Tuesdays with Stories! - #669 Pros and Kahans

Episode Date: August 18, 2026

The boys are talking morning sex! Joe heads to Tom Dustin's wedding in Key West in Salacuse. Mark brings the lady to see Noah Kahan and she gets the old piss-foot. Joe has the best day of his entire life (unrelated). It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Want a free pack of Goodwipes? Buy any two packs, text your receipt, and get reimbursed for one. Head to https://www.goodwipes.com/TUESDAYS - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.quince.com/TUESDAYS  

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me Gates of Hell Duck tails Woo Hey got laid this morning Who got laid? You got laid this morning? Pretty early, huh?

Wow! Yeah, yeah. She's a morning bang. I love a morning bang, but what did you do with the kid? He was downstairs sucking in paint fumes. I don't know.

He was eating chips out of the... He was going through the cleaning supplies and I let him rummage. Well, you got the nanny. That's helpful. I'm looking forward. My son's about to go to school. 3K.

Thank you, Mandami. Free school. Is that right? Oh, I love Mondami. I got Mandami posters everywhere. I took down my swastikas and I put up, what do they have? They got a swastika, too, I think the Indians. He's not Indian, is he?

I believe he's Indian. Oh, how about that? I think he's from Uganda, but I think he's of Indian descent. You learned something every day. That's why I went, ooh-oh. I thought Indians were Buddhists and Hindus and something else. You can be an Indian mus. I guess everywhere's muz.

Yeah, I don't want a white mus. Anyways, well, I love him because we're going to school for free. Maybe that was already in order. I don't know what's what. I didn't really look it up. But once he goes to school, we're going to be fucking during the day again. At least that's my plan. She wants to learn how to sew and do whatever, sleep in.

But I'm going to be fucking her, whether she likes it or not. Yes, yes. Bender right over the counter. I mean, middle of the day, windows open. I miss day sex because now it's like you've got to wait until he goes to bed, and you're exhausted. You're having exhausted sex. Yes, yes.

And you're just doing it because you have to do it. But you really, and that goes for me too. I'm like, I don't really want to fuck. Right. But I want to at 3 p.m. And now it's 10 p.m. I got to get it in. You're forcing it down.

But it's, I don't know. I'm not a morning guy. Because at morning, I'm sluggish. I got a crust in my eye, a jizz of my ass, my dick's on fire. I'm not ready. Well, there's pros and cons, like everything. cons Cannes

Cannes film festival there's sometimes you wake up her breath is bad she's got no makeup the hairs glued to her face her tits are on backwards

yeah right bad pussy breath later at night for me the best time to have sex in the old days is when we'd be going out and should get

showered shave the legs shave the monkey put on the makeup and then fresh makeup fresh soap, fresh everything, you bang. Yes.

Then you go out and then you don't walk around to heart on. I like it. That's big. That's good. Then you've got a clear head. Now you're out in the town, living it up. That's how I feel in the morning sometimes. Sex is out of the way. I've already done it.

That's true. And I, despite being 44 years old, I still wake up with a hat on. That's a sign of health. So sometimes it's nice to just roll over, boom, and she's almost naked already. Right. It's not a lot of clothes to get. off. And she's in the bed. She's naked, almost, and laying down.

Exactly. Half the work's done. So, you know. Yeah, yeah, that's a good, it's a good argument. And then, you know, it's good when you're banging the morning, you do your whole long day of bullshit. And then at night, you both tuck her in and go, I'll see you in hell. Exactly.

You've already gotten it out. Exactly. So, anytime you're getting laid, you're grateful. But I miss afternoon sex. Ah. You get a little bit done, scoobbly boob, shubby-boo. Now Sarah recently said to me We're on a hotel And I'm like, okay, let's fuck

And she's like I think the baby's too old now We can't have sex with him in the room Because if he wakes up It's just gonna be too traumatic And I'm like, wait So now we can't have sex in a hotel For the next

15 years Oh my God What's that? Yeah That's no good He wakes up He wakes up I tell you you had a fucking

Spider on you And I had to crush it I think when he's 10 You leave him at the pool And you pop up I don't know You put a floaty on him Or a propeller

Yeah maybe Maybe when he's 10 or whatever But I'm talking nighttime pool Nighttime sex In the hotel I see I see That's a good point I don't know

I'm like I think you'd still fuck with them But I'm at a point now I'm like I'll fuck with Your kid in front of me I don't care Sure sure Please don't

But remember those old hotels You'd say like those white trash hotels And have an arcade in there Oh yeah That was fun I think that was all to get laid. That was all for the parents. Go, here's a bag of quarters, here's a bag of weed, and a bag of cum. I'm going upstairs and apply your mom. Hit the ski ball. A bag of come,

you know, sometimes you've got to watch some cum eating porn. Sure. What? And sometimes they'll squeeze it out of the condom. What? Yeah, I can't, I can't abide. Let's come gets a condom. Just disgusting. Now I saw a compilation of guys. just shooting it right in their mouths, right on their tongue, right on their face. And then this one lady just goes, with the condom. What is it that's so disgusting about that? Send me this link, because I've got to research this. This is crazy. You know, jizz is like an avocado. Once it hits the air, it's ruined. Oh, you're right. Well, I don't mind. Hey, lick and come up. That's hot. All right. We got a, YouTube is already, we're going to be on

Twitch soon. I've been corrupted because my wife and I started watching porn together. So now I'm in the I'm lost at sea here. You're going right to the hard stuff, aren't you? I mean, have a beer and a smile. What do you do with the... You're going right to the rumplements. Well, it starts with... Complements.

I mean, coming on the face is pretty standard, no? Sure, sure, that's standard, but you're going out of a condom here. And then she looks it up. Well, I told you, it was a compilation, and then one of them, she just went and drained it, like a bag of chips. Oh, that's the worst balloon animal video I've ever seen. It was like Rupert with Doritos. You've got to get every last crumb or cum.

Yes, yes. Every last cum. Every cum. And so, yeah, but there's something, because the air's not as bad. If I come and then she starts, not my wife would never hear this, but she starts peeling it off her tits and like chocolate. Sure, sure. That's okay.

It's the cum hitting the rubber. The rubber hits the road. Yes, yes. Rubber hits the load. Hey, that's good. Rubber hits the load. That makes way more sense. There you go.

Okay, well, we got a, we got a, we're left. Squeamish? Well, it's a lot of gist, though. We haven't even gotten my coffee yet. Oh, I felt my second. Oh, okay. Well, anyways, I'm sorry. I made it too blue.

Well, just want to go back for a second there. I was working with fucking Ryan Hamilton over here. Bob Newhart. But vagina mints. I had an idea for that, and I was going to sell them. You see, this is how you got to the top. Well, I thought about it, and the reason I never went to Shark Tank is because they would fall out. No, but they absorb.

They absorb, Jerry. What pussy do you have? Well, it gets up. Gravity. I mean, gravity's going to kick in. The mouth that sits on the tongue. There's a blanket. There's a floor.

But it absorbs on the tongue. And they can kegle. They go, they can squeeze things in there. They smuggle cocaine and diamonds in their pussy. That's true. That's true. Blood diamond on the period. And when you come deep in there, it doesn't always come out.

Here's what you do. You put the mint at the tip of your dick hole. That's good. That, now we're going like a civil rights hose. And that and your dickhole smells pretty nice. That's not bad. Oh, but I got to think that would sting a hair. Yeah, yeah.

