick. I don't want to make this too long. Oh, I love SF.

So we're starving. We haven't eaten all day because you're on the flight. And it's one of these things where you land And it's like you get settled in, it's 3.45. But we're having dinner at 6. So you're like, but we're starving. But you don't want to spoil dinner because this is a food town.

You get a snack? You tied yourself over. Retired. So that's what I was thinking. They'll get a quick snack. But then we stop at the playground. You can't get them out of the playground. Yeah. So now it's like, we're having dinner at 6, but my stomach is sucking against my spine. I know the feeling. My blood sugar. I'm gay.

So I go, all. I know a place that has slices. We'll grab a slice. Oh, here we go. Have a slice of pizza. That's like an appetizer. Now, do you get concerned with this West Coast pie? Some people say it's atrocious.

Ah, well, this is North Beach. So it's... It's Woppy. It's Italian. Yeah, yeah, good call, Fetty. So I go, all right, I'm going to grab a slice. We go over. I've never experienced this before.

And Sarah's like, well, this is... Maybe it's New York, whatever. You're used to New York. But I've had slices many places. Big window. People from SF will probably know what I'm talking about. North Beach, slice place, it's been there forever. You go up, there's slices in the window, hot, fresh pies in the window.

Yeah. I wait in line. People are all standing around. I'm just going to eat a cheese slice, and then we'll go straight to dinner. Dinner's at six. It's about 540. Oh, you're right there. So I go, one slice of cheese, please.

Plain slice. The lady goes, okay, no problem. 550, whatever, and a water. Great. Boop. Now, I pay, I'm nervous. There's a whole sheet of slices,

and right away, she doesn't reach underneath it and slap it on a plate and hand it to me. So I'm like, huh, going on here. She goes, all right, the name's Joe. We'll call your name. I go, all right. Maybe you've got to put one in the oven. Give it a minute. Yeah, all right.

All right, you'll call my name. Sounds good. I'm looking at cheese slices all in the window. Okay, they call my name. So I take a few steps back, and Sarah's like, where's your slice? I'm like, I think I call my name. Huh. She's like, call your name.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Call me by your name. 544. There's about 12 people waiting out there. Here comes this pie. Hey, Stephen. All right. Hey, Chuck.

Hey, Dave. Hey, Shelby. Uh-oh. Don't bring him up. They start handing them out. Time is passing. I hate time passing. I'm like, I don't understand.

There's a pile of slices here. I haven't seen anyone put a thing in there. Did they forget about me? They're giving out pies. Yeah. Why don't they just hand me this cheese slice? I know, and then you start going, am I a cunty New Yorker who's all, hey, hey, no, don't sleep on me. Hey, the city never sleeps.

Hey, what are you doing, wasted my day? Well, also, I'm fucking starving, and now... Now you're up against the dinner window. You know me, I'm an early guy. I want to be waiting at the restaurant, so the meeting for dinner over there at six. Now it's 5.51. I'm like, I can't be late for dinner. No.

I'm waiting 10 minutes here for a slice, and I'm like, why don't they just hand me that slice? I'm already furious. So I'm just sitting around. Finally, I'm like, I think I'm about to bail. I'm going to just donate $5 to these people because I don't want to be late for the dinner. This is a slice of life. It's a slice in the face. Yeah.

But Sarah's like, well, maybe they're making a fret. But I'm like, don't you think, am I crazy? And everyone will be like, oh, you're an asshole. If you're selling slices and there are slices in the window. Yes. It should say these aren't the slices. These are not the choice you're looking for. Yeah.

Or if you're saying, hey, I'll slice the cheese, you should say that's going to be 10 minutes. Yes. Because I would have went, oh, never mind. The saying goes, how much is that doggie? In the window. In the window. How much is the slice in the window? What are you doing with the window?

Well, also, the whole purpose of a slice, the reason you get a slice is it's fast. Yes. That's the slice aspect. That's a good point. Otherwise, I would get a pie. I'd get a whole box. So, I don't know. I just left.

I had to go. I'm like, I'm dying. I'm starving, and at this point, you're like, well, we're going to eat, I can't show up with a slice, I don't want to be late. Oh my God, you know what you got to do? You got to go back tomorrow and go, is it ready? What do we do it here? That's what Sarah said? She's like, we should just go after dinner and get a dessert slice.

That's good. So I just donated five bucks to these people. We got to get the name of this restaurant. We got to take this fucking Diego down. I mean, this is crazy. This is a pie, a slice here. That's the whole thing. And what are the slices in the window for?

What are those slices? A tease, apparently. Evidently. One slice of teas. I mean, imagine you did it with a wedding ring. That's the one right there in the case. All right, we'll see you in five years. What do we do it here? That's the whole point. It was boncos.

Anyways, great... You donated five. Great dinner in San Francisco. I lost five bucks. We had a beautiful dinner. I had a fucking chicken bar. The hottest waitress I've ever seen in my life. It's kind of hot where you just have to talk about it in front of your wife. Yeah, I've been there. You're just like, I don't mean to be rude or weird or gay,

but this is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. you go, what are you doing here? You could be a flight of Delta plane. I said exactly that. I'm like, can I save you? Let me just dump this lady. Let me take you to New York and wine and dine you.

We'll get some slices. Tomorrow. But anyways, great dinner. So then the next morning, it's off to Yuba City to play baseball. I might have to pause this and just throw it back to you because I got all kinds of shit. Oh, boy. Well, I got to hear about the ball game. All right.

Well, so then I'll pause. before the ball game, but then I'll give you this part. So we're in North Beach, and it's a two-hour drive. I go, okay, be there by 1 o'clock to meet the manager and sign up and sign your contract. Okay. I go, great. Now, I'm dying to show Sarah some of the town. Sure.

And I rent a car. It hurts on Beach Street in North Beach. Perfect. Life's the beach. So I go over there at 8 a. The place opens at 8 a.m. I'm like, all right, I'll go get the car so we can just have the day. Yes.

The car, it's all, you know, you want to take care of your business. Yes, you're the man. So I'll go get the car, and then we have several hours to go see the city knowing that we have a car waiting for us. Sure. So I walk over there. I get there at 8.04 a.m. Wow. Line out the door.

I tell you, rental cars are primitive, Jerry. They're behind the time, Betty. There's 40 people up the door. I'm like, the fuck is this. How'd that happen? What was there? People fleeing the city? I don't know.

World Cup, Europe. I have no idea. So I go, okay, well, I guess I'll come back. So I take her out. We go see the Mrs. Doubtfire house. We go on top of the mountain. We look at the views, the park, the thing. Oh, boy.

Very exciting. Another playground. 10 a.m. I go back down there. Now we got to go. I got to be at the game at 1 o'clock. Yeah. Go back down there.

Lines still out the door. I go, what the fuck is going on here? This hurts. So now I'm like, all right, I got to get in line. So I wait in line for a half an hour. Oh, my God. Here's your keys. Here's your keys.

Fuck you. Fuck you in the ass. I'm texting the family going, I'm going to be late for the ball game. Oh. My first day is a... You know me, I'm triggered by lateness. My first day on a professional baseball team, I can't get a car. Oh, you're Darrell Strawberry? You got a Coke addiction.

So I finally get the car. I go, what the fuck is going on? I got to ask it. It's Tuesday in a neighborhood. She's like, this is San Francisco. This is summer in San Francisco. I thought you were going to give her the money and leave the car, like the slice. No, it was like, I couldn't get the goddamn car.

She's like, this is just what it is here? I'm like, what are you crazy? Wow, you see again, that New York thing where you're like, we go in the speed of light. We can't be waiting around. But they do. Well, I think what's going on, everyone in front of me, they're like, okay, so returning in L.A., returning in L.A., returning in L.A., returning in L.A., returning in L.A., I think all these Europeans and homos... They're driving to the game.

They got to see California. So they go to San Francisco, one of the great cities, they drive down the Pacific Coast. That's the move. That's pretty good for a European. Well, you've got to think, if you went to Spain, you might rent in Barcelona and drive to Madrid or whatever. Good point. So finally we get the car. We're late.

I'm like two hours late for the ball to meet the man. Two hours. I show up and I got, you know, my bag of balls and my bat and my stupid hat. And the skipper's like, hey, first day late, huh? And I'm like, I know, I'm a piece of shit. I blame the baby and the wife. I'm like, my wife was blowing a black guy, my husband's, whatever. You're Vaughn.

You're born to be wild. You're the bad boy. I'm the bad guy. So anyway, I'll pause there and I'll get into the ball game. Two hours late to the game. I'm a little appalled with you. I can't believe what I'm hearing. I couldn't get a car.

And then you have to stop and feed the big. baby, then he shits his pants, then she comes her pants, and then... Go by San Quentin, though, that was exciting. Oh, that's cool. Who has a baseball team, by the way? No way. Isn't that wild? Did you get to look at it?

Oh, yeah, it's right off the highway. You're driving, the San Quentin's right there. You can look right in. That's crazy. You see a guy running. It's funny, they're big for their prison, Alcatraz, San Quentin. Oh, yeah. The other guy.

There's another one with a bunch of gangbangers in it over there. Hey, folks, this episode of Tuesdays with Stories is brought to you by Zoc. Doc. This is one of these sponsors that I love. It's easy. Come on, a Krasmark. They won't mind. I love to have this as one of our sponsors because I really use this. I used it before. I'll use it for the future, for the rest of my life. Zock Dog is the best. Making a doctor's appointment shouldn't be difficult. I agree. Zock is here to help. It really is easy. Zock Doc is a free app and website that lets you search, compare local in-network doctors with open appointments. No waiting on the phone or calling

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and free overnight shipping on your first order. Wow. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Thanks Bluechue for sponsoring the podcast and the bedroom. All right. Well, I got nothing that cool, but I'll go quick. So I had the crazy last week.

Side splitters. Tampa. The best. Thursday, leave Sunday. All sold out. Can't wait. They love us down there. That's my favorite club market people of all time.

Great club, great town. Tampa they now are saying is the San Diego of the East. But that you're piping suck on it. One of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. Come on. Beach, hot people, universities. party. I guess.

San Diego is spectacular. I agree, but I think Tampa's got some moments. I'm just trying to throw him a bow in here. I mean, I love Tampa, but my God. Yeah, well. Who's saying this? Some guy in Tampa. Okay.

But I even opened with it, and they were like, huh? It didn't fly out of the gate. So forget it. Sorry, tampons. I pulled some strings. But so, before I got this, there's a new bodega cat rip.

And this guy is gung-ho, he's pissed, he's pissing vinegar, he's like, we're going to make some changes. Which you're like, great, let's sell this fucking hooch. But it requires a lot of work. Because now he's going, I'm the new guy in town. We're going to do this, this, this, and this. And I don't want to say no, because I want to sell some alcohol and I want to play ball. Sure. Unlike Sam.

So I go, what are you thinking? And he goes, well, you're doing Tampa. Why don't we set up a show on Wednesday? You know, it's one of these people who forgets you have a life. They're like, we'll just send you here. We'll send you here. We'll send you here. You're like, I have a kid and I have to babysit him and whatnot.

So he goes, come down Wednesday. We'll do a show in New Orleans. It's Tales of the Cocktail, which is a big whiskey festival in New Orleans. They have every year. So it's a pretty good idea. I sell a whiskey. I'm from New Orleans. Here we go.

Ah, that's pretty good. All right. All right. You pulled my ass. I'll do it. So we go to Tipitinas. Sells out. Love it.

Great, great venue. It's an honor to be able to play there as a New Orleans. I grew up going there. It was the staples, R-C-B-G-Bs, they say. Quick side note, the other day I was in Ohio, and I had my Tippettina shirt, and some old lady goes, excuse me, have you actually been there?

Huh. Which is such a weird question, where you're like, why would I have a shirt just of a place that I've never been to? I think I got some shirts of places. I guess, maybe. Yeah.

But she also said it like, it was some secluded, crazy place. Well, they take pride in it. It's one of those, like, if you know, you know, kind of thing. So are you just some kind of fake, what do they call those, phony, fairweather, quiff? I guess so. Poser, yeah, yeah. Like, I think I have a CBDBster. I'd ever been there. I guess, but that's, I guess, maybe you're right, maybe you're right. But it's just,

it felt very accusatory. I think she was accused. Yeah, and you're like, yeah, yeah, I've been there. Salaccus. And you want to be like, yeah, I've been on stage there, you fat, fucking loser cunt. Yeah, my wedding, you dirty whore. But it's not some crazy place that's hard to find or get to. Of course that. Yeah, it walked in. It's not saying Quentin. Anyways.

So we do the show at Tipitina. All the college friends come out, the high school friends. Luckily, and I hate to besmirch the fine folks, but the Normans were out of town, which they never are. So I got to just do a show and live it up. My friends, like I got a, I got a spare condo. I'll put you in the condo. So I get to stay in his condo. Great time.

Flew down there. Zing, Zang, Zoo, show is great. Still get that pre-eat. that hometown jitter. Still get it. But now we might be drunk. I don't want to say the name, but we're sponsored by one of these pre-drinks.