Mint is stingy. Mint is stingy, and that dickhole is very, it's like a pool. It's like a little tiny hot tub where it's just, like, pH balance has got to be right. Right, yeah, you're right. But anyways, I think it would absorb in there. If you put it up in there, you got to really stick it in there. Right. All right, now we're getting crazy.

All right, I'm sorry. We'll clean it up. No, no, I'm just thinking. This is the new you. The pain with the. Anything going in the dick hole? These guys, you ever had the Q-tip in there? No, I never had to do that.

Me neither. But I had a friend in college. He came back like he went to NOM. Like, he was a different guy. He started smoking. He talked less. Well, that's one of those things. Teeth and dick holes.

Any talk of cracking, cavity, it gives me the willy. Oh, you're a root canal quefe. I know. But you could tell me, oh, I had my wife stick a heel in my asshole and peel my nipples off and and chew on them like bubble gum. Fine. But you talk teeth or pee-hole. I just.

Yeah, I'm my, if I would go pee hole ear. Ear. I got ear stuff. I had the tubes as a kid. I had the cute tips. I had the infections. So like, there was a scene in a, what's that, Friday the 13th? Is that Freddy?

No, that's nightmare at Elm Street. Elm Street. The guy, at one point, Freddy puts a cute tip through his head and pulls it out the other side. And the guy's like, ah, you see all the goo coming out? I fucking ran upstairs and cried. Now, have you ever seen the car? Rathakan. It's been a minute. That's the second Star Wars Star Trek. That one, the guy, the guy from Montelbon, is that his name? Ricardo Montalban, who I think is in the naked gun. He is, yes, yes,

he is. He puts the helmets on the guy with the big sluggy ear thing, and the whole thing, he's like, oh, yeah, no thing. My aunt showed me when I was a boy, and I was, you ever had that feel where you're like this, why is this in front of me? A hundred percent. I don't want this. I was afraid of slugs, worms, and women. the next 15 years. Why is this in front of me? It's a good name for a pedophile movie. But yeah, that is, that ear stuff is no bueno.

Yeah, it was gross. Well, I haven't seen you in a bit. I got a lot. Oh, all right, yeah, get into it. Because I got stuff that I didn't get to last time, and then I just got back from Key West for the Tom Dusted Wedding. So I got some stuff myself. Had some great Salachuse hangs.

Oh, do tell. You take a video camera out of his hand. He's no longer worthless. He is filled with worth. That's true. He's a hang more than a video. He got some of the greatest photos I've ever seen. I mean, he's a real talent.

And his greatest talent is hanging out. Yeah. I mean, obviously a very gifted photographer, director, and... Snappy dresser. Homeless beater. Yeah. But, man, he can hang. And he just plopped in with my family.

You take him and just drop him in with my psychotic 12-person family. Oh, yeah. He fits in like a... like a mint and a p-hole. Yes, he's very adaptable. He's malleable. Yeah, yeah. He has good little stories and clever things and fun facts that you think aren't true.

And then you look them up and you're like, man, I guess that's true. That's true. He chimes from a distance. He doesn't hold court. He throws a fun fact in and then backs off. Good chimes. And he's a good guy to set up. You're like, tell him this story.

Yes, yes, big setup guy. Now, the tricky thing with merging all the comedic, comedy people with your family is you introduce people, I, this is Matt, but we all call them Salacuse. We had two mats at the wedding. There was Matt Leaver and Matt Salacuse. So it was like an Abbott and Costello. Right, yoga mat. That's the weird that you should really just introduce people by their last name.

Sure. This is Salacuse. They did that in the military and on sports teams, I believe. They go, ah, we got Johnson and Reginald and Miller. Right. Well, it's funny because sometimes with actors, they'll be telling a story. They refer to Robert De Niro as Bobby. Oh, yeah.

Marty Scorsese. So then you're like, well, what do we do? Can we just be on the Bobby, Marty? Coming down. Wow. That had some treble. The rhythm was the bass and the bass is the treble. Wow.

Big treble and little butthole. That was a whopper. That had some power on it. It was like a boat engine. That's got some meat on the boat. Oh, God. Chinese food. Napalm in the morning.

I had Chinese food for breakfast. You did not. Oh, man. This is day one of my diet. So far today I've had almonds, banana, eggs, and farts. I need to get behind a great wall because that is Hiroshima, which I know is Japan. Yeah, different places. Whatever you're going to do.

It's all the same. Crab ring goo. Well, anyways, went down there for the wedding. And I want to hear what you've been up to. It was beautiful. It was everything you want, except it was Key West in August. It was 175 degrees if it was a foot. Ooh, full humid.

Rupert, I mean, you would have been dead. Dead. Dead. Just melt it out there like an ice cream sandwich. I mean, my mother, my mother, she looked like she was at a Gallagher show. Like it was like, like she was in a dunk tank. She looked like one of your cum videos. Just soaking wet.

Uncle Dale, the Campbell, my mother's side, they're heat pumps. Right. I didn't get that, that sweat side, but even I was like wet. Yeah, you wear a suit? No, no, no, no. It was Jimmy Buffett casual. I wore shorts. Oh, beautiful.

And a shirt. The groomsman had linen pants. Is that what they call? Linen. Lennon. Lattermere. So I had a nice pair of shorts and a button-upy shirt. I bought a big old cowboy hat, which I wore.

That's my new look for the 90s. Post that photo. I got to see you in a little. 10 gallons. It's a big hat. It was a beauty. It was a Seeger is the brand. Bob? No. Corey. So I got a nice $100 cowboy hat. And the thing that sucks about a cowboy hat is, now you've got to get it home. Oh, you're right. You're a hat guy now. In Key West, you're the fun. Hey, look at me. I'm a cowboy. Good point. And it's kind of like Halloween. I used to always talk about this. Sometimes you're on your way home. You forget it's Halloween. Right. And you're

You're slapping your wife and you're dressed as, you know, the cookie monster. You're calling her a cunt. You know what I mean? You see those guys, they're like pouting. Look at their phone and they have like vampire, Widows Peak. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. One time I saw Batman and Joker on the train, and they came in on both sides.

They had to go at it. The whole tray was cheering him on. Come on, Batman. He was like, ah, fuck, I've had six Mad Dogg 2020s and two edibles. And now I've got to fight this black guy dressed as a Joker. A black Joker. the day. Yeah, well, I don't know how I got those scars.

So, anyhow, I had to wear a fucking cowboy hat, which is also Key West to Atlanta, you're like, okay, I'm cowboy hat guy. We're all in our Key West pajamas. Also, down there, nothing matters. It's Key West. You could walk around with your dick out.

Then I get to Atlanta. I'm walking around the Atlanta airport. Everyone's like, out of partner. And black people are like, staring me down. I'm like, this motherfucker. And I'm like, I'm one of the good ones.

I just bought a silly hat. I've seen a black in a cowboy hat every now. Well, there was one black guy that was like, great hat. And I was like, oh, it's a joke. It's a goof hat. You know me, I'm a Yankee. You know, and then he was like, I like the hat. And I was like, I like it too.

I like whatever you like. Basketball. I'm okay. Did you wear it sideways just to like fit in? But I gave him the wink and a gun, but I did the sideways gun. There you go. They have a word for that. I think they call it smoking.

Smoking you. Is that what they call it the sideways? Give that a goog there, Rupu. I don't know. Smoking guns. I think there's a word for tilting it, but good luck finding it. You got to go down black Twitter. Tilt the gun.