You know, you take an elixir before you drink alcohol, and it's supposed to kill the hangover. The enzymes, the probiotics, the antibiotics, the prebiotics, the prebiotics. There's so many biotics. It's very big now. This drink will help you be a thing. Yes, yes. By the way, I've tried everyone that none of them work.

Yeah, I think just water and not drinking are the keys. That's the key. And then ironically, if you are hungover, another drink helps. But nobody wants to tell you that. Hair of the dog. Thank you. That bit you. So I go out, and of course you're with the buddies, you shotgunning beers before the show.

Then after the show, it's New Orleans tradition. You can't just go home. It's a fucking Wednesday. Whatever goes, I guess we'll go to the bar. We'll have one. 4 a.m. later. Now the problem is two. You are the event.

event. I know. You're the special occasion. I hate the occasion. Norman's in town. Right. Larry's in the car. It gives you some reason to go out. Yes. All these guys have kids now. They all have day jobs, but here we are. I watch my buddy, you know, they kick us out at 4 a.m. He's doing this shit. Bump it into his car. And like, see you later, Mike. He's like, all right, take it easy. You know, telephone pole, whatever. So that's just how it goes. goes that. He made it home, I guess. I text him the next day. Um, so I went too hard. Shot, shot shots. As you, as the song goes, wake up. Oh, I gotta get to Tampa. Shit. You're doing good to Niro, accidentally. I paint houses. Okay. That's the movie you

went with? What else? What? What? Telling to me. Turn around, turn to the corner. You're talking to me? You talking to me? Okay. I tried to go a little, obscure. I see. What's that one? Take that corner down there. No, no, no, no. Yeah. There you go. Trix are on. The house. I told you to get your shine box. That's the wrong guy. All right. So, wake up, got a flight to Tampa. Now, the wife and the baby are meeting me in Tampa. We're going to do a whole Florida weekend with the baby. Can't wait. But I want to get there before them. Get the rental car. Check in. Be the man. Take a shower. The whole thing. So the only flight out of New Orleans to Tampa direct is an airline I've never heard of. Sass? S-A-S-S. I keep seeing that airline. What is that? San Antonio Spurs. Have you seen that airline? I don't know Sassie. It says S-A-S. I have no idea what that is. S-A-S. Look up S-A-S-A-S airline.

San Antonio Spurs. Yeah, that's all I can come up with. Sarah A-N-L surprise. Oh, that's a birthday. I don't mind that. Scandinavian Airlines Oh What's the second S? I guess the lines

Scandinavian Airlines, okay So what's the airline? Breeze. Oh, I know Breeze. You know Breeze? You know Breeze? Air. Yeah, they fly to Key West.

Oh, Drew Breeze. Yeah. So... He's good. New Orleans. Exactly. So I go, oh, this Breeze flight makes me not never heard of

Breeze. It's an affiliate of JetBlue. Fah Breeze. Yes, I could use some of that. So, by the way, I wake up and I go, what the hell happened the elixir. I got one eye open. I'm doing Robert De Niro over here. And this elixir stinks.

Well, it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. So I took, I had a row of them and I just took them all out of fight. I just drank them all right then. Nothing happened. Had a miscarriage. Whatever. So then I get to the airport. My head's throbbing. I'm shitting water. My dick hurts, the whole thing. And you're like, God damn it, I hate drinking. What am I doing with New Orleans? I got to get to the city. I got to get to Tampa. get the shit together, get a rental car. You want the rental car wreck? Yeah.

The good one, forget Hertz. Hertz can suck my dad's ass. Sixth. Oh, I know sixth. Sixth is big. Sixth is good. They're climbing the charts. Because I remember doing sixth years ago in L.A.

being like, what the hell is this thing? I never heard of this? Why is there a T on sixth? Yes, Sixth Avenue. It's good. But quick signing about Hertz. They drove me to. You drop the car, they drive you to the terminal.

And my guy was a big, like, Hindu guy with the diaper and the big long beard. Marty's... See what that smell is? Marty goes... He goes, I'll drive me to the terminal. I'll drive you to the... I'll drive you to the gate. And I go, great, so I move over.

Marty goes, who's this guy? Who's this guy? That's your son, all right? That's lunch. That's good stuff. But it was so much better that the guy was like, hello, I figured that he had a beer down to it. What's this guy? What's this guy?

Kids say the funniest shit. Did I ever tell you what my nephew, we were walking around Brooklyn, and we saw a blue-haired lady, and he goes, is that a clown? And I was like, oh, my God, that's the best thing I've ever heard. She's not a clown. That reminded me of another point that Matt Wayne made, but I got to come back to that. Well, this is quick side note. My son is in this moment now at two and a half, they're almost three, where 100% of the things he says are either hilarious or adorable.

There's no in between. Sometimes both. Yeah, exactly. Like every single word, you're like, what? That's amazing. It's really delightful. But have you ever heard this point? You're a big Simpsons.

You're a Simpsons dork. Sure. I never thought of this my whole life, and I'm sure people have talked about this. Their hair makes no sense. Yeah, of course. I thought of that. Marge has hair, and Homer has a thing,

but then Lisa and Maggie and Bart, their head is just their hair. Yes, yes. Why does some have hair and some don't have hair? I think it's, I have a theory on this, and I've thought about this. Bart is a blonde guy,

a blonde kid with yellow skin. So his hair just goes, he's got like a, what do you call that, like a 50s butt cut, not butt cut, a crook cut. Yeah.

And Lisa has spiky hair, I guess. I guess, but I've seen a, picture of Bart and he looks like a little 50s kid. Because Billhouse also has hair. He has blue hair. Yeah. I think in an episode

of The Simpsons, they had them in real life. Yeah. I think that something happened where like Homer put on glasses and he saw the family in real life. And it's basically what Mark is brown hair. Blue hair is brown hair in their world. I see. So that's a Marge is a brunette. There is brown hair

in their world though. Ah, shit. Yeah. It doesn't really make sense. It's funky. It's weird. And also yellow is white. Because they have Carl, who's black. Right. So yellow, I think he's just a white guy. Not Asian, ironically. All right.

Anyway, so you go to six. Six is the best. Six is the shit. I did a boop-y-boop, boop, boop. You show up, you scan a barcode. The guy handed me a key. I love it. Going six all day and every time I go.

Get the car. I'm turning it into less de Niro. I'm getting more peshy. What the fuck? Wait, wait, wait, what is my car? I get the car. I go to the hotel, check in, get the room already. go, we need a crib in this crib.

So then I shower up. I try to get some hangover jizz off me. I go to the bar, Bloody Mary, go to the airport again, pick them right up. Nice. Now, BT, the runner, the guy, the owner. The best. The best, the biz. He hooked me up with a hotel that's eight minutes from the airport and like 20 minutes

from the beach and 15 from the club. He knows the spots. Sure. He's like, they're great with kids. They've got a pool there. It's great. So Bing, Pang, How great hotel, the Grand Hyatt in Tampa Bay.

Ooh, that sounds nice. Now, this is when it gets fishy. So, you know, the kid, we should pick up the kid. He's loving Florida. He's running all over the hotel. He's so cute. They add so much world to the world. You know, he's, like, in the hotel room, like,

ah, jumping on the bed, jumps off the bed, looks out the window, he goes, pool, pool, you know. It's very joyful. It's very joyful. So the kid's trashed the place. He loves opening doors, opening drawers, looking in shit, you know, flipping stuff open. There'll be a box with coffee in it.

He just like throws all the coffee out. You know, then he picks up the coffee, puts it back in for fun. Whatever. So we go to the beach. We go to this. We go see dolphins, Jerry. We got on a boat and saw dolphins. That's fun.

He didn't care, but it was adorable because all he fell are on the edge of the boat and they're going, oh! Like when they jump, the whole crowd goes, oh! Oh! All the phones are out. And then like... It's like a roast. Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like Jerry Springer, you don't know me. So then I'm holding. I'm trying to get them up above everybody. Like, look, look, look. Oh! And I'm like, did you see it? Did you see it? Five minutes go by.

We're all on the way back. And he goes, oh. Oh, that's adorable. It's like what you said. He doesn't get it, but he's trying to be involved. It's adorable. That's sweet. So we get back to the hotel.

I got a gig. Now, this is the hard part about having a kid on the wife on the road. I work at night. You're telling me. You're doing double duty. You're waking up with the baby, playing with the baby, taking the baby to the dolphin, buying all the meals, going out, you guys good, you're driving everywhere, you're driving back, then I'm like, I got to go at 6 o'clock, the show's at 7, I got to get over there, and she's like, all right, she goes to bed at 8, she's Prego, she goes to bed at 8, he goes to bed at 7, I'm on stage, I'm doing merch, I'm doing photos, I'm doing riffing, I'm trying new shit, I'm fucking around, I'm bombing, I'm getting heckled, you get back at 1am, have a couple of high noons, get back, 1 a.m., you fall asleep at two, baby's up at six. And this is three days of that. So

it got pretty hairy, but by Saturday, I go, all right, I got to go. We have three shows Saturday. You know they do a six o'clock. Sure. So we have three shows Saturday. So I'm like, I got to leave at five-ish. Where's my watch? Got the new hot watch. Can't find the watch. Huh? Oh, boy. Let me flip the room upside down. Ben, behind the counter, behind the dresser. Flip the chair over. Maybe it's in the shower. Maybe the kid put in the shoe. Maybe the little.

like Bruce Willis. Yes, the watch. So it's a chopper, baby. So I'm like, what the fuck? Where the hell's this watch? And then I go, you know what? When we went out, I asked to have the room cleaned. I got a fresh new silver watch, Omega, couple K, right on the dresser.

They can't steal a $10,000 watch. They'll go to fucking prison, these people. Well, you think, okay, now a couple hours have gone by. I go down to the desk and I go, I don't want to be that guy, and I'm never this guy, but I had a watch, not seeing the watch. And I got the wife in my ear kind of going like, that's an expensive watch. Holy shit. I'm like, what are you doing?

So I go to the poor girl who's new, the blonde girl at the desk with the pantsuit, and she's like, let me get a manager. And I'm like, hey, just saying, it was an expensive watch. I can't find the watch. He's like, okay, Charlie, Charlie! So this guy comes up, cool guy, Charlie, with the jacket on. And he goes, huh? file a lost and found report and I go

well it's not lost I think it's stolen and he's like okay well yeah and then I go back to the club I tell the opener for Shaw great guy you know Forrest? Yeah but why can't I place them? Lung

chunky guy blonde hair Gravely voice very funny yeah I think I know him he's going to be hurt when he hears this I can't remember where I know him because it's chunky or because I'm not knowing him yeah I guess both that's a real bang bang double double hit thick guy sturdy sturdy you know that fat guy I'm like I totally forgot him this is the most painful thing I've ever heard all right well great guy so he goes oh yeah the

why that's no good you know my buddy's a lawyer let me text him he says you're gonna act fast you got to really file a report and uh get over there and I was like ah geez so now he's in my head so I go he goes you better call that that hotel so I call him and I go let me talk to Charlie Because everybody's pumping you up. Right. So I got him saying something. I got the lawyer saying something. The wife's up in my ear.

So I'm like, you need me. I'd pump you down. I need a pump down. I'm like, this is an illegal immigrant. They're not just going to steal a $10,000 watch. They'll get fucking punted out of the country. That's what I said. You're misplaced.

But there's a safe in the room. Why is there a safe in the room? Well, people do steal, of course. Uh-huh. Why aren't you using it as a better question? I can't figure out the buttons. You got a five-figure watch over there. It's too confusing with the pound and the button and the star.

Can't do it. But that's a big gamble if you're going to start stealing $10,000 watches. Sure. But hey, you got to start somewhere. I suppose so. So I go, hey, Charlie, you better. I don't feel like you're giving me a bit. I went full Karen.

I went like the Louis bit about the laundry, the white privilege bit. And he was like, because it's a grand high. So they got a, they got a. what's the word be good service a peas it's a 10 grand Hyatt yeah

peas and carrots so remember who you're dealing with yeah so he goes I'll keep track of it sir I'm on it

don't you worry Mr. Norman I'm on it so yeah bye bye so I go all right

I feel a little better I go home get home at two of the morning they're passed out You tiptoe in, you crack the door up, but the baby wakes up. You go, ah, geez, get out of here. Whatever.

So then the next day goes by, and I go, still nothing with that watch, huh? I look through the room again, nothing. So I was like, fuck. So I go down there, and I go, just saying, I still haven't found the watch. They're like, all right, sir, we know. Bip-boo. And I go, God damn it. So I kind of get him a little more lip music or chin music.

I like lip music. Okay. Yeah. The kazoo. So I go, all right, shit. Go back to the show, do more shows, whatever. Wife text me. Found the watch.

Now it's almost... Did they put it back? Oh. Maybe he said, hey, Esmeralda. We got a watchman, and she went, damn it, she shits it out of her asshole. Sticks it under the pillow. Well, you know what the problem is? I've never owned anything nice.