You lost a receipt there. I don't know if you need that. Oh, wow. That's a lot of waffles you bought. I was going to say donuts. Oh, okay. So anyways, I wore the cowboy hat, and then you get to LaGuardia, and again, I'm just walking through New York City and everyone's like, where's your horse, cowboy? I'm like, I live here.

I'm from here. Oh, no. Sorry. You got to get ahead. The only way to wear it home is to wear it. home is to wear it. You can't hold it. No. But you know what's fun about a cowboy? I was doing this thing when it was really hot. Oh, that's good. That's a fun move. And I was doing a lot of ma'am and stuff like that.

Did you get any winks from a gay or a lady? Oh, well, there's a big homo guy with Barry Sanders' legs, black booty shorts, black cowboy hat. He was running up and down Duval Street. And I was coming out of CVS. And here's a classic Salikus. This is when you're just like on the opposite page of someone. It's funny. So I come out of Walgreens. I got a headache. It's been a long day. We're sweating our asses off.

Me, Saluk, you, Sarah. We go to buy some essentials. He had to buy a toothbrush and a razor. It was day four. Yeah. Smelled like my sister's ass old. That's a long way to go with that brush. You got that straight.

So we come out and here's this cowboy who's got the thickest legs I ever saw, the tightest shortest shorts I've ever seen. And like a, you know, a vest with no shirt. Yeah. And he goes, hey, how do you do? And I said, hey, how do you do? All right. He's like, let's get the fuck out of here.

because he was hammered and crazy. Oh, sure. So I'm leaving. I hear Joe, Joe! I think I'm getting recognized. I look back like, hey! And it's Salickees with the camera, and he's got the guy po-the guy's like,

the guy's like, the guy's like, where is he? He's like, get over here. I go, no, no. He loves to direct. He finally gets a direct-to-gay-ball. He's got to get the content. And I'm like, I don't need content. I need to stay away from this big gay,

hammered cowboy at 1 o'clock in the morning. Because you get behind him or eat his ass or whatever Salikus wanted to set up. that guy's glued to you. You have a bond now. Now the drunk guy is all over you. Well, in the old days, I would have made out with them and squeezed cum out of his condom. Sure, sure. This isn't 1996 anymore when I was 14. Those were the days. Rupert's got something cooking over there.

Holding a gun sideways is commonly referred to as gangstasile, side grip, or ghetto grip. Oh, it's Kung Fu grip and ghetto grip. There's also get a grip and ghetto grip. Ooh. That can throw you off on your Google search. That's something. Yeah, gangster style. You got to get a grip.

Oh, I got one. Yeah, yeah. Ghetto grip. I like that. But anyways, it was awesome. Tell me about your thing and then I'll come up with some more. I just got to do one Salacusus who's texting me throughout because he likes to keep me updated for some reason. Same here.

He does that. He'll be like, this is a sketch I do with Greg Stone. I'm like, I'm eating. Everything he's ever made. He shoots over my direction. I got a baby in one hand and a script in the other hand and come in my eye

and he's like, here's the thing I made with Mark. I'm like, okay, fantastic. He's very proud of his work. But so he shouldn't be. He's snapping picks as you do, Cookie Monster. He's snapping picks and he's getting Tom rehearsing his speech.

Oh, this is a great one. And he's like, tear in his eyes, sun coming through the window, he's got the suit on, the bow tie, He's all misty working on his whole thing. Vows. Vows. He starts sobbing, sobbing right there, looking at the paper.

And Salukes walks up, he's a little late, and he goes, you're working on the vows? He goes, pre-ed up. No, that's a great one. Come on. How great is that? That was a great one. What a comic. Well, Tom is the funniest person of all time.

And miraculously, he's been sober for a year, which I'm frustrated because that's how I wanted the movie to end. I thought the movie would have a little post-script at the time of release. Tom's been sober for six months, but it took him too long. Right. He ruined the end of my movies. Now we've got to make a sequel of just him being sober. That's a rough sequel.

It'll be less crying and less funny. Godfather III territory. Not as compelling. Yeah, he'll have spiky hair and he'll be yelling to himself. Right, right. But anyways, it's just the most miraculous thing I've ever seen. It's beautiful. And a lot of folks are crediting the film.

So all you homos that were like, who makes a documentary about no one's ever, ever heard of, which is also just a completely retarded mindset. There's a million docks about war generals and all these guys no one's heard of. That's the best doc. Uh-huh. Now I know about a thing I didn't know. I'm learning. Who wants to watch a doc about

fucking, you know, Michael J. Fox? That's a shaky video. Give me the this is the guy I never heard of Doc. Exactly. So anyways, the movie worked out great. Go check it out. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a comedian. But yeah, it's unbelievable and great.

movie. It's like having my buddy back. Because before Tom would be the best, the funnest, the funniest, the greatest hang till around 4.30 p.m. And then it'd be like, oh, I got a... And you're like, you said that already.

Right. You said that already. You said that already. And then you go, all right. I'll see you later. Now, the fun goes from 8 a.m. till when I go to bed at 9 p.m. Isn't that funny? Because I have so many friends, if I ain't drinking, they ain't hanging. They're like, come on, do a shot, you pussy.

I'm like, I don't really want to do a shot. They're like, oh, you're not our friend anymore, headlock, nuggie, oil change. But now you're saying the no drinking brings you closer. Yeah, well, I don't mind a friend drink. I don't mind a funny business. I don't mind a friend that's drinking, but he would drink it a way that was extremely unfun fun. Got it. Not just for someone not drinking, but for people that were drinking.

Yeah, I've said it before. I did Key West once, and I wake up with Tom. It's eight in the morning. He'd be smoking, making a screwdriver. Right. And it was in like one of these kind of things, and we'd go bike ride. Yeah, yeah. So he had to hit a screwdriver just to get out on the open seas. No, it's the best, and he's so happy and healthy, and the wedding was just beautiful, and I officiated. I got some good laughs. We hung out with Chad Daniels was there, and Kelsey Cook.

Hellie, those are good eggs. I had a great line, by the way. Sarah, I go, Sarah, you were the hottest woman at the woman. wedding by far. I wasn't even close. She goes, what about Kelsey Cook? And I went, that's a good point. Killed. Got her. She laughed. Okay, good. And I think she's hotter. It's my wife, for God's sakes.

But anyways... Cook is very tricked. She certainly is. But, yeah, Chad's the man. And who else? Henry Phillips. Yeah, he doesn't drink. Henry Phillips showed up. He's the best. Best hang of all time. Stories galore. Never stops the stories. He told me a great joke. He goes, yeah, there's a guy. He goes, hey, he tells his buddy. Hey, I'm fucking. twins. And he goes, wow, that's hot. How do you tell him a part? He goes, well, Jill has

red fingernail polish and Bob has a cock. That's a great joke. You don't like that one, Rupert? Get out of here. Get me Chuck back in here. Whoa, never heard that. Clip it. Never missed Chuck in my life. Wow. Bob's got a cock. Bob's your uncle. That's good stuff. You don't like that joke. You didn't know he was a guy. That's a good misdirected. Well, you got to do it fast because once you say Bob, it's given away. So you're going to say, Bob is a cock. Yes, yes. It's a fun sentence. That's true.

It's a T-shirt. Where's that merge? Bob is a cock. Rupert, you stick. Elliot Bage. Coming down. Oh, that was like one of those little snappers you throw it at the Fourth of July. Oh, yeah.