Right. So when it's gone, I'm like, thief. Uh-huh. So the kid The kid put it Guess where he was He was or the watch was? Guess where the kid put the watch?

Up his ass I wish I would have found that He shits like a mule this kid Under the pillow In the pillowcase In the drawer next to the Bible No I checked all the drawer

Droars are easy Toilet No Cabinet No Showerhead No Sink

No Rug No Now I give up All right he's got the crib. It was under the little shitty flap mattress. So the kid stashed it on him in his onesie,

went to bed, took it out, put it under the mat. Like, you have to flip it up, put it under there. Flip it up, smack it, rub it down. I don't know how the wife found it. So she found a watch. So I felt so bad, I personally went down to Charlie, and I apologize. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, I really gave him the bed. I went full, like, asshole celebrity cunt rich guy on him well he probably fired a homeless lady with six kids and said hey you stole a watch you piece of shit that's true well she had it coming

but yeah sorry there Pacco and seorita well it happens but yeah you gotta start putting that in a safe space because like we talked about watches appreciate right so that thing could be worth 70 million one day

yeah I guess so good point well I got that thing back. Oh, boy. Oh, shit. I don't know where it is. But I'll find it. I'll find it. Chuck, you're fired.

So, then I had this and I'll give it back. You're fired. Yeah. Now, my 20 years of doing comedy, 19 years, whatever, never had this one. You always hear these tales of this happening at a show. First time. Doing my set. Going good.

Saturday late show. Cooking. New material. Hubbub in the crowd. Oh, hold on, hold on, cut it, cut it. Like, what, what's this? Huh? Stop it, cut.

What the hell's going on over there? You think, all right, all right, shut up, pipe down, Dickliss. I'm trying to do a bit here. And then the guy goes, no, no, this is serious. And I'm like, what? And you see a bunch of tables, like, stand up and part. And I go, oh, what's going on? They go, a guy goes, seizure.

Oh, wow. And I see a guy's leg, like, uh-uh, from the floor. Yeah, flopping up. and I was like, oh, geez. So then you're like, do I make this funny? Do I joke? Do I not joke? Do I keep it going?

Now the whole crowd's like this. You know, there's always one lady who goes, oh, dear, whatever the fuck. Especially in Florida. They got the big hat. Right, right, right. A lot of a lot of, what's that Panama Jack or who's that guy? What's that brand there? Bahamah Jack?

Ah, shit. Baltimore Chop. No, no. It's a Havana, banana. Detroit Rucks. City. Yeah, well, they got some kind of Seattle Slooth. You know what I'm talking about. The Florida brand. L.A. Woman. It's all the Hawaiian shirts and dads wear

Bahama Breeze. Oh, Bahama. Breeze Airlines. No, no, no. Bahama. Panama Jack is something. Is that it? Maybe that's it. That's a thing. That's not the Hawaiian, though. I think that's a hat. That's a Hawaiian burger joint. It is a tasty burger. Big Cojuna. So, you know what I'm talking about. Panama. Panama. Slush puppy? It's a town, Hawaiian Johnny. It's a

It's a place and a name. Hawaiian Punch? Chuck Johnson. I can't remember. He's got it. It's irrelevant. Tommy Bahama. Had it backwards.

I'm dyslexic. It's a name that a place. Tommy Bahama. So it's Tommy Bahamas, you know, with big leaves out there. And the guy gets kind of carted out. BT's going, this is bad. This is bad. Hang on.

Hang on. He's 618 or whatever he is. He's a foot. He's a tall band. He's very tall. So he's like. hang on, this is real. And I was like, ah, shit, all right.

Because he didn't want to get sued. So he's like, how do I play this? And so they wheel the guy out. He's like, you know, like a football player who got knocked out. They pull him off the field. And I got to go back in. And one guy goes, you killed. Eh, you got to say that.

And everybody goes, boo, fuck you, whatever. And then this other guy goes, I kind of was like, I was a little flustered. I was like, ah, how do you get back? And I'm a minute. One guy goes, fuck him. do the show. I was like, okay, great. That's America, baby.

That's Florida for you. And I do some jokes and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, you know what? That joke I was doing was new and it sucked. And that guy kind of saved me. And one guy goes, do the joke. And I go, I don't want to hurt anybody else, whatever. We're having fun.

But yeah, first seizure. So then the guy's out there and BT's like, you got to go home. He stayed? He stayed. He goes, I'm fine. That's never happened to me. And BT's like, that's never happened to you? Yes.

That's weird. All the time. That would be like, all right, go back. in. This is your regular night. Never happened is trouble. I hope the guy's okay, but BT sent him home because he's like, I can't have you go back in there. You're like a liability now. Yeah. We're doing some work on the house. By the way, two of his friends stayed, which I find flattering. That's nice. Yeah, they stayed. He seizures his way out of town, and yeah, we went on with the show. We had a great night. Little seizures. I don't know. I'm

tired. Yeah. Seizure and desist. up there. It sounds like a dentist. Oh, yeah. What do they do it? I don't know. Oh, you know what? Boring, but see the floors here, these are nice floors. The ones in the kitchen have these, they're too spaced out. So all the food gunk gets in there.

That's trouble. I think he's cutting little strips to put in the crack. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. All right. Well, let me get back into the ballgame. No, no, sorry. That was a fucking a million laps.

So finally I make it up to Yuba City Which is kind of a shithole Play. It's one of these places Like how did you guys get a ball club up here? It sounds like a joke like you don't play better You're going to be up in Yuba City Exactly And it's a small ballpark

And they're also like, by the way Don't expect a crowd We don't really draw very well How many people can live in Yuba? Well I drew all the people It was all Tuesdays came out Oh okay I said hey I'll be on the ball club

So I'm playing for the Yuba City Freebirds Uber, Jerry. So it was wonderful. We arrived. The manager, the skipper Tony. Couldn't have been kinder. We took batting practice.

That was fun. I'm smacking the ball all of, which is exciting because, you know, I show up, I'm a gangly homo. Sure. They go, who's this guy? This is the problem. It's a starter league.

It's a young league. This is a people's first professional baseball. So they're all 21, 22 years old. You got old geyser here. They don't know who the hell I am. No. I'm not big enough. to appeal to 21-year-old baseball players.

They want Matt Rife or Marcello. Or Shane Gillis. Right. So I literally, I go in, they're like, I meet a couple guys. I'm like, hey, how's it going? They're like, what's your deal? And they're also, they played 94 games in like four months. They have no days.