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Go to Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash Tuesdays for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash Tuesdays. Ow! All right, you go, you go, you go. Well, let me just say this. So the wife's birthday. Oh, happy birthday. I really pulled out all the butt-plogrows.

I bought her a new luggage. I took her out to dinner. I bought her concert tickets to her favorite Jew Taylor Swift bitch. Oh, Trevor Noah. Noah Khan. There it is. That's the one. Yeah, Noah's Ark.

And he's a cute New England, Vermont, Kweef, who goes out there and pours his heart out and sings a bunch of songs about New England and all this horse shit. And the ladies lap it up. Wow. So he's been doing this run. I mean, he is killing it. This guy, he's a sweet man, he's got a ponytail and overalls on, and he goes out there. He goes, he did four it, the Red Sox, Fenway.

Fenway Park. Four. And they show. That's a lot of people. They show footage of it. These girls are weeping, weeping as he's singing all this bullshit. He's like a male swift, a mailer swift. And so she's like, we got to go.

And I go, I got you the Fenway tickets. And she goes, actually, I can't make it to that. I go, all right. What a bitch. But then she goes. He's doing Shea Stadium. What do you call that? City Field. City Field. So I got the City Field tickets.

Now, this is crazy. This is what's weird about life. What is that? Forty thousand people in that, bitch. Oh, got to be more money. In a concert? Money. What? More people. Oh, yeah. I got 50,000, 60, maybe? I mean, with the infield, I mean, I have to see the setup.

It's probably around 50. I would think. Infield was full. I would say 50-60 then. I guess you've got to kill other seats. though. So maybe 40-50. What do we got there? 40 to 45,000. Oh, okay. Well, but he did do the infield. So that probably adds another five. Right, but you probably have to kill all the outfield seats.

Yeah, I think he did. But it was wall to wall and... I just thought of something. Uh-oh. Oh, go ahead. Well, he had two shows. One was canceled for air quality. That's what you forget about these outdoor cunts. I know. It sucks. You look forward to it for eight months and then boolie boob, skip, bop. No show. No air, no lettuce, not in this country. You don't know what it ever does is a concert in the round in a stadium. Or maybe Shane must have done that. Yeah, I think so.

But at a baseball stadium, these concerts, they're always killing all the outfield seats. Maybe they can do a center stage stadium. Oh, yeah, because he did the dick in, you know, the stage with the dick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a Miss America or whatever that is. There's a word for that. I don't remember what it's called. Yeah. Peehole, pendulum.

I can't remember. Good luck with that one, Chats. Catwalk. Catwalk. Something like that. I think it's catwalk. It might be catwalk. Oh, the catwalk.

Oh, I hated that song. I hated that fucking song. Oh, I jerked up to those two. Right said Fred. Yeah, what is that? They must have been German or something. I don't know, but I fucking loo that song. Yeah.

I'm on the banah, you know what I mean. That in Millie Vanilli, it was a real rough time in America. Yeah. Not to mention it, former, 12 inches of snow. Informa Scuba da-da-da-da-da-d-de-la-o Bebo-boom there There was some bad stuff

Paracerell Or something? I don't know Catwalk works too Parasarrel There you go, he's good I bought my wife a bottle of that for Christmas Yeah, I think he's a rapper, Farrell So give me the right-said Fred

Give me the origin Right-said Fred, where are they from And then we'll never bother you again hometown. Now, I was hanging out with a hardcore Tuesday recently. Oh, right. And he said, and I quote, hey, stop with the Googling. We hate it. Oh, okay. She said, I can't handle the Googling. Don't give it a goo. He's like, because you guys stop talking, and then we can't see what you're Googling, and it's horrible. All right. This is a Patreon. Okay. Long time member. All right. That's he's a lunch,

lunch stuff original. But I do want to know where Wright said Fred's from. England. Oh, all right. I knew it was overseas. And the same thing. There's E's in there. Yes, yes, exactly. There's an E or G. Right.

And an A. And an I. And an I. So, uh, and I don't I. So we go out to Noah Kahn. And I'm kind of like, here we go. Let's get it over with, but it's for the lady. Whatever.

So I pop a nice amount of mushrooms. Okay. Just to get by. Yeah. You want to have something when you're going to see Kahn. Yes, yes. Pros and Kans. So we get in there.

And, you know, I'm like, woo, Nelly. And it's me, her, and about 39,000 prepubescent girls. Oh, really? Which, you know, not completed. So he hit the children. He hit the kid. He's got the 17, 18, 19-year-old whores. Oh, that's surprising.

I think puberty's a little earlier than that. But I know what you mean. I can't tell. I'm hard. I got no blood for the brain. But it was just flooded with girls in cowboy boots and your hat and sundresses and all this shit. And this is what's weird about the world.

You get in there, I go right to the bar. I got the shrooms. Everything's crazy. I mean, you know, the stadium is spinning, and it looks like it's opening up. I'm gone, Jerry. I'm gone. Oh, I'm out there.

She's having a great time, pregnant. So we've got a pregnant lady in the heat, shroom guy. Gotcha. And when you're a guy, you kind of want to have your bearings about you. Is he going to kill us? Is that a terrorist? You know, is that guy black?

What do we do it here? So you want to get your wits, head on a swive, but I'm on shrews. So I go up to the bar, I get a giant high noon, this big, bigger than my head. Probably $38. Easy. Easy. I think the beers were 18. It was crazy.

That is unreal. Yeah, I think the high noon was 25. I'm never more grateful that I don't drink anymore than when I'm at a sporting event or concert. I mean, they really hit you up the tailpipe. Plus the pissing. You got to go piss. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So got the drink, putting it back. We go find our seats. We're on the floor. Good seats. Thank you, UTA. They hooked it up.

That way, University of Texas, Austin. Don't tell her. She thinks I bought them. But so we go out there, find our seats. I look behind me. I'm getting a tap on the shoulder. Mike Berkowitz. Wow. Burkey, the rival agent. The biggest agent in comedy. This guy's got Bill Burr, Louis X.K. Yeah, Kevin Hart. Malaney. Keep going. The list goes on. On and on. Louis C.

C.K., Dane Cook. All of them. All the big boys. Love Berkowitz. Sam. Yeah. Great guy.

That's 30? Nice. I mean, the real deal, Hollywood, New York. Ah, you better, you better suck up. You better blow my client. I'll come over there and kill you.

Okay. Yes, sir. Mr. Berkowitz. Whatever you want. We'll put anything on Netflix. You say it. We do it. Okay.

Thank you. Boom. Once hooked us up with Georgetown basketball tickets. It was in him? Not exactly a tough hookup, but yeah, he got us. He also is my agents. What's the opposite of protege? Mentor.

Mentor. And everywhere I go, they're like, your agent's a piece of shit. He always yells us. He kicked us in the nuts. He shoot us in the ass. Right. You can't stand this guy. And then they hit me a check for $75,000.

Exactly. So he trained. It's like a coaching tree in football. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? They're like, this guy, you know what the coaching tree? I don't know the tree. I don't want a palm tree and oak tree.

All the best coaches coached under another great coach. Ah, the coaching tree. And so you can trace them all back. So you see a guy winning Super Bowls all of a sudden. You go, what's this guy's coaching? Oh, he worked under Belichick, who worked under Parcells, who worked under, you know, Hitler. Now a very young lady works under Belichick. But what could you do?

So Belichick, check Belichick, please. So we go to the concert. Now you kind of have that where you're like, whoa, I'm in a different element, and now I've got to talk to a guy in the business. Well, may I just say, as a frequent concert goer and a free spirit concert-loving music junkie, there is nothing worse than being in a concert with someone you know behind you. Yes. Because I'm a fucking, I'm doing this, and I'm playing on guitar.

I jump, I cry, I sing, I scream. I mean, like, I'm a H-O-M-O out there. It's embarrassing. You're like the girls at the Beatles. you're pissing on the seats, you're coming. Yeah, I pogo and Mosh and I'm gay. I'm on my wife's shoulders. Right, right.

I had this before. At a show, and I'm pouring sweat and crying. And literally, like, hey, two's gay. I was watching you the whole time. And so then you're in the car. You're like, watching me the whole time. I fucking sang out loud. I twirled my shirt.

I came. You tied it up, did a little bow right there on the stomach. No, it's humiliate. I would hate that. I guess a folk show, it's not. I had May behind me at Dr. Dogg. That was embarrassing. Oh, yeah.

Well, she gets it. She gets the cut loose. But I still, you feel it looming. You can't, you can't relax because you just feel them staring at you. But here's the clinker. So I got Berkowitz, and you want Bergeritz to respect you. He's a big time agent, hot shot. He's with his new lady.

They all moved upstate, whatever. She's got a couple of kids. She brought their friends. So he's got a gaggle of suburbanites. So we got a hot shot. Manhattan agent who goes, ah, you better book my client or I'll come over there and fuck you in the ass. And now he's like,

this is Susie. This is April. This is Brittany. And I'm like, oh, hey. And they're all like, hi, who are you? We're dancing. Shut up. And so he was like, he texted me after. He goes, I hate that you saw me like that. That's not me. I'm a badass. Fuck those people. I was, I was on good behavior. You know,

and I was like, okay. So we were both altered. I'm on shrooms going, whoa, you look like Betty White, and he's going, ah, I'm out here, you know, sucking dick. That's fun to that. You were both in that position, exactly. You have, it's like a Mexican standoff.

Right. You're like, I got a gun pointer right at your tits. Well, I got one point at your dick. Exactly. Blow me. It was like we were both caught bullshitting, and later we were like, yeah, that wasn't me. And he's like, that wasn't me. And so we both were in the same position, so it was very bonding.

Well, that's good. It was nice. It was nice. Now, what if you ever whisper into your ear? What are you doing over there at the other assholes? Yeah, I've gotten a little of that, but my agent gets real angry. The poaching is very frowned upon. It's very frowned upon. Poached egg. I remember when my ex-manager and I, our paths were separating, he was like, are people calling you?

Yeah. Are they talking to you? I was like, no, no, no. It's very similar to an ex-girlfriend. You're like, hey, I know we broke up, but don't you fuck Rupert. If you fuck Rubin, he's going to smush you. That I'll kill you. Women like a big guy, by the way, because it makes them feel small.

They love that. You always hear women say, I love the weight of a man. I'm like, well, how many men? Right. Well, that's the thing. You think, oh, I got to get fit. And then they're like, I love a fat guy. They all love Stavros.

Yeah. Your wife wants to fuck Stabros. Your wife wants to fuck Stavros. Well, I have a theory on this. And we've covered it before. Women are complex. Like, my wife's like Adam Sandler's so sexy. He wears whatever he wants.

He's got basketball shorts. He's got a Hawaiian shirt. He looks like shit. I'm like, he's sexy because he's a zillionaire celebrity who does that. If he was just a guy who dressed like that and had a shitty beard and weird hair, he'd go, who's the hobo? Does she think I'm hot? I got glasses and stupid stanched shorts. I got to get Sandler money and Sandler's success. Then this is hot. I got some money. Let me go talk to her. All right, all right. Put a good word for me. But, no, it's the same. I mean, people all the time. I mean, we know a lot of people who are very successful and very ugly, and they're fucking the hottest people on the planet.

I know. Well, men are very lucky. Women like success. They like status. So you can look like James Gandalfini and clean up. Yeah. Oh, he's gorgeous. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

There's something hot about, I mean, Adam Driver. Forget about it. Oh, he looks like the devil. He looks like someone beat him with a bag of dicks. Yes. And they're like, who, I'm swooning. I know. He's a Marine and an actor, and he's in good shape.

But he also sounds like Kerman. He's like, I told you not to fuck him. I haven't seen him in a minute. He was in like 40 movies in three months. And now I haven't seen him in a couple years. I remember I did that Patrice O'Neill benefit, and he was in the front row. I was there, yeah. And, oh, yeah, you were there.

And then Bill Burr got to chat with him because, you know, he's famous. And I go, what was that about? And he goes, I think he's doing a movie about stand-up, so he's watching. So where's that movie? It came out. What? But it was a weird movie. We might have to have this Googled again.

It was a weird movie. It was like they were dancer. It was kind of a fantasy movie. Interesting. But he wasn't like a in a club stand-up comedian. Right. It wasn't Cat Williams. Because I looked it up later too.

Because I was like, what the fuck happened with that? I met him twice actually. I met him that night and at... Oh, you got to meet him? I didn't get to meet him. Yeah, he came back. And then in Atlanta, when he was filming that other movie, I hated with Steven Soderberg.

and Daniel Craig when I was, Louis was on tour that was way back I hated the movie but I got to meet him and whatever Annette? Annette, I think that's it and he's got a woman

to dance or something I didn't see the movie That's a Sandra Bullock movie Oh that net Thank you With that girl from the bus Yeah I don't know if it was It did anything

I think nobody watched it at all That's always fascinating When you see a movie Come up, you look at a guy's IMDB And you're like I'm a huge fan of this guy I watch everything he does Never heard of these three They just spent six months shooting it.

They went to Prague. They got a whole crew together. They all learned the lines. They all did the wardrobe. Came out. No one saw it. They lost $14 million to the box office. That's the weirdest thing about movies.

It's also a weird thing I have a lot where I'm like, I love that guy. He's one of my favorite actors of all time. And then you look up and you realize you've only seen him in four movies. That's a good sign for an actor. There's a lot of times that happens. Like, even like Robert Duvall, you're like, oh, I've only actually watched nine movies of this guy. That might be a weird example.

But sometimes there's people that you're like, that guy's great. Yeah, exactly. Napalm in the morning and the godfather. Charlie, don't surf. Yeah. But yeah, sometimes you're like, I've seen five movies of who I can't think of a proper example.

I thought of you today because Ethan Hawk popped up on my dick. That's my boy. And they said, what's your favorite line of dialogue in any movie of all time? And I go, ooh, baby. This is a real cinephile. He's going to know his stuff. He had a pretty good one.

You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Cuckoo's Nest, when they're talking about breaking out and they're talking about lifting up that big fountain to throw it through the window. Yeah. Seafeld's head? Fuck Seafelts head. Yeah. So Jack Nicholson or whatever, Murphy, goes up and goes, ah!

And he couldn't do it. He goes, oh, I know the line. I know the line. I know the line. At least I tried. Yeah. How great? There's so much in that line.

Like, I gave it, he's embarrassed. He's a little ashamed, but he tried. He says he's got to convince them. He says, I tried, God damn it. At least I did that. That's it. And then he also said, I love the line before that, and he goes, giving up. And he says, no, I'm warming up.