They have Monday off, but they're traveling. Not one guy knew you? Uh, I don't think. No, one guy. One guy was like, you know, you were just on the, what's the guy that's on the TV show with the deep voice? You were on this podcast. He's talking about soda. Oh, okay.

blow it up. Yeah, he is. So they kind of knew me, and I went, they introduced me to the team, and I went, hi, everybody, you've never heard of me, but I've been on the Tonight Show, they go, what's that? I've been on Netflix, they're like, no, you haven't. And I go, I know Shane Gillis, they go, there's like a murmur through the crowd.

They're like, oh, Shane, okay. Then I have literally seven people come up and like, do you really know Shane Gillis? Is that a joke? Wow. Yeah, no, I know. You've got to go a photo. Look at these. I got the number here.

I texted them. I was like, hey, buddy, between you and me and the lamp post, I'm with a bunch of 20-year-old hot boys that don't believe me. Can you send a video? And he goes, you got it. What's the team name? What's the team name? I'm about to go on stage. I go, they're the freebirds. You're saving my ass. Thank you very much. They're going to go nuts for this. You know basically like Elvis. Exactly. You got a video from Elvis. So then I start walking around. I go, hey, there's a video from Shane coming. They're on a 10-game skid. They lost 10 games in a row. Oh, geez. Just call me a homo and say, you're going to break the street. He said, you got it coming right up. What a guy. So now I'm going around during batting practice. Now they're going, he's got a video from Shane Gillis, and I'm smacking the ball all over the outfield.

I'm spraying him everywhere. Hell yeah. Well, Shane's got to watch out because they're going to post that. So all of a sudden, they're like, this guy's hitting the ball all over the park. He's getting us a video from Shane. Then I go out in the outfield. I shag a couple fly balls. They're like, this guy's no joke.

Oh, you're like Sandlot, but the other way, because they didn't accept him. Right. You're smalls. So you're bigs. I'm bigs, baby. be Biggie Smalls. Whoa! That's a clever name.

That's good. Then I had this moment, by the way, when they go, hey, you're a comedian. Well, we got a couple jokes out here. Now, these are young ball players. Sure. I got to tell you, the age of political correctness and wokeness, that's out.

That got ejected. Well, especially with the youngers. Yeah. So these two kids come up to me, and I won't even kind of even allude to these jokes because these guys could lose their license. Locker room talk. We got a couple jokes for you.

You got a kid. the cameras, though. Oh, hell yeah. I love that sentence. And these jokes were too hot for this show, I'll tell you that. No, whoa, whoa, mama. Yeah, I mean, I was like, wow, they're like, you got a knee, and I'm like, I'm not falling for this. Check the

Patreon on it, because we've got to play these. Oh, it's a hot number. Good for them. These are young, red-blooded men. With cameras around. Well, that's no good. Wow. So, anyways, that was fun. So Shane's like, I'm walking on stage. I'll hit you with the video.

So I'm going, now we go to the locker room. Big speech beforehand. This is Joe and I go, yeah, folks, I bombed so hard. I've been there. I'm like, I'm excited. And Shane's sending that video. They go, whoa, the video from Shale. It's like pulling out a birthday when you're bombing in a show.

Like, any birthday's ears? How about the troops? So now every 30 seconds, I'm pulling my phone out of my video. No, no, no, no video. What are you doing, Gil? Let's go. I know you're shooting tires, doing arenas, the link, and, you know, hanging out with Kanye,

but we've got to make a video for a minor league team here. The night after he did 72,000 people at the stadium. So I'm like, nothing. They go, hey, have you got that video yet? The skipper comes by. Hey, we want to play that video before the opening pitch. So just shoot it on over as soon as you get the video. So I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's coming.

Don't worry. And now people start coming over. Are you just fucking with us? You don't know. Where would you have met Shane Gillis? Gilles. Glock's dick and Gil. Then I get this one.

People come up and go, so do you still do? stand-up, you still do shows? And I'm like, I'm a comedian. Currently. I'm a professional comedian. So I'm like, yeah, I'm in Tacoma all weekend. They're like, Tacoma, what's that? Hey, hey, it's better than Yuba. So I'm like, and you want to be like,

I'm so much more successful at comedy than you'll ever be at baseball. But you can't say that because you're a teammate. So you got to be, yes, I do comedy, I'm very, uh, very, I go, Nate Bargatsy, they go, you don't know Nate Bargatsy. Oh, man. So I text Nate. I'm like, hey, can I get a video?

And he doesn't write back. So I'm like, I'm calling Sal Volcano. I'm like, can you hit me with a, can you do a prank for me? Should have hit up soda. He would have sent you a fucking movie. That's a good point. But I just think a soda is such a bag of shit compared to Nate. Well, all right.

Well, they're going to an arena, to be fair. Yeah, he's, you know. He's on the come up. Yeah. They're up. So anyways. It's coming. Never get a video.

It's like the seventh inning. They're like, hey, didn't you say shame? Because we could use a little pep in our step over here. Oh, you struck out. So he texts the next day, Shane. He goes, hey, sorry, I went on stage, totally forgot. And I go, no problem. Oh, it's West Coast time.

And I go, hey, if you still feel like it, I'm gone now. But if you still make a video, they ended up winning last night. We'll both be heroes. He goes, oh, kick ass. No video. He fucked me. He's going to hear this, you big son of a bee. He blew it.

Well, I did the thing where I said, no sweat, obviously, no big deal. Don't worry about it. I should have been like, you got to get me this video. buddy, because I look like a bag of tits. He's hanging out with 3-6 Mafia. He didn't have time for a little drinking dink video for the free birds. Well, he's like, I'm throwing out the open pitch

at the Phillies. Fuck the Yuba Free Birds. Damn, but that would have been legendary. Did the Birds Stadium, the Eagles? Sure, go birds. Free birds. So anyway, so now the game's starting. I'm on the team.

I'm getting in that bat, which is nerve-wracking because I'm going to be out there, Jerry. These are fast. Balls coming down the line. Well, these are professional baseball players. So I got the uniform on. I'm number 19. By the way, I forgot my cleat.

I didn't forget. I couldn't pack my cleats because I was leaving for a week. So I'm wearing a fucking baseball, oh, what do you call it? Running sneakers, like an asshole. Oh, no. And everyone's like, when are you changing your shoes? You're going to go out there. And I'm like, I don't have the shoes.

What do you got hookahs on? Hoka's? New Ballin or A6. And I was running late. So I didn't have time to pick up cleats. I didn't pack my cleats. I look like a fucking deadbeat homo. So the guy goes,

They've lost 10 games in a row this team. Good group of guys. Yikes. So they go, all right, it's got to be early in the game. We're going to get you out there so you can just relax, which I appreciate. That's good. Springsteen does this. When he has a special guest, he's like, we'll play the first few songs.