What a film. What a movie. Well, you know, my story with that movie, I watched in high school. I told him I watched it a million, billion times. And then Derek Walsh, my best buddy, he was like, I don't want to watch it. Back in the day, he looked at the cover of the movie. He was like, it looks depressing. It is a little.

And he goes, I don't want to watch that. And I said, I'll tell you what, I promise you, this will be your top five favorite movies. And I'll give you, if you watch this movie and answer honestly, and tell me this isn't in your top five, I'll give you 50 bucks. Wow. How about that? This is very Jay Leno, 50 on the bar. We watched it, and he was like, wow, he's like, that's the best movie I've ever seen in my whole life. So how about that?

Big risk. Because nobody likes that guy. Nobody likes the, I'm forcing you to do this. You kind of have to do it on my record. and day. Well, I'm not forcing. I'm making an offer. Okay. It could have said no to the bet, but he was like, all right, that's bull. I guess I got to watch this movie. That's true. I did that once with natural born killers. I'd never seen the movie, and I was like, this movie's amazing. It's award winning Woody Harrelson, Quentin Tarantino

wrote it. It's very good. And this girl was like, I hate this movie. I don't want to watch this movie. I go, it's so good, you're going to love it. She bought it. I'd never seen it. Wow. I just went on a rampage and she was like, At three minutes in, she was like, I hate you. That was $18. Yeah, that's tough. Well, it's hard when you pretend to see a movie that you never seen. And then they're like, what's going on here?

And you're like, you'll see. I was trying to sound like I knew stuff. I've had that moment before. Okay. Sometimes you want to watch a movie. You have to tell them, oh, it's great. That's true. I didn't enjoy it either, by the way.

Yeah, it's kind of a mess, but it's fun. Oh, I had something. Ah, shit. Well, I love Ethan Hawk more than I love my dad. Oh, I got it back. Now, I listen to a lot of movie review guys who talk about films or whatever, and one guy had a good point. Now, tell me what you think of this there, Faddy.

There's no anti-hero guy anymore. I think men are problematic. They're toxic. White men, shut up. Stop talking. Future is female. You can't have a Murphy anymore. Because Murphy is a scrappy guy who talks about fucking a 14-year-old.

Within the first, like, four minutes of the movie, when you got that wet beaver staring at you, that red beaver. And then, like, he's like, let's go fuck some, let's go bird dog. And let's go fuck some other guy's girlfriends. Yeah. Let's, uh, Miss Ratchet, fuck her, whatever. Let's get some party started. He's a rabble rouser.

Sure. Which is what you love about him, but he's also a piece of shit criminal asshole. You can't do that now. When's the last time you've had the, the Travis Bickle, the, even like John McLean, right? He's a little rough around the edges. Yeah, it's hard to, I don't see as many movies now,

but I've been saying that for years. If you released a movie now, just R.P. McMurphy specifically, where the guy's in prison for fucking a 15-year-old girl, you know, people would not be excited about it. It certainly wouldn't win Best Picture, actor, actress, and director. But there's

got to be some, but just no one watches them. I don't know. Rupert, I feel like you watch more movies than I do. What about Joker? Oh, Joker. Hold on. Coming down. Oh, that's a hot poker. Yeah. New diet.

Who is? I would say the closest is Ryan Goss and drive. He's not evil. He's actually very nice guys helping the girl. He's quiet. Wasn't that 20 years ago now, though? Probably. But he's a little, you know, mysterious.

So he got a little of that. But Joker, I feel like this is a crazy guy. And you're not really rooting for him. You're kind of just observing him. You're rooting for McMurphy. There's a lot of like crime 101. Did you see that movie? I fell asleep in the theater.

Yeah, it's okay. It's kind of a heat rip off. It's fine. It's fine. It's a past the time. It's on Delta if you watch it. It's thrillery. But Chris Helmsworth is this,

I think that's his name. There's a bunch of Chris's came out at the same time. Pratt, Helmsworth Pine. A bunch of hot Chris's all arrived together. Chris Jenner. But anyways, there's no flaws. He's like this perfect. He doesn't say the N word

or beat anyone up. He's like, he hates violence. It's all very cliche, but it's fun, and Hallie Berry's super hot. Very hot lady. The whole thing is like, she's old and beat up and a has been. You're like, I would jerk off to her in less than six seconds. Of course, out the condom. Now,

is she mixed? What's the, is that the proper term? Swirl? Fusion. Biracial. Byracial. Come on. But wouldn't that mean? It's the 90s. But that could be bisexual. No, bisexual is bisexual. Bisexual. racial is you fuck black men and white women. I see.

No, I don't know. She might be mixed. She's light skin, that's for sure. I'm going to go, let's take a little, let's like a wager. We're doing a lot of Googling for that one guy who told us not to Google. Yeah. He's a very successful comedian. We're not doing the, uh, we're not doing the video, though.

Some people will go, pull that video up and play that. Yeah, yeah, I hate the video. All right. I'll just go whatever opposite of what you are. I'm going to, I think she's a swirl. All right. I'll go, no swirl. She's biracial.

Yeah. Oh, geez. It makes sense. She looks very light. I mean, she's hotter than my fucking father's asshole on Halloween night. Beautiful lady. Billy Bob Thornton. Who had that bit about begging her?

Yeah, he overcame his racism by fucking Hallie Berry. I can't remember. It was one of those. I think I saw that at the cellar in 03, and it stuck with me. I can't remember whose bit it was. I think it was either Ted, Alexandra, or Geraldo. It might have been Geraldo. It stills Geraldi.

Somebody with an O at the end. Bozo. Perfect. Bit. Michelangelo. Yeah. Oh, my God. He came over his vile racism by fucking the hottest woman on the planet.

It was only half black, by the way. Half black. Oh, so, all right. So we go to the concert. The shrooms are wearing off, whatever, and we get out of there. This is the problem with these concerts. It's a young, young queef's game. Yeah.

The concert was lunch. She's crying. You almost feel like a dad out there, which is kind of weird to say. But she's singing along. Look at me. Providing these tickets, being a good partner. She's having a great time. I do love making the lady happy.

Sure. Isn't that a nice moment? It's my favorite thing in the world. It's a very nice thing. So you make her happy. It's a lunch show, whatever. Talk to Berkowitz. We high five.

He texts me like, don't tell anybody what you saw here. I said, it's Secret Safe with me. And by the way, the phone on Shroom. That's when you know the Shrooms are working. Your phone's like bright as shit and wonky. I do this, but it's more. I need reading glasses. Oh, yeah.

How crazy we're doing this pod long enough that I now am going to need reading glasses soon. That's crazy. You're getting readers. That's embarrassing. Yeah. So this is the dilemma. She goes, all right, this is what's cool about my wife. She's like, we should leave a little early to get out of here because we're in deep Queens.

Are that Queens? Yeah. Flushing. Not flushing. It's, uh, yeah, flushing. All right. One of them is in the Bronx. Yankee Stadium's the Bronx.

Okay. So we're out. deep queens, and we've got to come all the way down to Brooklyn. So that's a bitch of a travel day. So I go, all right, let's get an Uber. Boop, boop, boop. Oh, every Uber is $9 million because everyone's trying to leave, this 40,000 people concert.

So I go, fuck, this is like a $600 Uber or something crazy. So I go, what if we just take the subway down a little and then get an Uber? Because then we'll be out of this vicinity. Uh-huh. So she goes, great. we don't realize every 12-year-old girl is walking to the subway so now we're like this shit, you know, it looks like those migrants running into Spain, we're all trying to get to the subway.