That way you're not sitting right. You can enjoy the show, which I appreciate it. Interesting. Because usually you have a special guest. You bring them out there in the encore. Ah. So now, if you're fucking Paul McCartney playing at the Springsteen show, you can sit around for three and a half hours. Right.

So Springsteen's like, we'll do the second song, you come out. How nice is that? That's very thoughtful. That way you can go get drunk and watch the show. That's a pro. So anyways, he goes, well, the first inning, if the first two batters get out, you'll hit third. Got it. And he goes, same with the second inning.

And if not, you'll lead off the third. So now every inning, I'm like, are they going to get out? We end up scoring seven runs in the first inning. It's a route. So I'm like, okay, I can relax for a while. Yeah. Then the second inning, we get a bunch of guys on base again. So now I'm like, okay.

So now he's like, all right, well, you're leading off the third. Is that scary? It's scary. I'm pacing around because I'm, this is, they're throwing 90 miles an hour here. Of course. And there's a small part of you that's like, are they going to throw at me? Because if I was a, I'm a baseball purist old guy. If I'm like, you're going to send a comedian out here.

I'll just peg them. Yeah, right in the side. The nice thing is, though, these guys are trying to make it. So they're all like, don't worry. They want to pad their stats. They're going to try to blow you away in three pitches. Got it, got it. They don't want to have a hits batsman.

Is it weird for them? them like, hey, we're trying to make it here as pro-ballers, and we got some clown in the ring. A little bit, but also, you got to remember, they're playing 94 games in four months. They're playing every day. So any kind of breaking uping of the boredom. Sure, the repetish. Well, baseball is similar to comedy in the way that so much of it is killing time. Ah, right.

There's just a lot of day in and day out on the road, same guy. They all know, like, card tricks. They're doing like. I went out to the bullpen. They're like, if you could have any liquid come out of your fingertips, the rest of your life. What would you do? That kind of stuff.

Well, who would you rather? Oh, geez, we got to wrap up. So, anyway, I did toothpaste. That's mine. Oh, that's good. You never have to buy it. You never have to buy it. And how often do you forget toothpaste?

All the time. Oh, shit. And you get that stupid ketchup pack in a toothpaste. Yeah, and you can hit up your friends. I got you. Yeah. And your son. So there's a lot of stuff like that.

A lot of boredom, a lot of killing time. Anyway, so now I'm leading off. It's like, okay, great. Now, I'm like, people want to give you advice. Oh, you're going to do this. See the ball, hit the ball, blah, blah, blah. And I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to get three fast balls, hopefully. Because any kind of curveball, I have no chance.

No, you're right. If you're trying to hit a curve ball or knuckle. The old saying is nothing's kept more people out of the big leagues than the curve ball. Knuckle ball is actually easier than a curve ball. Still hard. Still very hard. So I go, all right, here we go. and right before I go out there

I couldn't sleep for days huge regrets I go I'm just figuring out the first pitch because he's got to be the best pitch I see the whole time first pitch fastball I'm going to try to jump it you know and your son's out there right my son's out there he threw out the opening pitch it was amazing they announced them the crowd went crazy

you could see his first taste of a crowd what did you leave that out? They go wow we ran out of time oh my god I mean could he make it what did he stand four feet from the guy he's about four feet for me he threw it to me so they go here's comedian Joe List and his son, Marty List,

throwing out the first pitch. Do we have any of this? Oh, yeah. Old video. Oh, yeah. So he's walking around going, I'm throwing out the first pitch. I got to throw out the first pitch.

It was very excited. The crowd goes nuts. There's a lot of Tuesdays out there. Yeah. Throws at the first pitch, throws a perfect strike. The crowd goes nuts. Like, wow.

Chanting Marty, and he's like this. It was the thrill of a lifetime. You got the uniform on. You got to see it. Unbelievable. Did it fit? Yeah, yeah. It gets uniform.

Oh, man. This is too much. It was unbelievable. So now I'm going up there. Before I go up, one of the coaches goes, you should take a pitch. Take a pitch. See what it looks like. Get a feel for it.

God, this is nerve-wracking. And I'm like, take a pitch. Maybe I'll take one. And the last question, what are we talking? 50% full, 80, 100, 5, 10%. I would say the venue holds 3,000 people and it's about an eighth full. Okay. I don't know what that means.

There's about 400 people there. Not even. Maybe 180 people there. Scattered. Also, I got to shoot the T-shirt cannon. Jesus. Pumped it up too much. All three left the stadium.

Not a person going to shirt. I'm not joking. 100% of them went up in the park a lot. That's your home run right there. I was just hitting windshields. Boom. Wow. Damn.

So now I'm on the on deck circle. Marty's in the front row. Here we go. Oh, my God. My wife is there. My son is there. And my friend, Mike Shapiro, the president, this pimple, he goes, take a pitch.

You should see one. Take one. And that way you can see. you get a feel for it. All right. So now I'm going, all right, that's two people in a row

told me to take one, the president and the coach. All right, I guess I'll take a pitch. So I go up there. Meaning just eat one. Let it fly by. Let it fly by.

Get a feel for it. And then the catcher does this move. This means, that's easy. This guy's a schmuck. Just throwing right by it. You know, so I go,

okay, so I step in there, give the pitcher a little thing. It's a left-handed junkball or curveball guy. Oh. So here comes the first pitch. I'll take one.

Right down the middle. About 83 miles an hour. Okay. Well, that's... Strike. You couldn't use that one. So right away, I'm like, well, now I'm down 0-1. Yeah.

Two left. Now they've got two strikes left. Yeah. And right away, I'm like, I have three chances to hit a professional baseball player. And I just cut them down by a third. And you let one go for free. Because two assholes told me to. And it's the classic thing of like, why am I...

letting my brain change for someone else. Yeah, well, they are professional. They live in this sport. You watch the sport. They live in it. They live in it. But you take a pitch if you're going to see many pitches. Yeah.

You take one to see the guy. You're going to have three at bats. Right. I have one chance. You're right. Did you hit the cages before? Oh, yeah. We did all kinds of BP.

Okay. So now here comes the second bitch. All right. I'm like, all right. He's not going to throw anything funny. He's just going to try to throw me right out. And he knows my son's there. He knows I'm an old man.

Okay. Here comes the second pitch. Swing and a miss. Okay. 84 miles an hour. Wow. I go, okay. Time out.

Time. You call time. Yeah. Okay. I call time. Look around. I got take it in. I look at my son.