We get on there, you know, it's like a bottleneck. Everybody's trying to go, hey, stop, he touched me, ah, you know, all this shit, I'm grabbing everybody. We get through the turnstiles, we barely make it on the train. You're like this, you know, up against the wall. It's like Japan in the subway station, just sardines. There's an old lady on the train. She's got the bench.

Everyone else is standing, talking, screaming. Every girl is being annoying and loud. And this lady's on the subway like this. Just hunched over old kind of bag lady. You know, she's got weird clothes, shit everywhere, shopping bags. And she's drinking like a seven-up or something. And May is standing right in front of her. And I'm standing next to her.

So we're kind of like, ugh. Don't touch the lady. She's a little off. and May's like She's dropping her Seven up on my feet And I was like Ah well just you know

We'll get your foot wash Let's just get the hell out of here Sorry about that That's a bummer A little seven up never hurt anybody She's like It's warm though And I go

Huh I'm supposed to have that seven up for a while Probably been holding on to it It's a hot day out Pissing on the feet Oh boy This woman is sitting there The old jellyfish

Yeah Exactly. This is the old R. Kelly. This woman is urinating on the seat. It's trickling down economics. Right on to her foot with a bucket Birkenstock on. Something D.O.O. Economics. Wow. Peeleer. Piss on the foot. Piss on the foot. Best concept of her life. Crying her eyes out, dancing. Getting pissed on while being wall. There's nowhere to go, by the way. You can't move in there. Well, a little piss on the hoof. That's not the end of the world. I can't, but it's one thing if I pee on the hoof or Rupert peas on the hoof. This is an old bag lady.

I bet Rupert has the yellowest piss you ever saw. Ah, you're pissing. Code Red. No doubt about it. Wow. So, I guess she runs home and then you lick it up or you're in the bath or what? Well, that was the hard part. I was like, we got to get like three stops away. Just make it three stops. She's like, I'm literally getting peed on.

I'm like, I know, three stops. So we get three stops. I flick the lady in the head, you know, just to give her like, fuck you, bitch. Couldn't hit her. Just a flick. And we jump off the train. She's like,

ah! She goes in a bodega, gets a bottle of water, does a little of that shit. And we get an Uber. We're out of there. God damn. But what an excursion.

Piss on the foot is rough. I got to tell you, I would not enjoy a piss foot. That was our odyssey. Fuck you with the Cyclops and the sirens and the whirlpool. Try getting peed on, Matt, David. Now, how long is this odyssey?

Three hours even. Oh, okay. And I'll tell you, it flies. The first 10, you're kind of like, okay, how many of these Greek names are, Telemachus, Odysseus, Penelipan, Dupa, Steve Rappadopolis. It's a lot of Greek. Okay. We're like, I can't keep up with this.

So I should see it. I would see it. You're going to hate it. You're going to have your qualms, but it's really well done. The action scenes are incredible. I mean, there's monsters, Jerry. He gets to fight monsters. Is that May or someone else?

I want to know if I can stare at this woman or not. That's someone else. Oh, great. You're all good. Okay, perfect. Yeah. It looks like a weird sister. Oh, yeah, I can see it.

Yeah, I guess I'll see it. I got to see it. Now, what was I able to say about it? It's still at Nolan. The casting, people got mad about the Elliot Page Turner and the black chick. Was it confusing? Nolan's always confusing. It's a little confusing.

You're really going to pay attention. I hate confusing. I hate it too, but the Odyssey is what keeps you in it. He's fighting a cyclops, Jerry. Oh, okay. So you're like, this is grippy. It feels like the 50s where you're watching an epic. Okay.

I'll check it out. I mean, I got to see it. It's an event. But, man, that one movie, Tenant, I didn't know which way it was up and which way it was over. I mean, and then afterwards, we read the fucking Scooply Boo, and I still was like, what is this? That was like watching Rosetta Stone. I didn't know what was happening in that thing. I felt like Seinfeld.

He's like, I thought he was with them. Right. That's the other guy. Yeah. That was a wacky tale. I mean, Inception was a little above my pay dick. Inception took me like four watches to be like, okay, I think I got it. I have lost four watches.

Did you get the watch back? Huh? Did you get the watch back? The Omega? It's upstairs. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, I got it back. But yeah, the weird casting to me was John Ligua Zamo.

I hate Linguizamo. Yeah, he's a bit of a quiff. He did a great job. He killed the roll, but it's just jarring. You're like, is that Super Mario? Oh. Is that the best? The hell's Ligualizamo doing it there.

He's a blind beggar. I don't want to give too much away. Begger, please. But it's jarring when you're in ancient Greece, you know, and there's a centaur and a Pentagon and all this shit. He's like, hello, my precious. I'm like, Leguizamo, what are you doing here? You're a son of Sam.

I don't care for Leguizamo. No one does. Well, he's one of those guys. He's like, oh, there's no Latin actors. I'm like, you're in the movie. Right now. What is that? Do that when you get kicked out of a movie or you can't get a movie,

but you're in the biggest movie in the world. Right, but maybe that's because of all the complaining. Maybe, but he's been plenty of films, you know, lately. Right. I've got a shit and piss my pants. My new diet is really hitting me. Uh-oh, what do you eat? I had a bag of almonds, a banana, a big handful of blueberries, and some eggs.

That's a great breakfast right there. Thank you. I'm starving. Breakfast of champs. And then I had General Sow chicken last night at 1130p. That's the problem. The Chinese are trying to escape the dungeon. And you've got to have been at an internment camp.

Yeah. So you put the good food and the bad food, something's got to give. Because now you've got the crips and the blood's in there. But if it's all good food, you're regular. Right. Yeah, I've been taking nice, big, long shits. Well, let me tell you about this real quick. Oh, yeah. So have you been to the American Dream Mall?

Rupert, you must have been there a million times. A dream mall, no. That's the big huge mall. You've driven by it a million times, right by the football stadium in Jersey. It's got the big Ferris wheel, big Apple, pie, roller coaster. It's got the world's largest indoor amusement park, Nickelodeon land. You've been there? I've never been to the Nickelodeon land, but I've been to the mall.

It's fucking awesome. All right. So we went a couple weeks ago on a whiff, the day before the World Cup final, which I wasn't thinking about it, the World Cup final took place at the stadium. So everybody in the world is at the mall that day. Oh, geez. Now, you know me. I love being this guy. It's a Saturday morning. Tough with the kid.

Especially in New York City. We don't have cars. We'll have a car. But we don't drive around the city. Yeah. So you've got to come up with something to do, and it's a bag of farts. I told you, we were out in Cleveland, you're like, you jump in the car, eight minutes later, you're at the children's museum. 12 minutes, you're at the other children's museum.

Yeah. Fourteen minutes, you're at the library that has toys and shit. I got it. We were just, where the hell were we just recently? Oh, I was out in Tacoma or King Harbor. They got a field. I mean, I couldn't believe it. You feel like when you're in New York.

Yorker, you feel like you're from another planet. Yeah. Because we drive 10 minutes from Derek's house. There's a turf football. You're the good turf with the black little pellets. Love the good turf. Huge football field. Soccer field. A track.

A beautiful rubber track. Baseball fields. Big sprawling baseball fields. All open for the taking. All big park with the soft ground. Not the parks we had as a boy with the wood chips. This is the soft, squishy rubber ground. Everything.

Yeah. And you can just go, I'm like, if this was in New York City, it would have fucking... Needles. Needles and spray paint. Giz. Or it would be a four-hour wait to get in there. Or it would be $1,000 a month to be able to go there. It's just open.

Open. We can just get together and go play baseball in a baseball field. Unbelievable. It was like the 50s. It's unbelievable. So, what the hell was I talking about? Oh. So anyways, you got to come up with stuff to do in the city.

It's not easy. Yeah. So Saturday morning, we're sitting around. We're watching, you know, fucking Sesame Street. We go, let's go to the playground, whatever. I go, I got an idea. Whoa, how did that hit you? Well, I've wanted to go for a while.

Okay. And we're sitting there, so I go, let's go to the American Dream Mall. They got Sesame Street land. You can go Meat Elmo and Cookie Monster or whatever. They got a big giant ball pit that you can walk around in, and then you stick the balls in a little thing that goes, that goes up these little rubber things, you know? Fun.

Fun. This is great. And they have the big. Nickelodeon land, which is the biggest indoor amusement park. Got it. So we go out there. There's a shitload of traffic because the games there the next day, which is crazy. You're looking at the stadium. You're like, the biggest sporting event in the galaxy is taking place here in 12 hours.

Right there. Were the tailgates and all this shit? Nah, it was the day before. I see. So we go inside. Mall's overwhelming. But first we go to Sesame Street World. That's great.

We go in the ball pit for a half an hour. We meet Elmo. He doesn't give a shit. He's like, hey, Elmo. Oh, really? I thought he'd go fucking ape shit. Well, I think he gets, I think he knows like, that's not Elmo. Oh, smart kid.

Elmo's little. He lives in the TV. I never got that either. People say, I met Mickey. I'm like, what are you retarded? Right. I think he's two and a half and he's like, eh, that's not Elmo. Good for him.

I like that. Anyway, so then we go and we're like, we're going to be like, oh, that's good. We ate lunch. We played in the ball pit. We met Elmo. Pretty fun. Huge. But I go.

Dad of the year. We got to go to Nickelodeon land. Look at the roller coasters. Look at it. You're here. I was like, I don't want to push our luck. And I'm like, I don't give a shit. Push our luck.

You're next door. So I go over. I buy the tickets. We go in there. And now this was fun. This was a boy's very first thrill ride. Oh, my God. So I'm like, all right, we're going to go on all the rides.

And we get the first one is the little dumber-looking thing that goes like up. It just goes in a circle. Yes. It goes up and down, like hydraulically. Yes. Seeing it. And I go, all right, let's get on here. We've got our wristbands and the business.

She puts the. stuff in a locker. And I go, here we go. We get in. He's trembling, full body. He looks like, you know, Ali. He's just trembling. And I'm like, it's going to be okay. I promise you're safe. Here we go. So the ride takes off. He's shitting his pants. Oh, no. We go up and down. He's like, ha, gah. And I go, you're safe. It's fun. I promise. I wouldn't let anything happen to you. Then all of a sudden he goes, oh. It's like the butt. We have a hill in Maine that we drive a

called Thrill Hill. You do 60 miles an hour. He loves it. And so I'm like, this is just like Thrill Hill. He starts loving it in like six seconds. Wow. It's like what took me 30 years of life because I pissed my pants on a Ferris wheel one time.

It was very traumatic. I remember that. He had it in 60 seconds. Well, you know why? We get off. He's like, let's get back on. Yeah. You hope he's not an addict, though.

Yeah, baby. Well, you know why? He had a dad to go, hey, I'm just safe. It's going to be fine. we never had that. My dad said, go to the amusement park and don't come back.

He didn't sit next to me. He taught me anything or told me anything. But then we went over to the ride. It's for like, me and him in a little car and it goes real slow

and it goes, like, it's shaped like a track. And then it goes, whips around the corner real fat. It looks like you're going to hit the car. He went nuts. He had his hands in there. He's going,

ah, woo! He's dying laughing. Some lady was laughing. I was cracking up. Yeah. He's screaming on every corner. I go, here we go. He goes,

what? Oh, that's good stuff. Then they had a little train with monster trucks. He drove it all by himself. I mean, he doesn't drive. It was the steering wheel. And it was the best, happiest day of my entire life.

And like I said, it's like he did what I took me two decades to do in 60 seconds. Fascinating. And he was just completely obsessed. And it was hard because we didn't have a third adult. So I wanted to go on all these rides. But you're like,

I can't just sit here. ride a ride, wait a line. Sure, sure. But it's awesome. We're going back. We should go. We should double date. Give him a couple more months. I really wanted him to soak it in because he's a little wonky. Oh, we soaked. We went on the ferris wheel and the other thing and the tractor. Oh, and then the tilter cups, which are cupcakes.

And he was turning it all by himself. He was spinning like crazy. I love it. It was fucking awesome. Best day of my whole life. Wow. So, yeah, he's a thrill ride boy. Good. He's an adventurer. He's a wrist taker. He's been everywhere. He's been the Gulf of Mexico, Pacific Ocean, Atlantic Ocean, the Irish Sea, and the roller coaster at the American Mall.

Wow, what a resume. Pretty good. Very good. All right, I got a story about the Beamer, but I'll save it. Yeah, yeah, save it. We'll tease it, and we're about to do a Patreon. Come check us out. I am in St. Louis Funny Bone.

I think this weekend or next weekend I can't remember. That's a fun room. I don't actually know when this comes out. Portland Helium. is that Jeffrey Gurian? I'm not even joking. No, it's a homeless guy. Oh, it's close. Yeah, it's a homeless guy. St. Louis Funnybone. I got Toronto. We just added

a show. This is very important. Toronto Just for last, we added a second show. Thursday, September. I don't know what the fuck date is. You don't know what fucking day you work. Thursday, September 24th. Come to that. Toronto, my most requested city. We sold one out. We added the second one. So, I've got tickets fill that one up too, please. What's that venue?

I have no idea. And then Tom, Dustin, Portrait of a comedian. Go see it. It changed many lives, so maybe it'll change your life. And it's hilarious. It's very funny. Very funny. So go watch that.

A little everything. And join the Patreon. Hey, I hate to say, I've got to give a shout-out. I'm going to Spokane. They got fires there. You joking? Which part? You really going back to Spokane?

No, I'm joking. But there are fires there. Oh, yes. The whole town's on fires. 16,000 people evacuated. Wow. That's where Kelsey Cook is from. I should check in. That's true. Yeah. So I hope you're good Spokey.

And I'll see you soon. We love you, Spoke. Yeah, Mark's there. He's doing a residency in January. Big fan. I bought a condo there. Can't wait to go back. But I'm going to Houston, San Francisco this weekend. So that's no good. Charleston, is that North Care or South Care?

South Carolina. All kinds of dates. Go follow us on Punch Up. Check out the Patreon. Praise Allah. Rupert, do you want to plug anything? Chuck sucks. Yeah, check out my podcast, reviewing history. We go through historical movies and we talk history and make dick and fart jokes. Mark was on if you want to check out that episode.

You did it. He was a lot of fun. He courted me in Philadelphia. We had a good time. It was a fun pod. You got fun co-host. Call him Dupert. He duped you.

I'm going to shit my father's giving me. All right. So we'll see you all in hell. Praise Zala. Thank you. be themselves.