I look at my wife. I got one chance left. This is it, Faddy. Here we go. Now, maybe he's going to throw some junk now. What if he throws a curveball? What if he throws one at me? He wants the stats.

So I dig in with my sneakers. Oh, good. Big breath. Now, this is my first live batting at bat in 31 years. Is there anybody in the stands going, we got a tomato can, real pussy, ugly guy. No, you're all going Tuesday, big party proud. Your father hates you.

Here we go. My father's gay. So I'm down, 02. Here it comes. He winds. He kicks. He delivers. Strike.

Three, you're out. And all I can think is, if I had one more shot, I might be able to ground one out. I'm sorry. Get a piece of one. Go opposite field. Maybe lay down a box. I just took a pitch like an asshole.

Yeah. So now, but now, silver anal, you can always dream if you had that one last shot because you didn't fail. You gave one away. So you can always think, if I had one more, there's hope there. There's some gray area. It's one of those things where I probably would have swung a miss, but I would have had one more shot. Of course, of course. He runs.

I asked for the ball. The guy gave me the ball. The manager signed it. First strikeout. It was fun. It was cool. And then now you're like, okay, I can relax. And then now I got to coach first base, which was fun.

I'm having fun. I'm going, oh, find a hole now, kid, you got ducks on the bond? Then I go, wouldn't it be fun if I got ejected? Yeah. That's the other dream. So after the sixth inning, I go, I'm going to go get run. So the manager is a fan of mine, but I'm not the manager of the umpire. Oh, here we go.

He's a fan of a guy. Yeah, great guy. So I go down there and I go. Now, they use, and we'll wrap this up in a second, they use, it's all automated, the balls and strikes. It's just, you know, the laser beam camera and it just goes red or green on the thing. So the Empire's not even calling balls and strikes. Oh, hey, I go down there and I go, hey, listen, hey, Blue, you've been making every call perfectly. Every strike you've called a strike, every ball you call a ball, you're nothing but class.

We want to see some bad calls out here. And he goes, well, you want to see bad calls. I go, you're damn right, we want to see some bad calls. They want to see them. They want to be a little too far, buddy. I go, yeah, you can never go too far. Oh, I'll go too far. You want to see it too far.

He goes, you've been warned. I go, I'll warn your mother. Whoa. You're out of here. You got to be. So a courtroom's out of order. I got the video. I'll send it to you.

I took the helmet. I threw the helmet. I grabbed a bucket of balls and hooked them all in the field. And I go, yeah, you got to be in that piece of shit. And he made my son's looking at me going, what the hell is wrong with death? And I started kicking dirt on him. It was a blast.

Wow, that's what you're there for. That's what they want. You're a comedian. I was whooping the whole crowd up standing here. Wow. You're a Savannah banana. And then I went and picked up all the balls. I was like, sorry about that.

I'm sorry. I picked up all the balls. And I just stayed in the dugout, which was fun. Did you channel a little Leslie Nielsen in there? I went crazy. I was doing the dance and the business, but it was awesome. Dream come true. I'll try again next year.

We're over time. I mean, that last thing I'll say, we've got to wrap this up, that feeling. I played a couple games as a youth. That third strike walk away. It's very emasculating. But it's good for you. It teaches you about reality and life. Wow.

I mean, it's a million to one shot again. If you get a base hit of this guy, he has to kill himself. So that was good. Yes. Well, you've got to think, it's for the pitcher, it's like fist fighting a woman. Yeah. I can't lose, but I also don't want to be mean. Right.

You know, if you lose, it's a lose, lose, it's a lose, if you lose, hey, this fucking nobody, non-athlete knocked it out of the part. I got to make some changes. Or if you win, what are you an assolian? You're not going to help the guy out? Right. Well, I saw the pitcher after the game. I said, hey, thanks, man.

That was great. It was such a thrill. And he goes, I tried to lay one in there for you. You took it. And I go, I know, I know. They told me to take it. I mean, he gave me on right down the middle of fucking meatball. And I just watched it go by like a fucking jackass.

So I got bad advice. Bad advice. But I got to thank Mike and Harry and Jackson, all great guys. And I will be in Portland, Oregon. a couple weeks in August. And then St. Louis, Funnybone. I keep forgetting to plug that one. There's no tickets.

St. Louis, one of my favorite towns. That's a lie. But I love that club. Good club. I do love the club. Patty and all those guys. Watch out for Patty. She's a firecracker.

She sure is. So come see me on the road and sign off my email at punchup.com. We'll never spam you. We just say, hey, I'm coming to the town. That way you never miss a show. Here, here. What does this come out? Who knows?

October. August 3rd. Ah, okay. Come on out. to Zanis, Nashville. We're selling some tickets over there. Houston, we need you. Houston is not moving.

Houston, we have a problem. Yes, I'm a little concerned. And then, you know, I'm all over the road after that, doing all kinds of crazy towns that I can't remember. Oh, boy. Hold on. Sorry, Choo Choo Choo Train. Why don't you go while you're doing that?

Oh, wait, I got it. Pittsburgh Improv, Calgary, and Minneapolis, Denver, Madison, and Portland, Oregon. as well, and I'm getting the hair plugs in late August. Fun. Come see those. I'll be shaved head, I'll be weirdo. Shaved head, really? You got a trim pretty close.

Wow, that's going to be interesting. I know, I'm going to look real bad. Oh, Jim James, solo acoustic at Town Hall. Sorry, look at my emails. I don't know who that is. For my morning jacket. Ah, not for me. What do you got there?

They're great. Check on my podcast, Funbearable. And more importantly, we're working on a very fun film project. and it's with the Impractical Joker's crew. We're doing a pilot. Mark and Joe, I've seen a couple things from it. It's hilarious. As much as I hate to admit it.

Very funny. I would love to sit here and say, it's a bag of shit. Chuck can blow me, but it's good stuff. It's good. And thanks for not asking us to be in it. Yeah, that's really nice. Yeah, I considered it, but I'm like, I don't know if they can.

Well, there's nothing worse than just calling in a last minute favor. Hey, can you make a video for my thing? You don't want to be that guy. But yeah, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter and Instagram. Just DM me if you want to get involved. And this is for the backing of the post work. The back end. We do not need actors.

We do not need writers and we do not need comedians. Great. But I appreciate everyone who has flooded my inbox. There you go. Hallelujah. It's nice to hear that. Yeah. All right, folks.

Well, we're going to do a bonus right now. So get on that Patreon. Oh, you've got to sign up just for the off-color zingers. Well, they're colorful. Oh, baby, even better. All right, signing off. We'll see you next time. Praise our law.

Keep it up.